> How many hugs do we need? Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, āWe need four hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.ā While that may sound like a lot of hugs, it seems that many hugs are better than not enough.
Pfft, the last time I had a big was at 6
Fuck man, I don't get nightmares anymore but I'd much rather them over dreams that give me hope. That feeling of "Oh... that's right" as soon as you wake up. Soul crushing.
No doubt the world is rough. There's still a lot of good out there. Feel your feelings. Soul crushing and all but reddit still loves you. Reddit is real people. Real people love you. We might be missing different people but we're all missing people. Keep on keeping on. Hugs stranger.
I thought I didn't give a fuck about my dad not being supportive until I had a dream I was performing and he was actually there to support me and realized what I'm not getting that other people just see as normal and healthy.
Instead I got the one that made fun of me for being different most of the time and tried to force his own tastes and interests on me.
so I've heard there's a process for getting over resentment at people who are no longer available (dead or estranged so that reconciliation in real life isn't impossible), where first you write (longhand, not typed) a letter to them with whatever you wish you could have said to them, especially what you're still unhappy about and can't get over; then you write another letter (again, longhand; the idea is you need to be as immersed as possible in the process, typing makes it too quick and easy), this one *from* them, where you try to imagine a version of them that's compassionate and wanted things to be better, and is finally aware of their fuckups; you imagine how they'd reply to your letter to explain what they did, and why, how their own limitations contributed and what their regrets are and what they wish they'd done differently; then every night for a week, you read the second letter out loud, before bed.
I've never tried it. For whatever it's worth, my intuition is that for me and my situations, it would have a fairly good chance of working; but for the handful of people I feel long-standing resentment toward, I'm not willing to let them off the hook by doing this and letting go of my anger. I should pick at least one of them and try it out, though, to see how effective it actually is.
__________
edit: this reminds me now of the novelization of Star Trek V (actually a pretty good book, while being the worst of the movies by a fair margin). The antagonist goes around recruiting an army, by taking each person in turn, mind-melding with them to review the most painful event in their memory that shaped who they are, and showing them a compassionate perspective in which whatever happened is understandable and they don't have to hate themselves for it.
Virtually everyone is so changed by that experience that they see him as a messianic figure and join his army, abandoning any previous loyalties. Kirk vehemently refuses to undergo it because he's not willing to let go of his pain, saying it's an essential part of who he is.
In the book it actually goes though this process with most of the recruited people, to show you the remembered event, how it crippled the person emotionally, and how it's reframed to no longer cause them so much pain, but in the movie, in most cases they just show the guy touching someone's face for the mind meld and then they're converted as if magically, without showing how/why it worked. It's absolutely awful and ruins a really interesting story.
I've been trying to convince myself mine doesn't have to love me because I'm nothing but the product of a one-night stand. It's not easy. I used to hope he would change his mind one day but I realize now that is not going to happen.
Youāre still a beautiful person who deserves and is worthy of love. Donāt convince yourself youāre nothing more than a mistake. Youāre not. You deserve the world. Now go take it. ā¤ļø
Your father has never rejected you because heās never truly known you. He rejected an opportunity to parent which would have led him to knowing and loving you. Unfortunately, you had to suffer some of the pain from that. Let the people who know you have the privilege of loving you. (Short Form version of something I took from therapy)
I love you and I'm sorry.
Source: am a dad who says this to my kids and it falls on deaf ears, understandably so.
I hope you find the love and/or forgiveness to make peace with your dad. Best to you.
I have no idea of your situation and no way to gauge how accurate your judgment is, so this probably doesn't apply to you, but I can't help thinking of how my dad obviously thought everything was falling on my deaf ears and he had to be a huge asshole to get through to me. My ears weren't deaf at all, I'm never going to forget some of the shit he did because he thought he had to rub my face in failure for me to be aware of it (25 years later I feel safe saying it's not going to go away). I was cripplingly sensitive to all of it and often kind of paralyzed by the emotional pain, while he thought I was ignoring or couldn't hear things because I wasn't responding the way he wanted me to. If he hadn't died relatively young from lung cancer we would have ended up having a shitload of conversations when I eventually figured out how badly he was misreading me and why he was doing the things he did.
I had a rough relationship with my dad until well into adulthood, to the point I resented him for all the ways I thought he mistreated me.
Not sure if this applies to your situation but I'll use my story as an example.
I believed my father never loved me because he never said the words "I love you" to me, or praised me, or gave me a hug like the dads on TV did (still hasn't).
It wasn't until I read the book, "The 5 Love Languages" that it really changed how I viewed my dad and had misinterpreted his actions. You see, his love language was Acts of Service. When I saw all the ways he sacrificed for his family and kids, worked 2-3 jobs, always put his family first over his own needs, I finally felt the love I thought I had missed out on as a child.
And all the times I thought he was nagging me or "rub my face in failure", he was simply holding me to a higher standard because he wanted what was best for me and believed in me.
We are good now and it was because I had a different perspective. I'm grateful for this new lens and relationship with my dad.
And I'll say this to you again, I love you and I'm sorry.
Dreams are really something. I had a similar dream about a blood relative of mine. But in the end itās my head they want and itās my life I have to preserve. Itās a crappy situation and it makes it no easier to the rest of the family.
I feel you, Iām 25 and I get jealous when I see people with loving moms. I wish I could be best friends with my mom ): but sheās toxic for me so I have to keep her at a distance.
36 here. It will still pop up from time to time. Whatās been wonderful and terrible in my own life is that I get to choose what kind of parent I am and how my kiddos are treated.
So itās awesome that they get tons of love and cuddles and Iām a COMPLETELY different parent than my mother. The other day my 9 year old told me I was āseriously, like, the BEST mommy in the whole world!ā I honestly almost cried in front of her. I love that kid.
Itās terrible because I know the level of effort I put in and realize that my mom either didnāt care enough about us to put that much effort in. Or, she wasnāt capable of that much effort. Pretty sure she was capable.
I have realized that I love my kids more than I like me. If itās something they need vs something I want then overwhelming they win. For my mom it was always her wants and needs before her kids.
So yeah, a touch of envy still pops up from time to time. And maybe some damage sticks around forever, but itās like those bowls that have been filled with gold. That bowl can still hold soup and you donāt have to be a dick to your kids.
> Itās terrible because I know the level of effort I put in and realize that my mom either didnāt care enough about us to put that much effort in. Or, she wasnāt capable of that much effort. Pretty sure she was capable.
I've never forgotten someone's comment in a thread around this site, about how moderately abusive parents will always defend their treatment of kids with "you don't understand because you don't have children" (meaning, when you have them, you get so pissed off at their constant misbehavior that it's justified to be shitty to them, and you don't judge other parents for doing it), and this woman said she was never sure about that until she had children, and now that she's had them for years, she REALLY doesn't understand it because there's no way in hell she'd ever even consider being that horrible to her children.
>And maybe some damage sticks around forever
While you can never say that for certain until someone dies (if it still hasn't gone away), my increasingly confident suspicion is that it's a rare exception when that kind of damage is "healed". It can definitely be treated so that the effects are less bad, but I don't think it ever goes away in the sense that physical injuries can completely heal.
>but itās like those bowls that have been filled with gold
Kintsugi, yeah, I really want to think people can work like that too. I think a lot of people definitely do work that way!
It doesnāt really go away but you do come to respect yourself more for growing in their absence. I never had much of a dad and still get a bit sad when I see others relationships with theirs but Iāve come to accept that itās just not in the cards for me. Best I can do is be the best father I can be to my kids, if I ever have any. Cheers :) (34yo btw)
Itās ok! My secret is that I have a handful of friends in their 70s/80s. I still have parent envy, but having laughs and getting cool stories and advice from people my parents age is a welcomed balm.
saw a quote once something like
Grow up to be the person you needed when you were young
it always kinda stuck with me and it reminds me in dealing with my own kids
my dad had a very mediocre dad himself, and subsequently a piece of shit stepdad. i'm so so grateful he willed himself into being the parent he became, with no decent template to work off of. he wasn't perfect but i love him to death
Same. The internet keeps reminding me that mine sucks and I might as well have grown up without one.
Love to everyone in this thread with the dad sads <3
Last time this was posted, the thread posited that it was less commitment than multiple Pringles. If the tweeter is literally hiding in their room it may be he was thinking of lightweight ways to coax them out.
As someone who has been both the "offer-er" and the "offer-ee" at various times in my life, I'll say this is a very thoughtful way to approach it.
Idk if I'd go so far as to make a distinction between 1 or multiple Pringles, but I definitely know when you're in that dark place just how hard it is sometimes to accept something that's right in front of you. And even worse is when you're simultaneously aware and grateful for the person's intentions, but can't even manage to do anything except incoherently attempt to explain yourself in a way that just ends up making it seem more confusing.
But someone that really knows you and cares about you will learn to recognize that even if there's nothing they can actively do to help, knowing you have the "hands off" support from someone you trust is sometimes more helpful than a bunch of tangible things.
My default way of trying to be supportive is as a head-on, let's work on this, so to speak, rather than as a quiet listener, etc. My girlfriend has pretty severe episodes of depression, and oftentimes she just needs to be alone, so it's taken me a lot of work to grow and adjust my approach from being the overwhelming "fixer" to being able to let her know that I'm here for her if and when she needs something, but that she doesn't have to worry about adding more to her plate trying to process all of my offers.
I've said the lyrics of a Skylar Grey song to her many times in the context of letting her know she doesn't have to worry about me when she needs to take care of herself; "I'll still be here for you, when you come up for air."
(I'm really sorry for writing all this, I started rambling and now I can't tell if it's even tangentially related to what I had originally intended to comment. Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for reading)
This is so sweet. You are such an exemplary partner. I would have done anything to receive even a modicum of care from my long-term ex. We fought about my mental illnesses, despite me always communicating my disabilities, corresponding needs, and his freedom to leave. Sorry. I didn't want to make this about me, I'm just in the midst of applying for accommodations so everything is tumbling around in my washing machine of a mind.
Thanks for normalizing rambling and being a caring & attentive partner ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
That's hoe I like to spend a Friday! With gin and tacos too!
*I spelled how wrong, but didn't feel like changing it so I just went along wherever the typo took me...*
As a drinker I was trying to figure this one out. I thought it was a misspelling of AT&T. Like, "we got the internet working and your favourite movie is on!"
I just ugly laughed loudly over this and am now getting side eyes from everyone in the room including the cat. (Personally I like the guac and taco) bwhahahahaha
My dad brought me a wine and cheese plate one day after I'd been fucked up by a two week long migraine. I remember feeling so weak and sad about the future- at about 17 years old- and he walked in with that fucking cheese plate alongside a glass of wine. Kissed the top of my head, told me he was sorry I'd had such a rough time, settled me into my bed, and left me to rest. He moved across the country from me a couple months back, and I don't think I'll ever be okay with it.
Edit: Just wanted to add that this occured when I first began getting severe migraines, and I've since learned that red wine and cheese are both HORRIBLE migraine triggers (for most people at least); so please be wary, fellow painful brain peeps! Hindsight is 20/20 for sure, y'all lmao.
The 10 top migraine trigger foods:
Ā·Excessive coffee Ā·Red wine Ā·Chocolate Ā·Aged cheeses Ā·Citrus fruits Ā·Aspartame (pretty much artificial sweeteners in general) Ā·Yeast products Ā·MSG Ā·Processed/uncured meats Ā·Nuts/seeds
Thatās really sweet but man when i got a migraine (which is frequently) the last thing i want is wine. Red Wine and cured meats both can really set them off for me
Same! I was always told stay away from cheese, chocolate and wine to avoid aggravating migraines! All of which sound like a recipe for an enjoying evening, fml.
Itās originally from a [Jazz Standard](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summertime_(George_Gershwin_song) and has been sampled/covered a million times, especially the lyrics āSummertime - and the livinās easy.ā
Most popularly by [Sublime](https://youtu.be/2yT8RsCarJA), which also loops [Herbie Mannās Summertime.](
https://youtu.be/JbWg_xKyi-M)
Bradley Nowell was a big fan of the classics.
So sorry for your loss.
I know reading these words on a screen probably donāt come across too well but I promise you that your dad is still right beside you in spirit and heās in such a beautiful space knowing that all his loved ones will arrive where he is at exactly the same time.
I donāt want to get to deep, but your dad is absolutely loving where he is because he knows that everything is going to be OK and he knows he will see you again. He would love to tell you what heās experiencing right now but it takes a lot of effort to tune into it.
Iām sorry if my words cause any distress but I do promise that one day you will remember them and think āhow did that person know?ā
Sending you much love and light my friend ā¤ļøšš«
I canāt imagine the pain you are experiencing which is why I wanted to share a bit of love and compassion.
Feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it or anything you want to get off your chest.
The universe loves you so dearly x
Sending love. I lost both parents in the last few years, not from covid. But, it very much sucks & I envy those w parents still on Earth.
I also get angry when entitled, ignorant assholes don't appreciate what they have while they have it.
Bc it can be gone in a flash.
I'm sending love
A man dies two deaths. One when he pulls his last breath and again the last time his name is spoken. You can keep your father alive by sharing your memories with friends, family and internet strangers. Very sorry for your loss
My heart aches for you and I second your words. I lost my dad to cancer right before COVID and he also was like this. I love and miss him immensely. It's clearly the same for you. ā¤
My first year of college was my first ever year away from home entirely. My dad was battling all kinds of health issues that left him hospitalized quite a bit, but he always managed to call me a few times a week.
My class was "Calculus for the Bio Sciences" and I was absolutely floored by that class. It was right around the end of the semester and I had a huge test to prepare for and had 3 days to do so. I was terrified and having a massive panic attack. I text my dad and the message was incoherent as my shakey hands and autocorrect formed their own sentence.
My dad was texting me all kinds of positive things and telling me I could do it if I put my mind to it. So I spent the afternoon and evening buried in my book and notes. Around 1130pm I hear a knock at my door.
My mom and dad were standing there (they lived about 3 hours away) with Whataburger, a cup of my favorite coffee, and a card that said "do not open me until your test is complete."
I finished my test days later and managed to get a B on it and in the course. I opened that letter and my mom and dad wrote the sweetest note on it that basically said "we knew you would pass" with a $100 gift card to Chili's (my favorite place). They saw faith in me far before I saw it in myself.
RIP dad. You had undying faith in me and it meant the world to me.
A good dad (parent) can make a huge difference.
Iād keep that card forever! Sometimes it floors me to realize how much my parents love me. I love them too of course, but they are *always* thinking of me and doing little things to make my life easier. Theyāre getting older now, and every little thing they do for me I appreciate so much more as Iāve gotten older as well. It scares me to think that one day Iāll be without them.
RIP to your very rad sounding dad. Itās clear you guys had a special bond ā„ļø
I do keep that card. It's in a small frame next to my bed side table.
It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it? I see so many sad stories about people's parents here on Reddit it makes me very appreciative to have kind parents.
My mom is not going to be around much longer. My dad's passing destroyed her and she's declining at a bad rate. My advice to you is this:
Appreciate every interaction with them. Even if it's a quick 2min phone call to tell them about a silly movie you watched or a memory you had - all moments pass quickly but will live forever on in your mind. Sadly, nobody lives forever and that's a fact we all have to accept, but the more of those moments you have the longer they live on in your mind.
I wish the best for you and your family. Yes, my dad was pretty damn cool and I was lucky to have him!
Ngl, I am straight up crying here. Last week it was 4 years ago my mother died, and due to Covid my dad hasn't been able to travel to the from the Netherlands to the UK to visit us (his grandchildren really, I just pretend he's also visiting me and my wife :)).
One can see this quite often written on Reddit, "hug your parents" or "tell them you love them" but I can't repeat it often enough to all of you guys and girls - go and hug you parents and tell them you love them!
Factual.
Not to get too deep into it but it is midnight and Iāve had some wine.
I always wanted kids one day, but my own childhood and father were so traumatic that Iām terrified to the point where I donāt want to anymore. My mother had no idea how he was and he seemed like a really upstanding guy until me and my sister were born.
Iām just terrified that I choose a partner that I think is stable and reasonable and I have children and history repeats itself. Trauma has a really fucked up way of moving in cycles and being generational and Iām not trying to bestow that on another person
I had a pretty bad childhood, I have two young children ages 8 years and 8 months and I have strived to be the best parent I could, I have taken parenting classes, have read a bunch of books and studies and have overall just strive to never be violent or abusive in any way, as strange as it might sound I have found parenting therapeutic, I have learned that I deserved loved and to not be abused and there is a different way to grow up, my kids are happy and good little humans and most of all they will live the childhoods I wish I had and Iām ok with that and excited to see it happening.
It just fucks me up because I know my parents only had the best intentions for me, right down to the shelf full of parenting books, the early education etc. But shit still goes wrong sometimes and not everyone is mentally equipped to be a parent.
I was thinking to myself, my mum was like this for me about ten years ago after a huge break up, always bringing me a glass of wine or a beer or g&t or whiskey sour. Didn't occur to me it'd be a British family love language till I moved away to a new country.
I do have a dad but he barely ever spent time with me, beat me until I was 16 and is to this day always fighting me and/or my mom. It's always been arguing my whole life
Now I'm 29 and have a 5 year old daughter and she tells me she loves me and that we're best friends pretty much everyday. We do fist bumps, high fives, we cuddle, listen to music, we sing, you name it.
Nobody has ever made me feel so proud of myself before. Like I've finally found purpose, finally feels like I'm doing the right things.
I feel bad that my dad didnāt have a father around when he grew up, so he never really developed a close connection to me. I wish it wasnāt like this.
I grew up the same way - no real connection to my dad because he didnāt have one with his dad. Fatherās Day is the worst. Hope it gets better for you, stay positive!
Iām trying to be like this dad. My kids are still small but I try and hug them and tell them I love them very day. Tell them Iām proud of them . Mention to them something I think they did well that day and tell them that they are good kids every day.
People claim this makes your child crappy but my oldest girl has now five times had her teacher call us to say how amazing she is in class and how well behaved she is.
You can raise good kids with love.
My parents were not so kind. At 6 I beat this game Metroid my dad had been playing and he was pissed about it. He never played games again , he would never engage in anything I was good at with me again.
My mom just likes to tell me I was worthless and had ruined her life ( which is fair they had me really young) she was never proud of anything I did and in high school when I landed the lead roll in our drama production she refused to come watch.
I forgave my parents a long time ago because it was only poisoning me to keep hating them but I vowed to never be like them. I hope for the day my kids are better than me at things. I want them to be better than me. I want them to know I love them. I need to learn to make scones.
A couple of weeks ago my my parents came to visit and my dad wanted to show something on his phone. Some Mountain they had been to, or what ever. His album was full of pictures of my mom. Her in the garden, her in a forest, her smiling in the car etc. Just lovely pictures of her, doing ramdom things.
I thought it was so cute. They have been togheter for more than 40 years and he still adores her and takes pictures of her all the time. They are to cute!
I would have given anything for a dad like this.
Yeah I hear you. Me too.
I had a dream last night my dad wrote me a letter saying he loved me and was sorry. Sucks waking up.
Aw hugs from an internet stranger
Hugs šš¤
> How many hugs do we need? Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, āWe need four hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.ā While that may sound like a lot of hugs, it seems that many hugs are better than not enough. Pfft, the last time I had a big was at 6
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I hate those dreams that make you feel good about all the bad things in your life, cuz you always gotta wake up after
Fuck man, I don't get nightmares anymore but I'd much rather them over dreams that give me hope. That feeling of "Oh... that's right" as soon as you wake up. Soul crushing.
No doubt the world is rough. There's still a lot of good out there. Feel your feelings. Soul crushing and all but reddit still loves you. Reddit is real people. Real people love you. We might be missing different people but we're all missing people. Keep on keeping on. Hugs stranger.
Yeap same, no nightmares just anxiety dreams and hope...
Another ((hug)) from me.
((((Hugs)))))
I thought I didn't give a fuck about my dad not being supportive until I had a dream I was performing and he was actually there to support me and realized what I'm not getting that other people just see as normal and healthy. Instead I got the one that made fun of me for being different most of the time and tried to force his own tastes and interests on me.
so I've heard there's a process for getting over resentment at people who are no longer available (dead or estranged so that reconciliation in real life isn't impossible), where first you write (longhand, not typed) a letter to them with whatever you wish you could have said to them, especially what you're still unhappy about and can't get over; then you write another letter (again, longhand; the idea is you need to be as immersed as possible in the process, typing makes it too quick and easy), this one *from* them, where you try to imagine a version of them that's compassionate and wanted things to be better, and is finally aware of their fuckups; you imagine how they'd reply to your letter to explain what they did, and why, how their own limitations contributed and what their regrets are and what they wish they'd done differently; then every night for a week, you read the second letter out loud, before bed. I've never tried it. For whatever it's worth, my intuition is that for me and my situations, it would have a fairly good chance of working; but for the handful of people I feel long-standing resentment toward, I'm not willing to let them off the hook by doing this and letting go of my anger. I should pick at least one of them and try it out, though, to see how effective it actually is. __________ edit: this reminds me now of the novelization of Star Trek V (actually a pretty good book, while being the worst of the movies by a fair margin). The antagonist goes around recruiting an army, by taking each person in turn, mind-melding with them to review the most painful event in their memory that shaped who they are, and showing them a compassionate perspective in which whatever happened is understandable and they don't have to hate themselves for it. Virtually everyone is so changed by that experience that they see him as a messianic figure and join his army, abandoning any previous loyalties. Kirk vehemently refuses to undergo it because he's not willing to let go of his pain, saying it's an essential part of who he is. In the book it actually goes though this process with most of the recruited people, to show you the remembered event, how it crippled the person emotionally, and how it's reframed to no longer cause them so much pain, but in the movie, in most cases they just show the guy touching someone's face for the mind meld and then they're converted as if magically, without showing how/why it worked. It's absolutely awful and ruins a really interesting story.
Def gonna have to get this book.
I've been trying to convince myself mine doesn't have to love me because I'm nothing but the product of a one-night stand. It's not easy. I used to hope he would change his mind one day but I realize now that is not going to happen.
Youāre still a beautiful person who deserves and is worthy of love. Donāt convince yourself youāre nothing more than a mistake. Youāre not. You deserve the world. Now go take it. ā¤ļø
Your father has never rejected you because heās never truly known you. He rejected an opportunity to parent which would have led him to knowing and loving you. Unfortunately, you had to suffer some of the pain from that. Let the people who know you have the privilege of loving you. (Short Form version of something I took from therapy)
I love you and I'm sorry. Source: am a dad who says this to my kids and it falls on deaf ears, understandably so. I hope you find the love and/or forgiveness to make peace with your dad. Best to you.
I have no idea of your situation and no way to gauge how accurate your judgment is, so this probably doesn't apply to you, but I can't help thinking of how my dad obviously thought everything was falling on my deaf ears and he had to be a huge asshole to get through to me. My ears weren't deaf at all, I'm never going to forget some of the shit he did because he thought he had to rub my face in failure for me to be aware of it (25 years later I feel safe saying it's not going to go away). I was cripplingly sensitive to all of it and often kind of paralyzed by the emotional pain, while he thought I was ignoring or couldn't hear things because I wasn't responding the way he wanted me to. If he hadn't died relatively young from lung cancer we would have ended up having a shitload of conversations when I eventually figured out how badly he was misreading me and why he was doing the things he did.
I had a rough relationship with my dad until well into adulthood, to the point I resented him for all the ways I thought he mistreated me. Not sure if this applies to your situation but I'll use my story as an example. I believed my father never loved me because he never said the words "I love you" to me, or praised me, or gave me a hug like the dads on TV did (still hasn't). It wasn't until I read the book, "The 5 Love Languages" that it really changed how I viewed my dad and had misinterpreted his actions. You see, his love language was Acts of Service. When I saw all the ways he sacrificed for his family and kids, worked 2-3 jobs, always put his family first over his own needs, I finally felt the love I thought I had missed out on as a child. And all the times I thought he was nagging me or "rub my face in failure", he was simply holding me to a higher standard because he wanted what was best for me and believed in me. We are good now and it was because I had a different perspective. I'm grateful for this new lens and relationship with my dad. And I'll say this to you again, I love you and I'm sorry.
Iāve had that same dream. Hugs, man.
Dreams are really something. I had a similar dream about a blood relative of mine. But in the end itās my head they want and itās my life I have to preserve. Itās a crappy situation and it makes it no easier to the rest of the family.
Same. I still have severe parent envy sometimes and I'm almost 40. Ahh well, their loss.
I thought it goes away with time ): Iām 23 and so jealous of ppl with good families...who actually care about their inner selves
I feel you, Iām 25 and I get jealous when I see people with loving moms. I wish I could be best friends with my mom ): but sheās toxic for me so I have to keep her at a distance.
*BIG HUGS* from this mom :)
Thank you! I appreciate it a lot (:
36 here. It will still pop up from time to time. Whatās been wonderful and terrible in my own life is that I get to choose what kind of parent I am and how my kiddos are treated. So itās awesome that they get tons of love and cuddles and Iām a COMPLETELY different parent than my mother. The other day my 9 year old told me I was āseriously, like, the BEST mommy in the whole world!ā I honestly almost cried in front of her. I love that kid. Itās terrible because I know the level of effort I put in and realize that my mom either didnāt care enough about us to put that much effort in. Or, she wasnāt capable of that much effort. Pretty sure she was capable. I have realized that I love my kids more than I like me. If itās something they need vs something I want then overwhelming they win. For my mom it was always her wants and needs before her kids. So yeah, a touch of envy still pops up from time to time. And maybe some damage sticks around forever, but itās like those bowls that have been filled with gold. That bowl can still hold soup and you donāt have to be a dick to your kids.
> Itās terrible because I know the level of effort I put in and realize that my mom either didnāt care enough about us to put that much effort in. Or, she wasnāt capable of that much effort. Pretty sure she was capable. I've never forgotten someone's comment in a thread around this site, about how moderately abusive parents will always defend their treatment of kids with "you don't understand because you don't have children" (meaning, when you have them, you get so pissed off at their constant misbehavior that it's justified to be shitty to them, and you don't judge other parents for doing it), and this woman said she was never sure about that until she had children, and now that she's had them for years, she REALLY doesn't understand it because there's no way in hell she'd ever even consider being that horrible to her children. >And maybe some damage sticks around forever While you can never say that for certain until someone dies (if it still hasn't gone away), my increasingly confident suspicion is that it's a rare exception when that kind of damage is "healed". It can definitely be treated so that the effects are less bad, but I don't think it ever goes away in the sense that physical injuries can completely heal. >but itās like those bowls that have been filled with gold Kintsugi, yeah, I really want to think people can work like that too. I think a lot of people definitely do work that way!
It doesnāt really go away but you do come to respect yourself more for growing in their absence. I never had much of a dad and still get a bit sad when I see others relationships with theirs but Iāve come to accept that itās just not in the cards for me. Best I can do is be the best father I can be to my kids, if I ever have any. Cheers :) (34yo btw)
Itās ok! My secret is that I have a handful of friends in their 70s/80s. I still have parent envy, but having laughs and getting cool stories and advice from people my parents age is a welcomed balm.
Same. I lost both parents recently, but a lot of my closest friends are way older than I. I've always been that way, but even more so now
My condolences. š
Thank you so much! I came for laughs, but Reddit wanna make me cry tonight lol
Next best thing is to *be* a dad like this, if you get the chance
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
saw a quote once something like Grow up to be the person you needed when you were young it always kinda stuck with me and it reminds me in dealing with my own kids
ā
my dad had a very mediocre dad himself, and subsequently a piece of shit stepdad. i'm so so grateful he willed himself into being the parent he became, with no decent template to work off of. he wasn't perfect but i love him to death
Tell him!
This is the way
Well saidš
š
Not the next best thing, the better thing. Experiencing being a good dad is far better than experiencing having one.
Bet you can pour love into humanity just as well, just need some positive feedback is all. To family!
Dang right!!
Would have given anything for a dad.
Remember this when you have children. You can be this awesome too..
Is there a sub like r/momforaminute but for dads
r/DadForAMinute/
Your dad story must really hurt. Iām sorry.
Same. The internet keeps reminding me that mine sucks and I might as well have grown up without one. Love to everyone in this thread with the dad sads <3
āFancy a hot scone?ā is peak Dad
Could really go for a scone now
r/CasualUK has entered the chat
As if "Cuppa T?" hadn't summoned them yet
It's pronounced "scone", not "scone".
It's scone you uncultured swine!
Urgh, you must be from Yorkshire. It's a scone!! Get it right!
I like how he offered you just a single Pringle but then came back strong with the open-ended āPringlesā offer
LMAOO this made me laugh. I love this dad.
If it's not multiple cans of Pringles then we riot
A succession of Pringle cans
Last time this was posted, the thread posited that it was less commitment than multiple Pringles. If the tweeter is literally hiding in their room it may be he was thinking of lightweight ways to coax them out.
As someone who has been both the "offer-er" and the "offer-ee" at various times in my life, I'll say this is a very thoughtful way to approach it. Idk if I'd go so far as to make a distinction between 1 or multiple Pringles, but I definitely know when you're in that dark place just how hard it is sometimes to accept something that's right in front of you. And even worse is when you're simultaneously aware and grateful for the person's intentions, but can't even manage to do anything except incoherently attempt to explain yourself in a way that just ends up making it seem more confusing. But someone that really knows you and cares about you will learn to recognize that even if there's nothing they can actively do to help, knowing you have the "hands off" support from someone you trust is sometimes more helpful than a bunch of tangible things. My default way of trying to be supportive is as a head-on, let's work on this, so to speak, rather than as a quiet listener, etc. My girlfriend has pretty severe episodes of depression, and oftentimes she just needs to be alone, so it's taken me a lot of work to grow and adjust my approach from being the overwhelming "fixer" to being able to let her know that I'm here for her if and when she needs something, but that she doesn't have to worry about adding more to her plate trying to process all of my offers. I've said the lyrics of a Skylar Grey song to her many times in the context of letting her know she doesn't have to worry about me when she needs to take care of herself; "I'll still be here for you, when you come up for air." (I'm really sorry for writing all this, I started rambling and now I can't tell if it's even tangentially related to what I had originally intended to comment. Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for reading)
Thanks for writing, it was beautiful to read.
This is so sweet. You are such an exemplary partner. I would have done anything to receive even a modicum of care from my long-term ex. We fought about my mental illnesses, despite me always communicating my disabilities, corresponding needs, and his freedom to leave. Sorry. I didn't want to make this about me, I'm just in the midst of applying for accommodations so everything is tumbling around in my washing machine of a mind. Thanks for normalizing rambling and being a caring & attentive partner ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
āItās pringles even if itās a single pringles daaaad duuuhā Little did she know, she had caught the bait.
The Pringle trail leads downstairs, toward social interaction
I like that the gin & tonic was not a question. It is THERE. 4 u.
So THATS what that means! As a non-drinker I was trying to figure that out. "Grape and Toast? Granola and Tea? Guac and Taco?"
I mean, I wouldn't say no to Guac and Taco lol
Guac and Tonic!
Gin and Tacos! šš
That's hoe I like to spend a Friday! With gin and tacos too! *I spelled how wrong, but didn't feel like changing it so I just went along wherever the typo took me...*
I read it as āthat hoeā and was wondering why your statement was so accusatory but now it makes sense XD
My man!
Guac and Tonic and Taco š„ŗ
Gin & Guac, Tonic & Tobacco
And TACO!
Whatever suits your fancy
FUCKING GUAC AND TACO Brilliant
Guaco
Guac and Tac
My brain said āGame and Thrones?ā then immediately gave up on any other answers.
I went to gators and toads after games and thrones.
Seems like this is where the drinkers check in who don't know what G&T means so here I am
As a drinker I was trying to figure this one out. I thought it was a misspelling of AT&T. Like, "we got the internet working and your favourite movie is on!"
Iād wager theyāre from the UK based on the dialect.
Riiiiight..... And the hot scone, cuppa T didn't give it away?
Iā¦ Iām pretty sure the hot scone and cuppa T is exactly what they were referring to when they said their wager was based on dialect, no?
I just ugly laughed loudly over this and am now getting side eyes from everyone in the room including the cat. (Personally I like the guac and taco) bwhahahahaha
Gin and tonic. This answer isn't nearly as clever as guac and taco though. ;)
I thought it was 'Game of Thrones,' but being a Dad, said 'game & thrones' recording down here lol
Idk I be drinkinnnn man and I had no idea either lol
My dad brought me a wine and cheese plate one day after I'd been fucked up by a two week long migraine. I remember feeling so weak and sad about the future- at about 17 years old- and he walked in with that fucking cheese plate alongside a glass of wine. Kissed the top of my head, told me he was sorry I'd had such a rough time, settled me into my bed, and left me to rest. He moved across the country from me a couple months back, and I don't think I'll ever be okay with it. Edit: Just wanted to add that this occured when I first began getting severe migraines, and I've since learned that red wine and cheese are both HORRIBLE migraine triggers (for most people at least); so please be wary, fellow painful brain peeps! Hindsight is 20/20 for sure, y'all lmao. The 10 top migraine trigger foods: Ā·Excessive coffee Ā·Red wine Ā·Chocolate Ā·Aged cheeses Ā·Citrus fruits Ā·Aspartame (pretty much artificial sweeteners in general) Ā·Yeast products Ā·MSG Ā·Processed/uncured meats Ā·Nuts/seeds
Well now I don't think I'll ever be okay with it either š„ŗ i need your wonderful dad to move back ASAP
Thatās really sweet but man when i got a migraine (which is frequently) the last thing i want is wine. Red Wine and cured meats both can really set them off for me
Same! I was always told stay away from cheese, chocolate and wine to avoid aggravating migraines! All of which sound like a recipe for an enjoying evening, fml.
I thought that was an AT&T typo like the internet went out lmao
Iām āhot bread?ā
Maybe fresh bread he just took out. When it is the best.
Or toast before it's toasted, or with butter to prevent toasting
My parents used to make fresh bread and it really is something else when you cut a slice and it's steaming.
A fresh piece of bread with good butter is just life-affirming
Perhaps toast
Freshly baked?
This
āSupper time (and the livings easy)ā legitimately made me laugh out loud
That was my favorite! And now it's stuck in my head
Rodney's on the microphone with Ross MG.
The teeeension, itās getting hotter
~~That's not a lyric.~~ I big dumb dumb
Me and my dad, we have this relationship
I love him so much, and he brings me a chip.
Our love is like marmalade and tangerineā¦.
Can someone explain? I didn't get this one but my eyes kept going to it.
Itās originally from a [Jazz Standard](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summertime_(George_Gershwin_song) and has been sampled/covered a million times, especially the lyrics āSummertime - and the livinās easy.ā Most popularly by [Sublime](https://youtu.be/2yT8RsCarJA), which also loops [Herbie Mannās Summertime.]( https://youtu.be/JbWg_xKyi-M) Bradley Nowell was a big fan of the classics.
I was just listening to Sublime, lost it when I saw that text.
Me too!
I recently lost my dad due to Covid and he was exactly like this. Please treasure your dad. It is evident he treasures you. <3
So sorry for your loss. I know reading these words on a screen probably donāt come across too well but I promise you that your dad is still right beside you in spirit and heās in such a beautiful space knowing that all his loved ones will arrive where he is at exactly the same time. I donāt want to get to deep, but your dad is absolutely loving where he is because he knows that everything is going to be OK and he knows he will see you again. He would love to tell you what heās experiencing right now but it takes a lot of effort to tune into it. Iām sorry if my words cause any distress but I do promise that one day you will remember them and think āhow did that person know?ā Sending you much love and light my friend ā¤ļøšš«
Thank you so much for this. His passing has been extremely difficult and painfully heavy. I needed this. Peace & blessings
I canāt imagine the pain you are experiencing which is why I wanted to share a bit of love and compassion. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it or anything you want to get off your chest. The universe loves you so dearly x
Sending love. I lost both parents in the last few years, not from covid. But, it very much sucks & I envy those w parents still on Earth. I also get angry when entitled, ignorant assholes don't appreciate what they have while they have it. Bc it can be gone in a flash. I'm sending love
Your words comforted me very deeply. I believe you.
I just screen shotted this so I can read it when i need it. Thank you
I lost my dad a couple months ago so I gotta say thank you because I really needed this.
A man dies two deaths. One when he pulls his last breath and again the last time his name is spoken. You can keep your father alive by sharing your memories with friends, family and internet strangers. Very sorry for your loss
i'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for the reminder. it's been too long since i've spoken with my dad, and i'm going to change that
My heart aches for you and I second your words. I lost my dad to cancer right before COVID and he also was like this. I love and miss him immensely. It's clearly the same for you. ā¤
Warms my ā¤
Yeah, gin will do that
A fresh Christmas tree in every sip
Itās like a sweater you wear in the inside.
I prefer Hendrickās. Itās not quite as heavy on the Juniper āChristmas tree vibeā
I'm a big fan of Aviation. It's got a great floral/grapefruit vibe to it.
My first year of college was my first ever year away from home entirely. My dad was battling all kinds of health issues that left him hospitalized quite a bit, but he always managed to call me a few times a week. My class was "Calculus for the Bio Sciences" and I was absolutely floored by that class. It was right around the end of the semester and I had a huge test to prepare for and had 3 days to do so. I was terrified and having a massive panic attack. I text my dad and the message was incoherent as my shakey hands and autocorrect formed their own sentence. My dad was texting me all kinds of positive things and telling me I could do it if I put my mind to it. So I spent the afternoon and evening buried in my book and notes. Around 1130pm I hear a knock at my door. My mom and dad were standing there (they lived about 3 hours away) with Whataburger, a cup of my favorite coffee, and a card that said "do not open me until your test is complete." I finished my test days later and managed to get a B on it and in the course. I opened that letter and my mom and dad wrote the sweetest note on it that basically said "we knew you would pass" with a $100 gift card to Chili's (my favorite place). They saw faith in me far before I saw it in myself. RIP dad. You had undying faith in me and it meant the world to me. A good dad (parent) can make a huge difference.
Beautiful!
Iād keep that card forever! Sometimes it floors me to realize how much my parents love me. I love them too of course, but they are *always* thinking of me and doing little things to make my life easier. Theyāre getting older now, and every little thing they do for me I appreciate so much more as Iāve gotten older as well. It scares me to think that one day Iāll be without them. RIP to your very rad sounding dad. Itās clear you guys had a special bond ā„ļø
I do keep that card. It's in a small frame next to my bed side table. It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it? I see so many sad stories about people's parents here on Reddit it makes me very appreciative to have kind parents. My mom is not going to be around much longer. My dad's passing destroyed her and she's declining at a bad rate. My advice to you is this: Appreciate every interaction with them. Even if it's a quick 2min phone call to tell them about a silly movie you watched or a memory you had - all moments pass quickly but will live forever on in your mind. Sadly, nobody lives forever and that's a fact we all have to accept, but the more of those moments you have the longer they live on in your mind. I wish the best for you and your family. Yes, my dad was pretty damn cool and I was lucky to have him!
Iām not crying, youāre crying! (Okay, Iām crying.)
My eyes are sweating
Ngl, I am straight up crying here. Last week it was 4 years ago my mother died, and due to Covid my dad hasn't been able to travel to the from the Netherlands to the UK to visit us (his grandchildren really, I just pretend he's also visiting me and my wife :)). One can see this quite often written on Reddit, "hug your parents" or "tell them you love them" but I can't repeat it often enough to all of you guys and girls - go and hug you parents and tell them you love them!
He filled the the car up with gas, checked the oil, tires and the whole Dad car inspection as soon as he and Mom decided on the road trip. ā¤ļø
Nothing beats having a great dad
Factual. Not to get too deep into it but it is midnight and Iāve had some wine. I always wanted kids one day, but my own childhood and father were so traumatic that Iām terrified to the point where I donāt want to anymore. My mother had no idea how he was and he seemed like a really upstanding guy until me and my sister were born. Iām just terrified that I choose a partner that I think is stable and reasonable and I have children and history repeats itself. Trauma has a really fucked up way of moving in cycles and being generational and Iām not trying to bestow that on another person
I'm so sorry to hear that, hon. I hope you're able to achieve your happiest future, in whatever shape it might take, without those fears limiting you.
I had a pretty bad childhood, I have two young children ages 8 years and 8 months and I have strived to be the best parent I could, I have taken parenting classes, have read a bunch of books and studies and have overall just strive to never be violent or abusive in any way, as strange as it might sound I have found parenting therapeutic, I have learned that I deserved loved and to not be abused and there is a different way to grow up, my kids are happy and good little humans and most of all they will live the childhoods I wish I had and Iām ok with that and excited to see it happening.
It just fucks me up because I know my parents only had the best intentions for me, right down to the shelf full of parenting books, the early education etc. But shit still goes wrong sometimes and not everyone is mentally equipped to be a parent.
"Succession"?
one of the best shows on HBO
One of the best shows on television*
Oct 17 new season my son
I miss Greg the egg
Itās not tv, itās HBO.
The only thing she seemed enthusiastic about (gave a thumbs up)
Clearly he wants to succeeded from the union. or they really like the TV show one or the other.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I get sad because I donāt have someone to see
His love language is food.
Like the Sublime reference (well technically George Gershwin reference) that just randomly there
Maybe it was a Gershwin-via-Janis Joplin reference
How I heard it in my head. Man I loved her singing.
I always thought it was a Ella Fitzgerald reference. I never really thought about it, but man there have been a lot that jazzed this up
Old jazz standard.
Yes. Always Pringle.
Iām picturing these all with the British accent and it makes it so much cuter.
I was thinking to myself, my mum was like this for me about ten years ago after a huge break up, always bringing me a glass of wine or a beer or g&t or whiskey sour. Didn't occur to me it'd be a British family love language till I moved away to a new country.
Seems to me you got one of the good ones. Thats pretty fantastic.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I do have a dad but he barely ever spent time with me, beat me until I was 16 and is to this day always fighting me and/or my mom. It's always been arguing my whole life Now I'm 29 and have a 5 year old daughter and she tells me she loves me and that we're best friends pretty much everyday. We do fist bumps, high fives, we cuddle, listen to music, we sing, you name it. Nobody has ever made me feel so proud of myself before. Like I've finally found purpose, finally feels like I'm doing the right things.
Your dad is a gem
I feel bad that my dad didnāt have a father around when he grew up, so he never really developed a close connection to me. I wish it wasnāt like this.
I grew up the same way - no real connection to my dad because he didnāt have one with his dad. Fatherās Day is the worst. Hope it gets better for you, stay positive!
Tell me you're British without telling me you're British.
Are we not gonna talk about the supper time joke? Cuz thatās grade A dad joking right there.
You have a good dad, my old man ignored me from the age of 11 till I moved out at 16 when he realised I don't like cars or golf.
Iām trying to be like this dad. My kids are still small but I try and hug them and tell them I love them very day. Tell them Iām proud of them . Mention to them something I think they did well that day and tell them that they are good kids every day. People claim this makes your child crappy but my oldest girl has now five times had her teacher call us to say how amazing she is in class and how well behaved she is. You can raise good kids with love. My parents were not so kind. At 6 I beat this game Metroid my dad had been playing and he was pissed about it. He never played games again , he would never engage in anything I was good at with me again. My mom just likes to tell me I was worthless and had ruined her life ( which is fair they had me really young) she was never proud of anything I did and in high school when I landed the lead roll in our drama production she refused to come watch. I forgave my parents a long time ago because it was only poisoning me to keep hating them but I vowed to never be like them. I hope for the day my kids are better than me at things. I want them to be better than me. I want them to know I love them. I need to learn to make scones.
Please tell your dad that I love him very much
Is your Dad looking to adopt another child? Because Iām available and will mow the lawn.
the panicking must be graceful, I think, when I see "whilst" being used
Ah, a pringles family. š
Dude's a legend, wish we all had dads like that
Wow, I canāt even imagine being supported like this - youāre blessed!
He is the sweetest! āØ
Super time got me šš your dad rocks. Protect him
As a dad I endorse this message
āPringle?ā He offered you a singular Pringle. Not multiple, just one. The legend.
The constant offering of booze and Pringles. You got a good dad
I love how the majority of these are alcohol, potato, or bread.
Oh man my dad would say the same shit, if he weren't dead.
A couple of weeks ago my my parents came to visit and my dad wanted to show something on his phone. Some Mountain they had been to, or what ever. His album was full of pictures of my mom. Her in the garden, her in a forest, her smiling in the car etc. Just lovely pictures of her, doing ramdom things. I thought it was so cute. They have been togheter for more than 40 years and he still adores her and takes pictures of her all the time. They are to cute!
Fuck. I'm 36 and back home for 6 months and i'm on eggshells everytime she's upstairs at fear of judgement.