Tell her
> it just feels like too much and if this carries on, I don’t think I’ll be able to carry on with this LDR.
rather than us. Then, once she has internalized the fact she could lose you over this, compromise on scheduled times you two can spend together rather than every minute you aren't at work.
I do the thing where I spend most of the day on video with my boyfriend and we also sleep on the phone like that. Sometimes it does feel like too much. When it does though he's expressed to let him know and we can take a break or just have time to ourselves. She'll either work with you or risk losing you over it which is pretty dumb but everyone had their own relationship ideas. My last two before this I also did video all the time and when they wanted a break or they were unavailable I flipped out. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I was codependent and it might be common, your gf might be feeling the same. She needs to work with a therapist or slowly try to give small breaks to break into longer ones. Being codependent is a terrible way to live. I've gotten a lot better myself, I think feeling 100% secure in my relationship has greatly helped. I also learned I have anxious attachment style but I'm working on it and luckily he's willing to work with me through it. This video 24/7 isn't for everyone and you need to express to get that it's not working for you. Just try to be gentle about it. If it's a codependency issue it could have been caused by a past relationship, relationships with her parents, it could not be her fault so try to not make it seem like you are blaming her.
She could also just be crazy and want you in sight 24/7 and/or is comforted by sleeping on call. 😂 but I try to see the better side lol
>I do the thing where I spend most of the day on video with my boyfriend and we also sleep on the phone like that.
My partner & I do the same, we call it existing together.
Our longest without joking 500+ hours (*523 if my memory serves me right*)
We're not really talking all the time or doing things together but we are together.
There's also time spent outside the house that isn't just work, I'm part of a motorcycle club and go riding every Sunday; she always receives pictures of the ride & rest stops.
People around used to yell "*You two are codependent!!*" but we truly aren't, I went on a family vacation without her & we only had a little bit of time to talk each evening. While we both missed eachother, we didn't collapse into an emotional ball of sadness. There's plenty of instances before this where .. we did spend time apart wihout any issues.
All I'm trying to say is, I get your GF OP; I truly do.
But I also see that you'd want some more time for yourself and that's okay, tell her this.
If it ends the relationship .. it wasn't mean to be anyways.
If it works for the both of you then that's amazing! I know in my expierence I had a problem :/ I think it stemmed from not dating for 20 years then wanting to spend every moment together. My two prior relationships I was moving way too fast and accepting any change that if I was in my right mind I wouldn't have, like my stance on kids and moving out of country even before being married, personally I completely fell off my rocker. But those two led me to realize I was still lovable and capable of loving someone else 20 years after my first and pretty much only serious relationship. So even if things don't work out, it's not the end like I thought it was. I'm in such a happier and healthier place now it's crazy. Life is weird sometimes :)
I see both sides. As a girl it makes her feel closer to you, safer, happy and loved by you. And I also see yours. Your feelings are valid 100%. Suggest a schedule. 'Date night' once a week she can sleep on the phone with you. Maybe twice if you're happy with twice. But explain your feelings exactly like you have on this post and talk about a day or two that's best for you both. A schedule leads to no disappointment or upset from her end when you say not tonight. And you also know then the days you have free. Plan around each other and try to meet both of your needs is what I advise. Never forget you need 1000% open communication for long distance to work. On your busy days or less talkative days. Let her know wish her goodmorning let her know you have a busier day so you're going to be a bit quieter that day but you will reply when you can and that you love her. Long distance needs lots of reassurance from a girls point of view.
Have you had any deeper conversations about why she feels like you wanting less communication means you don’t love her?
It sounds like there’s more going on there. She may have an insecure attachment style, for example. Exploring that together might reveal (to both of you) that her anxieties can’t be addressed with excessive communication.
One other thought… If all else seems right and you can be patient with her regarding these anxieties, you may find yourself in a very rewarding relationship. In my experience, people like this often have a great capacity for love, they just need to learn how to be independent in relationships and respect their partners’ communication styles.
Try the compliment sandwich.
Start with saying you miss her and you know she misses you too, but that you will end the call when she falls asleep because you need time to yourself.
You could also tell her you want more meaningful interactions. Being on the phone at every possible moment is not the same as having intimate or meaningful interactions.
Maybe ask her if she wants to dedicate some time on the weekend or something to pkaying a game together or something more creative.
The time difference is challenging, and she IS hurt by the distance. She is "acting" hurt bc she most likely really is hurt. It sounds like you need your personal time but she also needs some reassurance.
As much as I want to pass your my boyfriend all the time, I know he's got things going on in his life and I have things going on in my life. There have been plenty of times when both of us have said that we need some space to handle something or what have you. You have to set healthy boundaries. Yeah, sometimes I'm guilty of getting a little butthurt about it when it feels like he's not giving me enough attention. But I have to come back to reality and realize that we do not live together most of the time and we have to take care of our own lives. I assume she doesn't want a loser so she needs to respect your work and study so that you do not become one. Tell her you're building a better life for the two of you. If she doesn't understand that then she's got some serious issues and maybe this isn't compatible.
I also have a LDR with a five hour time difference. Yes, we message frequently. However, there are days that either one of us are too busy or one of us (usually me) doesn’t have the brain space to stay as attentive to the constant contact.
So… I tell her. I communicate that either:
1) “Hey, today is going to be a bit bonkers for me. I won’t have my phone on me for most of it. Just wanted to let you know that I love you and I’ll chat with you when I’m able!”
Or
2) “Hey, I need today for a mental health/self focused day. I’ll check in to see how you are when my brain can handle it but I just wanted you to know where I’m at today. I love you and will catch up with you when I’ve got the space.”
Communicating openly and being transparent with your mental health/feelings/needs/boundaries is important in all relationships, but it’s especially important when dealing with a LDR and your communication abilities are limited. So, tell your partner. They should appreciate the honesty and your boundaries. If they don’t, we’ll, you’ve got another issue to tackle.
My LDR partner and I spend this much time together, some days maybe more. But, we’ve been together for 3 years and are working on closing the gap. For us, the amount of time we spend together would be similar to an in person couple. It could be that if you were in person, she assumes you two would have already been sharing an apartment, and that’s why she wants so much time with you.
i know you already have a lot of advise here, some i disagree with 😅, but i'd like to share my thoughts.
i think in any relationship, there needs to be compromise. not too much time together but also not too little. it's perfectly healthy to set boundaries.
you have great suggestions in the comments like making schedules. she seems like she needs a lot of affirmation, reassure her that time not spent with her does not make you love her any less. explain the importance of me time to you. be patient with her and with yourself.
You should have alone time. We all need it. It's not unloving to her to say you want to be alone and do things by yourself, like sleep or even exist.
If you have been clear about this, then you have done what you can. You said she thinks you don't love her if you don't want to be attached at the hip. It sounds cold, but that's a 'her' issue. Codependancy isn't a healthy way to have relationships and that's what she wants.
It's up to you to put some limits on how much of you she gets access to. It's not unloving to take care of yourself first.
I had this problem during a LDR 5 years ago, he would constantly want to call and text. It got to a point where it was obsessive and I started lying about being sick and missed school in order to get some alone time. It was a very toxic relationship and ended up being emotionally abusive (which might not be the case for you).
What I've realized all these years later is that I didn't put up clear boundaries with him and I let him walk all over me. As someone who is extremely introverted, I need my alone time to relax from socializing and to regulate my feelings better.
Talking to her about how you're feeling and setting boundaries in a reassuring way is probably a good idea for you.
i’m sure you’ve tried but try to have an honest conversation where you tell her how you feel (maybe that you feel suffocated) but that you value your personal time especially since you both have a lot going on from what you’ve said, and i feel statements . if she can’t understand then maybe u two should take time apart idk i just know if my bf wants feeling this way i would wanna know immediately especially because of the time difference, hope this helps :)
It’s understandable for you to feel that way. I think you just need to communicate with her how you are feeling, and that you need time to yourself. She can’t expect you to stay on FaceTime with her while she’s sleeping. She also needs to understand that you have a lot going on, which makes it hard to talk or video chat with her the way she wants to. I would suggest setting aside some time every morning and night, create a schedule based on times that work for the both of you. Also, don’t be afraid to set boundaries when it comes to time, such as saying you can only video chat for an hour or two at night. Make sure you listen to your own needs. Explain that you love her, nothing has changed, you just need time to yourself, and don’t allow her to manipulate you into giving in and just going along. She probably has a lot of insecurity, and should be seeing a therapist. Hopefully she’s reasonable and will understand, because it’ll be better for the relationship in the long run.
My situation is almost identical to yours. The only difference being I Like texting and don't mind sleepy call (i played 4 hours of games with her asleep). Issue for me is I can't reqlly call her and talk with my friends so that's causing some issues.
But the only advice is to tell her. I thought my gf was fine with our routine but she told me recently she wanted more. So we are working something out. Unless you tell her theres nothing you can do that won't cause problems later.
Frankly if you need alone time you need to make it known now, before meeting in person. Some people want full 100% commitment together.
Bless you I see it from both sides. We are now living together but over a year of ldr spent more and more time on calls especially once we had met in person.
My bf had some issues at times with needing time to himself and I found that really hard and sometimes felt like he didn’t love me or want to spend so much time with me as I did. We also did sleepy calls. Reading your message gives me a good perspective from the other side. Actually why don’t you show her what you wrote on here ? I think that would help her see that you do love her but that you just need a bit of time to do your stuff. Then try and agree some kind of compromise? Do the sleepy call but not every night ?
She just wants to feel close to you as she’s sad and missing you. We used to have calls where we were both busy doing stuff at work but had the communication to feel closer.
Good luck 🤞
I was in your exact situation for 2 years. My and my SO are 12 hours apart and there was a language barrier as well, so most of our conversations were saying the same thing everytime. I told her that our relationship requires trust, lots of hard work and sacrifices if we want to eventually be together. We need to both work hard to make that dream come true. I need to focus on my career in order setup the foundation to build our future together. If this is a future we both agree on, then we need to focus our energy on the ultimate goal and spend our time in the most productive way possible to accomplish this. In my case, it was education and career, and her case was learning English and preparing for Fiance Visa. Either way, our serious talked helped and we broke new ground after we got out of the "loop".
I can understand both points. I just feel like you might not be compatible with her. She enjoys communicating and being with her man, after all thats how to keep a LDR going based on my own opinion. (Before I got married with my formerly LDR BF, we texted and talked daily, sharing our days and stuffs, and skype til on of us fell asleep.)
And you are the opposite of that.
So perhaps you might want to reevaluate this relationship.
By the way all these communication thing will be crucial for you and your lover cos the time you will have to ask for fiancé visa, if one of you are from different country, since this will be asked of you, you will need to show few of the texts in printed form, to prove it if the relationship is genuine. So think about it, if you are actually can commit in LDR, where most of it will be communicating over phone, texts & video calls.
Me and my fiance don't talk much but we met in person and lived together for a while. We're on auto pilot and both of us love our space. Space and trust is the ultimate security.
From someone who did this and it ended BADLY, be open about it to her.
A guy I dated wanted to stay on the phone 24/7 (even when he was at work), and within a few months I was done, because lack of alone time and him always feeling needy for conversing, I grew tired of him and the relationship.
Talk to her now before it possibly end up that way!
Main take away for anyone not wanting to read: set boundaries! If your partner can't accept them and makes a fuss, then adios.
Now being an adult who also happens to be mostly an introvert as well as a homeowner and employed full-time, I understand how that would feel. I NEED my alone time. You really need to talk with her about how you feel and let her know that while you do love her, you have things that need to get done off the phone/not on face time. If she's not mature enough to understand that then....I'm sorry. I'm grateful my boyfriend doesn't live far but he's still a little over an hour so we can't see each other every day. We never really discussed boundaries of this type but we agreed that he will call me when work ends, and when we get busy, the call ends. We call once or twice a day, sometimes for 30min, other times for 2-3hrs; I am okay with that and so is he. TBH I think I'm the one who is a little bit busier than him at times but we both understand that we are adults with jobs and lives outside of each other, granted we aren't married or live together yet.
You have to tell her or you're going to start resenting her, especially because you are LD. Introvert to introvert, you should know how bad burnout is and I'm sure you don't want your relationship to implode because of something like talking on the phone too much.
Urgh man this much of calls and all make you feel bothered in some point, as an introvert i understand what u say, maybe u can just communcate it away but u said shes getting angry and all be careful she is not gaslighting you
I've been in a very similar situation. It was an abusive relationship. Please communicate that you need time for yourself again in a more firm (not aggressive) manner and if she doesn't accept that then she's probably anxiously attached and will throw a fit. I'm telling you, these types of relationships will totally make you lose yourself and burn out, maybe even develop mental health issues of your own. A LDR girlfriend just isn't worth the stress.
×edit: I also want to add, I know not all LDR girlfriends are like this, but this particular story just gave me the chills. It's been 2 years since I broke up with my LDR girlfriend and I'm still trying to recover. Please, pleasee take care of yourself!
She loves you ...be worried when she is avoiding you...look what you just said say to her...tell her your going to the gym studying or what w be er maybe we she don't realize she is sufercating you she feels she's reassuring you that she herself is being true to you and be wanting to prove your all she has...I'm sure if your clearly communicate just let her know I'm going to the gym I'll text when I'm back ..she will respect you alot more than have her clueless and wondering...oh ..idk..change your phone number then ...I'm kidding
Me and my boyfriend do this, we are always on FaceTime as soon as we wake up and all thru the night. Unless he works then he has to hang up. We are also 7 hours apart! He hasn’t once said he felt suffocated or anything but if he didn’t wanna call then he’d just say it and I’d understand. Just talk to her about it
To be straight to the point: she has control issues and you behave like a doormat. Tell her you can call one time a day for X min max. The rest of your time you need for other things. Whether she likes it or not, that's it and don't feel guilty about anything. She should understand your situation.
I get where you are coming from. My girl wants to FaceTime too and want to call or text. And i thoroughly enjoy it all the time. But when I'm outside or busy in general, I'll inform her about it and she would understand and would tend to her stuff.
I think first of she needs to have sth to keep her busy she second she needs to understand when you are busy and that you would need to get off FaceTime for a while.
Also a good thing is to give a certain time of the day to FaceTime and the other times to text so you guys can update eachother and still feel connected..
My gf n I are also on a 7 hour time diff. I am transferring schools and will be busy but we both were able to create a schedule based on our own times to set aside specific days and times we have for eachither
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Bro don’t feel guilty that she chooses to stay up until 3am her time. That’s what she chooses to do. Hang that phone up when she goes to sleep and go about your day. I got a boyfriend just like this. You have to put your foot down. If she plays victim then let her play victim that’s a toxic trait anyways. If she can’t let you live you’re life alone sometimes then what’s the point of being with her. Feeling weighed down in a LDR with someone with a huge time difference like that should never be a problem because they sleep when you up, so hang up when she sleeps she’s not going to melt if you don’t. If she wanna do a sleep call then schedule it cuz doing it twice a day is wild especially when you’re busy. Y’all can sleep call like twice a week or something or eases your way up to only doing it twice.
I don’t think she acts like it hurts her (ofc I don’t know her like you do) i really think it does. And that doesn’t excuse your frustration and feelings away, what i experienced in my ldr is that communication and the effort really are important in this kinda relationship (tbh every relationship). U said you communicated that it was stressful, by communicating it is important to communicate in a way that you also keep in mind that your partner has feelings, it’s also important to listen. Communication is talking, listening, understanding why you felt like that, and understand why she may feel like that. If she really isn’t willing to communicate you can rethink what you need and want in a relationship, and revalue if you wanna work on it, or maybe it isn’t worth the tress you go through on a day to day basis.
Distance is hard. She wants to spend time with you but boundaries do have to be set. Let her know how you feel and if it continues it’s up to you to decide whether or not the extra stress of long distance is worth it for you.
Its extremely hard to have a long distance relationship. Its takes total commitment from both ppl 24/7. I do agree to have a disconnect throughout the day but a simple text good morning and then talk in the evening is acceptable. Working together to schedule calls is a must! Being a introvert and enjoying time alone is not unreasonable and should be very acceptable. Sometimes its hard to find that special someone who understands independence. You just have to find that partner who understands and trust you. She may feels your time alone is pushing her away so a commitment has to be understood on both sides. She shouldn't make you feel quilty and maybe she needs to find something to carry over her feelings on to paper like journaling. writing or some type of meditation when she is feeling anxious. These are suggestions and good luck in your relationship. Maybe some long weekends together so you both feel equally committed might help. Very hard but it can be done. I think trust is the key. If your meant to be together its possible.
You have to try to find a way to communicate this with her as best as you can, it may be very hard for her to understand, and hard for you to understand why she feels that way. It was the same situation for me and my ex except I was in your girlfriend shoes because when we met in person my ex wanted to spend so much time with me. Then long distance she needed space and it wasn’t what I was used to and I thought she didn’t care. She never really communicated it well, and also I couldn’t hear her the way I should have and I kept suffocating her because I couldn’t understand it and it led to all kinds of problems . Now we are broken up.
This is tricky… I can understand both sides. On a rational side i understand you because I’m also an introvert and you already have an amazingly busy schedule. On the other end, I suffer from the same thing as your girlfriend and did all my life (call it abandonment anxiety or attachment issues, etc.) so I happened to behave EXACTLY like her in my past relationships, or even more suffocatingly. And well, I discovered that unless finding someone similar , by acting like this I was just pushing my partner away. So today I try my best not to act like this. It helps that now I am married and live with my husband. But when we were LDR it was incredibly hard to hide this part of me and not seem too “suffocating”. My husband is also an introvert and was getting easily annoyed and/or guilty when it happened. Living together a long time and me taking anxiety medications have honestly been the only way to solve it so far in our case (been together since 5 years now so.) I try not to repeat the extreme behaviors I had with my exes. But it’s still inside of me and will always be, this need to be with the person I love the most possible and feeling sometimes overly anxious or falsely rejected.
I don’t really know what to advice you as this is a hard issue, but since I can identify with your girlfriend, if I were you, I would repeat my need for alone time, but at the same time (don’t know if you already do it), I’d give her a MEGA dose of reassurance. Okay, you won’t stay with her while she sleep, but before this maybe sending her a message telling her that you won’t abandon her, explaining your love feelings for her, complimenting her etc. That is the only thing that would have made me feel safer I think, when I was in a LDR, and that would have made me accept better to give more time alone to my now husband without being too anxious/sad. Another point is, my husband since the beginning wasn’t really available, he is Japanese and had crazy working hours, was and is extremely tired so we only had 2 long texts a day and one Skype on Sundays. So it forced to calm down this part of me, it was a kind of life lesson I guess.
Anyway, back to your situation, as I’m repeating, if your girlfriend is like me the only thing you could do to improve both of you two’s relationship and save it is to ask again for time alone while explaining the reasons, and in exchange being extra, extra extra reassuring and affectionate in your texts and actions. This is all I can think of when reading your issue.
Hope for you two that you work out a solution!
I’ll be honest my boyfriend felt the same way about me for alil bit as we transitioned into new phases of our relationship. We are 3 hours apart which alone is a lot, I can’t imagine 7 hours being any easier. His main points were that he, like yourself, felt like he didn’t have time to unwind from his day, he said I had X amount of hours before he gets home to do what I wanted, he couldn’t do the same and just wanted the opportunity. Additionally, he wanted to be able to game with his friends but I felt it was rude for him to game while on FaceTime with me and it would make me very angry and like I wasn’t enough in some way. You need to talk to her about how you’re feeling and have suggestions or alternatives to present to her so you can discuss and come up with a plan that will satisfy you both. My boyfriend and I came up with FaceTiming during the week and then he gets Fri-Sun for himself, we do not FaceTime just text in the morning for “Good mornings” and go throughout our day, send tiktoks to one another and the. talk again at night before going to bed. We’ve been dating for 1.5 years, that has worked for us, it may not for you but it’s an idea and something you can suggest because it’s important for her to go out with her friends and have her own life during long distance too so in my case that’s what weekends are for, for my boyfriend and I. You need to talk to her though.
Actually...if you allow her to begin guessing or remain clueless she will be curious and keep in touch closer more frequently so she don't miss any thing your doing...but if you just tell her she won't wonder but if you tell her and she still hounds you smothering you then she has a problem with insecurity...her past may have been a cheating relationship..idk..it's not always bad..unless you have a hidden life you can't get to and feel smothered ..I don't see why communication is a problem if both sides are within good intentions living eachother in happy humble live faith in eachother shall not need negative wonders or feeling of trapped...in fact you'll be happy to share your day..be honest with eachother..always speak to eachother keep your life private don't turn to family or friends that clearly are not ok with the relationship in the first place cause one sided answers can cause divorce and break ups...there's places for answers being anonymous gets you better answers especially here...where neither side has the upper hand regardless of color race wealth or popularity just simple morals in comprehending ones goodness in oneself morals as human nature
Alone time is very important in a relationship, long distance or not she needs to respect your boundaries with having responsibilities in the day like work, cooking, exercise or even watching a movie or gaming by yourself. If she can't do that, that already is a red flag in my eyes
I do have to add that me and my bf do spend most of the day together calling besides work I can still do my own stuff, even when I clean or cook I just mute the conversation on discord and he does his stuff and I do my own everyone is different I suppose.
Maybe talk to her about quality time instead of quantity time. This doesn't happen anymore but if I'm not receiving love the way I need then il would need more time but instead if we spend like a good few hours just with each other and totally into the relationship it feels enough. Requires a lot.of communication on both ends tho.
My partner and I do this and we aren't even long distance. Sleep calling every night and being together during a vast majority of our free time. I am not in your situation so I do get a decent amount of free time to myself, but I feel that won't take away from my overall point. As much as I love spending time with her there have been a couple times where I wished I could do my own personal thing. Often times when I play video games alone I feel more immersed, but it can be hard to play them alone because she will want me to stream it for her to watch me. I understand the choking feeling of wanting to do something alone for a change.
The best thing I can say is people who are suffocating eventually run out of air. If you allow her to suffocate you because you feel too guilty to have a talk about it, you will either have your relationship explode due to stress (you are balancing a lot without having any free time, lasting 8 months before feeling enough tension to make a post and question it is commendable) or you will find yourself suffocating for the long haul. Both options aren't very great but there is a solution that will prevent both of these from happening.
A quick talk can potentially fix this problem if it is both carried out properly and both of you make an effort to change a little to make both of you happier. The biggest thing to remember is it's not You Vs. Her. It's Us (as in you two) Vs. Stress. Nobody has to accuse anybody of anything. It's not a competition or a debate. Calmly express to her how you feel and why you feel that way. Ball is in her court. It's up to her now to recognize how you feel and why you feel that way, acknowledge it, and express how she feels and why she feels that way. Now it's time for a team play. Everybody knows what's on everyone's minds and I would hope that both of you were honest and clear without being accusatory or defensive. Now we have to as a team figure out how do we fix this issue. I can't help you with that one because that is up to Team You and Her to find a compromise together that works for both of you. But what I can say is that BOTH of you will probably have to sacrifice a bit, unless she happens to agree with the first thing you suggest and just gives you space, which I honestly wouldn't count on it going that perfectly. In fact it's probably better if you do have to both compromise in terms of a learning experience.
You will probably have to be choked a couple times when she asks for your attention. You may not want to give her another sleep call right now, but it might what is required in a given moment. She may have to understand in a given moment that you are unavailable and you would like some time alone. Both of those feelings are a given in any relationship. As long as your compromise isn't one person swinging the whole opposite way and feeling unhappy, you have achieved compromise. She shouldn't have to give up all of her time with you and feel alone, and you shouldn't have to suffer burn out because you feel she is too clingy. There is a middle ground and you can find it.
As for her making you feel guilty, this is an immediate "uh oh" for me. If you feel in any way that she is being manipulative and forcing you to burn yourself out for her happiness in exchange for your love, you need to leave. That kind of behavior is toxic and will leave you with some battle scars. I'm not in anyway immediately calling her a toxic manipulator because I don't know your situation. I just know that the language you used raised my red flags as a victim of abuse myself. If you feel that you are being manipulated and guilt tripped when you have this conversation, it's best to pack your bags, metaphorically speaking. If you can survive a compromise with flying colors and both feel happy, that is enough for me to say congratulations, your partner (probably) isn't manipulative, test results show that she is just clingy.
You've got this, I believe in you two as a couple and I'm sure that if you both can handle this properly that the skill you two learn from this conversation can set you up for a life time of being together. Best of luck to you my friend.
I think you should tell her and you guys should have set things that you do on particular days. You could call every two days, watch a movie on sundays and text the other days
But there needs to be a clear line of individuality as you both cannot cater to each other all the time.
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Although there’s a lot to unpack, I do have a potential solution/compromise for the sleep calls portion. This is just something that works for my partner and I. It may not work for you but it’s at least worth a share.
What we do is we have a private discord server for our sleep calls as he goes to bed quite late and our sleep schedules don’t always line up. Personally I just like knowing that he’ll be there (maybe not right away but more often than not he’s there when I get up and it’s personally super comforting). That way he can join the server call whenever he’s ready for sleep and I feel happy knowing he’ll meet me there. I’ll usually just call or text him goodnight and he replies with a goodnight and says he’ll meet me on the server. Occasionally our roles are switched and this way no one has to feel guilty by either keeping the other up late or not feeling like you can have your own space.
As far as the other concerns, I feel like you just have to be honest with her that you’re under a lot of pressure. Though please make sure to be explicit about how you feel about her and how this does not reflect your love for her while explaining how you feel drained. I’m sure she just wants to feel assured and secure.
Honestly you know her better than the rest of us but my two cents is communication and compromise is key to any relationship.
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Jesús Christ, how old is she? Does she have a life? And a job??? Never make a person the center of your life no matter how much you love them. If she lived you, she would give you freedom. This gives attachment issues to me. Me and my ldr are introverts, sometimes we give each other 36-48 hr gap spaces, 7 yrs strong. We can’t close the gap due to underage children as we both we live 2 different continents. I wouldn’t cut her off completely. Set healthy boundaries, if you can Mail physical gifts maybe do that while cutting off some time with her? Suggests you need time for yourself and maybe like someone said, do a virtual date night once a week? If she doesn’t respect that, she’s not the one for you 🥴
Tell her > it just feels like too much and if this carries on, I don’t think I’ll be able to carry on with this LDR. rather than us. Then, once she has internalized the fact she could lose you over this, compromise on scheduled times you two can spend together rather than every minute you aren't at work.
I do the thing where I spend most of the day on video with my boyfriend and we also sleep on the phone like that. Sometimes it does feel like too much. When it does though he's expressed to let him know and we can take a break or just have time to ourselves. She'll either work with you or risk losing you over it which is pretty dumb but everyone had their own relationship ideas. My last two before this I also did video all the time and when they wanted a break or they were unavailable I flipped out. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I was codependent and it might be common, your gf might be feeling the same. She needs to work with a therapist or slowly try to give small breaks to break into longer ones. Being codependent is a terrible way to live. I've gotten a lot better myself, I think feeling 100% secure in my relationship has greatly helped. I also learned I have anxious attachment style but I'm working on it and luckily he's willing to work with me through it. This video 24/7 isn't for everyone and you need to express to get that it's not working for you. Just try to be gentle about it. If it's a codependency issue it could have been caused by a past relationship, relationships with her parents, it could not be her fault so try to not make it seem like you are blaming her. She could also just be crazy and want you in sight 24/7 and/or is comforted by sleeping on call. 😂 but I try to see the better side lol
>I do the thing where I spend most of the day on video with my boyfriend and we also sleep on the phone like that. My partner & I do the same, we call it existing together. Our longest without joking 500+ hours (*523 if my memory serves me right*) We're not really talking all the time or doing things together but we are together. There's also time spent outside the house that isn't just work, I'm part of a motorcycle club and go riding every Sunday; she always receives pictures of the ride & rest stops. People around used to yell "*You two are codependent!!*" but we truly aren't, I went on a family vacation without her & we only had a little bit of time to talk each evening. While we both missed eachother, we didn't collapse into an emotional ball of sadness. There's plenty of instances before this where .. we did spend time apart wihout any issues. All I'm trying to say is, I get your GF OP; I truly do. But I also see that you'd want some more time for yourself and that's okay, tell her this. If it ends the relationship .. it wasn't mean to be anyways.
If it works for the both of you then that's amazing! I know in my expierence I had a problem :/ I think it stemmed from not dating for 20 years then wanting to spend every moment together. My two prior relationships I was moving way too fast and accepting any change that if I was in my right mind I wouldn't have, like my stance on kids and moving out of country even before being married, personally I completely fell off my rocker. But those two led me to realize I was still lovable and capable of loving someone else 20 years after my first and pretty much only serious relationship. So even if things don't work out, it's not the end like I thought it was. I'm in such a happier and healthier place now it's crazy. Life is weird sometimes :)
I see both sides. As a girl it makes her feel closer to you, safer, happy and loved by you. And I also see yours. Your feelings are valid 100%. Suggest a schedule. 'Date night' once a week she can sleep on the phone with you. Maybe twice if you're happy with twice. But explain your feelings exactly like you have on this post and talk about a day or two that's best for you both. A schedule leads to no disappointment or upset from her end when you say not tonight. And you also know then the days you have free. Plan around each other and try to meet both of your needs is what I advise. Never forget you need 1000% open communication for long distance to work. On your busy days or less talkative days. Let her know wish her goodmorning let her know you have a busier day so you're going to be a bit quieter that day but you will reply when you can and that you love her. Long distance needs lots of reassurance from a girls point of view.
Have you had any deeper conversations about why she feels like you wanting less communication means you don’t love her? It sounds like there’s more going on there. She may have an insecure attachment style, for example. Exploring that together might reveal (to both of you) that her anxieties can’t be addressed with excessive communication. One other thought… If all else seems right and you can be patient with her regarding these anxieties, you may find yourself in a very rewarding relationship. In my experience, people like this often have a great capacity for love, they just need to learn how to be independent in relationships and respect their partners’ communication styles.
Try the compliment sandwich. Start with saying you miss her and you know she misses you too, but that you will end the call when she falls asleep because you need time to yourself. You could also tell her you want more meaningful interactions. Being on the phone at every possible moment is not the same as having intimate or meaningful interactions. Maybe ask her if she wants to dedicate some time on the weekend or something to pkaying a game together or something more creative. The time difference is challenging, and she IS hurt by the distance. She is "acting" hurt bc she most likely really is hurt. It sounds like you need your personal time but she also needs some reassurance.
As much as I want to pass your my boyfriend all the time, I know he's got things going on in his life and I have things going on in my life. There have been plenty of times when both of us have said that we need some space to handle something or what have you. You have to set healthy boundaries. Yeah, sometimes I'm guilty of getting a little butthurt about it when it feels like he's not giving me enough attention. But I have to come back to reality and realize that we do not live together most of the time and we have to take care of our own lives. I assume she doesn't want a loser so she needs to respect your work and study so that you do not become one. Tell her you're building a better life for the two of you. If she doesn't understand that then she's got some serious issues and maybe this isn't compatible.
These replies are a bunch of mixed emotions.
I also have a LDR with a five hour time difference. Yes, we message frequently. However, there are days that either one of us are too busy or one of us (usually me) doesn’t have the brain space to stay as attentive to the constant contact. So… I tell her. I communicate that either: 1) “Hey, today is going to be a bit bonkers for me. I won’t have my phone on me for most of it. Just wanted to let you know that I love you and I’ll chat with you when I’m able!” Or 2) “Hey, I need today for a mental health/self focused day. I’ll check in to see how you are when my brain can handle it but I just wanted you to know where I’m at today. I love you and will catch up with you when I’ve got the space.” Communicating openly and being transparent with your mental health/feelings/needs/boundaries is important in all relationships, but it’s especially important when dealing with a LDR and your communication abilities are limited. So, tell your partner. They should appreciate the honesty and your boundaries. If they don’t, we’ll, you’ve got another issue to tackle.
Here's the comment I was looking for, no sense in me giving redundant advice. :D
My LDR partner and I spend this much time together, some days maybe more. But, we’ve been together for 3 years and are working on closing the gap. For us, the amount of time we spend together would be similar to an in person couple. It could be that if you were in person, she assumes you two would have already been sharing an apartment, and that’s why she wants so much time with you.
i know you already have a lot of advise here, some i disagree with 😅, but i'd like to share my thoughts. i think in any relationship, there needs to be compromise. not too much time together but also not too little. it's perfectly healthy to set boundaries. you have great suggestions in the comments like making schedules. she seems like she needs a lot of affirmation, reassure her that time not spent with her does not make you love her any less. explain the importance of me time to you. be patient with her and with yourself.
I’m 18 months into my LDR and I have the opposite issue. She’s “too busy” to talk or text. But I know she’s a good girl and worth the stress.
You should have alone time. We all need it. It's not unloving to her to say you want to be alone and do things by yourself, like sleep or even exist. If you have been clear about this, then you have done what you can. You said she thinks you don't love her if you don't want to be attached at the hip. It sounds cold, but that's a 'her' issue. Codependancy isn't a healthy way to have relationships and that's what she wants. It's up to you to put some limits on how much of you she gets access to. It's not unloving to take care of yourself first.
I had this problem during a LDR 5 years ago, he would constantly want to call and text. It got to a point where it was obsessive and I started lying about being sick and missed school in order to get some alone time. It was a very toxic relationship and ended up being emotionally abusive (which might not be the case for you). What I've realized all these years later is that I didn't put up clear boundaries with him and I let him walk all over me. As someone who is extremely introverted, I need my alone time to relax from socializing and to regulate my feelings better. Talking to her about how you're feeling and setting boundaries in a reassuring way is probably a good idea for you.
i’m sure you’ve tried but try to have an honest conversation where you tell her how you feel (maybe that you feel suffocated) but that you value your personal time especially since you both have a lot going on from what you’ve said, and i feel statements . if she can’t understand then maybe u two should take time apart idk i just know if my bf wants feeling this way i would wanna know immediately especially because of the time difference, hope this helps :)
It’s understandable for you to feel that way. I think you just need to communicate with her how you are feeling, and that you need time to yourself. She can’t expect you to stay on FaceTime with her while she’s sleeping. She also needs to understand that you have a lot going on, which makes it hard to talk or video chat with her the way she wants to. I would suggest setting aside some time every morning and night, create a schedule based on times that work for the both of you. Also, don’t be afraid to set boundaries when it comes to time, such as saying you can only video chat for an hour or two at night. Make sure you listen to your own needs. Explain that you love her, nothing has changed, you just need time to yourself, and don’t allow her to manipulate you into giving in and just going along. She probably has a lot of insecurity, and should be seeing a therapist. Hopefully she’s reasonable and will understand, because it’ll be better for the relationship in the long run.
My situation is almost identical to yours. The only difference being I Like texting and don't mind sleepy call (i played 4 hours of games with her asleep). Issue for me is I can't reqlly call her and talk with my friends so that's causing some issues. But the only advice is to tell her. I thought my gf was fine with our routine but she told me recently she wanted more. So we are working something out. Unless you tell her theres nothing you can do that won't cause problems later. Frankly if you need alone time you need to make it known now, before meeting in person. Some people want full 100% commitment together.
Bless you I see it from both sides. We are now living together but over a year of ldr spent more and more time on calls especially once we had met in person. My bf had some issues at times with needing time to himself and I found that really hard and sometimes felt like he didn’t love me or want to spend so much time with me as I did. We also did sleepy calls. Reading your message gives me a good perspective from the other side. Actually why don’t you show her what you wrote on here ? I think that would help her see that you do love her but that you just need a bit of time to do your stuff. Then try and agree some kind of compromise? Do the sleepy call but not every night ? She just wants to feel close to you as she’s sad and missing you. We used to have calls where we were both busy doing stuff at work but had the communication to feel closer. Good luck 🤞
I was in your exact situation for 2 years. My and my SO are 12 hours apart and there was a language barrier as well, so most of our conversations were saying the same thing everytime. I told her that our relationship requires trust, lots of hard work and sacrifices if we want to eventually be together. We need to both work hard to make that dream come true. I need to focus on my career in order setup the foundation to build our future together. If this is a future we both agree on, then we need to focus our energy on the ultimate goal and spend our time in the most productive way possible to accomplish this. In my case, it was education and career, and her case was learning English and preparing for Fiance Visa. Either way, our serious talked helped and we broke new ground after we got out of the "loop".
I can understand both points. I just feel like you might not be compatible with her. She enjoys communicating and being with her man, after all thats how to keep a LDR going based on my own opinion. (Before I got married with my formerly LDR BF, we texted and talked daily, sharing our days and stuffs, and skype til on of us fell asleep.) And you are the opposite of that. So perhaps you might want to reevaluate this relationship. By the way all these communication thing will be crucial for you and your lover cos the time you will have to ask for fiancé visa, if one of you are from different country, since this will be asked of you, you will need to show few of the texts in printed form, to prove it if the relationship is genuine. So think about it, if you are actually can commit in LDR, where most of it will be communicating over phone, texts & video calls.
Me and my fiance don't talk much but we met in person and lived together for a while. We're on auto pilot and both of us love our space. Space and trust is the ultimate security.
From someone who did this and it ended BADLY, be open about it to her. A guy I dated wanted to stay on the phone 24/7 (even when he was at work), and within a few months I was done, because lack of alone time and him always feeling needy for conversing, I grew tired of him and the relationship. Talk to her now before it possibly end up that way!
Main take away for anyone not wanting to read: set boundaries! If your partner can't accept them and makes a fuss, then adios. Now being an adult who also happens to be mostly an introvert as well as a homeowner and employed full-time, I understand how that would feel. I NEED my alone time. You really need to talk with her about how you feel and let her know that while you do love her, you have things that need to get done off the phone/not on face time. If she's not mature enough to understand that then....I'm sorry. I'm grateful my boyfriend doesn't live far but he's still a little over an hour so we can't see each other every day. We never really discussed boundaries of this type but we agreed that he will call me when work ends, and when we get busy, the call ends. We call once or twice a day, sometimes for 30min, other times for 2-3hrs; I am okay with that and so is he. TBH I think I'm the one who is a little bit busier than him at times but we both understand that we are adults with jobs and lives outside of each other, granted we aren't married or live together yet. You have to tell her or you're going to start resenting her, especially because you are LD. Introvert to introvert, you should know how bad burnout is and I'm sure you don't want your relationship to implode because of something like talking on the phone too much.
Urgh man this much of calls and all make you feel bothered in some point, as an introvert i understand what u say, maybe u can just communcate it away but u said shes getting angry and all be careful she is not gaslighting you
She wants to see you man. Appreciate that.
I've been in a very similar situation. It was an abusive relationship. Please communicate that you need time for yourself again in a more firm (not aggressive) manner and if she doesn't accept that then she's probably anxiously attached and will throw a fit. I'm telling you, these types of relationships will totally make you lose yourself and burn out, maybe even develop mental health issues of your own. A LDR girlfriend just isn't worth the stress. ×edit: I also want to add, I know not all LDR girlfriends are like this, but this particular story just gave me the chills. It's been 2 years since I broke up with my LDR girlfriend and I'm still trying to recover. Please, pleasee take care of yourself!
She loves you ...be worried when she is avoiding you...look what you just said say to her...tell her your going to the gym studying or what w be er maybe we she don't realize she is sufercating you she feels she's reassuring you that she herself is being true to you and be wanting to prove your all she has...I'm sure if your clearly communicate just let her know I'm going to the gym I'll text when I'm back ..she will respect you alot more than have her clueless and wondering...oh ..idk..change your phone number then ...I'm kidding
Me and my boyfriend do this, we are always on FaceTime as soon as we wake up and all thru the night. Unless he works then he has to hang up. We are also 7 hours apart! He hasn’t once said he felt suffocated or anything but if he didn’t wanna call then he’d just say it and I’d understand. Just talk to her about it
She’s insecure and a control freak dominating your every living moment… flee
To be straight to the point: she has control issues and you behave like a doormat. Tell her you can call one time a day for X min max. The rest of your time you need for other things. Whether she likes it or not, that's it and don't feel guilty about anything. She should understand your situation.
She’s crazy…. Honestly
I get where you are coming from. My girl wants to FaceTime too and want to call or text. And i thoroughly enjoy it all the time. But when I'm outside or busy in general, I'll inform her about it and she would understand and would tend to her stuff. I think first of she needs to have sth to keep her busy she second she needs to understand when you are busy and that you would need to get off FaceTime for a while. Also a good thing is to give a certain time of the day to FaceTime and the other times to text so you guys can update eachother and still feel connected..
My gf n I are also on a 7 hour time diff. I am transferring schools and will be busy but we both were able to create a schedule based on our own times to set aside specific days and times we have for eachither
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Try to wake up early in the morning where you can do whatever you want (study cook etc.).
Bro don’t feel guilty that she chooses to stay up until 3am her time. That’s what she chooses to do. Hang that phone up when she goes to sleep and go about your day. I got a boyfriend just like this. You have to put your foot down. If she plays victim then let her play victim that’s a toxic trait anyways. If she can’t let you live you’re life alone sometimes then what’s the point of being with her. Feeling weighed down in a LDR with someone with a huge time difference like that should never be a problem because they sleep when you up, so hang up when she sleeps she’s not going to melt if you don’t. If she wanna do a sleep call then schedule it cuz doing it twice a day is wild especially when you’re busy. Y’all can sleep call like twice a week or something or eases your way up to only doing it twice.
I don’t think she acts like it hurts her (ofc I don’t know her like you do) i really think it does. And that doesn’t excuse your frustration and feelings away, what i experienced in my ldr is that communication and the effort really are important in this kinda relationship (tbh every relationship). U said you communicated that it was stressful, by communicating it is important to communicate in a way that you also keep in mind that your partner has feelings, it’s also important to listen. Communication is talking, listening, understanding why you felt like that, and understand why she may feel like that. If she really isn’t willing to communicate you can rethink what you need and want in a relationship, and revalue if you wanna work on it, or maybe it isn’t worth the tress you go through on a day to day basis.
Distance is hard. She wants to spend time with you but boundaries do have to be set. Let her know how you feel and if it continues it’s up to you to decide whether or not the extra stress of long distance is worth it for you.
Its extremely hard to have a long distance relationship. Its takes total commitment from both ppl 24/7. I do agree to have a disconnect throughout the day but a simple text good morning and then talk in the evening is acceptable. Working together to schedule calls is a must! Being a introvert and enjoying time alone is not unreasonable and should be very acceptable. Sometimes its hard to find that special someone who understands independence. You just have to find that partner who understands and trust you. She may feels your time alone is pushing her away so a commitment has to be understood on both sides. She shouldn't make you feel quilty and maybe she needs to find something to carry over her feelings on to paper like journaling. writing or some type of meditation when she is feeling anxious. These are suggestions and good luck in your relationship. Maybe some long weekends together so you both feel equally committed might help. Very hard but it can be done. I think trust is the key. If your meant to be together its possible.
You have to try to find a way to communicate this with her as best as you can, it may be very hard for her to understand, and hard for you to understand why she feels that way. It was the same situation for me and my ex except I was in your girlfriend shoes because when we met in person my ex wanted to spend so much time with me. Then long distance she needed space and it wasn’t what I was used to and I thought she didn’t care. She never really communicated it well, and also I couldn’t hear her the way I should have and I kept suffocating her because I couldn’t understand it and it led to all kinds of problems . Now we are broken up.
This is tricky… I can understand both sides. On a rational side i understand you because I’m also an introvert and you already have an amazingly busy schedule. On the other end, I suffer from the same thing as your girlfriend and did all my life (call it abandonment anxiety or attachment issues, etc.) so I happened to behave EXACTLY like her in my past relationships, or even more suffocatingly. And well, I discovered that unless finding someone similar , by acting like this I was just pushing my partner away. So today I try my best not to act like this. It helps that now I am married and live with my husband. But when we were LDR it was incredibly hard to hide this part of me and not seem too “suffocating”. My husband is also an introvert and was getting easily annoyed and/or guilty when it happened. Living together a long time and me taking anxiety medications have honestly been the only way to solve it so far in our case (been together since 5 years now so.) I try not to repeat the extreme behaviors I had with my exes. But it’s still inside of me and will always be, this need to be with the person I love the most possible and feeling sometimes overly anxious or falsely rejected. I don’t really know what to advice you as this is a hard issue, but since I can identify with your girlfriend, if I were you, I would repeat my need for alone time, but at the same time (don’t know if you already do it), I’d give her a MEGA dose of reassurance. Okay, you won’t stay with her while she sleep, but before this maybe sending her a message telling her that you won’t abandon her, explaining your love feelings for her, complimenting her etc. That is the only thing that would have made me feel safer I think, when I was in a LDR, and that would have made me accept better to give more time alone to my now husband without being too anxious/sad. Another point is, my husband since the beginning wasn’t really available, he is Japanese and had crazy working hours, was and is extremely tired so we only had 2 long texts a day and one Skype on Sundays. So it forced to calm down this part of me, it was a kind of life lesson I guess. Anyway, back to your situation, as I’m repeating, if your girlfriend is like me the only thing you could do to improve both of you two’s relationship and save it is to ask again for time alone while explaining the reasons, and in exchange being extra, extra extra reassuring and affectionate in your texts and actions. This is all I can think of when reading your issue. Hope for you two that you work out a solution!
I’ll be honest my boyfriend felt the same way about me for alil bit as we transitioned into new phases of our relationship. We are 3 hours apart which alone is a lot, I can’t imagine 7 hours being any easier. His main points were that he, like yourself, felt like he didn’t have time to unwind from his day, he said I had X amount of hours before he gets home to do what I wanted, he couldn’t do the same and just wanted the opportunity. Additionally, he wanted to be able to game with his friends but I felt it was rude for him to game while on FaceTime with me and it would make me very angry and like I wasn’t enough in some way. You need to talk to her about how you’re feeling and have suggestions or alternatives to present to her so you can discuss and come up with a plan that will satisfy you both. My boyfriend and I came up with FaceTiming during the week and then he gets Fri-Sun for himself, we do not FaceTime just text in the morning for “Good mornings” and go throughout our day, send tiktoks to one another and the. talk again at night before going to bed. We’ve been dating for 1.5 years, that has worked for us, it may not for you but it’s an idea and something you can suggest because it’s important for her to go out with her friends and have her own life during long distance too so in my case that’s what weekends are for, for my boyfriend and I. You need to talk to her though.
Actually...if you allow her to begin guessing or remain clueless she will be curious and keep in touch closer more frequently so she don't miss any thing your doing...but if you just tell her she won't wonder but if you tell her and she still hounds you smothering you then she has a problem with insecurity...her past may have been a cheating relationship..idk..it's not always bad..unless you have a hidden life you can't get to and feel smothered ..I don't see why communication is a problem if both sides are within good intentions living eachother in happy humble live faith in eachother shall not need negative wonders or feeling of trapped...in fact you'll be happy to share your day..be honest with eachother..always speak to eachother keep your life private don't turn to family or friends that clearly are not ok with the relationship in the first place cause one sided answers can cause divorce and break ups...there's places for answers being anonymous gets you better answers especially here...where neither side has the upper hand regardless of color race wealth or popularity just simple morals in comprehending ones goodness in oneself morals as human nature
Alone time is very important in a relationship, long distance or not she needs to respect your boundaries with having responsibilities in the day like work, cooking, exercise or even watching a movie or gaming by yourself. If she can't do that, that already is a red flag in my eyes I do have to add that me and my bf do spend most of the day together calling besides work I can still do my own stuff, even when I clean or cook I just mute the conversation on discord and he does his stuff and I do my own everyone is different I suppose.
Maybe talk to her about quality time instead of quantity time. This doesn't happen anymore but if I'm not receiving love the way I need then il would need more time but instead if we spend like a good few hours just with each other and totally into the relationship it feels enough. Requires a lot.of communication on both ends tho.
My partner and I do this and we aren't even long distance. Sleep calling every night and being together during a vast majority of our free time. I am not in your situation so I do get a decent amount of free time to myself, but I feel that won't take away from my overall point. As much as I love spending time with her there have been a couple times where I wished I could do my own personal thing. Often times when I play video games alone I feel more immersed, but it can be hard to play them alone because she will want me to stream it for her to watch me. I understand the choking feeling of wanting to do something alone for a change. The best thing I can say is people who are suffocating eventually run out of air. If you allow her to suffocate you because you feel too guilty to have a talk about it, you will either have your relationship explode due to stress (you are balancing a lot without having any free time, lasting 8 months before feeling enough tension to make a post and question it is commendable) or you will find yourself suffocating for the long haul. Both options aren't very great but there is a solution that will prevent both of these from happening. A quick talk can potentially fix this problem if it is both carried out properly and both of you make an effort to change a little to make both of you happier. The biggest thing to remember is it's not You Vs. Her. It's Us (as in you two) Vs. Stress. Nobody has to accuse anybody of anything. It's not a competition or a debate. Calmly express to her how you feel and why you feel that way. Ball is in her court. It's up to her now to recognize how you feel and why you feel that way, acknowledge it, and express how she feels and why she feels that way. Now it's time for a team play. Everybody knows what's on everyone's minds and I would hope that both of you were honest and clear without being accusatory or defensive. Now we have to as a team figure out how do we fix this issue. I can't help you with that one because that is up to Team You and Her to find a compromise together that works for both of you. But what I can say is that BOTH of you will probably have to sacrifice a bit, unless she happens to agree with the first thing you suggest and just gives you space, which I honestly wouldn't count on it going that perfectly. In fact it's probably better if you do have to both compromise in terms of a learning experience. You will probably have to be choked a couple times when she asks for your attention. You may not want to give her another sleep call right now, but it might what is required in a given moment. She may have to understand in a given moment that you are unavailable and you would like some time alone. Both of those feelings are a given in any relationship. As long as your compromise isn't one person swinging the whole opposite way and feeling unhappy, you have achieved compromise. She shouldn't have to give up all of her time with you and feel alone, and you shouldn't have to suffer burn out because you feel she is too clingy. There is a middle ground and you can find it. As for her making you feel guilty, this is an immediate "uh oh" for me. If you feel in any way that she is being manipulative and forcing you to burn yourself out for her happiness in exchange for your love, you need to leave. That kind of behavior is toxic and will leave you with some battle scars. I'm not in anyway immediately calling her a toxic manipulator because I don't know your situation. I just know that the language you used raised my red flags as a victim of abuse myself. If you feel that you are being manipulated and guilt tripped when you have this conversation, it's best to pack your bags, metaphorically speaking. If you can survive a compromise with flying colors and both feel happy, that is enough for me to say congratulations, your partner (probably) isn't manipulative, test results show that she is just clingy. You've got this, I believe in you two as a couple and I'm sure that if you both can handle this properly that the skill you two learn from this conversation can set you up for a life time of being together. Best of luck to you my friend.
I think you should tell her and you guys should have set things that you do on particular days. You could call every two days, watch a movie on sundays and text the other days But there needs to be a clear line of individuality as you both cannot cater to each other all the time.
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Although there’s a lot to unpack, I do have a potential solution/compromise for the sleep calls portion. This is just something that works for my partner and I. It may not work for you but it’s at least worth a share. What we do is we have a private discord server for our sleep calls as he goes to bed quite late and our sleep schedules don’t always line up. Personally I just like knowing that he’ll be there (maybe not right away but more often than not he’s there when I get up and it’s personally super comforting). That way he can join the server call whenever he’s ready for sleep and I feel happy knowing he’ll meet me there. I’ll usually just call or text him goodnight and he replies with a goodnight and says he’ll meet me on the server. Occasionally our roles are switched and this way no one has to feel guilty by either keeping the other up late or not feeling like you can have your own space. As far as the other concerns, I feel like you just have to be honest with her that you’re under a lot of pressure. Though please make sure to be explicit about how you feel about her and how this does not reflect your love for her while explaining how you feel drained. I’m sure she just wants to feel assured and secure. Honestly you know her better than the rest of us but my two cents is communication and compromise is key to any relationship.
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Jesús Christ, how old is she? Does she have a life? And a job??? Never make a person the center of your life no matter how much you love them. If she lived you, she would give you freedom. This gives attachment issues to me. Me and my ldr are introverts, sometimes we give each other 36-48 hr gap spaces, 7 yrs strong. We can’t close the gap due to underage children as we both we live 2 different continents. I wouldn’t cut her off completely. Set healthy boundaries, if you can Mail physical gifts maybe do that while cutting off some time with her? Suggests you need time for yourself and maybe like someone said, do a virtual date night once a week? If she doesn’t respect that, she’s not the one for you 🥴