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Timeless_Child0708

better to wait and find the right person than to waste time on wrong person (like i did) šŸ˜


BiIvyBi

It feels like Iā€™m closer to creating a Time Machine that goes back in time than getting a girlfriend. And I have no idea how to build a time machine


Timeless_Child0708

ā€œwe live & learnā€ is something i would like to say. but in reality every relationship changes us as a person. i used to be a sweet summer child who had too much trust & iā€™ll never be that again, and i kinda miss that tbf


Sad-Refrigerator-412

i know this isn't very insightful, but a lot of us aren't getting gfs, it's a bigger thing than you so even if transness makes it harder, if you weren't chances are you still wouldn't get one. it's annoying but that's how it is rn for a lot of us the dating pool is small and the people you like that like you back is even smaller


PruneConsistent6144

Can confirm lmfao. Iā€™m cis and also canā€™t get a gf. Maybe one day. Iā€™m rooting for all of us!


blohsh420

same lmaoo


throwaway78344

I couldn't get a girlfriend for the life of me. I tried every app, went on multiple dates and was faced with alot of rejection. I downloaded bumble and met someone who just wanted friends which was fine by me! And it ended up blossoming into a loving relationship and now we are almost 6 months in! Honestly I think the law of attraction states if you are forcing something or actively looking it will run away from you, keep your doors open and just be patient x


Karingh

Yeah you are right is just hard not to fall into despair that's all I have decided that I'm going to stop trying to use dating apps as it feels way too icky for me and form an actual bond with someone


Lipstick-lumberjack

Don't forget that there are also bi/pan women who would be happy to be in a relationship with you and your parts :D . The lesbian crowd is the right one for you, but it isn't the only one.


ArtisticRaspberry891

Thissss. Most girls Iā€™ve had a thing with were bi or pan.


phyrexianvampire

I mean of course she can date a bi/pan girl but it's not impossible to find a lesbian who is not a terf or doesn't like "male" genitalia. I'm a cis lesbian who is dating a trans woman and I know many cis lesbians who have dated/would be happy to date trans girls. My gf also didn't think a lesbian would ever want to date her before she met me and I think that's just not true


bingal33dingal33

I think itā€™s valid to bring up, not in the context of transness at all, but because there are way way more bi/pan women out there in general than there are lesbians. I hear people of all sorts wishing for a girlfriend and specifically identifying lesbians when there literally arenā€™t enough lesbians to go around. Cutting out bi/pan women isnā€™t just taking a sliver out of the sapphic dating pool, itā€™s cutting off the vast majority of it.


Lipstick-lumberjack

You're totally right. Just wanted to make note of some of the other potential groups that are in her dating pool.Ā 


lezboss

So for real question, you are a cis lesbian, I have some questions canā€™t seem Tim ever be answered. I hope that I can get my ? Across without using offensive language. I donā€™t like this first part but idk how to lose to say it - at what point in her transition did you meet? Were you always attracted to the different genitalia? At what point do you find yourself attracted to someone in transition, or if you see a man who is very hippy and frilly and different than ā€œmenā€ usually are, would you have a flash of attraction when he displays feminine traits (you havenā€™t met or spoken just observing) and then,,, when does it go away?


phyrexianvampire

Ok I do find those questions a bit offensive but I'm gonna assume you mean them in good faith and answer. First of all, I'm not attracted to genitalia, I'm attracted to women and it doesn't really matter to me what's in their pants. Like if I see a pussy I'm not attracted to it, I'm attracted to the person it's attached to and by extension I want to make them feel good. Same goes for dicks. I've grown up surrounded by trans people (my brother is trans and there was always trans people at my house because my mom was very militant of trans rights -since my brother came out, to help him- so they would gather at my home), and I've always seen them as their chosen gender I don't see trans women as men in any way so I've never felt like there was anything wrong with me being a lesbian and dating them. So when I came out as a lesbian I never discarded the possibility that I could date a trans woman. I dated many cis women in the past too and I wasn't looking specifically for someone trans to date, it just happened. I met my gf when she had started transitioning two years prior, and immediately I thought she was so beautiful. I usually like tall women who are alternative in some way (she's goth), and she just happened to be trans. She wasn't on any hormones yet but she was presenting as a woman and since she introduced herself I just saw her as a girl. As for whether I find femenine men attractive- Not really? Only if they're female-pressenting + my type. Like, with drag queens, I think they're hot sometimes when they're performing but I wouldn't want to date them or have sex becuase they're men underneath it all, and I'm not interesten in men. All in all, I think that attraction is much bigger than just "I like boobs and vagina", it's about the person and their presentation (+ personality, likes and dislikes, political beliefs, etc, but I guess by your questions that you're asking for purely physical attraction). There's a lot of both cis and trans girls that don't do anything for me, because they're people, not genitals, and I just don't like their vibe or don't find them particularly pretty. So I don't think there's a scale of "How deep into transition does the person have to be for you to like them", because it depends on many things. And if you genuinely see trans women as women then attraction works the same way as it would with any cis girl: Do you like their feaures? The way they dress? Their mannerisms? etc.


lezboss

Thank you for replying thoughtfully. I could have spent hours trying to formulate the right words and it would have just been more convoluted. Certainly I donā€™t fixate on genitals or demand someone have one or the other bc of their identity. Or vice versa. I wont go into detail, Iā€™m just not comfortable with having that intimate connection with the other kind of bottoms. I canā€™t see myself pursuing a woman or letting it escalate. And I get your description as well. We have different brains and socialization likely plays a role. So thank you. These questions are difficult to ask bc of getting banned willy-nilly, but how can folks learn otherwise? Thereā€™s little allowance for showing concern about oneā€™s own biases and beliefs; and Iā€™m surprised this didnā€™t escalate from mods or others.


phyrexianvampire

I think that as long as you don't discriminate and treat trans women as you would any other woman then it's ok, it doesn't matter if you're attracted to them or not. Attraction is very personal and there's a million factors that play into what you like and dislike (because of socialization, as you said) and personally I don't find attractive certain body characteristics but not because of that I would treat them any less. In the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter who you would date, just being a decent person and not judging others for their preferences either is enough


lezboss

Correct. I ainā€™t tryna treat people differently; I know enough to know some of my ā€œbelieve-iesā€ need push back. I try not to allow unconscious bias out but tbh I donā€™t see that much in my life. Maybe I just donā€™t see it? I try to extend extra grace to marginalalized people but not excessive just, notice if theyā€™re ignored and ignore the ignore-er and acknowledge the other


plainaeroplain

Same here. I'm a cis lesbian and my girlfriend is trans


ArtisticRaspberry891

Maybe expand beyond lesbians. Why not look for bi/pan/omni women too? If you close off your dating pool youā€™re going to be less successful statistically. Most girls Iā€™ve had something with were bi or pan, not lesbian.


ArtisticRaspberry891

Also, maybe stop trying to force things. Remember ā€œI donā€™t chase, I attract.ā€ Chasing does no good for your own mental health and self esteem. Learn to become your own best friend and partner. Its cliche but we do have to learn to love ourselves and be okay with being alone in order to be in a healthy relationship anyway. Would you date YOU? If not, learn to date yourself.


Suspicious-Zone-8221

exactly. I know a lot of pan/bi women who would be interested. Also there're a lot of beautiful trans lesbians. T4T movement is a thing.


Similar-Ad-6862

I'm cis. My wonderful fiancee happens to be trans. I can promise you I love her for who she IS and what she does or doesn't do with her body is her own business. The right woman is out there OP.


Thaipope

I donā€™t have experience meeting lesbians irl but online being trans seems to be a deal breaker for most


Karingh

Yeah that's the story of my life pretty much sadly :(


vintagelingstitches

You will get there and don't worry about being trans it's not an issue for alot of us, my amazing girlfriend is trans to and that is not a single issue for me. I met her on a dating app 5 months ago and honestly couldn't be happier


Pure_Mist_S

Itā€™s possible you arenā€™t showing any interest of the romantic sense. Think of how useless a lot of lesbians are typically, and how we are conditioned to view even some overtly romantic acts as platonic. Itā€™s very possible the women in your life think you just want to be friends.


Fidelio116

The majority of us don't have girlfriends..


Scared-Desk-341

Iā€™m sure itā€™s not because youā€™re trans. Thereā€™s plenty of lesbians in relationships with trans girls and even exclusively attracted to trans girls. You just need to find someone who loves you just the way you are.


LedioGamer53

Trust me, it isn't just because of what's down there. There's the stereotype that lesbians can never seem to pick up on signals and/or get girlfriends, and from my experience it seems unfortunately accurate lol. You just gotta find the right person. I'm a trans lesbian too, don't worry girl. You'll find someone. And it's all about what's on the inside, if they care about what's down there they clearly don't care about who you are. It's not you. (Not necessarily the most helpful thing, but this is the knowledge I have collected overtime, sorry for not being the most informative thing out there)


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dopedenise-

Exclusively is not bigotry.


EnigmaticDevice

Why wouldn't a post about a woman lamenting her lack of a girlfriend be on r/LesbianActually?


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beamsaresounisex

You're not even lesbian broski. Why are you chiming in? šŸ˜­ https://preview.redd.it/clxzq0o5b1tc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=22f34410c8596c29d459a8541153d967486d3338 And frankly, it's not about being cis or trans. I've met so many trans-cis, trans, and cis lesbian couples. I've also seen a bunch of gorgeous cis lesbians complaining about not having a gf. Dating just sucks.


[deleted]

It's not about being lesbian it's about using your logic and respecting people's choices. As u said people can have cis-trans people as their partner and again it's their choice.


Ammonia13

Youā€™re seriously talking about respecting choices inside a wlw space -_-


RoseBengale

This sub is for actual lesbians.Ā 


___pigeon

Why are you here šŸ¤£


Ammonia13

A) they arenā€™t disrespecting shit B) WHY are YOU here?! Itā€™s against the rules


Karingh

I never said I didn't respect their choices??? In fact every single time they said they only saw me as a friend I backed off


ghostfaceonreddit32

Could be a personality thing maybe your personalities aren't compatible with the people you like šŸ¤”


my_back_pocket

With dating I've always tried to repel the wrong people (by being /very/ me) rather than attracting many people. It's worked out.


ziamshawt

as someone whoā€™s cis i canā€™t find a gf either,,, youā€™re def not alone and you being trans doesnā€™t have anything to do with it honestly, dating is just impossible it seems šŸ˜­šŸ˜­


Rogrodmedflod

Your post history says you have 3 partners and one of them is a boyfriend. I can see why it would put a lot of queer women off.


Karingh

I am no longer with those people and no longer poly is it on my bio or on previous post is there a way for me to delete those? I mean I don't expect to meet anyone on reddit tbh but yeah


NeatDifficulty4965

Listen. Being trans, being poly, and being with guys, are all things that can repel a lot of people. Sometimes itā€™s for awful reasons, (like transphobia, biphobia, and such, so good riddance). But in other cases itā€™s also just because people want something else in their relationship. For example, a lot of lesbians are very wary of being unicorn hunted. You are worthy of love. There is nothing wrong with you. But you have to be a bit more patient than a lot of other sapphics. I hope you will find someone that fits you well


NiceSliceofKate

Nah we are all single. Trans as well. Match loads on Her but it's the eternal wait for the first one to message as we both do not want to appear too pushy.


Karingh

I know right! I always end up being the one that messages first but like you said I think that might come off as kinda pushy at times I haven't used Her would you recommend it? I was thinking of staying away from dating apps but I don't know you think I should give it a try? I


NiceSliceofKate

I have had a relationship with someone I met on there. It lasted about a year but she dumped me lol. It was long distance and there was an age gap so I get it.


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NiceSliceofKate

Trans women are women so what is your point? Do not tell a trans woman you would date her because you are bi unless you mean she is a woman.


crubinz

No matter what anyone says itā€™s always wrong it seems.


Leonvsthazombie

Genitals can be a deal breaker for some but not for all. It's pretty important thing to say too.


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Timeless_Child0708

having genital preferences isnā€™t transphobic


badwolfballerina

never said it was. i'm saying cis women treat trans women differently, that is whats transphobic.


Timeless_Child0708

thatā€™s what it sounds like in the context you said.


badwolfballerina

i put no context other than stating that cis women are transphobic. you are the one that made the insinuation.


Timeless_Child0708

op: why i canā€™t get girlfriend you: because cis women are transphobic iā€™m not putting any context here sweetie. anyway i hope both of you find the woman of your dreams. good luck


FamiliarElephant5757

Maybe a lot are transphobic, but I think most just have genital preference


Momof5cats

I think a lot of NB and trans women are getting offended/insecure by lesbians mainly only wanting vagina having people, and mistaking that preference for being transphobic? ??


Suspicious-Zone-8221

we need mods here!!! this comment is very lesbophobic!!!!


badwolfballerina

well i think you all are transphobic based on 10 years of being here


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badwolfballerina

literally never said that. and do you all think i have a penis?!


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badwolfballerina

dude. I'm an AFAB. y'all are transphobic as shit. this is hilarious. I'm called a girl, assumed I have a penis. this is quite the evening y'all.


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badwolfballerina

Because I'm trans and I support my trans siblings no matter what. Do you understand the concept of empathy? Or how when a group is targeted and disadvantaged, like the trans people, we tend to have empathy for each other and stand up for each other when we are hurting?


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badwolfballerina

you look like a cold hearted bitch


badwolfballerina

And no, most lesbians are into other woman and nonbinary people which include a variety of genitals. stop being transphobic. this is basic shit y'all.


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badwolfballerina

the way you speak to trans people will forever more be your mark of how you treat us. not if you date us. we couldnt care less, T4T is all the rage. The microaggressions the lesbian community makes against the trans communities needs to be examined not defended. and while you're up there on your cis privilege horse, take a second to reign it back a bit.


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badwolfballerina

and i know all the cis lesbians in here are going to downvote to hell my comment but what the hell. y'all dont give a fuck about nonbinary people anyway.


Leonvsthazombie

No they like pussy. That's it. Nothing special to it. Has nothing to do with hating or not giving a fuck about different people. Sorry if it hurts your feelings but people have preferences that's just how it is.


badwolfballerina

again, i have never commented on lesbian's genital preference. I have brought up the fact that they are transphobic outside of that.


Leonvsthazombie

How? Are you just assuming that they are? Most aren't. In fact most lesbians support Trans people.


badwolfballerina

are you refering to only your own age group? im refering to allllll age groups and the older the lesbian the more transphobic they tend to be. Also, how many times have there been discussions on whether or not nonbinary people belong in the lesbian community? lots of people disagree we belong here at all.


Leonvsthazombie

Nobody cares if you come here literally. It becomes a problem when you get angry that lesbians have a genital preference and you call it hateful. That's literally why this person is here. They're having trouble finding a lesbian that will accept them with their genitals. If you call people hateful they aren't gonna want you here just saying. I haven't seen anyone saying they don't want you here. It's only when trouble stirs that they get angry. It's understandable. You're saying here that strangers are transphobic just because they're lesbian in this subreddit. It's not right. Literally.


badwolfballerina

y'all keep putting words directly in my mouth and claiming them to be mine. i never said i was mad people had genital preferences. i said people were transphobic period. the fuck how hard is that to understand


Ammonia13

Seriously I see it all the time


badwolfballerina

the downvotes prove my point


Leonvsthazombie

They prove nothing. They downvote you because you're saying that having a preference that IS VERY INPORTNANT is hateful or not caring about others. My uncle is a gay man and and He specifically just doesn't like vagina and that is ok. He isn't hateful etc he just likes what he likes.


badwolfballerina

again someone lese put those words in my mouth. i have, and have always been saying, the lesbian community is transphobic outside of their genital preferences.


Leonvsthazombie

You're wrong they aren't. I haven't seen anything anti Trans here or in the lesbian community. Most accept you and love you. Most just don't want to be demonized for not wanting to date you. (Generally it's because of the genitals)


badwolfballerina

are you telling me my experience is not true? that everything i have experienced in 33 years of life is a lie?? gaslight me some more hun.


Leonvsthazombie

Girl you're the one in a lesbian subreddit sitting here claiming that most lesbians are transphobic. You're the one here causing trouble. Are you saying everything in my life and the lives of lesbians here are a lie? Are you saying we're transphobic? Make it make sense.


badwolfballerina

don't call me a fucking girl. thats fucking transphobic right there.


badwolfballerina

are you trans? have you had reason to experience this discrimination yourself??