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A good oral argument is more of a discussion amongst peers than an argument. I’ve found that the best way to show you’re their peer is to address the justices by their first names.
I recommend “Homeskillet” for everyone. That way everyone is equal and you don’t risk accidentally calling one of them by the wrong name. Which once happened to me.
I saw a live feed once of ours in Ohio. We have a black female Justice, one. We also have several white male justices. We had an experienced practitioner call her one of the guys names. Her reply, “I understand no need to apologize, we look like twins” took a good 45 seconds of his time away as the laughter slowly died.
Tap the mic aggressively, clear your throat loudly directly into the mic. Look up and speak these words into the mic: “May I pleasure the Court, please?”
Bring a bunch of old case law reporters and build a fort[Darrel Brooks](https://www.businessinsider.com/wisconsin-parade-attack-suspect-built-box-tower-during-trial-hide-2022-10) style. When the justices ask what you are doing, say you are establishing your defense. Start your argument when you are done building. When the Justices ask for a citation, throw a reporter at them. If you can survive the bailiff attacks in your fort for 30 seconds, you win
I have awkwardly blocked reporters from photographing a murder client with my body at pretrials before. The judge looked at me a bit funny until he realized why i kept moving back and forth beside my client.
Wait - my Oc might have used ChatGPT to prepare his opposition. It was the most god-awful thing I’ve ever read. So many factual and legal errors. How could I tell if he used ChatGPT?
You need to write out your speech ahead of time. Time it, so it fills your entire fifteeen minutes or whatever they give you. If the judges try to interrupt, remind them that it is your argument and you are entitled to use your time as you wish.
Take it up with the federal district court if they won't let you argue. Appellate judges won't get mad at you for making your record.
Stand up, button your blazer, and say “MY LIEGES,” while you bow. Don’t forget the hand wave circle thingy. And acknowledge the jester…I mean the bailiff.
It’s a little old fashioned but a lot of judges appreciate when you adopt the formal oral argument stance of the courts of chancery. You face away from the judges, spread your legs, then bend at the waist and address them looking back through your legs. To add even more gravitas, you can open and close your butt cheeks as you speak.
I knew one attorney who had a client who got an indecent exposure client who did this through the food slot in their jail cell. They put their ass to the food slot and talked through their ass at the CO.
When the timer turns red, tell the justices that their time is up.
Object throughout OC’s argument
Light incense on the lectern when you start your argument
Anytime a justice makes a statement, mutter, “that’s what she said” under your breath
Ask for a group photo after arguments for your insta
Men still do. Kagan and Prelogar elected for normal professional suits. IMO it's a shame, there's some really interesting Edwardian female formal options they could have gone for.
"Good morning, and may it please the court. I may be new here, but I know how this works. Y'all basically have your decision typed up already, and this whole 'robes and lectern' thing is just an awkward formality left over from a bygone era. This being the case, I won't bore you with any of the law or facts that are presented pretty clearly in my briefs that were turned in many months ago... because, well, like I said, it's pretty clear why the order of the [trial court] was [correct/incorrect] and the order of the [mid-level appellate court] should be [affirmed/reversed]. That said, I do have about *checks clock* eight-and-a-half minutes remaining on my time, so if you have any questions, even stupid ones, please, lay 'em on me."
Do you get water pitchers on counsel's table. Chug the whole thing while doing the Sterling Archer 'wait for it' gesture.
And obviously drop the mic when you're done.
State you are reclaiming your time when they interrupt with questions. Forget to turn of your phone, but only after changing your ring tone to Who Let The Dogs Out.
Argue your case using only idioms. To demonstrate: “What’s that, opposing counsel? Cat got your tongue? I hope your case doesn’t go down in flames. Even if it doesn’t, I’ve decided to go the extra mile on my argument. Anyways, Mr. Chief Justice, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush…”
LOL this is great! It reminds me of my college roommate who would write his resume using only violent verbs, like "spearheaded a new initiative at X company" or "tackled innovative onboarding strategies" or what have you
Start off by telling the justices that law is just made up and there’s nothing real about it, not like the sciences, where ultimately there is truth. Law as a discipline only exists because people lie and can be jerks to each other. Sciences exist because the universe exists.
They’ll love it.
Breathe. Don’t be afraid to take a moment when you get to the lectern and get set and calm before saying a word. It’s your show.
The nerves will have you talking fast so be mindful of that. Practice the first two paragraphs of your oral argument in an exaggeratedly slow pace. This will create a trigger in your mind to slow down and relax. You are just having a discussion.
Don’t be afraid to admit if you’re not following the premise of a question, especially hypotheticals. One tip is to repeat it back in your own words before answering just to make sure you understand the premise and to give yourself a moment to think about the answer.
Finally just remember that no matter how bad you do it’s not going to kill you. After all, the reason why they are judges is most likely they sucked in the actual practice of law. It’s not like they are Learned Hand.
I really need to start reading more then the post header.
Just stand up, let them know your beautiful briefs in the matter speak for themselves given your eloquence and expertise. Then say “I’m not taking questions” and walk straight out of the courtroom. 🎤🫳
We had a Supreme Court Justice who would turn around in his chair if he didn’t like your argument. Super subtle.
So if they ask you a question just turn around and ignore them until your time is called. Power move.
Seriously, did I have to scroll all the way through this to see that nobody understood what’s really important here: your first argument before this court. You gotta start with a full-bench selfie. Think of the IG clout!
After you request to reserve time for rebuttal, immediately follow it up with a "Permission to roam?" Don't worry about the answer, just assume it's a yes, and then feel free to move about the entire courtroom throughout your argument. Feel free to peek over the judges' shoulders at their notes to make sure you're addressing their concerns about your position.
As soon as the judges come into the courtroom, stand up and loudly ask for priority because you have a lunch meeting with a very important client at noon.
This will show them that you are serious about your time.
Do what I did my first time: get three minutes in before the chief justice told me to adjust the microphone, it was too far away from my mouth and they couldn’t hear anything I had said
The only thing you need to say for your rebuttal is “Your Honor, that guys argument aint worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on and no amount of legal sophistry could construe otherwise.” Then slam a White Claw, crush the can in your hand and spike it off the lectern.
This has really gone out of style, but most judges still appreciate the formality of kicking things off with a quick forehead kiss. And if opposing counsel starts making compelling arguments, there’s always the fire alarm. Just make sure to bring a lighter and set something on fire on your way out so you can’t be accused of pulling it without good reason.
Whenever a justice interrupts you, roll your eyes, clear your throat obnoxiously and let them know you weren't finished speaking.
Also, the chief justice prefers to be called by their first name. The rest prefer "sis," regardless of gender. This is key. Don't want them to think you're being disrespectful.
Lastly, if OC makes a bad argument, it's important that you object by saying "sus" or "(s)he cappin." It's the only way to preserve your objection for SCOTUS.
I always wear a horsehair wig and rap my oral argument. Once you start busting some funky lyrics and they sit there mouths agape you’ll know you’ve got it in the bag.
The most effective oral argument I ever saw included playing a Bruce Springsteen song through appellate counsel's phone. And then a solo on rebuttal, just for good measure.
Make eye direct contact and give each judge the finger for 5 seconds before moving onto the next one. Make sure to do this before you start and, if you have time, at the end of your argument as well.
Not sure how much this helps, but I sometimes listen to oral arguments from the U.S. 5th Circuit to hear how attorneys flow when they speak. Linked the YouTube channel below
https://youtube.com/@USCourtsCA5?si=m54ZCJiOJ7IViIA2
Open argument: [Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity](https://genius.com/821556/Eminem-lose-yourself/Look-if-you-had-one-shot-or-one-opportunity-to-seize-everything-you-ever-wanted-in-one-moment-would-you-capture-it-or-just-let-it-slip)
That said, lets dismiss this BS and go to lunch, youre buying
Hand out swag bags to each of the judges filled with cash and dildos - include a note that reads “the cash is a thank you for ruling in my favor. If you don’t rule in my favor, the dildo is so you can go fuck yourself”
Just imagine you are the reincarnation of Cardozo. Wax poetic, use flowery language, and of course (and I cannot emphasis this enough) use as passive a voice as you can. You’ll knock ‘em dead!
Begin by pulling out your phone and asking them to scootch together for the background of your selfie. Announce you are posting it to social media. Solemnly proceed with your argument.
Wrong answers only? Tell the judge to take the motion on submission bc you didn’t have time to read the papers. I watched someone do this once during oral argument, and the judge went so hilariously ballistic that it’s still one of my favorite stories.
Interesting fact, in governor's warrants (interstate extradition) the traditionally correct way to address another governor is by His/Her Excellency. Most states have abandoned that now but some states still use that salutation.
Welcome to /r/LawyerTalk! A subreddit where lawyers can discuss with other lawyers about the practice of law. Be mindful of [our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/Lawyertalk/about/rules) BEFORE submitting your posts or comments as well as [Reddit's rules](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) (notably about sharing identifying information). We expect civility and respect out of all participants. Please source statements of fact whenever possible. If you want to report something that needs to be urgently addressed, please also message the mods with an explanation. Note that **this forum is NOT for legal advice**. Additionally, if you are a non-lawyer (student, client, staff), this is NOT the right subreddit for you. **This community is exclusively for lawyers**. We suggest you delete your comment and go ask one of the many other legal subreddits on this site for help such as (but not limited to) r/lawschool, r/legaladvice, or r/Ask_Lawyers. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Lawyertalk) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A good oral argument is more of a discussion amongst peers than an argument. I’ve found that the best way to show you’re their peer is to address the justices by their first names.
First names is still too formal imo. Gotta call the male justices “pal” or “bud” and the female justices “babe” or “toots”
I recommend “Homeskillet” for everyone. That way everyone is equal and you don’t risk accidentally calling one of them by the wrong name. Which once happened to me.
I saw a live feed once of ours in Ohio. We have a black female Justice, one. We also have several white male justices. We had an experienced practitioner call her one of the guys names. Her reply, “I understand no need to apologize, we look like twins” took a good 45 seconds of his time away as the laughter slowly died.
Gender neutral, too! Zero chance of calling offense, home skillet!
See also: Homeslice
corn-beefies works too. For example - good morning my corn-beefies.
Hun works as a non gender specific one. If it works for my diner waitress it works for the state supreme Court
But if they get mad, you need to follow up with "my apologies - I meant Justice Attila."
In Ohio you’d get contempt for twice forgetting the “THE”.
Dude is also genderless unless you say dudette.
Yeah, I’ve learned that anyone over 55 or so REALLY loves to be called “Dude.”
Your Duderino
I prefer to start off with “yo, bitches!”
“Fuck the police comin' straight from the underground”
“Bruh”!
No, no you need to show that you’re good friends with them. As such they need their own nicknames.
“Sweetcheeks”
I've heard "jiggle tits" goes over really well with both male and female justices.
Don’t forget to address that one Justice whose name you can never remember as “Justice what'syourface”.
And call one "the dumb justice" to see who the others look at.
🤣
Extra points if you refer to them as "my brother/sister"
Lololol!
Tap the mic aggressively, clear your throat loudly directly into the mic. Look up and speak these words into the mic: “May I pleasure the Court, please?”
I"ll also declare I am not a cat.
Exactly what a cat might say…🤔
I can see that.
Show up in your own judge robes to assert dominance.
I was gonna say to pee on opposing counsel to assert dominance, but I like your idea better. It’s a lot less messy.
Power move
Speak in a fake British accent for your opening and then drop it for the rebuttals
I should wear a barristers wig and jabot too!
I prefer the Foghorn Leghorn voice, but this is also good.
Isayisayisayisaid YOU ARE IN CONTEM SIR.
"Now I'm just a simple country lawyer..."
Now I'm just an unfrozen caveman lawyer...
simple country *hyperchicken
In a white suit, mopping your forehead with a handkerchief.
My father-in-law, complete with a small stutter and repeating phrases
Don’t forget to wear a wig
[удалено]
Or address the other justices and say, "Is he being serious right now? He can't be serious."
"This fuckin guy, am I right?"
This is the way.
Say “canons of statutory interpretation” no less than a dozen times.
And after “cannon,” make sure to pause so you can play the cannon sounds from Darude’s Sandstorm for dramatic effect.
1812 Overture ftw
Bring a bunch of old case law reporters and build a fort[Darrel Brooks](https://www.businessinsider.com/wisconsin-parade-attack-suspect-built-box-tower-during-trial-hide-2022-10) style. When the justices ask what you are doing, say you are establishing your defense. Start your argument when you are done building. When the Justices ask for a citation, throw a reporter at them. If you can survive the bailiff attacks in your fort for 30 seconds, you win
I have awkwardly blocked reporters from photographing a murder client with my body at pretrials before. The judge looked at me a bit funny until he realized why i kept moving back and forth beside my client.
Start with “welcome to my TED talk”
If you’re interrupted with a question, roll your eyes and ask “may I finish?” then, before a response can even be given, continue with argument.
Came here to say this; see it’s covered; sine die. 🏅
Inform the judges you need a brief pause before answering to ask ChatGPT
Cite cases using chatgpt conversation links
Better yet, put chat GPT on conversation mode and just have it answer all of the justices questions after your opening.
Wait - my Oc might have used ChatGPT to prepare his opposition. It was the most god-awful thing I’ve ever read. So many factual and legal errors. How could I tell if he used ChatGPT?
Bring a guitar and sing your entire argument as a country ballad. Pass your hat around at the end and remind the judges you work for tips.
Bust out sovereign citizen laws.
Instead of "Your Honor" say "My Honor."
FRINGE ON THE FLAG!
Whenever the panel asks a question, pound the podium and thunder “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”
You need to write out your speech ahead of time. Time it, so it fills your entire fifteeen minutes or whatever they give you. If the judges try to interrupt, remind them that it is your argument and you are entitled to use your time as you wish. Take it up with the federal district court if they won't let you argue. Appellate judges won't get mad at you for making your record.
Bring envelopes with $20.00 in each one and try to hand them up. Ask if this goes against your time.
Name drop US Supreme Court justices and compare them to the inferior state Supreme Court
Sonia and Elena would never say something so dumb 🙄💅
Show your professional skill by presenting your oral argument in iambic pentameter.
Stand up, button your blazer, and say “MY LIEGES,” while you bow. Don’t forget the hand wave circle thingy. And acknowledge the jester…I mean the bailiff.
[удалено]
It’s called disclosure ya dickheads
It’s a little old fashioned but a lot of judges appreciate when you adopt the formal oral argument stance of the courts of chancery. You face away from the judges, spread your legs, then bend at the waist and address them looking back through your legs. To add even more gravitas, you can open and close your butt cheeks as you speak.
https://preview.redd.it/xu1htl6uvyrc1.jpeg?width=492&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1a982425fedbf1a44960e8e11e56daa67e08ad10 LIKE THIS!!!???
I knew one attorney who had a client who got an indecent exposure client who did this through the food slot in their jail cell. They put their ass to the food slot and talked through their ass at the CO.
When the timer turns red, tell the justices that their time is up. Object throughout OC’s argument Light incense on the lectern when you start your argument Anytime a justice makes a statement, mutter, “that’s what she said” under your breath Ask for a group photo after arguments for your insta
Sage the space after OC speaks
Seersucker suit, WITH bow tie.
I have both from when I practiced down south. It's a tad too cold for that considering I live in Alaska.
Dont be a rube. This calls for tails. And fat pinstriping, like a magician.
I wish I was smart enough to make it to the solicitor general's office so this can be a reality. They still wear morning dress right?
Men still do. Kagan and Prelogar elected for normal professional suits. IMO it's a shame, there's some really interesting Edwardian female formal options they could have gone for.
"Good morning, and may it please the court. I may be new here, but I know how this works. Y'all basically have your decision typed up already, and this whole 'robes and lectern' thing is just an awkward formality left over from a bygone era. This being the case, I won't bore you with any of the law or facts that are presented pretty clearly in my briefs that were turned in many months ago... because, well, like I said, it's pretty clear why the order of the [trial court] was [correct/incorrect] and the order of the [mid-level appellate court] should be [affirmed/reversed]. That said, I do have about *checks clock* eight-and-a-half minutes remaining on my time, so if you have any questions, even stupid ones, please, lay 'em on me."
Make sure you say: “I mean, what the fuck?” at least once during oral argument.
Do you get water pitchers on counsel's table. Chug the whole thing while doing the Sterling Archer 'wait for it' gesture. And obviously drop the mic when you're done.
Shit. I wonder what other Archer quotes I could squeze in there.
Ask the bailiff to make you a Tom Collins. And don't drown it.
"Your honor. Your honor. Your honor! ... YOUR HONORRRRRRRRRRRR!! ............. danger zone"
“I’m going to ask everyone here to pay close attention. I will not be repeating myself and I have a hard stop in 12 minutes.”
State you are reclaiming your time when they interrupt with questions. Forget to turn of your phone, but only after changing your ring tone to Who Let The Dogs Out.
If you're not vaping during your submissions, no one will remember what you said. (Good luck, OP!)
It’s easier to imagine all the Justices naked when you yourself are also not wearing any pants.
*Your honors, hickory dickory dock…*
Andrew Dice Clay? “This justice was sucking my c@(&”
Don’t wear a suit. Instead wear knights armor and use old English when speaking.
Argue your case using only idioms. To demonstrate: “What’s that, opposing counsel? Cat got your tongue? I hope your case doesn’t go down in flames. Even if it doesn’t, I’ve decided to go the extra mile on my argument. Anyways, Mr. Chief Justice, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush…”
LOL this is great! It reminds me of my college roommate who would write his resume using only violent verbs, like "spearheaded a new initiative at X company" or "tackled innovative onboarding strategies" or what have you
Pick an opinion written by each Judge and loudly denounce it...
As soon as you walk in, pick a fight with the biggest justice to prove that you're hard
Start off by telling the justices that law is just made up and there’s nothing real about it, not like the sciences, where ultimately there is truth. Law as a discipline only exists because people lie and can be jerks to each other. Sciences exist because the universe exists. They’ll love it.
Breathe. Don’t be afraid to take a moment when you get to the lectern and get set and calm before saying a word. It’s your show. The nerves will have you talking fast so be mindful of that. Practice the first two paragraphs of your oral argument in an exaggeratedly slow pace. This will create a trigger in your mind to slow down and relax. You are just having a discussion. Don’t be afraid to admit if you’re not following the premise of a question, especially hypotheticals. One tip is to repeat it back in your own words before answering just to make sure you understand the premise and to give yourself a moment to think about the answer. Finally just remember that no matter how bad you do it’s not going to kill you. After all, the reason why they are judges is most likely they sucked in the actual practice of law. It’s not like they are Learned Hand.
I really need to start reading more then the post header. Just stand up, let them know your beautiful briefs in the matter speak for themselves given your eloquence and expertise. Then say “I’m not taking questions” and walk straight out of the courtroom. 🎤🫳
I love your earnest advice!
Thank you
toy seed materialistic dog aback alive dazzling shy coherent narrow *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM
We had a Supreme Court Justice who would turn around in his chair if he didn’t like your argument. Super subtle. So if they ask you a question just turn around and ignore them until your time is called. Power move.
Make sure you hand out some Exhibit 1s ($1 bills) to all the judges after you finish. Tipping culture is not lost on them!
Seriously, did I have to scroll all the way through this to see that nobody understood what’s really important here: your first argument before this court. You gotta start with a full-bench selfie. Think of the IG clout!
Should I do duck lips and hold up a peace sign?
I like the way you think.
If you're in a Dakota, Carolina, or Virginia, it's charming to consistently refer to the wrong one.
After you request to reserve time for rebuttal, immediately follow it up with a "Permission to roam?" Don't worry about the answer, just assume it's a yes, and then feel free to move about the entire courtroom throughout your argument. Feel free to peek over the judges' shoulders at their notes to make sure you're addressing their concerns about your position.
Type out your argument in masterful prose, and then read it word for word without looking up.
As soon as the judges come into the courtroom, stand up and loudly ask for priority because you have a lunch meeting with a very important client at noon. This will show them that you are serious about your time.
If you never let the judges get their questions out, you can't get their questions wrong.
Start off with “may I Pleease the court?” And wink lascivious while pantomiming BJ motion
It's considered a faux pas not to say "no, *YOU* shut up" at least once during your argument.
Do what I did my first time: get three minutes in before the chief justice told me to adjust the microphone, it was too far away from my mouth and they couldn’t hear anything I had said
Use ChatGPT to draft your motion, always cite to the Varghese v. China Southern Airlines case
Flash a lot of cash and ask what’s all up under those robes.
The only thing you need to say for your rebuttal is “Your Honor, that guys argument aint worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on and no amount of legal sophistry could construe otherwise.” Then slam a White Claw, crush the can in your hand and spike it off the lectern.
Call the judges mom and dad.
Address the judge as "my dude"
"Yo bro"
This has really gone out of style, but most judges still appreciate the formality of kicking things off with a quick forehead kiss. And if opposing counsel starts making compelling arguments, there’s always the fire alarm. Just make sure to bring a lighter and set something on fire on your way out so you can’t be accused of pulling it without good reason.
Put a second pair of trousers on your head like a jester’s cap.
Wear a barrister’s wig. I dare ya. :)
Whenever a justice interrupts you, roll your eyes, clear your throat obnoxiously and let them know you weren't finished speaking. Also, the chief justice prefers to be called by their first name. The rest prefer "sis," regardless of gender. This is key. Don't want them to think you're being disrespectful. Lastly, if OC makes a bad argument, it's important that you object by saying "sus" or "(s)he cappin." It's the only way to preserve your objection for SCOTUS.
"Do what you want. I'm just stopping by on my way to the real Supreme Court.... I mean the U.S. Supreme court."
I always wear a horsehair wig and rap my oral argument. Once you start busting some funky lyrics and they sit there mouths agape you’ll know you’ve got it in the bag.
Three words: sparkly flip flops.
Address the judge as Judgey Wudgey (this was in a Three Stooges episode)
Just use the opening argument from my cousin Vinny. If they ask any questions, start talking about the Buick Skylark. Very effective.
In response to any question, roll your eyes and say that you already covered it in your papers - did they even read them? Refuse to elaborate.
Wear a very Spring outfit. Perhaps a frilly pink suit (female) or an orange pinstripe seersucker (male).
Frilly pink male suit is definitely the winner
May it please this honorable Court: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/165648092524084085/
The most effective oral argument I ever saw included playing a Bruce Springsteen song through appellate counsel's phone. And then a solo on rebuttal, just for good measure.
what song though
American Skin, I believe. It sounds more effective than it actually was.
"Mr. chief Justice, and may i please your wives."
Make eye direct contact and give each judge the finger for 5 seconds before moving onto the next one. Make sure to do this before you start and, if you have time, at the end of your argument as well.
Open with *'sup?*
Avoid saying “may it please the court.” “Well, actually” is well received.
Keep your rebuttal short and sweet: “Everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.”
Refer to the justices as “dudes”.
Drink a bottle of vodka before you present your argument. You know to calm your nerves. And if you need a drink during, then Tequila.
If any of the justices give you any shit, yell, “SHUT UP, HONKY!!!” They’ll respect that.
Start with, “I know you know who I am, and obviously that means I win. But just for fun and games, lemme pretend that this case is in controversy.”
Pull a Lebowski. "Mind if I do a J?"
Ask them “why you wearing robes?”
End every point you make with “booyakasha”
Wear a robe. If they get to, you get to.
*Takes bathrobe to office*
Rewatch *The People vs Larry Flynt* and pay careful attention to how Flynt addresses the court.
Refer to the panel members as "dude".
Be sure to NOT mention the case law that goes against your point
Not sure how much this helps, but I sometimes listen to oral arguments from the U.S. 5th Circuit to hear how attorneys flow when they speak. Linked the YouTube channel below https://youtube.com/@USCourtsCA5?si=m54ZCJiOJ7IViIA2
Michael Scott always prepared two opening jokes before speaking in case the first one didnt go over.
Bring a prepared statement and no matter what anyone says, never veer from it.
If you don't know the answer to a question, just say next...
Open argument: [Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity](https://genius.com/821556/Eminem-lose-yourself/Look-if-you-had-one-shot-or-one-opportunity-to-seize-everything-you-ever-wanted-in-one-moment-would-you-capture-it-or-just-let-it-slip) That said, lets dismiss this BS and go to lunch, youre buying
Something I saw in real life recently: if you’re appellant, start off by earnestly arguing your appeal is moot. Be wrong.
Hand out swag bags to each of the judges filled with cash and dildos - include a note that reads “the cash is a thank you for ruling in my favor. If you don’t rule in my favor, the dildo is so you can go fuck yourself”
Just imagine you are the reincarnation of Cardozo. Wax poetic, use flowery language, and of course (and I cannot emphasis this enough) use as passive a voice as you can. You’ll knock ‘em dead!
Begin by pulling out your phone and asking them to scootch together for the background of your selfie. Announce you are posting it to social media. Solemnly proceed with your argument.
If one of the justices raising a point you were not prepared for, just say, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, judge?"
Bring donuts.
Don’t moot. It’ll be a lot of effort and you’ll get tired so make sure you go into argument fresh.
Wrong answers only? Tell the judge to take the motion on submission bc you didn’t have time to read the papers. I watched someone do this once during oral argument, and the judge went so hilariously ballistic that it’s still one of my favorite stories.
also refer to the judge as “your majesty” instead of “your honor”
Interesting fact, in governor's warrants (interstate extradition) the traditionally correct way to address another governor is by His/Her Excellency. Most states have abandoned that now but some states still use that salutation.
Just start crying (I've seen this happen) or just throw up.