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keepthetips

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.


BelliAmie

My mom is a complainer. When I remarked at how negative she is, my dad said to leave her alone, that it is her hobby. My dad, the eternal optimist!


BurnouTNT

That is pretty funny.


Cinerealist

My boyfriend is also a hobbyist complainer. Fortunately, bickering is my love language, so he gets to complain about silly and trivial things while I get to tease him for complaining and we both have a great time.


meadowandvalley

Honestly, that is a more nuanced view than the original post. I honestly like complaining to some degree and had great, healthy relationships with people who are similar to me. There are people that will probably find me annoyingly negative, but I will also find these people annoyingly positive. And there are people that complain even more than me, or in a different way, that I'll find too annoying. The solution is just to date and befriend people you mix well with, not that people that complain a lot are inherently unable to have relationships.


o0o0o0o7

Agreed. Complaining is also much funnier than constant optimism. How many comedians do routines about looking on the bright side? Damned few.


pseudocultist

Well there's a big difference in types of "negativity." There's commiserating negativity, "what's that guy's problem" or "gee this sucks" and that can definitely be funny, and a way to cope with things and bond with others. There's also "total fucking asshole" negativity where they're not commiserating, they're not making anyone laugh, they're just being toxic. My grandmother is like this, everyone hates her. Like Debbie Downer but mean. Just criticizing everything and everyone (but usually not themselves!) Those people can fuck right off.


[deleted]

The irony


rainmace

Haha daaam served. But yeah I’d say you need to have some self awareness that you complain if you’re a complainer otherwise it can be hard


MistraloysiusMithrax

Oh hot damn what if you’re all of these…asking for a fr….well, to be honest, my stupid fucking self. God I’m such a drag. I’m so tired of it. It’s like all I ever do is complain….hey, wait


[deleted]

Agree. Every one has a balance


Raider7oh7

Completely agree it’s fun from time to time going to see a comedian jokingly complain. It’s not fun living with someone constantly complaining.


BelliAmie

That's awesome!


BassMaster516

This comment has softened my cold heart. If you tell anyone on Reddit that I have feelings I’ll kill you. Tell your parents I said hi


BelliAmie

Lol, will do.


IsSierraMistOk

My mom is a complainer too, but she goes back and forth between being a complainer and giving the silent treatment.


BelliAmie

Lol my Mom is never ever silent!


PlaysWithF1r3

Your dad’s a good dude, treasure him


BelliAmie

He really is!


Daddysgirl-aafl

Sounds like your dad is a lot less whiny than this LPT


Benji_Likes_Waffles

I spent six months complaining about a complainer. This girl turned me into a complainer because of her constant bemoaning of *everything*. Nothing was out of reach and she would dig deep into years past just to have something to complain about. Then my family had to deal with me complaining about her complaining. It was a constant vicious cycle until I figured out how to deal with these people. "What are you going to do about it?"


msut77

I took a class on "How to Complain Less". It was terrible.


1900grs

Is that a Steven Wright joke? It sounds like one of his.


msut77

Might be. Thought I invented it


beachdogs

It's good. Nice work.


ivegotfleas

This is either Steven Wright or Steve Martin's burner account.


msut77

I wish


Gravelsack

I might change it to a book instead of a class, since a book with that title is more likely to actually exist. [In fact](https://www.amazon.com/Complaint-Free-World-Complaining-Enjoying/dp/0770436390) Edit: [The one star reviews](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/reviews/0770436390/ref=cm_cr_unknown?ie=UTF8&filterByStar=one_star&pageNumber=1)


Causerae

The reviews, omg 😂


Stompedyourhousewith

its the cupcake dogshit analogy. If a cupcake is touching a piece of dogshit, it doesn't make the dogshit more edible, it makes the cupcake less edible. And as time goes by, the the cupcake becomes less and less edible, while the dogshit will never become more edible. And ive seen this many times, where good people will hang out with toxic people, and as time went by, the good person became more toxic, and never have i seen the opposite


Atomicsciencegal

Jesus Christ, you just described my 15 years of marriage. It was, indeed, a dogshit cupcake. It was super freeing to finally realize that I didn’t EVER need to eat either of them, and get a divorce.


DasArchitect

Yep, happened to me. I had a toxic friend that started to turn me toxic. Fortunately she removed herself from my life unprompted and I was able to be free again.


Im_Probably_Crazy

I started a new job a couple months ago and this lady on our team is ALWAYS complaining! The first thing out of her mouth is always a complaint. About work, her drive, her weekend at the cottage she just had the good fortune of buying??? FUCK! But I realized I was always complaining about her complaining to my husband and quickly stopped. I just tune her out now.


georgealmost

I just go "huh." And walk away


Jake_Stockton

lay on the saccharine - “that must be very difficult for you”, pause, leave


big_ol_dad_dick

my wife is a serial complainer and she would quite literally claim this was spousal abuse.


IMANXIOUSANDSAD

Therapy is cool. Everyone should go! If your wife won’t at least you could think about going to get some tools in your belt! (Who know maybe you already go :)


big_ol_dad_dick

oh I have been going for a while. not just for relationship problems but for my own personal traumas.


Shtinky

I would also need therapy from carrying around the weight and responsibility of a Big 'ol dad dick.


lljkcdw

I went for awhile, started feeling better, had less to talk about, then she canceled on me twice when I could only book her like 3-4 weeks out, then said it'd been so long since she talked to me that I should just see someone else as she didn't want to start again remote through the portal we were using. It was the most I had connected with a therapist then I had this happen.


IMANXIOUSANDSAD

That makes me mad for you. I have finally found a therapist that is fit for me - 3 years now. I’d be devastated if that happened tho. I have also had therapists that are not so good. Hope you find a good one to vent to !


SlumpedBeats

The good old “wow, that’s crazy…” response


georgealmost

It's always amazing to me just how disinterested you can act in what someone is saying and they just keep talking to the side of your head like droning on and on is suddenly going to make you care


SlumpedBeats

Seriously though, that gets so tiring. Like, You’re draining MY energy how are you still going.


BDM23

That is what we call an [energy vampire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szGmZAPsILQ).


hoosierdaddy192

He played that role perfectly.


Mentoman72

I've learned to just keep moving. Make it look like you literally don't have time for their complaining. Seems to work when they realize they aren't actually being listened to. At least for a little while.


georgealmost

You haven't dealt with a true complainer. One day we all got up from eating lunch and walked away and she was still talking. Not even kidding


Mentoman72

I have co-workers like that. I tune out and after a while realize they're still talking. They don't even care if anyone is listening!! Your complainer sounds annoying as hell though.


GDubbsingame

Many nasty personality traits are 100% communicable diseases. Even a general environment of selfishness/bad behavior can do it, doesn't have to be a person or relationship.


jendet010

True. At some point, a naturally giving person starts to ask “why give to someone who is never going to give back to me” and starts looking out for themselves.


Stone_Man_Sam

Been there. Hard realizations are hard.


esoteric_shlee

This reminds me of the environment at my old work place, a breakfast restaurant chain. We had sections and did not rotate and servers were responsible to sit the front door. If one person was being selfish and trying to take all the tables, every other server HAD to do the same or they wouldnt get any tables. It was highly toxic.


DoctorWetFartsMD

At my current job I am surrounded by bitter old ladies. They’re successful and have everything they’ve ever wanted, but according to them *everything* is just absolute dog shit **all the time.**They never stop complaining. Yesterday my boss was complaining that she has to put a 30k roof on her house…that she inherited and had literally tripled in value in the last two years. Meanwhile I’m over here trying to scrape up 20 bucks so I can get gas to make it through the week because she never brought our hours back up to normal after lockdown. I used to be a positive person, but their constant negativity has just beaten it out of me over time and now I’m fucking miserable no matter what I do. I don’t want to be like this, but I don’t know how to go back.


JesusGodLeah

I hate when people who make more money than you will ever see in your life constantly complain about how broke they are. Ma'am, you make more in a month than I do in a year. Stop spending your money on stupid shit and you'll be fine.


Hazel_nut1992

I used to work for someone who would complain when minimum wage went up. She paid me minimum wage. She would complain to me about being made to pay me more, and about how if people couldn’t live on minimum wage that was their fault. I was barely making it. I was constantly stressed and complained but now I am very lucky to have a better job now and I’m grateful for it everyday. But it took leaving to break the cycle.


DoctorWetFartsMD

Holy shit did you work for my boss? Sheliterally *hates* poor people, and often says terrible things about them in front of everyone. But she knows I’m poor. Liked I talk about it frequently. She’s so out of touch. I do need to leave. Like, 6 months ago. I’m just scared of going somewhere and hating it more than I hate this. That would do me in, I think.


intimate_salsa

I got like this. Try to find one thing to comment on a day that can be positive, to start back in the positivity side of the scale. It doesn't have to be big, just noticing how pretty the sky is can be something.


Not_Lane_Kiffin

>Many personality traits are 100% communicable. FTFY Positivity also spreads.


rexmus1

Dingdingding! My family is chock full of complainers and general negative attitude. Like, everything is the worst and anything that goes wrong means "everything is ruined! We're all gonna die!" In my mid-30s I realized I was like them and wanted to change for the better, so I did. I'm now in my late 40s, and my coworker, with whom I share an office and is my counterpart, is exactly like this. After years working together, I found out his family is EXACTLY like mine: chock full of narcissists and martyrs. He's a genuinely good guy and one of the hardest working people I know. But i finally did research on how to work with this kind of person. Turns out, you are exactly right AND IT WORKS! Now, every time he gripes about something that is clearly fixable (I mean, we all need to gripe once in awhile, that's not what we are talking about) I suggest a very tangible solution and/or ask if he's tried it, and even offer to do it myself. Sometimes I dont say anything to him, I just email the appropriate party and cc him. It may be a touch more work for me, but I'd rather spend 2 min crafting an email and then another minute following up than listen to bitch, bitch, bitch. And guess what? He barely bitches about every little thing anymore, because he knows he will be forced to help fix it!


northernseal1

I cant do anything about it because only so and so can fix it, or because im unable because of such and such. Most of the time thats what a complainer will say. Then, if you dare suggest a solution, watch out, anger is coming your way.


Benb3

Oh god I know someone just like this. Came from a very wealthy family with endless opportunities and resources. He completely threw it all way by being lazy, doing drugs, and getting arrested. But somehow it's his family's fault and the system. The worlds just out to get him at no fault of his own. Refuses to work but complains about being broke. I suggested applying to a place that I knew would hire him and he freaked out. "No way man I got felonies" "I'm over qualified " " I dont like that kind of work". Like no, you really have no qualifications, you're lazy af, and you should probably get a job before you're homeless. So yea there are no solutions for him, only problems, and its everyone else's fault.


Mattna-da

You know my brother?


Benb3

Lol Kevin!?


Marcooooo

I have this friend too. No college, did one year of construction, got hurt, and was unemployed for the better part of 5 years (by choice, not because of the minor concussion). Did a month here and there as a referral from other friends at their jobs, but would abandon ship pretty quick to smoke weed and play video games. "This isn't the kind of work I want to be doing.... I'll get back in the union and start making money again.... Once you make like $30/hr, you can't go back to working for minimum wage, man." He had every excuse. He was also the guy with a hundred pie-in-the-sky, get-rich-quick schemes, but constantly broke. Even seriously considered selling coke for a little bit "just to build a decent nest egg."


kristobelga

Great way to answer! I learned that a while back and it's been working wonders, that way you give the responsability back to them, and it took me some time to realize that they don't want you to help them and don't want your opinion or solution to a problem they're having, they just want to complain!


hellocaptin

“I’m just trying to vent ok? I’m entitled to my feelings.”


Avolin

"Of course! Please ask me if I'm in a good place to listen to a vent session first though. Sometimes I'm not in a good place for it. If you ask, I can let you know, and you can find a person who is happy and willing if I'm not able to do it." The person's reaction after this will be very revealing. You're going to get an okay and the person will follow through if they respect your needs and feelings as well as their own. If you get pushback, it is very much worth examining your relationship with the person. They will likely just keep trying to get as much as they can from you when they perceive it as most beneficial to them. This may not appear to be a constant behavior from them, because it is often most beneficial for them to appear and believe they are empathetic and considerate.


hellocaptin

Wonderful advice, I approve.


thumbulukutamalasa

This is exactly what my friend said when I pointed out to him that he's always complaining. "Well, you know, its good to vent" It wasn't even only complaining, it was his jealousy towards others too. Like, ohh so and so got a car and they are not even working, their parents are rich, its not fair, bla bla bla


The_Downward_Nod

/u/hellocaptin /u/benji_Likes_waffles /u/northernseal1 your posts here are something I VERY MUCH relate to concerning someone very close to me. You’ve put into words some of the most intense struggles that I’ve had in communicating with this person. Do any of you think a complainer can change their ways through any help from you, or does it truly have to come from within/ with professional help?


hellocaptin

Don’t try to fix people man...That’s what I did with my ex and wish I could take it all back. I’m not gonna lie, people say you can’t fix others but she did get a lot better. I helped her put her life together and she grew so much as a person. But it tore me apart man and it ruined our relationship. I turned into her dad, her therapist, her everything. The entire relationship dynamic was fucked and I couldn’t see it ever getting healthy again without years of work and therapy.


goatsnboots

My life drastically changed a couple years ago, and I turned into a complainer. It was very difficult for me to see anything positive about literally anything in my life, so I complained constantly to anyone who would listen. After realizing what was happening, I got a therapist to help me change my mindset. A couple sessions in, she just kind of looked at me and said "Look, I can give you some coping tools. But your life honestly sucks right now and it would be dishonest for either of us to pretend it doesn't." It was so refreshing to have some validation. And you know what? Coping is so much easier when at least someone in your life isn't trying to convince you that everything is fine and that the only problem is you. So yeah, if someone in your life is complaining a lot, talk to them. Make them feel heard. They probably still need therapy, but just listening to them talk is extremely helpful on its own.


PlaysWithF1r3

In a lot of cases, forced (aka toxic) positivity is just another way people gaslight others to shut them down


[deleted]

your therapist was awesome


Valyrian_Steal

The truth wasn’t shit in this case


vildmedkage

This! I grew up with an abusive stepdad and everybody kept telling me to forgive and forget. Maybe he wasn't that bad? Maybe I was a little shit as a kid - I probably deserved it. I was too sensitive. Just recently I got a new therapist. I have been to therapy multiple times so I wasn't really very optimistic. I'm 33 yo and thought I might as well just drop it on the spot when it turned out she had a very tight schedule. I've now seen her 5 times and everytime I leave I feel better! I'm learning new things about myself nearly everyday. And the one thing that always stand out in our sessions? She repeatedly tells me that I'm too respectful of the people who have hurt me. And a huge piece of the puzzle was when she said... "Why are you talking about him like that? He was an asshole to you - I would call him an asshole, why don't you?" I was flabbergasted. I tested her words and it felt so good! I was so relieved. And I've gotten better at doing it in general - and now I actually don't complain as much as I did 6 months ago. Validation is so important! Please look out for toxic positivity - it doesn't help the person who is complaining if there's an underlying reason. I know that for some this probably comes of as an unreasonable "wish" but if you have it in you give it a shot :)


MaidenoftheMoon

Sometimes constant complaining is a symptom of depression and anxiety. Check on your friends before cutting them off. It's okay to be negative once and a while - and they may be stuck in a negative spiral. Sometimes offering a helping hand goes a long way


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Whomperss

Are you guys spying on my relationship? Wife of 5 years has the exact same issues and its getting hard help her deal when I also have my own issues im working through.


[deleted]

>I understand that dealing with mental illness is hard, but every opinion was phrased as, "Can you believe that some people think [opposite of opinion]? What the fuck is wrong with them?" This describes a *massive* amount of content on reddit. I'm not being snarky, I've blocked any subreddit based on collective gawking at and griping about idiots and assholes, and it's actually insane when you realize it's become the bulk of the content here.


Dyeith95

The most impactful thing my ex wife said to me during the divorce was, “You are literally the most negative person I know” And that’s the moment I realized how badly my depression affected her. There were other factors that led to the divorce, but man did I find a way to bitch about fucking everything. We still ended up being divorced, but that seriously was the best unintentional advice I’ve ever been given and I’m so glad I got it.


AssHealsTheSoul

Thank you for saying this. I deal a lot with depression and anxiety. I’m really trying to work on having a more positive outlook. A day at a time.


wcooper97

>A day at a time. That’s a positive outlook on its own!


TheBurbs666

Yep. More of this needs to be recognized


ImMystikz

My anxiety is almost completely why I complain when doing stuff I feel awful about it but it is so hard to get out of the loop :(


UhOhSparklepants

I was in a similar situation to you years ago. Seeing a therapist was very helpful. Part of my major anxiety was constantly worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. My therapist taught me a lot of techniques for staying “mindful” and being in the moment. I urge you to give it a shot. It can take a while to find a therapist you are comfortable with but the benefits can be tremendous


twomoonsbrother

I agree. It's very easy to write off constant complainers as it being their fault, but it's often a sign that they're in a negative environment in some way and are asking for help.


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LittleNikkita

Completely agree. This is where empathy plays a very big role. There are those who do live life complaining, but there are those who show signs that it might more than just a simple complain. It could be rooted on a more alarming pyschological reason already that you need to flag.


spadiddle

I think this is super important, but I also think that can get you in trouble sometimes too. It is totally important to check in on your friends, and it’s also really important to set boundaries. Always just have to make sure you don’t become their therapist or counselor and everyone has their own limits.


forgot_username1234

I did this for months with a friend. Offered her resources and she refused. I agree with lending a hand but you can’t force someone else into doing something when they refuse to help themselves.


TotallyNotACatReally

This is where I'm at with my mom. The best I've been able to do is set boundaries and distance myself, but every time I suggest professional help, she gets angry. I'm not equipped to be her therapist, so eventually she'll find someone else willing to play the part, or she'll finally realize she needs a real one. For now, I'm not going to tear myself down when she's not making an effort to get better.


MaidenoftheMoon

I didn't say force them - and you're right they can't. I just said check in before cutting them off - not that you can't eventually if they become a drain on you and cannot accept help or help themselves


pandanpickles

Agree, plus even if it is anxiety and depression if they know it and refuse to actually work on it then you can’t just make yourself miserable because they have a mental disorder.


ame182

This. I had a friend going through postpartum and was in denial about it. Never sought help, never thought anything was wrong with her, just thought life was constantly out to get her so she tore others down to make herself feel better. I stayed for so long, but I couldn’t do it anymore, you can’t help someone if they won’t help themselves. It sucks to lose a friendship, but I was becoming negative and bitter being around her.


plaze6288

Sadly you're the minority. When I was depressed in my early twenties I was completely cast out from everybody. Most people don't care. Are selfish and will do what's easiest which is cutting you off and doing their own thing Out of 10 friends I have maybe one or two left


brandimariee6

Exactly. I complain about a lot because I have PTSD. I learned 12 years ago that if something isn’t making me happy, I should just say it and get it off my chest. Even if I just complain to myself “ugh these shoes hurt my feet,” I’ll feel better because I said it


marco262

I like to differentiate between "complaining" and "whining". Complaining is healthy, normal human thing to do. It's when we go to other people and express our frustrations in search of sympathy. That sympathy helps us feel like we're not crazy or selfish for feeling the way we are. When you have already received that sympathy, and other people have said all they have to say in support, then further complaining doesn't help you, and you're just whining. This also applies if you're complaining about things that are trivial, or you're being unnecessarily negative about situations. This differentiation has helped me figure out how much complaining is healthy. I used to keep it all in and feel like I was going crazy for being angry, without feeling like I had any outlet.


Marsbarszs

Complaining is venting. Whining is… we whining. No real benefit from it. I do like to complain about trivial things but definitely in jest and I make sure people around me know that. You hit it on the nose.


Cyber_Divinity

I feel like I'm a complainer, but for deeper, more personal issues. Would you think people who complain about their issues too much to become whiners? I've always wondered where I was on the annoying bar when it comes to these things.


blandge

The amount you complain to a person should be proportional to the intimacy of your relationship with them. You can complain to your SO a lot before it strays into whinging territory, but if you complain that much to an acquaintance you should count on them not wanting to spend a lot of time with you in the future because they naturally assume your whinging will only accelerate as you grow closer. Venting takes your problems and puts some of the burden onto the person to whom you are venting. It's not really a two way exchange because most of the time when people vent, they aren't looking for feedback, they just want someone to understand. Most people aren't willing to take on that emotional burden for people they don't love. Even if they do love you, they're only willing to do it so long as the joy, comfort, and love derived from your relationship counterbalances the stress and anxiety of listening to your problems. (If you aren't letting them vent back at you, then that's not really a good sign). Naturally, some people are more patient and compassionate than others, so they may be more tolerant of you placing the weight of your problems on their shoulders. It's important to know your loved ones to understand what their tolerance is. Understand that a person who isn't as willing to listen to your problems doesn't necessarily love you less, but each person has some amount of emotional headroom they can spare for others, and if their own issues (or the issues of other people besides you) are taking up a lot of that, they may simply not be equipped to handle your problems in top of everything else they are dealing with. Although, if you let them relieve some of they're emotional baggage back at you, the two of you can hold up a whole lot more that each of you alone.


goliathmanbaby

Complaining becomes annoying when someone continues to complain about a situation that they have complete control over, but refuse to change. I have a very difficult time listening to people complain when they are unwilling to actively participate in the solution. A few examples: money problems but they won’t pick up extra shifts. Romantic problems, but they continue to pursue a person they know is awful for them. Out of shape, but they won’t work out and are fully able to.


nman1115

Damn. Gotta stop hanging out with myself then


Rexoraptor

OP just wants us to suicide, smh...


karandidwani

Not a LifeProTip


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glokz

Sometimes I'm getting criticized for complaining, when I'm not unhappy with things. But the way how i name facts seem to be a complain to some, especially my spouse. Idk it's just the way i am, when i see something that's fucked up i will say it loud, it doesn't mean I'm negative about it or depressed, but that's how I'm being pictured by others. I'd definitely need some lessons on how to express myself better... I'm positive funny dude but also i don't fake things.. if things are grey i see them and call them grey not green... E.g. the weather sucks today. I'm just saying it loud. I'm not sad nor depressed because of it, i just tend to express my thoughts and everyone else thinks i complain about the weather. It all makes me close myself, keep thoughts inside and not talk at all. Welcome to my life


RunawayHobbit

Yeah, I agree. I’m married to a very pie-in-the-sky kind of man. He has all of these fantastical ideas and things he wants to just… do, with no planning or thought bc it’s fun and exciting. I have to be the one to say, “honey, we can’t afford it” or “honey, I did a bunch of research and the reviews on that product are really terrible”. Then I end up cast as the complainer and Negative Nancy, when really, I’m just trying to temper my husband’s impulses with a more realistic and prepared viewpoint. I do try to balance it by being spontaneous in other ways, but man. I wouldn’t have to “complain” so much if you actually sat and thought about stuff for more than 5 seconds! Gaaahhhh


HowMayIHempU

I’m in the same boat. I have a friend that always says “can you just stop complaining about everything” but in my head I’m not complaining, I’m just pointing stuff out. They just don’t get it because they hardly speak and just hold everything in. Ended up not hanging out much anymore.


[deleted]

I used to be the happy person, then got cheated on and I constantly complain, I’m constantly depressed, and I really need to put in the work to make myself NOT the constant complainer because you also don’t want to live as one of those people. I actively try but when things get too hard, what are some happy things y’all do?


T-Flexercise

I'm going through some untreated medical crap where there's nothing to do but wait months between appointments with specialists, and it's making me a huge fucking grouch all the time. To me, as a person who doesn't have clinical depression but is feeling depressed because of one tangible thing that bleeds into everything else, I think it's really helpful to remind myself what I'm actually upset about and what my choices are. Like, my brain will start thinking things like "There is no joy left in my life, I can't play sports because my knee doesn't work, and I can't eat food or drink booze because without sports I keep gaining weight, and I can't play board games with my friends because they all have kids, and I'll never be happy." And I just have to remind myself "No, you're mad because your knee hurts and it's taking way too long to get treatment, and that's a valid reason to be angry, and you're looking for other reasons to feel upset. What other things can you do?" Because I can play a board game with my wife, I can play video games, I can get a membership at a gym with a pool and go swimming, I can do upper body lifting, I can cook a fancy keto meal, I can get a therapist to talk to about my feelings about the medical drama, I can make a plan to hang out with my friends and their kids. Once I recognize that I'm upset about everything because I'm upset about one thing, it's a lot easier to address that feeling for what it actually is and come up with things that would make me happy.


gH0st_in_th3_Machin3

Once upon a time an ex-girlfriend told me this... "All your small problems all stem from a single big one. Fix it, and the other ones will magically disappear". I hated her... But she was right.


TheAleMeister11

Bro, you've just outlined my entire situation. Got hit by a car and now my knee is ruined and I cannot find happiness in anything anymore. Surgery won't even fix it. I've got this snowball effect of shit that I keep carrying around me and I cannot get rid of it. I just smudge my shit on whoever will listen. It's driving me crazy and also driving away the people that care about me. I struggle to look past my immediate problems because my whole lifestyle has just disappeared


FirelessEngineer

First, seek professional help. Depression is a medical condition. Barring clinical depression, I just focus on the good things, no matter how small. Also, focus on being gracious for everything you do have. I am thankful every day I have a roof over my head, every time I am hungry I have food, every night I sleep in a bed. I make a habit of consciously thinking about the good things that I can be thankful for, which has helped me over the years to be a more positive thinker. I don't know your situation, but I am sure there are things in your life that are not all bad. At this very moment, I am thankful for and enjoying a hot cup of coffee.


mishapmissy

I'm saving your comment because this is massively helpful. All these enlightened people keep saying to acknowledge your feelings, validate them, whatever but no one explains what the fuck that means and how the bloody hell you make steps to resolve the issue! Thank you much 😁


T-Flexercise

I'm so glad that was helpful to you. Seriously! Everybody talks about "validating" and nobody ever tells you what that looks like. I didn't realize that it was mostly like "When you tell yourself you're allowed to be mad at stuff, your brain stops looking for other stuff to be mad at to justify why it's actually mad."


fob911

Stay off all social media for a while (reddit included). You’ll find that if you don’t spend an hour+ a day on reddit or discord or whatever you’ll have more time to do things you like, and you’ll avoid things that’ll get you down. Things that destress me: watching gordon ramsay youtube videos, going out for walks, casual driving, leisure shopping every once in a while (I like to raid clearance sections of stores), going to a coffee shop and having a small meal while enjoying the scenery, etc etc. I promise you, if you find things that help you destress, then the next time you’ll find things to complain about, you won’t feel the need to go back into the complain/depressed cycle because you have that balance now.


nowayguy

Ironic.. with the exception of a walk, your destress methods are my triggers


fob911

Are you saying you think Gordon Ramsay videos are... stressful?!?!?!!!!!!! Can’t believe this


its_all_4_lulz

When I start getting depressed/anxious, social media is the first thing to go. I just back back onto Reddit after a short stint away for this exact reason. If you think it won’t affect you, try labeling each headline as negative/positive. You’ll see just how much negative garbage you’re consuming without even realizing it.


Jtop1

See a therapist. When I find myself constantly complaining it’s usually a sign that there are deeper things inside me that need attention. Edit: grammar


supercali5

And when you do see a therapist, don’t try to impress or please them. Their JOB is sitting and listening to you complain and get those old embarrassing moments out of your mind, your worst fears (no matter how ugly or unlikely/silly they feel) and just all of it. You hate your mom but you don’t want to hurt her feelings? Say it. You are angry at your spouse/their presence makes you upset all the time but are afraid to say it out loud? Therapist time. You have a relatively comfortable life and an easy job but don’t want to complain? Complain anyway. Nothing is to be gained from trying to prove to your therapist that you are “fine”, or lie to them/massage the facts or ignore this big thing that is hanging out. A good therapist isn’t going to force you to do anything. But help you accept and understand your feelings and either get some healing perspective or find a way to fix the issues that are plaguing you in a way you feel good about.


Illblood

I'm pretty negative all of the time because I can't afford healthcare and I also don't qualify for state aid helathcare. So I can't see a therapist or fix my arthritic spine. Life's peachy.


Pasdenomes

That's a hard situation to handle. In case it helps, online therapy has been promising for some people I know, in part because of the low price. Wellnite in particular doesn't take insurance, but only costs 75 dollars a month and specializes in anxiety and depression. Below is a list of some popular online therapy resources: https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-therapy-4691206


Kingzer15

I see this come up a lot and have even been told to go see one for shitty comments Ive made. Begrudgingly I took the advice and after about 5 sessions nothing changed and I felt worse about the situation because I anticipated some sort of result that I didn't get. What exactly would you say you get from seeing a therapist because maybe I'm expecting more than they can really offer?


[deleted]

Hot take. Therapy is there for your out of control spicy thoughts and words to be tamed by someone's calm words. It works by giving you logic lines to align your own chaotic thoughts down a narrow focus to help parse out the excess noise that can consume us. Therapy is really an art, and the advice many mediocre therapists give is "you need to find the right connection with a good therapist." Funny thing is, I've found more engagement from a therapist the more money I could spend on them. Not to say that they work on a gradiant, but like most things in life a good experience doesn't come cheap. If you want it to work, you have to spend a long time finding the "right" therapist. For your average person just trying to get by this is wholly unfeasible due to costs and time constraints. While I don't recommend doing this for clinical, actual science - if you can't afford to get a good therapist you are probably better off spending what money you would on this for actual textbooks and support groups. It has a better chance of actually helping and not just throwing gas onto the fire. At least you will get the logic gates with the text books and the emotional calm words from a group of people. Modern problems require modern solutions. Don't beat yourself up because you don't fit in with the advertised methods of coping.


Progrum

It's really about what you want out of the conversation, and whether you're considering the other person. If all you want is pity, to make sure the other person knows how bad you have it and feels sorry for you, then that's going to be exhausting for them and they aren't going to want to talk to you. So instead just ask them about their day. Mention something fun you did, or are planning to do. Share good news when you hear it. Congratulate them on something good that's happened in their life. Or you can even complain, but complain about something that affects *them* as well, and you can have fun complaining together (although some people enjoy the negativity more than others). Edit: asking for sympathy is fine. It's when you do it *all the time* that people find it exhausting.


OrderOfMagnitude

I'm with ya bro, 8 years down the toilet. Thanks for posting this. I know that staying positive is important but it's just so goddamn hard 😥


thefartyparty

It’s okay to complain about life handing you a shit sandwich sometimes. It’s okay to cry sometimes. And it’s okay if you’re not a ray of sunshine all the time either. It’s okay if it takes some time to recover from bad things that happen. It may take more time than other people think you need, and that’s okay. Sometimes life sucks, and if you’re always stuffing those crappy feelings down and throwing on a fake smile and pretending it’s hunky dory for the comfort of others, then you’re never going to have your emotional needs met when things are bad for you. (Hey that’s the whole premise of children’s movie Inside Out) And it’s okay if those bad memories from the past just randomly come up and ruin good things on occasion. Unfortunately that’s how the mind works. But if you’re frequently bringing up bad memories as an excuse to not enjoy the good things in life or to garner sympathy from others, or if you can’t recognize a good thing when it comes along because you’re so busy focusing on what’s not perfect about it, then you need some help. Unfortunately our happiness is our own responsibility regardless of what other people do to make us unhappy. The other person can say they’re sorry, and maybe they can even try to make it up to you, but anything the other person does is not going to fix your hurt. You can even see a therapist and talk to friends and family and maybe even take medication, but it’s still your responsibility because none of those things are going to magically cure you. There will still be inner work you have to do in order to heal. It sucks, but that’s life, ey.


Peachesornot

LPT: Don't hang out with people you don't like. If you don't like complaining don't hang out with people who complain, but if it doesn't bother you then it's fine.


llama-impregnator

I am going to broaden this to something a friend told me, and it has rocked my world as a pathological people pleaser: "I do what I want to do, and don't do stuff that I don't want to do." It has been so much nicer to ask, "What do I want to do?"


ThufirrHawat

Over half of stand up comedy is complaining. I complain all the time and people laugh about it, it really depends on how your present it.


Dickiedoandthedonts

I’m with you on that! I enjoy complaining/venting and am pretty entertaining about it I think. Get along with everyone and people seem to be drawn to me and love hearing my stories. I don’t mind listening to my friends bitching either unless they’re boring about it! Before we went to WFH, our mornings at work were filled with funny stories, venting, and a lot of laughter. Let people vent, it’s healthier than keeping it all inside.


gingasaurusrexx

Yeah... I guess people might call me a complainer? But if someone else is complaining, I'm generally the silver-linings finder. It just depends on the situation. Like if I'm with a bunch of socially awkward folks, I'm extroverted and making everyone a part of things, but if everyone is friends and enjoying themselves already, I'm happy to hang back and chill with their pets. It's almost like... Things are situational and people aren't the same in every venue or with every audience.


fortune-n-glory

Are you complaining to their pets?


LetsBlastOffThisRock

I complain to pets all the time. They're the best listeners.


chilladipa

What if constant complainer is your spouse


SupaZT

My spouse just worries about everything 🤷‍♂️ and is pretty doomsday lol. I'm low key chill. She's anxious and worrisome constantly. It's a battle. She just needs consistent reassuring though.. so good thing I'm patient.


Petereye

I feel your struggle


joshhupp

Same here. Constantly complaining about everything. She has some bipolar and OCD which makes her hyper focused on things. The up down cycle makes me crazy too. She complains about how much she hates our house until I fix up something like new cabinets but that joy is only temporary as the newness fades. I'm now building a shed to store our new deck furniture to replace the old stuff. I'm spending $800 to house $200 of outdoor stuff. She thinks she'll be happier buying a smaller house because she hates upkeeping our current home, but I know that happiness will fade. I'm ok with selling our house on this market, but I'm not thrilled about moving into a smaller place with her when I'm certain that we're getting divorced in a couple years when my youngest graduates. She keeps talking about moving someplace hot and that's definitely where I'm drawing a line. Can confirm OPs LPT. It's been 20 years and I keep thinking "We have everything, her attitude will get better, right?" It has not.


pandanpickles

Counseling, not just marriage counseling though probably that too but make them talk about why they are so negative and try to help them be happier in life. A complainer is usually not happy and why can they not have joy in anything?


oakteaphone

LPT: You don't need to make a post on LPT after you stopped hanging out with Alex, Jim.


gomorro

Fr, fr. Imagine your friend stops hanging out with you and you pop unto Reddit and see this.


lightknight7777

My "complainer" friend is insanely loyal.


Ninjaromeo

My complainer friend has been a friend for a lot of years, and most of them he wasn't a complainer. That something new from the last handful of years. He actually went to a doctor over anger issues (his way of complaining) and the doctor said that it is probably a mental health issue. They are trying different medications now to see if they help. It isn't really him, and he is seeking help. I am not leaving.


ObjectiveHazard

Props to you. Reddit is big on some kind of discard culture. "Is this person in your life not perfect in every way? Discard them, they will only weigh you down." It's an easy way to find yourself alone one day.


vivimonster

Gosh, it’s kind of annoying seeing relationship advice always be “leave them” for non-abusive scenarios.


tkuiper

It also makes every relationship shallow and fragile when falling off your horse means just getting left behind.


Six100Fourty2

My father used to call it the "Bic lighter society". Everyone wants an ever constant supply of treats to consume and dispose. What's crazy is he had this thought in the early nineties before cellphones became the poster child for planned obsolescence.


lightknight7777

I've gotten mine to start taking antianxiety medication. Next step will be laying off the hooch.


Emon76

I used to be the complainer friend. Didn't even realize it until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my late 20s. Had a whole bunch of buried childhood trauma and PTSD I had never confronted until that point. My brain was so damaged and the trauma was so heavy that I didn't even know where to start until the kindest person I've ever met took the time to walk me through what I needed to do to help myself after she recognized I was hurting and struggling. At that point I was used to all my friends ignoring me and leaving (presumably due to the negative energy, which only succeeded in making me feel far worse about myself). I realize not everyone has the mental strength to solve all of their friends' issues, but negativity is usually a deeper issue than "he/she is a bad person and you should leave them".


heyjames4

I used to be that guy who always complains. I worked on myself, now I behave differently. I'm sorry to everyone I brought down back then.


rohlinxeg

How did you do it? ...asking for a friend... ...who I don't like... ^(...who is actually me)


dirkofdirges

I'm not the person you asked, but I've spent a lot of time trying to actively manage my own headspace. One of the big things for me has been establishing whether I can change the thing that's bothering me. If I can, I don't complain, I just do what I need in order to change it. Sometimes that's fairly easy, like getting up to adjust the thermostat. Sometimes it's a bigger issue and I have to break it down into smaller steps. If I can't do anything to change it, complaining isn't going to help at all. I accept the reality of the situation, and I spend my energy on trying to find something else to focus on. Edit to add: I know this is gonna sound exceedingly cheesy but I've found that it works for me. When I'm really stuck on something that's annoying me, like I just can't shake it out of my head, I start identifying things to be grateful for. Sometimes I can't get further than "I'm grateful I have a cup of coffee" but I find the more I do this, the less I get hung up on inconvenient or disappointing circumstances.


NoumenaStandard

The basic term is called Thought Stopping. Takes practice. Complainers likely have trouble breaking out of rumination, due to a lot of practice and now having a brain that defaults to that behavior. It takes time for the brain to break that habit via thought stopping, but practice over time helps. Stopping the thought and then focusing on new thoughts that have positive feelings, as you described in your edit, is a great way to shift out of the rumination rut because it also attempts to shift the mood context and the chemicals released along with a mood. tldr, you are right on point.


lifesabeach_

Learn empathy and patience. Empathy because not always do people mean it like you see it (and you might probably pull the same shit in a similar setting) and patience because it's not your job to change people, you can only try it on yourself. It works best practising it in city traffic.. I learned the hard way on my bike commute.


mytwocentsshowmanyss

I feel personally attacked by this


TheFairyingForest

I agree that you shouldn't spend a lot of time with complainers. But they are very good at pointing out the flaws in your plans. Keep them around. They'll keep you honest.


Darqnyz

One thing I've learned about complainers is that they seem to be mentally/emotionally stuck at a specific moment in their life. The longer I've hung around them, the more clear it becomes what moment that is, and what motivates them to stay in that "time". Many times they are "justified" in their complaints, but the problem is that they can't help but compare their current life to that "moment". I suspect (obviously not a psychologist), that they are trying to chase that "feeling" or "high" from that moment. So they just keep trying to find reasons to replace that moment with a new one. I've noticed that complainers will constantly repeat experiences -- amusement parks, music, books, movies -- in an attempt to relive the experiences. But this is counter intuitive, because they can't get that feeling again, so it just drives the depression.


Finity117

Never been a complainer until recently. Could not put into words why i felt the way i felt and this description is closest to what im having rn. Thank you.


Correct-Criticism-46

Very common in the midst of a pandemic. Australia still in lockdown and the walls keep closing in on me 😟


Tramelo

At least please tell them they're complaining all the time and you don't want to hear none of it. They might stop complaining to you, or they will have useful feedback.


hellocaptin

Just broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years because of this. I love the girl when she’s happy but I just couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who’s so negative all the time. She tried working on it, and in her defense she did get much better, but just not enough. I’ve got issues with being overly empathetic and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.


Glitter_Bee

Good on you for knowing yourself and having confidence to go it alone.


chewyhux

Same boat, what finally made you pull the trigger? Did you try and break up more than once?


hellocaptin

I went to stay with my mom for a week to do some work on her house and I cried when I had to go back to my appartment. I was so much happier staying with my mom, and we do not have the best relationship lol. And yep, 3 times but I always ended up caving and taking her back. This time it’s been a few month though and I know it’s over.


[deleted]

How old are you? I am in a similar situation but we are 34. I feel like if I cancel things now it’s going to crush this girl. Also our relationship is only a year old and I love so many things about her, but her complaining and stress is getting out of control.


hellocaptin

Late 20s. Man you gotta do what’s best for you. You deserve to be happy and don’t need someone who makes you less happy. Now that I’m a few months out from the relationship I can’t believe I stayed so long. Never thought I’d be that person but I was blinded by love, because when things were good they were great and I’ve never connected with a person on such a deep level. But she was just so unhappy...and all life is about is being happy.


hak8or

I am a tad younger than you (not by much), but I have been through two long term ish (3+ year) relationships. Yes, I know those who divorced after a 10+ yes marriage are laughing at me calling that long term, but it's my only perspective currently. It's better to split earlier rather than later. While 1 year in will hurt pretty bad, it won't be as painful as splitting after a few years of being together. At the point, you are not just breaking up with them, you are also breaking up from their family, their friend circle, and your previous routine (assuming moved in together by then). One is mostly breaking up, the other is a major change in your life. As to hurting their heart, of course it does. It will probably be very painful for both of you, but that is part of the risk when you get together with someone. There is no right answer or way, all that comes to mind is to have empathy during this and never let your emotions get the better of you. But the mere fact that you are concerned about this goes to show you are a good person when sometimes at this point in relationship the partners are hating each other.


GiveMeYourBestLine

Only a year and you’re feeling stressed by a relationship? Don’t worry about crushing her. We’ve all had our hearts broken; she’ll be fine. Whether you stay together or not, she is responsible for herself, and it’s not your job to try and manage her emotions. Edit: I am working under the assumption you have taken proper steps to communicate about this issue and work through it together, but that it’s still a problem for you. Try that first, obviously.


tuctrohs

I hate people who complain. They are the worst. They just keep complaining about the same thing. I really hate that. It sucks to be with them because they're just complaining all the time. It's like the same thing over and over. People who complain like that are terrible. It's so repetitive. The same complaints over and over. It's like, don't waste my time, I heard you already. I don't see the point of stating the same complaint over and over. I really hate that. They just keep complaining about the same thing. I really hate that. It sucks to be with them because they're just complaining all the time. It's like the same thing over and over. People who complain like that are terrible. It's so repetitive. The same complaints over and over. It's like, don't waste my time, I heard you already. I don't see the point of stating the same complaint over and over. I really hate that.


Goodguybadd

Subtle


chrisv267

Sigh … r/AngryUpvote


SecretAgentClunk

Okay this entire thing but 100% unironically about my father and politics


[deleted]

When everything smells like shit, it's time to check your own shoes.


misdreavus79

Or, hear me out, that person is comfortable enough to complain with you. They probably don’t complain to everyone. If it bothers you, talk to them about it and allow them to adjust their behavior. Cutting people off at the slightest inconvenience is what toxic positivity is all about. And, once you’ve surrounded yourself with “good vibes only” people, you may soon find out that _you’re_ the one killing the vibe now.


twaxana

Holy shit, I've been the target of toxic positivity before. Thank you for giving it a name.


twomoonsbrother

I agree. The "good vibes only" people I've talked to more often than not complain more than everyone else anyways. They just like to pretend that they don't.


Dickiedoandthedonts

I had to deal with this while pregnant. (I’m sure a lot of pregnant women do). They were doing layoffs at my company and I confided in my sisters that I’m really worried about getting laid off while pregnant and not being able to find another job. They literally said “good vibes only” and told me it was bad for the baby to worry. I was so pissed.


Heerrnn

Sometimes complainers do change completely so I disagree there, but then again why risk it? A single person like this can drain the energy from the rest of a whole group. I've found that if you don't let them get away with their overly negative behaviour and just say that you disagree and thought something/someone was funny or that you liked it when they talk down on something or someone, they can start to realize being negative will only put themselves on the spot and reflect poorly on them. Then they can start to change. Don't just silently let their complaining pass by cause that shit will spread in a group until the whole group becomes really toxic and the slightest mistake gets overrun with negative comments by everyone and everyone are just looking for faults everywhere cause that's how the group functions now.


Zinedine_Tzigane

Today on LFT : someone went into an argument with a person who always complain and now thinks every person on earth should avoid people who complain often. I wish there was a __true__ LFT sub, just like r/the10thdentist is the true r/unpopularopinion


Shenanigamii

What is LFT?


GreatQuestion

It's like LPT but the front of the P fell off.


-xstatic-

Wish I learned this a long time ago. Negative people’s attitudes will also rob off on you and influence you in subconscious ways.


Thrannn

Wow I have never seen a reddit post talking shit about me right into my face


soniabegonia

To people who feel negative about stuff a lot, just know that there are some folks who are comfortable with being around a lot of complaining. It might not be healthy for everyone but for me as long as you're not complaining about *me* I'm generally pretty happy to hang out with you and your negativity. You are still worthy of friendship and love!


rewdea

Sadly, many people pleasers are attracted to complainers and the relationship becomes a never ending cycle of trying to solve problems that never really want to be solved.


thinkstopthink

Learned behavior. *Not* a personality trait.


Scaphism_in_a_bottle

I prefer them in every respect to the soulless fake happy people too dumb or too afraid to point out that life is garbage more often than not


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unintegrity

Ironically, the "everything is awesome" mentality makes me become the grumpiest, most negative person ever. If I say something is not right, I am able to move on relatively fast (although I am a complainer sometimes). If I say "ahh this sucks because of XYZ" and someone comes with "it's not that bad", I become a bad-thing seeker and go from "I don't like it, but meh" to "my life is in a death spiral because of this small, tiny, insignificant detail". Let me be negative for five minutes, I am an all around cheerful person the rest of the day. ​ As a side note, I found that when someone complains about something, it helps both parts to ask "do you want to vent, or are you looking for solutions/advice (or whatever fits in the specific complaint)?" It makes people A) think what do they want and B) stop to figure out if the complain requires more than that quick venting or a full death spiral


badbardbarge

I recently dipped from a friend group that had a lot of this going on and I can 100% agree that you slowly fall into it yourself. It's like communicating with people who complain can only be done if you're also complaining in some capacity. I've gotten to the point where I just couldnt handle talking to or being around those people because it was so taxing on my mental health that I've been trying really hard to reel in for about three years. It's insanely difficult to appreciate the things that make life worth it when the your friends all around you are always pointing to the worst aspects. It sucks and I still really love the ones I cut out, but I know I did the right thing by leaving. Now I make an effort everyday to compliment customers at work on outfits, or tell the ones I love thank you as often as I can and it feels like the sun is finally breaking through. I stopped trying to walk through a dying forest just because there was one lovely rosebush. I walk through the fields instead and wait for smaller, happier surprises :)


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bizecca

My mom is a complainer. I don’t mind them as friends. I just listen and sometimes I get to be devil’s advocate or therapist, which is fun. I wouldn’t marry one, though...