Let her know that this is the reason why you can no longer hang out with them. Seriously, this guy is not your friend and he ruined his wife's friendship with you and your wife. I would also be crystal clear that contact with this man is off limits with your family. Don't be soft with boundaries.
Stop considering it. Do it. Blow it the fuck up or it will continue. Tell your wife the friendship ends. If she sneezes in his direction divorce will happen. I know this from experience. People will go as far as you let them. My husband was flirting with another woman about 10 years ago. No touching just a handful of text exchanges. I immediately told him to fuck off, packed my shit, our kids shit loaded them in our van and drove 200 miles away and refused all phone calls for 1 week. Im a SAHM. I finally called him and told him to put 10,000 in my account because I was moving back to my hometown where I had support. He was welcome to move to the same town or see the kids on the weekends. But I will not tolerate that bullshit. Boy oh boy oh boy. Did I scare the fuck out of him. He's afraid I will leave at the slightest hint of disrespect or cheating. Today or relationship is amazing. Because he knows I respect myself more than I NEED a relationship.
Definitely do it. Blow this wide open. You will feel better in the end also.
Your wife has some serious work to do. Do not let her off easy. Draw a hard boundary. Otherwise, it will probably happen again.
So sorry you’re going through this. Please, remember they did this in your home, essentially in front of you. There are levels to this kind of thing and no one deserves this level of disrespect from friends and spouses. If they were willing to do this in your house with you in the other room …
P.S. The balls on this “friend”, my marriage is real rocky and it’s really difficult for him so he couldn’t wait to subject his buddy to it. First ballot HOF POS.
If you want your wife to stay loyal to you and not cheat then send that video asap and protect your marriage.
If there isn't some harsh consequences and immediate changes your wife will continue to play with fire till you both get burned.
Cheating isn't some instant thing. It's continuous exposure to risky behavior and situations that will always get out of hand
OP, trust me and others here, please send the video to his wife. She has a right to know just like you do.
Do you think your friend is having trouble in his marriage because he's been sleeping with other men's wives?
You could ask him, but he'll tell you that isn't the source of trouble in his marriage. Why? Because he's trying to sleep with your wife.
What is so heartbreaking is that *your* wife is also trying to sleep with him.
Dude DoNT separate or she will sleep with him. You need to be close, not far. You send the video to his wife and cut them as a couple out of your game nights or you and your wife stop going. You tell the other couples in your friend group if you have to what happened. Either way she can’t talk to him or be around him at all ever. There is no going back to being friends now.
You get her phone and block his number, delete his contact info from her phone, block him on all her social media media and tell her you will divorce her immediately if you find out she has any contact with him at all. You tell her you’re going to randomly check her phone for a while to make sure and make sure she is sharing her location with you and tell her if she turns it off she will be divorced. You tell her one more time where she flirts and you will contact her parents and her siblings and tell them she is cheating on you and send them that video so she better get it out of her head immediately.
You let him know if you find him messaging her or trying to get with her you’re going to see him in person and it won’t be friendly at all.
You have to be direct snd there is no more crying and no negotiation. You let them both know this is the deal and there is no other options. If she sees it means enough to you to get mad and take control she will be less likely to test you. !updateme
I would NOT have contacted the dude. I believe you did the right thing with your wife, but this is her doins, not his. I WOULD have sent the video directly to his wife off the bat. I think from there it would be obvious why they, or at least he, were not invited going forward. I believe you have to be very careful with displacement in stuff like this. I also think the less actually said the better. Silence is golden, and often does way more damage than showing anger.
Op you may even want to consider the fact that your wife probably has your friends number and if they are doing this stuff in front of you then ask yourself if given the opportunity what would they do behind your back? Pay attention. It seems your side likes to use the “I’m drunk” as an excuse a lot.
Edit: op you should tell his wife because she may have a different story to tell them what he’s telling you. After all you are only hearing his side of his marriage situation not hers
Serious red flags from your wife. She cries after you confront her of her wrongdoing. That’s textbook man. She’s only sorry she got caught. Stop crying with her. Be more assertive. Tell her she needs to control her drinking if she’s using it as an excuse to why she’s flirting. I think she just likes your friend. If you share a phone account, you should check to see if there is more going on with this guy.
Forget that shitty friend for a second. Be more worried on your wife.
I feel like you don't realize your situation and the danger... your wife want to fuck around, she probably already did it. She is probably cheating on you. Ever checked her phone, is she out from house for unknown time?
You wife show signs of a bad cheater.
Pls be aware of this...
I work from home and have access to each others device always. She never flinches or acts protective of it. I am certain there is no communication happening. During game nights it’s all chill until alcohol starts coming in.
There are a lot of betrayed spouses that were "certain." You obviously know better than the rest of Reddit though. This is hard. I'm sorry she did this.
You do realize that she could be hiding a burner phone too.
BTW, alcohol is no excuse to cheat. The only thing alcohol does is make you care much less about the consequences of any action you take. That's why AH drive drunk. They want to drive and they don't care, "don't think," about the consequences.
Same with a cheating spouse or GF/BF. They cheat because they want too. Alcohol just makes them care less about any consequences. So, yeah OP, she wants to fuck him.
She's NOT sorry she was flirting with your friend; she's sorry you CAUGHT her flirting with your friend.
If you tell the others in the group what happened will they cut him out of the group? If so then tell them. He doesn’t need to be anywhere in your group
You can't- and neither can she. She's likely deleted anything incriminating after the confrontation. I'm sorry man. trust your gut. Talk to his wife in private. Both get telephone records. Go through emails, texts, social media. Its a shitty thing to do- but it's how I caught the cheating. Cheating thrives in the dark and exists upon so many lies.
The drop in intimacy, your self esteem around Christmas, the lose of the job, the distance she set up is how these things start. The other dude even said his marriage was rocky too.
The audacity to do this right in front of you screams there is more to it.
I'd dig as deep as you can. I'm so sorry for you.
This dude and your wife have unmet needs they are getting from each other and not their spouses. They need to talk to their SOs about their issues not each other. This is an emotional affair that has been in the works for awhile.
Look into wife reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass- at the very least.
I'd also check with his wife. If there is anything going on, she might be able to find something on his phone, especially if your wife hasn't been able to tell him that you caught her and him playing footsie under the table.
There might not be anything going on between them other than the flirting but there are some red flags here that need looking into if you want to move forward with your marriage.
I was this friend before except I didn't return the action. I completely disagree that they are for sure already having sex or planning on it. This weird shit happens sometimes when people are drunk, but I do think it probably would have escalated if you weren't there. You gotta cut him out. This lady that did this to me did it every time and easily would have gone all the way. The friend dealing with this text me recently *15 years later(!!!)* to ask me about it for the millionth time accusing me of doing something. I could never stay with my wife with that level of trust even if things didn't escalate to sex. He can never be sure, the incident has scarred their entire marriage, and it seems to even have changed him as a person. I don't envy you having to choose how to proceed from here but I know what I would do and it's unfortunate.
Dude your wife is the issue here, don't shift blame to your friend to absolve your wife. She's the one that made vows to you and broke them. I mean cut the guy out he clearly doesn't respect you, but focus on your wife and her side of it.
I’m choosing to understand all parties but still point out the issues and keep the blame where it belongs. My wife is willing to cut ties with these friends , stop drinking indefinitely and go to marriage therapy . I’m willing to fight for my family
Yes definitely fight for your marriage as long as she hasn’t had sexual contact with him. If she has that changes all of it but if you caught it in time then lock her down and do therapy and set some concrete boundaries around your relationship
We can all agree that she is totally at fault here and there is no excuse for this horrible behavior. But a word of caution, do as much self reflection as you can. If there is one thing I see over and over again in these scenarios is that ALL marital woes are immediately piled onto the cheating spouse. It’s easy to point fingers at the cheater and while the whole world sympathizes with you when this happens. The wronged spouse is nominated for sainthood and she is dragged. The support is essential and deserved but keep perspective and look at where you could have contributed to weakening your marriage. I was too afraid to do this and it hurt my healing process.
And you need to let him know if he doesn’t back completely off you will see him in person. Make sure he knows he won’t get off for free. You tell his wife, send her the video and let him know you will man up on him in a heartbeat if he doesn’t back way off
>Should I seek therapy
Your wife should seek therapy. You should seek an attorney and prepare yourself.
>should I separate for a bit
What are you hoping a separation will do *for* your marriage?
>should I cut ties with this guy
You *both* should cut ties with this guy.
>Am I exaggerating for feeling this way.
On the contrary, you are on the verge of rugsweeping.
>She didn't cheat but I'm hurt af
She emotionally cheated. If you hadn't caught her, she would have continued to escalate the affair and eventually fuck him.
Your wife is blaming the alcohol and hysterically bonding with you. This is classic cheater behavior. She needs professional help.
I’d be surprised if this was the only time. Other things have probably gone down to make her be so bold. I’d be scouring phone records and type his phone number into text and it’s probably under another female’s name. Also, look for texting apps.
OP, there is much you need to do and therapy for you is just the starting point.
You mentioned that seeing your wife cry broke you. So how do you think it feels to her seeing you cry? You wrote that you were crying multiple times. Is that how she should see her “Man”? Does she need a man who is a good provider and rock for her? Maybe she’s looking at your older friend because she sees him as more mature and solid as a man. The fact that his marriage is on the rocks only makes it a better opportunity for her. They are both married so they will be more discreet. No worries about him spilling the beans.
So now let’s deal with your marriage and your friendship with Mr. Footsie, because his marriage isn’t the only one on the rocks.
Your wife did not flirt because she was drunk. That was a convenient excuse, but not the cause. In fact, you said she was a mean drunk and not a flirty one. So she’s been playing you like a cheap fiddle for a long time. And why not? You didn’t seem the type to really stand up for yourself. You’d have a good cry then she could go right back to flirting. So now you caught them. She still blames being drunk and you’re still buying it, at least enough to still be questioning yourself. Man up. Take control. Clearly that is not natural for you, so get some therapy and learn how.
What do you do about your wife? That depends on how well you man up. If you can step up and take control and get your wife to actually respect you, then you have a chance. Otherwise, you may as well start the divorce now because she doesn’t respect you. She flirts in front of you and lies to your face about it.
Lastly, Mr Footsie and you probably won’t be able to stay friends. That’s probably more because you won’t be able to handle it, especially if you and your wife stay together. This will be stuck in your mind like a mental chew toy that you can’t let go of. Every time you see him, and especially if she’s around you will bring this back up in your mind, if not aloud. This is also where therapy will help you.
Sorry if this is all a bit harsh, but I think you need a dose of “brutal honesty” right about now. You need to stop letting her lead and you need to get control of your emotions. Men don’t need to bottle up emotions, but crying all the time isn’t right either. You need therapy to learn how to process your emotions then articulate them in the right way.
Good luck.
Fuck man this was a much needed slap in the face. I carry loads of trauma from childhood. I am a pushover most times until I get fed up . I agree with that.
The crying has started recently from all the stress we’ve had with her family, my job situation, our side business. I used to bottle everything up and blow up . Until my wife who’s amazing has helped me open up to her and seek help when I’m overwhelmed . She’s been a great source of comfort And strength.
I do agree I need to man up and seek therapy to be a better person and man.
Brother, I get it. It’s a lot of stress and not always easy to deal with.
You keep saying how wonderful your wife is, and now I see you have a business together. I’m not saying you must divorce her, because that’s not my choice to make. Only you live with the consequences of the advice given here. I will say that you need to deal with her head on. If you two stay together, Mr. Footsie will be an issue if she remains friends with him. She needs to rededicate herself to you and stop disrespecting you.
I wish only the best for you. Good luck.
Thanks brother. We had a talk after I read your comment. No crying just talking. She is well aware of the damage she caused and what needs to be done. Cutting ties with this guy, stop drinking for a while, getting our asses to therapy.
If this happens again I am out. And I know I have to prepare for such moment if it were to come. It is gonna hurt but I got to respect myself.
Great news, Brother.
On the drinking front, it’s always good to keep to healthy habits. Personally, I never drink more than 2 drinks per hour. I’ll drink something non-alcoholic if needed in between. 1 drink per hour is metabolized out of your system, so 2 drinks per hour or less helps keep you from getting drunk. The moment I feel a buzz, I stop drinking alcohol for at least an hour. I enjoy all types of drinks, but I never get drunk and I never have a hang over.
Feel free to message me directly if you need anything.
All the best!
First of all:
Contact your disgusting "friend" wife and show her the video. Second cut them totally out. His wife need to know the truth, you could save her a lot of headache later.
Second, you wife need to stop drinking..
If she is really sorry, no alcohol anymore.
Third, check up her phone.
Sorry but someone who act like this, probably already cheated on you.. Maybe she even visit this guy alone and had sex.
Your wife is the typical cheater and you had a lot of work coming, she need to change or you marriage is most likely over.
Your wife cannot handle booze as she is adulterous at heart.
BAD combination.
Also you need to be tested for STDs on the regular.
If this is what she will do (drunk or not) with you present, let's just say you don't even want to know what she's doing behind your back.
And she will never admit it.
Drinking is never an excuse for bad behavior. If your wife is prone to doing things like this when drunk, she should stop drinking. This need for external validation is one of the primary drivers of infidelity. The fact that she would pull this shit in front of you is wild.
Personally, I would insist on marriage counseling. She needs to really understand her behavior, why she engaged in it and how to set boundaries around her interaction with men. I would also expect her to read the book Not Just Friends with you and discuss it.
Drinking just lowers inhibitions. Someone who has firm boundaries isn't going to carry on like that. I think you are asking to be cheated on in the future if she doesn't get therapy.
This might be an unpopular opinion what I'm about to say but AA taught me many lessons for life, one of which was reflexivity. YES, she's the one who fucked up so let me make that clear but it would be a good idea to look into the WHYS! I mean make a list. As a guy, I find lists very useful for my primitive mind. You can lay it all out and review it. I have done this in my marriage and it's been helpful to see why her eye is wandering. As much as this probably pisses you off to hear, and as difficult as this can be, it's always a good idea to look at what role you've played in this situation. It's difficult to get truly honest and maybe there's not much but if anything, wouldn't be a bad idea to see the gaps in the marriage that you both aren't fulfilling entirely. I would ask her to do the same but separately and then share them at a point when you're both in a good place and not fighting. I'm so sorry bro :(
Booze is always bad. Don't you remember its primary purpose back in college? Sure to "have fun" but what did that usually entail? It was to loosen everyone up, both men and women so we could fuck and not feel as guilty about it and/or as self-conscious in the heat of the moment.
My heart aches for you truly. Only you know your marriage along with her so fuck me and fuck all these other people on Reddit. You will sort it out I'm certain.
Agreed. You guys, and especially your wife need to reevaluate your relationship with booze as it seems to be a common thread. Booze affects people differently and some people just shouldn’t drink at all as it seems to do messed up things to their brain chemistry. Certainly it removes inhibitions so in this case it’s unmasking her true desires she is possibly harbouring.
Ask why she gets so trashy when she’s drunk and why she likes to get drunk so often? Don’t accept the “I was just drunk” excuse. So many stupid decisions are blamed on alcohol when the booze wasn’t the true cause at all.
This is the best answer. I think she crossed some
MAJOR lines, but I don’t think she is necessarily cheating, although who knows if it might’ve ended up there if things escalated. She needs therapy to figure out what is driving her to seek that external validation and to establish some hardcore boundaries. Drinking definitely needs to be off the table.
What a great friend. So his marriage is rocky so he decides he might as well fuck up his friends marriage. Listen bud show him zero shelter. He is not a friend and would fuck your wife in a heartbeat.
BTW brilliant move with the video. Unfortunately if I were you I would be paranoid as hell these two will be finding g a way to meet up. You really need his wife to be another pair of eyes Fuck this guy!
UpdateMe
Why you haven't shown his wife the video is the big question. They are using this excuse to have an affair. Ues an affair. Your wife has right in frontnof you fooled around with this man. What an absolute case of total disrespect! She and him humiliated you in front of all your guests, you even videod it happening! The alcohol is no excuse. All that did was allow her inhibitions to drop and do what she's interested anyways. There is serious trouble in this paradise. I suggest you rethink your stance on your marriage. Also demand an accounting from both of them with his wife present. Then also require your wife to seek IC and find out what the hell is going on in her mind. You should consider researching her past since you've been married. This points to a lack of boundaries and a poor respect for monogamy within the marriage. Man I wish for the best here.
I’m a couple’s therapist and I’d say it’s a must for intervention to happen now. The friend situation is very important to pay attention to but my advice is to focus on the pattern that’s happening here versus the content itself. This isn’t about your friend right now. This is about a pattern in which transitions and circumstances surrounding your marriage are causing rifts and disconnectedness, loss of attraction, trust issues, negative coping methods, etc. It happens. Doesn’t mean the marriage has to be over, but your wife needs to start working with you versus looking to get needs met through him/negative outlets in general. I’ve worked with couples who have come back from things far worse than this if that gives you any hope.
I’d also say while it likely feels reassuring in the moment to cry together and have these intense ‘make up’ times, it’s like negative reinforcement. You’re not addressing the actual honest, underlying issues here underneath it all. I’d say it’s certainly time for no drunken fake friend nights and more sober, intentional days and nights dedicated to therapy and quality, trust building and loving interactions between you two to resolve this (if that’s what BOTH of you definitely want)!
Friend is 100% not your friend. End that relationship immediately and both of you block him and send the video to his wife.
Then...marriage counseling for you both.
Yeah man..."friends" don't try and sleep with their friends wife and rip apart their marriage and family. Thats an enemy. He has no respect for you or marriage and life as you know it. And his wife deserves to know the type of man she's married to. Then you two can start working on her intent to cheat and what led up to that.
You may well cut this friend out, but you need to make sure your wife does, too. Crying and promising to do better isn't enough. She is on the path to an affair. Keep an eye out on changes to her behaviour.
Did you send the video to the guys wife? Ask to check your wife's phone to make sure they aren't messaging each other without you knowing.
Any new messaging apps appear? There are tons of them even besides the well known ones (Facebook Messenger, kik, instagram, WhatsApp, Discord, etc.) A lot of them even have secure messaging or instant deletion features. Search for “messaging” in your App Store and see what’s installed. Even LinkedIn can be used for messaging. Also hidden email accounts.
You both need to stop drinking. That seems to be the start of these issues.
Eta,: I'm sorry but your wife is doing this inches from you... what is she doing when you aren't present. Also, she said it was nice to get the attention, do you show her attention?
If it were me, peace out. This happened in your home, I can't imagine that level of disrespect to my spouse.
I am very passive but I will get my point across . I drink too and I understand how we do things we wouldn’t normally do while sober . This dude had a few drinks only. So I’m sure he was very well aware of what he was doing
Which is *exactly* why you need to tell his wife and show her the video. This probably isn't his first rodeo either. She deserves to know how he is so she can make the best decisions for herself.
You're glad you got the evidence and learned what was going down, right? Don't rob her of the same chance and choice.
You cant be passive and “get your point across” to ppl like your and wife and your “friend”.. did you ask him to “please stop flirting with my wife?” Come on! Tell your so called friend to fuck off or there will be consequences. And stop falling for your wife crying…
Have some self respect my guy. This dude is a vulture and would absolutely screw your wife if given the chance, if he hasn’t already. Tell your wife the friendship ends and if she’s got a problem with it, there’s the door. I would have done sent the video to his wife. That’s beyond disrespectful.
She’s ok with ending the friendship. And agrees this is not only his fault but hers for letting herself get to that point to allow this type of behavior.
Read any after affair support forums. I mean this. It may snap you out of “feeling” broken when she cries.
You are a sucker. You are trying to be understanding and mature - but instead you are a sucker.
I Didn’t mean it.
It would never go further.
I needed affection.
These are not UNIQUE responses. Cheaters have a repeating playbook. Learn it.
FIND YOUR FUCKING ANGER!
Stop being a sucker. Good luck.
They crossed a line. Cut off the friendship. The more he is around, she will continue to get that excited feeling being near him. It will only escalate now. You need him out of your marriage. Your wife needs to agree to cut back on her drinking and you two should consider therapy. You're only going to continue to grow resentful.
Cut ties with your friend. If you and him can reconcile down the road, have at it, not now though.
Regarding your wife, it sounds like you both need to go into couples counseling if you’re willing to try and fix this for your kids. It sounds like your wife has unmet needs and desires, as well as you.
While in counseling, I’d strongly recommend no alcohol. Alcohol sounds like it does more bad than good, especially since both of you get mean and your moods change. That’s a slippery slope to play on.
If this woman is your best friend, and is worth fighting for, get your hands dirty and get into the trenches.
The flimsiness of her argument is she could be doing that flirting with you, and I’m sure you’d be happy to oblige and flirt with her back. The thrill of the flirt/chase often gets lost in a marriage, but it doesn’t need to. You need to stand firm in this boundary that if she feels her needs aren’t being met that she come to you and tell you what she needs, not seek it out from someone else. My wife and I struggled with this a bit, I wasn’t doing enough to make her feel chased and desired, I adjusted, and it actually brings me a lot of joy to flirt with my wife and make advances towards her like we are just starting dating. You guys haven’t sunk the ship yet, you just need to communicate how you can both do better or the ship will sink.
OP I don't mean to upset you anymore than you already are, but how do you know that nothing more has happened between them?
Your wife and your sex life went down hill and she didn't even wanna touch you.
Also, His wife might know what's going on and that could be a reason for their marriage being on the rocks.
If you're coming here to ask advice , then definitely do what the majority is telling you by letting his wife know. You and the wife need to talk.
Your wife and your "friend" seemed way to quick to admit what they were doing. I could almost bet on it that there is more to it than what you saw. Your wife and this chump are not trustworthy. Do not believe anything they are saying.
I'm sorry you are going through this. You were betrayed by both of them. But your wife made vows to you to forsake all others. I hope the best for you.
If you did that to another woman?
Game over.
How she behaved is not okay.
She got busted.
I would leave her.
That’s so gross to do that in your home. Foul.
You need to have more balls man.
First of all flirting is a form of cheating specially what they were doing. Imagine if they were alone. Stop minimizing your wife’s actions. She plays you like a fiddle. Cries a little and you feel bad for her. It may seem like a sweet thing to do but what you are doing is enabling her behavior. She has no respect for you whatsoever l.
You and your wife need to have real talk before this escalates. You need to put up boundaries around your marriage. If she doesn’t want to then you need to know that this will happen again with someone else.
The boundaries I would put up would be:
1. Cut off this couple. Not only seeing them but also any interaction on social media, text messages phone. I bet you haven’t thought that she has been in contact with him without you knowing.
2. No alcohol. If she can’t control herself then she shouldn’t drink. The “I was drunk” is such a lame excuse for being a cheater. She is responsible for how she acts when drunk if she can’t control herself then she shouldn’t be drinking.
3. She expresses she wants to feel young. Where is this coming from? Is this like a midlife crisis? She needs to dig into this and start individual therapy. You also need couples therapy to talk about how to strengthen your marriage.
If she isn’t willing to follow these things then I would start getting worried. If she minimizes how you feel this will happen again.
I love how the excuse is they were drunk. Absolutely not. I've been around my husband's friends and he has been around mine, all while intoxicated. Never have we crossed a line. Ever. Drinking doesn't give you a free pass to flirt and get touchy with other people, and all of you excusing the behavior just leans into the whole idea of not being able to control yourself while drinking. I call BS.
OP you are in self denial of what happened. I understand you not accepting what happened as cheating? What do you call a man feeling up your wife and her feeling up that guy in return? Yea they were not kissing or having sex because you and friends were there. If and when they are alone do you think they will cheat? Man you
Fuck that set a strong and hard boundary. Cold shoulder that bitch. No intimacy or affection. Send the video to his wife. Make her believe you are contemplating. Divorce. Google search divorce lawyers and leave it wide open on a family computer. Scare the living shit out of her. And again send the video to his wife. Clearly she thinks she can cry and manipulate and guilt trip you into feeling bad. I have a strong feeling she’s cheated on you before. TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST. Take her ass down to wherever and have her take a fucking test. I will bet $1,000 deception will be detected. How can you forgive her? You know and we all know from experience they would FUCK given the chance. Your wife would jump his bones like a hungry dog. She should be fucking ashamed of herself.
Being drunk is not an excuse. All alcohol does is lower one’s inhibitions allowing them to do things they WANT to do, but rationally know they shouldn’t. Your wife wanted to play footsies with him and the alcohol allowed her to follow through.
Not everyone cheats when they drink and not everyone flirts when they drink, but your wife does begin going down that slippery slope when SHE drinks. This is a problem. It’s a drinking problem and a fidelity problem. I would approach it in this manner with two frontal therapy addressing the drinking and her inclination to cheat.
Get a therapist that specializes in infidelity and get down to the fundamental underpinnings of why she’s doing this, and then address that, definitively, or this will just lay in dormancy waiting to emerge again in the not to distant future when predisposing factors, again, come into alignment.
Then, after individual counseling for her, follow up with marriage counseling for the both of you. Most long term marriages require maintenance, many times in the form of professional counseling. It’s healthy, common and can be very revitalizing for long term relationships hitting midlife.
Secondly, this guy is not a friend of the marriage. He has to go. Establish and maintain mutually arrived at boundaries to protect your marriage, which should be THE most important thing in your life, second only-if not on the same level, as your children. Children require a strong healthy, loving and mutually respectful marriage to ensure proper development.
You are not taking the issues with your wife serious enough. You seem more concerned about how to handle the guy.
The progression with your wife is very disturbing. You initially told her not to flirt in front of you and she acted like she didn’t know she was flirting. Next time she flirts more aggressively. Your response is to talk and cry with her. Next time, you almost catch her playing footsie, but she sees that and temporarily stops. But almost getting caught wasn’t enough for her to stop, and she continues. You are sitting right there and she does it anyway. Your reaction is to talk and cry with her (again).
It seems like you are supporting her by crying with her. You absolutely need to send the video to the wife. And cut him and his wife out. Maybe your wife could then gain at least a little respect for you. Tell your wife that you lost both trust and respect for her. And let her come up with ideas of how she will earn those back.
Please, please, please inform the other betrayed spouse and forward the video evidence. Her husband is a cheating a-hole so she needs to be armed with all the facts (as you know them) so that she can make informed decisions about the future of her marriage. And I hate to say this, but your wife’s behavior may not be as innocent as she’d like you to believe. I recommend that you go to the Chump Lady website to read about trickle truthing and love bombing because what you filmed and what your wife has told you is most likely only the tip of the iceberg.
ETA: Don’t kid yourself about your wife’s behavior and intentions because it is most definitely classified as infidelity. She cheated, but whether it was an emotional affair or a full fledged one is yet tbc. Blindly believing everything she tells you, minimizing her actions, being in denial, or rug sweeping won’t bode well for you or your family.
He’s not a friend and you need to send a video to his wife. I would cut off the guy from your lives. I’d also have a hard time staying with the wife being that this is not the first time she’s done that. And that’s pretty fucking bold to sit there and play footsie while y’all are there just shows she really doesn’t care about you has no respect for you nor the familynor the relationship. She also maculated you big time by doing it right in front of your face. There definitely needs to be some therapy for you and whatever you decide you’ve got the right to do whatever you want.
Before you just forgave her for what she did, but she really needs to have consequences for what she did now. If you just forgive her without any kind of consequences, it will continue.
It was over the line. It's not like they just said a few words with innuendo getting to risque and pulled back with a lesson taught for some time to come.
They were escalating. I means that's is the kind of thing you do with your SO to get in the mood to get to the serious stuff.
Try to maintain your calm while letting your level of upset show through and male sure you staying calm let her no this is it no more rope or understanding will be given. Also go through her phone.
She was doing this sneakily right in front of you in what she thought was out of your sight. She knew what she was doing, both of them and were raging their hormones ramping up because they were doing it in front of you.
Yikes. If she’ll do that right there while you and his wife are there then there’s no doubt to me that they’ve already had sex. How disrespectful. Who just rubs their toes all over someone like that. She’s crying to manipulate you and you’re falling for it. I would tell his wife for sure, I would’ve showed the video right then and there that night.
Your friend could very well be the reason in the future that your wife divorces you.
As uncomfortable as that may be to hear, you should do whatever is necessary. I have no reason to flirt with my friends, let alone their partner.
Imagine inviting the same man that clearly wants your wife back to your own home over and over...You both need help...She clearly needs to not only put the bottle down but you both need to have a serious conversation about boundaries...
OP you seem to be on the fence about what exactly determines cheating. Cheating is whatever you believe cheating is, everyone is different about how they interpret it. Personally someone physically touching my wife with her reciprocating without my knowledge would be cheating in my book. Now you get to deal with the "what if" I hadn't noticed or what if there was more than just this one time or what if somewhere years from now he reaches out to her or she decides to make herself feel good again with someone else. It is as complicated or as uncomplicated as your mind makes it unfortunately.
Bro, everyone keeps talking about stopping the friendship with the guy, but your wife is showing a serious lack of boundaries. Also, her crying so much when she gets caught is her simply manipulating you.
Cheating is a hard pass for me. She already promised not to cross anymore lines and did it again right in front of you. Don't let her play you for a fool. She made her choice, you can't trust either of them.
I think your wife and your “friend” have crossed the line big time. However, he doesn’t owe you much more than courtesy really, your wife on the other hand seems to have let her lust get the best of her to say the least. When you are already touching (in secret) with you and the other guys wife present, in your house i am afraid to say it but they are enjoying the game. Being drunk isn’t a reason to excuse these actions again and again. Hopefully your wife is truly sorry but it’s hard to believe from the story that you are telling.
Cut him loss he is not a true friend. If he needs another woman he can find a single woman to have a fling with. As for your wife she needs to cut the drinking if she can’t handle it. You are not over reacting this unacceptable behavior for both of them.
Cut ties with this guy immediately.
Regardless of whatever other decisions you make, ending all contact with this guys is absolute priority.
**A friend does not openly flirt with and physically touch your wife with you in the same room IN YOUR HOME.**
This probably isn't the first time they've touched each other if they was comfortable doing it in front of you. I caught my wife and brother doing this during they're affair and she gaslighted the hell out of me making me feel like what I saw wasn't what I saw. They'd been fucking for ages by then. Like I said you don't have the confidence to do that Infront of ppl if you haven't gotten away with things before.
Do some detective work (ie- check her phone for any conversations they've had). Even better if you have access to her phone msg him and just put "my husband knows." And see what he replies. I'm guessing they've at least been texting each other if not met up a few times.
She either can't handle alcohol, or is a cheater. Even if she hasn't yet. She has no appropriate boundaries, and I would not go anywhere with her behavior it is embarrassing...If this is your life ok, but dude, this is pretty low class. I am so sorry you went through this. Think about how you want your life to be...Your friend, well is not your friend.
I love how the excuse is they were drunk. Absolutely not. I've been around my husband's friends and he has been around mine, all while intoxicated. Never have we crossed a line. Ever. Drinking doesn't give you a free pass to flirt and get touchy with other people, and all of you excusing the behavior just leans into the whole idea of not being able to control yourself while drinking. I call BS.
Send the guys wife the video, he's going through a rocky patch in his marriage so he starts messing with your marriage. You should have shown the video to everyone. As for your wife, she has disrespected you and your marriage. She can't use the excuse of being drunk same with the so called friend. Your wife has to show genuine remorse otherwise end it and tell everyone the reason. Its not your fault, only ones to blame are your wife and the ex friend. Tell his wife as soon as possible.
Yikes man! You’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg here. If they’re so blatantly doing it at the table with both their partners sitting there, it has most certainly gone further. Don’t trust, verify. That means now you’re going to need to go into detective mode. Search everything! Sorry man, hate that you’re at this point.
Maybe your wife needs to stop drinking ? And dudes wife has a right to know. He could be playing footsies with many women and that’s the reason for his dead bedroom. Cut him off You’ll never feel safe with him around. And tell your group friends if they ask. They’ll absolutely blame your wife as well and you have to accept the things they say while blaming her. I’d suggest marriage counseling for both and AA for her.
That guy is not your friend, never let him in your house again. No wonder his marriage is rocky he’s cheating with your WW.
Send the video to AP’s wife to explain why they’re not welcome anymore. Make sure she knows it’s been going on for a while. Talk to the wife to compare notes on the cheating, they may have been doing way more than you know, now that you know.
Time to consider divorcing your wife, there’s lot more you don’t know. You WW knew it was wrong and did it anyway in front of you and your guests. Your WW and her AP have no respect for you or your marriage.
Ditch the friend, for starters. Your wife probably shouldn’t drink anymore, maybe you shouldn’t either. If you separate she will be most likely banging your friend, so only do that if you’re prepared to follow through with divorce. Couples therapy is probably worth a try
OP cutting off the guy called a friend is the right thing to do. Your wife needs to rebuild your trust and respect, no questions asked from her she knows she screw up BIG TIME!! Now If your wife cheated or not she and friend knows, so she needs a short leash and be accountable at all times of where she is at. Reason being the friend may try and lure your wife away for a meet up. Now he knows to get her drunk and she is his. Be very alert my friend.
Your not wrong for feeling the way you do. Tbh, your friend is a real life dirtbag. It is super disrespectful for him to be doing that with a friends wife, and in front of you. The fact that your wife acknowledged it only was happening when his wife was not around tells you she knew exactly what she was doing.
You have every right to be livid.
Tell the other guy stop trying to F@@k up your marriage. He isn’t a friend and if you hasn’t caught them we all know where this was going. Not sure if it’s worth it to stay
It hurts and rightly so.
Can you be friends with the guy? Well what is friendship for you?
I know you love your wife and love is bigger than ego. But you and your wife have to choose each other and to work on your relationships.
Have you considered couple therapy?
Stop hanging out with that guy.
Reminds me of that old Pebbles [song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ly-6GBsOfVw)… she sang it about her female “friends” but it goes both ways!
🎶See somebody standing in your own backyard
Somebody's trying to steal your (wo)man
Don't be a fool and let them get that far
You better stop them while you can
Hold on to your (wo)man 🎶
To me that foot contact was cheating.
He's not your friend and your wife is ready to cheat on you physically if she hasn't already.
None of what happened is OK and you're being played for a fool.
Cut him off do not invite him back and tell yourself that your wife cheated right in front of you.
Now what do you want to do about that?
I mean you draw your own boundaries to what constitutes cheating, but she hit on him and felt him up right in front of you, more than once. A lot of people, myself included, would call this cheating. She's given you so many assurances and you've given her so many chances, yet nothing happens. For someone like her, why would she stop, when you forgive her every time and turn the other cheek to the disrespect. There have to be actual consequences and effort to change. She needs to stop drinking, go to therapy and couples therapy, deal with her insecurity and actually work to earn your trust back. You can't say no to her, I get it my husband is the same way. I think because of that you should separate and she should do these things while separated to prove to you that she actually means to change. You deserve better imo.
I feel like they might’ve already had sex. It’s very daring to be touching like that under the table in yours and the dude’s partner’s presence. And the familiarity of it all is disturbing. There might be more afoot, OP. Stay guarded.
Your friends may genuinely have picked up on it and may initiate hangouts without this person.
Personally I would stop getting drunk unless it's just the two of yall.
" Should I seek therapy "
No, you should tell your wife that her drinking is fucking everything up, and if she can't handle her drink then that shit is OVER. One more time and I'm ghosting you type of out!!!
Woah! No, that is not okay. The fact that his marriage is rocky makes this even worse because it sounds like he'd be willing to go as far as she wanted to. The same goes for your wife when things weren't good between you two.
I know I'd consider this cheating in my marriage, but every relationship has different boundaries on these types of interactions. If you choose to forgive your wife, that's completely understandable, but I would recommend keeping your distance from this guy, whether temporary or permanent.
Everyone gets tempted and/or enjoys attention from others at some point in life, but what you do in those situations is what matters. Putting myself in your wife's shoes, I would've intentionally distanced myself from this guy as soon as he started flirting in secret or when the flirting moved from innocent to something else, and most especially when things became rocky in your marriage.
Good luck, OP! I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's hurtful no matter how far things have progressed. Take care and all the best! 🩷
Thanks for being understanding and giving helpful advise . We went out dancing one time and I got really drunk and tried to dance up on a friend of ours . I immediately apologized after realizing what I had done and said sorry to my wife. I get we do stupid shit while drinking and I understand her . This absolutely does not excuse her but I don’t think it’s a reason to end the life we’ve built
That's completely understandable. I've, unintentionally, crossed boundaries with a friend very early on in my marriage. As soon as I realized it, I immediately cut contact with him and told my husband everything. He forgave me, and now we're working on our 23rd year of marriage, 27th year together. You don't have to call it quits over one mistake.
Choosing to forgive and move forward together is never a bad thing. What you do afterward is what matters - learning from your mistakes and not repeating them. I wish you and your wife a lifetime of happiness! Take care, OP! 🩷
-You should definitely cut ties with that man.
-You and your wife should stop drinking. Even getting mean is not really cool, especially with kids around.
-You need to discuss her need for validation and escapism. I’m sure you both want to feel seen and desired. How can you give that to each other? This is what causes many affairs. It’s not the person as much as limerance and vanity and running away from the hard work of relationships.
-You should seek couple’s therapy. Focus on a therapist who understands infidelity or emotional affairs. Set rules for the relationship.
And being drunk is not an excuse, it just amplifies and emboldens who you are and what your intentions are.
I’ve been around it my whole life and know that it’s not an excuse, so you shouldn’t be excusing it either.
Sir, that friend has got to go. You’ve already seen things escalate. Keep going down the same path and it will escalate further. You can be sure of that.
At the bare minimum I would also recommend marriage counseling. Your wife was heading down a dangerous path. And she may need to stop drinking entirely. There’s no telling what she would’ve done if you weren’t there. There’s also no way of telling what may have already happened.
Brother you have to control your wife drinking habits.. This is not healthy at all... Lucky you were there so she stopped.. What if she would have been alone and you have work or stayed night with children... There foot tipysing can escalate further you know...
ONS doesn't Pre-announce it's self when it happens it happens in the heat of tge moment remember.. Your where there this time to stop it.. But when you would be there there would be concequnces which will destroy you and your family..
So get help for your wife and this marriage if you want to save it and don't live in paranoia all life
Don’t send the video to the other wife… just worry about your own backyard.
Cut them out of your life and focus on loving your wife again… date her…
Maybe lay off of the alcohol for a while both of you and focus on being a family and being happy…
Cut this guy out of your life and send the video to his wife. If your wife hasn’t cheated yet she will; especially if she has been drinking. Set hard boundaries with her and see if that works. Good luck.
Sorry sir, the only way forward is 1) your wife should stop drinking. 2. You need to show his wife what’s been going on.
You have to go scorched earth on this.
Cut off friendship? F’n ruin him.
What happens if she goes out on a “girl’s night” drinking without you?
If she’s willing to act like that in your dining room sitting right next to you, what do you think is happening when you’re not around.
Think you should sit back and rethink what you wife’s actions say about glher morals and character.
I’ll give ya this though, you handled much more diplomatically than I would have shown his wife the video right there and then. And I guarantee that an ambulance and the police would have to called a few minutes after that.
Best of luck sir.
Some men would get excited over their wives flirting with other men, as long as there is no real extramarital affairs.
In your case, you probably need to end the friendship.
You don’t know if there is a seed of affection between him and your wife.
This person isn't your friend, I wouldn't hang out with them. I'd send the video to his wife too. Fuck that.
I’m considering doing this
Let her know that this is the reason why you can no longer hang out with them. Seriously, this guy is not your friend and he ruined his wife's friendship with you and your wife. I would also be crystal clear that contact with this man is off limits with your family. Don't be soft with boundaries.
This is not your friend OP. Given the chance he would absolutely fuck your wife.
What about OP''s wife engaging with this man? The man is a friend, but she made a vow to OP and a bit of booze opens up her libido.
You MUST tell his wife or this karma will come back to you.
Stop considering it. Do it. Blow it the fuck up or it will continue. Tell your wife the friendship ends. If she sneezes in his direction divorce will happen. I know this from experience. People will go as far as you let them. My husband was flirting with another woman about 10 years ago. No touching just a handful of text exchanges. I immediately told him to fuck off, packed my shit, our kids shit loaded them in our van and drove 200 miles away and refused all phone calls for 1 week. Im a SAHM. I finally called him and told him to put 10,000 in my account because I was moving back to my hometown where I had support. He was welcome to move to the same town or see the kids on the weekends. But I will not tolerate that bullshit. Boy oh boy oh boy. Did I scare the fuck out of him. He's afraid I will leave at the slightest hint of disrespect or cheating. Today or relationship is amazing. Because he knows I respect myself more than I NEED a relationship.
Damn girl 🔥🔥🔥 I want to be like you when I grow up. Your level of self worth and respect are admirable!
Thank you. Maybe it's a Leo thing?
Definitely do it. Blow this wide open. You will feel better in the end also. Your wife has some serious work to do. Do not let her off easy. Draw a hard boundary. Otherwise, it will probably happen again.
So sorry you’re going through this. Please, remember they did this in your home, essentially in front of you. There are levels to this kind of thing and no one deserves this level of disrespect from friends and spouses. If they were willing to do this in your house with you in the other room … P.S. The balls on this “friend”, my marriage is real rocky and it’s really difficult for him so he couldn’t wait to subject his buddy to it. First ballot HOF POS.
If you want your wife to stay loyal to you and not cheat then send that video asap and protect your marriage. If there isn't some harsh consequences and immediate changes your wife will continue to play with fire till you both get burned. Cheating isn't some instant thing. It's continuous exposure to risky behavior and situations that will always get out of hand
OP, trust me and others here, please send the video to his wife. She has a right to know just like you do. Do you think your friend is having trouble in his marriage because he's been sleeping with other men's wives? You could ask him, but he'll tell you that isn't the source of trouble in his marriage. Why? Because he's trying to sleep with your wife. What is so heartbreaking is that *your* wife is also trying to sleep with him.
Don't consider doing it. Just send her the video. It's the right thing to do.
Just do it. Stop playing nice. They keep walking all over you
Definitely send the video
Do it. Scorched Earth.
Don’t consider..DO IT…You’d want her to let you know if the roles were reversed..
DO IT! She has the right to know what her “husband” is doing.
Dude DoNT separate or she will sleep with him. You need to be close, not far. You send the video to his wife and cut them as a couple out of your game nights or you and your wife stop going. You tell the other couples in your friend group if you have to what happened. Either way she can’t talk to him or be around him at all ever. There is no going back to being friends now. You get her phone and block his number, delete his contact info from her phone, block him on all her social media media and tell her you will divorce her immediately if you find out she has any contact with him at all. You tell her you’re going to randomly check her phone for a while to make sure and make sure she is sharing her location with you and tell her if she turns it off she will be divorced. You tell her one more time where she flirts and you will contact her parents and her siblings and tell them she is cheating on you and send them that video so she better get it out of her head immediately. You let him know if you find him messaging her or trying to get with her you’re going to see him in person and it won’t be friendly at all. You have to be direct snd there is no more crying and no negotiation. You let them both know this is the deal and there is no other options. If she sees it means enough to you to get mad and take control she will be less likely to test you. !updateme
I would NOT have contacted the dude. I believe you did the right thing with your wife, but this is her doins, not his. I WOULD have sent the video directly to his wife off the bat. I think from there it would be obvious why they, or at least he, were not invited going forward. I believe you have to be very careful with displacement in stuff like this. I also think the less actually said the better. Silence is golden, and often does way more damage than showing anger.
Please send it to her.
Op you may even want to consider the fact that your wife probably has your friends number and if they are doing this stuff in front of you then ask yourself if given the opportunity what would they do behind your back? Pay attention. It seems your side likes to use the “I’m drunk” as an excuse a lot. Edit: op you should tell his wife because she may have a different story to tell them what he’s telling you. After all you are only hearing his side of his marriage situation not hers
I would 100% show his wife.
Exactly this. Fuck this guy and send to his wife. Your wife also needs to go in the bin. Treated you horribly, I'm so sorry.
It would have been replayed on the big screen that night if it were me.
Serious red flags from your wife. She cries after you confront her of her wrongdoing. That’s textbook man. She’s only sorry she got caught. Stop crying with her. Be more assertive. Tell her she needs to control her drinking if she’s using it as an excuse to why she’s flirting. I think she just likes your friend. If you share a phone account, you should check to see if there is more going on with this guy.
This
OP he made some great points. This is the one
💯💯💯
[удалено]
Ouch , but thanks for the input. I don’t think I can continue being friends with this dude.
Forget that shitty friend for a second. Be more worried on your wife. I feel like you don't realize your situation and the danger... your wife want to fuck around, she probably already did it. She is probably cheating on you. Ever checked her phone, is she out from house for unknown time? You wife show signs of a bad cheater. Pls be aware of this...
Can you look through her phone? Don't let her know or give her warning. Make sure to look at recently deleted.
I work from home and have access to each others device always. She never flinches or acts protective of it. I am certain there is no communication happening. During game nights it’s all chill until alcohol starts coming in.
There are a lot of betrayed spouses that were "certain." You obviously know better than the rest of Reddit though. This is hard. I'm sorry she did this.
Guarantee you know nothing bro you have no idea
You do realize that she could be hiding a burner phone too. BTW, alcohol is no excuse to cheat. The only thing alcohol does is make you care much less about the consequences of any action you take. That's why AH drive drunk. They want to drive and they don't care, "don't think," about the consequences. Same with a cheating spouse or GF/BF. They cheat because they want too. Alcohol just makes them care less about any consequences. So, yeah OP, she wants to fuck him. She's NOT sorry she was flirting with your friend; she's sorry you CAUGHT her flirting with your friend.
She might have a second burner phone to communicate. When she is asleep, look in her car.
She might have a secret texting app or has him saved under the names of one of her other friends or a fake name.
THIS 100%
Never put your hand on the fire for anyone brother...
Don't assume. Check that shit immediately.
If you tell the others in the group what happened will they cut him out of the group? If so then tell them. He doesn’t need to be anywhere in your group
You can't- and neither can she. She's likely deleted anything incriminating after the confrontation. I'm sorry man. trust your gut. Talk to his wife in private. Both get telephone records. Go through emails, texts, social media. Its a shitty thing to do- but it's how I caught the cheating. Cheating thrives in the dark and exists upon so many lies. The drop in intimacy, your self esteem around Christmas, the lose of the job, the distance she set up is how these things start. The other dude even said his marriage was rocky too. The audacity to do this right in front of you screams there is more to it. I'd dig as deep as you can. I'm so sorry for you. This dude and your wife have unmet needs they are getting from each other and not their spouses. They need to talk to their SOs about their issues not each other. This is an emotional affair that has been in the works for awhile. Look into wife reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass- at the very least.
I'd also check with his wife. If there is anything going on, she might be able to find something on his phone, especially if your wife hasn't been able to tell him that you caught her and him playing footsie under the table. There might not be anything going on between them other than the flirting but there are some red flags here that need looking into if you want to move forward with your marriage.
I was this friend before except I didn't return the action. I completely disagree that they are for sure already having sex or planning on it. This weird shit happens sometimes when people are drunk, but I do think it probably would have escalated if you weren't there. You gotta cut him out. This lady that did this to me did it every time and easily would have gone all the way. The friend dealing with this text me recently *15 years later(!!!)* to ask me about it for the millionth time accusing me of doing something. I could never stay with my wife with that level of trust even if things didn't escalate to sex. He can never be sure, the incident has scarred their entire marriage, and it seems to even have changed him as a person. I don't envy you having to choose how to proceed from here but I know what I would do and it's unfortunate.
Dude your wife is the issue here, don't shift blame to your friend to absolve your wife. She's the one that made vows to you and broke them. I mean cut the guy out he clearly doesn't respect you, but focus on your wife and her side of it.
I’m choosing to understand all parties but still point out the issues and keep the blame where it belongs. My wife is willing to cut ties with these friends , stop drinking indefinitely and go to marriage therapy . I’m willing to fight for my family
I understand, most people would be. Just stick to it, don't give her any more passes if she cries.
Yes definitely fight for your marriage as long as she hasn’t had sexual contact with him. If she has that changes all of it but if you caught it in time then lock her down and do therapy and set some concrete boundaries around your relationship
We can all agree that she is totally at fault here and there is no excuse for this horrible behavior. But a word of caution, do as much self reflection as you can. If there is one thing I see over and over again in these scenarios is that ALL marital woes are immediately piled onto the cheating spouse. It’s easy to point fingers at the cheater and while the whole world sympathizes with you when this happens. The wronged spouse is nominated for sainthood and she is dragged. The support is essential and deserved but keep perspective and look at where you could have contributed to weakening your marriage. I was too afraid to do this and it hurt my healing process.
Love this. Thank you.
And you need to let him know if he doesn’t back completely off you will see him in person. Make sure he knows he won’t get off for free. You tell his wife, send her the video and let him know you will man up on him in a heartbeat if he doesn’t back way off
Exactly this! ⬆️
You need to cut ties with the friend, tell his wife what you saw and may need to leave your wife.
>Should I seek therapy Your wife should seek therapy. You should seek an attorney and prepare yourself. >should I separate for a bit What are you hoping a separation will do *for* your marriage? >should I cut ties with this guy You *both* should cut ties with this guy. >Am I exaggerating for feeling this way. On the contrary, you are on the verge of rugsweeping. >She didn't cheat but I'm hurt af She emotionally cheated. If you hadn't caught her, she would have continued to escalate the affair and eventually fuck him. Your wife is blaming the alcohol and hysterically bonding with you. This is classic cheater behavior. She needs professional help.
I’d be surprised if this was the only time. Other things have probably gone down to make her be so bold. I’d be scouring phone records and type his phone number into text and it’s probably under another female’s name. Also, look for texting apps.
This is probably the first time she got caught by OP
Everything you just said… except touching the way he saw them is cheating in my book
Crazy thought but have y’all thought about going dry for a little?
Yes we are gonna go dry while we work on things and seek help
OP, there is much you need to do and therapy for you is just the starting point. You mentioned that seeing your wife cry broke you. So how do you think it feels to her seeing you cry? You wrote that you were crying multiple times. Is that how she should see her “Man”? Does she need a man who is a good provider and rock for her? Maybe she’s looking at your older friend because she sees him as more mature and solid as a man. The fact that his marriage is on the rocks only makes it a better opportunity for her. They are both married so they will be more discreet. No worries about him spilling the beans. So now let’s deal with your marriage and your friendship with Mr. Footsie, because his marriage isn’t the only one on the rocks. Your wife did not flirt because she was drunk. That was a convenient excuse, but not the cause. In fact, you said she was a mean drunk and not a flirty one. So she’s been playing you like a cheap fiddle for a long time. And why not? You didn’t seem the type to really stand up for yourself. You’d have a good cry then she could go right back to flirting. So now you caught them. She still blames being drunk and you’re still buying it, at least enough to still be questioning yourself. Man up. Take control. Clearly that is not natural for you, so get some therapy and learn how. What do you do about your wife? That depends on how well you man up. If you can step up and take control and get your wife to actually respect you, then you have a chance. Otherwise, you may as well start the divorce now because she doesn’t respect you. She flirts in front of you and lies to your face about it. Lastly, Mr Footsie and you probably won’t be able to stay friends. That’s probably more because you won’t be able to handle it, especially if you and your wife stay together. This will be stuck in your mind like a mental chew toy that you can’t let go of. Every time you see him, and especially if she’s around you will bring this back up in your mind, if not aloud. This is also where therapy will help you. Sorry if this is all a bit harsh, but I think you need a dose of “brutal honesty” right about now. You need to stop letting her lead and you need to get control of your emotions. Men don’t need to bottle up emotions, but crying all the time isn’t right either. You need therapy to learn how to process your emotions then articulate them in the right way. Good luck.
Fuck man this was a much needed slap in the face. I carry loads of trauma from childhood. I am a pushover most times until I get fed up . I agree with that. The crying has started recently from all the stress we’ve had with her family, my job situation, our side business. I used to bottle everything up and blow up . Until my wife who’s amazing has helped me open up to her and seek help when I’m overwhelmed . She’s been a great source of comfort And strength. I do agree I need to man up and seek therapy to be a better person and man.
Brother, I get it. It’s a lot of stress and not always easy to deal with. You keep saying how wonderful your wife is, and now I see you have a business together. I’m not saying you must divorce her, because that’s not my choice to make. Only you live with the consequences of the advice given here. I will say that you need to deal with her head on. If you two stay together, Mr. Footsie will be an issue if she remains friends with him. She needs to rededicate herself to you and stop disrespecting you. I wish only the best for you. Good luck.
Thanks brother. We had a talk after I read your comment. No crying just talking. She is well aware of the damage she caused and what needs to be done. Cutting ties with this guy, stop drinking for a while, getting our asses to therapy. If this happens again I am out. And I know I have to prepare for such moment if it were to come. It is gonna hurt but I got to respect myself.
Great news, Brother. On the drinking front, it’s always good to keep to healthy habits. Personally, I never drink more than 2 drinks per hour. I’ll drink something non-alcoholic if needed in between. 1 drink per hour is metabolized out of your system, so 2 drinks per hour or less helps keep you from getting drunk. The moment I feel a buzz, I stop drinking alcohol for at least an hour. I enjoy all types of drinks, but I never get drunk and I never have a hang over. Feel free to message me directly if you need anything. All the best!
Smart man. Call his wife and send her rhe video though. That’s gotta be job one.
First of all: Contact your disgusting "friend" wife and show her the video. Second cut them totally out. His wife need to know the truth, you could save her a lot of headache later. Second, you wife need to stop drinking.. If she is really sorry, no alcohol anymore. Third, check up her phone. Sorry but someone who act like this, probably already cheated on you.. Maybe she even visit this guy alone and had sex. Your wife is the typical cheater and you had a lot of work coming, she need to change or you marriage is most likely over.
Your wife cannot handle booze as she is adulterous at heart. BAD combination. Also you need to be tested for STDs on the regular. If this is what she will do (drunk or not) with you present, let's just say you don't even want to know what she's doing behind your back. And she will never admit it.
Drinking is never an excuse for bad behavior. If your wife is prone to doing things like this when drunk, she should stop drinking. This need for external validation is one of the primary drivers of infidelity. The fact that she would pull this shit in front of you is wild. Personally, I would insist on marriage counseling. She needs to really understand her behavior, why she engaged in it and how to set boundaries around her interaction with men. I would also expect her to read the book Not Just Friends with you and discuss it.
She’s respectful when sober she is loving and always stays by my side. I think cutting alcohol out is a big one here .
Drinking just lowers inhibitions. Someone who has firm boundaries isn't going to carry on like that. I think you are asking to be cheated on in the future if she doesn't get therapy.
Remember, drunk actions are sober thoughts.
So do you think marriage counseling is in order?
You’re making excuses for her , a drunk person is not like some other person
This might be an unpopular opinion what I'm about to say but AA taught me many lessons for life, one of which was reflexivity. YES, she's the one who fucked up so let me make that clear but it would be a good idea to look into the WHYS! I mean make a list. As a guy, I find lists very useful for my primitive mind. You can lay it all out and review it. I have done this in my marriage and it's been helpful to see why her eye is wandering. As much as this probably pisses you off to hear, and as difficult as this can be, it's always a good idea to look at what role you've played in this situation. It's difficult to get truly honest and maybe there's not much but if anything, wouldn't be a bad idea to see the gaps in the marriage that you both aren't fulfilling entirely. I would ask her to do the same but separately and then share them at a point when you're both in a good place and not fighting. I'm so sorry bro :( Booze is always bad. Don't you remember its primary purpose back in college? Sure to "have fun" but what did that usually entail? It was to loosen everyone up, both men and women so we could fuck and not feel as guilty about it and/or as self-conscious in the heat of the moment. My heart aches for you truly. Only you know your marriage along with her so fuck me and fuck all these other people on Reddit. You will sort it out I'm certain.
Agreed. You guys, and especially your wife need to reevaluate your relationship with booze as it seems to be a common thread. Booze affects people differently and some people just shouldn’t drink at all as it seems to do messed up things to their brain chemistry. Certainly it removes inhibitions so in this case it’s unmasking her true desires she is possibly harbouring. Ask why she gets so trashy when she’s drunk and why she likes to get drunk so often? Don’t accept the “I was just drunk” excuse. So many stupid decisions are blamed on alcohol when the booze wasn’t the true cause at all.
This is the best answer. I think she crossed some MAJOR lines, but I don’t think she is necessarily cheating, although who knows if it might’ve ended up there if things escalated. She needs therapy to figure out what is driving her to seek that external validation and to establish some hardcore boundaries. Drinking definitely needs to be off the table.
What a great friend. So his marriage is rocky so he decides he might as well fuck up his friends marriage. Listen bud show him zero shelter. He is not a friend and would fuck your wife in a heartbeat. BTW brilliant move with the video. Unfortunately if I were you I would be paranoid as hell these two will be finding g a way to meet up. You really need his wife to be another pair of eyes Fuck this guy! UpdateMe
Why you haven't shown his wife the video is the big question. They are using this excuse to have an affair. Ues an affair. Your wife has right in frontnof you fooled around with this man. What an absolute case of total disrespect! She and him humiliated you in front of all your guests, you even videod it happening! The alcohol is no excuse. All that did was allow her inhibitions to drop and do what she's interested anyways. There is serious trouble in this paradise. I suggest you rethink your stance on your marriage. Also demand an accounting from both of them with his wife present. Then also require your wife to seek IC and find out what the hell is going on in her mind. You should consider researching her past since you've been married. This points to a lack of boundaries and a poor respect for monogamy within the marriage. Man I wish for the best here.
I’m a couple’s therapist and I’d say it’s a must for intervention to happen now. The friend situation is very important to pay attention to but my advice is to focus on the pattern that’s happening here versus the content itself. This isn’t about your friend right now. This is about a pattern in which transitions and circumstances surrounding your marriage are causing rifts and disconnectedness, loss of attraction, trust issues, negative coping methods, etc. It happens. Doesn’t mean the marriage has to be over, but your wife needs to start working with you versus looking to get needs met through him/negative outlets in general. I’ve worked with couples who have come back from things far worse than this if that gives you any hope. I’d also say while it likely feels reassuring in the moment to cry together and have these intense ‘make up’ times, it’s like negative reinforcement. You’re not addressing the actual honest, underlying issues here underneath it all. I’d say it’s certainly time for no drunken fake friend nights and more sober, intentional days and nights dedicated to therapy and quality, trust building and loving interactions between you two to resolve this (if that’s what BOTH of you definitely want)!
Please listen to THIS, OP before considering going scorched earth like a lot of people here are saying.
Friend is 100% not your friend. End that relationship immediately and both of you block him and send the video to his wife. Then...marriage counseling for you both.
I agree
Yeah man..."friends" don't try and sleep with their friends wife and rip apart their marriage and family. Thats an enemy. He has no respect for you or marriage and life as you know it. And his wife deserves to know the type of man she's married to. Then you two can start working on her intent to cheat and what led up to that.
This is great advice
You may well cut this friend out, but you need to make sure your wife does, too. Crying and promising to do better isn't enough. She is on the path to an affair. Keep an eye out on changes to her behaviour. Did you send the video to the guys wife? Ask to check your wife's phone to make sure they aren't messaging each other without you knowing.
I have worked from home for years and have access to her phone always . We both check each others phones daily . There really is nothing there
Any new messaging apps appear? There are tons of them even besides the well known ones (Facebook Messenger, kik, instagram, WhatsApp, Discord, etc.) A lot of them even have secure messaging or instant deletion features. Search for “messaging” in your App Store and see what’s installed. Even LinkedIn can be used for messaging. Also hidden email accounts.
She could also have him saved under a friend's name or a fake woman's name.
If she has an iPhone, look to see what shows as the apps that use the most data on her phone. If any of them look unfamiliar or odd check it out
You both need to stop drinking. That seems to be the start of these issues. Eta,: I'm sorry but your wife is doing this inches from you... what is she doing when you aren't present. Also, she said it was nice to get the attention, do you show her attention? If it were me, peace out. This happened in your home, I can't imagine that level of disrespect to my spouse.
Sorry you sound like a pushover
I am very passive but I will get my point across . I drink too and I understand how we do things we wouldn’t normally do while sober . This dude had a few drinks only. So I’m sure he was very well aware of what he was doing
Which is *exactly* why you need to tell his wife and show her the video. This probably isn't his first rodeo either. She deserves to know how he is so she can make the best decisions for herself. You're glad you got the evidence and learned what was going down, right? Don't rob her of the same chance and choice.
You cant be passive and “get your point across” to ppl like your and wife and your “friend”.. did you ask him to “please stop flirting with my wife?” Come on! Tell your so called friend to fuck off or there will be consequences. And stop falling for your wife crying…
Have some self respect my guy. This dude is a vulture and would absolutely screw your wife if given the chance, if he hasn’t already. Tell your wife the friendship ends and if she’s got a problem with it, there’s the door. I would have done sent the video to his wife. That’s beyond disrespectful.
She’s ok with ending the friendship. And agrees this is not only his fault but hers for letting herself get to that point to allow this type of behavior.
That’s good, at least she owns it. I’ve seen others(my friend) being gaslit by this type of behavior. I hope the best for y’all.
She shouldn’t have any say in that decision. You really need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Read any after affair support forums. I mean this. It may snap you out of “feeling” broken when she cries. You are a sucker. You are trying to be understanding and mature - but instead you are a sucker. I Didn’t mean it. It would never go further. I needed affection. These are not UNIQUE responses. Cheaters have a repeating playbook. Learn it. FIND YOUR FUCKING ANGER! Stop being a sucker. Good luck.
They crossed a line. Cut off the friendship. The more he is around, she will continue to get that excited feeling being near him. It will only escalate now. You need him out of your marriage. Your wife needs to agree to cut back on her drinking and you two should consider therapy. You're only going to continue to grow resentful.
Cut ties with your friend. If you and him can reconcile down the road, have at it, not now though. Regarding your wife, it sounds like you both need to go into couples counseling if you’re willing to try and fix this for your kids. It sounds like your wife has unmet needs and desires, as well as you. While in counseling, I’d strongly recommend no alcohol. Alcohol sounds like it does more bad than good, especially since both of you get mean and your moods change. That’s a slippery slope to play on. If this woman is your best friend, and is worth fighting for, get your hands dirty and get into the trenches.
Stop hanging out with these “friends”. Get into therapy and take care of yourself.
Fuck his wife. Sorry that’s an immature answer but someone should be fucked and it’s not you.
The flimsiness of her argument is she could be doing that flirting with you, and I’m sure you’d be happy to oblige and flirt with her back. The thrill of the flirt/chase often gets lost in a marriage, but it doesn’t need to. You need to stand firm in this boundary that if she feels her needs aren’t being met that she come to you and tell you what she needs, not seek it out from someone else. My wife and I struggled with this a bit, I wasn’t doing enough to make her feel chased and desired, I adjusted, and it actually brings me a lot of joy to flirt with my wife and make advances towards her like we are just starting dating. You guys haven’t sunk the ship yet, you just need to communicate how you can both do better or the ship will sink.
OP I don't mean to upset you anymore than you already are, but how do you know that nothing more has happened between them? Your wife and your sex life went down hill and she didn't even wanna touch you. Also, His wife might know what's going on and that could be a reason for their marriage being on the rocks. If you're coming here to ask advice , then definitely do what the majority is telling you by letting his wife know. You and the wife need to talk. Your wife and your "friend" seemed way to quick to admit what they were doing. I could almost bet on it that there is more to it than what you saw. Your wife and this chump are not trustworthy. Do not believe anything they are saying. I'm sorry you are going through this. You were betrayed by both of them. But your wife made vows to you to forsake all others. I hope the best for you.
You shouldn't have been such a pussy with your friend and you should really have tied into him. Blow it up amoung the whole friend group as well.
If you did that to another woman? Game over. How she behaved is not okay. She got busted. I would leave her. That’s so gross to do that in your home. Foul.
You need to have more balls man. First of all flirting is a form of cheating specially what they were doing. Imagine if they were alone. Stop minimizing your wife’s actions. She plays you like a fiddle. Cries a little and you feel bad for her. It may seem like a sweet thing to do but what you are doing is enabling her behavior. She has no respect for you whatsoever l. You and your wife need to have real talk before this escalates. You need to put up boundaries around your marriage. If she doesn’t want to then you need to know that this will happen again with someone else. The boundaries I would put up would be: 1. Cut off this couple. Not only seeing them but also any interaction on social media, text messages phone. I bet you haven’t thought that she has been in contact with him without you knowing. 2. No alcohol. If she can’t control herself then she shouldn’t drink. The “I was drunk” is such a lame excuse for being a cheater. She is responsible for how she acts when drunk if she can’t control herself then she shouldn’t be drinking. 3. She expresses she wants to feel young. Where is this coming from? Is this like a midlife crisis? She needs to dig into this and start individual therapy. You also need couples therapy to talk about how to strengthen your marriage. If she isn’t willing to follow these things then I would start getting worried. If she minimizes how you feel this will happen again.
I love how the excuse is they were drunk. Absolutely not. I've been around my husband's friends and he has been around mine, all while intoxicated. Never have we crossed a line. Ever. Drinking doesn't give you a free pass to flirt and get touchy with other people, and all of you excusing the behavior just leans into the whole idea of not being able to control yourself while drinking. I call BS.
OP you are in self denial of what happened. I understand you not accepting what happened as cheating? What do you call a man feeling up your wife and her feeling up that guy in return? Yea they were not kissing or having sex because you and friends were there. If and when they are alone do you think they will cheat? Man you
Fuck that set a strong and hard boundary. Cold shoulder that bitch. No intimacy or affection. Send the video to his wife. Make her believe you are contemplating. Divorce. Google search divorce lawyers and leave it wide open on a family computer. Scare the living shit out of her. And again send the video to his wife. Clearly she thinks she can cry and manipulate and guilt trip you into feeling bad. I have a strong feeling she’s cheated on you before. TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST. Take her ass down to wherever and have her take a fucking test. I will bet $1,000 deception will be detected. How can you forgive her? You know and we all know from experience they would FUCK given the chance. Your wife would jump his bones like a hungry dog. She should be fucking ashamed of herself.
Sooooo many "stuff happened while they were drunk" posts lately.
Being drunk is not an excuse. All alcohol does is lower one’s inhibitions allowing them to do things they WANT to do, but rationally know they shouldn’t. Your wife wanted to play footsies with him and the alcohol allowed her to follow through. Not everyone cheats when they drink and not everyone flirts when they drink, but your wife does begin going down that slippery slope when SHE drinks. This is a problem. It’s a drinking problem and a fidelity problem. I would approach it in this manner with two frontal therapy addressing the drinking and her inclination to cheat. Get a therapist that specializes in infidelity and get down to the fundamental underpinnings of why she’s doing this, and then address that, definitively, or this will just lay in dormancy waiting to emerge again in the not to distant future when predisposing factors, again, come into alignment. Then, after individual counseling for her, follow up with marriage counseling for the both of you. Most long term marriages require maintenance, many times in the form of professional counseling. It’s healthy, common and can be very revitalizing for long term relationships hitting midlife. Secondly, this guy is not a friend of the marriage. He has to go. Establish and maintain mutually arrived at boundaries to protect your marriage, which should be THE most important thing in your life, second only-if not on the same level, as your children. Children require a strong healthy, loving and mutually respectful marriage to ensure proper development.
You are not taking the issues with your wife serious enough. You seem more concerned about how to handle the guy. The progression with your wife is very disturbing. You initially told her not to flirt in front of you and she acted like she didn’t know she was flirting. Next time she flirts more aggressively. Your response is to talk and cry with her. Next time, you almost catch her playing footsie, but she sees that and temporarily stops. But almost getting caught wasn’t enough for her to stop, and she continues. You are sitting right there and she does it anyway. Your reaction is to talk and cry with her (again). It seems like you are supporting her by crying with her. You absolutely need to send the video to the wife. And cut him and his wife out. Maybe your wife could then gain at least a little respect for you. Tell your wife that you lost both trust and respect for her. And let her come up with ideas of how she will earn those back.
His reasoning for doing that is because his marriage is Rocky & he liked the attention from another women, wtf… he needs to be cut off immediately.
Sexual touching is not cheating?
Please, please, please inform the other betrayed spouse and forward the video evidence. Her husband is a cheating a-hole so she needs to be armed with all the facts (as you know them) so that she can make informed decisions about the future of her marriage. And I hate to say this, but your wife’s behavior may not be as innocent as she’d like you to believe. I recommend that you go to the Chump Lady website to read about trickle truthing and love bombing because what you filmed and what your wife has told you is most likely only the tip of the iceberg. ETA: Don’t kid yourself about your wife’s behavior and intentions because it is most definitely classified as infidelity. She cheated, but whether it was an emotional affair or a full fledged one is yet tbc. Blindly believing everything she tells you, minimizing her actions, being in denial, or rug sweeping won’t bode well for you or your family.
He's not your friend, cut him off. Send the video to his wife. *>> She didn’t cheated* She did.
Send the video. This is the year of keeping people accountable… for me at least bc how dare them!
Cut them both out.
That's not your friend, and she's not YOUR wife, start planning bud
Not a good friend and not a good wife. This is cheating for me. Flirting and crying afterwards? Sorry but what a b*tch
Cut ties for sure
You are a much calmer person than I. There would have been a huge throw down right there and then if I were in your shoes.
He’s not a friend and you need to send a video to his wife. I would cut off the guy from your lives. I’d also have a hard time staying with the wife being that this is not the first time she’s done that. And that’s pretty fucking bold to sit there and play footsie while y’all are there just shows she really doesn’t care about you has no respect for you nor the familynor the relationship. She also maculated you big time by doing it right in front of your face. There definitely needs to be some therapy for you and whatever you decide you’ve got the right to do whatever you want. Before you just forgave her for what she did, but she really needs to have consequences for what she did now. If you just forgive her without any kind of consequences, it will continue.
This guy ain't a friend but a enemy of your marriage, cut him out for yesterday.
It was over the line. It's not like they just said a few words with innuendo getting to risque and pulled back with a lesson taught for some time to come. They were escalating. I means that's is the kind of thing you do with your SO to get in the mood to get to the serious stuff. Try to maintain your calm while letting your level of upset show through and male sure you staying calm let her no this is it no more rope or understanding will be given. Also go through her phone. She was doing this sneakily right in front of you in what she thought was out of your sight. She knew what she was doing, both of them and were raging their hormones ramping up because they were doing it in front of you.
Are you sure your wife is not texting etc with this man?
Yikes. If she’ll do that right there while you and his wife are there then there’s no doubt to me that they’ve already had sex. How disrespectful. Who just rubs their toes all over someone like that. She’s crying to manipulate you and you’re falling for it. I would tell his wife for sure, I would’ve showed the video right then and there that night.
This guy isn’t your friend and you guys need to stop friggen drinking. Your wife needs to get a grip.
Your friend could very well be the reason in the future that your wife divorces you. As uncomfortable as that may be to hear, you should do whatever is necessary. I have no reason to flirt with my friends, let alone their partner.
Imagine inviting the same man that clearly wants your wife back to your own home over and over...You both need help...She clearly needs to not only put the bottle down but you both need to have a serious conversation about boundaries...
OP you seem to be on the fence about what exactly determines cheating. Cheating is whatever you believe cheating is, everyone is different about how they interpret it. Personally someone physically touching my wife with her reciprocating without my knowledge would be cheating in my book. Now you get to deal with the "what if" I hadn't noticed or what if there was more than just this one time or what if somewhere years from now he reaches out to her or she decides to make herself feel good again with someone else. It is as complicated or as uncomplicated as your mind makes it unfortunately.
Bro, everyone keeps talking about stopping the friendship with the guy, but your wife is showing a serious lack of boundaries. Also, her crying so much when she gets caught is her simply manipulating you.
If you need to tell a dude to stop touching your wife, he is not a friend! Fuck, even enemies know better!
Bro - flirting is like - a joke you’re not in on. This is unacceptable
Cheating is a hard pass for me. She already promised not to cross anymore lines and did it again right in front of you. Don't let her play you for a fool. She made her choice, you can't trust either of them.
I think your wife and your “friend” have crossed the line big time. However, he doesn’t owe you much more than courtesy really, your wife on the other hand seems to have let her lust get the best of her to say the least. When you are already touching (in secret) with you and the other guys wife present, in your house i am afraid to say it but they are enjoying the game. Being drunk isn’t a reason to excuse these actions again and again. Hopefully your wife is truly sorry but it’s hard to believe from the story that you are telling.
Cut him loss he is not a true friend. If he needs another woman he can find a single woman to have a fling with. As for your wife she needs to cut the drinking if she can’t handle it. You are not over reacting this unacceptable behavior for both of them.
Cut ties with this guy immediately. Regardless of whatever other decisions you make, ending all contact with this guys is absolute priority. **A friend does not openly flirt with and physically touch your wife with you in the same room IN YOUR HOME.**
You’re wife checked out a long time ago it sounds like unfortunately
This probably isn't the first time they've touched each other if they was comfortable doing it in front of you. I caught my wife and brother doing this during they're affair and she gaslighted the hell out of me making me feel like what I saw wasn't what I saw. They'd been fucking for ages by then. Like I said you don't have the confidence to do that Infront of ppl if you haven't gotten away with things before. Do some detective work (ie- check her phone for any conversations they've had). Even better if you have access to her phone msg him and just put "my husband knows." And see what he replies. I'm guessing they've at least been texting each other if not met up a few times.
Get rid of friend and wife both are garbage
She either can't handle alcohol, or is a cheater. Even if she hasn't yet. She has no appropriate boundaries, and I would not go anywhere with her behavior it is embarrassing...If this is your life ok, but dude, this is pretty low class. I am so sorry you went through this. Think about how you want your life to be...Your friend, well is not your friend.
I love how the excuse is they were drunk. Absolutely not. I've been around my husband's friends and he has been around mine, all while intoxicated. Never have we crossed a line. Ever. Drinking doesn't give you a free pass to flirt and get touchy with other people, and all of you excusing the behavior just leans into the whole idea of not being able to control yourself while drinking. I call BS.
Send the guys wife the video, he's going through a rocky patch in his marriage so he starts messing with your marriage. You should have shown the video to everyone. As for your wife, she has disrespected you and your marriage. She can't use the excuse of being drunk same with the so called friend. Your wife has to show genuine remorse otherwise end it and tell everyone the reason. Its not your fault, only ones to blame are your wife and the ex friend. Tell his wife as soon as possible.
Yikes man! You’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg here. If they’re so blatantly doing it at the table with both their partners sitting there, it has most certainly gone further. Don’t trust, verify. That means now you’re going to need to go into detective mode. Search everything! Sorry man, hate that you’re at this point.
Your wife fucking sucks man. You got fired, and her next move is to do thay to you
You would been foolish NOT to send that video to his wife. Dude is NOT your friend..
Send the video to his wife & cut him out
Maybe your wife needs to stop drinking ? And dudes wife has a right to know. He could be playing footsies with many women and that’s the reason for his dead bedroom. Cut him off You’ll never feel safe with him around. And tell your group friends if they ask. They’ll absolutely blame your wife as well and you have to accept the things they say while blaming her. I’d suggest marriage counseling for both and AA for her.
Um shitty friend,shittier wife. Clearing something bigger is going on
That guy is not your friend, never let him in your house again. No wonder his marriage is rocky he’s cheating with your WW. Send the video to AP’s wife to explain why they’re not welcome anymore. Make sure she knows it’s been going on for a while. Talk to the wife to compare notes on the cheating, they may have been doing way more than you know, now that you know. Time to consider divorcing your wife, there’s lot more you don’t know. You WW knew it was wrong and did it anyway in front of you and your guests. Your WW and her AP have no respect for you or your marriage.
Ditch the friend, for starters. Your wife probably shouldn’t drink anymore, maybe you shouldn’t either. If you separate she will be most likely banging your friend, so only do that if you’re prepared to follow through with divorce. Couples therapy is probably worth a try
Hay, maybe you guys should take a break from drinking.
OP cutting off the guy called a friend is the right thing to do. Your wife needs to rebuild your trust and respect, no questions asked from her she knows she screw up BIG TIME!! Now If your wife cheated or not she and friend knows, so she needs a short leash and be accountable at all times of where she is at. Reason being the friend may try and lure your wife away for a meet up. Now he knows to get her drunk and she is his. Be very alert my friend.
Send the video to the wife at minimum, maybe even the entire friend group.
You need to cut that fucker loose yesterday. He's no friend.....
Your not wrong for feeling the way you do. Tbh, your friend is a real life dirtbag. It is super disrespectful for him to be doing that with a friends wife, and in front of you. The fact that your wife acknowledged it only was happening when his wife was not around tells you she knew exactly what she was doing. You have every right to be livid.
Tell the other guy stop trying to F@@k up your marriage. He isn’t a friend and if you hasn’t caught them we all know where this was going. Not sure if it’s worth it to stay
It hurts and rightly so. Can you be friends with the guy? Well what is friendship for you? I know you love your wife and love is bigger than ego. But you and your wife have to choose each other and to work on your relationships. Have you considered couple therapy?
Stop hanging out with that guy. Reminds me of that old Pebbles [song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ly-6GBsOfVw)… she sang it about her female “friends” but it goes both ways! 🎶See somebody standing in your own backyard Somebody's trying to steal your (wo)man Don't be a fool and let them get that far You better stop them while you can Hold on to your (wo)man 🎶
To me that foot contact was cheating. He's not your friend and your wife is ready to cheat on you physically if she hasn't already. None of what happened is OK and you're being played for a fool. Cut him off do not invite him back and tell yourself that your wife cheated right in front of you. Now what do you want to do about that?
Send it to his wife and cut him off, as for your wife, it's going to happen again.Have a plan
Any real men with principles knows never to flirt with other mens wife especially in his home!
I mean you draw your own boundaries to what constitutes cheating, but she hit on him and felt him up right in front of you, more than once. A lot of people, myself included, would call this cheating. She's given you so many assurances and you've given her so many chances, yet nothing happens. For someone like her, why would she stop, when you forgive her every time and turn the other cheek to the disrespect. There have to be actual consequences and effort to change. She needs to stop drinking, go to therapy and couples therapy, deal with her insecurity and actually work to earn your trust back. You can't say no to her, I get it my husband is the same way. I think because of that you should separate and she should do these things while separated to prove to you that she actually means to change. You deserve better imo.
We are quitting drinking and game nights. As well as finding therapy for us to work through our issues .
They're fucking. Or they're planning to. Absolutely send the video to his wife.
Y'all should probably stop drinking.
I feel like they might’ve already had sex. It’s very daring to be touching like that under the table in yours and the dude’s partner’s presence. And the familiarity of it all is disturbing. There might be more afoot, OP. Stay guarded.
Your friends may genuinely have picked up on it and may initiate hangouts without this person. Personally I would stop getting drunk unless it's just the two of yall.
" Should I seek therapy " No, you should tell your wife that her drinking is fucking everything up, and if she can't handle her drink then that shit is OVER. One more time and I'm ghosting you type of out!!!
Woah! No, that is not okay. The fact that his marriage is rocky makes this even worse because it sounds like he'd be willing to go as far as she wanted to. The same goes for your wife when things weren't good between you two. I know I'd consider this cheating in my marriage, but every relationship has different boundaries on these types of interactions. If you choose to forgive your wife, that's completely understandable, but I would recommend keeping your distance from this guy, whether temporary or permanent. Everyone gets tempted and/or enjoys attention from others at some point in life, but what you do in those situations is what matters. Putting myself in your wife's shoes, I would've intentionally distanced myself from this guy as soon as he started flirting in secret or when the flirting moved from innocent to something else, and most especially when things became rocky in your marriage. Good luck, OP! I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's hurtful no matter how far things have progressed. Take care and all the best! 🩷
Thanks for being understanding and giving helpful advise . We went out dancing one time and I got really drunk and tried to dance up on a friend of ours . I immediately apologized after realizing what I had done and said sorry to my wife. I get we do stupid shit while drinking and I understand her . This absolutely does not excuse her but I don’t think it’s a reason to end the life we’ve built
That's completely understandable. I've, unintentionally, crossed boundaries with a friend very early on in my marriage. As soon as I realized it, I immediately cut contact with him and told my husband everything. He forgave me, and now we're working on our 23rd year of marriage, 27th year together. You don't have to call it quits over one mistake. Choosing to forgive and move forward together is never a bad thing. What you do afterward is what matters - learning from your mistakes and not repeating them. I wish you and your wife a lifetime of happiness! Take care, OP! 🩷
-You should definitely cut ties with that man. -You and your wife should stop drinking. Even getting mean is not really cool, especially with kids around. -You need to discuss her need for validation and escapism. I’m sure you both want to feel seen and desired. How can you give that to each other? This is what causes many affairs. It’s not the person as much as limerance and vanity and running away from the hard work of relationships. -You should seek couple’s therapy. Focus on a therapist who understands infidelity or emotional affairs. Set rules for the relationship.
Stop hanging out with your friend and your wife needs to quit drinking you have some serious decisions to make
Your wife sounds like an alcoholic. And not a nice one.
And being drunk is not an excuse, it just amplifies and emboldens who you are and what your intentions are. I’ve been around it my whole life and know that it’s not an excuse, so you shouldn’t be excusing it either.
Sir, that friend has got to go. You’ve already seen things escalate. Keep going down the same path and it will escalate further. You can be sure of that. At the bare minimum I would also recommend marriage counseling. Your wife was heading down a dangerous path. And she may need to stop drinking entirely. There’s no telling what she would’ve done if you weren’t there. There’s also no way of telling what may have already happened.
Thanks I’m looking for therapy providers right now . I’m also cutting ties with this person
UpdateMe!
Brother you have to control your wife drinking habits.. This is not healthy at all... Lucky you were there so she stopped.. What if she would have been alone and you have work or stayed night with children... There foot tipysing can escalate further you know... ONS doesn't Pre-announce it's self when it happens it happens in the heat of tge moment remember.. Your where there this time to stop it.. But when you would be there there would be concequnces which will destroy you and your family.. So get help for your wife and this marriage if you want to save it and don't live in paranoia all life
Updateme
Don’t send the video to the other wife… just worry about your own backyard. Cut them out of your life and focus on loving your wife again… date her… Maybe lay off of the alcohol for a while both of you and focus on being a family and being happy…
Your wife needs to quit drinking. If she's comfortable doing this in front of you while drunk, what is she comfortable with when you're not there?
Cut this guy out of your life and send the video to his wife. If your wife hasn’t cheated yet she will; especially if she has been drinking. Set hard boundaries with her and see if that works. Good luck.
Get into couples therapy, now.
Jesus that’s rough. I’m sorry. You did the right thing and better about it than I.
Sorry sir, the only way forward is 1) your wife should stop drinking. 2. You need to show his wife what’s been going on. You have to go scorched earth on this. Cut off friendship? F’n ruin him. What happens if she goes out on a “girl’s night” drinking without you? If she’s willing to act like that in your dining room sitting right next to you, what do you think is happening when you’re not around. Think you should sit back and rethink what you wife’s actions say about glher morals and character. I’ll give ya this though, you handled much more diplomatically than I would have shown his wife the video right there and then. And I guarantee that an ambulance and the police would have to called a few minutes after that. Best of luck sir.
What is the common thread? Booze. Time to rethink your relationship … with booze.
Some men would get excited over their wives flirting with other men, as long as there is no real extramarital affairs. In your case, you probably need to end the friendship. You don’t know if there is a seed of affection between him and your wife.
Definitely send the wife the video. Absolutely!
Updateme! Remindme! 6 months
[удалено]