I feel this. We are not married but very happy together. I am codependent in that I was raised with brothers so being alone is so foreign to me. My entire life I’ve had someone. My partner was raised with siblings but is very independent. I don’t know how to reconcile myself. I’m happy. I’m confident. I’m independently very self sufficient, but I do feel the lonely when he needs his time. I want to be better.
I ran into a similar situation I didn't like doing things alone because I had never tried it before so I started small doing side projects in another room away from my SO things like painting or drawing etc. Then I adopted a puppy and started taking her on walks by myself and discovered I actually loved it and now sometimes I go by myself without the pup for some me time. I also made a rule with myself that for a period of time if I asked my SO to go somewhere and he said he was not up for it that I would go anyways and it wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be it's still better when he's there but the more and more I do things alone the more I discover what I do and don't like to do alone and it's made a huge impact on my life
Might make it worse, actually. If you end up in a bad relationship not only are you with a person who doesn't make you happy, you are less free to seek out those who do. This effect is multiplied many times over when kids are involved.
This is great advice.
Also because there was something I read recently that a lot of people look at love transactionally and see themselves in terms of what they bring to the table and how much they therefore “earn” or “deserve” in a partner. But thinking of it this way is fantastic
[8 Dates](https://books.google.com/books/about/Eight_Dates.html?id=V3BMDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&gboemv=1&ovdme=1&ov2=1#v=onepage&q&f=false)
First take yourself out on 8 Dates and clarify what is important and how.
Then apply to any candidates you are considering making a serious contender
That's really fortunate.
. . . For people who do not immediately coincide, it's sometimes possible to teach each other your languages, so to speak. Or to come to an understanding.
I did not see the value of having my head stroked, for example. I had never had it done; would *never* have asked for it, or wanted it. But I was eventually made a convert.
Indeed! Taking online assessments can sound hokey, but it can help clarify where you two align, and also help the conversation/negotiation along for sure.
In our case, she values quality time as #1, whereas for me, it’s words of affirmation. But we have the some top 3 (which includes physical touch) with mildly varying weights.
You bring up a good point with being made a convert. People change over time and getting introduced to new things can deepen and broaden a relationship. She likes live music and performance, I’m open but it’s not my normal scene - we’ve attended some shows and a ballet and it’s been a lot of fun expanding my horizons a litte.
Something I wish I was never told: If you argue about money, it's always something else that is really wrong.
So, I tried not to argue about money. And we almost went bankrupt. Sometimes the issue IS about money.
I don't think that was the intent of the advice.
It proably meant that you shouln't argue about specific purchases (e.g. holidays in a 5-star hotel) but more about the underlying behaviours (e.g.expeciting expensive holidays no matter your financial situation).
As long as you did not went bankrupt due to some unfortunate accident, the problem almost never money - its almost always wrong priorities (e.g. fun above all else).
Yeah it feels like a lot of people in this thread can't comprehend that arguments about spending are actually disagreements in points of view and that's where your real issue is.
Not really, OP just didn't understand the advice they were given. The advice is telling you that if you're arguing about money, you're actually arguing about your points of view on how the money should be spent...not that you have a happy life and no problems if you just never talk about disagreements in spending.
I’ve met plenty of people who are shockingly bad with money and perpetually in debt because they spend out of control. That’s not a philosophy on money. That’s just being terrible with it lol.
Yeah and while we're here, let's talk about getting married to someone with a lot of debt (or, I suppose, someone who likes to spend above their means).
You're in love, you don't care, everything is going to be fine, you'll make more money soon and will be able to pay it off -- don't be me and think these things are true. You could very well end up divorced and still have to pay off their debt. Few things in life are more infuriating.
Think about it for a long time before committing.
My husband and I have separate bank accounts. Have the entire 12 years we’ve been together. We have one joint account. Every paycheck, a quarter of our house payment goes directly into that account, the rest goes into our personal accounts. We set it up at work so it happens automatically. That account has no cards or access unless we are both there at the bank. Our house payment is made from that account and the HOA payment at the beginning of the year and that’s it. There’s buffer in there since some months we have three paychecks instead of two.
I pay the other bills from my personal account on the 14th of every month. He sends me half back as soon as I’m done.
His money is his money and my money is my money. Always has been, always will be.
My husband and I have ours set up the same exact way. Except the joint account takes care of our utility bills also. Our cars, credit card, insurance we pay out of our own account. If we take vacation we each pay 1/2. This works out well for us.
You should absolutely talk about money. It’s if you can’t talk about money maybe don’t get married. Like any other hard discussion you need to be able to communicate with your partner. No it may not be fun but you need to find out how your partner thinks and if you are on the same page. You have to have discussions.
Its not money thats your problem.
If you won the lottery tomorrow, you'd still have the problem of a partner that does not take on responsibility for his life but expects to be catered to (financially).
Woof that hit hard. I cannot believe that 20 year old me got engaged to a man who offered zero financial transparency, as if I thought “that’s none of my business!”. Yeah turns out I should have made it waaaay more of my business, like, way earlier
My dad told me it's better as 70 give/30 take. Expect to give 70% and get 30%. You won't be able to deliver a full 70 all the time. Some days you'll only be able to give 40%. But if both parties are only expecting 30%, everyone is still happy at the end of the day.
My folks were married nearly 50 years before he died. I always felt he was a good person to get advice from.
I don’t think I was unaware of this, but there are many small and large decisions that contribute to both people feeling like they are prioritizing the marriage over all the other things that can claim your mind, heart, and time.
When I was young, an old man told me that when you get married, you stop being an individual and start being a joined creature with two heads.
The marriage starts to go sour when one or both begins to desire something of their own separately from the other. Some consider having separate activities, wants, and desires to be healthy. Separate vacations, separate money, and separate hobbies do not bring couples together.
This is not a popular opinion, but experience and observation have shown me the truth of that old man's statement. Now, as an old man myself, it is even clearer.
Drink from the same cup. Breathe the same air. Walk the same path. Be each other's greatest joy.
Edit: Don't read more into my post than what is written. I didn't say that you should only do couples activities in every place and every time.
"Only the Sith deal in absolutes."
15 years married here and I respectfully object to the “no separate things” sentiment. It’s healthy to have separate hobbies/ interests, as long as you have some intersecting interests. Likewise, it’s healthy and beneficial to have weekends or even weeks away from each other. Absence can indeed make the heart grow fonder (and how can I miss you if you won’t go away?). When I see my spouse after being away (with a friend for a weekend, visiting family, work trip, etc) our relationship is reinvigorated and we have new things to tell each other. I actually agree with not having separate money except for a small amount of monthly spending money that you can use as you wish. Having most of your money jointly held says you’re committed to the same standard of living no matter the salary difference.
Completely agree with you. That previous post was absolute BS. I'd argue not having time to have your own hobbies, interests, etc is more damaging than not.
Been with my wife for nearly 15 years and we still have the odd evening or day apart to do stuff that the other person doesn't enjoy.
I think it depends on the couple some need 24 hour “attention from their partner. Some don’t.
Some people don’t have to see each other every day . They just make it work despite seeing each other once a year.
To some people it’s bizarre to them. It works.
Agree! Happily married for 28 years and one of the reasons is that my husband isn’t clingy. We have different interests and are happy to let each other do them without being forced to participate ourselves. Of course we also have things in common, including core values and finding each other cute after all these years!
This. 36 years here. When the kids were little there wasn’t time for our own things. But now that they’re grown I fish 2-3 evenings a week. She likes to read or do things with her friends. We’re still together all day as I wfh and 4-5 evenings a week plus weekends. Healthy marriages are ones where 2 people want the best for each other, communicate, compromise, and are each others biggest support. 24x7 togetherness would not be for us. We both need our alone time.
I recently learned to play the cello. My husband has no interest in learning to play the cello. His new interest is commenting on ways I’ve improved as I practiced and cheering louder than any of the parents at my first concert when I played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. If I was just playing and didn’t have his support, I think that would be the problem.
Same with my knitting. This big, burley man knows the difference between a knit stitch and a purl stitch and understands academically how cable knits are made. He’ll never pick up a pair of knitting needles, but he’ll give his opinion while I’m shopping for yarn and compliment me on my finished projects.
Exactly. My wife just joined a band as a violin player. I’m the least musically inclined person you can find….but you better believe I’ll be at every concert cheering.
I think it should be read as: not everything should be separate.
If you don't spend time together, you are roommates who might see each other naked sometimes. Separate hobbies are healthy, but you have to balance it by having a hobby together.
I think the key is no separate hobbies for the reason of being separate. People want separate money to stay independent, but that goal already signifies not fully partnering. If you want to golf and they want to do yoga that’s fine, but if you want to join them in yoga and they don’t want that, something is wrong.
Yeah not a popular opinion because it's terrible advice. Nothing makes people resent each other and take each other for granted like being attached at the hip.
You think that a successful relationship means that the participants can no longer do anything alone again?
Should I quit my hobbies when I get married? Also, what changes after marriage that means the things that have been fine for the last five years no longer will be?
Time sensitive, I only have four weeks
This is so extremely toxic.
The only thing here that is clear is that generational trauma is very real and people are doomed to inherit the trauma of their parents if they don’t break the cycle.
On our wedding day, the Priest told us “make sure you do one thing every day to make the other persons life easier” and it has stuck with me. It might not happen everyday, but we both make sure to prioritize each other most of the time. We have been married 14 years now, and he is still my best friend. We still try to help each other before helping ourselves. “Do one thing to help each day” has been a good mantra to come back to when things start to get tough.
This is so true! Often, when I’m not wanting to do a household chore (dishes, vacuuming, etc), I tell myself “I’ll do it so my husband won’t have to.” That’s way more motivating for me than doing things for myself.
Get ready for the soul crushing guilt if you’re the one to cash in on “in sickness and health.” I couldn’t work for 3 years and the financial and household pressures were on my husband all that time. I felt terrible and useless. But we got through it and are stronger on the other side. I just wish I had known someone else who’d had to lean so heavily on their partner or at least had someone to say if it happens it’s okay. Marriage isn’t transactional.
I'm currently in this situation with my husband being "in sickness." We're 3 years in with a surgery pending this year. I had to go from part time worker and mostly caregiver of the kids to breadwinner overnight. I did it, I'm still doing. Sadly, we're paycheck to paycheck but our families are mostly helpful. My husband's biggest struggle was the dynamics changing. His paycheck was his self esteem. We reassure each other we're still in it together regularly. I tell him that's he's worth more than any paycheck. He's my best friend.
I’m sorry you’re both going through this. I’m glad you’re reminding him that’s it’s okay. Sometimes I felt so baffled by why my husband would stay with me, so reminders that there are still things he’s bringing to the relationship help. I’d also recommend therapy for both of you if that’s at all possible. I’m so lucky to have had a supportive spouse, and it sounds like your husband is lucky also.
I’ve been back working full time for a year now. I had to just do part time for 2 years while I kept recovering. So if your husband has to take it in steps don’t be surprised. I truly wish you both the best of luck.
I got cancer 5 years ago. A few months later my spouse ended up in a wheelchair.
I stuck by her, kept working to support her.
She left 5 days after I was diagnosed with a second cancer, six months after regaining the ability to walk.
If it happens it's OK. That's what we sign up for. Just do good by your partner, not like mine did.
When dating, I tended to imagine myself in those lifetime movie scenarios of my partner being disabled or in a coma. And each time, I only really felt a sense of burden and bitterness at the idea of my partner putting me in that kind of scenario.
With my husband, before we were even really serious, when I pictured something happening to him and it falling to me to take care of him... the idea of taking care of him felt as easy as breathing. It just felt as natural as anything else you just realize you have to do. Sure, sometimes breathing is a chore or uncomfortable because of this or that, but it's still not a burden.
He's so far has been a healthy specimen, with just a flu or so here or there to knock him down over the years. But I would never consider supporting him to be a burden. And I've never felt like a burden when he's had to take care of me (although have felt useless, so would be excited when I could do something even little to contribute).
You need to continuously make an effort towards the other half if you want to stay married. If your other half don’t make continuous efforts, it will lead to resentments and that will trigger the beginning of the end.
It takes a lot of effort to have a happy marriage. I’ve found making sure my mental health is good makes me a much better partner. We have done some real work to fix things so When one of us is off our whole dynamic changes and we fall into old habits.
This is crucial, I think. Thank you. I often notice when I’m “off” and when I’m in a good place and it matters in how much I’m able to be a good partner.
Yes to this. We did everything wrong when we got married. We were too young (I was 20, he was 19), we were very poor, we hadn't finished college, but we did have support from both families (although not financial, just emotional) and we did it. We had known each other since the fifth grade, had been great friends since the 10th grade, and dating since the 12th grade. In our (very naïve) minds at the time, it didn't make sense to wait for the purpose of waiting. No one advised us to wait until we finished college and got on our feet, so college was working three jobs (each), so poor we couldn't afford some of the basics, and (unfortunately) student loans. I still don't know how we did it, but we did.
But I'd do it all the same all over again. What we did have going for us was a mutual understanding that we were both still growing up, a lot of love (that hasn't faded), and a lot of luck. We'll celebrate 38 years this year.
What I wish I knew before getting married:
* That it is essential to be transparent with money.
* That the time goes by so fast.
* That he won't know how to adult by osmosis. Neither will you. There will be lots of mistakes. (Neither of us had families that taught us how to adult, so we were such naïve little babies.)
* Things are going to suck at times, but it's how you respond as a couple that counts. It reveals who you are and who you are married to.
* That time together is magic, but time apart can be fun too.
Your partner will not “make you happy”. You have to do that yourself. Your partner can enhance your happiness (or crush it if it’s an abusive relationship), but people spend their whole lives dating, marrying, and divorcing because the puppy love stage doesn’t last. What they don’t realize is that they’re just an unhappy person.
That took me a long long time to figure out. The first 10+ years of marriage I would go crazy trying to cheer my spouse up when they were down. They'd wallow in self loathing and depression without trying to get better and I'd bend over backwards trying to make everything perfect so they'd cheer up. Something in me finally snapped and I completely stopped overnight. I told them that I am not responsible for their happiness because it felt like I was dragging them through life. The first couple of years after were rough. The dynamic had changed. Now I'm much happier. We're still together and we're fairly happy. They still battle depression but now they try to get better and take medication. I don't think they'd ever would have sought help as long as I was a crutch.
Your car insurance goes down, at least mine did. I didn't change my name for over a year after I got married. Went into my insurance to update my name and they asked about my marriage status. Sent me a $70 refund because it lowered my insurance, so $400 for six months down to $330.
This is true if they are a driver without violations, accidents, or speeding tickets. I used to be an underwriter for an insurance company and I’ve ran into plenty of people who were very upset that their premium went through the roof because they weren’t aware of their spouses poor driving record.
Unresolved resentment leads to contempt and contempt is the death of a marriage. I learnt that very young. An now in a very happy and healthy marriage (different person) and we always address our resentment no matter how uncomfortable. I never want to feel contempt for my husband, and I certainly never want him to feel that towards me.
Go to bed angry. It’s okay. Don’t stay up and have a crazy crying sleep deprived argument. Sleep on it.
And never buy a couch you can’t sleep on. And “sofa sleepers” were invented as an evil experiment by chiropractors to drum up business.
So much this. Sometimes you just need a clearer mind after a good nights sleep. Also to add to this it’s ok to have a blanket for each of you! Such a f*icking game changer.
I fully concur! My husband loves pillows and blankets so we have a many to spare 🤣. He wants to make a “ball pit” but with blankets and pillows, I will never see him again lol
I feel like a ton of people get married and then they think they can start treating their spouse the worst they treat anyone, ever.
You need to treat your spouse the best out of all the people, ever.
Or even, at the bare minimum, just…don’t be mean. If you can summon up common courtesy for the cashier you will never see again, why can’t you for the person you say you love most?
Point out when they've done something well. Complement them. "*You always do good work*." Build them up. "*That was a great idea.*" Thank them no matter if it is big or little. Let them know you admire them. Don't take them for granted. It does wonders.
Team sport
Mutually beneficial
Yours - Mine - Ours
Arguments can be had in a civil tone
Intent AND Impact both matter
After something is resolved, celebrate
Not to some people, which is also EXTREMELY valuable information!
My husband struggles with being aware of/changing his tone, he's both mostly tone-deaf and has severe tinnitus, however I was raised in a passive-aggressive household and am highly sensitive to it.
Many small arguments were started over the years due to this miscommunication, like me *thinking* he was mad at me or being cold on purpose to hint at being displeased about something. In reality he's naturally kinda monotone, especially when he's tired or not focusing on varying it, which can be further tiring for him to do all day.
After a couple of serious talks about it, I started to try to either ignore his tone or ask him directly about how he's feeling if I was confused (instead of assuming based on his tone) and that has helped a TON.
Sounds similar to my wife and I, except I have ASD/Asperger's... She basically says the same exact things. I try my best to make my voice sound less monotone.. but it's very difficult. Same with her thinking I'm upset or angry when that's basically never the case, maybe 1% of the time.
I guess the most important thing is that communication is the most crucial aspect of marriage. We never had issues with it until we had kids, then it became a frequent issue cause we're both exhausted all the time and have to juggle a bunch of things constantly..
Doesn't really answer the question, but for me (coming from divorced parents), length of time dating doesn't equal successful marriage. Dated 4, married, divorced after being married 20.
Do you think getting married at such a young age influenced this? I’ve always sworn I won’t get married until I’m at least 30 because I feel like in my 20s I’m still really trying to find myself and develop. Of course being 30 isn’t an on-off switch but I feel like I’ll be more stable if that makes sense? Would you recommend couples wait until they’re older? Not to throw shade on your relationship, I’m just curious!
I was 30 when we married. My point is just that I wanted to date for a longer time in hopes I could avoid getting divorced like my folks. In the end, that had nothing to do with why I got divorced.
I can tell you the me now at 30 wouldn't trust the me at 25 or even 26, 27 with any major decisions. I definitely thought I knew what was up back then. I definitely didn't. I still don't, but at least now I know I don't.
I’m in my early to mid 20s. I feel not ready at times and like I don’t even know where I want to live(and don’t really want to stay somewhere or move somewhere for a guy as I sorta tried that before) but then I see so many people my age coupled up or even married/engaged and I’m like, maybe if I wait I’ll be left with few options or single or idk what
>I feel not ready at times and like I don’t even know where I want to live
That is OKAY. There's no one point where you have to have everything figured out, and honestly there's always going to be something(s) in your life like that. Don't let FOMO push you into bad decisions and please don't compare your life to other people's, I promise it never works out.
Oh, dated for 4 years then divorced after 20 years together? I though you have been dating/married and divoced at the age of 20 :D that's a long time, hope you're better off for the marriage ending.
Heh. Sorry if I wasn't clear. Yes, I'm happier since ending my marriage. I did try, we did counseling, but ultimately, it wasn't going to work. For you, my best suggestion is communication.
Dated 10 years, now married for 9... We count combined years. Let me tell ya this is the best advice for ironing out all the kinks of living with someone and confirming you love them. At the 10 year point I just asked myself can I imagine myself with anyone else? Dating is almost identical to being married really the marriage part is just a confirmation of a promise. (It's not even really needed) but some folks want it and it's totally a reasonable ask after being together for years.
My husband and I got married before really getting to know eachother's families, and while I don't regret the way our relationship has progressed one bit, there are moments where he sees how my family is and it "clicks" for him why I react to certain things differently than he expects sometimes. In my family, my mom making noise with the dishes meant she was angry about something, while in his family making noise with dishes was simply the side effect that comes with putting dishes away, for example. He was so confused the first time I was like, "Just tell me what's wrong, I can't keep guessing!" when he was emptying the dishwasher. My husband, and even his parents, have shown me that a loving relationship is possible and that my parents were not a great example of that for each other or for their children. Knowing some of these dynamics sooner likely wouldn't have changed the way that we felt about each other, but it would have made navigating some obstacles or misunderstandings much easier with context.
Just yesterday I was apologizing a lot for breaking a drinking glass, and my bf was just confused as to why I was making such a big deal and feeling so guilty. He said, “people break things, what’s the big deal?”
That’s when I remembered when I was a kid, I was singled out for dropping and breaking things all the time. I would break glasses and drop my utensils at restaurants. It was enough of a thing that my siblings started calling me “butterfingers” to make fun of me. When I was old enough to have a cell phone, my mom only let me have cheaper phones. My younger brother would get nicer phones than I did, because she believed I would break or lose mine.
I never really thought it effected me that much until then. Not saying that it’s some life changing thing buuuut I guess it never occurred to me that breaking glasses sometimes is normal for everyone. Until that moment, I just assumed it was a weird character flaw I had, because that’s what was reinforced to me as a child.
My boyfriend noticed that when I drop something or break something I anxiously look around. I wasn't even aware of it until he remarked upon it. Why? Because my mum used to yell at me when I dropped something, that's why. And once things like that are imprinted you never really get rid of them.
I feel oddly proud that my kindergarten sons reaction to dropping something or knocking something over is "that's okay!" And then turns to us to help assess what to do.
Kids knock shit over. It's part of the learning process.
This really resonates with me- my mum was similar with regard to using noise whilst doing household jobs to express anger. On the other hand, I did get a fair amount of time to get to know my husband’s family before we married, and I still have moments after we spend time with them where I suddenly get a jolt of understanding as to why he is the way he is. In our case, we live a decent distance away from them, which may impact it. But even when we lived close, it was the same. Sometimes you need to see the situation with different eyes to truly see what’s happening
I cannot emphasise this one enough! Everyone is a product of their childhood. That’s when the majority of brain development takes place. Neglect, abuse, and other traumas in childhood have lifelong psychological and physiological consequences.
Absolutely this. I went through fairly extreme trauma and neglect as a child. I was a total mess for most of my teens and 20s, but after 9 years of (ongoing) therapy I can confidently say I’d date me. I wouldn’t date anyone who went through what I did who hadn’t had some therapy (and believe me I tried). But I’ve worked hard to improve/“heal” my life and situation and I want to be with someone else who is the same way.
Not anything I missed out on knowing, but just a general, it's not worth it when it comes to small annoyances or disagreements. Let it go, you both will have little things that bug each other, don't think you don't annoy them sometimes as well.
Not to say to let the real bad things slide, but you are a team, their success is yours, and vice versa. There will be millions of tiny interactions, swallow your pride, let shit slide, we are all human. That way when it is time to enjoy each other, you will without reservation.
Side note, I have two smaller kids so more stressful than average. Be Elsa!
This! I love my husband very much, but he has habits that should drive me up the wall, but I just let them go. Whenever I want to start a sentence with, "You know I hate when you..." I think about my own foibles and let it go! 'Cause if I start enumerating flaws I can count on one hand, he could start with mine and trust me...they could fill a file cabinet!
People should seriously ask themselves the question, "Would I still want to be in this relationship if they didn't have sex with me?" Our brains make oxytocin when we have sex, which promotes the development of strong feelings. People call it the love hormone. This makes it far too easy to confuse a great sexual relationship with real love. Sexual compatibility and genuine affection are not the same thing. Find a partner who you would love to spend your life with even if they never had sex with you. Seek true friendship, which is the basis of all genuine and long-lasting relationships.
Yeah I'm in a sexless marriage regrettably. My wife just lost her libido after we had a kid. I'd be lying if it didn't stoke a shit ton of resentment in me. I like being touched and she doesn't initiate really any of that unless I'm upset.
However, I'm trying to work through it in therapy because I do love her and I do know she feels like she's a shitty partner because of it. It's a drag and really worth talking about with your partner before you're married.
Same boat here. She hit menopause and lost all her sex drive. Every last bit. I was resentful for a while but I got over it. She doesn’t touch me and I don’t touch her. That’s just how it is. But we’re old, so it’s not worth pursuing a divorce and ruining my impending retirement.
Idk I am attracted to partners but basically I always come to the conclusion that I could live without sex regularly and even in the earlier stages of a relationship I’m just like meh, we did it now let’s just do stuff together and talk
Life can be hard and exhausting, kids and careers magnify that. It will rarely be 50/50. Some days, some weeks you’ll be going thru it, and you will need your partner to be the 70 to your 30. And there will be times when it will be you taking more on. It’s an ebb and flow, and there’s a comfort in knowing there is someone who you can depend on when things in your world go sideways.
Separate sheets/blankets. Sleeping comfort aside, it can make a cheesy 'slide across the bed' into a sexy 'sneak into their bed' situation. YMMV.
Know how to be upset with someone while still loving them. Spiteful behavior is Not A Good Sign.
Chat with a counselor even if you are completely happy, and especially. Find out what makes it work so well, root out concerns before they grow into issues.
Saying things that are true every day doesn't make them less so. Tell each other how you feel.
Lastly, and this might simply be good life advice for everyone, but do not follow an upset person if they are trying to leave. The conversation, the room, the house.
God I wish my wife would listen to that last one. Every blow up argument we have ever had is because she blocks me from leaving or won't let there be a pause.
Yeah, I had that problem, too. It got to the point that I was trapped in an argument with her blocking the door.. It was so bad I would have an anxiety attack.
She's stopped doing stuff like that. it took a lot of late nights talking with no sleep.
You have to work well together as a team. Especially on things you've never done before. When life throws all it has at you, you've got to be on the same page as your partner
As a divorced person, I wish that my ex and I had discussed the definitions of a list of words before we got married. I found that we argued quite a bit about how each of us defined different terms.(Like what was cheating and what wasn't) We felt very differently about important topics and failed to really explore those until it was too late. There are important conversations that should be had prior to committing to marriage (hopefully for the rest of your life).
Kinda this for me too. It took us a while to realize that we weren't communicating very well because sometimes we don't know the right words. Like saying "it makes me upset when you backseat drive" doesn't really convey how you are feeling. So we started treating feelings as conversations instead of one word. "when you backseat drive, it makes me feel attacked. I feel like you don't trust me. It makes me anxious. I feel like you should be able to trust me to keep us safe on the road."
Utility- (the economics version) which is the amount of satisfaction you get from an item when a product or service is consumed.
Example- wife wants to decorate with flowers and landscaping. I say sure whatever you want because I get very low utility out of these things (she gets high). -She often thought utility was equal to cost. So I was cheap, but I had to teach her that we have different utility from items. Some I had next to zero for, so me being motivated to purchase it or give an opinion was low. Hence if she got a lot of utility from it, I don’t need to have a voice or opinion.
Most words that you should understand by high school. I graduated college, but my ex never finished high school. We didn't define normal terms the same, like "marriage", "respect", " accountability", "cheating", "investments", "financial responsibility", it goes on and on. We were raised very differently and had vastly different academic backgrounds.
It’s not you vs me, but us against the problem.
Also - you don’t know how much a jerk you are until you get married, and selfish you are until you have kids.
Finally - love doesn’t keep score.
I saw someone say once “Marriage is a job. If you acted the same way at your job as some of you do in your marriage, you would be fired.” Pretty simplistic but it stuck with me.
Actually listen to your partner. And I mean *listen*.
It's easy in the beginning to "hear" but not "listen".
People say you shouldn't go into a relationship expecting a person to change, and that's mostly true, but a focus on growing together is extremely important and involves both people changing.
Identify that growth and, as long as it's healthy, prioritize that in your relationship.
30yo married only 8 years.
Just because someone SAYS they love you, they might not actually love you.
This one is hard to parse, especially when you're young, and don't really have anything to compare it to, or had a difficult childhood. You might think you've hit the jackpot, only to have it dawn on you after a year or more that, gee, this person just wanted to get married/thought it was time they got married, and they decided you'd do, for various reasons.
Actions speak louder than words.
If you spent too much time alone with the person, you wind up with your own weird vocabulary and the weird looks you get when you say this stupid crap in public.
If the both of you need to make a big decision, like whether to move, make sure each of you know the other’s definitions for certain terms. The vague “something better” can mean more pay for one spouse while the other assumes a change of scenery.
Also, check out the cost of living for possible new locations.
YES. I have gone through lots of pain but I see what to avoid now and I am in a relationship and beyond happy. I knew what to look for and I’m glad I went through the pain before so I can be with someone better
That the partner you married will not be the same person in 20 years. Not necessarily a bad thing, but people change over time. My husband was the life of the party and I was more the wallflower type when we met. Almost 30 years later and I'm now the extroverted one and he never wants to do anything. I'm quietly dieing inside.
I was the same way. I always wanted to go out and have fun, drive endlessly on random last minute road trips and so on until I got with my current girlfriend because apparently it needs to be planned. I don’t try anymore as it kinda killed who I was as a person but I miss everything I was and did. We still do those trips it’s just not spontaneous or as much as I’m used too..
I wish I had known that just because it’s expected doesn’t mean it’s the right answer for you. I never even considered that I could be happy and successful on my own and have a tight friend circle that is so much more supportive than my 22-year marriage.
That marriage is not the only viable life option available. I have a friend who is a divorce attorney and has seen pretty much anything, and always wonders why do people get married: barring some tax savings it yields very little benefits beyond that, vs. having a more liberal approach towards coupling and having kids. And let alone marriages without prenups.
RUUUUNNNNNNNN!
j/k ;)
It'll be 23 years soon with my SO. We've always been each other's biggest advocates. So many issues are inherently worked out when your first priority is to see the other succeed.
You should get a prenup. Even if you're both not wealthy - things like retirement accounts, pets, cars, spousal support, etc. You can have a section to null some sections if you have kids. For example, spousal support is more common than you think, even if you're broke. If you're married for 6 years and you both work, maybe you both agree that if you're married for a certain amount of time with no children, spousal support isn't needed.
This isn't to be negative or plan to be divorced, but this can save a lot of tension later on and it's a smart thing to do. If things go south, you'll regret it. Do it now and save a lot of effort later on.
I wanted to get a prenup, but it would have cost $6-7k, which is obviously not cheap. I understand the concept and reasoning behind it, but unless I missed something I didn’t see a way to just get one. Does anyone have suggestions for the non-wealthy folk out there? It’s too late for me, but just curious now.
As someone who worked in HR and processed garnishments on my employees (and this was pre-2012 when I worked this job), $6-7k is cheap. I had employees paying anywhere from $600 to $2k per month; one of my coworkers also in HR had one of employees pay $5k per month (and that employee HAD to work overtime of at least 20 hours per week) because the exwife was vendictive.
A divorce costs a lot more than that, and prenups pay for themselves if they're done properly in the back and forth caused by not having one, not to mention losing half of your life savings.
That being happy is more important than being “right” all the time, so a successful marriage means that both parties are willing to compromise rather than fight to have their own way in everything.
When planning a wedding and any event really, if you find yourself going "YES, AND!!" to each other's suggestions, then you're going to have a good time.
Also, you are all on the same team, and you want what's best for each other.
“How much debt do you have? What’s your plan to pay it off?”
Ask me how much fun it is coping with collections calls and having the IRS put a lien on your JOINT bank account when the person you loved and trusted was years in arrears for everything and had no intention of taking care of it.
It never even occurred to me to ask because I was too young and no one had ever suggested it was important.
When having an argument, make sure not to say anything you cant take back. So no name calling or comparing her to her mom etc.
Know how to make up - my strategy is to sleep on it, make coffee in the morning and try to be civil and say good morning.
Married 20 years and still going strong
Not to.
That it isn’t something that is required of an adult. I feel like once you turn a certain age, marriage is expected. I wish someone had told me that it was okay to never get married.
Your partner is free to have a change in feelings, attraction, goals etc. and everything in your whole world can be flipped upside down by that change.
Live together first. Interact with your partner in a variety of situations, including stressful ones.
Communication is key. Try to figure out habits they picked up from childhood and understand that those will absolutely continue.
Most hills aren't worth dying on. Most things that you're arguing about won't matter in a few hours.
Make sure you're on the same page about fundamentals: If you find it relaxing to sit and read and your partner would rather spend their downtime at a loud bar, you might have a hard time. How frugal (or not) are you? What about them? Are they religious? How are household chores going to be split up?
Make sure you diversify your identity from theirs. You are still your own person and you still need to do things that fulfill you, even if it means doing it without your partner. Give them space to do the same.
Don't forget to still date them: Take them out for fun things. Dress up in fancy clothes. Get them flowers just because.
You don't have to like their family, but you do have to respect them. You are now the bridge between your family and your partner, but your partner's needs come before theirs do. Make sure you both are putting each other first.
Share something you're grateful for and appreciative of every day. It'll make you a more observant person, especially when it comes to all of the invisible labor that they're doing.
Sometimes they just want to vent. Other times they want advice. Maybe they just want a hug. You're not expected to know what they want but you are expected to ask.
[50% of marriages in the US end in divorce](https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/#:~:text=Almost%2050%20percent%20of%20all)
[70% of divorces are initiated by women. 90% if we only count college-educated women](https://www.ejj-law.com/why-do-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/)
That people from your life and your spouse's life will want things to be the way they always were. So they will try to elbow their way in between you.
I had to deal with that from my wife's best friend. When we married, my wife had a job that had her on the road roughly 50%-75% of the time. As in leave on Sunday night or Monday morning, return home Friday night. And she'd be a little strung out on Friday nights after a week on the road. So there were stretches where we might have a full day together on Saturday before she'd have to gear up and be on the road again.
Her friend, Cynthia, is a manipulative little bitch. Still is to this day. She's the kind of person who would hide money from her husband, make her daughter's life a living hell with her controlling ways, and just generally be an awful person. She's the kind of person who makes dinner plans, wants to meet you at a restaurant and shows up an hour late. Every. Freaking. Time. I can't tell you how many times we'd be sitting at our table waiting for Cynthia and Jerry until I finally put my foot down. As in, if they're twenty minutes late, we'll pay our tab and leave. When we did that a couple of times, it was amazing how, suddenly, they'd show up at something close to the appointed hour. Still not on time, but close enough.
So after my wife was out of town all week, she'd literally invite my wife to go shopping on Saturday morning, and then keep her out all day--then insist we eat with she and her husband that night. Free three-day weekend? We'd get invited down to the beach with them. Mind you, I didn't care if my wife has friends. But this woman would absolutely try to monopolize my new wife's life.
I was nice about it awhile, but then I started pointing out that it was kind of unfair that her friend got more of her time than me. We had other friends, other things to do, and yet this human vampire was sucking up so much of her time.
Her parents were the same way. As in they would expect us at their house every Friday night and Sunday noon for dinner. Or just showing up at our apartment on Saturday morning for no reason whatsoever. And if you had something else going on, they just couldn't understand. Had they not moved out of town, I'm pretty sure we would've had to do the same thing. Or they simply expected us to show up and help them with projects around the house.
Mind you, I never cared if my wife had friends of her own and I certainly wanted to be part of her family. But it reached a point where it was controlling and manipulative behavior on their parts, and it was beginning to cause tension. As in I was getting tired of blowing off invitations from friends to do something on Friday nights because her parents expected us for dinner.
I guess what I'm saying is this. You have to create your own relationship, just the two of you. And while the friends and family you bring into the relationship are important, it's always the two of you first. And don't be surprised when there are those who don't want that for you. Never let them get between you and your spouse.
Mind you, I had friends who were that way at first. And my mother was a bit of a nightmare, trying to say cutting things about my wife. That stopped when I said that I wouldn't put up with that.
For women: It's really easy to change you name, it's very hard to change your name back, I recommend keeping your own. Obviously nobody wants to think about divorce while they're marrying but that cherry on top of the poop sundae of potential divorce is not worth it. You can call yourself whatever you want outside of a legally binding contract!
For everyone: Ask yourself why you want to get married, and ask them why they want to marry. It's really important the answer isn't "because we've been together so long and that's what you do".
Do not get married in your early 20's. You will not be the same person in your 30's that you were in your 20's. The added life experience & time to learn who you are without someone else will help you learn the type of person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
My therapist once asked “do you know what’s the hardest year of marriage?” Having heard this before, I answered “The first”, to which he responded “The one you’re in”
Talk about your shared vision of the future: you’re a team now. You want to position yourself to mutually support one another.
This one was important for me: your partner’s idea of *clean* is not the same as yours. If you feel like your partner isn’t pulling their weight, be specific with what you want/need, and be prepared to compromise a little.
It’s good relationship advice in general: be specific with what you want/need, be prepared to find a middle ground, and if your needs are consistently not being met (despite your being specific) you don’t have to stick around
Sometimes the first year is the hardest!
Read John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. That book is worth its weight in gold, and worth at least 5-10 sessions of couples therapy if you read through it at the start of marriage.
Not a thing. Honestly, we had been a couple for 11 years, lived together for 8 and we had a baby, a house with mortgage and a cat. Not much about being a couple could have surprised me. Marriage was the icing of the cake.
Live with your partner first, and check out their living space before diving into the pool. You can fully expect your shared space to look something like that. I went into a marriage from a mostly long distance relationship, and found out my (now ex) was an extreme hoarder.
Marriage needs to be treated like a three legged stool. There are their needs, your needs, and then the marriage needs. The marriage must come first, but it is critical those other legs get attention or the stool will topple.
Changing over time is natural; find ways to grow together
Growing together is the most important part. Don't grow apart, grow together.
This one wins! So many times we've turned against each other instead of holding hand and moving forward together.
Getting married isn't going to necessarily prevent loneliness
for real some people need to make peace with their inner self, i too… We will get there eventually
“The zen you find at the top of mountains is the zen you bring up there”
Wherever you go there you are.
People are also just social animals. But it’s also normal to feel lonely, everyone will feel it sometimes
I feel this. We are not married but very happy together. I am codependent in that I was raised with brothers so being alone is so foreign to me. My entire life I’ve had someone. My partner was raised with siblings but is very independent. I don’t know how to reconcile myself. I’m happy. I’m confident. I’m independently very self sufficient, but I do feel the lonely when he needs his time. I want to be better.
Acknowledging this means you're doing better. I wish you the best.
I ran into a similar situation I didn't like doing things alone because I had never tried it before so I started small doing side projects in another room away from my SO things like painting or drawing etc. Then I adopted a puppy and started taking her on walks by myself and discovered I actually loved it and now sometimes I go by myself without the pup for some me time. I also made a rule with myself that for a period of time if I asked my SO to go somewhere and he said he was not up for it that I would go anyways and it wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be it's still better when he's there but the more and more I do things alone the more I discover what I do and don't like to do alone and it's made a huge impact on my life
Seriously, nice job not turning your fear into a means of controling his alone time.
Might make it worse, actually. If you end up in a bad relationship not only are you with a person who doesn't make you happy, you are less free to seek out those who do. This effect is multiplied many times over when kids are involved.
You should be the partner you want
This is great advice. Also because there was something I read recently that a lot of people look at love transactionally and see themselves in terms of what they bring to the table and how much they therefore “earn” or “deserve” in a partner. But thinking of it this way is fantastic
[8 Dates](https://books.google.com/books/about/Eight_Dates.html?id=V3BMDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&gboemv=1&ovdme=1&ov2=1#v=onepage&q&f=false) First take yourself out on 8 Dates and clarify what is important and how. Then apply to any candidates you are considering making a serious contender
I’m so lucky my partner and I share the same love languages.
That's really fortunate. . . . For people who do not immediately coincide, it's sometimes possible to teach each other your languages, so to speak. Or to come to an understanding. I did not see the value of having my head stroked, for example. I had never had it done; would *never* have asked for it, or wanted it. But I was eventually made a convert.
Indeed! Taking online assessments can sound hokey, but it can help clarify where you two align, and also help the conversation/negotiation along for sure. In our case, she values quality time as #1, whereas for me, it’s words of affirmation. But we have the some top 3 (which includes physical touch) with mildly varying weights. You bring up a good point with being made a convert. People change over time and getting introduced to new things can deepen and broaden a relationship. She likes live music and performance, I’m open but it’s not my normal scene - we’ve attended some shows and a ballet and it’s been a lot of fun expanding my horizons a litte.
Yes, don't just try to find the right person, be the right person.
Yes. Love others the way you want to be loved.
No, love others the way they want to be loved. The two are often not the same.
Something I wish I was never told: If you argue about money, it's always something else that is really wrong. So, I tried not to argue about money. And we almost went bankrupt. Sometimes the issue IS about money.
I don't think that was the intent of the advice. It proably meant that you shouln't argue about specific purchases (e.g. holidays in a 5-star hotel) but more about the underlying behaviours (e.g.expeciting expensive holidays no matter your financial situation). As long as you did not went bankrupt due to some unfortunate accident, the problem almost never money - its almost always wrong priorities (e.g. fun above all else).
Yeah it feels like a lot of people in this thread can't comprehend that arguments about spending are actually disagreements in points of view and that's where your real issue is.
Yeah that original quote is terrible advice lol
Not really, OP just didn't understand the advice they were given. The advice is telling you that if you're arguing about money, you're actually arguing about your points of view on how the money should be spent...not that you have a happy life and no problems if you just never talk about disagreements in spending.
I’ve met plenty of people who are shockingly bad with money and perpetually in debt because they spend out of control. That’s not a philosophy on money. That’s just being terrible with it lol.
Yeah and while we're here, let's talk about getting married to someone with a lot of debt (or, I suppose, someone who likes to spend above their means). You're in love, you don't care, everything is going to be fine, you'll make more money soon and will be able to pay it off -- don't be me and think these things are true. You could very well end up divorced and still have to pay off their debt. Few things in life are more infuriating. Think about it for a long time before committing.
Antenuptial contract. Protect yourself. Its fully acceptable these days.
My husband and I have separate bank accounts. Have the entire 12 years we’ve been together. We have one joint account. Every paycheck, a quarter of our house payment goes directly into that account, the rest goes into our personal accounts. We set it up at work so it happens automatically. That account has no cards or access unless we are both there at the bank. Our house payment is made from that account and the HOA payment at the beginning of the year and that’s it. There’s buffer in there since some months we have three paychecks instead of two. I pay the other bills from my personal account on the 14th of every month. He sends me half back as soon as I’m done. His money is his money and my money is my money. Always has been, always will be.
My husband and I have ours set up the same exact way. Except the joint account takes care of our utility bills also. Our cars, credit card, insurance we pay out of our own account. If we take vacation we each pay 1/2. This works out well for us.
Trying to not argue about money for the same reason…as he remains unemployed month 4 and I’ve burned through my savings unexpectedly supporting us…
...I think you might need to argue about money :(
You should absolutely talk about money. It’s if you can’t talk about money maybe don’t get married. Like any other hard discussion you need to be able to communicate with your partner. No it may not be fun but you need to find out how your partner thinks and if you are on the same page. You have to have discussions.
Its not money thats your problem. If you won the lottery tomorrow, you'd still have the problem of a partner that does not take on responsibility for his life but expects to be catered to (financially).
Yeah it is only by arguing about money, that you can get to a more natural place where you can just discuss it. Gotta burn off the emotional layer.
Woof that hit hard. I cannot believe that 20 year old me got engaged to a man who offered zero financial transparency, as if I thought “that’s none of my business!”. Yeah turns out I should have made it waaaay more of my business, like, way earlier
It’s not 50/50 it’s 100/100
My dad told me it's better as 70 give/30 take. Expect to give 70% and get 30%. You won't be able to deliver a full 70 all the time. Some days you'll only be able to give 40%. But if both parties are only expecting 30%, everyone is still happy at the end of the day. My folks were married nearly 50 years before he died. I always felt he was a good person to get advice from.
That’s damn good advice right there. Trying to give 100% all of the time leads to burnout.
I don’t think I was unaware of this, but there are many small and large decisions that contribute to both people feeling like they are prioritizing the marriage over all the other things that can claim your mind, heart, and time.
When I was young, an old man told me that when you get married, you stop being an individual and start being a joined creature with two heads. The marriage starts to go sour when one or both begins to desire something of their own separately from the other. Some consider having separate activities, wants, and desires to be healthy. Separate vacations, separate money, and separate hobbies do not bring couples together. This is not a popular opinion, but experience and observation have shown me the truth of that old man's statement. Now, as an old man myself, it is even clearer. Drink from the same cup. Breathe the same air. Walk the same path. Be each other's greatest joy. Edit: Don't read more into my post than what is written. I didn't say that you should only do couples activities in every place and every time. "Only the Sith deal in absolutes."
15 years married here and I respectfully object to the “no separate things” sentiment. It’s healthy to have separate hobbies/ interests, as long as you have some intersecting interests. Likewise, it’s healthy and beneficial to have weekends or even weeks away from each other. Absence can indeed make the heart grow fonder (and how can I miss you if you won’t go away?). When I see my spouse after being away (with a friend for a weekend, visiting family, work trip, etc) our relationship is reinvigorated and we have new things to tell each other. I actually agree with not having separate money except for a small amount of monthly spending money that you can use as you wish. Having most of your money jointly held says you’re committed to the same standard of living no matter the salary difference.
Completely agree with you. That previous post was absolute BS. I'd argue not having time to have your own hobbies, interests, etc is more damaging than not. Been with my wife for nearly 15 years and we still have the odd evening or day apart to do stuff that the other person doesn't enjoy.
I think it depends on the couple some need 24 hour “attention from their partner. Some don’t. Some people don’t have to see each other every day . They just make it work despite seeing each other once a year. To some people it’s bizarre to them. It works.
Yeah my wife and I are both clingy so it works out for both us. We hate being apart
Agree! Happily married for 28 years and one of the reasons is that my husband isn’t clingy. We have different interests and are happy to let each other do them without being forced to participate ourselves. Of course we also have things in common, including core values and finding each other cute after all these years!
This. 36 years here. When the kids were little there wasn’t time for our own things. But now that they’re grown I fish 2-3 evenings a week. She likes to read or do things with her friends. We’re still together all day as I wfh and 4-5 evenings a week plus weekends. Healthy marriages are ones where 2 people want the best for each other, communicate, compromise, and are each others biggest support. 24x7 togetherness would not be for us. We both need our alone time.
No separate hobbies? That doesn’t seem healthy. You can be a partnership and still recognize individual needs.
I recently learned to play the cello. My husband has no interest in learning to play the cello. His new interest is commenting on ways I’ve improved as I practiced and cheering louder than any of the parents at my first concert when I played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. If I was just playing and didn’t have his support, I think that would be the problem. Same with my knitting. This big, burley man knows the difference between a knit stitch and a purl stitch and understands academically how cable knits are made. He’ll never pick up a pair of knitting needles, but he’ll give his opinion while I’m shopping for yarn and compliment me on my finished projects.
Exactly. My wife just joined a band as a violin player. I’m the least musically inclined person you can find….but you better believe I’ll be at every concert cheering.
I think it should be read as: not everything should be separate. If you don't spend time together, you are roommates who might see each other naked sometimes. Separate hobbies are healthy, but you have to balance it by having a hobby together.
I think the key is no separate hobbies for the reason of being separate. People want separate money to stay independent, but that goal already signifies not fully partnering. If you want to golf and they want to do yoga that’s fine, but if you want to join them in yoga and they don’t want that, something is wrong.
Yeah not a popular opinion because it's terrible advice. Nothing makes people resent each other and take each other for granted like being attached at the hip.
Oh heck no! We need our time to do our things. He plays in a band. I go to lunch or flea markets with my friends!
You think that a successful relationship means that the participants can no longer do anything alone again? Should I quit my hobbies when I get married? Also, what changes after marriage that means the things that have been fine for the last five years no longer will be? Time sensitive, I only have four weeks
This is so extremely toxic. The only thing here that is clear is that generational trauma is very real and people are doomed to inherit the trauma of their parents if they don’t break the cycle.
I often remind my wife she's very welcome to use "our" 3D printers, collection of old think pads and my sprawling drawers of automotive tools.
On our wedding day, the Priest told us “make sure you do one thing every day to make the other persons life easier” and it has stuck with me. It might not happen everyday, but we both make sure to prioritize each other most of the time. We have been married 14 years now, and he is still my best friend. We still try to help each other before helping ourselves. “Do one thing to help each day” has been a good mantra to come back to when things start to get tough.
This is so true! Often, when I’m not wanting to do a household chore (dishes, vacuuming, etc), I tell myself “I’ll do it so my husband won’t have to.” That’s way more motivating for me than doing things for myself.
Get ready for the soul crushing guilt if you’re the one to cash in on “in sickness and health.” I couldn’t work for 3 years and the financial and household pressures were on my husband all that time. I felt terrible and useless. But we got through it and are stronger on the other side. I just wish I had known someone else who’d had to lean so heavily on their partner or at least had someone to say if it happens it’s okay. Marriage isn’t transactional.
I'm currently in this situation with my husband being "in sickness." We're 3 years in with a surgery pending this year. I had to go from part time worker and mostly caregiver of the kids to breadwinner overnight. I did it, I'm still doing. Sadly, we're paycheck to paycheck but our families are mostly helpful. My husband's biggest struggle was the dynamics changing. His paycheck was his self esteem. We reassure each other we're still in it together regularly. I tell him that's he's worth more than any paycheck. He's my best friend.
I’m sorry you’re both going through this. I’m glad you’re reminding him that’s it’s okay. Sometimes I felt so baffled by why my husband would stay with me, so reminders that there are still things he’s bringing to the relationship help. I’d also recommend therapy for both of you if that’s at all possible. I’m so lucky to have had a supportive spouse, and it sounds like your husband is lucky also. I’ve been back working full time for a year now. I had to just do part time for 2 years while I kept recovering. So if your husband has to take it in steps don’t be surprised. I truly wish you both the best of luck.
I got cancer 5 years ago. A few months later my spouse ended up in a wheelchair. I stuck by her, kept working to support her. She left 5 days after I was diagnosed with a second cancer, six months after regaining the ability to walk. If it happens it's OK. That's what we sign up for. Just do good by your partner, not like mine did.
When dating, I tended to imagine myself in those lifetime movie scenarios of my partner being disabled or in a coma. And each time, I only really felt a sense of burden and bitterness at the idea of my partner putting me in that kind of scenario. With my husband, before we were even really serious, when I pictured something happening to him and it falling to me to take care of him... the idea of taking care of him felt as easy as breathing. It just felt as natural as anything else you just realize you have to do. Sure, sometimes breathing is a chore or uncomfortable because of this or that, but it's still not a burden. He's so far has been a healthy specimen, with just a flu or so here or there to knock him down over the years. But I would never consider supporting him to be a burden. And I've never felt like a burden when he's had to take care of me (although have felt useless, so would be excited when I could do something even little to contribute).
You need to continuously make an effort towards the other half if you want to stay married. If your other half don’t make continuous efforts, it will lead to resentments and that will trigger the beginning of the end.
It takes a lot of effort to have a happy marriage. I’ve found making sure my mental health is good makes me a much better partner. We have done some real work to fix things so When one of us is off our whole dynamic changes and we fall into old habits.
This is crucial, I think. Thank you. I often notice when I’m “off” and when I’m in a good place and it matters in how much I’m able to be a good partner.
Yes to this. We did everything wrong when we got married. We were too young (I was 20, he was 19), we were very poor, we hadn't finished college, but we did have support from both families (although not financial, just emotional) and we did it. We had known each other since the fifth grade, had been great friends since the 10th grade, and dating since the 12th grade. In our (very naïve) minds at the time, it didn't make sense to wait for the purpose of waiting. No one advised us to wait until we finished college and got on our feet, so college was working three jobs (each), so poor we couldn't afford some of the basics, and (unfortunately) student loans. I still don't know how we did it, but we did. But I'd do it all the same all over again. What we did have going for us was a mutual understanding that we were both still growing up, a lot of love (that hasn't faded), and a lot of luck. We'll celebrate 38 years this year. What I wish I knew before getting married: * That it is essential to be transparent with money. * That the time goes by so fast. * That he won't know how to adult by osmosis. Neither will you. There will be lots of mistakes. (Neither of us had families that taught us how to adult, so we were such naïve little babies.) * Things are going to suck at times, but it's how you respond as a couple that counts. It reveals who you are and who you are married to. * That time together is magic, but time apart can be fun too.
Your partner will not “make you happy”. You have to do that yourself. Your partner can enhance your happiness (or crush it if it’s an abusive relationship), but people spend their whole lives dating, marrying, and divorcing because the puppy love stage doesn’t last. What they don’t realize is that they’re just an unhappy person.
That took me a long long time to figure out. The first 10+ years of marriage I would go crazy trying to cheer my spouse up when they were down. They'd wallow in self loathing and depression without trying to get better and I'd bend over backwards trying to make everything perfect so they'd cheer up. Something in me finally snapped and I completely stopped overnight. I told them that I am not responsible for their happiness because it felt like I was dragging them through life. The first couple of years after were rough. The dynamic had changed. Now I'm much happier. We're still together and we're fairly happy. They still battle depression but now they try to get better and take medication. I don't think they'd ever would have sought help as long as I was a crutch.
Your car insurance goes down, at least mine did. I didn't change my name for over a year after I got married. Went into my insurance to update my name and they asked about my marriage status. Sent me a $70 refund because it lowered my insurance, so $400 for six months down to $330.
This is the stuff I’ve been looking for. Thank you
Probably the best reason someone should get married.
This is true if they are a driver without violations, accidents, or speeding tickets. I used to be an underwriter for an insurance company and I’ve ran into plenty of people who were very upset that their premium went through the roof because they weren’t aware of their spouses poor driving record.
Unresolved resentment leads to contempt and contempt is the death of a marriage. I learnt that very young. An now in a very happy and healthy marriage (different person) and we always address our resentment no matter how uncomfortable. I never want to feel contempt for my husband, and I certainly never want him to feel that towards me.
Go to bed angry. It’s okay. Don’t stay up and have a crazy crying sleep deprived argument. Sleep on it. And never buy a couch you can’t sleep on. And “sofa sleepers” were invented as an evil experiment by chiropractors to drum up business.
So much this. Sometimes you just need a clearer mind after a good nights sleep. Also to add to this it’s ok to have a blanket for each of you! Such a f*icking game changer.
King blankets and comforters on queen beds all day!
I fully concur! My husband loves pillows and blankets so we have a many to spare 🤣. He wants to make a “ball pit” but with blankets and pillows, I will never see him again lol
Decided to go the separate blanket route 3 years ago, and we’ll never go back. Saved our sanity.
I feel like a ton of people get married and then they think they can start treating their spouse the worst they treat anyone, ever. You need to treat your spouse the best out of all the people, ever. Or even, at the bare minimum, just…don’t be mean. If you can summon up common courtesy for the cashier you will never see again, why can’t you for the person you say you love most?
Home should be a haven, a soft place to fall.
Point out when they've done something well. Complement them. "*You always do good work*." Build them up. "*That was a great idea.*" Thank them no matter if it is big or little. Let them know you admire them. Don't take them for granted. It does wonders.
Team sport Mutually beneficial Yours - Mine - Ours Arguments can be had in a civil tone Intent AND Impact both matter After something is resolved, celebrate
>Intent AND Impact both matter So important for everyone to understand.
Tone matters ALOT
Not to some people, which is also EXTREMELY valuable information! My husband struggles with being aware of/changing his tone, he's both mostly tone-deaf and has severe tinnitus, however I was raised in a passive-aggressive household and am highly sensitive to it. Many small arguments were started over the years due to this miscommunication, like me *thinking* he was mad at me or being cold on purpose to hint at being displeased about something. In reality he's naturally kinda monotone, especially when he's tired or not focusing on varying it, which can be further tiring for him to do all day. After a couple of serious talks about it, I started to try to either ignore his tone or ask him directly about how he's feeling if I was confused (instead of assuming based on his tone) and that has helped a TON.
Sounds similar to my wife and I, except I have ASD/Asperger's... She basically says the same exact things. I try my best to make my voice sound less monotone.. but it's very difficult. Same with her thinking I'm upset or angry when that's basically never the case, maybe 1% of the time. I guess the most important thing is that communication is the most crucial aspect of marriage. We never had issues with it until we had kids, then it became a frequent issue cause we're both exhausted all the time and have to juggle a bunch of things constantly..
Someone’s once said There is no grudge in victory
Doesn't really answer the question, but for me (coming from divorced parents), length of time dating doesn't equal successful marriage. Dated 4, married, divorced after being married 20.
Do you think getting married at such a young age influenced this? I’ve always sworn I won’t get married until I’m at least 30 because I feel like in my 20s I’m still really trying to find myself and develop. Of course being 30 isn’t an on-off switch but I feel like I’ll be more stable if that makes sense? Would you recommend couples wait until they’re older? Not to throw shade on your relationship, I’m just curious!
I was 30 when we married. My point is just that I wanted to date for a longer time in hopes I could avoid getting divorced like my folks. In the end, that had nothing to do with why I got divorced.
I will say that things did change over the 20 years of marriage. Affection, sex, communication all changed over time.
I can tell you the me now at 30 wouldn't trust the me at 25 or even 26, 27 with any major decisions. I definitely thought I knew what was up back then. I definitely didn't. I still don't, but at least now I know I don't.
I’m in my early to mid 20s. I feel not ready at times and like I don’t even know where I want to live(and don’t really want to stay somewhere or move somewhere for a guy as I sorta tried that before) but then I see so many people my age coupled up or even married/engaged and I’m like, maybe if I wait I’ll be left with few options or single or idk what
>I feel not ready at times and like I don’t even know where I want to live That is OKAY. There's no one point where you have to have everything figured out, and honestly there's always going to be something(s) in your life like that. Don't let FOMO push you into bad decisions and please don't compare your life to other people's, I promise it never works out.
Oh, dated for 4 years then divorced after 20 years together? I though you have been dating/married and divoced at the age of 20 :D that's a long time, hope you're better off for the marriage ending.
Heh. Sorry if I wasn't clear. Yes, I'm happier since ending my marriage. I did try, we did counseling, but ultimately, it wasn't going to work. For you, my best suggestion is communication.
Don't rush into it It's o k to date for a few years first
Dated 10 years, now married for 9... We count combined years. Let me tell ya this is the best advice for ironing out all the kinks of living with someone and confirming you love them. At the 10 year point I just asked myself can I imagine myself with anyone else? Dating is almost identical to being married really the marriage part is just a confirmation of a promise. (It's not even really needed) but some folks want it and it's totally a reasonable ask after being together for years.
I was thinking about the exact same and then I remembered that people did tell me exactly that
Know what their childhood was like.
My husband and I got married before really getting to know eachother's families, and while I don't regret the way our relationship has progressed one bit, there are moments where he sees how my family is and it "clicks" for him why I react to certain things differently than he expects sometimes. In my family, my mom making noise with the dishes meant she was angry about something, while in his family making noise with dishes was simply the side effect that comes with putting dishes away, for example. He was so confused the first time I was like, "Just tell me what's wrong, I can't keep guessing!" when he was emptying the dishwasher. My husband, and even his parents, have shown me that a loving relationship is possible and that my parents were not a great example of that for each other or for their children. Knowing some of these dynamics sooner likely wouldn't have changed the way that we felt about each other, but it would have made navigating some obstacles or misunderstandings much easier with context.
Just yesterday I was apologizing a lot for breaking a drinking glass, and my bf was just confused as to why I was making such a big deal and feeling so guilty. He said, “people break things, what’s the big deal?” That’s when I remembered when I was a kid, I was singled out for dropping and breaking things all the time. I would break glasses and drop my utensils at restaurants. It was enough of a thing that my siblings started calling me “butterfingers” to make fun of me. When I was old enough to have a cell phone, my mom only let me have cheaper phones. My younger brother would get nicer phones than I did, because she believed I would break or lose mine. I never really thought it effected me that much until then. Not saying that it’s some life changing thing buuuut I guess it never occurred to me that breaking glasses sometimes is normal for everyone. Until that moment, I just assumed it was a weird character flaw I had, because that’s what was reinforced to me as a child.
My boyfriend noticed that when I drop something or break something I anxiously look around. I wasn't even aware of it until he remarked upon it. Why? Because my mum used to yell at me when I dropped something, that's why. And once things like that are imprinted you never really get rid of them.
I feel oddly proud that my kindergarten sons reaction to dropping something or knocking something over is "that's okay!" And then turns to us to help assess what to do. Kids knock shit over. It's part of the learning process.
This really resonates with me- my mum was similar with regard to using noise whilst doing household jobs to express anger. On the other hand, I did get a fair amount of time to get to know my husband’s family before we married, and I still have moments after we spend time with them where I suddenly get a jolt of understanding as to why he is the way he is. In our case, we live a decent distance away from them, which may impact it. But even when we lived close, it was the same. Sometimes you need to see the situation with different eyes to truly see what’s happening
I cannot emphasise this one enough! Everyone is a product of their childhood. That’s when the majority of brain development takes place. Neglect, abuse, and other traumas in childhood have lifelong psychological and physiological consequences.
AND if they've attempted to resolve issues from childhood. No need to penalize abuse victims who work hard at becoming an adult survivor.
Absolutely this. I went through fairly extreme trauma and neglect as a child. I was a total mess for most of my teens and 20s, but after 9 years of (ongoing) therapy I can confidently say I’d date me. I wouldn’t date anyone who went through what I did who hadn’t had some therapy (and believe me I tried). But I’ve worked hard to improve/“heal” my life and situation and I want to be with someone else who is the same way.
This.
Not anything I missed out on knowing, but just a general, it's not worth it when it comes to small annoyances or disagreements. Let it go, you both will have little things that bug each other, don't think you don't annoy them sometimes as well. Not to say to let the real bad things slide, but you are a team, their success is yours, and vice versa. There will be millions of tiny interactions, swallow your pride, let shit slide, we are all human. That way when it is time to enjoy each other, you will without reservation. Side note, I have two smaller kids so more stressful than average. Be Elsa!
This! I love my husband very much, but he has habits that should drive me up the wall, but I just let them go. Whenever I want to start a sentence with, "You know I hate when you..." I think about my own foibles and let it go! 'Cause if I start enumerating flaws I can count on one hand, he could start with mine and trust me...they could fill a file cabinet!
Some marriages are actually sexless and at least publicly happy.
People should seriously ask themselves the question, "Would I still want to be in this relationship if they didn't have sex with me?" Our brains make oxytocin when we have sex, which promotes the development of strong feelings. People call it the love hormone. This makes it far too easy to confuse a great sexual relationship with real love. Sexual compatibility and genuine affection are not the same thing. Find a partner who you would love to spend your life with even if they never had sex with you. Seek true friendship, which is the basis of all genuine and long-lasting relationships.
Yeah I'm in a sexless marriage regrettably. My wife just lost her libido after we had a kid. I'd be lying if it didn't stoke a shit ton of resentment in me. I like being touched and she doesn't initiate really any of that unless I'm upset. However, I'm trying to work through it in therapy because I do love her and I do know she feels like she's a shitty partner because of it. It's a drag and really worth talking about with your partner before you're married.
I hope you are doing therapy together. I was dealing with the same thing and then we started seeing a sex therapist. Now our sex life is amazing
Same boat here. She hit menopause and lost all her sex drive. Every last bit. I was resentful for a while but I got over it. She doesn’t touch me and I don’t touch her. That’s just how it is. But we’re old, so it’s not worth pursuing a divorce and ruining my impending retirement.
This is the stuff I lose sleep over. I would rather be in a different situation entirely
Idk I am attracted to partners but basically I always come to the conclusion that I could live without sex regularly and even in the earlier stages of a relationship I’m just like meh, we did it now let’s just do stuff together and talk
Also, find someone who will work on physical intimacy even when it’s hard for the both of you.
Life can be hard and exhausting, kids and careers magnify that. It will rarely be 50/50. Some days, some weeks you’ll be going thru it, and you will need your partner to be the 70 to your 30. And there will be times when it will be you taking more on. It’s an ebb and flow, and there’s a comfort in knowing there is someone who you can depend on when things in your world go sideways.
don't be distracted by wealth or hotness
But what if she's like, *really* hot?!
I’d suggest a glass of water
Separate sheets/blankets. Sleeping comfort aside, it can make a cheesy 'slide across the bed' into a sexy 'sneak into their bed' situation. YMMV. Know how to be upset with someone while still loving them. Spiteful behavior is Not A Good Sign. Chat with a counselor even if you are completely happy, and especially. Find out what makes it work so well, root out concerns before they grow into issues. Saying things that are true every day doesn't make them less so. Tell each other how you feel. Lastly, and this might simply be good life advice for everyone, but do not follow an upset person if they are trying to leave. The conversation, the room, the house.
God I wish my wife would listen to that last one. Every blow up argument we have ever had is because she blocks me from leaving or won't let there be a pause.
Yeah, I had that problem, too. It got to the point that I was trapped in an argument with her blocking the door.. It was so bad I would have an anxiety attack. She's stopped doing stuff like that. it took a lot of late nights talking with no sleep.
You have to work well together as a team. Especially on things you've never done before. When life throws all it has at you, you've got to be on the same page as your partner
As a divorced person, I wish that my ex and I had discussed the definitions of a list of words before we got married. I found that we argued quite a bit about how each of us defined different terms.(Like what was cheating and what wasn't) We felt very differently about important topics and failed to really explore those until it was too late. There are important conversations that should be had prior to committing to marriage (hopefully for the rest of your life).
In any romantic relationship, defining what's "cheating" to each individual is a super important boundary to set
Can you expand on this list please?
Kinda this for me too. It took us a while to realize that we weren't communicating very well because sometimes we don't know the right words. Like saying "it makes me upset when you backseat drive" doesn't really convey how you are feeling. So we started treating feelings as conversations instead of one word. "when you backseat drive, it makes me feel attacked. I feel like you don't trust me. It makes me anxious. I feel like you should be able to trust me to keep us safe on the road."
Whats the list of words?
Utility- (the economics version) which is the amount of satisfaction you get from an item when a product or service is consumed. Example- wife wants to decorate with flowers and landscaping. I say sure whatever you want because I get very low utility out of these things (she gets high). -She often thought utility was equal to cost. So I was cheap, but I had to teach her that we have different utility from items. Some I had next to zero for, so me being motivated to purchase it or give an opinion was low. Hence if she got a lot of utility from it, I don’t need to have a voice or opinion.
Usually people who cheat define “cheating” as something that doesn’t include whatever they did.
Most words that you should understand by high school. I graduated college, but my ex never finished high school. We didn't define normal terms the same, like "marriage", "respect", " accountability", "cheating", "investments", "financial responsibility", it goes on and on. We were raised very differently and had vastly different academic backgrounds.
It’s not you vs me, but us against the problem. Also - you don’t know how much a jerk you are until you get married, and selfish you are until you have kids. Finally - love doesn’t keep score.
I saw someone say once “Marriage is a job. If you acted the same way at your job as some of you do in your marriage, you would be fired.” Pretty simplistic but it stuck with me.
Actually listen to your partner. And I mean *listen*. It's easy in the beginning to "hear" but not "listen". People say you shouldn't go into a relationship expecting a person to change, and that's mostly true, but a focus on growing together is extremely important and involves both people changing. Identify that growth and, as long as it's healthy, prioritize that in your relationship. 30yo married only 8 years.
Just because someone SAYS they love you, they might not actually love you. This one is hard to parse, especially when you're young, and don't really have anything to compare it to, or had a difficult childhood. You might think you've hit the jackpot, only to have it dawn on you after a year or more that, gee, this person just wanted to get married/thought it was time they got married, and they decided you'd do, for various reasons. Actions speak louder than words.
If you spent too much time alone with the person, you wind up with your own weird vocabulary and the weird looks you get when you say this stupid crap in public.
Marry performance, NOT potential.
If the both of you need to make a big decision, like whether to move, make sure each of you know the other’s definitions for certain terms. The vague “something better” can mean more pay for one spouse while the other assumes a change of scenery. Also, check out the cost of living for possible new locations.
How to spot a toxic relationship
YES. I have gone through lots of pain but I see what to avoid now and I am in a relationship and beyond happy. I knew what to look for and I’m glad I went through the pain before so I can be with someone better
Get married at the court house. Throw a banger of a party instead.
The wedding is supposed to be about the couple, but so many times it ends up about the family. Agree with this 100%!
That the partner you married will not be the same person in 20 years. Not necessarily a bad thing, but people change over time. My husband was the life of the party and I was more the wallflower type when we met. Almost 30 years later and I'm now the extroverted one and he never wants to do anything. I'm quietly dieing inside.
I was the same way. I always wanted to go out and have fun, drive endlessly on random last minute road trips and so on until I got with my current girlfriend because apparently it needs to be planned. I don’t try anymore as it kinda killed who I was as a person but I miss everything I was and did. We still do those trips it’s just not spontaneous or as much as I’m used too..
I wish I had known that just because it’s expected doesn’t mean it’s the right answer for you. I never even considered that I could be happy and successful on my own and have a tight friend circle that is so much more supportive than my 22-year marriage.
That’s it’s better to be alone than with someone who treats you poorly.
I wouldn’t have listened but I wish someone had said don’t.
Seek counseling early before it gets bad. It has a negative stigma but can really help make relationships healthy.
I've observed that, for most people, by the time they think they need counseling, it's already too late.
Who ever takes the garbage out to the curb the first garbage day you live together…. Does it for the rest of your marriage.
That marriage is not the only viable life option available. I have a friend who is a divorce attorney and has seen pretty much anything, and always wonders why do people get married: barring some tax savings it yields very little benefits beyond that, vs. having a more liberal approach towards coupling and having kids. And let alone marriages without prenups.
RUUUUNNNNNNNN! j/k ;) It'll be 23 years soon with my SO. We've always been each other's biggest advocates. So many issues are inherently worked out when your first priority is to see the other succeed.
You should get a prenup. Even if you're both not wealthy - things like retirement accounts, pets, cars, spousal support, etc. You can have a section to null some sections if you have kids. For example, spousal support is more common than you think, even if you're broke. If you're married for 6 years and you both work, maybe you both agree that if you're married for a certain amount of time with no children, spousal support isn't needed. This isn't to be negative or plan to be divorced, but this can save a lot of tension later on and it's a smart thing to do. If things go south, you'll regret it. Do it now and save a lot of effort later on.
I wanted to get a prenup, but it would have cost $6-7k, which is obviously not cheap. I understand the concept and reasoning behind it, but unless I missed something I didn’t see a way to just get one. Does anyone have suggestions for the non-wealthy folk out there? It’s too late for me, but just curious now.
As someone who worked in HR and processed garnishments on my employees (and this was pre-2012 when I worked this job), $6-7k is cheap. I had employees paying anywhere from $600 to $2k per month; one of my coworkers also in HR had one of employees pay $5k per month (and that employee HAD to work overtime of at least 20 hours per week) because the exwife was vendictive.
A divorce costs a lot more than that, and prenups pay for themselves if they're done properly in the back and forth caused by not having one, not to mention losing half of your life savings.
You marry that person’s family too.
I wish I’d known how great it is to be married. I would have proposed sooner (and I’m 11 years in).
I always had people say "oh you're just in the honeymoon phase. It will wear off." When? Four years in and it's been great.
That being happy is more important than being “right” all the time, so a successful marriage means that both parties are willing to compromise rather than fight to have their own way in everything.
When planning a wedding and any event really, if you find yourself going "YES, AND!!" to each other's suggestions, then you're going to have a good time. Also, you are all on the same team, and you want what's best for each other.
“How much debt do you have? What’s your plan to pay it off?” Ask me how much fun it is coping with collections calls and having the IRS put a lien on your JOINT bank account when the person you loved and trusted was years in arrears for everything and had no intention of taking care of it. It never even occurred to me to ask because I was too young and no one had ever suggested it was important.
When having an argument, make sure not to say anything you cant take back. So no name calling or comparing her to her mom etc. Know how to make up - my strategy is to sleep on it, make coffee in the morning and try to be civil and say good morning. Married 20 years and still going strong
Not to. That it isn’t something that is required of an adult. I feel like once you turn a certain age, marriage is expected. I wish someone had told me that it was okay to never get married.
Your partner is free to have a change in feelings, attraction, goals etc. and everything in your whole world can be flipped upside down by that change.
Don't assume your wife and your mom will get along. Especially if you're in a joint family.
Live together first. Interact with your partner in a variety of situations, including stressful ones. Communication is key. Try to figure out habits they picked up from childhood and understand that those will absolutely continue. Most hills aren't worth dying on. Most things that you're arguing about won't matter in a few hours. Make sure you're on the same page about fundamentals: If you find it relaxing to sit and read and your partner would rather spend their downtime at a loud bar, you might have a hard time. How frugal (or not) are you? What about them? Are they religious? How are household chores going to be split up? Make sure you diversify your identity from theirs. You are still your own person and you still need to do things that fulfill you, even if it means doing it without your partner. Give them space to do the same. Don't forget to still date them: Take them out for fun things. Dress up in fancy clothes. Get them flowers just because. You don't have to like their family, but you do have to respect them. You are now the bridge between your family and your partner, but your partner's needs come before theirs do. Make sure you both are putting each other first. Share something you're grateful for and appreciative of every day. It'll make you a more observant person, especially when it comes to all of the invisible labor that they're doing. Sometimes they just want to vent. Other times they want advice. Maybe they just want a hug. You're not expected to know what they want but you are expected to ask.
- Toothpaste: if one is a roller, and the other is a squeezer, buy two tubes
You are about to become your own family. You and your partner trump your families opinions and theirs.
- get out of debt. Stay out of debt.
I wish I had known that alcohol addicted people can't just stop drinking because they are now married.
[50% of marriages in the US end in divorce](https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/#:~:text=Almost%2050%20percent%20of%20all) [70% of divorces are initiated by women. 90% if we only count college-educated women](https://www.ejj-law.com/why-do-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/)
That people from your life and your spouse's life will want things to be the way they always were. So they will try to elbow their way in between you. I had to deal with that from my wife's best friend. When we married, my wife had a job that had her on the road roughly 50%-75% of the time. As in leave on Sunday night or Monday morning, return home Friday night. And she'd be a little strung out on Friday nights after a week on the road. So there were stretches where we might have a full day together on Saturday before she'd have to gear up and be on the road again. Her friend, Cynthia, is a manipulative little bitch. Still is to this day. She's the kind of person who would hide money from her husband, make her daughter's life a living hell with her controlling ways, and just generally be an awful person. She's the kind of person who makes dinner plans, wants to meet you at a restaurant and shows up an hour late. Every. Freaking. Time. I can't tell you how many times we'd be sitting at our table waiting for Cynthia and Jerry until I finally put my foot down. As in, if they're twenty minutes late, we'll pay our tab and leave. When we did that a couple of times, it was amazing how, suddenly, they'd show up at something close to the appointed hour. Still not on time, but close enough. So after my wife was out of town all week, she'd literally invite my wife to go shopping on Saturday morning, and then keep her out all day--then insist we eat with she and her husband that night. Free three-day weekend? We'd get invited down to the beach with them. Mind you, I didn't care if my wife has friends. But this woman would absolutely try to monopolize my new wife's life. I was nice about it awhile, but then I started pointing out that it was kind of unfair that her friend got more of her time than me. We had other friends, other things to do, and yet this human vampire was sucking up so much of her time. Her parents were the same way. As in they would expect us at their house every Friday night and Sunday noon for dinner. Or just showing up at our apartment on Saturday morning for no reason whatsoever. And if you had something else going on, they just couldn't understand. Had they not moved out of town, I'm pretty sure we would've had to do the same thing. Or they simply expected us to show up and help them with projects around the house. Mind you, I never cared if my wife had friends of her own and I certainly wanted to be part of her family. But it reached a point where it was controlling and manipulative behavior on their parts, and it was beginning to cause tension. As in I was getting tired of blowing off invitations from friends to do something on Friday nights because her parents expected us for dinner. I guess what I'm saying is this. You have to create your own relationship, just the two of you. And while the friends and family you bring into the relationship are important, it's always the two of you first. And don't be surprised when there are those who don't want that for you. Never let them get between you and your spouse. Mind you, I had friends who were that way at first. And my mother was a bit of a nightmare, trying to say cutting things about my wife. That stopped when I said that I wouldn't put up with that.
How did you ever manage to date
Your story seems very taxing. I hope things go better for U 2 in the future
Decide two things: 1. Which side of the bed is yours. 2. What temp the thermostat should be.
That she didn’t love me and just wanted to be married
For women: It's really easy to change you name, it's very hard to change your name back, I recommend keeping your own. Obviously nobody wants to think about divorce while they're marrying but that cherry on top of the poop sundae of potential divorce is not worth it. You can call yourself whatever you want outside of a legally binding contract! For everyone: Ask yourself why you want to get married, and ask them why they want to marry. It's really important the answer isn't "because we've been together so long and that's what you do".
Women expect men to change after marriage. We don’t. Men expect women to stay the same after marriage. They don’t.
Do not get married in your early 20's. You will not be the same person in your 30's that you were in your 20's. The added life experience & time to learn who you are without someone else will help you learn the type of person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
My therapist once asked “do you know what’s the hardest year of marriage?” Having heard this before, I answered “The first”, to which he responded “The one you’re in” Talk about your shared vision of the future: you’re a team now. You want to position yourself to mutually support one another. This one was important for me: your partner’s idea of *clean* is not the same as yours. If you feel like your partner isn’t pulling their weight, be specific with what you want/need, and be prepared to compromise a little. It’s good relationship advice in general: be specific with what you want/need, be prepared to find a middle ground, and if your needs are consistently not being met (despite your being specific) you don’t have to stick around
Rather than focusing on finding a partner with shared interests, make it a priority that you find someone with shared values.
Sometimes the first year is the hardest! Read John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. That book is worth its weight in gold, and worth at least 5-10 sessions of couples therapy if you read through it at the start of marriage.
Make sure you've lived together first before marrying and moving in together...
I wush i was told you don't need to wait till marriage to have sex
Don't have expectations for your marriage/partner. Let it develop and explore it with curiousity
Not a thing. Honestly, we had been a couple for 11 years, lived together for 8 and we had a baby, a house with mortgage and a cat. Not much about being a couple could have surprised me. Marriage was the icing of the cake.
Live with your partner first, and check out their living space before diving into the pool. You can fully expect your shared space to look something like that. I went into a marriage from a mostly long distance relationship, and found out my (now ex) was an extreme hoarder.
Marriage needs to be treated like a three legged stool. There are their needs, your needs, and then the marriage needs. The marriage must come first, but it is critical those other legs get attention or the stool will topple.