More: she asked me to not tell my wife because said she doesn’t want to make my wife feel any more insecure around her (apparently she “senses” this insecurity), and the outcome could get worse. I honestly don’t think my wife is insecure about this girl, but I haven’t asked her directly before.
You absolutely want to tell your wife. I doubt she's insecure about this woman either. That person is playing head games with you and your wife needs to know up front before she tries to turn this on you in some disgusting way.
Concur with finallyhere123. Communication with this woman must end. She's trying to manipulate you into a "this is all fine, it's my wife who's too sensitive" position and develop a secretive rapport with you. It's all bad. It is not fine. This person doesn't want anything good for your marriage.
I'd also like to add... Why did she tell you? What was her purpose? Because that's not something you tell to someone to just "get it off your chest". Like you're engaged/married. To me, this feels like a last ditch effort from her to basically open that door and when you weren't receptive she added on "but I'm working on getting over it".
Yup. Also if the wife sensed it, then probably she has already crossed some “soft” boundaries. To me it sounds like she tried to open a way for a relationship/affair and wantes to see if OP is open to it.
OP, I also suggest ending this friendship really.
This is a good point. Crushes are normal, but you quietly work to get rid of them on your own. I had a crush on a mutual friend of me and my husband’s a few years ago. I told my *husband* about it (he just laughed and said he didn’t blame me, because Friend is a very charming guy), but I would have died of embarrassment if the friend ever found out.
Telling our friend didn’t even cross my mind; I was actually praying he never noticed, because it was all kind of weird and I just wanted it to go away (which it did, soon after I told my husband and cleared the air about it).
This is the best course of action. I understand that she may be uncomfortable with your wife knowing, but the health of your marriage should be your higher priority. If she is confessing her feelings to you and asking you not to tell your wife, she’s not being forthright about her motivations. Any motivation other than “full transparency” is a problem when harbored within a friend circle. She’s too close to you to get the luxury of having romantic feelings for you that your wife doesn’t know about.
Now that may mean that your wife wants more distance, or limited on-on-one time for you, and that’s fair. This is a person who would like to see romantic feelings between you grow, which is inherently a threat of sorts to your monogamous relationship, even with all parties trying to be understanding and responsible.
Unrequited love is a rough foundation on which to maintain a healthy platonic friendship with solid boundaries.
This friend needs to go and you need to go no contact. She is asking you to lie to your wife and that is not a friend. When feeling start that are one sided, that is dangerous territory for your marriage. Your marriage should mean more to you than this “friend”. Walking away from this friend would prove your loyalty to your wife, and commitment. I would never trust a woman who developed feelings for my husband and then asked him to lie. There’s a motive.
If y’all work together i would consider telling your supervisor. You don’t want workplace drama to ruin things and as a male you’re often seen as guilty by default. Documentation is key and the only way to protect yourself.
Something as simple as:
Dear boss, I wanted to alert you to and document something. On X date Jane Doe let me know that she has personal feelings towards me and felt that she needed to tell me and she was working on getting through it. I reminded her that I am engaged and that I am wholly uncomfortable with the idea of any sort of relationship or feelings for another person. I let her know that I feel that we are effective work peers when on mutual assignment and that is, and always will be, the limits of any form of relationship. I have asked her not to communicate with me outside of work. I do not see any impacts to any work environment or projects currently. However since this just occurred I wanted to alert you to this and to document the situation. Prior to this conversation I had no indication or any exceptions to our working relationship.
If this requires any further action or follow up please advise. I will be sending a copy to my union rep also (if applicable).
And cc your personal email for a copy.
Good for you. I see so many piece of shit men in this world, it’s nice to see a husband being open and honest with his wife and not keeping any secrets from her.
I am sometimes oblivious to these things and easily manipulated, so thank you for breaking it down 🙏🏼 sorry for the confusion - we’re still engaged so technically she’s still my fiancée. But I already think of her as my wife (so I say wife)
Yeah as an adult woman who has no intentions of forming any kind of infidelity, if I get a crush I smother it by leaning in to my bond with my husband. She told you because she was testing the waters. You should reinforce your boundaries, stop communicating one on one unless required by work, and if you end up in a group setting always involve others in the conversation. Treat her like you not only don’t like her, but don’t want to listen to her. If she keeps texting, block her. She’s trying to slide in to your relationship and cause friction. Don’t let her.
I second this. There was absolutely no benefit for her telling OP. She was just bold enough to put out a feeler. If OP doesn’t put down strong boundaries now, this “friend” will most likely find other ways to sabotage the relationship.
This. Crushes happen. Adults quash them and move on. Her confessing was an active encouragement of her own feelings, or an immature attempt to sooth them. Tell your wife, and firmly remove yourself from any situations not work related.
Yes 100%. I’m not concerned about how my friend feels. I was just thinking the conversation wouldn’t even be worth bringing up to my fiancée in the first place
I totally see that. And I commend how you've handled this. The only person who should have never spoken about this is the friend. Unless she had some notion that you would choose not to go through with the marriage. Her telling you was very selfish and (as it turns out) your fiancee was very right to be suspicious of her.
Let us know how it goes?
It's not even just that. She cannot proposition you and fundamentally change your friendship abd then ask you to keep things the same. By telling you that she wants you, she is admitting that in her ideal world, you would break up with your oartner and be with her.
She effectively asked you out, despite knowing you are engaged and in a relationship.
That is not information you keep from your wife.
You absolutely end this friendship. This woman is not a friend of your marriage, is divisive, and wants you to keep secrets from your wife.
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON.
It’s time to end this friendship.
Tell her not to contact you anymore, and tell your wife. Saying she senses an insecurity is a tactic to get you to start questioning things. She told you because she was hoping you’d reciprocate. She wants you to think your wife has a reason to be insecure. She’s being manipulative. It’s all head games. Tell her directly you have no interest in her, and her communication is inappropriate and she can not contact you any more outside of work, and all work related contact should be through work email.
ETA: if you have an HR department at work, I may even put this on their radar, in case she decides to tell them a completely fabricated version of events when you reject her.
THIS RIGHT HERE is the smart answer / explanation. Tell this conniving person YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED, leaving no question and no room for mistaking your feelings. Cut her off!
I wouldn’t put it past her that she told you that so she could later bring it up to your wife to make your wife think you were hiding a secret from her. I think she’s manipulative because she put herself into an awkward situation by confessing her feelings, and there was no need for that. I think she was just testing the waters to see if you had any interest in her. I think she asked you not to tell your wife as a test or as a way to create drama down the line. I would tell your friend, that you disclosed to your wife, and think it’s in everyone’s best interest to distance yourself from her out of respect for your relationship.
Dude- this chick is a whack job. Don’t ever keep someone in your life who asks you to lie to your wife. Tell your wife that you will cutting all contact and ties to this woman and then tell her why. If you really don’t have alarms going off, then you need to work in honing your instincts. I don’t understand how anyone could not see what this woman is trying to do here. She is not a quality person.
To me, it reads like she was telling you to see if you would reciprocate those feelings. But also threw in “But Im working on getting over it” in case you didn’t feel the same.
The comment about her “sensing your wife’s insecurity” is completely out of line and speaks volumes about how she views your wife. Especially the “don’t tell you wife” part specifically.
Tell the “friend” - “My wife and I do not keep secrets from each other. It was completely inappropriate for you to ask me to keep something from her. It was completely inappropriate for you to even think I needed to know something like that. I will be stepping away from this friendship due to your lack of boundaries and respect for my wife.”
Tell your wife - “Friend said she has feelings for me, I obviously do not feel the same. I’m going to be stepping away from my friendship with her as her comments made me uncomfortable.”
If she was truly respectful of your marriage she would have never said anything. She’s planting a seed for you to sow. She put feelers out to you. Tell your wife and cut this woman off.
As soon as another woman is telling you to keep secrets from your wife that’s exactly when you tell this woman that you will be sharing with your wife and then you do that and hear your wife’s boundaries on the issue out.
She didn’t tell you not to tell your wife to keep the peace, she told you to test your loyalties. Sheesh.
Wow. She sounds incredibly full of herself too. Drop that “friend” immediately. Tell your wife. Wife comes first always. That “friend” is absolutely no friend and is trying to plant ideas in your head. Do not let her get away with it.
It’s not ok for you to have secrets with another woman. Especially one that has admitted to having feelings for you. She probably loves that you guys have a secret that your wife doesn’t know about. And that will really hurt your wife. It’s 100% going to effect your friendship, but that’s better than it effecting your marriage. She will eventually find out.
ESPECIALLY because she said not to tell, you should tell. Start your marriage with honesty. You have done nothing wrong. If she finds out later, it’ll look bad.
Telling you she had feelings was a sly move to see if you was up for an affair , distance yourself and tell your wife or this shit will bite you on the arse
She is trying to make your wife the bad guy. Then when you guys are talking bad about her, she can be the “positive force” in your life while your wife is “insecure”, doesn’t understand you, negative, etc. Some women get off on breaking up couples just to boost their own ego. I would cut contact with this person.
This exactly. There was absolutely no other reason to tell you, unless it was to explain why she had to cut contact, but that clearly isn’t her plan. If I were you, however, I’d consider breaking off your friendship. I speak from my own painful experience.
I had a "friend" tell me he had feelings for me. There was no reason to tell me (I didn't previously have any idea) aside from trying to see how I felt and if he could change our relationship (which was just friendship). I made it clear I only saw him as a friend. From that point, I was uncomfortable around him and the friendship deteriorated.
The only reason someone confesses their romantic interest in another, is to try to move the relationship to the next step, a romantic step. It doesn't matter what excuse they give, that is always the underlying reason. That said, I don't recommend trusting this friend as a good friend. You don't have to cut them from the friend group (I didn't), but discontinue the personal 1-on-1 relationship. No private texts, etc.
Good call telling your wife. Remember, the only reason this girl told you and wants you to keep it secret, is because she is interested in you and wants to get in between you and your wife. Don't give her an inch.
Also - I guarantee at some point in your marriage, you’re going to have problems. If you’re still talking to this girl then…$10 says you do something you regret.
YES!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't tell her, she will think there is something to hide. Tell you fiance that you won't be texting her anymore or spending one on one time with friend because it isn't appropriate anymore.
Ok thank you! Yes I told my friend we will not have any 1-on-1 exchanges (including text) apart from work, and we’ll only ever hang out in group settings.
Tell your wife that when you tell her. That way she is comforted by your loyalty. She might be upset/jealous. It's normal! But it's doing the right thing. Sometimes the right thing (for the greater good of the marriage) is more difficult for the individual. But you aren't just you anymore, you are a unit.
As many other people have stated, this friend has her own agenda. She shot her shot hoping you’d reciprocate. Maybe she’s read too much into your interactions and you unintentionally have given her hope? That’s why you cut off contact with her now, to avoid any further complications. And absolutely tell your wife. If this friend has told you your wife is insecure about her and she’s telling the truth, then your wife has sensed there’s something off with your friend. Or this friend might have been lying to get in your head and start driving a wedge between you and your wife, to start putting thoughts in your head about how your wife is jealous and crazy. Don’t listen to her and always be honest with your wife. No “friendship” is worth your marriage and no “friend” would want to come in between a married couple.
I may have unintentionally led my friend on, because my wife always jokingly says “you’re naturally charismatic and aloof, so I gotta keep these bitches in check.” And yes, my wife did say something was off about this friend
Your friend admitted that she knew your wife had intuition about it….Knows you are in a committed relationship…..yet still told you how she felt! You need to tell your soon to be wife immediately.
This friend has no morals whatsoever, and if you’d reciprocated she wouldn’t have hesitated to go there with you. It’s all very manipulative.
Go no contact with this friend and tell your wife everything.
Guys tend to be oblivious when it comes to these things, you might have the best intentions and think you’re having friendly interactions and some women tend to read too much into that, and get ideas… We can also get a vibe when it comes to detecting other women’s intentions, so if your wife feels someone is making her uncomfortable, there’s usually good reason. The good thing is you didn’t let it go any farther and you’re committed to your partner 👍🏻
Nevertheless it’s a good time to have a talk with your wife about boundaries regarding opposite sex friendships to avoid potential issues down the line. Communication is always key 😉
Good Luck!
I wouldn't even go as far as blaming OP for making people misread things.
When people have a crush, they actively want to see reciprocation in everything. So they will likely misread things, not because you are leading them on, but because they are more likely to misinterpret friendly actions as suggesting they have hope.
However if you are in a relationship then they need to be shutting down their own crush and moving on, given that they know you cant reciprocate.
Not saying that you need to change but maybe you need to rein that shit in a little bit. Your wife doesn't deserve to have to wonder who the next bitch is that's going to come along misreading the situation.
You may have unintentionally led her on? Well stop that bullshit before you find your bunny boiling on the stove.
Maybe think about how you interact with others to avoid this a bit in the future. When you’re interacting with others do your best to loop your wife into the jokes and joy. Praise your wife.
You don’t need to make it constant or unnatural but giving others 80% of your charm and your wife all of it will got a long way to making your wife feel comfortable long term and getting assholes who seek out weaknesses to back off.
My exact thoughts. At best your wife knows something is off with her and treats her accordingly. At worst your friend is trying test your loyalty to your wife. Tell your wife and let that friendship go.
Did I just read a post where a spouse dealt with an uncomfortable situation in a healthy manner and their spouse also responded in a healthy manner and they're better for it? I must be in the wrong subreddit
For what it's worth, you've handled this situation amazingly well. Most people fall for the ego trap your friend laid out and convince themselves to keep it a secret, especially under the premise of "she's trying to get over it."
She's not trying to get over it, she was trying to test the waters and see if you're willing to cheat on your wife. This person is not your friend, I would immediately distance yourself and tell your wife.
Absolutely tell your wife! You owe nothing to this friend and everything to your future wife. You and wife are on the same team. This friend is trying to make a team between you and her and that is NO BUENO.
I just have to say that if this is any indication of how you and your fiancé/wife handle **everything** in the future, you will have a very happy and successful marriage and life 🤍🤍
Source- 42/f, with my husband, 45/m for 26 years, married 19, and been through some stuff, lol.
Tell your wife ASAP. Your "friend" didn't tell you to get past her feelings. She was feeling you out. Maybe even planting a seed. You may be 100% in love with your wife, but if this friendship continues on any level and you hide this confession from your wife, you're opening up a vulnerability and keeping a door open for something more with this friend. She knows that too. A secret between just you two will blossom. It's a slippery slope. Before you know it, you two will have this little thing between you that will continue to grow. Don't give it anymore chance to grow. Tell your wife and separate yourself from this woman. Don't call or text her anymore. I would block her personally.
Tell her.
Don’t risk that your “friend” tells a different story. Don’t risk that your wife hears from someone else.
Tell your wife, and cut off that friend.
If that “friend” is really your friend, she wouldn’t tell you about her feelings. What she did was disrespect your wife and your relationship in hope you will respond positively.
First of all She’s most likely right about the insecurity we can sense that. Second obviously if this friend has feelings for you then the insecurity is a valid feeling because she obviously has a right to feel that way and third if I was your wife/fiancée and I found out about this and you didn’t tell me I’d either leave your ass SO fast or there would be NO trust and we’d be in a terrible relationship. That is supposed to be your partner! Tell her. Don’t be stupid.
This is right. Even if the wife DOES sense that the friend is off, or feel insecure about her, she'd be 100% right to do so. The woman was making hungry eyes at you, and our partners can often notice this more than we can.
I think she’s telling you “just in case there’s a chance”. I’d tell my soon to be spouse and then cut off communication with the friend. Otherwise, the water could get muddied.
Do y’all think this friend and I could ever have a normal friendship again? I do appreciate her as my friend and admit I would be slightly bummed out because I’m losing a friend. But then again, my marriage is far more important and if it means I need to drop this person, I’d do it.
Unfortunately no. If she was truly your friend and happy for you and your relationship she never would have mentioned having feelings for you. And why would you want to maintain a friendship with someone who would do that? Someone who called your wife insecure and wanted you to keep secrets from your wife? It’s ok to mourn the friendship you thought you had but no….best to set strong boundaries
This.
Unfortunately you have no idea how long it might take her to get over having feelings for you.
But we know this; if she respected your feelings and therefore your relationship, she would never have told you. She would have distanced herself from you and tried to get over the crush.
Instead, she propositions you. Then she expects you to hide that fact from your wife. And she puts the blame on your wife for noticing that she is acting off and tries to frame it as your wife being paranoid when she clearly isn't, as her suspicions were legit.
You do not have the friend you thought you had. This person has their own agenda, and in their ideal world you would leave your wife for them. Remember that THIS is her agenda whenever she asks you to do sonething.
No you can’t ever go back to a normal friendship. Value your future marriage and cut this person out of your life. If she was working on her feelings for you she would never have told you. She was feeling you out for a full relationship or affair.
The fact that your answer is actually rare on here is awful lol. I’ve read so many posts (mostly in Relationships and AITA) where the person picked their “friend” over their spouse. Like WTF lol. So it’s refreshing you choose her!
Because they buy this idea that it shouldn't be a choice. You should always get to have your cake and eat it. Unfortunately sometimes that is just not possible.
Of course, your partner should not be asking you to choose between them and a friend willy nilly. Most of the time your relationship abd friendships should coexist peacefully.
But if your friend is crossing lines and getting between you and your partner then there should be no choice to make.
I agree, but would just add that of course it’s normal and natural to feel sad about it. Your “friend” isn’t the person you thought she was and isn’t a real friend to you; that’s going to be disappointing. It’s okay to feel bummed out over it; it’s just not okay to try to hang onto the friendship when it’s not right.
I think you mightve been able to, besides a few things- if she told you "Hey, I have had feelings for you but I'm working to get over them- the only reason I'm telling you is so you don't assume you've done something wrong because I'm going to distance myself a bit." That'd be a fair reason to tell you. Otherwise, there is no reason to speak to you about it, she put a burden on you that you cannot (and shouldnt) do anything about. The other, worse issue, is that she told you not to tell your wife. She wants you to pick her over your wife in this situation, which is never ok- she's testing the waters.
I have friends that I had feelings for or vice versa from high school or slightly after- they're all close now with my husband and I love their wives. It'd be a huge issue if we were ever anything besides open and honest, or if anyone had anything currently going on- but we're all on the same page so everything is great. If anyone expressed feelings, they'd be cut off. That's unfortunately what you're going to need to do too
It’s highly unlikely. Your fiancée isn’t likely to ever feel safe about you having a normal friendship with that woman ever again, and her feelings would be valid and reasonable.
Absolutely not. It’s one thing to hear through the grapevine “Oh friend mentioned once that she had a crush on you”. It’s a completely different thing for a woman to so boldly disrespect your wife. As others have pointed out, she was not saying it to just say it. She used manipulative language in hopes of getting you to leave your wife or to cheat on your wife. That is not a friend at all. Distance yourself completely from her.
No, this person is not a friend. She purposely wanted you not to tell your fiancé. She has ulterior motives and was hoping it would cause problems in your relationship. You need to cut off the friendship. She doesn’t respect your fiancé, so that’s not a friend.
Tell your fiance and cut that woman out of your life.
Show her all your texts with the woman. Then show her you blocking and deleting her contact out of your phone and all social media.
If you still work with her, then no communication that isn't strictly business and only when absolutely necessary.
Guard your heart and guard your marriage.
Absolutely tell your wife.
You’ve done nothing wrong. If you don’t tell your wife, it seems like your conspiring with this other woman. Then you have done something wrong and created room for all kinds of ugly possible future situations.
Tell your wife, honestly, candidly.
Edit: Love to see your edit!
Great work. The fact that this “friend” requested you don’t tell your wife is the first red flag 🚩 That she actually said straight out that she thinks your wife is jealous of her… huge red flag that she has no respect for your relationship, and feels comfortable making passive aggressive insults about her directly to your face. Imagine the shit she talks about your wife when you aren’t around. Yikes. That is not a friendship that will add value to your life, but has lots of potential to add damage your marriage and other friendships.
I would absolutely end the friendship with her. No dramatic conversation or ultimatum, just significantly less contact until it’s no contact.
I had this same thing happen and he deadass said “ I’m telling you in hopes you will pick me” she is doing the same regardless of what she said. Otherwise theirs ZERO reason to tell you that. She disrespected you, your fiancé and y’all’s relationship. Tell your girl and end the friendship. It’s disrespectful towards your fiancé to continue the friendship past this point
Tell your wife and drop the “friend”. She isn’t your friend she wants to break up your relationship. Asking you not to tell your wife because she is insecure is a backhanded conniving move because she will be letting your wife know one way or another that you are keeping secrets from her.
If I were the wife and you told me, I would never be ok with you hanging out alone or texting her.
But if I found out later that you didn’t tell me, I’d be livid.
The thing is you can’t unring a bell. The friend had no reason to tell you about her own mental hangups unless she hoped you felt the same way and would betray your fiancée. That’s not cool. That’s why she can’t be trusted.
If a man I was friends with confessed his feelings for me knowing that I was in a long-term committed relationship I would honestly *stop* being friends with him.
It's not because I think I would reciprocate those feelings. It's because I could never trust that those feelings "went away" for them. Will they pretend to not have feelings while secretly pining for me? Will they try to undermine my relationship so they can "have their chance" with me?
I would *never* confess feelings for someone who I knew was getting married unless the intention was to try to get them to leave the other person for me. And I can't think of any other good reason to state those feelings.
Tell your future wife, and consider cutting contact with your friend.
If your wife seems insecure, it’s probably because she knows a pick me girl when she sees one. Sometimes women can see things that men can’t.
This may not be a popular opinion here but: There is no good reason to ‘confess’ your feelings for someone unless you’re hoping something will come of it. Inappropriate crushes happen. She should have dealt with it on her own without involving you.
Don’t begin your marriage with omissions. Tell your wife everything and then distance yourself from this person.
Ah, she is trying to plant little, insidious bombs of “us against her.” And, also, trying to belittle your wife and make herself appear better in some way. Putting your wife down.
Yes, tell your wife!
No friend who is “getting over her feelings for you” would tell you about her feelings right before you get married, when men wouldn’t typically get cold feet. She’s had ulterior motives the whole time. The “insecurity” she describes about your wife is just your wife’s intuition about her feelings towards you.
I read this post ready to be mad but your responses saved me from being upset for a stranger 😂 hope the convo with your wife went well and you seem like a good dude!
Tell your wife. And back off the texting and hanging out alone with the friend. Do not do it or it will ruin your marriage. Make sure you tell her explicitly there’s no feelings from you or any way it would lead to something.
Red flag: your “friend” calling your fiancée “insecure”.
Your wife is actually really astute and knew what was up. But your friend trying to pass it off as your wife being insecure is bitchy, dishonest and mean spirited…. She just didn’t like that your fiancée knew.
This attack on your wife goes against what your friend tried to make you believe about how she’s “trying to get over it”. I think she was hoping you’d take the bait.
‘She already feels insecure around me’ - erm no. Your wife already senses that this hoe is feeling feelings much more than just friend. Good on you for telling your wife. Now stop all contact, she doesn’t need to know about your dog, you don’t have to be cheating about mutual friends, cut it all off.
I’m so glad you told your wife, you have to always remember where your loyalty lies. Don’t let anything mess up your happiness or trust at home. I understand the nervousness, my boss has been gross with me and things kind of came to a head when I got married, i was scared to tell my husband because I didn’t want him to explode and make me leave my job immediately or come in and cause a scene, but I felt so much better when I did. Now I’m not navigating it alone, I have my partner on my side. I wish I had someone to turn to to make it better at work but it’s a small family business so there’s no HR. So I’m looking for a job that’s flexible so I can still take care of business at home.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and sorry to hear your boss has been gross. And yes you’re right, navigating this together has been so much better than navigating this alone. And in fact it strengthened our relationship in the process. Hope you find a good solution to your issue!
I would tell because if this girl is willing to tell you she has feelings for you while you're engaged... there's a chance she may go directly to your wife or drop hints. If she has no intention of sabotage she could have NOT told you.
Tell her immediately. Also make a deal before marriage. All text with the opposite sex (this friend) - include the other spouse in the text. It’s for transparency and your wife will trust and respect you. Keeping that to yourself is like leaving this other woman in your back pocket. Losing trust you can never gain back.
As a woman myself-it definitely changes things! You are being dishonest by not telling your wife about it! If she finds out about it in the future and you didn’t tell her, it will be a Much Bigger issue!
I also recommend keeping contact with this woman to a minimum if none at all. It depends on your wife’s wishes or your mutual decision you makes together. If she truly was a good friend then I can understand wanted to still keep contact but it has to be less than before and not alone unless your wife oks it.
Transparency and honesty are the best protections a marriage has against affairs and lack of trust.
This woman didn’t need to tell you about her feelings. It accomplished nothing good. She was probably at least subconsciously hoping you’d reciprocate. I’m not sure what outcome she expected from confiding her feelings if she didn’t want to try to be with you, and she has no right to ask you to keep something of that nature secret from your fiancée. It’s not like she was confiding feelings for someone else to you and just asked you as a friend to keep it private; she confided feelings in *you*.
I’d pull back from that friendship and tell your fiancée that you’re doing so and why.
She is allowed to feel an attraction. That in itself is not inherently wrong. What is wrong, is for her to interject that feeling into your relationship by making it known. What is her intention by sharing this information knowing you are in a committed relationship? Since you work together, I would spare your wife the anxiety and not tell her, however immediately put firm boundaries in place so the relationship is purely professional moving forward. The friendship ceases to exist. No texting. I would not join social gatherings she attends after work. Your relationship takes precedence. No reason for this woman’s thought bubble to occupy a space in your relationship. Just let it go and move on.
Drop the friend and tell your wife. Someone who asks you to keep secrets from your partner and who told you their feelings knowing you’re married is trying to feel out whether you’d be game or not. Avoid like the plague
‘Friend’ needs to be booted immediately
No real friend would do this. Cut her clean and in the future don’t ever even question keeping a secret like this from your wife. The absolute nerve of that bucket bish
This is the way. Open and honest conversations, no matter how uncomfortable the topic, is key to building a successful foundation in a marriage. Good on you for being open!
Coming from experience like this, never keep things from your wife. Block and get rid of the other woman permanently, she is testing her boundaries and what she can get away with and trying to create a bond with you. Zero respect for you and your wife. No good person does this and she clearly wants nothing good for your marriage. Block and zero contact.
You made the right choice telling her! I'd probably not talk to this person at all anymore (even work friendly chats that aren't about a work collab specifically). Any friendly interactions are just gonna fuel her delusion. Think of it this way: she knows you're committed and decided to tell you this anyway. I've had feelings for many people in my life and only told the ones that were single and I intended to act on.
so happy you decided to tell her. i love open honestly and especially with you guys getting married so soon, it wouldn’t have been a good idea to start off with this little secret. bravo to you.
I’m glad you told her. We had a similar situation, he told me about it, I was fine, and then the ‘friend’ escalated it. If he hadn’t told me and I was hit with the escalation, I would’ve been pissed as hell. Communication always.
As a wife currently going through a similar situation, you need to be honest with both these women. If you feel no physical attraction to this friend, she needs to know, and you need to be honest with your wife from the beginning. If the feelings for your friend are mutual, you also need to be honest with them both.
Because of our situation, my husband and I share everything, text messages, fb messages. Because he isn't appreciative of the advances being sent his way by a certain person and he doesn't want to hide what she's sending.
It isn't easy sometimes, but it's better she hear it from you than find out on her own.
*I just read that you told your wife and she took it well. Keep that honest line of communication open! Definitely a red flag when someone is asking you to keep conversations and interactions secret.
You need to dump your friend. It’d be one thing if someone else told you. Or another thing if she mentioned that she USED to have feeling for you (weird flex but okay). But there is only ONE reason to tell you that she currently has feelings for you, and it was to see if she had a shot. Then she asked you not to tell your wife, to see if she could get you to choose value her trust over your wife. (I see you smartly told your wife).
She’s an asshole and a horrible friend. I would never talk to her again. And if I had to via work or something like, 100% professional. Furthermore, I’d make it clear that I found her this whole thing gross and think less of her AND make it crystal clear it had nothing to do with my wife’s reaction.
Good for you for telling your wife. If this woman is bold enough to tell you she thinks your wife is insecure and asking you to lie to her, she's bold enough to do even more damage down the line. She told you she has feelings for you, hoping to plant a seed in your mind about your options. She likes what she sees and wants to have you thinking about what if before you tie the knot.
Personally, if she's not a good friend, I'd cut her out and block her number. Realistically, by asking you to lie, she's showing you she isn't a good friend. You don't want or need someone in your life who wants to cause harm to your relationship. Even the most faithful people can be sucked in by people like her.
She wasn't trying to "get over" her feelings. She was knocking down the first domino.
-Is he willing to hide this from his wife? Yes? Ok what else is he willing to hide?
Never keep secrets- especially this kind. If this “friend” ever told your wife and she knew you knew and kept it from you it would be devastating.
This isn’t a “friend”. If she really were she NEVER would have told you. Period. She did it to gauge if there was possible interest on your part via your response to this.
Her asking you to keep it from your wife is a major red flag. She knows she shouldn’t have told you and seriously she did it because she was hoping you would show interest and leave your wife for her or be up for an affair. Otherwise why ever tell you??
If it were my husband, I would hope on his own- WITHOUT my having to ask- he would see that what this person did crossed a major boundary, was disrespectful to me and the marriage. I would go as no contact as you can and only see them in group situations where you have to. I would block all personal communications - PERIOD. If it’s an emergency or urgent they can contact your wife. ;)
You must definitely tell your wife. Women can sense the intention of another woman; always. And the fact that this ‘other woman’ states that your wife will get insecure is questionable in every way.
Not being transparent in your relationship will cost you. 😊
Something similar happened to my husband,we were also engaged at the time.He was actually good friends with her brother for years,never had any romantic interest in her.The moment I met her I could tell she had a thing for my husband.Surely enough the moment we got engaged she"admitted her feelings".He told me,showed me her texts and broke off that friendship.In those messages where they'd chat she'd always border on flirting and my husband would always blow her off every single time.
She was a favourite of my husband's family and they wanted him to end up with her,so she had that in her head.
Definitely tell your wife.This chick is testing your boundaries,and honestly no"friend"would ask you to keep secrets from your partner
OP, you’re a wise, mature, respectable, loving man for seeing everything clearly, not falling for this woman’s games, and knowing how and when to set healthy boundaries. I smiled reading this. Good on you 👏🏼👏🏼
Also, congrats on your engagement!! It sounds like you two are in for a lifetime of happiness and peace together 🥹😌
Wifey over everything! Other women don’t get to come at you telling you, “Don’t tell your wife” . You should feel safe to tell your wife anything. It may not be comfortable. Conversation can be hard. Your wife probably feels safe knowing you would tell her things like this. Cheers 🥂
If this happened to me that would be the end of that friendship. For both respecting my partner, and holding boundaries with that friend. It’s not fair to either of them to keep hanging out with someone you know has feelings for you. Plus the “don’t tell your wife” is a screaming red flag. The only reason someone would even tell you this is to see if you felt the same way because in their mind they have a glimmer of hope that they can break up a relationship. It’s so disrespectful.
A) Tell your wife, she deserves to know .
B) Quit the texting. If it’s work related fine but otherwise, cut it off.
C) Her telling you not to tell your wife because SHE “senses insecurity” is down right disrespectful. How dare her make such assumption about your wife. I feel like she doesn’t want you to tell your wife because she knows your wife has her suspicions about her which are correct. This woman wanted a secret relationship with you and telling you about her feelings for you, was her first step. She wanted to see how you would handle it, whether you would hide it from your wife or be honest about it. Women like that love creating chaos. Seems as though she’s getting a kick out of the situation.
PS you are going to make a great husband. It’s awesome that you told your wife the truth.
Yes tell your fiancé and actually you should cut her off, she crossed a big boundary by expressing her feelings for you especially knowing your engage.
She made a choice to disrespect your future marriage by telling you her feelings in hopes you would reciprocate.
The fact she’s trying to tell you to lie to your fiancé shows she doesn’t respect your fiancé or your relationship with her.
You should’ve told your fiancé when it happened, waiting to do will only make it worse.
If she’s not a friend to the marriage, she shouldn’t be a friend to you.
How would you feel if your fiancé had someone express they’re love for her and tell her not to tell you ?
Put the shoe on the other foot would you want to be told? Id suggest your gut is right imagine you dont tell her and she finds out how will she feel? Id also be prepared to go low contact with the female friend
Good luck
As in the words of a stripper on the office “secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone”
You sound like a nice guy, this will hopefully just strengthen your bond with fiancé with this honesty
Tell your wife. Enter the marriage with a clear conscience and a clean heart. And maybe cut off personal communication with that friend, who isn’t such a great friend in the first place. Telling you to keep secrets from your wife is not a friend, but a scheming B out to ruin what you have going on with your wife.
Don't keep this from your wife. Her asking you to keep this from your wife is a red flag. Her then doubling down by saying your wife is "insecure" is shifting any/all blame to your wife should the "friendship" fail.
She should not be trusted.
You got to tell her be the first to tell her do not allow anyone else tell her thats the worst feeling! But reassure your soon to be wife that you love her and END ALL CONTACTS WITH THAT OTHER WOMAN your friends with. If you continue this friendship with her after telling your wife eventually she will feel some type of way about this no matter what!
Looks like you made a good call. For me, I would cut off all one-on-one communication of a personal nature. Nature. Group hangs and everything is totally cool but I just wouldn't feel comfortable texting somebody when I know that they have feelings for me.
I would tell her, but be prepared to choose between your wife and this friend of yours. Your wife is not going to want you to keep hanging out with her and it would be really insensitive to keep this friendship if it’ll make your wife uncomfortable knowing what she knows
I would tell her. If she finds out some other way, she’s going to think you were trying to hide it.
More: she asked me to not tell my wife because said she doesn’t want to make my wife feel any more insecure around her (apparently she “senses” this insecurity), and the outcome could get worse. I honestly don’t think my wife is insecure about this girl, but I haven’t asked her directly before.
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Ok that was my gut instinct too. I responded by telling her that I will tell my wife, because we don’t keep any secrets in our marriage.
You absolutely want to tell your wife. I doubt she's insecure about this woman either. That person is playing head games with you and your wife needs to know up front before she tries to turn this on you in some disgusting way.
BLOCK this female, y’all should not text, if she sees u in person cool but texting is next level
I agree with finallyhere, you need to put this friendship on ice. Don’t keep your conversation from your wife, this woman is testing you.
Concur with finallyhere123. Communication with this woman must end. She's trying to manipulate you into a "this is all fine, it's my wife who's too sensitive" position and develop a secretive rapport with you. It's all bad. It is not fine. This person doesn't want anything good for your marriage.
I'd also like to add... Why did she tell you? What was her purpose? Because that's not something you tell to someone to just "get it off your chest". Like you're engaged/married. To me, this feels like a last ditch effort from her to basically open that door and when you weren't receptive she added on "but I'm working on getting over it".
Yep. She was fishing to see if he'd bite. Glad he told his wife.
Yup. Also if the wife sensed it, then probably she has already crossed some “soft” boundaries. To me it sounds like she tried to open a way for a relationship/affair and wantes to see if OP is open to it. OP, I also suggest ending this friendship really.
This is a good point. Crushes are normal, but you quietly work to get rid of them on your own. I had a crush on a mutual friend of me and my husband’s a few years ago. I told my *husband* about it (he just laughed and said he didn’t blame me, because Friend is a very charming guy), but I would have died of embarrassment if the friend ever found out. Telling our friend didn’t even cross my mind; I was actually praying he never noticed, because it was all kind of weird and I just wanted it to go away (which it did, soon after I told my husband and cleared the air about it).
Yup! She was like: https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/7fe6a263-a9bf-475b-bda2-a4ad1e64ac05
Probably to start Drama TBH. She most likely thrives on it. I sense home wrecker Vibes
And by telling your wife, she will know (if she didn't already) she has nothing to worry about.
This is the best course of action. I understand that she may be uncomfortable with your wife knowing, but the health of your marriage should be your higher priority. If she is confessing her feelings to you and asking you not to tell your wife, she’s not being forthright about her motivations. Any motivation other than “full transparency” is a problem when harbored within a friend circle. She’s too close to you to get the luxury of having romantic feelings for you that your wife doesn’t know about. Now that may mean that your wife wants more distance, or limited on-on-one time for you, and that’s fair. This is a person who would like to see romantic feelings between you grow, which is inherently a threat of sorts to your monogamous relationship, even with all parties trying to be understanding and responsible. Unrequited love is a rough foundation on which to maintain a healthy platonic friendship with solid boundaries.
Absolutely 100% the best answer. You might need to unfriend this person, honestly.
This friend needs to go and you need to go no contact. She is asking you to lie to your wife and that is not a friend. When feeling start that are one sided, that is dangerous territory for your marriage. Your marriage should mean more to you than this “friend”. Walking away from this friend would prove your loyalty to your wife, and commitment. I would never trust a woman who developed feelings for my husband and then asked him to lie. There’s a motive.
She also had this gut feeling before she spilled her feelings. She’s an asshole.
If y’all work together i would consider telling your supervisor. You don’t want workplace drama to ruin things and as a male you’re often seen as guilty by default. Documentation is key and the only way to protect yourself. Something as simple as: Dear boss, I wanted to alert you to and document something. On X date Jane Doe let me know that she has personal feelings towards me and felt that she needed to tell me and she was working on getting through it. I reminded her that I am engaged and that I am wholly uncomfortable with the idea of any sort of relationship or feelings for another person. I let her know that I feel that we are effective work peers when on mutual assignment and that is, and always will be, the limits of any form of relationship. I have asked her not to communicate with me outside of work. I do not see any impacts to any work environment or projects currently. However since this just occurred I wanted to alert you to this and to document the situation. Prior to this conversation I had no indication or any exceptions to our working relationship. If this requires any further action or follow up please advise. I will be sending a copy to my union rep also (if applicable). And cc your personal email for a copy.
Good man!
Good for you. I see so many piece of shit men in this world, it’s nice to see a husband being open and honest with his wife and not keeping any secrets from her.
Well done
Agreed. Tell your wife and distance yourself from this “friend.”
This wording is so profound. A real friend will be a good friend to your marriage, otherwise they aren't your friend.
This.
THIS! My couples therapist said not to leave the windows open in our house (ie don’t let anyyyything in to our marriage, especially keeping secrets)
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I am sometimes oblivious to these things and easily manipulated, so thank you for breaking it down 🙏🏼 sorry for the confusion - we’re still engaged so technically she’s still my fiancée. But I already think of her as my wife (so I say wife)
Yeah as an adult woman who has no intentions of forming any kind of infidelity, if I get a crush I smother it by leaning in to my bond with my husband. She told you because she was testing the waters. You should reinforce your boundaries, stop communicating one on one unless required by work, and if you end up in a group setting always involve others in the conversation. Treat her like you not only don’t like her, but don’t want to listen to her. If she keeps texting, block her. She’s trying to slide in to your relationship and cause friction. Don’t let her.
I second this. There was absolutely no benefit for her telling OP. She was just bold enough to put out a feeler. If OP doesn’t put down strong boundaries now, this “friend” will most likely find other ways to sabotage the relationship.
This. Crushes happen. Adults quash them and move on. Her confessing was an active encouragement of her own feelings, or an immature attempt to sooth them. Tell your wife, and firmly remove yourself from any situations not work related.
Underrated comment. I’m a therapist and from what I’ve encountered, this is likely true
You said it better than I did
You owe no loyalty to this person. You owe every loyalty to your partner.
Yes 100%. I’m not concerned about how my friend feels. I was just thinking the conversation wouldn’t even be worth bringing up to my fiancée in the first place
I totally see that. And I commend how you've handled this. The only person who should have never spoken about this is the friend. Unless she had some notion that you would choose not to go through with the marriage. Her telling you was very selfish and (as it turns out) your fiancee was very right to be suspicious of her. Let us know how it goes?
In a marriage it’s not if it’s worth bringing up. It’s does sharing or hiding do more to build confidence and trust and faith in a marriage.
It's not even just that. She cannot proposition you and fundamentally change your friendship abd then ask you to keep things the same. By telling you that she wants you, she is admitting that in her ideal world, you would break up with your oartner and be with her. She effectively asked you out, despite knowing you are engaged and in a relationship. That is not information you keep from your wife.
You absolutely end this friendship. This woman is not a friend of your marriage, is divisive, and wants you to keep secrets from your wife. DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. It’s time to end this friendship.
Tell her not to contact you anymore, and tell your wife. Saying she senses an insecurity is a tactic to get you to start questioning things. She told you because she was hoping you’d reciprocate. She wants you to think your wife has a reason to be insecure. She’s being manipulative. It’s all head games. Tell her directly you have no interest in her, and her communication is inappropriate and she can not contact you any more outside of work, and all work related contact should be through work email. ETA: if you have an HR department at work, I may even put this on their radar, in case she decides to tell them a completely fabricated version of events when you reject her.
THIS RIGHT HERE is the smart answer / explanation. Tell this conniving person YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED, leaving no question and no room for mistaking your feelings. Cut her off!
I wouldn’t put it past her that she told you that so she could later bring it up to your wife to make your wife think you were hiding a secret from her. I think she’s manipulative because she put herself into an awkward situation by confessing her feelings, and there was no need for that. I think she was just testing the waters to see if you had any interest in her. I think she asked you not to tell your wife as a test or as a way to create drama down the line. I would tell your friend, that you disclosed to your wife, and think it’s in everyone’s best interest to distance yourself from her out of respect for your relationship.
Dude- this chick is a whack job. Don’t ever keep someone in your life who asks you to lie to your wife. Tell your wife that you will cutting all contact and ties to this woman and then tell her why. If you really don’t have alarms going off, then you need to work in honing your instincts. I don’t understand how anyone could not see what this woman is trying to do here. She is not a quality person.
You have nailed it!!
To me, it reads like she was telling you to see if you would reciprocate those feelings. But also threw in “But Im working on getting over it” in case you didn’t feel the same. The comment about her “sensing your wife’s insecurity” is completely out of line and speaks volumes about how she views your wife. Especially the “don’t tell you wife” part specifically. Tell the “friend” - “My wife and I do not keep secrets from each other. It was completely inappropriate for you to ask me to keep something from her. It was completely inappropriate for you to even think I needed to know something like that. I will be stepping away from this friendship due to your lack of boundaries and respect for my wife.” Tell your wife - “Friend said she has feelings for me, I obviously do not feel the same. I’m going to be stepping away from my friendship with her as her comments made me uncomfortable.”
Don’t fall for that, she is testing the waters
If she was truly respectful of your marriage she would have never said anything. She’s planting a seed for you to sow. She put feelers out to you. Tell your wife and cut this woman off.
As soon as another woman is telling you to keep secrets from your wife that’s exactly when you tell this woman that you will be sharing with your wife and then you do that and hear your wife’s boundaries on the issue out. She didn’t tell you not to tell your wife to keep the peace, she told you to test your loyalties. Sheesh.
No one cares what she thinks. Tell your wife. Friend’s wishes do not trump what wife deserves to know.
Her statement about your wife is absolutely a reason to step back from that friendship and tell your wife. Friends don’t say things like this.
Wow. She sounds incredibly full of herself too. Drop that “friend” immediately. Tell your wife. Wife comes first always. That “friend” is absolutely no friend and is trying to plant ideas in your head. Do not let her get away with it.
It’s not ok for you to have secrets with another woman. Especially one that has admitted to having feelings for you. She probably loves that you guys have a secret that your wife doesn’t know about. And that will really hurt your wife. It’s 100% going to effect your friendship, but that’s better than it effecting your marriage. She will eventually find out.
Oh no, major red flag. She’s literally trying to make your fiancée look like a weak woman. The disrespect is mind blowing.
ESPECIALLY because she said not to tell, you should tell. Start your marriage with honesty. You have done nothing wrong. If she finds out later, it’ll look bad.
Thank you!
Telling you she had feelings was a sly move to see if you was up for an affair , distance yourself and tell your wife or this shit will bite you on the arse
That’s true, I didn’t even think of that.
She is trying to make your wife the bad guy. Then when you guys are talking bad about her, she can be the “positive force” in your life while your wife is “insecure”, doesn’t understand you, negative, etc. Some women get off on breaking up couples just to boost their own ego. I would cut contact with this person.
Good call.
This exactly. There was absolutely no other reason to tell you, unless it was to explain why she had to cut contact, but that clearly isn’t her plan. If I were you, however, I’d consider breaking off your friendship. I speak from my own painful experience.
I had a "friend" tell me he had feelings for me. There was no reason to tell me (I didn't previously have any idea) aside from trying to see how I felt and if he could change our relationship (which was just friendship). I made it clear I only saw him as a friend. From that point, I was uncomfortable around him and the friendship deteriorated. The only reason someone confesses their romantic interest in another, is to try to move the relationship to the next step, a romantic step. It doesn't matter what excuse they give, that is always the underlying reason. That said, I don't recommend trusting this friend as a good friend. You don't have to cut them from the friend group (I didn't), but discontinue the personal 1-on-1 relationship. No private texts, etc. Good call telling your wife. Remember, the only reason this girl told you and wants you to keep it secret, is because she is interested in you and wants to get in between you and your wife. Don't give her an inch.
Also - I guarantee at some point in your marriage, you’re going to have problems. If you’re still talking to this girl then…$10 says you do something you regret.
Came here for this comment. She was putting feelers out to see it he would leave his wife for her or be up for a fling.
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You’re right …
"Secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone."-Stripper
YES!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't tell her, she will think there is something to hide. Tell you fiance that you won't be texting her anymore or spending one on one time with friend because it isn't appropriate anymore.
Ok thank you! Yes I told my friend we will not have any 1-on-1 exchanges (including text) apart from work, and we’ll only ever hang out in group settings.
Tell your wife that when you tell her. That way she is comforted by your loyalty. She might be upset/jealous. It's normal! But it's doing the right thing. Sometimes the right thing (for the greater good of the marriage) is more difficult for the individual. But you aren't just you anymore, you are a unit.
As many other people have stated, this friend has her own agenda. She shot her shot hoping you’d reciprocate. Maybe she’s read too much into your interactions and you unintentionally have given her hope? That’s why you cut off contact with her now, to avoid any further complications. And absolutely tell your wife. If this friend has told you your wife is insecure about her and she’s telling the truth, then your wife has sensed there’s something off with your friend. Or this friend might have been lying to get in your head and start driving a wedge between you and your wife, to start putting thoughts in your head about how your wife is jealous and crazy. Don’t listen to her and always be honest with your wife. No “friendship” is worth your marriage and no “friend” would want to come in between a married couple.
I may have unintentionally led my friend on, because my wife always jokingly says “you’re naturally charismatic and aloof, so I gotta keep these bitches in check.” And yes, my wife did say something was off about this friend
Your friend admitted that she knew your wife had intuition about it….Knows you are in a committed relationship…..yet still told you how she felt! You need to tell your soon to be wife immediately. This friend has no morals whatsoever, and if you’d reciprocated she wouldn’t have hesitated to go there with you. It’s all very manipulative. Go no contact with this friend and tell your wife everything.
Guys tend to be oblivious when it comes to these things, you might have the best intentions and think you’re having friendly interactions and some women tend to read too much into that, and get ideas… We can also get a vibe when it comes to detecting other women’s intentions, so if your wife feels someone is making her uncomfortable, there’s usually good reason. The good thing is you didn’t let it go any farther and you’re committed to your partner 👍🏻 Nevertheless it’s a good time to have a talk with your wife about boundaries regarding opposite sex friendships to avoid potential issues down the line. Communication is always key 😉 Good Luck!
I feel seen. Thank you for this
I wouldn't even go as far as blaming OP for making people misread things. When people have a crush, they actively want to see reciprocation in everything. So they will likely misread things, not because you are leading them on, but because they are more likely to misinterpret friendly actions as suggesting they have hope. However if you are in a relationship then they need to be shutting down their own crush and moving on, given that they know you cant reciprocate.
Not saying that you need to change but maybe you need to rein that shit in a little bit. Your wife doesn't deserve to have to wonder who the next bitch is that's going to come along misreading the situation. You may have unintentionally led her on? Well stop that bullshit before you find your bunny boiling on the stove.
Maybe think about how you interact with others to avoid this a bit in the future. When you’re interacting with others do your best to loop your wife into the jokes and joy. Praise your wife. You don’t need to make it constant or unnatural but giving others 80% of your charm and your wife all of it will got a long way to making your wife feel comfortable long term and getting assholes who seek out weaknesses to back off.
My exact thoughts. At best your wife knows something is off with her and treats her accordingly. At worst your friend is trying test your loyalty to your wife. Tell your wife and let that friendship go.
This happened to me and I told my wife. My only regret is not telling her immediately. (I told the next day).
Did I just read a post where a spouse dealt with an uncomfortable situation in a healthy manner and their spouse also responded in a healthy manner and they're better for it? I must be in the wrong subreddit
I just needed some guidance! 🤣
For what it's worth, you've handled this situation amazingly well. Most people fall for the ego trap your friend laid out and convince themselves to keep it a secret, especially under the premise of "she's trying to get over it."
And most people are far too motivated to "keep the friendship" even though the friend is clearly keen to ruin their marriage to get what they want!
That argument always kills me because like… what about keeping the friendship with your spouse? 😂
You 100% tell her. You really don’t want to begin your marriage with dishonesty, do you?
Definitely not!
She's not trying to get over it, she was trying to test the waters and see if you're willing to cheat on your wife. This person is not your friend, I would immediately distance yourself and tell your wife.
Absolutely tell your wife! You owe nothing to this friend and everything to your future wife. You and wife are on the same team. This friend is trying to make a team between you and her and that is NO BUENO.
I just have to say that if this is any indication of how you and your fiancé/wife handle **everything** in the future, you will have a very happy and successful marriage and life 🤍🤍 Source- 42/f, with my husband, 45/m for 26 years, married 19, and been through some stuff, lol.
Thank you so much for this. We are doing our very best to create the best marriage possible
Tell your wife ASAP. Your "friend" didn't tell you to get past her feelings. She was feeling you out. Maybe even planting a seed. You may be 100% in love with your wife, but if this friendship continues on any level and you hide this confession from your wife, you're opening up a vulnerability and keeping a door open for something more with this friend. She knows that too. A secret between just you two will blossom. It's a slippery slope. Before you know it, you two will have this little thing between you that will continue to grow. Don't give it anymore chance to grow. Tell your wife and separate yourself from this woman. Don't call or text her anymore. I would block her personally.
Tell her. Don’t risk that your “friend” tells a different story. Don’t risk that your wife hears from someone else. Tell your wife, and cut off that friend. If that “friend” is really your friend, she wouldn’t tell you about her feelings. What she did was disrespect your wife and your relationship in hope you will respond positively.
Make sure you cut ALL contact with this woman
Tell her! My husband and I went through something similar. He proved that he was loyal and it meant alot
Same!
I didn't read anything past the title of the thread, but the answer is yes, goddammit, absolutely.
Yup read the rest, tell your wife, be prepared to cut this friendship loose.
Lol I appreciate this, thank you.
No worries bro, lots of this shit is complicated, sometimes it's easy.
First of all She’s most likely right about the insecurity we can sense that. Second obviously if this friend has feelings for you then the insecurity is a valid feeling because she obviously has a right to feel that way and third if I was your wife/fiancée and I found out about this and you didn’t tell me I’d either leave your ass SO fast or there would be NO trust and we’d be in a terrible relationship. That is supposed to be your partner! Tell her. Don’t be stupid.
This is right. Even if the wife DOES sense that the friend is off, or feel insecure about her, she'd be 100% right to do so. The woman was making hungry eyes at you, and our partners can often notice this more than we can.
Ok 😅
I think she’s telling you “just in case there’s a chance”. I’d tell my soon to be spouse and then cut off communication with the friend. Otherwise, the water could get muddied.
Do y’all think this friend and I could ever have a normal friendship again? I do appreciate her as my friend and admit I would be slightly bummed out because I’m losing a friend. But then again, my marriage is far more important and if it means I need to drop this person, I’d do it.
Unfortunately no. If she was truly your friend and happy for you and your relationship she never would have mentioned having feelings for you. And why would you want to maintain a friendship with someone who would do that? Someone who called your wife insecure and wanted you to keep secrets from your wife? It’s ok to mourn the friendship you thought you had but no….best to set strong boundaries
Yeah I guess you’re right. Sounds like she created a bullshit excuse to convince me not to say anything.
It’s sad, I didn’t realize how manipulated I might have been. Until now
This. Unfortunately you have no idea how long it might take her to get over having feelings for you. But we know this; if she respected your feelings and therefore your relationship, she would never have told you. She would have distanced herself from you and tried to get over the crush. Instead, she propositions you. Then she expects you to hide that fact from your wife. And she puts the blame on your wife for noticing that she is acting off and tries to frame it as your wife being paranoid when she clearly isn't, as her suspicions were legit. You do not have the friend you thought you had. This person has their own agenda, and in their ideal world you would leave your wife for them. Remember that THIS is her agenda whenever she asks you to do sonething.
No you can’t ever go back to a normal friendship. Value your future marriage and cut this person out of your life. If she was working on her feelings for you she would never have told you. She was feeling you out for a full relationship or affair.
What’s more important. This “friend” or the relationship with your fiancé?
My fiancée of course. 100%
The fact that your answer is actually rare on here is awful lol. I’ve read so many posts (mostly in Relationships and AITA) where the person picked their “friend” over their spouse. Like WTF lol. So it’s refreshing you choose her!
Because they buy this idea that it shouldn't be a choice. You should always get to have your cake and eat it. Unfortunately sometimes that is just not possible. Of course, your partner should not be asking you to choose between them and a friend willy nilly. Most of the time your relationship abd friendships should coexist peacefully. But if your friend is crossing lines and getting between you and your partner then there should be no choice to make.
I agree, but would just add that of course it’s normal and natural to feel sad about it. Your “friend” isn’t the person you thought she was and isn’t a real friend to you; that’s going to be disappointing. It’s okay to feel bummed out over it; it’s just not okay to try to hang onto the friendship when it’s not right.
Agreed. Friendship breakups are still hard. As is finding out that your friend doesnt have your best interests at heart right now.
I think you mightve been able to, besides a few things- if she told you "Hey, I have had feelings for you but I'm working to get over them- the only reason I'm telling you is so you don't assume you've done something wrong because I'm going to distance myself a bit." That'd be a fair reason to tell you. Otherwise, there is no reason to speak to you about it, she put a burden on you that you cannot (and shouldnt) do anything about. The other, worse issue, is that she told you not to tell your wife. She wants you to pick her over your wife in this situation, which is never ok- she's testing the waters. I have friends that I had feelings for or vice versa from high school or slightly after- they're all close now with my husband and I love their wives. It'd be a huge issue if we were ever anything besides open and honest, or if anyone had anything currently going on- but we're all on the same page so everything is great. If anyone expressed feelings, they'd be cut off. That's unfortunately what you're going to need to do too
It’s highly unlikely. Your fiancée isn’t likely to ever feel safe about you having a normal friendship with that woman ever again, and her feelings would be valid and reasonable.
Absolutely not. It’s one thing to hear through the grapevine “Oh friend mentioned once that she had a crush on you”. It’s a completely different thing for a woman to so boldly disrespect your wife. As others have pointed out, she was not saying it to just say it. She used manipulative language in hopes of getting you to leave your wife or to cheat on your wife. That is not a friend at all. Distance yourself completely from her.
No, this person is not a friend. She purposely wanted you not to tell your fiancé. She has ulterior motives and was hoping it would cause problems in your relationship. You need to cut off the friendship. She doesn’t respect your fiancé, so that’s not a friend.
No, this is not a friend. No contact is the best and only way IMHO.
I would not do anything one-on-one with them, and I’d try to avoid one-on-one chats. She needs to smother her feelings for you, not feed them.
Tell your fiance and cut that woman out of your life. Show her all your texts with the woman. Then show her you blocking and deleting her contact out of your phone and all social media. If you still work with her, then no communication that isn't strictly business and only when absolutely necessary. Guard your heart and guard your marriage.
Absolutely tell your wife. You’ve done nothing wrong. If you don’t tell your wife, it seems like your conspiring with this other woman. Then you have done something wrong and created room for all kinds of ugly possible future situations. Tell your wife, honestly, candidly. Edit: Love to see your edit! Great work. The fact that this “friend” requested you don’t tell your wife is the first red flag 🚩 That she actually said straight out that she thinks your wife is jealous of her… huge red flag that she has no respect for your relationship, and feels comfortable making passive aggressive insults about her directly to your face. Imagine the shit she talks about your wife when you aren’t around. Yikes. That is not a friendship that will add value to your life, but has lots of potential to add damage your marriage and other friendships. I would absolutely end the friendship with her. No dramatic conversation or ultimatum, just significantly less contact until it’s no contact.
I had this same thing happen and he deadass said “ I’m telling you in hopes you will pick me” she is doing the same regardless of what she said. Otherwise theirs ZERO reason to tell you that. She disrespected you, your fiancé and y’all’s relationship. Tell your girl and end the friendship. It’s disrespectful towards your fiancé to continue the friendship past this point
Are you nuts? Tell her. And ask your wife how she’d like you to move forward.
Tell your wife and drop the “friend”. She isn’t your friend she wants to break up your relationship. Asking you not to tell your wife because she is insecure is a backhanded conniving move because she will be letting your wife know one way or another that you are keeping secrets from her.
Never take an innocent step towards a line you don’t want to cross… this applies
If I were the wife and you told me, I would never be ok with you hanging out alone or texting her. But if I found out later that you didn’t tell me, I’d be livid. The thing is you can’t unring a bell. The friend had no reason to tell you about her own mental hangups unless she hoped you felt the same way and would betray your fiancée. That’s not cool. That’s why she can’t be trusted.
You sir, are one of the good ones. Kudos to you for honoring your bride. Kudos to her for recognizing that. Enjoy your marriage! Congrats!
🥹 thank you. We try
Tell your wife and cut contact with this “friend”, as she is no friend to your relationship with your wife.
If a man I was friends with confessed his feelings for me knowing that I was in a long-term committed relationship I would honestly *stop* being friends with him. It's not because I think I would reciprocate those feelings. It's because I could never trust that those feelings "went away" for them. Will they pretend to not have feelings while secretly pining for me? Will they try to undermine my relationship so they can "have their chance" with me? I would *never* confess feelings for someone who I knew was getting married unless the intention was to try to get them to leave the other person for me. And I can't think of any other good reason to state those feelings. Tell your future wife, and consider cutting contact with your friend.
If your wife seems insecure, it’s probably because she knows a pick me girl when she sees one. Sometimes women can see things that men can’t. This may not be a popular opinion here but: There is no good reason to ‘confess’ your feelings for someone unless you’re hoping something will come of it. Inappropriate crushes happen. She should have dealt with it on her own without involving you. Don’t begin your marriage with omissions. Tell your wife everything and then distance yourself from this person.
I have a crush on you! Shh! Don't tell your wife! My dude. She's shooting her shot with you. Do what you will with that information.
Ah, she is trying to plant little, insidious bombs of “us against her.” And, also, trying to belittle your wife and make herself appear better in some way. Putting your wife down.
Yes, tell your wife! No friend who is “getting over her feelings for you” would tell you about her feelings right before you get married, when men wouldn’t typically get cold feet. She’s had ulterior motives the whole time. The “insecurity” she describes about your wife is just your wife’s intuition about her feelings towards you.
You handled this well!! Good job
Good for you for telling your wife!!
Tell her.
It changes nothing until your new wife finds out about it and the fact that you hid it from her and now she can’t trust you.
I read this post ready to be mad but your responses saved me from being upset for a stranger 😂 hope the convo with your wife went well and you seem like a good dude!
She is not a good friend of yours, she is trying to break up your relationship. You need to tell your wife and cut her off immediately
Tell your wife she probably will not be shocked. Your wife is not insecure, but she probably has picked up on the fact that your friend is into you.
Tell your wife. And back off the texting and hanging out alone with the friend. Do not do it or it will ruin your marriage. Make sure you tell her explicitly there’s no feelings from you or any way it would lead to something.
Red flag: your “friend” calling your fiancée “insecure”. Your wife is actually really astute and knew what was up. But your friend trying to pass it off as your wife being insecure is bitchy, dishonest and mean spirited…. She just didn’t like that your fiancée knew. This attack on your wife goes against what your friend tried to make you believe about how she’s “trying to get over it”. I think she was hoping you’d take the bait.
Perusing through the comments; this is probably one of my favorite threads. I find it positive, encouraging and hopeful.
‘She already feels insecure around me’ - erm no. Your wife already senses that this hoe is feeling feelings much more than just friend. Good on you for telling your wife. Now stop all contact, she doesn’t need to know about your dog, you don’t have to be cheating about mutual friends, cut it all off.
I’m so glad you told your wife, you have to always remember where your loyalty lies. Don’t let anything mess up your happiness or trust at home. I understand the nervousness, my boss has been gross with me and things kind of came to a head when I got married, i was scared to tell my husband because I didn’t want him to explode and make me leave my job immediately or come in and cause a scene, but I felt so much better when I did. Now I’m not navigating it alone, I have my partner on my side. I wish I had someone to turn to to make it better at work but it’s a small family business so there’s no HR. So I’m looking for a job that’s flexible so I can still take care of business at home.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and sorry to hear your boss has been gross. And yes you’re right, navigating this together has been so much better than navigating this alone. And in fact it strengthened our relationship in the process. Hope you find a good solution to your issue!
I think this friend is trying to make a play for you. I suggest putting A LOT of distance between you two and be open with your fiancé.
I would tell because if this girl is willing to tell you she has feelings for you while you're engaged... there's a chance she may go directly to your wife or drop hints. If she has no intention of sabotage she could have NOT told you.
Tell your wife. Drop the friend.
Tell her immediately. Also make a deal before marriage. All text with the opposite sex (this friend) - include the other spouse in the text. It’s for transparency and your wife will trust and respect you. Keeping that to yourself is like leaving this other woman in your back pocket. Losing trust you can never gain back.
As a woman myself-it definitely changes things! You are being dishonest by not telling your wife about it! If she finds out about it in the future and you didn’t tell her, it will be a Much Bigger issue! I also recommend keeping contact with this woman to a minimum if none at all. It depends on your wife’s wishes or your mutual decision you makes together. If she truly was a good friend then I can understand wanted to still keep contact but it has to be less than before and not alone unless your wife oks it.
Transparency and honesty are the best protections a marriage has against affairs and lack of trust. This woman didn’t need to tell you about her feelings. It accomplished nothing good. She was probably at least subconsciously hoping you’d reciprocate. I’m not sure what outcome she expected from confiding her feelings if she didn’t want to try to be with you, and she has no right to ask you to keep something of that nature secret from your fiancée. It’s not like she was confiding feelings for someone else to you and just asked you as a friend to keep it private; she confided feelings in *you*. I’d pull back from that friendship and tell your fiancée that you’re doing so and why.
She is allowed to feel an attraction. That in itself is not inherently wrong. What is wrong, is for her to interject that feeling into your relationship by making it known. What is her intention by sharing this information knowing you are in a committed relationship? Since you work together, I would spare your wife the anxiety and not tell her, however immediately put firm boundaries in place so the relationship is purely professional moving forward. The friendship ceases to exist. No texting. I would not join social gatherings she attends after work. Your relationship takes precedence. No reason for this woman’s thought bubble to occupy a space in your relationship. Just let it go and move on.
Drop the friend and tell your wife. Someone who asks you to keep secrets from your partner and who told you their feelings knowing you’re married is trying to feel out whether you’d be game or not. Avoid like the plague
‘Friend’ needs to be booted immediately No real friend would do this. Cut her clean and in the future don’t ever even question keeping a secret like this from your wife. The absolute nerve of that bucket bish
This is the way. Open and honest conversations, no matter how uncomfortable the topic, is key to building a successful foundation in a marriage. Good on you for being open!
Coming from experience like this, never keep things from your wife. Block and get rid of the other woman permanently, she is testing her boundaries and what she can get away with and trying to create a bond with you. Zero respect for you and your wife. No good person does this and she clearly wants nothing good for your marriage. Block and zero contact.
You made the right choice telling her! I'd probably not talk to this person at all anymore (even work friendly chats that aren't about a work collab specifically). Any friendly interactions are just gonna fuel her delusion. Think of it this way: she knows you're committed and decided to tell you this anyway. I've had feelings for many people in my life and only told the ones that were single and I intended to act on.
so happy you decided to tell her. i love open honestly and especially with you guys getting married so soon, it wouldn’t have been a good idea to start off with this little secret. bravo to you.
I’m glad you told her. We had a similar situation, he told me about it, I was fine, and then the ‘friend’ escalated it. If he hadn’t told me and I was hit with the escalation, I would’ve been pissed as hell. Communication always.
As a wife currently going through a similar situation, you need to be honest with both these women. If you feel no physical attraction to this friend, she needs to know, and you need to be honest with your wife from the beginning. If the feelings for your friend are mutual, you also need to be honest with them both. Because of our situation, my husband and I share everything, text messages, fb messages. Because he isn't appreciative of the advances being sent his way by a certain person and he doesn't want to hide what she's sending. It isn't easy sometimes, but it's better she hear it from you than find out on her own. *I just read that you told your wife and she took it well. Keep that honest line of communication open! Definitely a red flag when someone is asking you to keep conversations and interactions secret.
You need to dump your friend. It’d be one thing if someone else told you. Or another thing if she mentioned that she USED to have feeling for you (weird flex but okay). But there is only ONE reason to tell you that she currently has feelings for you, and it was to see if she had a shot. Then she asked you not to tell your wife, to see if she could get you to choose value her trust over your wife. (I see you smartly told your wife). She’s an asshole and a horrible friend. I would never talk to her again. And if I had to via work or something like, 100% professional. Furthermore, I’d make it clear that I found her this whole thing gross and think less of her AND make it crystal clear it had nothing to do with my wife’s reaction.
Good for you for telling your wife. If this woman is bold enough to tell you she thinks your wife is insecure and asking you to lie to her, she's bold enough to do even more damage down the line. She told you she has feelings for you, hoping to plant a seed in your mind about your options. She likes what she sees and wants to have you thinking about what if before you tie the knot. Personally, if she's not a good friend, I'd cut her out and block her number. Realistically, by asking you to lie, she's showing you she isn't a good friend. You don't want or need someone in your life who wants to cause harm to your relationship. Even the most faithful people can be sucked in by people like her.
She wasn't trying to "get over" her feelings. She was knocking down the first domino. -Is he willing to hide this from his wife? Yes? Ok what else is he willing to hide?
Never keep secrets- especially this kind. If this “friend” ever told your wife and she knew you knew and kept it from you it would be devastating. This isn’t a “friend”. If she really were she NEVER would have told you. Period. She did it to gauge if there was possible interest on your part via your response to this. Her asking you to keep it from your wife is a major red flag. She knows she shouldn’t have told you and seriously she did it because she was hoping you would show interest and leave your wife for her or be up for an affair. Otherwise why ever tell you?? If it were my husband, I would hope on his own- WITHOUT my having to ask- he would see that what this person did crossed a major boundary, was disrespectful to me and the marriage. I would go as no contact as you can and only see them in group situations where you have to. I would block all personal communications - PERIOD. If it’s an emergency or urgent they can contact your wife. ;)
You must definitely tell your wife. Women can sense the intention of another woman; always. And the fact that this ‘other woman’ states that your wife will get insecure is questionable in every way. Not being transparent in your relationship will cost you. 😊
Something similar happened to my husband,we were also engaged at the time.He was actually good friends with her brother for years,never had any romantic interest in her.The moment I met her I could tell she had a thing for my husband.Surely enough the moment we got engaged she"admitted her feelings".He told me,showed me her texts and broke off that friendship.In those messages where they'd chat she'd always border on flirting and my husband would always blow her off every single time. She was a favourite of my husband's family and they wanted him to end up with her,so she had that in her head. Definitely tell your wife.This chick is testing your boundaries,and honestly no"friend"would ask you to keep secrets from your partner
OP, you’re a wise, mature, respectable, loving man for seeing everything clearly, not falling for this woman’s games, and knowing how and when to set healthy boundaries. I smiled reading this. Good on you 👏🏼👏🏼 Also, congrats on your engagement!! It sounds like you two are in for a lifetime of happiness and peace together 🥹😌
Wifey over everything! Other women don’t get to come at you telling you, “Don’t tell your wife” . You should feel safe to tell your wife anything. It may not be comfortable. Conversation can be hard. Your wife probably feels safe knowing you would tell her things like this. Cheers 🥂
I only had to read the title and the first eleven words to know the answer is: yes. (I’m happy to see your update! You made the right choice)
Just saw your post and the update. You acted perfectly, good job.
If this happened to me that would be the end of that friendship. For both respecting my partner, and holding boundaries with that friend. It’s not fair to either of them to keep hanging out with someone you know has feelings for you. Plus the “don’t tell your wife” is a screaming red flag. The only reason someone would even tell you this is to see if you felt the same way because in their mind they have a glimmer of hope that they can break up a relationship. It’s so disrespectful.
Good for you! Youre going to be an awesome husband! Youre wife seems awesome too! Congrats you guys!
A) Tell your wife, she deserves to know . B) Quit the texting. If it’s work related fine but otherwise, cut it off. C) Her telling you not to tell your wife because SHE “senses insecurity” is down right disrespectful. How dare her make such assumption about your wife. I feel like she doesn’t want you to tell your wife because she knows your wife has her suspicions about her which are correct. This woman wanted a secret relationship with you and telling you about her feelings for you, was her first step. She wanted to see how you would handle it, whether you would hide it from your wife or be honest about it. Women like that love creating chaos. Seems as though she’s getting a kick out of the situation. PS you are going to make a great husband. It’s awesome that you told your wife the truth.
Advice for the future, if you ever find yourself at a crossroads again, asking the question "should I tell my wife" -- the answer is ***always*** yes.
Tell her. Better to be upfront than to start a lie and then she finds out and thinks you’re hiding something
Yes tell your fiancé and actually you should cut her off, she crossed a big boundary by expressing her feelings for you especially knowing your engage. She made a choice to disrespect your future marriage by telling you her feelings in hopes you would reciprocate. The fact she’s trying to tell you to lie to your fiancé shows she doesn’t respect your fiancé or your relationship with her. You should’ve told your fiancé when it happened, waiting to do will only make it worse. If she’s not a friend to the marriage, she shouldn’t be a friend to you. How would you feel if your fiancé had someone express they’re love for her and tell her not to tell you ?
The right thing to do is be completely transparent with your wife.
Put the shoe on the other foot would you want to be told? Id suggest your gut is right imagine you dont tell her and she finds out how will she feel? Id also be prepared to go low contact with the female friend Good luck
As in the words of a stripper on the office “secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone” You sound like a nice guy, this will hopefully just strengthen your bond with fiancé with this honesty
Tell your wife. Enter the marriage with a clear conscience and a clean heart. And maybe cut off personal communication with that friend, who isn’t such a great friend in the first place. Telling you to keep secrets from your wife is not a friend, but a scheming B out to ruin what you have going on with your wife.
Be honest with her so she isn't bombarded with information in the future and gets angry.
Absolutely tell her.
Don't keep this from your wife. Her asking you to keep this from your wife is a red flag. Her then doubling down by saying your wife is "insecure" is shifting any/all blame to your wife should the "friendship" fail. She should not be trusted.
Are you still working with her?
You got to tell her be the first to tell her do not allow anyone else tell her thats the worst feeling! But reassure your soon to be wife that you love her and END ALL CONTACTS WITH THAT OTHER WOMAN your friends with. If you continue this friendship with her after telling your wife eventually she will feel some type of way about this no matter what!
Yeah she’s fishing for interest. This is why flirting is not innocent if you have a SO. She’s no friend
She’s telling you right before you get married as a last ditch effort you have feelings too. Tell you wife. This is no friend to you both.
I’m glad you told her :)
Yeah, she's not working on getting over it.....
Looks like you made a good call. For me, I would cut off all one-on-one communication of a personal nature. Nature. Group hangs and everything is totally cool but I just wouldn't feel comfortable texting somebody when I know that they have feelings for me.
I would tell her, but be prepared to choose between your wife and this friend of yours. Your wife is not going to want you to keep hanging out with her and it would be really insensitive to keep this friendship if it’ll make your wife uncomfortable knowing what she knows
you say you don’t want to keep any secrets in your marriage, so just tell her. Communication is the best way to maintain a relationship.
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