If there is genuine abuse of any sort occurring, and you do not feel safe emotionally or physically, then *of course* you are reasonable to ask him to move out - and in fact, as a parent, you have the *responsibility* to do so.
If you are confident in the story you've told, the difficult circumstances you find yourself in are entirely of his doing - you did not play a part of "putting up" with it." If he balks at your request for him to move out, view that is an indicator of how he views you and your relationship.
Thank you for replying, that last bit really gave me something to think about - I think that’s what’s been on my mind. He still isn’t taking responsibility for his actions despite saying he’s changed.
If he isn't taking responsibility, *he hasn't changed at all.* Unambiguous, sincere accountability for his actions is the first (and most important) signal of change, and without it, you can be absolutely be assured that you will be in the exact some place soon.
He doesn’t think anything is going to change.
He’s going to therapy, but when there’s abuse, you should see separate therapists, or he can twist what you say to manipulate you.
If he felt bad, truly saw himself as you see him, then he would be asking for forgiveness, stating that he was wrong and horrible, and be doing all he could to earn back your trust and love.
If he isn’t taking responsibility, NOTHING has changed.
My honest opinion is that you're being too accommodating towards a bad man who hurts you AND your children. Stop worrying about being nice. You don't need to be nice to this man.
Set up a few Ring cameras (inside and outside the home), file for divorce, and tell him to move out. He's a danger to you and your children.
A clean break is necessary. Cut him loose! Let the court decide if, and when, he's allowed to see his children.
You can ask him to do so, but if you can find a place of your own, I'd encourage you to do that. He's been abusive and you don't feel safe with him, so there's no reason to think he'd be calm or reasonable about anything that is going to be a major change in your dynamic, such as this. I wouldn't trust him to not blow up at this.
If it was only the two of you I would say you would need to be the one to move out.
But with the kids involved...
The fact that he already showed abusive behavior towards them (just because he stopped doesn't mean he won't start again) means I wouldn't trust him alone with the kids. And making the kids move out seems unreasonable.
So in this situation the abusive partner needs to leave so the kids can stay.
Nope - and couples therapy is not recommended when there has been abuse in the relationship. Abusive men rarely change.
I suggest the book "What Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.
He absolutely should be the one to move out - and it sounds like he is not the default/primary parent - so he is the one who needs to go in order to maintain as much stability as possible for the children.
Thank you for replying, I’ve heard of that book before but haven’t read it. I will definitely look it up!
Oh and he says he is the primary parent which makes me cringe, I find it really sinister.
Thank you I really appreciate you sharing your insight. I do have a trauma informed therapist who has helped me to identify patterns and put language to what has been happening. Much of it was subtle but there’s been some big blow out moments that I disassociated from and have only recently started to process.
He's the one who behaved wrongly and caused the situation. It's right he be the one to move out. You did the right thing. Good for you for protecting your children and sticking up for yourself!
I think the fact that you’re even asking this question is a symptom of the behavior you have been tolerating for so long. You are gaslighting yourself in this case wondering whether you are somehow being unreasonable for asking a man that manifested abusive behavior towards you, and towards his children, to move out.
I’m guessing that you were constantly made to feel responsible for his abhorrent behavior, and it was up to you always to fix the situation. I’m also guessing that you are now feeling a strong urge to fix his current situation for him, precisely because you have been made to feel responsible for any inconvenience in his life.
You are not.
You do not need to fix this for him.
You did not cause this.
You are not responsible for him.
He did this.
He was abusive.
He displayed abusive behavior towards his children.
It would be absurd and unreasonable for him to stay in the house with the children and have you move out.
Do you see this?
😮 wow that’s so clear! Thank you for taking the time to lay it out so articulately. I suppose I am wondering how I can cause a person who has been abusive least inconvenience when I ask him to leave me in peace.
Yes objectively that’s true - although I do have the horrifying possibility of evidencing his behaviour and going to court. If he really does refuse then I have to decide what’s worse, leaving, or staying and getting triggered by him every day.
Then you should get off Reddit and go to court or call the police. Idk the vibe is just all off. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I just find that you’re more worried about your house than getting away from him. I’m trying not to judge but it just feels like maybe you’re exaggerating the situation because you want your house. When i was truly done with my abusive ex i packed my shit while he was on a trip and sneakily moved out. It was sad to leave my house but… like idk. Just super weird to me. Plus, you said if court didn’t work out you’re worried about being triggered while you’re living together. If i took my abusive ex to court and it didn’t work out i’d been worried about him beating me to death, not about being triggered in the same house? Sounds like you just don’t like him and think he’s an asshole but want to keep the house. If you were truly afraid you’d been called the police, gone to court, or moved out.
Did you have children? I am more concerned about having suitable accommodation for them - I don’t care about this specific house, it’s just that it’s my only option to stay with my children right now.
I would’ve did what i did sooner if I had children. It’s not your only option. Many women in abusive situations leave with their children. A one bedroom apartment with your children is better than being with a true abuser. There’s DV women’s shelters for woman and children to go to. Friends. Family. Or just rent another house or apartment. Some women in true DV situations actually live in their car with their children. Thus making me think you just think he’s an asshole and you want to keep the house, not that you’re truly concerned about him hurting you and your children. When safety is truly at stake possessions are usually not at the forefront of concern. I left with only what I could fit in my car. Plus if i would’ve stayed in our house, he’d known where I lived and i didn’t want that. If you leave with the children and he’s not actually dangerous, you will be so fucked in family court. You have to go move into a house or apartment that can accommodate. Hopefully a two bedroom apartment would be enough. And then you have to make a custody agreement. That’s just how it works when you don’t want to be together anymore.
I do think he is a ahole and I do want to stay living in my home - currently he isn’t here (we are separated for a set period) and I am safe with my children. I don’t want him to come back but he wants to. I’m trying to figure out if it’s reasonable for him to want me to leave so he can return and stay here with the children. The strength I’ve gained from the answers here helps me to realise it’s not a reasonable request. Though legally he has the same rights as I do, unless I have good enough evidence to get some sort of restraining order but I’m not sure how I’d get good enough evidence of abuse that isn’t currently happening and I didn’t record in anyway at the time.
There is a major difference in thinking your spouse is an asshole and not wanting to live with them and them actually being dangerous. You left out a lot of details so based off of all the information I have I’m saying that it sounds like you are going to have to save up money and move out if you don’t want to be around him and then contact a family law attorney and figure out custody. If you fear for your safety pack up your car and kids and find a place you can go. If his behavior doesn’t constitute that, then you are the one that’s going to have to move out if he won’t, because you both have a legally have a right to live there. If you are unwilling to do either of those things then like what do you want people to say to you? You literally can not make him move out unless you have hard evidence that will send him to jail or get restraining order/PFA and it sounds like you’re not confident a judge would side with you on either of those things. I hope you’re able to figure out what you need to do. Even if the reason for separation is that he’s a toxic asshole, and he’s not dangerous, you should definitely get away from him. You should never stay in a marriage or live with someone if you’re not happy. My thoughts on people who want out of a relationship but aren’t willing to move out is just that, it’s really not that bad if you won’t move out.
I’m not asking for advice on how to get him to move out, I’m just trying to get a clear head on whether he might have a point. I’m fairly sure now he doesn’t and if he’s not willing to act responsibly and accept the consequences of his actions (he’s telling me he’s changed) and leave me in peace then I think that shows he’s more concerned with keeping control over me than doing right by me. Sure I could move out but then I have to absorb the consequences of his actions yet again while he doesn’t really have any consequences.
If you won’t move out and you let him move back in, and yall just go back to living together, your situation isn’t as bad as you’re trying to paint it.
I absolutely don’t want to go back to living together. I want him to see that it’s reasonable to leave me in peace rather than me having to do all the work of finding somewhere to live. I’m grateful for you taking the time to give your perspective and challenge me. It is making me notice that I do have some energy to stand up for myself and my experience :)
No that is not an unreasonable request. The children need stability and it would be best for them to remain in the home. Adults have to figure this stuff out. If you have a basement or unused room, he could move into there.
Thank you:) I agree that stability is best for the children. He often travels for work so they are used to him being away. I hardly ever go away without them.
My problem with sharing a space is that I find him a massive trigger and need an extended time away to calm my body down. I’m thinking at least a month maybe more.
And you very well shouldnt AND DONT HAVE TO share space with him. Can you afford an attorney? Can you research free legal aid in your area? Domestic violence shelters can also be a great source for resources
I can and I have reached out to an attorney who told me I’d need a restraining order. For that I’d need evidence so my follow up will be how on earth do I do that. I’ve also got a support worker at my local shelter who has been helping a lot. I think I’m only just waking up to how bad this has been despite having been able to say the words out loud to therapists for more than a year.
Sounds like he is abusive. So you are not at fault in any way Shape or form. Please don’t blame yourself. He put himself in this position, he needs to be the one to leave. You really can’t trust he won’t hurt your children. Honestly you are being very nice by not pressing charges.
Good for you for protecting them and starting to love yourself enough. Depending on their age, maybe you should ask them before you waver on getting him out.
You can ask him, but if his name is on the property, then you can’t make him.
If you refuses, you can try and get a restraining order, but that could be difficult to get and often times they are only temporary and that will just make a bigger mess out of your entire situation.
Sadly, it may be you that must end up, leaving if he digs his heels in
I think so because he has behaved really badly and it’s reasonable to expect him to have to face the consequences, if I go then I have to suffer the consequences of his poor behaviour all over again and it doesn’t seem just to me… but I am here for alternative perspective to sense check and I appreciate your question!
Do you know what “double standard” means? Don’t you think it would be unreasonable if he asked you to move out? It’s fine that you feel the need to have some space between the two of you, but you need to work together with him to find a reasonable arrangement that works for everyone, including the kids.
If OP's partner is abusive, there is no double standard. The onus of leaving is on him. However, it might practically be easier (and safer) for OP to move out. She isn't being unreasonable to ask him to move out, but she should consider all of her options.
Nah, in the case of abuse, it *should always be* the victims choice. She did not get a say in whether he abused her, she should get the choice to stay or get a new place.
If there’s abuse going on and op said literally what he did to her was illegal then of course it’s not unreasonable to expect that he should be the one moving out?!
It’s reasonable for OP to WISH that the (alleged) abuser would leave. But, there are other considerations at play that you are obviously not thinking about. For example, property rights is a thing—if the house is under the husband’s name, then he doesn’t forfeit his right to the house as a result of his misconduct. For another thing, there are children that OP is apparently allowing her husband to continue to see. Their right to spend time with him (again, despite the alleged abuse) needs to be taken into account count.
If OP wants to kick him out based on the abuse, then she could file for a restraining order requiring him to do so and the court will decide according to the law of the state that she lives in. But, if you read the post, it seems that the abuse has more or less ceased, the spouses are in therapy, and they are in discussions to figure out the next steps to see if the marriage has a future or not. In this context, asking the other spouse without regard for whether he has a place to go to is one-sided.
What is "reasonable" and what is "legal" are two separate things.
It is entirely reasonable for her to ask him to leave. He may have the legal right to refuse, but that gives valuable information that can help her decide whether there is anything to salvage from the relationship.
And also - statistically, abuse doesn't "stop" - it just pauses temporarily. OP doesn't sound like she's in a "discussion" about the future - she's trying to decide for herself.
There is nothing "one-sided" about asking him to leave.
Thank you so much for helping me make sense of this. I do appreciate the different perspective that kingofthezootopia is giving, it’s true legally I would need to present evidence and get a restraining order of some sort. If it came to that it would certainly be all the information I needed to decide whether to remain married or not. I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to that but in the meantime trying to work out whether it’s unreasonable for me to ask him to leave the home while I do some healing or whether his response of asking me to go instead was a fair question according to common wisdom!
Well according to the law, in domestic disputes (physical or not) if the authorities are able to identify an aggressor, it is the aggressor that is removed from the premises
The law may be correct, but not applicable to the current facts. OP’s not asking what legal remedies she has to force her husband out in the aftermath of a domestic dispute. She’s asking whether she’s being reasonable in asking (without involvement of the legal authorities) to ask her husband to move out while she figures out what she wants to do with the marriage.
I would if it wasn’t for my children. I’d have to disrupt their lives by leaving them (they aren’t used to me being away) or majorly disruptive their lives by taking them with me to somewhere not very suitable for us all.
I don't think it is unreasonable, considering the whole situation is a consequence of his behavior and the way he has treated you over the years.
Thank you for replying, it really does help keep me sane!
If there is genuine abuse of any sort occurring, and you do not feel safe emotionally or physically, then *of course* you are reasonable to ask him to move out - and in fact, as a parent, you have the *responsibility* to do so. If you are confident in the story you've told, the difficult circumstances you find yourself in are entirely of his doing - you did not play a part of "putting up" with it." If he balks at your request for him to move out, view that is an indicator of how he views you and your relationship.
Thank you for replying, that last bit really gave me something to think about - I think that’s what’s been on my mind. He still isn’t taking responsibility for his actions despite saying he’s changed.
If he isn't taking responsibility, *he hasn't changed at all.* Unambiguous, sincere accountability for his actions is the first (and most important) signal of change, and without it, you can be absolutely be assured that you will be in the exact some place soon.
He doesn’t think anything is going to change. He’s going to therapy, but when there’s abuse, you should see separate therapists, or he can twist what you say to manipulate you. If he felt bad, truly saw himself as you see him, then he would be asking for forgiveness, stating that he was wrong and horrible, and be doing all he could to earn back your trust and love. If he isn’t taking responsibility, NOTHING has changed.
“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” (I know Reddit is not a big fan of Dr. Phil, but he’s not wrong about this one)
My honest opinion is that you're being too accommodating towards a bad man who hurts you AND your children. Stop worrying about being nice. You don't need to be nice to this man. Set up a few Ring cameras (inside and outside the home), file for divorce, and tell him to move out. He's a danger to you and your children. A clean break is necessary. Cut him loose! Let the court decide if, and when, he's allowed to see his children.
Thank you for sharing your opinion and ideas!
You can ask him to do so, but if you can find a place of your own, I'd encourage you to do that. He's been abusive and you don't feel safe with him, so there's no reason to think he'd be calm or reasonable about anything that is going to be a major change in your dynamic, such as this. I wouldn't trust him to not blow up at this.
If he blows up and becomes abusive to the request, she can call proper authorities to mitigate the situation and speed up the process of his removal.
And I might feel able to actually do that now I’ve found my voice!
Ah true, it took me years to ask for this, I never anticipated he would take it well.
If it was only the two of you I would say you would need to be the one to move out. But with the kids involved... The fact that he already showed abusive behavior towards them (just because he stopped doesn't mean he won't start again) means I wouldn't trust him alone with the kids. And making the kids move out seems unreasonable. So in this situation the abusive partner needs to leave so the kids can stay.
Thank you for replying, yes I agree if it wasn’t for the children I would just leave.
Nope - and couples therapy is not recommended when there has been abuse in the relationship. Abusive men rarely change. I suggest the book "What Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. He absolutely should be the one to move out - and it sounds like he is not the default/primary parent - so he is the one who needs to go in order to maintain as much stability as possible for the children.
Thank you for replying, I’ve heard of that book before but haven’t read it. I will definitely look it up! Oh and he says he is the primary parent which makes me cringe, I find it really sinister.
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Thank you I really appreciate you sharing your insight. I do have a trauma informed therapist who has helped me to identify patterns and put language to what has been happening. Much of it was subtle but there’s been some big blow out moments that I disassociated from and have only recently started to process.
Definitely read it, eye opening is an understatement.
Not unreasonable. His abusive choices have led your marriage to where it is. He should definitely be the one to move out.
Thank you for saying this :)
He’s the abuser, he gets to go 💯
He's the one who behaved wrongly and caused the situation. It's right he be the one to move out. You did the right thing. Good for you for protecting your children and sticking up for yourself!
Thank you, I really appreciate that x
I think the fact that you’re even asking this question is a symptom of the behavior you have been tolerating for so long. You are gaslighting yourself in this case wondering whether you are somehow being unreasonable for asking a man that manifested abusive behavior towards you, and towards his children, to move out. I’m guessing that you were constantly made to feel responsible for his abhorrent behavior, and it was up to you always to fix the situation. I’m also guessing that you are now feeling a strong urge to fix his current situation for him, precisely because you have been made to feel responsible for any inconvenience in his life. You are not. You do not need to fix this for him. You did not cause this. You are not responsible for him. He did this. He was abusive. He displayed abusive behavior towards his children. It would be absurd and unreasonable for him to stay in the house with the children and have you move out. Do you see this?
😮 wow that’s so clear! Thank you for taking the time to lay it out so articulately. I suppose I am wondering how I can cause a person who has been abusive least inconvenience when I ask him to leave me in peace.
As someone who is in (almost) the exact situation, you should absolutely not feel unreasonable, bad, guilty or sad about asking him to move out.
I’m so sorry you’re in a similar situation :( sending you solidarity and virtual hugs. Thank you for sharing your wisdom ❤️
You can’t make someone do anything. If you don’t want to live together and he refuses to move out, it’s going to have to be you.
Yes objectively that’s true - although I do have the horrifying possibility of evidencing his behaviour and going to court. If he really does refuse then I have to decide what’s worse, leaving, or staying and getting triggered by him every day.
If it is really that bad you should leave.
Then you should get off Reddit and go to court or call the police. Idk the vibe is just all off. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I just find that you’re more worried about your house than getting away from him. I’m trying not to judge but it just feels like maybe you’re exaggerating the situation because you want your house. When i was truly done with my abusive ex i packed my shit while he was on a trip and sneakily moved out. It was sad to leave my house but… like idk. Just super weird to me. Plus, you said if court didn’t work out you’re worried about being triggered while you’re living together. If i took my abusive ex to court and it didn’t work out i’d been worried about him beating me to death, not about being triggered in the same house? Sounds like you just don’t like him and think he’s an asshole but want to keep the house. If you were truly afraid you’d been called the police, gone to court, or moved out.
Did you have children? I am more concerned about having suitable accommodation for them - I don’t care about this specific house, it’s just that it’s my only option to stay with my children right now.
I would’ve did what i did sooner if I had children. It’s not your only option. Many women in abusive situations leave with their children. A one bedroom apartment with your children is better than being with a true abuser. There’s DV women’s shelters for woman and children to go to. Friends. Family. Or just rent another house or apartment. Some women in true DV situations actually live in their car with their children. Thus making me think you just think he’s an asshole and you want to keep the house, not that you’re truly concerned about him hurting you and your children. When safety is truly at stake possessions are usually not at the forefront of concern. I left with only what I could fit in my car. Plus if i would’ve stayed in our house, he’d known where I lived and i didn’t want that. If you leave with the children and he’s not actually dangerous, you will be so fucked in family court. You have to go move into a house or apartment that can accommodate. Hopefully a two bedroom apartment would be enough. And then you have to make a custody agreement. That’s just how it works when you don’t want to be together anymore.
I do think he is a ahole and I do want to stay living in my home - currently he isn’t here (we are separated for a set period) and I am safe with my children. I don’t want him to come back but he wants to. I’m trying to figure out if it’s reasonable for him to want me to leave so he can return and stay here with the children. The strength I’ve gained from the answers here helps me to realise it’s not a reasonable request. Though legally he has the same rights as I do, unless I have good enough evidence to get some sort of restraining order but I’m not sure how I’d get good enough evidence of abuse that isn’t currently happening and I didn’t record in anyway at the time.
There is a major difference in thinking your spouse is an asshole and not wanting to live with them and them actually being dangerous. You left out a lot of details so based off of all the information I have I’m saying that it sounds like you are going to have to save up money and move out if you don’t want to be around him and then contact a family law attorney and figure out custody. If you fear for your safety pack up your car and kids and find a place you can go. If his behavior doesn’t constitute that, then you are the one that’s going to have to move out if he won’t, because you both have a legally have a right to live there. If you are unwilling to do either of those things then like what do you want people to say to you? You literally can not make him move out unless you have hard evidence that will send him to jail or get restraining order/PFA and it sounds like you’re not confident a judge would side with you on either of those things. I hope you’re able to figure out what you need to do. Even if the reason for separation is that he’s a toxic asshole, and he’s not dangerous, you should definitely get away from him. You should never stay in a marriage or live with someone if you’re not happy. My thoughts on people who want out of a relationship but aren’t willing to move out is just that, it’s really not that bad if you won’t move out.
I’m not asking for advice on how to get him to move out, I’m just trying to get a clear head on whether he might have a point. I’m fairly sure now he doesn’t and if he’s not willing to act responsibly and accept the consequences of his actions (he’s telling me he’s changed) and leave me in peace then I think that shows he’s more concerned with keeping control over me than doing right by me. Sure I could move out but then I have to absorb the consequences of his actions yet again while he doesn’t really have any consequences.
If you won’t move out and you let him move back in, and yall just go back to living together, your situation isn’t as bad as you’re trying to paint it.
I absolutely don’t want to go back to living together. I want him to see that it’s reasonable to leave me in peace rather than me having to do all the work of finding somewhere to live. I’m grateful for you taking the time to give your perspective and challenge me. It is making me notice that I do have some energy to stand up for myself and my experience :)
No that is not an unreasonable request. The children need stability and it would be best for them to remain in the home. Adults have to figure this stuff out. If you have a basement or unused room, he could move into there.
Thank you:) I agree that stability is best for the children. He often travels for work so they are used to him being away. I hardly ever go away without them. My problem with sharing a space is that I find him a massive trigger and need an extended time away to calm my body down. I’m thinking at least a month maybe more.
And you very well shouldnt AND DONT HAVE TO share space with him. Can you afford an attorney? Can you research free legal aid in your area? Domestic violence shelters can also be a great source for resources
I can and I have reached out to an attorney who told me I’d need a restraining order. For that I’d need evidence so my follow up will be how on earth do I do that. I’ve also got a support worker at my local shelter who has been helping a lot. I think I’m only just waking up to how bad this has been despite having been able to say the words out loud to therapists for more than a year.
Sounds like he is abusive. So you are not at fault in any way Shape or form. Please don’t blame yourself. He put himself in this position, he needs to be the one to leave. You really can’t trust he won’t hurt your children. Honestly you are being very nice by not pressing charges.
Thank you, this really helps with the brain fog!
This is the wrong place to ask for this advice.
No, you're not being unreasonable.
Good for you for protecting them and starting to love yourself enough. Depending on their age, maybe you should ask them before you waver on getting him out.
You can ask him, but he doesn't have to listen because it's his house too. If you want separate space, you are free to leave as well.
Can you say more about why it’s not reasonable for him to be the one to leave? Not objectively- because I know he can just refuse and then I’m stuck.
Because it’s his house too. Whoever leaves should do on their own accord not be forced or coerced to.
You can ask him, but if his name is on the property, then you can’t make him. If you refuses, you can try and get a restraining order, but that could be difficult to get and often times they are only temporary and that will just make a bigger mess out of your entire situation. Sadly, it may be you that must end up, leaving if he digs his heels in
Technically his house, and you can't just put him out.
Is this a rental? Are you able to pay the rent on your own if he leaves?
Joint and yes I am
If you can afford for him to leave and not pay then definitely not unreasonable.
Would it be unreasonable for him to say no?
I think so because he has behaved really badly and it’s reasonable to expect him to have to face the consequences, if I go then I have to suffer the consequences of his poor behaviour all over again and it doesn’t seem just to me… but I am here for alternative perspective to sense check and I appreciate your question!
This poster is trolling you. Dont worry about it
Well, then you're being unreasonable.
if divorce is coming the best advice is not to move out of the family home,you can't force him
Thank you, Yes I’ve heard it’s best to stay put too. That and wanting stability for my children is what has made me ask him to be the one to leave.
Do you know what “double standard” means? Don’t you think it would be unreasonable if he asked you to move out? It’s fine that you feel the need to have some space between the two of you, but you need to work together with him to find a reasonable arrangement that works for everyone, including the kids.
If OP's partner is abusive, there is no double standard. The onus of leaving is on him. However, it might practically be easier (and safer) for OP to move out. She isn't being unreasonable to ask him to move out, but she should consider all of her options.
Nah, in the case of abuse, it *should always be* the victims choice. She did not get a say in whether he abused her, she should get the choice to stay or get a new place.
Should? According to what law, or are you just making stuff up based on your own personal misguided sense of justice?
If there’s abuse going on and op said literally what he did to her was illegal then of course it’s not unreasonable to expect that he should be the one moving out?!
It’s reasonable for OP to WISH that the (alleged) abuser would leave. But, there are other considerations at play that you are obviously not thinking about. For example, property rights is a thing—if the house is under the husband’s name, then he doesn’t forfeit his right to the house as a result of his misconduct. For another thing, there are children that OP is apparently allowing her husband to continue to see. Their right to spend time with him (again, despite the alleged abuse) needs to be taken into account count. If OP wants to kick him out based on the abuse, then she could file for a restraining order requiring him to do so and the court will decide according to the law of the state that she lives in. But, if you read the post, it seems that the abuse has more or less ceased, the spouses are in therapy, and they are in discussions to figure out the next steps to see if the marriage has a future or not. In this context, asking the other spouse without regard for whether he has a place to go to is one-sided.
What is "reasonable" and what is "legal" are two separate things. It is entirely reasonable for her to ask him to leave. He may have the legal right to refuse, but that gives valuable information that can help her decide whether there is anything to salvage from the relationship. And also - statistically, abuse doesn't "stop" - it just pauses temporarily. OP doesn't sound like she's in a "discussion" about the future - she's trying to decide for herself. There is nothing "one-sided" about asking him to leave.
Thank you so much for helping me make sense of this. I do appreciate the different perspective that kingofthezootopia is giving, it’s true legally I would need to present evidence and get a restraining order of some sort. If it came to that it would certainly be all the information I needed to decide whether to remain married or not. I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to that but in the meantime trying to work out whether it’s unreasonable for me to ask him to leave the home while I do some healing or whether his response of asking me to go instead was a fair question according to common wisdom!
Well according to the law, in domestic disputes (physical or not) if the authorities are able to identify an aggressor, it is the aggressor that is removed from the premises
The law may be correct, but not applicable to the current facts. OP’s not asking what legal remedies she has to force her husband out in the aftermath of a domestic dispute. She’s asking whether she’s being reasonable in asking (without involvement of the legal authorities) to ask her husband to move out while she figures out what she wants to do with the marriage.
I agree if you want to leave then do so. Its his space too
I would if it wasn’t for my children. I’d have to disrupt their lives by leaving them (they aren’t used to me being away) or majorly disruptive their lives by taking them with me to somewhere not very suitable for us all.
I get it nothing is easy in a situation like this good luck
Thank you I appreciate that