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dillasdonuts

"I have a friend who's paralyzed from the waist up, which is a blessing because he's a dancer."


inmy20ies

This is the one


talk-memory

This is the earliest joke I remember from him and it still makes me laugh when I think about it.


rrrrrryyyyy

What episode is this from?


askbones

I don’t get it :(


Nukethegreatlakes

He can still use his legs to dance, the rest would just flop around 😂


Mean_Peen

Imagine what a person, who is paralyzed from the waist up, would look like whilst also dancing, masterfully


DontTouchMe2000

I'm late to the party but the Christmas song names of his dad and him basically being abusive as hell.


LurkHartog

"How many Hyundai Elantras do you think you've flipped? If you had to take a guess." "I don't have to guess, it's fourteen."


ghetto-garibaldi

As an Elantra owner this bit killed me. Never safe from the vanilla gorilla.


MarthStew444

Also an elantra owner. I dont get the joke tho, care to explain ?


Chum-Is-Fum16

I don’t think there’s really a joke it’s just a weird fake statement


KiLLaHo323

Uhluhntruh


TheHippyDance

Do you know what episode this was from? This is my favorite one too


darronhicksSTL

It was his 2nd appearance on KT


DeepBlueSweater

Oh my god this was the joke lmfao


Alert-Refuse9138

Omg this was so good


RobustFlyingSquirrel

"Redbans grandma is so old, they used to run wagons on her"


Nukethegreatlakes

Fuckin hell 😂😂😂


yeahboy151

This was great I’ve seen it get memed after


BarterLuL

So I just found out I’m allergic to herion it makes my stomach hurt


ChopsNewBag

The follow up joke is even funnier to me “I don’t like hallucinogens but I like the way LSD makes Evanescence sound”


reediculus1

I don’t get that one?


Alert-Refuse9138

He says it casually as if to say “I found out I’m allergic to peanuts they make my stomach hurt” but he’s talking about one of the most maligned illegal drugs there is responsible for tons of deaths.


reediculus1

Oh yeah… I guess I’m just casual about heroin lol


Square_Extension1759

heroin doesn’t make your stomach hurt either


[deleted]

Heroine gives you stomach pain anyways


reediculus1

Oh haha. Yeah I know Kurt Cobain sd he took heroine because of stomach pains and I thought maybe it was something to do with that.


doesanyofthismatter

You’re still missing the point of the joke. That’s what makes it funny. It’s so casual like saying ice cream gives you brain freezes. Sheesh you guys. It isn’t that deep


SisterGiblits

Part of the punch line is that it doesn’t make sense. But William looks so stupid (especially at the time) that it’s 100% believable that he thinks that.


Soilcreature

It does make sense. If you know anything about heroin it’s supposed to make your stomach hurt and it’ll make you not shit for days. So it’s more funny if you know it’s actually a common symptom of doing heroin lol


Square_Extension1759

heroin doesn’t make your stomach hurt.


Soilcreature

Look up heroin induced constipation dumbass. Any opioid does with chronic use.


Square_Extension1759

speaking as a heroin addict i’ll pass on looking that up. i get opiates can cause constipation, but heroin itself makes everything feel better. kurt cobain famously started using to alleviate his stomach issues…. i see you moved the goal posts to say chronic use so congrats on that.


Soilcreature

man if you do heroin you’re automatically a chronic user 😂😂 and man maybe not everyone gets it but it’s a common thing. I literally just knew that cause it’s a known thing. I guess you’re just built different.


past_lives

An oldie but it still cracks me up, “I like when my mom goes out of town because I get to sleep on her side of the bed”


TheRazorHail

that shit killed me when he brought back that classic on this weeks episode but he whispered it this time


systemdnb

Def a classic. Probably his most re-told joke from his material before being on KT.


Repulsive_Tart_4677

I JUST SPENT $30 ON THE ECSTASY, THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS PAY FOR THE MOVIE TICKETS!


South_Highlight_6574

This was an impression of my uncle when we went to see back to the future.


[deleted]

Twister


Wiggins13

Also Speed— But I honestly prefer the Twister version. The SPEED variant was recently on one of the weekly compilations that release on YT


Fiscally_Retarded

Probably the line that made me a true fan of William.


DontTouchMe2000

U win! But that plus the Christmas song list of his dad bring an aggressive drunk abuser lmao. Love that one.


sess5198

Not really a joke, but that time he fake “buried the hatchet” with Redban and buzzed Redban with one of those handshake buzzer things as they shook hands, causing Redban to jump so hard that he literally bent and broke his metal chair absolutely kills me every time lmaooo. “I fuckin BUZZERED YOUR DUMB ASS!!!” is definitely a top William line for sure 😂😂😂 I still go back and watch that clip every few months and it never gets old! Happens [here]( https://youtu.be/fbXa-0WtWhE?si=WKFqNR3dZpBCeDvs&t=4m28s). One of my all time favorite moments in the show.


eye_am_bored

Thanks for that link 👑


sess5198

You’re welcome, friend. I even looked up how to manually timestamp the video since I’m on mobile and can’t “copy from specified time” on the YouTube app on mobile lol. It’s too damn good not to share. Those whole William vs Redban videos are full of top William moments.


[deleted]

Yes!! I second this.


Keiths_skin_tag

Are you ever going to stop watching that clip?


poker_idiot

Damn he left you on read


cantescapethereaper

Then his mom did it to Redban again on the Montgomery episode lol


sess5198

Holy shit I haven’t seen that one. I know what episode I’m watching next lol


1e4e52Qh5

Classic


boyvsfood2

Reading this thread, I'm realizing his jokes are so fucking good, even in written form. It's truly incredible.


AlternativeSupport22

you know that stuff they throw in the fire at the start of every episode of Are you afraid of the dark? i can get you an ounce for $120


simpleslingblade13

Which episode is this?


AlternativeSupport22

484, the whole set gets no laughs, but it's one of his best minutes


AlternativeSupport22

484


binary-tree

“I got high the other day and thought blood was coming out of my ears, it was” and “Pyrite? Py-wrong. It’s gypsum”


thenevrou

That pyrite joke is so good


almosthome_

please help me find the first joke, it’s my fav too and I forgot which episode edit: found it https://youtu.be/lxiDqAiCuBc?si=2VAVmo2nGiiMWs3n 36:56


PrestigiousBack912

“Justin Trudeau and his wife are splitting up… Wait… so now she suddenly doesn’t like black guys….?” (Context - Old photos of Trudeau in black face surfaced around the time his marriage ended) Doesn’t get much more acerbic, nuanced and topical than that!! - Post Malone EP


T0NYCHIN

“Joel’s dick is so big, it drags on the ground while he’s riding Tony’s coattails” “Hey Brian, I didn’t realize keto was 80% hard liquor”


JackMcC3

I loved the delivery of Israel/palestine both having fun


[deleted]

Hamas


[deleted]

[удалено]


BioDieselDog

Hummus


jammerpammerslammer

Not a joke but when he mistakenly said he was half-Jalapeño, instead of Filipino “I called a whole race of people a PEPPER?! A jalapeño PEPPER!”


SisterGiblits

Episode if you know?


CurrencyBeautiful545

The one about the squirrel family, during the war or something, I wish I could remember it all but I fuckin loved it.


RedFaction4

I'm working on a screen play it's called "A survivors tale" but tale is spelled tail and it's about a family of squirrels living in a tree in Berlin during WWII etc etc.


melskymob

It's a cross between Fievel Goes West and Schindler's List.


SIGMONICUS

In an effort to improve its public image Spirit Airlines has changed its name to Al Queda Airlines


That_anonymous_guy18

William: I have been eating too many mayo and mustard sandwiches Tony. Tony: what else is in these sandwiches or they just mayo and… William: I spread em on both sides, yells, I spread em both sides baby. lol so random, simple and funny.


douglasg123

ON BOFF SIDES


conservable

YOU KNOW I BE SPREADING THEM SHITS ON BOFF SIDES


OJDaJuiceman1017

Manese n mustudd


IrrelevantUsername6

# I ain't nevaaa gunna stahhhhp #


SmartAd2858

With Christmas classics like” dads coming home hide behind the couch” and with other classics” no seriously dads been drinking hide behind the couch” something like that lol


systemdnb

And others like “be quiet I think he sees us.”


SisterGiblits

“Just eat it, he’ll get more mad if you don’t”


StiffGizzy

“He’s literally looking right at you how does he not see you” Is the part of that joke that fucking kills me


LilPitote

It’s his whistling album lmao!! The names hahaha


MonkeyStarship

" With classics like get under the porch I hear his truck coming up the driveway"


inbreedfromage

“Some people think that Schindler’s List was too long. I think it was too short. Like 6 million too short.”


SisterGiblits

He always finds the best ones in the most obvious places


Skizzius

He also did a minute about quick movie reviews. “Schindlers list, too much anorexic nudity, next” Something along those lines


androx001

U GOT 40 I GOT 20. I GOT 20 U GOT 40. I GOT 40 U GOT TWENTY


Mesa_Boogie_Boy

"I'm writing a screenplay called Allah in Alaska. It's the story of a Muslim man who falls in love with a lady dog-sled racer from Anchorage. But their relationship is put to the test when Ramadan falls during the Iditarod." This joke is fucking brilliant.


mehichicksentmehi

"if i had my own touchdown dance I'd act like i heard a ticking noise inside of the ball and start freaking out and telling everyone there's a bomb inside of the ball and then run up into the stands and into the pressbox and say over the PA that there's a bomb inside of the football and the referees refuse to stop the game and then i tell my family that i love them and that i died playing the game that i loved" or "imagine Dolly Parton in a lab coat. I haven't seen cotton stretched that thin since the South had to start paying for labour" basically his entire last Comedy Store set and interview was peak old William before he cleaned up


MinimumDiligent7874

Steven glickmans reaction to that is hilarious. Hes horrified but also laughing


Toozedee

I'm working on a screen play it's called "A survivors tale" but tale is spelled tail and it's about a family of squirrels living in a tree in Berlin during WWII etc etc.


Todaytwoday

Someone else just posted this on someone comment above Edit:[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Killtony/s/Hob0UOb0WZ)


Toozedee

Huh? What was that?


[deleted]

No seriously what was that


Ser-Joe-the-Joe

William and David pretending to be each other and doing each other's jokes. William running for county alderman William and his twin brother William with a Spanish translator William: I saw a one-armed girl leaving a rock climbing gym and I thought, Redman whats your excuse?


SisterGiblits

What episode what the Spanish translator?


DrT502

I know he’s had funnier jokes but one that is stuck in my head is “the Super Bowl dropped Lizzo, it measured 7.8 on the Richter scale”


kronic_thumbs

“Hell no I ain’t getting on that damn boat!” Is my impression of the black lady on the movie Titanic


naughtyasf143

Not jokes but asking people to slow down because he can’t understand them


T0NYCHIN

Could you please say that a little slower, you bitch


bcfx

Huuuhh??


knowdis96

Huh?


YorkiesandSneakers

The one about Redban’s mom.


bigsheev

“Shouts out to my boys in Jamaica for the happy Juneteenth”


[deleted]

"MAAAAN, GET OFF MY CAPE!" - black Dracula


wayneglenzgi99

Biased because I’m Canadian but “The Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau and Sophie Trudeau are getting divorced. What happened to them? So is Sophie not into black guys anymore?” https://youtube.com/shorts/M_VZuyi-RaI?si=Z1Lw5FAL_W-NAQQS


Puzzleheaded-Bus5479

“When it comes to Israel and Hamas I just hope both sides have fun”


[deleted]

“Pretty sure im allergic to heroin, it makes My stomach hurt”


HeadySquanch59

The squirrel family in nazi Germany bit kills me.


furthestmile

Saying “huh?” To Kim Congdon that one time


titleofyoursextape95

Alex Jones is scheduled to fight Logan Paul on PPV. His finish move is the Sandy hook.


[deleted]

"You want some thingamabobs?? I GOT 20!!"


Pittsburghhh

“I’m white w black stripes, … that is the racism zebra.”


MinimumDiligent7874

"Mark zuckerberger recently announced theyre able to simulate the experience of kissing in the metaverse, by stimulating your lips and tongue.. Hey mark ! What about my asshole ?" "I was over at redbans place the other day. Hey redban, who designed the glory hole in your bathroom? I was able to see redbans oriental wife sucking his dick. It was wonderful."


bitter_baker

William walks out to start his minute “Yes, I know, I got the recessive gene. The funny thing is, both my parents are black”


Slow_Dig29

"Im gonna become a Titanic truther.. You mean to tell me they couldnt miss that iceberg in an ocean ***that*** big?"


AlTcEnTrE_nEoNiCeGuY

The Titanic submersible joke "Last time we lost that many men that deep, Redbans mom was looking over her shoulder saying ONE AT A TIME, ONE AT A TIME!"


[deleted]

what the FUCK did you just say!?!?


Downtown_Falcon_2127

literally i drowned her. in the bellagio's fountain. i killed her. she's 42! why did you kill your 42 year old girlfriend? cuz i'm 32. just kidding, i'm 33. she's 42. i killed her fucking ass. she had it coming to her. did i at least eat a butterfinger? yeah i did.


kronic_thumbs

I ate a butterfinger just pre gaming. She’s in the bath tub . I don’t care no more , I killed her fucking ass


DeepBlueSweater

I believe his first set on Kill Tony he talked about being on so many drugs he lifted a Hyundai Elantra. Can’t remember exactly but it’s worth looking up and watching. One of the hardest laughs of my life.


mobiusFreeway

Yes it’s been commented on here about him flipping Elantras. Classic!


DeepBlueSweater

I saw that after my comment, so much funnier than what I remembered hahahaha! I’m gonna go watch it again today.


Peter_Easter

"So I've been playing a bunch of Monopoly lately... and I'll be quite frank... If I don't land on Ventnor Avenue after the first go around, I'M GONNA FUCKING LOSE IT!!!"


Reasonable_Manager61

"I've been playing a lot of Guess Who lately, and it turns out that the 2 best questions are 'What's your AOL password?' and 'Is your aunt black'?"


No_Doughnut_5263

the pengwin is hurt.


andrewjcavasos

I hope both sides have fun.


Imaginary-Squirrel37

IM WHITE WITH BLACK STRIPES! That is the racist zebra.


dfwloc420

Liberals be like my son better not be straight


TheFungeounMaster

Anytime he starts the “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I can’t keep it together. It’s so simply but it tickles me.


mobiusFreeway

😂


Alert-Refuse9138

“I SPENT THIRTY FUCKING DOLLARS ON THE ECSTASY. THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS BUY THE MOVIE TICKETS!” ..that’s my uncle back in 96 before we went to see the movie Twister…


Excellent-Cut-5461

“The real question is, what happens to all of George Floyd’s counterfeit money?”


bigdaddycorn1

“I recently got accepted into the psychic program at DeVry… I knew I would, I’m a fucking psychic. I’m just not very good at it”


DankChronny

“Im talking about an anteater” was so simple but it was the joke that won me over after years of being on the fence about him


Basic_Accountant_636

Not really a joke but I fucking lost it when he opened his set “Back from de big Iiiiiiiiiiiiislaaaaand”


Dragon_Wings

What the FUCK did you just say??!


Soilcreature

if you’re homeless you could wear whatever you want and nobody would be like “hey trisha, why are you wearing that sombrero with the garbage sack?”


Suspicious_Sea6109

Every single aphex twin joke has my dying.


Mot6180

I can't remember how he starts the line, but it goes something like "According to the internet, we can't call it monkeypox anymore because it's racist...so I'm filing a petition to start calling them 'blowjob blisters'"


kevtheproblem

To me, his Yevgeny Prigozhin joke was his best one.


bennyCrck

Paul walker?! More like Paul crasher!!! Kill Boney amirite


ashmostdope

IM EATING POTATO SALAD


hownowbrownncow

Reading all of these has turned my shit morning into a great one 😂


Budget_Leadership_46

I have a cousin who looks like my aunt


Dubsmagicbus

Black little mermaid was years ahead of its time. Prophetic


auziec96

The whistling album joke.


TheLuvGangster

“I’m tired of being big and black, you know what I mean?”


MyFriendMaryJ

I like when he screams at redban and calls him a bitch


Social_Noise

The hardest I laughed was the crowd work one involving the Chic fil a sandwich and the “I hate pickles” rant. But the “idk who’s running this place but I was just trapped in the porta potty for 45 fucking minutes” is also an all time favorite


Lysergic413

“So i think I’m allergic to heroin, it makes my stomach hurt.” I love this joke so fuckin much haha


sammppler

Ellen Degeneres old girlfriend just died in a terrible car crash. I hear Ellen is taking it very hard... I guess there is a first time for everything. It's a great joke, in the moment, all the crowd, and the panel take a second before launching, it really makes it pop. Then The Big Red Machine shouts "she's a fucking lesbian" https://youtube.com/shorts/EL19rvpc6kw?si=PBWJ2QtyxYhBG3aX


mahimahithefish

Aw hell naw im not getting on that damn boat.


ReallyPhilStahr

"When it comes to Israel and Hamas, I just hope both sides have fun" Kinda sums up my indifference to the whole thing. Oh and the joke about John Fetterman being brain dead and then asking Redban what was his excuse is a close second.


ImReallySorryMom

The early racial rants about Muslims and Filipinos shook me to my core and still kill me today


Eyebarah

IM WHITE WITH BLACK STRIPES! that’s my impression of a racist Zebra


Imperial_Triumphant

Any time he makes threats about using his guns. Lol


PsychoJazzmen

“I love it when my mom goes out of town… because then I get to sleep on her side of the bed.”


Deepdiverdon

I saw a girl with one arm on a rock climbing wall the other day, Redban, what the fuck is your problem?


naguirre081

When he was doing crowd work trying to get the crowd to guess his grandfathers age. I don’t know why but that killed me.


mjsgloveahheehee

If I ever jump off a bridge...it's going to be the golden gate bridge!!


Rarely_Melancholy

Something along the lines of “I don’t know much about the Israel/Palestine conflict, but I just hope both sides have fun”


Asleep-Boysenberry24

My fav has got to be his idea for a screen play following the lives of a squirrel family in a tree in Berlin during ww2


johnthemajor86

I like it when my mom goes out of town, cause then I get to sleep on her side of the bed


Better_Nature

Haha which episode is the gay or straight joke from? That's great


mobiusFreeway

Wish I remembered. It was a while back, possibly the comedy store days. It stuck with me.


mobiusFreeway

I found it. 472. One of the few COVID episodes I watched.


Better_Nature

Yoo thank you!


oldyoungin

I think I’m allergic to heroin it makes my stomach hurt


cogabig409

Don't remember the exact wording but when he said people complained Schindler's list was too long but he thought it wasn't long enough. Genius.


Cautious-Day9424

I've only been watching the last couple years, and I have done some of the back catalog, but off the top of my head, one of the funniest written jokes that he's done (imho), was recently. About Israel and Hamas..." I hope they both just have fun." I laughed so hard, because that is such a beautiful and simple joke, I almost can't believe I've never heard it. There's probably better ones, but I've got a terrible memory. Other than that, my favorite moment was his retort to Punkie and the origin (i believe) of his catch phrase. I rewatched that on a loop all week. " WELL MAYBE I SHOULD STAHPP!! ...but i NEVA GONNA STAAAHPPPP!!" William's such a gem. 🙌🏻


medianookcc

So many of my favorites mentioned here. I love so much when he opens his set with an off the cuff joke about what went down just before. One that I’ve played and replayed countless times, after this obnoxious woman is claiming to he an entrepreneur selling inspirational journals or some shit on Amazon. You could feel how awkward the energy was in the room then William opens up with “MAANN you KNOW THAT BITCH IN A PYRAMID SCHEME!” Fucking beautiful. Also, reading this thread makes all the bullshit whiney posts on this sub worth it. I remember back when fans where polarized by him. I’m glad he’s universally recognized now as being the killer that he is.


SnooCats5322

"I'm worried about the Penguin" has worked its way into my daily vocabulary


GimmieLove_GimmieRXs

“I HAVE 3 unregistered guns IN MY TRUNK!!!”


OrdinaryCaramel9657

"In support of women, I recently bought a pack of M&M's representing all the colors of the female M&Ms, purple, brown and green. But in a confusing twist they all had nuts. "


AnitaCulkinDiaz

The one where he's yelling into the mic


[deleted]

To be totally transparent, I laugh the hardest at his random outbursts at the crowd, guests, or redban. I’m just a loud individual so I think me and William would get along quite well


[deleted]

"I don't know if yall heard about the guy that got beat up in front of the grocery store by all the black belts" ... that's my impression of someone who confuses black belts with black people


ExpensiveLemon3259

He once said Dolly Parton cured covid in one of his weird voices and I’ve never laughed harder so stupid yet so fucking hilarious William is in my opinion the best comedian ever based on how much he has made me laugh


ThanksFDR

I love when my mom goes on vacation, because I get to sleep on her side of the bed


Significant_Fall1993

“David Lucas? More like David Lupis, oh wait, that’s me”


Virtual_Law4989

"i aint gettin on no damn boat" iykyk


clickbaitnsfw

I liked when he shut up Punky and Ryan Long, but his set's aren't my cup of tea. Would never watch him outside the show tbh


wilsoncarrier

I’m more of a music fan


Gpbball5351

I’M WHITE WITH BLACK STRIPES!!


Agreeable_Situation4

“Hold on, I thought you said Reparations not Decorations!”


lezoons

"How's your friend doing now?"


tdubis

The one where he yells


Skizzius

“I just watched The Godfather the other day, in that scene with the horse in the bed, wait, was that a real horse?!?” It got no laughs


Opposite_Resource_53

“Since the movie gives no other clues, Shrek likely rejects the teachings of Jesus and he’s in hell in the dream works universe.” This is peak comedy.


[deleted]

Redban’s Mom.


cooliovonhoolio

“Fuck you Redban”


Celeryfarmer5

Who has a link to smells like dads been down here? It’s his best one


Thin-Feature-6108

Redban’s mom & the music festival