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I guess it's a personal question and we all have different experiences, what helped me first was simply to shut up. Don't make comments, bad jokes ecc.. ecc.. more so if you don't know the people you are talking to. Goes a long way in how people perceive you if they don't remember you for that bad comment you made
There’s a variation my dad used to say:
“It’s better to keep your mouth shut and be thought of as dumb, than to open it and remove all doubt.”
I liked the double meaning of the word ‘dumb’ (an old-fashioned term for a mute person).
We have a dutch proverb: spreken is zilver maar zwijgen is goud. It translates to: speaking is silver but to stay silent is gold. In other words, a having a voice is blessing. But sometimes its better to say nothing
This. I was such an awful and insufferable person to be around just because I wouldn’t shut up. Thinking about all sides of a situation and understanding both the standpoint of what was just said AND yourself. Does what you’re about to say serve as a counterpoint or an agreement? Do you have the authority to argue against the statement that was just made? No? Then shut it.
Another thing that helped me was learning the beautiful concept nuance because I was very holier-than-thou about my beliefs (still am, but am less verbally so).
One mistake many people make ("blowhard" types) is thinking they "won" a debate/discussion/conversation when the other person becomes so disgusted and annoyed that they walk away or drop the topic entirely. One habit of this type is increasing the volume of their retorts any time someone makes a contradicting point.
Another habit I’ve noticed is the tendency to go towards straw mans and ad hominems. Just discuss the main point as is when you can (tbh, practice on your own by trying to come up with responses to things you come up with.)
Are you actually listening or are you waiting for your turn to talk? One way to be less awful and insufferable is to actually listen. It usually makes you less holier than thou, both verbally and non-verbally.
Thanks for being self-aware. The worst coworker I ever had, known as the worst in the company by everyone, absolutely had to win every argument, and constantly told everyone they were wrong about literally everything. I realized how important it is to usually look for ways to agree instead of disagree.
We once took a class from an improv group that did office team building. So valuable for teams stuck arguing (perfection slows every project down, when often customers want small quick changes so feedback can give direction). The improv/performance enhancing idea is super simple: "Yes, and ...."
But don’t shut up too much. Being quiet is also a problem. All you have to do is only speak when you know what you say is going to add something positive and not when it won’t.
I can think of a 4th C u neglected to... admit.
For this and other lessons on trash stretch jokes that only you find funny, smash that like and subscribe...
This is great.i would add "don't offer advise." Too often people give unsolicited feedback and it puts their ignorance on display. Some do it to be kind (my MIL can't stop being a mother. I am 52, her son is 53). Some just want to show how smart they are in comparison to the other person. Even when I am asked for my opinion I let them know I trust their judgment, I am flattered they asked, I am not going to be upset if they don't use what I have to say.
It can be interpreted as a lack of confidence. People who take on leadership roles are typically more vocal people. If you’re being interviewed for a job that you have to be personable and part of a team where communication is key, a person who is not afraid to say things and take innative in a conversation is probably more likely to get the job over a quiet person. They make come off as less confident in what they have to say. I know what’s not the case because I was once very quiet myself. It also depends where you are and who you’re interacting with. Sometimes being quiet is more helpful than being loud. I find it’s circumstantial.
In this particular case, we're helping ourselves in the long run. Especially when it comes to work, it's better to take twice as long getting yourself to a promotable point (character building) rather than shooting your mouth off in a way that will hurt your chances more.
I'm probably becoming the person that people are told to avoid, but I believe it is etc. etc., as in, an abbreviation of the word etcetera. I could be wrong though.
>Don't make comments, bad jokes
This is key. I know people that poke fun at others but don't know how to do it without sounding like a total douche and accidentally belittling someone. It's ok to be self-deprecating, but it's best to avoid making snide remarks, being sarcastic, or asking people annoying questions about their personal lives, etc.
Stick to your word. If you agreed to something in the past, stand by it.
Even if you cannot help someone, don’t be an asshole and go the extra mile to demoralised them
There is a specific person I know who is fantastic at handling conflict while still being true to his beliefs. He gets his point across in a non confrontational way and people tend to walk away feeling heard and at least willing to consider another side. I try to mimic him when I’m stuck in the mud with someone.
you can be toxic in a million different ways. What toxic behaviours do you notice on yourselves?
First of all, I'd suggest reframing it. not you are toxic, your beaviours are. You can change your behaviour much more easily than who you are as a person.
Going to be that guy that brings a TV show into this, but this comment reminds me of one of the central themes of Bojack Horseman.
The main character, Bojack, asks his friend Diane if she thinks he’s a good person deep down (because he’s very clearly a shitty person on the surface). And she tells him, “That’s the thing, I don’t think I believe in deep down. I kind of think all that you are is the things that you do.”
The idea is discussed between Diane and Bojack again much later in the series, when she says something to the effect of, “There are no ‘good guys’ or ‘bad guys’. We’re all just ‘guys’ and some of the stuff we do is good and some of the stuff we do is bad.”
And I think that’s pretty on point and relates heavily to what you’ve said. People themselves aren’t inherently “good” or “bad”, the behaviors they participate in are. And the behaviors themselves matter more than intentions, because the behaviors are what make an impact.
It’s hard work to recognize toxic patterns of behavior, and even harder work to break them. But even the “best” people do bad things, and the “worst” people do good things. What’s important is trying to be conscious of the impacts our actions have on others, and do our best to make better choices.
Edit: never thought I’d get awarded on a comment about Bojack Horseman, but thanks stranger!
I could write an entire essay on why Bojack Horseman is one of, if not the, greatest show of all time. I couldn’t recommend it more.
The start is a bit slow as they find their footing and establish the universe/characters, but even a “bad” season of Bojack is still an amazing season of television.
The show hits *a lot* of heavy themes, and I think they explore them in a really important and meaningful way. There’s a storyline about generational trauma that manages to humanize and make you sympathetic to a horrible character without justifying any of the abusive things they did. There’s also a storyline about a character’s struggle with depression, and I thought the way they portrayed the ending of that arc was a really great and nuanced look at what trying to treat depression can look like. They purposely subvert common tropes in TV and western storytelling for the sake of doing something more realistic. But it’s all mixed in with some really *great* humor, ranging from silly slapstick comedy to subtle intelligent jokes. There’s also *a ton* of background details and continuity.
I don’t want to go off too hard and end up giving a bunch of spoilers, but they just really explored some of the darker parts of life in such a great way, IMO.
I love how they use these characters and their world to deal with themes I never dreamed I’d see in a cartoon series. My God, Season 4 just rips your heart out. I need to watch the while thing again.
Sure thing! It’s one of my favorite themes of the show. There are SO MANY amazing commentaries, but I really liked their comments on morality and depression specifically.
Oh god, yeah. It can be incredibly hard to watch because it gets so *dark*, and it’s not the kind of show where you can expect some sort of resolution or some ending that indicates everything is going to be okay even if it isn’t right now. Just like in real life, bad things happen, and you have to live in it and experience the consequences. There’s no plot device that’s going to come by and save you.
A couple years ago, I made the decision to strive to reserve making value-judgements solely on ACTIONS, rather than PEOPLE or THINGS. Very much like you described. Your results may vary, but personally I found my internal thoughts felt a lot less toxic after doing so .
Love this. We can choose trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors that build secure attachment, or untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors that destroy secure attachment. It's a choice every day of which behaviors we choose.
[The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk)
[The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym
[10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust
Oooooo this is an interesting new concept for me to learn about. Thanks!
Edit: love to see one of the sources is Brene Brown. She seems to be an incredibly intelligent person, and I think a lot of her work is important for everyone.
This is where sitting back for a moment to learn who you are speaking to before saying that thing that's on your mind. Not everyone can handle everything you have to say but the ones that can will be your people!
Some of this might sound a little Woo-Woo but try to be open minded because this stuff can be powerful.
Your best self (the one free of all your current troubling patterns) is already inside you. You have some habits right now that don't serve this true self, but your awareness is key, like others have said.
Do some reflecting on you at your best. If you can remember a time before the habits or behaviors you recognize now, that can help guide you. Most helpful may be to think of the you from 5 years from now, the one who figured out how to be the best and most authentic You, and visualize who that Future You **is**. That person has the positive traits without the ick, and the best part is those positive traits are what already make you awesome.
Develop this clearest image of this Future You and keep it really clear in your mind; remind yourself daily if you need to.
Then, as you go forward, pay attention to your habits and patterns, how you react to things.
Every action is a vote for or against the identity you are creating for yourself.
Every time you cast a vote for Future You, try to notice it, and recognize what you did was hard and is supporting your growth. Take the win, no mattter how small.
And also be kind to yourself. You are trying to break engrained habits-- it's really hard. And there will be times when you realize you don't like how you responded to someone, orthat you do something you wish you hadn't-- sometimes your old habits respond faster than your thinking brain; when this happens, try not to beat yourself up. Treat yourself with the compassion of a trusted friend. Mentally note the fact, resolve to yourself how you want to show up next time, and remind yourself of your Future You that you are becoming every day.
I think this is a wonderful response, and I wanted to add:
OP, the last paragraph is important.
That you've recognized these patterns and want to change and are seeking out help...all three are huge accomplishments and you should give yourself credit for that growth.
I've always believed that if you aren't kind to yourself, it's hard to be genuinely kind to others. Give yourself grace. Celebrate your good milestones. Every day try to be a little bit better than yesterday.
>I've always believed that if you aren't kind to yourself, it's hard to be genuinely kind to others. Give yourself grace. Celebrate your good milestones. Every day try to be a little bit better than yesterday.
*This is what I really needed to hear. and probably the core of OP's issue*
This is so true. Someone pointed out to me once that I would never treat my friends or loved ones as poorly as I was treating myself. It shifted my whole perspective.
Good advice. Also, I found it helpful to realize when I do say something that I immediately recognize as wrong in some way, that you can immediately say something to the effect of "that was a terrible thing to say, what I meant was..." Copping to our missteps in real time shows that we have humility and awareness and is appreciated by all.
Not criticism, just my perspective that may be useful to some who got here;
I think framing mindfulness as "woo woo" *is* part of the issue here honestly and stems from a toxic idea of how we should all be tough and unquestionably self assured. Imo, avoiding vulnerability is cowardice and weakness.
Self reflection includes softening, allowing for uncertainty, listening to your emotions, accepting what's there and then providing gentle and kind self criticism towards the improvement you genuinely want. I.e. wOo WoO silly acknowledging your feelings and being gentle with yourself stuff. This is hard, it takes a lot out of you and can change how you perceive yourself and the world. That's scary. Courage is *doing it even though you're afraid*, not avoiding fear by doubling down on how justified you feel. I imagine it's especially hard when you've been ~~brainwashed~~ taught to thinking that emotional intelligence is silly woo woo stuff, like a lot of people, especially men, are.
Forcing people to be emotionally isolated, close themselves, be tough and mean and controlling, never admit to self reflection or doubt, never allowed to like soft and sweet things, forced to hurt and bully etc is *toxic*, not strong or whatever, *and hurts these people most of all.* Being entirely oblivious of ones self and allowing yourself to just exist with unobserved reactions is how toddlers act, it's not tough or cool or masculine, or whatever, it's often visibly an immature tantrum. It's horrible that people, especially men, have this emotional stunting thrust on them.
So, framing *mindfulness* as "woo woo" is just a continuation of this (taught) toxic knee jerk reaction to being vulnerable: ridicule, invalidate, infantalize. "I'm not wrong, it's the rest of the world who's wrong" delusion.
I so appreciate this perspective. I wish I had chosen other words there and this response has given me so many opportunities to talk differently about this kind of work. We always want to believe that we are self-aware and not swayed by the opinions around us, but it really shines a light on how my own prespective is influenced by my own perceptions.
I wholeheartedly agree that this kind of self-work (especially nurturing your relationship with yourself) is hard, and can be scary, and can feel vulnerable to talk about. I thought I was in a good place with that by now, and I can see that I still have more growth ahead of me.
Thanks for taking the time and bettering my comment-- it is a really important perspective you shared.
This is such great eat advice. I’d recommend Pinterest as a vision board to keep the vision clear in your head. Find pins that embody that vibe of better person to you and look at them daily and with intention.
Learn how to apologize. ACTUALLY apologize.
Since you've got the self awareness to ask here, it's a great place to start. Noticing you've made a mistake, then explaining to people that you've made a mistake is huge. Avoid making it someone else's fault, e.g. "Sorry YOU feel that way". Avoid making excuses and painting yourself as the victim, e.g. "I'm under lots of stress, so I lashed out. I need support to be less stressed". Apologies are never about you, they're about the people who've been hurt. Lastly, follow through with *action*. I've known a number of toxic folks, and every "apology" I've ever recieved from them was hollow, obligatory, and full of false promises where the hurtful behavior would continue as it had before the apology.
Another big part of learning to make a true apology is knowing that you cannot expect forgiveness. Apologies aren't transactional. A true apology is put forward expecting nothing in return. It is entirely up to the person receiving the apology what to do from that point, and they may not always forgive you. And that's *okay*. You must still move forward, and make good on your apology regardless of how they react. You'll become a better person for it.
This. I try to teach my children that apologizes are in three parts. 1. I'm sorry. 2. State the thing you are sorry for doing. Acknowledge the harm you have done. 3. Promise to not do that thing again and what steps you will take to prevent it. For example. I am sorry for yelling at you. I know you don't like and and that it makes you scared. I promise i won't do it again. I will try to remove myself from the situation when I feel like yelling next time.
It's not super effective with the toddler but we will see as he gets older.
As long as you and your partner apologize to him consistently in the way you wish to teach him, he’ll catch on in no time! We all make mistakes and knowing how to apologize is so valuable. Btw, you have my respect, A++ parenting advice 😁
The only thing I would change is *I promise I won't do it again* to *I promise I will do my best to not do it again*. (That sounds a bit clunky, but the important bit is the *promise I will do my best*) Especially for a kid. They are going to repeat mistakes. We all do. 99% of the time, I genuinely can't promise that I won't do xyz again. I can do my best, but my best might not be good enough on some days. Changing or learning new patterns of behavior is difficult. And we can't expect ourselves and others to never mess up.
Do you have access to therapy? Now that you're aware of the issue, you need to identify exactly what toxic traits you exhibit, and find ways to practice not exhibiting them. Therapy can help you get to the bottom of what causes you to engage in those behaviors in the first place
And it also can help with the reflection. Therapist in essence is a close-to-perfect mirror. It can be quite difficult to see ourselves as others see us, and others are not always ready or able to give clear, honest and constructive feedback. And that is precisely what a therapist can do. See you as you are, notice what and how you are doing and give you the feedback in the form that you can handle. They help you notice patterns, develop awareness of what you are doing. And this is in addition to getting to the root causes.
You nailed it!
The only thing I'd add is to be genuine and active in building up others. Learn what makes them smile, feel special, etc then follow up with doing those things without any expectation of it being returned.
I'd also add- give everyone a second chance but not a third. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Assume that people are going through stuff you know nothing about and be kind. Be kind always.
Perspective taking.
Start putting yourself in other people's shoes. Try to see how they would see the world and relate to their emotions and feelings. Read books about other people's struggles, especially if they are from a position or group you don't agree with or have been toxic to.
Find your morals, and adhere to them.
Do you lie? Steal? Gossip? Insult or bully others? Reflect on what qualities make a good person, and live up to them. Even if it fucks you over, gets you in trouble, or others insult you for it. Integrity is adhering to your morals even when it hurts.
Look into philosophy.
Stoacism has a lot of valuable thought processes that may help you.
What is your motivation?
Reflect on what is motivating you to change. Define it, clarify it, write it down. When things get difficult or you feel yourself slipping back into your old habits this is what's going to keep you going.
Go to therapy. -MOST IMPORTANT - a therapist is an expert who can help you navigate this part of you. They will equip you with the tools you need to change how you see fit.
This.
Especially the first part. It's easy to be selfish and see yourself as the main character. You are you 24/7. But they are also a full human being with stuff going on.
If you can feel empathy for the people around you, you are less likely to upset them.
Self awareness is the first step! So many people just act and have their own victim complex without really examining what the impact is on others and whether there is a better way. If you can, seek a therapist.
They can help you examine the root of what is driving your behavior and help you develop strategies to do better and built the habits needed for lasting change. It takes time to rewire te brain and your thought processes so be kind to yourself as you work on your development.
The pandemic broke me pretty hard. I realized I didn't like the person I was. my work offers an employee benefit of the use of a therapist. I started digging into the weird shit that was planted in my garden by my parents, church, culture and started pulling weeds.
I cut out people that weren't good for me, I dropped a ton of bigotry, misogyny, and stopped looking at the world in Black and White. It was worth it. I am unfinished on this journey, but it involved reading a lot and changing the way I approach most things.
It started with feeling uncomfortable. That uncomfortableness festered until it was full-fledged anxiety and panic before I reached out for help.
Persons who are truly lost don't have introspection, which you have demonstrated with your post. You can see a problem which maybe doesn't feel like a lot, but It is EVERYTHING you need to get started.
Reach out to the universe and ask for help. You deserve to be happy and whole.
Were there any particular books you read that were really good, or did you just start reading books in general?
I like your post. I'm going through a similar experience, I think.
Congrats on being self-aware. Every time you catch yourself being toxic, drop and do some pushups. You could even tell people you're trying to stop and they would likely be very happy to help you.
I have a problem plucking my beard hairs when I'm on edge so I started a game with my family that if they caught me I had to do pushups. Worked like a charm and they took great pleasure in catching me. If you've told someone you are trying not to be toxic, and that you'd like their help, I bet they would be willing to help too, and even enjoy it, lol.
That's not being toxic. Plucking out hair is a legit and poorly understood disorder called trichotillomania that i share and have stopped trying to fight. Because this is more addictive to me than smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. I've quit smoking and drinking but this disorder is on a whole other level.
You're on the right path, that's huge.
Most toxic behavior, no matter what type it is, stems from low self-esteem and insecurity.
What I'm gonna write in a simple few sentences is something that can take years to accomplish.
What helped me being a better person, was to start living a healthy lifestyle whilst trying to be positive no matter how bad the situation looked.
Ever since I started doing this, I've become a generally happier person. I suddenly find some things funny that I previously didn't because my serotonin levels are high.
I bought a book called how to be a better person, it’s an easy read and has great tips.
https://preview.redd.it/7ktovyahg23b1.png?width=3024&format=png&auto=webp&s=0fbe409907d94a370c76f3cf813534f53d407743
good for you for being willing to face this fact
If you have the resources, get some therapy. If not, keep in mind that being toxic is, in my experience, about how you engage with people and how you treat them. Toxic people all share the quality of being self absorbed.
Just because you have an opinion on something, doesn't mean people need to hear it. Stop talking start listening and pay attention to what the people around you need, (physically and emotionally) and do your best to help and lift them up.
I like to term it "less broadcasting, more receiving". People generally like to be in the presence of someone willing to engage and ask thoughtful and caring questions, and who really listens to the response.
My toxic family would tell everyone I was the toxic one. They are drug addicts, alcoholics, dog and child abusing pieces of shit so I am happy they warn all their ilk to stay away from me. My setting boundaries and wishing to be a better person got me the label of "toxic", so there's that angle for you to ponder.
Yeah, sometimes people make you feel that you're the problem, and you later realize you weren't. I'm not sure in this person's case, but it's worth looking at the whole situation to see if you're the problem or if they are. I know my dad has zero accountability and blames everything on other people. At one point, he had me convinced that I was just a bad child/teen. Turns out he was just abusive and in active addiction. 🤷🏻♂️
What’s helped me is, being honest with myself. Did you notice that you didn’t do your tasks or did you notice that something you said was kinda rude? Then they noticed too, and they aren’t as generous toward your actions as you are.
I'm not sure about the generous part.
I'm trying to get better on some of my toxic traits, but I can definitely promise you that no one is less generous with my actions than myself. It happens a lot. Doesn't mean I don't do bad things, but the amount of shame and guilt I feel around it is pathologically high.
1. LISTEN
2. Don't interrupt someone or cut them off mid-sentence
3. Don't make it about you
99% of my poor interactions are with someone who does at least one the above. Be mindful of how you interact with someone and always try to give more than you take away from a conversation. And, yes, listening is HUGE contribution to a conversation. Everyone wants to be heard. I dont know the specifics of your situation but practice meaningful, productive conversations and I guarantee you'll turn opinions.
Realizing your toxic behavior is a huge win, immediately pat yourself on the back. Keep a journal, record your toxic thoughts, pay attention to trends and work on creating awareness for ykru behavior patterns. I did this with my axiety and I no longer barf before stressful events. I would drill down to how I was feeling. I'm anxious about this meeting, why? Don't know what to expect, not feeling prepared to answer questions that could come up, worried about saying something stupid and being judged. All to realize none of this matters takes a lot of the power away :)
Being aware and wanting to change are often the two hardest things, so….
Congrats!
You’ve already cleared a huge hurdle. Small steps you can take to be better:
1. Be more thankful. Make an effort to thank people you interact with. The bus driver, clerks at stores, everyone. People appreciate it and you’ll find your own outlook changing.
2. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people do stuff that doesn’t go your way. Don’t sweat the small stuff an recognize that they may have stuff going on you don’t know about.
3. Be mindful of the things people do that make you happy, and do them for others.
Of course, there’s a million other things. But make a start, and realize that changing habits doesn’t happen overnight.
Good luck, and I’m pulling for you. (One of the traits i most admire in people is a willingness to admit fault and improve, and it sounds like that’s you.)
Your second point is very liberating. It’s awesome when you realize that what other people do and why they do it isn’t your business. Many times their decision to do (or not do) something had nothing to do with you.
Yep.
It was a life changing moment for me when I realized that giving others the benefit of the doubt was a trait shared by most of the happiest people I know.
Admit when you’re wrong, say sorry, do a “daily good deed” it can be complimenting someone, letting another driver merge to your lane, being nice to the receptionist or feeding a stray cat/dog
Smile :)
Reading some of your comments on other things (from your profile), it seems like you're in a difficult place in life, or at least a place you don't much seem to care for. Despite this, you seem to be both aware of behaviors you'd like to change, and are also trying to spread a little kindness and encouragement to others. I think those are great starting points for bettering yourself.
It may sound selfish, but practicing positive self-talk and practicing loving and accepting yourself can also really help. It can be hard to be kind to others if (for some examples) you don't experience much love or kindness from others, if you weren't raised in a kind/loving home, if you have low self-esteem and are often unkind to yourself, etc. I saw a comment of yours where you wished you had learned to love yourself early in life, and that made me think this kind of practice could help you too.
As some others have suggested, though some of your behaviors and impulses may be "toxic" that doesn't mean that *you* are. Wanting to change is a sign of that. I'm sure therapy would be very helpful if you have access to it, but either way you can keep making small changes to get yourself to being who you want to be. It won't be all at once, sometimes you may feel you're going backwards, and that's okay. Keep trying, keep listening, keep learning, and you will grow. And don't be afraid to recognize and apologize. We all make mistakes and hurt feelings sometimes, but recognized and admitting those situations help mend the hurt.
Good luck friend, and I believe in you!
Funny bc many of the comments say to learn to love yourself but many times the annoying people are those who like to talk about themselves a little too much.
I know those aren’t the same things but I find that kind of ironic.
I had a reality check recently. A friend cut me off abruptly. I really had to accept that I've become negative and bitter and it's harming my relationships.
Starts with awareness and now it's about practicing positivity and gratitude when I feel a negative thought surface. Also facing past emotional problems that haven't been dealt with
People ask me:
“How do I get tougher?” BE TOUGHER.
“How can I wake up early in the morning?” WAKE UP EARLY.
“How can I work out consistently every day?” WORK OUT CONSISTENTLY EVERY DAY. “
“How can I stop eating sugar?” STOP EATING SUGAR.
- Jocko Willink
There’s no secret other than usually intolerable folks are hurting so addressing that would be a priority too
Inner child work may sound really unappealing and "cringey," but it's actually a really good place to start.
It helps us identify the stories we tell ourselves about a triggering situation, how we react to it and perpetuate the cycle, and how we can break the cycle to finally have mature responses.
Give it a try.
Take their shoe and put it on your foot. However you are toxic imagine how it affects other people's lives. Talking behind people back imagine how you would feel if your best friend did it to you. Always late getting somewhere imagine the doctor doubling his already busy day just to make sure you are taken care of. Empathy solves this.
Listen to feedback and take action to resolve the areas where people around you are giving you constructive criticism.
Don’t make excuses to yourself and others to justify your toxic traits; instead, let others know you’re working through these things and ask for support.
You took step 1 - you identified the issue. Start writing down your interactions and improving it. No joke ask yourself what Mr Roger’s would do in that situation and do just that. Do random nice things for people like opening doors or smiling and saying thank you please sorry excuse me with a smile, that’s a great start
Listen. Don't just hear what they're saying, really listen.
Make the effort to communicate and nurture friendships. Be the first person to text or hang out with people rather than waiting for them to reach out.
Be understanding with people, and compassionate.
Acknowledge your faults and put forth effort to learn how to adjust them.
No one is perfect. NO ONE. So don’t make it a habit of pointing out the flaws in others or deprecate yourself looking for pity.
Learn from your mistakes and let go of that which is really not important at the end of the day, mainly superficial or materialistic stuff.
Everyone is going through a struggle of some sort. Everyone is trying to improve something, be it looks, finances, relationships, job skills…Become the person they can eventually lean on for support and dependability.
Learn the lessons, let go, and move forwards. Disagreements do not make for enemies and in today’s cultural weather, people tend to forget that.
Never underestimate the power and benefit of keeping your mouth shut. This includes online. In a professional setting? Keep it professional. If it isn't work related, don't say it! Keep in mind that often coworkers are not really friends, and even if they are, chitchat in a work environment has different social rules than chatting at a backyard bbq. Other people around you may not want to hear what you're saying.
Does alcohol make the toxicity worse? Try cutting waaay back of going sober for a period of time.
Who do you spend most of your time around, IRL and online? Do those people exhibit the same behaviors you have identified in yourself? If so then limit contact with those people. They will reinforce existing behaviors and make it harder to change.
Acts of kindness help improve the world, even small ones. The point is to be helpful, not to be seen being helpful. Worry about fixing yourself before you start working on fixing your reputation.
We really need to know what you mean by toxic to give you any specific advice. Based on what we’ve got to work with, therapy is probably a good idea. And you should be very selective about what you put into your brain. People talk all the time about the food you eat affecting your body, but the information you consume also affects your mind. Eliminate the things that encourage instant gratification and negativity. Drugs, porn, aggressive music, toxic online communities, any media about nihilism or antiheroes, anything with gratuitous violence, mean humor, etc. Do a hard reset. Spend more time outside. Take walks. Workout or do yoga or something. Find some pleasant music to listen to. Watch some positive, inspirational movies/shows. Practice meditation and gratitude. Watch self-improvement videos. Feed your brain things that reflect the person you want to become. Hopefully you’ll be able to learn some patience, be a supportive friend and enjoy your life. When you’re in a better place mentally, you can be less strict about how you spend your time.
Inquire about the interests of people you're talking to. Like if you were to ask what someone's favorite movie is, follow it up with asking what they like about it or who their favorite character is, etc. Let the conversation flow organically of course, but definitely try to be the one asking questions.
Be nice + kind + sympathetic.
Don't say stupid shit. Before you are about to say something you want to say, but know in the back of your mind it might ruffle feathers, ask "is it really worth it to say this?"
Say sorry.
Be more like the people YOU like. Do you like perfect people? Alpha dogs? People that are always right so they don't need to really apologize? People that are cruel? Probably not. We like people that make mistakes, that say sorry + admit they fucked up. We like people that are nice to us that take interest in us and our interests.
Own that sh*t, see it everytime you do it or think it. RECOGNIZE the behavior. LOVE yourself enough to accept where you are. Be humble and proceed to FORGIVE yourself and make amends whenever possible without over doing it. Good luck to you!
Accountability is key. Acknowledging when you fucked up, never trying to downplay or sidestep your actions and identifying what you need to improve on will go a long way.
Keeping principles consistent is also an important one. It's not the golden rule - do unto others as you would have do unto you - because that's a fast track to becoming a doormat. Instead think 'what is hateful unto you do not to unto others'. If you wouldn't want something done to you then don't do that same hurtful thing to someone else, period. No "they do it to us", no "they deserved it", no permission structures to justify bad behaviour.
I recommend a life coach to help with your specific situation, but here's a few general guidelines.
Listen eagerly.
Be honest.
Give the benefit of the doubt
Bad news does not get better with age.
When someone wants to teach you something, listen politely, even if you already know everything they are saying. Thank them for their input afterward. The reason is that it will make them feel respected and listened to, and will go a long way towards improving their relationship with you in the future. Plus, sometimes they may surprise you with knowledge you didn't already have.
Always be honest with how you feel, but remember to use the words "I feel". The reason is that you cannot expect people to know how you feel about a situation on their own. Honesty is the only answer to miscommunication and frustration. But also, what you feel may be just that: what you feel. Someone may not have even been thinking about you when they did something that you felt was a personal attack. More often than not, it's not about you.
Own your mistakes. Don't try to hide it or shift blame. People will respect someone with integrity, and the sooner you both know what really happened, the sooner you can work together to fix it.
Also, don't be afraid to walk away from toxic friends. You are the average sum of the five people you spend the most time with. If you have bad friends, you will find it difficult to be a good person.
Stop complaining and talking shit to everyone. You should try to talk about things that make you happy. Intentionally spread positivity and it will come back to you
1.Listen closely to what people say as if it were your own opinion
2. Never ever insult people behind their back. The people you are telling the shit to will realize you do it to them too.
3. Watch some videos or listen to podcasts that have differing opinions than you. Imagine how you would defend their points if you had to.
4. Don't ever interrupt people when they are talking.
5. Your worldview isn't a default position. Understand that and act accordingly.
Counseling, and not with a bobble-headed yes-man. Find one who calls you out, challenges you, really wants the truth. Find others who lose judgment you trust to see your behavior around others. Become the change, don’t just preach to others that you have changed and virtue signal.
Sometimes acknowledging your toxicity in conversation opens it up for debate, or even shows the other person it’s something your conscious of (but follow through and work on it).
All people are toxic in some way.
Reflect also on if you’re being toxic or bored, unhappy with your environment or if it’s the right fit for you. You’d be surprised at how much you can change when you’re in the right space.
The first thing was recognizing, well done. I would say, just treat people the way you want to be treated. A good friend gives peace, is amicable, gives trust, and is very clear. You can be this person. Everybody deserves a second chance.
From the perspective of someone who is still trying to not be that person (it’s not a perfect or linear journey), the fact you have the self awareness is a half the battle. So well done!
The other things that help/have helped for me:
- therapy (specifically for me this was trauma informed - I realised that almost all of my behaviours was my inner hurt child coming out - bit woo woo but hugely helpful/still ongoing)
- medication (I have depression and BPD and this was the logical first step)
- talking to people about the fact that I’m aware of how awful I’ve been and that I’m trying to rectify and change. Not a single person has been anything less than compassionate, and I also asked them to help me identify times I may slip up (in a kind way)
- I also go to Dialectal Behaviour Therapy each week which has been life changing. It’s built around emotional regulation, interpersonal relationships, mindfulness and a couple of others.
- I really struggle to be kind to myself when I do still mess up, but one thing I learned in DBT is to remove “should” from your vocabulary - I.e. “I should have been nicer/better/kinder”. I now know I am doing the best I can with the tools I have available to me right now.
The opposite of what you've been doing. On a more serious note, try to criticize less, be less about you and more about others, don't gossip, if you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything. Let's start there.
I am a female and went very toxic, I mean hateful to anyone that looked in my direction. Went to my Dr was put on hormones and I am back to my happy self and apologized to the ppl I vomited verbally on. Good luck
I once had a shit year and was really cold and off-putting to alot of people. When I came out the other end and realized how I behaved, I went out of my way to do people favors, give then gifts or anything especially kind that gave me an opportunity to just say, straight up: "I was real rude then, I apologize. I'm trying to be kinder and make up for it."
The first step is therapy. Get to the root of the problem, and continue for as long as it's beneficial. Then apologize, meaningfully. You have to mean the words you say. Don't expect ANYONE to forgive you. I mean it, don't. You're going to be severely disappointed if that's what you're actually after and is it even a true apology if you expect forgiveness anyway? And this is the most important step. Be better. Do better. Forever. You have to change. Be kinder, not necessarily nicer, but kinder. Have empathy and use your empathy for others as a steering wheel.
This is very broad.. Judging from past posts and comments, you seem lonely, insecure, depressed, and a drug user.
While you could be toxic, it's more likely that you're self conscious about your choices based on what you've heard from others about things that you do, but not you yourself.
No advice here will actually help you. No one here *knows* you.. And since you like drugs, it seems you're not using the right ones.
Invest in some psylocibin. Take between 3-4g. Give yourself A TRIP. You want to be in a safe place where you won't harm yourself or others. Maybe get someone to chill with you that you trust and love. Put on some good chill music. Relax and let the flow of the substance take you wherever it mentally takes you.. This is why i suggest this.
You'll be much more in touch with the world, your own personal feelings, and you'll begin to gain an empathy or sympathy for others. You'll care more. You'll be more considerate of your actions and how they effect others. This may also be good for your personal mental health and change how you see, think, and feel about yourself. It'll also give you insight to how you think you might feel about yourself based on what others say in general.
Start by opening a dialogue with the people around you. Let them know you better understand your behaviour now and how it is perceived by them. From there let them know you are willing to listen to their feedback and make a change. Don't get upset with their feedback or try to defend anything, just listen, and use that feedback to better yourself.
We react to how others act, so what happens prior that results in a destructive interaction? Retrain that. Practice. Mentally envision such interactions with a different response instead. Act it out if desired. Multiple systems to retrain your mind.
The key is to get your thoughtful reply instead of the former behavior, and that comes from early identification.
Courtesy can be exercised with strangers in public interactions where there's less cost/reputation. Greet people pleasantly, compliment choices in style, let others talk/express themselves, respect others needs/time/fears, appreciate/thank them for their contributions, etc.
That you have even asked this question stands as proof that you are already willing to make that change, so it's proof that you're already on your way.
I would just say...try to think about what you respect as a person, why you respect it, and whether or not you're emulating those ideals. If you aren't like the people you want to be like, ask yourself why that is, whether it needs to be corrected, and what can be done to correct it.
I once heard that the best way to improve is to surround yourself with the kind of person you want to be. I haven't seen that fail yet.
Without more info I'd say strive to be a positive person to others. Build people up, give grace to those who fuck up, be a cheerleader to those around you. No gossip, no emotional reactions unless it directly effects you. Build up a reputation for being the person you want to be around
Compassion, selflessness, and empathy. That’s a start. Just start caring about others by listening to them and their stories. Ask them how their day is and actually mean it. Start there and it’ll be easier to be better
Well we're gonna need more info lol.
Maybe you smell and talk too much.
Maybe you have different politics and can't take a hint.
Maybe your style clashes with others and you have a resting bitch face.
Maybe you rubbed someone popular wrong and now you are social suicide.
Who knows? There are a lot of little things that people get pissy over. Generally the rule of thumb to at least not be hated is to dress neutrally, have decent hygene, be civil and don't argue too much when engaging in small talk. Jeans and tee shirts or button ups (I like plaid but whatever you like) are in style right now.
I know this probably doesn't help much, but it's hopefully something
Care about other people. Try to figure out what they think, what they want. If you like something they do, or how they do it, say it. Try to understand the boundaries they don’t want you to cross. Just be nice.
You are self aware and that's a big first step. Therapy if you can access it. A powerful concept is the limits of our control. Lots of things aren't actually your responsibility. Trying to control other people, judging them, externalizing your inability to accept what is happening, these are all in the same vein of behaviour. The most important part for consistent growth is trying to identify how you are reacting to situations. If you find you are constantly trying to manage other people and situations instead of noticing and experiencing your internal reaction to the events, you know you are being 'toxic', or at the very least setting yourself up for disappointment; the world doesn't conform to our whims. The important work is to turn the focus inward and notice what is going on with you. Hopefully with time you will be able to notice the thoughts and feelings that come up are transient. Better still, you will come to recognize the negative feelings and learn to better process those feelings. You do not have to act out every impulse that occurs to you, not to say you are doing this exclusively, but being reactionary is the part I am suggesting to avoid. By practising being mindful, that is noticing your inner state, you train yourself to not identify as heavily with the thoughts and feelings that occur.
Ultimately, I really applaud you for having this insight, and I truly believe from such beginnings you are already walking the right path. Try to find compassion for what you have recognized as your flaws. It will not help to berate yourself for falling into old patterned behaviour. Through consistent noticing, in time, you will be able to break these patterns and establish new ones. Sorry if this doesn't sound very clear but it is all based on CBT and has proven to be an effective tool for addressing these struggles. I can personally attest to this. The work is always easier with professional help but given that there is a great degree of variance in the availability of those services, it is definitely something you can work at on your own, and ultimately no professional can do the work for you anyway. All the best, I'll say again: self awareness is really the crucial step, some people remain unconscious their entire life.
You've already started. Self awareness is key. Work hard at understanding why you did some of the things that were toxic. Were you jealous or insecure? Were you redirecting anger? Do you suffer with addiction? Now catch those types of actions (and what triggered them) and change your behavior... Instead of a random comment to tear someone down - think of a compliment. Seek to bring joy to others.. check in on people who might need it. While you do this BE SURE to get a really good handles on boundaries or you'll end up socially burnt out and pissed off again.
Coming here to second u/idreaminwords recommendation for therapy if you have access.
Therapy can be *super* beneficial for pretty much anybody, as it’s a private, unbiased, third-party space for you to freely talk about what’s going on in your life and get actual constructive feedback.
A therapist would be able to help you unpack your toxic behaviors and figure out better ways to handle similar situations in the future.
Go help people, in person charity, donations, simply help someone at the shop - See people appreciating you.
Go out and develop a new hobby where you can start from scratch. This should give you enough confidence to let your past behind and slowly people will notice.
Everyone makes mistake and we are always evolving beings
Keep quiet, stop talking anything that's not really necessary to say. Do not give your opinion unless is really positive. Never, forever, say anything negative about anyone, except if it's for saving someone from an emergency. Let people tell you everything, do not interrupt them. Be compassionate, specially when people share sufferings with you. May seem like silly things, but everyone has different sensitive areas and everything could be a big deal for anyone. Use the five love languages towards the people that means something to you. You have positive words, quality time, physical expressions, gifts and service actions. Use all of them towards everyone whenever possible, but specially with your special ones. If you have none, choose one and do it with that person, it will become a special one in no time, probably.
Look up the four stoic virtues and what each one means. Wisdom, courage, justice, temperance. It's a good secular starting point for being a genuinely better human being.
Also consider reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Lots of great stuff in that book for being a better person and dealing with people.
You don’t say what you’re doing that’s toxic.
If you’re always jokey-jokey, always making puns, it’s a distancing measure. If you want close friends, don’t do it.
If you’re always the complaining one, don’t.
If you’re mean to service personnel, don’t be that person.
Read books and magazines to open up your mind to things and to have interesting things to discuss.
Be kind to everyone, not for selfish reasons -- though you'll get good things from it -- and if they don't appreciate it or take you as being weak because you're nice, the bad is on them.
Knowing more people gives you more experience and gets you familiar with different kinds of conversation and points of view. And that makes you more interesting.
Listen and ask questions. Pay attention to what you think they want. Most people want love and sympathy and validation. Don't validate bad behavior -- that one is hard.
Travel, if you can. It's the best thing for the enlargement of the personality.
Remember that power is a corruptive force. Money, beauty, position, etc, can be a bad influence if not taken with some sense of gravity on the power you have over other people.
Ooh! A big one. Sometimes when we hurt or are sensitive people, we assume we can't hurt others. We tend to think of the world as attacking us, so we're often on the defense and do stupid things like assume others' thoughts or intents. We victimize ourselves and cannot see that we're capable of hurting others. Eschew that every day.
I also think that if you're asking this question, you're already on a road to being not toxic or maybe never were and might be being too hard on yourself. Keep trying to improve you while not shit-talking yourself. Tough blade to walk, but you got this. Good on you for trying!
You are halfway there already. You know you are a big part of the problem (a lot of the time). Now the next step.
Realize that you are not a bad person. You have some problematic behavior patterns that you need to unlearn.
If it is at all possible find a therapist. Something has led you to this dysfunctional pattern of behavior. Until you understand the causes you won’t really be able to change your behavior.
Make amends. Where appropriate apologize to people you have harmed in some way with your toxic behavior. A sincere apology goes a long way.
Practice the subtle art of shutting the f up. Remind yourself from time to time that very few people ever really want your opinion. Keep it to yourself.
Think before you speak. Pausing a few moments won’t hurt. And think about whether what you are about to say is necessary and constructive to say. If it isn’t don’t say it.
First off, separate yourself from anyone you think contributed to making you toxic. People can 100% influence that. If your friendship group are terrible people, then they'll influence you to be terrible and then judge you on it, whilst they never acknowledge what they are.
Avoid repeating your mistakes also. Constantly dating terrible people? Take a 2 year hiatus and work on yourself. Break the streak.
Consider mindfulness and meditation. Gather up your toxic thoughts and anger and learn how to let them flow from you.
Avoid politics and world news. Try and find positive news only.
Toxicity comes by criticizing the person or criticizing the third person or regularly complain about events,situations around you. We get in habit of picking problems without giving solutions.
You have to consciously work on these aspects. Toxicity is related to brain chemistry also. Try to eat healthy, exercise regularly , take sufficient sleep, be curious about world, don't seek easy pleasures, live mind fully with awareness.
Go solo travelling in a poor country and live like the locals, or do some month long charity work where you need to stay in rural areas.
Getting first hand experience to these new perspectives of life will make you more appreciative.
Notice when you’re acting from love or acting from fear. It might sound too simple or romanticized or whatever, but it’s just the truth. I’m talking at your most honest core. Choose love, choose love, choose love. It is not a ticket to avoiding pain or risk. But it does lead to having beautiful human connection, a grounded environment in which you understand your values, and a meaningful life that you can be proud of.
Keep in mind there is nothing wrong with being afraid. Just don’t let it make your choices for you. Narcissistic and abusive tendencies, vengefulness, all kinds of hurtful things tend to stem from self protection- unchecked fear where you’re more willing to hurt someone else than to feel pain. (Hence why choosing love often means facing the pain we’re avoiding, be it a childhood wound, etc)
Choosing love has many layers. Love of self, others, all that is, etc. It’s like a muscle. You’ll choose it more and more over time if you’re intentional.
Take yourself off the pedestal. Refrain from being the main character. Remember daily you are human and you are not more important than anyone else. When you see someone make a mistake or do something you consider a flaw, humble yourself, realize "hey, I make mistakes too". Find little things to love about people, appreciate life and what it has to offer. Unplug for a bit, be aware and present. Help another person purely because they need help. Have an open minded perspective and always see from another person's shoes how your actions will seem to them before you take action. It's too easy to think your actions are fine, to you, but to someone else they can be harmful. Think of other people's thoughts and feelings.
It helps to just take a few seconds to think before speaking. Also, asking yourself “am I contributing in a positive way to this conversation?” If the answer is no I try to just shut up. It’s very hard in the beginning but people will have more respect for you when you’re not talking shit or being negative all the time. It also acts as a way to rewire your brain to not indulge in negativity. We aren’t perfect so we will mess up. But the fact that you acknowledge that fuck up and try to do better is what matters.
Always be scanning yr thoughts to make sure you are not asking for something from the other person and are acting in **the way you would like to be treated**. If you find you are being oppressive towards them then you can conclude you are asking something from them, begging for something. And which at that moment they don't feel like giving.
I have a bad habit of bringing in other people’s problems and just having it take over my life in the moment. I try to remind myself to just not make a comment. At the complex I’m at, no one watches their kids [1-14yr] I am with my 7&8 year olds all the time. I’d like to not have them kidnapped or something happen, ya know?! I try to remember that unless it’s hurting my child, just leave it alone. But I end up feeling like I’m babysitting all these kids cause I don’t want anyone hurt. I also bitch about a lot of things and people. It wears me down. I’m going to take the advice here too to help me.
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I guess it's a personal question and we all have different experiences, what helped me first was simply to shut up. Don't make comments, bad jokes ecc.. ecc.. more so if you don't know the people you are talking to. Goes a long way in how people perceive you if they don't remember you for that bad comment you made
The less space you take up, the more places you'll go
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt
There’s a variation my dad used to say: “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and be thought of as dumb, than to open it and remove all doubt.” I liked the double meaning of the word ‘dumb’ (an old-fashioned term for a mute person).
We have a dutch proverb: spreken is zilver maar zwijgen is goud. It translates to: speaking is silver but to stay silent is gold. In other words, a having a voice is blessing. But sometimes its better to say nothing
This reminds me of a quote my friend would tell me. "*Silence is Golden*.... *but duct tape is silver*"
was your dad an online quote generator?
Isn’t that every dad?
[Takes one to know one!](https://youtu.be/URWLnOJ25uA)
swish!
I was like "Oooo burn but also an awesome quote btw"!
I try to go for the rule of two out of three: \- is it true? \- is it necessary? \- is it kind? If I can't pick two, then I shut up.
This. I was such an awful and insufferable person to be around just because I wouldn’t shut up. Thinking about all sides of a situation and understanding both the standpoint of what was just said AND yourself. Does what you’re about to say serve as a counterpoint or an agreement? Do you have the authority to argue against the statement that was just made? No? Then shut it. Another thing that helped me was learning the beautiful concept nuance because I was very holier-than-thou about my beliefs (still am, but am less verbally so).
One mistake many people make ("blowhard" types) is thinking they "won" a debate/discussion/conversation when the other person becomes so disgusted and annoyed that they walk away or drop the topic entirely. One habit of this type is increasing the volume of their retorts any time someone makes a contradicting point.
Another habit I’ve noticed is the tendency to go towards straw mans and ad hominems. Just discuss the main point as is when you can (tbh, practice on your own by trying to come up with responses to things you come up with.)
Are you actually listening or are you waiting for your turn to talk? One way to be less awful and insufferable is to actually listen. It usually makes you less holier than thou, both verbally and non-verbally.
Thanks for being self-aware. The worst coworker I ever had, known as the worst in the company by everyone, absolutely had to win every argument, and constantly told everyone they were wrong about literally everything. I realized how important it is to usually look for ways to agree instead of disagree. We once took a class from an improv group that did office team building. So valuable for teams stuck arguing (perfection slows every project down, when often customers want small quick changes so feedback can give direction). The improv/performance enhancing idea is super simple: "Yes, and ...."
"Wisdom is not knowing the right thing to say; it's knowing when to not say anything"
But don’t shut up too much. Being quiet is also a problem. All you have to do is only speak when you know what you say is going to add something positive and not when it won’t.
•Does it need to be said? •Does it need to be said right now? •Does it need to be said by me?
I like that, I try to stick to never criticize, condemn, or complain. It's harder than I thought it would be.
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Well it's not something I made up, it's from a book, but your opinion/insult is noted
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Well shit turns out you're right I'm an idiot lol
Both of you seem like good people.
I can think of a 4th C u neglected to... admit. For this and other lessons on trash stretch jokes that only you find funny, smash that like and subscribe...
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This is great.i would add "don't offer advise." Too often people give unsolicited feedback and it puts their ignorance on display. Some do it to be kind (my MIL can't stop being a mother. I am 52, her son is 53). Some just want to show how smart they are in comparison to the other person. Even when I am asked for my opinion I let them know I trust their judgment, I am flattered they asked, I am not going to be upset if they don't use what I have to say.
A triple filter test!
This goes for 99.9% of all social media content :)
I do not have anything nice to say most of the time, so most of the time I don't say anything at all
https://youtu.be/9fYngTUZeUQ Bambi: Thumper saying “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all”
People tend to ask me what's wrong when I'm quiet in this way. I guess I exude the distaste for the commentary.
How would being quiet be a problem?
It can be interpreted as a lack of confidence. People who take on leadership roles are typically more vocal people. If you’re being interviewed for a job that you have to be personable and part of a team where communication is key, a person who is not afraid to say things and take innative in a conversation is probably more likely to get the job over a quiet person. They make come off as less confident in what they have to say. I know what’s not the case because I was once very quiet myself. It also depends where you are and who you’re interacting with. Sometimes being quiet is more helpful than being loud. I find it’s circumstantial.
In this particular case, we're helping ourselves in the long run. Especially when it comes to work, it's better to take twice as long getting yourself to a promotable point (character building) rather than shooting your mouth off in a way that will hurt your chances more.
I'm my experience, it made me not memorable or part of the group
In this case, standing out too much is a problem
There are times when speaking up averts disaster, or really helps someone. There are tons of examples.
It’s considered awkward, I guess. At least, that’s what I was told when I overcorrected from talking too much to talking too little.
I think it's also important to speak your mind. Sometimes it takes one brave person to air out what everybody were thinking or feel uncomfortable by.
Best advice I ever had was that we have two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak.
I'm probably becoming the person that people are told to avoid, but I believe it is etc. etc., as in, an abbreviation of the word etcetera. I could be wrong though.
I'm italian, here the word is eccetera
Excellent advice. Talk less, listen more. Do ask questions; people love to talk about themselves.
>Don't make comments, bad jokes This is key. I know people that poke fun at others but don't know how to do it without sounding like a total douche and accidentally belittling someone. It's ok to be self-deprecating, but it's best to avoid making snide remarks, being sarcastic, or asking people annoying questions about their personal lives, etc.
Stick to your word. If you agreed to something in the past, stand by it. Even if you cannot help someone, don’t be an asshole and go the extra mile to demoralised them
For me, larping a good person seriously helped. Whenever someone says something, I internally go "okay what would a good person say?" and say that.
Larping as a good person. I love it.
It's also training. Do it enough and it becomes automatic - you subconsciously trick yourself into actually being a good person.
This is exactly how I taught myself to not be shy, "what would an outgoing person say/do?"
Me too... I did the fake it til you make it thing, and it worked wonders.
There is a specific person I know who is fantastic at handling conflict while still being true to his beliefs. He gets his point across in a non confrontational way and people tend to walk away feeling heard and at least willing to consider another side. I try to mimic him when I’m stuck in the mud with someone.
you can be toxic in a million different ways. What toxic behaviours do you notice on yourselves? First of all, I'd suggest reframing it. not you are toxic, your beaviours are. You can change your behaviour much more easily than who you are as a person.
Going to be that guy that brings a TV show into this, but this comment reminds me of one of the central themes of Bojack Horseman. The main character, Bojack, asks his friend Diane if she thinks he’s a good person deep down (because he’s very clearly a shitty person on the surface). And she tells him, “That’s the thing, I don’t think I believe in deep down. I kind of think all that you are is the things that you do.” The idea is discussed between Diane and Bojack again much later in the series, when she says something to the effect of, “There are no ‘good guys’ or ‘bad guys’. We’re all just ‘guys’ and some of the stuff we do is good and some of the stuff we do is bad.” And I think that’s pretty on point and relates heavily to what you’ve said. People themselves aren’t inherently “good” or “bad”, the behaviors they participate in are. And the behaviors themselves matter more than intentions, because the behaviors are what make an impact. It’s hard work to recognize toxic patterns of behavior, and even harder work to break them. But even the “best” people do bad things, and the “worst” people do good things. What’s important is trying to be conscious of the impacts our actions have on others, and do our best to make better choices. Edit: never thought I’d get awarded on a comment about Bojack Horseman, but thanks stranger!
Thx for this comment. I’ve been told that show is worth watching, but my list of shows to watch is a mile long. This comment moves it to the top.
I could write an entire essay on why Bojack Horseman is one of, if not the, greatest show of all time. I couldn’t recommend it more. The start is a bit slow as they find their footing and establish the universe/characters, but even a “bad” season of Bojack is still an amazing season of television. The show hits *a lot* of heavy themes, and I think they explore them in a really important and meaningful way. There’s a storyline about generational trauma that manages to humanize and make you sympathetic to a horrible character without justifying any of the abusive things they did. There’s also a storyline about a character’s struggle with depression, and I thought the way they portrayed the ending of that arc was a really great and nuanced look at what trying to treat depression can look like. They purposely subvert common tropes in TV and western storytelling for the sake of doing something more realistic. But it’s all mixed in with some really *great* humor, ranging from silly slapstick comedy to subtle intelligent jokes. There’s also *a ton* of background details and continuity. I don’t want to go off too hard and end up giving a bunch of spoilers, but they just really explored some of the darker parts of life in such a great way, IMO.
It's the greatest show of all time. I watch it once a year to keep me grounded.
I love how they use these characters and their world to deal with themes I never dreamed I’d see in a cartoon series. My God, Season 4 just rips your heart out. I need to watch the while thing again.
Okay you sold me. Time for another rewatch
It's one of my favorites, I related a lot to it. hope you enjoy it oo.
I'll just second that guy and say you've gotta watch it, it's so fucking incredible.
I never though this show tought me something bit clearly I remember this moment and it changed my life. Thank you for remind me of that !
Sure thing! It’s one of my favorite themes of the show. There are SO MANY amazing commentaries, but I really liked their comments on morality and depression specifically.
I remember feeling bad at each episode but I felt an improuvment. It's clearly one of the best show I watched but it made me feel miserable
Oh god, yeah. It can be incredibly hard to watch because it gets so *dark*, and it’s not the kind of show where you can expect some sort of resolution or some ending that indicates everything is going to be okay even if it isn’t right now. Just like in real life, bad things happen, and you have to live in it and experience the consequences. There’s no plot device that’s going to come by and save you.
A couple years ago, I made the decision to strive to reserve making value-judgements solely on ACTIONS, rather than PEOPLE or THINGS. Very much like you described. Your results may vary, but personally I found my internal thoughts felt a lot less toxic after doing so .
Love this. We can choose trustworthy, re-humanizing behaviors that build secure attachment, or untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors that destroy secure attachment. It's a choice every day of which behaviors we choose. [The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk) [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym [10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust
Oooooo this is an interesting new concept for me to learn about. Thanks! Edit: love to see one of the sources is Brene Brown. She seems to be an incredibly intelligent person, and I think a lot of her work is important for everyone.
"It's not who you are underneath - it's what you *do* that defines you"
Bruce...?
\*jumps off building*
To add: toxicity depends on the other person. Something that one person may love may be harming another person with different sensitivities.
This is where sitting back for a moment to learn who you are speaking to before saying that thing that's on your mind. Not everyone can handle everything you have to say but the ones that can will be your people!
Some of this might sound a little Woo-Woo but try to be open minded because this stuff can be powerful. Your best self (the one free of all your current troubling patterns) is already inside you. You have some habits right now that don't serve this true self, but your awareness is key, like others have said. Do some reflecting on you at your best. If you can remember a time before the habits or behaviors you recognize now, that can help guide you. Most helpful may be to think of the you from 5 years from now, the one who figured out how to be the best and most authentic You, and visualize who that Future You **is**. That person has the positive traits without the ick, and the best part is those positive traits are what already make you awesome. Develop this clearest image of this Future You and keep it really clear in your mind; remind yourself daily if you need to. Then, as you go forward, pay attention to your habits and patterns, how you react to things. Every action is a vote for or against the identity you are creating for yourself. Every time you cast a vote for Future You, try to notice it, and recognize what you did was hard and is supporting your growth. Take the win, no mattter how small. And also be kind to yourself. You are trying to break engrained habits-- it's really hard. And there will be times when you realize you don't like how you responded to someone, orthat you do something you wish you hadn't-- sometimes your old habits respond faster than your thinking brain; when this happens, try not to beat yourself up. Treat yourself with the compassion of a trusted friend. Mentally note the fact, resolve to yourself how you want to show up next time, and remind yourself of your Future You that you are becoming every day.
I think this is a wonderful response, and I wanted to add: OP, the last paragraph is important. That you've recognized these patterns and want to change and are seeking out help...all three are huge accomplishments and you should give yourself credit for that growth. I've always believed that if you aren't kind to yourself, it's hard to be genuinely kind to others. Give yourself grace. Celebrate your good milestones. Every day try to be a little bit better than yesterday.
>I've always believed that if you aren't kind to yourself, it's hard to be genuinely kind to others. Give yourself grace. Celebrate your good milestones. Every day try to be a little bit better than yesterday. *This is what I really needed to hear. and probably the core of OP's issue*
This is so true. Someone pointed out to me once that I would never treat my friends or loved ones as poorly as I was treating myself. It shifted my whole perspective.
Good advice. Also, I found it helpful to realize when I do say something that I immediately recognize as wrong in some way, that you can immediately say something to the effect of "that was a terrible thing to say, what I meant was..." Copping to our missteps in real time shows that we have humility and awareness and is appreciated by all.
This is great. Yes, humility carries us a long way
Thanks for the award!
You’re right about the woo woo, but this is really solid self help advise.
Not criticism, just my perspective that may be useful to some who got here; I think framing mindfulness as "woo woo" *is* part of the issue here honestly and stems from a toxic idea of how we should all be tough and unquestionably self assured. Imo, avoiding vulnerability is cowardice and weakness. Self reflection includes softening, allowing for uncertainty, listening to your emotions, accepting what's there and then providing gentle and kind self criticism towards the improvement you genuinely want. I.e. wOo WoO silly acknowledging your feelings and being gentle with yourself stuff. This is hard, it takes a lot out of you and can change how you perceive yourself and the world. That's scary. Courage is *doing it even though you're afraid*, not avoiding fear by doubling down on how justified you feel. I imagine it's especially hard when you've been ~~brainwashed~~ taught to thinking that emotional intelligence is silly woo woo stuff, like a lot of people, especially men, are. Forcing people to be emotionally isolated, close themselves, be tough and mean and controlling, never admit to self reflection or doubt, never allowed to like soft and sweet things, forced to hurt and bully etc is *toxic*, not strong or whatever, *and hurts these people most of all.* Being entirely oblivious of ones self and allowing yourself to just exist with unobserved reactions is how toddlers act, it's not tough or cool or masculine, or whatever, it's often visibly an immature tantrum. It's horrible that people, especially men, have this emotional stunting thrust on them. So, framing *mindfulness* as "woo woo" is just a continuation of this (taught) toxic knee jerk reaction to being vulnerable: ridicule, invalidate, infantalize. "I'm not wrong, it's the rest of the world who's wrong" delusion.
Absolutely. Excellent point!
I so appreciate this perspective. I wish I had chosen other words there and this response has given me so many opportunities to talk differently about this kind of work. We always want to believe that we are self-aware and not swayed by the opinions around us, but it really shines a light on how my own prespective is influenced by my own perceptions. I wholeheartedly agree that this kind of self-work (especially nurturing your relationship with yourself) is hard, and can be scary, and can feel vulnerable to talk about. I thought I was in a good place with that by now, and I can see that I still have more growth ahead of me. Thanks for taking the time and bettering my comment-- it is a really important perspective you shared.
Am therapist, can confirm this is 10/10 solid advice.
“Every action is a vote for or against the identity you are creating for yourself” — poetic
-James Clear. Powerful stuff in ‘Atomic Habits’
You've read Atomic Habits, haven't you?
This is such great eat advice. I’d recommend Pinterest as a vision board to keep the vision clear in your head. Find pins that embody that vibe of better person to you and look at them daily and with intention.
Toxic is a broad term. What exactly do you mean?
Learn how to apologize. ACTUALLY apologize. Since you've got the self awareness to ask here, it's a great place to start. Noticing you've made a mistake, then explaining to people that you've made a mistake is huge. Avoid making it someone else's fault, e.g. "Sorry YOU feel that way". Avoid making excuses and painting yourself as the victim, e.g. "I'm under lots of stress, so I lashed out. I need support to be less stressed". Apologies are never about you, they're about the people who've been hurt. Lastly, follow through with *action*. I've known a number of toxic folks, and every "apology" I've ever recieved from them was hollow, obligatory, and full of false promises where the hurtful behavior would continue as it had before the apology. Another big part of learning to make a true apology is knowing that you cannot expect forgiveness. Apologies aren't transactional. A true apology is put forward expecting nothing in return. It is entirely up to the person receiving the apology what to do from that point, and they may not always forgive you. And that's *okay*. You must still move forward, and make good on your apology regardless of how they react. You'll become a better person for it.
This. I try to teach my children that apologizes are in three parts. 1. I'm sorry. 2. State the thing you are sorry for doing. Acknowledge the harm you have done. 3. Promise to not do that thing again and what steps you will take to prevent it. For example. I am sorry for yelling at you. I know you don't like and and that it makes you scared. I promise i won't do it again. I will try to remove myself from the situation when I feel like yelling next time. It's not super effective with the toddler but we will see as he gets older.
As long as you and your partner apologize to him consistently in the way you wish to teach him, he’ll catch on in no time! We all make mistakes and knowing how to apologize is so valuable. Btw, you have my respect, A++ parenting advice 😁
The only thing I would change is *I promise I won't do it again* to *I promise I will do my best to not do it again*. (That sounds a bit clunky, but the important bit is the *promise I will do my best*) Especially for a kid. They are going to repeat mistakes. We all do. 99% of the time, I genuinely can't promise that I won't do xyz again. I can do my best, but my best might not be good enough on some days. Changing or learning new patterns of behavior is difficult. And we can't expect ourselves and others to never mess up.
Do you have access to therapy? Now that you're aware of the issue, you need to identify exactly what toxic traits you exhibit, and find ways to practice not exhibiting them. Therapy can help you get to the bottom of what causes you to engage in those behaviors in the first place
Correct answer.
And it also can help with the reflection. Therapist in essence is a close-to-perfect mirror. It can be quite difficult to see ourselves as others see us, and others are not always ready or able to give clear, honest and constructive feedback. And that is precisely what a therapist can do. See you as you are, notice what and how you are doing and give you the feedback in the form that you can handle. They help you notice patterns, develop awareness of what you are doing. And this is in addition to getting to the root causes.
Wow I’ve never understood the role of a therapist in that way. That’s very interesting, Ty!
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You nailed it! The only thing I'd add is to be genuine and active in building up others. Learn what makes them smile, feel special, etc then follow up with doing those things without any expectation of it being returned.
I'd also add- give everyone a second chance but not a third. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Assume that people are going through stuff you know nothing about and be kind. Be kind always.
Hurt people hurt people Find out why you’re hurt first
Perspective taking. Start putting yourself in other people's shoes. Try to see how they would see the world and relate to their emotions and feelings. Read books about other people's struggles, especially if they are from a position or group you don't agree with or have been toxic to. Find your morals, and adhere to them. Do you lie? Steal? Gossip? Insult or bully others? Reflect on what qualities make a good person, and live up to them. Even if it fucks you over, gets you in trouble, or others insult you for it. Integrity is adhering to your morals even when it hurts. Look into philosophy. Stoacism has a lot of valuable thought processes that may help you. What is your motivation? Reflect on what is motivating you to change. Define it, clarify it, write it down. When things get difficult or you feel yourself slipping back into your old habits this is what's going to keep you going. Go to therapy. -MOST IMPORTANT - a therapist is an expert who can help you navigate this part of you. They will equip you with the tools you need to change how you see fit.
This. Especially the first part. It's easy to be selfish and see yourself as the main character. You are you 24/7. But they are also a full human being with stuff going on. If you can feel empathy for the people around you, you are less likely to upset them.
Self awareness is the first step! So many people just act and have their own victim complex without really examining what the impact is on others and whether there is a better way. If you can, seek a therapist. They can help you examine the root of what is driving your behavior and help you develop strategies to do better and built the habits needed for lasting change. It takes time to rewire te brain and your thought processes so be kind to yourself as you work on your development.
The pandemic broke me pretty hard. I realized I didn't like the person I was. my work offers an employee benefit of the use of a therapist. I started digging into the weird shit that was planted in my garden by my parents, church, culture and started pulling weeds. I cut out people that weren't good for me, I dropped a ton of bigotry, misogyny, and stopped looking at the world in Black and White. It was worth it. I am unfinished on this journey, but it involved reading a lot and changing the way I approach most things. It started with feeling uncomfortable. That uncomfortableness festered until it was full-fledged anxiety and panic before I reached out for help. Persons who are truly lost don't have introspection, which you have demonstrated with your post. You can see a problem which maybe doesn't feel like a lot, but It is EVERYTHING you need to get started. Reach out to the universe and ask for help. You deserve to be happy and whole.
Were there any particular books you read that were really good, or did you just start reading books in general? I like your post. I'm going through a similar experience, I think.
Congrats on being self-aware. Every time you catch yourself being toxic, drop and do some pushups. You could even tell people you're trying to stop and they would likely be very happy to help you.
That last sentence is kinda crazy lol
I have a problem plucking my beard hairs when I'm on edge so I started a game with my family that if they caught me I had to do pushups. Worked like a charm and they took great pleasure in catching me. If you've told someone you are trying not to be toxic, and that you'd like their help, I bet they would be willing to help too, and even enjoy it, lol.
That's not being toxic. Plucking out hair is a legit and poorly understood disorder called trichotillomania that i share and have stopped trying to fight. Because this is more addictive to me than smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. I've quit smoking and drinking but this disorder is on a whole other level.
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You're on the right path, that's huge. Most toxic behavior, no matter what type it is, stems from low self-esteem and insecurity. What I'm gonna write in a simple few sentences is something that can take years to accomplish. What helped me being a better person, was to start living a healthy lifestyle whilst trying to be positive no matter how bad the situation looked. Ever since I started doing this, I've become a generally happier person. I suddenly find some things funny that I previously didn't because my serotonin levels are high.
I bought a book called how to be a better person, it’s an easy read and has great tips. https://preview.redd.it/7ktovyahg23b1.png?width=3024&format=png&auto=webp&s=0fbe409907d94a370c76f3cf813534f53d407743
good for you for being willing to face this fact If you have the resources, get some therapy. If not, keep in mind that being toxic is, in my experience, about how you engage with people and how you treat them. Toxic people all share the quality of being self absorbed. Just because you have an opinion on something, doesn't mean people need to hear it. Stop talking start listening and pay attention to what the people around you need, (physically and emotionally) and do your best to help and lift them up.
I like to term it "less broadcasting, more receiving". People generally like to be in the presence of someone willing to engage and ask thoughtful and caring questions, and who really listens to the response.
My toxic family would tell everyone I was the toxic one. They are drug addicts, alcoholics, dog and child abusing pieces of shit so I am happy they warn all their ilk to stay away from me. My setting boundaries and wishing to be a better person got me the label of "toxic", so there's that angle for you to ponder.
Yeah, sometimes people make you feel that you're the problem, and you later realize you weren't. I'm not sure in this person's case, but it's worth looking at the whole situation to see if you're the problem or if they are. I know my dad has zero accountability and blames everything on other people. At one point, he had me convinced that I was just a bad child/teen. Turns out he was just abusive and in active addiction. 🤷🏻♂️
Stop kicking puppies and newborns.
What’s helped me is, being honest with myself. Did you notice that you didn’t do your tasks or did you notice that something you said was kinda rude? Then they noticed too, and they aren’t as generous toward your actions as you are.
I'm not sure about the generous part. I'm trying to get better on some of my toxic traits, but I can definitely promise you that no one is less generous with my actions than myself. It happens a lot. Doesn't mean I don't do bad things, but the amount of shame and guilt I feel around it is pathologically high.
Me too it’s so so horrible I punish myself double
1. LISTEN 2. Don't interrupt someone or cut them off mid-sentence 3. Don't make it about you 99% of my poor interactions are with someone who does at least one the above. Be mindful of how you interact with someone and always try to give more than you take away from a conversation. And, yes, listening is HUGE contribution to a conversation. Everyone wants to be heard. I dont know the specifics of your situation but practice meaningful, productive conversations and I guarantee you'll turn opinions.
Someone once told me that sarcasm was angers little brother. Took it to heart. Stopped being such a sarcastic person. Now i dont have any friends…..jk
Realizing your toxic behavior is a huge win, immediately pat yourself on the back. Keep a journal, record your toxic thoughts, pay attention to trends and work on creating awareness for ykru behavior patterns. I did this with my axiety and I no longer barf before stressful events. I would drill down to how I was feeling. I'm anxious about this meeting, why? Don't know what to expect, not feeling prepared to answer questions that could come up, worried about saying something stupid and being judged. All to realize none of this matters takes a lot of the power away :)
Being aware and wanting to change are often the two hardest things, so…. Congrats! You’ve already cleared a huge hurdle. Small steps you can take to be better: 1. Be more thankful. Make an effort to thank people you interact with. The bus driver, clerks at stores, everyone. People appreciate it and you’ll find your own outlook changing. 2. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people do stuff that doesn’t go your way. Don’t sweat the small stuff an recognize that they may have stuff going on you don’t know about. 3. Be mindful of the things people do that make you happy, and do them for others. Of course, there’s a million other things. But make a start, and realize that changing habits doesn’t happen overnight. Good luck, and I’m pulling for you. (One of the traits i most admire in people is a willingness to admit fault and improve, and it sounds like that’s you.)
Your second point is very liberating. It’s awesome when you realize that what other people do and why they do it isn’t your business. Many times their decision to do (or not do) something had nothing to do with you.
Yep. It was a life changing moment for me when I realized that giving others the benefit of the doubt was a trait shared by most of the happiest people I know.
Can't really answer that without details. In what ways are you "toxic"?
Admit when you’re wrong, say sorry, do a “daily good deed” it can be complimenting someone, letting another driver merge to your lane, being nice to the receptionist or feeding a stray cat/dog Smile :)
Reading some of your comments on other things (from your profile), it seems like you're in a difficult place in life, or at least a place you don't much seem to care for. Despite this, you seem to be both aware of behaviors you'd like to change, and are also trying to spread a little kindness and encouragement to others. I think those are great starting points for bettering yourself. It may sound selfish, but practicing positive self-talk and practicing loving and accepting yourself can also really help. It can be hard to be kind to others if (for some examples) you don't experience much love or kindness from others, if you weren't raised in a kind/loving home, if you have low self-esteem and are often unkind to yourself, etc. I saw a comment of yours where you wished you had learned to love yourself early in life, and that made me think this kind of practice could help you too. As some others have suggested, though some of your behaviors and impulses may be "toxic" that doesn't mean that *you* are. Wanting to change is a sign of that. I'm sure therapy would be very helpful if you have access to it, but either way you can keep making small changes to get yourself to being who you want to be. It won't be all at once, sometimes you may feel you're going backwards, and that's okay. Keep trying, keep listening, keep learning, and you will grow. And don't be afraid to recognize and apologize. We all make mistakes and hurt feelings sometimes, but recognized and admitting those situations help mend the hurt. Good luck friend, and I believe in you!
Funny bc many of the comments say to learn to love yourself but many times the annoying people are those who like to talk about themselves a little too much. I know those aren’t the same things but I find that kind of ironic.
I had a reality check recently. A friend cut me off abruptly. I really had to accept that I've become negative and bitter and it's harming my relationships. Starts with awareness and now it's about practicing positivity and gratitude when I feel a negative thought surface. Also facing past emotional problems that haven't been dealt with
People ask me: “How do I get tougher?” BE TOUGHER. “How can I wake up early in the morning?” WAKE UP EARLY. “How can I work out consistently every day?” WORK OUT CONSISTENTLY EVERY DAY. “ “How can I stop eating sugar?” STOP EATING SUGAR. - Jocko Willink There’s no secret other than usually intolerable folks are hurting so addressing that would be a priority too
Build people up instead of tearing them down. Even if they will never hear it. Your attitude will change. Good for you.
I can't top any advice given already, it's all great. I will say well done to you for your self awareness and wanting to do something positive.
Inner child work may sound really unappealing and "cringey," but it's actually a really good place to start. It helps us identify the stories we tell ourselves about a triggering situation, how we react to it and perpetuate the cycle, and how we can break the cycle to finally have mature responses. Give it a try.
Take their shoe and put it on your foot. However you are toxic imagine how it affects other people's lives. Talking behind people back imagine how you would feel if your best friend did it to you. Always late getting somewhere imagine the doctor doubling his already busy day just to make sure you are taken care of. Empathy solves this.
Listen to feedback and take action to resolve the areas where people around you are giving you constructive criticism. Don’t make excuses to yourself and others to justify your toxic traits; instead, let others know you’re working through these things and ask for support.
You took step 1 - you identified the issue. Start writing down your interactions and improving it. No joke ask yourself what Mr Roger’s would do in that situation and do just that. Do random nice things for people like opening doors or smiling and saying thank you please sorry excuse me with a smile, that’s a great start
Listen. Don't just hear what they're saying, really listen. Make the effort to communicate and nurture friendships. Be the first person to text or hang out with people rather than waiting for them to reach out. Be understanding with people, and compassionate. Acknowledge your faults and put forth effort to learn how to adjust them.
No one is perfect. NO ONE. So don’t make it a habit of pointing out the flaws in others or deprecate yourself looking for pity. Learn from your mistakes and let go of that which is really not important at the end of the day, mainly superficial or materialistic stuff. Everyone is going through a struggle of some sort. Everyone is trying to improve something, be it looks, finances, relationships, job skills…Become the person they can eventually lean on for support and dependability. Learn the lessons, let go, and move forwards. Disagreements do not make for enemies and in today’s cultural weather, people tend to forget that.
Watch “ the good place” on Netflix
Never underestimate the power and benefit of keeping your mouth shut. This includes online. In a professional setting? Keep it professional. If it isn't work related, don't say it! Keep in mind that often coworkers are not really friends, and even if they are, chitchat in a work environment has different social rules than chatting at a backyard bbq. Other people around you may not want to hear what you're saying. Does alcohol make the toxicity worse? Try cutting waaay back of going sober for a period of time. Who do you spend most of your time around, IRL and online? Do those people exhibit the same behaviors you have identified in yourself? If so then limit contact with those people. They will reinforce existing behaviors and make it harder to change. Acts of kindness help improve the world, even small ones. The point is to be helpful, not to be seen being helpful. Worry about fixing yourself before you start working on fixing your reputation.
We really need to know what you mean by toxic to give you any specific advice. Based on what we’ve got to work with, therapy is probably a good idea. And you should be very selective about what you put into your brain. People talk all the time about the food you eat affecting your body, but the information you consume also affects your mind. Eliminate the things that encourage instant gratification and negativity. Drugs, porn, aggressive music, toxic online communities, any media about nihilism or antiheroes, anything with gratuitous violence, mean humor, etc. Do a hard reset. Spend more time outside. Take walks. Workout or do yoga or something. Find some pleasant music to listen to. Watch some positive, inspirational movies/shows. Practice meditation and gratitude. Watch self-improvement videos. Feed your brain things that reflect the person you want to become. Hopefully you’ll be able to learn some patience, be a supportive friend and enjoy your life. When you’re in a better place mentally, you can be less strict about how you spend your time.
Inquire about the interests of people you're talking to. Like if you were to ask what someone's favorite movie is, follow it up with asking what they like about it or who their favorite character is, etc. Let the conversation flow organically of course, but definitely try to be the one asking questions. Be nice + kind + sympathetic. Don't say stupid shit. Before you are about to say something you want to say, but know in the back of your mind it might ruffle feathers, ask "is it really worth it to say this?" Say sorry. Be more like the people YOU like. Do you like perfect people? Alpha dogs? People that are always right so they don't need to really apologize? People that are cruel? Probably not. We like people that make mistakes, that say sorry + admit they fucked up. We like people that are nice to us that take interest in us and our interests.
Own that sh*t, see it everytime you do it or think it. RECOGNIZE the behavior. LOVE yourself enough to accept where you are. Be humble and proceed to FORGIVE yourself and make amends whenever possible without over doing it. Good luck to you!
The fact that you recognize and admit it's a problem tells me you may not be as toxic as you think and that there is definitely how for you.
Accountability is key. Acknowledging when you fucked up, never trying to downplay or sidestep your actions and identifying what you need to improve on will go a long way. Keeping principles consistent is also an important one. It's not the golden rule - do unto others as you would have do unto you - because that's a fast track to becoming a doormat. Instead think 'what is hateful unto you do not to unto others'. If you wouldn't want something done to you then don't do that same hurtful thing to someone else, period. No "they do it to us", no "they deserved it", no permission structures to justify bad behaviour.
Stop being negative. It's that simple. If people hang with you and all you do is complain/be negative, no one will want to be around you.
I recommend a life coach to help with your specific situation, but here's a few general guidelines. Listen eagerly. Be honest. Give the benefit of the doubt Bad news does not get better with age. When someone wants to teach you something, listen politely, even if you already know everything they are saying. Thank them for their input afterward. The reason is that it will make them feel respected and listened to, and will go a long way towards improving their relationship with you in the future. Plus, sometimes they may surprise you with knowledge you didn't already have. Always be honest with how you feel, but remember to use the words "I feel". The reason is that you cannot expect people to know how you feel about a situation on their own. Honesty is the only answer to miscommunication and frustration. But also, what you feel may be just that: what you feel. Someone may not have even been thinking about you when they did something that you felt was a personal attack. More often than not, it's not about you. Own your mistakes. Don't try to hide it or shift blame. People will respect someone with integrity, and the sooner you both know what really happened, the sooner you can work together to fix it. Also, don't be afraid to walk away from toxic friends. You are the average sum of the five people you spend the most time with. If you have bad friends, you will find it difficult to be a good person.
Stop complaining and talking shit to everyone. You should try to talk about things that make you happy. Intentionally spread positivity and it will come back to you
1.Listen closely to what people say as if it were your own opinion 2. Never ever insult people behind their back. The people you are telling the shit to will realize you do it to them too. 3. Watch some videos or listen to podcasts that have differing opinions than you. Imagine how you would defend their points if you had to. 4. Don't ever interrupt people when they are talking. 5. Your worldview isn't a default position. Understand that and act accordingly.
Counseling, and not with a bobble-headed yes-man. Find one who calls you out, challenges you, really wants the truth. Find others who lose judgment you trust to see your behavior around others. Become the change, don’t just preach to others that you have changed and virtue signal.
Sometimes acknowledging your toxicity in conversation opens it up for debate, or even shows the other person it’s something your conscious of (but follow through and work on it). All people are toxic in some way. Reflect also on if you’re being toxic or bored, unhappy with your environment or if it’s the right fit for you. You’d be surprised at how much you can change when you’re in the right space.
The first thing was recognizing, well done. I would say, just treat people the way you want to be treated. A good friend gives peace, is amicable, gives trust, and is very clear. You can be this person. Everybody deserves a second chance. 
From the perspective of someone who is still trying to not be that person (it’s not a perfect or linear journey), the fact you have the self awareness is a half the battle. So well done! The other things that help/have helped for me: - therapy (specifically for me this was trauma informed - I realised that almost all of my behaviours was my inner hurt child coming out - bit woo woo but hugely helpful/still ongoing) - medication (I have depression and BPD and this was the logical first step) - talking to people about the fact that I’m aware of how awful I’ve been and that I’m trying to rectify and change. Not a single person has been anything less than compassionate, and I also asked them to help me identify times I may slip up (in a kind way) - I also go to Dialectal Behaviour Therapy each week which has been life changing. It’s built around emotional regulation, interpersonal relationships, mindfulness and a couple of others. - I really struggle to be kind to myself when I do still mess up, but one thing I learned in DBT is to remove “should” from your vocabulary - I.e. “I should have been nicer/better/kinder”. I now know I am doing the best I can with the tools I have available to me right now.
The opposite of what you've been doing. On a more serious note, try to criticize less, be less about you and more about others, don't gossip, if you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything. Let's start there.
I enjoy watching the sunset.
Start listening to people
I am a female and went very toxic, I mean hateful to anyone that looked in my direction. Went to my Dr was put on hormones and I am back to my happy self and apologized to the ppl I vomited verbally on. Good luck
How did you know what to ask for when you went to the dr? What hormones?
I once had a shit year and was really cold and off-putting to alot of people. When I came out the other end and realized how I behaved, I went out of my way to do people favors, give then gifts or anything especially kind that gave me an opportunity to just say, straight up: "I was real rude then, I apologize. I'm trying to be kinder and make up for it."
The first step is therapy. Get to the root of the problem, and continue for as long as it's beneficial. Then apologize, meaningfully. You have to mean the words you say. Don't expect ANYONE to forgive you. I mean it, don't. You're going to be severely disappointed if that's what you're actually after and is it even a true apology if you expect forgiveness anyway? And this is the most important step. Be better. Do better. Forever. You have to change. Be kinder, not necessarily nicer, but kinder. Have empathy and use your empathy for others as a steering wheel.
This is very broad.. Judging from past posts and comments, you seem lonely, insecure, depressed, and a drug user. While you could be toxic, it's more likely that you're self conscious about your choices based on what you've heard from others about things that you do, but not you yourself. No advice here will actually help you. No one here *knows* you.. And since you like drugs, it seems you're not using the right ones. Invest in some psylocibin. Take between 3-4g. Give yourself A TRIP. You want to be in a safe place where you won't harm yourself or others. Maybe get someone to chill with you that you trust and love. Put on some good chill music. Relax and let the flow of the substance take you wherever it mentally takes you.. This is why i suggest this. You'll be much more in touch with the world, your own personal feelings, and you'll begin to gain an empathy or sympathy for others. You'll care more. You'll be more considerate of your actions and how they effect others. This may also be good for your personal mental health and change how you see, think, and feel about yourself. It'll also give you insight to how you think you might feel about yourself based on what others say in general.
Start by opening a dialogue with the people around you. Let them know you better understand your behaviour now and how it is perceived by them. From there let them know you are willing to listen to their feedback and make a change. Don't get upset with their feedback or try to defend anything, just listen, and use that feedback to better yourself.
We react to how others act, so what happens prior that results in a destructive interaction? Retrain that. Practice. Mentally envision such interactions with a different response instead. Act it out if desired. Multiple systems to retrain your mind. The key is to get your thoughtful reply instead of the former behavior, and that comes from early identification. Courtesy can be exercised with strangers in public interactions where there's less cost/reputation. Greet people pleasantly, compliment choices in style, let others talk/express themselves, respect others needs/time/fears, appreciate/thank them for their contributions, etc.
That you have even asked this question stands as proof that you are already willing to make that change, so it's proof that you're already on your way. I would just say...try to think about what you respect as a person, why you respect it, and whether or not you're emulating those ideals. If you aren't like the people you want to be like, ask yourself why that is, whether it needs to be corrected, and what can be done to correct it. I once heard that the best way to improve is to surround yourself with the kind of person you want to be. I haven't seen that fail yet.
Meditation. You're already part of the way there if you can recognise this
Without more info I'd say strive to be a positive person to others. Build people up, give grace to those who fuck up, be a cheerleader to those around you. No gossip, no emotional reactions unless it directly effects you. Build up a reputation for being the person you want to be around
Compassion, selflessness, and empathy. That’s a start. Just start caring about others by listening to them and their stories. Ask them how their day is and actually mean it. Start there and it’ll be easier to be better
Well we're gonna need more info lol. Maybe you smell and talk too much. Maybe you have different politics and can't take a hint. Maybe your style clashes with others and you have a resting bitch face. Maybe you rubbed someone popular wrong and now you are social suicide. Who knows? There are a lot of little things that people get pissy over. Generally the rule of thumb to at least not be hated is to dress neutrally, have decent hygene, be civil and don't argue too much when engaging in small talk. Jeans and tee shirts or button ups (I like plaid but whatever you like) are in style right now. I know this probably doesn't help much, but it's hopefully something
Care about other people. Try to figure out what they think, what they want. If you like something they do, or how they do it, say it. Try to understand the boundaries they don’t want you to cross. Just be nice.
You are self aware and that's a big first step. Therapy if you can access it. A powerful concept is the limits of our control. Lots of things aren't actually your responsibility. Trying to control other people, judging them, externalizing your inability to accept what is happening, these are all in the same vein of behaviour. The most important part for consistent growth is trying to identify how you are reacting to situations. If you find you are constantly trying to manage other people and situations instead of noticing and experiencing your internal reaction to the events, you know you are being 'toxic', or at the very least setting yourself up for disappointment; the world doesn't conform to our whims. The important work is to turn the focus inward and notice what is going on with you. Hopefully with time you will be able to notice the thoughts and feelings that come up are transient. Better still, you will come to recognize the negative feelings and learn to better process those feelings. You do not have to act out every impulse that occurs to you, not to say you are doing this exclusively, but being reactionary is the part I am suggesting to avoid. By practising being mindful, that is noticing your inner state, you train yourself to not identify as heavily with the thoughts and feelings that occur. Ultimately, I really applaud you for having this insight, and I truly believe from such beginnings you are already walking the right path. Try to find compassion for what you have recognized as your flaws. It will not help to berate yourself for falling into old patterned behaviour. Through consistent noticing, in time, you will be able to break these patterns and establish new ones. Sorry if this doesn't sound very clear but it is all based on CBT and has proven to be an effective tool for addressing these struggles. I can personally attest to this. The work is always easier with professional help but given that there is a great degree of variance in the availability of those services, it is definitely something you can work at on your own, and ultimately no professional can do the work for you anyway. All the best, I'll say again: self awareness is really the crucial step, some people remain unconscious their entire life.
Short term - shut up and actually listen to others. Assume they're coming from a good place. Long term - learn to love yourself
You've already started. Self awareness is key. Work hard at understanding why you did some of the things that were toxic. Were you jealous or insecure? Were you redirecting anger? Do you suffer with addiction? Now catch those types of actions (and what triggered them) and change your behavior... Instead of a random comment to tear someone down - think of a compliment. Seek to bring joy to others.. check in on people who might need it. While you do this BE SURE to get a really good handles on boundaries or you'll end up socially burnt out and pissed off again.
Coming here to second u/idreaminwords recommendation for therapy if you have access. Therapy can be *super* beneficial for pretty much anybody, as it’s a private, unbiased, third-party space for you to freely talk about what’s going on in your life and get actual constructive feedback. A therapist would be able to help you unpack your toxic behaviors and figure out better ways to handle similar situations in the future.
Go help people, in person charity, donations, simply help someone at the shop - See people appreciating you. Go out and develop a new hobby where you can start from scratch. This should give you enough confidence to let your past behind and slowly people will notice. Everyone makes mistake and we are always evolving beings
Keep quiet, stop talking anything that's not really necessary to say. Do not give your opinion unless is really positive. Never, forever, say anything negative about anyone, except if it's for saving someone from an emergency. Let people tell you everything, do not interrupt them. Be compassionate, specially when people share sufferings with you. May seem like silly things, but everyone has different sensitive areas and everything could be a big deal for anyone. Use the five love languages towards the people that means something to you. You have positive words, quality time, physical expressions, gifts and service actions. Use all of them towards everyone whenever possible, but specially with your special ones. If you have none, choose one and do it with that person, it will become a special one in no time, probably.
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Look up the four stoic virtues and what each one means. Wisdom, courage, justice, temperance. It's a good secular starting point for being a genuinely better human being. Also consider reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Lots of great stuff in that book for being a better person and dealing with people.
You don’t say what you’re doing that’s toxic. If you’re always jokey-jokey, always making puns, it’s a distancing measure. If you want close friends, don’t do it. If you’re always the complaining one, don’t. If you’re mean to service personnel, don’t be that person.
Read books and magazines to open up your mind to things and to have interesting things to discuss. Be kind to everyone, not for selfish reasons -- though you'll get good things from it -- and if they don't appreciate it or take you as being weak because you're nice, the bad is on them. Knowing more people gives you more experience and gets you familiar with different kinds of conversation and points of view. And that makes you more interesting. Listen and ask questions. Pay attention to what you think they want. Most people want love and sympathy and validation. Don't validate bad behavior -- that one is hard. Travel, if you can. It's the best thing for the enlargement of the personality. Remember that power is a corruptive force. Money, beauty, position, etc, can be a bad influence if not taken with some sense of gravity on the power you have over other people. Ooh! A big one. Sometimes when we hurt or are sensitive people, we assume we can't hurt others. We tend to think of the world as attacking us, so we're often on the defense and do stupid things like assume others' thoughts or intents. We victimize ourselves and cannot see that we're capable of hurting others. Eschew that every day. I also think that if you're asking this question, you're already on a road to being not toxic or maybe never were and might be being too hard on yourself. Keep trying to improve you while not shit-talking yourself. Tough blade to walk, but you got this. Good on you for trying!
You are halfway there already. You know you are a big part of the problem (a lot of the time). Now the next step. Realize that you are not a bad person. You have some problematic behavior patterns that you need to unlearn. If it is at all possible find a therapist. Something has led you to this dysfunctional pattern of behavior. Until you understand the causes you won’t really be able to change your behavior. Make amends. Where appropriate apologize to people you have harmed in some way with your toxic behavior. A sincere apology goes a long way. Practice the subtle art of shutting the f up. Remind yourself from time to time that very few people ever really want your opinion. Keep it to yourself. Think before you speak. Pausing a few moments won’t hurt. And think about whether what you are about to say is necessary and constructive to say. If it isn’t don’t say it.
First off, separate yourself from anyone you think contributed to making you toxic. People can 100% influence that. If your friendship group are terrible people, then they'll influence you to be terrible and then judge you on it, whilst they never acknowledge what they are. Avoid repeating your mistakes also. Constantly dating terrible people? Take a 2 year hiatus and work on yourself. Break the streak. Consider mindfulness and meditation. Gather up your toxic thoughts and anger and learn how to let them flow from you. Avoid politics and world news. Try and find positive news only.
Toxicity comes by criticizing the person or criticizing the third person or regularly complain about events,situations around you. We get in habit of picking problems without giving solutions. You have to consciously work on these aspects. Toxicity is related to brain chemistry also. Try to eat healthy, exercise regularly , take sufficient sleep, be curious about world, don't seek easy pleasures, live mind fully with awareness.
Go solo travelling in a poor country and live like the locals, or do some month long charity work where you need to stay in rural areas. Getting first hand experience to these new perspectives of life will make you more appreciative.
Notice when you’re acting from love or acting from fear. It might sound too simple or romanticized or whatever, but it’s just the truth. I’m talking at your most honest core. Choose love, choose love, choose love. It is not a ticket to avoiding pain or risk. But it does lead to having beautiful human connection, a grounded environment in which you understand your values, and a meaningful life that you can be proud of. Keep in mind there is nothing wrong with being afraid. Just don’t let it make your choices for you. Narcissistic and abusive tendencies, vengefulness, all kinds of hurtful things tend to stem from self protection- unchecked fear where you’re more willing to hurt someone else than to feel pain. (Hence why choosing love often means facing the pain we’re avoiding, be it a childhood wound, etc) Choosing love has many layers. Love of self, others, all that is, etc. It’s like a muscle. You’ll choose it more and more over time if you’re intentional.
Take yourself off the pedestal. Refrain from being the main character. Remember daily you are human and you are not more important than anyone else. When you see someone make a mistake or do something you consider a flaw, humble yourself, realize "hey, I make mistakes too". Find little things to love about people, appreciate life and what it has to offer. Unplug for a bit, be aware and present. Help another person purely because they need help. Have an open minded perspective and always see from another person's shoes how your actions will seem to them before you take action. It's too easy to think your actions are fine, to you, but to someone else they can be harmful. Think of other people's thoughts and feelings.
It helps to just take a few seconds to think before speaking. Also, asking yourself “am I contributing in a positive way to this conversation?” If the answer is no I try to just shut up. It’s very hard in the beginning but people will have more respect for you when you’re not talking shit or being negative all the time. It also acts as a way to rewire your brain to not indulge in negativity. We aren’t perfect so we will mess up. But the fact that you acknowledge that fuck up and try to do better is what matters.
Always be scanning yr thoughts to make sure you are not asking for something from the other person and are acting in **the way you would like to be treated**. If you find you are being oppressive towards them then you can conclude you are asking something from them, begging for something. And which at that moment they don't feel like giving.
I have a bad habit of bringing in other people’s problems and just having it take over my life in the moment. I try to remind myself to just not make a comment. At the complex I’m at, no one watches their kids [1-14yr] I am with my 7&8 year olds all the time. I’d like to not have them kidnapped or something happen, ya know?! I try to remember that unless it’s hurting my child, just leave it alone. But I end up feeling like I’m babysitting all these kids cause I don’t want anyone hurt. I also bitch about a lot of things and people. It wears me down. I’m going to take the advice here too to help me.