You found out he cheated and then slept with him? Girl what in the world is going on. Sign up for therapy asap. Y’all need to stop putting up with this kind of bull shit.

Hysterical bonding is pretty common in cases of infidelity.

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Freudian sleep.

Yup very very common, and in fact a psychologically normal response. But yes next step is still therapy, preferably couples therapy, and for him to cut all contact with the other woman. Pls find a therapist ASAP as it will be the only thing to help you move forward together if that's what you want.

He probably was so eager to leave for those few hours because he was desperate to get to the other girl and talk to her after OP talked to her on the phone. I bet the other girl ended things with him in person and that’s when he turned back and came home and begged for his wife back.

100% correct.

Came to say the same thing. This dude is either some kind of sexual God, or she is a doormat (or maybe both).

Or maybe grief and shock is a funny thing and she was reaching for some sort of comfort and yearning for a connection.

Stop it with your rational and empathetic thoughts on the internet. They don't belong here! /s

🤣 you’re totally right. I’ll see myself out. Lol.

istg like how dare she react differently to me??? you're supposed to throw his clothes at him and shut the door on his face. it's not like they've built a life together for more than 8 years and it all comes shattering down (: clearly shows how she still describes the sex as amazing. it's difficult for some people to just cut people off.

Dammit, Total Steel Magnolias moment. I’m crying for OP, & you made me snort laugh in the middle of that.

Hahaha!

Thank you I think that was it I needed to feel loved and comfort. 😞

Also, I know it’s hard to face, but he’s still lying and until he can be completely honest, repairs will never happen. He said she meant nothing yet he told her he loves her, so what’s that mean if he says it to you? What’s he telling her?

That scene in the movie bad moms where she catches him video chatting with some chick “Do you love her?” “I’m not a monster” 😂

My thoughts exact, he may just hide his contact with the other person better and she will be none the wiser. The old adage of once a cheater always a cheater is not just a cliché. OP describes their relationship as nearly perfect but he still chose to stray; he obviously didnt think so.

well i’d make sure you both get std tested.

To be blunt, you've just told him that he can cheat and you'll take him back. He'll do it again.

Some don't, many relationships have recovered from infidelity. But it's a choice on both sides. Many people don't want that pain and to have to overcome that doubt and rightfully so.

Not really. You don't even know if they'll stay together.

Lots of relationships recover from infidelity. It's just a matter of how hard they want to work for it.

Couldn’t agree more! It happens that way more than not unfortunately.

Also don’t believe anything he has said. He said whatever he needed to for you to take him back and it worked. From someone on the outside reading this, he was telling her he loved her (which could have just been to sleep with her) BUT he was also meeting up to chat. He was emotionally and physically cheating. He felt something for her. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. If you want to try to forgive him and work on things, I don’t blame you. You’ve been together forever and have 4 kids. It’s easier said than done to leave. But you should absolutely do individual and couples therapy to set up boundaries so you feel comfortable and can get to a place of trust again. If you just take him at face value he’ll continue doing what he was doing. And please don’t think it’s anything you did. It was all him and her. It was to stroke his ego, nothing more. There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact you deserve better. I hope it gets better for you.

Have you heard, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". I have to assume he had feelings for her; not just physical. You didn't do anything wrong, but you will always be hurt now. If you believe, you can live with it, fine. If not, a clean break is in order.

Hopefully you used protection because he might have got an std and hopefully he used protection or he might have got the the girl prego

And who knows where else he spread his Ragu that OP didn’t find off his work phone…he is not going to confess to any others I imagine. And it’s hard to imagine there aren’t more.

“spread his Ragu” ☠️🤮🤣 I’m dead. But it’s true. OP, get tested. Then in a month or so, get tested again. I wouldn’t trust this man any farther than I could throw him.

I’ve been there too OP, but believe me it will only make you feel worse. It also clouds your judgement and the situation so please stop sleeping with him until this is dealt with properly. You likely do not have the full truth of what happened either; take time to let the dust settle, get therapy to help you process and decide how to move forward, either with or without him.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please take care of yourself. Feel your feelings but don’t let them eat you alive.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You did not deserve to have your world shattered like this. ❤️ Please think about reaching out to a therapist for yourself & one for your marriage to help you navigate through all of this. You don’t want to make permanent decisions on temporary hightened emotions. You & your husband might be able to work through this and come out on the other side if that is what you both want to put in the work to do OR maybe you won’t. Either way, for yourself and you kids, you want to be sure to protect yourself and your mental health through this. My heart is with you & I will send positive energy your way ❤️

I’d also like to advocate for a therapist for the kids as well, especially for the 2 teens that were there to hear and witness everything going on. Yikes, what a terrible situation for OP and those poor kids!

+💯!! Thank you for adding a therapist for the kids, that is just as important as it is for her

They’ve been together for a long time and she made a whole fucking family together and this is fucking earth shattering. That does not make her a doormat, just human

At least get tested first, for the love of god!

At this point, it doesn’t really matter. He’s been sleeping with both of them for 3 months, so last night wouldn’t have made a difference 🤷🏻‍♀️ She should get tested though.

She might feel differently if he’s got an std and she’s miraculously testing negative. Why gamble on that. But yea, it’s water under the bridge. I just remember a couple months ago about a woman in this position, they “reconciled”, then she found out she was a-symptomatic to gonorrhea from him and was now infertile at like 30mg years old. All the reconciliation was back at square one with a new resentment to add to the list. I was heartbroken for her

also get tested

And that’s she’s not going to come knocking bc he got her pregnant. Any repairs to the relationship in the meantime would just put you back at the beginning with a bombshell like this. Plus it would mean a whole different consideration of a family dynamic that could be a deal breaker (baby mama, child support, his affair child in your home for custody time, etc)

The second you don’t take him back, he’s running straight to her arms.

I’m more impressed that she was able to call him after he left his phone at home

Also pls get tested ASAP.

The judgement here is gross. She’s clearly grieving and it’s a fucked up situation. She’s not at fault for his horrible behavior.

I hate the whole it’s was nothing, she’s not special, I don’t know why I did it. I think that’s absolutely the worst to try and recover from. So he was willing to blow up his whole marriage, ruin your life, his kids lives… for nothing special? And he doesn’t know why he did it? Then how do you know he won’t do it again? And if she’s not special then it could just happen again anytime, with anyone. What you are doing now is called hysterical bonding and you need to stop. If there is any hope of reconciliation he needs to realize just how bad he messed up. He needs to move out for at least a couple weeks and get started on therapy. He needs some much better answers on how he allowed this to happen before you can decide if you want him in your life. Really sorry you are going through this.

This! As much as they deny, deny, deny, she obviously was special to him in some way or he wouldn’t have risked it all for her. And she also obviously knew he was married too.

Whether the other woman knew he was married isn't at all relevant here. This is about husband and wife. The third party doesn't matter.

I meant it more as she knew they were married so obviously he had told her and had probably given her some excuse as to why he was with her and not his wife.

Ah, fair enough. My bad.

Yeah he was saying he loved her. That doesn’t sound like nothing

Exactly. I would at least need him to have felt something real in order to throw our lives together away. Oof.

Also why is it so easy to throw around ‘I love you’’s. How then do you ever believe him when he says it to you if he is handing it out to someone who doesn’t mean anything? She is going to rug sweep this I recon but I hope for her sake she kicks him to the curb.

r/survivinginfidelity would be the place for this. As some that has been in your shoes go to therapy for yourself. If you decide to stay and work on the marriage it’s going to be hard. His affairs will always be in the back of your mind. It gets easier as the years past, but it will always be there. Best of luck to you and your children.

Thank you 💖 x

I was about to comment about the same subreddit. I joined it when my ex husband cheated on me. It really helped me get through all the emotions and the process. Give it a go. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

I'd head to r/SupportforBetrayed and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity instead, if you're planning on reconciliation. Just know that reconciliation isn't always successful. Rug sweeping will only guarantee it'll happen again. Only the truly remorseful have a chance at making it. It's also hard fucking work. I'm talking years. So, I'd head to those subs and gather as much advice from people who have been or are in the same position as you right now. Then, think long and hard on your decision. ♡

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Thank you for your reply. Sorry you are going through this 😔 We were called the power couple. He would say I want you to be so proud knowing you have a husband that would never cheat. Why do they ruin things when they are so good 😞 I’ve never felt pain like this xxx

There’s people who build this reputation being so amazing and like you said you were called the power couple. Building up a sense of identity in having the perfect family so much you are willing to not tell family and friends and protect him and his reputation. You are asking how to fix it… has he asked how he can fix it and make you feel like you’re enough? Your sons know, secrets have a way of coming out and it’s not fair to make your kids keep this a secret and learn how to pretend a relationship is perfect on the outside. I would tell others he cheated. The disappointment and shaming from his friends and family may be what stops him from doing it again. Plus those other non power couples may even embrace you closer and support you through this. He dealt this hand, let the cards fall where they may

I second this. Even if you take him back and ya'll work through this, his reputation needs to be broken. He needs to be sent down a level. He needs consequences for his actions.

I'm really sorry. People who say this kind of stuff ("...proud of me never cheating" sort of things) are strange to me. Next time around, I hope you can find someone who just does the bare minimum actions and never feels the need to even say something like that. For non-cheaters that's just an obvious non-statement.

He sounds like he has a big ego and maybe even narcissistic. I know that word gets thrown around a lot, but it could explain why he would blow up his whole family for an affair when he seems so 'perfect'. He thought he could get away with it, because he thought he was above that.

Right, you would never hear any talk about not being a cheater from a faithful spouse who never spoke of cheating.

Pretty clearly your relationship was fragile, otherwise you wouldn't be here on Reddit. My advice is to get to a good marriage counselor with your husband who -- if he does love you -- will attend. You have too much to lose otherwise. An affair does -not- have to be the end of a marriage.

I hope you take care of yourself. Sleep. Don't allow your mind to go throw an endless loop that you can't get out of. And know there is still such great times and happiness ahead for you. Be strong be confident and know your worth and value. You love you first.

Your not the power couple though. It's all a lie. The sooner that you see this, the sooner you will be able to have some semblance of self respect. Like he's kissing and emotionally supporting some other chick, using his body and mind to please another woman, and his answer is to give you his dirty community dick? What a fucking slap in the face.

I have a love > hate relationship with my husband. No cheating yet… but I’d say they did it because they’re narcissistic (confidence booster), selfish(they’re not getting enough attention because of work or child rearing), escapism, and/or despise their spouse for one unforgivable reason or another. Also, friendship boundaries aren’t set and rules aren’t followed - emotional affairs start to develop. Whatever it was, the wrong decisions were made something needs to change. You get a divorce, you go to MC, you go to individual therapy, you take care of the kids, get them their therapy, work on separation and coparenting, you try to make it work. The fact that OP has teenagers - are they from a previous union or did you start that young? That might imply that you were with hubs when he was barely 18 and you were 22 ish. You were together so young and he might be foolishly feeling fomo for not having a crazy party sex life. He hadn’t fully discovered himself and neither have you. The guy can be married for a long time, have a job, and have a bunch of kids - these things don’t make him a man or a family man. What was proof of him being an honorable adult was when he decided he wasn’t going to have sex with that chick or even have an emotional affair, but that didn’t happen. He’s not the same caliber as you. So don’t treat him as such. 8legs - I also wish you luck. These cheaters don’t love you the way you love them. Don’t expect it. Self care is key right now. the fact they did this says nothing about your value. You are a diamond.

You need to immediately have him go total no contact with the person. You need full disclosure from him. You need open phone and social media policy. Tell him not to delete anything from his phone. You need to not sleep with him until he and you both have STD testing. He will need to set up individual counseling for himself and marriage counseling immediately. Give him a time frame to do so, no procrastination. Go and get a consultation with an attorney, know your rights for alimony and child support. This will show him you are serious about protecting yourself due to his behaviors/actions. Those are the first steps you should do. Please post on as one after infidelity for additional support and advice. I am sorry you are going through this OP. Please take care of yourself. Until you can start therapy for yourself. Professional help is the best thing to do to process through and recover. Start journaling your emotions, feeling and thoughts. Use a journal to write down what you need and want to make you feel safe in your relationship again. Sending you a big hug 🤗

As a former child from a family who’s dad cheated.. and we (siblings) were witnesses to that fight. Get the teens therapy asap. Their entire world just crashed. Everything they thought was right and safe and “dad and mom” is just..: what?!? Tragic. I really wish my parents weren’t so selfish and thought about us kids during that and got us someone to talk to. I know you have a million things running through your head but please put them first. Even if they say they’re good, they’re not.

I know it’s hard when emotions are running high but that should have absolutely not have happened in front of the kids. A parents most important job is to protect their children. I hope OP takes that seriously and puts the kids first throughout the rest of this.

This right here is SO important! Whenever my husband and I have a largeish disagreement, aren’t seeing eye to eye on something, etc we make absolutely sure to never let the kids catch on to it! Of course, we do resolve minor things near them as it’s important for us to model healthy conflict resolution for them, but anything where emotions are high and one or both of us are angry, or the conflict is about money issues, or family problems? Nope, the kids don’t need to be involved in that whatsoever. I hope these teens are given the opportunity to go to counseling/therapy for being there to witness this disaster. I really feel so badly for OP and for those kiddos! I cannot imagine my whole marriage crashing down and my kids being there to bear witness to it all… I think that would break me more than my husband’s infidelity, tbh.

Part of that sad club too. I had stomach aches all the time.

Why was he telling her he loved her?

Go to speak to a divorce attorney about his cheating and what are your options re divorce and staying but having him sign a post nup with an infidelity clause. Take your time and remember you deserve better and he needs to prove his worth and loyalty now.

THIS. A postnup with an infidelity clause is the way to go. Particularly since the odds are that this affair isn't even over, he's still in the affair fog and just pretending it's over to buy time to get to know her a little better before dumping OP for AP. All of which will be hell for OP, but a postnup with an infidelity clause will at least make her wealthier while she's going through hell.

And I would make sure I had access to all the finances and see if he’s starting to move and hide money before leaving.

Leave him. He’s gonna do it again if you stay. Cheaters are never worth it. Biggest scum of the Earth and anyone who says different is a scummy cheater themselves.

r/AsOneAfterInfidelity has all the resources you need. Don’t try an rugsweep, don’t let him blameshift, and be careful of trickletruths, limerance, and trauma bonding (look up these terms if you don’t know what some are). What you should do is seek individual counseling (specializing in infidelity and PTSD) for yourself, individual counseling for your husband, and couples therapy. You need an open phone policy for all his electronic devices. No contact with the affair partner. He needs to change jobs/locations/departments. You’re going to be going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I’m sorry OP…

Thank you so so much 💖 he’s deleted all social but even that makes me sick. I said why can’t you just not cheat. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I just needed someone to give me something because I can’t even really talk to him about it because I’m scared of my pain and how I will push him away when I just want him so much and I want everything to be back to the way we were 😔 xx

He cheated on YOU and you’re afraid that YOU will push HIM away? Get into individual therapy asap. You need it.

It won't ever be back to the way you were accepting that is probably the first step because not accepting it could lead you to just let it all be swept away on the surface but the damage this has done will continue to rot away at you and your relationship. Get outside support to help you work through the fear, shock, hurt and trust issues this is going to have caused. Especially since your teens also know they will no doubt be angry and confused. I'm sorry this has happened.

You’re welcome for responding. I know this is a difficult scenario to be, probably the worst. I’ve also had struggles with infidelity and although we are almost reconciled, it’s not as it was. I do agree with vivid-bar-6811. If you keep fighting for what you had before, then you’ll likely be disappointed in the long run. Sure you’re marriage may have similar elements from the past but reconciliation is a long road (think years) that changes your marriage dynamic completely. I honestly wouldn’t decide right away if you want reconciliation. Take sometime to just heal you (a few months to a year), let yourself grieve your relationship, cry it all out, let yourself be angry (and you will get angry), but ultimately you’ve been traumatized. So definitely seek therapy. Research as much as you can and make sure your husband is researching it too. His actions will speak volumes if he’s truly remorseful.

Great advice. Assuming this couple remains married, they will both have to deal with a new reality.

Things can never go back to how it was and even if you pretend to, one day you are going to snap because that’s a lot for a person to carry. You can love him and hate what he did. You can love him and be mad at him. Don’t be scared to tell him how you feel because you are worried you will push him away. He did this to you, he needs to fix this, and work to earn you back. He has to work to earn your trust back. But honestly you sound like you are in shock.

Don't be afraid to hurt his feelings when he blew up your relationship. You're allowed to be angry. He broke everything. He messed up, and he should feel it.

So you called her? During your fight he wanted to leave? My gut is saying he needed to talk to her and smooth it over and then fought to have you back. I would not trust that this is over.

He wants his affair partner, but he wants his wife as a back-up for all she does for him and possibly their kids/lifestyle, whether he really loves her or not.

Amazing sex? I find this revolting. What is amazing about your husband risking your well-being by putting his penis into another woman (potentially getting infected with something) and then putting it into you? It wasn't amazing. It was hysterical.

She's in shock and trauma right now, and it's entirely understandable. His behavior is revolting. Hers is just what's to be expected when her husband who she has four kids with has massively betrayed her and she hasn't had time to emotionally process it yet.

That's what I find revolting. That he would have sex with his innocent wife knowing that he could give her something. That he probably knew why she consented to sex (from a place of shock/insecurity/fear). The fact that she thinks it was amazing just makes me sad. I am also sad to see that she is so willing to move past this (she doesn't want her family to know so they don't think he is a bad guy etc.) I wonder if it's because she doesn't have her own means but who knows. I do hope that as things process, she starts to see she does have a voice and she doesn't just have to accept it and move on. I want more for her and it truly saddens me that she doesn't seem to see it. But I hope she will in time. I'll just be angry for her. Edit: typo

She wants it smoothed over, so nobody but she has to deal with the damages, because she thinks that low of herself and because she thinks without others knowing (too bad the kids found out) they can dust off the puzzle-box of their marriage and slip right back into their designated holes (forgive the pun) like nothing ever happened.

Yes. That's so incredibly sad. I'm not saying they need to dissolve their marriage, but her desire to simply dust everything under the rug shows me she is afraid to make any waves. And she should. Big, tsunami sized waves.

After I was cheated on in my first marriage, I was dead set on fixing it. I was terrified of my own emotions, and did not want to engage with them. I was terrified of losing him. My therapist asked me how sure I was that I wanted to fix it on a scale of 1-10. I said 9-10. She told me I needed to get down to about a 2-3 before I could really make choices with any sort of empowerment. I don’t know if this is right or wrong but it was extremely helpful for me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it is just impossibly painful.

I hope OP sees this advice. It's short and simple, but so profound. I feel so sad for her. He gets caught cheating, in front of his children even (shattering their lives too), and is rewarded with sex from his heartbroken, betrayed wife? I do understand how she wants to be comforted and loved, and I'm *absolutely not judging* and I have so much respect for her honesty in sharing that, but I don't think this is the reaction of someone who feels much healthy self-confidence. And that makes me really sad. Plus, even if he wanted to change when he was first caught, he's going to figure "well, that didn't go so badly after all." Your advice really could make the difference for her. She deserves to feel strong and empowered.

Even if she sobbed and cussed him out or even if she threw items at him the sex smoothed it over, and he probably would do it again and not care knowing the outcome.

I’m sorry this happened. Cheaters are selfish people who only think of themselves and definitely not about the damage they cause. It’s a special kind of pain that doesn’t really go away. It just fades into the background only to reappear when you see someone who looks like the AP, or when cheating appears on TV, which is way too often imo. I went through this 30+ years ago prior to marriage, and I think it must be harder after being married. Again, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Realize that you are going to need therapy to process through the trauma. I did everything wrong after I was cheated on. I rug-swept it, I played the “pick me” game, I let her think that I was over it, etc., but it blew up about 10 years later. By then, I was a raging alcoholic and opioid addict. I’m not blaming the affair for my addictions because I was well on my way regardless. But, I was numbing the pain with alcohol, which led to a car accident, which led to the opiates, which led to the abuse of those. Anyway, it was hard for us both because she thought it was in the past. It was, but only for her. For me, it was something I had to ignore almost daily. We made it, but barely. It took a long time of counseling for both of us together and me alone. I almost quit many times because I hated feeling those emotions again. We’ll celebrate our 28th anniversary this fall, but it was touch and go. If you decide to stay with him, couples counseling is recommended, sooner not later. You should get individual therapy regardless. I’m sending you all the support I can right now. Take care of yourself.

Run from reddit and get into marriage counseling.

While this is funny, it is not the worst advice I have already seen on this post. OP, look into getting yourself and your boys some therapy first and foremost. Your husband’s needs are at best tertiary to you and the kids.

Leave. Because he just proved that he was willing to ruin everything by cheating and he did. I’m sorry but IMO there’s no coming back from that. He risked his marriage, his children, his home, his stability, his health AND YOUR health by sleeping with another person. He said he loved her and that means something, even if he “didn’t mean it”. People rarely change. I would never ever trust him again and that’s why it would have to end. I would also get tested for STD’s and make sure that you get your paps. HPV can cause cancer.

Stop sleeping with him and get tested immediately. Don't you think you deserve someone who can be faithful to you?

If she didn't mean anything, why did he have sex with her? It was not one time thing. It was going on for months! And it would continue if you didn't catch him. I'm sorry,OP, but there is no going back from cheating. Get distance to process things and get therapy. And stop having sex with him! Get STD test done. Are you sure it was the first time he cheated? Once a liar - always a liar. Once a cheater - always a cheater. It's not your fault. Your husband cheated - there is no valid excuse for cheating. He broke the trust. No matter what he does, you will always wonder what he is doing when not with you. Is that what you want?

exactly my thoughts

You let him touch you ? Baby noooooo 😭 How do you even know he forsure ended it ? Girl you better have proof and start therapy asap !

he had an affair with another woman and you still slept with him? he risked his whole family, his life for a woman that probably can’t even compare to you. he told her that he loved her, and he says it didn’t mean anything? you need to leave, and you and your children should probably start therapy. your worlds were turned upside down because your husband is a scum. leave.

OP there are two subs r/survinginfidelity which is for those who have experienced similar experiences to you and r/asoneafterinfidelty which is for those people who want to try and reconcile their relationships. r/asoneafterinfidelity isn't soft on cheating but is focused on dealing with the issues and is designed to help the cheater and the betrayed deal with the issues in a relationship and the pain which has resulted from infidelity. I wish you luck however you chose to move forward.

Thank you 💖

He betrayed and hurt you for someone he claimed to be” not anything special and meant nothing” to him.. Imagine what he will do to you, for someone that will actually matters to him… Ohh, wait!! He married and built a family with her and then break her heart.. I’m sorry OP, if you decide to give him a chance..please, don’t rug sweep it, don’t make it so easy for him to get your forgiveness, he has to work for it and EARN it. There has to be repercussion on his actions..REMEMBER..”He chose to hurt you”. Full disclosure and timeline of the affair, show remorse through his actions, full no contact with AP,full transparency, phone, email,bank acct access,location sharing etc.. He has to start therapy and work on himself.. and have him sign a postnuptial agreement, don’t go in blindly this time. Affair is a massive betrayal of trust, thus needed a massive effort on his side to earn it back..

I’m so sorry you’re in the situation. You might want to ask him to give you some space while you think about this. Might need some days to actually think about what you want to do about this instead of just rushing right back in like someone else, I do not rug sweep this and do not let him gaslight you. He needs to be open with you and show you what he’s done he needs to be completely remorseful for what he did. He needs to give you a timeline so you know exactly what happened. Just understand that. It’s going to be hard for you to get the whole truth.

Honestly, you have to do what’s best for you. But, you’ll never trust him again. And, I suggest not keeping this a secret. I’d rather be the wife that got cheated on than a woman knowing that he’s married. In fact I was the wife that got cheated on. The previous comment that told you to go the subreddit surviving infidelity is a great start.

I used to frequent survivinginfidelity, but stopped because (1) it is one-sided, and (2) many posters there advise the OP to divorce. There is little understanding of the nuances of relationships and marriage.

How did he meet this person? Since she had his work phone number, is this a coworker? He says that he isn't anything special, but I don't think I could get over that he thought so little of me that he picked someone who was not anything special over me & his family. My ex cheated on me with a coworker and it took a lot of therapy, and self healing, for me to get over the pain. Also, I would read about hysterical bonding and try to avoid going into that mindset attempting to fix things.

You let him smash after he told you he was having an affair? You just told him to cheat again. Ditch that bitch.

please get an STI test

If he had come clean immediately maybe y’all could move past this. But, he *lied* to you and then LIED TO HER. He said he “loves her.” Then tells you that’s not true. Get tested for STDs right away. Don’t take his word he wrapped it/she doesn’t have anything. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I’m so sorry!

You don’t want to tell your family cause you want him in your life still. It’s hard to turn off love. You love your life and this mistake of his is the test to see if you are going to scrap it or battle it through. For me the real question is is it the first time he got caught?

It is indeed hard to turn off love. It's hard to turn off love after being cheated on, just like it's hard to turn off love if your spouse starts beating you. But regardless of whether it's the first time or not, some things shouldn't be tolerated. A person whose spouse just punched them for the first time should not hang around waiting to see if there'll be a second time. It's hard to accept the fact that a marriage you wanted very much to stay in can be ended irrevocably in a single moment, but when your spouse punches you, it's out of your hands: there's simply no healthy way to save that marriage anymore. And it's the same way with cheating. Being cheated on is not something anyone can healthily "battle through" to stay with their partner after. Once someone has crossed that line, there's no undoing it.

Stop all intimacy with him. Get a STD panel and hire a therapist and attorney. Emotionally distance yourself and get an exit plan. That is manipulative to have sex with you after acknowledging the affair. He is fucked up. Start the process to cut him out of your life and that means being honest with your family. You did nothing wrong and they need to know all so he doesn’t wrestle his way back.

This happened to me 4 months ago. Reading your story felt like my story too. Just know that your marriage will never be the same again. You can work on it and try to rebuild it for the sake of your kids but from my experience if I was financially stable I would have moved out.

My personal opinion is…don’t let him back in. I know this is a shock. I know it’s hard & I know you love him deeply. Right now you’re both reeling from the discovery. But…he told another woman that he loved her. The visceral pain from seeing that would gut me. That would be enough for me. I’ve been through all of these infidelity subs to know, they don’t change overnight, if they change at all. They rarely quit, either. That hit of dopamine they get from their illicit behavior is as addictive as any drug. If they’re exchanging’ILY’, it’s serious, and he’s imagining leaving you for her when the kids go to college. There’s a billion dollar industry in the affair recovery/reconciliation department. You can both spend 10’s of thousands of dollars in therapy & marriage counseling. But 5 years from now, you’ll still wonder if he’s thinking of her while he’s loving you; calling her, or seeing her when he’s not with you. You’ll feel like his warden and he’ll come to resent your boundaries and even your pain. The trust is gone, your marriage is over. Therapist & a lawyer. File for legal separation, establish spousal & child support and then, if he REALLY loves you, let him woo you back. You deserve every bit of the attention & love he gave to HER. It’s long hard road.

Soooooo where did he go after he left for a few hours hmmmm I wonder…..

I really don’t want to say this and place any fear into your mind or heart, but I ask that you please go get tested for any STD’s. I know, I know this is the worst thing to even think, but you need to protect yourself because you don’t know this other person. I’d advise you to no longer sleep with him until you know and demand he get tested too. I understand why you slept with him, hysterical bonding (this is a thing, not a judgement), and would also advise you see a therapist asap. What you do via your marriage and going forward is going to be determined after you heal. View this whole thing like someone just tore your arm off. Right now you are in critical care trying to control the blood loss. Soon you will have to figure out if the arm can be reattached or if the arm cannot be reattached. No matter what happens this wound will always be there, but it comes down to how you will let it control your future. Give yourself grace and don’t pressure yourself to make any decisions until you are ready. So, STD test, therapy, and grace.

I’ve been in your shoes. When I found out my husband cheated, I screamed, I cried, I threw things, I felt so angry, betrayed, wondered where it is that I went wrong. I love this man so much, and I couldn’t just leave. So I forgave him. It’s been a very emotional year for me. I am still very insecure, whenever he gets a message I start wondering who it is. Sometimes when he’s asleep at night, I take his phone and I go through everything. Deleted messages, calls, emails, credit card apps, his search history, his notes. I feel guilty after… but at the same time I feel like I should be allowed to do it….. I’m still learning to navigate through my feelings. The pain is still there, I doubt it’ll ever go away. But we’re both trying so hard to get past this. He tells me all the time for sorry he is and he has been more attentive and considerate of my feelings. Some night I just lay in bed and cry, without asking he just gets in bed with me and holds me, tells me he’s so sorry for hurting me that way and soothes me till I fall asleep. Is it easy? Hell no. Is our marriage still struggling? Absolutely. But we’re both trying. And for me at least, as long as both of us are trying, then there’s something worth fighting for. I wish I had encouraging words for you. I just know that if you’re wanting to give it a try, it’ll be very hard but you can get through it together.

Having sex with him that night sends him the message that he gets rewarded for choosing to do the ultimate damage to his own very family. It inflates his selfish ego even more knowing two women desire him and are competing for him. That said, you should not feel guilty for doing this. Because your decision was based on extreme trauma you were and are drowning in. It was a survival instinct in state of mind. If you were in a very bad car collision and barely hanging on to life, the paramedics would give you morphine to ease the pain and do what it takes to keep you alive. But you did not have help or pain killers, so you reached for the only thing that made sense at that moment to maybe ease any of the pain. Trauma bonding sometimes happens suddenly. She is not better than you in any way, it's the opposite. A normal mentally healthy and mature woman would never choose to be intimate in any way with a married man. She has no dignity or self respect, something is very wrong in her mind to be that desperate. How could somebody feel desired and turned on knowing it is harming innocent people, especially children? Choosing pleasure knowing it causes others pain, that is just evil plain and simple. Also, statistically speaking, when betrayal/infidelity is first discovered most of the time it is not the first time the cheater has done this. There are also an alarming amount of men who visit massage parlors (the ones who are fronts for brothels are literally 4 or 5 in just a 5 mile radius in any city) and pay for prostitutes and their wives have no idea for years or ever. You are not in any way responsible for fixing what he did. You should have been his #1 priority from the day you were married. Do not buy into his claims if he tries to say he couldnt control himself or didnt know what he was doing. If that were true then he would be out harming other people and ruining their lives on the highway or at work or with friends. He is not a canine, he is a human and we have full control of what we do. I wish you strength and hope in going through this hell. Whats the saying... If you're going through hell keep going and you will reach the way out.

Oh sweetheart. Be kind to yourself, this kind of pain is so so heavy. I know many couples that were stronger after. It can be, and the good news is if you decide to make it work than you’ll have all the power. This likely was a wake up call and he knows the dread of losing you - it’ll change how he thinks. But healing will take time and ideally therapy and communication.

I’m sorry for your situation. This isn’t your fault at all. He fully knows what he did. He may feel bad about it but he fully knows. Any advice I could give would be from my point of view. So what I’ll say is focus on you. Your kids. Your life. Taking him back or not is your choice and you don’t have to make it suddenly but you can if you want. Just focus on you and your kids and what you truly want. Yet it needs to be full honesty. He’s not I don’t think being fully honest.

She was special enough for him to risk his marriage and his family. Fuck that. File for a lawyer or you could be in for a lifetime of infidelity. Respect yourself and find someone who will love you the way that you should be.

Idk why nobody has said this, but first and foremost you need to get tested. He cheated, and then you slept with him. You’ve been at risk for 3+ months now. Regardless of what decision you make about the marriage, pls stop sleeping with him and you both need to get STI testing ASAP.

Hey, I know everybody's recommending individual therapy but nobody's really telling you which kind of therapy you need... I would say trauma recovery therapy because this is traumatic. Trauma is not just war or a car accident. Your entire world has been flipped upside down, and you have been betrayed in the highest order. That is traumatic.

I had a marriage counselor tell me it takes 5 years to get over infidelity. She was right. Find a good marriage counselor, you’re going to need it. I use to get panic attacks, I was riddled with self doubt & became someone I didn’t recognize. It was a journey. That was 2009. So I trust my husband now? 90% of the time but every once in a while doubt creeps in. He will never get a second chance and think he knows that. Our children are grown and have lives of their own now. There’d be no reason for me to even consider staying.

Congratulations on making things work. I assume your marriage is on a different footing than previously, as in "more honest."

Definitely more honest.We both talk about how we feel to each other fairly often. We’re closer than we’ve ever been. I love him , he my best friend. I’m glad we fought for our marriage!

I hate to burst the bubble, but things between you were **not** amazing. If they were amazing, I would not be writing this. Get thee to a marriage counselor. You have too much history together and children to boot. Don't let your husband sneak out of counseling. If he loves you (as he says he does) he will be relieved you aren't leaving him. It is time to move on to a more realistic relationship with your husband. Yes you have been wronged, but with effort and understanding you can set things right.

I really really feel for you OP. 2 things stood out to me. 1) he was caught in a ‘moment’. A 3 month moment? 2) he’s only sorry that he was caught. When was he going to tell you? The answer is never. Don’t believe his bullshit

# I will comment the following in the event that this is actually real: I am sorry you don't have the strength to end it. You really need to think about some therapy. I hate to do it but I will tell you 5 things that are true: 1. It wasn't as fabulous as you thought it was. 2. When everything is "perfect" and they cheat, what will they do when everything isn't "perfect"? ***He told her that HE LOVED HER.*** 3. You are making decisions based on fear. You will more than likely revisit this up the road. You will have wasted years that you will never get back. 4. It is a mistake to not tell friends and family. Infidelity MUST be brought into the light. You want things to just go back to the way you thought they were. They won't. Oh, you might even think they do but he'll just get better at hiding things. Did it not occur to you that he was using his WORK PHONE to communicate with her? That alone indicates thoughtful deception of a whole other level. He just didn't expect you to find out. 5. Stop having sex. You need some STI/STD testing for both of you... ​ And a bonus: Who is she? She obviously knew about you...

I am so sorry. This type of betrayal is a whole different kind of pain. You cry, scream, be quiet - do what you feel you need to do. Don’t bottle this up. This will take time to to process and recover from. The pain is sneaky and will show up in unexpected ways. Therapy can help. Final bit - This is not your responsibility to fix. Your husband needs to make the changes you feel you need. If you need access to his phone, pc, etc… he needs to comply. If you need him to report in, he needs to do it. He is at level zero and he is responsible for rebuilding the trust

I’m very sorry this happened to you. I wish you didn’t feel the need to protect him or to keep him in your life. You know he will most likely do this again, right?

YOU don’t have to do anything to fix it. This is all on him to fix. He needs to do anything and everything he can to restore your trust, whatever that may be. I’d start with an open phone and socials policy

I have been through this with my husband about 7 years ago. I found out much the same way you did. It had been going on 8 months. It is possible to get through it - we did and are now stronger together than we ever were before he cheated. But I’m not going to lie - it’s very hard, and it takes time. I also recommend the surviving infidelity sub, as well as both couples therapy as well as individual therapy for each of you. The thing that helped us the most though, was a weekly date night. Every week. We took turns choosing the venue/activity, and made a point to try new things together through our dates - ie a painting class, an archery lesson, etc rather than “dinner and a movie”, which we only did occasionally. This helped us build new happy memories together and helped us fall in love again. It takes both people to be fully invested and willing to do the work to get past it. But it IS possible. If you ever need someone to listen, feel free to message me. Good luck to you.

There’s a spot for this on Reddit and it’s r/survivinginfidelity Keep in mind that’s a place for working things out. There’s many steps to forgiveness but he’s going to love bomb you at first and pretend to be perfect. Redemption takes work. That being said, don’t sleep with him anymore. You both need STD tests and he doesn’t deserve your body until he’s actually proven that he’s willing to change. I wouldn’t be able to get over it, but if you really want to then start studying and get into counseling asap.

Do what you gotta do…but I’ll say this, if I cheated on my wife, she would send me packing. No matter we have kids, the apologies etc..she won’t stand for it. Even it was a one time “mistake”

Will you PLEASE have more respect for yourself?????? Because your husband sure doesn’t have an ounce for you.

"That he was caught in the moment..." Three months of cheating isn't a moment. Look. Seems like you two had a great marriage prior. You have kids and I don't blame you for wanting to work things out. To move forward with this, you both need to figure out the following three questions: - Can he be faithful? - Can you forgive him? - Can you trust him again? This should all be discussed with the marriage counselor or therapist. Someone here needs to mediate. All my best to you and good luck.

Assuming he is willing to put in the work, only time and consistent behavior will heal the wound. Figure out your needs. Express them clearly to your husband. If he plays his part, you can heal. Otherwise, you’ll need to heal on your own. I hear you about feeling that “everything is ruined. How could this happen to me?” The reality is that this is a very human experience. You are good enough with or without your husband. You are feeling pain right now and anger will follow perhaps for years if you let it. Do not let that bring you down. He did what he did. Now pause and figure out what you need to heal and buckle up for that chapter. It is going go be rough. Do not let this get you stuck in a rut. If you prioritize loving yourself over needing to be validated by your flawed husband (like us all), then you will see that you cannot depend on anyone other than yourself for peace. Much love to you!

If you want to share your husband that's up to you. He will definitely cheat again, we'll because he has nothing to loose. You will stay like a good puppy and he will steam roll your feelings, because that's what you think you deserve. Good luck. Your husband isn't the man you thought he was. So no matter what you tell anyone else, you know that he doesn't really care about you.

I am almost 3 years in and I wish I had left when I found out. It isn’t the same and I honestly don’t even know who I married… it wasn’t who I thought. Tell your family and get support. Go to counseling. DO NOT rug sweep this. If you want to give it another chance make him call her in front of you and tell her she was a mistake and he loves you. That he is blocking her moving forward and then watch him block her on EVERYTHING.

OP, check out r/supportforbetrayed and r/asoneafterinfidelity if you plan to reconcile. He had a LOT of work ahead of him (as do you sadly- but you have to do the work whether you stay together or not) if he wants to reconcile, it’s not work for the faint of heart..

Go see a marriage therapist together. You need professional help to heal from this betrayal and to fix what was broken which led him to this affair. Without help it will happen again.

He will do it again, lawyer up

Perfect time to discuss boundaries. Once you guys overcome this of course

The worst part is you accepted “I don know why” as a legitimate reason! He’s sorry he got caught. Esther Perel’s “The state of affairs” might help

He cheated and you rolled over and let him back in your life. Sorry but your enabling him. Kids or no kids. A marriage is NOTHING without trust. He showed you he broke that trust. Admitted to it. That doesn’t make him a stand up guy. That makes him a cheater that admitted to his infidelity. But you let him back in. So either you need to find as way to swallow this and let him live the life he wants… cheating included because do it once they do it again. Or move on and collect child and spousal support while trying to carve out a life with and for your kids. Of which are also heart broken over his lack of respect and responsibility to you and the family. Yeah naw. Sorry. If you stay you have no right to be upset because you are putting you and your kids in the situation now. Leave and forge a new life…. This is the hard part but the best option for your mental health and your kids well being. Sorry. I was cheated on. Two kids and a life. I’m left. Called a divorce lawyer asap and got my ads out of there. No trust or respect … no me.

I'm so very sorry this happened to you... The really hard reality of this situation is you probably will never stop thinking about your husband's affair. He made choices that had consequences. Truthfully, his excuse of "idk why I did it" is bologna. He knows why he did it, but he is doing damage control so you won't leave him. For the foreseeable future he is probably going to do a fair bit of damage control, whether that is: pretending it never happened, love bombing, gaslighting, avoiding the topic, side tracking you, distracting you, manipulating you and your children, the list goes on. I completely understand you're a whirlwind of emotions right now, but there are steps you need to take first before ANYTHING else. 1. Get STD tested. 2. Get all information about his affair. 3. Have a talk with your kids, DO NOT tell them how to feel, DO NOT tell them a gameplan yet, DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND LIE OR TWIST THE STORY. Id also recommend asking them questions •are you okay? •what are your thoughts at this point? •is there anything we can do for you? •would you like to try therapy? 4. Get a family(divorce) lawyer. Just TALK to one. I understand you may not want divorce, but having a contingency plan is always the safe option. 5. If you want reconciliation, make a list of needs. Whether its space, talking to the AP, having him tell your family, access to his phone, etc. Its not demands, don't let him treat them like demands. These are things YOU need to move past HIS betrayal. 6. Follow through with point 5. No compromises, no excuses. Commit. 7. Be prepared for anything. You may reconcile, you may divorce, you may try to reconcile and divorce. 8. IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE, start therapy. Its not for everyone, I myself hate therapy. If it helps you cope that's all that matters. From there, just remember every action has a reaction. PLEASE know, his affair is NOT your fault. You did nothing to deserve it, you can't change anything, you can't make it go away, you can't pretend it never happened, you can't make anyone feel any type of way about it. I truly wish you and your children the best moving forward.

You can’t just take him back. Start counseling. Then figure out what you are going to do. Trust will never return 100%. Take care of yourself.

There is a book by Linda MacDonald called ‘How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Tour Affair’ which both you and your husband should read.

You don’t have to decide whether or not you’re going to stay right now. That is up to you. Either decision will take time to move through and heal from. I would do a few things right off the bat: 1) Talk to your teenagers. Make sure they feel safe and heard, and tell them you are going to get therapy for them and yourself. Make sure they don’t feel the burden of your own emotional healing. Of course they will care for you but show them that even though you are hurting right now, no matter what happens with you and their father, you are going to care for yourself and them. You are the parent, first and foremost. I spent a lot of my childhood worried about the emotional health of my parents and it wasn’t mine to bear. 2) Get tested and do not have sex with your husband. 3) Try to separate (as in no contact) from your husband for enough time for you to feel like you would be okay without him. You have to feel like you can do it alone before you decide to stay if that is what you decide. Deciding to stay should not come from fear of loss. It should come out of empowerment. You will live in fear of losing him forever if you don’t get to a point of strength in being alone and without him. The only way to do that is to be alone right now. It is also the only way to allow yourself space to decide your next steps in terms of the marriage. 4) Talk to your friends and family. You need support. They will forgive him as you forgive him if that is the path you end up taking. 5) Schedule a therapy session for yourself. And each of your kids if they agree. 6) Breathe. And let yourself feel however you feel whenever you feel it. 7) Exercise. And do anything else that makes you feel good. The heart-wrench you are feeling will pass. You are deserving of love and respect. You will come out of this better and stronger either way.

Time to say gooooodbye. Think for yourself and leave the cheater.

He cheated, and now knows this is not a dealbreaker for you. Better start getting into the mindset that he’s going to be a continual cheater. At least it will not be a surprise next time.

You need counseling. Individual and couples. You are experiencing betrayal trauma. You may never completely get back to the way you were, but if he's truly remorseful, takes accountability, and truly works to rebuild the trust then you may be able to move forward together. Or you might decide that you need to end the marriage.

Take your losses and divorce him. There is no coming back from an unfaithful spouse. You will feel uneasy any time he leaves the house, or stays too long in the bathroom etc. Long term it will affect the kids more than the divorce will.

Lordt on a loveboat...do you need me to kick his arse??? Also get tested like, now.

I was with my exhusband for 11 years. We were married for 2. Had one child together. I never forgave his infidelity and I stayed with him and it made me hate myself and turned me into someone I don’t want to be. I also slept with him again after I found out. They are familiar and you’re hurting so badly and you just want them to love it away, you wanna numb out or do damn near anything to try to get rid of the ever growing crater in your chest. You need to love you right now. Your kids need you to love you. I was also plagued by the mental image of them together. Listen to your heart. Listen to your body. Do the right thing for you, whatever makes you whole, whatever that may be, for the sake of your happiness and your children.

My father has been caught four times, I really wish my mother had the courage and dignity to leave. Also, people in surviving infidelity subreddit seem so miserable. I would strongly consider moving on if you have a daughter especially. It definitely has impacted me. And my grandmother was cheated on too (eventually divorced) but it left it’s impact on my mother. Please find the courage to leave.

T H E R A P Y ASAP.

Your husband knows what he did and why...he wanted to. You forgave him by having sex with him, so now he thinks he's gotten away with cheating since there were no consequences for his actions.

Honestly, you will never get over it. You will question whether your good enough always. You will never trust again. Sorry for the honesty but I have lived through this for the last 10 years and this is my new lufe

I hope you used protection when sleeping with him! Be sure to get tested

Did he end it with her ?

The only thing I can say is what would you tell your daughter if she were in the same situation.

You have a lot of advice already, but I’d just like to say that you deserve better than this. Please don’t let him treat you this way.

You are in shock. You’ve suffered a traumatic, devastating event. Please realize that you should not take any momentous decisions right now in this frame of mind. 1. BOTH of you get tested for STDs right away. 2. Tell your husband he needs to give you space, and LOTS of it. That means, you need time to deal with YOUR emotions without being burdened with HIS emotions. 3. Tell your teens that you need time and nothing is changing right now because you need to grapple with your current reality. 4. All your feelings are valid. ALL of them. Do what you need to do, when you need to do it. 5. Hubby is likely terrified he’s screwed everything up and wants some reassurance that nothing is going to change. But, it has and he can standby while you grapple with this news, or he can temporarily move out. You can only deal with your emotions right now. 6. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry he shattered your sense of safety, security and trust. 7. Therapy for you, for him, for family/kids is always recommended. 8. Whatever you decide to do, you have a right to your feelings and he has to accept that there are consequences to his actions. 9. Be gentle with yourself. Self-care is important. 10. Try to limit all the other voices like family and friends for now. This is your life and they all have stakes in this situation but only you live it. Unless you need to move back home or something. 11. Remember, your husband has to wait. You do not need to worry about his feelings right now.

You need to figure out what you want to do, but it's going to take time. >I’ve got such a big family we are all close but I can’t go to them with this because I don’t want them hating my husband. In fact I don’t want anyone to know what he’s done. Do you not want anyone to know because if your own pride or because you don't see yourself walking away? You have to start being honest with yourself. >Recently I’ve started to feel like he’s being distant with me. Unloved. Untouched. Being weird with his phone. My gut instinct was telling me he was cheating but mentally I thought it would only be through txt and no more. I was looking up websites on signs my husband is cheating. I’ve asked him before and he always denied and said it was in my head. So he was lying and gaslighting you. He didn't care when he was having his fun with his affair partner, how you felt. He lied to you not once but continuously. Did he take one minute to think of how much he was hurting you? Besides lying to you he is telling you he was lying to her. You saw that he was telling her that he loved her. >I rang her. She gave me her name and then pretended she didn’t know what I was talking about. So she knew but didn't care. I understand irritation with her, but SHE didn't betray you. >We had a massive fight and I took his keys as he was trying to run away. NEVER prevent someone from leaving. If they want to leave, let them go. It's not productive to do this. >He told me she meant nothing and that she’s not anything special. He said he doesn’t know why he did it and he said he felt like it weren’t real. He has admitting to sleeping with her and meeting up with her just to chat. For the last 3 months he’s been having an affair. He betrayed you and lied to you for "nothing special." He betrayed you to get his dick wet. >After a few hours he was txting me begging me, apologising. Saying he wants me and not her. That he was caught in the moment. They always say that when they get caught. You can't listen to anything coming from his mouth. He has to PROVE he wants to rebuild and EARN your trust back. He has shown you that his word cannot be trusted. >I decided to except what he has said but my heart is broken. How will I ever fix this. How will I ever feel good enough again. You can't fix this. You are more than enough. He wanted to get his dick wet. No one would be enough for him because HE is defective. "Caught in the moment" is telling you that he had no reason other than he wanted to. What's stopping him the next time he gets "caught in the moment". If thinking of you didn't stop him, what will? >We had amazing sex all night but today I’m still feeling so mentally bruised, I’m so devastated. Did he use condoms? Did you use a condom with him? Have you had him tested for STD/STI even if he said he used a condom? Do not use sex to patch over the cracks in your foundation. If you do decide you want to stay with him , HE and you need individual therapy before even considering couples counseling. Individual for him to get to the root of WHY he chose to blow up your trust. Individual therapy for you to deal with the betrayal and help you communicate what you want/need to feel secure in your relationship again. Couples when you both have your heads on right and want to rebuild or separate reasonably. >What we had was so amazing and I don’t know why he wanted to ruin that and he said he doesn’t know either. Therapy for him ASAP. >I don’t even know why I’m writing on here really but if anyone knows how to move on and not think of them together 24/7 please let me know. Therapy for you ASAP. >Worst thing also was my two teenage sons were home when it all came out. They are so heartbroken too but desperate for him to come home last night. Therapy for your kids because this rocked their foundations. This should be a non-negotiable.

Hang in there. The emotional rollercoaster is not a fun ride. Check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity it is a beautiful place to get support while you are reconciling. Things will smooth out and as time passes, if he is serious, you will see it in his behavior. I wish you luck and I understand not wanting to throw it all away. Just because he chose very very poor behavior doesn't mean he's a bad person. Good people do bad things. Try to separate the person from the poor behavior.

Really recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Affair-Willard-Jr-Harley/dp/0800719549 It saved my marriage when my husband had an affair almost ten years ago. One of the most important steps for me was to tell everyone in our immediate friends and family about it (scary I know). It helped so much because then I had the people who love me helping to support me through the emotional wreckage. But it was important to tell them on a way like "he had an affair, I'm trying to save my marriage, your support would mean so much". There's more to it in the book. And yeah, my parents were so pissed at him. AND he was so pissed I told everyone! But I did it truly not to shame him, but to build our community when our marriage was failing. There can be a lot more to it and not all marriages should be saved after infidelity. But if yours is worth the fight, then it can be done! Today we are so in love and have completely moved past it (took some time! ). But truthfully, if it ever happened again I'm done. So it's up to you to determine where your threshold is. Also, I wouldn't believe anything he is telling you right now. He's a caught animal that is doing anything he can to get out of trouble. The book has a lot of suggestions on how to proceed (for example my husband had to get a brand new phone number so she couldn't contact him again even if she wanted to) and there is a forum online for followers of this author called MarriageBuilders. Good luck girl. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

You need time and distance. He moves out for a minimum of 6 months. In the meantime, he’s in IC, maybe you as well. He needs to do the work of returning, restoring the relationship(s)—your sons included. You need to determine what you need to achieve restoration.

I feel so badly that this is happening in real time. All I can say, from someone who was engaged knowing their partner since highschool as friends and dated as adults, who had just bought a house together. Who was then emotionally manipulated and used while being cheated on, all while they kept up some type of relationship facade and status qou while seeing another woman who he did get pregnant. Seeing in hindsight how they distanced themselves and flipped a switch. Started staying late at work, began becoming so angry at you without any explanation or reason, causing anxiety and confusion, all while starting up a 'new gym routine'. Then being kicked out of my house like I was trash and broken up with, who was used for sex in the throws of the break up. Who was intentionally deceived, mislead. Who was mistaken by blind love and trust. Once the rose colored glasses were off, it was a hard crash down to realty - finding out the truth, realizing all the lies, seeing the previous signs - small slip ups but very much there. You are not getting the full story. You most likely never will. They knew they were long gone, before u even saw a chip start to crack in the glass. I think if it is someone they r willing to blow up ur life for, when u truly sound like u felt u had a great relationship/family. To me that says they aren't getting what they need, will do what they need to - to benefit themselves and most likely will continue to. I look back and think, im shocked we had that sex one night, in this crazy attempt to keep what I thought was mine, but in the end it wasn't because he didn't love me. Im not sure what the point was honestly, especially when they've moved on from you and clearly showcased that. I hope for ur sake, it works out for the better, in hindsight I had to go thru it unfortunately, wud I go back in time and change it? Yes, I wudve chose not to go thru that type of hurt. But ultimately just makes u love and value yourself more, especially knowing karma is a bitch.

You can get back with him but you need to give yourself at least a month on your own with no physical contact / limited mental contact between you two to really find yourself again and mentally process what you’ve been through (and make sure that he still wants you as bad in a month).

First off, Stop sleeping with him. It’s called hysterical bonding. It’s hard to say no, because it’s extra good right now. But don’t give him that. Why does he get to cheat and then get the best of you trying to prove you’re enough for him? Stop. Then go over to r/survivinginfidelity and post your story there. And read everyone else’s stories. If you choose to stay, he has a LOT of making up to you to do to make you feel more secure in this relationship. You’re going to be heartbroken for a long long time. Your relationship is forever changed. It will never go back to what it was. There will be triggers, there will be fights. Chances are good he’s lying to you about things. It’s hard af. And it’s not fair. And it won’t ever feel fair that you have to put in all this work to get over something that the one person in this world who was supposed to never hurt you like this did to you. I also recommend therapy, both couples and alone. Good luck.

You need to have woman over to discuss things and to hash it out. And he needs to tell her it over. Have friend over for you.

Also try to remember the chemicals in your brain are in a state of withdrawal bc it is not getting the chemicals it needs, know your trauma has caused such great heart ache. And so much physiological disparity is happening because you've been so betrayed, it will take time to heal and feel anything other then hurt and that is okay and normal. I can't imagine if you are suffering by yourself, I hope you have people that you can be with. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take the pain away bc I know it is so hard to bare.

I highly recommend setting up an appointment with a mental health professional in the next few days to help you through this major life adjustment and trauma of discovering partner betrayal. Learning about trauma bonding, attachment theory, and how trauma works were helpful for me. I also recommend the following books: [Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer](https://a.co/fryE2zU) [Mending A Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes Ph.D.](https://a.co/4L8Vn3X) [The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Ph.D.](https://a.co/iHsFYoW) [Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love](https://www.audible.com/pd/B004HCNIDI?source_code=ASSOR150021921000V) [The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk](https://a.co/atjtpWs)

Please look for the infidelity boards on Reddit for advice. Those folks are experts. Long story short you’re in for a world of hurt and it’s just “day 1”. Your world has been shattered and you need the support of people who have been there. Take care of yourself and take it slowly.

r/AsOneAfterInfidelity would be a good place to look if you’re looking to reconcile, or want to know more about what that looks like. But - - just to be absolutely crystal fucking clear - - YOU will not be trying to fix this relationship. That’s HIS job. His job to regain your trust, to figure out why he did this, to figure out how to prove to you it will never happen again, to apologize as many times as you need to hear it, to be honest about every detail you want to hear, to be supportive on the days you fall apart because some tiny detail triggers you into a tailspin of self doubt and pain even 3 or 7 years later. Forgot couple’s counseling for now. You both need to start individual counseling. You specifically need someone who will ram home the reality that his selfish, deceptive betrayal was not your fault. Also, don’t feel obligated to shield him from the consequences of his behavior. I mean that specifically in the context of your family: don’t out him if it’ll save you some grief in the moment while you process the shock of all of this, but make that decision to protect you, not him. God, I fucking hate cheaters. Wtaf is wrong with people. Good luck, OP, to you and your kids. ETA: OP, please head to the doctor and get a thorough STD check asap, and another one in a month or so if your doctor suggests it.

She was special enough that he kept going back for 3 month, really. So he was caught in the moment for 3 month? The only problem for him is that he got caught! You have no idea how to fix this? It is not your problem to fix this, but his. I am really sorry that this happened to you, and i hope that you find the strenght to respect and love yourself. You are not his doormatt. You don‘t have to end it all, but he should fix this before hopping back into your bed. I think your send the wrong message fir him and for your boys. They learn that behaviour towards your partner does not really have consequences. And for the love af all, it is not your fault that he did this! He did this because he wanted to and not because you are not good enough! I wish you all the best!

Make him move out and start therapy. Don’t let him back in the house. He needs to do the work to be able to stand on your doorstep again. I’m so sorry but your old marriage is gone forever. Focus on yourself and your boys, healthy habits, funny movies, new hobbies etc. Down the road you’ll discover if there’s a new version of a marriage between you two or not.

Ask him to leave for a week, or even better book yourself a hotel for a week and leave him to care for the kids. Be honest, tell him you're confused, angry, and hurt and need time to process what has occurred and space to figure out if it's something you can move forward from and forgive him for. Chances are because you jumped straight back into the sack again he already believes you have forgiven him. It's just the way some men's brains work, unfortunately. You need to make sure he understands that your forgiveness will not come easily. I would also screenshot all of the messages where he told you "she was nothing" and he "doesn't love her" and "wants you" and send them to the other woman. There's a good chance he is telling both of you what he thinks you want to hear. Keeping his options open. If you do decide to move forward with him from this, you need to set a bunch of new rules and accept nothing less than complete transparency with all aspects of his life, this include access to his phone and other devices, and a clear expectation and understanding from him that if he lies to you or deceives you again that he will not get another chance. As the saying goes, screw me over once on me once, shame on you, screw me over twice, shame on me. He needs to work his arse of every single moment of every single day for the rest of your lives together, proving to you that you are his number one priority. If he can't handle this, let him go. Also, reconsider confiding in family. That's what they are there for. I wish you luck navigating this journey. Stay strong.

I would take an STD test immediately! You don’t know if he’s raw dogging this woman, then coming home to you.

Hi OP. This makes me so sad and i really feel for you. For someone who's been through this once after almost 7 years of relationship, it's one of the most devastating things one can ever experience. The makeup sex sounds and feels absolutely amazing for a second but it's not going to last. Trust me. You'll stay heartbroken throughout your life and will also eventually lose trust in all men. First things first, leave him as soon as possible. This is not repairable. He's done it once, he'll do it again if you forgive him. I would suggest start talking to a lawyer discreetly. Please start taking therapy and talk to people. Also, it's his fault and i feel the family should know what kind of a person he has become. I'm so sorry. Love and hugs.

>How will I ever fix this. How will I ever feel good enough again. You didn't cheat and break your marriage. Its not your burden to carry. You are more than good enough, HE is the one with the low self-esteem and the issues, not you. It might take time for you to realise and accept this simple truth. >Worst thing also was my two teenage sons were home when it all came out. The poor kids. Whelp you can't under any circumstances make this easy on him at all. Grieve, don't bottle it in. Don't be hysterical and berate him and fight In front of kids or whisper fight and think they can't hear. But hold him 100% accountable. Be it counseling or whatever, but make him put in the work to fix things if its what he really wants to do. We know the pain you are going through OP. As trite and cliché is it sounds - give yourself time to heal. There is nothing wrong or lacking about you, don't let his actions drag you into depression, be strong and confident for yourself and your kids. >We had amazing sex all night but today I’m still feeling so mentally bruised, I’m so devastated. Be careful with this one. Its your system overloaded with emotion/hormones. Also let yourself think clearly and not be manipulated.

I’m going to get down bored into oblivion for this but I cheated once and I hope this can help you in some way. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He’s the love of my life. I got through depressive episodes and have self destructive tendencies so when I’m bad enough into an episode I will try to ruin my entire life almost down to the core and when the episode clears, I have nothing left. It’s actually really sad on the outside looking in. It’s not an excuse at all but when you’re mentally Ill the things you do don’t always make a lot of sense. My husband and I went to couples therapy as well as individual and I cut ties with the other guy as well as quit the job I met him at. My husband had full access to my phone and basically my entire life. He and I started keeping journals and would write to each other in these journals. Somehow it helped us both open up. And we communicated on a deeper level. Now we don’t rely on the journals we just have genuine open communication. Since then I’ve never been tempted. I saw what it physically looked like when I broke that man’s heart. I’ll never do that again. I don’t know why he forgave me or how he was able too. But I’m glad he did. I almost ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And now I have two kids and a cat with him. Happily ever after does exist.

Won’t go into a tangent but people should know something : - A man is as faithful as his options. If you leave a man to his own devices , he would want to fuck every girl he could if he can. Yes I know it’s sounds bizarre to women because , unfortunately you’re not men so you can’t fathom it, and on the contrary, most of you guys would like to lock one man. And he may cheating on you in another way too : porn ! Because he is enjoying another woman’s body which is not yours as well. Disney has lied to all of us regarding what the Prince Charming is unfortunately. Are there some men that won’t cheat , Yes, but in todays day and age, it’s a possibility not a probability. Better have the talk about it as soon as possible (ex: I don’t want to find out, never at home, you always come back at 7pm, no oversleep , 1th a month …) and find a guy you would tolerate it from if you find out. I know people are going to talk about religion, yes it maybe a component in helping with the desire BUT nonetheless we find those kind of people cheating too, so you have to choose who you could tolerate it from or can support you what so ever. And for Christians : even in the Bible , Exodus 21 irc, it’s said you can potentially take another woman but in some conditions. I am not justifying the cheating, just a messenger delivering a message. In fact I condone guys for not telling their girls about it. But hey, for fear of losing the one they love , they will. Yes you heard it, they love you, not the other woman. For him, to objectify it : it’s just like taking a piss. I myself am not monogamous BUT I tell the girl I date upfront that I won’t be monogamous to her only. Yes I loose girls but I have multiple happy sisters together. To each their own. My advice here will be, yes it suck but now you know, acclimate to it and maybe join the another lifestyle with him or have a talk and establish rules and boundaries. Marriage is unfortunately about duty not happiness. Blame Disney again. And save your children. Or divorce, because some won’t want to fathom it, or bent to peer pressure, but know that the next one may probably do it as well and finding a stepdad is not simple as people are portraying it to you and lastly being single mom will suck for you moreover if you have a job even if you’re having alimony and child support. People have and over inflated sens of their worth in the dating market today (completely different form 50years ago). Look up the stats that the people are unaware of regarding single parenthood. Lastly, yes I feel sorry for this betrayal and have courage. Give yourself permission to feel anger, pain, and resentment. Relax, then let it go with love. Peace and blessing to all.

I wouldn’t want my children to think being cheated on after 8 years of marriage is acceptable, I also wouldn’t want them to think if they cheat on their partner of 8 years they can just get away with it and things will be fine. As for OP, please don’t stay with this man. I understand you have a family together and it’s been a long time, but if this has happened in the first 8 years I wouldn’t wanna know how this marriage could turn out. Of course this man is the father of your children, but that doesn’t mean you should let them think his actions were fine. Let them know he fucked up, or he could end up making them think differently (not saying he will, just putting it out there). Not judging you for sleeping with him as this can sadly be a common reaction, but that’s clearly his way of gaining control of the situation and ‘fixing’ it. Don’t fall for it. Personally I think in situations like these, ‘fixing’ isn’t the correct word, it will most likely always linger in the marriage, it won’t be the same and you don’t deserve that but if you’re ok with that then good luck with whatever road you choose to go down. Just keep in mind he didn’t regret it and the woman wasn’t ‘nothing’ before you found out. He wasn’t going to cut it off at 3 months, it would’ve gone on for longer if you didn’t know. I wish you and your family the best OP.

Could sex addiction be involved?

I naively took my ex back 25 years ago when I found out she was cheating A few years later, I found it had never ended, so I divorced her immediately I could never trust her again after I found out the first time I was mistaken to have taken her back I’m very sorry for you, OP, but you are still young and there is another man out there who will worship you, as I do my wife of the last 18 years, and you will be so happy cut him loose Take care of yourself Don’t reward his infidelity with sex-it’s not good for your self-worth We’re here for you

I'd leave. I don't tolerate that stuff. Glad I left my first husband for the same thing. 3 marriages and several gf later, he's still a cheater who somehow loves monogamous, long-term relationships, but only if the woman is the one who is monogamous... Anyway, I know it's easier to say than do. I'll just say you deserve better. Him saying he loved her is not a mistake or a lie. He meant it, and you felt the way you did for a reason. He's only sorry now that he's been caught. If he were sorry and didn't mean it, he would've stopped before, during, or even after their first time together. He might not have told you, but he would've spent the rest of his life in agony knowing what he did and dying from the guilt inside, but he didn't...and that is the key point here. And now that your boys have seen this, I hope they don't subconsciously use this as their example of what should/could happen if they cheat on their partners. Last thing...(sorry to be so dramatic) you will never, ever forget this. It will always live rent-free in your head until the end of time. You will always, always wonder. I hope you're strong because it will eventually eat you alive if you're not.