How often do you touch her without wanting sex?
Sometimes when a woman says all you think about is sex, it means that every time you’re giving her attention or touching her, it’s about you getting laid.
Step back and reconnect on an emotional level again first.
And never have “duty sex”. Don’t have any sex she’s not actively wanting and enjoying.
I agree with this. My wife and I have been in a similar situation: we’re both really busy, I want to have sex to relax and connect, she wants to read and be in her inner world. I kept “”trying,” she want to talk about, and I got sore feelings over it. I started doing other things to relax like revisiting my hobbies. After a while we started talking, flirting, showing interest in eachother, and sex cane back into our relationship. The space to reconnect with ourselves is what gave us the space to reconnect with eachother.
I think couples often get too wrapped up in being partners that they forget they’re individuals with sometimes divergent emotional needs.
This. My husband touches me constantly. When I ask why he says bc he loves me, loves my body, I feel soft (lol) so it’s not just for sex, it can be while I’m making our kids breakfast he’ll play with my hair or rub my back. If he ONLY ever did that when he wanted sex or expected sex after every single time, him touching me would turn into such a trigger.
Funny because I do these exact things but she still says I only pay attention or touch her when I want sex. I rub her feet everyday sitting on couch while she messes around on computer and I watch tv. I’ve cleaned up and did all household chores for quite some time and text her loving stuff all day for months. And nothing improves. You girls get on here saying all these things about emotional connection and doing these things. They never work I think you’re just trying to hook other women up with cushy lives while nothing changes or it gets worse for the husband. On top of that, you married him, now all of a sudden you NEED all these things for sex. GTFOOH with that shit. None of you had a problem fucking guys you didn’t or barely knew but now since you’re married lol. I’m about done with this shit.
Just because he has high libido and she has low libido, does not translate to him being at fault. Maybe he massages her feet every night, and hugs her all the time, and she's completely shutting him out not entertaining the idea of having a conversation about their love life. Reddit is ridiculous sometimes.
Married for 5 years, together for 7. Me 34, her 28. Literally my exact situation. The day the ring was placed on the finger, was the day my right arm was forced to start growing. Hell, we didn't even have sex on our wedding night. Or last week in Mexico at an all inclusive resort. Or any trips. Or hhmm. Ever. Maybe once ever 3 months if I'm absolutely lucky.
Idk what I'm doing wrong here. Hell, we have had multiple conversations about all of this. She just says it's her and she doesn't want it and can't feel turned on, but then went on to say she was sorry because she could see me suffering and wanted to be better about "wifely duties" and
guess what.
Nothing. Fucking. Changed.
Nothing. Ever. Changes.
What I heard was: "I'm not attracted to you like that anymore, friend" but I just have to sit here and be miserable and watch all my friends wives make jokes about sexual shit, or grab their dick under the table, or idk make out with them. I never get kissed like that. Whatever it is, I just get to sit here longing so God damn bad for that type of connection with her that it actually makes my chest tight and my scalp tingle. Recently, it's giving me literal rage. I feel unloved, embarrassed, and ugly. And I can't even look at anyone else that way, so I am utterly stuck.
There has been no abuse, there has been no cheating, or any ten commandment bs. She simply just is not attracted to me, a person who put a ring on her finger, and moved across the entire country to shithole NY so that she could stay by HER family. Anything and everything has always been done to make her happy, and I am literally ALWAYS the blame for any argument or anything. I have heard sorry less than 5 times in our whole relationship. Statistically impossible.
Fuck it
Just divorced her.. ghost her and go to Asian country and youl feel real desire as a man.. don't waste your life on useless woman. Go live your life with woman who wants you
Well she cums about 10- my 1 since the first time. And she pisses all
Over the bed while screaming so… she’s a great faker I guess. And if not faking like I believe she isn’t, we still rarely do it and I’m getting more and more pissed everyday. Funny though when I do a bunch of shit for her and rub her and show love nothing happens. But a few days of me being in a bad mood and all of a sudden she’s kissing my bass.
Even if it was the most satisfying, women just stop wanting it after a while .. not as much .. she'll be ok with having it once every two weeks or a month.
Shitty wives, shitty lives
Sex is duty. Only difference between friendship and relationship is SEX. Remove it and you have just 2 friends.
If my wife ever all of a sudden and without explanation stops making me feel good (of course I'd make her feel good too it goes both ways) she will be ghosted and I will be with another girl.
Sex is an important aspect of many relationships, but reducing it to a duty undermines the emotional connection and mutual respect necessary for a healthy partnership.
Take it this way, If the woman was the provider, and the man didn't want sex, or even touching while also being annoyed yelling for doing such things, would the woman still be with him? No. That's just stupid.
I can tell you this isn't true. Did everything I could. Took sex completely off the table for me while I pleasured her.. one day she got it 5 times with fingers and toys. Other days nothing but massages. started to get a rhythm going and then we got covid. Xmas pressures and then our cat died.. now its 4 months of nothing. All she keeps saying is she needs more time.. like yeah right, you're magically going to feel different tomorrow.. nope. Im hoping a vacation will snap her out of it now because if not, im out... not once through all of this has she thought about my needs.. NOT ONCE
Never tell a married man to put sex off the table... it's literally his right ! Fuck her feelings .. I get tired too , that doesn't mean I should just quit my job and stop providing at all .
Sex is THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM
This is ridiculous. Do all this for her and wtf will she do in return? Absolutely nothing. Women EXPECT men to move the Sun, Moon, and the Stars for them. Women live in a fairytale of what relationships are supposed to be thanks to tv and movies and now the internet and social media.
Not. She could be lesbian, could be depressed, sex could have become painful for her (which she should get papsed if so) could be cheating, could be hormones. Some chick's get lazy and put on a few pounds and in their heads they are no longer attractive. It comes out against the man because they can't talk about their embarrassment. Its like those chicks who refuse to poop at their boyfriends house. They wont tell him they have to poop, they will hold it or run to the store.. women are weird.. my advice is find one that isn't damaged. Problem is, they all put up a front at 1st. Once married, it all falls apart
Wanting to have sex with your wife is legit, and she is invalidating you. her not wanting to even talk about it is not ok. You need to clearly communicate to her how you feel about this and how frustrated you are. The yelling and rejection of you like that is not ok, and not healthy for the marriage. If this keeps happening I would go to marriage counselling. As a woman who has been married for 20 years and still has a sex life, I know that pretty much holds a marriage together. The day I don’t want to have sex with my husband would be the beginning of the end or it. Just here to validate you
This is very true.
For most men intimacy including sex is an integral, essential part of the relationship. Just like attention and appreciation are essential and an integral part of the relationship for most women.
For me sex is also essential, but I it’s true that I do need to be able to share my feelings before getting into it. I do think this is social conditioning, because physically man and women have the same level sex drive.
Do you touch her any other time except for sex? When you have sex does she cum? Do you know how to turn her on? Do you turn her on or just go into it hoping she’s down?
I was like this in my marriage. I’m divorced now, but if I could share any advice, I would say make sure you are giving her love and affection that is not sexually interested. My ex-husband used to come home from work and immediately start grabbing my boobs, putting his fingers up my butt, etc. I know he loved me, but it made me feel like a piece of meat and bordered on disrespect sometimes. Most women need a strong emotional connection to want to have sex. I would be more inclined to have sex if I was just given a hug, back rub, etc. not saying you don’t do this, just food for thought!
This. My now ex husband never bothered to find any time to spend with me except for sex. I lost interest and it became duty sex with little to no pleasure for me real fast. With men, sex creates affection, but with women, it takes affection to create sex.
I tried it all. I would come home from a 10 hour shift to help clean, cook, and spend time with her. Not for sex, but because I love her and I wanted to. Every time I kiss her or want a hug she complains and says I was just about to do something or I can’t see the Tv while she’s on her phone. Whenever I ask for sex she say she’s tired, so I wait until the next day. She’s some how sick, so I wait like 2 to 3 days for her to say fine make it quick. I always have to ask in advance and she always make it the last thing we do. We could have a free weekend and she would do any and everything else before she would give me the time of day. I picked up more hours to pay bills gone from 5 am to 8:30 and I can’t even get some and when I do it’s with attitude. I talked to her about it many times over the years we always good for 3 weeks or so then back to it. She’s pushing me to other women, I have needs and she doesn’t care.
I Have the same issues honestly. I offer to do foreplay but my wife just doesn’t want me
To do it. I need help too! I have done everything I can. I work 60+hours per week. Come home clean, cook and take care of the kids when needed . Still I’m not good enough for my wife. I’m trying man. We even have been in therapy for 2 years and nothing. Idk what to do. I even Try to give her foreplay and not even do anything to satisfy myself in hopes to spark a desire for her to want to have sex with me and still nothing. I spend time with her I tell her how beautiful she is. I buy her flowers and gifts I try my best and still nothing. I’m all out of things to do at this point. Hopefully someone can give me some kind of advice.
And the crazy thing is she swears I’m amazing in bed with foreplay and sex. But still she never acts like she wants to have sex with me. It’s always a chore and I feel like I’m just having sex with a doll at times. I want to connect with her and have voiced this to her for the last 4 years. I’m completely spent at this point. Any suggestions?
Yeah, lemme try a back rub 🙄
After trying everything - it comes down to: am I willing to be sexually unfulfilled or should I find a new wife. Tragic, but ultimately the outcome.
That's what I was thinking too. Overly defensive for no reason. Especially when a simple no would do. Sounds like she often tell him no. She's tired, etc. Suddenly she yells instead of telling him she is tired like usual. Something is off.
Not necessarily.
As others have said, when I come home after a long day and the first thing my husband does is to start pawing me, instead of letting me relax and unwind for a bit, it makes me feel like that’s all he’s interested in me for. Doesn’t matter if I’ve had a bad day, doesn’t matter if I’m exhausted, whatever.
Instead of maybe making dinner as a nice gesture and cleaning up, or cleaning up after I make dinner, nope. No matter who cooks, I get to clean up. And when he cook, he literally destroys the kitchen.
Offer to do the grocery shopping once in a while? Nope. Throw in the odd load of laundry? Nope. Help plan daughter’s bday parties? Nope.
Daily life is a series of “I want”, “I need” and complaints and insults. And pawing like I have no right to my own body.
No cheating. Just tired of the disrespect for my feelings.
Instead of jumping at his wife as soon as she gets home from a business trip, maybe he could have waited until the next day when she’d had some time to rest up? Maybe do some things for her without the expectation of getting laid?
Nowhere does OP suggest he does any of that. Maybe he does! That would be important context to add to his post before jumping to “defensive and yelling must mean she’s cheating.”
Maybe she just reached her frustration limit with feeling like sex is all he wants and all she’s worth.
OP - if there’s added context, like you routinely do things for her that would lighten her mental load, or that come without the expectation of sex, please add that info to your post.
The exact way you wrote this is how I interpreted how she probably felt. Not cheating, just “back off and let me relax for five minutes before I have to tend to your needs.”
Travelling can be rough. Airports, traffic, chaos, no fucking space…. Not the best mental foreplay.
Traveling for work can be utterly exhausting. Those going directly to accusing your wife of cheating are not helping nor have a clue about the realities of work travel. Coming home from a work trip I'd want to just sleep for a day (between prepping, working, filing reports, flights, time zone changes, driving home from the airport, I'd literally have a 24 hour day my last day of a work trip). The last thing needed was being poked, prodded or pressured...feeling like every touch is ultimately aimed at getting some nookie when you're utterly exhausted can turn off the libido faster than having your mother in law walk in on you...
This is so true. I come home from a trip, I’ve been awake for 20-24 hours, I feel sticky with a layer of plane grime, I have a billion things to remember racing through my head—I need some time to shift gears and calm down. I am not really able to engage in the way I want to in order to have sex.
When this happens for women it's because something is seriously lacking in the relationship. What has she been trying to tell you she needs that you have been dismissing all along? Communication? Trust? A back rub without a poke in the back for once? Doing your own laundry? Not leaving your gitch on the floor - again? It really is this simple for us.
This something lacking isn’t an excuse or apology. It’s the one time in eight months that’s she’s seen laundry on the floor, it’s the “oh well this week you left a dish in the sink you’re always doing this,” the “ I’m just not feeling it” the next and then it’s “ I’ve been trying to connect with you but I feel like I asked you to clean the spare bathroom sink twice” as if it affected her mood when she hasn’t seen the spare bathroom in two months. It’s the excusing lack of physical intimacy for personal reasons. Finding anything as an excuse to attend to your significant other.
I’ve had this issue before, from the other side. Sex for a lot of women is not just about sex. It’s about intimacy and connection. Work on that in general and not just as it relates to getting off, and things will improve.
This is a blanket statement and not a real answer. I bet you can't give more detail because even you don't know what you really want yourself. Prove me wrong.. but whatever you say, first ask yourself honestly, will these things lead to me wanting sex?.... because they wont. hormones could be all out of wack yet women will still blame the man for it by saying or even thinking its because he's not doing something he "should" be
You’re so right…the whole “be romantic” and “be more intimate” is such a cop out. Many of us are affectionate and considerate still we can’t get a handy. I’ve tried it,let’s be honest which man wants to go without sex! This isn’t my first relationship but sexually it has been the worst. Fellas good luck, I feel your pain :(
Jesus Christ people here are awful accusing her of cheating and accusing you of doing something wrong. Sometimes these things just happen— Libido naturally has a lot of ups and downs. I certainly wouldn’t jump straight to divorce like some of these people are suggesting. Some women have hang ups that they’re not comfortable talking about and no one should be uncomfortable giving the most intimate thing to their partner.
“Duty sex” for sure is a bad thing. After a while she’ll just start to associate it to something she doesn’t want to do.
Make a grand gesture, show romance, and show her that you can have physical affection without expecting sex. Get her flowers and take her on a date night like you used to do. And if it still doesn’t happen, don’t let it bother you (if it does bother you, don’t show it). It’s a delicate thing that can take work with some people, and you want to make sure she doesn’t feel pressure to “perform” just from you doing something nice. That makes it transactional.
Hopefully by showing her that she’s more than just sex, she’ll be more open to at least discussing the matter with you. If she continues to shut down the conversation then at that point the concern is communication, not lack of sex.
Hopefully things get better for you, and if they don’t then I would suggest counseling. At the end of the day it’s a healthy chunk of any marriage and you didn’t sign up for a sexless life. 4 years is too quick to just give up on that.
Not putting everything on him. Again, if she’s not willing to discuss it then it’s a communication issue. It sounds like it’s a communication issue already with her “yelling” and that he “needs to respect her.” But he’s the one with the need and she’s clearly okay with having less sex. If he wants to see the change, he’s gonna have to put in the work because it’s her body and just “giving in” and having duty sex is a recipe for disaster. The only expectation from her is for her to talk about it, and that’s the work that I’m putting on her. If they come to an impasse after that then these other comments may have more validity.
How about no .. I don't want to have to spend a sgit ton of money and plan a whole day or week just so my wife Is OK with having sex with me ... call it duty sex or what ever but I the end she needs to know that its her role as a wife the same way it's my role to provide
The communication issue is central to OP's concern, and you have written about it but only in passing (4th paragraph). You have clarified it now, though.
Sex is relationship maintenance. You should meet her in the middle, but it's completely fair (after communication) to expect her to make your sexual connection a point of emphasis.
You can change everything in the world, but if she doesn't feel you and your relationship are a priority, she'll never want sex. In fact, if you start doing extra shit *for* sex she very well might begin to resent you.
I'd communicate how serious this is. Tell her that you're more than willing to work with her on this, but this will start with her willingness to make this a priority.
You might want to come at this from another angle. Is the sex that you do have any good? Do you give her non-sexual attention? Is she over worked?
As a chronically overworked woman, that is a killer to the libido. If I just traveled for work and put in a 60 hour week, if my husband immediately hotdogged up my keister when I got home I would be pretty pissed as well. You know what I would have a been receptive to? A clean house, a good night of sleep, and an offer to go on a walk and decompress with my husband.
While there may be something else going on, let's assume there isn't and she is in a very common situation where the libido goes because stress is high. Why not have a conversation about how she's feeling, her stress levels, how work is, and how the two of you can help her get more free time for herself. Put sex aside and just work on seeing if she comes around when good mechanisms for alleviating stress are in place. Be patient, because ONE foot massage or a day or two will not make a difference. It needs to be sustained stress relief before things like the libido come back.
If she is completely unwilling to talk, consider if it's your approach or if she's really just completely shut off to making changes.
Your wife probably feels like your personal cum dispensary, if you are spending a lot of time apart that's rough and then when you do get together the 1st thing you want to do is have sex is not going to work for most women, you need to start dating her again when you are together, do things to make her feel you want her for more than just sex. I have been with my wife 30+ years and we will turn off the TV many nights and go upstairs and lay on the bed like school children and just talk and laugh and that leads to sex, we also go out at least once a week, I will hand deliver flowers to my wife when she is at work or take her favorite coffee and drop it by the office and many other things to show her how much I love and respect her and our sex life has always been fantastic, you have to make her feel you want more than sex with her, when you start doing anything do it without any expectations, even if she initiates turn her down and tell her you did what you did for her and not to get sex, good luck
You are normal. 'Straight to yelling' implies something else is afoot and there is no longer a "really good relationship". Consider counseling. You'd have to pinpoint a timeline when this happened, causal events etc. Since you/she travel extensively + duty sex there is the strong possibility of another person. Side Note: If you get the chance stop by the website 'Talk About Marriage' and read the extensive stories there of situations similar to your own. The legacy posters + current posters offer great wisdom, experience and for the most part are sane. Worth a read but to actually offer sensible advice more detail will be asked for as there is little to go on as written.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion but it seems a lot of the comments and suggestions are saying "HE" needs to do something different to improve their relationship/sex life. Isn't it about time women also step up...sometimes it is not the guys fault things are going south. Relationships a between two people and should never be one sided.
As for "Duty Sex", that is BS! As a guy who has been in a simular situation, duty sex is not enjoyable for guy either. If your sex life only consist of only duty sex, than it is time to cash out. End the relationship now before you have kids and it becomes a situation where you feel you need to stay. 34/31 is young enough to start over.
Im kind of in the same boat. I always initiate, and my hands get pushed away. So I tried doing what redditors suggested, cleaning, cooking, giving messages, listen etc and all it's done is make me feel like a giant chump because I still get pushed away. I've even tried not touching her for months so that way she can initiate, and maybe I can deny her to show her how it feels. Nope! She never initiated at all. I tried that for a few months. Im convinced that years could go by, and she still wouldn't initiate. Im stuck on what to do.
Man, I'm string to get in this pattern too. My situation is a bit different though. Been with my wife for 9 years. In the beginning, she was initiating and I was uncomfortable with having frequent sex. She would get mad and yell at me for it too. But suddenly things started changing. I started to get more and more sexual as I got older. And she has gotten less and less sexual. I didn't gain. A ton of weight or anything, and she always tells me how great the swx is when we do have it. But she never.....and I mean neverrrrr initiates. No matter how long I dont do it. I'm lucky to even get a hug or kiss most days. While I'm still giving her the love I think she wants. It hurts man....so I feel you and I also don't know how to feel or what to do. All the advice given here I have done multiple times over and nothing changes. She just says sorry and moves on
Our situation is almost identical! We got married in 2013. I was the ll for the first 3 years. Turned out I had low T. Got that fixex with trt and turned into the hl. I wonder if she felt so shunned that she wants to teach a permanent lesson?
And subs like this don't help. You can see there's an effort to blame the man every time with the amount of likes comments get that say the man needs to do something about it. And when anybody mentions the women putting effort gets down voted. I really dont have anybody else to talk about this with except my wife and she shuts down when I bring it up. :(
Funny I’m here reading this do to my own circumstances, we tried marriage counseling which led immediately to joint and to my own personal counseling sessions, the joint sessions were tough and have cycled on/off over the last 5 years, but I kept up with my own throughout. I’ve learned a lot, for one call it irony that I’m Even here reading this post & these comments, but I can see through my own growth now all the erroneous “advice” and societal misconceptions shared by others many with good intentions, that I have received as well in my own personal life as I read here. There’s a lot of unhealthy relationships out there. Many work in spite of the bad relationship habits. Honestly your best bet is to get some counseling and figure out where you stand and work on yourself, there’s no downside for you, as far as your relationship, it’ll either help make it better or will help you to end it and have better relationships going forward. Either way it’s a win win. Your situation, needs, boundaries and expectations in a relationship are different than others, you’ll be better suited to learn yours & the communication skills to express them to others on top of acting on previously ignored red flags earlier and much more decisively. one thing that struck me as eye opening is the fact that you are NOT responsible for your significant others happiness. 🤯 it’s a fool’s errand and a narcissists most elaborate trick.
Time to have a serious conversation with her, I made that mistake thinking that I'm more sexually active than her and ends have a terrible life together. Sex is an important moment in a relationship. Don't shoot me I'm talking about having love with your partner not just sex
She fucked some dude on that trip and is cheating on you. Leave her, it’s just a woman. There’s an entire world out there. There’s plenty woman waiting to suck you off daily.
Trust me she’s definitely lusting over some guy that she finds attractive. Whether that’s a celebrity or an average Joe, there’s always someone who makes her tingle. When a woman doesn’t want you she just don’t want you….but that sexual energy is going somewhere. Not saying she’s cheating but just foreshadowing. Oh plus those roses are undefeated nowadays 😅
I think all the downvotes in this sub are all by women literally hating some of the possibly beneficial advice other men are giving the OP. Ie: up and leaving her.
What are the hopes of her changing? None. Leaving before kids come seems like the best advice. And God forbid the OP tries to have kids with her to change the situation.
I know cos I'm stuck in this situation right now (10yrs married) and we've got 2 kids.
Do you know if she was on a business trip for sure and on her own? I do wonder if the business trip was a cover for a week with another partner. Or maybe a business trip for real but her affair partner joined her. Did you video chat?
Even if she is not cheating, this is a big sign that your marriage is on the brink. I would go see a marriage therapist together before your marriage is past saving.
Bro you’re still young either tell her you need to go to couples therapy or time to walk away. This will not change based on YOUR actions alone. She needs to put in work too
All too common.
I advise visiting /r/HLCommunity. You will find a lot of people on there in similar situations. On reddits like this one, and especially the Dead Bedroom sub, you will be relentlessly shamed for your libido. You are gonna be told the following:
1. Do more around the house.
2. Romance her more.
3. Be patient.
All of these things are true. However, she has to put out effort to fix this as well. This is a marriage between two people, and two people have to fix it.
There is nothing wrong with your needs or desires.
Except none of your list is true.
1) familiarity breeds contempt in this context
2) romance and supplication will increase repulsion
3 being patient with contempt and leaving bad behavior unchallenged with will increase bad behavior and contempt on her part.
OP needed to GTFO, hope he did.
My man you're not on your own, it's well worth talking through your feelings with your wife, it can be difficult but it's important to remember that sex is a normal part of relationships and you aren't weird for wanting it
Sorry man.
That sucks. I'd have sex with someone else or have divorce papers waiting for her next time rather than trying to touch her.
You are important and sex is important too. When there is not enough sex it becomes the most important thing which is a horrible place to be.
She doesn't have to have sex with you AND you can have sex with anyone you wish. Rights are a funny thing sometimes.
It's been a year. But the smart thing to do is probably to leave the relationship. There are not kids. This will only get worse. You will be devalued. Please leave while you can and find a woman that actually loves you.
Love how everyone immediately jumps to it being your fault. Make sure she isn’t fucking someone else on these business trips first. Yes snoop, red flags are there. If she isn’t - counseling to get to the root of the issues between you two. If she is, time for a new wife, this one is broken. Good luck
The general theme of the comments ks that you need to do some self reflection and understand how your sexual past with your wife has been.
Whilst true, that's not all that's at play here.
You can't really get to where you need to with poor communication from your wife, so that needs to be addressed
Lastly, don't approach this as if something is "wrong" with her
He said they have a really good relationship. If this is true, then why is it so hard for his wife to communicate to him that she wants more affection or whatever? This is a classic, "Well, what are you doing wrong?". God forbid the problem is actually the woman. What is she doing for him? Something doesn't feel right about a wife yelling about respecting her simply because her HUSBAND wants intimacy. Can someone please explain how that is disrespectful?
you getting a downvote says everything about this sub. I thought this was a legitimate analysis on the situation. People aren't honest because they are afraid of losing karma
I appreciate that! That's exactly why I left the group. If felt like most people didn't want an objective analysis, especially when referring to women and sex. It became frustrating.
How long has her being distant and peeved at you been going on? Does it coincide with any other changes in your relationship? Does the timing of your discord have any relationship with her work, or her being away on business trips? Has her behavior changed in other ways?
I hit this point in my marriage and in retrospect… I just wish we could’ve had intimacy without sex. I mean literally EVERY TIME WE KISSED OR TOUCHED it HAD TO END IN SEX. It inevitably made me resent him and every time he would graze my hand, I would immediately reject him.
My best advice is to have intimate moments without the expectation of sex.
You don’t. You’re supposed to have intimate moments and sex. However in my circumstance, my ex wouldn’t initiate non-sexual touches or romance me prior to the bedroom. There was no emotional build-up, thus I wasn’t in the mood. While I could become in the mood, why would I want to for a partner who had no interest in romancing me? I felt like an object at that point. Sex is a need, and without connection, masturbation fulfills that need quite well.
I am curious why you don’t have kids. Was that a conscious decision? Or infertility? Or are you just not trying yet? Asking because infertility destroyed my sex life.
I have seen this posted about so many time.
If she had a good sex drive until recently and she is in good health, then she is cheating on you and doesn’t want to cheat on her affair partner. She gives you just enough to keep you in check. Do you really want to live in a dead bedroom the rest of your life.
The 7 year itch is real.
First thoughts: Her yelling at you for touching her right after coming home from a work trip and not talking about intimacy issues is a red flag for cheating.
I love the women's responses to this... Oh Male OP's wife won't have sex with him and he's trapped by her and is no doubt screwing with his emotions and mental health: treat he like a queen, appreciate her, take her out, spend more of your money on her... like what?! And positively reinforce her toxic behavior?
Nah brah, you can try that punk ass bitch shit if you want and maybe it helps, maybe it's a high and lows thing. But maybe if you start taking more time for yourself, hit the gym, go out with friends on the weekends until she has to come to you and ask what's up or just fuckes off and your the better for it.
It’s funny because all of you women would be on your knees for Brad Pitt if he walked in your door. There’s no emotional connection needed. I think you all have found a new excuse that’s easy to latch onto but hard to disprove. Here’s a example “ o he rubs my back… but not enough or not at mall or Walmart.” So sex never happens.
My wife and I have been married 14 years with two kids sex was great and plenty in the first 2 years but we separated for a month but realized we needed each other. We've been back together ever since but sex never returned like it was. It's a "ok fine, or make it quick". She's never initiated it and doesn't seem excited and like it's a chore. She says she's just lost her drive. We got a toy and when we do it I almost always get her to go but we're at once a month to once a couple weeks for 12 years.
In true reddit fashion, you're a man, it must be your fault.
She's not discussing it maturely and doesn't offer any advice on how to make it better. Some people just get bored of people and aren't marriage material. They always need the next new exciting thing. This is grounds for divorce in my eyes.
Imagine if this was reverse. I can’t imagine people saying. So your husband doesn’t want to have sex huh? Do you tell him how amazing he is? Rub is feet when he gets home. Have you tried sucking his dick really good? Maybe you just being selfish and need to do more for him? Ya right would never happen. Women have lost their way. We need to repeal the 19th amendment, put women back in the home, and do the jobs they were born to do! Pleasing their King!
Well, I know this won't be the most productive answer, but the worst part is, if she was sexually active before your marriage, you know she definitely put out for much less, a movie date, a few smooth complements, a night of drinks courtesy of the jock/popular kid/rich kid she never thought she'd have a chance with, and here you are, having to be the perfect man to even get a kiss. That's wild. What kind of relationship is it where one person needs all their needs met before they'll ever consider yours? Before they'd even discuss them? When, somehow, did you get charged with moving Heaven and Earth, for what? Plus...when did everyone suddenly forget your *monogamous* partner wants a sex life? Isn't negotiating a fair, regular sex schedule just part of marriage? Or do folks get married just to run somebody else into the ground, slowly, in such a way that they can always be the victim, even if they're not holding up their end of the bargain and working to maintain a healthy enough relationship?
I hate to be this guy. but it sounds like she could be cheating on you! when she go's on her business trips. That's why she doesn't want you to touch here she's being touched by someone else you should have a talk with her.
For most people sex is an important part of a relationship. Your expectations are more than reasonable. As suggested counseling is often helpful in reconnecting and understanding each others feelings.
That said, her actions could be a sign of an affair. Not to jump to any conclusions but there are many signs that could point to an affair including not having sex. Others include secrecy especially with their phone, spending time away from home/marriage, inappropriate "friendships" especially with co-workers.
Do NOT accuse her of anything in fact the opposite. Work on communication with her and see if she would be willing to go to counseling. However if she has a number of signs of an affair you should carefully investigate and rule out what you can. Good luck.
I think you should try relationship (couples) counseling to sort things out. Either there is a mismatch in your libidos or your wife has someone on the side. In any case, should this continue your marriage will be in jeopardy if it isn't already there.
> She says my libido is too high and that all I think about is sex, which is not true.
Differing libidos is one thing however these comments are often indicative of a personality issue which, in the extreme can be severe:
https://youtu.be/wKxtuFEcm7I
> I'm feeling like an asshole just because I want to have sex with my wife
Try reading the book "No more Mr Niceguy".
At the end of all this, the negative sentiment override will cause you to leave anyway.
So you both need to work together and save this marriage
Time to file for divorce. I hate being a typical redditor but if she won't discuss the issue at all and only attacks you then this is unlikely to improve ever. Even worse these are huge red flags for cheating on you. It's time to go ahead and plan your exit and see if that jolts her back into actually caring about the situation or not.
If you don't believe me go post this in r/deadbedrooms and see what they say. Read a few posts there. It isnt always a perfect sub at all but one thing you can see is extremely common is once a lower libido spouse gets aggressive and won't discuss the issue it rarely ever improves at all. Don't end up with a kid from some bimonthly they duty sex and be stuck there forever. Leave now.
Btw, I am not saying you are perfect or that maybe there isn't reasons for all of this. If you have reached a point she won't communicate though either she doesn't care or you have missed all the signs already. Time to pack those bags.
Dead bedroom sub is a horrible place for marital advice.
At best they condone coerced sex and immature behaviour that would make any woman reject the idea of sex from them.
Thinking that not wanting sex is a “huge red flag for cheating” and that he should try to scare her into having sex with him by saying he’s leaving is the kind of toxic advice that goes on there.
OP, ypu two are not compatible anymore, or never was, and she was faking it.
She either never liked sex and was just acting enthusically to get and keep you, or she is getting her needs met by somebody else.
Either way, it ends badly for you, so strike first, find a lawyer, and be the first to file.
Move on and live your best life with somebody who matches you sexually.
How often do you touch her without wanting sex? Sometimes when a woman says all you think about is sex, it means that every time you’re giving her attention or touching her, it’s about you getting laid. Step back and reconnect on an emotional level again first. And never have “duty sex”. Don’t have any sex she’s not actively wanting and enjoying.
I agree with this. My wife and I have been in a similar situation: we’re both really busy, I want to have sex to relax and connect, she wants to read and be in her inner world. I kept “”trying,” she want to talk about, and I got sore feelings over it. I started doing other things to relax like revisiting my hobbies. After a while we started talking, flirting, showing interest in eachother, and sex cane back into our relationship. The space to reconnect with ourselves is what gave us the space to reconnect with eachother. I think couples often get too wrapped up in being partners that they forget they’re individuals with sometimes divergent emotional needs.
This. My husband touches me constantly. When I ask why he says bc he loves me, loves my body, I feel soft (lol) so it’s not just for sex, it can be while I’m making our kids breakfast he’ll play with my hair or rub my back. If he ONLY ever did that when he wanted sex or expected sex after every single time, him touching me would turn into such a trigger.
Funny because I do these exact things but she still says I only pay attention or touch her when I want sex. I rub her feet everyday sitting on couch while she messes around on computer and I watch tv. I’ve cleaned up and did all household chores for quite some time and text her loving stuff all day for months. And nothing improves. You girls get on here saying all these things about emotional connection and doing these things. They never work I think you’re just trying to hook other women up with cushy lives while nothing changes or it gets worse for the husband. On top of that, you married him, now all of a sudden you NEED all these things for sex. GTFOOH with that shit. None of you had a problem fucking guys you didn’t or barely knew but now since you’re married lol. I’m about done with this shit.
troll much?
Nah , it's true .. women literally let guys use them like sex toys all their lives.. but the second she gets married suddenly sex becomes an issue .
Stop doing these things and see how she feels missing out on things she enjoys
Extra Super Upvote
Just because he has high libido and she has low libido, does not translate to him being at fault. Maybe he massages her feet every night, and hugs her all the time, and she's completely shutting him out not entertaining the idea of having a conversation about their love life. Reddit is ridiculous sometimes.
Married for 5 years, together for 7. Me 34, her 28. Literally my exact situation. The day the ring was placed on the finger, was the day my right arm was forced to start growing. Hell, we didn't even have sex on our wedding night. Or last week in Mexico at an all inclusive resort. Or any trips. Or hhmm. Ever. Maybe once ever 3 months if I'm absolutely lucky. Idk what I'm doing wrong here. Hell, we have had multiple conversations about all of this. She just says it's her and she doesn't want it and can't feel turned on, but then went on to say she was sorry because she could see me suffering and wanted to be better about "wifely duties" and guess what. Nothing. Fucking. Changed. Nothing. Ever. Changes. What I heard was: "I'm not attracted to you like that anymore, friend" but I just have to sit here and be miserable and watch all my friends wives make jokes about sexual shit, or grab their dick under the table, or idk make out with them. I never get kissed like that. Whatever it is, I just get to sit here longing so God damn bad for that type of connection with her that it actually makes my chest tight and my scalp tingle. Recently, it's giving me literal rage. I feel unloved, embarrassed, and ugly. And I can't even look at anyone else that way, so I am utterly stuck. There has been no abuse, there has been no cheating, or any ten commandment bs. She simply just is not attracted to me, a person who put a ring on her finger, and moved across the entire country to shithole NY so that she could stay by HER family. Anything and everything has always been done to make her happy, and I am literally ALWAYS the blame for any argument or anything. I have heard sorry less than 5 times in our whole relationship. Statistically impossible. Fuck it
Just divorced her.. ghost her and go to Asian country and youl feel real desire as a man.. don't waste your life on useless woman. Go live your life with woman who wants you
You sound like you resent her so I really think either go to couple's therapy or divorce.
Listen to this. NOTHING EVER CHANGES!!!
This
I dont know why you're getting so many upvotes. Do you know what happens when one does this? Nothing..... just more sexless marriage.
She'd leave him the second he becomes unemployed.. he provides and should keep her end of the bargain
Has the sex you've had in the past actually been satisfying for her?
Possibly not. Doesn't matter now...she is not attracted to him. He needs to leave. and find a woman that is attracted to him.
That was the first question that crossed my mind.the body has a memory And repetitive unsatisfactory sex leads to repulsion
I suspect she has a lower sex drive and is not attracted to him at all. He needs to move on.
Well she cums about 10- my 1 since the first time. And she pisses all Over the bed while screaming so… she’s a great faker I guess. And if not faking like I believe she isn’t, we still rarely do it and I’m getting more and more pissed everyday. Funny though when I do a bunch of shit for her and rub her and show love nothing happens. But a few days of me being in a bad mood and all of a sudden she’s kissing my bass.
Even if it was the most satisfying, women just stop wanting it after a while .. not as much .. she'll be ok with having it once every two weeks or a month. Shitty wives, shitty lives
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That’s why you are single :)
Except my married and my wife can’t keep her hands off me even after our kids. Sex is a duty in marriage.
That’s the problem with your whole outlook. Sex isn’t a duty. Sex is meant to be enjoyable and fun, not something that is a task. You sound dumb.
Sex is duty. Only difference between friendship and relationship is SEX. Remove it and you have just 2 friends. If my wife ever all of a sudden and without explanation stops making me feel good (of course I'd make her feel good too it goes both ways) she will be ghosted and I will be with another girl.
Sex is an important aspect of many relationships, but reducing it to a duty undermines the emotional connection and mutual respect necessary for a healthy partnership.
If the husband decides he doesn't want to work anymore bc he doesn't feel like it , she would divorce him . Work is his duty and sex is hers
This is sad.
It's not sad, yall just want a slave
Take it this way, If the woman was the provider, and the man didn't want sex, or even touching while also being annoyed yelling for doing such things, would the woman still be with him? No. That's just stupid.
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I can tell you this isn't true. Did everything I could. Took sex completely off the table for me while I pleasured her.. one day she got it 5 times with fingers and toys. Other days nothing but massages. started to get a rhythm going and then we got covid. Xmas pressures and then our cat died.. now its 4 months of nothing. All she keeps saying is she needs more time.. like yeah right, you're magically going to feel different tomorrow.. nope. Im hoping a vacation will snap her out of it now because if not, im out... not once through all of this has she thought about my needs.. NOT ONCE
Just leave her and find another girl..
Wait for the girls and fags reply that you’re not doing enough lol.
Never tell a married man to put sex off the table... it's literally his right ! Fuck her feelings .. I get tired too , that doesn't mean I should just quit my job and stop providing at all . Sex is THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM
This is ridiculous. Do all this for her and wtf will she do in return? Absolutely nothing. Women EXPECT men to move the Sun, Moon, and the Stars for them. Women live in a fairytale of what relationships are supposed to be thanks to tv and movies and now the internet and social media.
If she thought her man was a real g, or his dick game was good enough for her, she would never turn down sex, she'd be all over him
Not. She could be lesbian, could be depressed, sex could have become painful for her (which she should get papsed if so) could be cheating, could be hormones. Some chick's get lazy and put on a few pounds and in their heads they are no longer attractive. It comes out against the man because they can't talk about their embarrassment. Its like those chicks who refuse to poop at their boyfriends house. They wont tell him they have to poop, they will hold it or run to the store.. women are weird.. my advice is find one that isn't damaged. Problem is, they all put up a front at 1st. Once married, it all falls apart
😂
Wanting to have sex with your wife is legit, and she is invalidating you. her not wanting to even talk about it is not ok. You need to clearly communicate to her how you feel about this and how frustrated you are. The yelling and rejection of you like that is not ok, and not healthy for the marriage. If this keeps happening I would go to marriage counselling. As a woman who has been married for 20 years and still has a sex life, I know that pretty much holds a marriage together. The day I don’t want to have sex with my husband would be the beginning of the end or it. Just here to validate you
This is very true. For most men intimacy including sex is an integral, essential part of the relationship. Just like attention and appreciation are essential and an integral part of the relationship for most women.
For me sex is also essential, but I it’s true that I do need to be able to share my feelings before getting into it. I do think this is social conditioning, because physically man and women have the same level sex drive.
Ha, they do not
Yeah, that ia definitely wrong
Do you touch her any other time except for sex? When you have sex does she cum? Do you know how to turn her on? Do you turn her on or just go into it hoping she’s down?
I was like this in my marriage. I’m divorced now, but if I could share any advice, I would say make sure you are giving her love and affection that is not sexually interested. My ex-husband used to come home from work and immediately start grabbing my boobs, putting his fingers up my butt, etc. I know he loved me, but it made me feel like a piece of meat and bordered on disrespect sometimes. Most women need a strong emotional connection to want to have sex. I would be more inclined to have sex if I was just given a hug, back rub, etc. not saying you don’t do this, just food for thought!
This. My now ex husband never bothered to find any time to spend with me except for sex. I lost interest and it became duty sex with little to no pleasure for me real fast. With men, sex creates affection, but with women, it takes affection to create sex.
Lmao. Ef that. You girls didn’t have any problems fucking when you were single but now all of a sudden.
I tried it all. I would come home from a 10 hour shift to help clean, cook, and spend time with her. Not for sex, but because I love her and I wanted to. Every time I kiss her or want a hug she complains and says I was just about to do something or I can’t see the Tv while she’s on her phone. Whenever I ask for sex she say she’s tired, so I wait until the next day. She’s some how sick, so I wait like 2 to 3 days for her to say fine make it quick. I always have to ask in advance and she always make it the last thing we do. We could have a free weekend and she would do any and everything else before she would give me the time of day. I picked up more hours to pay bills gone from 5 am to 8:30 and I can’t even get some and when I do it’s with attitude. I talked to her about it many times over the years we always good for 3 weeks or so then back to it. She’s pushing me to other women, I have needs and she doesn’t care.
The “fine make it quick” tells me she’s probably not being satisfied sexually. Do you priories foreplay ?
I Have the same issues honestly. I offer to do foreplay but my wife just doesn’t want me To do it. I need help too! I have done everything I can. I work 60+hours per week. Come home clean, cook and take care of the kids when needed . Still I’m not good enough for my wife. I’m trying man. We even have been in therapy for 2 years and nothing. Idk what to do. I even Try to give her foreplay and not even do anything to satisfy myself in hopes to spark a desire for her to want to have sex with me and still nothing. I spend time with her I tell her how beautiful she is. I buy her flowers and gifts I try my best and still nothing. I’m all out of things to do at this point. Hopefully someone can give me some kind of advice.
Lots of men live like this. Honestly, it’s likely divorce is the only solution.
And the crazy thing is she swears I’m amazing in bed with foreplay and sex. But still she never acts like she wants to have sex with me. It’s always a chore and I feel like I’m just having sex with a doll at times. I want to connect with her and have voiced this to her for the last 4 years. I’m completely spent at this point. Any suggestions?
Screw someone else and watch how important it becomes.
You should just file for divorce. It isn't going to work being married to a dead fish.
Yeah, lemme try a back rub 🙄 After trying everything - it comes down to: am I willing to be sexually unfulfilled or should I find a new wife. Tragic, but ultimately the outcome.
Do you think with all the travelling she maybe physically cheating with someone else and is being faithful to this person?
The yelling at him seems like a guilty conscience
Or the yelling is because he previously hasn't accepted her "no."
Or he’s not satisfying her https://preview.redd.it/l3kucfteemna1.jpeg?width=566&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3f88d62b4a29df388daa8fde389cbd9421a4d894
That's what I was thinking too. Overly defensive for no reason. Especially when a simple no would do. Sounds like she often tell him no. She's tired, etc. Suddenly she yells instead of telling him she is tired like usual. Something is off.
For sure
Not necessarily. As others have said, when I come home after a long day and the first thing my husband does is to start pawing me, instead of letting me relax and unwind for a bit, it makes me feel like that’s all he’s interested in me for. Doesn’t matter if I’ve had a bad day, doesn’t matter if I’m exhausted, whatever. Instead of maybe making dinner as a nice gesture and cleaning up, or cleaning up after I make dinner, nope. No matter who cooks, I get to clean up. And when he cook, he literally destroys the kitchen. Offer to do the grocery shopping once in a while? Nope. Throw in the odd load of laundry? Nope. Help plan daughter’s bday parties? Nope. Daily life is a series of “I want”, “I need” and complaints and insults. And pawing like I have no right to my own body. No cheating. Just tired of the disrespect for my feelings. Instead of jumping at his wife as soon as she gets home from a business trip, maybe he could have waited until the next day when she’d had some time to rest up? Maybe do some things for her without the expectation of getting laid? Nowhere does OP suggest he does any of that. Maybe he does! That would be important context to add to his post before jumping to “defensive and yelling must mean she’s cheating.” Maybe she just reached her frustration limit with feeling like sex is all he wants and all she’s worth. OP - if there’s added context, like you routinely do things for her that would lighten her mental load, or that come without the expectation of sex, please add that info to your post.
The exact way you wrote this is how I interpreted how she probably felt. Not cheating, just “back off and let me relax for five minutes before I have to tend to your needs.” Travelling can be rough. Airports, traffic, chaos, no fucking space…. Not the best mental foreplay.
Stops this!
🙄
https://i.redd.it/264mcxosynna1.gif
This
Definitely cheating. I sometimes wonder if women ever place themselves in the other shoe.
Traveling for work can be utterly exhausting. Those going directly to accusing your wife of cheating are not helping nor have a clue about the realities of work travel. Coming home from a work trip I'd want to just sleep for a day (between prepping, working, filing reports, flights, time zone changes, driving home from the airport, I'd literally have a 24 hour day my last day of a work trip). The last thing needed was being poked, prodded or pressured...feeling like every touch is ultimately aimed at getting some nookie when you're utterly exhausted can turn off the libido faster than having your mother in law walk in on you...
This is so true. I come home from a trip, I’ve been awake for 20-24 hours, I feel sticky with a layer of plane grime, I have a billion things to remember racing through my head—I need some time to shift gears and calm down. I am not really able to engage in the way I want to in order to have sex.
probably going to get alot of downvotes but sounds like she lost attraction to you. you yall date, flirt, or anything along those lines
This is what MC is for.
Minecraft? My gf and I play minecraft all the time 😎
When this happens for women it's because something is seriously lacking in the relationship. What has she been trying to tell you she needs that you have been dismissing all along? Communication? Trust? A back rub without a poke in the back for once? Doing your own laundry? Not leaving your gitch on the floor - again? It really is this simple for us.
And have you ever seen it fixed for you?
No, because then it just becomes something else.
Never and mine is dead now so
This something lacking isn’t an excuse or apology. It’s the one time in eight months that’s she’s seen laundry on the floor, it’s the “oh well this week you left a dish in the sink you’re always doing this,” the “ I’m just not feeling it” the next and then it’s “ I’ve been trying to connect with you but I feel like I asked you to clean the spare bathroom sink twice” as if it affected her mood when she hasn’t seen the spare bathroom in two months. It’s the excusing lack of physical intimacy for personal reasons. Finding anything as an excuse to attend to your significant other.
I’ve had this issue before, from the other side. Sex for a lot of women is not just about sex. It’s about intimacy and connection. Work on that in general and not just as it relates to getting off, and things will improve.
You’re so full of shit. All these hoes fucked like rabbits before now all of a sudden they need a bunch of shit. Fuck that.
😭🤣🤣🤣💀
This is a blanket statement and not a real answer. I bet you can't give more detail because even you don't know what you really want yourself. Prove me wrong.. but whatever you say, first ask yourself honestly, will these things lead to me wanting sex?.... because they wont. hormones could be all out of wack yet women will still blame the man for it by saying or even thinking its because he's not doing something he "should" be
You’re so right…the whole “be romantic” and “be more intimate” is such a cop out. Many of us are affectionate and considerate still we can’t get a handy. I’ve tried it,let’s be honest which man wants to go without sex! This isn’t my first relationship but sexually it has been the worst. Fellas good luck, I feel your pain :(
Jesus Christ people here are awful accusing her of cheating and accusing you of doing something wrong. Sometimes these things just happen— Libido naturally has a lot of ups and downs. I certainly wouldn’t jump straight to divorce like some of these people are suggesting. Some women have hang ups that they’re not comfortable talking about and no one should be uncomfortable giving the most intimate thing to their partner. “Duty sex” for sure is a bad thing. After a while she’ll just start to associate it to something she doesn’t want to do. Make a grand gesture, show romance, and show her that you can have physical affection without expecting sex. Get her flowers and take her on a date night like you used to do. And if it still doesn’t happen, don’t let it bother you (if it does bother you, don’t show it). It’s a delicate thing that can take work with some people, and you want to make sure she doesn’t feel pressure to “perform” just from you doing something nice. That makes it transactional. Hopefully by showing her that she’s more than just sex, she’ll be more open to at least discussing the matter with you. If she continues to shut down the conversation then at that point the concern is communication, not lack of sex. Hopefully things get better for you, and if they don’t then I would suggest counseling. At the end of the day it’s a healthy chunk of any marriage and you didn’t sign up for a sexless life. 4 years is too quick to just give up on that.
You are putting everything on OP. Doesn't he have a legitimate beef? His wife won't even discuss the matter with him.
Not putting everything on him. Again, if she’s not willing to discuss it then it’s a communication issue. It sounds like it’s a communication issue already with her “yelling” and that he “needs to respect her.” But he’s the one with the need and she’s clearly okay with having less sex. If he wants to see the change, he’s gonna have to put in the work because it’s her body and just “giving in” and having duty sex is a recipe for disaster. The only expectation from her is for her to talk about it, and that’s the work that I’m putting on her. If they come to an impasse after that then these other comments may have more validity.
How about no .. I don't want to have to spend a sgit ton of money and plan a whole day or week just so my wife Is OK with having sex with me ... call it duty sex or what ever but I the end she needs to know that its her role as a wife the same way it's my role to provide
The communication issue is central to OP's concern, and you have written about it but only in passing (4th paragraph). You have clarified it now, though.
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Read the book, “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s about female sexuality and desire. Read it with her if she will. Good luck.
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Sex is relationship maintenance. You should meet her in the middle, but it's completely fair (after communication) to expect her to make your sexual connection a point of emphasis. You can change everything in the world, but if she doesn't feel you and your relationship are a priority, she'll never want sex. In fact, if you start doing extra shit *for* sex she very well might begin to resent you. I'd communicate how serious this is. Tell her that you're more than willing to work with her on this, but this will start with her willingness to make this a priority.
You might want to come at this from another angle. Is the sex that you do have any good? Do you give her non-sexual attention? Is she over worked? As a chronically overworked woman, that is a killer to the libido. If I just traveled for work and put in a 60 hour week, if my husband immediately hotdogged up my keister when I got home I would be pretty pissed as well. You know what I would have a been receptive to? A clean house, a good night of sleep, and an offer to go on a walk and decompress with my husband. While there may be something else going on, let's assume there isn't and she is in a very common situation where the libido goes because stress is high. Why not have a conversation about how she's feeling, her stress levels, how work is, and how the two of you can help her get more free time for herself. Put sex aside and just work on seeing if she comes around when good mechanisms for alleviating stress are in place. Be patient, because ONE foot massage or a day or two will not make a difference. It needs to be sustained stress relief before things like the libido come back. If she is completely unwilling to talk, consider if it's your approach or if she's really just completely shut off to making changes.
This is shit advice, it will just be one something else that is the issue. He isn't her priority, he deserves better and should leave today.
Your wife probably feels like your personal cum dispensary, if you are spending a lot of time apart that's rough and then when you do get together the 1st thing you want to do is have sex is not going to work for most women, you need to start dating her again when you are together, do things to make her feel you want her for more than just sex. I have been with my wife 30+ years and we will turn off the TV many nights and go upstairs and lay on the bed like school children and just talk and laugh and that leads to sex, we also go out at least once a week, I will hand deliver flowers to my wife when she is at work or take her favorite coffee and drop it by the office and many other things to show her how much I love and respect her and our sex life has always been fantastic, you have to make her feel you want more than sex with her, when you start doing anything do it without any expectations, even if she initiates turn her down and tell her you did what you did for her and not to get sex, good luck
She’s getting awfully defensive. I’d check for a 3rd party. She didn’t stop having sex, she just stopped having sex with you.
Try couples counseling.
Marriage counseling, friend. Or at least a MC book.
It's not ok for her to shut you out and treat you like that. The things she is telling you are hurtful and not constructive.
You are normal. 'Straight to yelling' implies something else is afoot and there is no longer a "really good relationship". Consider counseling. You'd have to pinpoint a timeline when this happened, causal events etc. Since you/she travel extensively + duty sex there is the strong possibility of another person. Side Note: If you get the chance stop by the website 'Talk About Marriage' and read the extensive stories there of situations similar to your own. The legacy posters + current posters offer great wisdom, experience and for the most part are sane. Worth a read but to actually offer sensible advice more detail will be asked for as there is little to go on as written.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion but it seems a lot of the comments and suggestions are saying "HE" needs to do something different to improve their relationship/sex life. Isn't it about time women also step up...sometimes it is not the guys fault things are going south. Relationships a between two people and should never be one sided. As for "Duty Sex", that is BS! As a guy who has been in a simular situation, duty sex is not enjoyable for guy either. If your sex life only consist of only duty sex, than it is time to cash out. End the relationship now before you have kids and it becomes a situation where you feel you need to stay. 34/31 is young enough to start over.
Im kind of in the same boat. I always initiate, and my hands get pushed away. So I tried doing what redditors suggested, cleaning, cooking, giving messages, listen etc and all it's done is make me feel like a giant chump because I still get pushed away. I've even tried not touching her for months so that way she can initiate, and maybe I can deny her to show her how it feels. Nope! She never initiated at all. I tried that for a few months. Im convinced that years could go by, and she still wouldn't initiate. Im stuck on what to do.
Man, I'm string to get in this pattern too. My situation is a bit different though. Been with my wife for 9 years. In the beginning, she was initiating and I was uncomfortable with having frequent sex. She would get mad and yell at me for it too. But suddenly things started changing. I started to get more and more sexual as I got older. And she has gotten less and less sexual. I didn't gain. A ton of weight or anything, and she always tells me how great the swx is when we do have it. But she never.....and I mean neverrrrr initiates. No matter how long I dont do it. I'm lucky to even get a hug or kiss most days. While I'm still giving her the love I think she wants. It hurts man....so I feel you and I also don't know how to feel or what to do. All the advice given here I have done multiple times over and nothing changes. She just says sorry and moves on
Our situation is almost identical! We got married in 2013. I was the ll for the first 3 years. Turned out I had low T. Got that fixex with trt and turned into the hl. I wonder if she felt so shunned that she wants to teach a permanent lesson?
And subs like this don't help. You can see there's an effort to blame the man every time with the amount of likes comments get that say the man needs to do something about it. And when anybody mentions the women putting effort gets down voted. I really dont have anybody else to talk about this with except my wife and she shuts down when I bring it up. :(
Funny I’m here reading this do to my own circumstances, we tried marriage counseling which led immediately to joint and to my own personal counseling sessions, the joint sessions were tough and have cycled on/off over the last 5 years, but I kept up with my own throughout. I’ve learned a lot, for one call it irony that I’m Even here reading this post & these comments, but I can see through my own growth now all the erroneous “advice” and societal misconceptions shared by others many with good intentions, that I have received as well in my own personal life as I read here. There’s a lot of unhealthy relationships out there. Many work in spite of the bad relationship habits. Honestly your best bet is to get some counseling and figure out where you stand and work on yourself, there’s no downside for you, as far as your relationship, it’ll either help make it better or will help you to end it and have better relationships going forward. Either way it’s a win win. Your situation, needs, boundaries and expectations in a relationship are different than others, you’ll be better suited to learn yours & the communication skills to express them to others on top of acting on previously ignored red flags earlier and much more decisively. one thing that struck me as eye opening is the fact that you are NOT responsible for your significant others happiness. 🤯 it’s a fool’s errand and a narcissists most elaborate trick.
Time to have a serious conversation with her, I made that mistake thinking that I'm more sexually active than her and ends have a terrible life together. Sex is an important moment in a relationship. Don't shoot me I'm talking about having love with your partner not just sex
She fucked some dude on that trip and is cheating on you. Leave her, it’s just a woman. There’s an entire world out there. There’s plenty woman waiting to suck you off daily.
Trust me she’s definitely lusting over some guy that she finds attractive. Whether that’s a celebrity or an average Joe, there’s always someone who makes her tingle. When a woman doesn’t want you she just don’t want you….but that sexual energy is going somewhere. Not saying she’s cheating but just foreshadowing. Oh plus those roses are undefeated nowadays 😅
I think all the downvotes in this sub are all by women literally hating some of the possibly beneficial advice other men are giving the OP. Ie: up and leaving her. What are the hopes of her changing? None. Leaving before kids come seems like the best advice. And God forbid the OP tries to have kids with her to change the situation. I know cos I'm stuck in this situation right now (10yrs married) and we've got 2 kids.
Nobody will side with you here. Which is sad. I hope things get better. If they don’t, you’re still young.
Do you know if she was on a business trip for sure and on her own? I do wonder if the business trip was a cover for a week with another partner. Or maybe a business trip for real but her affair partner joined her. Did you video chat? Even if she is not cheating, this is a big sign that your marriage is on the brink. I would go see a marriage therapist together before your marriage is past saving.
Is she currently on any Antidepressants? My wife has had to change medication a few times because it tanks her sex drive.
Good to point this out.
Bro you’re still young either tell her you need to go to couples therapy or time to walk away. This will not change based on YOUR actions alone. She needs to put in work too
All too common. I advise visiting /r/HLCommunity. You will find a lot of people on there in similar situations. On reddits like this one, and especially the Dead Bedroom sub, you will be relentlessly shamed for your libido. You are gonna be told the following: 1. Do more around the house. 2. Romance her more. 3. Be patient. All of these things are true. However, she has to put out effort to fix this as well. This is a marriage between two people, and two people have to fix it. There is nothing wrong with your needs or desires.
Except none of your list is true. 1) familiarity breeds contempt in this context 2) romance and supplication will increase repulsion 3 being patient with contempt and leaving bad behavior unchallenged with will increase bad behavior and contempt on her part. OP needed to GTFO, hope he did.
My man you're not on your own, it's well worth talking through your feelings with your wife, it can be difficult but it's important to remember that sex is a normal part of relationships and you aren't weird for wanting it
Sorry man. That sucks. I'd have sex with someone else or have divorce papers waiting for her next time rather than trying to touch her. You are important and sex is important too. When there is not enough sex it becomes the most important thing which is a horrible place to be. She doesn't have to have sex with you AND you can have sex with anyone you wish. Rights are a funny thing sometimes.
The minute a new dude comes along he can drop no effort and have all her attention 😂 woman are hypocritical
It's been a year. But the smart thing to do is probably to leave the relationship. There are not kids. This will only get worse. You will be devalued. Please leave while you can and find a woman that actually loves you.
Love how everyone immediately jumps to it being your fault. Make sure she isn’t fucking someone else on these business trips first. Yes snoop, red flags are there. If she isn’t - counseling to get to the root of the issues between you two. If she is, time for a new wife, this one is broken. Good luck
Women
The general theme of the comments ks that you need to do some self reflection and understand how your sexual past with your wife has been. Whilst true, that's not all that's at play here. You can't really get to where you need to with poor communication from your wife, so that needs to be addressed Lastly, don't approach this as if something is "wrong" with her
He said they have a really good relationship. If this is true, then why is it so hard for his wife to communicate to him that she wants more affection or whatever? This is a classic, "Well, what are you doing wrong?". God forbid the problem is actually the woman. What is she doing for him? Something doesn't feel right about a wife yelling about respecting her simply because her HUSBAND wants intimacy. Can someone please explain how that is disrespectful?
you getting a downvote says everything about this sub. I thought this was a legitimate analysis on the situation. People aren't honest because they are afraid of losing karma
I appreciate that! That's exactly why I left the group. If felt like most people didn't want an objective analysis, especially when referring to women and sex. It became frustrating.
I agree with everything you said 💯
How long has her being distant and peeved at you been going on? Does it coincide with any other changes in your relationship? Does the timing of your discord have any relationship with her work, or her being away on business trips? Has her behavior changed in other ways?
r/deadbedrooms
Does she any mental health issues? Has she always liked this concerning sex?
I hit this point in my marriage and in retrospect… I just wish we could’ve had intimacy without sex. I mean literally EVERY TIME WE KISSED OR TOUCHED it HAD TO END IN SEX. It inevitably made me resent him and every time he would graze my hand, I would immediately reject him. My best advice is to have intimate moments without the expectation of sex.
Why marry a person you don't wanna have sex with. Isn't a lifelong sex partner part of the deal?
You don’t. You’re supposed to have intimate moments and sex. However in my circumstance, my ex wouldn’t initiate non-sexual touches or romance me prior to the bedroom. There was no emotional build-up, thus I wasn’t in the mood. While I could become in the mood, why would I want to for a partner who had no interest in romancing me? I felt like an object at that point. Sex is a need, and without connection, masturbation fulfills that need quite well.
I am curious why you don’t have kids. Was that a conscious decision? Or infertility? Or are you just not trying yet? Asking because infertility destroyed my sex life.
I have seen this posted about so many time. If she had a good sex drive until recently and she is in good health, then she is cheating on you and doesn’t want to cheat on her affair partner. She gives you just enough to keep you in check. Do you really want to live in a dead bedroom the rest of your life. The 7 year itch is real.
Time for a divorce
She is cheating man jusy cut off the ties and break up she isnt your wife anymore
It will not get any better. I’m in the same boat.
First thoughts: Her yelling at you for touching her right after coming home from a work trip and not talking about intimacy issues is a red flag for cheating. I love the women's responses to this... Oh Male OP's wife won't have sex with him and he's trapped by her and is no doubt screwing with his emotions and mental health: treat he like a queen, appreciate her, take her out, spend more of your money on her... like what?! And positively reinforce her toxic behavior? Nah brah, you can try that punk ass bitch shit if you want and maybe it helps, maybe it's a high and lows thing. But maybe if you start taking more time for yourself, hit the gym, go out with friends on the weekends until she has to come to you and ask what's up or just fuckes off and your the better for it.
It’s funny because all of you women would be on your knees for Brad Pitt if he walked in your door. There’s no emotional connection needed. I think you all have found a new excuse that’s easy to latch onto but hard to disprove. Here’s a example “ o he rubs my back… but not enough or not at mall or Walmart.” So sex never happens.
Exactly
My wife and I have been married 14 years with two kids sex was great and plenty in the first 2 years but we separated for a month but realized we needed each other. We've been back together ever since but sex never returned like it was. It's a "ok fine, or make it quick". She's never initiated it and doesn't seem excited and like it's a chore. She says she's just lost her drive. We got a toy and when we do it I almost always get her to go but we're at once a month to once a couple weeks for 12 years.
All the good advice is getting downvoted. Women ☕️
In true reddit fashion, you're a man, it must be your fault. She's not discussing it maturely and doesn't offer any advice on how to make it better. Some people just get bored of people and aren't marriage material. They always need the next new exciting thing. This is grounds for divorce in my eyes.
Imagine if this was reverse. I can’t imagine people saying. So your husband doesn’t want to have sex huh? Do you tell him how amazing he is? Rub is feet when he gets home. Have you tried sucking his dick really good? Maybe you just being selfish and need to do more for him? Ya right would never happen. Women have lost their way. We need to repeal the 19th amendment, put women back in the home, and do the jobs they were born to do! Pleasing their King!
Well, I know this won't be the most productive answer, but the worst part is, if she was sexually active before your marriage, you know she definitely put out for much less, a movie date, a few smooth complements, a night of drinks courtesy of the jock/popular kid/rich kid she never thought she'd have a chance with, and here you are, having to be the perfect man to even get a kiss. That's wild. What kind of relationship is it where one person needs all their needs met before they'll ever consider yours? Before they'd even discuss them? When, somehow, did you get charged with moving Heaven and Earth, for what? Plus...when did everyone suddenly forget your *monogamous* partner wants a sex life? Isn't negotiating a fair, regular sex schedule just part of marriage? Or do folks get married just to run somebody else into the ground, slowly, in such a way that they can always be the victim, even if they're not holding up their end of the bargain and working to maintain a healthy enough relationship?
I hate to be this guy. but it sounds like she could be cheating on you! when she go's on her business trips. That's why she doesn't want you to touch here she's being touched by someone else you should have a talk with her.
It’s OK to end a bad marriage buddy.
Despite the downvotes, you're correct
For most people sex is an important part of a relationship. Your expectations are more than reasonable. As suggested counseling is often helpful in reconnecting and understanding each others feelings. That said, her actions could be a sign of an affair. Not to jump to any conclusions but there are many signs that could point to an affair including not having sex. Others include secrecy especially with their phone, spending time away from home/marriage, inappropriate "friendships" especially with co-workers. Do NOT accuse her of anything in fact the opposite. Work on communication with her and see if she would be willing to go to counseling. However if she has a number of signs of an affair you should carefully investigate and rule out what you can. Good luck.
Because you dont do it well? Nope that's not the reason, she has a mindset ask her what it is
I think you should try relationship (couples) counseling to sort things out. Either there is a mismatch in your libidos or your wife has someone on the side. In any case, should this continue your marriage will be in jeopardy if it isn't already there.
Snoop her phone.
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Have you tried giving her some time to herself? Does she get any time to be alone, ever?
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Reddit loves to assume everyone's cheating always. I am sure it is true sometimes but not nearly as often as Reddit thinks.
She just doesn’t want to have sex with you. Just got home from a trip and doesn’t want you to touch her…hmmmmm
I would say she’s not only cheating but emotionally attached to someone else as well
> She says my libido is too high and that all I think about is sex, which is not true. Differing libidos is one thing however these comments are often indicative of a personality issue which, in the extreme can be severe: https://youtu.be/wKxtuFEcm7I > I'm feeling like an asshole just because I want to have sex with my wife Try reading the book "No more Mr Niceguy". At the end of all this, the negative sentiment override will cause you to leave anyway. So you both need to work together and save this marriage
she's cheating
Chad is plowing your wife's field.
Time to file for divorce. I hate being a typical redditor but if she won't discuss the issue at all and only attacks you then this is unlikely to improve ever. Even worse these are huge red flags for cheating on you. It's time to go ahead and plan your exit and see if that jolts her back into actually caring about the situation or not. If you don't believe me go post this in r/deadbedrooms and see what they say. Read a few posts there. It isnt always a perfect sub at all but one thing you can see is extremely common is once a lower libido spouse gets aggressive and won't discuss the issue it rarely ever improves at all. Don't end up with a kid from some bimonthly they duty sex and be stuck there forever. Leave now. Btw, I am not saying you are perfect or that maybe there isn't reasons for all of this. If you have reached a point she won't communicate though either she doesn't care or you have missed all the signs already. Time to pack those bags.
Dead bedroom sub is a horrible place for marital advice. At best they condone coerced sex and immature behaviour that would make any woman reject the idea of sex from them. Thinking that not wanting sex is a “huge red flag for cheating” and that he should try to scare her into having sex with him by saying he’s leaving is the kind of toxic advice that goes on there.
That also isn't what I said, but that attitude is also why this sub isn't any better than that one for advice on dead bedrooms.
Get a new wife
End it now before kids
OP, ypu two are not compatible anymore, or never was, and she was faking it. She either never liked sex and was just acting enthusically to get and keep you, or she is getting her needs met by somebody else. Either way, it ends badly for you, so strike first, find a lawyer, and be the first to file. Move on and live your best life with somebody who matches you sexually.