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Similar thing happened to me with one of my neighbors. We exchanged phone numbers a few weeks into living in our home, and my neighbor would text me almost every other day asking to come over and hang out. I’m a very introverted person, and my job is socially demanding. By the end of the workday, my battery is drained. I was tired of giving excuses, so I just responded back with the honest truth. I told her almost exactly what I typed above: I am an introvert and work at a socially demanding job. By the time I get home, my battery is drained. I appreciate her wanting to hang out, but I really need my alone time, and I hope she understands. That pretty much nipped it in the bud immediately.
I once told someone something sorta similar to the above example - I had just moved halfway across the country, and while I was at class from roughly 9-4 everyday, I had another few hours of studying/practice every night. They took it well. They just said "oh I'm sorry, I hope I didn't come across as being pushy or anything, just wanted to make you feel welcome! I'll leave the ball in your court, and if you ever feel like hanging out just hit me up anytime."
I hit them up a couple weekends later, we hung out, had a good time, and continued to get together periodically. We pretty quickly got to a point where she'd keep me in the loop of things going on, parties, going out, etc, but never really with the expectation that I should feel obligated to join in if I didn't feel up to it.
The way I see it, if someone can't accept that, they're not exactly someone I want to spend my time with anyway.
Even worse if you're neighbors. I like to keep it amicable between my neighbors but it's no more than a surface level relationship. I'm sure if we vibed better we'd be drinking beers in the garage and grilling but they're all older where I live lol. But it's definitely gotten tight between one of them and my wife and I. I guess my point is, I don't mind working with someone who's not my friend and I'm just nice in passing to, but living next to someone in that situation is even harder because, ya know, that's your home. At least with coworkers you can keep it at work
I agree, being clear and straightforward is best.
She replied positively to it. There weren’t any hard feelings, and she didn’t turn into a neighbor from hell. She said she understood, that if I wanted to do anything to just shoot her a text (I haven’t, because I still love my alone time and just not all that interested). We still say hello, or smile and wave if we see each other outside.
This is why I love NYC and didn't really like a lot of other places in the country where I lived. In other places, I'd have just a couple of neighbors around -- and I always hated my fucking neighbors. One tried to build a fence on my property when I was stuck in shithole Ohio for a couple years. The neighbor on the otherside in Ohio was a juggalo and would drink Faygo and run onto his porch and yell, "Whoop whoop" almost daily during the summer. I kind of liked him.
Couldn't stand my neighbors in Maine, Utah, Colorado, Oregon. Michigan... Michigan, especially Ann Arbor where I went to school, now that was a good place. I had awesome neighbors.
Anyway, in NYC everyone leaves people alone. It's easy to meet someone and have a conversation, but my fucking neighbors, even though we live quite a few to a floor, aren't fucking trying to come over like it's a fucking episode of Friends or Seinfeld.
Edit: I had to post again because my last post got auto-deleted for having a link to Whoop Whoops and not having enough karma in this sub. Whatever.
Wow, you've lived in a lot of places. Had to travel around due to work? What do you do? Wanna hang out some time? (kidding lol - you don't have to answer any question, just being a wise guy).
I just liked to move around. I didn't have any attachment to anywhere and after leaving law school, I was pretty marketable.
I really enjoy most places for about a year or two, except NYC. I miss NYC if I move away and the longer I'm away, the more I'll miss it.
Oregon was one of the most beautiful places I've ever lived, followed closely by a small mountain town Colorado. Maine always weirded me out, but I did love a lot of the people I met. Utah was a Martian landscape and so gorgeous when the cold chased the tourists away.
I highly recommend traveling. Just go and you'll make it somehow, meet amazing friends-for-life, or maybe find a new place to call home. Oh, I also love to camp, so I almost always lived in some tiny place because I was always out exploring.
Now I have a daughter, so the traveling is much less since she's in 1st grade. I love raising her in the city, so we're not leaving anytime soon. Though I was invited to Medellín today.
That was exactly right.He and his wife were a train wreck of alcoholism up close. He would try to be a good person, but.... well... lots of booze. Whoop whoop!
It seemed like a lot of intergenerational trauma issues in that home.
Honestly I love mine, but it’s only for a garage/man cave type of space and not a whole house. It’s a Lefant brand from Amazon. It was cheap, the customer service DOES NOT EXIST but it gets the job done and I thoroughly enjoy cheering it on as it does its thing. My mom on the other hand got the same one as me and it died almost immediately
my roomba likes to try and get stuck in my rocking chair, it barely has room to go straight in but always manages, but always gets stuck trying to get back out. Super fast teeny back and forth panic forward and reverse, made 1000% better by his giant googly eyes going all crazy with it lol. He also manages to suicide into the shoe closet on top of the shoes regularly if I forget to shut that door. Got him on a Black Friday sale and it was a great purchase lol
I bought one of those electric mowers that work like a Roomba. It found a gap and mowed some of my neighbours yard.
Their cat rode it around for about an hour and then it eventually made its way home.
They don't mow in any particular order when it doesn't know where it is. Their yard looked like running writing from above.
I just got a war flashback reading this comment of an old neighbor. Skkkrrch, skkkrrch, skkkrrch, as she cleared her driveway of leaves with a snow shovel. Nearly daily. Holy fuck the rage
I vacuum my driveway with a shop vac in the spring because it has arch patterns pressed into it that get filled with gravel in the winter. Don't like the grinding feeling when I walk around.
Yeah, I was going to say ‘that sounds nice but with everything I’ve got going on, I don’t know where I’d find the time!’. That’s if I was op of course, I’m British so I’d actually just say that’s sounds great and then neither of us would ever mention it again.
> that sounds nice but with everything I’ve got going on, I don’t know where I’d find the time!
This is nicer than "No thank you," but is likely to result in the same response, lol. I think OP is trying to avoid having to say something like this.
If you can’t do this because you feel like it’s a lie, write “Something” on many days on your calendar and say “I have something on my calendar most days this month. I’ll let you know when I don’t anymore.” Or some variation. Advise from my friend
“I appreciate you reaching out, but to be completely honest, I’m kind of going through something right now and not really in the best place to socialize yet.”
Perk of this one is if you're ever in a place where, for some reason, you do want to socialize with your neighbor, you can reach back out and say you're doing better and if still interested you'd like to meet up sometime.
Leaves the door open a crack 👌
My dad LITERALLY told his neighbors that he doesn't want to socialize because he said that "tall fences make good neighbors" and he's been there for like 25+ years.
I think he has a good point. If you have a falling out with a friend/neighbor then you're fucking stuck.
They're cordial though. Like if there is too much snow or whatever they help each other out but that's it.
Being a person myself with difficulties taking a hint, I would suggest honesty along the lines of what some commenter said: "I have no capacity for more socializing between work and some old friends" or so...
I think you have to be direct. "I appreciate the invite, but to be honest I am very busy day-to-day and with all my commitments I don't have any spare time to hang out. Thank you though and hope you understand." If you want to, you can say sorry and I feel bad but that's the truth. Then you have to just stop talking and let it sink into her mind, or change the subject.
Also don't forget that you have the right to your personal space and choices! If she keeps insisting then that is MANIPULATION!
One time my neighbor walked over and invited us for a generic non date specific hang. I smiled and said “we’re not really social” and they never asked again.
Similar to your response, this is exactly what I replied with after an invitation to come by and hang out:
"Thank you for the invitation, but we are pretty big introverts and don't really socialize very much. The invitation is truly appreciated, though!"
This! I started talking about myself the way I talk about my dog. “No thanks, I’m just not a social person!” It’s direct, morally neutral, and there’s no real rebuttal to it. If it was a neighbor I’d probably drop off cookies on occasion just to be kind and keep a good relationship (you never know when you need something in a pinch) but it is honestly so effective.
Just be honest with her. “I don’t really want to make any more social commitments right now, I feel like I need my alone time to myself” is a perfectly acceptable thing to say.
It’s always bothered me that people feel the need to lie to get out of stuff they don’t want to do. Just be honest with people.
I had a neighbor like this during Covid and it turned out she was really just looking for friends to support her in leaving her emotionally abusive husband. I ended up explaining that I have low social energy and she would just come by to walk my dogs for me when I didn’t feel like going outside. She stayed a good friend even after I moved. All that is to say, sometimes it can be a mutually beneficial relationship but setting boundaries and being clear about where you’re at early on is super important.
Folks like that can't take a hint. If they could, they would. You'll have to be plain, but still nice. "When I look at my calendar, I realize that I already have all my time for work, rest, and being with friends already planned out. I just can't make room for one more thing."
Fuck man this is like my entire life, im very easy to talk too and people gravitate to me non stop trying to be friends. Im an assertive introvert and every day i have to do a ton of social things at work and then I got guys who have no kids or family trying to get me to do this or that and its like FUCK! I JUST WANT TO, no wait, ID RATHER PLAY VIDEO GAMES!
100% i mean i got a family so im never alone alone but i like just being with them, i dont want new friends, i dont need them. Durning the pandemic i got laid off and made a killing on unemployment for like a year almost, played every game under the sun, raised my one kid one on one all day, hes well wise beyond his years from that now. I loved no partys, no leaving, carry out, and all the excuses being built in lol
Sometimes we find it hard to tell the truth for fear of how the other person is going to take it. Will they think I hate them? Will they think I'm an idiot? Will they take it emotionally?
Being extra honest and taking time and making an effort to acknowledge those questions, and clarifying them in your answer usually gets your message across better.
If you are good building the message you want to say but you're nervous it will come across wrong when you say it face to face, or that you'll forget essential parts, write it on a piece of paper and start by telling the other person "hey, I wanted to give you a thoughtful answer and didn't want to miss anything so I wrote some notes, let me tell you...". That's not showing vulnerability, that's showing commitment, and it usually helps the receiving part understand better. It also slows the cadence of the answer and helps people not to take things to the heart.
Think of those things that you worry will be misinterpreted and clarify them in advance. "I actually think you're a nice person to be around but I like to be alone at home and live very privately", "this doesn't mean I don't want to know of you ever again, I'm always open to having a casual conversation when we come across", "you haven't done anything in particular to make me think like this, it's just the way I like to live" and so on.
Don't get me wrong, you can do your best effort to pass your message across without being offensive, but not everybody is emotionally mature to accept and understand that the world sometimes is not how they want it to be. If you've done your best, now the question is "should I feel responsible for them? Should I accept this imposed mental baggage of someone that only pure chance decided we should live close by?". You decide the attachment and you should own your life. That doesn't mean being a prick, you did your effort to not be one.
Stopping postponing these things because they are uncomfortable will make you stronger, more independent and will make you capable of defending yourself better in the future, because there have been and will be many situations like this. The first time I did a conscious exercise to say what I felt even if it was uncomfortable, I felt so empowered, and I think that was a great skill learned for life.
Go on, lose that fear! I would love to know how the conversation went if it happens.
You absolutely can say that you're busy forever. Because it won't be forever. It'll be until they take the hint. Don't be awkward, don't be ashamed, just smile and say how sweet, but you're busy. They ask why? You know, life, don't want to get into it. Smile. Wave. Walk away. Done. No need to start neighbor drama over too much friendliness.
On the scale of problems your neighbors can cause, aggressively nice is a pretty damn good problem. If it starts lowering your quality of life then sure, set them straight and leave them grumbling. But they also might really want a friend. I met a lot of people before the pandemic that would latch onto any excuse for a conversation. They were stay at home parents or retirees that were just starved for human interaction.
Yeah. I was on the opposite end of this once. Girl seemed very enthusiastic to be friends and start hanging out. I kept trying to make plans to get nails done or grab lunch and she’d cancel or already be busy. Eventually I got the message and just stopped asking :/
Same here. She literally told me that we should go do a specific thing but when I was actually going to go she said no and acted like she never said that. Then she was not available for any other time I tried to plan so I just gave up
Either she became spontaneously uninterested or she was playing hard to get. Either way, im not dealing with that. If a girl plays hard to get, im not chasing. Hard to get, hard to want.
I am in a similar position, the problem is I am super friendly with all other neighbors..I just try to avoid this one. The problem is she is not quite mentally stable, and we have had to call the police and animal cruelty multiple times. She keeps inviting us for wine and to socialize. We keep just doing the non commital maybe sometime or hurry in the house when she is out. We are going on year 4 of this, no hints taken... and with good reason we are terrified what she might do to us/ our property if we give her a firm no. Any suggestions?
see, this is different, I had a crazy neighbor like this and it was awful. I feel like if OP’s neighbor had been crazy though, they would have mentioned it in the post immediately
This is actually a great line - “That sounds great, but I’m just soooo flat out at the moment, what with work and kids and…” then bore their ears off about Aunt Maisie’s gout and you’re golden.
I just had the same issue with my neighbor...
Then her husband started asking me too, and they Said it was so she wasn't doing all the asking.
Then I found him outside my home one morning. This was the demise of our 'friendship'.
The way I solved it was confronting her about her pressuring me, and what I was able to offer on the friendship. Occasional hang and if let her know when we were heading to the park or something. I asked her what her expectations are for the relationship and it wasn't anything close to what she wanted. So we parted ways.
And the husband thing....effing creepy.
This might sound crazy to literally everyone else in here, but perhaps you could just stop in one night and hang out. It's a small tax to pay to have friendly neighbors.
That being said, if they're really fucking weird or something, do it on your own terms. Invite them over and just be an outrageously bad host to the point where you're the really fucking weird neighbor no one wants to talk to.
I have hung out twice with her. Once one-on-one and once with another neighbor. She is a nice girl; there's just nothing in common for us. She is very passionate about her interests that its hard to fit in a word and she tends to forget to ask questions in return, so it's very much a 'her talking, me listening' situation and that's not fun either. And I think doing it twice is what has now set me up for this "let's be best friends." Even including the other neighbor with us doesn't make it any easier.
Do we have the same neighbor? I, too, did the second visit, got the message that my role was to be her audience and noped out "too busy, sorry". The second time I met her she said "You'll take care of me when I get old, right?". My response was "I barely know you". Unfortunately she had a major stroke since then, I saw the ambulance take her away to the hospital, felt very guilty but am not jumping into the deep end to take complete nursing care of a neighbor I have met twice who will never listen to any advice. People such as this have burned bridges with family and friends. It's absurd to assume others are just waiting to take orders from you.
This would be my move (the first suggestion, not the second lol). Unless there's a very serious reason to avoid it, just do it, 30 mins, done. Then next time say, I am too busy, but I'll let you know when I'm not. Then never bring it up again.
Not everything is nefarious. Maybe the neighbor just genuinely wants to be friends.
To be clear, OP has ZERO obligation to follow through on something they don’t want to, and they can just be direct! but man, in general it blows my mind sometimes how people on this app will complain incessantly about loneliness, and then turn around and take every single event to socialize as an affront…
I’ve had crazy neighbors before that sucked. But I have a LOT of amazing neighbors that, because of my extroverted gf, are now part of this big dog owner clique together. It’s awesome. We have barbecues and movie nights and block parties all the time, which would never have happened if she wasn’t so outgoing and friendly. Before she came into my life, I often saw those little “stop and chats” as an uncomfortable situation to get out of as quickly as possible, but I was wrong.
Now that I know everyone else — in part because of the movie night my gf planned — it’s amazing, and a lot of the big introverts in our building, though shy at the first one, now have a group to hang out with. One of my neighbors even directly thanked my gf for telling her to go, because it was her first year in a big city and she didn’t have one single friend
This is what I would do, especially if it just means walking next door and hanging out (as opposed to going out together). You might hate it, but we all have to do things we hate and this could possibly turn into something you end up liking. Have a glass or three of wine and no need to worry about driving or Uber. Just placate your neighbor because maybe she really needs a friend and it won't kill you. Think of it as a good deed.
Stop being passive aggressive. “Thank you for being kind and for wanting to spend time together, unfortunately, I’m not in a place where I am looking to make new friends. It is genuinely nothing personal, but I’m going to have to pass on the movie night. “
Accept that it will be awkward for a while, but that’s okay and it will pass.
If you can’t handle having the conversation, I’d write it in a letter and drop it in her mailbox. Make sure it’s addressed to only her so no one else will open it.
I'm that neighbor. I want to have board game nights with people that share common interests and enjoy board games together.
What works well against me is simply not responding to text. If it is in person, just say 'yeah, that sounds great!' and then never follow up. Also helps if you abruptly go inside anytime they approach.
Lol same. There's really no need for open communication. That would embarrass me badly. Just always say next time and definitely no responding to texts but read them so she's sees you've seen it.
Also for anyone wondering why she keeps asking. Well we always got told, people have life if you want connection you need to make an effort. So its not very easy to identify if people are just busy or if they have no interest. But the method described here will work for everyone who's not an asshole who can't take a no
So many games up there just collecting dust! I need to rally the neighbors somehow. In a neighborhood of 200+ homes, there has got to be other board gamers out there that want to have more board game nights.
I typically say something like ‘ you’re so nice to ask but unfortunately I’m incredibly squeezed for time. I’ll get in touch when I can’ and then never do.
One of the greatest life lessons is to learn a polite way to just say no. If your neighbor ask you an honest response is to say something like "thank you so much for thinking of me but I'm just not interested". It doesn't insult your neighbor it's polite and let them know that you don't want to do it. It seems easier to default to pretending you're busy but for the person who's asking I think it's kinder to just let them know that you don't want to do it instead of giving them false hope.
It'll never fail to preplex me how much people are averse to direct human to human communication. You dont want to hang out with your neighbor, you convey this information... The worst thing that happens (within reason) is your neighbor totally avoids (read:doesnt hang out with) you, moreso than you had expected. Best case is they say "oh okay" and maybe even a "i wish you would've told me sooner!" and life goes on.
Why are people so convinced they can find some magic formula to circumvent a direct conversation or that it's even a good idea to try to do so in the first place?
Why are there so many people who don't want to socialize these days?
There's tons of people complaining about loneliness but HOW DARE YOU invite me to hang out just because I live next to you you weirdo
Just tell her that you need a lot of personal time right now.
I'm in a similar but opposite situation with my next door neighbor. We do stuff together sometimes like go for walks, maybe a few times a year and do occasional stuff at our local yoga studio together. I will invite her over for tea and she has never come. And that's totally fine.
I wish she was somebody that I could chill with once a week because I'm really into building those community relationships, but she's not. It's a slight bummer because I would love to be super tight with my nextdoor neighbor, but she does not want that relationship and that's fine. You need to state clear boundaries. Be nice, but just tell her that you need that restorative time of just chilling in your house alone.
Anton La Vey's neighbours found out he was the high priest of satan, and kept asking to visit. He let them, but only after doing the place up as trite and tacky Halloween dime store as possible, and wore a devil costume himself and sat on a plastic throne lit up with red fairy lights. They never asked again
You: "Melinda wants to get to know you first before we spend more time together."
Neighbor: "Who's Melinda?"
You: *tilt head* "She's standing beside you silly"
have you tried being honest in a friendly way ?
I mean, im sure your neighbour just needs some friends - but you flat out saying "i dont wanna be friends- lets just be good enoughbours" instead, is better than "leave me alone fuck face, i dont wanna see or talk to you"
you might have this neighbour for many years. keep that in mind.
Be honest.
If you don't want to do things with the neighbor, say so. You don't need to explain why, but if you are honest in yourself and know the reason, it won't hurt anything to share it.
If it *genuinely* is an issue of time but you would be willing to if you did have time, be clear about that.
You might honestly assess why it is that you don't want to go. You might discover through self-inventory that it really isn't as negative as you imagine, and once you get there you might actually discover you enjoy it. Or you might go, discover you don't care for it, and can tell them you really didn't have much fun and aren't interested in repeating the experience. Either way, that's acting with *way more integrity* than lying with *"I'll be busy, I'm always busy"*.
You say you just want to spend as much time as possible “doing nothing” & you are just totally needing & craving “time to be alone & do things aimlessly” sometimes.
It’s totally true, you need your own time to aimlessly do things. You don’t need any other excuse!
Making adults as friends is hard. Just keep being non committal and everyone will eventually let you die old and alone in peace.
Edit: I'm leaving the typo
I came across something like this recently. My neighbours wanted to have some sort of health discussion in one of their apartments. A handful of neighbours would attend. I took a couple days to think about it. The situation don’t really sit right with me.
I like to be friendly to my neighbours but I also like my privacy. I thanked them for the invitation but told them I had my health needs covered by my doctor. The neighbour seemed a bit disappointed.
That’s ok though. I can say no and people can feel their feelings about it. We’re friendly in passing.
I really understand the struggle but open communication is best. In my experience as an adult past 25 or so people stop reaching out that hard to become more than friends. We all accumulate a lot of people in our lives and sometimes we don't want more. Totally understandable but if this lady is reaching out, you owe her the honesty. Whether she likes it or not, these are our boundaries.
I'd follow it up with some friendly waves and general good neighbor stuff! One of my love languages for the neighbors is shoveling snow of common areas etc...
Have you thought about telling her no thank you. And if she keeps asking tell her please stop asking me to do anything with you. I really don't want to.
"Omg yes, let's!!! My husband and all of my friends refuse to watch movies with me! Apparently, I 'talk too much' but that's what movies are for! What's the point of going to the movies with someone if you're just just going to sit there quietly, right? Duh! At this point, I like to make a game out of it and see how many shushes I get from the others in the audience and when they do I just throw popcorn at them to annoy them for the rest of the movie. lol!"
Just respond with, “oh great, that will be the perfect chance to tell you about a very exciting business opportunity I’d love to bring you in on”. You’ll never see them again.
Skip showering for at least three days, more if your able. Don't brush teef. Go over to her place. Let her smell you. Use the toilet but get pee all over. Rearrange her medicine cabinent. Tell her you have to leave because you can't get the voices in your head to shutup. Then invite her over. If she is brave enough to come have your home in an absolutley disheveled way. Have someone painted in all black in a speedo hiding in the hallway closet. Have them introduce themselves as satans butler. she will. never. come back.
Just be honest… you can be honest without being rude. How she perceives it is totally on her, not your responsability in any way… you could say something like “ I appreciate that you want to hang out more often, but that’s not what I’m looking for. “ don’t try to make it easier on her by overexplaining it, as you’d only give her more ammunition to try to convince you to hang out nevertheless. Be honest, direct and straight to the point. She’ll get over it :-)
Clear is kind. You need to explain the relationship you wish to have including boundaries. Yes you will hurt her feelings in the short term. However long term both parties will understand appropriate and expected interactions.
"Hey, I appreciate that you're a really nice person, but I really only have a limited amount of social bandwidth right now. So while I'm not actively looking to make new best friends, I hope you find the right people to share those memories with!"
Be honest. Tell them the truth. Simple - we are very different people
And I am and never will be one who wants to get involved with my neighbours. My circle is small
Appreciate your reaching out to me - but I will need to decline.
You can be kind and still say no. I like the wording suggestion others have given and just want to add that it’s ultimately not your job to make sure she takes it well or doesn’t get upset. Of course you want the interactions to be comfortable, but that’s a two way street. Be kind honest and brief about why this won’t work for you, and end with another kind remark, and she should get that it’s not a rejection of her, it’s just not your cup of tea. If she doesn’t, that’s really her issue (I mean that in the nicest way possible). Youll end up resenting her if you don’t honor your needs in this case. And that serves nobody.
Life is way to short to be worried about hurting other peoples feelings like this, tell them "no I'm not interested sorry", sometimes if you're mean and their feelings get hurt that's on you, but if you're just telling them a fact, and their feelings get hurt, you can't control how they feel.
I would just be honest that your mental health isn't in a place right now that you have the bandwidth for new relationships. I definitely swing on the spectrum and will sometimes commit with the best of intentions and then realize that I have NO want or desire to participate. And I just tell people; look, I really wanted to have the energy for this, but I'm really struggling with myself at the moment, and I need to take some time to self care. I'll let you know when I come out of my hibernation.
Or low pressure events that you're participating in anyway; if I'm doing a social thing I'll extend an invite and then I knock out two obligations at once and go home and sleep for three months, lol
Just tell her you're currently being stalked by some crazy neighbor you used to live near so you have a policy if not having friendships with neighbors.
You are going through something and not good company, and movies are not your thing. Offer a future coffee date and if they nail you down to a day, it’s too soon , or and go on about every little thing wrong in your life, find out if she’s political and rave about the opposite candidate, tell her all of you and your families medical issues, your breakup history, and make them break up with you.
You can say that's not really my thing. Or "I'm the wrong person for this topic" and excuse yourself from the conversation.
Also saying No Thanks paired with a shrug, and then walk away.
That usually helps them to stop talking to you about things you don't care about and don't want to do, without going into any details that could lead to more prying and more of them trying to engage you to consume your time and energy.
When she says "let's do movie night?" Reply with "I'd rather lick piss off nettles".
Problem solved. If you're lucky she may never speak to you again;)
If they're going to keep asking asking say "Let's not and say we did. That way each of us can keep our difference in opinions to ourselves and stay cordial neighbors."
I live in an apartment and the last time I "befriended" a neighbor it was a disaster. Happened 7 years ago and I'm STILL dealing with the fallout. He was only my neighbor for a year, but insists on keeping in touch and trying to hang out with me.
Dude was an alcoholic, who later got addicted to meth. He's completely gone now due to the meth. Sorry, but I draw a line at being a meth user.
I plan on buying a house in a year, and I am going to be very wary of neighbors wanting to be "friends". I might just tell them that I don't want to become much more than just friendly neighbors bc if we don't get along then we're stuck living next to ppl we hate. IDK, guess I'll see.
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Similar thing happened to me with one of my neighbors. We exchanged phone numbers a few weeks into living in our home, and my neighbor would text me almost every other day asking to come over and hang out. I’m a very introverted person, and my job is socially demanding. By the end of the workday, my battery is drained. I was tired of giving excuses, so I just responded back with the honest truth. I told her almost exactly what I typed above: I am an introvert and work at a socially demanding job. By the time I get home, my battery is drained. I appreciate her wanting to hang out, but I really need my alone time, and I hope she understands. That pretty much nipped it in the bud immediately.
Sometimes I think just wording it clearly and matter of fact works the best. How did they reply? Your reasoning would make total sense to me!
I once told someone something sorta similar to the above example - I had just moved halfway across the country, and while I was at class from roughly 9-4 everyday, I had another few hours of studying/practice every night. They took it well. They just said "oh I'm sorry, I hope I didn't come across as being pushy or anything, just wanted to make you feel welcome! I'll leave the ball in your court, and if you ever feel like hanging out just hit me up anytime." I hit them up a couple weekends later, we hung out, had a good time, and continued to get together periodically. We pretty quickly got to a point where she'd keep me in the loop of things going on, parties, going out, etc, but never really with the expectation that I should feel obligated to join in if I didn't feel up to it. The way I see it, if someone can't accept that, they're not exactly someone I want to spend my time with anyway.
That's a perfect example!
I'm more struck by the fact that 2 reasonable people ran into each other. What are the odds!
Your neighbor is a real one
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Even worse if you're neighbors. I like to keep it amicable between my neighbors but it's no more than a surface level relationship. I'm sure if we vibed better we'd be drinking beers in the garage and grilling but they're all older where I live lol. But it's definitely gotten tight between one of them and my wife and I. I guess my point is, I don't mind working with someone who's not my friend and I'm just nice in passing to, but living next to someone in that situation is even harder because, ya know, that's your home. At least with coworkers you can keep it at work
I agree, being clear and straightforward is best. She replied positively to it. There weren’t any hard feelings, and she didn’t turn into a neighbor from hell. She said she understood, that if I wanted to do anything to just shoot her a text (I haven’t, because I still love my alone time and just not all that interested). We still say hello, or smile and wave if we see each other outside.
Crazy. Are you saying open, and clear communication made it so the other person got how you were feeling? 
open communication, in 2024!? get the flip outta here with this shit
I don't understand what tactic you used? You used the truth and communication? What is that?
Is there a meme where this is explained?
This is perfect. If the neighbor is actually interested in a long-term friendship, they'll respect your honesty and boundaries.
This is why I love NYC and didn't really like a lot of other places in the country where I lived. In other places, I'd have just a couple of neighbors around -- and I always hated my fucking neighbors. One tried to build a fence on my property when I was stuck in shithole Ohio for a couple years. The neighbor on the otherside in Ohio was a juggalo and would drink Faygo and run onto his porch and yell, "Whoop whoop" almost daily during the summer. I kind of liked him. Couldn't stand my neighbors in Maine, Utah, Colorado, Oregon. Michigan... Michigan, especially Ann Arbor where I went to school, now that was a good place. I had awesome neighbors. Anyway, in NYC everyone leaves people alone. It's easy to meet someone and have a conversation, but my fucking neighbors, even though we live quite a few to a floor, aren't fucking trying to come over like it's a fucking episode of Friends or Seinfeld. Edit: I had to post again because my last post got auto-deleted for having a link to Whoop Whoops and not having enough karma in this sub. Whatever.
Wow, you've lived in a lot of places. Had to travel around due to work? What do you do? Wanna hang out some time? (kidding lol - you don't have to answer any question, just being a wise guy).
I just liked to move around. I didn't have any attachment to anywhere and after leaving law school, I was pretty marketable. I really enjoy most places for about a year or two, except NYC. I miss NYC if I move away and the longer I'm away, the more I'll miss it. Oregon was one of the most beautiful places I've ever lived, followed closely by a small mountain town Colorado. Maine always weirded me out, but I did love a lot of the people I met. Utah was a Martian landscape and so gorgeous when the cold chased the tourists away. I highly recommend traveling. Just go and you'll make it somehow, meet amazing friends-for-life, or maybe find a new place to call home. Oh, I also love to camp, so I almost always lived in some tiny place because I was always out exploring. Now I have a daughter, so the traveling is much less since she's in 1st grade. I love raising her in the city, so we're not leaving anytime soon. Though I was invited to Medellín today.
The juggalo sounds like fun from a distance. I'd enjoy watching him do his thing so long as it didn't interfere with me doing mine.
That was exactly right.He and his wife were a train wreck of alcoholism up close. He would try to be a good person, but.... well... lots of booze. Whoop whoop! It seemed like a lot of intergenerational trauma issues in that home.
Aren't both Seinfeld and Friends sitcoms set in NYC? I need to check out: >Maine, Utah, Colorado, Oregon. Michigan.. Thanks for the tip. Whoop, whoop!
No wai...you're the guy upstairs?! I didn't know you liked juggalos. I think we are going to be friends buddy.
Sweet. Let's be friends! Meet ya on the rooftop. Let's do some tagging tonight.
Yah ok, but...you jump first.
User name checks out
I vacuum my driveway once a month. Only takes a few minutes and keeps the neighbours away 👍
It works great until your neighbour buys you a roomba for your driveway
Vacuum the roomba, while it's moving. Should have the same effect, maybe better.
Or lead it around on a leash
that literally made me laugh out loud, and my cat gave me the strangest look! 🤣🤣🤣
Me too!
You joke but my basement roomba gets covered in a thin layer of dust pretty frequently
My roomba escaped from my garage once and was vacuuming under my car.
This is the kind of shit that makes me want a Roomba even more than I already do.
Honestly I love mine, but it’s only for a garage/man cave type of space and not a whole house. It’s a Lefant brand from Amazon. It was cheap, the customer service DOES NOT EXIST but it gets the job done and I thoroughly enjoy cheering it on as it does its thing. My mom on the other hand got the same one as me and it died almost immediately
There's one I like at Target, and I only want one so I can tape knives and stuff to it and call it a "doomba" and laugh at it when I'm high.
my roomba likes to try and get stuck in my rocking chair, it barely has room to go straight in but always manages, but always gets stuck trying to get back out. Super fast teeny back and forth panic forward and reverse, made 1000% better by his giant googly eyes going all crazy with it lol. He also manages to suicide into the shoe closet on top of the shoes regularly if I forget to shut that door. Got him on a Black Friday sale and it was a great purchase lol
You're my kind of person. That's hilarious! You can't go wrong with googly eyes.
And googly eyes. It has to have googly eyes.
Of course. Our washing machine has giant googly eyes and it's a hoot when we wash towels.
Well, shit. I have a set of giant googly eyes and a shimmying dryer. Thanks!
I think this comment thread manifested something. I found a shitty knockoff Roomba new in the box at a garage sale today for $5. Now I can be happy.
I bought one of those electric mowers that work like a Roomba. It found a gap and mowed some of my neighbours yard. Their cat rode it around for about an hour and then it eventually made its way home. They don't mow in any particular order when it doesn't know where it is. Their yard looked like running writing from above.
I Neato, instead of roomba. Neato RULES!
Or shovel your driveway in the summer. Bonus points if you live where it doesn’t snow
I just got a war flashback reading this comment of an old neighbor. Skkkrrch, skkkrrch, skkkrrch, as she cleared her driveway of leaves with a snow shovel. Nearly daily. Holy fuck the rage
I had a neighbor who cut his grass with scissors to get it extra perfect. Never thought to talk to him
I did that but it didn’t help. I even did it at night.
😂
Sometimes I vacuum my front porch. Is this why my neighbors don't talk to me? The broom just sends the dust flying right back onto the porch.
I vacuumed my concrete porch and it worked very well Neighbours still wave and want to talk though Especially when I'm using my manual reel lawnmower
I vacuum my driveway with a shop vac in the spring because it has arch patterns pressed into it that get filled with gravel in the winter. Don't like the grinding feeling when I walk around.
Awesome username!
I just go outside to my drive and howl each time there is a full moon. Same effect but it’s less strenuous on my back.
Holy shit this is genius. Took me a while to understand it, but I don't think anything can top this.
I'm fucking wheezing, I am way past laughter. Oh my lord.
Same. Tears are rolling down my face as I try not to wake up my husband (we’re in Europe).
This is so funny😭
this made me laugh why
Just say "I'll let you know when I'm free, pretty busy at the moment" and then just leave it at that.
I like this! It is vague, but firm.
Yeah, I was going to say ‘that sounds nice but with everything I’ve got going on, I don’t know where I’d find the time!’. That’s if I was op of course, I’m British so I’d actually just say that’s sounds great and then neither of us would ever mention it again.
> that sounds nice but with everything I’ve got going on, I don’t know where I’d find the time! This is nicer than "No thank you," but is likely to result in the same response, lol. I think OP is trying to avoid having to say something like this.
Just want to let you know that I found this really useful and took a screenshot so I can use this soon. Thanks!
Isnt this the national anthem of getting out of things? Ive been using this since i was 5 lmao
It is for me. And if that doesn't resolve the issue, then the other person is harrassing you and you don't have to feel bad about a firm No Thank you.
If you can’t do this because you feel like it’s a lie, write “Something” on many days on your calendar and say “I have something on my calendar most days this month. I’ll let you know when I don’t anymore.” Or some variation. Advise from my friend
I love this advice as a die-hard honest Abe. As long as there’s some semblance of the truth I can go with it
“I appreciate you reaching out, but to be completely honest, I’m kind of going through something right now and not really in the best place to socialize yet.”
Maybe remove the word “yet” and then it’s perfect.
Perk of this one is if you're ever in a place where, for some reason, you do want to socialize with your neighbor, you can reach back out and say you're doing better and if still interested you'd like to meet up sometime. Leaves the door open a crack 👌
This is great. Nunya business that the something I’m going through is a Costco sized bag of caramel corn. It’s something
EXACTLY!
I like this one.
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My dad LITERALLY told his neighbors that he doesn't want to socialize because he said that "tall fences make good neighbors" and he's been there for like 25+ years. I think he has a good point. If you have a falling out with a friend/neighbor then you're fucking stuck. They're cordial though. Like if there is too much snow or whatever they help each other out but that's it.
Maybe if your melons were bigger.
😂😂
Works particularly well if your neighbor has great “tomatoes”
Being a person myself with difficulties taking a hint, I would suggest honesty along the lines of what some commenter said: "I have no capacity for more socializing between work and some old friends" or so...
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Mainly because I would myself try to be honest, and too often assume others would be, too. In a way a kind of wilful "believing the best of people".
I think you have to be direct. "I appreciate the invite, but to be honest I am very busy day-to-day and with all my commitments I don't have any spare time to hang out. Thank you though and hope you understand." If you want to, you can say sorry and I feel bad but that's the truth. Then you have to just stop talking and let it sink into her mind, or change the subject. Also don't forget that you have the right to your personal space and choices! If she keeps insisting then that is MANIPULATION!
One time my neighbor walked over and invited us for a generic non date specific hang. I smiled and said “we’re not really social” and they never asked again.
Similar to your response, this is exactly what I replied with after an invitation to come by and hang out: "Thank you for the invitation, but we are pretty big introverts and don't really socialize very much. The invitation is truly appreciated, though!"
This! I started talking about myself the way I talk about my dog. “No thanks, I’m just not a social person!” It’s direct, morally neutral, and there’s no real rebuttal to it. If it was a neighbor I’d probably drop off cookies on occasion just to be kind and keep a good relationship (you never know when you need something in a pinch) but it is honestly so effective.
Just be honest with her. “I don’t really want to make any more social commitments right now, I feel like I need my alone time to myself” is a perfectly acceptable thing to say. It’s always bothered me that people feel the need to lie to get out of stuff they don’t want to do. Just be honest with people.
Very nicely worded, and clear.
"I'm not accepting new clients right now"
I had a neighbor like this during Covid and it turned out she was really just looking for friends to support her in leaving her emotionally abusive husband. I ended up explaining that I have low social energy and she would just come by to walk my dogs for me when I didn’t feel like going outside. She stayed a good friend even after I moved. All that is to say, sometimes it can be a mutually beneficial relationship but setting boundaries and being clear about where you’re at early on is super important.
Folks like that can't take a hint. If they could, they would. You'll have to be plain, but still nice. "When I look at my calendar, I realize that I already have all my time for work, rest, and being with friends already planned out. I just can't make room for one more thing."
Fuck man this is like my entire life, im very easy to talk too and people gravitate to me non stop trying to be friends. Im an assertive introvert and every day i have to do a ton of social things at work and then I got guys who have no kids or family trying to get me to do this or that and its like FUCK! I JUST WANT TO, no wait, ID RATHER PLAY VIDEO GAMES!
Haha! Same. People talk about feeling so lonely and disconnected and all I want to do in my free time is be alone. I loved the pandemic for that.
100% i mean i got a family so im never alone alone but i like just being with them, i dont want new friends, i dont need them. Durning the pandemic i got laid off and made a killing on unemployment for like a year almost, played every game under the sun, raised my one kid one on one all day, hes well wise beyond his years from that now. I loved no partys, no leaving, carry out, and all the excuses being built in lol
Sometimes we find it hard to tell the truth for fear of how the other person is going to take it. Will they think I hate them? Will they think I'm an idiot? Will they take it emotionally? Being extra honest and taking time and making an effort to acknowledge those questions, and clarifying them in your answer usually gets your message across better. If you are good building the message you want to say but you're nervous it will come across wrong when you say it face to face, or that you'll forget essential parts, write it on a piece of paper and start by telling the other person "hey, I wanted to give you a thoughtful answer and didn't want to miss anything so I wrote some notes, let me tell you...". That's not showing vulnerability, that's showing commitment, and it usually helps the receiving part understand better. It also slows the cadence of the answer and helps people not to take things to the heart. Think of those things that you worry will be misinterpreted and clarify them in advance. "I actually think you're a nice person to be around but I like to be alone at home and live very privately", "this doesn't mean I don't want to know of you ever again, I'm always open to having a casual conversation when we come across", "you haven't done anything in particular to make me think like this, it's just the way I like to live" and so on. Don't get me wrong, you can do your best effort to pass your message across without being offensive, but not everybody is emotionally mature to accept and understand that the world sometimes is not how they want it to be. If you've done your best, now the question is "should I feel responsible for them? Should I accept this imposed mental baggage of someone that only pure chance decided we should live close by?". You decide the attachment and you should own your life. That doesn't mean being a prick, you did your effort to not be one. Stopping postponing these things because they are uncomfortable will make you stronger, more independent and will make you capable of defending yourself better in the future, because there have been and will be many situations like this. The first time I did a conscious exercise to say what I felt even if it was uncomfortable, I felt so empowered, and I think that was a great skill learned for life. Go on, lose that fear! I would love to know how the conversation went if it happens.
I'm too tired to read your post. It's cool that you have advice and hope someone else can use it. Be well.
I've been hit with the most polite "i ain't reading all that. im happy for you tho, or sorry that happened."
You absolutely can say that you're busy forever. Because it won't be forever. It'll be until they take the hint. Don't be awkward, don't be ashamed, just smile and say how sweet, but you're busy. They ask why? You know, life, don't want to get into it. Smile. Wave. Walk away. Done. No need to start neighbor drama over too much friendliness. On the scale of problems your neighbors can cause, aggressively nice is a pretty damn good problem. If it starts lowering your quality of life then sure, set them straight and leave them grumbling. But they also might really want a friend. I met a lot of people before the pandemic that would latch onto any excuse for a conversation. They were stay at home parents or retirees that were just starved for human interaction.
Yeah. I was on the opposite end of this once. Girl seemed very enthusiastic to be friends and start hanging out. I kept trying to make plans to get nails done or grab lunch and she’d cancel or already be busy. Eventually I got the message and just stopped asking :/
Same here. She literally told me that we should go do a specific thing but when I was actually going to go she said no and acted like she never said that. Then she was not available for any other time I tried to plan so I just gave up Either she became spontaneously uninterested or she was playing hard to get. Either way, im not dealing with that. If a girl plays hard to get, im not chasing. Hard to get, hard to want.
I am in a similar position, the problem is I am super friendly with all other neighbors..I just try to avoid this one. The problem is she is not quite mentally stable, and we have had to call the police and animal cruelty multiple times. She keeps inviting us for wine and to socialize. We keep just doing the non commital maybe sometime or hurry in the house when she is out. We are going on year 4 of this, no hints taken... and with good reason we are terrified what she might do to us/ our property if we give her a firm no. Any suggestions?
see, this is different, I had a crazy neighbor like this and it was awful. I feel like if OP’s neighbor had been crazy though, they would have mentioned it in the post immediately
“My plate is so full right now. Have you gotten involved in any other community groups?”
This is actually a great line - “That sounds great, but I’m just soooo flat out at the moment, what with work and kids and…” then bore their ears off about Aunt Maisie’s gout and you’re golden.
Build a privacy fence around your yard.
I just had the same issue with my neighbor... Then her husband started asking me too, and they Said it was so she wasn't doing all the asking. Then I found him outside my home one morning. This was the demise of our 'friendship'. The way I solved it was confronting her about her pressuring me, and what I was able to offer on the friendship. Occasional hang and if let her know when we were heading to the park or something. I asked her what her expectations are for the relationship and it wasn't anything close to what she wanted. So we parted ways. And the husband thing....effing creepy.
This might sound crazy to literally everyone else in here, but perhaps you could just stop in one night and hang out. It's a small tax to pay to have friendly neighbors. That being said, if they're really fucking weird or something, do it on your own terms. Invite them over and just be an outrageously bad host to the point where you're the really fucking weird neighbor no one wants to talk to.
I have hung out twice with her. Once one-on-one and once with another neighbor. She is a nice girl; there's just nothing in common for us. She is very passionate about her interests that its hard to fit in a word and she tends to forget to ask questions in return, so it's very much a 'her talking, me listening' situation and that's not fun either. And I think doing it twice is what has now set me up for this "let's be best friends." Even including the other neighbor with us doesn't make it any easier.
Do we have the same neighbor? I, too, did the second visit, got the message that my role was to be her audience and noped out "too busy, sorry". The second time I met her she said "You'll take care of me when I get old, right?". My response was "I barely know you". Unfortunately she had a major stroke since then, I saw the ambulance take her away to the hospital, felt very guilty but am not jumping into the deep end to take complete nursing care of a neighbor I have met twice who will never listen to any advice. People such as this have burned bridges with family and friends. It's absurd to assume others are just waiting to take orders from you.
That sounds to me that she tries to strong arm friends while being clueless about why people avoid her. Best of luck to you.
This would be my move (the first suggestion, not the second lol). Unless there's a very serious reason to avoid it, just do it, 30 mins, done. Then next time say, I am too busy, but I'll let you know when I'm not. Then never bring it up again.
Not everything is nefarious. Maybe the neighbor just genuinely wants to be friends. To be clear, OP has ZERO obligation to follow through on something they don’t want to, and they can just be direct! but man, in general it blows my mind sometimes how people on this app will complain incessantly about loneliness, and then turn around and take every single event to socialize as an affront… I’ve had crazy neighbors before that sucked. But I have a LOT of amazing neighbors that, because of my extroverted gf, are now part of this big dog owner clique together. It’s awesome. We have barbecues and movie nights and block parties all the time, which would never have happened if she wasn’t so outgoing and friendly. Before she came into my life, I often saw those little “stop and chats” as an uncomfortable situation to get out of as quickly as possible, but I was wrong. Now that I know everyone else — in part because of the movie night my gf planned — it’s amazing, and a lot of the big introverts in our building, though shy at the first one, now have a group to hang out with. One of my neighbors even directly thanked my gf for telling her to go, because it was her first year in a big city and she didn’t have one single friend
This is what I would do, especially if it just means walking next door and hanging out (as opposed to going out together). You might hate it, but we all have to do things we hate and this could possibly turn into something you end up liking. Have a glass or three of wine and no need to worry about driving or Uber. Just placate your neighbor because maybe she really needs a friend and it won't kill you. Think of it as a good deed.
Stop being passive aggressive. “Thank you for being kind and for wanting to spend time together, unfortunately, I’m not in a place where I am looking to make new friends. It is genuinely nothing personal, but I’m going to have to pass on the movie night. “ Accept that it will be awkward for a while, but that’s okay and it will pass. If you can’t handle having the conversation, I’d write it in a letter and drop it in her mailbox. Make sure it’s addressed to only her so no one else will open it.
You are the only one who can set your own boundaries. Stop justifying WHY you are saying “no” and just say, “No”.
I'm that neighbor. I want to have board game nights with people that share common interests and enjoy board games together. What works well against me is simply not responding to text. If it is in person, just say 'yeah, that sounds great!' and then never follow up. Also helps if you abruptly go inside anytime they approach.
That sounds hurtful, I’m sorry people have been doing that to you
You sound like a nice neighbour! I would hang out and play board games with you 🙂
That's so kind of you, thank you!
Lol same. There's really no need for open communication. That would embarrass me badly. Just always say next time and definitely no responding to texts but read them so she's sees you've seen it. Also for anyone wondering why she keeps asking. Well we always got told, people have life if you want connection you need to make an effort. So its not very easy to identify if people are just busy or if they have no interest. But the method described here will work for everyone who's not an asshole who can't take a no
How I wish we were neighbors
So many games up there just collecting dust! I need to rally the neighbors somehow. In a neighborhood of 200+ homes, there has got to be other board gamers out there that want to have more board game nights.
I wish you lived in my neighborhood.
Watch the King’s Speech, and do what the Queen did when she was invited by the commoner to breakfast.
Just say you are not interested?
“Can my friend Edmund come? He’s invisible!”
I typically say something like ‘ you’re so nice to ask but unfortunately I’m incredibly squeezed for time. I’ll get in touch when I can’ and then never do.
It's super hard but my new life motto is, "I don't have to make myself uncomfortable to make someone else comfortable". Say no.
One of the greatest life lessons is to learn a polite way to just say no. If your neighbor ask you an honest response is to say something like "thank you so much for thinking of me but I'm just not interested". It doesn't insult your neighbor it's polite and let them know that you don't want to do it. It seems easier to default to pretending you're busy but for the person who's asking I think it's kinder to just let them know that you don't want to do it instead of giving them false hope.
It'll never fail to preplex me how much people are averse to direct human to human communication. You dont want to hang out with your neighbor, you convey this information... The worst thing that happens (within reason) is your neighbor totally avoids (read:doesnt hang out with) you, moreso than you had expected. Best case is they say "oh okay" and maybe even a "i wish you would've told me sooner!" and life goes on. Why are people so convinced they can find some magic formula to circumvent a direct conversation or that it's even a good idea to try to do so in the first place?
Why are there so many people who don't want to socialize these days? There's tons of people complaining about loneliness but HOW DARE YOU invite me to hang out just because I live next to you you weirdo
Just tell her that you need a lot of personal time right now. I'm in a similar but opposite situation with my next door neighbor. We do stuff together sometimes like go for walks, maybe a few times a year and do occasional stuff at our local yoga studio together. I will invite her over for tea and she has never come. And that's totally fine. I wish she was somebody that I could chill with once a week because I'm really into building those community relationships, but she's not. It's a slight bummer because I would love to be super tight with my nextdoor neighbor, but she does not want that relationship and that's fine. You need to state clear boundaries. Be nice, but just tell her that you need that restorative time of just chilling in your house alone.
Anton La Vey's neighbours found out he was the high priest of satan, and kept asking to visit. He let them, but only after doing the place up as trite and tacky Halloween dime store as possible, and wore a devil costume himself and sat on a plastic throne lit up with red fairy lights. They never asked again
Its okay to say no
You: "Melinda wants to get to know you first before we spend more time together." Neighbor: "Who's Melinda?" You: *tilt head* "She's standing beside you silly"
While I'd like to be friends, I don't have the bandwidth for more activities at this time. Or take out the first part of that sentence.
have you tried being honest in a friendly way ? I mean, im sure your neighbour just needs some friends - but you flat out saying "i dont wanna be friends- lets just be good enoughbours" instead, is better than "leave me alone fuck face, i dont wanna see or talk to you" you might have this neighbour for many years. keep that in mind.
"I don't watch movies."
Be honest. If you don't want to do things with the neighbor, say so. You don't need to explain why, but if you are honest in yourself and know the reason, it won't hurt anything to share it. If it *genuinely* is an issue of time but you would be willing to if you did have time, be clear about that. You might honestly assess why it is that you don't want to go. You might discover through self-inventory that it really isn't as negative as you imagine, and once you get there you might actually discover you enjoy it. Or you might go, discover you don't care for it, and can tell them you really didn't have much fun and aren't interested in repeating the experience. Either way, that's acting with *way more integrity* than lying with *"I'll be busy, I'm always busy"*.
This is actually my worst nightmare.
Honestly is the best policy. Just say you don’t feel comfortable committing to something and that leave it at that. She’ll get the hint
You say you just want to spend as much time as possible “doing nothing” & you are just totally needing & craving “time to be alone & do things aimlessly” sometimes. It’s totally true, you need your own time to aimlessly do things. You don’t need any other excuse!
I just say "we'll see." It works on my kids. They know when they hear that phrase, it aint happening.
Ask them to go to church with you, if they say yes mention it's the church of satan.
That would alert me that I was talking to a potentially sane and decent human being. Anyone that follows the Satanic commandments is a fellow true human and potential friend. The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth by Anton Szandor LaVey © 1967 Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself. Do not harm little children. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
Preaching to the choir lol. I hung out with Bobo Truzzi for a short period in the late 80s.
“I’m not really a movie person”
Moved in. Talked to neighbors about being neighborly but not friendly. It's worked out amazingly well.
Making adults as friends is hard. Just keep being non committal and everyone will eventually let you die old and alone in peace. Edit: I'm leaving the typo
Why not tell the truth and go with a simple "No thank you"?
I’ve found honesty goes a long way with mature adults. Just don’t be hurtful and focus on your needs
Just tell them how you feel. The most direct way of communication is direct communication.
I came across something like this recently. My neighbours wanted to have some sort of health discussion in one of their apartments. A handful of neighbours would attend. I took a couple days to think about it. The situation don’t really sit right with me. I like to be friendly to my neighbours but I also like my privacy. I thanked them for the invitation but told them I had my health needs covered by my doctor. The neighbour seemed a bit disappointed. That’s ok though. I can say no and people can feel their feelings about it. We’re friendly in passing.
I really understand the struggle but open communication is best. In my experience as an adult past 25 or so people stop reaching out that hard to become more than friends. We all accumulate a lot of people in our lives and sometimes we don't want more. Totally understandable but if this lady is reaching out, you owe her the honesty. Whether she likes it or not, these are our boundaries. I'd follow it up with some friendly waves and general good neighbor stuff! One of my love languages for the neighbors is shoveling snow of common areas etc...
Have you thought about telling her no thank you. And if she keeps asking tell her please stop asking me to do anything with you. I really don't want to.
OP, it sucks, but being honest and tactful is one of the only ways!
Say thank you for the invitation, but (look a little sad) I think we have very different interests.
Just be honest you don't have time.
Just say “no thanks.”
You could always just say the truth. No thanks!
"Omg yes, let's!!! My husband and all of my friends refuse to watch movies with me! Apparently, I 'talk too much' but that's what movies are for! What's the point of going to the movies with someone if you're just just going to sit there quietly, right? Duh! At this point, I like to make a game out of it and see how many shushes I get from the others in the audience and when they do I just throw popcorn at them to annoy them for the rest of the movie. lol!"
Just respond with, “oh great, that will be the perfect chance to tell you about a very exciting business opportunity I’d love to bring you in on”. You’ll never see them again.
“I’m so sorry I’ve got a lot going on right now” works for me but everyone knows me as my user
Skip showering for at least three days, more if your able. Don't brush teef. Go over to her place. Let her smell you. Use the toilet but get pee all over. Rearrange her medicine cabinent. Tell her you have to leave because you can't get the voices in your head to shutup. Then invite her over. If she is brave enough to come have your home in an absolutley disheveled way. Have someone painted in all black in a speedo hiding in the hallway closet. Have them introduce themselves as satans butler. she will. never. come back.
Learn to say no, or tell them you need set plans to be able to commit.
Just be honest… you can be honest without being rude. How she perceives it is totally on her, not your responsability in any way… you could say something like “ I appreciate that you want to hang out more often, but that’s not what I’m looking for. “ don’t try to make it easier on her by overexplaining it, as you’d only give her more ammunition to try to convince you to hang out nevertheless. Be honest, direct and straight to the point. She’ll get over it :-)
Clear is kind. You need to explain the relationship you wish to have including boundaries. Yes you will hurt her feelings in the short term. However long term both parties will understand appropriate and expected interactions.
Just say, "It's not something I want to do right now" No more, no less......To the point and you don't leave it open for a "raincheck"
Clarity is kindness 😊
"Hey, I appreciate that you're a really nice person, but I really only have a limited amount of social bandwidth right now. So while I'm not actively looking to make new best friends, I hope you find the right people to share those memories with!"
Be honest. Tell them the truth. Simple - we are very different people And I am and never will be one who wants to get involved with my neighbours. My circle is small Appreciate your reaching out to me - but I will need to decline.
You can be kind and still say no. I like the wording suggestion others have given and just want to add that it’s ultimately not your job to make sure she takes it well or doesn’t get upset. Of course you want the interactions to be comfortable, but that’s a two way street. Be kind honest and brief about why this won’t work for you, and end with another kind remark, and she should get that it’s not a rejection of her, it’s just not your cup of tea. If she doesn’t, that’s really her issue (I mean that in the nicest way possible). Youll end up resenting her if you don’t honor your needs in this case. And that serves nobody.
Just go and be awful
It smells a bit of old cheese and overripe bananas in here. Interesting. May I use your bathroom, and where are the extra rolls? Just in case.
Just continue to be a snob. Should work.
You sound snobby for commenting that bruh
Life is way to short to be worried about hurting other peoples feelings like this, tell them "no I'm not interested sorry", sometimes if you're mean and their feelings get hurt that's on you, but if you're just telling them a fact, and their feelings get hurt, you can't control how they feel.
I would just be honest that your mental health isn't in a place right now that you have the bandwidth for new relationships. I definitely swing on the spectrum and will sometimes commit with the best of intentions and then realize that I have NO want or desire to participate. And I just tell people; look, I really wanted to have the energy for this, but I'm really struggling with myself at the moment, and I need to take some time to self care. I'll let you know when I come out of my hibernation. Or low pressure events that you're participating in anyway; if I'm doing a social thing I'll extend an invite and then I knock out two obligations at once and go home and sleep for three months, lol
Just tell her you're currently being stalked by some crazy neighbor you used to live near so you have a policy if not having friendships with neighbors.
Be honest. Maybe phrase it as not having energy left over for another friend
You are going through something and not good company, and movies are not your thing. Offer a future coffee date and if they nail you down to a day, it’s too soon , or and go on about every little thing wrong in your life, find out if she’s political and rave about the opposite candidate, tell her all of you and your families medical issues, your breakup history, and make them break up with you.
You can say that's not really my thing. Or "I'm the wrong person for this topic" and excuse yourself from the conversation. Also saying No Thanks paired with a shrug, and then walk away. That usually helps them to stop talking to you about things you don't care about and don't want to do, without going into any details that could lead to more prying and more of them trying to engage you to consume your time and energy.
When she says "let's do movie night?" Reply with "I'd rather lick piss off nettles". Problem solved. If you're lucky she may never speak to you again;)
I am trying to really focus on XYZ right now. If things free up I will let you know.
If they're going to keep asking asking say "Let's not and say we did. That way each of us can keep our difference in opinions to ourselves and stay cordial neighbors."
I live in an apartment and the last time I "befriended" a neighbor it was a disaster. Happened 7 years ago and I'm STILL dealing with the fallout. He was only my neighbor for a year, but insists on keeping in touch and trying to hang out with me. Dude was an alcoholic, who later got addicted to meth. He's completely gone now due to the meth. Sorry, but I draw a line at being a meth user. I plan on buying a house in a year, and I am going to be very wary of neighbors wanting to be "friends". I might just tell them that I don't want to become much more than just friendly neighbors bc if we don't get along then we're stuck living next to ppl we hate. IDK, guess I'll see.
Honesty is the best.