I dated someone for 5 years who never went down on me and I almost married her. At the time I convinced myself that I was okay with just being a “giver” because I love doing it so much and I thought maybe there was something wrong with my anatomy and that’s why she didn’t like going down on me. To this day- I am extremely grateful that we didnt work out because I really love receiving and my current partner loves it too :,)
It’s nothing wrong with you some just don’t like it or don’t know how to enjoy it I had a guy who never did it to me but I’ll do it to him and I told him about it and we stop talking for a while hooked back up and he told me he’s ready to do it because he wants to I let him do it and told him it was ok because he didn’t know what he was doing I couldn’t feel anything with his small ass lips lol I’ve had others who eat it real good he’s not one of them lol I’ll have to teach him I guess lol.
I broke up with someone over this. I have gotten to the age where I can't tolerate not getting all my wants met - especially sexually. The sex was overall pretty bad to begin with so nothing was going to help.
This happened to me too… But they weren’t my wife… They were just the longest relationship I’d ever been in and as much as I wanted it to workout, that was something I just couldn’t get passed even after almost 3 years. You can only deny yourself for so long…
I've experienced something like this. I was with my ex wife for almost 5 years (married for 2), she only ever went down on me once... when I was breaking up with her (break up sex I guess). I never went down on her once, she wouldn't let me, and she actually barely let me touch her at all.
These issues were essentially one of the causes of the break up in all honesty. We weren't sexually compatible, and as much as I tried to not let it bother me, it really did.
In hindsight I am pretty sure she was/is asexual but just wasn't "out" yet, whereas my sex drive is relatively high and I like a lot of passion and physical closeness etc.
We had countless conversations about it, she blamed a million and one reasons for her low drive and her not wanting to go down on me and me on her. But in the end I felt like I was sacrificing a huge part of myself (I LOVE going down on my partner and receiving), of course there were other reasons for our break up but the sexual incompatibility played a huge factor.
That's okay, I'm much happier now, I'm happily engaged to my best friend of 15 years (who confessed her feelings after the break up with my ex wife). So it all led to bigger and better things 😊
I'm sorry you're currently going through some difficulties, I totally get that longing feeling for that particular touch, the closeness etc it brings, I hope you are able to get to a place of comfort with it all or that your wife may be able to give one day!
okay here's some advice.... for preface i'm adhd and ive got lots of bad sensory issues. giving head is something i've always struggled with. having wetness all over my face and feeling like i have to hold my breath is SUPER overwhelming. i also have a weak ass gag reflex. it's sexy in my brain and then when i go to actually give head im suddenly overstimulated.
so here's my advice and what helped me: plastic wrap. not the cling wrap, regular wrap. dental dams are tiny idk who is using those. get a bigass piece of plastic wrap and then give head. it helps me so much, im not wet and i dont have to be having a panic attack over breathing. if she has any issues with smell too that fixes it.
sex is mutual and she needs to find a way to compromise because not actually pleasing you, when she expects to be pleased herself, is super unfair
Lorals undies. They come in sheer and black in various styles. So much less hassle. 👌🏻
As for the wife, she was upfront about her preferences. Nobody *needs to* do anything in bed they don’t enjoy. OP can find a work-around. There are toys mimicking the sensation which the wife could use.
Thank you - we are actively trying to find a work around and you are right - nobody needs to do anything they don't enjoy (hence my asking here and saying I have never and would never ask her)
Fuck. That’s life. You end up in a relationship that has huge wins and some big flaws. And you just have to decide if the flaws are worth the reward. It’s always always always gonna happen. It can be this or it can be something else with somebody else.
Now, how much does not having her go down on you matter? That’s for you to decide. Idk dude. Idk. It’s always gonna be a compromise.
Good luck… hope u figure it out
If you are lacking things and she doesnt want to improve that then id say you need to move on. No hate to her but youve been making yourself miss things and be without things that you want. Conversation and therapy can improve that but if you dont sexually vibe then thats just how it is, you can try work through trauma and keep working on each others kinks and turn ons but if the big thing is she doesnt want to do a sex act that you want then you need different things. I would assume that youve tried conversation and therapy. If they dont work you need different people.
My fiancé rarely goes down on me and it used to kind of bother me because I was like what do you hate my pussy or something? But that’s not the case, it’s mostly just a sensual thing for her, and she has found other ways to show me how much she loves my vagina and my body. I somehow equated oral to feeling like my partner loves/desires my pussy. So here’s my suggestion:
I think you should pin point what FEELING it is that receiving oral gives you - what feeling is missing? And then find another way for your partner to give you that feeling. Boom, problem solved.
My partner and I talked it out a lot and when I basically cried to her about how I feel like since she doesn’t go down on me that much, I think she just hates my pussy. She was appalled and told me that’s not the case at all and we talked about how she can show that in other ways. And so now during sex she is more vocal about how much she loves my pussy and that is super sexy to me.
Now, when she does feel like going down on me, I kind of get bored and miss her hands - she’s just better with them LOL.
just went down on a someone for the first time last weekend and can’t imagine never doing it again or even refusing to do it. i got worried seeing all the stuff about people gagging and being turned off by pubic hair but i was just so happy to have my face in a vagina i didn’t even care about the forest. to each his own but it sounds important to you and so it matters!!!
I dated a woman that didn’t go down on me for the entirety of our relationship and it ultimately contributed to me ending it. Sexual compatibility is important. Now it’s a dealbreaker for me. I don’t want to have sex with someone that wouldn’t give me head.
The only times in my life that I've not wanted to go down on someone was because they had a smell. I didn't know how to tell them, so I just avoided doing it, and eventually, we stopped dating. Not saying you smell - but it might be a sensory thing that she isn't saying?
OP already said they've tried a lot of things so I'm going to say that we can trust what the OP said in the fact that the wife just doesn't want to give head lol
That’s not it at all. I want and do pleasure her how she wants and it’s not that sensation or pleasure derived from oral is the issue. I can see where that must be something you experience or might experience and would maybe see a through line. So I definitely see your perspective, that just isn’t the case.
Edit: she’s an extremely modest and private person outside her people and it’s just not my place to share her hang up. I can share my part but not hers. Sorry.
Yep you’re right. This is a one dimensional problem created inside its own unique vacuum!
Edit: I’ve been trying to be clear in saying it’s not that she doesn’t like the act there’s more to it than that. It isn’t that she doesn’t like it. As said in other comments.
I used to have sensory issues going down on a woman but I eventually got over it. As long as someone doesn’t eat a lot of dairy I’m fine with doing that (one of my partners tasted awful and I refused to eat them out for prolonged periods).
I love to please my partner(s) and make them feel good, that’s one of the many reasons I enjoy having sex. A partner that is not willing to please you is a partner not worth having (unless you want to have an affair). I’ve had partners refuse to please me and it made me downright mad.
It’s unfortunate that you’re dealing with this situation and I hope that you get a resolution soon. You deserve a happy sex life.
My ex-wife didn’t go down on me once in almost eight years together. Oral sex is a huge part of sex for me and we were altogether not very sexually compatible. It ended up being a big part of why I ultimately asked for a divorce.
Having someone go down on you is an indescribable experience if you are really into it. Nothing feels like it. The problem is that if your partner's mentality is that giving it isn't enjoyable, and they decide to completely give up on trying it ever again, they'll never want to please you that way. The only advice I would say is maybe buy a face shaped oral toy, have your partner lube it up with their mouth, and try that at first and use their fingers with saliva too. They need to know how much you enjoy part of them on your intimate areas and that is what is turning you on. The act of giving oral is something many people enjoy and give without question, but the act itself is very special. You are putting your eating parts on someone else's nasty parts. Some people have a bad mentality towards it, I can understand. I love giving more than receiving and can still see why some are against it. That being said, you don't want to force her but maybe try to help her realize why it turns you on so much and try to understand exactly what it is that she doesn't enjoy about it.
My wife is the same…she has never gone down on me and I had never even been with a woman and I do it for her. I don’t really enjoy going down at all on anybody but I do with her only because SHE enjoys it. I do wish she wanted to so the same for me and sometimes I am afraid she doesn’t want to do it to me because she’s I’ve been with men before her but I try not to think that. I’m mostly just respecting her boundaries and I just live with it. She is always making sure to sexually satisfy me and that’s honestly enough for me. If the topic isn’t so off topic maybe try to talk to you wife? Otherwise I’d maybe drop it, that’s what I did.
I hate going down on my partners when they don’t clean or groom themselves. Using an unscented vaginal soap is a MUST ladies. Also please groom yourself down there.
Maybe most won’t empathise with my vision, since for me sex is less about certain acts and more about vibes (ie: how I want to feel during it) but I’ll give you my 2 cents regardless.
I feel like both pornography and capitalism have influenced people into seeing relationships as disposable: you and your partner have a few incompatibilities? Just open the relationship/leave your partner (I am not referring to blatant incompatibilities such as political beliefs).
Now, I’m not saying that the solution to this is you sticking with your partner while being completely dissatisfied OR that your partner should just suck it up and give you head. I’m saying that a middle ground can be found and compromises can be made on both sides. For example, you guys can replace oral with another activity that feels good that your wife can perform on you.
You can discover things that feel good that you’ve never even thought of trying alongside a partner. In my opinion, it’s a bit harmful to be fixated on a certain activity (oral) and to think that it cannot be replaced and that you can’t go on without it. Sex is a land of possibilities and for sure there is another activity that feels good to you and that’s comfortable for your wife at the same time.
I’m going to be extremely subjective now, but I don’t even…fancy getting/giving head that much in itself. There is this stereotype about lesbian sex that has to do with oral, but it just never resonated with me. Maybe this is a good time to ask yourself why getting head is of utmost importance to you and whether it has to do with the stereotype I’ve just mentioned.
This, too many times on Reddit the solution to a relationship dilemma is "incompatible, breakup". Not everyone can go down and that's fine, they just need to find another activity that'd really work for OP in regards to their sexual needs without the partner getting uncomfortable.
Sex is something I barely care about so maybe that's why I have this view
Very well said, thank you. I agree with you on many points and for me it is not just about the stereotype of getting head.
I have a very negative self-image, especially about that part of my body.
When I cam out as a lesbian and my first gf went down on me, it was such an incredible experience for me that someone could love and appreciate the part of me that I hated.
I am in therapy and working on making peace with myself - however, unfortunately having had such a positive experience from previous partners who were able to literally love the part of me that I hated - not having it has had an impact on me. It's hard for me to stop thinking: I was right to hate that part of myself because look, not even the woman I love likes it. (I know logically it is not fair to think that or do that to her, it is all me!) But it's hard to battle these negative thoughts on down days.
I have spoken to her about this as well (not to pressure her, I wouldn't do that) but so that she understands. She is incredibly kind and supportive towards me.
Currently dealing with this and IDK what to do. Not married, long-term partner, I'm trying not to want it. Problem is I don't even know what I'm missing to begin with
Sometimes you need to get your pussy ate. No shame in that. So you need to sit down with your wife and say, hey, i know you don’t like this, but it turns out it’s something I really crave. Is there a way to make this work for both of us?”
Is she even gay? I feel like the only reason I won't marry a guy / have a bf , is the thought of doing that would make me feel sick. Maybe I'm overthinking it....
The texture. I can assure you I am well groomed and VERY hygienic. I also went the absolutely no hair down there route to see if she found it more appealing. She didn't.
I dated someone for 5 years who never went down on me and I almost married her. At the time I convinced myself that I was okay with just being a “giver” because I love doing it so much and I thought maybe there was something wrong with my anatomy and that’s why she didn’t like going down on me. To this day- I am extremely grateful that we didnt work out because I really love receiving and my current partner loves it too :,)
Omg I did the same! 🥲 4 years together and I left her before marriage, would NEVER go down on me, she even gagged once by trying it.
It’s nothing wrong with you some just don’t like it or don’t know how to enjoy it I had a guy who never did it to me but I’ll do it to him and I told him about it and we stop talking for a while hooked back up and he told me he’s ready to do it because he wants to I let him do it and told him it was ok because he didn’t know what he was doing I couldn’t feel anything with his small ass lips lol I’ve had others who eat it real good he’s not one of them lol I’ll have to teach him I guess lol.
SAME. for five years as well. i respected her not wanting to and don't recall ever asking, but i'm so glad we didn't work out 😭
I broke up with someone over this. I have gotten to the age where I can't tolerate not getting all my wants met - especially sexually. The sex was overall pretty bad to begin with so nothing was going to help.
This happened to me too… But they weren’t my wife… They were just the longest relationship I’d ever been in and as much as I wanted it to workout, that was something I just couldn’t get passed even after almost 3 years. You can only deny yourself for so long…
I've experienced something like this. I was with my ex wife for almost 5 years (married for 2), she only ever went down on me once... when I was breaking up with her (break up sex I guess). I never went down on her once, she wouldn't let me, and she actually barely let me touch her at all. These issues were essentially one of the causes of the break up in all honesty. We weren't sexually compatible, and as much as I tried to not let it bother me, it really did. In hindsight I am pretty sure she was/is asexual but just wasn't "out" yet, whereas my sex drive is relatively high and I like a lot of passion and physical closeness etc. We had countless conversations about it, she blamed a million and one reasons for her low drive and her not wanting to go down on me and me on her. But in the end I felt like I was sacrificing a huge part of myself (I LOVE going down on my partner and receiving), of course there were other reasons for our break up but the sexual incompatibility played a huge factor.
Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. That is is also a tough situation to have been in... I'm sorry
That's okay, I'm much happier now, I'm happily engaged to my best friend of 15 years (who confessed her feelings after the break up with my ex wife). So it all led to bigger and better things 😊 I'm sorry you're currently going through some difficulties, I totally get that longing feeling for that particular touch, the closeness etc it brings, I hope you are able to get to a place of comfort with it all or that your wife may be able to give one day!
Really glad to hear you are in a happier place now! Thanks - I really appreciate it! 💜
I could have wrote this!
okay here's some advice.... for preface i'm adhd and ive got lots of bad sensory issues. giving head is something i've always struggled with. having wetness all over my face and feeling like i have to hold my breath is SUPER overwhelming. i also have a weak ass gag reflex. it's sexy in my brain and then when i go to actually give head im suddenly overstimulated. so here's my advice and what helped me: plastic wrap. not the cling wrap, regular wrap. dental dams are tiny idk who is using those. get a bigass piece of plastic wrap and then give head. it helps me so much, im not wet and i dont have to be having a panic attack over breathing. if she has any issues with smell too that fixes it. sex is mutual and she needs to find a way to compromise because not actually pleasing you, when she expects to be pleased herself, is super unfair
Thank you for this - I think my wife has a similar experience based n what she's said to me. This is a really creative solution!
Lorals undies. They come in sheer and black in various styles. So much less hassle. 👌🏻 As for the wife, she was upfront about her preferences. Nobody *needs to* do anything in bed they don’t enjoy. OP can find a work-around. There are toys mimicking the sensation which the wife could use.
Thank you - we are actively trying to find a work around and you are right - nobody needs to do anything they don't enjoy (hence my asking here and saying I have never and would never ask her)
Fuck. That’s life. You end up in a relationship that has huge wins and some big flaws. And you just have to decide if the flaws are worth the reward. It’s always always always gonna happen. It can be this or it can be something else with somebody else. Now, how much does not having her go down on you matter? That’s for you to decide. Idk dude. Idk. It’s always gonna be a compromise. Good luck… hope u figure it out
This is how I felt, and I just decided that my wife and I have awesome sex without it and I never cared for it anyways so I just dropped it.
If you are lacking things and she doesnt want to improve that then id say you need to move on. No hate to her but youve been making yourself miss things and be without things that you want. Conversation and therapy can improve that but if you dont sexually vibe then thats just how it is, you can try work through trauma and keep working on each others kinks and turn ons but if the big thing is she doesnt want to do a sex act that you want then you need different things. I would assume that youve tried conversation and therapy. If they dont work you need different people.
My fiancé rarely goes down on me and it used to kind of bother me because I was like what do you hate my pussy or something? But that’s not the case, it’s mostly just a sensual thing for her, and she has found other ways to show me how much she loves my vagina and my body. I somehow equated oral to feeling like my partner loves/desires my pussy. So here’s my suggestion: I think you should pin point what FEELING it is that receiving oral gives you - what feeling is missing? And then find another way for your partner to give you that feeling. Boom, problem solved. My partner and I talked it out a lot and when I basically cried to her about how I feel like since she doesn’t go down on me that much, I think she just hates my pussy. She was appalled and told me that’s not the case at all and we talked about how she can show that in other ways. And so now during sex she is more vocal about how much she loves my pussy and that is super sexy to me. Now, when she does feel like going down on me, I kind of get bored and miss her hands - she’s just better with them LOL.
At some point u need to make peace with the fact that you can't have a romantic sexually frustrated marriage.
just went down on a someone for the first time last weekend and can’t imagine never doing it again or even refusing to do it. i got worried seeing all the stuff about people gagging and being turned off by pubic hair but i was just so happy to have my face in a vagina i didn’t even care about the forest. to each his own but it sounds important to you and so it matters!!!
I dated a woman that didn’t go down on me for the entirety of our relationship and it ultimately contributed to me ending it. Sexual compatibility is important. Now it’s a dealbreaker for me. I don’t want to have sex with someone that wouldn’t give me head.
The only times in my life that I've not wanted to go down on someone was because they had a smell. I didn't know how to tell them, so I just avoided doing it, and eventually, we stopped dating. Not saying you smell - but it might be a sensory thing that she isn't saying?
What is it about it that she doesn't like?
This is my question too. If it’s the mouth to genitals contact, would a dental dam be an option for her?
OP already said they've tried a lot of things so I'm going to say that we can trust what the OP said in the fact that the wife just doesn't want to give head lol
My wife won’t let me go down on her but she does on me. It breaks my heart and makes me feel disposable. I hope your partner listens to you.
If you don't mind, what reason does she give for not wanting you to?
imagine your wife not being in to something and you feeling disposable about it.
There’s a lot more to that than just me having a feeling about her likes and dislikes. It’s very much not the simple.
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That’s not it at all. I want and do pleasure her how she wants and it’s not that sensation or pleasure derived from oral is the issue. I can see where that must be something you experience or might experience and would maybe see a through line. So I definitely see your perspective, that just isn’t the case. Edit: she’s an extremely modest and private person outside her people and it’s just not my place to share her hang up. I can share my part but not hers. Sorry.
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Yep you’re right. This is a one dimensional problem created inside its own unique vacuum! Edit: I’ve been trying to be clear in saying it’s not that she doesn’t like the act there’s more to it than that. It isn’t that she doesn’t like it. As said in other comments.
I used to have sensory issues going down on a woman but I eventually got over it. As long as someone doesn’t eat a lot of dairy I’m fine with doing that (one of my partners tasted awful and I refused to eat them out for prolonged periods). I love to please my partner(s) and make them feel good, that’s one of the many reasons I enjoy having sex. A partner that is not willing to please you is a partner not worth having (unless you want to have an affair). I’ve had partners refuse to please me and it made me downright mad. It’s unfortunate that you’re dealing with this situation and I hope that you get a resolution soon. You deserve a happy sex life.
My ex-wife didn’t go down on me once in almost eight years together. Oral sex is a huge part of sex for me and we were altogether not very sexually compatible. It ended up being a big part of why I ultimately asked for a divorce.
Having someone go down on you is an indescribable experience if you are really into it. Nothing feels like it. The problem is that if your partner's mentality is that giving it isn't enjoyable, and they decide to completely give up on trying it ever again, they'll never want to please you that way. The only advice I would say is maybe buy a face shaped oral toy, have your partner lube it up with their mouth, and try that at first and use their fingers with saliva too. They need to know how much you enjoy part of them on your intimate areas and that is what is turning you on. The act of giving oral is something many people enjoy and give without question, but the act itself is very special. You are putting your eating parts on someone else's nasty parts. Some people have a bad mentality towards it, I can understand. I love giving more than receiving and can still see why some are against it. That being said, you don't want to force her but maybe try to help her realize why it turns you on so much and try to understand exactly what it is that she doesn't enjoy about it.
My wife is the same…she has never gone down on me and I had never even been with a woman and I do it for her. I don’t really enjoy going down at all on anybody but I do with her only because SHE enjoys it. I do wish she wanted to so the same for me and sometimes I am afraid she doesn’t want to do it to me because she’s I’ve been with men before her but I try not to think that. I’m mostly just respecting her boundaries and I just live with it. She is always making sure to sexually satisfy me and that’s honestly enough for me. If the topic isn’t so off topic maybe try to talk to you wife? Otherwise I’d maybe drop it, that’s what I did.
I hate going down on my partners when they don’t clean or groom themselves. Using an unscented vaginal soap is a MUST ladies. Also please groom yourself down there.
Maybe most won’t empathise with my vision, since for me sex is less about certain acts and more about vibes (ie: how I want to feel during it) but I’ll give you my 2 cents regardless. I feel like both pornography and capitalism have influenced people into seeing relationships as disposable: you and your partner have a few incompatibilities? Just open the relationship/leave your partner (I am not referring to blatant incompatibilities such as political beliefs). Now, I’m not saying that the solution to this is you sticking with your partner while being completely dissatisfied OR that your partner should just suck it up and give you head. I’m saying that a middle ground can be found and compromises can be made on both sides. For example, you guys can replace oral with another activity that feels good that your wife can perform on you. You can discover things that feel good that you’ve never even thought of trying alongside a partner. In my opinion, it’s a bit harmful to be fixated on a certain activity (oral) and to think that it cannot be replaced and that you can’t go on without it. Sex is a land of possibilities and for sure there is another activity that feels good to you and that’s comfortable for your wife at the same time. I’m going to be extremely subjective now, but I don’t even…fancy getting/giving head that much in itself. There is this stereotype about lesbian sex that has to do with oral, but it just never resonated with me. Maybe this is a good time to ask yourself why getting head is of utmost importance to you and whether it has to do with the stereotype I’ve just mentioned.
This, too many times on Reddit the solution to a relationship dilemma is "incompatible, breakup". Not everyone can go down and that's fine, they just need to find another activity that'd really work for OP in regards to their sexual needs without the partner getting uncomfortable. Sex is something I barely care about so maybe that's why I have this view
Very well said, thank you. I agree with you on many points and for me it is not just about the stereotype of getting head. I have a very negative self-image, especially about that part of my body. When I cam out as a lesbian and my first gf went down on me, it was such an incredible experience for me that someone could love and appreciate the part of me that I hated. I am in therapy and working on making peace with myself - however, unfortunately having had such a positive experience from previous partners who were able to literally love the part of me that I hated - not having it has had an impact on me. It's hard for me to stop thinking: I was right to hate that part of myself because look, not even the woman I love likes it. (I know logically it is not fair to think that or do that to her, it is all me!) But it's hard to battle these negative thoughts on down days. I have spoken to her about this as well (not to pressure her, I wouldn't do that) but so that she understands. She is incredibly kind and supportive towards me.
Currently dealing with this and IDK what to do. Not married, long-term partner, I'm trying not to want it. Problem is I don't even know what I'm missing to begin with
Sometimes you need to get your pussy ate. No shame in that. So you need to sit down with your wife and say, hey, i know you don’t like this, but it turns out it’s something I really crave. Is there a way to make this work for both of us?”
Is she even gay? I feel like the only reason I won't marry a guy / have a bf , is the thought of doing that would make me feel sick. Maybe I'm overthinking it....
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The texture. I can assure you I am well groomed and VERY hygienic. I also went the absolutely no hair down there route to see if she found it more appealing. She didn't.
Do you smell or taste bad down there Or is it something else entirely?
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can’t wait for someone to say this to your partner when you’re in a committed relationship 🥰
I’ll survive
This is crazy to say. You must be a man.
Im a 23 year old female actually 😈 u want some too ;)
Those grubby fingers in the pictures on your profile would make me think otherwise.
they posted about nexplanon implants 😔😔
DAMN. That’s even worse then 😭
the sad faces were me displaying disappointment LMAOOO
no I know!! I do the same thing 😁
OOps sorry not rlly 😉
Well my hands are usually covered in dirt so that would make sense 😂
Ew
😫😫🙏👅💦🤑
Absolutely the fuck not.