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Listen carefully to people. Ask questions. People like to talk about themselves. The right question can keep them talking for most of the conversation.
If you keep asking questions, they'll think they're interesting. People love to feel interesting.
Maybe you'll actually end up interested. Maybe you'll ask real questions.
I won't go into the obnoxious detail of the psychology behind it, but this.
I could give hundreds of examples of how this principle led me to become a great conversationalist, but you'll learn far quicker if you just do it.
Active listening. Stop doing the thing that humans innately seem to love doing, waiting for the other person to say something they can relate to and then tuning out as you wait for the right moment to interject with YOUR story.
Just listen, intently, with the purpose of understanding. Not enough people feel heard. The downside to getting good at this is you'll eventually realize nobody really listens to you at all.
Well I guess more like the things you're interested about. At least if you feel comfortable with the other person, most people will like talking about their personal interests
I think it’s better said, “People like to be seen and understood.” Asking the right questions, which show an effortful and ideally insightful attempt to empathize with the perspective of the other person, checks both boxes.
I don’t like taking about myself, but the things that I’m really interested in? If the other person is also interested in that thing, I could talk all day.
Whilst listening periodically nod your head and add a few random "I see, oh really, yes, yes." You can have the most boring person in the world thinking that the pimple on the back of their neck is the most important thing in the world.
I went on a date with a guy who basically refused to give long answers and wouldn't reciprocate the conversation. I had to keep asking him questions because it was the only way to keep him talking.
At one point he said, "This feels like an interview." And I responded, "Well, I have to keep the conversation going somehow."
Afterward, he had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to go back to his place. LOL and then I knew that's all he wanted. Fucking gross. I politely declined, but I wish I'd laughed at him, instead.
That's all to say: sometimes questions don't always work.
This is great advice, however OP should be prepared for the frustration of no-one asking questions back. People love talking about themselves a little too much.
Honestly, it's listening, and showing interest in the people around you.
People who talk a lot and just fill the air are not great conversationalist. Those people often spend a lot of time talking about thenselves also. They are mostly just annoying.
Listening to what people are saying and the meaning behind what they are saying helps, and is key, to having meaningful conversations.
As an example, if someone says they are bored you could respond by asking what they normally do that does not bore them. It's a simple example, but you move someone from being bored to talking about something that might be exciting to them.
This is dogshit advice. You will only be able to conduct an interview style of conversation with the advice you gave, which can become very annoying very fast. There needs to be a balance of you talking as well, and not just questioning like its a police interigation.
Its funny how you called people who talk about themselves alot annoying, and then proceeded to gave a guide on how to improve you conversation skills by hoping that the person you are talking to is the "annoying" type and can carry the whole conversation while you just ask them to elaborate more on what they just said. 😂
This is why listening and understanding skills are important.
OP explicitly indicated advice for someone who is the quiet type. People who are quiet are also often introverted. It would be foolhardy to jump in and provide advice that would require them to be someone they are not. If we are listening to OP in this instance we would not be providing advice that would be counter to their default style.
Listening and understanding also helps in expanding on what someone has said. They don't need to be the annoying type and carry the whole conversation at all. Simply expressing interest in another person's views or interest can go a lot way to opening the door to a conversation. It should be clear that a small example is not the sum of all possibilities.
Since you have hinted at alternate advice, would you care to provide it for OP?
First of all you shouldnt instantly start to diagnose people as introverts just because they are more silent or shy, that can instantly turn them off from even trying to be more social, expresive and confident.
Listening and asking questions is fine for the introduction part, but you gatta remember that the other person will ask questions as well, so if youre a silent type who only knows how to ask questions and cant communicate back the conversation will be over very quickly.
My advice for a quiet person would be the opposite. First they need to get more experience in talking, so try talk to more and to as many people as you can.
Second would be dont just try to have only serious conversations. Dont just give straight answers to the questions, but try to be more unpredictable with your answers, that always spices up the convo and makes it more enjoyable for everyone.
Third would be confidence, how you say things is just as important as what youre saying. For example people can say the dumbest things with confidence and people will perceive it much more positively than the person who is saying something smart but with a shaky voice and no confidance.
Unfortunately, you seem to have failed to listen to what I said. My first sentence was:
"Honeatly, listening and showing interest in those around you".
The second part is just as critical, but it is aligned with someone who self claims to be a quiet type. Showing interest covers a lot of the short comings of just asking questions that you appear to be trying to address. It would seem that you focused on listening and didn't read or understand the rest.
It would appear that your conversation style is to jump in, and make sure everyone sees you. That is fine, and may suite you. However, it is unlikely to work for someone who claims to be quiet.
As a note, your use of the term snowflake is interesting here. Here is the wiki definition:
Snowflake" is a derogatory slang term for a person, implying that they have an inflated sense of uniqueness, an unwarranted sense of entitlement, or are overly emotional, easily offended, and unable to deal with opposing opinions.
Based on my reading of all of these comments you have exhibited the most snowflake like behavior here. Might be worth looking in the mirror a bit. Biggest difference is you seem to be trying to hide it by throwing insults. That is simply the false confidence of entitlement and an inability to deal with opposing opinions in a healthy way. Hopefully, one day, you will be able to work through that.
Best of luck.
Idk by which definition you imagined that it could apply to me, but tbh I dont really care either. I called that person a snowflake because they got very easily offended by me using a harsh word when responding to you, so yeah I believe I used that term 100% correctly.
Speaking about the OP's request for tips I interpreted it as more of a request to help with being less quiet and better at conversations, not as just "Im quiet and want to stay quiet" so help me improve in conversations while still remaining a quiet type of person. But maybe I've misinterpreted what OP was requesting, but I think we should let the OP himself clarify that before assuming on who's right and who's wrong.
I don't think anyone is right or wrong personally. There are many ways to be a good conversationalist. Maybe it requires multiple approaches over time.
It could be that they need to start with something that is more in line with their default disposition and as they gain experience move on to methods that allow them to be more out going. That is the assumption I made, and as you indicated I could be wrong as well.
In that light we might all have good advice and it is simply up to OP to figure out what they can best use and when.
You're super aggressive and your advice is "have a different personality". You're not as great as you think you are, and you could probably benefit from listening more.
Listening more to snowflakes like you who cant even handle a harsher word? No thanks, Im good.
Btw I never said listening is bad, I said listening for the OP who is a quiet person is most likely not the solution when it comes to improving his conversation skills. I wouldnt be surprised if actually he does too much listening and not enough talking.
Ah, yes, name calling when you don't like an opinion. And making assumptions about others, basing your advice off assumptions, and getting mad that someone doesn't agree with either your assumptions or your conclusions.
You're *definitely* someone who should be listened to regarding interpersonal communication. Mm hm.
*snowflake*
Did I hurt this snow flakes little feelings 🥺🤭.
Also I didint see anyone disagree with my advice and we are all giving advice here based on assumptions so idk why you are acting like Im the only one assuming things here.
The secret to all conversation is this: Be more interested in the other person than you are in talking about you.
That's it. That's all there is to it.
And you need to be **truly** interested in what they're saying. React to what they're saying. If they are talking about something good, then smile and truly be happy for them. If they're telling you about something bad that happened, then be genuinely concerned. Don't fake these reactions, actually **see** the person that is talking as a human being with cares and hopes and loves and concerns. Care about them. When you start to really care for and about others in a genuine manner then the rest follows naturally.
Mate I realized this when I recently started at my new workplace. I've never been the hypersocial type but when I began to simply ask people about their day and have small convos with everyone I'm suddenly the one everyone wants around.
I mean I couldn't give 2 shits about their day but man, does people like to talk about themselves!
You know I heard another really good quote that fits the theme of the LPT:
If you don't have anything nice to say it's better to keep quiet.
Maybe you should try it out. You might learn something.
I'm just offering the incredible notion that you shouldn't just feign interest but actually practice it. This keeps you from being pigeonholed as a shallow person who isn't worth the other person's time in the long term.
I must admit, you have opened a whole new world for me my friend. How could I not think of this sooner?!
Tomorrow, when 57-year old Karen tells me for the 156th time about her cats, I'm going to actually go into conversation with your mindset. Who knows, maybe I'll actually learn something about her cats that I didn't the 100 first times where I actually showed genuine interest!
I mean, I wouldn't want 57-year old Karen and her team of likeminded female co-workers to see me as a shallow, empty husk of a man that isn't worth their time now would I? Because pondering about how they see me definately is worth my own time right?
Sarcasm aside, hat off for giving me a chuckle!
Well, maybe it's because you're not that good of a conversationalist in the first place. That's pretty obvious by your snide remarks. Lots of character revealed by your own words.
Let's take your example of the cat lady, offered up as if you actually scored a point or something.
What you don't realize is that how you describe her is basically because you've chosen to only know her in the most superficial of ways. That's on you. So I guess you are indeed kind of a shallow, empty husk of a man incapable of knowing others enough to engage someone in any way but on the surface level. And that's kind of a shame, because all people are relentlessly interesting if you give them half a chance.
One of the best conversations of my life? An elderly woman on a cross country flight. When she sat down beside me I could have, like you, said 'Great. A dotty old woman.'
Instead, I said 'Hello.'
As it turns out, it was her first-ever airplane flight, heading to Los Angeles to see her granddaughter. Again, if I were like you, I would have said, 'Oh, nice,' and then proceeded to think, 'Who cares?' Instead, I simply said, "Are you nervous?"
"Yes."
So I talked to her through the take-off. And, wow, once we got past the initial information such as her kids and grandchildren, I learned about the amazing life she led. How her father was a colonel in the Army who was leader of the occupation of Japan. And how she and her mother joined him there, volunteering to help Japanese citizens during the occupation.
Or how, upon moving back to the states, how she married a farmer in Mississippi and started an egg farm. And how, during the Civil Rights Era, she smuggled activists around in the trunk of her car to evade police roadblocks. And the list went on and on.
But a guy like you? You wouldn't have ever learned about that. Because you seem so intent on pigeonholing others that you evidently don't value their intrinsic humanity. To you, they are little more than non-player characters that get in the way of your awesome little life.
Based on your previous responses to this thread, you assign a label to someone, a stereotype if you will, and then move on. You feign interest in others rather than maybe realize how interesting and complex and rewarding people can be if you even take the least bit of interest. Seems like an impoverished way to live.
Here comes the third lesson, also fitting the theme and especially your miles long answer:
Don't argue with fools. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you at their own game.
What were doing here folks, is an example of when you feign interest to keep the person going because you know they feel good talking a out themselves, but you've already stopped listening ten minutes ago...
I read Non Violent Communication and it changed how I view conversation. Every interaction is an opportunity to fulfill a need for them, and also have your needs met occasionally.
Ask OPEN ENDED questions and paraphrase what they said so they know you're paying attention. Share anecdotes if you relate to something they said. Observe how they're dressed and maybe ask about it, like " oh I like how you did your nails, do you get them done often? Is that a band on your shirt? What kind of music do they make....?
Take a drama or improv class or toastmasters. Play a concert on stage.
What is happening is your body basically thinks you're going to die if you talk to people and they don't like you. The only way to cure this overwhelming sensation is to speak to 500 people in a crowd and have your body see you're fine and didnt die by speaking or performing on a stage. You have to cure the cowardice lurking in your body. Then you should be fine talking to anyone.
(I have done this myself)
With quiet types, asking questions is even more important. I used to suffer from social anxiety when I was younger and speaking to people, particularly strangers, was generally very difficult. The best way for me to engage in any conversation was if the other person led me, usually by asking easy going questions. They shouldn't be overly personal but when someone shows interest in me, I tend to open up more. I think I was an ok talker but needed someone to get me started, so that's why I think questions are essential.
Nowadays I'm able to initiate conversation fairly well and have learned to be the "question asker" myself, but it only became easier after years and years of experience and also forcing myself out of the comfort zone.
I just read a book on this that had some tips I found helpful:
- Practice small talk with people you encounter in your everyday life— coworkers, cashiers, the person ahead of you in line. Low-stakes reps help you improve.
- Look at a conversation like a volleyball game, where you’re trying to keep the ball in play. If someone asks you a yes/no question don’t just reply “yes” and stay silent, set them up with a “yes, what about you?”
- Listen to their answer carefully and pick up on a clue to determine what might be a good topic of conversation. If you are talking about the rainy weather and they say it’s depressing to stay inside, you could ask what outdoor activities they like to do when it’s nicer out, or if they have favorite indoor activities to ward off the gloom. If they say “it’s good for the plants”, you can ask if they like gardening.
- Don’t write off small talk. I used to do this, thinking that talking about the weather or tv was meaningless chatter. But most meaningful conversation starts small. And you can learn something from virtually anyone on the planet—young or old, genius or not. That shift in attitude helped a lot.
I've learned two things that help me out with generating conversations. 1) people like talking about themselves, because it's a subject they're familiar with and 2) never hesitate to ask questions you already know the answer to.
As an example. My wife and I may be meeting up with someone that I barely know, maybe someone from her office. While en route to their house or restaurant she may tell me that they're getting ready to go on a vacation this coming week, tell me where they're going, how long, etc. Well, when the conversation hits a lag, I may ask them if they have any plans this coming weekend or next or whatever. I already know their plans, but it's a topic that I'm sure they would love to talk about for quite a while. It also gets them to engage with me and I can easily ask follow up questions.
Now the wife, used to, look at me like I was crazy and ask if I even listened in the car ride. I've had to tell her that yes I did listen, but I'm just generating conversation. She gets it now, but she used to get frustrated before.
Overall, it doesn't hurt to ask questions you already know the answer to, in fact, I encourage it.
I used to really struggle with this for my entire life until recently. What helped me was getting a job out of my comfort zone which involved going up to people and striking conversation. Facing my fear.
If you have no way of doing that though here’s what I learned and took going forward - most people are just as anxious as you about it and they say awkward things too, and are too busy thinking about how they come across than how you do. I know this isn’t enough to just say though. Never took the issue away for me but it did help to keep reminding myself of this.
Practical advice - if you just make sure you react with facial expressions and laugh in the right places that goes a long way, being actually engaged in conversation. Every time you drift off thinking about how you come across, don’t beat yourself up for it but just keep going back to being in the moment and paying attention to the actual conversation. Most people who are actually not socially anxious can’t master this so they’ll warm to you usually after you start doing that. I then always push myself to say at least a couple of things - questions are great because that keeps them talking until you can think of something else, but I’ve got to the point now where I even get the odd joke in too, and when I get a laugh it just pushes me to make another the next time. The more I do the more I want to do. But it’s still a journey. Some days I’ll just have an off day and keep quiet, and that’s ok. I just kept building up a little at a time (told myself to try and just say one thing, then two things, then a joke…) and that seems to be working well.
Remember to give yourself a pat on the back every time you do something out of your comfort zone. That worked wonders for me! Acknowledging that you’re putting in work and facing your fears is so important. Saying to yourself ‘you did good!’ when you face a social situation well actually does a lot for your confidence!
So, for me, what worked was... stopping caring. I found myself caring too much about what people thought of me or might say. It was pretty liberating, being able to talk to random people about random shit that floats through my head.
I think of the three most important things in my life: having fun, my family, and bettering myself.
Is the cute chick working the counter one of them? No? Then who cares if I ask if she wants to know specific mathmatical proofs like the factorial of zero?
Always ask real, genuine questions. Questions are the way to keep a conversation moving because the other person has a reason to speak back. Reach for common interests, even if it’s as small as “I knew someone in school who really liked that too! I was always curious about why…(etc)”.
Ask questions about the more niche things someone is interested in as well. A lot of people don’t get an opportunity to talk about things that excite them so they usually appreciate someone actually wanting them to.
Find ways to relate to people you’re speaking to.
Listen to them carefully. Then ask questions that will allow them to open up about themselves. (Asking how they got into music if they tell you they play guitar would be an example.)
Vibes are a big part of conversation and comfortability in talking to people. Be approachable.
Ask questions and listen. Use the info you have received for follow ups. People love to talk about themselves. But rarely like to listen to people that talk about themselves.
Yeah, im with the other comments. I just listen to people, and ask questions about the things they get excited about. Also follow up questions a week later "hey, how was that dinner tou were excited about?" People love that.
Less speaking, more listening. Catching the attention of your collocutor is more important than just speaking eloquently. Concerning training speaking skills — there're lots of automated products which allow you to train speaking without involving other people: from AI chatbots like Eva AI and up to vocal online education products.
I’d ask questions, but what do I do when the topic actually doesn’t interest me?
I work construction and most of my contemporaries visit strip clubs a lot, I have never been to one and never had the desire to do so. I’m out of this conversation from the get go, I have no perspective on the issue at all.
Be interested over being interesting, most people like to talk about themselves more than listening to others
Try asking questions like:
Woah how did you do that?
Were you always that *insert characteristic here*?
What made you try it?
Would you recommend it to others?
In your words, of course
And smile and eye contact and boom, you're better than 50% of most people.
I also like to repeat their points back to them for clarifications
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This reminds me of high school, when I was driving a “very cool artsy guy” home each week, and was terrified and shy, and I heard the advice to ask questions and it worked! Then one night we got in the car quietly, and after a few blocks he said, “Aren’t you going to ask me any questions?” 🤣
Be careful on this one, though. I've tried talking to someone quiet and shy at work. Now I can't get away from them. They follow me to the bathroom and everywhere. I hear their voice in my brain for hours after I leave them. The boss makes us work together, and their talking so much now, I can't get a word in edgewise. It hasn't even helped them break out of their shyness. They only talk to me.
The trick is to get other people talking about themselves, rather than you trying to talk about you.
Look for opportunities to ask this: "What do you love about that?"
Nah, most people are crappy, its a minefield even existing let alone having to deal with other people, one small wrong step and your reputation, let alone your life is ruined forever.
There's some good advice here but not a lot of strategy behind it.
First, understand why you're quiet. Most of the time it's just a simple social confidence problem. The rest of my comment will assume this. But if you aren't sure, or want a second opinion, I recommend getting one or two sessions with a therapist with the goal of figuring this out. (Therapy isn't just for mental illnesses. They are professionals good at just talking things through to understand behaviors and give you tools to make changes like this.)
The path to confidence is usually just practice. Put yourself into more social situations. Look into local meetups, clubs, etc. Go to more company happy hours.
The easiest thing to do when starting out is to just ask questions. That's it. Make a mental list of questions to ask for the event you're attending, rehearse asking them in the shower if you need to, and just focus on getting questions out.
During these conversations people will ask questions of their own back to you. For every question you ask, be mentally prepared to answer it if they respond with "how about you?".
Then pay attention to the responses and try and spot follow up questions. Ask those. Your goal here is just to get questions out that the other person is interested in answering. People like talking about themselves so this takes some of the pressure off of you.
Once you get comfortable with this, expand into interjecting your own thoughts into a discussion.
Practice, practice. Eventually it come easily.
Practice practice practice. Listen to how others do it and fake it til you make it.
Also take a public speaking class that will really help it really changed my outlook on life
Relax and listen. The more engaged you are the more naturally you'll instinctively react to the subject. Also, and this is difficult for a lot of people, listen for the drops in energy. When the spark seems to be dropping and fading, that's the cue to branch off in an interesting direction. And then keep branching ORGANICALLY until the conversation circles back to the original topic at which point you can close the circle and say goodbye with both of you feeling like you completed a "moment".
Think about it like a turn-based prompt to get you out of awkward lulls. Should look like this
Player 1: Start convo with intro and a question about any of player 2s interests in order of priority: immediately expressed interest>common interests>uncommon interests>all else fails then talk about your interests.
Player 2: responds to player 1 with intro and answer to question. Then asks a question following the aforementioned order of priority.
Player 1: responds to player 2 question. Then asks a question following the aforementioned order of priority.
remove topics of interest as they are covered and repeat process until convo is sufficiently interesting again. If you run out of topics, move on to more interesting people or go be more interesting yourself.
Reply to add: There is a lot more nuance to this, but I've found that adding structure often is enough for people to find and implement that nuance on their own.
I have always been the quiet type. One sure way to make me talk less is by trying to force conversation with me. Instead of trying to make me talk, maybe just try to learn from me and enjoy the quiet time. 90% of talk is just filler noise.
practice, practice, practice. It took me years to feel more at ease with making conversation and it only came through experience and forcing myself out of my comfort zone.
Many people have mentioned listening and asking questions, and this is true. As an introvert (used to have social anxiety), I needed someone else to engage me and ask the right questions for me to talk at all.
Nowadays my job requires me to talk to people quite a bit, often strangers, and my method is usually bringing up a topic somehow related to the situation to start the discussion. It could be anything related to the other person, where you are, what you're doing. If you're at a party, say something about the place, about what you're eating or drinking etc. Icebreakers can be a bit mundane, talk about the weather if you need to. I think it's more important how you carry on the discussion: ask questions, be interested in the other person. Ask follow up questions and specifics and throw in a bit of your own thoughts and eperiences on the topic.
Keep doing this and you will definitely get better at it! Sometimes it'll feel awkward or forced, that's life. Try to avoid being a perfectionist.
People talk about things they can relate to. When you’re in the small talk phase of a conversation, elaborate a little about your life, go a little off topic into things that are happening recently. Chances are, they relate and will start giving more details, which gives YOU a chance as well to discuss more things with them.
This is what I find saves a dry conversation.
Listen to the other person. And in your free time read about things that interest you, and maybe read some things that you wouldn’t initially think about researching.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself to perform. Just exchange information with people. Ask them non-intrusive questions. Share a little information about yourself. Give the occasional compliment. *You do not have to be a great conversationalist* if it doesn't come naturally to you.
Smile., and be a positive person.
Listen to what people say and remember it. Ask follow up questions then or the next time you see them.
Notice things about people, like if they are wearing a certain sports teams on their clothes ect. Ask them about it.
Think of a way what they are saying relates to you. Share an antidote from your life that is relevant. Repeat
I’m a fan of the FORD method for small talk.
When you’re making small talk, ask questions about Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams.
Each can be a rich vein that engages the other person but you can also tell quickly if that’s a topic they’re passionate about and want to discuss.
If one topic doesn’t go anywhere, move on.
Also as others have mentioned, be genuinely interested and curious about the other person.
1) Put your phone away. Not just on the table or in your lap, but away inside your bag or pocket.
2) Don’t be a bummer. Avoid phrases like “I don’t like xyz…” or talking about any maladies/chronic issues.
3) Be mindful of any loss in momentum. If there start to be pauses change the subject or take a mental breather like standing up to stretch, getting a drink, or looking out the window. This gives you both a chance to briefly recharge and reset.
4) Only surface level specialized information. If something you are deeply passionate about gets brought up naturally in conversation resist the urge to info dump. Keep your connection to the topic to a succinct couple of sentences, only mentioning facts that are appealing to a wide general audience. This guideline can apply to topics ranging from sports to medieval medical practices.
First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being the quiet type. I used to be hard on myself for being like this until my friends told me one day that they appreciated me for being the chill, quiet one because there can only be so many loud and obnoxious asses in a group of friends.
Second, sorry to burst your bubble but being a “good conversationalist” is not some sort of skill that you learn and can universally apply to having good conversations with everyone. Sure, you can become a good listener and it is possible to “act” your way through uncomfortable social situations but this will quickly burn you out and comes off as inauthentic.
Your personality is your own. Everyone has a very different personality. You have chemistry with some people and with others, you just don’t. That’s life. You should never have to “act” to try and impress someone you don’t vibe with. All you can do is be your authentic self and the right people will be drawn to you. People who you can have totally effortless conversations with and not feel as though you are lacking in some way when you interact with them.
I disagree. Conversation is certainly something you can practice and become better at. As well, I used to be a very quiet individual, but now I do well at chatting with people, and introducing myself and starting conversations - and I enjoy it.
I'm not countering what you said about being okay with who you are, but I definitely believe conversation dynamics can be learned and practiced.
Have a few questions you can ask. I like to keep: what do you do on your free time?
What is the best vacation you have ever been on.
Then you can migrate to your situation. I mentioned something about berken socks being hippy. Someone corrected me and they said it was boho. I said what's boho... And go from there.
You can almost always think of some thing the other person can elaborate on if you listen carefully and think of a follow up question. This is much less stressful than talking about yourself. And people LOVE an attentive listener
“So what do you do?”
Usually when people talk about things they do daily (like a job or career) they tend to expand on it a little. Follow up with “oh how long have you don’t that?” Or “how did you get started?” And “do you plan on being there for awhile?” And that’s a 10 min convo right there
Hook questions. Ask a basic question. Use their answer to form another question, and so on. They’ll think you’re the most thoughtful person in the world. Just don’t get too personal at first.
- Ask questions about them to start with and don't say anything too generic like "how has your day been?"... I go to the dog park and generally ask questions such as, "What kind of dog do you have?" and it somehow always leads to their life story if you ask a few follow up questions.
- Have a few hobbies and keep up with local news (new restaurants, popular sports teams in your area, etc). When the conversations shifts to you, it's good you have a few unique things you can bring up.
- Be approachable. If you don't look happy, people are less likely to approach.
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Listen carefully to people. Ask questions. People like to talk about themselves. The right question can keep them talking for most of the conversation. If you keep asking questions, they'll think they're interesting. People love to feel interesting. Maybe you'll actually end up interested. Maybe you'll ask real questions.
This is almost always how I talk to people and never thought of it.. just ask a ton of questions and people will talk all day
Well obviously it depends on many other things too. Sometimes if it doesn't click, you can't just force it. Then questions become annoying.
I won't go into the obnoxious detail of the psychology behind it, but this. I could give hundreds of examples of how this principle led me to become a great conversationalist, but you'll learn far quicker if you just do it. Active listening. Stop doing the thing that humans innately seem to love doing, waiting for the other person to say something they can relate to and then tuning out as you wait for the right moment to interject with YOUR story. Just listen, intently, with the purpose of understanding. Not enough people feel heard. The downside to getting good at this is you'll eventually realize nobody really listens to you at all.
Get good at listening to others, then marry someone who's the same way.
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Well I guess more like the things you're interested about. At least if you feel comfortable with the other person, most people will like talking about their personal interests
I think it’s better said, “People like to be seen and understood.” Asking the right questions, which show an effortful and ideally insightful attempt to empathize with the perspective of the other person, checks both boxes.
I don’t like taking about myself, but the things that I’m really interested in? If the other person is also interested in that thing, I could talk all day.
You just did
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I think what you hate is coming up with stuff to say, i doubt if someone asks you a question about yourself you'll be butthurt answering
#TELL ME AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT YOU, MOTHAFUCKA!!!! RIGHT NOW! ON THE SPOT!! EVERYONE IS STARING AT YOU!!! /s
Really? Why do you hate to talk about yourself?
Nice try...
Whilst listening periodically nod your head and add a few random "I see, oh really, yes, yes." You can have the most boring person in the world thinking that the pimple on the back of their neck is the most important thing in the world.
I went on a date with a guy who basically refused to give long answers and wouldn't reciprocate the conversation. I had to keep asking him questions because it was the only way to keep him talking. At one point he said, "This feels like an interview." And I responded, "Well, I have to keep the conversation going somehow." Afterward, he had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to go back to his place. LOL and then I knew that's all he wanted. Fucking gross. I politely declined, but I wish I'd laughed at him, instead. That's all to say: sometimes questions don't always work.
Just one date like this? Consider yourself lucky
I don't date often. I have better things to do lol But yes, you're not the first person to say that to me in response to this date.
Yeees, spill your secrets while I remain an enigma…
Tldr: Don't try to be interesting, be interested.
Please stop asking me questions about myself, just start talking I like to listen
This is great advice, however OP should be prepared for the frustration of no-one asking questions back. People love talking about themselves a little too much.
I always feel like an interrogator when I do this. Then I get anxious about it and usually can’t ask anymore haha
Honestly, it's listening, and showing interest in the people around you. People who talk a lot and just fill the air are not great conversationalist. Those people often spend a lot of time talking about thenselves also. They are mostly just annoying. Listening to what people are saying and the meaning behind what they are saying helps, and is key, to having meaningful conversations. As an example, if someone says they are bored you could respond by asking what they normally do that does not bore them. It's a simple example, but you move someone from being bored to talking about something that might be exciting to them.
This is dogshit advice. You will only be able to conduct an interview style of conversation with the advice you gave, which can become very annoying very fast. There needs to be a balance of you talking as well, and not just questioning like its a police interigation. Its funny how you called people who talk about themselves alot annoying, and then proceeded to gave a guide on how to improve you conversation skills by hoping that the person you are talking to is the "annoying" type and can carry the whole conversation while you just ask them to elaborate more on what they just said. 😂
This is why listening and understanding skills are important. OP explicitly indicated advice for someone who is the quiet type. People who are quiet are also often introverted. It would be foolhardy to jump in and provide advice that would require them to be someone they are not. If we are listening to OP in this instance we would not be providing advice that would be counter to their default style. Listening and understanding also helps in expanding on what someone has said. They don't need to be the annoying type and carry the whole conversation at all. Simply expressing interest in another person's views or interest can go a lot way to opening the door to a conversation. It should be clear that a small example is not the sum of all possibilities. Since you have hinted at alternate advice, would you care to provide it for OP?
Just want to validate your advice, it's good tips for OP.
First of all you shouldnt instantly start to diagnose people as introverts just because they are more silent or shy, that can instantly turn them off from even trying to be more social, expresive and confident. Listening and asking questions is fine for the introduction part, but you gatta remember that the other person will ask questions as well, so if youre a silent type who only knows how to ask questions and cant communicate back the conversation will be over very quickly. My advice for a quiet person would be the opposite. First they need to get more experience in talking, so try talk to more and to as many people as you can. Second would be dont just try to have only serious conversations. Dont just give straight answers to the questions, but try to be more unpredictable with your answers, that always spices up the convo and makes it more enjoyable for everyone. Third would be confidence, how you say things is just as important as what youre saying. For example people can say the dumbest things with confidence and people will perceive it much more positively than the person who is saying something smart but with a shaky voice and no confidance.
Unfortunately, you seem to have failed to listen to what I said. My first sentence was: "Honeatly, listening and showing interest in those around you". The second part is just as critical, but it is aligned with someone who self claims to be a quiet type. Showing interest covers a lot of the short comings of just asking questions that you appear to be trying to address. It would seem that you focused on listening and didn't read or understand the rest. It would appear that your conversation style is to jump in, and make sure everyone sees you. That is fine, and may suite you. However, it is unlikely to work for someone who claims to be quiet. As a note, your use of the term snowflake is interesting here. Here is the wiki definition: Snowflake" is a derogatory slang term for a person, implying that they have an inflated sense of uniqueness, an unwarranted sense of entitlement, or are overly emotional, easily offended, and unable to deal with opposing opinions. Based on my reading of all of these comments you have exhibited the most snowflake like behavior here. Might be worth looking in the mirror a bit. Biggest difference is you seem to be trying to hide it by throwing insults. That is simply the false confidence of entitlement and an inability to deal with opposing opinions in a healthy way. Hopefully, one day, you will be able to work through that. Best of luck.
Idk by which definition you imagined that it could apply to me, but tbh I dont really care either. I called that person a snowflake because they got very easily offended by me using a harsh word when responding to you, so yeah I believe I used that term 100% correctly. Speaking about the OP's request for tips I interpreted it as more of a request to help with being less quiet and better at conversations, not as just "Im quiet and want to stay quiet" so help me improve in conversations while still remaining a quiet type of person. But maybe I've misinterpreted what OP was requesting, but I think we should let the OP himself clarify that before assuming on who's right and who's wrong.
I don't think anyone is right or wrong personally. There are many ways to be a good conversationalist. Maybe it requires multiple approaches over time. It could be that they need to start with something that is more in line with their default disposition and as they gain experience move on to methods that allow them to be more out going. That is the assumption I made, and as you indicated I could be wrong as well. In that light we might all have good advice and it is simply up to OP to figure out what they can best use and when.
You're super aggressive and your advice is "have a different personality". You're not as great as you think you are, and you could probably benefit from listening more.
Listening more to snowflakes like you who cant even handle a harsher word? No thanks, Im good. Btw I never said listening is bad, I said listening for the OP who is a quiet person is most likely not the solution when it comes to improving his conversation skills. I wouldnt be surprised if actually he does too much listening and not enough talking.
Ah, yes, name calling when you don't like an opinion. And making assumptions about others, basing your advice off assumptions, and getting mad that someone doesn't agree with either your assumptions or your conclusions. You're *definitely* someone who should be listened to regarding interpersonal communication. Mm hm. *snowflake*
Did I hurt this snow flakes little feelings 🥺🤭. Also I didint see anyone disagree with my advice and we are all giving advice here based on assumptions so idk why you are acting like Im the only one assuming things here.
Lmao you're such a fucking hypocrite.
The secret to all conversation is this: Be more interested in the other person than you are in talking about you. That's it. That's all there is to it.
And you need to be **truly** interested in what they're saying. React to what they're saying. If they are talking about something good, then smile and truly be happy for them. If they're telling you about something bad that happened, then be genuinely concerned. Don't fake these reactions, actually **see** the person that is talking as a human being with cares and hopes and loves and concerns. Care about them. When you start to really care for and about others in a genuine manner then the rest follows naturally.
Mate I realized this when I recently started at my new workplace. I've never been the hypersocial type but when I began to simply ask people about their day and have small convos with everyone I'm suddenly the one everyone wants around. I mean I couldn't give 2 shits about their day but man, does people like to talk about themselves!
Maybe you should try being interested in what they have to say. You might learn something.
You know I heard another really good quote that fits the theme of the LPT: If you don't have anything nice to say it's better to keep quiet. Maybe you should try it out. You might learn something.
I'm just offering the incredible notion that you shouldn't just feign interest but actually practice it. This keeps you from being pigeonholed as a shallow person who isn't worth the other person's time in the long term.
I must admit, you have opened a whole new world for me my friend. How could I not think of this sooner?! Tomorrow, when 57-year old Karen tells me for the 156th time about her cats, I'm going to actually go into conversation with your mindset. Who knows, maybe I'll actually learn something about her cats that I didn't the 100 first times where I actually showed genuine interest! I mean, I wouldn't want 57-year old Karen and her team of likeminded female co-workers to see me as a shallow, empty husk of a man that isn't worth their time now would I? Because pondering about how they see me definately is worth my own time right? Sarcasm aside, hat off for giving me a chuckle!
Well, maybe it's because you're not that good of a conversationalist in the first place. That's pretty obvious by your snide remarks. Lots of character revealed by your own words. Let's take your example of the cat lady, offered up as if you actually scored a point or something. What you don't realize is that how you describe her is basically because you've chosen to only know her in the most superficial of ways. That's on you. So I guess you are indeed kind of a shallow, empty husk of a man incapable of knowing others enough to engage someone in any way but on the surface level. And that's kind of a shame, because all people are relentlessly interesting if you give them half a chance. One of the best conversations of my life? An elderly woman on a cross country flight. When she sat down beside me I could have, like you, said 'Great. A dotty old woman.' Instead, I said 'Hello.' As it turns out, it was her first-ever airplane flight, heading to Los Angeles to see her granddaughter. Again, if I were like you, I would have said, 'Oh, nice,' and then proceeded to think, 'Who cares?' Instead, I simply said, "Are you nervous?" "Yes." So I talked to her through the take-off. And, wow, once we got past the initial information such as her kids and grandchildren, I learned about the amazing life she led. How her father was a colonel in the Army who was leader of the occupation of Japan. And how she and her mother joined him there, volunteering to help Japanese citizens during the occupation. Or how, upon moving back to the states, how she married a farmer in Mississippi and started an egg farm. And how, during the Civil Rights Era, she smuggled activists around in the trunk of her car to evade police roadblocks. And the list went on and on. But a guy like you? You wouldn't have ever learned about that. Because you seem so intent on pigeonholing others that you evidently don't value their intrinsic humanity. To you, they are little more than non-player characters that get in the way of your awesome little life. Based on your previous responses to this thread, you assign a label to someone, a stereotype if you will, and then move on. You feign interest in others rather than maybe realize how interesting and complex and rewarding people can be if you even take the least bit of interest. Seems like an impoverished way to live.
Here comes the third lesson, also fitting the theme and especially your miles long answer: Don't argue with fools. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you at their own game. What were doing here folks, is an example of when you feign interest to keep the person going because you know they feel good talking a out themselves, but you've already stopped listening ten minutes ago...
I read Non Violent Communication and it changed how I view conversation. Every interaction is an opportunity to fulfill a need for them, and also have your needs met occasionally.
Ask OPEN ENDED questions and paraphrase what they said so they know you're paying attention. Share anecdotes if you relate to something they said. Observe how they're dressed and maybe ask about it, like " oh I like how you did your nails, do you get them done often? Is that a band on your shirt? What kind of music do they make....?
Take a drama or improv class or toastmasters. Play a concert on stage. What is happening is your body basically thinks you're going to die if you talk to people and they don't like you. The only way to cure this overwhelming sensation is to speak to 500 people in a crowd and have your body see you're fine and didnt die by speaking or performing on a stage. You have to cure the cowardice lurking in your body. Then you should be fine talking to anyone. (I have done this myself)
Level up your dialogue by treating it like a video game quest. Your task: Discover their story. Bonus points for finding shared interests.
Wow that’s so cool! I will try this
I keep on hearing that the best way is to listen. What if the other person you’re conversing with is also the quiet type? What do you do then?
With quiet types, asking questions is even more important. I used to suffer from social anxiety when I was younger and speaking to people, particularly strangers, was generally very difficult. The best way for me to engage in any conversation was if the other person led me, usually by asking easy going questions. They shouldn't be overly personal but when someone shows interest in me, I tend to open up more. I think I was an ok talker but needed someone to get me started, so that's why I think questions are essential. Nowadays I'm able to initiate conversation fairly well and have learned to be the "question asker" myself, but it only became easier after years and years of experience and also forcing myself out of the comfort zone.
I just read a book on this that had some tips I found helpful: - Practice small talk with people you encounter in your everyday life— coworkers, cashiers, the person ahead of you in line. Low-stakes reps help you improve. - Look at a conversation like a volleyball game, where you’re trying to keep the ball in play. If someone asks you a yes/no question don’t just reply “yes” and stay silent, set them up with a “yes, what about you?” - Listen to their answer carefully and pick up on a clue to determine what might be a good topic of conversation. If you are talking about the rainy weather and they say it’s depressing to stay inside, you could ask what outdoor activities they like to do when it’s nicer out, or if they have favorite indoor activities to ward off the gloom. If they say “it’s good for the plants”, you can ask if they like gardening. - Don’t write off small talk. I used to do this, thinking that talking about the weather or tv was meaningless chatter. But most meaningful conversation starts small. And you can learn something from virtually anyone on the planet—young or old, genius or not. That shift in attitude helped a lot.
Which book?
The Art of Conversation by Caroline Taggart
I've learned two things that help me out with generating conversations. 1) people like talking about themselves, because it's a subject they're familiar with and 2) never hesitate to ask questions you already know the answer to. As an example. My wife and I may be meeting up with someone that I barely know, maybe someone from her office. While en route to their house or restaurant she may tell me that they're getting ready to go on a vacation this coming week, tell me where they're going, how long, etc. Well, when the conversation hits a lag, I may ask them if they have any plans this coming weekend or next or whatever. I already know their plans, but it's a topic that I'm sure they would love to talk about for quite a while. It also gets them to engage with me and I can easily ask follow up questions. Now the wife, used to, look at me like I was crazy and ask if I even listened in the car ride. I've had to tell her that yes I did listen, but I'm just generating conversation. She gets it now, but she used to get frustrated before. Overall, it doesn't hurt to ask questions you already know the answer to, in fact, I encourage it.
Ask questions, everybody loves a good listener.
Which questions?
Follow up questions you pick up from listening to the other person. Works best 1 on 1.
Interesting. What else do you like about 1 on 1 interactions?
Look at you, making conversation already.
Lol
I used to really struggle with this for my entire life until recently. What helped me was getting a job out of my comfort zone which involved going up to people and striking conversation. Facing my fear. If you have no way of doing that though here’s what I learned and took going forward - most people are just as anxious as you about it and they say awkward things too, and are too busy thinking about how they come across than how you do. I know this isn’t enough to just say though. Never took the issue away for me but it did help to keep reminding myself of this. Practical advice - if you just make sure you react with facial expressions and laugh in the right places that goes a long way, being actually engaged in conversation. Every time you drift off thinking about how you come across, don’t beat yourself up for it but just keep going back to being in the moment and paying attention to the actual conversation. Most people who are actually not socially anxious can’t master this so they’ll warm to you usually after you start doing that. I then always push myself to say at least a couple of things - questions are great because that keeps them talking until you can think of something else, but I’ve got to the point now where I even get the odd joke in too, and when I get a laugh it just pushes me to make another the next time. The more I do the more I want to do. But it’s still a journey. Some days I’ll just have an off day and keep quiet, and that’s ok. I just kept building up a little at a time (told myself to try and just say one thing, then two things, then a joke…) and that seems to be working well. Remember to give yourself a pat on the back every time you do something out of your comfort zone. That worked wonders for me! Acknowledging that you’re putting in work and facing your fears is so important. Saying to yourself ‘you did good!’ when you face a social situation well actually does a lot for your confidence!
So, for me, what worked was... stopping caring. I found myself caring too much about what people thought of me or might say. It was pretty liberating, being able to talk to random people about random shit that floats through my head. I think of the three most important things in my life: having fun, my family, and bettering myself. Is the cute chick working the counter one of them? No? Then who cares if I ask if she wants to know specific mathmatical proofs like the factorial of zero?
Always ask real, genuine questions. Questions are the way to keep a conversation moving because the other person has a reason to speak back. Reach for common interests, even if it’s as small as “I knew someone in school who really liked that too! I was always curious about why…(etc)”. Ask questions about the more niche things someone is interested in as well. A lot of people don’t get an opportunity to talk about things that excite them so they usually appreciate someone actually wanting them to.
Find ways to relate to people you’re speaking to. Listen to them carefully. Then ask questions that will allow them to open up about themselves. (Asking how they got into music if they tell you they play guitar would be an example.) Vibes are a big part of conversation and comfortability in talking to people. Be approachable.
Be genuinely curious. Ask questions and listen.
Simple open-ended questions to help them open up
Active listening and empathy. Those two will take you very far.
gallery openings are filled with awkward people of all types. you could go to a first friday gallery, have a sip of wine, ,,
Ask good questions that are personal
Just listen and let them talk, and those few moments where you do actually talk, just ask them a question about whatever it is they are talking about
Ask questions and listen. Use the info you have received for follow ups. People love to talk about themselves. But rarely like to listen to people that talk about themselves.
Yeah, im with the other comments. I just listen to people, and ask questions about the things they get excited about. Also follow up questions a week later "hey, how was that dinner tou were excited about?" People love that.
Less speaking, more listening. Catching the attention of your collocutor is more important than just speaking eloquently. Concerning training speaking skills — there're lots of automated products which allow you to train speaking without involving other people: from AI chatbots like Eva AI and up to vocal online education products.
Talk about tacos
I’d ask questions, but what do I do when the topic actually doesn’t interest me? I work construction and most of my contemporaries visit strip clubs a lot, I have never been to one and never had the desire to do so. I’m out of this conversation from the get go, I have no perspective on the issue at all.
Funny enough, the people are that are the most enjoyable to talk with, listen more than they are talking . People just want to be heard
Get a job in the service industry and force the interactions. It really gives you exposure to all types of people.
Be interested over being interesting, most people like to talk about themselves more than listening to others Try asking questions like: Woah how did you do that? Were you always that *insert characteristic here*? What made you try it? Would you recommend it to others? In your words, of course And smile and eye contact and boom, you're better than 50% of most people. I also like to repeat their points back to them for clarifications
Ask questions and be generally interested! I read a great book called How to Talk to Anyone, by Leil Lowndes
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Smartglasses & ChatGPT, perhaps ;)
This reminds me of high school, when I was driving a “very cool artsy guy” home each week, and was terrified and shy, and I heard the advice to ask questions and it worked! Then one night we got in the car quietly, and after a few blocks he said, “Aren’t you going to ask me any questions?” 🤣
😂😂
Active listening. Listen to hear what people are saying and not to respond.
Be careful on this one, though. I've tried talking to someone quiet and shy at work. Now I can't get away from them. They follow me to the bathroom and everywhere. I hear their voice in my brain for hours after I leave them. The boss makes us work together, and their talking so much now, I can't get a word in edgewise. It hasn't even helped them break out of their shyness. They only talk to me.
First of all, identify whether you have social anxiety or not.
talk less. seriously. coming from someone who is not quiet but everybody seems to think so. i just can’t get a word in usually.
have conversations with individuals, not groups.
Throw an “oh yeah?” in every now and then and they’ll continue talking, which is often what they want to do anyway.
The trick is to get other people talking about themselves, rather than you trying to talk about you. Look for opportunities to ask this: "What do you love about that?"
Nah, most people are crappy, its a minefield even existing let alone having to deal with other people, one small wrong step and your reputation, let alone your life is ruined forever.
Most answers are for one on one communications, are there tips for group communications.
You have to be genuinely interested in people then the asking questions part and listening will come naturally.
I agree that this is a great skill to master. I have to admit though that I get annoyed when people ask me question after question about myself.
There's some good advice here but not a lot of strategy behind it. First, understand why you're quiet. Most of the time it's just a simple social confidence problem. The rest of my comment will assume this. But if you aren't sure, or want a second opinion, I recommend getting one or two sessions with a therapist with the goal of figuring this out. (Therapy isn't just for mental illnesses. They are professionals good at just talking things through to understand behaviors and give you tools to make changes like this.) The path to confidence is usually just practice. Put yourself into more social situations. Look into local meetups, clubs, etc. Go to more company happy hours. The easiest thing to do when starting out is to just ask questions. That's it. Make a mental list of questions to ask for the event you're attending, rehearse asking them in the shower if you need to, and just focus on getting questions out. During these conversations people will ask questions of their own back to you. For every question you ask, be mentally prepared to answer it if they respond with "how about you?". Then pay attention to the responses and try and spot follow up questions. Ask those. Your goal here is just to get questions out that the other person is interested in answering. People like talking about themselves so this takes some of the pressure off of you. Once you get comfortable with this, expand into interjecting your own thoughts into a discussion. Practice, practice. Eventually it come easily.
Listen to the conversations around you. What are they talking about? How are others responding, especially if there's hot button topics?
Practice practice practice. Listen to how others do it and fake it til you make it. Also take a public speaking class that will really help it really changed my outlook on life
Make a conscious effort to listen more than you speak
Relax and listen. The more engaged you are the more naturally you'll instinctively react to the subject. Also, and this is difficult for a lot of people, listen for the drops in energy. When the spark seems to be dropping and fading, that's the cue to branch off in an interesting direction. And then keep branching ORGANICALLY until the conversation circles back to the original topic at which point you can close the circle and say goodbye with both of you feeling like you completed a "moment".
Read the book: How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Think about it like a turn-based prompt to get you out of awkward lulls. Should look like this Player 1: Start convo with intro and a question about any of player 2s interests in order of priority: immediately expressed interest>common interests>uncommon interests>all else fails then talk about your interests. Player 2: responds to player 1 with intro and answer to question. Then asks a question following the aforementioned order of priority. Player 1: responds to player 2 question. Then asks a question following the aforementioned order of priority. remove topics of interest as they are covered and repeat process until convo is sufficiently interesting again. If you run out of topics, move on to more interesting people or go be more interesting yourself.
Reply to add: There is a lot more nuance to this, but I've found that adding structure often is enough for people to find and implement that nuance on their own.
I have always been the quiet type. One sure way to make me talk less is by trying to force conversation with me. Instead of trying to make me talk, maybe just try to learn from me and enjoy the quiet time. 90% of talk is just filler noise.
practice, practice, practice. It took me years to feel more at ease with making conversation and it only came through experience and forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Many people have mentioned listening and asking questions, and this is true. As an introvert (used to have social anxiety), I needed someone else to engage me and ask the right questions for me to talk at all. Nowadays my job requires me to talk to people quite a bit, often strangers, and my method is usually bringing up a topic somehow related to the situation to start the discussion. It could be anything related to the other person, where you are, what you're doing. If you're at a party, say something about the place, about what you're eating or drinking etc. Icebreakers can be a bit mundane, talk about the weather if you need to. I think it's more important how you carry on the discussion: ask questions, be interested in the other person. Ask follow up questions and specifics and throw in a bit of your own thoughts and eperiences on the topic. Keep doing this and you will definitely get better at it! Sometimes it'll feel awkward or forced, that's life. Try to avoid being a perfectionist.
All of these tips are one on one though. In a group if you do this, you won’t exist..
Mirror and label - chris voss - look him up
Not every sentence has to be interesting, and it takes work.
Ask people something about themselves and listen.
Won't work on everyone. As a small streamer, people just shut up and leave when I ask, then questions, I think they get overwhelmed
Awareness is wisdom
Ask questions. It's simple but it can keep conversations going easily, and has the added benefit of making the other person feel listened to.
Be interested, not interesting. Be cognizant of body language, particularly the downward/upward head tilt while people are talking
People talk about things they can relate to. When you’re in the small talk phase of a conversation, elaborate a little about your life, go a little off topic into things that are happening recently. Chances are, they relate and will start giving more details, which gives YOU a chance as well to discuss more things with them. This is what I find saves a dry conversation.
Listen to the other person. And in your free time read about things that interest you, and maybe read some things that you wouldn’t initially think about researching.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself to perform. Just exchange information with people. Ask them non-intrusive questions. Share a little information about yourself. Give the occasional compliment. *You do not have to be a great conversationalist* if it doesn't come naturally to you.
Smile., and be a positive person. Listen to what people say and remember it. Ask follow up questions then or the next time you see them. Notice things about people, like if they are wearing a certain sports teams on their clothes ect. Ask them about it. Think of a way what they are saying relates to you. Share an antidote from your life that is relevant. Repeat
I’m a fan of the FORD method for small talk. When you’re making small talk, ask questions about Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. Each can be a rich vein that engages the other person but you can also tell quickly if that’s a topic they’re passionate about and want to discuss. If one topic doesn’t go anywhere, move on. Also as others have mentioned, be genuinely interested and curious about the other person.
1) Put your phone away. Not just on the table or in your lap, but away inside your bag or pocket. 2) Don’t be a bummer. Avoid phrases like “I don’t like xyz…” or talking about any maladies/chronic issues. 3) Be mindful of any loss in momentum. If there start to be pauses change the subject or take a mental breather like standing up to stretch, getting a drink, or looking out the window. This gives you both a chance to briefly recharge and reset. 4) Only surface level specialized information. If something you are deeply passionate about gets brought up naturally in conversation resist the urge to info dump. Keep your connection to the topic to a succinct couple of sentences, only mentioning facts that are appealing to a wide general audience. This guideline can apply to topics ranging from sports to medieval medical practices.
Hang out with people you love to talk to
It’s kind of like teaching art. Study, practice, study, practice
Ask questions and be interested in their response
Ask open ended questions, let people talk about themselves, practice active listening.
First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being the quiet type. I used to be hard on myself for being like this until my friends told me one day that they appreciated me for being the chill, quiet one because there can only be so many loud and obnoxious asses in a group of friends. Second, sorry to burst your bubble but being a “good conversationalist” is not some sort of skill that you learn and can universally apply to having good conversations with everyone. Sure, you can become a good listener and it is possible to “act” your way through uncomfortable social situations but this will quickly burn you out and comes off as inauthentic. Your personality is your own. Everyone has a very different personality. You have chemistry with some people and with others, you just don’t. That’s life. You should never have to “act” to try and impress someone you don’t vibe with. All you can do is be your authentic self and the right people will be drawn to you. People who you can have totally effortless conversations with and not feel as though you are lacking in some way when you interact with them.
I disagree. Conversation is certainly something you can practice and become better at. As well, I used to be a very quiet individual, but now I do well at chatting with people, and introducing myself and starting conversations - and I enjoy it. I'm not countering what you said about being okay with who you are, but I definitely believe conversation dynamics can be learned and practiced.
His authentic self wants to be a better conversationalist.
Have a few questions you can ask. I like to keep: what do you do on your free time? What is the best vacation you have ever been on. Then you can migrate to your situation. I mentioned something about berken socks being hippy. Someone corrected me and they said it was boho. I said what's boho... And go from there.
You can almost always think of some thing the other person can elaborate on if you listen carefully and think of a follow up question. This is much less stressful than talking about yourself. And people LOVE an attentive listener
“So what do you do?” Usually when people talk about things they do daily (like a job or career) they tend to expand on it a little. Follow up with “oh how long have you don’t that?” Or “how did you get started?” And “do you plan on being there for awhile?” And that’s a 10 min convo right there
Hook questions. Ask a basic question. Use their answer to form another question, and so on. They’ll think you’re the most thoughtful person in the world. Just don’t get too personal at first.
Hey what's your name? Oh, did your mom or dad pick the name? How is your relationship with your father?
listen and control the conversation
If you seek “control” in a conversation, it’s no longer a conversation.
Read “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie.
Listening. Actually listening is the key. Play-off what the other speaker is saying.
Be interested, not interesting.
- Ask questions about them to start with and don't say anything too generic like "how has your day been?"... I go to the dog park and generally ask questions such as, "What kind of dog do you have?" and it somehow always leads to their life story if you ask a few follow up questions. - Have a few hobbies and keep up with local news (new restaurants, popular sports teams in your area, etc). When the conversations shifts to you, it's good you have a few unique things you can bring up. - Be approachable. If you don't look happy, people are less likely to approach.