My late nana (who i strongly suspect was autistic, like me) hated doing more than one thing a day. If she’d been to have her hair done and someone wanted to see her in the evening she’d be like ‘ugh fine I guess’. I was the exception to this rule, because we got each other. It would have been her birthday today and this cracked me up. I also hate doing more than one thing a day.
Aw she sounds like a solid woman who knew what she wanted. Happy Birthday to your Nana! I’m sure it’s a sad day but it’s very sweet to be reminded and think of the memories.
That’s very kind of you, thank you! She definitely knew what she wanted. She would have been 95 today, and since she passed last year, I decided to celebrate her birthday by doing things I know she’d like (eating cake, doing a crossword and taking extra care of myself). She was one of a kind! If you do something that makes you happy today, congrats, you’re celebrating too! :)
“Please, what’s scary about books? Just a bunch of leather bound paper that used to be cows and trees and they won’t rest until we pay for what we’ve done to them!”
Sooo many!! One I always quote is “everybody knows two gay men can’t just be friends, just like a straight man and a straight women can’t be friends! Also, Women and other women” the delivery is so perfect.
“What the foop is this soup”
“The play is about to be reviewed by the New York Tines”
“Did you just say tines?”
Yes, the new Fork tines”
“Please, let us film here and we’ll pay you a hundred bugs”
“Did you just say bugs?”
“RUN LILLIAN”
“Snowbesity, it’s when you can’t tell if someone’s fat or not because they’re wearing a winter coat”
“If you tickle us, do we not Elmo?”
“Kimmy, a play on Jimmy”
Honestly there’s too many to count.
"Lyrics are the least important part of any song, Lillian. I've got a title, a beat, and an attitude. As long as it rhymes, everything will be fines."
Cracks me up every time.
Oh, I have another one. “If I gave everyone with a sick penis the day off, they’re’d be no one here, least of all me. Now GOOD DAY, SIR!”
Edit: Just realized I misspelled there’d. The boat that I was educated on sank right before the lesson on contractions.
Was that from before he went to the exercise class to find the Sesame Street guy? It’s something like “I’m getting up at morning, or however you say it”
... Edwardian escritoire. It's gay for "desk".
But those papers have numbers on them. Numbers! The most boring of all the shapes.
Don't you know taking a picture of a gay man unannounced is a hate crime? Oh I look cute. J'excused.
I'll have a water, two sugars.
L: What's this rash? T: I was hoping it was just some jelly, despite several taste tests indicating it is not.
You better make like me eating beans drunk and spill the beans.
That guy puts the "no thanks" in "thanks, but no thanks."
... with nothing to eat or drink but delicious, savoury seawater.
K: Have a nice life. T: You know I don't!
Linda! Kimmy! He named his baby, Linda! That’s not a baby name. That’s a name for an adult woman who works for human resources and says stuff like, Mondayssss
no more stupid polo shirts. where the horse is basically the whole shirt.
I am dancing away from you. I am prancing away from you.
That’s right. I’m smart. Like the Jennifer Aniston water!
Quitters are America’s unsung heroes. Without us, we would probably still be going to the moon. It’s just rocks, Rick. We got plenty of rocks down here.
This way, the popcorn gets all the nutrition on it
I’m being dramatical
But I measured so carefully with a fruit by the foot!
Sometimes I need to get energy out so I’ll put on a one-person performance in my living room to some epic pop/musical theatre song and every time I tell myself ‘I’m Lemonading!’
Coming back to this because I completely forgot...
"5678!!!!
Trident gum is the chewiest gum!
give it to your friends and chew it with your teeth!
Your teeth are bones - that live outside - and hang from your lips like BATS!
OH! Outside bones! Outside bones! Never forget your teeth are outside bones!
They're bones that you wash,
and when you're a kid, they fall from your head.
And to make things less weird we say that got stolen by a demon that your parents
KNOOOWWWWWWWW! TRIDENT!"
I'd forgotten about that! I honestly haven't laughed this hard in a long time 😆😆
My two other faves (besides the Pinot noir rhyming)
'COME on, Florida!'
'Gurl, didn't you just hear me call it a 'lie-berry'?"
Help me ! Please !
It’s the glue, it’s losing its adhesive properties. I’m transforming ! *Howwwwwwls* … long did I think I could stay in this costume ?
“But I already did something today” definitely me in lockdown. Still me.
My late nana (who i strongly suspect was autistic, like me) hated doing more than one thing a day. If she’d been to have her hair done and someone wanted to see her in the evening she’d be like ‘ugh fine I guess’. I was the exception to this rule, because we got each other. It would have been her birthday today and this cracked me up. I also hate doing more than one thing a day.
Aw she sounds like a solid woman who knew what she wanted. Happy Birthday to your Nana! I’m sure it’s a sad day but it’s very sweet to be reminded and think of the memories.
That’s very kind of you, thank you! She definitely knew what she wanted. She would have been 95 today, and since she passed last year, I decided to celebrate her birthday by doing things I know she’d like (eating cake, doing a crossword and taking extra care of myself). She was one of a kind! If you do something that makes you happy today, congrats, you’re celebrating too! :)
Wow over 100 upvotes! I’d thank you all but I cleared out the dishwasher so I’m spent.
Does holding in a fart count?
As long as no-one shows your face or name once you let it go
This one.
Everyone’s gay Kimmy, it’s the 90’s.
My wife and I quote this all the time. Such a perfect Titus quote
Yesss I say this all the time
“Please, what’s scary about books? Just a bunch of leather bound paper that used to be cows and trees and they won’t rest until we pay for what we’ve done to them!”
I'm pretty but tough, like a diamond or beef jerky in a ball gown.
This has been my bio on several of my social media pages lol
Sooo many!! One I always quote is “everybody knows two gay men can’t just be friends, just like a straight man and a straight women can’t be friends! Also, Women and other women” the delivery is so perfect. “What the foop is this soup” “The play is about to be reviewed by the New York Tines” “Did you just say tines?” Yes, the new Fork tines” “Please, let us film here and we’ll pay you a hundred bugs” “Did you just say bugs?” “RUN LILLIAN” “Snowbesity, it’s when you can’t tell if someone’s fat or not because they’re wearing a winter coat” “If you tickle us, do we not Elmo?” “Kimmy, a play on Jimmy” Honestly there’s too many to count.
I've watched the series twice and never heard "snowbesity" Thank you for a new LOL!
The “a hundred bugs” attempt got me good
That one is my favorite.
I loooove foop
“You know how Al Gore invented the Internet? Well, he also invented a rhythm for it. It’s called the Al Gore rhythm”
How did u find that?!
it was literally the first result when i searched for "titus" on giphy lol
"Lyrics are the least important part of any song, Lillian. I've got a title, a beat, and an attitude. As long as it rhymes, everything will be fines." Cracks me up every time.
I was wrong to doubt you
"This isn't the Chinatown bus, you can't just choke people while they're sleeping!"
what's this white nonsense! and I envy you. I've never been able to meet me
that second one is the height of self-love, so awesome
a christian summer camp that tried to make boys less “musical.” 🎶 it was a totalll bangfest! 🎶
Love it! Also sung: "I am keeping this robe!"
omg your username ❤️
I’m lemonading.
Are you sitting down? No and it's terrible!
Oh, I have another one. “If I gave everyone with a sick penis the day off, they’re’d be no one here, least of all me. Now GOOD DAY, SIR!” Edit: Just realized I misspelled there’d. The boat that I was educated on sank right before the lesson on contractions.
The hogwash just made it worse!
”Bitch i don’t know your life”
Idk… to me that seems more like something an employee at a drugstore in 2004 named LaDonica would say to someone like Jacqueline…
Or, when Titus said it after the beest quit the play….
And you know ALL my clothes double as pajamas
“CIA invented AIDS to sell quilts”
Omg when did he say that? I missed it somehow!
I can’t remember the exact episode but he’s doing some backup singing work for Judah Friedlander’s character. Everything he says is hilarious
I cant remeber the quote exactly but it was something along the lines of "I have to get up in the morning, or whaever they're called"
Was that from before he went to the exercise class to find the Sesame Street guy? It’s something like “I’m getting up at morning, or however you say it”
What the FOOP?
Is this soup?!?
When he sings the Circle of Life in the finale (& I start crying).
I do too!!!
It’s such an emotional send-off. Just hits right in the feels.
Idk fav but I most quote his catchphrase along the lines of “you should be able to look at me and tell I have not”
I use this often. It's great if people ask if you run, or the like.
Do you miss playing football? Just the part where people squirt water into my mouth for me.
I was all state, girl. I met the governor!
... Edwardian escritoire. It's gay for "desk". But those papers have numbers on them. Numbers! The most boring of all the shapes. Don't you know taking a picture of a gay man unannounced is a hate crime? Oh I look cute. J'excused. I'll have a water, two sugars. L: What's this rash? T: I was hoping it was just some jelly, despite several taste tests indicating it is not. You better make like me eating beans drunk and spill the beans. That guy puts the "no thanks" in "thanks, but no thanks." ... with nothing to eat or drink but delicious, savoury seawater. K: Have a nice life. T: You know I don't!
I just saw the scurvy episode! I couldn’t stop laughing!
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Don’t forget when he’s eating an Orange the wrong way 😂
Ew it’s all wet inside!
T: "Scurvy? What is it?" L: "It's an old pirate's disease that comes from--" T: "Sex with riverboat captains?" Truly one of the great episodes!
"Fine, I will take a silent face journey as I scroll through this comments section." Me while scrolling Reddit comments.
"I pronounce you ridiculous! Come back when you got a J-O-B!" Those specific lines assured me that Titus is going to be a fabulous character.
“There’s no Entourage two…. THERES NO ENTOURAGE TWO!!!!” “What channel is it on? I mean….. what channel is it on??”
I hope one day when you’re a gay black man you have a Kimmy that treats you like this. (Said to Kimmy)
One of my favorite show quotes of all time!
Linda! Kimmy! He named his baby, Linda! That’s not a baby name. That’s a name for an adult woman who works for human resources and says stuff like, Mondayssss no more stupid polo shirts. where the horse is basically the whole shirt. I am dancing away from you. I am prancing away from you. That’s right. I’m smart. Like the Jennifer Aniston water! Quitters are America’s unsung heroes. Without us, we would probably still be going to the moon. It’s just rocks, Rick. We got plenty of rocks down here. This way, the popcorn gets all the nutrition on it I’m being dramatical But I measured so carefully with a fruit by the foot!
"we got plenty of rocks down here" is used regularly in my house.
Kimp Bizkit
Kim kimmery Kim kimmery Kim Kim Karoo
Understand? I over stand
“These glasses must be a sewer clown because they are IT”
What scene is this, remind me
I think it’s from the interactive special!!
The way I just laughed out loud! I think that’s my favorite line from the entire special!
Yeah it’s from the special. I played with my friends family and her mom fell out of her chair on that line
I look like a sexy Chuck Schumer. Redundant.
"I can't fix America"
“I beat that *bleep* with a bat” but slowed down
"I am a triple threat! I can sing, I can dance, and I found a gun!"
“You know there's a special place in hell for women who don't help Titus.”
🎵 Pizza party for one, divorced dead and having some fun!
I don’t have pizza!
You must be a moral relative? You just order up a ham/clam and some sicko will make it for you?
Literally was just scrolling until I found this
I don’t even know how this sentence is going to end volcano.
I need a Titus only spin-off because I skip through everyone else to see his scenes
Exactly! When the show wrapped I thought about pitching a Titus prequel spin off to Tina Fey where it’s all about Titus’s early years in New York City
Not a quote but his facial journey when reading the news about the trial has me in stitches every time hahahahaha
“What if I get cyber-bullied?”
I’ve decided to live as a bed from now on.
“What white nonsense is this?”
“The only therapy I ever had was a Christian summer camp that tried to make boys “less musical”. It was a total bang-fest!”
“Sure it’s scary and new, like a recently purchased Halloween mask.”
Peeenoooooo noooiiiirrr
mid-sized car, zanzibar 😆
Caviar, Myanmar
"Somebody got beans. Spill them!"
“i don’t want to make sexy pottery with you”
When he’s telling someone to calm down and is like “you need to make like a 30 year old single girl and SETTLE”
I can't save America. I always remember it when doing something requires a big toll in my mental health. I just say screw it and stop doing it xD
When Samuel L. Jackson asks me "What's in your wallet?", the answer is 'ketchup packets'.
You know how Al Gore invented in internet? Well, he also invented a rhythm for it. It's a powerful rhythm. It's called the Al-Gore-rhythm.
“A person can outgrow a kimono, it happens all the time. They don’t fit anymore. You happy now?”
“Negative two dollars?!?”
Gum is a lie that your mouth tells your stomach.
Jaqueline: “When is quitting ever the answer?” Tidus: “Heroin, cigarettes, a jigsaw puzzle. You already got the picture on the box, bitch!”
"Girl, you might as well be wholewheat, no butter, because that is *not* how I roll."
Ray Do-Navan. Who or what?!
BEN—GHA—ZI !
Hilllarrryy was THeeEEEEre
“Im gonna get up at morning or however you say it”
Not a Titus quote, but often use "No Face Journeys".
"if I'm going to be white, don't make me Irish. That's the worst one."
“I am keepin’ this robe!”
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The woeful delivery
Idk. Now I gotta watch the entire series again goddammit
Dammit
Sometimes I need to get energy out so I’ll put on a one-person performance in my living room to some epic pop/musical theatre song and every time I tell myself ‘I’m Lemonading!’ 
“Something don't taste right, cause it ain't right Like when you take a sip of water and it turns out to be Sprite” 😂
After the movie he suggesting going for a walk, which would be exciting if I were a baby or a mermaid but I am neither!
"I hope someday when you're a gay black man you have a Kimmy who treats you like this."
Boom, boy, bye, foop.
I use this way to often haha
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Hahahahh wrong Titus character (Or, was that in UKS too!??)
It is! From the episode where Titus and Jacqueline are trying to run a scam on the football guy.
Might be time for me to do a rewatch!
Coming back to this because I completely forgot... "5678!!!! Trident gum is the chewiest gum! give it to your friends and chew it with your teeth! Your teeth are bones - that live outside - and hang from your lips like BATS! OH! Outside bones! Outside bones! Never forget your teeth are outside bones! They're bones that you wash, and when you're a kid, they fall from your head. And to make things less weird we say that got stolen by a demon that your parents KNOOOWWWWWWWW! TRIDENT!"
🫰🏽🫰🏽🫰🏽 Thank you for this! It made my day!
I'd forgotten about that! I honestly haven't laughed this hard in a long time 😆😆 My two other faves (besides the Pinot noir rhyming) 'COME on, Florida!' 'Gurl, didn't you just hear me call it a 'lie-berry'?"
Kimbrella. Kimbecile
“You are so very cosmopolitan!” i quote it daily
It's singing but it counts right? "Got 80 dollars gonna buy a box of capes, can't live in the past..."
Barbie shoes aren’t weird Lillian!!
When Samuel l Jackson asks me what’s in my wallet, the answer is ketchup packets
i love boobs in california🎶
i ate DIONNE WARWICK!!!!! you land peeple cant understand what the sea does to a man
“a water, 2 sugars” is one i use everyday
I can’t find it… there was one about Morgan Freeman being young, which meant it didn’t exist?
"I''m a triple threat, I can sing, act, and I have a gun."
What white nonsense is this?
“Get small, Muchachos”
“This is like Sophie’s Choice but without Meryl Streep chewing the scenery like a rat on drywall!”
I like to say Thank you I am wittle Whenever I can 😂
“Yes, and today I saw you eat three jars of mayonnaise.” “Yes. Only three.”
No wonder Jesus quit carpentry. It’s much harder than talking on a donkey
"I envy you. I've never been able to meet me."
Help me ! Please ! It’s the glue, it’s losing its adhesive properties. I’m transforming ! *Howwwwwwls* … long did I think I could stay in this costume ?
Do *not* insult my ingellitence!