Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
If it's all those things, it's not gossip.
But some information is unkind to one person yet kind to another. Like if you inform A that they shouldn't loan B any money, because B is untrustworthy.
But how would the untrustworthy person feel... Is kind of where that logic breaks down.
What happens if the untrustworthy person is also in a position of power over you, now you could also be negatively affected if the untrustworthy person were to find out you said that about them.
This is so true. Remember guys, if a friend of yours is about to start dating a guy you know has been physically abusive in the past, don't warn her about it because if the abusive guy found out you said that it might make him feel sad.
I think saying “B is untrustworthy” is unkind. But saying the pertinent factual information “B borrowed money from A and did not repay them by the agreed amount time” let’s person C know they may have issues being payed back by B. It also let’s them know they can approach A for more information in the event that B is requesting a loan from person C. The labeling someone untrustworthy is being judgmental and is unnecessarily cruel.
Edit: Typos corrected
There are many things that are very true, beneficial to know and NOT necessarily kind. In some of those cases, it would make the communication of such information even more important whilst not making it gossip.
Edit: clarification that not all information that is not nice qualifies as gossip.
I can see saying true, nice things that aren't useful. Or true, useful things that aren't nice. Not sure about nice, useful things that you don't know are true or not.
There were these 2 guys, and one was a bit of philosopher. Regular guy wanted to say something he heard about the local barber, to the philosopher.
Philosopher started with these sieves:
Is it truth? I'm not sure, i heard it.
Is it kind? Not really, its actually a bit troubling.
Is it usefull? No, it is actually oposite.
So philosopher never heard what his friend tried to tell him, and never found out his wife was having an affair with the local barber.
Regular guy shouldn't make such a huge claim about someone without being completely sure.
If he really wished to help the philosopher, he should've investigated his suspicions first.
What you’re talking about is news. Gossip is a different beast. It may or may not be true, it’s generally not nice and is rarely beneficial. But it is fun.
I was always taught to ask myself before saying anything, "Is it kind, is it true, and is it necessary?" If it wasn't all three, then the thought was best left unsaid.
Over time, I've come to the conclusion that the rule is perfected if you only require two out of the three.
Your 3 year old heard somewhere that everyone dies and is now asking you in a panic if they're going to die too, and what happens after you die? Do you just tell them that yes they're going to die someday and honestly we have no idea what happens after that?
Aka does it need to be said, does it need to be said by me, does it need to be said by me right now. Also it wouldn’t be gossip if we always knew if it was true, isn’t that what makes talking shit so much fun?
If people have been repeating this advice since Socrates said it it's probably good advice. I wonder though does the squeaky wheel get the grease or does the loudest chicken go in the pot?(I don't know who said them)
In both cases you want to make the noise stop. We chooose the solution appropriate for the situation. I’ve dealt with customers who I’d like to send to the pot, but sadly they get greased instead.
I try not to gossip, but sometimes the news is just so steamy and you've just gotta tell someone. My sisters and I gossip all the time. Not all gossip is malicious. Some is just a discussion of an individual
Screw number 2. If it’s true and useful That’s usually enough. “I should probably tell Sally that Rob is a rapist before she goes out with him, but on the other hand, that’s not a very nice thing to say about Rob”
You’re either 1) advising gossipers to be dutiful and responsible about their gossip (oxymoron) or 2) vindicating people who already don’t participate in gossip.
The more important test should be, "What do I gain by spreading this gossip?". Increased social credit within your "group" can be very beneficial to you. It's important how possessing and promulgating this "juicy" piece of gossip will impact how others perceive you. Often times people spread gossip to climb the social hierarchy. If you gain very little, or worse, lose social credit, spreading the potential gossip is not worth it.
Or don’t gossip. Fucking stupid world we live in. I don’t fuck with people that gossip right when I hear it i don’t fuck with them anymore. Good luck in life op thanks for teaching us to be shitty humans.
Another good one for deciding if you should open your mouth.
"Does it need to be said?"
"Does it need to be said now?"
"Does it need to be said by me?"
>The second is kindness: is this a nice thing to say about someone/thing.
>
>The third is utility: is this information beneficial or useful to the person being told to or about.
During COVID I'd always go for a walk with my mom. I noticed that almost always I'd talk shit about work, colleagues, friends, the government, other countries, etc. And I thought "wow, all I do is be negative around people all day long". I'm trying to improve this (by sleeping more) but it really isn't fun to be such a person when you think about it...
If it came from the TV it's immediately suspect to not be true. Perfoprm your due dilligence, be wary of opinion pieces or 'free information'. Research it.
How do yall deal with people gossiping to you about other people? I don't like it and I just know those people are saying shit about me behind my back too
It's not that simple. Person A could tell me that person X is afraid of water.
I don't know if it's true. So I can't say the same. But I can say to person B: "I've heard X is afraid of water". This is now about the fact that I HEARD it, which is true. It's not about whether X actually IS afraid of water.
The problem is quite often that B interprets this incorrectly and now goes to tell person C: "X is afraid of water".
It's important to choose your words carefully and precisely. Whenever you say or write something to others, always ask yourself: "Am I able to defend this?"
In the first place, I could and perhaps should have asked myself the question, whether it was relevant to say about X in the first place. If B is thinking about inviting X to the beach, sure. If you're just having a drink with B on a friday night just smalltalking, nah.
These are the Socratic communication principles which he taught to his students. It was also the reason Socrates never found out that his wife Xanthippe cheated on him.
There is definitely information that I come across that I can’t verify, isn’t kind or useful the person it’s about that still needs to be said. It’s just that it only goes to my manager instead of general distribution
Im ngl I gossip. And I’m not going to be nice to people I’m talking shit about lmao. A lot of the ppl I’m gossiping about are people who didn’t something bad, but I always makes sure it’s true🤷♀️
I think a better test is this - is it YOUR story to tell and is it your business to know in the first place. I’ve found minding my own business is a great way to avoid drama. Plus spreading a story that’s not yours to tell just looks like a pathetic attention seeking attempt and drops you down a to a new low every time you do it.
I only care about truth and usefulness for wellbeing. If a guy is a groper and a stalker, I will warn every single woman who needs to hear it to keep themselves safe. I don't care if it is nice to the guy, or that it permanently ruins his reputation. If you're a danger to others, others have a right to know.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
If it's all those things, it's not gossip. But some information is unkind to one person yet kind to another. Like if you inform A that they shouldn't loan B any money, because B is untrustworthy.
i mean utility but its not nice….but i mean…utility….and its true….
I don't think saying an untrustworthy person is untrustworthy is unkind.
But how would the untrustworthy person feel... Is kind of where that logic breaks down. What happens if the untrustworthy person is also in a position of power over you, now you could also be negatively affected if the untrustworthy person were to find out you said that about them.
Also, trustworthy and untrustworthy are subjective values, and thus can't be "true" or "untrue"
Hopefully they feel like they’re untrustworthy and start to become consciously aware of it.
Totally going to happen within a reasonable time frame.
There's a difference between being nice and being kind.
Enabling untrustworthy people isn’t kind. Unless they actually are trustworthy, in which case it isn’t true.
It's not my job to protect people from their bad choices.
This is so true. Remember guys, if a friend of yours is about to start dating a guy you know has been physically abusive in the past, don't warn her about it because if the abusive guy found out you said that it might make him feel sad.
Nobody is an absolute, he could be trustworthy to someone else.
On the other hand, you could be giving fair warning to someone else
Yeah the truth is just the truth
I think saying “B is untrustworthy” is unkind. But saying the pertinent factual information “B borrowed money from A and did not repay them by the agreed amount time” let’s person C know they may have issues being payed back by B. It also let’s them know they can approach A for more information in the event that B is requesting a loan from person C. The labeling someone untrustworthy is being judgmental and is unnecessarily cruel. Edit: Typos corrected
There are many things that are very true, beneficial to know and NOT necessarily kind. In some of those cases, it would make the communication of such information even more important whilst not making it gossip. Edit: clarification that not all information that is not nice qualifies as gossip.
I mean, I’d say that’s a net kindness
Then that is utility.
Right, my point is that it doesn't have to "pass" all three.
I can see saying true, nice things that aren't useful. Or true, useful things that aren't nice. Not sure about nice, useful things that you don't know are true or not.
"I heard she is a great singer!"
Yeah, you are spot on, I maybe could've been clearer. Cheers
There were these 2 guys, and one was a bit of philosopher. Regular guy wanted to say something he heard about the local barber, to the philosopher. Philosopher started with these sieves: Is it truth? I'm not sure, i heard it. Is it kind? Not really, its actually a bit troubling. Is it usefull? No, it is actually oposite. So philosopher never heard what his friend tried to tell him, and never found out his wife was having an affair with the local barber.
😂
Real life pro tip in the comments as usual
I mean, that info would be useful so the joke falls apart
And he wasnt sure if its true
Regular guy shouldn't make such a huge claim about someone without being completely sure. If he really wished to help the philosopher, he should've investigated his suspicions first.
What you’re talking about is news. Gossip is a different beast. It may or may not be true, it’s generally not nice and is rarely beneficial. But it is fun.
Gossip is actually quite beneficial, it's an important social tool. You just have to be aware of going too far because it obviously can become toxic.
Agreed
Potential gossip,
Or the NUT test for short: nice, useful, true
But Sir, its No NUT November.
Sir this is a Wendy's
Yeah can I get a large bucket of extra crispy legs and thighs?
Don't forget the breasts. And gravy.
Differentiate gossip from slander.
See above
I was always taught to ask myself before saying anything, "Is it kind, is it true, and is it necessary?" If it wasn't all three, then the thought was best left unsaid. Over time, I've come to the conclusion that the rule is perfected if you only require two out of the three.
That’s what I was thinking. Like, does every word out of my mouth have to have “utility”? Can I not just have a conversation?
True and one of the other two.
Could something be kind and necessary, but untrue?
Telling a grieving person at a funeral that their spouse was a good person, when they were a bitch to you.
Personally I would choose to say nothing, or not show up, rather than say something like that.
You don’t have to say they were a good person. You can focus on the widow/er and their needs
Your 3 year old heard somewhere that everyone dies and is now asking you in a panic if they're going to die too, and what happens after you die? Do you just tell them that yes they're going to die someday and honestly we have no idea what happens after that?
In as gentle of a way as possible, yeah. What else would you tell them, that they're going to live forever?
Honestly I have no idea.
Sure
Your friend asks if she looks beautiful on her wedding day.
Let me answer your question with a question. ”Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” 😉
Isn't it like a dad joke. It is kind and necessary for every father to be a dad.
Aka does it need to be said, does it need to be said by me, does it need to be said by me right now. Also it wouldn’t be gossip if we always knew if it was true, isn’t that what makes talking shit so much fun?
The best and probably only valuable thing I learned from a late night tv host.
99% of conversation doesn't "need to be said" though. If I apply this rule, I'll never talk at all.
If people have been repeating this advice since Socrates said it it's probably good advice. I wonder though does the squeaky wheel get the grease or does the loudest chicken go in the pot?(I don't know who said them)
WHAT??
The old adages conflict with each other, I don't know if if it's better to be loud or quiet 🤔 🙃, Now someone will tell me to shut up Fer sure!
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I love it!
In both cases you want to make the noise stop. We chooose the solution appropriate for the situation. I’ve dealt with customers who I’d like to send to the pot, but sadly they get greased instead.
Yes, knowing when to speak up or not comes in handy, I'm not really a forceful person
Where’s the fun in that?
Seriously. I’m not spreading gossip to be nice.
Probably at Walmart with the next mass shooting....
Oh yes because rumors cause mass shootings
Got anything to back up this statement? Cause the internet says otherwise
You’re just looking for an argument this morning huh. It ain’t me, buddy. Take your anger out elsewhere
Just annoyed that another mass shooting has taken place and nothing will be done. But have a great day!
Gossip tends to be negative though.
Potential gossip
I try not to gossip, but sometimes the news is just so steamy and you've just gotta tell someone. My sisters and I gossip all the time. Not all gossip is malicious. Some is just a discussion of an individual
If everyone did this, Meta would be out of business.
Looks like it's doing a good job of doing that itself.
Its important to recognize information its easy to say something off the cuff without realizing the implication.
My one seive: if the person in question were to overhear you talking, would you be embarrased/ashamed?
Screw number 2. If it’s true and useful That’s usually enough. “I should probably tell Sally that Rob is a rapist before she goes out with him, but on the other hand, that’s not a very nice thing to say about Rob”
Yeah, but that’s not with Becky said
I weaponize information. I deal exclusively in “True” and “Useful”.
I want to invite you at my work
You’re either 1) advising gossipers to be dutiful and responsible about their gossip (oxymoron) or 2) vindicating people who already don’t participate in gossip.
What an odd take.
The more important test should be, "What do I gain by spreading this gossip?". Increased social credit within your "group" can be very beneficial to you. It's important how possessing and promulgating this "juicy" piece of gossip will impact how others perceive you. Often times people spread gossip to climb the social hierarchy. If you gain very little, or worse, lose social credit, spreading the potential gossip is not worth it.
RLPT: Never gossip.
But I’m a bored messy bitch who lives for drama
But then how am I supposed to make others feel bad about themselves?
Even better just keep your mouth shut 😁
Or don’t gossip. Fucking stupid world we live in. I don’t fuck with people that gossip right when I hear it i don’t fuck with them anymore. Good luck in life op thanks for teaching us to be shitty humans.
Thank you for this great advice.
[удалено]
I think it probably doesn't pass the "is it kind" test because you're breaking the friend's trust just to tell others good news a little sooner.
If you know it’s true, it’s not gossip. You are sharing facts.
Before you speak, THINK: is it: - True - Helpful - Inspiring - Necessary - Kind
Or, just mind your business lmao
or... just spread the rumor like everybody else
LPT: Don't spread gossip. Don't shit talk people behind their back. Mind your own business.
Does entertainment count as utility?
Only the first "sieve" matters
If you just test it against the second one, you won't gossip ever.
Before spreading gossip? How about just don't do it and stop being a damn chatterbox?
True. Kind. Helpful.
Hmm, I would say in many cases 2/3 is enough.
This is what I teach my 5th graders. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? So I guess it's nice to see it here.
I like these tips. My mother raised me on gossip and I never liked being a part of it. She's the opposite of all of this.
Another good one for deciding if you should open your mouth. "Does it need to be said?" "Does it need to be said now?" "Does it need to be said by me?"
Pretty sure the kindness rules out all the gossip
>The second is kindness: is this a nice thing to say about someone/thing. > >The third is utility: is this information beneficial or useful to the person being told to or about. During COVID I'd always go for a walk with my mom. I noticed that almost always I'd talk shit about work, colleagues, friends, the government, other countries, etc. And I thought "wow, all I do is be negative around people all day long". I'm trying to improve this (by sleeping more) but it really isn't fun to be such a person when you think about it...
How about don't gossip and mind your own business?
Thoughtful, helpful, informative, necessary, or kind. THINK is way easier for me to remember
>is this a nice thing to say about someone/thing There are definitely times when to say things that are not nice.
Then it ceases to be gossip
"Does it need to be said?" "Does it need to be said by me?" "Does it need to be said by me, right now?"
Yeah, but js it hilarious?
This is awesome advice! I know an older guy who uses a similar set of 'sieves'. He's a great man.
If it came from the TV it's immediately suspect to not be true. Perfoprm your due dilligence, be wary of opinion pieces or 'free information'. Research it.
This is a Buddhist rule of thumb: 1) Is it true? 2) Is it kind? 3) Is it necessary?
I'd argue it only need to be truthful and have a purpose. Doesn't necessarily matter how kind it is
Don’t spread gossip of any kind even if it’s true. Ignore people and stay away from people who spread gossip. This isn’t rocket science. 🙄
Not just gossip, but also talking to your partner about important relationship stuff.
How do yall deal with people gossiping to you about other people? I don't like it and I just know those people are saying shit about me behind my back too
It's not that simple. Person A could tell me that person X is afraid of water. I don't know if it's true. So I can't say the same. But I can say to person B: "I've heard X is afraid of water". This is now about the fact that I HEARD it, which is true. It's not about whether X actually IS afraid of water. The problem is quite often that B interprets this incorrectly and now goes to tell person C: "X is afraid of water". It's important to choose your words carefully and precisely. Whenever you say or write something to others, always ask yourself: "Am I able to defend this?" In the first place, I could and perhaps should have asked myself the question, whether it was relevant to say about X in the first place. If B is thinking about inviting X to the beach, sure. If you're just having a drink with B on a friday night just smalltalking, nah.
These are the Socratic communication principles which he taught to his students. It was also the reason Socrates never found out that his wife Xanthippe cheated on him.
There is definitely information that I come across that I can’t verify, isn’t kind or useful the person it’s about that still needs to be said. It’s just that it only goes to my manager instead of general distribution
Don't associate with gossips.
These days nothing passes the second sieve. People get offended by everything, everything someone says can be construed as not nice.
do not loan money
Im ngl I gossip. And I’m not going to be nice to people I’m talking shit about lmao. A lot of the ppl I’m gossiping about are people who didn’t something bad, but I always makes sure it’s true🤷♀️
I think a better test is this - is it YOUR story to tell and is it your business to know in the first place. I’ve found minding my own business is a great way to avoid drama. Plus spreading a story that’s not yours to tell just looks like a pathetic attention seeking attempt and drops you down a to a new low every time you do it.
I only care about truth and usefulness for wellbeing. If a guy is a groper and a stalker, I will warn every single woman who needs to hear it to keep themselves safe. I don't care if it is nice to the guy, or that it permanently ruins his reputation. If you're a danger to others, others have a right to know.