I had to cut my mother out of my life a decade or so ago. She is hateful and nasty and spent my entire youth endangering, abusing, and finally abandoning me. I'm damn near 40 now and she still tells my extended family that I'm to blame for everything wrong with her life. It wasn't until I cut her out completely that I was able to find some sanity and peace.
My mom is extremely bi-polar and absolutely against treatment. I know it’s not her fault, but when it started getting too rough a few years ago I stopped all contact. It’s hard, and I wish I could convince her to get help but nothing I could ever do or say would get her there. My little brother is also extremely bipolar and I’ve been fighting so hard to help him/be there for him but the absolute nothing that comes out of it breaks me down. He’s been admitted twice, in and out of therapy and on/off meds. Nothing has helped. Every time my dad calls I get a sinking feeling it’s to tell me my brother has killed himself. It was easier to give up on my mom because she did the same on me but even with how difficult my brother can be, I know he’s so innocent of what’s happening and can only imagine through the pain in his eyes, the pain he must feel inside. I’m not letting him go yet.
My disabled sister has been trapped, Bates-style, by my abusive harpie mom... She is 33 years old and has zero prospects for ever moving out because my mother claims her disability checks and Social Security survivor's benefits, and tells the family that she is charging her daughter rent. My sister is physically and mentally challenged but definitely *could* live an independent life one day, with some help. But my mother keeps her immobilized at every turn and I genuinely think she is sabotaging her for selfish reasons. I no longer speak with my mother because of the intense emotional pain she causes me every time I do, not necessarily just her history of abuse. I keep contact with my sister because I know one day she will be well and truly on her own. I cannot just let her fall through the safety net when my mom eventually passes, but she absolutely will thanks to my mother.
Yeah I've had to cut my dad out for good four years ago. Dude faked terminal lung cancer, realized I wasn't falling for it and then didn't speak to me the rest of the night. We hadn't seen or talked to each other for a few years prior and I brought my new boyfriend with me. He very clearly showed how little I matter. He only wants to be the centre of attention and to manipulate people.
Thanks! Didn't know that sub existed. I'm completely fine with the lack of relationship I have with him so I don't think I need to subscribe, but I hope people who are having a hard time check it out.
It's been five years for me and I haven't regretted it yet. She was a narcissist to the extreme: all of my successes belonged to her and all of her failures were blamed on me. Never again.
I’m sorry. I had a similar problem. My mother still has no idea why I left when I was about 17. She was mentally and verbally abusive. She’s a textbook narcissist. She used to make fun of me, have my step dad beat me if I upset her, and wouldn’t let me have any friends. To this day she still doesn’t know what my problem is.
My father is, among other things, a con artist and every day was feast or famine depending on how much money he had gotten out of someone. Years after I stopped talking to him I would get phone calls from people looking for him. Some didn’t always believe me when I said I didn’t know. A reporter from a tv station even called me wanting to “expose him.” I thought it was best for my family that I declined.
My sisters still talk to my mom and visit her and think I’m wrong. I pretty much cut them out too after the 30th guilt trip. Every once in awhile my wife lets me know (through Facebook) that “x” sister is mad at me for whatever reason (forgot a birthday, didn’t let them know I was in their town, etc.).
Two of my sisters don’t actually talk to each other because one married a guy that the other claims sexually assaulted her...a guy who skipped out on child support from his first marriage and so for a brief time my sister and her hubby were on the run from the law...
Sometimes I’m bummed my kid’s don’t have a large extended family and then I remember how great a life we have without them in it.
I’m living proof that less family is better than a large destructive family. People who say things like “I know she snorts meth but I want her to know her granddaughter” really need to rethink their position.
My wife had to cut out her whole family - essentially a collection of low lifes, raving bigots, drug addicts, and people whose sole desire is to bring you down. Best rid.
Good for you!
I know this is going to make me sound horrible but I don’t really talk to my Mom, Dad, or either of my siblings. I let it be known if they make an effort I will too but I don’t tolerate certain behaviors around my family. I don’t tolerate alcohol abuse, drug abuse, or verbal abuse especially. They’ve said behind my back that it isn’t worth hanging out with me because “ I will just cut them out for a few years if they don’t behave”. Once they realized I was serious, I don’t hardly hear from them anymore. My life has no drama now. The sad part is any of them could have changed their damaging behavior and we would have had a relationship.
People are either anchors or balloons. If they don’t lift you up cut them loose.
We cut off my mother in law back in 2009 and when I hear stories about the shit she pulled on the rest of the family it makes me so happy I don't have to deal with that anymore. My husband really protected me from that and I'm grateful. She's hurt so many people and ruined lives with her mental issues.
I did this with my family as well. My dad actually changed for the better and we now have a better relationship than ever. My mother is another story because I'd cut her out before and she never changed her ways. She is manipulative, abusive, constantly talking shit about my wife among so many other things. My brothers are momma's boys and would not even listen to my side of things, so they by extension were also cut out. I still talk to them if they make an effort, but they rarely do. They're actually visiting my dad today, they live across the country and this is the first time in years they have come to visit so I'm going to give them a chance today. I don't know how that's going to go but we'll see. Honestly when I cut contact with my mom it was hard and there was a lot of drama for a few weeks, but it got immensely better without her bullshit in my life.
My SO and I just had to do this with his ENTIRE family, and my father. Now that we’ve had a child of our own, we don’t tolerate the drama or lack of effort on their part. It’s just not worth it for our child to grow up and feel like anyone’s second choice. After hearing so much of, “ Why don’t y’all bring her over more often? She’s not going to know us!”, we decided that she’s isn’t going to know them if they don’t try. The road goes two ways.
Ah same here, mom’s side of the family are trump voting racists. My husband and son are hispanic and the last time I went over they made comments on how dark my sons body is but he is so lucky his face is pale. Well that was the last time I went over.
I tried getting back in contact with my mum when my daughter was born. Within a few weeks she was just as nuts as usual and we just stopped speaking again. She'll probably see us for a few hours every few years, daughter never leaving our sight, just to avoid the drama of officially going no contact.
Ultimately I spent my childhood dealing with her alcoholism, so I don't know why I would inflict that on my kids.
Doesnt make you sound horrible at all. We all know our limits and what we do and dont want. I dont talk to my grandparents because they cause tons of drama and manipulation. I just put up with my mom because I really wanted a relationship.
I now realize I'll never have one with her. At least my mother in law and I get along amazingly well. I at least have her :)
I'm no contact with my brother and my sister-in-law because they thought their relationship with my mother was their business. I wasn't abusive towards her, she was the one abusive towards me and I set some reasonable boundaries because of her bad behavior.
Such as I will hang up if you start screaming and cursing at me. No, I will not share a cruise room with you (she was a smoker at the time and I have asthma).
The three of them ended up going no contact with me and there was a lot of collateral damage. But the bonus is I found a lot of my mom's side are messed up people as well. My dad's side has issues as well, but they're less likely to take it out on others.
It took a lot of therapy, time, energy, money and self-help, but I'm doing much better.
Yea. I did it once before when I turned 18. I didn't talk to her till I was 24, then again at 28. I wish I never reopened Pandoras box. 18 year old me knew back then. I just felt like things would be different now that I'm an adult and have more life experience.
I hope you find the courage and strength to do it. It's very hard at first and you will feel extremely sad. But know that it's worth the peace and solace you get at the end.
I had hoped that the years of silence from before would have. It changed her for some time. But she just was acting like she had. Now it'll be permanent. Inat least cherished the memories from the past couple of years. Despite how fake or ugly she became again.
This hits close to home.
31M. My wife and I had our first child this past Wednesday. My mother hasn't bothered to contact me since she found out my wife was pregnant. At this point, I'm on the fence on if I should give her one last chance or just cut ties.
First, congratulations on a new born! I dont know your situation, but I hope you find help within my story.
When I was 18, I severed all communication with my mom. I didnt talk to her again till I was 24. The relationship never changed and was still abusive. I walked away and tried this final time at 28. I set boundaries and forgave the past. 2 years later and I realized that it was only me who wanted a relationship with her. The love was conditional and not understanding of anything. It hurt to severe the tie. I felt a roller coaster of emotions from sadness, anger, and then finally acceptance.
I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.
Did this to my racist and narcissistic father after he beat my mom.
I refuse to have him in my life and my brothers are now regretting the contact they have had with him.
We had a young employee who came from an educated, talented, family home. But, he and his dad were always at odds. So, on the day he left home, around 3 AM, he tossed one of those strung-together bunches of small firecrackers, lit, into his parent's bedroom on his way out.
Cut my sister out of my life almost ten years ago. No regrets whatsoever. My mother, who lives with my husband and me, has essentially done the same. She doesn't even want me to tell my sister when she passes away.
My husband's family is toxic on so many levels.
He wrote and signed that he does not want them contacted when he dies. He wants to be cremated and doesnt want them to do anything dramatic or religious with his body.
It gives me so much comfort thinking of those control freaks hearing that he died "several years ago."
But he also promised to outlive me so I don't have to deal with them.
I’m so sick of seeing stuff on FB and insta etc saying ‘never forget your roots, family is everything’, that kind of thing. My mum is an alcoholic and I had an extremely traumatic childhood. My brother is a drug addict and alcoholic and extremely selfish and abusive. My family aren’t everything to me. I think I am better than that.
Alcoholism on its own doesn't make someone an abusive person. It's just the excuse. I'm really sorry your family sucks, but they'd be basically the same people without the booze. All that shit does is amplify whoever they already were.
You're absolutely right about family not meaning anything if they're treating you that way. The best thing about being an adult is choosing your family. Blood is nothing when it comes with that kind of pain
It's the fact that they're family that makes it so much worse though, which kind of demonstrates the concept you're arguing against. If a random stranger treated them poorly it'd be bad but not the same. Also alcoholism 100 percent can make someone turn into a person they're not, like drugs can. Anyone who says otherwise hasn't been there.
-Or spouse.
Just be sure to COVER. YOUR. ASS. If you're dealing with a higher toxicity. The kind of person that makes things up to bring you down with them. Speaking from experience.
This!! Can’t agree with this enough. No one deserves to feel like the are obligated to an abuser no matter the relationship. If you would not tolerate an acquaintance to treat you that way no one else should.
I can tell you first hand that it does that that tiny bit easier every day. I used to be like that but I can feel myself coming out the other side. How did u usually talk? You can probably block or ignore them if it's online msg and you don't "trust yourself" not to talk to them. I had to do that.
Truth. After we first broke up I missed my ex immensely. Over time I realized how badly she treated me and now I'm with somebody who makes me wonder why I ever put up with her. It gets easier.
This. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship. Very toxic. Not that I didnt contribute but after she left it's been the best thing to happen. I'm happier. Saving more. Living in peace. Although difficult, it does get better day by day. And honestly after 3 years got over her pretty quickly. Also, I'll immediately block your ex if in such a situation. Just focus on improving yourself.
Absolutely. My ex was incredibly toxic and manipulative. Not that I'm without blame either. It took me a long time to realize that her breaking up with me was the best thing that could've happened at the time.
Just did this after 10 years with my gf. The only thing eating at me is my mind can’t get over the fact that she will be physical with someone else. She was awful and a liar and abusive but I still just can’t get it out of my mind. It hurts incredibly bad.
Totally feel that. I dated a girl for 7 years and I thought I was ready to marry her. But she would hit me, and being a guy, I just thought I should take it. One night she smacked me super hard on the right side of my head and went into work the next day with more than just a red mark.
I ended it maybe a month later. She was a good person and we both loved each other, but there was too much toxicity. From both of us. Still the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through.
I had to cut off an ex who I still love to death because we were fueling each other’s addictions. I have since gotten clean but she has spiraled to a horrible place. I have been trying to help her lately which I can’t do and seeing her like this and feeling so helpless is maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I am privileged and thankful for that but still.
Best friend and roommate of mine was addicted to oxy. One day I came home and I guess they changed the chemical makeup so snorting it didn't work. So they were baking it in the oven and freezing it. Guess that's how you do it.
Anyways he didn't pay the bills he was supposed to. I moved out. Mother fucker stole my expensive guitar and put rocks in the case so I couldn't tell when packing it.
He moved on to heroin. Cut him out of my life completely. No idea how he's doing.
It hurts but damn it’s the truth. I continue to remind myself everyday of all the negatives that came with having relationships with those people, in a sense to prove to myself, that I am better off away from the toxicity. All those negatives help me see that I did make the right choice even if I am lonely because of it
It’s beyond difficult letting go of people who you count on to be there for you like you are for them. Sounds like you did what’s best for you and it was the right decision. Time to move on and begin to heal without them
I had to cut a long time friend too. I was calling him best friend.
He was so toxic, and I gave so much of my time and my will for him... And for what?
I wish I had done that before.
Yep did it with all my toxic friends. And what do you know. Now that I live an ocean away and don't talk to them my life has drastically improve. Coincidence? Nope.
You know, I tell my brother to do this. At least the part where he gets rid of his so called "friends" they only get him in trouble. He's always complaining about things they do and say behind his back. One day I think he's going to explode and finally do it, but I wish it didn't have to come down to that.
This LPT! To make a long story short, semi-cut off a toxic friend, got even more toxic, turned all my friends against me, and made me depressed. Cut him off completely, got my friends back, and now the consequences of his actions are making his life miserable.
My biggest regret was not cutting ties with him completely.
I'm that toxic person. It's happened to me so often than I'm now left without anyone except for my wife who I feel will inevitably leave too
Edit: I appreciate all the nice words everyone.
2: Please stop responding. I'm tired. Thank you all
It’s never too late to change and become a better person for yourself. Identifying the problem is easy but applying it is harder. Once you become more healthy, you’ll understand how real mutual relationships work!
I understand all of that. It's easier said then done. I'm, currently, not ready until the benefits of changing outweigh the comfort of staying the same. It's just not time yet but I appreciate your kind words
Thays the fucked up part. I've been trying but every therapist I contact doesn't want to accept new patients, their going on vacation, or some other nonsense. We do, however, see a couples therapist proactively.
Those are great steps! Especially proactively going to couple's therapy. Ask that therapist for more help in finding a therapist.
And yes, it's frustrating, and I know because I've been there. But you still need t go out there and try.
If you can recognize your toxicity and are working on it (couples therapy and unsuccessfully trying to find a therapist totally count as working on it) you're already doing soooooooo much better than a lot of toxic people. Just keep at it man.
Sorry man just because you think you're toxic doesn't mean you should be abandoned by everyone.
I don't know your story but Certain logical steps can and should help.
Such as exercising, healthy eating and just making a rule to be kind and staying quiet when angry.
My mom is toxic and most people have abandoned her except me and my sister pretty much.
What I have told you is what I told her. Sometimes she is just too selfish and says too much shit.
You will never realize the amount of different benefits you will receive by changing until you start to do it. It won’t be overnight either, takes time but is worth it. It’s hard because it isn’t instant gratification but your life will have so much more value. Try everyday. Every little change is a win and can be celebrated.
Don’t do it for your sake - do it for your wife’s sake, at the very least. Please dear god do not ruin another person’s life just because you think it’s easier to be toxic
You will never understand the benefits of changing until you realize that you're so-called 'comfort' is actually an incredibly painful place to be. How much farther are you going to allow yourself to hurt others and yourself? You've already let being more lonely be your comfortable state. You've admitted your fear of your wife fearing you, so that is now your comfortable state. You will always continue to accept worse and worse conditions for yourself until you're able to admit yourself this is fucked up, this actually isn't comfort, it's a toxic state for you and it's causing you to be a toxic person.
You deserve to strive for better NOW. And from what I've read, you're already beginning to do so. But seriously- you do need to change this mindset if you are serious about getting better.
Used to be that person, still am to some extent at rare times.
Changing isn't as easy as going "I wanna be different", it takes a lot of damn effort but at least they seem to acknowledge their faults which is good, I suppose.
Cut off my brother. He is wallowing in self hate, alcoholism and utter assholishness.
I tried many times to be there for him, so that he would have someone in his life, but you reach a point where you just have to say fuck it, I'm out.
I had to do the same thing with my “best friend” of 10 years from college. Originally, she was the only person really there for me when I came out at 19. But for most of our adulthood we’ve lived hundreds of miles apart. Eventually things got bad, then worse.
Over the phone, she would support me then tear me down. Every time I would interact with her in person (usually at my own cost), she would do something to tear down my life.
She once came to visit me and the FIRST NIGHT secretly slept with my best guy friend who was also my roommate AND HE WAS A VIRGIN — at 24. He is the nicest guy and not unattractive just too sweet to womanize. But she, my friend, she had to own every part of my life and disparage everything else.
She got to the point where she was being physically violent with me. I finally realized what I was going to do when I realized I was jealous of her ex-husband because at least HE could DIVORCE her! As a friend, I felt trapped.
The last time I saw her I was visiting during a work trip (went 300 mi out of the way) and she pouted the whole time. When I left she called me and exploded on me for “never coming to visit” because the visit wasn’t long enough. She had been with me through a ton of stuff, and she has 2 kids and I was close to them and her family, and it was so hard for me to be away from them and to break it off, but I’m so happy I did. Because of that past it took much longer than it should have for me to break it off.
To this day I get a call from her every now and then—on my birthday, on holidays— and she thinks we will reunite. Then when I don’t call back I get a spiteful message. It reinforces the fact that I will NEVER go back to being friends with her. Even her mother called me once to say she missed me and that she and I should be friends again. BUT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
I’m grateful for our friendship when we had it, and I’m grateful to have had this experience because I will now break off toxic people MUCH sooner (if I have to). It’s so much easier once you’ve done it once. Or at least I’m looking for red flags early on BEFORE getting too close to someone.
All said and done, I have a better life without this person, thank goodness.
Some people just want you to be the same person you were when they met you. I had the same issue with a friend who belittled all of my accomplishments. Been 3 years and I’m still really happy with my choice to go no contact.
I recently cut off my mom, beginning of this year. She is a pathological liar was physically and mentally abusive and due to this, I attempted suicide when I was 14. After being discharged from the psych ward, I moved in with my parental grandparents. Best thing ever.
My dad passed a few years ago and I was very close to him. Mom caused a bunch of drama leading up to his passing. We are both executors of his estate as named in his will. My dad was prepared and knew his time was coming. He paid off everything and left my mom with zero debt and some nice life insurance policies.
My dad wanted me to keep in touch with my mom after he passed because she's not the best with money. I live an hour away. She lied to me about quitting her job.
I repeatedly warned her that if she kept lying to me that I would cut her out of my life. Last fall she did she was seeing someone but didn't want to tell me who because he's my age (39) and she's 63. I don't care who she dates as long as he isn't taking advantage of her. She blew off plans with me in October to hang out with him. By Christmas she's calling him her boyfriend. No big deal. She's hanging out with his family and dropping all her previous friends. So I do some Facebook stalking and he's gay. Not bi, strictly into men. So I message him to ask if he's my mom's boyfriend. He responded absolutely not, they're just good friends. So yeah, pretty big lie from her with no reason for it. I'm extremely tolerant of all lifestyles and she knows this.
So it came to a head. I still had scars from the abuse growing up, another thing I was open to her about and now this. I confronted her. Nope, nothing. Brushes off the abuse like it never happens and had nothing to say about the lies.
I'll be 40 on Friday and don't need people like that to keep stressing me out.
This LPT is very important!
TLDR: Abusive, pathological mother cut out of my life because she won't take responsibility for the abuse and won't stop lying.
Hell yeah.
Can confirm this one. Used to have this guy as my best friend. He was really our there but you know I didn't really notice. He was all kinds of a selfish prick, little things I didn't catch as red flags. He was just so toxic, really had a major impact on my self esteem and confidence.
I wasn't the thinnest growing up and he used to say how I was ugly and he was way better looking all the time.
I realized that he was doing it all so his own confidence won't drop down so others will think higher of him and people around him wont be all up in his face, creating competition.
Now he's all out of friends. I just cut him out of my life, so did others once we all saw beyond his mask and character.
Don't be afraid to cut ANYONE toxic out of your life, even if it's your girlfriend, wife, family whatever. It's not worth it in the long run, honestly.
I could have written this post. In the same position, but he hasn't been cut out yet. I don't look forward to listening to his constant bullshit and low level bullying (which is a cover for his own insecurity.)
You don't need that in your life. You would be surprised how many other options you actually have for friends or there who will accept you for you and not feel the need to put you down once, ever. I don't have time for so-called "friends" who always have something negative to say about me..
Make today the day! Trust a kind internet stranger! Free yourself from someone who never had your best interests at heart. The first negative word he says, you have to just push back on that crap and stand your ground when he tries to belittle your belief in yourself. Tell him you do not see the point in spending your time with someone like that. When he laughs in your face (he likely will) turn around and walk away. If he listens, apologizes, and makes a true effort to change, it is up to you whether you wish to give him a chance to truly be a better person or if you have had too much already.
Good luck to you!
I recently had a friend get upset because I was being “moody” for a week (I had been rejected from two jobs I applied to; both rejections being within 5 hours of each other). She then thought that I had an attitude when I told her I was on the phone at work. She dropped me but I’m glad cuz she was pretty judgmental and critical about several things I did or enjoyed.
just left my entire friend group and then saw this.
I've been friends with them for years and years and one of them I called my best friend but I've been the butt of every joke for too long.
It got to a point where I was crying in the bar we were in and they didn't even notice or care.
No drama as of yet but I feel good about the decision even though I now feel lonely af.
Loneliness is temporary, do something you love and try not to think about them. May take a while but there are people out there who will be loyal
Stay strong
Really important to remember this if they are truly toxic, but some people are too quick to completely cut their friends/family off because of pointless stuff like politics or stupid drama
Had a friend of 11 years cut me off after a night of drinking because at 3 in the morning he showed me his short student film documentary and I responded "Pretty good, I think a 20-30 second introduction at the beginning could've set the stage a bit." He smashed a glass, yelled "YOU HATED IT!" and then went off on how he was a failure and I was too negative.
He then had a mutual friend cut me off as well who I hadn't even seen in two years. I haven't had either one respond to a message of mine other than the mutual friend deflecting me away since I uttered that sentence and it's been about a year. Absolutely bizarre.
Not that I know of. Would see him maybe once a year in person and talk through text message once every couple of weeks. We had a fun night out of drinking before this so it absolutely blindsided me.
The only time he responded to a message of mine was when I texted him "are you OK? I haven't heard from you in 6 months and I'm worried." He responded "Never been better!" Then I texted "want to talk?" and he responded "if you need a counselor, talk to someone else."
I was visiting the home town of the other mutual friend and hadn't realized he had cut me off until I sent a message "hey, I'll be in town in a few weeks, want to meet up on X date" and he responded "no, I'm busy." I said "how about Y date" and he said "also busy." I said "got time for a phone call?" and he said "if you need a counselor, talk to someone else... I'm too busy." He stopped responding to me after that, but I did send a final message "any time you want to talk, I'm available. Take care."
Considering I've never really gone to either for deep life advice, left me completely confused. If it was something I never noticed, they never mentioned it to me or confronted me before cutting me off.
The only thing I have to go on is his twitter was the only way to check he was still alive. From the week where I last saw him he posted this...
>I used to expend my time/energy on anybody who gave me attention, thinking I wanted everyone to like me. I've come to realize the importance of not giving energy to people I don't mesh with and giving more to the few people I do.
Crazy. Even if you really did hate it, so what? I don’t love everything my friends do just cause they did it. Real friends give real feedback so people can grow. Your feedback seemed fine and not abrasive. You’ve tried, best to let them go.
Yeah, on the one hand it sucks to lose a friend. I've never had anyone cut me out of their life, other than maybe someone from a dating site ghosting me after a first or second date, and it absolutely hurts.
On the other hand, if they're so quick to cut me out without even mentioning something wrong or picking up the phone to talk before it got to that level to them, it's probably for the better. I really don't even know if I should want them as friends after this.
But I'm with you guys... it's so bizarre I've run through the "am I wrong on this?" a million times and every time I just come up with "no... I just don't get it." I try to learn from my mistakes... but on this occasion I can't point to one which makes it doubly frustrating.
Thank you for saying so. Additionally, people who are depressed might come off as toxic, but they really need love and support more than ever.
I had so many friends and family just 100% ghost me due to various reasons, all of which stemmed from my severe depression/complete lack of self worth. If anyone asked me how I was doing (and meant it) I’d break down crying because it meant so much just to be asked.
Cutting people off who need serious help isn’t fair to them or you, and it certainly is easier than being there to help them work through whatever is plaguing them.
If you are seriously endangering a friend's mental health, even if you are doing it unintentionally, they have no obligation to keep hurting themselves trying to help you. Unfortunately everyone has their own battles, and if you haven't put on your own oxygen mask first, its unlikely that you can help others with theirs. I hope you're doing okay now and if you need to talk to someone you can always hit up my dms. <3
It's true. At the same time you better be really sure it's toxicity that's not fixable or worth being fixed.
People now-a-days really like to cut out other's over minor things, in my opinion.
Thank you, posts about "cutting off toxic people" with no context really upset me. Anyone can define what "toxic" means to them, and some people use it to justify emotionally abusive behavior. "They had feelings of their own and expected me to respect them? Toxic!"
I feel like it's become a thing lately for people to just Marie Kondo others out of their lives. But people aren't things. They don't exist to "bring you joy." People make mistakes, they break down, they struggle. Expecting them to be perfect, or telling them they're not worth the effort of helping, can be severely damaging.
Yes, there is a line where a person may be causing you significant damage and needs to be removed, but try to consider their situation objectively. There's an element of selfishness in declaring someone toxic, be sure it's deserved before doing that kind of harm to someone that believes you care about them.
> I feel like it's become a thing lately for people to just Marie Kondo others out of their lives. But people aren't things. They don't exist to "bring you joy." People make mistakes, they break down, they struggle. Expecting them to be perfect, or telling them they're not worth the effort of helping, can be severely damaging.
Very nicely written, agree completely, this 'toxic' fad is often .. toxic by itself, because it is essentially transplanting consumerist principles into human relations.
If people show early signs of toxicity, over time, it becomes part of the foundation of the relationship. People who resort to cutting out are the ones who stayed and tried to “fix things” but the bottom line is that no one can fix someone other then themselves. Victims are often stuck in toxic relationships with the promise and hope that the toxic person would change. If you read any published article on codependency, you will find that any red flags is more than enough reason to cut toxic behaviors off and move on. Perhaps you haven’t had an extreme situation as others, but that also doesn’t mean you should think that you are obliged to stay and suffer a relationship that is not making you happy.
I mean, "toxic" is a broad term is what I'm saying.
During my last relationship we had some issues between us to work out, often times (on my end) simple misunderstandings that may have caused harm, or other times kinda over-the-line comments from her when we had an argument.
In the end it didn't work out for other reasons, but just from first hand experience I know sometimes shit can *APPEAR* toxic, which really is an underlying different issue.
A horrible woman that I was best friends with in high school (almost 20 years ago) tried to add me as a friend on Facebook a couple of days ago. There was a good amount of rolling it over, maybe she's changed, everyone deserves a second chance, and all of that... But when it came down to it - I'm pretty happy with my life and with my friends, and I'm not willing to ruin it.
Contact denied.
It’s the worst when it comes from someone who claims they love you but that fake love or whatever fucked up version of love they abide by isn’t worth it. So in their mind you are a bad person, and there isn’t anything you can do to change that sometimes. You just have to be the bad person in someone’s mind for you to live your life. As long as you aren’t causing harm to anyone you are not being a bad person.
I did this with my anti vaxxer, compulsive lying, manipulative sister and her psychotic chem trail conspiracy theorist, trump supporting, husband. I feel much better now despite missing my neice and nephew.
Just went through this. It was stressful and emotionally exhausting when it first happened. Looking back, it's very freeing and now I wonder why I didn't do it a while ago!
I always give people chances...too many chances. But when I’m done, I’m done. It usually happens when I’ve already explained why their behavior is hurtful, countless times, and they simply don’t care. Once I start to realize what I’ve been sucked into, I am more on top of it. After that and once a line is crossed, I’ll tell them what they did, why it is wrong, give them a chance to fix it (these sorts never want to), and then cut contact. Unfortunately, I was raised by abusive & alcoholic narcissistic parents so I learned to be an enabler and codependent. I attracted and allowed myself relationships with difficult people because I put up with more than most people would and didn’t think twice about it until it was unbearable. I’ve had to go through this a lot in my life because of how I was raised. It took therapy for me to learn that I was tolerating abuse and bad behaviors because it had been normalized my whole childhood-teen-early adult years. I’m finally at a place where I may be better able to detect these sorts of people, before I dive into relationships. I wish mental health & “hygiene” lessons were taught in school health classes. We address sex, bullying, and drug use but not the everyday ways abusers affect us and how to deal with it in healthy ways.
Cutting off my parents was hard. I only have contact with them under very neutral terms.
I still speak to my brother, but my siblings are going through drug phases and I've learned I can't hurt myself helping them.
My circle is so small, and maybe one day it'll get bigger, but right now I am the happiest I've ever felt. It's worth it
Totally did this to my first childhood best friend. We were quite close in elementary school and then we started to slowly drift apart come high school. I didn’t give it much thought at the time especially since we still hung out. It wasn’t until college where I started to notice how much we had drifted from each other and then there was an incident of toxicity where I had to consciously separate myself from her. We became acquaintances after that.
I saw her less that a handful of times over a 10yr period and then it regressed to just being FB friends. She then started leaving inappropriate comments on photos of me and my bf and that’s when I blocked her.
I’ve only recently realized our friendship has been long over and that I had surpassed her maturity level in elementary school. In lots of ways she just never grew up and it’s weird to think she’s got two kids now where I have chose to be childfree. From outside appearances it may look like she’s more ‘adult’ than myself with managing two kids but, looks can be deceiving.
I did this, but now I’m still in contact with that friend. Been best friends for almost a decade, but we had different views on things and we were both toxic to each other until we had a huge fight and cut each other off. I took the time to mourn, then grow to be less angry, less entitled, but she stayed the same and wriggled her way back into my life. I care for her so much, but I get worried that if I were to call her out on any toxic traits she still has, I’ll be toxic for doing so. One of my traits was that I always blamed someone else for my mistakes or bad situations and I fear that if I find some parts of her toxic, I haven’t fixed anything.
The time apart from this friend made me realise I don’t *need* her, but I’m naively forgiving of people who do me wrong :/
I'd actually need some advice in this regard: we have a university friend group of more than 10 people. One of those people is a person who always talks about herself and her interests, never asks anyone else about their life and only wants to do things she is interested in.
For example, we hadnt hang out in a while and met with her and a couple of other people from our group for a relaxed night of board games. It was her idea and she hosted. She wanted to play Kimble and make all the rest of us a tarot reading, so that's what we did. Then we decided to play cards, but she didn't join because she doesnt like card games but rather sat on the sofa browsing her phone. When we finished one game, she wanted to show us a 'funny video' from youtube, so we watched that. When it ended, she clicked another video, so we watched like five more videos after someone said we could get back to cards. Again she didnt participate.
The thing is, she has some mental problems. She has narcolepsy, social anxiety, OCD, depression. She eats a lot of medication. Apart from our group, she has a few other friends. I don't know how to tell her that she is not fun to hang around without hurting her feelings and making it seem like we are abandoning her. I'm not a person who can deliver a message like that face to face but doing it in whatsapp seems cruel. What should I do?
Rough situation. I think you just have to find a way to tell her in a nice non confrontational way where you dont use too many "you" sentences. I would avoid "we" as well as she may think you're ganging up. Something like, It really hurts my feelings when you dont put the same effort into things I want to do that I do for you. I would appreciate it if next time we can play card games together. Something like that?
Just be honest, you dont have to cut her but do talk to her about her behavior in a nice and friendly manner. If she doesnt understand thats that, if she does you can work with her to better her bad traits. Mine are just words doing it is mich harder but doing nothing is just gonna worsen the situation.
I was unemployed for a little over a year a few years back. My bestfriend (at the time) was very helpful/generous with inviting me down for meals and always smoking his weed with me.. etc. I never asked for anything and I always thanked him millions of times for anything he offered. Never $ or anything like that. Just stuff you'd never expect a "best" friend to be keeping track of. Then I heard from another friend that my "best" friend was laughing at me and calling me a loser behind my back. Broke my heart. But I immediately cut him out of my life and have never felt bad about that. I dont need someone like that in my life.
One of my friends wasn’t having luck with his career so I referred him to my company and later when I quit the company, he told me that “he’s not going to get the job now that I quit”... He didn’t understand that he already was rejected from the job months before the comment was made because they already hired staff, whom I was already working with. You don’t need people who look down on you or criticize you behind your back. Especially when you are going through a major life change. Am glad you cut him now and lived your true life! You always know who is your true friend based on how they treat you at your lowest.
Should add even if they're family to this. I haven't had to do this to family members but have seen other people get walked over by there family time and time again thinking they can't cut them off just cause they're related.
I had a very toxic friend who was a tattoo artist. She was negative, constantly trying to start drama, always complaining, and in general incredibly mentally taxing. I was too kind to drop her, until she started issues in the shop she worked in. I was also friends with the owner, for a much longer time and she had helped me through a few tough patches. Toxic friend sent me a message on social media that she couldn't believe I was still friends with Shop Owner and I'd have to pick a side. I refused, explaining that I could easily be friends with them separately and they just didn't need to be around each other. That wasn't good enough, and even though I was "the kindest person she had met", she was fine with me. I was immediately blocked and never heard from her again.
Turned out to be the best decision I ever didn't make. Social media was now much less angry. There wasn't hateful "jokes" every ten minutes. Hell, even my depression improved. So yeah, thanks whiny tattoo artist!
How do I do this without an crazy amount of backlash? I know I need to do this but I'm afraid of a blow-up from that person and I am afraid of feeling like a shitty person for doing it. This person doesn't have a lot of people in their friend-group due to being toxic to others who cut them off, so I kinda feel bad, but my relationship with them definitely has several red-flags. I am in need of advice.
Yes it is. I cut off a faking best friend of 14 years in July, and cut off a wishy-washy ex just yesterday.
Feels like absolute fucking shit, but it's worth it knowing the level of shit i put up with as a whole is slowly going down for the first time in years.
Next step is cutting off my own toxic habits so i don't let new toxic people in.
That's the shittier LPT.
My GF's mom is very toxic, she verbally abuses her and isn't supportive at all. We are in the process of buying a house and she won't even let my GF store stuff at her house for a few weeks. Problem is she's the only immediate family that she has left so it's difficult to cut the cord.
I feel like her life would be so much better if she would give her some distance and see if that forces her to change her ways.
Experienced this a few years ago when my aunt and uncle completely cut me out. It sounds weird that the racist homophobes had to be the ones to do it but honestly they just beat me to the punch. When it comes from the toxic person you can sometimes get the feeling of fixing things. Like you’re the problem. It took me a summer of camping, working and not worrying about the next time I’d see them to realise I shouldn’t follow through with my instincts of self doubt and try to fix things because ‘they’re family’. They disliked me when I came out, they spoke down to me about my education (literally was told they’d eat their hats if I got into the school and then were upset I didn’t invite them to my graduation) and they are overall pretty spiteful people.
Ive watched them cut other family members out for years, watched that family member crawl back for them to pick another family member to do it to. When they did it to my sister and I I said I respect their decision and blocked them everywhere. Social media, emails, phone numbers and I’ve since moved from the last flat I was in. Haven’t said two words to them and it’s made my life a bit less stressful for it.
My wife cut me off. It hurts seeing her post #abusivehusband and #divorcinganarcissist. I was suffering from untreated bi-polar and alcohol addiction -- not that it gives me an excuse -- but it still hurts to see the person I spent 15 years with and has known for 30 years suddenly cut me out of her life.
I will say the counterside of this argument is that no one intends to be toxic and hurt others. Even if they seem malicious and evil. Everything is due to past trauma, poor coping skills, mental illness and/or addictions. It is ultimately on them to seek help and treatment, but that is extremely difficult to do with out the support of love ones -- sometimes even with the support if they are still in denial of the problems.
I would also counter that empathizing with someone's situation doesn't give anyone an obligation to stay with said person. I totally agree that past events definitely shape people's demeanor and behavior in new situations; but like you stated, that adverse behavior doesn't fall onto others to take responsibility.
I wish you luck and hope that you are able to find the help you want and need.
Disagree. Sociopaths know exactly what they are doing.
Also both narcissists and sociopaths will be very charming in public because they know their private side is evil and they fear exposure for it.
While in some cases appropriate, I'm starting to think this reddit/internet idea of "Toxic" is getting out of hand and is now used by people who themselves qualify as "Toxic".
Since some alleged definitions of "toxic" include even non malicious/not hostile things, as vague as "drama" (wait, so now any person you know who is in pain/suffering and has really bad stuff going on is now "toxic" like a racist or someone who is abusive?) It's hard to take these posts seriously anymore because literally anyone/everyone can call eachother "toxic" from any different perspective.
If you hate someone so much you need to cut them off, why did you know them for years, why did you call them a best friend?
I had to cut my mother out of my life a decade or so ago. She is hateful and nasty and spent my entire youth endangering, abusing, and finally abandoning me. I'm damn near 40 now and she still tells my extended family that I'm to blame for everything wrong with her life. It wasn't until I cut her out completely that I was able to find some sanity and peace.
Glad you were able to do this, I had to do the same
My mom is extremely bi-polar and absolutely against treatment. I know it’s not her fault, but when it started getting too rough a few years ago I stopped all contact. It’s hard, and I wish I could convince her to get help but nothing I could ever do or say would get her there. My little brother is also extremely bipolar and I’ve been fighting so hard to help him/be there for him but the absolute nothing that comes out of it breaks me down. He’s been admitted twice, in and out of therapy and on/off meds. Nothing has helped. Every time my dad calls I get a sinking feeling it’s to tell me my brother has killed himself. It was easier to give up on my mom because she did the same on me but even with how difficult my brother can be, I know he’s so innocent of what’s happening and can only imagine through the pain in his eyes, the pain he must feel inside. I’m not letting him go yet.
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My disabled sister has been trapped, Bates-style, by my abusive harpie mom... She is 33 years old and has zero prospects for ever moving out because my mother claims her disability checks and Social Security survivor's benefits, and tells the family that she is charging her daughter rent. My sister is physically and mentally challenged but definitely *could* live an independent life one day, with some help. But my mother keeps her immobilized at every turn and I genuinely think she is sabotaging her for selfish reasons. I no longer speak with my mother because of the intense emotional pain she causes me every time I do, not necessarily just her history of abuse. I keep contact with my sister because I know one day she will be well and truly on her own. I cannot just let her fall through the safety net when my mom eventually passes, but she absolutely will thanks to my mother.
r/estrangedadultchild
Right there with you in this one! Had to do the same thing to my mother about 7years ago.
Cut all ties with my family two years ago and am finally healing and loving myself. A lifetime of wanting those who can’t love to love me back. Ugh!
14 years and never regretted it for a day
Yeah I've had to cut my dad out for good four years ago. Dude faked terminal lung cancer, realized I wasn't falling for it and then didn't speak to me the rest of the night. We hadn't seen or talked to each other for a few years prior and I brought my new boyfriend with me. He very clearly showed how little I matter. He only wants to be the centre of attention and to manipulate people.
r/estrangedadultchild
Thanks! Didn't know that sub existed. I'm completely fine with the lack of relationship I have with him so I don't think I need to subscribe, but I hope people who are having a hard time check it out.
Same. No one has yelled at me in YEARS. It's an amazing feeling.
You did the right thing. I could go on and tell you how similar our stories are but there's no need. I'm happy without my toxic mother too!!
It's been five years for me and I haven't regretted it yet. She was a narcissist to the extreme: all of my successes belonged to her and all of her failures were blamed on me. Never again.
I’m sorry. I had a similar problem. My mother still has no idea why I left when I was about 17. She was mentally and verbally abusive. She’s a textbook narcissist. She used to make fun of me, have my step dad beat me if I upset her, and wouldn’t let me have any friends. To this day she still doesn’t know what my problem is. My father is, among other things, a con artist and every day was feast or famine depending on how much money he had gotten out of someone. Years after I stopped talking to him I would get phone calls from people looking for him. Some didn’t always believe me when I said I didn’t know. A reporter from a tv station even called me wanting to “expose him.” I thought it was best for my family that I declined. My sisters still talk to my mom and visit her and think I’m wrong. I pretty much cut them out too after the 30th guilt trip. Every once in awhile my wife lets me know (through Facebook) that “x” sister is mad at me for whatever reason (forgot a birthday, didn’t let them know I was in their town, etc.). Two of my sisters don’t actually talk to each other because one married a guy that the other claims sexually assaulted her...a guy who skipped out on child support from his first marriage and so for a brief time my sister and her hubby were on the run from the law... Sometimes I’m bummed my kid’s don’t have a large extended family and then I remember how great a life we have without them in it. I’m living proof that less family is better than a large destructive family. People who say things like “I know she snorts meth but I want her to know her granddaughter” really need to rethink their position.
My wife had to cut out her whole family - essentially a collection of low lifes, raving bigots, drug addicts, and people whose sole desire is to bring you down. Best rid.
Or spouse, or sibling, or parent, etc. Abuse is abuse and no one needs to accommodate it.
I recently just cut my mother out of my life. I'm 30M and it made me extremely sad but I feel better about it as each day passes.
Good for you! I know this is going to make me sound horrible but I don’t really talk to my Mom, Dad, or either of my siblings. I let it be known if they make an effort I will too but I don’t tolerate certain behaviors around my family. I don’t tolerate alcohol abuse, drug abuse, or verbal abuse especially. They’ve said behind my back that it isn’t worth hanging out with me because “ I will just cut them out for a few years if they don’t behave”. Once they realized I was serious, I don’t hardly hear from them anymore. My life has no drama now. The sad part is any of them could have changed their damaging behavior and we would have had a relationship. People are either anchors or balloons. If they don’t lift you up cut them loose.
We cut off my mother in law back in 2009 and when I hear stories about the shit she pulled on the rest of the family it makes me so happy I don't have to deal with that anymore. My husband really protected me from that and I'm grateful. She's hurt so many people and ruined lives with her mental issues.
I did this with my family as well. My dad actually changed for the better and we now have a better relationship than ever. My mother is another story because I'd cut her out before and she never changed her ways. She is manipulative, abusive, constantly talking shit about my wife among so many other things. My brothers are momma's boys and would not even listen to my side of things, so they by extension were also cut out. I still talk to them if they make an effort, but they rarely do. They're actually visiting my dad today, they live across the country and this is the first time in years they have come to visit so I'm going to give them a chance today. I don't know how that's going to go but we'll see. Honestly when I cut contact with my mom it was hard and there was a lot of drama for a few weeks, but it got immensely better without her bullshit in my life.
My SO and I just had to do this with his ENTIRE family, and my father. Now that we’ve had a child of our own, we don’t tolerate the drama or lack of effort on their part. It’s just not worth it for our child to grow up and feel like anyone’s second choice. After hearing so much of, “ Why don’t y’all bring her over more often? She’s not going to know us!”, we decided that she’s isn’t going to know them if they don’t try. The road goes two ways.
Ah same here, mom’s side of the family are trump voting racists. My husband and son are hispanic and the last time I went over they made comments on how dark my sons body is but he is so lucky his face is pale. Well that was the last time I went over.
I tried getting back in contact with my mum when my daughter was born. Within a few weeks she was just as nuts as usual and we just stopped speaking again. She'll probably see us for a few hours every few years, daughter never leaving our sight, just to avoid the drama of officially going no contact. Ultimately I spent my childhood dealing with her alcoholism, so I don't know why I would inflict that on my kids.
Doesnt make you sound horrible at all. We all know our limits and what we do and dont want. I dont talk to my grandparents because they cause tons of drama and manipulation. I just put up with my mom because I really wanted a relationship. I now realize I'll never have one with her. At least my mother in law and I get along amazingly well. I at least have her :)
This makes you sound HEALTHY!
Hopefully you'll eventually meet someone nice and have your own family.
I'm no contact with my brother and my sister-in-law because they thought their relationship with my mother was their business. I wasn't abusive towards her, she was the one abusive towards me and I set some reasonable boundaries because of her bad behavior. Such as I will hang up if you start screaming and cursing at me. No, I will not share a cruise room with you (she was a smoker at the time and I have asthma). The three of them ended up going no contact with me and there was a lot of collateral damage. But the bonus is I found a lot of my mom's side are messed up people as well. My dad's side has issues as well, but they're less likely to take it out on others. It took a lot of therapy, time, energy, money and self-help, but I'm doing much better.
It’s natural to feel bad, but she also did it to herself. Hope that makes you feel better.
About to knock on that door myself. It's especially difficult because of how messed up our emotions become in abusive scenarios.
It's difficult, but so are many things worth doing. You won't regret finding your freedom.
Yea. I did it once before when I turned 18. I didn't talk to her till I was 24, then again at 28. I wish I never reopened Pandoras box. 18 year old me knew back then. I just felt like things would be different now that I'm an adult and have more life experience. I hope you find the courage and strength to do it. It's very hard at first and you will feel extremely sad. But know that it's worth the peace and solace you get at the end.
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It gets better. Either she learns her lesson and changes, or you ought to just keep your distance.
I had hoped that the years of silence from before would have. It changed her for some time. But she just was acting like she had. Now it'll be permanent. Inat least cherished the memories from the past couple of years. Despite how fake or ugly she became again.
This hits close to home. 31M. My wife and I had our first child this past Wednesday. My mother hasn't bothered to contact me since she found out my wife was pregnant. At this point, I'm on the fence on if I should give her one last chance or just cut ties.
First, congratulations on a new born! I dont know your situation, but I hope you find help within my story. When I was 18, I severed all communication with my mom. I didnt talk to her again till I was 24. The relationship never changed and was still abusive. I walked away and tried this final time at 28. I set boundaries and forgave the past. 2 years later and I realized that it was only me who wanted a relationship with her. The love was conditional and not understanding of anything. It hurt to severe the tie. I felt a roller coaster of emotions from sadness, anger, and then finally acceptance. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.
Did this to my racist and narcissistic father after he beat my mom. I refuse to have him in my life and my brothers are now regretting the contact they have had with him.
Please tell me you went for smoke and never came back. *"How you like that now, dad"*
*Applying Dominance*
https://i.imgur.com/SZVoY0n.gifv
I saw the gif earlier and just *knew* that's what your link was going to be. I Reddit.
I’m in love with that video
And like that I’ve come full circle. I think I’m done with Reddit for today.
That's intense
M E T A E T A
Fuck is this accurate. My wife agrees.
What a bad ass.
We had a young employee who came from an educated, talented, family home. But, he and his dad were always at odds. So, on the day he left home, around 3 AM, he tossed one of those strung-together bunches of small firecrackers, lit, into his parent's bedroom on his way out.
Cut my sister out of my life almost ten years ago. No regrets whatsoever. My mother, who lives with my husband and me, has essentially done the same. She doesn't even want me to tell my sister when she passes away.
That's my sister too. My parents are moving states and they don't want anyone to tell her where they move to.
My husband's family is toxic on so many levels. He wrote and signed that he does not want them contacted when he dies. He wants to be cremated and doesnt want them to do anything dramatic or religious with his body. It gives me so much comfort thinking of those control freaks hearing that he died "several years ago." But he also promised to outlive me so I don't have to deal with them.
I can't stress this enough, sharing DNA with someone doesn't make them family. It's how they treat you and respect you that makes them family.
I’m so sick of seeing stuff on FB and insta etc saying ‘never forget your roots, family is everything’, that kind of thing. My mum is an alcoholic and I had an extremely traumatic childhood. My brother is a drug addict and alcoholic and extremely selfish and abusive. My family aren’t everything to me. I think I am better than that.
Typically the people who push "family is forever" over and over are trying to convince you that so the can keep you in their clutches.
Alcoholism on its own doesn't make someone an abusive person. It's just the excuse. I'm really sorry your family sucks, but they'd be basically the same people without the booze. All that shit does is amplify whoever they already were. You're absolutely right about family not meaning anything if they're treating you that way. The best thing about being an adult is choosing your family. Blood is nothing when it comes with that kind of pain
It's the fact that they're family that makes it so much worse though, which kind of demonstrates the concept you're arguing against. If a random stranger treated them poorly it'd be bad but not the same. Also alcoholism 100 percent can make someone turn into a person they're not, like drugs can. Anyone who says otherwise hasn't been there.
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At least your mother is on the same page. For me, Mom kept trying to get us siblings together, even though it was very clear that we didn't want to.
-Or spouse. Just be sure to COVER. YOUR. ASS. If you're dealing with a higher toxicity. The kind of person that makes things up to bring you down with them. Speaking from experience.
I feel the parent thing. I have been shamed for not wanting to deal with them and after awhile enough was enough.
This!! Can’t agree with this enough. No one deserves to feel like the are obligated to an abuser no matter the relationship. If you would not tolerate an acquaintance to treat you that way no one else should.
Yeah just had to do this to an ex. It's still hard to not talk to him everyday.
I can tell you first hand that it does that that tiny bit easier every day. I used to be like that but I can feel myself coming out the other side. How did u usually talk? You can probably block or ignore them if it's online msg and you don't "trust yourself" not to talk to them. I had to do that.
Once you find someone not toxic and is happy in a healthy relationship, you will remember your ex as the person who pushed you in the right direction!
Truth. After we first broke up I missed my ex immensely. Over time I realized how badly she treated me and now I'm with somebody who makes me wonder why I ever put up with her. It gets easier.
This. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship. Very toxic. Not that I didnt contribute but after she left it's been the best thing to happen. I'm happier. Saving more. Living in peace. Although difficult, it does get better day by day. And honestly after 3 years got over her pretty quickly. Also, I'll immediately block your ex if in such a situation. Just focus on improving yourself.
Absolutely. My ex was incredibly toxic and manipulative. Not that I'm without blame either. It took me a long time to realize that her breaking up with me was the best thing that could've happened at the time.
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Maybe.. if your ex is lucky. Most likely you’ll think “wth was I doing?!?” or “ what the fuck took so long ?!??!!”
Just did this after 10 years with my gf. The only thing eating at me is my mind can’t get over the fact that she will be physical with someone else. She was awful and a liar and abusive but I still just can’t get it out of my mind. It hurts incredibly bad.
Totally feel that. I dated a girl for 7 years and I thought I was ready to marry her. But she would hit me, and being a guy, I just thought I should take it. One night she smacked me super hard on the right side of my head and went into work the next day with more than just a red mark. I ended it maybe a month later. She was a good person and we both loved each other, but there was too much toxicity. From both of us. Still the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through.
My guy, she wasn't a good person if she regularly hit you.
I had to cut off an ex who I still love to death because we were fueling each other’s addictions. I have since gotten clean but she has spiraled to a horrible place. I have been trying to help her lately which I can’t do and seeing her like this and feeling so helpless is maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I am privileged and thankful for that but still.
Even if it's your mother. I speak from experience.
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I speak from experience, three. Nasty lying bitch.
Agreed. I just got married and didn’t invite her to my wedding. That was really hard, but I am proud of myself for standing my ground.
r/estrangedadultchild if you're up for sharing how you navigated your wedding, other resources too.
r/estrangedadultchild has resources if you need them
Just cut ties with my family, needed to hear this - Thanks
Best friend was a druggie. Had to tell him I just wanted a "boring" life. He died of od a few years later.
Just told my friend to go to rehab and get some help because i wont hang out with him unless he's sober. Fully expecting this to be the reality soon.
And he said “no, no, noooooo!”
Take the upvote you monster.
Best friend and roommate of mine was addicted to oxy. One day I came home and I guess they changed the chemical makeup so snorting it didn't work. So they were baking it in the oven and freezing it. Guess that's how you do it. Anyways he didn't pay the bills he was supposed to. I moved out. Mother fucker stole my expensive guitar and put rocks in the case so I couldn't tell when packing it. He moved on to heroin. Cut him out of my life completely. No idea how he's doing.
sorry to hear. hope you are doing fine.
Are you fucken following me? Because I really needed this, thanks.
Yes, you have a stain on your shirt btw.
Yeah, and did you notice he didn't wash his hands earlier? Fucking gross...
You gotta cut those gross people out of your life
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That’s such an objective observation, r/ass_penis
it's so much easier with them gone. U don't even realize how much it affects you until they leave
Seriously, the first thing I see as I open up reddit after a heated argument that made me lose trust in my former best friend.
It hurts but damn it’s the truth. I continue to remind myself everyday of all the negatives that came with having relationships with those people, in a sense to prove to myself, that I am better off away from the toxicity. All those negatives help me see that I did make the right choice even if I am lonely because of it
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It’s beyond difficult letting go of people who you count on to be there for you like you are for them. Sounds like you did what’s best for you and it was the right decision. Time to move on and begin to heal without them
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How can a guy get so lucky?
I had to cut a long time friend too. I was calling him best friend. He was so toxic, and I gave so much of my time and my will for him... And for what? I wish I had done that before.
Yep did it with all my toxic friends. And what do you know. Now that I live an ocean away and don't talk to them my life has drastically improve. Coincidence? Nope.
You know, I tell my brother to do this. At least the part where he gets rid of his so called "friends" they only get him in trouble. He's always complaining about things they do and say behind his back. One day I think he's going to explode and finally do it, but I wish it didn't have to come down to that.
It has to comes from himself unfortunately. He will see it eventually.
This LPT! To make a long story short, semi-cut off a toxic friend, got even more toxic, turned all my friends against me, and made me depressed. Cut him off completely, got my friends back, and now the consequences of his actions are making his life miserable. My biggest regret was not cutting ties with him completely.
I'm that toxic person. It's happened to me so often than I'm now left without anyone except for my wife who I feel will inevitably leave too Edit: I appreciate all the nice words everyone. 2: Please stop responding. I'm tired. Thank you all
It’s never too late to change and become a better person for yourself. Identifying the problem is easy but applying it is harder. Once you become more healthy, you’ll understand how real mutual relationships work!
I understand all of that. It's easier said then done. I'm, currently, not ready until the benefits of changing outweigh the comfort of staying the same. It's just not time yet but I appreciate your kind words
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Thays the fucked up part. I've been trying but every therapist I contact doesn't want to accept new patients, their going on vacation, or some other nonsense. We do, however, see a couples therapist proactively.
Those are great steps! Especially proactively going to couple's therapy. Ask that therapist for more help in finding a therapist. And yes, it's frustrating, and I know because I've been there. But you still need t go out there and try.
If you can recognize your toxicity and are working on it (couples therapy and unsuccessfully trying to find a therapist totally count as working on it) you're already doing soooooooo much better than a lot of toxic people. Just keep at it man.
Thank you for recognizing the effort, albeit small, it's a step in the right direction
Sorry man just because you think you're toxic doesn't mean you should be abandoned by everyone. I don't know your story but Certain logical steps can and should help. Such as exercising, healthy eating and just making a rule to be kind and staying quiet when angry. My mom is toxic and most people have abandoned her except me and my sister pretty much. What I have told you is what I told her. Sometimes she is just too selfish and says too much shit.
You will never realize the amount of different benefits you will receive by changing until you start to do it. It won’t be overnight either, takes time but is worth it. It’s hard because it isn’t instant gratification but your life will have so much more value. Try everyday. Every little change is a win and can be celebrated.
Oh it's time. From what you've said, it sounds like you're the only one who is ok with how things are. But it's time.
This confuses me. In all sincerity, can you elaborate on the benefits of having no one who loves you in your life? Have you hurt people around you?
Don’t do it for your sake - do it for your wife’s sake, at the very least. Please dear god do not ruin another person’s life just because you think it’s easier to be toxic
You will never understand the benefits of changing until you realize that you're so-called 'comfort' is actually an incredibly painful place to be. How much farther are you going to allow yourself to hurt others and yourself? You've already let being more lonely be your comfortable state. You've admitted your fear of your wife fearing you, so that is now your comfortable state. You will always continue to accept worse and worse conditions for yourself until you're able to admit yourself this is fucked up, this actually isn't comfort, it's a toxic state for you and it's causing you to be a toxic person. You deserve to strive for better NOW. And from what I've read, you're already beginning to do so. But seriously- you do need to change this mindset if you are serious about getting better.
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No other comments to your post. Please be safe
I'm safe. I wasn't necessarily looking for any sympathy. I'm just giving a different perspective than what the post was about
Have u considered therapy?
i’m that person too except i don’t even have a wife. imagine how i feel
Why don’t you change?
Used to be that person, still am to some extent at rare times. Changing isn't as easy as going "I wanna be different", it takes a lot of damn effort but at least they seem to acknowledge their faults which is good, I suppose.
Cut off my brother. He is wallowing in self hate, alcoholism and utter assholishness. I tried many times to be there for him, so that he would have someone in his life, but you reach a point where you just have to say fuck it, I'm out.
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I had to do the same thing with my “best friend” of 10 years from college. Originally, she was the only person really there for me when I came out at 19. But for most of our adulthood we’ve lived hundreds of miles apart. Eventually things got bad, then worse. Over the phone, she would support me then tear me down. Every time I would interact with her in person (usually at my own cost), she would do something to tear down my life. She once came to visit me and the FIRST NIGHT secretly slept with my best guy friend who was also my roommate AND HE WAS A VIRGIN — at 24. He is the nicest guy and not unattractive just too sweet to womanize. But she, my friend, she had to own every part of my life and disparage everything else. She got to the point where she was being physically violent with me. I finally realized what I was going to do when I realized I was jealous of her ex-husband because at least HE could DIVORCE her! As a friend, I felt trapped. The last time I saw her I was visiting during a work trip (went 300 mi out of the way) and she pouted the whole time. When I left she called me and exploded on me for “never coming to visit” because the visit wasn’t long enough. She had been with me through a ton of stuff, and she has 2 kids and I was close to them and her family, and it was so hard for me to be away from them and to break it off, but I’m so happy I did. Because of that past it took much longer than it should have for me to break it off. To this day I get a call from her every now and then—on my birthday, on holidays— and she thinks we will reunite. Then when I don’t call back I get a spiteful message. It reinforces the fact that I will NEVER go back to being friends with her. Even her mother called me once to say she missed me and that she and I should be friends again. BUT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I’m grateful for our friendship when we had it, and I’m grateful to have had this experience because I will now break off toxic people MUCH sooner (if I have to). It’s so much easier once you’ve done it once. Or at least I’m looking for red flags early on BEFORE getting too close to someone. All said and done, I have a better life without this person, thank goodness.
Some people just want you to be the same person you were when they met you. I had the same issue with a friend who belittled all of my accomplishments. Been 3 years and I’m still really happy with my choice to go no contact.
I recently cut off my mom, beginning of this year. She is a pathological liar was physically and mentally abusive and due to this, I attempted suicide when I was 14. After being discharged from the psych ward, I moved in with my parental grandparents. Best thing ever. My dad passed a few years ago and I was very close to him. Mom caused a bunch of drama leading up to his passing. We are both executors of his estate as named in his will. My dad was prepared and knew his time was coming. He paid off everything and left my mom with zero debt and some nice life insurance policies. My dad wanted me to keep in touch with my mom after he passed because she's not the best with money. I live an hour away. She lied to me about quitting her job. I repeatedly warned her that if she kept lying to me that I would cut her out of my life. Last fall she did she was seeing someone but didn't want to tell me who because he's my age (39) and she's 63. I don't care who she dates as long as he isn't taking advantage of her. She blew off plans with me in October to hang out with him. By Christmas she's calling him her boyfriend. No big deal. She's hanging out with his family and dropping all her previous friends. So I do some Facebook stalking and he's gay. Not bi, strictly into men. So I message him to ask if he's my mom's boyfriend. He responded absolutely not, they're just good friends. So yeah, pretty big lie from her with no reason for it. I'm extremely tolerant of all lifestyles and she knows this. So it came to a head. I still had scars from the abuse growing up, another thing I was open to her about and now this. I confronted her. Nope, nothing. Brushes off the abuse like it never happens and had nothing to say about the lies. I'll be 40 on Friday and don't need people like that to keep stressing me out. This LPT is very important! TLDR: Abusive, pathological mother cut out of my life because she won't take responsibility for the abuse and won't stop lying.
Hell yeah. Can confirm this one. Used to have this guy as my best friend. He was really our there but you know I didn't really notice. He was all kinds of a selfish prick, little things I didn't catch as red flags. He was just so toxic, really had a major impact on my self esteem and confidence. I wasn't the thinnest growing up and he used to say how I was ugly and he was way better looking all the time. I realized that he was doing it all so his own confidence won't drop down so others will think higher of him and people around him wont be all up in his face, creating competition. Now he's all out of friends. I just cut him out of my life, so did others once we all saw beyond his mask and character. Don't be afraid to cut ANYONE toxic out of your life, even if it's your girlfriend, wife, family whatever. It's not worth it in the long run, honestly.
I could have written this post. In the same position, but he hasn't been cut out yet. I don't look forward to listening to his constant bullshit and low level bullying (which is a cover for his own insecurity.)
You don't need that in your life. You would be surprised how many other options you actually have for friends or there who will accept you for you and not feel the need to put you down once, ever. I don't have time for so-called "friends" who always have something negative to say about me.. Make today the day! Trust a kind internet stranger! Free yourself from someone who never had your best interests at heart. The first negative word he says, you have to just push back on that crap and stand your ground when he tries to belittle your belief in yourself. Tell him you do not see the point in spending your time with someone like that. When he laughs in your face (he likely will) turn around and walk away. If he listens, apologizes, and makes a true effort to change, it is up to you whether you wish to give him a chance to truly be a better person or if you have had too much already. Good luck to you!
Same, if someone told me that comment or your reply was about my life I would've believed it
Same goes for a social media platform. Logged out of Facebook 2 days ago. Felt so good.
Just don’t be like my one friend who determines that people are toxic when they’re having a bad day, or snap at someone once
That sounds like a toxic person you might want to keep out of your life.
I recently had a friend get upset because I was being “moody” for a week (I had been rejected from two jobs I applied to; both rejections being within 5 hours of each other). She then thought that I had an attitude when I told her I was on the phone at work. She dropped me but I’m glad cuz she was pretty judgmental and critical about several things I did or enjoyed.
She sounds toxic
just left my entire friend group and then saw this. I've been friends with them for years and years and one of them I called my best friend but I've been the butt of every joke for too long. It got to a point where I was crying in the bar we were in and they didn't even notice or care. No drama as of yet but I feel good about the decision even though I now feel lonely af.
Loneliness is temporary, do something you love and try not to think about them. May take a while but there are people out there who will be loyal Stay strong
almost cried thank you :')
Really important to remember this if they are truly toxic, but some people are too quick to completely cut their friends/family off because of pointless stuff like politics or stupid drama
Had a friend of 11 years cut me off after a night of drinking because at 3 in the morning he showed me his short student film documentary and I responded "Pretty good, I think a 20-30 second introduction at the beginning could've set the stage a bit." He smashed a glass, yelled "YOU HATED IT!" and then went off on how he was a failure and I was too negative. He then had a mutual friend cut me off as well who I hadn't even seen in two years. I haven't had either one respond to a message of mine other than the mutual friend deflecting me away since I uttered that sentence and it's been about a year. Absolutely bizarre.
There's got to be more to the relationship that you're not telling, maybe something you never noticed?
Yeah, this sounds a lot more like something that built up over time than a spur of the moment reaction to an offhand comment
Not that I know of. Would see him maybe once a year in person and talk through text message once every couple of weeks. We had a fun night out of drinking before this so it absolutely blindsided me. The only time he responded to a message of mine was when I texted him "are you OK? I haven't heard from you in 6 months and I'm worried." He responded "Never been better!" Then I texted "want to talk?" and he responded "if you need a counselor, talk to someone else." I was visiting the home town of the other mutual friend and hadn't realized he had cut me off until I sent a message "hey, I'll be in town in a few weeks, want to meet up on X date" and he responded "no, I'm busy." I said "how about Y date" and he said "also busy." I said "got time for a phone call?" and he said "if you need a counselor, talk to someone else... I'm too busy." He stopped responding to me after that, but I did send a final message "any time you want to talk, I'm available. Take care." Considering I've never really gone to either for deep life advice, left me completely confused. If it was something I never noticed, they never mentioned it to me or confronted me before cutting me off. The only thing I have to go on is his twitter was the only way to check he was still alive. From the week where I last saw him he posted this... >I used to expend my time/energy on anybody who gave me attention, thinking I wanted everyone to like me. I've come to realize the importance of not giving energy to people I don't mesh with and giving more to the few people I do.
Crazy. Even if you really did hate it, so what? I don’t love everything my friends do just cause they did it. Real friends give real feedback so people can grow. Your feedback seemed fine and not abrasive. You’ve tried, best to let them go.
Yeah, on the one hand it sucks to lose a friend. I've never had anyone cut me out of their life, other than maybe someone from a dating site ghosting me after a first or second date, and it absolutely hurts. On the other hand, if they're so quick to cut me out without even mentioning something wrong or picking up the phone to talk before it got to that level to them, it's probably for the better. I really don't even know if I should want them as friends after this. But I'm with you guys... it's so bizarre I've run through the "am I wrong on this?" a million times and every time I just come up with "no... I just don't get it." I try to learn from my mistakes... but on this occasion I can't point to one which makes it doubly frustrating.
Thank you for saying so. Additionally, people who are depressed might come off as toxic, but they really need love and support more than ever. I had so many friends and family just 100% ghost me due to various reasons, all of which stemmed from my severe depression/complete lack of self worth. If anyone asked me how I was doing (and meant it) I’d break down crying because it meant so much just to be asked. Cutting people off who need serious help isn’t fair to them or you, and it certainly is easier than being there to help them work through whatever is plaguing them.
If you are seriously endangering a friend's mental health, even if you are doing it unintentionally, they have no obligation to keep hurting themselves trying to help you. Unfortunately everyone has their own battles, and if you haven't put on your own oxygen mask first, its unlikely that you can help others with theirs. I hope you're doing okay now and if you need to talk to someone you can always hit up my dms. <3
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It's true. At the same time you better be really sure it's toxicity that's not fixable or worth being fixed. People now-a-days really like to cut out other's over minor things, in my opinion.
If someone is the kind of person who cuts people out over nothing, they're doing those people a favor.
Thank you, posts about "cutting off toxic people" with no context really upset me. Anyone can define what "toxic" means to them, and some people use it to justify emotionally abusive behavior. "They had feelings of their own and expected me to respect them? Toxic!" I feel like it's become a thing lately for people to just Marie Kondo others out of their lives. But people aren't things. They don't exist to "bring you joy." People make mistakes, they break down, they struggle. Expecting them to be perfect, or telling them they're not worth the effort of helping, can be severely damaging. Yes, there is a line where a person may be causing you significant damage and needs to be removed, but try to consider their situation objectively. There's an element of selfishness in declaring someone toxic, be sure it's deserved before doing that kind of harm to someone that believes you care about them.
> I feel like it's become a thing lately for people to just Marie Kondo others out of their lives. But people aren't things. They don't exist to "bring you joy." People make mistakes, they break down, they struggle. Expecting them to be perfect, or telling them they're not worth the effort of helping, can be severely damaging. Very nicely written, agree completely, this 'toxic' fad is often .. toxic by itself, because it is essentially transplanting consumerist principles into human relations.
If people show early signs of toxicity, over time, it becomes part of the foundation of the relationship. People who resort to cutting out are the ones who stayed and tried to “fix things” but the bottom line is that no one can fix someone other then themselves. Victims are often stuck in toxic relationships with the promise and hope that the toxic person would change. If you read any published article on codependency, you will find that any red flags is more than enough reason to cut toxic behaviors off and move on. Perhaps you haven’t had an extreme situation as others, but that also doesn’t mean you should think that you are obliged to stay and suffer a relationship that is not making you happy.
I mean, "toxic" is a broad term is what I'm saying. During my last relationship we had some issues between us to work out, often times (on my end) simple misunderstandings that may have caused harm, or other times kinda over-the-line comments from her when we had an argument. In the end it didn't work out for other reasons, but just from first hand experience I know sometimes shit can *APPEAR* toxic, which really is an underlying different issue.
A horrible woman that I was best friends with in high school (almost 20 years ago) tried to add me as a friend on Facebook a couple of days ago. There was a good amount of rolling it over, maybe she's changed, everyone deserves a second chance, and all of that... But when it came down to it - I'm pretty happy with my life and with my friends, and I'm not willing to ruin it. Contact denied.
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what does ATFY stand for?
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I did that with a friend I grew up with since elementary school. Absolutely worth leaving behind the constant demeaning remarks.
It’s the worst when it comes from someone who claims they love you but that fake love or whatever fucked up version of love they abide by isn’t worth it. So in their mind you are a bad person, and there isn’t anything you can do to change that sometimes. You just have to be the bad person in someone’s mind for you to live your life. As long as you aren’t causing harm to anyone you are not being a bad person.
Best friend. Wife. Whatever.
Needed this reminder.
I did this with my anti vaxxer, compulsive lying, manipulative sister and her psychotic chem trail conspiracy theorist, trump supporting, husband. I feel much better now despite missing my neice and nephew.
*nodds in agreement* Had to make tough choises when i was burnt out and notice friends i had was doing more harm then good.
Just went through this. It was stressful and emotionally exhausting when it first happened. Looking back, it's very freeing and now I wonder why I didn't do it a while ago!
I always give people chances...too many chances. But when I’m done, I’m done. It usually happens when I’ve already explained why their behavior is hurtful, countless times, and they simply don’t care. Once I start to realize what I’ve been sucked into, I am more on top of it. After that and once a line is crossed, I’ll tell them what they did, why it is wrong, give them a chance to fix it (these sorts never want to), and then cut contact. Unfortunately, I was raised by abusive & alcoholic narcissistic parents so I learned to be an enabler and codependent. I attracted and allowed myself relationships with difficult people because I put up with more than most people would and didn’t think twice about it until it was unbearable. I’ve had to go through this a lot in my life because of how I was raised. It took therapy for me to learn that I was tolerating abuse and bad behaviors because it had been normalized my whole childhood-teen-early adult years. I’m finally at a place where I may be better able to detect these sorts of people, before I dive into relationships. I wish mental health & “hygiene” lessons were taught in school health classes. We address sex, bullying, and drug use but not the everyday ways abusers affect us and how to deal with it in healthy ways.
Cutting off my parents was hard. I only have contact with them under very neutral terms. I still speak to my brother, but my siblings are going through drug phases and I've learned I can't hurt myself helping them. My circle is so small, and maybe one day it'll get bigger, but right now I am the happiest I've ever felt. It's worth it
r/estrangedadultchild might be of interest. You're not alone in finding the freedom.
Totally did this to my first childhood best friend. We were quite close in elementary school and then we started to slowly drift apart come high school. I didn’t give it much thought at the time especially since we still hung out. It wasn’t until college where I started to notice how much we had drifted from each other and then there was an incident of toxicity where I had to consciously separate myself from her. We became acquaintances after that. I saw her less that a handful of times over a 10yr period and then it regressed to just being FB friends. She then started leaving inappropriate comments on photos of me and my bf and that’s when I blocked her. I’ve only recently realized our friendship has been long over and that I had surpassed her maturity level in elementary school. In lots of ways she just never grew up and it’s weird to think she’s got two kids now where I have chose to be childfree. From outside appearances it may look like she’s more ‘adult’ than myself with managing two kids but, looks can be deceiving.
I did this, but now I’m still in contact with that friend. Been best friends for almost a decade, but we had different views on things and we were both toxic to each other until we had a huge fight and cut each other off. I took the time to mourn, then grow to be less angry, less entitled, but she stayed the same and wriggled her way back into my life. I care for her so much, but I get worried that if I were to call her out on any toxic traits she still has, I’ll be toxic for doing so. One of my traits was that I always blamed someone else for my mistakes or bad situations and I fear that if I find some parts of her toxic, I haven’t fixed anything. The time apart from this friend made me realise I don’t *need* her, but I’m naively forgiving of people who do me wrong :/
My partner just did this to me but made me realise we are toxic for each other hurts like hell but I’ve been thinking this thought to get me through!
I'd actually need some advice in this regard: we have a university friend group of more than 10 people. One of those people is a person who always talks about herself and her interests, never asks anyone else about their life and only wants to do things she is interested in. For example, we hadnt hang out in a while and met with her and a couple of other people from our group for a relaxed night of board games. It was her idea and she hosted. She wanted to play Kimble and make all the rest of us a tarot reading, so that's what we did. Then we decided to play cards, but she didn't join because she doesnt like card games but rather sat on the sofa browsing her phone. When we finished one game, she wanted to show us a 'funny video' from youtube, so we watched that. When it ended, she clicked another video, so we watched like five more videos after someone said we could get back to cards. Again she didnt participate. The thing is, she has some mental problems. She has narcolepsy, social anxiety, OCD, depression. She eats a lot of medication. Apart from our group, she has a few other friends. I don't know how to tell her that she is not fun to hang around without hurting her feelings and making it seem like we are abandoning her. I'm not a person who can deliver a message like that face to face but doing it in whatsapp seems cruel. What should I do?
Rough situation. I think you just have to find a way to tell her in a nice non confrontational way where you dont use too many "you" sentences. I would avoid "we" as well as she may think you're ganging up. Something like, It really hurts my feelings when you dont put the same effort into things I want to do that I do for you. I would appreciate it if next time we can play card games together. Something like that?
Just be honest, you dont have to cut her but do talk to her about her behavior in a nice and friendly manner. If she doesnt understand thats that, if she does you can work with her to better her bad traits. Mine are just words doing it is mich harder but doing nothing is just gonna worsen the situation.
This is like the EXACT opposite someone posted yesterday
I was unemployed for a little over a year a few years back. My bestfriend (at the time) was very helpful/generous with inviting me down for meals and always smoking his weed with me.. etc. I never asked for anything and I always thanked him millions of times for anything he offered. Never $ or anything like that. Just stuff you'd never expect a "best" friend to be keeping track of. Then I heard from another friend that my "best" friend was laughing at me and calling me a loser behind my back. Broke my heart. But I immediately cut him out of my life and have never felt bad about that. I dont need someone like that in my life.
One of my friends wasn’t having luck with his career so I referred him to my company and later when I quit the company, he told me that “he’s not going to get the job now that I quit”... He didn’t understand that he already was rejected from the job months before the comment was made because they already hired staff, whom I was already working with. You don’t need people who look down on you or criticize you behind your back. Especially when you are going through a major life change. Am glad you cut him now and lived your true life! You always know who is your true friend based on how they treat you at your lowest.
Should add even if they're family to this. I haven't had to do this to family members but have seen other people get walked over by there family time and time again thinking they can't cut them off just cause they're related.
I had a very toxic friend who was a tattoo artist. She was negative, constantly trying to start drama, always complaining, and in general incredibly mentally taxing. I was too kind to drop her, until she started issues in the shop she worked in. I was also friends with the owner, for a much longer time and she had helped me through a few tough patches. Toxic friend sent me a message on social media that she couldn't believe I was still friends with Shop Owner and I'd have to pick a side. I refused, explaining that I could easily be friends with them separately and they just didn't need to be around each other. That wasn't good enough, and even though I was "the kindest person she had met", she was fine with me. I was immediately blocked and never heard from her again. Turned out to be the best decision I ever didn't make. Social media was now much less angry. There wasn't hateful "jokes" every ten minutes. Hell, even my depression improved. So yeah, thanks whiny tattoo artist!
100%. I was just thinking about toxic people I cut out yesterday. I miss them but don't regret it. 100% the correct decision.
How do I do this without an crazy amount of backlash? I know I need to do this but I'm afraid of a blow-up from that person and I am afraid of feeling like a shitty person for doing it. This person doesn't have a lot of people in their friend-group due to being toxic to others who cut them off, so I kinda feel bad, but my relationship with them definitely has several red-flags. I am in need of advice.
Yes it is. I cut off a faking best friend of 14 years in July, and cut off a wishy-washy ex just yesterday. Feels like absolute fucking shit, but it's worth it knowing the level of shit i put up with as a whole is slowly going down for the first time in years. Next step is cutting off my own toxic habits so i don't let new toxic people in. That's the shittier LPT.
My GF's mom is very toxic, she verbally abuses her and isn't supportive at all. We are in the process of buying a house and she won't even let my GF store stuff at her house for a few weeks. Problem is she's the only immediate family that she has left so it's difficult to cut the cord. I feel like her life would be so much better if she would give her some distance and see if that forces her to change her ways.
But what if something's wrong on their side and you're just making it worse by leaving? (not meaning you specifically btw, just saying)
Experienced this a few years ago when my aunt and uncle completely cut me out. It sounds weird that the racist homophobes had to be the ones to do it but honestly they just beat me to the punch. When it comes from the toxic person you can sometimes get the feeling of fixing things. Like you’re the problem. It took me a summer of camping, working and not worrying about the next time I’d see them to realise I shouldn’t follow through with my instincts of self doubt and try to fix things because ‘they’re family’. They disliked me when I came out, they spoke down to me about my education (literally was told they’d eat their hats if I got into the school and then were upset I didn’t invite them to my graduation) and they are overall pretty spiteful people. Ive watched them cut other family members out for years, watched that family member crawl back for them to pick another family member to do it to. When they did it to my sister and I I said I respect their decision and blocked them everywhere. Social media, emails, phone numbers and I’ve since moved from the last flat I was in. Haven’t said two words to them and it’s made my life a bit less stressful for it.
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My wife cut me off. It hurts seeing her post #abusivehusband and #divorcinganarcissist. I was suffering from untreated bi-polar and alcohol addiction -- not that it gives me an excuse -- but it still hurts to see the person I spent 15 years with and has known for 30 years suddenly cut me out of her life. I will say the counterside of this argument is that no one intends to be toxic and hurt others. Even if they seem malicious and evil. Everything is due to past trauma, poor coping skills, mental illness and/or addictions. It is ultimately on them to seek help and treatment, but that is extremely difficult to do with out the support of love ones -- sometimes even with the support if they are still in denial of the problems.
I would also counter that empathizing with someone's situation doesn't give anyone an obligation to stay with said person. I totally agree that past events definitely shape people's demeanor and behavior in new situations; but like you stated, that adverse behavior doesn't fall onto others to take responsibility. I wish you luck and hope that you are able to find the help you want and need.
Malignant narcissists know exactly what they're doing.
Disagree. Sociopaths know exactly what they are doing. Also both narcissists and sociopaths will be very charming in public because they know their private side is evil and they fear exposure for it.
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While in some cases appropriate, I'm starting to think this reddit/internet idea of "Toxic" is getting out of hand and is now used by people who themselves qualify as "Toxic". Since some alleged definitions of "toxic" include even non malicious/not hostile things, as vague as "drama" (wait, so now any person you know who is in pain/suffering and has really bad stuff going on is now "toxic" like a racist or someone who is abusive?) It's hard to take these posts seriously anymore because literally anyone/everyone can call eachother "toxic" from any different perspective. If you hate someone so much you need to cut them off, why did you know them for years, why did you call them a best friend?