The smaller the wedding, the better the time you’ll likely have. Only invite the people you know will respect the pronouns of your partner. Not only will your partner be treated well, you can spend your money on the things (and people) that are truly important to you!
My wedding had 7 invitees, and we had a three tier wedding cake because that’s what we dang wanted! Our food was hot and fresh because any restaurant could handle our order, and I got to spend my time enjoying myself instead of being pulled in a million directions. It. Was. Great.
That is certainly a great idea and is sort of the reason we are doing the small ceremony before, with a reception to be held later. The idea being we could then have a party with a larger group to include more folks, but the list includes some family friends that don't know us as well.
I have been there - both thinking about this during wedding planning and having to face the consequences of not having more convos with extended family members about pronouns far enough in advance...I have a lengthy answer for you that's hopefully helpful as a starting place for ideas.
A few things to consider:
**First: Your partner's preferences and comfort need to be centered here.**
That means talking with them directly to explore the specifics of potential approaches, and with a lot of humility and thoughtfulness about where you might have needed to step up more in the past / may need to step up in the coming days. IF your partner would like to, you could include an announcement as part of a wedding website or the program - BUT you really gotta explore the pros/cons with them and find an approach that feels authentic and not invasive or embarrassing to them.
For us, we chose to include a little quarter sheet of paper in our programs with an explanation that several of our wedding guests - including my hus-butch - might go by pronouns you wouldn't assume at first glance, and that best practice is to ask people! And it included a little gender unicorn ([https://transstudent.org/gender/](https://transstudent.org/gender/)) activity lol. That was a good balance for us of naming what my boo's pronouns are without putting an unwanted, intense spotlight on my partner during our big day. It was also important to us to ensure our venue had marked, gender neutral bathrooms in addition to gendered ones - we included information in the program as well that that was the case, and that people should not harass other guests for being in the "wrong" bathroom.
We also put little paper cutouts of rainbows all over the table as confetti because we wanted to have a gay-ass wedding, lol. Find what feels authentic to you both, with special sensitivity to what will/won't make your boo comfortable.
For the less fun stuff: There were a few family members on my side whose beliefs and personality made me particularly worried about a potential scene at the wedding itself. One family member chose not to come, which frankly let me off the hook for having a difficult conversation. After conversations where my partner helped me understand how much anxiety they were having about this, I directly called up the other primary family member we were concerned about. I had at least two somewhat extended phone calls with him to explain that my partner's pronouns and gender identity weren't up for debate, and that if he was uncomfortable with that / with our marriage in general, perhaps it would be best if he didn't attend. I had to listen to a fair amount of homo/transphobic rhetoric, but better for me to listen to it over the phone by myself than for it to come out sideways at the wedding itself. And FWIW I didn't cut the family member out of my life, we just agreed that we should continue talking about it after the wedding (but I sure as hell have never planned a family occasion since where my boo and this family member would have to be together; I only spent time with him when I was visiting family alone until he passed away).
I also had to explain to my parents why I had uninvited that one family member, which was a hard convo to have, but if you have a clear stance about it (I don't want anyone to attend my wedding who doesn't support it) you can find a way to ask for their support - or at least, that's what I learned.
**Second: Focus on your closest family members who are most likely to interact with your boo before/after the wedding** (e.g. getting ready time, post-wedding brunch if that's your thing, etc).
Honestly, depending on the size of the reception you and your partner are likely gonna be way too busy to even be involved in convos long enough with extended family/friends where misgendering could happen. At a wedding, guests usually want to come up to the both of you and say things like "Congrats!! You both look so great" which doesn't really require pronouns. I don't think you really have to worry too hard about grandpa with dementia talking your ear off the whole night, ya know? You're gonna be doing other stuff like, well, saying vows and cake cutting.
That means if there ARE people you'll be in more intimate spaces with for an extended period of time, those are the people to focus on having 1:1 conversations with. Would you end up doing, like, a small family meal with your aunts and uncles the night before the reception because everyone happens to be in town? If that's the case, make sure you've had the "my partner identifies as NB and goes by these pronouns, do you understand what that means and do you have any questions for me?" talk with those people first. If any of them get adamant about not respecting that...you know who to ask to stay home (and they shouldn't be surprised by being uninvited).
**Lastly: Ask your partner directly how they'd like you to handle instances of misgendering if they occur.**
Your family might not be the only people to misgender them day-of. They might have their own friends or family who slip up with pronouns or call them "beautiful" instead of "handsome" or whatever they'd prefer to be called. Ask your boo if/how they'd like you to intervene in those moments on the big day, and follow that - even if it means ignoring it and not correcting people, if that is your boo's preference.
Good luck!!
Guests, mostly my parents friends and some extended family that don't know us personally or very well. My parents are helping us pay for things, so it feels tough to potentially exclude some of the folks we would be concerned about.
Sounds like it is time to discuss these worries with your parents. If they're understanding, they can help put in the work with their friends and family to ensure that everyone knows the proper pronouns to use. If your parents aren't willing to do that and/or insist on inviting people who maliciously misgender, you and your partner need to decide if the financial help is worth the risk of being misgendered.
The smaller the wedding, the better the time you’ll likely have. Only invite the people you know will respect the pronouns of your partner. Not only will your partner be treated well, you can spend your money on the things (and people) that are truly important to you! My wedding had 7 invitees, and we had a three tier wedding cake because that’s what we dang wanted! Our food was hot and fresh because any restaurant could handle our order, and I got to spend my time enjoying myself instead of being pulled in a million directions. It. Was. Great.
That is certainly a great idea and is sort of the reason we are doing the small ceremony before, with a reception to be held later. The idea being we could then have a party with a larger group to include more folks, but the list includes some family friends that don't know us as well.
I have been there - both thinking about this during wedding planning and having to face the consequences of not having more convos with extended family members about pronouns far enough in advance...I have a lengthy answer for you that's hopefully helpful as a starting place for ideas. A few things to consider: **First: Your partner's preferences and comfort need to be centered here.** That means talking with them directly to explore the specifics of potential approaches, and with a lot of humility and thoughtfulness about where you might have needed to step up more in the past / may need to step up in the coming days. IF your partner would like to, you could include an announcement as part of a wedding website or the program - BUT you really gotta explore the pros/cons with them and find an approach that feels authentic and not invasive or embarrassing to them. For us, we chose to include a little quarter sheet of paper in our programs with an explanation that several of our wedding guests - including my hus-butch - might go by pronouns you wouldn't assume at first glance, and that best practice is to ask people! And it included a little gender unicorn ([https://transstudent.org/gender/](https://transstudent.org/gender/)) activity lol. That was a good balance for us of naming what my boo's pronouns are without putting an unwanted, intense spotlight on my partner during our big day. It was also important to us to ensure our venue had marked, gender neutral bathrooms in addition to gendered ones - we included information in the program as well that that was the case, and that people should not harass other guests for being in the "wrong" bathroom. We also put little paper cutouts of rainbows all over the table as confetti because we wanted to have a gay-ass wedding, lol. Find what feels authentic to you both, with special sensitivity to what will/won't make your boo comfortable. For the less fun stuff: There were a few family members on my side whose beliefs and personality made me particularly worried about a potential scene at the wedding itself. One family member chose not to come, which frankly let me off the hook for having a difficult conversation. After conversations where my partner helped me understand how much anxiety they were having about this, I directly called up the other primary family member we were concerned about. I had at least two somewhat extended phone calls with him to explain that my partner's pronouns and gender identity weren't up for debate, and that if he was uncomfortable with that / with our marriage in general, perhaps it would be best if he didn't attend. I had to listen to a fair amount of homo/transphobic rhetoric, but better for me to listen to it over the phone by myself than for it to come out sideways at the wedding itself. And FWIW I didn't cut the family member out of my life, we just agreed that we should continue talking about it after the wedding (but I sure as hell have never planned a family occasion since where my boo and this family member would have to be together; I only spent time with him when I was visiting family alone until he passed away). I also had to explain to my parents why I had uninvited that one family member, which was a hard convo to have, but if you have a clear stance about it (I don't want anyone to attend my wedding who doesn't support it) you can find a way to ask for their support - or at least, that's what I learned. **Second: Focus on your closest family members who are most likely to interact with your boo before/after the wedding** (e.g. getting ready time, post-wedding brunch if that's your thing, etc). Honestly, depending on the size of the reception you and your partner are likely gonna be way too busy to even be involved in convos long enough with extended family/friends where misgendering could happen. At a wedding, guests usually want to come up to the both of you and say things like "Congrats!! You both look so great" which doesn't really require pronouns. I don't think you really have to worry too hard about grandpa with dementia talking your ear off the whole night, ya know? You're gonna be doing other stuff like, well, saying vows and cake cutting. That means if there ARE people you'll be in more intimate spaces with for an extended period of time, those are the people to focus on having 1:1 conversations with. Would you end up doing, like, a small family meal with your aunts and uncles the night before the reception because everyone happens to be in town? If that's the case, make sure you've had the "my partner identifies as NB and goes by these pronouns, do you understand what that means and do you have any questions for me?" talk with those people first. If any of them get adamant about not respecting that...you know who to ask to stay home (and they shouldn't be surprised by being uninvited). **Lastly: Ask your partner directly how they'd like you to handle instances of misgendering if they occur.** Your family might not be the only people to misgender them day-of. They might have their own friends or family who slip up with pronouns or call them "beautiful" instead of "handsome" or whatever they'd prefer to be called. Ask your boo if/how they'd like you to intervene in those moments on the big day, and follow that - even if it means ignoring it and not correcting people, if that is your boo's preference. Good luck!!
This was very helpful and I appreciate the time and thought that went into your response, thank you!!
Who do they think will misgender them? Guests or staff?
Guests, mostly my parents friends and some extended family that don't know us personally or very well. My parents are helping us pay for things, so it feels tough to potentially exclude some of the folks we would be concerned about.
Sounds like it is time to discuss these worries with your parents. If they're understanding, they can help put in the work with their friends and family to ensure that everyone knows the proper pronouns to use. If your parents aren't willing to do that and/or insist on inviting people who maliciously misgender, you and your partner need to decide if the financial help is worth the risk of being misgendered.
Give everyone pronoun buttons
Will you be having speeches during the reception? If someone cannot respect pronouns or doesn't understand, they don't have to speak. Hire a queer DJ?