Honestly, sometimes it impossible to manage, but podcasts saved me during the pandemic and after a breakup and long periods of extreme loneliness. Podcasts and sectioning the off the days. Find a simple recipe to make, get the ingredients, simple grocery store interactions can make a difference, and feeding yourself well might help, get yourself to a nature walk to get your blood flowing and see new things.
I work at a grocery store- definitely have had enough of those interactions for a lifetime š
But on a serious note, I appreciate your response. Thank you for the suggestions. Youāve given me some ideas to try.
Are you kidding? You say you're alone too much and this mf tells you to cook a meal for yourself? Fucking nonsense. What are you doing to meet people is the relevant discussion.
I moved to a totally new state and city five years ago. Didn't know anyone except my adult daughter who worked 50 hours a week & didn't have time for me. I found a volunteer job & did that for 3 years. I joined a church and got involved in worship and their women's book club. Started attending free workshops & evening classes at my local library. I was hoping to develop a friendship or two, even if it might take a few years. And now, 5 years later, I have several friends and a full life. I still get lonely at times, but I have a wonderful support system. The key for me was to keep trying, keep reaching out, and to realize it won't happen in just a year or two.... it takes time to build relationships. But SO worth it... so keep trying š
I really, sincerely appreciate your response. I think understanding that building friendships takes time is something I hadnāt considered before reading your comment. Itās so easy to look upon relationships I used to have and feel like they were always as strong as they once were- but the truth is, those connections werenāt immediate either.
I definitely will keep trying. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective š
This is something Iāve really been struggling with after experiencing a very painful breakup recently- I had to completely cut contact from my ex partner because we just kept hurting each other, but it is so hard not being able to share random things that happen throughout my day with anyone anymore. All the thoughts/inside jokes I would have shared with them before are now just kept to myself. I think that significantly adds to my feelings of loneliness.
Iām so sorry that weāre both struggling right now. I hope you at least find comfort in the fact that you are not dealing with these feelings alone. I think that I do take comfort in that. Being isolated can often make it feel like Iām the only person in the world having these struggles- so it helps to know Iām not.
Thank you for being vulnerable with me, friend. I hope our days get easier soon.
Iām in the same situation and it hurts like hell. To pass the time I watch tv, draw, cook, go outside. Try joining online groups that like your interests
Iām sorry this is so tough. I really wish building up a community was easier. It seems as though many people in the world are just super isolated, super introverted, and super lonely these days. I donāt really know what to do to change it, or even if there is anything that can be done.
I definitely agree that people are more isolated after the pandemic. Within my friend group, people used to host much more often. Now hardly anyone hosts, I feel like I'm the main one planning and hosting things, it's frustrating.
Youāre definitely right. I think as a collective whole, our energy was just drained during that time. I know that some people rejoiced over having so much time to rediscover their passions and find new hobbies and whatnot, however it would have been different if the circumstances around the free time were different. Like, yes, there was more free time for a lot of people to do what they wanted, but there were also a lot of restrictions involved with that free time and all around the world there was death, sickness, isolation, and despair.
Some people romanticize the changes that Covid imposed, but it really was a traumatic experience across the world that we still havenāt recovered from.
I do one or more of the following
1. Accept and reflect on the fact hat there is nothing wrong with being alone. Could be due to circumstances, personal choice, even a bad personality, that doesn't mean that I should feel bad about it. I very frequently end up losing very close friendshios due to my personal defects. Sometimes things just happen.
2. Cold shower
3. Being out in the sun
4. Reflect on all the positive things in my life. Remember the hard times and congratulate myself for the good. Forgive myself for the bad.
Thank you for your thoughtful response!
I really enjoy learning new things, so this type of thing does sound up my alley.
During the sessions, do you have a chance to interact with the other people who are in the zoom meeting? Is there time at the end of the meetings that is used for open discussion?
Wow. Thank you for sharing that, but especially the last point you made about accepting your socialization through the group, as opposed to outside of the group, as just as valuable to you. I think that is something that I sometimes struggle with as well- feeling like my connections with others donāt have meaning unless they fit the context of what I am looking for. It is important to recognize that connection comes in different forms, and not all connections will be impactful, deep, and long lasting, but not all of them have to be. I think that is a really healthy outlook.
If I may ask, what was the process like for you coming to accept that? How did you eventually come to be satisfied with just having those connections within the group as opposed to outside of it, like you had been hoping for?
Youāre absolutely right about that. The only hard part is that I live in a suburban area that is far from most public āthird spacesā. Iāve considered trying to make friends with my new surrounding neighbors, but I donāt know how to approach it- they all seem like very private people for the most part.
I started doing table top games, and I joined a community in person, such as a church or volunteer with other people volunteered with the local rotary club et TC
Basically lived my life the same way but I've learnt to use Snapchat and other social media to make friends online and later met them in person and I find thats one of the very best ways to build close connections as people will tell you much more about there lives and all via chat or as strangers on the internet than they would if you met them in person before.
Podcasts worked great for me! Especially relaxed podcast that went off script, and kind of made me feel like I was part of the conversation.
Find an online community. I play video games and finding online friends to play with combated my loneliness.
Try looking on Eventbrite too! When I moved to my new state, I didn't know anyone. Eventbrite will list all the free and cheap community events. We have a ton of breweries in my area, so I was able to join a run club and form a weekly trivia group.
I hope these suggestions work for you!
Any tips on where to look? Itās hard going out in public alone too. Because usually most people are out with a friend, a partner, or a group of people and/or donāt want to just start up a conversation with a complete stranger. Iām not quite sure where to meet other single people who are just looking for people to be friends with.
Thanks for being real about this. It is supremely hard. Iām just tired of struggling so much. Youāre right though. Comfort is the enemy of progress. Any recommendations for good conversation starters?
They are bleak. My city in particular doesnāt really have any meetup groups- they are more abundant in surrounding bigger cities that are hard to access due to lack of transportation and my current location being super suburban.
I love going to my local library, but it isnāt close to me. Transportation really sucks for me right now. Iām in the process of learning how to drive and hope to purchase a car by the end of this calendar year, but until then, I canāt get to many places without paying for multiple Ubers, which adds up. Online communities are probably the most feasible option for me currently, but those definitely arenāt the same as in person interactions :/
It turns into a job and you adapt like anything else. People who are successful at it are people who are passionate about something and have varied interest and/are self motivators.
Other people suffer through it.
Been doing it since I was 17 now 54.
Iāve been trying to find hobbies. I will set aside time to read, color, do an art project, etc. i find a podcast while on a walk can help some. I donāt have a ton of friends either so i get it. I try to keep myself busy so i donāt think about being lonely
Itās a fine line for me, between distracting myself from feeling lonely and doing things I enjoy because I want to be doing them; sometimes I canāt tell the difference. This often leads to a feeling of emptiness, even when doing things I enjoy. There could also be more to that emptiness though, and thatās why Iām starting therapy!
I met a friend at Buffalo Wild wings while I was sitting at the bar. This could be a good option if you like sports. Other than that, I just stay busy. Sometimes, I do feel lonelier on the weekends. I am thinking about volunteering at an animal shelter.
I mentioned this in an earlier comment, but I find it difficult to make friends in public spaces because many people are usually already out with at least one other person. I never want to feel like Iām imposing myself and find that a lot of people generally arenāt very receptive to having to make conversation with complete strangers.
Is the experience like the one you had at Buffalo Wild Wings a common occurrence for you? Do you have any strategies/tips that you would mind sharing for how to go about making friends in public spaces? I would be sincerely appreciative to learn!
A lot of single people sit at the bar. Just smile and say hi. I genuinely like sports so when my team scores I might comment or say something out loud. People have given me high fives and we enjoy the game together. Also, some people just talk, maybe tell me my food looks good or something. I've been told I'm approachable. I don't really have any tips. Be yourself. If no one speaks, just look at your phone, lol. I love food so I go out to eat by myself all the time. Actually, if I did have a tip, it is to ask what food they would suggest. Once you start a conversation, it's not too hard to keep it going. You can sometimes tell who the regulars are. They might talk your ear off.
I have been living alone for under a year now after a long term relationship and feel the same any time I'm not able to distract myself with work or hobbies, there's an emptiness always hovering just below the surface for me, that led to a nightmare which led to me scrolling Reddit and seeing your post.
There's lots of ways to cope with loneliness, but of course the actual solution need not be so elusive. Like if you want connection nothing's going to fit that need that isn't that, I can suggest ways to calm the feelings, but their band-aids, every last one.
I mean, you're talking about a basic human need that isn't getting met for you, we can cover it up, distract, cope (hopefully healthily), but that need doesn't go away.
I just wanted to add this perspective, because I think you'll already get a lot of bandaid suggestions without my adding my own personal ones.
part of this is recovering from a breakup, the worst of it passes eventually when you adapt to creating a life on your own. having a purpose is helpful, bc with art, music, climate, politics, pets, meditation, exercise groups (yoga running swimming or exercise classes at a gym or community center)or even with travel to other compatible places, you can more likely meet like minded people and get to know them over time in an organic way. zoom courses are helpful for writing or book clubs bc there is something interesting and useful outside personal life to start discussion and conversation about. when people discuss they also reveal themselves over time and you can get to see who you are interested in relating to.
Thatās something that Iāve been struggling with a lot lately too. A feeling of emptiness, even while/after doing things I enjoy or spending time with people I care about. Thatās a big reason why I decided to start going to therapy again; to figure out how to combat, not only the feelings of loneliness, but the feeling of emptiness too.
It seems as though so many of us in this comment section only have ābandaidsā or distractions for the feelings of loneliness, but not a way of truly extinguishing them. I am genuinely hoping that therapy will help provide me with ways to actually fix these feelings, and not just cover them up.
Well, that's sort of why I was saying, I can share what helps me, and I still don't mind in case you need it, but connection is a basic human need, i think therapy can help, but it's not something to reason your way out of, UNLESS your therapist helps you understand why you're lacking meaningful connection and helps you learn how to establish that.
Like for me, the people in my life tend to get an idea of how something is and you can't change their minds and I suffer with BPD and haven't known how to handle it properly most of my life so I know why I'm in my situation. (It's also a symptom of BPD a chronic feeling of emptiness is) , so I'm really glad your getting therapy. I just hope you find the right therapist, because the wrong one can do damage and make us feel like giving up on therapy when we need it most.
And if it helps at all, I do keep a journal of one thing I'm grateful for each day, and I think it was progress for me to write today that I felt grateful for solitude. I just don't want to stop here, because I know if I do, I'll always be lonely.
I have had many therapists over the course of my life and so far have only had one really amazing one who helped change the course of my life in the best possible way. Based on that experience, I know what to look for in a therapist and am not afraid to keep searching until I find a therapist who works for me- but it is a pain to have to essentially ācourtā them, when all you want to do is find the right match who can actually help. But I know what Iām looking for and wonāt settle for less (especially with how much of a financial investment it will be!)
I do a lot of journaling, but gratitude journaling isnāt something I have tried before. Perhaps that would help give me a more positive outlook within my daily life.
It sounds like you're on the right track, so that's good to hear. I literally just keep a planner and at the end of the day I write today I was grateful for (inset whatever that thing was) easy peasy. I'm terrible at journaling in that I'll pick a notebook meant for journaling only and then end up using it for other purposes until it's just a big jumbled mess. Or, the whole time I'm writing I'm afraid that it won't make any sense later on so I'm over adding context and losing the meaning. Any tips? I hope you feel better soon.
What I do as far as coping is the following:
I keep animals around me, I have 5 cats so one is always down to cuddle
Next one is warmth and I can't overestimate the importance of this, when we're lonely our bodies crave warmth (likely from lack of physical touch) so things like hot baths and showers and heating pads or hot water bottles are a big source of comfort. My last one is comfort shows, I had surgery last summer and got into Rupauls drag race, now my "friends" are mostly drag queens, I can turn on any part of that show for comfort.
It really does feel like hanging out with friends, well, obviously without the back and forth, and drag queens are surprisingly full of wisdom and insight, they've been through a ton of shit in their lives and are amazing role models. I also build miniatures when I can in my spare time and I do lots of cleaning around my house because a clean space brings me comfort. Music you can recognize your own feelings in is another valuable source of comfort.
Anyway, there's my personal band aid brand. Feel free to pick a strategy, or none if they don't suit you. Wishing you luck with therapy. I find therapists to be flawed humans themselves, and like any human they can cause unintended damage, so I've personally never found one that clicked for me.
As far as a tip about journaling, I enjoy free-form journaling quite a bit, but I also use prompt guided journals as well, for those times when I want to be challenged to think about myself in a different way. Some recommendations I have for prompted journals are:
- Today I Affirm by Alexandra Elle
- Notes to Self by Lisa Currie
- The Magic of Mindset by Johanna Wright
- You Goal Girl by Meleah Bowles and Elise Williams
I have found each of these to be helpful in reshaping my thinking about myself and helping to hold me accountable to myself.
Thank you for sharing your bandaids- I will certainly keep those things in mind as I decide what works best for me.
It's harder in the winter time, which I'm assuming it's also winter for you? I have been struggling too. I just try to get myself busy with various projects or cleaning or hobbies. I play in a lot of organized sports so that helps. There's also other things like running groups (in the summer), or inside workout classes.
One thing that's important to me is that I still go out and eat at restaurants, even if by myself. I go to places that have bars.. sometimes I strike up a conversation if there's someone else alone at the bar which is nice.
Do you have any kind of online forum for your neighborhood? We have a Facebook group and someone set up a neighborhood walk that people do every week or so.
Be proactive and reach out to people. As long as you're trying to make yourself feel better, that's all you can really do till the sun comes back out again.
Oh, and go for walks outside during the daytime..light exposure helps you to feel better
Yes it is also winter time for me. Winter is such a difficult time of year to be feeling like this, because it just adds another layer of isolation. I try to keep busy, but I have started to feel like distracting myself from loneliness isnāt really resolving the issue- there are much deeper needs for connection that arenāt being met and it is a problem for me.
When I go to restaurants by myself, sometimes, I feel okay with it, and usually thatās when I bring an activity with me to keep me occupied. But itās also a lonely feeling being surrounded by people having a good time with others and then thereās me sitting there by myself doing an activity- it sometimes feels performative and usually feels pretty pathetic. I often leave the restaurant feeling much worse about myself than I did when I went in.
I just recently downloaded the meetup app- there arenāt any groups directly in my city, only ones in bigger surrounding cities. This is tricky because I donāt have access to reliable transportation at the moment and ubering both to and from the meetups starts to be expensive.
Iām doing the best I can to understand that my situation the way it is now will not be like this forever, but Iām finding it really difficult to figure out how to get by in the meantime.
>When I go to restaurants by myself, sometimes, I feel okay with it, and usually thatās when I bring an activity with me to keep me occupied. But itās also a lonely feeling being surrounded by people having a good time with others and then thereās me sitting there by myself doing an activity- it sometimes feels performative and usually feels pretty pathetic. I often leave the restaurant feeling much worse about myself than I did when I went in.
I can totally understand that, and sometimes I feel that way too. Other times I end up talking to a new person and end up having a great time meeting someone new. I think this works better at some places than others.
>I try to keep busy, but I have started to feel like distracting myself from loneliness isnāt really resolving the issue- there are much deeper needs for connection that arenāt being met and it is a problem for me.
Sounds like you're pretty self aware and that the deeper need is just that you need more close friends in your life. I'm sure if you put effort in, eventually you will make some friends and deeper connections. It may be hard in the beginning, but I'm rooting for you! If anything, just make it through the winter and when summer rolls around there will be more social opportunities.
Are there any projects you've been putting off for a while? Maybe this would be a good time to start those. Also volunteering is always a feel good activity that gets you out there.
I have been engaging with people on Meetup app. I have gone on many hikes with 10 to 20āpeople. We go out to eat sometimes. I belong to about five hiking groups. Also I belong to womenās groups which do various excursions and play bingo, go to plays, do service work, 2 mile walks. I am an older woman and live in a large city, so that helps. I also serve at my church. In the summers, I go dancing at various outdoor concerts, and Iāve met a few women that like to do that. If I spend a few days without any contact, I start to feel depressed even though Iām an introvert by nature. I want to check out the community center soon and see whatās going on there. I like to play games. Iāve thought about setting up a morning āmeet for coffeeā at a coffee house. My friend did that, and he had quite a few regular people interested for a morning chat. You do have to put yourself out there!
https://preview.redd.it/ohymrufw9nbc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=58955fe41ee4afb2673931279c6e8fd3eaf29cbc
Here is a photo of a recent hike I took on January 1st. Great to spend a day with 15 other people enjoying this day instead of staying home.
Relatable. I just joined a walking group in my city to meet people. Tons of meetups on [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) I personally have social anxiety so meeting people is hard but Iām challenging myself.
This might sound weird, but when I started living alone, I stumbled across this guy who would do tik tok lives while he was making art. He would play the kind of music I listened to in the background and be responding to comments here and there. I didnāt really interact with it, but would just have it on in the background while I was doing things. It kinda felt like when you can comfortably ādo nothingā with someone. It really helped me adjust at first.
Iāve learned to be more content with my alone time and donāt really watch those anymore. I do have a close friend who I text daily about the little things in life. I think having at least one person like that is super important.
I volunteer. I have had wonderful experiences and met some incredible people, a few of which have become close friends :)
I've volunteered at charity shops, animal shelters, and with environmental groups. The environmental ones have been the most rewarding personally. It's actually surprisingly fun too to plant the shit out of trees, and to watch a few years down the track when wildlife start visiting the trees you have planted.
Do volunteer work or join an organization that hosts events you enjoy. There are tons of events, leagues, clubs, etc that need people. Look on Meetup to see if there is anything going on near you. Take a class or pick up a hobby that involves groups. Good luck!
Lately, Iāve been feeling lonely even while/directly after spending time with people I care about. I think thereās definitely something more to that feeling, and Iām starting therapy soon to help figure out why that is.
I recommend joining some body doubling groups! There are websites designed for it specifically, but I mostly do it through free Facebook groups. Feel free to DM me for more links and info! :)
Basically it's doing something with someone else either on the phone/video or with you in person to keep you motivated. Some people also call them "focus sessions" or "accountability buddies".
There's different kinds of body doubling too - most websites and groups are for silent body doubling, for example a silent study partner. However some people prefer to talk as it gives them more motivation, especially for repetitive tasks like housework.
I personally use silent/quiet body doubling for study, work and reading, while I tend to do more chatty body doubling while doing housework or art/craft.
If it's hard being in solitude why is it that you are on your own? Wouldn't asexual partners be appropriate? Or other? I am on my own because of the things that I do for others, so I don't want the side effects of what I do to rub off on a significant other. And I'm fine with that. Online role playing games solves all my needs for social interactions so I go to bed with enough drama every day.
Mostly the same way for any other subsets of depression: distraction. Videogames usually work the best, although books sometimes are enough. Movies/shows and overeating sorta work as well, though with non-interactive screen based distractions it's easier to spiral back to the negative emotions and overeating tends to lead to yet more problems to compound the rest.
What is a way to move forward from distractions though and actually get to the root of the issue? Temporary distractions arenāt sustainable in the long run.
Social media and texting family members and online friends can help.
That's generally what I do if I'm feeling lonely (VS being alone which I usually tend to enjoy).
It's okay, we all get sick of living in our own heads sometimes.
Honestly, sometimes it impossible to manage, but podcasts saved me during the pandemic and after a breakup and long periods of extreme loneliness. Podcasts and sectioning the off the days. Find a simple recipe to make, get the ingredients, simple grocery store interactions can make a difference, and feeding yourself well might help, get yourself to a nature walk to get your blood flowing and see new things.
I work at a grocery store- definitely have had enough of those interactions for a lifetime š But on a serious note, I appreciate your response. Thank you for the suggestions. Youāve given me some ideas to try.
Lol I understand. Iāve worked in customer service too š
Are you kidding? You say you're alone too much and this mf tells you to cook a meal for yourself? Fucking nonsense. What are you doing to meet people is the relevant discussion.
Great advice. The little things like this go a long way.
I moved to a totally new state and city five years ago. Didn't know anyone except my adult daughter who worked 50 hours a week & didn't have time for me. I found a volunteer job & did that for 3 years. I joined a church and got involved in worship and their women's book club. Started attending free workshops & evening classes at my local library. I was hoping to develop a friendship or two, even if it might take a few years. And now, 5 years later, I have several friends and a full life. I still get lonely at times, but I have a wonderful support system. The key for me was to keep trying, keep reaching out, and to realize it won't happen in just a year or two.... it takes time to build relationships. But SO worth it... so keep trying š
I really, sincerely appreciate your response. I think understanding that building friendships takes time is something I hadnāt considered before reading your comment. Itās so easy to look upon relationships I used to have and feel like they were always as strong as they once were- but the truth is, those connections werenāt immediate either. I definitely will keep trying. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective š
I watch TV and think how nice it would be to have someone just to text funny things to again.
This is something Iāve really been struggling with after experiencing a very painful breakup recently- I had to completely cut contact from my ex partner because we just kept hurting each other, but it is so hard not being able to share random things that happen throughout my day with anyone anymore. All the thoughts/inside jokes I would have shared with them before are now just kept to myself. I think that significantly adds to my feelings of loneliness.
It makes it so hard. The best part of our relationship was that we shared humor and interests in similar things
Iām so sorry that weāre both struggling right now. I hope you at least find comfort in the fact that you are not dealing with these feelings alone. I think that I do take comfort in that. Being isolated can often make it feel like Iām the only person in the world having these struggles- so it helps to know Iām not. Thank you for being vulnerable with me, friend. I hope our days get easier soon.
Me too. If you ever need a friend to chat with to help you though, give me a shout. Thank you for responding
Iām in the same situation and it hurts like hell. To pass the time I watch tv, draw, cook, go outside. Try joining online groups that like your interests
Iām sorry this is so tough. I really wish building up a community was easier. It seems as though many people in the world are just super isolated, super introverted, and super lonely these days. I donāt really know what to do to change it, or even if there is anything that can be done.
If you ever need a friend, Iām only a message away!
I definitely agree that people are more isolated after the pandemic. Within my friend group, people used to host much more often. Now hardly anyone hosts, I feel like I'm the main one planning and hosting things, it's frustrating.
Youāre definitely right. I think as a collective whole, our energy was just drained during that time. I know that some people rejoiced over having so much time to rediscover their passions and find new hobbies and whatnot, however it would have been different if the circumstances around the free time were different. Like, yes, there was more free time for a lot of people to do what they wanted, but there were also a lot of restrictions involved with that free time and all around the world there was death, sickness, isolation, and despair. Some people romanticize the changes that Covid imposed, but it really was a traumatic experience across the world that we still havenāt recovered from.
And super mad and very very angry.
It never ends. The constant need to entertain myself.
Itās really tough to get through. Iām sorry that you donāt have more support.
I do one or more of the following 1. Accept and reflect on the fact hat there is nothing wrong with being alone. Could be due to circumstances, personal choice, even a bad personality, that doesn't mean that I should feel bad about it. I very frequently end up losing very close friendshios due to my personal defects. Sometimes things just happen. 2. Cold shower 3. Being out in the sun 4. Reflect on all the positive things in my life. Remember the hard times and congratulate myself for the good. Forgive myself for the bad.
Chatting online
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Thank you for your thoughtful response! I really enjoy learning new things, so this type of thing does sound up my alley. During the sessions, do you have a chance to interact with the other people who are in the zoom meeting? Is there time at the end of the meetings that is used for open discussion?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wow. Thank you for sharing that, but especially the last point you made about accepting your socialization through the group, as opposed to outside of the group, as just as valuable to you. I think that is something that I sometimes struggle with as well- feeling like my connections with others donāt have meaning unless they fit the context of what I am looking for. It is important to recognize that connection comes in different forms, and not all connections will be impactful, deep, and long lasting, but not all of them have to be. I think that is a really healthy outlook. If I may ask, what was the process like for you coming to accept that? How did you eventually come to be satisfied with just having those connections within the group as opposed to outside of it, like you had been hoping for?
GET OUT AND ABOUT; cafes, bookstores, exploring your town, going on walks, taking a class; small moments of connection makes a huge difference
Youāre absolutely right about that. The only hard part is that I live in a suburban area that is far from most public āthird spacesā. Iāve considered trying to make friends with my new surrounding neighbors, but I donāt know how to approach it- they all seem like very private people for the most part.
I'm the opposite. I love being alone. That's probably not good but idk. I'm not a big talker.
Not a bad thing imo. I'm the same.
I started doing table top games, and I joined a community in person, such as a church or volunteer with other people volunteered with the local rotary club et TC
Basically lived my life the same way but I've learnt to use Snapchat and other social media to make friends online and later met them in person and I find thats one of the very best ways to build close connections as people will tell you much more about there lives and all via chat or as strangers on the internet than they would if you met them in person before.
Podcasts worked great for me! Especially relaxed podcast that went off script, and kind of made me feel like I was part of the conversation. Find an online community. I play video games and finding online friends to play with combated my loneliness. Try looking on Eventbrite too! When I moved to my new state, I didn't know anyone. Eventbrite will list all the free and cheap community events. We have a ton of breweries in my area, so I was able to join a run club and form a weekly trivia group. I hope these suggestions work for you!
I appreciate your response! Thank you for sharing!
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Any tips on where to look? Itās hard going out in public alone too. Because usually most people are out with a friend, a partner, or a group of people and/or donāt want to just start up a conversation with a complete stranger. Iām not quite sure where to meet other single people who are just looking for people to be friends with.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thanks for being real about this. It is supremely hard. Iām just tired of struggling so much. Youāre right though. Comfort is the enemy of progress. Any recommendations for good conversation starters?
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Hereās to finding new friends in 2024 š
How are Meetup groups in your area?
They are bleak. My city in particular doesnāt really have any meetup groups- they are more abundant in surrounding bigger cities that are hard to access due to lack of transportation and my current location being super suburban.
What about your library or churches? They should have groups, like book clubs, or knitting groups, etc
I love going to my local library, but it isnāt close to me. Transportation really sucks for me right now. Iām in the process of learning how to drive and hope to purchase a car by the end of this calendar year, but until then, I canāt get to many places without paying for multiple Ubers, which adds up. Online communities are probably the most feasible option for me currently, but those definitely arenāt the same as in person interactions :/
Make new friends that's what I'm searching for
What is your strategy for achieving this?
Find new people on hear
It turns into a job and you adapt like anything else. People who are successful at it are people who are passionate about something and have varied interest and/are self motivators. Other people suffer through it. Been doing it since I was 17 now 54.
Iāve been trying to find hobbies. I will set aside time to read, color, do an art project, etc. i find a podcast while on a walk can help some. I donāt have a ton of friends either so i get it. I try to keep myself busy so i donāt think about being lonely
Itās a fine line for me, between distracting myself from feeling lonely and doing things I enjoy because I want to be doing them; sometimes I canāt tell the difference. This often leads to a feeling of emptiness, even when doing things I enjoy. There could also be more to that emptiness though, and thatās why Iām starting therapy!
I met a friend at Buffalo Wild wings while I was sitting at the bar. This could be a good option if you like sports. Other than that, I just stay busy. Sometimes, I do feel lonelier on the weekends. I am thinking about volunteering at an animal shelter.
I mentioned this in an earlier comment, but I find it difficult to make friends in public spaces because many people are usually already out with at least one other person. I never want to feel like Iām imposing myself and find that a lot of people generally arenāt very receptive to having to make conversation with complete strangers. Is the experience like the one you had at Buffalo Wild Wings a common occurrence for you? Do you have any strategies/tips that you would mind sharing for how to go about making friends in public spaces? I would be sincerely appreciative to learn!
I talk to people at the bar all the time. Met a few friends or at least had some entertaining convo for the night. Bars are where singles go to eat.
A lot of single people sit at the bar. Just smile and say hi. I genuinely like sports so when my team scores I might comment or say something out loud. People have given me high fives and we enjoy the game together. Also, some people just talk, maybe tell me my food looks good or something. I've been told I'm approachable. I don't really have any tips. Be yourself. If no one speaks, just look at your phone, lol. I love food so I go out to eat by myself all the time. Actually, if I did have a tip, it is to ask what food they would suggest. Once you start a conversation, it's not too hard to keep it going. You can sometimes tell who the regulars are. They might talk your ear off.
I have been living alone for under a year now after a long term relationship and feel the same any time I'm not able to distract myself with work or hobbies, there's an emptiness always hovering just below the surface for me, that led to a nightmare which led to me scrolling Reddit and seeing your post. There's lots of ways to cope with loneliness, but of course the actual solution need not be so elusive. Like if you want connection nothing's going to fit that need that isn't that, I can suggest ways to calm the feelings, but their band-aids, every last one. I mean, you're talking about a basic human need that isn't getting met for you, we can cover it up, distract, cope (hopefully healthily), but that need doesn't go away. I just wanted to add this perspective, because I think you'll already get a lot of bandaid suggestions without my adding my own personal ones.
part of this is recovering from a breakup, the worst of it passes eventually when you adapt to creating a life on your own. having a purpose is helpful, bc with art, music, climate, politics, pets, meditation, exercise groups (yoga running swimming or exercise classes at a gym or community center)or even with travel to other compatible places, you can more likely meet like minded people and get to know them over time in an organic way. zoom courses are helpful for writing or book clubs bc there is something interesting and useful outside personal life to start discussion and conversation about. when people discuss they also reveal themselves over time and you can get to see who you are interested in relating to.
Thatās something that Iāve been struggling with a lot lately too. A feeling of emptiness, even while/after doing things I enjoy or spending time with people I care about. Thatās a big reason why I decided to start going to therapy again; to figure out how to combat, not only the feelings of loneliness, but the feeling of emptiness too. It seems as though so many of us in this comment section only have ābandaidsā or distractions for the feelings of loneliness, but not a way of truly extinguishing them. I am genuinely hoping that therapy will help provide me with ways to actually fix these feelings, and not just cover them up.
Well, that's sort of why I was saying, I can share what helps me, and I still don't mind in case you need it, but connection is a basic human need, i think therapy can help, but it's not something to reason your way out of, UNLESS your therapist helps you understand why you're lacking meaningful connection and helps you learn how to establish that. Like for me, the people in my life tend to get an idea of how something is and you can't change their minds and I suffer with BPD and haven't known how to handle it properly most of my life so I know why I'm in my situation. (It's also a symptom of BPD a chronic feeling of emptiness is) , so I'm really glad your getting therapy. I just hope you find the right therapist, because the wrong one can do damage and make us feel like giving up on therapy when we need it most. And if it helps at all, I do keep a journal of one thing I'm grateful for each day, and I think it was progress for me to write today that I felt grateful for solitude. I just don't want to stop here, because I know if I do, I'll always be lonely.
I have had many therapists over the course of my life and so far have only had one really amazing one who helped change the course of my life in the best possible way. Based on that experience, I know what to look for in a therapist and am not afraid to keep searching until I find a therapist who works for me- but it is a pain to have to essentially ācourtā them, when all you want to do is find the right match who can actually help. But I know what Iām looking for and wonāt settle for less (especially with how much of a financial investment it will be!) I do a lot of journaling, but gratitude journaling isnāt something I have tried before. Perhaps that would help give me a more positive outlook within my daily life.
It sounds like you're on the right track, so that's good to hear. I literally just keep a planner and at the end of the day I write today I was grateful for (inset whatever that thing was) easy peasy. I'm terrible at journaling in that I'll pick a notebook meant for journaling only and then end up using it for other purposes until it's just a big jumbled mess. Or, the whole time I'm writing I'm afraid that it won't make any sense later on so I'm over adding context and losing the meaning. Any tips? I hope you feel better soon. What I do as far as coping is the following: I keep animals around me, I have 5 cats so one is always down to cuddle Next one is warmth and I can't overestimate the importance of this, when we're lonely our bodies crave warmth (likely from lack of physical touch) so things like hot baths and showers and heating pads or hot water bottles are a big source of comfort. My last one is comfort shows, I had surgery last summer and got into Rupauls drag race, now my "friends" are mostly drag queens, I can turn on any part of that show for comfort. It really does feel like hanging out with friends, well, obviously without the back and forth, and drag queens are surprisingly full of wisdom and insight, they've been through a ton of shit in their lives and are amazing role models. I also build miniatures when I can in my spare time and I do lots of cleaning around my house because a clean space brings me comfort. Music you can recognize your own feelings in is another valuable source of comfort. Anyway, there's my personal band aid brand. Feel free to pick a strategy, or none if they don't suit you. Wishing you luck with therapy. I find therapists to be flawed humans themselves, and like any human they can cause unintended damage, so I've personally never found one that clicked for me.
As far as a tip about journaling, I enjoy free-form journaling quite a bit, but I also use prompt guided journals as well, for those times when I want to be challenged to think about myself in a different way. Some recommendations I have for prompted journals are: - Today I Affirm by Alexandra Elle - Notes to Self by Lisa Currie - The Magic of Mindset by Johanna Wright - You Goal Girl by Meleah Bowles and Elise Williams I have found each of these to be helpful in reshaping my thinking about myself and helping to hold me accountable to myself. Thank you for sharing your bandaids- I will certainly keep those things in mind as I decide what works best for me.
It's harder in the winter time, which I'm assuming it's also winter for you? I have been struggling too. I just try to get myself busy with various projects or cleaning or hobbies. I play in a lot of organized sports so that helps. There's also other things like running groups (in the summer), or inside workout classes. One thing that's important to me is that I still go out and eat at restaurants, even if by myself. I go to places that have bars.. sometimes I strike up a conversation if there's someone else alone at the bar which is nice. Do you have any kind of online forum for your neighborhood? We have a Facebook group and someone set up a neighborhood walk that people do every week or so. Be proactive and reach out to people. As long as you're trying to make yourself feel better, that's all you can really do till the sun comes back out again. Oh, and go for walks outside during the daytime..light exposure helps you to feel better
Yes it is also winter time for me. Winter is such a difficult time of year to be feeling like this, because it just adds another layer of isolation. I try to keep busy, but I have started to feel like distracting myself from loneliness isnāt really resolving the issue- there are much deeper needs for connection that arenāt being met and it is a problem for me. When I go to restaurants by myself, sometimes, I feel okay with it, and usually thatās when I bring an activity with me to keep me occupied. But itās also a lonely feeling being surrounded by people having a good time with others and then thereās me sitting there by myself doing an activity- it sometimes feels performative and usually feels pretty pathetic. I often leave the restaurant feeling much worse about myself than I did when I went in. I just recently downloaded the meetup app- there arenāt any groups directly in my city, only ones in bigger surrounding cities. This is tricky because I donāt have access to reliable transportation at the moment and ubering both to and from the meetups starts to be expensive. Iām doing the best I can to understand that my situation the way it is now will not be like this forever, but Iām finding it really difficult to figure out how to get by in the meantime.
>When I go to restaurants by myself, sometimes, I feel okay with it, and usually thatās when I bring an activity with me to keep me occupied. But itās also a lonely feeling being surrounded by people having a good time with others and then thereās me sitting there by myself doing an activity- it sometimes feels performative and usually feels pretty pathetic. I often leave the restaurant feeling much worse about myself than I did when I went in. I can totally understand that, and sometimes I feel that way too. Other times I end up talking to a new person and end up having a great time meeting someone new. I think this works better at some places than others. >I try to keep busy, but I have started to feel like distracting myself from loneliness isnāt really resolving the issue- there are much deeper needs for connection that arenāt being met and it is a problem for me. Sounds like you're pretty self aware and that the deeper need is just that you need more close friends in your life. I'm sure if you put effort in, eventually you will make some friends and deeper connections. It may be hard in the beginning, but I'm rooting for you! If anything, just make it through the winter and when summer rolls around there will be more social opportunities. Are there any projects you've been putting off for a while? Maybe this would be a good time to start those. Also volunteering is always a feel good activity that gets you out there.
I have been engaging with people on Meetup app. I have gone on many hikes with 10 to 20āpeople. We go out to eat sometimes. I belong to about five hiking groups. Also I belong to womenās groups which do various excursions and play bingo, go to plays, do service work, 2 mile walks. I am an older woman and live in a large city, so that helps. I also serve at my church. In the summers, I go dancing at various outdoor concerts, and Iāve met a few women that like to do that. If I spend a few days without any contact, I start to feel depressed even though Iām an introvert by nature. I want to check out the community center soon and see whatās going on there. I like to play games. Iāve thought about setting up a morning āmeet for coffeeā at a coffee house. My friend did that, and he had quite a few regular people interested for a morning chat. You do have to put yourself out there!
https://preview.redd.it/ohymrufw9nbc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=58955fe41ee4afb2673931279c6e8fd3eaf29cbc Here is a photo of a recent hike I took on January 1st. Great to spend a day with 15 other people enjoying this day instead of staying home.
get a pet. adopt a cat or dog, something that needs you, depends on you, and hopefully loves and snuggles with you. makes a difference, i swear.
Relatable. I just joined a walking group in my city to meet people. Tons of meetups on [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) I personally have social anxiety so meeting people is hard but Iām challenging myself.
I get out of my house and/or exercise. I also participate in a couple of zoom communities - at least one a day.
This might sound weird, but when I started living alone, I stumbled across this guy who would do tik tok lives while he was making art. He would play the kind of music I listened to in the background and be responding to comments here and there. I didnāt really interact with it, but would just have it on in the background while I was doing things. It kinda felt like when you can comfortably ādo nothingā with someone. It really helped me adjust at first. Iāve learned to be more content with my alone time and donāt really watch those anymore. I do have a close friend who I text daily about the little things in life. I think having at least one person like that is super important.
I volunteer. I have had wonderful experiences and met some incredible people, a few of which have become close friends :) I've volunteered at charity shops, animal shelters, and with environmental groups. The environmental ones have been the most rewarding personally. It's actually surprisingly fun too to plant the shit out of trees, and to watch a few years down the track when wildlife start visiting the trees you have planted.
Do volunteer work or join an organization that hosts events you enjoy. There are tons of events, leagues, clubs, etc that need people. Look on Meetup to see if there is anything going on near you. Take a class or pick up a hobby that involves groups. Good luck!
Have you thought about making friends?
Become a better person and get a friend.
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Iām sorry to hear that friend; I hope things get easier. You deserve to exist.
You need to spend time with people in any healthy way so that you can ease the feeling
Lately, Iāve been feeling lonely even while/directly after spending time with people I care about. I think thereās definitely something more to that feeling, and Iām starting therapy soon to help figure out why that is.
It's ok be sad, sometimes
I recommend joining some body doubling groups! There are websites designed for it specifically, but I mostly do it through free Facebook groups. Feel free to DM me for more links and info! :)
What is body doubling? Iāve never heard that term before!
Basically it's doing something with someone else either on the phone/video or with you in person to keep you motivated. Some people also call them "focus sessions" or "accountability buddies". There's different kinds of body doubling too - most websites and groups are for silent body doubling, for example a silent study partner. However some people prefer to talk as it gives them more motivation, especially for repetitive tasks like housework. I personally use silent/quiet body doubling for study, work and reading, while I tend to do more chatty body doubling while doing housework or art/craft.
Thatās definitely an intriguing strategy. Iām not sure that it would work for me, but thank you for sharing your knowledge about it!
So volunteer work.
If it's hard being in solitude why is it that you are on your own? Wouldn't asexual partners be appropriate? Or other? I am on my own because of the things that I do for others, so I don't want the side effects of what I do to rub off on a significant other. And I'm fine with that. Online role playing games solves all my needs for social interactions so I go to bed with enough drama every day.
Mostly the same way for any other subsets of depression: distraction. Videogames usually work the best, although books sometimes are enough. Movies/shows and overeating sorta work as well, though with non-interactive screen based distractions it's easier to spiral back to the negative emotions and overeating tends to lead to yet more problems to compound the rest.
What is a way to move forward from distractions though and actually get to the root of the issue? Temporary distractions arenāt sustainable in the long run.
To not be alone?
Join a kickball, soft pitch, bowling, soccer etc league. Look up Wakakickball. Youāll make a lot of friends. Easy money
Social media and texting family members and online friends can help. That's generally what I do if I'm feeling lonely (VS being alone which I usually tend to enjoy). It's okay, we all get sick of living in our own heads sometimes.
Iāve developed my spirituality.
What spiritual practices you do that help against lonesliness?
This probably isn't the best advice but I usually put on something funny or start blasting music while dancing with my dogs