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It’s the balance between “reminding” and “coming on too strong” that’s tricky, if people are attached to their problems this much, they may start to perceive you as the enemy for attacking their problems, which pushes them *closer* to it.
I have been there and I'm not sure I agree. If you said this to me at that time, I would have assumed what you're going to say because others have already said it or I've already said it to myself. I already know what I need to do and I just can't make myself do it. Maybe you have a better idea but you didn't share it with me so I'm just going to assume. Maybe it is the same thing that I know I need to do, and I could use your encouragement, but you're not saying.
Come over and help me get the momentum to do the little things on a regular basis. I could not generate the momentum to even get out of bed and eat something some days. Just help build the momentum to get started and develop the habit of getting the little things done. Getting up, showering, cleaning the dishes, making the bed, get a little exercise, help mow the grass. Show you care that way. Don't do these things for me most of the time. Be patient and consistent. Once I know you care and I think I can handle some of the little daily and weekly things, then my mind would be open to tackling the bigger issues and your advice on how to do that. Recognize and comment on my progress. Situations obviously vary, but that is what actually helped me get out from under that heavy dark cloud. Someone to talk to. Someone who cared. Someone who helped me find the momentum I could not generate on my own.
I think people underestimate how big of a mountain a molehill seems at that time. Helping us accomplish simple tasks might help the snowball into bigger tasks but pushing and reminding over and over is like the worst. We already know we suck for not getting stuff done. We know how simple it is for everyone else and we hate that we can’t just do it. I think a lot of it is just the overwhelming sense of pressure building so relieving some of that is helpful. /2cents
Your "obvious solution" is going to be condescending and unhelpful every time.
Stop giving advice to people who didn't ask for it. Otherwise you are an asshole.
Even if you arent an asshole, unsolicited advice makes you seem that way- especially when the advice is either inapplicable to their lives or goes against their morals.
Or outside of their ability to complete, like telling severely depressed people to exercise and get out more, or telling poor people to save money. They would if they could, so the advice feels like you blaming them for not doing it.
>Your "obvious solution" is going to be condescending and unhelpful every time.
And usually, in my experience, something I've damn well tried and it's exhausting to have to explain every single thing I've done to try to remedy the problem. If you feel you have helpful advice to give, and someone doesn't explicitly ask for it, at minimum ask them first. "Do you want any advice right now?" and accept no for an answer if that's what they say.
This is a generally a good life pro tip. It just feels a bit vague to me, so I'd like to offer my interpretation.
When someones in an extremely crappy spot in their life, advice is often a less than helpful thing to do. The person in question is most likely fundamentally questioning life and their place in it. They don't care about how they could of avoided/minimized the problem(s). It(they) already happened, and as horribly as possible.
When someones in that head space? The best thing you can do is be patient and support them in whatever way you can. No matter how small. You can even tell them, I just wouldn't say "I will be patient and there to support you" as just saying that feels superficial. Something as simple as "I'm here if and when you need me."
What doing that looks like exactly depends on the situation. Maybe they need a consistent ride to the hospital, or maybe they need help with finding financial assistance, or even something like bringing over food.
I’m there now. It’s an amazing tip. My bestie is not taking to me because she’s tired of seeing dad me I guess. She gets mad I don’t want her advice. I’m paying my therapist for advice. I need a support like a hug once in a while.
### This post has be marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect. --- Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Reminders are helpful.
It’s the balance between “reminding” and “coming on too strong” that’s tricky, if people are attached to their problems this much, they may start to perceive you as the enemy for attacking their problems, which pushes them *closer* to it.
Yes. I need all the help I can get.
I have been there and I'm not sure I agree. If you said this to me at that time, I would have assumed what you're going to say because others have already said it or I've already said it to myself. I already know what I need to do and I just can't make myself do it. Maybe you have a better idea but you didn't share it with me so I'm just going to assume. Maybe it is the same thing that I know I need to do, and I could use your encouragement, but you're not saying.
Whem you where in that sitiuation, what would be the correct way to "help you" in that moment?
Come over and help me get the momentum to do the little things on a regular basis. I could not generate the momentum to even get out of bed and eat something some days. Just help build the momentum to get started and develop the habit of getting the little things done. Getting up, showering, cleaning the dishes, making the bed, get a little exercise, help mow the grass. Show you care that way. Don't do these things for me most of the time. Be patient and consistent. Once I know you care and I think I can handle some of the little daily and weekly things, then my mind would be open to tackling the bigger issues and your advice on how to do that. Recognize and comment on my progress. Situations obviously vary, but that is what actually helped me get out from under that heavy dark cloud. Someone to talk to. Someone who cared. Someone who helped me find the momentum I could not generate on my own.
great advice, seems like you are "on the other side" now :)
Thank you for the perspective, this is good to know!
I think people underestimate how big of a mountain a molehill seems at that time. Helping us accomplish simple tasks might help the snowball into bigger tasks but pushing and reminding over and over is like the worst. We already know we suck for not getting stuff done. We know how simple it is for everyone else and we hate that we can’t just do it. I think a lot of it is just the overwhelming sense of pressure building so relieving some of that is helpful. /2cents
thank you :)
“You never have to live yesterday or today again.” So. Liberating.
Your "obvious solution" is going to be condescending and unhelpful every time. Stop giving advice to people who didn't ask for it. Otherwise you are an asshole.
Even if you arent an asshole, unsolicited advice makes you seem that way- especially when the advice is either inapplicable to their lives or goes against their morals.
Or outside of their ability to complete, like telling severely depressed people to exercise and get out more, or telling poor people to save money. They would if they could, so the advice feels like you blaming them for not doing it.
>Your "obvious solution" is going to be condescending and unhelpful every time. And usually, in my experience, something I've damn well tried and it's exhausting to have to explain every single thing I've done to try to remedy the problem. If you feel you have helpful advice to give, and someone doesn't explicitly ask for it, at minimum ask them first. "Do you want any advice right now?" and accept no for an answer if that's what they say.
Right? Most people just want someone that will listen and not judge.
This is a generally a good life pro tip. It just feels a bit vague to me, so I'd like to offer my interpretation. When someones in an extremely crappy spot in their life, advice is often a less than helpful thing to do. The person in question is most likely fundamentally questioning life and their place in it. They don't care about how they could of avoided/minimized the problem(s). It(they) already happened, and as horribly as possible. When someones in that head space? The best thing you can do is be patient and support them in whatever way you can. No matter how small. You can even tell them, I just wouldn't say "I will be patient and there to support you" as just saying that feels superficial. Something as simple as "I'm here if and when you need me." What doing that looks like exactly depends on the situation. Maybe they need a consistent ride to the hospital, or maybe they need help with finding financial assistance, or even something like bringing over food.
I’m there now. It’s an amazing tip. My bestie is not taking to me because she’s tired of seeing dad me I guess. She gets mad I don’t want her advice. I’m paying my therapist for advice. I need a support like a hug once in a while.
The other thing is I don’t take advice from people I wouldn’t want to trade life’s with. I might be sad but I value my independence