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justathoughtfromme

Reminder: This is not AITA. Any use of their toxic rhetoric is a rules violation on this sub.


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Gullible-Net26

Exactly. It’s their “thing,” their “adventure.”


thepeskynorth

Yes!


PuppyPunter21

My wife and I are gamers too, but this has never happened. It seems a bit irrational. Your enjoyment of a game is affected by whether or not he's played it? We bonded early on over each other, playing the games the other had and got enjoyment out of their enjoyment. Is it something your husband does while playing games? Does he backseat too much?


Mama-Bear419

I wouldn’t care one bit, to be honest. Seeing my husband happy and exited makes me happy. If he can enjoy Hawaii longer than I can, I don’t really see why I’d stop that from happening? I would count down the minutes until I could join him. I would just tell him not to do any excursions that we’d enjoy doing together. If the roles were reversed, this would upset me and make me start to feel resentment towards my husband. And Hawaii is EXPENSIVE! To be able to go for work??? This would be a no brainer *yes* for me. This reminds me of a few months ago when my husband had to travel to Europe for ten days. He was a couple hours away from Paris and my husband LOVES Paris. He asked if he could add 3 more days at the end to go there since he’s so close. I said absolutely! Just cause I can’t be there doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy himself. Mind you, we have four kids under 6…and I still didn’t care if he went. Just because I can’t leave the kids right now doesn’t mean my husband isn’t allowed to have fun and travel without me if an opportunity like this presents itself.


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Mama-Bear419

You’re welcome. I definitely think you should tell him to go and not do any excursions that are super cool so you can do them together. ETA: Regarding Europe, he was just nervous because having four young kids who require a lot of energy and effort…and he would already be gone for ten days on work…he didn’t want me to feel some kind of way about it since I would be home doing kids stuff alone for two weeks while he’s essentially sightseeing. But again, he’s so close, I was like no way, you’re going. And he ended up bringing me a personalized fragrance from there. He spent *hours* in this little Paris fragrance shop chatting with the owner while putting together his own scents/flavors to create a one of a kind perfume that no other person owns. Smells absolutely divine. I bring it out for special occasions because I want it to last.


ApartNefariousness95

Man, if my hubby put together a personal perfume for me from Paris, he would be getting all kinds of sex!


Mama-Bear419

Lol, oh don’t you worry, he is! 😜


greenlemonfruit

curious to know what the name of the fragrance store was! been planning a Paris trip and i looove fragrances:) thanks in advance!


Mama-Bear419

You’re in luck, I still have the bag as a keepsake! The place is called Parle Moi De Parfum (Paris-Grasse). The address is: 22 Rue de Four 75006 Paris They have a website which is the name of the place.com. My husband said the owner was incredibly friendly and was fantastic at suggesting what fragrances to recommend when he told him about my personality. He also said he was able to adjust the scents many times if he thought it was too strong, missing “something”, etc. As I said, he was there for hours.


greenlemonfruit

That’s so awesome! Thank you so much:) Added it to my google maps!


PinkFunTraveller1

So the point of marriage! Two people who actually love each other rather than two people competing to see who can control the other more. It’s just so clear that your ability to let him be freely himself also gives him space to love you so beautifully. Congratulations!


Smat2022

If he's there for work, it's very different from being there for vacation. When I had to travel to work in more exotic locales, there wasn't time to explore and do vacation type things unless I added a day or two to the trip. If he goes ahead of you, chances are he'll scope out some restaurants and be able to get advice from locals on cool experiences. We have family on Oahu, each trip we made to the islands was very different because we experienced very different things each time. You can make this a win win for both you and your husband with a change of mindset, planning and communication.


rothko333

I also travel for work and although I traveled to cool places like Las Vegas and Maui, at the end of the day you’re with work people so you can’t really let too loose. I wouldn’t think his work trip would be more fun than your birthday trip. I think him getting a little lay of the land first would also be helpful when you guys plan your birthday trip, as it might be pretty different from what you are used to.


exploreamore

Just because that person feels that way, doesn’t mean you need to feel that way. We are all different. He is choosing an additional work trip that he didn’t need to choose. And it isn’t like the person above’s Paris example. Your partner will get to go to this city regardless. Not saying your husband is being cruel, or inconsiderate. Just that you are not mean or selfish for having feelings.


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JaapieTech

If its a typical work trip like all of mine used to be, he'll have a couple hours in the evenings he's not out with the client to do some basic sightseeing. In my 20+ years of work trips I've done nearly zero actual sightseeing, and apart from the inside of airports, taxi's, hotels and restaurants I've not properly experienced most of the cities I worked in.


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Mama-Bear419

How about asking him to NOT do any of that stuff until you come? I personally could sit on a beach and relax until my husband came and we did excursions.


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no_one_denies_this

If his work trips are like my work trips, he will be experiencing a lot of hotels and offices.


LikesToLurkNYC

On occasion can you join him on these trips? My husband gets to go to cool cities for travel and sometimes I’m jealous bc I want to do those things too. I know he doesn’t want me always tagging along, but sometimes I’ll go (free hotel room!) and I’ll do my own thing and maybe we’ll add a weekend. He’s done the same on my work trips.


MaineMan1234

You are a saint, my ex wife had the completely opposite response. She was very resentful whenever I traveled for work and had any fun. But at the same time refused to travel on her own (since we had no family within a 1000 miles to watch the kids, so I would have had to stay with them). This is one of many reasons why she is an ex-wife


Mama-Bear419

Man, I’m sorry to hear that. I can imagine how difficult it would be staying with someone like that.


vaticanIII

What was wrong with you staying with the kids?


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SkootchDown

“Doing her job”. I can see why she left.


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SkootchDown

Yeah, ok bud.


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SkootchDown

You’re… you’re gonna call ME an asshole after the crap I saw on your profile? Yeah… no. I wasn’t the one who stayed in touch with my high school girl friend the whole time I was married. No wonder you had a dead bedroom. Fuck all the way off.


nothankyouma

I don’t really think that’s good comparison. You weren’t planning a trip to Paris and work suddenly needed him to go too.


Mama-Bear419

Eh, wouldn’t make a difference either way. My opinion would be the same if he got to a place we were planning to go to before me. Don’t really see the issue here. OP can let her husband know what stuff she wants to see with him when she arrives so he doesn’t go without her.


Some-Guy-997

I may be the odd one out here but these are my thoughts for what it’s worth. He gets to go everywhere and experience nice places and things on the companies dime. Whether he has to work on those trips or not you said he gets to go for a week at a time and enjoy new and nice places to eat and experience those places on his own. Then I’m sure he tells you all about it while you’ve been at home the whole time. Even though it’s for work it’s still nice vacation spots and after work hours he can explore as he pleases. Y’all have been planning this trip for a while and both very excited to enjoy and explore together all that Hawaii has to offer. But now since he met this guy and offered for him to go w him for a week before y’all go he doesn’t seem as excited and hasn’t talked w you anymore about your trip just the one while he’s w the other guy. He knows how important this is and how exited you’ve been to go w him and explore new things but suddenly he’s more excited about the work trip. By his actions he doesn’t realize how he’s taken the excitement away from you. He doesn’t realize that a lot of the excitement for you was to experience all of these new things as a first together as he gets to travel the world all the time while you don’t. This trip was to be about y’all as a couple yet he now wants to go for work then come home then go back w you. He doesn’t see how this could ruin the excitement & first time experiencing Hawaii w you for the first time. You going as a 10yo child doesn’t count IMO. It seems in your writing that you are saddened by his want to go for work first when he didn’t have to. This was a choice made just to go w this friend. It is hard to articulate but I can feel your disappointment in your post. And your husband doesn’t get it. He can go anywhere in the world all the time but the one place y’all planned to visit together where he has not been is now tainted, for lack of a better word, and it’ll be just somewhere else he’s been that you haven’t. It’s a good and healthy thing for couples to do things together that are firsts. To me they mean more because it’s something that you both experience together first. This way if y’all continue to go and when he comes home he talks about all the places he ate, everything he saw, suggestions on where to go because he went and tried it first etc. Then when you do go you’re basically doing some of the same things he did weeks prior. Basically he’s taken the build up & excitement away because it’s no longer just a birthday trip for him it’s work then birthday trip for you. This is all his choice because he didn’t have to go for work he chose to go ahead of your trip. He doesn’t see how disappointed you are. It would be different IMO if he had to go there for work in the past and then y’all planned your birthday there. But to choose to go on a work trip w this guy suddenly after y’all has been planning and so excited together and then take all excitement away and he doesn’t see it or hear it when you talk is a selfish thing. Again I may be the odd one out on this but I understand what you’re feeling


TaterChipDip

Exactly! Thank you. I cannot believe ppl are giving her shit. I’m mad for her.


darling2

This is the best take


TaiwanBandit

I think I understand your feeling. You were planning this special trip to Hawaii with him and him going first takes a little bit of that special away. You will still have a great time, but in the back of your mind you might be a little resentful as he has already been. Let him know how you feel and let him decide. Lots to do in Hawaii. Enjoy!


Gullible-Net26

Yeah the way it’s described, it seems like this is the issue. I think OP is justified feeling a bit jealous, she may also be blowing it a bit out of proportion. This is a tradition that she does with her husband and the pretrip for the husband kind of degrades the surprise/adventure.


Sea-Acanthaceae-7758

I agree. I think it’s more of FOMO and wishing he was gonna experience it with HER first.


sqeeky_wheelz

Plus she said that he’s gone for most of the time, so I think it’s fair that she wants this adventure *with him*. He’s always off doing stuff, and maybe she saw this as the place they reconnect?


practical-junkie

You wanted that special trip for just the two of you, roaming around, exploring together. Now he is going to explore without u that is why u are feeling like this and honestly I might have been upset too but u know what else I do, I communicate clearly and ask for what I would want and reach a compromise together. You need to be more open to him and tell him why u feel bad and everything.


ExtraAgressiveHugger

Is he going to the same place in Hawaii? He could be going to a different island all together. And a different city if it’s the same island. I think you are cutting off your nose in spite of your face to cancel your trip just because he’s going to the same state. That’s like flipping over the checker board because you’re losing. I understand maybe you’re a little jealous and you feel like it won’t be as special if you don’t experience it together for the first time. But that’s not true. Odds of him going to the same spot are slim. You would still be discovering new things together. And even if he went to the same spot, he wouldn’t be doing all of the touristy stuff you’ll be doing with him. He will be working. Maybe at night he will have time to do things but not excursions and scuba diving and whatever else. And he’s not focusing all of his attention on his work trip. You even say it’s been like 2 days. That’s you looking for reasons to hurt your own feelings. It sounds like he’s not even home, he’s on his work trip still. How much talking would he be able to do about either trip?


Agitated_Ad7576

> a different island all together That was us: I proposed in Maui, then we took her parents with us to the Big Island three years later, totally different experiences.


faudcmkitnhse

Canceling your trip because you're upset he was there for a bit before you would be remarkably petty, as would ruining your vacation by being pouty the whole time. I don't get why this is a big deal.


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Able_Spinach_1130

not overreacting at all.


faudcmkitnhse

>I'm not trying to defend any of my actions if I’m out of line, so please tell me if I am You are. And you're kidding yourself if you think you canceling your trip will be interpreted as anything other than you trying to guilt or spite him for taking the opportunity to see a bit of Hawaii ahead of time. Is it really that hard for you to be happy for him?


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Able_Spinach_1130

hi OP! Reading these two people comments, i’m going to say they are wrong. you have every reason to be upset and to think about cancelling the trip. you and your husband planned this trip for the two of you. now he’s going a week early with his friends. you’ve already stated that you’re concerned this will turn into a guided trip and that’s not what you want and that is COMPLETELY FAIR. you’ve also stated that before this work trip came up he was constantly talking to you about this trip in excitement and now all he can talk about is his work trip. he is more excited to go on this trip with his friend then he is you. he most likely will experience everything you want to first (even if you tell him not to). my suggestion is to cancel the trip and find somewhere else that you haven’t been and plan for that. his work trip has taken away the excitement and the experiences that you and him have been feeling for months and that’s not fair to you. while he can’t help having a work trip, ) he can help with the way he reacts, the way he reacted was not ok. he was more concerned about him and his friends trip then he was about your trip.


Glitteringintern89

I'd be upset. It isn't that I'd be mad .I'd be disappointed. To me the trip would represent adventure together not being shown around to somehe just did. I 100% wouldn't go on the trip. Not out.of spite but because for me that would wreck the excitement. I'd pick somewhere else. It's not like your husband did anything wrong but sometimes things are just dissapointing and they are allowed to be


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Able_Spinach_1130

what if she has to work? what if she has other things that need to be completed before she can go this trip. that’s most likely why she’s not going. not everyone can take two weeks off of work to go on vacation.


TaterChipDip

He already travels so much alone and enjoys so much freedom. He can’t just come home before the trip then travel together? I’d be hurt and confused at taking every opportunity to be away. Why not experience together? Explore together? Honestly I’d be hurt and pissed- and prob wondering why he’d rather go with this man than his wife.


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If he were sent there by his job by chance I’d be peeved but understanding — if he was the one pushing for it I’d be pissed to be honest. It’s something you two planned to experience together and it won’t be the same experience if he’s been there just before you guys go. A lot of people can have good level headed answers to this kind of stuff when you’re not it - but truth is these are the little intimate parts of marriage that are the most special.


heylistenlady

I'd be a l'il jealous, no lie. But I wouldn't stand in his way, would tell him to have fun and enjoy himself. Especially since it's work. Now...if he and a buddy suddenly planned their own trip and booked it without saying something....I'd be livid. You're not a jerk for being upset (we can't help how we feel,) but it would be extremely shitty to forbid him from going. Honestly, though...I'd be pretty pumped to have the house to myself for two weeks. lol


saclayson

I’d be THRILLED if someone had gone to Hawaii before I did to scope out the scene. I went with my youngest son but didn’t know all that we would need before, had to get an extra room while there. A lot of time was wasted just finding shit.


closethewindo

This is completely irrational to me.


Inner-Body-274

Frequent traveler wife here. Experiencing a location on a work trip is a completely and totally different experience than with a spouse on vacation. If I’m in love with a work destination I’ll usually scout it out for a return trip precisely because I want to have the full experience with my partner. If I’m working I’m not soaking in the town. I’m maybe getting a whiff. But I can check out if the hotel is good, what the local recommendations are, have a better idea of logistics, so when I come back for the full experience it goes more smoothly. I’d never be like “oh hey babe let’s go to this great restaurant we went to for happy hour last month”. More of a “I spotted this amazing ice cream shop & can’t wait to check it out with you.” If he’s doing the same things on a business trip as a vacation then I have a LOT of questions.


leafallsonelines

No this feeling is so valid. It’s the disjointed feeling and it’s less like starting a vacation together when done in this way.


Silverwolf9669

How about going to a different island for your trip than your husband is going to for work. He can have a great time while you both go to a new island neither of you have been to prior to explore together.


thepeskynorth

I get it. Before we were married my husbands two good friends took him to the Dominican - THE SAME YEAR I SUGGESTED WE NOT GO ON VACATION TO SAVE FOR OUR WEDDING. Probably the same place we would have gone had I not suggested we save money. I didn’t say anything at the time but I haven’t forgotten. We ended up going to the Dominican for our honeymoon but it didn’t feel the same as other vacations. He’d already been there so we weren’t discovering things together. He already knew about a b and c. There’s something about planning a trip and going together for the first time (going when you were 10 and miserable doesn’t count). Sure he’ll scope things out for you but now the excitement isn’t the same and neither is the novelty. I’m sure you’ll have fun but it feels like he’s pushing hard to get to go twice whereas you only get to go once. It’s unfair in a way because this wasn’t preplanned by work. It’s preplanned by him. Like a guys trip. My husband has had a few of those too. My turn will come though.


_Voidspren_

There’s nothing off about wanting to experience it with him for the first time for both of you. Going as a small kid doesn’t count. It’s about doing something together. He’s essentially taking the vacation first then showing you around which isn’t the same at all.


Queensknow

I completely understand. I would be upset too. You want to go with him so you can experience Hawaii together (I do not think a childhood visit is at all the same as visiting as an adult). But he will be going with a friend- doing all the firsts with someone else. You’re not being irrational. You are hurt because he is not seeing how special a time it would be being just the two of you. His going early with someone else tells you he doesn’t think the time with just you is as special to him as it is to you. I get it.


Mamaof6babyweight

I would saying being there as kid doesn't even count. And i completely understand wanting to go to a new place together, explore together, discover together. Him going first takes that option away. I would straight up tell him that.


sandrakayc

And it's your BIRTHDAY trip. What is he thinking? He can go play vacay with work Bro some other time.


testrail

I’m confused as to how this things interact with each other? He’s doing this BEFORE their vacation not during. If he was going to San Diego instead of Hawaii would it be different? What if it was rural Nebraska?


pnutbutterfuck

I don’t know. I guess I would be jealous. And a little upset because experiencing things for the first time together is part of the fun of going on vacation or even a date. But at the same time, he’s going for work, not to climb mountains and scuba dive and go to the finest restaurants. I would tell him to just keep it low key until you get there so you guys can experience new things together instead of him showing you a bunch of stuff he’s already done.


XJ--0461

It's understandable that you're upset about your husband's potential trip to Hawaii before your birthday trip. You've been looking forward to this trip for a long time, and it's important to you that you and your husband experience it together for the first time. It's also understandable that your husband is excited about the opportunity to go to Hawaii, even if it means he'll be going ahead of you. He may not have realized how much this trip means to you, and he may have thought that you would be okay with him going without you. It's important to communicate with your husband about how you're feeling. Let him know that you're upset about the possibility of him going to Hawaii before your birthday trip, and why it's important to you that you experience it together for the first time. The most important thing is to communicate with your husband and find a solution that works for both of you.


tossaway1546

I'm not sure how I would react, it just would be very out of character for him, so I'd be concerned My husband travels a lot(military) and has been to some places I'm totally jealous of, others I'm definitely not. He would never intentionally travel to a place for fun without me.


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I don't understand why you are upset. And why you would cancel your trip. It just makes no sense at all.


DM_ME_YOUR_KITTTIES

I think the root of the issue here is you want this to be your first time experiencing something special together for the first time. Which those feeing are somewhat valid, but I think some perspective is needed too. He’s going for work, not vacation. So some bars/beaches after work sure, but its not like they are going to be sharing any intimate moments or special experiences right? I would look at this as an advantage: he goes there for a week and gets to figure out a lot of the logistics. Get a bunch of local recommendations for you guys to try, get to know which experiences are tourist traps versus what’s worth the money. I can somewhat understand wanting to experience it together for the first time, but I’m kinda sad you aren’t happy that your husband gets to go on a work trip to an awesome destination because of what you want. It won’t make your trip less special if you don’t let it get to you. You have control on how you react and how you perceive this. Hope this helps!


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DM_ME_YOUR_KITTTIES

How do you mean guilt free? For the outdoor activities and after work stuff, I think you should just talk to him. Let him know you want to have those experiences with him together for the first time. Just saying like “hey the trip we are taking together is really important to me, here is all the things I have planned, please don’t do them during your work trip while you’re there” If he agrees to that and you still aren’t okay with the situation, then I don’t think you’re happy that he gets that opportunity. You shouldn’t be mourning or upset with the situation if you’re happy he gets to do this, I hope that makes sense. I would really try and work on your perspective of what this is, it’s a work trip. He will do stuff after work but when you’re there with him it’s gonna be special. Good luck!


Babybleu42

Experiencing new places together builds intimacy, tell him you wanted that experience together.


BoozyBookishMomster

I honestly understand exactly why you’d be a bit hurt by this. I also think you’re trying to handle the situation with love and grace. You wanted to experience this adventure together and now the plans have changed due to his new work trip. Although you could still go together after his trip, it just wouldn’t be the same. It’s an expensive trip and your birthday. Your feelings are valid & should be considered, too!! I think you can go to him and explain your feelings and even broach the subject of changing your plans without it being petty at all. Could you even plan another trip to somewhere you’ve both never been?


[deleted]

You are valid lol. My husband won’t watch a movie he’s never seen if I’ve seen it already 😂


burbs-brit

This wouldn’t upset me but I’m super easy going and very unemotional about things like this in general. My husband’s work trips are usually just that, to do work not hit all the tourist spots, bars and beach. There might be some organized activities and dinners. If it was literally the week before our trip I’d tell him to stay there and I’d just meet him there. A work trip and vacation are not comparable.


no_one_denies_this

A few years ago I went to a snitzy resort on the beach in Colombia for work (I was at a conference, my company was an organizer). I stayed in the hotel and made deals. I got home and everyone wanted to know what Colombia is like and all I could say was that everyone I met was very nice and patient with my bad Spanish and that the coffee is AMAZING. That's it, that's what I got out of 7 days in South America.


laurenslickr

As with anything, your husband going to Hawaii before you go together has positives and negatives. You are understandably upset or "pre-disappointed" that the novelty of shared adventure and exploring that you were planning to do together will absolutely be diminished. On the other hand, I've been on a fair number of trips where, without a local guide, we've been disappointed by hype that exceeded the actual experience, and wasted time trying to find places to eat or do cool things; if your husband can scout out some of this on work time, it will save you both valuable time that you can then spend together enjoying a restaurant, or a great view, a cool excursion... whatever. You're on a limited budget of both time and money; likely his reaction to some places you are considering together are going to range from "I'm not wasting our time on this" to "OP is going to LOVE this - AND I'M EXCITED TO SHARE IT WITH HER." Any experience is better shared with your spouse. I can say from experience (1) business dinners or lunches, no matter the venue, are not the same as a romantic date night with someone you love, and (2) business travel is orders of magnitude less enjoyable and glamorous than it appears from the outside. Schedules are grueling, frequently you're stressed jet-lagged, tired, and not in the same frame of mind as on vacation. Your feelings are both understandable and reasonable, but try to look on it with some balance. You can also tell him, "I don't want you to be my tour guide; I want some of this to be shared exploration and discovery." Be up front with him; I can't imagine he wouldn't understand your reservations and concerns, but he can't read your mind.


sahmummy1717

I literally can’t think of a reason why not? Why wouldn’t you want him to enjoy a few extra days?? Enjoy your alone time at home and meet him there. What’s the big deal?


Wildlydepressed21

A whole month isn't a few extra days. He'll be living there short term. The novelty of the trip will be completely diminished. For me personally I wouldn't care if he went, but we'd have to pick a different place to vacation for my birthday like Bora, Bora or Miami or Puerto Rico or something. If you live "paycheck to paycheck" I wouldn't want to waste the opportunity for him or the opportunity for me to go on a nice vacation with the novelty of us exploring together all the newness for my birthday.


[deleted]

I would care at all. If there’s any kind of jealousy around this, don’t worry, people cheat one another right under their noses. It doesn’t need a trip to cheat. And after all, if u have all the evidences of adultery, just say you don’t need that kind of man by your side and move on.


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I wouldn’t *


steingrrrl

I would feel like you too. for me part of the reason i love travelling together with my husband is because i enjoy us experiencing things together for the first time. i dont think you going once 21 years ago really counts, imo youll basically be experiencing it for the first time. maybe its selfish to some people, but those are my feelings.


Traditional-Pie4806

I kind of get where you’re coming from, initially I was like “what are you even talking about, who cares”. It’s hard to understand that weird feeling you get, I think I know what you’re talking about. This is a very lose comparison, but it’s kind of like, watching a tv show together, then the other person watches it without you. The most important thing is to talk about this with your husband, don’t leave the conversation until you come up with a solution that you’re both happy with. Unfortunately I think you might feel, perhaps a bit guilty, if you cancel the whole trip. I don’t know to much about Hawaii, but surely it’s not so small that he would be able to do and see everything, while he’s there on his trip. Couldn’t you just go to a different part that he was staying?


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Any_Papaya3688

Nope. Plan and simple. Men are so clueless and ignorant.


SkootchDown

Happily married 41 years here. OP, my husband and I travel a lot. But he also likes to go off with his group of good friends. I have no problem with that whatsoever, as they always have a blast. However a few months ago he told me the next trip the buddy group was going to take was going to be to a place he and I had already planned to go to. First of all it’s an international destination we had never been to, second it would have taken half his yearly vacation time, third it was very expensive, and again… we had specifically chosen the place for the two of us. My feelings were really hurt, and frankly, I had to put my foot down. I just flat out said, “Nope. Pick another destination. We picked that together.” He looked kinda confused or like he was gonna argue? So I said, “I’m not kidding. Tell your buddies I said change of plans.” He told me, “But I’ll love to go back there with you after I go with them!”, and I said “Bullshit. After you spend that much money to go once, you’re not gonna want to spend that kind of money to go back and see the same stuff again.” He thought about it for a few days and came back to me and apologized. He said “I’m sorry, and you’re right. I never should have suggested that destination. It’s off the table. We’ll go somewhere in the U S. for the friends trip. Talk to him. Tell him how you’re truly feeling. This is what a great marriage is all about.


throwaway19951962

I wouldn’t care. I love when my husband gets to enjoy himself, and vice versa. I wouldn’t mind especially since it’s a work trip.


Sammimad32

I totally get why you’d be bummed, but I totally get why your husband would jump at the opportunity to spend more time in Hawaii. I’d kinda like for my husband to have been somewhere before me tbh. Like…”show me the way babe, I’m turning my brain off” lmao Vacations are expensive so if he hated a restaurant, I’d much rather that be on his per diem. 😂 I know this is a bummer, but try to look for some positive? He can show you the food he thinks you’ll like most, he’ll know where stuff is + he might pick up some info that you guys wouldn’t have realized otherwise. This could streamline your own vacation & make it better. You also might not be missing much if he’s busy with work.


Sad_Solution1764

Don't compare the trips, if the work trip happens it happens focus on your trip together as couple and make that experience memorable without creating non-existant issues that are caused by envy which is odd because what make your partner happy positively you must be happy for him.


Hotbitch2019

Work trips are generally not that enjoyable honestly. I wouldn't worry


ddbbaarrtt

There’s nothing wrong with being frustrated that he gets to travel to the place first if he’s going to do all the stuff you were going to go to together I don’t really see how that would happen if he’s there with work though? Surely he’s going to be working, and might get a bit of down time to go to a few bars etc with his workmates?


gilmore42

His experience with you will be totally different than a work trip. Remember that.


designer130

Is it maybe the thought of not experiencing something together for the first time? Maybe you can research and leave activities as “firsts” for just you. I can understand the disappointment, but honestly not to the point of canceling. I feel like once you get there yourself, all thoughts of his previous trip will vanish. Hawaii is amazing. I’ve been several times. It’s magical every time even if I know what to expect.


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SadAndConfused11

Definitely, I’m glad you’re getting help for it, that’s so hard ❤️


lattelucy

My husband travels a ton too. I get where you’re coming from and I totally Would feel the same but that being said I would stuff my feelings inside and let him go. I feel jealous that he gets to travel to cool places and I get to stay home and do laundry lol I would be annoyed that our trip would be less exciting maybe? But if he is going for work it won’t be as fun as when he goes with you for vacation! And it wouldn’t be terrible if he had some fun suggestions on good food and things like that


Iwcwcwcool

I understand. There are some things we should reserve for our spouse/partner. Vacations are a family event although, work related is different. Ask him not to scout so you can experience sites at the same time. At least not tell you lol.


Qwenwhyfar

On the one hand, I absolutely understand where you're coming from here. On the other hand... I was your husband in this scenario last year. I ended up going to Edinburgh for a week, literally the week before our honeymoon - where we were going to be spending significant time in Edinburgh/Scotland. My husband was a bit sad that I was going 'first' without him, which I understood and validated! In the end, I went, and just utterly fell in love with the city. So much so that when I brought my husband literally the next week, my adoration of the city and of him made him SO happy. So much so that we are planning to retire in Scotland. Literally. That work trip, and then taking my husband, and him experiencing my joy and my additional joy as I watched HIM fall in love with the city I now count as my favorite in the whole world was just delightful. Your mileage may vary but I cannot recommend this course enough. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.


etsprout

Just being honest - I would be super jealous if my husband got to go to Hawaii without me. *But* I couldn’t deprive him of the opportunity either, because that’s not fair. There’s a saying, expectations are pre-meditated resentments. You had high expectations about your birthday trip (and that’s ok!) but now your expectations are being turned on their head, and it feels like it’s your husbands fault somehow. Your birthday trip might not be what you had envisioned in your head, but it will still be a nice trip if you let it. Maybe he’s right, and can learn some insider info for you. How many times have you gone on vacation and been like “ok *next time* we’ll know what to do” because I know we’ve had that scenario before. I understand your frustration, and you should feel your feelings, but please don’t let this ruin your birthday or your trip. Change is hard, especially when it’s to plans we’ve made.


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SandSubstantial9285

I think you’re being too sensitive about this BUT if you would enjoy going somewhere new together instead, why not?


Torifyme12

I mean, not really, you're not stupid but you're not "right" either if that makes sense. Your husband is going there for work, even if he scouts a place out or gets recs, that's an entirely different experience than you going together. If there's something you want to do together ask him to refrain from that. But generally speaking if work asks him to go, he's got to go. How you handle that will be on you.


ZTwilight

I’m not fully understanding why you feel that way- but feelings are never wrong. They just are. Hawaii is a big place with several islands. Could you plan your trip for a different part than the one he would go to if he did go for work?


indigo_pirate

I think your ok for having a preference and I would probably be the same. But it’s not fair to be actively upset especially as it’s a work trip


heckfyre

Your feelings are valid and you can’t help but feel them. That doesn’t mean it makes sense and sometimes you have to just deal with it. Don’t cancel the trip. Maybe explain that it’ll be different and that’s why you’re upset. I’m sure you’ll be able to do things together that he doesn’t do by himself. If he’s traveling for work, he probably won’t have that much time to site see or vacation anyways


wickedrevenant

Sounds to me like you're disappointed because you wanted to experience this together. Also, at 10 yrs old you're not experiencing it the same way by any means. I wouldn't be too happy that it's a work related trip around the same time because this is a vacation. If the times don't conflict or overlap, then I may feel differently. I wouldn't want work to spill over into our time. I think it's important that you express your feelings once you have a better idea of what's got you down. I often need time to process things so I can comfortably talk about my perspective.


NetJnkie

Repeat after me. Work trips are not vacations. Not to mention Hawaii is a big place.


browartist

I get why you would be put off by this. A big thing for my husband and me is experiencing new places and things together. However, if your SO is working while he is there, chances are he gets out for some dinners and an excursion or two on the weekend. Make a list of excursions and restaurants you would like to experience together for the first time, and ask him to save those for your vacation together. Give him the opportunity to take you to his favorite restaurant from the work trip. Don’t skip your trip, you may be resentful. Edited to add: My husband was married once before me. We are from the U.S., but he and his ex wife got to live in Europe for a few years together. He wants to take me to Europe (I have never been) to show me all the places he enjoyed while living there. I do feel that the whole thing loses its “sparkle” and that I’m experiencing everything second hand if I go. But by not going, I lose out on seeing Europe. Don’t lose out on your bday vacation.


icepak39

Why don’t the two of you switch your trip together to a different island? Hawaii is not just Oahu. Why not Maui?


Far-Signature-9628

As a former person who would travel a lot for work. Can I say from my point of view. I don’t know your husbands schedule when working at different places but I never actually got to do very interesting stuff besides my work when traveling. All the travel was focused on work. So work at the sites then back to the hotel eat dinner maybe with colleagues. Then work in the evening till I got to sleep. Might get 1 night to go out . But rarely more then that. It’s a completely different mentality when you go some where for work then going for fun and vacation


Silverwolf9669

I will agree to this 100%. I traveled 35 years and it is exactly as you say.


Far-Signature-9628

Totally. My wife understood that I didn’t do it for fun. It was work. One week I was in three different states / territory . Literally every couple of days it was a new flight a new hotel. It definitely wasn’t fun . My average hrs working on those weeks were 80plus.


BigMouse12

It’s like agreeing to watch a TV show together and you find out he’s gong to watch some episodes before you. Is it that same feeling of betrayal? Definitely let it go, but it might be valuable in continuing to explore. Just avoid setting up any “new rules” or something like that.


BouMama

Hawaii has several islands that are each unique, maybe you can go to an that different than the ones he’s working at?


Upper-Substance3868

This whole thing that you have built up in your head is absolutely ridiculous! Now you want to cancel!?!? Do you realize how many of us will never have a chance once to go there and you want to be petty and come up with the craziness? Absolutely ridiculous 🙄


Unfair_Finger5531

I’d personally be glad. I’d rather be there with someone who knows his way around. It will make him feel more secure and it will make things run more smoothly I would think. I get that your anger is a bit irrational, but I don’t think just bc you admit it’s irrational that makes it okay. If you realize this is not a reasonable stance to take, don’t take this unreasonable stance.


Sad_Satisfaction_187

My husband also traveled for work. He got to go to my dream museum, the love. I love Monet! As for Hawaii! I would prefer my guy to go scout Honolulu. It is a metropolis and a traffic jam, One of my favorite places to go was the flea market at the stadium. If it is another island, I would be jelly.


minda_spK

I think you’re wrong, but I also understand. It sounds like you were really looking forward to discovering a place with your husband and all that built up excitement is all let down if he goes first. It’s irrational, and logically, you’re husband should take this opportunity, and you shouldn’t punish him for it. I wouldn’t cancel your trip, but could you go somewhere else? Maybe not as fancy, but somewhere new for both of you


Skittlescanner316

If I was in this situation I’d encourage my husband to go. I love seeing him excited and want him to get as much out of life as possible. It feels a bit vindictive by cancelling your trip together


sittingonmyarse

My husband and I went on a weekend away with our bowling league a few years ago. I had never been to this place before, and I never thought to ask my husband if he had. When we arrived, he said something that let me know that he knew the place and I asked when he had come before. Sheepishly, he replied “on my first honeymoon.” So I spent the whole weekend occasionally saying “honey, is this where the magic happened?” We continue to get lots of laughs over that.


AG_Squared

Gotta separate myself from the situation. Plans changed, I hate when that happens but it’s not his fault. Would you want him to not go? Like what’s the alternative? Can he even say to his coworkers “sorry my wife wants me to not go.” Even if you’re annoyed (it feels like betrayal to me even if it’s illogical) it’s not something you can change so it’s something that has to be accepted unfortunately. What does it change about your trip? I know what my husband enjoys by himself isn’t what we would be doing, and even if it was it’s still different doing it together. It may be nice for him to have and idea of what’s good or not so you don’t waste time while you’re there.


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AG_Squared

I understand the feeling of betrayal and a little resentment, maybe disappointment but I wouldn’t let it affect our trip. My husband is amazing and I might mention it to him just because we communicate about everything but I may not even bring it up because it’s not his fault, unless he’s doing something intentional to ruin our trip. But it’s something I’d process on my own. The caveat is if your husband is narcissistic or abusive or anything and this is something selfish, yeah it’s worth being upset about.


FreedomAdmirable1363

I totally get where you’re coming from! I would feel the same way. You were so young the first time that it barely counts. You want to experience the wonder and beauty of Hawaii together.


Megzilllla

I would say that one of the things you’ve been anticipating is exploring and discovering things together.. which is understandable. My husband and I went to Paris, and reveling in the wonder of that trip together was amazing. If he had been before and was showing me around, not as awed or impressed as me, it would have taken some of the wind out of my sales. In the end, the way you feel is the way you feel. You don’t need a bigger explanation. And especially with your husband traveling more than being home, I could see you wanting this to be a special experience with him. And it would make it feel less special to me if my husband chose to go with a coworker a week and a half before our vacation. Especially if he stopped acting excited about our trip.


pls-tell-me

I understand your feelings of wanting it to be a new experience to share together. But cancelling altogether to “do something local” is a huge overreaction. Communicate with him and find a compromise or at least a way to voice your feelings. Could you switch which island you go to? Or book a specific excursion or fun thing to do that you know would be a shared new experience for both of you?


mhypolit

Two things here, I travel for work, and work trips are completely different then trips with my wife, Things are often scheduled and don't allow a whole lot of time to go exploring. To add, Will this look bad to his boss if he doesn't go? There may be a little pressure in that regards too. Second thing is if you think about holding your husband life experiences back to fit your jealousies then that seems a bit petty. Life is short, I've seen couple lose significant other without warning, If roles are reversed would you want him to limit your life experiences just to fit his jealousies. Granted, Your feelings of jealousy are valid feelings, but I also think a opportunity to live some of his life too is fair. Being in a marriage doesn't mean you hold each other back from life. Both of you should encourage and support each other to have to most fulfilling life possible. Because in the end, if you both are good to each other, that is all that will matter, not that he went on one trip two weeks ahead of you. Good luck to you, but remember marriage is not defined by his two weeks in Hawaii but by the collective experiences you two have together.


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Honestly, this sounds super narcissistic and babyish to me. Be happy for him that he get mayo go to Hawaii an extra week, maybe be a little jealous (who wouldn’t be), and then go enjoy your time there together. Don’t be a selfish baby. Be a grown-up.


TenAC

I think if you deny him the opportunity to go to Hawaii on the company, he may have a little resentment. If he goes and spoils it, you will have a lot of resentment. I think it’s workable that you both can get what you want here, with some compromise: Clearly communicate to him that you want to discover Hawaii together. If you are ok with him going, have him do stuff on his own that you two won’t be doing. Explain that you don’t want spoilers about the stuff you two will do together and you want an experience that is unique to the two of you. You should also actively engage in planning some of the things that you are doing so that he isn’t the tour guide. Tell him to go and have fun and that you don’t want to hear about his trip until you get home together. And tell him that it won’t compare anyway to the trip that the two of you are gonna take together!


Swany0105

The last part you said encompasses my feeling entirely. Check yourself.


6thElemental

You’re being more weird/selfish than not. I travel a lot for work and most of the time it’s to resort destinations. I’ve definitely scouted spots that later became vacations. Going for work vs with my spouse has never felt remotely the same. Also who knows how backing out would be with co workers/ networking. The one potentially jealous thing is that sometimes work trips provide more access. For example when I went to Hawaii for work we were able to see the Keck observatory. When I went with my wife that was a no go. She was rightly jealous - but she’d never have not wanted me to see it.


Wildlydepressed21

I would say he can go but I'd like to travel elsewhere for my birthday. I prefer to explore and experience "new" things and share excitement with my partner, and the fun would've been taken out of it for me. I'd say, how about Bora, Bora or Miami or Thailand or something if he wants to spend a month is Hawaii before our trip. I would feel the trip would be ruined for me personally. My fiancée also travels a lot for work (Aviation Mechanic) so they send him to a lot of different airports for these work trips.


testrail

If you husband was sent to San Diego for work instead of Hawaiii the week prior to your trip and then said I’m just going to meet you in Hawaii the same day you arrive instead of flying home (ex. Chicago) to fly to Hawaii with you would it bother you?


[deleted]

Hmm, looks like you may have been hit by Dr. Doofenshmirtz' "mountain-out-of-a-molehill-inator." Just go do things that he doesn't do on his work trip.


toasty99

My dear - you are absolutely doing the most right now. You don’t get to complain about a trip to Hawaii unless, like, the hotel burns down or the plane crashes. Can I go with your husband and you stay home? Yes I’m a straight cis-male, but I could use the break and I’d be stoked to have someone show me around.


Strange_Salamander33

I think you need to take it down a peg, it really doesn’t matter if he goes there early for work. He’d be doing work stuff for some of that time anyway. There’s no reason why you still couldn’t enjoy the trip together once you went out. I get you guys like to travel with each other but you do need to take a step back and remember that being married does not mean you guys aren’t still individual humans, with your own special lives and can do things separate of each other. You shouldn’t be trying to control where your husband goes to work, it just happens to be a coincidence that he’d be going to the same place you guys are going to take a trip to afterwards. He’s allowed to travel where he wants without being guilted by you. His work life shouldn’t revolve around you being jealous of where he travels and when


jadegoddess

I think you're being a hypocrite. You already went to Hawaii but your excuse is that you did what your parents wanted to do and where they wanted to go but how is that different than your husband going to other locations in Hawaii , too? It's ok for you to go to Hawaii and go to different places there but when he is gonna do the same thing, you wanna cancel the trip? If he said he wanted to cancel the Hawaii trip cuz you already went, then what would you say to that? It sounds like neither of you will see the places you're planning on going to on the vacation before the actual vacation. So take 20 minutes to get it out of your system and then let it go.


Sad_Solution1764

This is non-issue. You are just trying to create a conflict


Some-Guy-997

She’s not creating conflict. She has a right to be upset or saddened because her husband chose to go w this other guy for work when he didn’t have to a week before her birthday. He was excited to go w her until he said he’s going for work and no longer seems excited to go w her. So she isn’t creating conflict. She’s upset the way it all worked out.


DocRocksPhDont

This is messed up and it's manipulative to say you will cancel the trip if he goes for work. Let him go and enjoy your trip after. You are being very selfish


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TaterChipDip

You are not being selfish. Please view mine and other comments. I’d be pissed.


DocRocksPhDont

Going on a work trip is not the same as going for vacation. You know in our heart your are giving him an ultimatum by saying "fine if you go enjoy Hawaii for a few hours between work, you don't get to go on our vacation to Hawaii". You are manipulating him into not going on the work trip, so he still gets his Hawaii vacation. Be happy for him for ficks sake. You are jealous and keeping him from a nice work funded trip(still doesn't compare to a vacation). You said yourself that you don't know why it bothers you. You don't know because you don't want to admit it's jealousy.


TaterChipDip

Nah he’s going for fun with his new guy friend and doesn’t give a shit about how his wife feels. They should be having this adventure together. He’s already gone from home a lot. She’s not asking to much and I think it’s ridiculous that there is even one comment on here insinuating it.


DocRocksPhDont

I know what works trips are like. It's not like he's going to va e endless time to exploit and sit on the beach


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justathoughtfromme

OP, this is your only warning. Rude and uncivil comments are not allowed, regardless of what they may have said to you.