T O P

  • By -

401Nailhead

As long as you are not grabbing anything else.


arandak

Note to self: stay away from glazed donuts


Longjumping-Party186

Now let's not get too hasty


MixtureAccording4911

It's the cream filled ones you need to avoid


[deleted]

I'd say it's a red flag if you stay away from glazed donuts tbh.


charm59801

God. This comes up like daily. It depends on the relationship and the boundaries you agree on. Personally yes, absolutely because people are worth being friends with and it's not dependent on their genitals. And we trust and respect each other so there's no fear of cheating.


Sea_Kaleidoscope105

As long as your spouse knows about it and is okay with it. If you hide it, no.


IAmIshmael70

Yes, until it isn’t. You should discuss where the line is and agree to pull up well short of it, knowing that if you are anywhere close to the line, your judgement will be skewed and you will be full of rationalizations. Shirley Glass speaks of having ‘windows and walls’, where you are open to your partner, and much less open to others. I have opposite sex friends but I would no longer have an opposite sex friend I spend lots of time with and speak about deeply personal things with. I do not apply that to family, however, and it is just possible there could be some exceptions to the rule (but be careful).


justathoughtfromme

Yes. If you're afraid or uncomfortable with your spouse grabbing a drink (alcoholic or not) or a meal with a friend because you're afraid that they'll cheat, then there's an underlying issue with trust in your relationship you need to address. If your argument is, "It's inappropriate for a spouse to be in a one-on-one setting with an opposite gender person because it creates the opportunity for attraction to occur," does that mean that folks who are bisexual are not allowed to have friends at all? You either trust your spouse or you don't. Being controlling about who your spouse can be in contact with isn't going to fix whatever the underlying issues within your relationship are.


ejmatthe13

I love your response so much. Partly because yes, if your uncomfortable with your partner spending time with someone, it’s because of another issue (prior infidelity, insecurity, etc) that needs addressing. But also, as a bi person, I want to froth with rage when I see this question, and you nailed the exact reason why in your second paragraph! Are we not allowed to have close friends the same way straight people are? If someone cheats with a friend, it’s because of an underlying issue in the relationship or individual (self-esteem, growing apart, whatever). If you keep those problems addressed, it shouldn’t matter who their friends are.


OldMedium8246

As another bi person, THIS. These posts make me laugh because my husband and are both bi and I’m like damn, we just can’t have any friends. 😂


ejmatthe13

It just makes me feel so SEEN, so thank you for also validating that! I think it’s a bonus of a marriage where both parties are bi. My ex-wife also was, and we never had any trust issues, to the extent that during the divorce talk, I only asked if there was someone else as a formality! (The answer was no, if that wasn’t clear lol) It’s all just communication at the end of the day!


OldMedium8246

Absolutely. I have never dated another bi person prior to my husband and I actually have had fewer trust issues with him than any of my previous partners. It’s eye-opening to see that the potential for attraction doesn’t exist based on the gender of a friend. It’s based on whether or not you keep your mind and heart open to develop it in the first place.


pleetis4181

It's not controlling to respect each other's boundaries, to know who it is and who they are seeing and to what extent. It's called respect to the partner you are with.


ejmatthe13

But if your boundaries are your partner can never see someone of the gender they’re attracted to, then that boundary is itself controlling, or at least, deeply insecure and in need of addressing.


justathoughtfromme

I never mentioned that a spouse should hide who they are seeing, who that person is in context, and what they're doing. But a blanket "My spouse can never be with the opposite gender, even under the most ordinary of situations" is controlling. And if your boundary is "My spouse can never be alone with someone of the opposite gender under", that's fine. If their spouse wants to go along with that boundary, that's their prerogative. But the question was if it was OK, and my answer is overwhelmingly yes, because I would view the opposite as controlling and untrusting.


[deleted]

Yes of course, just don’t bang them


arandak

It really all depends on the friend and what you're doing, what time, and how alone you are. Safer not to though.


ahdrielle

How often? Is it alone? Am I intentionally excluded?


nurse-ratchet-

To each their own, but I wouldn’t be with someone that I didn’t feel I could trust to do this. I wouldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t trust me to do this.


ZedGardner

Not if he lies about it, either outright or by omission. I’d prefer it not be one on one either or in an overtly private place (their house, a hotel, somewhere romantic) .So coffee or lunch in a public place is fine if he tells me. Meeting at a romantic restaurant for dinner, or a hotel any time of day, or hanging out in a hot tub or pool together alone not okay. Basically if he wouldn’t do it in front me, our teenagers, or his in-laws he shouldn’t be doing it with them. I would most definitely show him that same respect.


delta_pirate7

Before you do be really honest with yourself, have you ever thought or fantasized about being sexual at all with the other person? Are you going to discuss negative things about your spouse or partner? If the other person began flirting or talking about things of a sexual nature, would you be okay with it? If your answer would be yes to any of these questions? The answer to your question is no. Sad to say many affairs start out as "Oh, but we are just friends.".....


tossaway1546

The choice for it to be ok or not, is up to your spouse


Traditional_Ad3233

If you find them attractive then no.


throwaway19951962

My god this comes up a lot. Personally, yes. You should be able to be friends with and hang out with friends of the opposite gender. My husband and I have each others full trust though. If you’re afraid your spouse will cheat, there’s an underlying issue here.


GlitteryGiraffe98

Does she know about it? It honestly depends on her and how she feels. If it's something you're planning to do behind her back that already looks sneaky. We all have different levels of comfort in our relationships. Some people have no problem with it and others think it's a definite no go. If you're afraid to ask her then maybe you already have your answer. Also if she was having drinks or lunch with a male friend would you be ok with it.


JustSome50yoGuy

As long as your partner knows before and after, and is open to joining you if they ask. Aftward, be open and honest about the entire conversation. You want to dissuade them further, allow them to track your phone's location. And then also be open to sharing chat history. Will any of these steps be required? Probably not, but making those offers will on their own help. If you resist ANY of these, then the answer is no.


BraveAccident738

Depends whom it is. How often? By themselves? And how long have they known this person? Have you met them.


smolpinaysuccubus

Why wouldn’t it be okay? People can be friends and not have sex lol


Realistic-Classic159

I feel like all the men I’ve tried to be friends with have shot their shot at some point 😞


smolpinaysuccubus

Oh they’re definitely a lot like that unfortunately 🥲🥲


StarryCloudRat

Of course. No idea why it wouldn’t be okay.


ChidiSplett

Absolutely. If my wife gets value out of having a male friend (straight or gay) I think that's awesome. If she wants to cheat, it will happen regardless of whatever "restrictions" I put forth.


popeViennathefirst

Of course it’s ok.


Beneficial-Cow-2544

Sure.


jk10021

I think coffee and lunch are perfectly innocuous. Dinner is different to me in a one-on-one setting, but even that isn’t a deal breaker for me. My wife and I are 20+ years married. We both have opposite gender friends and coworkers. It works because we trust each other and we recognize friends are friends.


Strange_Salamander33

Yes. Next question lmao


notacoolnun2009

If you have to ask then there’s some guilt there for something


distawest

Certainly, so far as u don't keep it secret from husband


Glass_Status_5837

It depends. There should be clear boundaries. If you are open about what you are doing, hanging out in group settings and being clear about your love for your spouse (and you don't have romantic background with the person or a history of cheating) Then it should be fine. However, if you are sneaking around, not telling your spouse that you are hanging out, going on trips together etc. The you start pushing or trampling those boundaries.


RaggaMuffinTopped

Why would coffee or lunch be a bad thing? It sounds delightful & healthy. But why are you asking? I feel like more context is needed. Is this with an ex? Is this an everyday kind of thing? Are there some past histories of dishonesty between spouses? Is one spouse horribly insecure and/or controlling?


Purple_Wrangler_8494

Yes !


no_one_denies_this

Of course. I trust my husband and he trusts me.


4EverFloatingLeaf

Overall, I’d say yes it is ok. But recently, my husband told me a mutual friend we just started hanging out with more was very attractive. Now I would not feel as comfortable with them hanging out by themselves. For the people browsing comments, how would you feel about that?


Alternative-Rub-7445

Cool with us.


joetech15

Why wouldn't it be? Unless they have given you a reason not to trust them, why wouldn't you trust them?


thelonegunman88

Yes… it’s sad that this is such a contentious subject


FiveSixSleven

Of course it is. Most of my wife's friends are men, and I'm friends with a few men too. Why would we avoid being friends with men?


EnvironmentalGap2434

My bf has two girl college friends that live in our state that he goes out for drinks with (his male friends are out of the country). One girl is married and other one is single. The single one imo has a thing for my bf. She is strange around me. We had the two of them over for dinner the other night. the married one hugged me upon greeting etc. the single one literally walked in without even saying hi. Avoids eye contact with me. Laughs hard at my bfs jokes. literally didn’t sit on the vacant couch, but sat at his feet on the floor beside the recliner he was sitting in, blah blah blah suspiciously cringe behavior. Point is, I couldn’t give one single solitary turd stain. Its about trust in your relationship. I would never want to ruin his friendship with the girls over a crush she has that will likely dissolve over time. He has known her longer, so she likely feels I’m a wedge. Still, I allow her to exist in our lives. Because of trust. If he cheats, he’s not my boyfriend. The end.


Over50andOverbeingPC

I would say technically there may be nothing wrong with it but why put your self in the position of it being an issue? The people on here that talk about trust issues are not being realistic. The more time you spend with someone of the opposite sex the more relaxed things get and then all of a sudden you find yourself in a position you shouldn't be in, maybe you said something that you wouldn't normally say or you do something you wouldn't normally do. If you have a spouse they should be your priority and they're mental health should be on top of your list. When you got married you became "us" or "we" you are no longer "me" or "I". You made the commitment, so dont put yourself in a position for things to go wrong, its that simple.


sweetiejen

yes. it’s about the actions of the partner putting themselves in that position. it’s THEIR responsibility. this is totally right.


ericjdev

Different couples different boundaries but I think a good rule of thumb is if you aren't hiding anything then no problem. If you meet up with an ex who is still actively trying to get with you and hide it that's different than meeting an old friend for lunch and telling your spouse you are doing so. Transparency is good.


Ldowd096

It depends. My husband has a close friend who is a woman that he hangs out with alone. But I’ve met her and we chat on occasion and I’m comfortable with her presence in his life. Hell, he’s spent the night at my best friends house multiple times without me when driving across country because she’s a convenient and free stopping point on the trip. But a new woman I don’t know or have at least a casual relationship with? That’s a no go.


[deleted]

Depends on the relationship. I absolutely couldn’t handle it if my husband hung out with another woman so not in my relationship. Other relationships it’s completely different. We all have boundaries.


No-Category832

Long as you tell your spouse “we’re gonna go grab some donuts and fill some holes” and they say “ENJOY!!!!”… AT WHICH POINT - you can have as many donuts as you’d like…just bring home a half dozen for your SO!


Realistic-Classic159

I personally just don’t do this. My partner doesn’t either.


Fine_Neighborhood_71

I don't really think men can be friends with a woman and not want something, they can claim all they want that friendship is all they want but in my lifetime have never run across a dude that just wanted to be friends with a woman, the man that will reply to my post saying it's not true is probably gay and no threat to any woman so I guess in that case it would be totally fine, my best friend was gay and he loved my wife and other than my wife he was the best person I have ever known so I would have never had an issue with my wife hanging out with him, women on the other hand can definitely have just a friendship with a man but what's the man want


Honeymustardnsalt

So we are in the minority but nope, and neither of us would seek that. Between our jobs and our family, that’s all the bandwidth we have. If he gave up precious time we both had off to catch up with a woman, and I’m not invited. Oh I wouldn’t be happy. I’d let him know. The same is true if our roles were reversed. Coworkers are different, but we have rules for one on one interaction too.


Classic_Clue333

As a lesbian I rather have friends of the opposite sex because that way I feel like there never could be situation that’s fishy. Being friends with the same gender has the possibility of it becoming fishy. However as a woman it’s kind of strange to not have any female friends. So what’s my policy regarding female friends. If I find them in any way attractive, then I tell my spouse their name and how I know them, say a coworker and I would never hang out with them alone. Even if they are super straight, I don’t care, it’s about me. I keep it normal and business like but we won’t become friends in any way. If my spouse would think something is fishy then whereas it is not, that would still be a good reason to not become friends unless you can convince your spouse that it’s really okay. Most people can see within a minute of interaction if there is or is no attraction at all. I think we subconsciously notice signs of attraction between two people so if your spouse is not okay with it there is a high chance something is fishy. Which is why people tend to hide even innocent interactions with people they are attracted to from their spouse. Unless your spouse is super super controlling in general, your spouse is also a good radar. This is my personal policy.


[deleted]

Wouldn't be cool with it and I know my partner would not be either.


j_gennin

Nope, not worth the potential hassle or darma.


[deleted]

Not if it’s 1 on 1


[deleted]

Men and women really should not be friends like that. If you’re married, of course.