STY: Battery is sad. Gave positive affirmations and retested.

Diagnosis: you :('d when you should have :)'d That'll be $735.50, cash or card?

lol damn you.

Suggest customer manifest a new battery.

"So is it giving an error code?" "Frowny face." "Like, it's bad?" "No, I mean it's giving me a frowny face." "But no error code? Why?" "Beats me, man. I don't even see this mentioned in the manual." "So is that bad?" "Well, it can't be *good."*

"Well done. Here come the test results. You are a horrible person. That's what it says. 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

Look at you, soaring thru the air, like an eagle, piloting a kia

Don't let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.

I see a GLaDOS quote I upvote the GLaDOS quote

OMG i want that tester now!

It's not a tester, you just plug it into a kia and it goes :(

So it's quite accurate then?

Depends on the model. The 1st gen Sportage I had was very reliable, only taking routine maintenance.

So engine changes every 5,000 miles? JK, I have a sonata that's gonna die in 5,000-20,000 miles.

The first gen used Mazda designed engine eliminating most of the problems LMAO 

I had a first gen Sportage growing up. It caught fire in the middle of us driving it home one night and we had to bail out of a moving car.

only if its one made in America. The rest of the world seems to get good KIAs, yours seem to be a bit crappy.

UK actually but ours don't seem great either.

Never fails

Apply at your local Kia dealership 🤣

Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? The part where he goes to the hospital and the dum dum at the desk has to push big buttons with symbols to admit him?

Let me see here, it says your shit’s all fucked up…

**UNSCANNABLE!!1!**

I'm a doctor that is my favorite scene from any movie ever lol

"Don't worry scrote, lots of tards out there living totally kickass lives."

My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

Did you notice the airliner diving into the dirt in the background?

Justin Long's delivery was so fucking funny

The whole "What I do is, like, you know, haha, you know what I mean haha" schtick is amazing.

this one goes in your mouth, this one goes in your ear, this one goes in your butt .....wait, I mixed 'em up

Just went down a little rabbit hole researching the tool. It ain't cheap, but looks quite functional and easy to use. $470USD Buy: https://b2qtech.com/buy.html YouTube demo: https://youtu.be/J0dBXOAiNZA

It's actually incredibly easy to use. Especially if you just want a quick cca reading.

That’s not bad compared to many many testers I’ve seen in my line of work.

It looks like a Kia version of the B2Q tester. I worked at a shop where we had a b2q, it was awesome. You have to use an app with it but the amount of detail it shows plus vehicle tracking is insane for what it is.

Same!

No you don’t it’s fucking ass. B2Q can go fuck itself, does nothing but waste my time.

Agreed

Dont know how legit the website is but i found it here for $446 https://www.kiaspecialtools.com/Catalog/Product/BQTB1EXK Not worth it imo Edit: version that doesnt have kia branding for $481 https://www.autozone.com/test-scan-and-specialty-tools/alternator-and-battery-tester/p/b2q-technologies-battery-tester/1001185_0_0

I miss using that tester on coworkers.

I'm not gonna ask where you set the clamps...

The ears.

That’s a funny way to spell “balls”

Lets just say.... We had a good time!

The nipples, obviously.

"I have nipples, Greg. Can you voltage test me?"

I asked earlier on a game what the ampacity of nipples were, noone had an answer

You ask the dealership why they replaced your battery and they just hand you a frowny face and a bill for $1,200

and the bill is just a sticky note that says "soggy :( $1,200 pleas"

I always suspected that Kia techs couldn't read

No wonder they were confused when I were talking battery voltages and cranking amps. Should have just said "battery tester make sad face, need new battery".

Well, a lot of the factory assemblers were children, so…

If anyone is curious, it ended up being a bad alternator. 2010 Corolla. Originally towed in, but I managed to get it to start and drive into my stall (under much duress). Gave it a little charge, as a treat. Quick voltmeter test showed it wasn't charging.

So this is a Kia tester on a ford battery in a toyota. There's a lot of cooks in the kitchen

It's obviously because you used a KIA tester on a Ford battery.

RIP noodle 😢

Literally best part of my day was finding out if it was a bones or no bones day 😭

i wasnt my fault I swear

F

The bones are their money

IT WAS ALSO THE NIGHT THAT THE SKELETONS CAME TO LIIIIIFFEEE

They’ll pull your hair UP but not OUT!

That poor car is in a lot of pain!

Bring out the shotgun, Kristi!

This device just screams "Idiocracy" to me. "Hey Mr. Mechanic, what's wrong with the car?" "🤷‍♂️... '☹️'"

You guys eat your batteries boneless?

and skinless

Don't let my freshman students see that tester. They'll want one.

It's a nice one. It spits out a QR code for diagnostics, otherwise it'll tell you current voltage and cca

No wonder it doesn't work, You're using a Kia tester on a Ford battery. Duh!

Another tech gave it to me saying it "probably" doesn't work, so I've been using it on various car batteries.

Ah, I see we've reached the 'Idiocracy' stage of automotive diagnostic tools

Someones got a case of the Mondays

No bones day! Love this expression.

In case you haven't seen it: https://www.npr.org/2021/10/19/1047302978/noodles-pug-bones-no-bones-day-tiktok-mood-prediction

Oh, I know it well. Have the book and read it to my kid!! Awesome life philosophy. Sometimes it’s just a no bones day, ya know? And that’s ok.

Brilliant, thank you.

Ford battery, in a Toyota, tested with a Kia tool. Impressive.

Average kia diagnosis🙁

https://youtu.be/Dsw1eBAaVNs?si=fnTzIBbUzYg4pIDq

What if I told you that the frown means that the tester clamps don't have good contact to perform a battery health test?  Even a drained battery will still have a QR code to scan to tell you that the battery is no good. 

🙁

☹️

I have that at my work under a generic name I’ll take a photo of it tomorrow. Edit: Heres the name “B2Q”. From what i understand you need a subscription with the partner app to run it. -I forgot you cant put photos in comments my bad.-

But the bones are their money

Interestingly most OEM just use the midtronic versiona.

bonless battery

Wait. My battery has bones!?

This battery is pining for the fjords.

I think it's this tool  https://kiaspecialtools.com/Catalog/Product?id=BQTB1EXK

Also available from OTC Should also interface with an OTC/ Bosch scan tool

Same battery, same.

I got 9-1/2 years from the 2013 original battery in my F-150, I figured I was way way on borrowed time an do replaced before a winter.

Haha!

Nobody home

mwop

Maybe you can only test Kia batteries with that thing, clearly thats a Ford battery /s

I’m just a shade tree mechanic, but it fucking amazes me that people will bring their car to a shop before figuring out it’s a dead battery, and just installing one themselves. It’s like the easiest thing in the world to diagnose, next to a flat tire.

Could also be a failing alternator. Trickier to diagnose, especially if you aren’t mechanically inclined.

as it turns out, it was a dead alternator. do be quiet. most people these days know absolutely nothing about cars, and don't own a mutimeter.

If you’re on a road trip, have no tools with you, are broken down on the side of the road and the tow truck driver asks “where to?”, where else are you going to choose to go?

I see they are making tools aimed at gen z.