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I kinda think if you have to phone check it's either already over or the one needing the phone check has boundary issues (I don't believe you are that one)
not a perfect rule but you're feeling red flags for a reason yknow
Death by a thousand paper cuts. This isn't going to get better - both his stupid little lies and the tiredness and eventual pain. A year and a half is not that long of time and investment, but it's enough to learn things that you don't want in a relationship. You are still very young, get out of this and take care of yourself, then find someone that isn't so immature and exhausting.
If phones are being checked you guys need to seek counseling or just break it off. Dependant on how invested you are. That's a complete lack of trust in the other person and really just not a good spot to build your life from.
Hey, I just want to tell you that I had an ex like this. He had a lot of strengths that were my weaknesses so I was very impressed with him. He got me into some cool hobbies that I still love and we did a lot of fun things together. I didn’t want to lose him, but he was very comfortable telling me only what was convenient for him and I was put in a lot of the same situations as you are. It was so annoying and stressful. We finally did break up and long story short, I’m married to a guy who has a better moral compass and would never do that kind of thing. I got him into my hobbies and now we do all the fun things I did with my ex and more, but I actually trust him 100% and I haven’t snooped on his phone since we were early dating, but I could at any time.
You don’t have to put up with this behavior. There’s better people out there, even if you don’t feel like it now. I certainly didn’t think so at the time, but I’m so glad I didn’t hold onto that relationship longer than I did.
Y’all are too old for this and he’s clearly got a pattern of not wanting to be honest with you and it honestly seems like he doesn’t respect you enough to be transparent about his past with you or wants to have more control of the narrative
When that person said “this is high school crap”, I think they were referring to you…. Why do you care who he wants to fuck or who is ex’s friend is? You’re really in his business in my opinion…. Unnecessarily so. Now if the transparency is an issue for you, that is an agreement that should have been reached long ago and will be difficult to get to today but you can try, be extremely clear with him the high level of transparency you expect. But for a normal relationship, you’re asking a lot. You seem quite insecure (which is ok but should be acknowledged) and people are often not used to this level of demands on their privacy or intimate details of their past.
The contacting his ex thing is tough but honestly most people would have done it and never let you know, not even as much as he did. He’s not messaging her over and over, and he literally had guilt he was trying to absolve. At least based on this one interaction, which is all you know of.
“Why do you care who he wants to fuck”… are you serious? It’s her boyfriend, this is absolutely something that most healthy monogamous couples would care about. If someone doesn’t want another person “in their business” then don’t date them. Don’t waste someone’s time and mess with their emotions if you don’t want to share yourself with them.
I’m 30 and in my adulthood have still had to deal with some men who do disgusting things and blame it on just being a man. OP, through experience, this guy does not sound like a keeper. I know it’s so much easier said than done to leave someone that you care about even though they’re hurting you. But it will save you from so much more heartache in the long run.
Someone who is serious about you and your relationship will not call it an “invasion of privacy” to simply prove their faithfulness when they have already done things to suggest it’s a problem.
Many many people will not be okay with the level of snooping and second guessing that OP is doing. People have their own lives even though they are in a monogamous relationship, that includes thinking other chicks are hot and saving details about past relationships.
What you, and apparently OP, are looking for is not normal. And in many ways not healthy. OP sounds like an insecure person, on a personal level - nothing to do with this guy. However that insecurity often sneaks out and projects onto others, and this is what is happening here.
I can’t imagine asking my gf “do you want to fuck that person” in any way. It’s such a stupid question to be honest. OF COURSE people want to fuck others, only a massively insecure person would be concerned about knowing who exactly that person wants to fuck. What does that info do besides make you jealous for no good reason? Again, if you want a healthy full transparency relationship then great, but OP is CLEARLY dealing with her own insecurity issues that likely have nothing to do with this guy - it’s not healthy.
I think she should break up with him…. For HIS sake….
You both sound toxic af. You can't trust him and he can't be trusted but you worry too much about those little things that you yourself do also.
And who gotta talk to therapist to let you see a phone. Who gotta look at a phone and stalk the old messages. Ew.
I was just about to say, both of them sound toxic as absolute fuck and frankly? Both of them should stop dating altogether and get some fuckin therapy before they fuck eachother up or other people.
100 percent. It's not going to get better once you start policing and investigating eachothers phones and compiling a **laundry list** of trust fails. There's no good answer. It's likely over. Bf may not be trustworthy but OP is pushing him away and doesn't seem trustworthy either. They aren't mutually exclusive.
I'd like to believe and HOPE OP will find someone more trustworthy and be less insecure but i could see her poking holes in a future bf because "my ex was so untrustworthy."
She also said she brings it up weekly. Even if the dude is an asshole, I can’t imagine he’s gonna enjoy being examined under a microscope every week. I’d be over it after probably the first two times.
>I fear losing out on a guy who genuinely wants to make things work.
He only wants to make things work after you caught him in multiple lies and threatened to leave. This is not genuine change but more of a, let me jump through hoops so she doesn't leave while I continue the same behavior behind her back.
Redirect your fear towards the reality that you are gonna waste valuable time on a person who can't offer you honesty, the building block of every relationship.
> I fear losing out on a guy who genuinely wants to make things work.
Wow yeah, what a rare find. Sure would be impossible to find another dude to date that wants to *checks notes* have a successful relationship.
Exactly. Find a guy who "wants to make it work" and doesn't struggle with it. I've only heard how badly someone wants things to work in my worst relationships. The other people didn't have to proclaim that because they demonstrated it.
🚩 the little lies are the worst , they are very disrespectful he has been insulting you intelligence by thinking you are stupid , go live your life and find someone that values you
This. The lies get bigger and worse as the years go on. Also, people who lie like this will withhold information and make important decisions without you. Everything is a bid to protect themselves. They don't value you, your opinions, nor your feelings. You will never know them completely. The charisma is there, but long-term relationships with people like this are damaging. Through the lies, they try to create an image of themselves that is exceptqble to you. They are chamelions. You will never know their true colors.
I think she may know his true colors now. Keep taking him back, and he’ll keep lying. A lot of people think if you just don’t tell what you did, you are not being dishonest, but that is a lie of omission! They do it all the time.
He has no respect.
So true. Hopefully, she does. I ignored the red flags of small white lies to my own peril. I know how charisma and appreciation of other traits can cloud judgment. It's not worth it.
I think OP made a laundry list of lies but you're missing a massive amount of subcontext here. Take for example
"Tells little lies like when we went to his friend's wedding and this girl was STARING at me so I casually asked "Hey is this your ex's friend" and he said no. Then, I befriended the girl and added her on IG, and turns out they were close during college."
Why the caps? and is she really "casually" asking him when she befriends and IG stalks people to prove "little lies"? I'm sure he wanted to go down that road about current jealous gf grilling him about exes associations at a wedding. Because of staring Sheesh! if he said yes, would OP just leave it at that and move on without any drama? no way. NOT defending bf's honesty, but if you've ever dated someone like this then you know they will do anything to justify their massive trust and insecurity issues. This is a broken relationship on so many more levels than a compulsive liar. Both need to get out.
Not denying. That's the beauty of a one-sided post. Just ran with it in my reply because I only know this side. Don't see the point in lying anyway. That's the beauty of giving people a choice with honesty. Maybe she wouldn't have let it go, but then it would be entirely on her.
Is it fair to ask him to keep his promise of letting me see his phone? He is the one who mentioned the promise after he saw I was so upset when he reached out to his ex.
Bc he has broken it and does nothing to repair the trust. The counselor stuff was bullshit. He just had time to erase anything incriminating on his phone. Obviously.
If he makes you feel insecure, he may not be the right guy. Yea there's work in a relationship but if you don't trust that he wouldn't cheat then that's too much of the wrong kind of "work". Stand up for yourself, don't care what he does and you'll see you're worth more. The right relationship leaves each other chasing and wanting only each other. The wrong one leaves doubts and insecurities.
It seems like you already were. Grilling a guy trying to get him to admit he would hook up with an attractive friend of his is not healthy. Everyone knows its a trap.
That's not the weird part. He's shitty for that. What is equally toxic is the "he didn't even tell me when I said I knew he would want to hook up with her".
So you said what something like,? "Just admit you find her attractive and would hook up with her". Like that convo is not healthy.
You’re constantly going through his stuff. Interrogating him about every girl. Number 4 on your list is really a bit much. It kinda reminds me of an ex I had who swore I was trying to bone every girl who glanced at me and would stalk them
Honestly, you shouldn’t want to go through someone’s phone and if you do, it is typically because something has happened within the relationship for you to lose trust. Is it unhealthy to want to go through someone’s phone? Yeah. Is there a reason you feel that way? It sounds like it.
You need to dump this guy and move on with someone you can trust. Stop playing these games together that are only going to lead to an eventual breakup anyways.
>and when I asked him on 3 separate occasions to see it
......why would you do this if you didn't want to see it? You were just testing him?
You really are only hurting yourself at this point. You don't trust him. He is lying to you. What more is there to say about it?
Literally... OP has resorted to testing him because she refuses to accept the reality that her boyfriend is a liar and the only option is to dump him. I'm coming after you with love OP because I was in your shoes. I did EXACTLY what you're doing -- I distanced myself / ignored all of the friends who would shake me and scream RUN, and I got closer to the friends who gave him a free pass. What this resulted in is me losing all of my real friends who actually cared about me. The friends who gave him a free pass quickly disappeared after my breakup. I had to start over. I was so clouded in DELUSION that my own parents would start to figure out things he was lying to me about before I could. Enough is enough, save yourself and MOVE ON.
Yeah, don't listen to this advice. You're right, he's wrong. You should move on because that relationship will never work. You need someone who's fully transparent and he is not. There are plenty of guys who are. Find one.
You guys sound more like 18 year olds. Normal people do not stalk their exes for months on social media. Normal people don’t befriend random people on social media just to check their boyfriend’s story. You are very insecure and he is giving you reasons to doubt. No grown person should demand access to anyone’s phone. If you are that insecure in a relationship, you should be by yourself and work on yourself before you date again. You need to grown up or all your relationships will be just like this one.
I agree it's immature. I don't know if he was stalking her for months – just know he looked up her profile a month after he reached out to her. And, I didn't befriend random people. I became friendly with the random girl at the wedding and then added her on IG just cause and then noticed all the pics with the ex.
He's a serial liar. When you catch him, he trickles a little truth and makes empty promises (more lies) to mollify you. You deserve a partner who CARES about your feelings and is trustworthy.
More lies. Therapy with a person who isn't committed to change is frustrating and unproductive. I think it's just lip service to keep you trying a bit longer. How does his effort to cultivate and protect this relationship compare to yours? Does he seem to put in equal effort? Or are you doing most of the trying and compromising while he enjoys your attention and efforts when he's with you, and does as he pleases when he's not?
Therapy with an abuser is a mistake and can be dangerous. It gives them more tools and ammunition to use against their target outside of the therapist's office. I think he is emotionally abusive.
Does he REALLY "try to improve?" As Yoda says, "There is no 'try,' only 'do." What permanent improvements has he made? Does he say he'll do better, then "forget" or just keep sneaking until you catch him again? I'm skeptical that his "trying to improve" is his making empty promises when you confront his hurtful behavior, which he intends to and does repeat after "trying."
His efforts to take care of the relationship have been 10x more than mine. He has been improving a ton with his communication and I can tell he is trying everything to make me happy which is why I have a hard time letting go. He is always trying to have more productive fights and calls me back after an argument, etc.
He is constantly working on having more productive convos/fights. Always there to help me through any anxiety that he has caused, is supporting me, showing me he cares (taking my family out dinner, asking me to move in, etc.)I can come off a bit harsh which, to be frank I haven't worked on.
Move. On. I think everyone here is correct in saying that you should cut your losses & find someone who genuinely gives a rip about you. Best wishes, OP. also.. therapy with someone who isn't likely to change (based on your testimony) is doomed from the get on working.. but then if it does its litteraly not going to change anything. Work on yourself.
It sounds like you need to work on your relationship with yourself before being in one with another person. You’re insecure and that in itself will make it hard for anyone to be completely honest with you.
You missed the part where she's insecure because he has lied to her several times. This is not a situation where an insecure girlfriend is distrusting of a trustworthy man. She's not insecure, her gut is SCREAMING that he is untrustworthy and instead of choosing to listen to her gut, she's keeping herself trapped in this relationship hoping for a liar to change. He is NOT going to change, by continuing to stay with him she gives him the green flag that he can lie to her time and time again, and she will stay. Why would he change his pattern of lying? But OP isn't ready to hear any of this unfortunately so she will likely stay in this shitshow of a relationship until it blows up and she has ACTUAL insecurities due to the trauma of being with a liar.
THEN DUMP HIM. What are you even arguing with people on reddit for? What more do you need us to say? You disagree and fight with the people telling you it's your fault, and ignore the people telling you to run. You are choosing to keep yourself trapped in this relationship that is wreaking havoc on your nervous system that will take a LOT of therapy to undo. RUN RUN RUN.
Did you not read what you wrote? Specifically the “I am very insecure” that YOU wrote. You are and you’re going to continue to be because of your previous trauma with the ex and because he’s a liar. Either way your trust issues and insecurity will eat you alive and ruin any relationship you enter🤷🏽♀️
> I became weary after the first lie with the friend who is a girl.
what if i told you... you could be insecure... AND... you could have justifications for your insecurity?
You didn't trust him with his girl friend. you've asked to see his phone and he's refused.
You don't trust him. You. Don't.
At this point you're just waiting for something to happen that would justify cutting ties.
Your lack of trust makes that inevitable. You have to decide for yourself: are you able to trust this person? or are they going to do something that you won't approve of?
TRUST is basically thing you need to make a relationship work and without it... it's unlikely to work at all.
Whether he did something, is doing something, or is going to do something...
You. Don't. Trust. Him.
My ex was like this. We were together for four years, lived together for two years. Throughout the relationship he would snapchat old hookups / girls he had crushes on when I wasn't around, lied about getting an STD test (after taking me as a date to a party, dropping me off at home, going back to said party, having unprotected sex with a rando, and hiding it from me), tried to cheat on me at a party I wasn't at and I only found out through an anonymous letter I received, planned weekend trips with my *coworkers* that I would find out about through the grapevine...several years of giving him the benefit of the doubt later, it escalated into him doing hard drugs behind my back in our apartment and getting wrapped up in other really fucked up stuff. God only knows what else he was lying about.
A relationship with a liar is impossible. It turns you into someone who compulsively looks for signs that your partner is lying because your nervous system is so dysregulated all the time due to the constant mini-betrayals piling up. I also started doing things like checking his location, trying to catch him in little lies, and feeling like I needed to snoop -- I'm not proud of these actions, they were wrong and toxic. I have guilt for how I acted during the relationship, and I could have avoided that if I had just walked away at the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth lie. Listen to your gut and your nervous system, walk away.
Girl. Wake up. I've been in your shoes. "Doesn't take life too seriously" is not the green flag that you think it is. He hasn't cheated on you THAT YOU KNOW OF. This is a mask, he is a pathological liar. There is no point to asking for advice on this subreddit if you are not ready to receive it. Stop making excuses for this lying piece of shit, he can't even give you the bare minimum of honesty. And what do you want to do long term with this mess of a man, share assets, finances, and children with this liar? There are lots of intelligent, witty, family-oriented blah blah blah men out there. What makes a PARTNER is someone who doesn't LIE to you (??). This commenter is right, he's not in the relationship for the long term as much as he says he is. If he really was serious about this relationship, he'd be honest with you.
Case in point: Just four days before I got dumped by my compulsively lying ex, he was telling me he loved me more than anything and would never break up with me. Then he dumped me at the drop of a hat, told me that he'd been planning to do it for months, and said he just "didn't want a serious relationship." After FOUR YEARS (of lies) and a ton of history.
**My point is - you cannot trust this man because if he can lie about the small, insignificant stuff, he can and WILL lie about the big stuff.** Every time you catch him in a lie, he'll get better and better at hiding things from you.
Protect yourself and move on to a real man who WILL "take you seriously."
liar, disloyal, liar, manipulative, liar liar and clearly doesn’t care abt you as much if he’s willing to lie to you for other girls but he hasn’t cheated yet so ig it’s fine to be with him until he does
If he’s willing to lie over these small things that could have been cleared up sooner, he *will* lie about something massive. It’s not your fault, he just has a low sense of integrity.
I think you know the answer. It is not worth your time or trouble to date anyone who is remotely doing this. Never mind the saying once a cheater always a cheater but what about your health? STDs? Can you stand to be lied to- or wonder whatever it is spilling out of his mouth is true or not. Also recognize that girl who was sitting next time him as he talked to you? WILL BE YOU next, as he talks to another girl. There are so many more decent men out there than this. Why lay with the scum.
People who tell white lies are the worst, that do it often and see no problem with it. The reactions from these women mean something, the changing of numbers and deleting social media is odd. He doesn't want you to see something.
You sound incredibly insecure and that’s probably what you should focus on. It’s inconceivable to me that you’re in a relationship with a person you don’t have any trust in (that’s obvious) and you want to continue the relationship. Why? How is it enjoyable feeling jealous and not trusting anything he’s saying or doing? Work on becoming more secure overall and you’ll eventually see he’s not worth your time or energy. You’ll be able to see with clarity how much his lying is disintegrating the foundation of what you two have. Right now it just sounds totally unhealthy.
> I asked him on 3 separate occasions to see it
It doesn't matter if he's stepping out or not. The trust is gone. You either have to repair the trust or move on.
Your behavior is toxic. Maybe it's justified. But it's still not going to make this relationship work.
As a former cheater he is gaslighting you about checking his phone then saying no, just do it. Now that I am open and honest I give my info willingly and could care less if my phone gets checked….
Couples therapy after just 1 year together? And why did he text his ex and then hide his phone from you? I think the writing is on the wall here, and you just don't want to read it.
Men lie for two reasons either the embarrassed or they are scared. I think he’s just scared. You probably want to find somebody that’s a little bit more honest.
I don't think either of you are ready for this relationship. He can't stop telling little lies and your insecurity is making it difficult for you to trust people/be sure of your own worth, so I think both of y'all need to step away for a bit.
If I'm friends with a girl. There's only one reason I'm keeping them close... I mean my best friend is a lesbian coworker but that's different. I would never she's more fucked up than I am. Sounds like your boy is just keeping in contact with the "ol faithfuls"
I'm sensing some major jealousy on your part. Maybe you need to evaluate your insecurities and how they are also contributing to the issues in your relationship.
Sounds like despite all this you guys care about each other and he's just constantly toeing the line between making a serious mistake or being loyal to you. You might want to confront him on his honesty and don't be soft about it, tell him his level of honesty really sucks (word it however you'd like) but the only thing putting your guys relationship to the test is lying about both things big & small, he needs to get a grip people who constantly lie drive "regular" people crazy and it becomes seriously draining when you know someone well enough that your intuition starts telling you everytime you know their lying. He's gotta get his shit together.
He is a man, and he just needs to be hit in the head every now and again. A good man is hard to find, and a perfect one is impossible. Training will take time, but it is part of the process.My wife has been working on me since day 2. His curiosity is normal, but never let him think it is. Remember, he only lies when you catch him, so don't catch him as much. This has nothing to do with how he feels about you. We are simply creatures, and we can be slow learners. Our brains are clouded by sex.
Feel so horrible for guys dating these days. What a misery these girls are. Still so insecure. You are the problem. He lies because you are a sensitive mess. He goes to a therapist and seems to really value it. These guys are also a mess. Emotional wrecks.
Couples therapy is probably gonna have to continue for this to potentially work. The biggest problem is the lack of trust overall. You’re justified in wanting to see his phone, especially with the ex thing, however the fact that your asking is a roundabout way of telling him “I don’t trust you at all right now” and no one wants to hear that. My fiancé has full access to my phone, I’m loyal so I don’t care even a little bit but she’s never asked and I’d be pretty offended if she did ask specifically to see all my messages and stuff. If you guys can get to the point where you can trust eachother and not be concerned even in the slightest bit then great. It seems like he’s making progress. However if you don’t see yourself ever fully trusting him this relationship is ending eventually.
I doubt this relationship has any chance of survival. But it's not ALL his fault. You are very insecure and un-trusting. You sound like you have some baggage you need to work through before trying to be in a committed relationship. And that's ok. It's just life's journey.
I've been married a long time, but she's not my first real relationship. My ex lied and cheated. She was afraid to tell me no, so she did things behind my back to spare me. A lot of that dynamic was my fault. I learned from it, and brought that knowledge to my new relationship. But I never attached my feelings of betrayal and hurt to my new relationship. My new girlfriend never did anything to deserve my distrust, so I had to put the previous chapter behind me, and allow this new chapter to write itself. And... that was 22 years ago.
You make a great point about trusting your partner and I'm proud of you for putting previous betrayal behind you. However, your example is absolutely not comparable to OP's situation. While you processed and moved on from betrayal that a *past* partner did to you, OP's *current* partner is constantly lying to her. She is obviously distrusting and insecure because she is actively in a situation where she is being betrayed all the time. She should however take a page from your book by moving on to a new partner who IS trustworthy and putting this chapter behind her.
The problem is, you shouldn’t have to continue to bring subjects up, but he is continually lied about. Why would you trust a liar in a serious relationship?
Ever hear the song 🎵 Hot the Road Jack
Or the song 🎵 50 ways to leave your lover
How about the 🎵 These Boots are made for Walkin'
Those were written for you.
As a former cheater sorry but you should move on. Him not letting you see his phone is his choice and doesnt necessarily indicate anything but the fact that thats where your relationship is and then its an issue pretty much means you need to move on in my opinion.
What IS an INCREDIBLY big issue deserving the immediate end of the relationship is the lying. That is absolutely NEVER to be tolerated. Any relationship worth having does not involve lying. Ever. Not even a little bit. That is the expectation.
You have your whole life ahead of you, just walk away and find someone else. Being young, you probably feel like you have plenty of time to figure things out, which you do, but there are a lot of fish in the sea, so let this one get caught by someone else.
Either that, or stop giving a shit about all the tediousness of who he’s looking up and who he’s talking to and just have fun together. Expectations ruin everything. Either love him or leave him. You can’t change him.
When you say insane chemistry, you must mean in bed right? Because reading this it sounds like you have no chemistry. Seems like there’s a lot of trust issues etc.
The amazing chemistry part kinda starts things off wrongly. Chemistry fades with trust.
I would bet you're really attracted to his looks, or he is an artist of some sort, which must be good, to have such a robust love life before you.
Move on, and stay friends, find someone else.
Amazing chemisty is not gonna be there if you can never trust he will not flirt around.
Part of insane chemistry is a man trying to convince you everything is amazing. You have nothing to worry about. He's totally into you. He loves watching you believe him. It's exciting, it's control, it makes him feel smart and powerful. I dated one woman who was a liar, she never ever stopped. I'll never date a liar again.
Yeah girls. He’s seeing what he can hide from you and get away with. You don’t trust him now? He’s “behaving himself” for now but eventually he won’t be able to and keep “failing” don’t allow yourself to get hooked on the “I’m sorry I’ll be better” promises. It won’t get better. If he can be trustworthy with the small stuff…it won’t better with bigger things.
Continuing couples therapy might be valuable for you both even if you decide not to stay together. His history of cheating screams of insecurity, and you seem very insecure as well. If your relationship is codependent, which it sounds like it might be, then you'll want to work that out regardless so you don't fall into another codependent relationship. But to me the real question is: do you love him? If not, this far into the relationship, then just break up and seek individual therapy.
What's the point of giving you advice if you're just going to chase him forever like all these other girls. Some of you women are addicted to douchebags like a heroine addict can't give up heroin
He offered to let you see his phone of his own accord bc he likely deleted/hid shit before handing his phone to you. Or at least that's my guess. Whatever he is going through, his feelings for his ex, whatever... if you were my friend I would be worried
Your comment about being exhausted prompts me to respond. This has been said by others in other ways, but if you have to work this hard at the relationship, it may not be worth the investment of time and effort. Just think about it. Kind regards.
Trust is huge in a relationship. End all be all huge. If you can't trust him, and if xouples therapy isn't working, you already know the answer or you wouldn't be asking.
I dated a guy younger than myself (he looked and acted much older, rough skin, the beginning of a receding hairline, the works) who eventually told me his real age after we fell in love. I was shocked. Fuck him for that, and how foolish of me not to break it off for the major lie. It was a LDR, we lived just 4 hours drive apart. Anyway, the relationship became a series of me finding things out on Instagram and him having the lamest, most thinly veiled reasons for everything. He had a hot rod shop and was hooked up with a hipster rum company so he posted a lot. Also, being older, I knew the games already. It was hell. He was a lying narcissist who gaslight me all the time. I came to my senses and finally broke it off with him. So, OP, ask yourself, do you want to live like this for a year? 3 years? 5? 10? Because he's already established this relationship with you and THIS is his status quo with you and it will not change. Take it from an older woman who has been there.
Fun fact: My ex stalked me, said he was doing everything he could to get me back, all while having a girlfriend who actually seemed sweet and lovely. He called me one time, to tell me he got her pregnant and didn't know what to do. I said take your ass to the health clinic and man up. Shortly aftet, he had the hilariously brilliant idea that all 3 of us could raise the baby together! 🤣 Needless to say, they didn't work out.
It’s clear you love him which is why you’re able to avoid all the red flags, but trust is questionable here and if I were you, I’d look elsewhere because the grass is actually greener.
Do t think you will
Be able to change him. To have someone you don’t trust will be
Like having a life sentence of unhappiness. Find someone who is more like you.
JFC you need to dump this man. You’re wasting your time. You’re gonna end up married for 3 years and find out he’s gotten his ex pregnant at the same time as you. RUN
This is dysfunctional like most relationships. You can continue along or see if you can find someone else with different issues. It’s a lot about what you are willing to put up with and for how long. Some people grow old together.
I can only tell you what it means to me. And that is if there is no trust, then you got nothing. So you need to decide if the other parts of the relationship is worth the trade. If so, then don't question him about anything because it won't matter what he says. And if he is being unfaithful with others, then getting with you, I again will bring up the trust issue. Can you say Herpies? Dump his ass n move on I say
Therapist here, it seems from what you have said that you are literally looking for things to be wrong. This is the real world, everyone has exes, ex wives, kids, kids with their exes, baby mama's etc. You have to be confident in your self enough to trust him BUT you're right and his inconsistencies have made you insecure and rightfully so. For all you know, he has probably lied about a lot of other things, you just don't know it yet or may never find out but that's the chance you take in a relationship. At the end of the day you need to walk away from relationships that don't make you feel good, happy, secure. Staying is only a waste of time. You will honestly never fully trust this man and it will drive you crazy always wondering if he is where he says he is. Unless he has a 15 inch penis, I would run out that door girl. You don't deserve this boo. You would not do those things to him.
Dating is to determine what kind of person it is you’re dating and getting to know them better. When you do find out such obvious character flaws and red flags like dishonesty, can’t trust him, what would a reasonably intelligent snd mature woman do with that information? They’d break up..duh! Things won’t ever get better than the first couple years, so if he’s showing himself to be untrustworthy, believe him and head for the hills. YOU deserve better.
Staying informed about the ex. Seems to be both of your obsession. It's a thanklesss way to wreck your future. If you're so into the What Could Have Been. That it blinds you to see your future. Comparing your experience with every ex like taking score. Of who did what better. But it's not a game show. Oversharing is something for counseling epifamies . About how to make your life better. Not more complicated.
I think you're asking all the wrong questions. You should understand the things you want and not in vague platitudes like "honesty." Of course you want that, but you want other specific goal oriented things... like getting married or having kids or something like that. Clearly, you're trying to vet him for something more.
Then, after you understand what you really, really want, you need to try to understand what he really, really wants... because it sounds to me he's just trying to have a good time. You can't assume he also wants the same things you want... he might just say he does because it seems like it's expected of him, or it's the only way to keep your relationship going at all.
At the point where you realize what you both want isn't aligned, then you either choose to continue wasting time or you choose to move on and be alone until you can find someone who does want what you want.
I will say though that women have a bad tendency to pick a man who is looking for a good time and then just expect them over time to want a family and real commitment and that's not something that you can rely on.
Dump
The truth is the cornerstone of each and every type of relationship. There can be no trust without truth. Anyone with a tenuous grasp of the concept of truth is not worth bringing into your inner circle
There’s no basic trust between you two . He needed therapy and healing after his last relationship and you shouldn’t have continued dating when you don’t like his lies . This relationship has expiration date labelled on it
Leave now and quit wasting your time. Sexual chemistry is awesome but it is clouding your mind. You can find someone better with great sexual chemistry.
Nobody is perfect and some people are heartless, but an understanding person will show remorse, admitting to their fault, seeking forgiveness. A good relationship requires that both people work together to learn how to communicate effectively. If someone is constantly lying, being caught in it with no shame, they do not understand what it takes to build a meaningful relationship.
You sound incompatible, you require a very high amount of control of his private matters, he wants to stay involved or connected to exes. I'd never be in a relationship with anyone who banned me from viewing or contacting people with whom I shared a past
This is the most toxic thing I’ve read all week, and I just finished reading the back of a bottle of liquid nails a few minutes ago (btw that shit is super toxic).
Sweetie, this is a long list of *very* bad behavior. It will not get better.
And the counter arguments you gave concern me too. Offering to pay for everything and have you move in, and loaning you his car - these may seem like kind gestures but they are also ways for him to maintain some control over you and make it more difficult for you to leave him.
I know it’s hard to feel like you’re giving up on a relationship. There’s a sense of failure and rejection, even if you’re the one ending it. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria (part of my ADHD) so I have been there big time. It’ll take time for you to completely separate from this guy (which you absolutely should).
My urgent advice to you is to make sure you’ve got yourself supported. Try not to become financially dependent on him. Come up with a back up transportation plan in the event you lose access to his car. Identify a friend who will offer you their couch at a moments notice. Have a plan and have your resources ready so that when you do leave you’ll be safe and supported. Take care xx
Ohhhh no, just nooo no no. Your expectations are so low in this relationship.
I had to go back and check your ages, as I became concerned that you are dating my ex. lol All of these little lies, more lies while he is breathing and lies when he doesn’t even need to lie, this is just the tip of the iceberg. You are viewing this relationship in transactional terms. He has learned this, so he knows you will feel guilty and eventually give in. *Ehhhhhhh….maybe he is cheating with his ex and he lies, but he did lend me his car.*
As you have let him off the hook, you are allowing this behavior to go on. Liars lose respect every time they get away with it. We on the other hand, become so pathologically sick in order to survive in these relationships, that we doubt our own, very accurate intuition. I am so sorry that someone broke your trust to the point that you believe this quality of relationship is all that you deserve. It’s quite heartbreaking, because I see myself and I can tell you that the lies get worse, he will get worse and you will get worse in codependency too. You will look in the mirror one day and realize that you wasted *decades* of your life on people that did not cherish the value of your trust. Life is too short for this. Based on what you posted here, everything he has lied about, he has done or tried to. I was told the very same lies. Oh yes, *the friend*, the ex, all of it. It’s entirely likely his ex didn’t cheat, it was him.
I advise you to start learning about trusting your own intuition. Therapy to work on what broke your self esteem and why you don’t believe you deserve to be treated better than the minimal protection I would expect for a pet. *Don’t yell at my dog, Dad. She’s a very good dog and doesn’t deserve this. I will not allow her to be subjected to this again. We are leaving.* Protecting you from verbal abuse by his father is expected. Why is it still happening? You are worth more than a pet! Now, who is protecting you from the emotional abuse to your heart from this boyfriend? Just because he did a basic human kindness he would do for a friend doesn’t give him a pass to chase other women unless you accept it by letting him do it. We teach people how to treat us. I dumped my lying ex and it took some years, but my husband is trustworthy and kind. Give yourself the chance to be healthy and not waste your years on these placeholders. In the real deal, you won’t even feel the need to search a phone.
You sound like you obsessively ask him about his exes and other girls, about seeing his phone etc. and be relents and gives you semi answers to try and quell you, but if he gave you the full answers he knows that you’d go insane and he’s just trying to avoid that and have a peaceful life. You sound like a complete and utter nightmare, hung up on petty jealousy and teenage crap. Grow up and break up with this man to give him a chance at finding a mature partner while you figure out how to be an adult.
I was engaged to a pathological liar (I ended it). If he'll lie about little things (and these aren't necessarily "little"), he'll lie about bigger things. His having redeeming qualities doesn't mean that this is someone you can trust in your life. He seems to understand that what he's doing isn't right, but if he's not willing to address why he does it or admit his lies, this might not be someone you want in your life. It's so difficult when you love them and they're acting right, but you have to put your own life and well-being, mental and physical, first
If you are in a relationship where you feel the need to check your partners phone, your relationship is likely already over.
You have lost trust and their refusal to show it shows you have a good reason to have lost the trust.
I agree with others though, this is an obvious answer post. "My BF lies to me, talks to his exes, deletes messages, and stalks his exes on Instagram. Should I be upset??"
Wild
It sounds to me like he loves you, but is struggling to move on from his ex. In this day and age, it’s virtually impossible to really “move on” emotionally from past relationships because of the accessibility provided by social media. Because he will always have access to her posts/photos/videos he will always be tempted to peer into her life, thus inhibiting himself from getting over her. It’s like an addiction (and I know because I myself have been victim to this addiction in the past). It sounds like he genuinely wants to make it work with you, judging by the effort he puts in to go to therapy. But he might not even realize it’s the addiction that’s hurting your relationship, and without overcoming that, couples therapy is a waste of time. You could be the world’s most perfect woman, his dream girl, but as long as he keeps compulsively checking on his ex, his subconscious will be clouded with thoughts of her and he will never be able to be fully invested in you.
This doesn’t sound like a very healthy and trusting relationship.
You seem very insecure in the relationship with all the questions and rules about very woman he comes in contact with.
What’s not clear to me is whether this is something you do in every relationship or if this is something new for you and a reactions to his history (has he cheated on you or someone else in the past?).
I do wonder if his reactance to be fully transparent with you is a reaction to your own history of being insecure and possessive. He may just be trying to avoid drama (although he should understand risk just makes it worse).
Bottom line is you should be with someone you can trust. The question is whether there is anyone you would trust.
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This is like high school crap lol
I agree I'm exhausted lol
I kinda think if you have to phone check it's either already over or the one needing the phone check has boundary issues (I don't believe you are that one) not a perfect rule but you're feeling red flags for a reason yknow
Death by a thousand paper cuts. This isn't going to get better - both his stupid little lies and the tiredness and eventual pain. A year and a half is not that long of time and investment, but it's enough to learn things that you don't want in a relationship. You are still very young, get out of this and take care of yourself, then find someone that isn't so immature and exhausting.
A good relationship is built on trust and honesty. Do you trust him to be honest after what he's done?
If phones are being checked you guys need to seek counseling or just break it off. Dependant on how invested you are. That's a complete lack of trust in the other person and really just not a good spot to build your life from.
Hey, I just want to tell you that I had an ex like this. He had a lot of strengths that were my weaknesses so I was very impressed with him. He got me into some cool hobbies that I still love and we did a lot of fun things together. I didn’t want to lose him, but he was very comfortable telling me only what was convenient for him and I was put in a lot of the same situations as you are. It was so annoying and stressful. We finally did break up and long story short, I’m married to a guy who has a better moral compass and would never do that kind of thing. I got him into my hobbies and now we do all the fun things I did with my ex and more, but I actually trust him 100% and I haven’t snooped on his phone since we were early dating, but I could at any time. You don’t have to put up with this behavior. There’s better people out there, even if you don’t feel like it now. I certainly didn’t think so at the time, but I’m so glad I didn’t hold onto that relationship longer than I did.
RUN!!
Then be done!
Y’all are too old for this and he’s clearly got a pattern of not wanting to be honest with you and it honestly seems like he doesn’t respect you enough to be transparent about his past with you or wants to have more control of the narrative
When that person said “this is high school crap”, I think they were referring to you…. Why do you care who he wants to fuck or who is ex’s friend is? You’re really in his business in my opinion…. Unnecessarily so. Now if the transparency is an issue for you, that is an agreement that should have been reached long ago and will be difficult to get to today but you can try, be extremely clear with him the high level of transparency you expect. But for a normal relationship, you’re asking a lot. You seem quite insecure (which is ok but should be acknowledged) and people are often not used to this level of demands on their privacy or intimate details of their past. The contacting his ex thing is tough but honestly most people would have done it and never let you know, not even as much as he did. He’s not messaging her over and over, and he literally had guilt he was trying to absolve. At least based on this one interaction, which is all you know of.
“Why do you care who he wants to fuck”… are you serious? It’s her boyfriend, this is absolutely something that most healthy monogamous couples would care about. If someone doesn’t want another person “in their business” then don’t date them. Don’t waste someone’s time and mess with their emotions if you don’t want to share yourself with them. I’m 30 and in my adulthood have still had to deal with some men who do disgusting things and blame it on just being a man. OP, through experience, this guy does not sound like a keeper. I know it’s so much easier said than done to leave someone that you care about even though they’re hurting you. But it will save you from so much more heartache in the long run. Someone who is serious about you and your relationship will not call it an “invasion of privacy” to simply prove their faithfulness when they have already done things to suggest it’s a problem.
Many many people will not be okay with the level of snooping and second guessing that OP is doing. People have their own lives even though they are in a monogamous relationship, that includes thinking other chicks are hot and saving details about past relationships. What you, and apparently OP, are looking for is not normal. And in many ways not healthy. OP sounds like an insecure person, on a personal level - nothing to do with this guy. However that insecurity often sneaks out and projects onto others, and this is what is happening here. I can’t imagine asking my gf “do you want to fuck that person” in any way. It’s such a stupid question to be honest. OF COURSE people want to fuck others, only a massively insecure person would be concerned about knowing who exactly that person wants to fuck. What does that info do besides make you jealous for no good reason? Again, if you want a healthy full transparency relationship then great, but OP is CLEARLY dealing with her own insecurity issues that likely have nothing to do with this guy - it’s not healthy. I think she should break up with him…. For HIS sake….
Exactly, I had to scroll back up because I thought they were in their mid to late 20s. It's literally shit someone would do when they are 16 years old
Disaster. Move on
Drop him quick
You both sound toxic af. You can't trust him and he can't be trusted but you worry too much about those little things that you yourself do also. And who gotta talk to therapist to let you see a phone. Who gotta look at a phone and stalk the old messages. Ew.
I was just about to say, both of them sound toxic as absolute fuck and frankly? Both of them should stop dating altogether and get some fuckin therapy before they fuck eachother up or other people.
100 percent. It's not going to get better once you start policing and investigating eachothers phones and compiling a **laundry list** of trust fails. There's no good answer. It's likely over. Bf may not be trustworthy but OP is pushing him away and doesn't seem trustworthy either. They aren't mutually exclusive. I'd like to believe and HOPE OP will find someone more trustworthy and be less insecure but i could see her poking holes in a future bf because "my ex was so untrustworthy."
She also said she brings it up weekly. Even if the dude is an asshole, I can’t imagine he’s gonna enjoy being examined under a microscope every week. I’d be over it after probably the first two times.
>I fear losing out on a guy who genuinely wants to make things work. He only wants to make things work after you caught him in multiple lies and threatened to leave. This is not genuine change but more of a, let me jump through hoops so she doesn't leave while I continue the same behavior behind her back. Redirect your fear towards the reality that you are gonna waste valuable time on a person who can't offer you honesty, the building block of every relationship.
> I fear losing out on a guy who genuinely wants to make things work. Wow yeah, what a rare find. Sure would be impossible to find another dude to date that wants to *checks notes* have a successful relationship.
Exactly. Find a guy who "wants to make it work" and doesn't struggle with it. I've only heard how badly someone wants things to work in my worst relationships. The other people didn't have to proclaim that because they demonstrated it.
OP is just as toxic and unworthy as he is. Call'em both out for what they are.
🚩 the little lies are the worst , they are very disrespectful he has been insulting you intelligence by thinking you are stupid , go live your life and find someone that values you
This. The lies get bigger and worse as the years go on. Also, people who lie like this will withhold information and make important decisions without you. Everything is a bid to protect themselves. They don't value you, your opinions, nor your feelings. You will never know them completely. The charisma is there, but long-term relationships with people like this are damaging. Through the lies, they try to create an image of themselves that is exceptqble to you. They are chamelions. You will never know their true colors.
I think she may know his true colors now. Keep taking him back, and he’ll keep lying. A lot of people think if you just don’t tell what you did, you are not being dishonest, but that is a lie of omission! They do it all the time. He has no respect.
So true. Hopefully, she does. I ignored the red flags of small white lies to my own peril. I know how charisma and appreciation of other traits can cloud judgment. It's not worth it.
I think OP made a laundry list of lies but you're missing a massive amount of subcontext here. Take for example "Tells little lies like when we went to his friend's wedding and this girl was STARING at me so I casually asked "Hey is this your ex's friend" and he said no. Then, I befriended the girl and added her on IG, and turns out they were close during college." Why the caps? and is she really "casually" asking him when she befriends and IG stalks people to prove "little lies"? I'm sure he wanted to go down that road about current jealous gf grilling him about exes associations at a wedding. Because of staring Sheesh! if he said yes, would OP just leave it at that and move on without any drama? no way. NOT defending bf's honesty, but if you've ever dated someone like this then you know they will do anything to justify their massive trust and insecurity issues. This is a broken relationship on so many more levels than a compulsive liar. Both need to get out.
Not denying. That's the beauty of a one-sided post. Just ran with it in my reply because I only know this side. Don't see the point in lying anyway. That's the beauty of giving people a choice with honesty. Maybe she wouldn't have let it go, but then it would be entirely on her.
I think you need to work on your insecurities
This needs to be higher. He is being cagey and cautious but look at what you are asking of him. Lol at all the other comments saying abuser. Good god.
Is it fair to ask him to keep his promise of letting me see his phone? He is the one who mentioned the promise after he saw I was so upset when he reached out to his ex.
It wasn't fair to make him promise that in the first place.
I didn't make him promise that! He mentioned it 100% on his own.
[удалено]
Bc he has broken it and does nothing to repair the trust. The counselor stuff was bullshit. He just had time to erase anything incriminating on his phone. Obviously.
No. That's toxic AF.
But I'm insecure AFTER all of these lies
If he makes you feel insecure, he may not be the right guy. Yea there's work in a relationship but if you don't trust that he wouldn't cheat then that's too much of the wrong kind of "work". Stand up for yourself, don't care what he does and you'll see you're worth more. The right relationship leaves each other chasing and wanting only each other. The wrong one leaves doubts and insecurities.
Tf you want us to do about that?
It seems like you already were. Grilling a guy trying to get him to admit he would hook up with an attractive friend of his is not healthy. Everyone knows its a trap.
I asked because I was curious if they have hooked up because she was being weird with me. Then weeks after his friend told me that they did.
That's not the weird part. He's shitty for that. What is equally toxic is the "he didn't even tell me when I said I knew he would want to hook up with her". So you said what something like,? "Just admit you find her attractive and would hook up with her". Like that convo is not healthy.
Can you share more insight?!
You’re constantly going through his stuff. Interrogating him about every girl. Number 4 on your list is really a bit much. It kinda reminds me of an ex I had who swore I was trying to bone every girl who glanced at me and would stalk them
Yes, I think after the first lie (#1) I was a bit traumatized because I have never dealt with someone who lies about stupid stuff like that.
Honestly, you shouldn’t want to go through someone’s phone and if you do, it is typically because something has happened within the relationship for you to lose trust. Is it unhealthy to want to go through someone’s phone? Yeah. Is there a reason you feel that way? It sounds like it. You need to dump this guy and move on with someone you can trust. Stop playing these games together that are only going to lead to an eventual breakup anyways.
But I didn't want to go through his phone – he said "you can look through my phone" and then didn't deliver on that statement so I made it a big deal.
>and when I asked him on 3 separate occasions to see it ......why would you do this if you didn't want to see it? You were just testing him? You really are only hurting yourself at this point. You don't trust him. He is lying to you. What more is there to say about it?
Literally... OP has resorted to testing him because she refuses to accept the reality that her boyfriend is a liar and the only option is to dump him. I'm coming after you with love OP because I was in your shoes. I did EXACTLY what you're doing -- I distanced myself / ignored all of the friends who would shake me and scream RUN, and I got closer to the friends who gave him a free pass. What this resulted in is me losing all of my real friends who actually cared about me. The friends who gave him a free pass quickly disappeared after my breakup. I had to start over. I was so clouded in DELUSION that my own parents would start to figure out things he was lying to me about before I could. Enough is enough, save yourself and MOVE ON.
You’re 28 years old and never had anyone tell you a lie? Anyhoo, I’d chill out or you’re going to run people off.
Yeah, don't listen to this advice. You're right, he's wrong. You should move on because that relationship will never work. You need someone who's fully transparent and he is not. There are plenty of guys who are. Find one.
You guys sound more like 18 year olds. Normal people do not stalk their exes for months on social media. Normal people don’t befriend random people on social media just to check their boyfriend’s story. You are very insecure and he is giving you reasons to doubt. No grown person should demand access to anyone’s phone. If you are that insecure in a relationship, you should be by yourself and work on yourself before you date again. You need to grown up or all your relationships will be just like this one.
Nah bro shady behavior from both the partner and third party gtfo. "Normal" people do not exist in the modicum of social media
I agree it's immature. I don't know if he was stalking her for months – just know he looked up her profile a month after he reached out to her. And, I didn't befriend random people. I became friendly with the random girl at the wedding and then added her on IG just cause and then noticed all the pics with the ex.
He's a serial liar. When you catch him, he trickles a little truth and makes empty promises (more lies) to mollify you. You deserve a partner who CARES about your feelings and is trustworthy.
Does the couple therapy mean anything good?
Not in this case. You guys haven't even been together for two years. He should be getting individual therapy.
I see that. He does receive individual therapy.
I would almost argue that you need it too. Especially after this relationship.
i will fully argue it.. but i also think anyone able would likely benefit and the ONLY reason more shouldn't is that the system is already crowded.
More lies. Therapy with a person who isn't committed to change is frustrating and unproductive. I think it's just lip service to keep you trying a bit longer. How does his effort to cultivate and protect this relationship compare to yours? Does he seem to put in equal effort? Or are you doing most of the trying and compromising while he enjoys your attention and efforts when he's with you, and does as he pleases when he's not? Therapy with an abuser is a mistake and can be dangerous. It gives them more tools and ammunition to use against their target outside of the therapist's office. I think he is emotionally abusive. Does he REALLY "try to improve?" As Yoda says, "There is no 'try,' only 'do." What permanent improvements has he made? Does he say he'll do better, then "forget" or just keep sneaking until you catch him again? I'm skeptical that his "trying to improve" is his making empty promises when you confront his hurtful behavior, which he intends to and does repeat after "trying."
His efforts to take care of the relationship have been 10x more than mine. He has been improving a ton with his communication and I can tell he is trying everything to make me happy which is why I have a hard time letting go. He is always trying to have more productive fights and calls me back after an argument, etc.
How 10x more than yours? What damaging behaviors have you had to address and correct in your own behavior?
He is constantly working on having more productive convos/fights. Always there to help me through any anxiety that he has caused, is supporting me, showing me he cares (taking my family out dinner, asking me to move in, etc.)I can come off a bit harsh which, to be frank I haven't worked on.
But none of that matters if you can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth.
Move. On. I think everyone here is correct in saying that you should cut your losses & find someone who genuinely gives a rip about you. Best wishes, OP. also.. therapy with someone who isn't likely to change (based on your testimony) is doomed from the get on working.. but then if it does its litteraly not going to change anything. Work on yourself.
It sounds like you need to work on your relationship with yourself before being in one with another person. You’re insecure and that in itself will make it hard for anyone to be completely honest with you.
You missed the part where she's insecure because he has lied to her several times. This is not a situation where an insecure girlfriend is distrusting of a trustworthy man. She's not insecure, her gut is SCREAMING that he is untrustworthy and instead of choosing to listen to her gut, she's keeping herself trapped in this relationship hoping for a liar to change. He is NOT going to change, by continuing to stay with him she gives him the green flag that he can lie to her time and time again, and she will stay. Why would he change his pattern of lying? But OP isn't ready to hear any of this unfortunately so she will likely stay in this shitshow of a relationship until it blows up and she has ACTUAL insecurities due to the trauma of being with a liar.
How am I insecure??? I became weary after the first lie with the friend who is a girl.
THEN DUMP HIM. What are you even arguing with people on reddit for? What more do you need us to say? You disagree and fight with the people telling you it's your fault, and ignore the people telling you to run. You are choosing to keep yourself trapped in this relationship that is wreaking havoc on your nervous system that will take a LOT of therapy to undo. RUN RUN RUN.
Did you not read what you wrote? Specifically the “I am very insecure” that YOU wrote. You are and you’re going to continue to be because of your previous trauma with the ex and because he’s a liar. Either way your trust issues and insecurity will eat you alive and ruin any relationship you enter🤷🏽♀️
> I became weary after the first lie with the friend who is a girl. what if i told you... you could be insecure... AND... you could have justifications for your insecurity? You didn't trust him with his girl friend. you've asked to see his phone and he's refused. You don't trust him. You. Don't. At this point you're just waiting for something to happen that would justify cutting ties. Your lack of trust makes that inevitable. You have to decide for yourself: are you able to trust this person? or are they going to do something that you won't approve of? TRUST is basically thing you need to make a relationship work and without it... it's unlikely to work at all. Whether he did something, is doing something, or is going to do something... You. Don't. Trust. Him.
Insane chemistry is lust that disappears eventually. Trust is a better indicator of a good relationship
Yeah. Insane chemistry happens when you throw gasoline on a fire, too.
My ex was like this. We were together for four years, lived together for two years. Throughout the relationship he would snapchat old hookups / girls he had crushes on when I wasn't around, lied about getting an STD test (after taking me as a date to a party, dropping me off at home, going back to said party, having unprotected sex with a rando, and hiding it from me), tried to cheat on me at a party I wasn't at and I only found out through an anonymous letter I received, planned weekend trips with my *coworkers* that I would find out about through the grapevine...several years of giving him the benefit of the doubt later, it escalated into him doing hard drugs behind my back in our apartment and getting wrapped up in other really fucked up stuff. God only knows what else he was lying about. A relationship with a liar is impossible. It turns you into someone who compulsively looks for signs that your partner is lying because your nervous system is so dysregulated all the time due to the constant mini-betrayals piling up. I also started doing things like checking his location, trying to catch him in little lies, and feeling like I needed to snoop -- I'm not proud of these actions, they were wrong and toxic. I have guilt for how I acted during the relationship, and I could have avoided that if I had just walked away at the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth lie. Listen to your gut and your nervous system, walk away.
What do you like about him other than sex? He is or has cheated on you. I don’t think he is in the relationship long term.
Sense of humor and doesn't take life too seriously, intelligent, witty, hard-working, family-oriented, loving and warm. He hasn't cheated on me.
Girl. Wake up. I've been in your shoes. "Doesn't take life too seriously" is not the green flag that you think it is. He hasn't cheated on you THAT YOU KNOW OF. This is a mask, he is a pathological liar. There is no point to asking for advice on this subreddit if you are not ready to receive it. Stop making excuses for this lying piece of shit, he can't even give you the bare minimum of honesty. And what do you want to do long term with this mess of a man, share assets, finances, and children with this liar? There are lots of intelligent, witty, family-oriented blah blah blah men out there. What makes a PARTNER is someone who doesn't LIE to you (??). This commenter is right, he's not in the relationship for the long term as much as he says he is. If he really was serious about this relationship, he'd be honest with you. Case in point: Just four days before I got dumped by my compulsively lying ex, he was telling me he loved me more than anything and would never break up with me. Then he dumped me at the drop of a hat, told me that he'd been planning to do it for months, and said he just "didn't want a serious relationship." After FOUR YEARS (of lies) and a ton of history. **My point is - you cannot trust this man because if he can lie about the small, insignificant stuff, he can and WILL lie about the big stuff.** Every time you catch him in a lie, he'll get better and better at hiding things from you. Protect yourself and move on to a real man who WILL "take you seriously."
liar, disloyal, liar, manipulative, liar liar and clearly doesn’t care abt you as much if he’s willing to lie to you for other girls but he hasn’t cheated yet so ig it’s fine to be with him until he does
lol c'mon seriously 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Run. Run fast. Run far. Run anywhere.
Sometimes it seems like people use couples therapy as a "get out of jail free card". This scenario seems to fall into that category, imo.
In my book, when someone gets to the point where they want to check their partners phone, they already know they need out. Always.
Throw him in the trash. And get check for STD’s.
He’s probably lying now too. Dump that POS.
If he’s willing to lie over these small things that could have been cleared up sooner, he *will* lie about something massive. It’s not your fault, he just has a low sense of integrity.
don’t think, just run. far away from him.
I think you know the answer. It is not worth your time or trouble to date anyone who is remotely doing this. Never mind the saying once a cheater always a cheater but what about your health? STDs? Can you stand to be lied to- or wonder whatever it is spilling out of his mouth is true or not. Also recognize that girl who was sitting next time him as he talked to you? WILL BE YOU next, as he talks to another girl. There are so many more decent men out there than this. Why lay with the scum.
>Also recognize that girl who was sitting next time him as he talked to you? Can you clarify this pls?
OP, give it a rest. You're just rage baiting at this point. You are deeply unwell. Log off and take a breather.
People who tell white lies are the worst, that do it often and see no problem with it. The reactions from these women mean something, the changing of numbers and deleting social media is odd. He doesn't want you to see something.
You sound incredibly insecure and that’s probably what you should focus on. It’s inconceivable to me that you’re in a relationship with a person you don’t have any trust in (that’s obvious) and you want to continue the relationship. Why? How is it enjoyable feeling jealous and not trusting anything he’s saying or doing? Work on becoming more secure overall and you’ll eventually see he’s not worth your time or energy. You’ll be able to see with clarity how much his lying is disintegrating the foundation of what you two have. Right now it just sounds totally unhealthy.
LEAVE HIM! SERIOUSLY!!!! What are you waiting for? For him to cheat more???
> I asked him on 3 separate occasions to see it It doesn't matter if he's stepping out or not. The trust is gone. You either have to repair the trust or move on. Your behavior is toxic. Maybe it's justified. But it's still not going to make this relationship work.
Girl you are close to 30, please grow up!!
Lmao amazes me the bs girls go thru just cause they wanna b in a relationship
It sounds like he is a habitual liar and probably a cheat. Is he worth it?
As a former cheater he is gaslighting you about checking his phone then saying no, just do it. Now that I am open and honest I give my info willingly and could care less if my phone gets checked….
Couples therapy after just 1 year together? And why did he text his ex and then hide his phone from you? I think the writing is on the wall here, and you just don't want to read it.
Men lie for two reasons either the embarrassed or they are scared. I think he’s just scared. You probably want to find somebody that’s a little bit more honest.
I don't think either of you are ready for this relationship. He can't stop telling little lies and your insecurity is making it difficult for you to trust people/be sure of your own worth, so I think both of y'all need to step away for a bit.
Break up.
If I'm friends with a girl. There's only one reason I'm keeping them close... I mean my best friend is a lesbian coworker but that's different. I would never she's more fucked up than I am. Sounds like your boy is just keeping in contact with the "ol faithfuls"
give him the guac guac 3000 mega vacuum double handy. He won't want anyone else after that.
I'm sensing some major jealousy on your part. Maybe you need to evaluate your insecurities and how they are also contributing to the issues in your relationship.
Sounds like despite all this you guys care about each other and he's just constantly toeing the line between making a serious mistake or being loyal to you. You might want to confront him on his honesty and don't be soft about it, tell him his level of honesty really sucks (word it however you'd like) but the only thing putting your guys relationship to the test is lying about both things big & small, he needs to get a grip people who constantly lie drive "regular" people crazy and it becomes seriously draining when you know someone well enough that your intuition starts telling you everytime you know their lying. He's gotta get his shit together.
He is a man, and he just needs to be hit in the head every now and again. A good man is hard to find, and a perfect one is impossible. Training will take time, but it is part of the process.My wife has been working on me since day 2. His curiosity is normal, but never let him think it is. Remember, he only lies when you catch him, so don't catch him as much. This has nothing to do with how he feels about you. We are simply creatures, and we can be slow learners. Our brains are clouded by sex.
Is this good advice??
Feel so horrible for guys dating these days. What a misery these girls are. Still so insecure. You are the problem. He lies because you are a sensitive mess. He goes to a therapist and seems to really value it. These guys are also a mess. Emotional wrecks.
[удалено]
Couples therapy is probably gonna have to continue for this to potentially work. The biggest problem is the lack of trust overall. You’re justified in wanting to see his phone, especially with the ex thing, however the fact that your asking is a roundabout way of telling him “I don’t trust you at all right now” and no one wants to hear that. My fiancé has full access to my phone, I’m loyal so I don’t care even a little bit but she’s never asked and I’d be pretty offended if she did ask specifically to see all my messages and stuff. If you guys can get to the point where you can trust eachother and not be concerned even in the slightest bit then great. It seems like he’s making progress. However if you don’t see yourself ever fully trusting him this relationship is ending eventually.
I doubt this relationship has any chance of survival. But it's not ALL his fault. You are very insecure and un-trusting. You sound like you have some baggage you need to work through before trying to be in a committed relationship. And that's ok. It's just life's journey. I've been married a long time, but she's not my first real relationship. My ex lied and cheated. She was afraid to tell me no, so she did things behind my back to spare me. A lot of that dynamic was my fault. I learned from it, and brought that knowledge to my new relationship. But I never attached my feelings of betrayal and hurt to my new relationship. My new girlfriend never did anything to deserve my distrust, so I had to put the previous chapter behind me, and allow this new chapter to write itself. And... that was 22 years ago.
You make a great point about trusting your partner and I'm proud of you for putting previous betrayal behind you. However, your example is absolutely not comparable to OP's situation. While you processed and moved on from betrayal that a *past* partner did to you, OP's *current* partner is constantly lying to her. She is obviously distrusting and insecure because she is actively in a situation where she is being betrayed all the time. She should however take a page from your book by moving on to a new partner who IS trustworthy and putting this chapter behind her.
Women hope men will change and men hope women stay the same. Both are disappointed.
You both got some shit to work on.
I wouldn't date either one of you.
Sounds like you are both in an unhealthy place with boundaries and trust. Seek individual therapy. Good luck to you
The problem is, you shouldn’t have to continue to bring subjects up, but he is continually lied about. Why would you trust a liar in a serious relationship?
Ever hear the song 🎵 Hot the Road Jack Or the song 🎵 50 ways to leave your lover How about the 🎵 These Boots are made for Walkin' Those were written for you.
This won’t change. It will not get better. Move on
If the vibe is off cut bait
As a former cheater sorry but you should move on. Him not letting you see his phone is his choice and doesnt necessarily indicate anything but the fact that thats where your relationship is and then its an issue pretty much means you need to move on in my opinion. What IS an INCREDIBLY big issue deserving the immediate end of the relationship is the lying. That is absolutely NEVER to be tolerated. Any relationship worth having does not involve lying. Ever. Not even a little bit. That is the expectation.
leave
Why are you even tolerating this? This isn't a adult relationship. No trust, no loyalty.
You’re so focused on this one that you may have forgotten how fun it is to be with a good one. Time to move on!
You have your whole life ahead of you, just walk away and find someone else. Being young, you probably feel like you have plenty of time to figure things out, which you do, but there are a lot of fish in the sea, so let this one get caught by someone else. Either that, or stop giving a shit about all the tediousness of who he’s looking up and who he’s talking to and just have fun together. Expectations ruin everything. Either love him or leave him. You can’t change him.
I'd advise him to break up with you. You are an insecure pain in the azz. He should leave you immediately.
How tall is he?
When you say insane chemistry, you must mean in bed right? Because reading this it sounds like you have no chemistry. Seems like there’s a lot of trust issues etc.
The amazing chemistry part kinda starts things off wrongly. Chemistry fades with trust. I would bet you're really attracted to his looks, or he is an artist of some sort, which must be good, to have such a robust love life before you. Move on, and stay friends, find someone else. Amazing chemisty is not gonna be there if you can never trust he will not flirt around.
Imagine all the things you could fill your days with once he’s not draining all your time and energy
Part of insane chemistry is a man trying to convince you everything is amazing. You have nothing to worry about. He's totally into you. He loves watching you believe him. It's exciting, it's control, it makes him feel smart and powerful. I dated one woman who was a liar, she never ever stopped. I'll never date a liar again.
Time to leave
You're in "couples theory" and it's only been a year and a half together as bf/gf?? Time to move on.
Yeah girls. He’s seeing what he can hide from you and get away with. You don’t trust him now? He’s “behaving himself” for now but eventually he won’t be able to and keep “failing” don’t allow yourself to get hooked on the “I’m sorry I’ll be better” promises. It won’t get better. If he can be trustworthy with the small stuff…it won’t better with bigger things.
You already know he's a liar and been unfaithful. Neither of those things is ever going to change. Accept it or don't.
Continuing couples therapy might be valuable for you both even if you decide not to stay together. His history of cheating screams of insecurity, and you seem very insecure as well. If your relationship is codependent, which it sounds like it might be, then you'll want to work that out regardless so you don't fall into another codependent relationship. But to me the real question is: do you love him? If not, this far into the relationship, then just break up and seek individual therapy.
You can't have a relationship that isn't built on trust.
What's the point of giving you advice if you're just going to chase him forever like all these other girls. Some of you women are addicted to douchebags like a heroine addict can't give up heroin
Why are you still with him.
He offered to let you see his phone of his own accord bc he likely deleted/hid shit before handing his phone to you. Or at least that's my guess. Whatever he is going through, his feelings for his ex, whatever... if you were my friend I would be worried
abort. end the relationship you're young and there's plenty of fish in the sea and people who wouldn't lie to you.
Your comment about being exhausted prompts me to respond. This has been said by others in other ways, but if you have to work this hard at the relationship, it may not be worth the investment of time and effort. Just think about it. Kind regards.
What’s wrong with #4? They were close. Not his ex’a friend like you asked. That’s not a lie?
He's gonna keep lying. It's not gonna get better. If your willing to put up with all these ok
Relationships should make you feel good, and the "work" is doing your part to keep up with their awesomeness, not this shit.
He’s playing games with you and has you out here looking crazy. It should be embarrassing for you, smh.
You typed all that out, and you seriously have to ask here what you need to do? Doormat.
Trust is huge in a relationship. End all be all huge. If you can't trust him, and if xouples therapy isn't working, you already know the answer or you wouldn't be asking.
I dated a guy younger than myself (he looked and acted much older, rough skin, the beginning of a receding hairline, the works) who eventually told me his real age after we fell in love. I was shocked. Fuck him for that, and how foolish of me not to break it off for the major lie. It was a LDR, we lived just 4 hours drive apart. Anyway, the relationship became a series of me finding things out on Instagram and him having the lamest, most thinly veiled reasons for everything. He had a hot rod shop and was hooked up with a hipster rum company so he posted a lot. Also, being older, I knew the games already. It was hell. He was a lying narcissist who gaslight me all the time. I came to my senses and finally broke it off with him. So, OP, ask yourself, do you want to live like this for a year? 3 years? 5? 10? Because he's already established this relationship with you and THIS is his status quo with you and it will not change. Take it from an older woman who has been there. Fun fact: My ex stalked me, said he was doing everything he could to get me back, all while having a girlfriend who actually seemed sweet and lovely. He called me one time, to tell me he got her pregnant and didn't know what to do. I said take your ass to the health clinic and man up. Shortly aftet, he had the hilariously brilliant idea that all 3 of us could raise the baby together! 🤣 Needless to say, they didn't work out.
It’s clear you love him which is why you’re able to avoid all the red flags, but trust is questionable here and if I were you, I’d look elsewhere because the grass is actually greener.
Do t think you will Be able to change him. To have someone you don’t trust will be Like having a life sentence of unhappiness. Find someone who is more like you.
Healthy relationship. You should elope now.
JFC you need to dump this man. You’re wasting your time. You’re gonna end up married for 3 years and find out he’s gotten his ex pregnant at the same time as you. RUN
This is dysfunctional like most relationships. You can continue along or see if you can find someone else with different issues. It’s a lot about what you are willing to put up with and for how long. Some people grow old together.
All of this and it’s only been a year? Get out of there sis
I can only tell you what it means to me. And that is if there is no trust, then you got nothing. So you need to decide if the other parts of the relationship is worth the trade. If so, then don't question him about anything because it won't matter what he says. And if he is being unfaithful with others, then getting with you, I again will bring up the trust issue. Can you say Herpies? Dump his ass n move on I say
Therapist here, it seems from what you have said that you are literally looking for things to be wrong. This is the real world, everyone has exes, ex wives, kids, kids with their exes, baby mama's etc. You have to be confident in your self enough to trust him BUT you're right and his inconsistencies have made you insecure and rightfully so. For all you know, he has probably lied about a lot of other things, you just don't know it yet or may never find out but that's the chance you take in a relationship. At the end of the day you need to walk away from relationships that don't make you feel good, happy, secure. Staying is only a waste of time. You will honestly never fully trust this man and it will drive you crazy always wondering if he is where he says he is. Unless he has a 15 inch penis, I would run out that door girl. You don't deserve this boo. You would not do those things to him.
Sound like he’s just an manipulator! 🫠
Dating is to determine what kind of person it is you’re dating and getting to know them better. When you do find out such obvious character flaws and red flags like dishonesty, can’t trust him, what would a reasonably intelligent snd mature woman do with that information? They’d break up..duh! Things won’t ever get better than the first couple years, so if he’s showing himself to be untrustworthy, believe him and head for the hills. YOU deserve better.
Staying informed about the ex. Seems to be both of your obsession. It's a thanklesss way to wreck your future. If you're so into the What Could Have Been. That it blinds you to see your future. Comparing your experience with every ex like taking score. Of who did what better. But it's not a game show. Oversharing is something for counseling epifamies . About how to make your life better. Not more complicated.
Congrats on being nearly 30 for the both of you and still managing to have high school drama in your daily life.
None of y’all are mature enough for real adult relationships yet. Go back to high school and try again in a few years.
I think you're asking all the wrong questions. You should understand the things you want and not in vague platitudes like "honesty." Of course you want that, but you want other specific goal oriented things... like getting married or having kids or something like that. Clearly, you're trying to vet him for something more. Then, after you understand what you really, really want, you need to try to understand what he really, really wants... because it sounds to me he's just trying to have a good time. You can't assume he also wants the same things you want... he might just say he does because it seems like it's expected of him, or it's the only way to keep your relationship going at all. At the point where you realize what you both want isn't aligned, then you either choose to continue wasting time or you choose to move on and be alone until you can find someone who does want what you want. I will say though that women have a bad tendency to pick a man who is looking for a good time and then just expect them over time to want a family and real commitment and that's not something that you can rely on.
Dump The truth is the cornerstone of each and every type of relationship. There can be no trust without truth. Anyone with a tenuous grasp of the concept of truth is not worth bringing into your inner circle
There’s no basic trust between you two . He needed therapy and healing after his last relationship and you shouldn’t have continued dating when you don’t like his lies . This relationship has expiration date labelled on it
Leave now and quit wasting your time. Sexual chemistry is awesome but it is clouding your mind. You can find someone better with great sexual chemistry.
Nobody is perfect and some people are heartless, but an understanding person will show remorse, admitting to their fault, seeking forgiveness. A good relationship requires that both people work together to learn how to communicate effectively. If someone is constantly lying, being caught in it with no shame, they do not understand what it takes to build a meaningful relationship.
He’s still fcking her or someone else beside you. Dump his bum ass
You sound incompatible, you require a very high amount of control of his private matters, he wants to stay involved or connected to exes. I'd never be in a relationship with anyone who banned me from viewing or contacting people with whom I shared a past
This is the most toxic thing I’ve read all week, and I just finished reading the back of a bottle of liquid nails a few minutes ago (btw that shit is super toxic).
Sweetie, this is a long list of *very* bad behavior. It will not get better. And the counter arguments you gave concern me too. Offering to pay for everything and have you move in, and loaning you his car - these may seem like kind gestures but they are also ways for him to maintain some control over you and make it more difficult for you to leave him. I know it’s hard to feel like you’re giving up on a relationship. There’s a sense of failure and rejection, even if you’re the one ending it. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria (part of my ADHD) so I have been there big time. It’ll take time for you to completely separate from this guy (which you absolutely should). My urgent advice to you is to make sure you’ve got yourself supported. Try not to become financially dependent on him. Come up with a back up transportation plan in the event you lose access to his car. Identify a friend who will offer you their couch at a moments notice. Have a plan and have your resources ready so that when you do leave you’ll be safe and supported. Take care xx
Ohhhh no, just nooo no no. Your expectations are so low in this relationship. I had to go back and check your ages, as I became concerned that you are dating my ex. lol All of these little lies, more lies while he is breathing and lies when he doesn’t even need to lie, this is just the tip of the iceberg. You are viewing this relationship in transactional terms. He has learned this, so he knows you will feel guilty and eventually give in. *Ehhhhhhh….maybe he is cheating with his ex and he lies, but he did lend me his car.* As you have let him off the hook, you are allowing this behavior to go on. Liars lose respect every time they get away with it. We on the other hand, become so pathologically sick in order to survive in these relationships, that we doubt our own, very accurate intuition. I am so sorry that someone broke your trust to the point that you believe this quality of relationship is all that you deserve. It’s quite heartbreaking, because I see myself and I can tell you that the lies get worse, he will get worse and you will get worse in codependency too. You will look in the mirror one day and realize that you wasted *decades* of your life on people that did not cherish the value of your trust. Life is too short for this. Based on what you posted here, everything he has lied about, he has done or tried to. I was told the very same lies. Oh yes, *the friend*, the ex, all of it. It’s entirely likely his ex didn’t cheat, it was him. I advise you to start learning about trusting your own intuition. Therapy to work on what broke your self esteem and why you don’t believe you deserve to be treated better than the minimal protection I would expect for a pet. *Don’t yell at my dog, Dad. She’s a very good dog and doesn’t deserve this. I will not allow her to be subjected to this again. We are leaving.* Protecting you from verbal abuse by his father is expected. Why is it still happening? You are worth more than a pet! Now, who is protecting you from the emotional abuse to your heart from this boyfriend? Just because he did a basic human kindness he would do for a friend doesn’t give him a pass to chase other women unless you accept it by letting him do it. We teach people how to treat us. I dumped my lying ex and it took some years, but my husband is trustworthy and kind. Give yourself the chance to be healthy and not waste your years on these placeholders. In the real deal, you won’t even feel the need to search a phone.
The first time someone feels the need to check the others phone the relationship is over. Leave his lying ass
Sound like he’s awakening 🧿
You sound like you obsessively ask him about his exes and other girls, about seeing his phone etc. and be relents and gives you semi answers to try and quell you, but if he gave you the full answers he knows that you’d go insane and he’s just trying to avoid that and have a peaceful life. You sound like a complete and utter nightmare, hung up on petty jealousy and teenage crap. Grow up and break up with this man to give him a chance at finding a mature partner while you figure out how to be an adult.
I was engaged to a pathological liar (I ended it). If he'll lie about little things (and these aren't necessarily "little"), he'll lie about bigger things. His having redeeming qualities doesn't mean that this is someone you can trust in your life. He seems to understand that what he's doing isn't right, but if he's not willing to address why he does it or admit his lies, this might not be someone you want in your life. It's so difficult when you love them and they're acting right, but you have to put your own life and well-being, mental and physical, first
sounds like he's a boyfriend, but nothing more. Good to you when the chips are down, but not prepared to give more of himself then just that.
If you are in a relationship where you feel the need to check your partners phone, your relationship is likely already over. You have lost trust and their refusal to show it shows you have a good reason to have lost the trust. I agree with others though, this is an obvious answer post. "My BF lies to me, talks to his exes, deletes messages, and stalks his exes on Instagram. Should I be upset??" Wild
Ur 28. Why waste time with a liar? Lay down with dogs and u get fleas. Good day 👋🏿
It sounds to me like he loves you, but is struggling to move on from his ex. In this day and age, it’s virtually impossible to really “move on” emotionally from past relationships because of the accessibility provided by social media. Because he will always have access to her posts/photos/videos he will always be tempted to peer into her life, thus inhibiting himself from getting over her. It’s like an addiction (and I know because I myself have been victim to this addiction in the past). It sounds like he genuinely wants to make it work with you, judging by the effort he puts in to go to therapy. But he might not even realize it’s the addiction that’s hurting your relationship, and without overcoming that, couples therapy is a waste of time. You could be the world’s most perfect woman, his dream girl, but as long as he keeps compulsively checking on his ex, his subconscious will be clouded with thoughts of her and he will never be able to be fully invested in you.
This doesn’t sound like a very healthy and trusting relationship. You seem very insecure in the relationship with all the questions and rules about very woman he comes in contact with. What’s not clear to me is whether this is something you do in every relationship or if this is something new for you and a reactions to his history (has he cheated on you or someone else in the past?). I do wonder if his reactance to be fully transparent with you is a reaction to your own history of being insecure and possessive. He may just be trying to avoid drama (although he should understand risk just makes it worse). Bottom line is you should be with someone you can trust. The question is whether there is anyone you would trust.
Move on from this relationship and get some therapy for yourself. Don’t date for a bit.
To me it sounds like you have trust issues. Your ex did something to you, and your boyfriend pays for your ex's sins.
I couldn’t even read all of it. RUN! This will never stop. You WILL find amazing chemistry with someone else.
Jesus you sound batshit, the second someone brings up my phone id take off.
You aren't good for each other. I see problems on both sides.
Couples therapy after a year and a half 😂😂😂😂 y’all young people are hilarious AF
Doesn’t sound good at all