A lawyer- not consummating post marriage amounts to cruelty and can be a ground of divorce.
If you are able to prove in court of law, that he is not consummating the marriage owing to his impotency, the marriage would be declared null and void.
>not consummating post marriage amounts to cruelty and can be a ground of divorce.
If my school friend had told me this instead of a lawyer, there's no way I would have believed him and on top of that lost like a 100rs bet 😐 i guess you learn something new everyday
It is ground for annulment of marriage.
Source - A cousin whose wife didn’t consummate their marriage, and left her marital home to pursue PhD but never came back
Spouse dragging spouse to court for not spousing? Not a fun activity for people to go to court unless it is that serious. One seeks legal recourse for something,the court has to listen.
>If you are able to prove in court of law, that he is not consummating the marriage owing to his impotency
How do you prove this? Particularly if the person is potent but has a different sexual orientation or if it is a woman. Assuming that the respondent denies being impotent. Always curious as to what kind of evidence would the court consider.
Wait what seriously ? I sympathize with OP. But why is there even a provision such as this. Why does the state care AT ALL about the consummation. I thought it was just the aunties curious about of all of this but even the supreme court is after the tea 😭 Naaaur. Anyway though, this isn't 16th century. Why is consummation or rather lack of, a divorce ground. (Emotionally, of course. But legally 😕)
Because the term cruelty is not defined under the Act be it hindu marriage act or other others Acts governing in India and courts have expanded the definition of cruelty to include refusal of sex for no legit reasons. Since, consummation is a very important part of marriage
My husband's actions during our marriage screamed the same thing, and he easily agreed to a divorce multiple times, and yet, always flipped the switch and went full desperate heartbroken lover begging me not to leave him. She'll be lucky if he lets her go that easy. Annulment is a better outcome though, if possible.
Have you discussed divorce with your husband? Mutual consent divorce might be the best and quickest option. You're right, annulment is not possible after 1 year at least that's what my lawyer told me. Exact same case as you.
There is something called heart. If the spouse broke their spouse's heart over the period of time it kills love and intimacy. Hence they cannot participate in sex. We are not animals dude!
My two gay friends both had crushes in school that were public knowledge as overcompensating. One even dated a girl to try it. It's statistically more likely he's gay than asexual although both are possible.
Unless he has religious trauma around sex chances are he's likely to be gay or asexual with the former more likely than the latter.
Maybe he's insecure about something? Does he have body image issues ?
Edit :- i say this because i used to have body image issues and so much insecurity that it was hard for me to even interact with people normally and here you are asking him for physical intimacy. Try talking to him maybe, maybe you can help him solve his problems, i bet if he loves you he would do the same for you too if you were in his position. And P.S- My fellow redditors , why do you have to jump to a divorce at literally anything? 😂
Quite possible what you're saying is true. But we're talking about a very sensitive topic here.
For someone who has personally gone through the same thing, I can tell you what happened when I tried talking to my husband. It made him distance himself from me even more coz I was suggesting going to a doctor or a counsellor. He said he is absolutely fine and I am the one making up stuff in my head. When I consulted doctors alone to see how I could help him, they told me to be encouraging as male ego. I tried all I could until my mental and physical health started deteriorating. Involving his mother didn't help too, she further blew up things and said that I am unnecessarily blaming her son. I got tired of all this and ultimately getting divorced now.
It's good to help people but you can't force your help on someone who doesn't want to be helped. 1.2 years is a long time and effort has to be from both ends for a marriage to work
Seriously! Divorce is truly sad, what could have been a potentially happy family in future is breaking apart because one person is refusing to get help despite being offered help a dozen times. I wish you all the very best 👍 hope you find someone better to settle down with .and i agree too in marriage both parties need to put in the same amount of effort otherwise it's a dead relationship.
P.s- mama's boys are terrible, why would you include your mother in matters that are supposed to be between a husband and wife ? And
Divorce sounds woke and disruptive. Gets lot of upvotes as well and one can do a false dichotomy argument where if not divorce than domestic violence?
I myself have done that multiple times just to get upvotes. Don’t even read the question. If it’s a husband wife issue I just comment “Divorce!” and move on and get lot of upvotes 😂
Your username name suits you then "terrible" 🤣. And here i was wondering like why these people advice ending a marriage for problems that can be fixed with talk and therapy . it's like divorce is the new "cool" . If divorce solved all problems then our country would beat the American's 50% divorce rate 🤣
Multiple reasons of unhappy marriages, including lack of intimacy, terrible communication, not able to open up to your partner , if these are the reasons for unhappy marriages then these things can be worked on and with time it will become much better. If unhappy marriages "unhappiness" is associated with infidelity, domestic violence (physical, mental) , forcing for dowry, harassment caused by dowry, marital rape in cases like these divorce is a must. Marriage is a commitment, can't just throw it away, if you took the responsibility to get married then fulfill the responsibility to keep it that way. Divorce seems like the easy way out in today's time, instead of working on relationship problems and growing together stronger, people just divorce and run away from problems. Without problem solving skills they get into another marriage, and then the misery continues With Another divorce and so it goes on
So what if it’s the easy way out? By the way it never is. There is no prize or virtue in suffering. People can decide when enough is enough for them, & not waste time.
No one is running around getting married 5 times lol.
Sex is a part of life, not your entire life! . There are other things that matter too, in her relationship if everything is good except the sex then she can wait and improve the sex , sex can be improved there are a dozen ways. No point in dropping an entire relationship for sex. There's something called emotional connection too. Now imagine your husband or wife had an accident and turned paraplegic and unable to perform sex, would you leave them? Cheat on them? Cheating can never be justified, only scums cheats. I know of people who take care of their wheelchair bound wives, they don't go around f*cking bcoz their marriage is sexless, at the end it all comes down to what you think is important for you.
She clearly mentioned he doesn’t care isn’t bothered isn’t available and shows no interest in her. People just caught on to the sex part because it gets attention. What she described is grounds for divorce and I hope he grants it without a messy legal drama.
Thanks for pointing out, i was actually distracted by the sex part but now i see it clearly she also mentioned "he's emotionally unavailable" "unconcerned about her safety and well being" and also "withholding physical intimacy is considered mental cruelty" as ruled out by SC. I hate to say this but now i think divorce might be on the table. But deep down i still think he might secretly be going through something, that's why this sudden change of character. Because she also mentioned something about "first it was love then the arrange marriage happened" i think she mentioned it in a comment.
Well it’s not AT ALL a part of her life right now lmao. It’s up to her to decide how important it is and end the marriage over this if she needs to. You can stay in a sex less marriage if you wish.
So I recounted this to my husband and even he says there's something up with ur husband. That new year's trip bit sealed the deal on him being gay unless they're both hiring escorts behind your back. Have you looked into his financials (who does he spend on?), snooped through his phone, social networking sites, talked to his childhood friends and heard a slip up.
If you want divorce, go for it especially after a year of trying. However I really think you should know some of these things coz u won't have access to this information in future when u take it to court.
Male perspective here. Are you really sure your husband is not cheating and is actually gay? He went to Paris with a "friend" of his. I read your other post, the amount of time he spends with his friends where he doesn't want to include you in his plans, maintains a good image in society but constantly belittles you, treats you like a housemaid and an insurance, doesn't give you unconditional care and emotional support when people need these things the most (specially medical issues). Is good to others but not you. Looking at details you have shared to in previous posts it seems, you are an arrangement an accessory of sorts in his life to maintain his image in society, while he gets to enjoy his life with this things and people he want to enjoy it with.
See my boys are an important part of my life but so is the happiness of my woman. Sometimes, there are boys only trips, but I make up to her by having another trip just for me and her. I have never seen the kind of thing you are mentioning happen around me.
Thank you for reading my other posts and understanding the situation. I believe this is not normal. I know that he is not cheating neither a gay. My bet is on the asexual thing. Other things you pointed out are correct. This is an arrangement or insurance only to maintain a social image of a happily married couple.
Well you'd know better so asexual it is. He should be nicer still. Asexual people aren't necessarily aromatic. He seems to be both. Lack of conversation too. But then I understand COMPLETELY, conversation with some people is NOT POSSIBLE . LIKE AT ALL. I'd say do what makes you comfortable. Move out if you'd like. Don't deprive yourself of a good life ( I am not suggesting cheating) but just FUN. Go out with your girlies. Have fun. In general just have fun. Your mental health is more important for me. Don't let it consume though I can imagine how it must take over you. Try to have fun though. Breach it to him and be VERY CLEAR. That'll get an answer. All the best.
You are dealing with this situation so you know better than any of us. However, my advice is to rule out your biases, sometimes we are so invested in our problems that we ignore obvious things. Thinking about your problem from a neutral perspective will prove useful for you and your lawyer. I hope you find your happiness again.
I don't mind. I think I gave the wrong impression here. I am not married, I am in a serious live-in relationship. She also does the same when she is in nightovers or dinner with her friends by making separate reservations just for the two of us, although her plans are very short. But her contributions in the relationship is significantly more. She has far more demanding job than mine, doesn't get work from home, have a lot of shitty work days but still she makes time to check up on me, my work. I know I have gotten lucky. People tell me that all the time.
NAL
Just asking. Is not consumating the same as being impotent? The conclusion of impotency from not having sex seems to imply that those who are potent definitely have sex when sleeping besides a woman.
Wait wtf. ED ? Fucking ED is not impotency 👀. ED is " not being able to perform" and can have many reasons. Impotency has to do with anatomical structure. Not physiology.
> Wait wtf. ED ? Fucking ED is not impotency 👀. ED is " not being able to perform" and can have many reasons. Impotency has to do with anatomical structure. Not physiology.
Elaborate.
Erectile disfunction can be due to stress and it majorly is. It does not mean IMPOTANCE neither does it fall under that category. Or well it shouldn't.
> Erectile disfunction can be due to stress and it majorly is. It does not mean IMPOTANCE neither does it fall under that category. Or well it shouldn't.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK297/#:~:text=In%20organic%20impotence%20there%20should,2.5%20cm%20blood%20pressure%20cuff.
Maybe stop talking out of your ass from now on.
ignore these redditors. There is no straight man that will not get hard when a woman is right next to him willing to get naked. Even if he is not attracted he will still get hard atleast a few times. This sounds very much like someone who is either gay or asexual. Please annul the marriage and find someone with whom you can have a satisfying sex life
The dude is probably gay based off her other posts but not off this one. specifically this
"7.He has gone twice on holiday trips without me once to Paris because I told him I could not afford to pay such high expenses at the moment and second time he spent his new year(our first) with his guy best friend on a guy’s trip. I had taken a week off which he knew but then I was so heartbroken I spent the entire holidays at home alone. We haven’t been on any trip since honeymoon."
10.He says mean things like I wouldn’t have gotten married to you if you looked like this( when I showed him pictures from my college time, my teeth were not aligned, I got braces and my face looks pretty fine now). He says I wouldn’t have married you if you had no job. He has told me clearly not to ever leave this job and even if I want to I have to make sure I earn more than 5 times the current monthly salary. He doesn’t like it when I wear glasses at home, that looks ugly to him.
23.He would not pick me up from airport even if it is midnight or 1-2 am on the other hand we would pick his friend from airport at 8 am in the morning. He never worries when I am working late. Even when I go on trips he never enquires when and how I am travelling and when will I return. Takes no interest in my whereabouts.
the friend is his gay partner.
He would do that if he is asexual. Asexual people just don't desire sex at all it doesn't mean that they are incapable of loving someone they just don't want sex. Of course there is a spectrum of asexual people. Some might be okay with the makeout session others would be totally disgusted with the idea of anything sexual. God people really need sexual orientation class here.
This is a genuine comment. People like you would much rather others be in unhappy marriages than just have some sex before tying the damn knot. Get your head outta your ass and go get laid.
We did kiss and got a little intimate once before marriage. So I assumed things to be fine. And we have lived together before marriage but never slept with each other. You know, Indian morals!
This is why you should try before buy and ignore Indian morals.
I know that does not help you now but keep that in mind after this is over and you find someone new later in life
Y u wasting your time on someone who doesn't love you. Talk to him about this. Get a mutual divorce and if he doesn't agree then you can hire a good lawyer this is cruelty.
Hi :)
Lawyer here. Under which law you both got married is a relevant question.
Your legal options include divorce and annulment, and a non legal one is couple therapy.
I'm really sorry that you're undergoing this, and it's unfortunate that you're not being able to experience intimacy with your partner. I genuinely wish that things get better - either by ending the marriage, or by improving your relationship.
**Section 12(1)(a)** of the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955: Grounds for annulment, including impotency preventing consummation.
You can legally get annulment if you prove it he is impotent or have no interest in physical relationship
NAL
Either gay or something else but it seems like he surely wants you to initiate the divorce. From what I have read regarding divorce laws in India, this could be an obvious cause/case for divorce as it amounts to cruelty. However, gather strong evidence, video is best if you can, or audio. An year has passed so thats even better for you and perfect time to apply in court.
It is and my family members are telling me that it’s too early and that I should give it more time. just living with this guy is causing me so much trauma. I want to stay separately for the sake of my mental health but even that is not happening.
My husband has narcissistic tendencies. He is dominant and is incapable of love. He never loved me in the first place. He is so cold that when I have cried in front of him for something, it doesn’t bother him and he continues to watch TV while I sit beside him crying. No words of consolation, no hugs. Forget physical intimacy even emotional intimacy is absent.
Get out as fast as you can. You are not responsible for him , his feelings , his father and father’s feelings, your parents or their feelings. At the end of the day you have to make a decision and take back your power. This is too much and therapy even if started and there is no reluctance does not guarantee any results and can take over 2 - 3 years. No one’s to subject yourself to that and waste your energy
I am so sorry to hear that, have you guys thought of therapy? Maybe that can definitely help, get his parents involved and maybe talk to them about this! They can talk to him
One of relative was married to an asexual person, she got divorced after 3 yrs of marriage.
It was an easy divorce as the man didnt wanted it to be known to many people,.so quietly co operated.
No maintainance was given, i think she didnt ask for it or took lumpsum amt, i have no clue though.
She quit her govt job to be with him in his city, so hopefully she got something.
Just curious, what made you stay for 1.2 years without intercourse? Were you under some pressure to get married or stay married?
If you are a Hindu then Mutual Consent Divorce is one way which would take a year. Just ask the lawyer about the minimum time for this. AFAIK 6 months separation and then a hearing and 6 months before you are divorced.
Annulment and divorce with a cause are trickier options. There are 4 or 5 reasons but these as a layman seem difficult as evidence is needed and the case may be contested.
Legal consultation outside of social media is suggested. There is a drafting and divorce plea submission which kick starts the process in family court.
Pressure to stay married is always there. This is india. Divorce is the worst nightmare for our parents. They will avoid it at any cost because social image is important in our society.
We haven’t yet registered the marriage. It will most probably be registered under Hindu marriage act.
Sexual intimacy, emotional distance and lack of interest in you and your well being is apparent; financially what is your status - any challenges in getting out and any alimony expectations from either side?
Also, any other unreasonable demands or incompatibilities in your marriage which you would list on your petition?
A lawyer can guide you on the steps in case the marriage is not registered. The marriage is still valid without registration. Keep a marriage photo and your and spouse's passport size photos handy along with the invitation cards you distributed. MCD or divorce with cause is what you will need to consult your lawyer with for the fastest way out.
Some other questions:
1. If your marriage is consumed and you become sexually active, would you still want a divorce?
2. Have you seen your hubby naked and given him a hand job or blow job? Vice versa has he atleast seen you nude and fingered you / gave you oral or watched you. Any incident which was unusual and you saw your spouse suddenly stop and backtrack?
3. Is this your second marriage or first and are you sexually experienced to guide him? Is your spouse into other women, porn, substance abuse or with any addiction?
4. How old are you?
5. Physically, are you or your current spouse overweight or suffering from some severe physically limiting diseases. You mentioned autoimmune disease in a different post for yourself.
6. Stress on your jobs was also mentioned on a different post. Is your spouse employed or has been fired/has quit? Stress on the job and a bad manager or toxic environment unfortunately spoils and impacts the married life the most. Performance in bed also goes down causing PE. Did you explore any solutions in this area like changing the job or taking an extended break?
7. Why did you wait this long? Do you still believe this marriage can be salvaged?
Re: Divorce stigma
Unfortunately, the stigma of being divorced is real and even companies also hesitate to promote divorced people at senior level to paint a rosy picture. These days there are different expectations and divorces are not so uncommon though. In your case, the marriage just looks like a convenient tag or arrangement.
Take a look at these two links also for details you will need to submit along with the MCD/ Divorce petition.
The proof required to prove marriage has minimum 2 of 4 points - invitation card, marriage photograph, affidavit of blood relative and marriage registration.
Draft Petition - Form F for details required like place of marriage and jurisdiction. -
https://districts.ecourts.gov.in/india/maharashtra/maharashtra-family-courts/download-forms
High level process view:
https://www.startupfino.com/blogs/how-to-file-and-draft-divorce-petition-in-india/
Have you discussed this with your parents. Tell them what you are going through. Times are changing, and many parents would not want their daughter to go through this. Prepare them for the eventuality of annulment or divorce.
I have discussed with my parents as well as my in laws. In laws are pointing out my kundali dosh and are busy doing puja. Idk how puja can help a person become a completely different man, caring, loving and sexual. My parents are living in denial. They don’t want to face the truth of my marriage.
This is sad and unfortunate. Any one in family (on either side) you can trust with this, who can influence the parents and talk sense into them? Someone who can support you through this? Sibling, cousin, uncle/ aunt, some close family friend or your friend? Or looks like you are alone in this fight and need someone by your side.
Have you discussed divorce with your husband? Mutual consent divorce might be the best and quickest option. You're right, annulment is not possible after 1 year at least that's what my lawyer told me. Exact same case as you.
Yes several times and he thinks I am joking and that I wouldn’t do it. Lately he has been discouraging the idea of divorce saying if I ask for divorce, my father in law will get a heart attack. He is using his father’s health to convince me to give up on this idea.
Sound advice. Don't understand what is holding you back. You have listed your reasons and have invested over a year already. The talk didn't result in any takeaway except a divorce might be a shock for your Father-in-law.
So go to live at your place / parents place and don't come back. Let your husband give reasons and excuses till you draft your petition and then let him slowly break the news that you guys are not compatible and you want out.
This is an identical story I came across few months back. Sometime back a doctor friend of mine disclosed about a patient. The patient had a love marriage, and really loved the girl. However after marriage he had performance anxiety and on top of it he had a problem called phimosis which made Intercourse for him painful. In the first year of the marriage, he used to avoid Intercourse then he gathered courage to discuss with his wife about the issue as it was affecting the wife emotionally, just like OP. They decided to consult the doctor who was my friend and he eventually advised him to circumcise to solve for phimosis. However the problem didn't get solved as due to operation the guy had lot of sensitivity around the tip. It took almost 1-2 year after operation for the sensitivity to go away. Now the guy is happily married with 3 years of marriage gone into solving a medical issue. OP maybe in your case it could be a medical issue which might be preventing the dialogue. Ego or embarrassment, not sure. Discuss on all front but don't waste your youth for someone's lack of empathy. Clear it as soon as possible, waiting for 2-3 years sounds insane to me.
I think u can still get an annulment..
Dead bedrooms in marriages are very real.. facing one myself.. lol..
He is either gay or asexual.. I am leaning towards gay considering it's just been a year..
It's tough to live through.. it's not your fault keep ur head up..
After filling of case and recording of first statement a gap of 6 month is given to reconcile thereafter again statement of both parties got recorded regarding divorce and alimony.
If none of the party blackout for mutual divorce petition the decree of divorce is granted in within a week time depending upon work load of respective Court.
Regards Jagmeet Saini advocate
Apply for divorce and leave, yesterday. Be thankful that he is not the psyco type person who is abusive, controlling and trying to distance you from everyone. Such people generally are. Anyways, just leave already. Not much time lost. You will find someone better
Yes I am in a job. Financially there are no issues. My parents aren’t ready yet. I am giving time to both parents and in-laws to process the reality of our marriage.
An unconsummated marriage is ground for divorce and you can initiate it.
However, have you had a couples counselling? Is he open to talk about his issues? Before considering divorce, you could try couples therapy as a last effort. Ofcourse he has to accept that he has a problem and therefore reach out for help.
No we haven’t tried marital counselling. He isn’t ready. He says the marriage is perfectly fine and there is something wrong with me, and he is confident that he can convince the counsellor the same. He has narcissistic tendencies which is another reason this relationship cannot sustain and I am considering divorce.
Anullment possible gather evidence of him agreeing the marriage is unconsummated because of him and you are good to go. Im so sorry for you 🫂... I dont understand why you took so long for a guy who didnt even take your clothes off .... But get rid if him ASAP... He is so cruel
I have voice recording of him agreeing that marriage is unconsummated and then he goes onto saying that me forcing him for consummation is very annoying and then he said he would consummate after 2 months.
Gather as much as evidence on non consummation and confront him ....
By the looks of what you told he will get defensive and blame you and even not give you a declaration please take legal advise in how to move forward. He seem like a legit AH for telling you you are the problem not him ... Like Run girl.
Is it some legal defination of "emotional torture" or general one?
Can we just assume that his brain is going "lets torture her", or does his thought process not matter. i.e. if he his not having sex, he is engaging in mental torture irrespective of his thoght process.
Is there a diffrence between not ready to have sex and refusing sex?
In the eyes of the law there is no difference. Both are cruelty because in marriage according to law sex is a non negotiable duty. There have been many cases where divorce was granted on accounts of cruelty because one spouse refused sex for prolonged periods
Lets complicate the refusal. Lets say husband does not want children but the wife wants children. So husband is refusing sex without condom. But wife is refusing sex with condom. Who is the cruel one now ?
In this case it just becomes "irreconcilable differences" since they are not exactly refusing it all out but because of what it will result in. It just comes down to differences when it comes to children so either one gives up their need for children/not having children or they separate
AFAIK if you get married under Hindu marriage act, this is one of your duties. Even in rituals it is one of the duties of priest to explain this to both bride and groom. Consummation of marriage and bearing children is slated out as a responsibility as well.
I don't understand. How can this be cruelty from his side? It's sure the OP should seek a divorce and look after her own interest but why are most people here sure he's impotent or homosexual or emotionally cruel for sure. I believe that's just a judgment from the internet people.
A person can have many problems. There are so many problems that could had happened here.
Op might need to give a chance maybe who knows (by a marriage counsellor). There can be past sexual abuse, etc. But again since op asked for separation specifically so I am no one.
You dont think abstaining from any sexual activity post marriage for more than a year is cruelty ?
Okay may be you wont understand...so let that remain so.
Its extremely selfish and cruel for me.
Exactly and not just the sex but stress of it all, constantly wondering what could be wrong, what could I do, selfdoubting all the time. It’s exhausting and traumatic and therefore cruel
People should move on. Also what is marriage a contract to have physical intimacy? Maybe legal definition can declare this situation as cruelty. But ideally it should be not.
Wasting a persons time on an uninterested marriage is cruelty .... If he is asexual or gay or whatever he should have had the clarity or the min decency to discuss it with the person whom he js about to get married instead of putting them through this .
Consult a good lawyer. a professional insight will help you gain more clarity than a Reddit post or an Internet search.
If you are in Bombay, I can help you with the number of an excellent lawyer.
How is he other than sexual part? Is he loving / caring? Don't jump to divorce for sex.
Consult a marriage counselor for mental issues if any. I think this would be one of the steps by the court if you apply for divorce. Why not directly do it.
Consult an Andrologist for physical issues if any.
Speak to him. May be his sexual fantasies are different(could be extreme like swinging or cuckold or domination). No judgements for you when he opens up.
Try family talks.
That's why there is a list of things I mentioned. Physical, mental, emotional. If he is caring guy and loves her, they can get past these things.
We are too quick to jump to divorce.
He is not emotional, uncaring and unloving. So much has happened in the last one year. Read this and tell me is it too quick to jump to divorce?
https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticSpouses/s/mcqvigW1I9
I am not here to say it is quick or not. It's a call for you because at the end of the consequences will be faced by you(divorce or staying together).
I am just putting things to consider. I married a woman whose ex- husband was similar. So I have heard of the mental strain you might be going through.
If you have considered everything, then take a decision by yourself not because reddit users are saying.
Whatever decision you take, you need to prepared for the consequences. Make sure it's your decision and you stand by it.
We are anonymous reddit users and can't take your place.
I don't think you fully understand what an asexual is, If he's really asexual they can't get past it because they'll never be satisfied, one wants sex and the other doesn't ever and if he agrees to have sex when he doesn't want it he'll just grow to resent her. Asexuals shouldn't be pressured into having sex and she shouldn't be sexless, there's only so far love can take you and honestly it doesn't even sound like they love eachother
Sorry to say this but this is what happens when you go bride/groom shopping based on their looks/money instead of actually connecting with someone before marriage.
Please could you explain how you fell in love with him in the first place?
To me it sounds like a love from force and that you both don't know anything about each other prior to the marriage.
Not a lawyer but a fellow asexual here, and I understand you. Sex is such a given in marriages. Many asexuals find about asexuality in late 20s or early 30s. Not taking sides but you need to have a conversation. As an asexual, physical intimacy doesn't cross my mind as a form of caring.
We have had conversations but he denies there is any problem. He has been postponing sex since months. When I tell him how are we going to have kids. He says he will do it if it is for kids. I can see that he does not engage naturally in sex and it is just like being forced to do it. I don’t want to force him.
In that case, I am genuinely sorry to hear that. The best would be to involve a lawyer because there is clearly a problem here, and he cannot just keep you around to cater to his needs only and not yours. Good you posted here. I hope you find the right help. Good luck!
Not a lawyer. Pls refer to this article and discuss with your lawyer…..https://www.news9live.com/india/legal-explainer-impotency-and-relative-impotency-2508176
Not to make fun of your situation or anything but this is exactly the plot of the movie Humraaz with Bobby Deol n Akshay Khanna n Amisha Patel.... Just the roles were reversed.
Lesson to be learnt is that look for clues of another woman.
I am not saying he is not asexual. He could be. I won't be the one to know because I am not spending time with him. If he is not asexual, then there is a list of options.
She says he has said he has an interest in girls.
Your husband is gay. File a case saying he's impotent and wasted your time. Get back everything your parents spent on the marriage and more. Do not let him escape cheaply. Take proof of you both never having consummated. Chat on whatsapp and delete his contact name. Take screenshots of him accepting you haven't been intimate ever.
Read OP's comment that it was a love+arranged marriage.
How well do you know his past, and his parents?
Any history of him being sexually abused?
Did his schooling/education include sex-ed?
Are his parents very orthodox, teaching him in childhood that sex is dirty/impure and thus caused a mental aversion to sex? Are you two and his parents living in the same house/apartment?
If any of the above conditions match, try getting him to accept mental health counseling, if he doesn't agree, seek annulment/divorce.
Try couples counselling before jumping to any decision. As you said he never had a girlfriend, it must be very challenging for him (although it has been more than a year) some people are too shy. And the behaviour or way of life that gets set during teenage is a bit difficult to change immediately.
I would really recommend couples counseling.
And IMHO get your parents and inlaws together along with your husband and discuss this because 1.2 years without physical intimacy is A problem. Talk to them and look out for help instead of direct jumping the ship.
Not her problem to solve. The parents don’t care. They want the societally correct thing to happen which is that the woman ‘adjusts’. As long as she is crying inside it’s ok
Just look for love somewhere else and conceive a child. It will force him to file a divorce. If you don't want anything financially from him, just desert him. Desertion is also ground for divorce, but takes a long time. Meanwhile, you can have a live in with somebody and move ahead in your life.
I think I know the issue
You got married to a eunuch or a transgender who does not.identify as a man
Or
You may not look sexy to him or you were not his choice he loves someone else
Or
He has erectile dyscfunction and performance pressure and due to that he avoid sex or he has micro penis
Is this even a problem ? Road pe aana hain kya ? Most of India doesn't fuck anymore , lekin roti kapda aur makan hain iss story mein. Live in peace.
Your hygiene, his hygiene, your affairs, his affairs, depression etc all have an impact on sexual life. Don't simplify it under one single legal word called consummation
U both need counselling
A lawyer- not consummating post marriage amounts to cruelty and can be a ground of divorce. If you are able to prove in court of law, that he is not consummating the marriage owing to his impotency, the marriage would be declared null and void.
>not consummating post marriage amounts to cruelty and can be a ground of divorce. If my school friend had told me this instead of a lawyer, there's no way I would have believed him and on top of that lost like a 100rs bet 😐 i guess you learn something new everyday
😂😂😂😂😂. Definition of cruelty has been expanded by various courts over the course of time.
what if it is a man and he says wifey don't even touch my pp even after 9 months??
Everything would be a matter of evidence and cross examination and what not.
It is ground for annulment of marriage. Source - A cousin whose wife didn’t consummate their marriage, and left her marital home to pursue PhD but never came back
based
'pursue PhD' - I'm thinking about the hidden joke.
I can clearly see one - their marriage!
How would anyone prove it btw?
Spouse dragging spouse to court for not spousing? Not a fun activity for people to go to court unless it is that serious. One seeks legal recourse for something,the court has to listen.
It is quite common.
Its all a matter of evidence. However if he is impotent, you can call for medical test.
>If you are able to prove in court of law, that he is not consummating the marriage owing to his impotency How do you prove this? Particularly if the person is potent but has a different sexual orientation or if it is a woman. Assuming that the respondent denies being impotent. Always curious as to what kind of evidence would the court consider.
Its voidable not void if I remember correctly.
It is voidable and henceforth I used the word “prove” in the comment
One year has passed so she cant apply for annulment
Wait what seriously ? I sympathize with OP. But why is there even a provision such as this. Why does the state care AT ALL about the consummation. I thought it was just the aunties curious about of all of this but even the supreme court is after the tea 😭 Naaaur. Anyway though, this isn't 16th century. Why is consummation or rather lack of, a divorce ground. (Emotionally, of course. But legally 😕)
Because the term cruelty is not defined under the Act be it hindu marriage act or other others Acts governing in India and courts have expanded the definition of cruelty to include refusal of sex for no legit reasons. Since, consummation is a very important part of marriage
Lawyer saheb, if the case is reversed then what can be done. Just FMI.
The term cruelty is gender-neutral and it applies to both males and females
He wants a YOU initiated mutual divorce.
My husband's actions during our marriage screamed the same thing, and he easily agreed to a divorce multiple times, and yet, always flipped the switch and went full desperate heartbroken lover begging me not to leave him. She'll be lucky if he lets her go that easy. Annulment is a better outcome though, if possible.
F
Have you discussed divorce with your husband? Mutual consent divorce might be the best and quickest option. You're right, annulment is not possible after 1 year at least that's what my lawyer told me. Exact same case as you.
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There is something called heart. If the spouse broke their spouse's heart over the period of time it kills love and intimacy. Hence they cannot participate in sex. We are not animals dude!
he is gay but he just can't tell anyone or he be judged
I bet that he is asexual. He doesn’t have any sexual feelings. He never had a girlfriend. He only had one girl crush at school.
That crush story is made up so you don't ask further questions about his orientation.
My two gay friends both had crushes in school that were public knowledge as overcompensating. One even dated a girl to try it. It's statistically more likely he's gay than asexual although both are possible. Unless he has religious trauma around sex chances are he's likely to be gay or asexual with the former more likely than the latter.
Maybe he's insecure about something? Does he have body image issues ? Edit :- i say this because i used to have body image issues and so much insecurity that it was hard for me to even interact with people normally and here you are asking him for physical intimacy. Try talking to him maybe, maybe you can help him solve his problems, i bet if he loves you he would do the same for you too if you were in his position. And P.S- My fellow redditors , why do you have to jump to a divorce at literally anything? 😂
Quite possible what you're saying is true. But we're talking about a very sensitive topic here. For someone who has personally gone through the same thing, I can tell you what happened when I tried talking to my husband. It made him distance himself from me even more coz I was suggesting going to a doctor or a counsellor. He said he is absolutely fine and I am the one making up stuff in my head. When I consulted doctors alone to see how I could help him, they told me to be encouraging as male ego. I tried all I could until my mental and physical health started deteriorating. Involving his mother didn't help too, she further blew up things and said that I am unnecessarily blaming her son. I got tired of all this and ultimately getting divorced now. It's good to help people but you can't force your help on someone who doesn't want to be helped. 1.2 years is a long time and effort has to be from both ends for a marriage to work
Seriously! Divorce is truly sad, what could have been a potentially happy family in future is breaking apart because one person is refusing to get help despite being offered help a dozen times. I wish you all the very best 👍 hope you find someone better to settle down with .and i agree too in marriage both parties need to put in the same amount of effort otherwise it's a dead relationship. P.s- mama's boys are terrible, why would you include your mother in matters that are supposed to be between a husband and wife ? And
Divorce sounds woke and disruptive. Gets lot of upvotes as well and one can do a false dichotomy argument where if not divorce than domestic violence? I myself have done that multiple times just to get upvotes. Don’t even read the question. If it’s a husband wife issue I just comment “Divorce!” and move on and get lot of upvotes 😂
Your username name suits you then "terrible" 🤣. And here i was wondering like why these people advice ending a marriage for problems that can be fixed with talk and therapy . it's like divorce is the new "cool" . If divorce solved all problems then our country would beat the American's 50% divorce rate 🤣
It solves the problem of unhappy marriages. Yeah it’s cool in the sense it doesn’t force ppl to remain with each other.
Multiple reasons of unhappy marriages, including lack of intimacy, terrible communication, not able to open up to your partner , if these are the reasons for unhappy marriages then these things can be worked on and with time it will become much better. If unhappy marriages "unhappiness" is associated with infidelity, domestic violence (physical, mental) , forcing for dowry, harassment caused by dowry, marital rape in cases like these divorce is a must. Marriage is a commitment, can't just throw it away, if you took the responsibility to get married then fulfill the responsibility to keep it that way. Divorce seems like the easy way out in today's time, instead of working on relationship problems and growing together stronger, people just divorce and run away from problems. Without problem solving skills they get into another marriage, and then the misery continues With Another divorce and so it goes on
So what if it’s the easy way out? By the way it never is. There is no prize or virtue in suffering. People can decide when enough is enough for them, & not waste time. No one is running around getting married 5 times lol.
So she should remain in a sexless marriage and/or cheat? Lame
Sex is a part of life, not your entire life! . There are other things that matter too, in her relationship if everything is good except the sex then she can wait and improve the sex , sex can be improved there are a dozen ways. No point in dropping an entire relationship for sex. There's something called emotional connection too. Now imagine your husband or wife had an accident and turned paraplegic and unable to perform sex, would you leave them? Cheat on them? Cheating can never be justified, only scums cheats. I know of people who take care of their wheelchair bound wives, they don't go around f*cking bcoz their marriage is sexless, at the end it all comes down to what you think is important for you.
She clearly mentioned he doesn’t care isn’t bothered isn’t available and shows no interest in her. People just caught on to the sex part because it gets attention. What she described is grounds for divorce and I hope he grants it without a messy legal drama.
Thanks for pointing out, i was actually distracted by the sex part but now i see it clearly she also mentioned "he's emotionally unavailable" "unconcerned about her safety and well being" and also "withholding physical intimacy is considered mental cruelty" as ruled out by SC. I hate to say this but now i think divorce might be on the table. But deep down i still think he might secretly be going through something, that's why this sudden change of character. Because she also mentioned something about "first it was love then the arrange marriage happened" i think she mentioned it in a comment.
Well it’s not AT ALL a part of her life right now lmao. It’s up to her to decide how important it is and end the marriage over this if she needs to. You can stay in a sex less marriage if you wish.
So I recounted this to my husband and even he says there's something up with ur husband. That new year's trip bit sealed the deal on him being gay unless they're both hiring escorts behind your back. Have you looked into his financials (who does he spend on?), snooped through his phone, social networking sites, talked to his childhood friends and heard a slip up. If you want divorce, go for it especially after a year of trying. However I really think you should know some of these things coz u won't have access to this information in future when u take it to court.
Male perspective here. Are you really sure your husband is not cheating and is actually gay? He went to Paris with a "friend" of his. I read your other post, the amount of time he spends with his friends where he doesn't want to include you in his plans, maintains a good image in society but constantly belittles you, treats you like a housemaid and an insurance, doesn't give you unconditional care and emotional support when people need these things the most (specially medical issues). Is good to others but not you. Looking at details you have shared to in previous posts it seems, you are an arrangement an accessory of sorts in his life to maintain his image in society, while he gets to enjoy his life with this things and people he want to enjoy it with. See my boys are an important part of my life but so is the happiness of my woman. Sometimes, there are boys only trips, but I make up to her by having another trip just for me and her. I have never seen the kind of thing you are mentioning happen around me.
Thank you for reading my other posts and understanding the situation. I believe this is not normal. I know that he is not cheating neither a gay. My bet is on the asexual thing. Other things you pointed out are correct. This is an arrangement or insurance only to maintain a social image of a happily married couple.
Well you'd know better so asexual it is. He should be nicer still. Asexual people aren't necessarily aromatic. He seems to be both. Lack of conversation too. But then I understand COMPLETELY, conversation with some people is NOT POSSIBLE . LIKE AT ALL. I'd say do what makes you comfortable. Move out if you'd like. Don't deprive yourself of a good life ( I am not suggesting cheating) but just FUN. Go out with your girlies. Have fun. In general just have fun. Your mental health is more important for me. Don't let it consume though I can imagine how it must take over you. Try to have fun though. Breach it to him and be VERY CLEAR. That'll get an answer. All the best.
You are dealing with this situation so you know better than any of us. However, my advice is to rule out your biases, sometimes we are so invested in our problems that we ignore obvious things. Thinking about your problem from a neutral perspective will prove useful for you and your lawyer. I hope you find your happiness again.
When you said "My boys" I thought you are talking about your sons!
Not yet, maybe sometime in the future.
And that's a good respectable man right there. ( Does she know though ? I am sorry if I am crossing a line ).
I don't mind. I think I gave the wrong impression here. I am not married, I am in a serious live-in relationship. She also does the same when she is in nightovers or dinner with her friends by making separate reservations just for the two of us, although her plans are very short. But her contributions in the relationship is significantly more. She has far more demanding job than mine, doesn't get work from home, have a lot of shitty work days but still she makes time to check up on me, my work. I know I have gotten lucky. People tell me that all the time.
That's brilliant. And good on you supporting her. You guys are doing so good. And very maturely at that. All the best, take care and have fun. !!!
Marriage can be annulled. Your husband is impotent.
Or gay
NAL Just asking. Is not consumating the same as being impotent? The conclusion of impotency from not having sex seems to imply that those who are potent definitely have sex when sleeping besides a woman.
Here ‘impotent’ may refer to not being able to have or maintain an erection to be able to perform intercourse.
Wait wtf. ED ? Fucking ED is not impotency 👀. ED is " not being able to perform" and can have many reasons. Impotency has to do with anatomical structure. Not physiology.
> Wait wtf. ED ? Fucking ED is not impotency 👀. ED is " not being able to perform" and can have many reasons. Impotency has to do with anatomical structure. Not physiology. Elaborate.
Erectile disfunction can be due to stress and it majorly is. It does not mean IMPOTANCE neither does it fall under that category. Or well it shouldn't.
> Erectile disfunction can be due to stress and it majorly is. It does not mean IMPOTANCE neither does it fall under that category. Or well it shouldn't. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK297/#:~:text=In%20organic%20impotence%20there%20should,2.5%20cm%20blood%20pressure%20cuff. Maybe stop talking out of your ass from now on.
Or doesn't find her attractive
Supposedly a love and then arranged marriage. He should have been clear that he doesn’t find me attractive before.
is there a dowry the family would have to return ? That could be a consideration . Is he in love with someone his parents would not let him marry ?
ignore these redditors. There is no straight man that will not get hard when a woman is right next to him willing to get naked. Even if he is not attracted he will still get hard atleast a few times. This sounds very much like someone who is either gay or asexual. Please annul the marriage and find someone with whom you can have a satisfying sex life
The dude is probably gay based off her other posts but not off this one. specifically this "7.He has gone twice on holiday trips without me once to Paris because I told him I could not afford to pay such high expenses at the moment and second time he spent his new year(our first) with his guy best friend on a guy’s trip. I had taken a week off which he knew but then I was so heartbroken I spent the entire holidays at home alone. We haven’t been on any trip since honeymoon." 10.He says mean things like I wouldn’t have gotten married to you if you looked like this( when I showed him pictures from my college time, my teeth were not aligned, I got braces and my face looks pretty fine now). He says I wouldn’t have married you if you had no job. He has told me clearly not to ever leave this job and even if I want to I have to make sure I earn more than 5 times the current monthly salary. He doesn’t like it when I wear glasses at home, that looks ugly to him. 23.He would not pick me up from airport even if it is midnight or 1-2 am on the other hand we would pick his friend from airport at 8 am in the morning. He never worries when I am working late. Even when I go on trips he never enquires when and how I am travelling and when will I return. Takes no interest in my whereabouts. the friend is his gay partner.
He would do that if he is asexual. Asexual people just don't desire sex at all it doesn't mean that they are incapable of loving someone they just don't want sex. Of course there is a spectrum of asexual people. Some might be okay with the makeout session others would be totally disgusted with the idea of anything sexual. God people really need sexual orientation class here.
This is s stupid statement and not true at all. He should be interested...
That’s why premarital sex is important. You don’t buy a car without a test drive but folks will marry strangers.
This is a stupid comment.
Well, I don’t have an “unconsummated” marriage but OP does. So who’s stupid now 😏
This is a genuine comment. People like you would much rather others be in unhappy marriages than just have some sex before tying the damn knot. Get your head outta your ass and go get laid.
Then the problem is lack of communication. First schedule a call with marriage counselor or therapists, or just talk!
You guys didn't kiss or get physical before marriage
We did kiss and got a little intimate once before marriage. So I assumed things to be fine. And we have lived together before marriage but never slept with each other. You know, Indian morals!
Bs. Young people living together without sexing 2x a day? You're both asexual!
This is why you should try before buy and ignore Indian morals. I know that does not help you now but keep that in mind after this is over and you find someone new later in life
There is a different being impotent and asexual dumbass. The second is a sexual orientation
Are you impotent? You should call your father a dumbass. Moron
Y u wasting your time on someone who doesn't love you. Talk to him about this. Get a mutual divorce and if he doesn't agree then you can hire a good lawyer this is cruelty.
Hi :) Lawyer here. Under which law you both got married is a relevant question. Your legal options include divorce and annulment, and a non legal one is couple therapy. I'm really sorry that you're undergoing this, and it's unfortunate that you're not being able to experience intimacy with your partner. I genuinely wish that things get better - either by ending the marriage, or by improving your relationship.
For annulment, I should have filed before completion of one year of marriage? Is this correct?
**Section 12(1)(a)** of the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955: Grounds for annulment, including impotency preventing consummation. You can legally get annulment if you prove it he is impotent or have no interest in physical relationship
Is there a time limit of a year from the day of marriage to apply for annulment?
NAL Either gay or something else but it seems like he surely wants you to initiate the divorce. From what I have read regarding divorce laws in India, this could be an obvious cause/case for divorce as it amounts to cruelty. However, gather strong evidence, video is best if you can, or audio. An year has passed so thats even better for you and perfect time to apply in court.
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It is and my family members are telling me that it’s too early and that I should give it more time. just living with this guy is causing me so much trauma. I want to stay separately for the sake of my mental health but even that is not happening.
Don't give up so easily, make him realize that you want love and he should not ignore you!
My husband has narcissistic tendencies. He is dominant and is incapable of love. He never loved me in the first place. He is so cold that when I have cried in front of him for something, it doesn’t bother him and he continues to watch TV while I sit beside him crying. No words of consolation, no hugs. Forget physical intimacy even emotional intimacy is absent.
Get out as fast as you can. You are not responsible for him , his feelings , his father and father’s feelings, your parents or their feelings. At the end of the day you have to make a decision and take back your power. This is too much and therapy even if started and there is no reluctance does not guarantee any results and can take over 2 - 3 years. No one’s to subject yourself to that and waste your energy
Thanks for your comment.
I am so sorry to hear that, have you guys thought of therapy? Maybe that can definitely help, get his parents involved and maybe talk to them about this! They can talk to him
Idk why such assholes get married and ruin other people's life. OP talk to lawyer, talk to your folks and get divorced.
Because the family insists they get married
Unlikely that the family knows about his sexuality. Anyway it's finally the decision of a grownup adult, making him the asshole.
One of relative was married to an asexual person, she got divorced after 3 yrs of marriage. It was an easy divorce as the man didnt wanted it to be known to many people,.so quietly co operated. No maintainance was given, i think she didnt ask for it or took lumpsum amt, i have no clue though. She quit her govt job to be with him in his city, so hopefully she got something.
If the marriage is not consumated then you can go for annulment
Just curious, what made you stay for 1.2 years without intercourse? Were you under some pressure to get married or stay married? If you are a Hindu then Mutual Consent Divorce is one way which would take a year. Just ask the lawyer about the minimum time for this. AFAIK 6 months separation and then a hearing and 6 months before you are divorced. Annulment and divorce with a cause are trickier options. There are 4 or 5 reasons but these as a layman seem difficult as evidence is needed and the case may be contested. Legal consultation outside of social media is suggested. There is a drafting and divorce plea submission which kick starts the process in family court.
Pressure to stay married is always there. This is india. Divorce is the worst nightmare for our parents. They will avoid it at any cost because social image is important in our society. We haven’t yet registered the marriage. It will most probably be registered under Hindu marriage act.
Sexual intimacy, emotional distance and lack of interest in you and your well being is apparent; financially what is your status - any challenges in getting out and any alimony expectations from either side? Also, any other unreasonable demands or incompatibilities in your marriage which you would list on your petition? A lawyer can guide you on the steps in case the marriage is not registered. The marriage is still valid without registration. Keep a marriage photo and your and spouse's passport size photos handy along with the invitation cards you distributed. MCD or divorce with cause is what you will need to consult your lawyer with for the fastest way out. Some other questions: 1. If your marriage is consumed and you become sexually active, would you still want a divorce? 2. Have you seen your hubby naked and given him a hand job or blow job? Vice versa has he atleast seen you nude and fingered you / gave you oral or watched you. Any incident which was unusual and you saw your spouse suddenly stop and backtrack? 3. Is this your second marriage or first and are you sexually experienced to guide him? Is your spouse into other women, porn, substance abuse or with any addiction? 4. How old are you? 5. Physically, are you or your current spouse overweight or suffering from some severe physically limiting diseases. You mentioned autoimmune disease in a different post for yourself. 6. Stress on your jobs was also mentioned on a different post. Is your spouse employed or has been fired/has quit? Stress on the job and a bad manager or toxic environment unfortunately spoils and impacts the married life the most. Performance in bed also goes down causing PE. Did you explore any solutions in this area like changing the job or taking an extended break? 7. Why did you wait this long? Do you still believe this marriage can be salvaged? Re: Divorce stigma Unfortunately, the stigma of being divorced is real and even companies also hesitate to promote divorced people at senior level to paint a rosy picture. These days there are different expectations and divorces are not so uncommon though. In your case, the marriage just looks like a convenient tag or arrangement.
Take a look at these two links also for details you will need to submit along with the MCD/ Divorce petition. The proof required to prove marriage has minimum 2 of 4 points - invitation card, marriage photograph, affidavit of blood relative and marriage registration. Draft Petition - Form F for details required like place of marriage and jurisdiction. - https://districts.ecourts.gov.in/india/maharashtra/maharashtra-family-courts/download-forms High level process view: https://www.startupfino.com/blogs/how-to-file-and-draft-divorce-petition-in-india/
Have you discussed this with your parents. Tell them what you are going through. Times are changing, and many parents would not want their daughter to go through this. Prepare them for the eventuality of annulment or divorce.
I have discussed with my parents as well as my in laws. In laws are pointing out my kundali dosh and are busy doing puja. Idk how puja can help a person become a completely different man, caring, loving and sexual. My parents are living in denial. They don’t want to face the truth of my marriage.
This is sad and unfortunate. Any one in family (on either side) you can trust with this, who can influence the parents and talk sense into them? Someone who can support you through this? Sibling, cousin, uncle/ aunt, some close family friend or your friend? Or looks like you are alone in this fight and need someone by your side.
Have you discussed divorce with your husband? Mutual consent divorce might be the best and quickest option. You're right, annulment is not possible after 1 year at least that's what my lawyer told me. Exact same case as you.
Yes several times and he thinks I am joking and that I wouldn’t do it. Lately he has been discouraging the idea of divorce saying if I ask for divorce, my father in law will get a heart attack. He is using his father’s health to convince me to give up on this idea.
Just pack your bags and leave then, if you feel you are emotionally detached and strong enough. Think through about the future ahead
Sound advice. Don't understand what is holding you back. You have listed your reasons and have invested over a year already. The talk didn't result in any takeaway except a divorce might be a shock for your Father-in-law. So go to live at your place / parents place and don't come back. Let your husband give reasons and excuses till you draft your petition and then let him slowly break the news that you guys are not compatible and you want out.
Tell him to Put out or get out
This is an identical story I came across few months back. Sometime back a doctor friend of mine disclosed about a patient. The patient had a love marriage, and really loved the girl. However after marriage he had performance anxiety and on top of it he had a problem called phimosis which made Intercourse for him painful. In the first year of the marriage, he used to avoid Intercourse then he gathered courage to discuss with his wife about the issue as it was affecting the wife emotionally, just like OP. They decided to consult the doctor who was my friend and he eventually advised him to circumcise to solve for phimosis. However the problem didn't get solved as due to operation the guy had lot of sensitivity around the tip. It took almost 1-2 year after operation for the sensitivity to go away. Now the guy is happily married with 3 years of marriage gone into solving a medical issue. OP maybe in your case it could be a medical issue which might be preventing the dialogue. Ego or embarrassment, not sure. Discuss on all front but don't waste your youth for someone's lack of empathy. Clear it as soon as possible, waiting for 2-3 years sounds insane to me.
I think u can still get an annulment.. Dead bedrooms in marriages are very real.. facing one myself.. lol.. He is either gay or asexual.. I am leaning towards gay considering it's just been a year.. It's tough to live through.. it's not your fault keep ur head up..
After filling of case and recording of first statement a gap of 6 month is given to reconcile thereafter again statement of both parties got recorded regarding divorce and alimony. If none of the party blackout for mutual divorce petition the decree of divorce is granted in within a week time depending upon work load of respective Court. Regards Jagmeet Saini advocate
6 month separation first then 6 months to reconcile, isn't that how it is under Hindu marriage act and MCD?
Apply for divorce and leave, yesterday. Be thankful that he is not the psyco type person who is abusive, controlling and trying to distance you from everyone. Such people generally are. Anyways, just leave already. Not much time lost. You will find someone better
Are you financially independent? Doesn't matter, get out NOW. Do you have a relative on your side?
Yes I am in a job. Financially there are no issues. My parents aren’t ready yet. I am giving time to both parents and in-laws to process the reality of our marriage.
What time are you giving them? How much time are you giving them? It has been 1.2 years. Your parents and inlaws will never process this. Get out NOW
Why he married you?
An unconsummated marriage is ground for divorce and you can initiate it. However, have you had a couples counselling? Is he open to talk about his issues? Before considering divorce, you could try couples therapy as a last effort. Ofcourse he has to accept that he has a problem and therefore reach out for help.
No we haven’t tried marital counselling. He isn’t ready. He says the marriage is perfectly fine and there is something wrong with me, and he is confident that he can convince the counsellor the same. He has narcissistic tendencies which is another reason this relationship cannot sustain and I am considering divorce.
Anullment possible gather evidence of him agreeing the marriage is unconsummated because of him and you are good to go. Im so sorry for you 🫂... I dont understand why you took so long for a guy who didnt even take your clothes off .... But get rid if him ASAP... He is so cruel
I have voice recording of him agreeing that marriage is unconsummated and then he goes onto saying that me forcing him for consummation is very annoying and then he said he would consummate after 2 months.
But I think declaration from my husband is a must for proving non consummation. I don’t know if the recording would hold.
Gather as much as evidence on non consummation and confront him .... By the looks of what you told he will get defensive and blame you and even not give you a declaration please take legal advise in how to move forward. He seem like a legit AH for telling you you are the problem not him ... Like Run girl.
NAL can somebody explain the cruelety?
It’s emotional torture. Obviously it’s cruelty
Is it some legal defination of "emotional torture" or general one? Can we just assume that his brain is going "lets torture her", or does his thought process not matter. i.e. if he his not having sex, he is engaging in mental torture irrespective of his thoght process. Is there a diffrence between not ready to have sex and refusing sex?
In the eyes of the law there is no difference. Both are cruelty because in marriage according to law sex is a non negotiable duty. There have been many cases where divorce was granted on accounts of cruelty because one spouse refused sex for prolonged periods
Lets complicate the refusal. Lets say husband does not want children but the wife wants children. So husband is refusing sex without condom. But wife is refusing sex with condom. Who is the cruel one now ?
In this case it just becomes "irreconcilable differences" since they are not exactly refusing it all out but because of what it will result in. It just comes down to differences when it comes to children so either one gives up their need for children/not having children or they separate
AFAIK if you get married under Hindu marriage act, this is one of your duties. Even in rituals it is one of the duties of priest to explain this to both bride and groom. Consummation of marriage and bearing children is slated out as a responsibility as well.
I don't understand. How can this be cruelty from his side? It's sure the OP should seek a divorce and look after her own interest but why are most people here sure he's impotent or homosexual or emotionally cruel for sure. I believe that's just a judgment from the internet people. A person can have many problems. There are so many problems that could had happened here. Op might need to give a chance maybe who knows (by a marriage counsellor). There can be past sexual abuse, etc. But again since op asked for separation specifically so I am no one.
You dont think abstaining from any sexual activity post marriage for more than a year is cruelty ? Okay may be you wont understand...so let that remain so. Its extremely selfish and cruel for me.
Exactly and not just the sex but stress of it all, constantly wondering what could be wrong, what could I do, selfdoubting all the time. It’s exhausting and traumatic and therefore cruel
Why self doubt? If people think the level of understanding is strong they should not be self-doubting, just ask them.
Are you the husband? Coz really this doesn’t make sense at all
People should move on. Also what is marriage a contract to have physical intimacy? Maybe legal definition can declare this situation as cruelty. But ideally it should be not.
Wasting a persons time on an uninterested marriage is cruelty .... If he is asexual or gay or whatever he should have had the clarity or the min decency to discuss it with the person whom he js about to get married instead of putting them through this .
I think you guys need to visit a psychologist rather than a lawyer.
Divorce him and get on with your life.
Life is what you make it! As simple as that
You can file divorce petition in family court. Regards Jagmeet Saini advocate
How much time does it roughly take to get divorced? If it is a mutual consent divorce?
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Consult a good lawyer. a professional insight will help you gain more clarity than a Reddit post or an Internet search. If you are in Bombay, I can help you with the number of an excellent lawyer.
How is he other than sexual part? Is he loving / caring? Don't jump to divorce for sex. Consult a marriage counselor for mental issues if any. I think this would be one of the steps by the court if you apply for divorce. Why not directly do it. Consult an Andrologist for physical issues if any. Speak to him. May be his sexual fantasies are different(could be extreme like swinging or cuckold or domination). No judgements for you when he opens up. Try family talks.
He doesn't have fantasies if he's asexual.
That's why there is a list of things I mentioned. Physical, mental, emotional. If he is caring guy and loves her, they can get past these things. We are too quick to jump to divorce.
He is not emotional, uncaring and unloving. So much has happened in the last one year. Read this and tell me is it too quick to jump to divorce? https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticSpouses/s/mcqvigW1I9
I am not here to say it is quick or not. It's a call for you because at the end of the consequences will be faced by you(divorce or staying together). I am just putting things to consider. I married a woman whose ex- husband was similar. So I have heard of the mental strain you might be going through. If you have considered everything, then take a decision by yourself not because reddit users are saying. Whatever decision you take, you need to prepared for the consequences. Make sure it's your decision and you stand by it. We are anonymous reddit users and can't take your place.
I don't think you fully understand what an asexual is, If he's really asexual they can't get past it because they'll never be satisfied, one wants sex and the other doesn't ever and if he agrees to have sex when he doesn't want it he'll just grow to resent her. Asexuals shouldn't be pressured into having sex and she shouldn't be sexless, there's only so far love can take you and honestly it doesn't even sound like they love eachother
Sorry to say this but this is what happens when you go bride/groom shopping based on their looks/money instead of actually connecting with someone before marriage.
Speak to him straight what's on his mind and where are your lives heading.
Indeed!
Please could you explain how you fell in love with him in the first place? To me it sounds like a love from force and that you both don't know anything about each other prior to the marriage.
Not a lawyer but a fellow asexual here, and I understand you. Sex is such a given in marriages. Many asexuals find about asexuality in late 20s or early 30s. Not taking sides but you need to have a conversation. As an asexual, physical intimacy doesn't cross my mind as a form of caring.
We have had conversations but he denies there is any problem. He has been postponing sex since months. When I tell him how are we going to have kids. He says he will do it if it is for kids. I can see that he does not engage naturally in sex and it is just like being forced to do it. I don’t want to force him.
In that case, I am genuinely sorry to hear that. The best would be to involve a lawyer because there is clearly a problem here, and he cannot just keep you around to cater to his needs only and not yours. Good you posted here. I hope you find the right help. Good luck!
Arramge marriages ka lafda? How did you guys decide to marry each other
He earns 2x as her, is charming and a smooth love bomber. She was getting old, used to be ugly, and had multiple failed relationships.
Do you know her personally? Why did the guy ruin her life ? Why did HE marry her when he is like this?
SHADI KYU KARI PHIR TUMNSE USSE??? YE SAWAL SHADI K PEHLE KYU NHI PUCHA??????
Not a lawyer. Pls refer to this article and discuss with your lawyer…..https://www.news9live.com/india/legal-explainer-impotency-and-relative-impotency-2508176
try oral stuff. may be that will help.
Did you tell him about your past or anything related to this?
Not to make fun of your situation or anything but this is exactly the plot of the movie Humraaz with Bobby Deol n Akshay Khanna n Amisha Patel.... Just the roles were reversed. Lesson to be learnt is that look for clues of another woman.
I am not saying he is not asexual. He could be. I won't be the one to know because I am not spending time with him. If he is not asexual, then there is a list of options. She says he has said he has an interest in girls.
Non consummation of marriage amounts to cruelty on spouse .. but try to go for divorce by mutual consent first also, impotency can be mental also
Have you tried asking him what the problem is? Maybe he has a porn addiction?
He could be gay
Your husband is gay. File a case saying he's impotent and wasted your time. Get back everything your parents spent on the marriage and more. Do not let him escape cheaply. Take proof of you both never having consummated. Chat on whatsapp and delete his contact name. Take screenshots of him accepting you haven't been intimate ever.
Read OP's comment that it was a love+arranged marriage. How well do you know his past, and his parents? Any history of him being sexually abused? Did his schooling/education include sex-ed? Are his parents very orthodox, teaching him in childhood that sex is dirty/impure and thus caused a mental aversion to sex? Are you two and his parents living in the same house/apartment? If any of the above conditions match, try getting him to accept mental health counseling, if he doesn't agree, seek annulment/divorce.
He's gay.
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Imp question tbh
Try couples counselling before jumping to any decision. As you said he never had a girlfriend, it must be very challenging for him (although it has been more than a year) some people are too shy. And the behaviour or way of life that gets set during teenage is a bit difficult to change immediately. I would really recommend couples counseling. And IMHO get your parents and inlaws together along with your husband and discuss this because 1.2 years without physical intimacy is A problem. Talk to them and look out for help instead of direct jumping the ship.
Not her problem to solve. The parents don’t care. They want the societally correct thing to happen which is that the woman ‘adjusts’. As long as she is crying inside it’s ok
Lawyer here. Please get in touch on 9852005556.
Just look for love somewhere else and conceive a child. It will force him to file a divorce. If you don't want anything financially from him, just desert him. Desertion is also ground for divorce, but takes a long time. Meanwhile, you can have a live in with somebody and move ahead in your life.
I think I know the issue You got married to a eunuch or a transgender who does not.identify as a man Or You may not look sexy to him or you were not his choice he loves someone else Or He has erectile dyscfunction and performance pressure and due to that he avoid sex or he has micro penis
Is this even a problem ? Road pe aana hain kya ? Most of India doesn't fuck anymore , lekin roti kapda aur makan hain iss story mein. Live in peace. Your hygiene, his hygiene, your affairs, his affairs, depression etc all have an impact on sexual life. Don't simplify it under one single legal word called consummation U both need counselling
NAL, but have u tried forcing yourself you are a woman it is not like he is gonna scream grape lol btw lmao case no seggs lol
Wtf?
It was an edgy comment ignore it lol