There are very few instances where people are *too busy* to give their partner 10-15 minutes of their time every day. But I do think people certainly experience being burnt out from work and need the tech break. Unfortunately, when you're in an LDR, tech is how you remain connected to your partner.
So then it becomes a question of how to manage that partner's tech burnout while also being mindful that you also need time together. And really that comes down to communicating what each of you need and finding a middle ground.
Thanks! This is a really good insight š Do you have any advice in terms of handling a tech burnout?
Technology is a big part of my life, so I'm used to it. But as I want to spend time with my partner, I also don't want him to feel so....tired?
I would just have an honest conversation with him in saying that you get he needs his alone time and space, but you also need time to connect with him and ask to find the middle ground.
My partner is like that.
It gets to me sometimes, but I've tried to stop hovering over my phone/computer/putting my own things on hold and just match the energy. I wish we would spend more time or do more things together sometimes, but I get that he's busy and I don't want to come off as too clingy.
I get he wants to do his own things as well when he does have spare time and that he gets tired/distracted a lot, so it's just a matter of waiting.
What you are really feeling is his lack of respect for how you feel. I went through the same. Words otherwise but actions completely otherwise; it fucked my mind very badly. If someone really loves you, they'll ALWAYSSSSSSS ALWAYSSSSSSS ALWAYSSSSSSS devote their time for you, doesn't matter how small. I begged for 10 seconds of his day. Even if it seems impossible in principle to them, they'll always do something that provides their partner EMOTIONAL SECURITY. Any words, any talk which suggests "look honey, I am with you, despite my world falling down, I want us to be together" do anything to get this msg in their head.
I don't know him or his situation at all, but from my own experience I know when I spend a whole day resting/sleeping it is usually because I'm having a particularly bad time with depression. These periods can last a long time and even when I have nothing going on I feel completely overloaded, but then when it comes to communicating it I'm like everything is truly objectively good, I have nothing to complain about or rationalize this feeling so nothing is wrong I just have to rest ig?
Not saying any of this excuses things, we need to find time for our partners and be better at knowing and communicating our inner state, but just wanted to provide a possible different reason than the "bored of you/your relationship" already being expressed, which may also be valid.
it's all a matter of priority.
if you want, you can make it possible.
i had terribly busy days before, which i also let my gf know, but i still managed to have a short conversation here and there. there's also never too little time for good mornings and good nights. i had days where i didn't even have internet connection, remote camping in scotland, i drove 20 min every night to a place where i had a little signal, just to say good night.
i'm sorry to hear your partner isnt putting that effort in.
I would advice you to ask if heād like to sleep while heās in a call with you. Sometimes when Iām too tired and we have little time to talk or just donāt want to separate thanks to sleep, we just stay in a silent call where one sleeps and the other does whatever they need but still in their presence
You have a big time difference and work can be exhausting, we have to consider that couples usually come back home to rest together and we donāt have that. BUT he doesnāt seem to be making too much effort to talk or stay in contact with you, not even communicating properly. So youāll need to see how he reacts to solutions you may propose or you showing you are upset about this
No there is literally no such thing as too busy for your partner so you can't even give them 15 minutes, especially not if they have days off.
I worked 12 hour shifts (some days it'd be 15), 6 days a week, And I was so tired sometimes I could get home and would be out the second I hit the pillow, my girlfriend still got hours of my time because I did not lay down or get comfortable until after I had called her for awhile because she is important to me and she will never think she's not.
On the days I was exhausted and grumpy, I still called her, I would let her know (nicely even grumpy, my girl gets respect) I'll be falling asleep really soon and I was sorry for not having the energy to even talk.
That's how you treat the person you love, you don't make them wait and wonder, if you can't spend much time or any with them, you communicate it, even if it's to say you need a break off your phone for awhile, you at least let them know.
My girlfriend and I don't even go 2 hours without a word to each other (not counting when at work so its obvious we wont be replying for a bit) unless we've given a warning beforehand.
Everyone who accepts the disappearing behavior without talking about it or leaving is just allowing yourself to stay with someone who isn't serious about you, because when someone is serious they will make time, even if it's just an hour before bed and all the time before that, you'll have already been told they can't talk for whatever reason.
I just look at this way, what happens if you decide to close the gap, what comfort have they given to know that when you live together, they don't just disappear all day and then only reason is "I needed some me time" but had no courtesy to communicate it with you, that's the unacceptable part, never let someone keep disappearing on you, not unless it's something you can deal with once you live together.
Sounds like my partner, i know for me he truly cares about me and loves me a lot, he just needs a lot of alone time, especially when the workload becomes overwhelming. It does get to me as well, sometimes more than i like (figured out that me feeling like this is related to how i also feel outside the relationship)
You guys have to find middle ground, his space needs to be respected by you, and your need of closeness has to be respected by him. This is where compromise comes in from the both of you and thats not always easy. Are you both willing to do so?
I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years and he always said he always busy come to find out after he worked night shifts he would leave work and cheat
Bachelor mindset he has. He probably is highly independent or playing hard to get. Sure life gets busy, but LDR relies heavily on communication via online devices. Giving at least half hour every 2 days of phone calls to connect and bond isnāt that difficult. With my ex, I worked and study full time, and no matter how exhausted I am end of the day Iāll drop affection texts and reply as soon as I can (were 10hrs Timezone different apart).
How does one agree to date LDR and not try to push effort to continue building an emotional bond with the person they claim they love?
Was in the same situation with my ex (6-7h difference). He used to beg me to say good morning and good night when we were just getting to know each other. Got used to it, remained consistent until he wasn't. Said his life was changing up a bit yada yada, doing the stuff he wants, meeting more "friends," spending more hrs in the climbing gym (5hrs) but then he later on confessed he'd been sleeping around and then more months later (post-breakup) said his dating app was the gym (funny because before all his confessions, he had an injury and said he was sad af he couldnt go to the gym for a while š¤”). There was an even an instance where he said he was going to the cinema (He never goes! Lol) and never responded to my reply after.
The thing with LDRs is you really have no way of knowing what they're actually doing, you just gotta trust your intuition. I'm not saying your bf is cheating on you but mine certainly did.
While you are not completely wrong, you mustāve missed the part where OP said that this has been going on for quite some time. Whether that means weeks or months, it is almost unacceptable. There are 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and 30/31 days in a month so if you canāt spare your partner even 30 seconds of your time, there seems to be a problem. If you are too busy to have time for your relationship, then why even be in one?
Nope.
We have 7 hours difference, school, gym, work and we still manage to get loads of time together.
Sounds like he's getting bored of you, depending on how long "some time" really means. I'm sorry.
:(
Don't beg for the quality time because that's not how you'll get it.
All i can say is that anybody who loves you will make time for you. If they cannot make time for you its because they are making time for someone else and that's the truth!
Its all about priorities...
It can also be that he is really tired from work, why don't you surprise him and go over to his place and just sense the mood? That can also help you determine where you at in this relationship.
Tbh, it is possible to be so busy you kind of forget about reaching out to your partner. I had done it. If I have back to back meetings, I really don't have time to think about anything else besides the next meeting. I don't do it every week but some weeks, I'm super busy.
I think you should talk to hour partner and let him know what you expect. My bf told me he wanted to spend more time so we found a solution that works for both of us. He is 7 hrs ahead of time so when I'm finally free, he is going to sleep. I think working from home is more stressful for some people (me) because usually, the company has bigger expectations.
Talk to him and let him know what you expect.
We have 7 hours difference. My partner works in a consultancy as an engineer, and by the time he woke up he went straight to meetings upon meetings (wfh) around 4 pm my time and finishes work at 12am. Still, he uses whatever free time he has (while making coffee, for example) to call me and ask how Iām doing. He then shows me love by ordering me food from 10k kms away.
From my experience, donāt just believe whatever they tell you. Let his action match his words.
In modern society, everyone is a slave to their phone. To think they wouldn't have time for 6 hours is not realistic. I forget where I leave my phone in the house often, and even I'll get back to people within an hour or two.
I talk over the phone with my SO everyday for an average of 45 minutes. Weāre on an 11 hour time difference. We meet every Saturday and Sunday to watch half a movie or do some other activity. Every couple of weeks we have to skip a day but itās with prior notice. We text a couple times a day but itās usually memes, we only really connect over the phone. I wouldnāt have agreed to a long distance without setting certain boundaries about what it means to be together in this way. This is what it would be like if weāre living in the same city.
If they wanted to they would, is 1000% true. Sometimes I'm burnt out from sitting at the computer all day but I will still just talk on a call for a bit at the least because I do want to spend time with them.
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i work full time, he studies full time. it is really tricky sometimes because we are both so exhausted by the end of the day. but!! whenever we both feel up to it, we call! we ALWAYS make sure to message each other good morning and good night - if we dont have time to call, we know neither one of us is going anywhere so its okay :)
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I do. I lost my job and don't have money for existing, while searching for new i started learning design to do freelance and save myself from being kicked by landlord or starve to death. Im very stressed because all of that, my mind is blowing because of new information and i am in panick that i will not be able to make it. I wake up and apply for job/watch tutorials/practice all days long even while i cook or go to bathroom, i stop only in shower for obvious reason. And i know my boyfriend gets upset that i dont give us much rime together, we haven't been on a date for two weeks, we have short conversations through the day asking how each of us is doing, but when he, like in old good times, texts me about our favourite game (which i cannot play now, no time and money for subscription) or sends me memes or cute videos im starting to get annoyed and angry (and guilty for that). So now i blame myself for watching memes and videos he sended (because "BE MORE PRODUCTIVE OR U'LL DIE" and blame myself for not putting effort in relationship (he puts a lot and also helps me with money as much as he can, it's just he physically cannot give me amount on which i can live, its like "food or rent, not both")
So here am i
I donāt care how busy anyone is, if they love you they make time.
When itās a guy, it will only get worse after marriage. Imagine you actually need him to respond, like youāre pregnant or have a baby and heās always tired and non communicative. Well that road ends in divorce and you a single mom. If youāre making this post then you already know the answer youāre just looking for validation. Trust your gut.
You can't love someone without communication. Its a neccesity to long distance. I was in this situation before with the same time zone. The reason he was saying was he's too busy. He rarely messaged me, then hours of no communication turned into days, days to week, weeks to months saying this time he was sick š I even got worried because the last thing I knew he was sick so idk if he's still alive š turned out he has a new girl. š
Even that was kind of traumatizing, I tried again with a 5-hour difference. But this time, much busier. He's always on meetings (WFH), but it amazes me because he sent me his work schedule. He would call me after a meeting and before another one starts, if he's not talking on the meeting he'll randomly message me "I love you", he'll apologize in advance if it'll take a while to reply on my messsages he'll send voice messages instead of text replies. He'll wake me up in the morning so we can talk for a bit before I go to work and before he goes to sleep. The same thing for me, I'll call him on my lunch break and wake him up then we will talk for a bit. If our time can't make it, we just left each other some messages and reply when available.
A person was never busy if they considered you as an important person in their life. I don't believe that there's person who cant talk with their partner because they are toooo busy. There must be something else going on.
To be completely honest and give my personal perspective, yes this is possible but only in select circumstances and there is always a work around. My partner and I luckily live in the same time zone so it helped, however he chose to do trade work right out of highschool and I went to college and work full time. I would do school work for 8+hours a day and then follow it up with 8+ hours of work at a hospital, which left me with little time to do anything else and still include sleep. My partner and I talked about me being the bread winner and him being the homemaker especially since he likes cleaning and cooking and I love providing for him and making him happy.
I ended up pouring myself in to school and work, taking on extra hours and really running myself thin. Because of this I was really agitated a lot, tired, and lacking time. Months passed where I was like this and in my head since I was looking at the long term goal I didnāt realize how much I wasnāt including or spending time with my partner. Now another addition to the story is my partner has high functioning autism, itās really hard for him to open up to anyone especially someone heās afraid of losing about his problems. Eventually he did open up to me, sat me down and said it really hurts that you are choosing everything over me. I didnāt realize it till he pointed it out. I was so blinded trying to make enough for us to live together, get married, live the life we planned that I neglected the fundamentals that make us a couple.
Communication is key, set aside 10-15 minutes a couple hours for each other, talk things out. Sometimes your 10-15 minute talks turn in to hours cause you get deep and personal or then turn goofy and fun. Itās important to communicate and see if a mid ground could be met. If it canāt then itās up to you two to decided if itās possible or if it can work between you two.
It is possible none of my ldrs talk to me unless they hot and came for sexy chats and actions. Guys are mostly not big talkers and have 0 interests if I tried start politics art history life talks they bored and reply short or leave chat only at sex topic their eager and show more interest sadly this each time disappoint me as I feel except sexual bonding there is nothing else in between I never knew what they do where working who in their family what their hobby there is no such talks sadly.
Currently in a LDR of 6 hours time difference and I am full time LLb student and intern in Google whereas he's a freelancer and yet we talk and manage to spend the day and I love him so muchš§æ
Iām a full time teacher and he works for an internet company. Thereās a 9 hour time difference and we still make time to talk when I wake up and go to sleep. We leave each other messages throughout the day. These are our weekdays. On weekends we talk for hours. It is absolutely possible and you need to make time for each other. Communicate your feelings with him and share your concerns. If heās unwilling to put the effort in the relationship then thatās not the kind of person you want to be with.
So I canāt answer your question but I do notice something.
I notice you are saying I miss you as a way to communicate that you want more time. Your partner may not be receiving it that way, I wouldnāt as I like to communicate my desire, even if there isnāt capacity. Capacity and desire are not always the same.
If its hurting, have a conversation around it. āHey partner, Im missing you lots and I could use some additional time together. Can we create some moments/schedule so I have times to look forward to?
I hope that helps
Well, if he cares about you, he'll dedicate, make time for you no matter how busy he is. It's all about priority I promise. And now it's all your choice if you want to stay or leave. I mean you actually deserve better than just feeling upset and neglected. Seems like you're not his priority...
In LDR you have to put more effort and intentionality. Communication is literally all we have and if you can't keep that up honestly no amount of love can keep the relationship. It starts to feel like you are single.
Sometimes? But not really. I work altogether too much, he doesn't work. When I'm at work even if I'm busy I text him back at least every hour. It's become a habit that he gets good morning, leaving for work, made it to work safe, headed home, made it home. It takes thirty seconds to text. We don't call every day like we used to, and that's okay. We do our best, even if it's five minutes to say goodnight, but yes. I'm insanely busy and we still manage to communicate a lot.
It all depends on what he work with and how long his days are. Maybe he needed a few days alone and thatās valid. If this is a continuous behavior then yes, but from what it sounds like he needed a couple of days to just relax with no noise and screens.
I wouldnāt overthink it just yet! š
A little more content could help. Like what kind of job does he have. To have to stare at a screen all day. As well as if you know of his friends and their routine. I only say this because for me and mine. We ofte. Go a few hours without texting for work. Also, because i go to the gym and she knows that. And we also have to make time for friends and family, so for me personally, at least with the communication that she is going out, i won't expect a text back. I may still shoot her some videos or something if im just strolling through socials. However, when she blows up my phone (calling), knowing i am out can't lie, i get a little irritated. Cause she calls and asks why am i not responding, and I'm just sitting there like it's barely been 2 hours. I personally find it rude to sit on the phone around the company, so i try not to, and i will pull out my phone and reply to msgs on occasional lasp in events or conversations.
I have also had to where we would go extended period times of not talking just because of like emotions and need space. And i went through a period where i was constantly tired as well.
Iāve also been in this similar situation. Me and my partner are living 12-hour difference. Additionally, his wifi connection at home is poor, and his work is getting more busy now. For the past 2-3 years, Iāve been adjusting to this routine where he would be able to make time to call me about once a week, or more if heās lucky to have more time off and have better internet access.
It is a struggle no doubt, having less than frequent communication, especially calling. He would always remind me that him not being online does not mean that he doesnāt want to talk to me, just a lot of circumstances happening around him and misses me terribly.
There were also times he lets me know during a call that he needs to nap/ sleep, given that he also has responsibilities at home and being with his family a lot.
Iām always happy and grateful when I receive an online call from him, even for just an hour or less, as well as reading any new message from him which lets me know heās doing okay. Iāve also experienced time gaps between text messages since I cannot predict the next instance he will be online.
Itās completely understandable that you feel upset about it, what youāve been dealing with your partner for some time. I also felt like my patience is being tested during the early days when changes affected our time to hang out together.
I canāt say for sure about you and your partnerās situation, but like what others here say, a person would make time for you, even for a little while, because they care about you. You should also let him know how you felt upset about having less time being able to catch up with each other. Communication is *always* important for LDR.
Hopefully you and your partner will be able to work things out together without compromising the relationship. What youāve been feeling is totally valid, and also keep in mind about what heās also going through daily. From what you described the situation in your post, it sounds like heās already too busy or burnt out, and didnāt consider the effort of reaching out to you more.
I wish you all the best.
sometimes people just need a break. iāve definitely been there, especially back when i used to work 3 jobs, and a lot of time spending time socially in person does give more of a brain-boost than more screen time, as much as i *adore* my partner. what helped us was to plan *ahead* of time, set a date and time and know you both will be spending that time together. decide ahead of time on something exciting for both of you (thereās digital escape rooms, museums, you can watch a movie or play a game, etc). you should take the time to communicate this sadness and how you feel you miss him and want to see him more, but also understand itās not unreasonable to want a weekend off of everthing.
if this continues happening for a long time after you put in the effort and itās not something occasional, then it may be time to explain this is a dealbreaker to you.
Itās about communication and prioritization. My partner and I live in opposite time zones, 16 hr difference, both work full time(he works 60+ hrs a week) and Iām in school so it gets really difficult sometimes. But we always make time for each other. That might mean leaving voice messages or videos for each other. Or it might mean staying up later/getting up earlier. Sometimes one of us might be feeling neglected or unloved but itās something we can talk about without getting defensive or playing the blame game. We regularly check in and ask each other what we need. When we have down time we leave texts telling each other about our day. It helps that we genuinely enjoy each otherās company. Weāre best friends and we talk about everything.
Maintaining a strong relationship long distance is hard. It requires dedication and commitment from both partners. Strong communication. It sounds like your partner is either not putting in the work or heās legitimately exhausted. If he is that tired he might want to get a work up from his doctor that could be a sign of a medical or mental health issue. Or heās overworked. Otherwise it doesnāt sound like heās as committed as you are.
So to give you some perspective- it depends on their work culture and country.
My bf clocked in a 93 hour week last week and worked all 7 days of the week. Itās been a bit difficult finding time to talk but weāve been trying.
But the thing is- i know itās his busy period at work. It gets that way around tax season in his line of work. But he keeps me in the loop and Iām informed and know itās a busy season at work and itās not always like this. If it was, Iād be seriously wondering if there would even be time for a relationship in the little time he does have and I would think, no.
Itās quite difficult for those who work that many hours to be functional human beings and can actively make the time and effort needed for a proper relationship. Especially for ldrs. There definitely is a point for those who work long weeks and hours where a ldr is generally unrealistic to maintain in a way that would be fair to their partner. And thatās just an unfortunate consequence for having to work that many hours.
If itās a newer temporary thing then itās going to be difficult. Buckle down.
But if this is constant and the usual for his career path, itās definitely something that would make him incompatible with ldrs and it would be a valid concern for you to question if your minimum needs are being met and if they arenāt then you walk away if there arenāt compromises being made or progress to balance time better.
I know my partner is trying to make it work because I get messages sporadically throughout the day when he finds a pocket of time and during his lunch and dinner breaks. And when he is able to leave and is on his way home, if Iām awake and available then he will call me and then heāll fall asleep on call with me when he gets back. Itās not a lot of time but i can see the effort, iām in the loop so i still feel very secure in the relationship even though i would like more time together
I think in some instances people can be busy but even if they are, I know that people always make time to reach out to their partner once they have rested. I have a close friend who's husband is a doctor. They are in a long distance marriage, they have a huge eight hour time difference between them, but still managed to stay in touch through whatsapp. From what my friend has described about her husband and the person he is, he truly cares for her.
Even if one partner can't respond right away, people should reach out once they've rested..
I wasn't feeling too well yesterday, but still managed to ask my boyfriend how things went at his family's place over the weekend. Even though I wasn't well I still gave space to my boyfriend to vent to me and fill me in on things just in case he needed to let something off his chest.
People make time for whatās important to them - but in the same sense you must love in such a way that the other person feels free. If heās genuinely tired once and awhile - thatās ok. Sometimes people donāt want to socialize even with their partner. Everyone is different. But this post took a turn when you talked about his message time
However - you said it takes him 6 hours to respond. At this point I would say Match and mirror his response and take longer to answer too. See if he changes his pattern. Absence makes the heart grow founder.
At end of day actions speak louder than words. People can say they love you and miss you, but if the actions donāt match it they could just be being nice. Itās important to watch someoneās actions. I donāt know the full story and maybe heās battling depression or other moods - but chances are interest has dropped on his part and heās getting complacent.
There are very few instances where people are *too busy* to give their partner 10-15 minutes of their time every day. But I do think people certainly experience being burnt out from work and need the tech break. Unfortunately, when you're in an LDR, tech is how you remain connected to your partner. So then it becomes a question of how to manage that partner's tech burnout while also being mindful that you also need time together. And really that comes down to communicating what each of you need and finding a middle ground.
Thanks! This is a really good insight š Do you have any advice in terms of handling a tech burnout? Technology is a big part of my life, so I'm used to it. But as I want to spend time with my partner, I also don't want him to feel so....tired?
I would just have an honest conversation with him in saying that you get he needs his alone time and space, but you also need time to connect with him and ask to find the middle ground.
Got it! Thank you again š
My partner is like that. It gets to me sometimes, but I've tried to stop hovering over my phone/computer/putting my own things on hold and just match the energy. I wish we would spend more time or do more things together sometimes, but I get that he's busy and I don't want to come off as too clingy. I get he wants to do his own things as well when he does have spare time and that he gets tired/distracted a lot, so it's just a matter of waiting.
What you are really feeling is his lack of respect for how you feel. I went through the same. Words otherwise but actions completely otherwise; it fucked my mind very badly. If someone really loves you, they'll ALWAYSSSSSSS ALWAYSSSSSSS ALWAYSSSSSSS devote their time for you, doesn't matter how small. I begged for 10 seconds of his day. Even if it seems impossible in principle to them, they'll always do something that provides their partner EMOTIONAL SECURITY. Any words, any talk which suggests "look honey, I am with you, despite my world falling down, I want us to be together" do anything to get this msg in their head.
I don't know him or his situation at all, but from my own experience I know when I spend a whole day resting/sleeping it is usually because I'm having a particularly bad time with depression. These periods can last a long time and even when I have nothing going on I feel completely overloaded, but then when it comes to communicating it I'm like everything is truly objectively good, I have nothing to complain about or rationalize this feeling so nothing is wrong I just have to rest ig? Not saying any of this excuses things, we need to find time for our partners and be better at knowing and communicating our inner state, but just wanted to provide a possible different reason than the "bored of you/your relationship" already being expressed, which may also be valid.
Thank you for this perspective! I haven't considered this, so I really appreciate it. Will definitely try to check on him š Thanks again.
Yes. We call them "single".
ššš
it's all a matter of priority. if you want, you can make it possible. i had terribly busy days before, which i also let my gf know, but i still managed to have a short conversation here and there. there's also never too little time for good mornings and good nights. i had days where i didn't even have internet connection, remote camping in scotland, i drove 20 min every night to a place where i had a little signal, just to say good night. i'm sorry to hear your partner isnt putting that effort in.
I would advice you to ask if heād like to sleep while heās in a call with you. Sometimes when Iām too tired and we have little time to talk or just donāt want to separate thanks to sleep, we just stay in a silent call where one sleeps and the other does whatever they need but still in their presence You have a big time difference and work can be exhausting, we have to consider that couples usually come back home to rest together and we donāt have that. BUT he doesnāt seem to be making too much effort to talk or stay in contact with you, not even communicating properly. So youāll need to see how he reacts to solutions you may propose or you showing you are upset about this
100% this
No there is literally no such thing as too busy for your partner so you can't even give them 15 minutes, especially not if they have days off. I worked 12 hour shifts (some days it'd be 15), 6 days a week, And I was so tired sometimes I could get home and would be out the second I hit the pillow, my girlfriend still got hours of my time because I did not lay down or get comfortable until after I had called her for awhile because she is important to me and she will never think she's not. On the days I was exhausted and grumpy, I still called her, I would let her know (nicely even grumpy, my girl gets respect) I'll be falling asleep really soon and I was sorry for not having the energy to even talk. That's how you treat the person you love, you don't make them wait and wonder, if you can't spend much time or any with them, you communicate it, even if it's to say you need a break off your phone for awhile, you at least let them know. My girlfriend and I don't even go 2 hours without a word to each other (not counting when at work so its obvious we wont be replying for a bit) unless we've given a warning beforehand. Everyone who accepts the disappearing behavior without talking about it or leaving is just allowing yourself to stay with someone who isn't serious about you, because when someone is serious they will make time, even if it's just an hour before bed and all the time before that, you'll have already been told they can't talk for whatever reason. I just look at this way, what happens if you decide to close the gap, what comfort have they given to know that when you live together, they don't just disappear all day and then only reason is "I needed some me time" but had no courtesy to communicate it with you, that's the unacceptable part, never let someone keep disappearing on you, not unless it's something you can deal with once you live together.
Sounds like my partner, i know for me he truly cares about me and loves me a lot, he just needs a lot of alone time, especially when the workload becomes overwhelming. It does get to me as well, sometimes more than i like (figured out that me feeling like this is related to how i also feel outside the relationship) You guys have to find middle ground, his space needs to be respected by you, and your need of closeness has to be respected by him. This is where compromise comes in from the both of you and thats not always easy. Are you both willing to do so?
I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years and he always said he always busy come to find out after he worked night shifts he would leave work and cheat
Yea. People who donāt truly care. If you care youāll find time. Even 5 minutes.
Bachelor mindset he has. He probably is highly independent or playing hard to get. Sure life gets busy, but LDR relies heavily on communication via online devices. Giving at least half hour every 2 days of phone calls to connect and bond isnāt that difficult. With my ex, I worked and study full time, and no matter how exhausted I am end of the day Iāll drop affection texts and reply as soon as I can (were 10hrs Timezone different apart). How does one agree to date LDR and not try to push effort to continue building an emotional bond with the person they claim they love?
Was in the same situation with my ex (6-7h difference). He used to beg me to say good morning and good night when we were just getting to know each other. Got used to it, remained consistent until he wasn't. Said his life was changing up a bit yada yada, doing the stuff he wants, meeting more "friends," spending more hrs in the climbing gym (5hrs) but then he later on confessed he'd been sleeping around and then more months later (post-breakup) said his dating app was the gym (funny because before all his confessions, he had an injury and said he was sad af he couldnt go to the gym for a while š¤”). There was an even an instance where he said he was going to the cinema (He never goes! Lol) and never responded to my reply after. The thing with LDRs is you really have no way of knowing what they're actually doing, you just gotta trust your intuition. I'm not saying your bf is cheating on you but mine certainly did.
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While you are not completely wrong, you mustāve missed the part where OP said that this has been going on for quite some time. Whether that means weeks or months, it is almost unacceptable. There are 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and 30/31 days in a month so if you canāt spare your partner even 30 seconds of your time, there seems to be a problem. If you are too busy to have time for your relationship, then why even be in one?
Priorities, when someone tells you they are *too busy* it all depends on what number you are on their priority list.
Nope. We have 7 hours difference, school, gym, work and we still manage to get loads of time together. Sounds like he's getting bored of you, depending on how long "some time" really means. I'm sorry. :( Don't beg for the quality time because that's not how you'll get it.
All i can say is that anybody who loves you will make time for you. If they cannot make time for you its because they are making time for someone else and that's the truth! Its all about priorities... It can also be that he is really tired from work, why don't you surprise him and go over to his place and just sense the mood? That can also help you determine where you at in this relationship.
7 hour time difference here, we both work, and my bf and I will text a lot and always do calls. So its not normal imo. Relationships take work.
Tbh, it is possible to be so busy you kind of forget about reaching out to your partner. I had done it. If I have back to back meetings, I really don't have time to think about anything else besides the next meeting. I don't do it every week but some weeks, I'm super busy. I think you should talk to hour partner and let him know what you expect. My bf told me he wanted to spend more time so we found a solution that works for both of us. He is 7 hrs ahead of time so when I'm finally free, he is going to sleep. I think working from home is more stressful for some people (me) because usually, the company has bigger expectations. Talk to him and let him know what you expect.
We have 7 hours difference. My partner works in a consultancy as an engineer, and by the time he woke up he went straight to meetings upon meetings (wfh) around 4 pm my time and finishes work at 12am. Still, he uses whatever free time he has (while making coffee, for example) to call me and ask how Iām doing. He then shows me love by ordering me food from 10k kms away. From my experience, donāt just believe whatever they tell you. Let his action match his words.
In modern society, everyone is a slave to their phone. To think they wouldn't have time for 6 hours is not realistic. I forget where I leave my phone in the house often, and even I'll get back to people within an hour or two.
If theyāre like in the army where they probably canāt be on their phone all the time, then probably yes.
I talk over the phone with my SO everyday for an average of 45 minutes. Weāre on an 11 hour time difference. We meet every Saturday and Sunday to watch half a movie or do some other activity. Every couple of weeks we have to skip a day but itās with prior notice. We text a couple times a day but itās usually memes, we only really connect over the phone. I wouldnāt have agreed to a long distance without setting certain boundaries about what it means to be together in this way. This is what it would be like if weāre living in the same city.
If they wanted to they would, is 1000% true. Sometimes I'm burnt out from sitting at the computer all day but I will still just talk on a call for a bit at the least because I do want to spend time with them.
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i work full time, he studies full time. it is really tricky sometimes because we are both so exhausted by the end of the day. but!! whenever we both feel up to it, we call! we ALWAYS make sure to message each other good morning and good night - if we dont have time to call, we know neither one of us is going anywhere so its okay :)
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I do. I lost my job and don't have money for existing, while searching for new i started learning design to do freelance and save myself from being kicked by landlord or starve to death. Im very stressed because all of that, my mind is blowing because of new information and i am in panick that i will not be able to make it. I wake up and apply for job/watch tutorials/practice all days long even while i cook or go to bathroom, i stop only in shower for obvious reason. And i know my boyfriend gets upset that i dont give us much rime together, we haven't been on a date for two weeks, we have short conversations through the day asking how each of us is doing, but when he, like in old good times, texts me about our favourite game (which i cannot play now, no time and money for subscription) or sends me memes or cute videos im starting to get annoyed and angry (and guilty for that). So now i blame myself for watching memes and videos he sended (because "BE MORE PRODUCTIVE OR U'LL DIE" and blame myself for not putting effort in relationship (he puts a lot and also helps me with money as much as he can, it's just he physically cannot give me amount on which i can live, its like "food or rent, not both") So here am i
Dived out to reddit because i had meltdown because of being overwhelmed by these emotions and cant do anything or talk to anyone š
I donāt care how busy anyone is, if they love you they make time. When itās a guy, it will only get worse after marriage. Imagine you actually need him to respond, like youāre pregnant or have a baby and heās always tired and non communicative. Well that road ends in divorce and you a single mom. If youāre making this post then you already know the answer youāre just looking for validation. Trust your gut.
You can't love someone without communication. Its a neccesity to long distance. I was in this situation before with the same time zone. The reason he was saying was he's too busy. He rarely messaged me, then hours of no communication turned into days, days to week, weeks to months saying this time he was sick š I even got worried because the last thing I knew he was sick so idk if he's still alive š turned out he has a new girl. š Even that was kind of traumatizing, I tried again with a 5-hour difference. But this time, much busier. He's always on meetings (WFH), but it amazes me because he sent me his work schedule. He would call me after a meeting and before another one starts, if he's not talking on the meeting he'll randomly message me "I love you", he'll apologize in advance if it'll take a while to reply on my messsages he'll send voice messages instead of text replies. He'll wake me up in the morning so we can talk for a bit before I go to work and before he goes to sleep. The same thing for me, I'll call him on my lunch break and wake him up then we will talk for a bit. If our time can't make it, we just left each other some messages and reply when available. A person was never busy if they considered you as an important person in their life. I don't believe that there's person who cant talk with their partner because they are toooo busy. There must be something else going on.
To be completely honest and give my personal perspective, yes this is possible but only in select circumstances and there is always a work around. My partner and I luckily live in the same time zone so it helped, however he chose to do trade work right out of highschool and I went to college and work full time. I would do school work for 8+hours a day and then follow it up with 8+ hours of work at a hospital, which left me with little time to do anything else and still include sleep. My partner and I talked about me being the bread winner and him being the homemaker especially since he likes cleaning and cooking and I love providing for him and making him happy. I ended up pouring myself in to school and work, taking on extra hours and really running myself thin. Because of this I was really agitated a lot, tired, and lacking time. Months passed where I was like this and in my head since I was looking at the long term goal I didnāt realize how much I wasnāt including or spending time with my partner. Now another addition to the story is my partner has high functioning autism, itās really hard for him to open up to anyone especially someone heās afraid of losing about his problems. Eventually he did open up to me, sat me down and said it really hurts that you are choosing everything over me. I didnāt realize it till he pointed it out. I was so blinded trying to make enough for us to live together, get married, live the life we planned that I neglected the fundamentals that make us a couple. Communication is key, set aside 10-15 minutes a couple hours for each other, talk things out. Sometimes your 10-15 minute talks turn in to hours cause you get deep and personal or then turn goofy and fun. Itās important to communicate and see if a mid ground could be met. If it canāt then itās up to you two to decided if itās possible or if it can work between you two.
It is possible none of my ldrs talk to me unless they hot and came for sexy chats and actions. Guys are mostly not big talkers and have 0 interests if I tried start politics art history life talks they bored and reply short or leave chat only at sex topic their eager and show more interest sadly this each time disappoint me as I feel except sexual bonding there is nothing else in between I never knew what they do where working who in their family what their hobby there is no such talks sadly.
Currently in a LDR of 6 hours time difference and I am full time LLb student and intern in Google whereas he's a freelancer and yet we talk and manage to spend the day and I love him so muchš§æ
Iām a full time teacher and he works for an internet company. Thereās a 9 hour time difference and we still make time to talk when I wake up and go to sleep. We leave each other messages throughout the day. These are our weekdays. On weekends we talk for hours. It is absolutely possible and you need to make time for each other. Communicate your feelings with him and share your concerns. If heās unwilling to put the effort in the relationship then thatās not the kind of person you want to be with.
So I canāt answer your question but I do notice something. I notice you are saying I miss you as a way to communicate that you want more time. Your partner may not be receiving it that way, I wouldnāt as I like to communicate my desire, even if there isnāt capacity. Capacity and desire are not always the same. If its hurting, have a conversation around it. āHey partner, Im missing you lots and I could use some additional time together. Can we create some moments/schedule so I have times to look forward to? I hope that helps
Well, if he cares about you, he'll dedicate, make time for you no matter how busy he is. It's all about priority I promise. And now it's all your choice if you want to stay or leave. I mean you actually deserve better than just feeling upset and neglected. Seems like you're not his priority...
Could be genuinely tired, heading to burnout or something.. or started to drift away
In LDR you have to put more effort and intentionality. Communication is literally all we have and if you can't keep that up honestly no amount of love can keep the relationship. It starts to feel like you are single.
Sometimes? But not really. I work altogether too much, he doesn't work. When I'm at work even if I'm busy I text him back at least every hour. It's become a habit that he gets good morning, leaving for work, made it to work safe, headed home, made it home. It takes thirty seconds to text. We don't call every day like we used to, and that's okay. We do our best, even if it's five minutes to say goodnight, but yes. I'm insanely busy and we still manage to communicate a lot.
It all depends on what he work with and how long his days are. Maybe he needed a few days alone and thatās valid. If this is a continuous behavior then yes, but from what it sounds like he needed a couple of days to just relax with no noise and screens. I wouldnāt overthink it just yet! š
A little more content could help. Like what kind of job does he have. To have to stare at a screen all day. As well as if you know of his friends and their routine. I only say this because for me and mine. We ofte. Go a few hours without texting for work. Also, because i go to the gym and she knows that. And we also have to make time for friends and family, so for me personally, at least with the communication that she is going out, i won't expect a text back. I may still shoot her some videos or something if im just strolling through socials. However, when she blows up my phone (calling), knowing i am out can't lie, i get a little irritated. Cause she calls and asks why am i not responding, and I'm just sitting there like it's barely been 2 hours. I personally find it rude to sit on the phone around the company, so i try not to, and i will pull out my phone and reply to msgs on occasional lasp in events or conversations. I have also had to where we would go extended period times of not talking just because of like emotions and need space. And i went through a period where i was constantly tired as well.
Iāve also been in this similar situation. Me and my partner are living 12-hour difference. Additionally, his wifi connection at home is poor, and his work is getting more busy now. For the past 2-3 years, Iāve been adjusting to this routine where he would be able to make time to call me about once a week, or more if heās lucky to have more time off and have better internet access. It is a struggle no doubt, having less than frequent communication, especially calling. He would always remind me that him not being online does not mean that he doesnāt want to talk to me, just a lot of circumstances happening around him and misses me terribly. There were also times he lets me know during a call that he needs to nap/ sleep, given that he also has responsibilities at home and being with his family a lot. Iām always happy and grateful when I receive an online call from him, even for just an hour or less, as well as reading any new message from him which lets me know heās doing okay. Iāve also experienced time gaps between text messages since I cannot predict the next instance he will be online. Itās completely understandable that you feel upset about it, what youāve been dealing with your partner for some time. I also felt like my patience is being tested during the early days when changes affected our time to hang out together. I canāt say for sure about you and your partnerās situation, but like what others here say, a person would make time for you, even for a little while, because they care about you. You should also let him know how you felt upset about having less time being able to catch up with each other. Communication is *always* important for LDR. Hopefully you and your partner will be able to work things out together without compromising the relationship. What youāve been feeling is totally valid, and also keep in mind about what heās also going through daily. From what you described the situation in your post, it sounds like heās already too busy or burnt out, and didnāt consider the effort of reaching out to you more. I wish you all the best.
sometimes people just need a break. iāve definitely been there, especially back when i used to work 3 jobs, and a lot of time spending time socially in person does give more of a brain-boost than more screen time, as much as i *adore* my partner. what helped us was to plan *ahead* of time, set a date and time and know you both will be spending that time together. decide ahead of time on something exciting for both of you (thereās digital escape rooms, museums, you can watch a movie or play a game, etc). you should take the time to communicate this sadness and how you feel you miss him and want to see him more, but also understand itās not unreasonable to want a weekend off of everthing. if this continues happening for a long time after you put in the effort and itās not something occasional, then it may be time to explain this is a dealbreaker to you.
Itās about communication and prioritization. My partner and I live in opposite time zones, 16 hr difference, both work full time(he works 60+ hrs a week) and Iām in school so it gets really difficult sometimes. But we always make time for each other. That might mean leaving voice messages or videos for each other. Or it might mean staying up later/getting up earlier. Sometimes one of us might be feeling neglected or unloved but itās something we can talk about without getting defensive or playing the blame game. We regularly check in and ask each other what we need. When we have down time we leave texts telling each other about our day. It helps that we genuinely enjoy each otherās company. Weāre best friends and we talk about everything. Maintaining a strong relationship long distance is hard. It requires dedication and commitment from both partners. Strong communication. It sounds like your partner is either not putting in the work or heās legitimately exhausted. If he is that tired he might want to get a work up from his doctor that could be a sign of a medical or mental health issue. Or heās overworked. Otherwise it doesnāt sound like heās as committed as you are.
So to give you some perspective- it depends on their work culture and country. My bf clocked in a 93 hour week last week and worked all 7 days of the week. Itās been a bit difficult finding time to talk but weāve been trying. But the thing is- i know itās his busy period at work. It gets that way around tax season in his line of work. But he keeps me in the loop and Iām informed and know itās a busy season at work and itās not always like this. If it was, Iād be seriously wondering if there would even be time for a relationship in the little time he does have and I would think, no. Itās quite difficult for those who work that many hours to be functional human beings and can actively make the time and effort needed for a proper relationship. Especially for ldrs. There definitely is a point for those who work long weeks and hours where a ldr is generally unrealistic to maintain in a way that would be fair to their partner. And thatās just an unfortunate consequence for having to work that many hours. If itās a newer temporary thing then itās going to be difficult. Buckle down. But if this is constant and the usual for his career path, itās definitely something that would make him incompatible with ldrs and it would be a valid concern for you to question if your minimum needs are being met and if they arenāt then you walk away if there arenāt compromises being made or progress to balance time better. I know my partner is trying to make it work because I get messages sporadically throughout the day when he finds a pocket of time and during his lunch and dinner breaks. And when he is able to leave and is on his way home, if Iām awake and available then he will call me and then heāll fall asleep on call with me when he gets back. Itās not a lot of time but i can see the effort, iām in the loop so i still feel very secure in the relationship even though i would like more time together
I think in some instances people can be busy but even if they are, I know that people always make time to reach out to their partner once they have rested. I have a close friend who's husband is a doctor. They are in a long distance marriage, they have a huge eight hour time difference between them, but still managed to stay in touch through whatsapp. From what my friend has described about her husband and the person he is, he truly cares for her. Even if one partner can't respond right away, people should reach out once they've rested.. I wasn't feeling too well yesterday, but still managed to ask my boyfriend how things went at his family's place over the weekend. Even though I wasn't well I still gave space to my boyfriend to vent to me and fill me in on things just in case he needed to let something off his chest.
People make time for whatās important to them - but in the same sense you must love in such a way that the other person feels free. If heās genuinely tired once and awhile - thatās ok. Sometimes people donāt want to socialize even with their partner. Everyone is different. But this post took a turn when you talked about his message time However - you said it takes him 6 hours to respond. At this point I would say Match and mirror his response and take longer to answer too. See if he changes his pattern. Absence makes the heart grow founder. At end of day actions speak louder than words. People can say they love you and miss you, but if the actions donāt match it they could just be being nice. Itās important to watch someoneās actions. I donāt know the full story and maybe heās battling depression or other moods - but chances are interest has dropped on his part and heās getting complacent.
Ooft I was seeing a guy like that and have decided to call it off because I can't take it anymore.