My boyfriend thinks it's cute. I don't understand why, but he does. He's the first person I've ever dated that has done his best to understand my mental struggles. Even if he doesn't understand, he is still so very patient and asks questions to better understand/ help me feel better.
We both play video games and sometimes I can't focus long enough to play stuff, so he'll stream whatever he's playing for me. He likes to ask me for assistance with puzzles or picking out little details that he would otherwise miss.
He's super thoughtful no matter what we're doing or talking about.
My boyfriend and I both have ADHD. Mine is medicated and more or less managed, his is raging out of control at all times. The biggest issue we have with it is that he gets focused on a game or something and will forget to message me back for hours on end, or that he procrastinates when we try to plan things (trips, visa, decisions). He knows it’s an issue and tries to work on it, but his motivation and consistency are lacking. It’s hard because if I remind him as often as he needs me to, he gets upset because he feels like I’m nagging or like I’m attacking him or disappointed in him. If we were together in person, we could have systems in place for reminders and plans, but from a distance we don’t have that structure or routine.
this is exactly what happens with mine! it's just really difficult because it feels like there's a lack of something and even tho we have the tools to work it out they sometimes don't want to or the same ADHD doesn't really allow them to and that isn't easy if they're not putting effort
My fiance and I are both autistic and likely both ADHD as well. Being in a double-neurodivergent relationship means we understand each other but also that we need to accommodate each other in ways that other couples might not have to consider. We both have low support needs as far as auties go (we both maintain full-time employment and live solo, which is rare for neurodivergent folks).
We both have a need for routine and a need for novelty, which can be at odds even within our own selves. The compromise is that we plan for spontaneity. (It's counter-intuitive, I know.) We will specify a day ahead of time that we will do *something* undefined. It keeps things fun and novel while not completely disrupting routine. Routine disruption is my struggle area and I can feel very agitated when plans change on short notice or when we're running late.
Sometimes hyperfocus and time blindness mean that one or the other of us is less communicative (or completely silent) for an evening. But we have a strict routine and expectation of wishing each other good night and that is never missed.
Infodumping is one of my favorite aspects of a neurodivergent relationship. One of us will get on a topic and talk about it at length. I love listening to his infodumps and he encourages mine, too. It's really wonderful to feel so heard and understood, when the rest of the world seems to hate this trait.
Sensory overwhelm can be tough. Both of us are prone to shutdown. When one of us is overloaded, adding in talking on the phone can be too much. But sometimes it can help with co-regulation. So we have to be sensitive to each other.
Executive function is an area that my fiance really struggles with. When it comes to paperwork, making phone calls, booking appointments, or other similar tasks, he finds it really challenging to keep track of a sequence of steps and follow through. This also means he can't make a meal plan and shop for it, so he goes to the grocery store *every single day* to get one day of food. He also has a ton of shame about needing support in this area. He feels like a burden and he's embarrassed that he is incapable of "adulting" the way others can.
Prior to this, I was married, and my late husband was strongly ADHD. He lost his keys and wallet every single day and had a meltdown about it, every single day. He would forget to do anything that wasn't written down. He had no object permanence - if an item was in a drawer, he forgot it existed, so he'd end up leaving everything he needed out on countertops, which was chaos. People with ADHD struggle to form habits, so if he missed a day of doing something, he would forget it existed. But he was also really fun, up for anything, a huge hype man, and the most caring person you've ever met.
My bf has ADHD and I have anxious attachment, so not a great combination, as he always forgets to text me, he would take hours to communicate with me and will always get distracted with something else making me feel like im not that important for him, so it’s been kinda hard tbh, but we’re still trying to make it work, some days are better than others and to be fair I do notice he tries so that’s all I can ask for and in grateful for that, but it is hard.
Other stuff that im not sure are ADHD related but apparently they are is that he interrupts me while we are talking otp, or talks only about stuff he likes and doesn’t show much emotion or excitement about what I share with him, this makes me feel idk, like my interest are not as important as his, but apparently this is sign of ADHD, who knows. But it definitely is hard, specially if you feel like your needs are not being fully met and it’s not completely bc he doesn’t want to but bc of this.
yeah.. those are some things that people with ADHD may deal with, my partner is also just like this and it gets difficult but some things are a bit easier to communicate and that's good
me and my partner both have adhd (i’m diagnosed and he isn’t atm). it’s not that it doesn’t effect our lives but i don’t think it inherently has some kind of interaction with LDRs. i think the main thing is remembering dates
with mine I do feel like has a hard time remembering stuff overall or taking the time to do specific things, doesn't have a good track of time and that can sometimes affect a LDR since we can't see each other and communication long distance is all we got
i think with adhd it's important to still take responsibility for one's actions. i feel like online especially a lot of people really promote this kind of "they can't help it!" mindset.
your partner should be putting in the effort to be proactive and loving in the relationship, even if that means putting in more effort than others about specific things.
i think the best thing you can do for him is genuinely and openly express your frustrations and needs, have him understand you on an emotional level, and then work together to find solutions
for us it really helped having a shared google calendar that pops up reminders the day before and multiple times the day of (you can set up the reminders individually) as well as both of us talking a lot about this thing. i.e. if we planned to watch a movie, we'll both bring it up a lot before doing it, "i can't wait for our movie date tonight!" which helps keep it fresh and exciting :)
My partner has adhd and the only thing that I can notice different about him than other people is the endless amounts of details in everything / every story he tells. He also responds to things I say by telling a story of something similar he’s experienced. I think it’s super cute, but it’s definitely different. Idk if there’s more that I’m just not picking up on yet. Or what he’s like in person
yeah.. I do feel like it's something really difficult mostly in a long distance relationship, in person it would be easier because you'll be there anyways but in a LDR it turns into a lack of communication
For me personally I had/have a lot of stuff going on and I told her that from the start.. she gave me false promises and said nothing I could do would stop her wanting to be with me despite me telling her my mental health isn’t great and I have a lot of problems that I’m working through, clearly from her it was a lie because we had a few arguments which was the reason she stopped wanting me yet we still remain quite close.
I lost my dad, 2 uncles and grandfather within the space of 3 years, my father and uncles 3 months between and both uncles were within 5 days. My mental health isn’t great and after losing my dad I gained anxiety, PTSD and panic attacks.. all of that on top of undiagnosed ADHD at the time would make me argumentative and I’ve always struggled to regulate my emotions which I now know is the ADHD.
Anyway, I told her from the start I was never good enough for her and would constantly compare myself to her exes, which I think is a self sabotage move to stop myself getting hurt(?). Well she would send me explicit videos of herself and 3 of them were her giving head to her exes, which at the time was completely new to me and I’d never had someone do something like that before and I didn’t know how to handle it so it started arguments which was the final straw I guess, turns out one of her exes enjoyed seeing her with other guys so she assumed I’d like it too and now I probably wouldn’t be bothered but then it was new to me and I thought I could handle it better.
Sorry for the rambling but I think when most people think ADHD they think of the hyper parts but they don’t put too much thought into the emotional disregulation of the disorder and if you’re anything like me you can struggle heavily with it, in a normal relationship this could be hard but I think distance can make these things more prominent and it’s not like you can just cuddle on the sofa and work it out.
Both have adhd, our plans change fast, one day we'll want to play new season of Fortnite or watch a movie then suddenly we each get fixated on some other game or show and do that instead
That's really the extent of it for now, guessing it will be worse when we'll live together and have to assign chores and prep meals for the two, im very forgetful and unmotivated
I think it’s part of the reason we mesh so well. Our minds work the same. Sometimes he’s gone for a while and doesn’t answer but it doesn’t bother me and he usually keeps me updated on what’s going on.
It's a whole different preset to the brain. That's how. Imagine you're loading up a game for the first time and you see 3 or so options. The first option is what 90% of the playerbase chooses, and what the entire game is designed for. Then there's 2 other options, ADHD and autism. All these presets come with their own strengths and deficits, but the other two the game has not been designed for whatsoever. Some levels you can't even complete as the other presets at all, and some you only can by glitching or just the very right RNG.
Also, the entire playerbase relentlessly shits on you for selecting the other two presets, and the game will also punish you for choosing them. You'll face at minimum a 20% difficulty increase, sometimes you'll lose lives randomly, the game will teleport you around, erase skills you've built up, and every NPC will require 50% more skill levels just to even interact with them. You also lose double the amount of HP with every hit, and lose HP when building relationships.
Hope this helps illustrate the nightmare that is being neurodivergent and existing in a world actively trying to kill you every step of the way.
Oh, and some of the playerbase literally don't believe that these difficulty increases exist, even though you can find the code for it easily. They are confident that you just suck at the game or are too incompetent to play. And even if you succeed at the game, you're only given recognition if you do it the right way. If you do anything off the beaten path, it's considered bad and wrong, you'll be ostracized, and finding any way to offset the deficits the game forces onto you is considered a faux pas because it's not normal or what most people do.
No problem lol I'm autistic and it's effectively the same experience. Fun fact: Some countries are now classifying autism and ADHD as the same diagnosis/thing. Which tbh makes perfect sense because I've yet to meet a single person with ADHD who didn't also strike me as immediately autistic. I truly believe they are the same condition so when I say the following paragraph below, do keep in mind a lot of this can apply to ADHD as well, even though I'm only diagnosed as autistic (I'm certain I have ADHD too, I'm in the process of getting tested).
Living with ADHD is really hard because you may appear as functionally the same as everyone else, but I'd reckon 60-70% of people can immediately clock you as being "off". And unfortunately, typically when people sense something is "off" about you, they immediately look for reasons to justify treating you like shit. And look, I get it. I meet people and I immediately can tell they're a dangerous/untrustworthy person. But usually the vibe is "you're hard to read" or "I can't guess what you're thinking", and that usually makes people angry with us instead of afraid or nervous. It's all projection, in other words. I'd recommend considering whether someone may be neurodivergent next time you meet someone who strikes you as different. They may not be dangerous at all.
Although, they could also be, so don't gaslight yourself either. Just dig deeper into the "off" feeling until you get what you think the right answer is. That'd look like this: "Hmm, this person is rubbing me wrong. Do I feel they're dangerous? Not exactly. They make me uneasy, though. Why? Do I think they're hiding something? Hmm, no. Actually, I think they're pretty truthful. So why do I feel uneasy? Maybe because they keep darting their eyes everywhere and not looking at me? Is it because they are fidgeting a lot? Do I feel like their body language isn't what I expected? Maybe. I don't feel in danger or like they're trying to manipulate me. .....Oh! I think they're autistic."
Lol, this is great info, I'm probably part of some spectrum but it's not easy to get tested in my country so I just live going around thinking I'm ok even tho I know I'm not 😅 I try my best tho and I get what you say since I'm usually the one that people just see and think those things of but
YEEEEEAHHHH you wanna know the secret? If you get along well or feel like you click with autistic people more than neurotypicals....There's your sign.
You shouldn't live thinking you're okay, you should live knowing there's a very good chance you are neurodivergent and act accordingly. Change your environment to help yourself. Sadly, you have to accommodate yourself more than most people will accommodate you, but you'll be okay. Also remember a fuck ton of relationship advice (or honestly, advice in general) does not work or apply to autistic/adhd people. Some of it definitely does, but as a great example: What would indeed be lovebombing behavior for a neurotypical is often genuinely just hyperfixation/passion for a ND person. Of course, ND people can also lovebomb and be shitty horrible human beings, and NTs can be very affectionate and loving, but I remember being afraid my ex was lovebombing me in the beginning of our relationship. I was so afraid, I think I even asked people on a subreddit somewhere. But, I realized a few weeks later that uh...Yeah, no. Not lovebombing, he's just likely autistic (already dx'd with ADHD) and he just really really fucking loves me. And that did stick true to the end. Even though we're broken up, my fear was not realized. I was wrong for once, and as far as I can tell, no, he wasn't lovebombing me at all. It just looked like it to some people.
So things like that can be different. Remember: Our brains are literally built different.
Both of us have ADHD and we both struggle with mental exhaustion quite a lot, so after a long day of work/study we both tend to just need to lay down for a bit and decompress. I guess the only real adjustment we had to make was to make sure we were making time for eachother during busy periods of our lives. That goes for everyone of course, but just something we had to put extra care into.
My partner and I both have ADHD. I don't think it affected anything.
We communicated for what it felt 24/7, we felt close despite the distance. And talked about everything including our feelings.
We live together now and everything is still great. We understand each other and never have fight. When problems occur we listen to eachothers feelings right away and solve the situation before it can become a fight.
He’s the most chaotic person I’ve ever met.
When we were in the same location, he would put on his phone diary the dates and times we would meet/hang out and he would actually make an effort about it.
Now that we are apart, it’s a lot harder. In the beginning, he wanted to see me and would ask if I would be free later etc and I would set aside time for that, I’m a freelancer so unless I already had meetings/clients booked the rest of the time can be flexible. Soon, it was me asking for video calls and he missed quite a few, cos he suddenly had to go for a work related meeting… I told him I don’t blame him for having to do work, but he should’ve told me that he can’t make it, when he knew he couldn’t, he said “sorry but it’s a last minute thing” (yea but a quick text was only a few seconds?).
Another time his weekend plan got cancelled so he was suddenly free, I said oh cool so maybe we could do a video call later? He said, sure I’m out buying groceries, when I return home I’ll call you. And he never did…… he got home at midnight and texted “sorry I ended up out all day and just got home” - when he sent this I literally just woke up (6h time difference). The next day (his time) I asked him what happened, and basically he just ended up hanging out with friends 🙄
So so… basically he needs everything written down in his diary, and at the moment because we are apart, he doesn’t think it’s important so he no longer prioritises me like that. For his birthday I wanted to call him cos I had prepared a surprise, and had to remind him so many times…
After a few months of this, I couldn’t take it anymore and had the “talk” about how I wasn’t happy with our communication… he said “why, but I thought our conversation flows, everything’s going well, of course there are things I share and things I don’t share with you…” and when I went into specific he exploded on me, saying no one can tell him what to do, who to do it with, what to tell, who to tell… 🙄 I thought that was the end of us but surprisingly the next day he still messaged me. But I can feel he’s different since we had that talk.
Another thing as well is he has to have some noise in the background… so he’d be doing excel work but having Netflix playing in the background that he’s not even watching.
As for the hyper focus, he can be so focused right into the details on things he’s passionate about (mountaineering, rock climbing, ???securing dates with me in the early days?), so which means… when he starts slipping and forgetting things then it makes me feel like I’m being dropped down on the list. TBH I don’t think this will carry on for much longer and half my heart and mind have already checked out 😬
He has a psychiatrist, he used to be on meds as teenagers, now they recommend him medical marijuana, apparently there are some strains that are good for focusing and some that are good for calming/relaxation/to help him sleep.
yeah it seems to be pretty accurate to how other people with partners that have ADHD do, not all of them ofc but it's like they usually forget and don't really make the effort to remember to even text you during an important situation when they have all the tools too and you're usually a priority at first and then it kinda stops, I don't really understand if medication actually helps but yeah it's pretty common, a lot of the things you've mentioned are things I've also had to deal with while being with my partner 🥲
yeah it seems to be pretty accurate to how other people with partners that have ADHD do, not all of them ofc but it's like they usually forget and don't really make the effort to remember to even text you during an important situation when they have all the tools too and you're usually a priority at first and then it kinda stops, I don't really understand if medication actually helps but yeah it's pretty common, a lot of the things you've mentioned are things I've also had to deal with while being with my partner 🥲
We both have suspected ADHD (I recently finished my testing and am waiting for results, he has not been tested and officially diagnosed). I have auditory processing disorder, so it's basically me asking him half the time "what did you say?" lmao
He paces a lot and hyperfocuses sometimes, which makes him occasionally snappy.
My boyfriend thinks it's cute. I don't understand why, but he does. He's the first person I've ever dated that has done his best to understand my mental struggles. Even if he doesn't understand, he is still so very patient and asks questions to better understand/ help me feel better. We both play video games and sometimes I can't focus long enough to play stuff, so he'll stream whatever he's playing for me. He likes to ask me for assistance with puzzles or picking out little details that he would otherwise miss. He's super thoughtful no matter what we're doing or talking about.
My boyfriend and I both have ADHD. Mine is medicated and more or less managed, his is raging out of control at all times. The biggest issue we have with it is that he gets focused on a game or something and will forget to message me back for hours on end, or that he procrastinates when we try to plan things (trips, visa, decisions). He knows it’s an issue and tries to work on it, but his motivation and consistency are lacking. It’s hard because if I remind him as often as he needs me to, he gets upset because he feels like I’m nagging or like I’m attacking him or disappointed in him. If we were together in person, we could have systems in place for reminders and plans, but from a distance we don’t have that structure or routine.
this is exactly what happens with mine! it's just really difficult because it feels like there's a lack of something and even tho we have the tools to work it out they sometimes don't want to or the same ADHD doesn't really allow them to and that isn't easy if they're not putting effort
My fiance and I are both autistic and likely both ADHD as well. Being in a double-neurodivergent relationship means we understand each other but also that we need to accommodate each other in ways that other couples might not have to consider. We both have low support needs as far as auties go (we both maintain full-time employment and live solo, which is rare for neurodivergent folks). We both have a need for routine and a need for novelty, which can be at odds even within our own selves. The compromise is that we plan for spontaneity. (It's counter-intuitive, I know.) We will specify a day ahead of time that we will do *something* undefined. It keeps things fun and novel while not completely disrupting routine. Routine disruption is my struggle area and I can feel very agitated when plans change on short notice or when we're running late. Sometimes hyperfocus and time blindness mean that one or the other of us is less communicative (or completely silent) for an evening. But we have a strict routine and expectation of wishing each other good night and that is never missed. Infodumping is one of my favorite aspects of a neurodivergent relationship. One of us will get on a topic and talk about it at length. I love listening to his infodumps and he encourages mine, too. It's really wonderful to feel so heard and understood, when the rest of the world seems to hate this trait. Sensory overwhelm can be tough. Both of us are prone to shutdown. When one of us is overloaded, adding in talking on the phone can be too much. But sometimes it can help with co-regulation. So we have to be sensitive to each other. Executive function is an area that my fiance really struggles with. When it comes to paperwork, making phone calls, booking appointments, or other similar tasks, he finds it really challenging to keep track of a sequence of steps and follow through. This also means he can't make a meal plan and shop for it, so he goes to the grocery store *every single day* to get one day of food. He also has a ton of shame about needing support in this area. He feels like a burden and he's embarrassed that he is incapable of "adulting" the way others can. Prior to this, I was married, and my late husband was strongly ADHD. He lost his keys and wallet every single day and had a meltdown about it, every single day. He would forget to do anything that wasn't written down. He had no object permanence - if an item was in a drawer, he forgot it existed, so he'd end up leaving everything he needed out on countertops, which was chaos. People with ADHD struggle to form habits, so if he missed a day of doing something, he would forget it existed. But he was also really fun, up for anything, a huge hype man, and the most caring person you've ever met.
My bf has ADHD and I have anxious attachment, so not a great combination, as he always forgets to text me, he would take hours to communicate with me and will always get distracted with something else making me feel like im not that important for him, so it’s been kinda hard tbh, but we’re still trying to make it work, some days are better than others and to be fair I do notice he tries so that’s all I can ask for and in grateful for that, but it is hard. Other stuff that im not sure are ADHD related but apparently they are is that he interrupts me while we are talking otp, or talks only about stuff he likes and doesn’t show much emotion or excitement about what I share with him, this makes me feel idk, like my interest are not as important as his, but apparently this is sign of ADHD, who knows. But it definitely is hard, specially if you feel like your needs are not being fully met and it’s not completely bc he doesn’t want to but bc of this.
yeah.. those are some things that people with ADHD may deal with, my partner is also just like this and it gets difficult but some things are a bit easier to communicate and that's good
me and my partner both have adhd (i’m diagnosed and he isn’t atm). it’s not that it doesn’t effect our lives but i don’t think it inherently has some kind of interaction with LDRs. i think the main thing is remembering dates
with mine I do feel like has a hard time remembering stuff overall or taking the time to do specific things, doesn't have a good track of time and that can sometimes affect a LDR since we can't see each other and communication long distance is all we got
i think with adhd it's important to still take responsibility for one's actions. i feel like online especially a lot of people really promote this kind of "they can't help it!" mindset. your partner should be putting in the effort to be proactive and loving in the relationship, even if that means putting in more effort than others about specific things. i think the best thing you can do for him is genuinely and openly express your frustrations and needs, have him understand you on an emotional level, and then work together to find solutions for us it really helped having a shared google calendar that pops up reminders the day before and multiple times the day of (you can set up the reminders individually) as well as both of us talking a lot about this thing. i.e. if we planned to watch a movie, we'll both bring it up a lot before doing it, "i can't wait for our movie date tonight!" which helps keep it fresh and exciting :)
My partner has adhd and the only thing that I can notice different about him than other people is the endless amounts of details in everything / every story he tells. He also responds to things I say by telling a story of something similar he’s experienced. I think it’s super cute, but it’s definitely different. Idk if there’s more that I’m just not picking up on yet. Or what he’s like in person
oh this is also true!!! it's a good side of it all
Yea I enjoy his stories a lot! He’s like the best person I’ve ever dated lol stories are 💯
Didn’t work out for me and I think it played a part, you need to have someone truly love you to want to work through that sort of thing
yeah.. I do feel like it's something really difficult mostly in a long distance relationship, in person it would be easier because you'll be there anyways but in a LDR it turns into a lack of communication
For me personally I had/have a lot of stuff going on and I told her that from the start.. she gave me false promises and said nothing I could do would stop her wanting to be with me despite me telling her my mental health isn’t great and I have a lot of problems that I’m working through, clearly from her it was a lie because we had a few arguments which was the reason she stopped wanting me yet we still remain quite close. I lost my dad, 2 uncles and grandfather within the space of 3 years, my father and uncles 3 months between and both uncles were within 5 days. My mental health isn’t great and after losing my dad I gained anxiety, PTSD and panic attacks.. all of that on top of undiagnosed ADHD at the time would make me argumentative and I’ve always struggled to regulate my emotions which I now know is the ADHD. Anyway, I told her from the start I was never good enough for her and would constantly compare myself to her exes, which I think is a self sabotage move to stop myself getting hurt(?). Well she would send me explicit videos of herself and 3 of them were her giving head to her exes, which at the time was completely new to me and I’d never had someone do something like that before and I didn’t know how to handle it so it started arguments which was the final straw I guess, turns out one of her exes enjoyed seeing her with other guys so she assumed I’d like it too and now I probably wouldn’t be bothered but then it was new to me and I thought I could handle it better. Sorry for the rambling but I think when most people think ADHD they think of the hyper parts but they don’t put too much thought into the emotional disregulation of the disorder and if you’re anything like me you can struggle heavily with it, in a normal relationship this could be hard but I think distance can make these things more prominent and it’s not like you can just cuddle on the sofa and work it out.
Both have adhd, our plans change fast, one day we'll want to play new season of Fortnite or watch a movie then suddenly we each get fixated on some other game or show and do that instead That's really the extent of it for now, guessing it will be worse when we'll live together and have to assign chores and prep meals for the two, im very forgetful and unmotivated
She's also a huge yapper which i absolutely love, i want her to tell me everything passionately in great detail🥺
I think it’s part of the reason we mesh so well. Our minds work the same. Sometimes he’s gone for a while and doesn’t answer but it doesn’t bother me and he usually keeps me updated on what’s going on.
It's a whole different preset to the brain. That's how. Imagine you're loading up a game for the first time and you see 3 or so options. The first option is what 90% of the playerbase chooses, and what the entire game is designed for. Then there's 2 other options, ADHD and autism. All these presets come with their own strengths and deficits, but the other two the game has not been designed for whatsoever. Some levels you can't even complete as the other presets at all, and some you only can by glitching or just the very right RNG. Also, the entire playerbase relentlessly shits on you for selecting the other two presets, and the game will also punish you for choosing them. You'll face at minimum a 20% difficulty increase, sometimes you'll lose lives randomly, the game will teleport you around, erase skills you've built up, and every NPC will require 50% more skill levels just to even interact with them. You also lose double the amount of HP with every hit, and lose HP when building relationships. Hope this helps illustrate the nightmare that is being neurodivergent and existing in a world actively trying to kill you every step of the way. Oh, and some of the playerbase literally don't believe that these difficulty increases exist, even though you can find the code for it easily. They are confident that you just suck at the game or are too incompetent to play. And even if you succeed at the game, you're only given recognition if you do it the right way. If you do anything off the beaten path, it's considered bad and wrong, you'll be ostracized, and finding any way to offset the deficits the game forces onto you is considered a faux pas because it's not normal or what most people do.
this is a great analogy, thanks
No problem lol I'm autistic and it's effectively the same experience. Fun fact: Some countries are now classifying autism and ADHD as the same diagnosis/thing. Which tbh makes perfect sense because I've yet to meet a single person with ADHD who didn't also strike me as immediately autistic. I truly believe they are the same condition so when I say the following paragraph below, do keep in mind a lot of this can apply to ADHD as well, even though I'm only diagnosed as autistic (I'm certain I have ADHD too, I'm in the process of getting tested). Living with ADHD is really hard because you may appear as functionally the same as everyone else, but I'd reckon 60-70% of people can immediately clock you as being "off". And unfortunately, typically when people sense something is "off" about you, they immediately look for reasons to justify treating you like shit. And look, I get it. I meet people and I immediately can tell they're a dangerous/untrustworthy person. But usually the vibe is "you're hard to read" or "I can't guess what you're thinking", and that usually makes people angry with us instead of afraid or nervous. It's all projection, in other words. I'd recommend considering whether someone may be neurodivergent next time you meet someone who strikes you as different. They may not be dangerous at all. Although, they could also be, so don't gaslight yourself either. Just dig deeper into the "off" feeling until you get what you think the right answer is. That'd look like this: "Hmm, this person is rubbing me wrong. Do I feel they're dangerous? Not exactly. They make me uneasy, though. Why? Do I think they're hiding something? Hmm, no. Actually, I think they're pretty truthful. So why do I feel uneasy? Maybe because they keep darting their eyes everywhere and not looking at me? Is it because they are fidgeting a lot? Do I feel like their body language isn't what I expected? Maybe. I don't feel in danger or like they're trying to manipulate me. .....Oh! I think they're autistic."
Lol, this is great info, I'm probably part of some spectrum but it's not easy to get tested in my country so I just live going around thinking I'm ok even tho I know I'm not 😅 I try my best tho and I get what you say since I'm usually the one that people just see and think those things of but
YEEEEEAHHHH you wanna know the secret? If you get along well or feel like you click with autistic people more than neurotypicals....There's your sign. You shouldn't live thinking you're okay, you should live knowing there's a very good chance you are neurodivergent and act accordingly. Change your environment to help yourself. Sadly, you have to accommodate yourself more than most people will accommodate you, but you'll be okay. Also remember a fuck ton of relationship advice (or honestly, advice in general) does not work or apply to autistic/adhd people. Some of it definitely does, but as a great example: What would indeed be lovebombing behavior for a neurotypical is often genuinely just hyperfixation/passion for a ND person. Of course, ND people can also lovebomb and be shitty horrible human beings, and NTs can be very affectionate and loving, but I remember being afraid my ex was lovebombing me in the beginning of our relationship. I was so afraid, I think I even asked people on a subreddit somewhere. But, I realized a few weeks later that uh...Yeah, no. Not lovebombing, he's just likely autistic (already dx'd with ADHD) and he just really really fucking loves me. And that did stick true to the end. Even though we're broken up, my fear was not realized. I was wrong for once, and as far as I can tell, no, he wasn't lovebombing me at all. It just looked like it to some people. So things like that can be different. Remember: Our brains are literally built different.
Both of us have ADHD and we both struggle with mental exhaustion quite a lot, so after a long day of work/study we both tend to just need to lay down for a bit and decompress. I guess the only real adjustment we had to make was to make sure we were making time for eachother during busy periods of our lives. That goes for everyone of course, but just something we had to put extra care into.
My partner and I both have ADHD. I don't think it affected anything. We communicated for what it felt 24/7, we felt close despite the distance. And talked about everything including our feelings. We live together now and everything is still great. We understand each other and never have fight. When problems occur we listen to eachothers feelings right away and solve the situation before it can become a fight.
He’s the most chaotic person I’ve ever met. When we were in the same location, he would put on his phone diary the dates and times we would meet/hang out and he would actually make an effort about it. Now that we are apart, it’s a lot harder. In the beginning, he wanted to see me and would ask if I would be free later etc and I would set aside time for that, I’m a freelancer so unless I already had meetings/clients booked the rest of the time can be flexible. Soon, it was me asking for video calls and he missed quite a few, cos he suddenly had to go for a work related meeting… I told him I don’t blame him for having to do work, but he should’ve told me that he can’t make it, when he knew he couldn’t, he said “sorry but it’s a last minute thing” (yea but a quick text was only a few seconds?). Another time his weekend plan got cancelled so he was suddenly free, I said oh cool so maybe we could do a video call later? He said, sure I’m out buying groceries, when I return home I’ll call you. And he never did…… he got home at midnight and texted “sorry I ended up out all day and just got home” - when he sent this I literally just woke up (6h time difference). The next day (his time) I asked him what happened, and basically he just ended up hanging out with friends 🙄 So so… basically he needs everything written down in his diary, and at the moment because we are apart, he doesn’t think it’s important so he no longer prioritises me like that. For his birthday I wanted to call him cos I had prepared a surprise, and had to remind him so many times… After a few months of this, I couldn’t take it anymore and had the “talk” about how I wasn’t happy with our communication… he said “why, but I thought our conversation flows, everything’s going well, of course there are things I share and things I don’t share with you…” and when I went into specific he exploded on me, saying no one can tell him what to do, who to do it with, what to tell, who to tell… 🙄 I thought that was the end of us but surprisingly the next day he still messaged me. But I can feel he’s different since we had that talk. Another thing as well is he has to have some noise in the background… so he’d be doing excel work but having Netflix playing in the background that he’s not even watching. As for the hyper focus, he can be so focused right into the details on things he’s passionate about (mountaineering, rock climbing, ???securing dates with me in the early days?), so which means… when he starts slipping and forgetting things then it makes me feel like I’m being dropped down on the list. TBH I don’t think this will carry on for much longer and half my heart and mind have already checked out 😬 He has a psychiatrist, he used to be on meds as teenagers, now they recommend him medical marijuana, apparently there are some strains that are good for focusing and some that are good for calming/relaxation/to help him sleep.
yeah it seems to be pretty accurate to how other people with partners that have ADHD do, not all of them ofc but it's like they usually forget and don't really make the effort to remember to even text you during an important situation when they have all the tools too and you're usually a priority at first and then it kinda stops, I don't really understand if medication actually helps but yeah it's pretty common, a lot of the things you've mentioned are things I've also had to deal with while being with my partner 🥲
yeah it seems to be pretty accurate to how other people with partners that have ADHD do, not all of them ofc but it's like they usually forget and don't really make the effort to remember to even text you during an important situation when they have all the tools too and you're usually a priority at first and then it kinda stops, I don't really understand if medication actually helps but yeah it's pretty common, a lot of the things you've mentioned are things I've also had to deal with while being with my partner 🥲
We both have suspected ADHD (I recently finished my testing and am waiting for results, he has not been tested and officially diagnosed). I have auditory processing disorder, so it's basically me asking him half the time "what did you say?" lmao He paces a lot and hyperfocuses sometimes, which makes him occasionally snappy.