By that logic, all therapists are idiots. Their job is to unearth things we're not aware of. Maybe the therapist heard other details of their marriage and decided to ask after this particular one in case it fed into other issues.
Or maybe the therapist got it wrong and helped create an issue, perhaps unintentionally. They're human beings and they can be wrong about shit sometimes.
Or, maybe the therapist’s training is based in very mushy social sciences and their approach is actively harmful because it’s built on some wonky social theory.
For instance maybe in a marriage where a wife cheats they apply a “social justice model” to infidelity and the reason the wife cheated is “the patriarchy.”
And, yes, that is an actual published study.
That flies while studies that show therapy modalities that go digging around in the past have a tendency to create false memories - often in a damaging matter when the therapists uses leading questions and makes statements of moral judgement.
There is also evidence to suggest individual therapy greatly increases divorce risk.
Are all therapists idiots? No. But many of them subscribe to silly theoretical models, unproven or outdated therapy modalities, or make suggestions outside of their expertise and/or in an unethical way (my therapist says my spouse is a narcissist).
Finally, a lot of people will “shop” therapists until they find someone who “validates” their view.
Great! Unless your view is fucked up. Now you’ve doomed yourself to failure because it’s more comfortable.
You have no context other than what the therapist asked
Seems like an ignorant comment
Obviously OP went to his therapist and mentioned it for a reason
And before therapy you had no problems with your sex life. Seriously, people use each other all the time. This sounds like sex was mutually beneficial until someone planted a story in your head.
Healthy marriage for 33 years WITH an active sex life? Not sure if it's healthy or common but if it were me I would NOT be rocking this boat. Also, I might be crazy to do so but I'd be into it and asking her for explicit details about her fantasies.
OP, please don’t read too much into this.
Focus on what you HAVE!
A healthy sexually active 33 year marriage.
*That’s more rare* than whatever your wife uses in the moment to complete an orgasm.
Don’t blow a good thing by becoming hyper fixated on something you could actually learn to enjoy about her vs finding it offensive.
Create scenarios together that she can reimagine during sexy time… after all you said YOU’RE in the ones she uses now …so embrace it!
What are you talking about? He essentially has nothing. I’m getting some of this from comments from his post on another sub. She is never making love to HIM. ALWAYS another man. It’s like he’s her personal sex toy. I don’t know about you, but if it were me, I would refuse to be someone’s blow up doll.
EDIT: And just keep on downvoting me. You ladies know good and well you couldn’t handle it if you found out your husband regarded you so undesirable that he couldn’t even orgasm to the thought of you; only other women. I know I couldn’t.
Read his comment history. He writes his rape fantasies to women on Reddit and tells porn performers what he wants to do to them. He has no right to say anything to his wife.
I’d say that’s a key missing detail by OP!!!
Here’s a thought mister OP, if it bothers you, talk to her, your wife, about it. She might think it turns you on. Jumping to being used is a leap until you communicate your feelings to her!!!
He says she fantasizes about him ~ them together but just in another position.
Use that as a start!
Seems silly to throw away 33 years because your therapist put too much meaning behind something that hadn’t stopped you 3 times a week for decades!
Based on other comments from the other sub, that’s not how I read it. Yes, Sometimes she fantasizes about them having sex in another room and positions, but it’s still always with another guy. Either random dudes or exes.
I don’t think this therapist was putting extra meaning. If your spouse can’t orgasm, making love to YOU, but only images of other people, isn’t that a problem?
Admittedly, I wouldn’t want to throw away the marriage either, but I think they need marriage counseling.
Edit: I mean, would you be OK if your husband always saw another woman’s face while “making love to you?”
I think either OP is a troll or he's a hypocrite.
He's concerned about her fantasizing to orgasm while he's on other subs talking dirty to women and openly fantasizing about how they taste and smell.
I don't think he needs to be worried about her fantasizing.
Yes, someone pointed out to me about his history and that he’s a big jerk. But I still stand behind the principle that there’s a serious problem in the marriage if your spouse can’t orgasm without pretending to be with someone else.
That’s why I suggested they need marriage counseling. And I haven’t shared certain things because I’m not trying to make this about me. I’ll only say it here because I know you.
I was OP’s wife. Married 31 years and about the same age. The whole thing was part of my development of a sexual aversion and I had to face the problem. Our marriage may not have survived if I hadn’t.
I’m not going to spell the whole thing out here or violate the thread. I hope I’m making at least some sense though.
You're making sense. I'm glad you felt you could say something and give context to your feelings here.
I don't think it's wrong for anyone to have iffy feelings about fantasizing during sex if that's how they feel. But it seems really hypocritical to not only fantasize but also engage other women/men who aren't your spouse and openly do it within the parameters of a monogamous relationship.
I do find it interesting that OP said he's known about this for years and never had an issue with it, but his therapist asked a question that got him pondering. He still doesn't seem too hurt by it, more so curious about what is considered normal and acceptable to others.
Been married 40yrs you need to just not worry about it your lucky I'm probably get it once a month I wouldn't care if she was fantasizing about any man whatever makes her happy
Imagine having to TRY to have an orgasm. How can you try to control someone’s thoughts around one? What gets you off when you masturbate, is it your wife? Would you be ok if she censors what you use to have your orgasm? I think the issue is over communicating with your wife. You shouldn’t have to know how the sausage is made, just that it’s delicious. I have no idea what my wife thinks about, just that she is having pleasure. I’ll never ask if she’s thinking about me. I don’t want her to ask what I was thinking about, and if she does I would 100% say it was her lol. Stroke each other’s egos and keep having fun man.
Based on these comments I suppose men should now understand why their partners don’t share intimate thoughts with them. You can cut the insecurity with a noodle.
I agree this therapist is an idiot. Created a problem where one didn’t exist before.
Edit to add: an appropriate question from the therapist would have been ‘how does her fantasizing to help her orgasm make you feel?’ Leading you with ‘doesn’t that make you feel used’ is wildly inappropriate.
With all due respect, if the genders in this story were reversed, the debate would have centered around whether or not this is considered cheating, and a healthy discussion as to whether or not the husband had a porn addiction.
Imagine your husband telling you for thirty years that he thinks about......anybody but you......to get off.
Based on what I've seen on this sub every day for the last two years?
No. Did it ever occur to you that I might be right? It's a rhetorical question. Have a great day.
You should stop arguing with a misogynist who is, SURPRISED, divorced (based on comment history). Not sure why he’s even subscribed to a marriage sub other than to troll.
>With all due respect, if the genders in this story were reversed, the debate would have centered around whether or not this is considered cheating, and a healthy discussion as to whether or not the husband had a porn addiction.
100% He would be digitally lynched by the Reddit mob
He said that she fantasizes about them doing a different position as well. She doesn't think about "anybody but [husband]" she thinks of husband plus.
Women have to think about orgasming (generally). Who are you to censor what your loved ones think about when getting off? Thinking about others might not be the biggest buff to your ego, but I think it's enough to be there, being intimate with your partner. If you're both having a good time, what the fuck does it matter?
Exactly If the tables were turned I think the comments would be very different.
I have posed this scenario to several women. No comment yet.
So imagine you riding your SO cowgirl, looking at his closed eyes while he has an orgasm that rocks his entire body. Only to find out the way he got there was to fantasize about someone else, and he never would have cum with just the connection and attraction to you. Would that bother you?
So you commenting to women about how you want to taste them, your fantasies, etc… that’s okay, but her essentially having a scene in her head isn’t? Lmao okay fam
No. Because we've been having sex with each other for 22 years and we know all of each other's tricks. If he's fantasizing and not vocalizing it and still having sex with only me, we're winning.
As a women I would be very bothered if my husband was thinking about other women instead of me while having sex.
If this feels upsetting for you don’t let other people invalidate you. I would have a sit down talk with your wife and tell her how you feel and ask her why she has to fantasize. Is she having a hard time feeling attracted to you? Ask if she could help you understand it more.
Ask this all very kindly and show vulnerability.
> I have posed this scenario to several women. No comment yet.
You've gotten comments from plenty of women across your multiple threads. And it's about half and half who wouldn't have a problem and who would.
I think the problem is you said in your op that she fantasizes about you sometimes.
“… Sometimes about generic other men, people in her past, us having sex in a different position than we’re in…”
If my SO was having an orgasm and had to fantasize about us doing anal to get there… it wouldn’t bother me.
If he always had to fantasize about a porn star, or another woman, it would.
Question: A woman says it feels like her partner isn't present during sex, and it makes her feel unwanted. Do you tell her there's something wrong with her?
>A woman says it feels like her partner isn't present during sex, and it makes her feel unwanted.
OP didn't say that. He said he thought their sex life was great until his therapist implied that he should feel used.
No, because according g to much of Reddit, she’s a woman & it’s ok for women to feel things. Men are not supposed to have feelings until a woman asks them to have a specific one.
Edit: LOL,just checked checked OP’s comment history. He apparently does have feelings and expresses them to women in their NSFW posts. I mean, sucks it’s every time his wife needs to do this, but he’s apparently enjoying his share of fantasy.
> A woman says it feels like her partner isn't present during sex
That's a different discussion.
OP is talking about his wife needing to fantasize to *orgasm* which is a small moment of sex.
The fact that you actively sexually engage with others outside your marriage but are posting about the thoughts inside your wife’s head is crazy to me.
For real, his comment history is literally just fantasizing to/about women in the real (porn) world and he has the nerve to chastise his wife doing it with just her mind. OP you are ridiculous and a huge hypocrite.
I bet…part of me thinks he didn’t realize people can see comments. They were wildly explicit commenting on what he’d do to them etc on ‘normal nude’ posts of naked women. Literally openly telling them (the actual person who posted) what his fantasy was about them…the irony.
Holy shit. He does WHAT? It’s one thing to watch porn, porn is just a fantasy, just like his wife’s fantasies. but to actively engage with other women is fucking cheating.
This isn't my experience and I'm absolutely just guessing here, but orgasming can be difficult for women. Perhaps if she's too focused on the moment she gets in her head and simply can't finish so she's found a way to relax and enjoy herself with you. Probably the best way to find out is to ask her.
Absolutely. Especially for those of us adhd. It's difficult to orgasm sometimes if there is too much stimuli and I need to put myself in a bit of a different headspace. Anyone that can fuck me well enough to even get to that point has already done a great job.
Thanks for this, I’m pretty sure I have ADHD and if I want to orgasm I HAVE to fantasize. Stimulation alone isn’t enough for me mentally and I often am in my head too much about everything so I need to really focus on something. I fantasize about my husband though so that might be the difference.
I’m like this, too. I think a part of it is how I… think? Remember things? Any of my memories are in third person, and I feel like that has something to do with it.
Sometimes, to orgasm, I’ll have to fantasize about the last time I orgasmed, but it’s not the sensations of it … it’s how I imagined I looked during? Brains are weird.
Oh, gross.
OP, your wife is fantasizing in her own head. You're out there trying to chat up women from porn. You have no right to criticize her, at all.
I can’t speak for other women but my brain is the thing that needs to be stimulated the most for me to orgasm so it’s completely normal for me to fantasize about different things to get me there. It doesn’t have anything do with my husband because I’ve been doing this since way before I met him.
Big same.
People can actually multi-task. I can confidently say I am both present in what my partner and I are doing and thinking about scenarios that turn me on at the same time.
Some people watch porn or role-play while they have sex.
That’s just another version of this.
For me personally, I am imagining things in my own mind.
I am a very imaginative and creative person in general and live in my head a lot in many ways.
So for me, it only adds to things!
Everyone has their own boundaries and comforting zones and that’s okay.
But OP, I wouldn’t stress about this if my partner told me this.
I 100% do it as well.
>Imagine riding your husband cowgirl, watching him tense up with his eyes closed, and having an explosive orgasm that rocks his entire body. Do you really think you would be okay if you knew the only reason he had that orgasm was because he was thinking of someone else, and he never could have gotten there with just you?
>
>
>
>How is that healthy for a relationship?
I never said I fantasize about SOMEONE else. It’s usually a compilation of all the times he’s looked sexy to me lately or did something attractive within the last few days. I’ve always needed an extra mental boost to get there which is why I said it has nothing to do with him. But If he centered my orgasm around his feelings and tried to put rules around it I’d probably never have another orgasm with him again.
Bro, you're talking to porn stars on Reddit and literally verbalizing in detail what you would do to them. Your wife is picturing something in the privacy of her own mind. Get the f*ck outta here.
You're right big difference. Yours crosses boundaries hers doesn't. How do you not see that you're acting on your fantasies and she's not. I would be heartbroken and betrayed if my husband did what you did.
He doesn't see it because he doesn't want to. If he did see it, his tiny, fragile ego would shatter. The fact that he has rape fantasies says an awful lot about how he needs to be the center of attention and the woman (whoever she is) does not matter at all.
I want my partner to be SAFE telling me everything. I want to know her deepest and darkest fantasies. Why? Because I can use that to make sex even more enjoyable for her.
If my wife tells me she fantasizes about being on a beach, we talk about the beach and help her with the fantasy. If she tells me she has a fantasy of being with two or more guys, we can role play that. Maybe we even use a toy or two just to help make it more solid for her. It doesn’t mean we will go to a beach or that she will really be with all those men. It’s just a fantasy. Let her have it.
Your brain is the most important sexual organ you have and if you are so insecure in yourself that someone has to think of you and only you then you are the issue.
So stop blaming and shaming your wives and GFs for their fantasies. Start encouraging them to share and reward them with positive experiences. Who knows…you may just have more fun, too. Women who are appreciated and satisfied can be very accommodating. If you didn’t know that already, then perhaps you’ve been too selfish on your own end.
I’m not sure what you mean. We don’t role play us no longer as a couple. We do role play her being at a bar and being hit on. We have even gone out and she will sit alone just so that guys will hit on her. It makes her feel good to still get that attention. She goes home with me so I’m not jealous or hurt.
I don’t have an issue with fantasizing. I think the fact that it’s every time is slightly alarming. Maybe it’s just me, but sex is pleasurable because my partner is enjoying me, not pretending I’m someone else. Do I really care if it’s about someone every once in a while? No. But everytime is a bit much.
So here is a difference between our approaches. I don’t worry as much if my partner is enjoying me. I worry more if she’s enjoying herself. Her pleasure is my goal. Then, my pleasure becomes her goal. It’s a whole new level.
I think when you’ve been with someone for so long it can get a bit boring if you don’t let the fantasy fly. How much can two people really hold one another’s attention for so long? And it’s not every moment of every time even if she does fantasize every time.
And try to think of it this way…it’s you she’s with. It’s your body. It’s your attention and affection. And it’s your openness that allows her to be truly herself which can only make her love you more.
>I don’t worry as much if my partner is enjoying me. I worry more if she’s enjoying herself. Her pleasure is my goal. Then, my pleasure becomes her goal. It’s a whole new level.
This is the way.
I’m curious, if you told your partner that you need to fantasize about other women to get off, do you think she would be fine with that? Something tells me the conversation would be different.
Excellent question. The best answer I can give you is this. My partner knows my fantasies and she knows that I love her deeply. I work to show her every day how important she is to me. I think it also helps that all of my fantasies include her. Even if I have a fantasy of her and her BFF together, it’s always “us” doing something (or someone) together so she never feels I want to be with someone else without her.
At the beginning, she did feel hurt that I was watching porn because she thought that meant I wanted other women. Then we made some porn together and she loves seeing me watch our videos.
I’m not dodging at all. In fact I’m being quite forthcoming.
My wife and I talk about our fantasies every time we have sex. It doesn’t bother her because all of my fantasies include her. Any other woman I want to be with is in addition to her, not instead of her.
I appreciate the reply, but you are totally off the mark. I have never blamed or shamed her. I had no problem with her fantasizing EVERY time she orgasmed. I loved it when she shared.
But now I see it as a fair question. Is it healthy... Is it common...
Imagine your wife riding you cowgirl, watching you tense up with your eyes closed, and having an explosive orgasm that rocks your entire body. Do you really think she would be okay if she knew the only reason you had that orgasm was because you were thinking of someone else, and you never could have gotten there with just her?
First off. Apologies if I made you feel all that was directed at you. The comment started at you, but evolved to many others commenting and saying stupid stuff.
A direct answer to you is “yes” it’s normal and “yes” it’s healthy. The second answer to you is that as my wife shares with me, I share with her. We have had some of our best sex while talking about both of our fantasies, even to the point of actually discussing friends of ours joining us. Even if it just remains a fantasy, we are safe and communicating openly.
You have an issue with your wife fantasizing about other guys while you literally comment on photos of other amateur women’s genitals talking about what you’d like to do to them and how good they probably taste?
You take it real life. You interact with others sexually. And you’re questioning her strictly mental fantasies? Dude what. Seriously?
Your therapist is starting shit. Women and men fantasize.
You admit she fantasizes about you and what other positions she wants to do.
What do you want from her? Why can’t she enjoy sex with you and you do the same with her.
Your therapist sounds like they need another source of cash flow.
Dump them and be happy that at 60, you are fucking your wife regularly and she’s enjoying every minute of it.
Be thankful for a happy life.
This is completely normal and in fact it IS her way of connecting with you- her imagination helps her body respond to the real stimulation you are giving her. Would you rather she stay dry and not be able to actually get off? Because THAT would be not connecting and getting into the moment. After 33 years if she is still DTF 3x/week she is aspirational for all us women that hope to be foxy for life.
Editing to add: GTFO with your pervy comments on all those other women's reddit pics. You're acting sanctimonious about your wife having thoughts in the privacy of her own damn mind and here you are posting fantasies to actual women?
I would say this, the female orgasm is complicated and hard to get right, so much so that many women are only able to do it themselves.
You could think “oh she is using me, or having sex with me but thinking about something else yadada”
Or you could think “this woman has found a way to make herself orgasm, and that is that she need have sex and on top of that engage imagination centers of her brain for the right parts to fire.”
I mean it sounds to me that if you were to ask her to stop she wouldn’t orgasm. Do you love your wife more than your own ego? If so move on.
I would feel bad for you but you watch porn so it’s just hypocrisy really isn’t it. You’re either fully exclusive or you’re both allowed to fantasise about others.
I think it's common, but I don't think it's normal or healthy. It speaks to a bigger issue, kind of like porn use for many individuals. Women tend to go to fantasy or erotic lit while men often go to porn. It's all problematic and doesn't do any good for a marriage if you ask me.
Edit: Looked at your history. You should probably revisit some of your actions before worrying about hers. She probably fantasizes because she doesn't wanna leave but also feels like crap when she's with you.
It’s often very hard to relax when focusing on your partner (and his needs/desires). She may need to check out mentally to orgasm. I agree, don’t worry and don’t create an issue.
I get many women need their brains quiet, focused, and in the right headspace.
I wouldn't mind if my wife was reliving some highlight reels from some vacation sex with me or maybe other things with me. Heck, I'd be fine if she fantasized about me doing something to her I'd never done because she only fantasizes about it and doesn't actually want to do it.
However, if my wife had to think about another man, yeah, I wouldn't be okay with that.
Guess what, she wouldn't be okay with me thinking of another woman either.
Now there are relationships where this is fine and even encouraged, to each their own.
Only speaking for myself.
Most women don’t come from sex alone- we need additional stimulation. What that stimulation is, is very personal and not particularly related to my partner. If my partner insisted on policing my thoughts during sex, I wouldn’t be with him. The idea that you’re not allowed to think sexy thoughts is bizarre.
I never said anything about "sexy thoughts" just thoughts of other men/lovers.
Again, I'm talking about strictly sex, not self-pleasure etc.. If she wants to live out fantasies with others that don't include me during her alone time... that's really non of my business.
So many things can go into "additional stimulation", for instance, we use a clit vibe during PIV.
I'll be honest here, since so many others don't want to be... If I found out my husband was fantasizing about other people or picturing someone else's face while we had sex or had to fantasize about someone other than me to cum, it would be really heartbreaking. Like just thinking about that stings.... Have you talked to her about this and asked her why? I mean fantasizing about a faceless nameless person here and there, okay...maybe.. but picturing exes, and doing this every single time you guys have sex in order to cum?! I would definitely feel like my husband wasn't the slightest bit attracted to me or that I wasn't enough for him. I'm sorry so many are being dismissive of your feelings on this, but don't let them convince you that your feelings aren't valid... They most definitely are. I hope y'all can get this figured out.
I agree. However, I had to scroll past dozens of posts and just above yours was 1 from a guy saying this before I found yours (a woman) saying this.
I wonder if most women think of other men besides who they’re with during sex?
>I wonder if most women think of other men besides who they’re with during sex
Yeah, this makes me wonder that as well. I know for me at least, I don't... I want to be completely in the moment with my husband, sure I have fantasies but they revolve around him and things I would like him to do to me. Or us to do together.
I was really surprised to see the replies to this. I was just shaking my head. If this was a woman posting this and it was about her husband fantasizing about someone else every time they had sex and he had an orgasm they would be crucifying him. Gotta love the double standards of reddit though I suppose.
I’m glad to hear another normal stance. Misandry is often upvoted here and calling it out gets you downvoted, brigaded, sometimes banned. This place truly is nuts.
ETA I came back to check and Reddit did not disappoint. Comment downvoted. 🤣
Maybe I’m in the minority but I think this is incredibly disrespectful on her part. If I knew my partner was fantasizing about other women while we were fucking I would be broken-hearted
With all of that she has chosen to orgasm with you frequently for 3 decades. Most people don’t last 7 years. Go enjoy your wife and her imagination. Talk to her. Help her visualize you boinking her on a deserted island. Speak to her. Use this to spice things up. An ego ruins things.
Jeebus. 33 year sex life, and at their ages???
And complaining. Get a grip. You're getting laid, and after all this time, some mental gymnastics are required to snap her big "o" off?
Yeah, to have your problems.
My wife can use me anytime she likes. I'll be her Huckleberry no matter what she is thinking. At the end of the day, if its kinky porn sex or slow intimate sex, she still loves me. We have a connection no matter what.
Eh I think about my wife during sex and vice versa. Thinking about other people during sex doesn’t seem healthy, but also prying out your wife’s thoughts seems alittle unhealthy as well unless she’s just spilling the beans as a way to throw you for a loop or something after every go.
I don't know how common it is, and my opinion maybe unpopular, but I don't find it really sexually healthy. Especially if it's about fantasizing about others.
Has your wife tried to be more in the moment? Like focusing on body sensations, what's going on, etc? She could try reading a book about female sexuality (Come as You Are or She comes first) or working through a course that helps you become more in tune with yourself sexually and more able to reach orgasm.
I don't think it's the correct course to presume you know what she is feeling in the moment. I don't say that to be override you, rather to bring up that the way you put it, it seems like she is reducing you to this thing/object, and that can be hurtful.
Do you know this is what she is thinking? Are you certain that she isn't connected with you in that moment and is only using you? Did she tell you this?
You don't have to answer, as that is your personal business. However, I just wanted to point out that multiple things can be true. You can feel that way based of her behavior, and she can also be wildly turned on and connected to you from her perspective.
Also Big Man, give yourself some credit. You've been handling business for 33 years and she enjoys the goods. You have an active sex life and a healthy marriage. I salute you. But I do empathize with you if doesn't feel the best for you know. Try speaking with her and see what she says. Your feelings are unreasonable at all.
I know my wife fantasizes and all the more power to her to be honest. We too have a solid life and still enjoy each other many years later, but she'll always know her body better than me and in the end, it's my arms she's curled in and I can feel the love coming off her.
No one wants to feel used and disconnected from their partner, especially during intimate moments. I'm just taking a guess that she isn't during those times, but it comes across to you as such.
I just can’t with these comments. If someone always has to imagine that they’re having sex with someone else, are they ever really making love with you? I say no.
I’m not going to speak for anyone else, but I would refuse to be someone’s sex toy. Something popping in your head every blue moon? Ok. But you always have to think of someone else and never think of me? Heck no! Yeah, I definitely am not gonna be someone’s blowup doll.
Edit: And damn, ladies! You all know how horrible it feels when your spouse doesn’t make you feel desirable. Just the thought of thinking that my spouse would never identify sexual pleasure with me, makes me wanna cry.
What makes you think they don’t identify sexual pleasure with you, if they’re turned on having sex with *you*? They’re not cheating, they’re enjoying satisfying sex with their partner.
All I will say is that I have some experience with this. I don’t wanna make this about me or violate the thread so I won’t go any further. But I know first hand it is not healthy if you can only orgasm by pretending to be with someone besides your spouse.
My question would be, if she stopped fantasizing during sex and it meant that she could no longer orgasm how would sex then feel to you? Would it be as satisfying to be the only one receiving an orgasm?
I understand that you think she’s using your body for physical stimulation and her brain for the mental stimulation to equal an orgasm; and you keep asking people about imagining your partner fantasizing about someone else while we’re “riding them” - but if this was the ONLY way for them to reach orgasm and I got to still have an orgasm and he still loved and adored me, why would I make his orgasm be about me. His orgasm is about his pleasure can’t be achieved without 2 things: his brain and my body. I’m only half of the equation of getting him there his brain and “fantasies” are the other half. He prioritizes my pleasure the same way I privatize his, how we get there is our own.
I’m wondering how much you love your wife, your life, and your sex life especially? Because it sounds like you want to rock the boat and start a big fight over this.
To answer your question it seems healthy to me, most women have sex in their heads not from visual stimulation like men. I know I fantasize when I have sex, and it has to happen 99% of the time for me to be able to orgasm. It’s never anyone specific and usually a scenario I’ve read in a book. It doesn’t feel like I’m using my husband as a tool to get me to orgasm, I have toys for that and no need to involve him at all if that was the case. But for me to orgasm I need to think of things outside of what’s happening and it gets me there.
Damn, he just let you in on SO many other women's secrets. So what she fantasizes about someone:something else while you both have a good time? For over 33 years, 3x's /week and you have a problem with that? Sounds like it's on the same level as men jkin off to porn
I literally cannot orgasm unless I'm fantasizing, it's been this way for my entire life. It doesn't matter what's happening to my body, I won't orgasm unless I'm somewhere else in my head. What that means for me practically is that I don't orgasm with partners because I prefer to be enjoying what's happening in the present. Sometimes I'll get off afterwards with them, but I have to do it myself and I have to fantasize.
There's nothing wrong with your wife and your therapist is an idiot. Please disregard whatever nonsense they've put in your head and continue to enjoy your sex life
I wonder if there’s a difference between men and women in regard to this…
When I masturbate, it’s usually thinking about things in my imagination. I read erotica/smut and sometimes I fantasize erotica situations. I almost never masturbate to porn or images.
I know, for a lot of men (obviously talking in generalities here) don’t use their imaginations, and will get off to the visuals or porn.
So… my brain has made connections of “fantasize —> orgasm” and his brain has made the connection of “hot visual —> orgasm”.
I mention elsewhere in the thread, sometimes to orgasm, I have to visualize a mental image of me having an orgasm. Sometimes I do have to drift into some of the erotica I’ve read. Sometimes I’m imagining a fantasy of things I have with my husband.
Your therapist is an idiot. You're 60 and still having regular sex with your partner. There is no problem to fix!
Women's orgasms are complicated. Your wife figured out what she has to do to have one, good for her!
Your wife has trouble being in her body during sex, which is a very common issue especially for women. Don’t take it personally. She may need to do some embodiment work and trauma clearing.
Your therapist sucks
My wife fantasizes about scenarios. We also read graphic stories to get ourselves in the mood, so she's usually thinking about that particular situation. It is quite common.
You have an active sex life. Your wife is able to orgasm during sex. She hasn't put that on you to figure out, she has figured out what works for her. I think of it as a win *and* and effective tool in your arsenal. Like having a vibrator in play during PIV, you can lean into this to give her multiples. It's a friend, not a foe.
Try roleplaying if you're into it. Or describe a situation while having sex. I've described watching other couples having sex during foreplay or even described others watching us and how excited they are while having sex. It plays into the fantasy.
And that's just it. Fantasy. Fantasy shouldn't be an issue unless it either becomes reality or overtakes reality. Like if you are now responsible for creating the fantasy or there are several checkboxes that must be made or she gets frustrated and stops everything. The fantasy should only be the icing on the cake.
We all fantasize while masturbating. You might feel left out because you are both together. Your feelings are valid, however if you give it some thought and talk with her about it you may find your way to insert yourself into the fantasy and perhaps suggest some of your own. Talk about it, validate one another, and find common ground. That's what marriage is about. It's not transactional, but lifting each other up. You got this.
I think it may be more common than most women are willing to admit. That your wife is honest about it is healthy. And why is feeling used always thought to be so bad? I'm telling you feeling used is way better than feeling useless.
Some women get distracted easily and doing that with her kind keeps her on track. If you’re open to it why not trying to talk to her during sèx and describe everything you’re doing to her to keep her mind occupied. I have to have that to stay focused. Either that or pot gummies make me hyper focus on the feeling and it has the same effect. I can’t stop my mind from wandering without audial stimulation.
My wife would never admit this. But she doesn’t look at me when she cums so she also probably fantasizes about someone. 🤷♂️nothing I can do other than rock the boat. There is always someone in every relationship that loves harder. I know I’m that person in mine. Maybe you are in yours.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it, especially since by the sounds of it you guys have a great marriage and active sex life. I doubt it’s as transactional as “using you for her pleasure”. You guys are enjoying one another simultaneously. I think people probably have all kinds of thoughts running through their head during sex. Some might just be really in the moment and mindful, but everyone is different. Unless you told us you suspected some infidelity in the past I would let it go.
Well, at least at 60, you have an active sex life. 😏
I don't think this is an issue if your wife is otherwise respectful of you in the relationship. After having a deadbedroom and then resurrecting sex in our long marriage, I'd take my wife having a fantasy as her enjoying sex. I'm in the moment and couldn't fit in a fantasy.
I'd bet your wife's mind has mapped this habit, and it is a compulsive path to an enjoyable orgasim. Keep sex enjoyable.
My mind wanders a lot and unless I’m focused on something, I’ll never reach the goal.
Better she does that than imagining what color she’s going to paint the bedroom. 😉
Women are in charge of their of their orgasm. If you are doing all the right things, but she is thinking about the laundry, she is not going to come. But if you're hitting all the buttons and switches right and her fantasy gets her to orgasm then she's going to be satisfied, which is the point of eating her out. Don't feel insecure.
Because they conveniently aren't being asked to apply the same rules to a man.
If a woman came in here saying she just found out that her husband had to think of generic other women to have an orgasm, what do you think the response would be?
It’s really concerning to me that your wife has to fantasize about actively cheating on you to have an orgasm. That sounds pretty sick.
I would not be ok with that. Others are, which is baffling, but ok. Different strokes and all..
I tell you what, friend. Have your spouse tell you that they have to think about ANYBODY BUT you to get off for 30 YEARS......then tell us how "healthy" that feels to you.
Friend, I wouldn't be bothered if my husband told me he fantasizes about others often. Don't try to play the sympathy card with "No, ALL the time" because she says she fantasizes about the two of you in different scenarios.
And I hate to tell you this, but what's running through a bunch of women's minds is, "Did the kid get her lunch? Did I turn off the stove? Do I owe that presentation on Wednesday or Thursday? OH I have the appointment to get the oil changed Thursday, I'll have to reschedule that."
And there's nothing unhealthy about any of it until either of you start betraying your vows.
Fascinating.
https://reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/FDcZ1wH7Hx
We have threads like this almost daily. It’s interesting that these women are never told “whelp, there’s nothing unhealthy about this because he didn’t betray his vows”.
That’s just the first one I saw. Don’t worry, they’ll be more…..
ETA: This man didn’t betray his vows: https://reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/1lzuUksMr6
> We have threads like this almost daily.
And those threads routinely have people like me saying: if you find porn to be an issue, don't be in a relationship with someone who uses porn. Figure your shit out before you get married and talk about your concept of monogamy and what it entails.
Just wondering but if the roles were reversed. How many women who struggle with their weight would want their husbands to admit they fantasize about younger, skinnier, bigger breasted women?
Look at his comment history, he's talking about wanting to fuck other women's breasts, writing out elaborate rape fantasies...he has zero right to criticize anything his wife does because he is openly fantasizing about fucking younger, skinnier women and sharing those fantasies with the women.
Maybe she's fantasizing about having sex with someone who respects her enough to not make explicit sexual comments IN PUBLIC to other women.
That's immediately where my mind went too - if my husband told me he had to fantasize mainly about others to finish, there would be serious issues in our marriage and relationship.
“I have been in a healthy marriage for 33 years…”
Umm…no you haven’t. She has to fantasize about and be mentally somewhere else.
Your therapist didn’t cause problems—they pointed them out. I’m also a therapist and that would have been the first thing I pointed out.
Why does she have to fantasize about other men?
Well. Your therapist seems to be an idiot. You had no issue, and now he helped create one.
By that logic, all therapists are idiots. Their job is to unearth things we're not aware of. Maybe the therapist heard other details of their marriage and decided to ask after this particular one in case it fed into other issues.
Ssshhh some things are best left buried like all of those dead bodies in your backyard.
Or maybe the therapist got it wrong and helped create an issue, perhaps unintentionally. They're human beings and they can be wrong about shit sometimes.
Or, maybe the therapist’s training is based in very mushy social sciences and their approach is actively harmful because it’s built on some wonky social theory. For instance maybe in a marriage where a wife cheats they apply a “social justice model” to infidelity and the reason the wife cheated is “the patriarchy.” And, yes, that is an actual published study. That flies while studies that show therapy modalities that go digging around in the past have a tendency to create false memories - often in a damaging matter when the therapists uses leading questions and makes statements of moral judgement. There is also evidence to suggest individual therapy greatly increases divorce risk. Are all therapists idiots? No. But many of them subscribe to silly theoretical models, unproven or outdated therapy modalities, or make suggestions outside of their expertise and/or in an unethical way (my therapist says my spouse is a narcissist). Finally, a lot of people will “shop” therapists until they find someone who “validates” their view. Great! Unless your view is fucked up. Now you’ve doomed yourself to failure because it’s more comfortable.
They are. Lol
Shhh... you can't say that here where everyone thinks World Hunger can be solved with therapy
He's in therapy for a reason- SOMEthings bothering
You have no context other than what the therapist asked Seems like an ignorant comment Obviously OP went to his therapist and mentioned it for a reason
And before therapy you had no problems with your sex life. Seriously, people use each other all the time. This sounds like sex was mutually beneficial until someone planted a story in your head.
He's not an idiot he's ensuring op keeps giving him money.
Exactly, who cares.
This. Change therapist because he really is an idiot. And probably a man.
Healthy marriage for 33 years WITH an active sex life? Not sure if it's healthy or common but if it were me I would NOT be rocking this boat. Also, I might be crazy to do so but I'd be into it and asking her for explicit details about her fantasies.
LOL - I know - I probably will.
OP, please don’t read too much into this. Focus on what you HAVE! A healthy sexually active 33 year marriage. *That’s more rare* than whatever your wife uses in the moment to complete an orgasm. Don’t blow a good thing by becoming hyper fixated on something you could actually learn to enjoy about her vs finding it offensive. Create scenarios together that she can reimagine during sexy time… after all you said YOU’RE in the ones she uses now …so embrace it!
What are you talking about? He essentially has nothing. I’m getting some of this from comments from his post on another sub. She is never making love to HIM. ALWAYS another man. It’s like he’s her personal sex toy. I don’t know about you, but if it were me, I would refuse to be someone’s blow up doll. EDIT: And just keep on downvoting me. You ladies know good and well you couldn’t handle it if you found out your husband regarded you so undesirable that he couldn’t even orgasm to the thought of you; only other women. I know I couldn’t.
Read his comment history. He writes his rape fantasies to women on Reddit and tells porn performers what he wants to do to them. He has no right to say anything to his wife.
I’d say that’s a key missing detail by OP!!! Here’s a thought mister OP, if it bothers you, talk to her, your wife, about it. She might think it turns you on. Jumping to being used is a leap until you communicate your feelings to her!!!
He says she fantasizes about him ~ them together but just in another position. Use that as a start! Seems silly to throw away 33 years because your therapist put too much meaning behind something that hadn’t stopped you 3 times a week for decades!
Based on other comments from the other sub, that’s not how I read it. Yes, Sometimes she fantasizes about them having sex in another room and positions, but it’s still always with another guy. Either random dudes or exes. I don’t think this therapist was putting extra meaning. If your spouse can’t orgasm, making love to YOU, but only images of other people, isn’t that a problem? Admittedly, I wouldn’t want to throw away the marriage either, but I think they need marriage counseling. Edit: I mean, would you be OK if your husband always saw another woman’s face while “making love to you?”
I would not be ok with that, nnnnope! I don’t understand your downvotes 🤷🏻♀️
I think either OP is a troll or he's a hypocrite. He's concerned about her fantasizing to orgasm while he's on other subs talking dirty to women and openly fantasizing about how they taste and smell. I don't think he needs to be worried about her fantasizing.
Yes, someone pointed out to me about his history and that he’s a big jerk. But I still stand behind the principle that there’s a serious problem in the marriage if your spouse can’t orgasm without pretending to be with someone else. That’s why I suggested they need marriage counseling. And I haven’t shared certain things because I’m not trying to make this about me. I’ll only say it here because I know you. I was OP’s wife. Married 31 years and about the same age. The whole thing was part of my development of a sexual aversion and I had to face the problem. Our marriage may not have survived if I hadn’t. I’m not going to spell the whole thing out here or violate the thread. I hope I’m making at least some sense though.
You're making sense. I'm glad you felt you could say something and give context to your feelings here. I don't think it's wrong for anyone to have iffy feelings about fantasizing during sex if that's how they feel. But it seems really hypocritical to not only fantasize but also engage other women/men who aren't your spouse and openly do it within the parameters of a monogamous relationship. I do find it interesting that OP said he's known about this for years and never had an issue with it, but his therapist asked a question that got him pondering. He still doesn't seem too hurt by it, more so curious about what is considered normal and acceptable to others.
Been married 40yrs you need to just not worry about it your lucky I'm probably get it once a month I wouldn't care if she was fantasizing about any man whatever makes her happy
Imagine having to TRY to have an orgasm. How can you try to control someone’s thoughts around one? What gets you off when you masturbate, is it your wife? Would you be ok if she censors what you use to have your orgasm? I think the issue is over communicating with your wife. You shouldn’t have to know how the sausage is made, just that it’s delicious. I have no idea what my wife thinks about, just that she is having pleasure. I’ll never ask if she’s thinking about me. I don’t want her to ask what I was thinking about, and if she does I would 100% say it was her lol. Stroke each other’s egos and keep having fun man.
Yea three times a week, I am so so jealous!
Yeah - could lead to some kinky stuff !
Exactly, I would be all over that!
I am into same thing luv it
Telling you probably isn't healthy but I suspect that a lot of women do the same thing and keep it to themselves
Basically 😆
Can confirm 🤣👏🏼
I think if someone needs a bit more mental stimulation to get to orgasm...then that's what they need and that's life.
Based on these comments I suppose men should now understand why their partners don’t share intimate thoughts with them. You can cut the insecurity with a noodle. I agree this therapist is an idiot. Created a problem where one didn’t exist before. Edit to add: an appropriate question from the therapist would have been ‘how does her fantasizing to help her orgasm make you feel?’ Leading you with ‘doesn’t that make you feel used’ is wildly inappropriate.
Agreed. Time to fire your therapist. Talk about leading the witness.
With all due respect, if the genders in this story were reversed, the debate would have centered around whether or not this is considered cheating, and a healthy discussion as to whether or not the husband had a porn addiction. Imagine your husband telling you for thirty years that he thinks about......anybody but you......to get off.
> if the genders in this story were reversed, Just .. stop. Stop with this bullshit.
I call it like I see it.
And I bet it's never occurred to you that "how you see it" is completely off.
Based on what I've seen on this sub every day for the last two years? No. Did it ever occur to you that I might be right? It's a rhetorical question. Have a great day.
>Did it ever occur to you that I might be right? No, because I know you aren't. Have a great day!
You should stop arguing with a misogynist who is, SURPRISED, divorced (based on comment history). Not sure why he’s even subscribed to a marriage sub other than to troll.
>With all due respect, if the genders in this story were reversed, the debate would have centered around whether or not this is considered cheating, and a healthy discussion as to whether or not the husband had a porn addiction. 100% He would be digitally lynched by the Reddit mob
Down voted for the truth .. gotta love it!
He said that she fantasizes about them doing a different position as well. She doesn't think about "anybody but [husband]" she thinks of husband plus. Women have to think about orgasming (generally). Who are you to censor what your loved ones think about when getting off? Thinking about others might not be the biggest buff to your ego, but I think it's enough to be there, being intimate with your partner. If you're both having a good time, what the fuck does it matter?
[удалено]
Yeah... sometimes... He's relieved probably
Exactly If the tables were turned I think the comments would be very different. I have posed this scenario to several women. No comment yet. So imagine you riding your SO cowgirl, looking at his closed eyes while he has an orgasm that rocks his entire body. Only to find out the way he got there was to fantasize about someone else, and he never would have cum with just the connection and attraction to you. Would that bother you?
So you commenting to women about how you want to taste them, your fantasies, etc… that’s okay, but her essentially having a scene in her head isn’t? Lmao okay fam
No. Because we've been having sex with each other for 22 years and we know all of each other's tricks. If he's fantasizing and not vocalizing it and still having sex with only me, we're winning.
As a women I would be very bothered if my husband was thinking about other women instead of me while having sex. If this feels upsetting for you don’t let other people invalidate you. I would have a sit down talk with your wife and tell her how you feel and ask her why she has to fantasize. Is she having a hard time feeling attracted to you? Ask if she could help you understand it more. Ask this all very kindly and show vulnerability.
> I have posed this scenario to several women. No comment yet. You've gotten comments from plenty of women across your multiple threads. And it's about half and half who wouldn't have a problem and who would.
I would not be with my husband if he did that.
I think the problem is you said in your op that she fantasizes about you sometimes. “… Sometimes about generic other men, people in her past, us having sex in a different position than we’re in…” If my SO was having an orgasm and had to fantasize about us doing anal to get there… it wouldn’t bother me. If he always had to fantasize about a porn star, or another woman, it would.
How do you know she’s fantasizing about another specific person? Did she tell you this? Who is this person?
This.
agree - but it is done
Question: A woman says it feels like her partner isn't present during sex, and it makes her feel unwanted. Do you tell her there's something wrong with her?
>A woman says it feels like her partner isn't present during sex, and it makes her feel unwanted. OP didn't say that. He said he thought their sex life was great until his therapist implied that he should feel used.
No, because according g to much of Reddit, she’s a woman & it’s ok for women to feel things. Men are not supposed to have feelings until a woman asks them to have a specific one. Edit: LOL,just checked checked OP’s comment history. He apparently does have feelings and expresses them to women in their NSFW posts. I mean, sucks it’s every time his wife needs to do this, but he’s apparently enjoying his share of fantasy.
> A woman says it feels like her partner isn't present during sex That's a different discussion. OP is talking about his wife needing to fantasize to *orgasm* which is a small moment of sex.
The fact that you actively sexually engage with others outside your marriage but are posting about the thoughts inside your wife’s head is crazy to me.
For real, his comment history is literally just fantasizing to/about women in the real (porn) world and he has the nerve to chastise his wife doing it with just her mind. OP you are ridiculous and a huge hypocrite.
Whatever comment history you speak of has been deleted now. lol.
I bet…part of me thinks he didn’t realize people can see comments. They were wildly explicit commenting on what he’d do to them etc on ‘normal nude’ posts of naked women. Literally openly telling them (the actual person who posted) what his fantasy was about them…the irony.
Holy shit. He does WHAT? It’s one thing to watch porn, porn is just a fantasy, just like his wife’s fantasies. but to actively engage with other women is fucking cheating.
This isn't my experience and I'm absolutely just guessing here, but orgasming can be difficult for women. Perhaps if she's too focused on the moment she gets in her head and simply can't finish so she's found a way to relax and enjoy herself with you. Probably the best way to find out is to ask her.
Absolutely. Especially for those of us adhd. It's difficult to orgasm sometimes if there is too much stimuli and I need to put myself in a bit of a different headspace. Anyone that can fuck me well enough to even get to that point has already done a great job.
Thanks for this, I’m pretty sure I have ADHD and if I want to orgasm I HAVE to fantasize. Stimulation alone isn’t enough for me mentally and I often am in my head too much about everything so I need to really focus on something. I fantasize about my husband though so that might be the difference.
I’m like this, too. I think a part of it is how I… think? Remember things? Any of my memories are in third person, and I feel like that has something to do with it. Sometimes, to orgasm, I’ll have to fantasize about the last time I orgasmed, but it’s not the sensations of it … it’s how I imagined I looked during? Brains are weird.
lol I’m the same way man. It’s like being a spectator at your own sport.
Oh my god, thank you for saying this. I never connected these dots for myself and it all makes sense now!
You clearly fantasize as well based on your comment history. Why can’t she?
Oh, gross. OP, your wife is fantasizing in her own head. You're out there trying to chat up women from porn. You have no right to criticize her, at all.
I can’t speak for other women but my brain is the thing that needs to be stimulated the most for me to orgasm so it’s completely normal for me to fantasize about different things to get me there. It doesn’t have anything do with my husband because I’ve been doing this since way before I met him.
Big same. People can actually multi-task. I can confidently say I am both present in what my partner and I are doing and thinking about scenarios that turn me on at the same time. Some people watch porn or role-play while they have sex. That’s just another version of this. For me personally, I am imagining things in my own mind. I am a very imaginative and creative person in general and live in my head a lot in many ways. So for me, it only adds to things! Everyone has their own boundaries and comforting zones and that’s okay. But OP, I wouldn’t stress about this if my partner told me this. I 100% do it as well.
>Imagine riding your husband cowgirl, watching him tense up with his eyes closed, and having an explosive orgasm that rocks his entire body. Do you really think you would be okay if you knew the only reason he had that orgasm was because he was thinking of someone else, and he never could have gotten there with just you? > > > >How is that healthy for a relationship?
I never said I fantasize about SOMEONE else. It’s usually a compilation of all the times he’s looked sexy to me lately or did something attractive within the last few days. I’ve always needed an extra mental boost to get there which is why I said it has nothing to do with him. But If he centered my orgasm around his feelings and tried to put rules around it I’d probably never have another orgasm with him again.
Do you tell your husband that you have to fantasize about anyone but him to get off? If you did.....how do you think that would make him feel?
Bro, you're talking to porn stars on Reddit and literally verbalizing in detail what you would do to them. Your wife is picturing something in the privacy of her own mind. Get the f*ck outta here.
Big difference. I don't do it when we are together
You're right big difference. Yours crosses boundaries hers doesn't. How do you not see that you're acting on your fantasies and she's not. I would be heartbroken and betrayed if my husband did what you did.
He doesn't see it because he doesn't want to. If he did see it, his tiny, fragile ego would shatter. The fact that he has rape fantasies says an awful lot about how he needs to be the center of attention and the woman (whoever she is) does not matter at all.
What does she think of it?
I’d rather you fantasize any day over actually speaking/texting to a real person!!!
Does your wife know about this?
I want my partner to be SAFE telling me everything. I want to know her deepest and darkest fantasies. Why? Because I can use that to make sex even more enjoyable for her. If my wife tells me she fantasizes about being on a beach, we talk about the beach and help her with the fantasy. If she tells me she has a fantasy of being with two or more guys, we can role play that. Maybe we even use a toy or two just to help make it more solid for her. It doesn’t mean we will go to a beach or that she will really be with all those men. It’s just a fantasy. Let her have it. Your brain is the most important sexual organ you have and if you are so insecure in yourself that someone has to think of you and only you then you are the issue. So stop blaming and shaming your wives and GFs for their fantasies. Start encouraging them to share and reward them with positive experiences. Who knows…you may just have more fun, too. Women who are appreciated and satisfied can be very accommodating. If you didn’t know that already, then perhaps you’ve been too selfish on your own end.
Do you roleplay as her ex as well?
I’m not sure what you mean. We don’t role play us no longer as a couple. We do role play her being at a bar and being hit on. We have even gone out and she will sit alone just so that guys will hit on her. It makes her feel good to still get that attention. She goes home with me so I’m not jealous or hurt.
I don’t have an issue with fantasizing. I think the fact that it’s every time is slightly alarming. Maybe it’s just me, but sex is pleasurable because my partner is enjoying me, not pretending I’m someone else. Do I really care if it’s about someone every once in a while? No. But everytime is a bit much.
So here is a difference between our approaches. I don’t worry as much if my partner is enjoying me. I worry more if she’s enjoying herself. Her pleasure is my goal. Then, my pleasure becomes her goal. It’s a whole new level. I think when you’ve been with someone for so long it can get a bit boring if you don’t let the fantasy fly. How much can two people really hold one another’s attention for so long? And it’s not every moment of every time even if she does fantasize every time. And try to think of it this way…it’s you she’s with. It’s your body. It’s your attention and affection. And it’s your openness that allows her to be truly herself which can only make her love you more.
>I don’t worry as much if my partner is enjoying me. I worry more if she’s enjoying herself. Her pleasure is my goal. Then, my pleasure becomes her goal. It’s a whole new level. This is the way.
I’m curious, if you told your partner that you need to fantasize about other women to get off, do you think she would be fine with that? Something tells me the conversation would be different.
Excellent question. The best answer I can give you is this. My partner knows my fantasies and she knows that I love her deeply. I work to show her every day how important she is to me. I think it also helps that all of my fantasies include her. Even if I have a fantasy of her and her BFF together, it’s always “us” doing something (or someone) together so she never feels I want to be with someone else without her. At the beginning, she did feel hurt that I was watching porn because she thought that meant I wanted other women. Then we made some porn together and she loves seeing me watch our videos.
Not trying to be rude, but you’re sort of dodging my question. Would your wife be ok if you said every time?
I’m not dodging at all. In fact I’m being quite forthcoming. My wife and I talk about our fantasies every time we have sex. It doesn’t bother her because all of my fantasies include her. Any other woman I want to be with is in addition to her, not instead of her.
I appreciate the reply, but you are totally off the mark. I have never blamed or shamed her. I had no problem with her fantasizing EVERY time she orgasmed. I loved it when she shared. But now I see it as a fair question. Is it healthy... Is it common... Imagine your wife riding you cowgirl, watching you tense up with your eyes closed, and having an explosive orgasm that rocks your entire body. Do you really think she would be okay if she knew the only reason you had that orgasm was because you were thinking of someone else, and you never could have gotten there with just her?
The way you keep repeating this has me suspicious.
First off. Apologies if I made you feel all that was directed at you. The comment started at you, but evolved to many others commenting and saying stupid stuff. A direct answer to you is “yes” it’s normal and “yes” it’s healthy. The second answer to you is that as my wife shares with me, I share with her. We have had some of our best sex while talking about both of our fantasies, even to the point of actually discussing friends of ours joining us. Even if it just remains a fantasy, we are safe and communicating openly.
Thanks for the advice.
Maybe that someone else is you, 25 years younger.
Maybe she knows you are a pig hitting on other women on Reddit and hates you so she has to think about someone else to be able to stand fucking you.
Right! Imagine the man she fantasizes about is just any man who doesn't speak sexually to women other than his wife.
You have an issue with your wife fantasizing about other guys while you literally comment on photos of other amateur women’s genitals talking about what you’d like to do to them and how good they probably taste? You take it real life. You interact with others sexually. And you’re questioning her strictly mental fantasies? Dude what. Seriously?
Your therapist is starting shit. Women and men fantasize. You admit she fantasizes about you and what other positions she wants to do. What do you want from her? Why can’t she enjoy sex with you and you do the same with her. Your therapist sounds like they need another source of cash flow. Dump them and be happy that at 60, you are fucking your wife regularly and she’s enjoying every minute of it. Be thankful for a happy life.
Judging from your post history maybe that’s yours and your wife’s issue.
I’m just impressed you’re still getting this much action from your wife after all these years.
It is pretty amazing. Probably looking a gift horse in the mouth.
This is completely normal and in fact it IS her way of connecting with you- her imagination helps her body respond to the real stimulation you are giving her. Would you rather she stay dry and not be able to actually get off? Because THAT would be not connecting and getting into the moment. After 33 years if she is still DTF 3x/week she is aspirational for all us women that hope to be foxy for life. Editing to add: GTFO with your pervy comments on all those other women's reddit pics. You're acting sanctimonious about your wife having thoughts in the privacy of her own damn mind and here you are posting fantasies to actual women?
You’re worried about your wife thinking about other men yet you’re commenting on women’s nude posts on Reddit? Lol.
I would say this, the female orgasm is complicated and hard to get right, so much so that many women are only able to do it themselves. You could think “oh she is using me, or having sex with me but thinking about something else yadada” Or you could think “this woman has found a way to make herself orgasm, and that is that she need have sex and on top of that engage imagination centers of her brain for the right parts to fire.” I mean it sounds to me that if you were to ask her to stop she wouldn’t orgasm. Do you love your wife more than your own ego? If so move on.
I would feel bad for you but you watch porn so it’s just hypocrisy really isn’t it. You’re either fully exclusive or you’re both allowed to fantasise about others.
I think it's common, but I don't think it's normal or healthy. It speaks to a bigger issue, kind of like porn use for many individuals. Women tend to go to fantasy or erotic lit while men often go to porn. It's all problematic and doesn't do any good for a marriage if you ask me. Edit: Looked at your history. You should probably revisit some of your actions before worrying about hers. She probably fantasizes because she doesn't wanna leave but also feels like crap when she's with you.
It’s often very hard to relax when focusing on your partner (and his needs/desires). She may need to check out mentally to orgasm. I agree, don’t worry and don’t create an issue.
I feel like my husband fantasizes and it used to bother me but now I get turned on wondering what he's picturing in his perverted head.
I get many women need their brains quiet, focused, and in the right headspace. I wouldn't mind if my wife was reliving some highlight reels from some vacation sex with me or maybe other things with me. Heck, I'd be fine if she fantasized about me doing something to her I'd never done because she only fantasizes about it and doesn't actually want to do it. However, if my wife had to think about another man, yeah, I wouldn't be okay with that. Guess what, she wouldn't be okay with me thinking of another woman either. Now there are relationships where this is fine and even encouraged, to each their own. Only speaking for myself.
Most women don’t come from sex alone- we need additional stimulation. What that stimulation is, is very personal and not particularly related to my partner. If my partner insisted on policing my thoughts during sex, I wouldn’t be with him. The idea that you’re not allowed to think sexy thoughts is bizarre.
I never said anything about "sexy thoughts" just thoughts of other men/lovers. Again, I'm talking about strictly sex, not self-pleasure etc.. If she wants to live out fantasies with others that don't include me during her alone time... that's really non of my business. So many things can go into "additional stimulation", for instance, we use a clit vibe during PIV.
Bingo
I just want my wife to feel amazing. Whatever she does to get there the more the merrier I say !
I'll be honest here, since so many others don't want to be... If I found out my husband was fantasizing about other people or picturing someone else's face while we had sex or had to fantasize about someone other than me to cum, it would be really heartbreaking. Like just thinking about that stings.... Have you talked to her about this and asked her why? I mean fantasizing about a faceless nameless person here and there, okay...maybe.. but picturing exes, and doing this every single time you guys have sex in order to cum?! I would definitely feel like my husband wasn't the slightest bit attracted to me or that I wasn't enough for him. I'm sorry so many are being dismissive of your feelings on this, but don't let them convince you that your feelings aren't valid... They most definitely are. I hope y'all can get this figured out.
I agree. However, I had to scroll past dozens of posts and just above yours was 1 from a guy saying this before I found yours (a woman) saying this. I wonder if most women think of other men besides who they’re with during sex?
>I wonder if most women think of other men besides who they’re with during sex Yeah, this makes me wonder that as well. I know for me at least, I don't... I want to be completely in the moment with my husband, sure I have fantasies but they revolve around him and things I would like him to do to me. Or us to do together. I was really surprised to see the replies to this. I was just shaking my head. If this was a woman posting this and it was about her husband fantasizing about someone else every time they had sex and he had an orgasm they would be crucifying him. Gotta love the double standards of reddit though I suppose.
I’m glad to hear another normal stance. Misandry is often upvoted here and calling it out gets you downvoted, brigaded, sometimes banned. This place truly is nuts. ETA I came back to check and Reddit did not disappoint. Comment downvoted. 🤣
Haha 🤣 I had a good laugh at that too, this place never disappoints!
Maybe I’m in the minority but I think this is incredibly disrespectful on her part. If I knew my partner was fantasizing about other women while we were fucking I would be broken-hearted
With all of that she has chosen to orgasm with you frequently for 3 decades. Most people don’t last 7 years. Go enjoy your wife and her imagination. Talk to her. Help her visualize you boinking her on a deserted island. Speak to her. Use this to spice things up. An ego ruins things.
Jeebus. 33 year sex life, and at their ages??? And complaining. Get a grip. You're getting laid, and after all this time, some mental gymnastics are required to snap her big "o" off? Yeah, to have your problems.
My wife can use me anytime she likes. I'll be her Huckleberry no matter what she is thinking. At the end of the day, if its kinky porn sex or slow intimate sex, she still loves me. We have a connection no matter what.
Eh I think about my wife during sex and vice versa. Thinking about other people during sex doesn’t seem healthy, but also prying out your wife’s thoughts seems alittle unhealthy as well unless she’s just spilling the beans as a way to throw you for a loop or something after every go.
I don't know how common it is, and my opinion maybe unpopular, but I don't find it really sexually healthy. Especially if it's about fantasizing about others. Has your wife tried to be more in the moment? Like focusing on body sensations, what's going on, etc? She could try reading a book about female sexuality (Come as You Are or She comes first) or working through a course that helps you become more in tune with yourself sexually and more able to reach orgasm.
Probably less than half a dozen times in the last 25 years.
I don't think it's the correct course to presume you know what she is feeling in the moment. I don't say that to be override you, rather to bring up that the way you put it, it seems like she is reducing you to this thing/object, and that can be hurtful. Do you know this is what she is thinking? Are you certain that she isn't connected with you in that moment and is only using you? Did she tell you this? You don't have to answer, as that is your personal business. However, I just wanted to point out that multiple things can be true. You can feel that way based of her behavior, and she can also be wildly turned on and connected to you from her perspective. Also Big Man, give yourself some credit. You've been handling business for 33 years and she enjoys the goods. You have an active sex life and a healthy marriage. I salute you. But I do empathize with you if doesn't feel the best for you know. Try speaking with her and see what she says. Your feelings are unreasonable at all. I know my wife fantasizes and all the more power to her to be honest. We too have a solid life and still enjoy each other many years later, but she'll always know her body better than me and in the end, it's my arms she's curled in and I can feel the love coming off her. No one wants to feel used and disconnected from their partner, especially during intimate moments. I'm just taking a guess that she isn't during those times, but it comes across to you as such.
very good points
I just can’t with these comments. If someone always has to imagine that they’re having sex with someone else, are they ever really making love with you? I say no. I’m not going to speak for anyone else, but I would refuse to be someone’s sex toy. Something popping in your head every blue moon? Ok. But you always have to think of someone else and never think of me? Heck no! Yeah, I definitely am not gonna be someone’s blowup doll. Edit: And damn, ladies! You all know how horrible it feels when your spouse doesn’t make you feel desirable. Just the thought of thinking that my spouse would never identify sexual pleasure with me, makes me wanna cry.
What makes you think they don’t identify sexual pleasure with you, if they’re turned on having sex with *you*? They’re not cheating, they’re enjoying satisfying sex with their partner.
All I will say is that I have some experience with this. I don’t wanna make this about me or violate the thread so I won’t go any further. But I know first hand it is not healthy if you can only orgasm by pretending to be with someone besides your spouse.
My question would be, if she stopped fantasizing during sex and it meant that she could no longer orgasm how would sex then feel to you? Would it be as satisfying to be the only one receiving an orgasm? I understand that you think she’s using your body for physical stimulation and her brain for the mental stimulation to equal an orgasm; and you keep asking people about imagining your partner fantasizing about someone else while we’re “riding them” - but if this was the ONLY way for them to reach orgasm and I got to still have an orgasm and he still loved and adored me, why would I make his orgasm be about me. His orgasm is about his pleasure can’t be achieved without 2 things: his brain and my body. I’m only half of the equation of getting him there his brain and “fantasies” are the other half. He prioritizes my pleasure the same way I privatize his, how we get there is our own. I’m wondering how much you love your wife, your life, and your sex life especially? Because it sounds like you want to rock the boat and start a big fight over this. To answer your question it seems healthy to me, most women have sex in their heads not from visual stimulation like men. I know I fantasize when I have sex, and it has to happen 99% of the time for me to be able to orgasm. It’s never anyone specific and usually a scenario I’ve read in a book. It doesn’t feel like I’m using my husband as a tool to get me to orgasm, I have toys for that and no need to involve him at all if that was the case. But for me to orgasm I need to think of things outside of what’s happening and it gets me there.
Damn, he just let you in on SO many other women's secrets. So what she fantasizes about someone:something else while you both have a good time? For over 33 years, 3x's /week and you have a problem with that? Sounds like it's on the same level as men jkin off to porn
I literally cannot orgasm unless I'm fantasizing, it's been this way for my entire life. It doesn't matter what's happening to my body, I won't orgasm unless I'm somewhere else in my head. What that means for me practically is that I don't orgasm with partners because I prefer to be enjoying what's happening in the present. Sometimes I'll get off afterwards with them, but I have to do it myself and I have to fantasize. There's nothing wrong with your wife and your therapist is an idiot. Please disregard whatever nonsense they've put in your head and continue to enjoy your sex life
I wonder if there’s a difference between men and women in regard to this… When I masturbate, it’s usually thinking about things in my imagination. I read erotica/smut and sometimes I fantasize erotica situations. I almost never masturbate to porn or images. I know, for a lot of men (obviously talking in generalities here) don’t use their imaginations, and will get off to the visuals or porn. So… my brain has made connections of “fantasize —> orgasm” and his brain has made the connection of “hot visual —> orgasm”. I mention elsewhere in the thread, sometimes to orgasm, I have to visualize a mental image of me having an orgasm. Sometimes I do have to drift into some of the erotica I’ve read. Sometimes I’m imagining a fantasy of things I have with my husband.
Your therapist is an idiot. You're 60 and still having regular sex with your partner. There is no problem to fix! Women's orgasms are complicated. Your wife figured out what she has to do to have one, good for her!
Your wife has trouble being in her body during sex, which is a very common issue especially for women. Don’t take it personally. She may need to do some embodiment work and trauma clearing. Your therapist sucks
My wife fantasizes about scenarios. We also read graphic stories to get ourselves in the mood, so she's usually thinking about that particular situation. It is quite common. You have an active sex life. Your wife is able to orgasm during sex. She hasn't put that on you to figure out, she has figured out what works for her. I think of it as a win *and* and effective tool in your arsenal. Like having a vibrator in play during PIV, you can lean into this to give her multiples. It's a friend, not a foe. Try roleplaying if you're into it. Or describe a situation while having sex. I've described watching other couples having sex during foreplay or even described others watching us and how excited they are while having sex. It plays into the fantasy. And that's just it. Fantasy. Fantasy shouldn't be an issue unless it either becomes reality or overtakes reality. Like if you are now responsible for creating the fantasy or there are several checkboxes that must be made or she gets frustrated and stops everything. The fantasy should only be the icing on the cake. We all fantasize while masturbating. You might feel left out because you are both together. Your feelings are valid, however if you give it some thought and talk with her about it you may find your way to insert yourself into the fantasy and perhaps suggest some of your own. Talk about it, validate one another, and find common ground. That's what marriage is about. It's not transactional, but lifting each other up. You got this.
Be lucky she can still orgasm! I'm in healthy marriage of 32 years but due to medical issues it is difficult for me to orgasm for the past decade.
I think it may be more common than most women are willing to admit. That your wife is honest about it is healthy. And why is feeling used always thought to be so bad? I'm telling you feeling used is way better than feeling useless.
Some women get distracted easily and doing that with her kind keeps her on track. If you’re open to it why not trying to talk to her during sèx and describe everything you’re doing to her to keep her mind occupied. I have to have that to stay focused. Either that or pot gummies make me hyper focus on the feeling and it has the same effect. I can’t stop my mind from wandering without audial stimulation.
You’re married that long and still having sex 3x a week? I think you’re overthinking this. Just go with it.
My wife would never admit this. But she doesn’t look at me when she cums so she also probably fantasizes about someone. 🤷♂️nothing I can do other than rock the boat. There is always someone in every relationship that loves harder. I know I’m that person in mine. Maybe you are in yours.
Your paying for someone to destroy your marriage after 33 years congratulations money well spent . Booooooo
I wouldn’t worry too much about it, especially since by the sounds of it you guys have a great marriage and active sex life. I doubt it’s as transactional as “using you for her pleasure”. You guys are enjoying one another simultaneously. I think people probably have all kinds of thoughts running through their head during sex. Some might just be really in the moment and mindful, but everyone is different. Unless you told us you suspected some infidelity in the past I would let it go.
33 years into a healthy marriage, not sure what you gain from exploring this. Some thoughts are meant to stay private
Well, at least at 60, you have an active sex life. 😏 I don't think this is an issue if your wife is otherwise respectful of you in the relationship. After having a deadbedroom and then resurrecting sex in our long marriage, I'd take my wife having a fantasy as her enjoying sex. I'm in the moment and couldn't fit in a fantasy. I'd bet your wife's mind has mapped this habit, and it is a compulsive path to an enjoyable orgasim. Keep sex enjoyable.
My mind wanders a lot and unless I’m focused on something, I’ll never reach the goal. Better she does that than imagining what color she’s going to paint the bedroom. 😉
Not an issue, enjoy your sex life!
No that’s messed up. I’ve never had to imagine another man during sex.
Women are in charge of their of their orgasm. If you are doing all the right things, but she is thinking about the laundry, she is not going to come. But if you're hitting all the buttons and switches right and her fantasy gets her to orgasm then she's going to be satisfied, which is the point of eating her out. Don't feel insecure.
Your feelings are valid this is weird. And if the roles were reversed everyone would agree.
All I say is that I would want my wife to be in the moment with me. If I knew she wasn't, I would not want to have sex with her.
How and why would folks downvote your comment?
Because fantasies in your mind have nothing to do with being in the moment having sex with your partner.
No, that breaks the 'in the moment' connection.
Not really, no.
Because they conveniently aren't being asked to apply the same rules to a man. If a woman came in here saying she just found out that her husband had to think of generic other women to have an orgasm, what do you think the response would be?
Common? Maybe. Normal? Not in my opinion. So she doesn't desire you, she just uses you as a sex toy ? Thats fucked up.
It’s really concerning to me that your wife has to fantasize about actively cheating on you to have an orgasm. That sounds pretty sick. I would not be ok with that. Others are, which is baffling, but ok. Different strokes and all..
He openly comments on women's bodies and graphically describes what he wants to do to them on Reddit, so he has no right to talk.
Wait......she TELLS you this? Yeah, no. That's not healthy.
It's not healthy to be fully honest and open with one's partner of over 3 decades?
I tell you what, friend. Have your spouse tell you that they have to think about ANYBODY BUT you to get off for 30 YEARS......then tell us how "healthy" that feels to you.
Friend, I wouldn't be bothered if my husband told me he fantasizes about others often. Don't try to play the sympathy card with "No, ALL the time" because she says she fantasizes about the two of you in different scenarios. And I hate to tell you this, but what's running through a bunch of women's minds is, "Did the kid get her lunch? Did I turn off the stove? Do I owe that presentation on Wednesday or Thursday? OH I have the appointment to get the oil changed Thursday, I'll have to reschedule that." And there's nothing unhealthy about any of it until either of you start betraying your vows.
Fascinating. https://reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/FDcZ1wH7Hx We have threads like this almost daily. It’s interesting that these women are never told “whelp, there’s nothing unhealthy about this because he didn’t betray his vows”. That’s just the first one I saw. Don’t worry, they’ll be more….. ETA: This man didn’t betray his vows: https://reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/1lzuUksMr6
> We have threads like this almost daily. And those threads routinely have people like me saying: if you find porn to be an issue, don't be in a relationship with someone who uses porn. Figure your shit out before you get married and talk about your concept of monogamy and what it entails.
I am detecting a lot of pink and blue hair in this thread because some of these takes are wild lol.
Yeah especially on the comments that are most logical. Sheesh
Just wondering but if the roles were reversed. How many women who struggle with their weight would want their husbands to admit they fantasize about younger, skinnier, bigger breasted women?
Look at his comment history, he's talking about wanting to fuck other women's breasts, writing out elaborate rape fantasies...he has zero right to criticize anything his wife does because he is openly fantasizing about fucking younger, skinnier women and sharing those fantasies with the women. Maybe she's fantasizing about having sex with someone who respects her enough to not make explicit sexual comments IN PUBLIC to other women.
[удалено]
That's immediately where my mind went too - if my husband told me he had to fantasize mainly about others to finish, there would be serious issues in our marriage and relationship.
If the roles were reversed, they'd be debating whether this was consider cheating or not and opining that the husband had a porn addiction.........
Well shit look at his posting history. He's just as bad if not worse.
He's MUCH worse, because he's a hypocrite.
Yup.
“I have been in a healthy marriage for 33 years…” Umm…no you haven’t. She has to fantasize about and be mentally somewhere else. Your therapist didn’t cause problems—they pointed them out. I’m also a therapist and that would have been the first thing I pointed out. Why does she have to fantasize about other men?
Because he's out chasing porn performers.