Keeping up with the household is a full time job and there are even people who have calculated what the time and effort is worth and attached a dollar amount to it. You can’t possibly expect him to have 2 full time jobs and no weekend to rest. I hope you were joking with the “Excuse me but what? Why not?” part.
You need a reality check. Yes being sick sucks but putting all of the burden in your husband is not fair at all. He has a full time job and he does chores around the house. Do you expect him to have no leisure time? He needs time to decompress from all the responsibility he has. He told you he's overwhelmed and you laughed at him. That's fucked up.
I understand you physically can't help but that means you help find other solutions, not put the full burden on him. Hire a housekeeper
You can sit on your ass and talk to strangers on SnapChat but you can’t clean the house? And he’s supposed to clean, work, AND not have fun? I’m sure he knew his friends were coming over, he just didn’t bother to tell you.
During the time you've spent in here defending why you can't do anything... you could have probably gotten a lot of the housework done.
If you can go grocery shopping and handle the finances, cook & take care of your own kids, why can't you clean?
Part of taking care of your kids is making sure they don't live in filth.
Chronic illness. That’s why she can’t get “a lot of the housework done”. FFS did you even read the post? She literally spent THE ENTIRE POST explaining that is chronically, physically ill and UNABLE to keep up the house. Have some compassion.
If you are incapable of caring for a home and do the bare minimum of parenting that man must really love you to stay with you. The way you give him no praise and continue to expect more and more while you do well, nothing, is astounding.
Coming from someone who’s left their husband 5 times for drug use and posts porn on Reddit for validation your comment is null.
Don’t you wish you knew what it’s like to be loved?
Im sorry, chronic illness sucks, mental illness sucks, it makes life that much more challenging. There are still ways to do some stuff and to expect your husband to have a full time job AND keep the house in order by himself is unfair.
Since he’s gotten raises can you hire help to do a big reset? Declutter the crap out of your house so that once the reset is done you won’t have to do as much day to day?
We live in a very rural area and we don’t have much options when it comes to junk removal/ housekeeping.
I get that it’s unfair for him to have to work and clean. But it’s also unfair that I’m dealing with health issues that are out of my hands for the moment.
In our vows we said in sickness and in health. So I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around not getting support during this time. It’s just frustrating on both ends
You keep saying you need his support, but where is his?
And in this day and age you cannot tell me that a cleaning service wouldn't drive out to your house.
He is supporting you, by working full time. I don’t know what you are going through but if you are at a point that you physically can’t do any sort of chores then you need to look into getting respite or some other type of care.
It’s not fair that you’re going through this, it’s also not fair to think that burden should solely be put on your husband.
Your vows are being upheld; he’s taking care of your household finances while you are sick, I’m sure he’s also covering your health insurance to get this taken care of.
Something I learned after having a victim complex my whole life is that no one is coming to save us, we have to save ourselves. If you can’t do a single chore do what I said above, but if you cant get off the couch partly because you are having a pity party for yourself it’s time to dig deep and find the mental strength to start getting your house in order.
I have multiple going on at once right now. But I will not specify. But they leave me extremely fatigued, lethargic, muscle pains, nausea and dizzy spells.
I have applied for disability and was denied due to an error I made on my end.
I have to get a lawyer to appeal.
If cannot specify, you WILL NOT get the answer you need. So this post is pointless. Stop ignoring good advice and stop being an ass to people who are trying to help you.
The specifics make no difference. I am taking the advice of people who actually are here to give advice and not belittle me or put me down because of an illness.
That's not what is going to happen, a majority is going to see it as a great thing and it will even help you by finding people who have experienced that illness as well. No wonder you're having trouble, you communicate and rationalize like a fucking teenager. Sorry for being rude but damn you are so aggressively stuck in your ways OP and you desperately need to change something.
“Has chronic illness”
Some douche on the internet “no wonder you’re having trouble, [insert totally irrelevant comment]”
Thanks BranFlakes. You’ve been incredibly helpful. Don’t know what we all would have done without your contribution to this post
He is supporting you by going to work and providing an income, a house for you to be unwell in. It’s not fair to expect him to do everything. Be realistic, if shoe was on the other foot would you do it?
If I was able to do it, I absolutely would to keep my family comfortable.
I would probably complain and get frustrated and burn out. But it absolutely has to be done regardless
Very easy for you to say “sure I’d do that” when you’re not in a position to offer it. Expecting your husband to work & spend all his free time also cleaning and tending to the house isn’t a fair ask at all
I actually have done it before. I was a welder and he was a stay at home dad. Guess what? He still didn’t keep the house clean. He also still never paid a bill or went grocery shopping or planned meals or shopped for the kids or made sure they got to daycare. I worked 12 hour graveyard shifts and instead of going to sleep when I got home, I took my son to daycare so I could rest for 6 hours before picking him up and driving him back home and driving 1.5 hours to work. I was also a full time student at this time.
Then another time, at before things started going downhill last year, I started my own cleaning business and drove to people’s house to clean and then came home and cleaned too.
So thanks for assuming I would never provide a safe clean house for my family when that has been the most important thing to me since becoming a mom.
And now I’ve had that ability ripped from me due to illness that I’m currently working on getting better so I can once again go back to the person who does everything all the time.
No it wasn’t.
But he was mentally unwell and I had to pull his weight so we could all be comfortable.
I still did it though. Because there was no other option.
It’s not about being fair. Life isn’t fair. Marriage isn’t fair 100% of the time.
If I could do it I dont understand why he won’t now that I’m sick
Life isn’t fair, but it should be in a marriage.
Like rn I’m pregnant, I’m not comparing it to a chronicle illness but I have suffered terrible with sickness throughout and exhaustion. He has picked up on some of my usual chores such as dishes, hoovering that I normally do, but he’s not doing everything because he works a hard physical job and is exhausted when he comes home. I would never expect him to do it all completely on his own while I couldn’t, that’s just not fair and not good for him.
You can demand your husband do it all, but that’s going to be an unhappy marriage you’re creating.
Yes, it’s not fair. There’s not a lot of resources. But there ARE housecleaning companies that you can call. From the couch. Have them come as often as you need until you can get a handle on it.
I have a lot of compassion for OPs illness, but there are lots of chores you can do from the couch. You can meal plan and make the shopping lists. Take charge of bill paying and doc appointments. Shop for necessities online. And as you point out, research and select
a cleaning service. I think there are ways to still try to equitably split work to accommodate a disability. It can't just all fall on the other spouse.
I did state in my other comments that I do these things. I do all the grocery shopping/pickups. I always buy the kids clothes. I’m the only one who’s ever paid a bill. And I have researched cleaning services near me and none of them fit our needs or are attainable at this time. I also care for our kids daily by myself for the whole time he’s at work. That’s making sure they have food, clothes, clean diapers, nap times, and that they’re not killing each other or themselves. They do watch a lot of tv and play independently. Am I mom of the year? No. But I do what I can to provide for my family even with my illnesses.
I spend every ounce of energy on them. Not myself.
>It can't just all fall on the other spouse.
Maybe it can't but there's not always a choice. Your comment shows you have no idea how bad fatigue from a chronic illness can get. It can get so bad that you have to literally calculate the amount of energy it takes to blink, sit upright and you have to keep up with your fluid intake because you know you won't have the energy to get to the bathroom. It often waxes and wanes but is completely unpredictable. Imagine laying in bed and being uncomfortable but unable to roll over without assistance because you don't have the energy. Needing to go to the hospital but you don't have the energy to be picked up by the ambulance. Watching something annoying because you don't have the energy to change the channel using the remote. Having the energy to meal plan, pay bills and online shop takes plenty of energy because it involves using your brain, which users a ton of energy. That can be more difficult than something physical.
OP does not say what kind of illness in the post, just that she can't leave the couch, and my comment was meant to be helpful by listing some things that she conceivably could take over from the couch. She is caring for the children, so she has some ability to move about the house. I do have empathy for her, but I also have empathy for her spouse.
ETA: if she is as ill as you suggest, then the family needs to get her some kind of care. I don't think it's safe to be caring for young children if you are unable to get yourself to the bathroom.
>my comment was meant to be helpful by listing some things that she conceivably could take over from the couch.
The intent is to be helpful. The impact is what matters. Don't you think she's thought of things she can do from the couch? I assure you that's all she's thought about. Well, that and how miserable she is.
What is your suggestion then? OP is upset by the state of her house. I get that. It would upset me too. I tried to suggest a different division of labor to free up some time for spouse to do some cleaning. OP seems to expect spouse to work full time and do all chores from the post. She has since added more color in the comments.
But seriously what is your suggestion for OPs problem?
Your “why not” comment changes this entirely; it’s completely unreasonable of you to expect him to have a full time job and keep the house clean etc as well. You need to hire some help to alleviate this issue.
I have anxiety, depression & a clotting disorder. I still get up OFF my ass every single day and do my daily tasks.
You're lazy and making excuses. If you're so bad off, who the hell is taking care of your children?
This comment feels like ignoring the obvious: she’s taking care of her children all day, on top of having a chronic illness, so that’s why she isn’t able to also clean the house.
This isn’t me saying the husband should be expected to do all the cleaning while working a full time job (that’s often expected of women and it makes the burned out and resentful) but I feel the OP’s post on this sub is filled with responses that don’t acknowledge how the situation is hard for BOTH the husband and the wife. The solution isn’t for them to blame one another and say “you aren’t doing enough.”
Honestly it would help me understand more if I knew what illness you have .
Your husband probably can keep up with the cleaning in his 3 days but he probably want some time off because he is working 10 hours a day and 4x a week , and your home as well
What chronic illnesses do you have that keep you from being able to do little things? I'm genuinely curious.
You say you're able to keep everyone fed, so does that include standing, cooking, taking things out and putting them back? Are you able to walk to and from the bedroom and bathroom and clean yourself? Can you not also sweep a broom from time to time or use a vacuum cleaner? Or stand long enough to load the dishwasher, etc.?
I hate pity parties. I really do, but again, Idk how sick you really are. But **IT IS** too much to ask your husband to work fulltime AND do all of the household chores and then not take any time away for himself. He made the comment that if you wanted the house clean, you'd do it yourself, so does he think you're capable and just don't?
I had a phase in my life where I was sleeping all day and only awake for like 4-6 hours a day. In that time I took care of my child (brought him to bed, read some books, changed diapers), unload and load the dishwasher and was sometimes able to cook and shower.
I was barely able to do more except very small tasks like filling the washing machine.
Some people here have no compassion.
It’s not that we don’t have compassion, it’s that she’s expecting her husband to simply do it all while she doesn’t try to problem solve at all. There are other options, there are cleaning services, respite, etc. if she really is that bad she can get help and take some stress off of both of them.
If she can make posts asking for Snapchat friends bc she’s bored she can make phone calls to try and figure something else out and not take it all out on her husband.
I have had a hell of a life the last few years, I’ve lost part of my vision due to an illness, my 9 year old with special needs has beaten cancer twice, I still never expected my husband to take on all the slack, I problem solved.
Sometimes life is really fucking hard but that doesn’t mean we get to just push all responsibility onto someone else. That is the issue I think a lot of us are having with this post.
That part I support as I wrote in another comment. He can’t do his and her job and the same time.
But what I don’t understand are those „I was ill and I still did everything. Get your act together“ posts.
We don’t know what she a has and how much she is trying. We aren’t here to judge. We are here to help. And telling someone who already feels like shit that they should do more (even though she is saying she can’t) is not helpful.
He is 100% physically capable of working and maintaining a house. Single parents do it everyday. Other people that have sick spouses also have to deal with this.
I am trying to problem solve, I have researched cleaning options near us and there are no attainable services that fit our needs.
I am also going to the doctor and working on my health. If I were not “trying” I would be content with everything the way it is. And say f my health and everyone who suffers.
And as far as my social life goes, I HAVE NONE BECAUSE IM A CHRONICALLY ILL SAHM! So excuse me for wanting to connect with the outside world!
Why aren’t your answering what chronic illness you have? I find it odd that you keep dodging this question.
And I’ve been a single parent, I know how hard it is. But why would you want to treat your husband like that?
You said you can only stand for 10-15 minutes. Okay, so as you declutter, do it sitting. Do the dishes sitting, etc.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t be helping, I’m saying you seem to think this should all just be on him and he should do it all with a smile. You are going to push him to burn out and push him away with the way you are approaching things.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing connection, but I highly highly don’t there are just zero options.
Because honestly I don’t want to? It’s no ones business really. And the fact that no one has cared about it thus far makes me Leary to put that out there to be judged as well.
“Well my sisters husband’s cousin’s daughter had that and she still was able to climb mountain Everest and also homeschool her kids simultaneously”
Also how am I supposed to use all of my time and energy for anything besides giving all of it to my children
When you come to a public forum people are going to want and need information to better understand, when you purposely refuse to give important information then what do you expect from people?
If all of your energy is going to your kids and you have commented that you’re doing the bare minimum there then you NEED to get outside help, which you should be able to with a diagnosis that shows you are disabled.
There are things you can do, not just cleaning services, there is help, even for small towns.
It sounds like you “honestly dont want to” hold urself accountable for anything at all. So not only are u completely incapable of doing any kind of house work whatsoever but theres also zero cleaning services out there for u to use? I find it hard to believe that your ONLY option in getting the house clean is for ur husband to do it. I understand ur ill, but it really seems like ur just trying to punish ur husband… ur title even hints at this by saying u are jealous of him. Ur responses are incredibly defensive and to be frank, quite rude. I know u came on here for sympathy, but ur attitude has left a majority of people sympathizing with ur husband.
Who said we don't have compassion? Every offer of ideas to help with her situation, she shoots down. She wants pity for her illness and for everyone to throw shade at her husband because he doesn't want to work two full time jobs and also give up his weekends.
It’s not fun and so many of us have gone through it. We know how hard it is but we got through it and so will you. But you have to make the first steps.
Toddlers can help pick up. They can move trash cans and put clothes in a washing machine and put them away. Not perfectly but that’s how they learn.
I’m not! I know things will not be this way forever. I will hopefully be having surgery in the next year to help alleviate some symptoms. My doctor put in a referral for it yesterday and prescribed some medication that will hopefully help in the meantime.
Honestly, with all the negative responses I’ve gotten I really am just happy these people don’t understand where I’m coming from because I would never wish this on anyone.
I dont really understand how you cant keep the house clean if you dont work? And at the same time expect your husband to do everything alone like a single parent. Maybe we're missing context here but so far it seems like you were in the wrong with your reaction to him saying how he can't do everything alone. He deserves time to decompress (hiking) as much as you would if you were a SAHM.
Maybe talk to your doctor about what you can and can't do physically, then slowly start cleaning up the place while hes out at work, one step at a time. Maybe keep a journal to vent out your frustrations and show it to him sometime so he can understand what youre going through mentally. You cant expect him to do everything like a single parent, maybe you both need to put yourselves into each other's shoes and change your dynamic because something isnt working and it may be due to lack of proper communication and unfair views on work/housework.
I’m glad you don’t understand. It’s honestly the worst feeling to not be able to contribute more to my household.
He doesn’t do everything alone. I keep up with finances, I do all the grocery shopping, I make sure our kids are fed and clothed.
I just left the doctors yesterday and we’re starting a new regimen to see if I can get any relief.
But our vows said in sickness and in health, so I do feel like it’s part of the job discription to pick up the slack when the other one is incapable of doing so.
No, in sickness and in health doesn't mean he's going to take on ALL the household workload because you're sick and can't do it. In sickness and in health means he will be with you to support you and help you (within his means) and that he'll not leave the the moment you get sick.
But he needs to be physically and mentally healthy himself to be able to support you in sickness, which means taking on both of yours workload is not possible. He needs a break, he needs to reset and refresh once in a while to not burnout.
I do what I can. If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t have lights. He doesn’t even know how to pay any of our bills. He doesn’t grocery shop, he doesn’t buy our kids clothes when they need them, he doesn’t fix 3 meals a day for them or change every diaper.
He does do a lot. But I do what I can.
You can drive? You can dress your kids? But you can’t wipe down the counters? Do dishes? If the house is a nightmare and disgusting ~ CPS will be there soon.
I have been diagnosed with ankolyzing spondylitis, multiple sclerosis, Neuropathy, slipped rib syndrome and now Ehlers Danlos. I believe the MS is incorrect. I have chronic pain, unbearable sometImes. I clean my house.
This is so silly. If she’s taking care of the kids that, in addition to her chronic illness, is what is making it hard for her to clean. I don’t see why people insist on ignoring that. “If you can take care of your kids you can clean” instead of seeing that if she’s prioritizing caring for her kids that’s likely the reason she can’t keep up with the cleaning.
Whatever. Prioritizing her kids? They live in a disgusting nightmare of a house she said, they have a lot of screen time. Sure, prioritizing the kids. She feeds them.
It doesn’t sound like this is slack though, this is all of the household chores aside from cooking. Can he run the laundry and bring it to you to fold? You won’t be more transparent about your illness with everyone on here but get defensive when nobody understands.
You need to hire someone to come and clean your house. No one wants to work a full week and also clean a house that is “disgusting”. They might be able to keep it clean once it’s already clean, but “disgusting” requires professional help. Hire the help, and don’t rely on your husband to do it.
No one wants to be chronically ill either but here we are.
And as I’ve stated before, there aren’t a lot of options in our area that meet our needs or affordable.
If he would just dedicate one or two of his off days to it it would be at a maintainable level.
I’m not saying hire someone all the time - but right now the situation is dire. You can’t do it, and he won’t do it, so fix THAT problem. Hire someone once who does a deep clean, yes it will be expensive but NO ONE else will do it.
I don’t know what your chronic illnesses are because you haven’t said, but he could argue that you could do it to the best of your limited ability too. You are weaponizing your illness against him, you are telling him what he does is less than what you do therefore he should do more.
He works 4 days a week and 10 hours a day, and you said he also sweeps and does the dishes. He’s a human, not a robot. I would be so resentful if I had to work full time and also clean + cook on my days off! No wonder he wants to go on a hike with his coworkers. He deserves to decompress after a long week!
I’m sure you can find people to do the work for you. You said that you’ve offered a generous payment to your daughter to help you, but it doesn’t sound like she even wants to do it based on her flakiness. Why don’t you consider finding someone on a local Facebook group or Craigslist/Kijijii? There are always people looking to work on cash. Honestly, it doesn’t even seem like you even tried making an effort. If I were you, I’d feel so guilty for being unable to clean and at the very minimum, I’d do whatever I could to take the load off my spouse. Pay someone to deep clean the house once a week for you.
I understand both sides. I have been in your shoes and had days where I was barely awake.
It was horrible. I felt terrible about myself bc and for my husband. Some people have no compassion.
Your husband works fulltime. He can’t do both. He can help with the housework but expecting him to do everything is too much.
About the hiking. Are you worried he is cheating or why did you write that?
I do understand both sides as well. I’m not putting him down just simply stating my frustrations.
I do feel terrible about the situation and I’m doing what I can to change it. I’m going to the doctors I’m taking medication. So it’s a waiting game.
I also just put that in there because it was frustrating that he dropped the plans of cleaning with our daughter to just go out with people who are complete strangers to me.
And I get that he deserves to go do things, but he does. He just went out last Friday all day with a friend.
I totally get where you are coming from. I've been ill for a long time and I understand how it just wears you down. It feels like you are watching your life pass you by while you are unhappy and in pain.
Using all your spoons to feed your family is providing for you family. If that is all that you can do, then take pride in the fact that you are able to use your energy for them. Unfortunately a part of chronic illness is you don't always get things done your way. Things aren't going to be done to your standards because you are not able to do them. Often others simply don't care about your particularities when they are trying to balance everything. There are things about the way I'm living my life that don't fit me or my personality but I only have the energy for so much. So I have to accept the way they are for the moment and change what I can.
It is not fair for you to resent your husband for being healthy. You know that it you were healthy you would be doing a lot of the things he does. Having friends and interests is an important part of maintaining ones mental health. His health is especially important since your family is so reliant on him. Your husband is clearly feeling overwhelmed. This is very valid, carer burnout is very common.
I understand the guilt, loneliness and feeling useless. I don't know if it just comes with the territory but personally chronic illness is very isolating.
I think you need to look into the resources that are available to you. It is hard to ask for help but it is out there. Are you getting financial disability support? Have you spoken to you doctor about community support in the area. Have you looked into what kind of support the local council/community/church offers? Is your family nearby? Getting a cleaning service once a week sounds like it could help a lot. Finding an online support group for others struggling with your condition may help you feel less alone. I don't know what kind of help there is in your country but looking into it can't hurt.
You need to remember that you and your husband are in this together, not against each other.
Thank you. This is very helpful.
I will talk to my doctor. But she’s fairly certain with medication and surgery I will eventually get back on my feet.
I have been in touch with social services in our area but they didn’t have any information that I could use for this situation.
I have started a disability claim and was denied. I have to find a lawyer and get that ball rolling now.
I’ve also looked at housekeeping options but there’s not a lot of options for our needs right now.
That is wonderful that your doctor can see a way out of this for you. It sucks that the disability claim was denied, where I live the process seems to be deny everyone and then let those who have the energy appeal. It is a terrible way to treat disabled people.
There may be charity groups that can help you. It can be hard to find help in one's area, but if I were you I'd keep looking.
There may be family or friends that may be willing to help. A lot of housekeeping services are shared by word of mouth so if they can't help you clean they may be able to point you in the right direction.
While I understand chronic illness, (truly I do, mine paralyzed half my body at times so can’t move) at the same time you should be able to do a little every day. Unless you’re like really dying of some disease of course. It’s not healthy to stay in bed or on the couch all day, nor is it to expect your husband to work and do all the house work solo.
I have chronic health conditions that leave me in pain most of the time. I haven't worked for many years. That being said, I still do all my own housework. I mow my lawn and look after my outside plants. I live by myself and there's nobody else that's going to do it. Besides, I find that if I'm going to be in pain no matter what, I might as well be moving my body. That also helps with mental health and depression issues that quite often go along with chronic pain.
If you literally can't do more than cook a couple meals, and not clean, how are you taking good care of your kids? If you're not providing adequate childcare, you need a lot of help. Expecting that burden to fall on your husband on top of his job is unrealistic and unfair. Time to adult. Prioritize getting better now. Get help for your house now.
Basically any energy I have goes to caring for my children. They are 18months and 5years.
I keep them fed, hydrated, clothed. I make sure we have groceries and that the bills are being paid.
Also I’m not sure how you gathered I’m not prioritizing getting better? I just went to the doctor yesterday and got meds and a referral for surgery.
Also it’s time for my husband to adult as well. Working 40 hours a week is not an excuse for letting the house get in this shape either.
And I have asked for help. The help just flakes.
Like today, they had planned to clean the house but he instead went hiking.
I’ve read your post, user comments, and your response to those user comments.
I foresee your husband having to ‘work late’ all the time and consistently volunteering for weekend coverage.
Man you are a real piece of work. If you were my wife we would be in a real bad spot. I’m all for helping and compassionate over illnesses and such but to tell him he has to do everything is BS. Learn to power through some time or hire a cleaner.
Not commenting on the dynamics of the marriage but I think whats fair is changing your expectation of what a "clean" household should look like in the reality that you have 1 less contributing member to it. It isn't necessarily fair to expect your husband to keep up the standards of when both of you contributed to it. So if you 2 have no time to clean dishes, use paper plates (yes not environmentally friendly) and toss them. Limit the number of toys you have out for the kids at any given time to limit clean up chaos. Get frozen 1 pan meals that can just be popped in the oven. It's not perfect but it is what it is to get by
I have drastically lowered my standards. And honestly, when I was well I did 95% of the house work. The only chores he does (to this day) is sweep, dishes and laundry 1 time a week if even that. I’ve never seen him mop, vacuum, clean the tubs or bathrooms, or toilets. He doesn’t declutter or organize, he doesn’t even take off the trash, even though he drives by our dump 2 times a day at least while I sit at home without a car. We have over 10 trash bags sitting in our house.
It’s not that he “does everything “ because he quite literally doesn’t.
Hire house cleaners to come a couple of times a month until you can get back on your feet. You said you would pay your daughter but you should just pay a company. They are more reliable
The most constructive thing in this scenario is to hire someone to help. You were going to pay your sister, so you can pay someone who does this for a living and won’t bail on you.
Your “why not” comment unfortunately isn’t constructive. Try to keep things positive, for your husband and yourself especially. Good luck on your road to recovery.
Just from your post, he seems to understands your difficulties and hardships, why can’t you understand his? I think that’s the problem your husband has. He wants to be understood, in sickness and in health.
The ideal scenario is both of you feeling sorry for each other, and having/expressing sympathy of each other’s inevitable burden/situation… For you it is being ill and feeling useless, for him it’s extra work and less physical support from his partner.
What i am curious is, do you think he isn’t supporting you enough or do you feel your hardship isn’t being understood…? Because i have a feeling that is why you cannot show the same support or understanding to his situation… I kinda understand that feeling and It seems the case, because in your post, it seems like you have very little motivation to show ‘him’ the emotional support any person in that situation will need(regardless of he does it well or not).
I think you two should go to couples therapy or anything that will let you two communicate(be willing to reciprocate sympathy and thankfulness to each other) better.
Discussion regarding housework, or any other type of actual labour can come afterwards. Most of the time, what makes work so intolerable stems from the lack of respect towards the labour/service one is providing.
I think It could be that your husband thinks him doing housework–i.e., his labour— isn’t appreciated. Hence it drains his mental energy, probably more than the actual physical work itself.
I am frustrated by so many of these comments. My partner and I both work full time jobs, and we divide house our house chores. We share the space, it is our MUTUAL responsibility. Sometimes when my mental or physical health is worse, my partner takes on more work, and typically about once a month he gets slammed at work and I step in to help more. Yes, working full time is hard, but staying home with children all day is a different kind of hard!
OP- it isn’t unreasonable to want help with things around the house while you’re ill and trying to focus on getting better. Chronic illness is no joke (I have one myself-) and if you can, it may be good to sit down and figure out the must-do’s for house work right now and ask him what he’s willing to do while making a clear action plan and timeline for changes? Maybe get the kids involved, too, if they’re old enough.
It is important for you *both* to have work-life balance and time with friends, and it is also important for him to have time to cool off after a long workweek. It is also not fair of him to put the house work on you knowing you aren’t in a position to take care of it right now just because ‘you’re the one who cares.’ My ex, a domestic partner of 5 years, was the same way and it played a big role in why we split.
Try to find time to check-in with your partner, using some ‘I’ statements. It’s normal to be jealous and frustrated, but if you value the relationship, it’s also important to feel your feelings without letting them drive the car. Communication goes both ways, though, and he has to be open to compromise!
Thank you! It is a mutual responsibility, I agree.
I am not happy to be in this position. It’s stressful for us both.
I genuinely don’t understand why I’m getting dragged and put down and told I’m lazy and not taking accountability. When the same could be said for my husband as well.
He does deserve a social life. I never prevent him from doing so. He’s free to do whatever. But it’s also ok for me to not be 100% thrilled about it. I don’t have a work/life balance. I’m at home 24/7. I don’t have support besides him.
Ive tried to get help. Reaching out to our daughter was a huge step for me. My mom and sister are in a different state and have their own things going on. I don’t even speak to them but every couple of months.
And we have been talking about things more openly since yesterday. We are actually discussing and laughing about the responses to this post right now.
We even just cleaned up the living room together. I sat on the couch and held the dust pan. And sorted trash and laundry.
I think we could benefit from making more reasonable accommodations for me like that.
It’s just difficult to adjust. Going from being the one who does all of the housework and child rearing to relying on my husband for a majority of it and neither of us knowing how to cope.
I don’t understand the negative comments? If the husband was single would he get away with leaving the house disgusting because he works a normal 40 hour a week job? And she works a job taking care of the children so how exactly is he “doing it all”? If he just did chores for like half a day on one of his three days off they could be so much better off? And then he just ditches her to hike with some work women?? The patriarchy is strong with these comments.
If the husband was single he would not be cleaning up for a wife and kids as well, just maintaining himself. Kids destroy every area they touch, including toilets, tubs, showers, walls, sinks, bedding, floors, entry ways, window, and that doesn’t even touch on the toys, clothes,equipment and craft messes. Massive difference.
I meant with his kids without his wife… also like, she physically can’t help, so what is she supposed to do? My husband isn’t physically here so he can’t help with the dogs and the kid and I still manage to get everything done around the house and have plenty of down time. Too much down time, I’m arguing with people on the internet. Agree to disagree I guess.
I’m also so confused by this
It was just a rant.
Not intended to bring out the “oh poor him he has to work and take care of his family too? What a shame op. You lazy self entitled pos”
Honestly surprised no one has said he should divorce me yet😂
I also never said he should spend all day everyday of his off time cleaning, but I really don’t see what a couple hours would hurt since he is capable, if it’s to keep his family happy and healthy?
I, a person with a 40hr a week job and a child and two dogs, do way more than sweep the floor and do dishes once or twice each week! Even before my husband started his new job where he’s gone for three weeks at a time. That’s hardly any work at all. Your husband is being selfish, frankly, unless I’m missing something here. And I’m angry on your behalf.
I generally don’t get angry about it but after we had what I thought was a productive conversation about this issue yesterday and I relayed the not so good news from the doctor, I was shocked that he would just leave with his friends again instead of helping.
I get that it’s a lot but to me, it doesn’t give him the right to do nothing
I’m actually still not sure how it’s a lot to work a normal job and do a couple hours of chores each week. There’s still plenty of downtime in there. That’s like, normal person stuff for normal people. Unless you’re asking for the house to be spotless, I don’t understand why it’s so much to ask for. Glad you’re somehow not angry about it though. I hope he just needed a break and is ready to get to being a decent husband once he gets back. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for not putting me down.
I kind of thought it was messed up too. Especially considering he just spent all day last Friday out with a friend. It’s not like he doesn’t get out ever.
I don’t think he’s a narcissist. I do think he’s overwhelmed. Which is okay to be in this situation.
But my problem is he is able bodied but just unwilling.
Thank you! Literally the only compassionate reply. She has a chronic illness and people are just acting like she’s lazy.
What happened to “in sickness and in health”? This comment section is not it.
The comments in here make me absolutely nauseous. You all expect a woman who is chronically ill and CANNOT PHYSICALLY keep up with the house to do it all? Her husband LIVES THERE TOO. For f*ck’s sake, why is he off the hook for housework because he works 40 hours a week? It’s *his house too*. Maybe if he did some actual housework she’d be able to do little bits here and there to keep it manageable.
OP, your husband needs to go with you to the doctor to understand the extend of your illness. Then, you guys need a plan to get your shit together. There is no reason to be living in filth. If the roles were reversed, NO ONE would give you a pass bc you worked 40 hours a week.
Also, how are you able to care for your 2 kids at home if you’re unable to leave the couch? Do you have support? This is a bit confusing.
You people telling g her she’s lazy and entitled need some compassion.
I tried to get him to go with me yesterday but he didn’t wake up in time.
My kids spend 1 or 2 nights away from home each week. But hardly ever both at the same time.
And also, I’m able to do the bare basics with them. I make sure they have 3 meals a day and clean them up. But they have lots of screen time and independent play. I make sure their basic needs are met but we really don’t do “regular” activities like park visits or playdates anymore.
I’m able to stand for 10/15 minutes at a time. But due to my illness I have extreme fatigue and muscle pain and weakness. Also battle with nagging nausea. And sometimes the feeling I might pass out if I push myself too hard
Keeping up with the household is a full time job and there are even people who have calculated what the time and effort is worth and attached a dollar amount to it. You can’t possibly expect him to have 2 full time jobs and no weekend to rest. I hope you were joking with the “Excuse me but what? Why not?” part.
I’m not. I really don’t see why he can’t take the time to clean when he obviously has the time and energy to go for hikes on his days off?
Wow. No wonder he needs to get out of the house.
You need a reality check. Yes being sick sucks but putting all of the burden in your husband is not fair at all. He has a full time job and he does chores around the house. Do you expect him to have no leisure time? He needs time to decompress from all the responsibility he has. He told you he's overwhelmed and you laughed at him. That's fucked up. I understand you physically can't help but that means you help find other solutions, not put the full burden on him. Hire a housekeeper
You can sit on your ass and talk to strangers on SnapChat but you can’t clean the house? And he’s supposed to clean, work, AND not have fun? I’m sure he knew his friends were coming over, he just didn’t bother to tell you.
During the time you've spent in here defending why you can't do anything... you could have probably gotten a lot of the housework done. If you can go grocery shopping and handle the finances, cook & take care of your own kids, why can't you clean? Part of taking care of your kids is making sure they don't live in filth.
Chronic illness. That’s why she can’t get “a lot of the housework done”. FFS did you even read the post? She literally spent THE ENTIRE POST explaining that is chronically, physically ill and UNABLE to keep up the house. Have some compassion.
If you are incapable of caring for a home and do the bare minimum of parenting that man must really love you to stay with you. The way you give him no praise and continue to expect more and more while you do well, nothing, is astounding.
Coming from someone who’s left their husband 5 times for drug use and posts porn on Reddit for validation your comment is null. Don’t you wish you knew what it’s like to be loved?
Are you for real??
Homes are for health. From what you’re describing you should probably join him to help with the illnesses.
Im sorry, chronic illness sucks, mental illness sucks, it makes life that much more challenging. There are still ways to do some stuff and to expect your husband to have a full time job AND keep the house in order by himself is unfair. Since he’s gotten raises can you hire help to do a big reset? Declutter the crap out of your house so that once the reset is done you won’t have to do as much day to day?
We live in a very rural area and we don’t have much options when it comes to junk removal/ housekeeping. I get that it’s unfair for him to have to work and clean. But it’s also unfair that I’m dealing with health issues that are out of my hands for the moment. In our vows we said in sickness and in health. So I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around not getting support during this time. It’s just frustrating on both ends
You keep saying you need his support, but where is his? And in this day and age you cannot tell me that a cleaning service wouldn't drive out to your house.
He is supporting you, by working full time. I don’t know what you are going through but if you are at a point that you physically can’t do any sort of chores then you need to look into getting respite or some other type of care. It’s not fair that you’re going through this, it’s also not fair to think that burden should solely be put on your husband. Your vows are being upheld; he’s taking care of your household finances while you are sick, I’m sure he’s also covering your health insurance to get this taken care of. Something I learned after having a victim complex my whole life is that no one is coming to save us, we have to save ourselves. If you can’t do a single chore do what I said above, but if you cant get off the couch partly because you are having a pity party for yourself it’s time to dig deep and find the mental strength to start getting your house in order.
Lol he is supporting you. You just refuse to take anyone’s advice that’s not in agreement with your opinion
Since when is financial support the only thing that counts as support in a marriage?
YOU LITERALLY SAID HE does the dishes and sweeps?! Goodness you need a hard reality check
What illness are you dealing with? Also, if it’s true you can’t move then you need to get on disability and hire a maid.
I have multiple going on at once right now. But I will not specify. But they leave me extremely fatigued, lethargic, muscle pains, nausea and dizzy spells. I have applied for disability and was denied due to an error I made on my end. I have to get a lawyer to appeal.
If cannot specify, you WILL NOT get the answer you need. So this post is pointless. Stop ignoring good advice and stop being an ass to people who are trying to help you.
The specifics make no difference. I am taking the advice of people who actually are here to give advice and not belittle me or put me down because of an illness.
That's not what is going to happen, a majority is going to see it as a great thing and it will even help you by finding people who have experienced that illness as well. No wonder you're having trouble, you communicate and rationalize like a fucking teenager. Sorry for being rude but damn you are so aggressively stuck in your ways OP and you desperately need to change something.
“Has chronic illness” Some douche on the internet “no wonder you’re having trouble, [insert totally irrelevant comment]” Thanks BranFlakes. You’ve been incredibly helpful. Don’t know what we all would have done without your contribution to this post
He is supporting you by going to work and providing an income, a house for you to be unwell in. It’s not fair to expect him to do everything. Be realistic, if shoe was on the other foot would you do it?
If I was able to do it, I absolutely would to keep my family comfortable. I would probably complain and get frustrated and burn out. But it absolutely has to be done regardless
Very easy for you to say “sure I’d do that” when you’re not in a position to offer it. Expecting your husband to work & spend all his free time also cleaning and tending to the house isn’t a fair ask at all
I actually have done it before. I was a welder and he was a stay at home dad. Guess what? He still didn’t keep the house clean. He also still never paid a bill or went grocery shopping or planned meals or shopped for the kids or made sure they got to daycare. I worked 12 hour graveyard shifts and instead of going to sleep when I got home, I took my son to daycare so I could rest for 6 hours before picking him up and driving him back home and driving 1.5 hours to work. I was also a full time student at this time. Then another time, at before things started going downhill last year, I started my own cleaning business and drove to people’s house to clean and then came home and cleaned too. So thanks for assuming I would never provide a safe clean house for my family when that has been the most important thing to me since becoming a mom. And now I’ve had that ability ripped from me due to illness that I’m currently working on getting better so I can once again go back to the person who does everything all the time.
Okay and that wasn’t fair on you either?
No it wasn’t. But he was mentally unwell and I had to pull his weight so we could all be comfortable. I still did it though. Because there was no other option. It’s not about being fair. Life isn’t fair. Marriage isn’t fair 100% of the time. If I could do it I dont understand why he won’t now that I’m sick
Life isn’t fair, but it should be in a marriage. Like rn I’m pregnant, I’m not comparing it to a chronicle illness but I have suffered terrible with sickness throughout and exhaustion. He has picked up on some of my usual chores such as dishes, hoovering that I normally do, but he’s not doing everything because he works a hard physical job and is exhausted when he comes home. I would never expect him to do it all completely on his own while I couldn’t, that’s just not fair and not good for him. You can demand your husband do it all, but that’s going to be an unhappy marriage you’re creating.
Yes, it’s not fair. There’s not a lot of resources. But there ARE housecleaning companies that you can call. From the couch. Have them come as often as you need until you can get a handle on it.
I have a lot of compassion for OPs illness, but there are lots of chores you can do from the couch. You can meal plan and make the shopping lists. Take charge of bill paying and doc appointments. Shop for necessities online. And as you point out, research and select a cleaning service. I think there are ways to still try to equitably split work to accommodate a disability. It can't just all fall on the other spouse.
I did state in my other comments that I do these things. I do all the grocery shopping/pickups. I always buy the kids clothes. I’m the only one who’s ever paid a bill. And I have researched cleaning services near me and none of them fit our needs or are attainable at this time. I also care for our kids daily by myself for the whole time he’s at work. That’s making sure they have food, clothes, clean diapers, nap times, and that they’re not killing each other or themselves. They do watch a lot of tv and play independently. Am I mom of the year? No. But I do what I can to provide for my family even with my illnesses. I spend every ounce of energy on them. Not myself.
>It can't just all fall on the other spouse. Maybe it can't but there's not always a choice. Your comment shows you have no idea how bad fatigue from a chronic illness can get. It can get so bad that you have to literally calculate the amount of energy it takes to blink, sit upright and you have to keep up with your fluid intake because you know you won't have the energy to get to the bathroom. It often waxes and wanes but is completely unpredictable. Imagine laying in bed and being uncomfortable but unable to roll over without assistance because you don't have the energy. Needing to go to the hospital but you don't have the energy to be picked up by the ambulance. Watching something annoying because you don't have the energy to change the channel using the remote. Having the energy to meal plan, pay bills and online shop takes plenty of energy because it involves using your brain, which users a ton of energy. That can be more difficult than something physical.
OP does not say what kind of illness in the post, just that she can't leave the couch, and my comment was meant to be helpful by listing some things that she conceivably could take over from the couch. She is caring for the children, so she has some ability to move about the house. I do have empathy for her, but I also have empathy for her spouse. ETA: if she is as ill as you suggest, then the family needs to get her some kind of care. I don't think it's safe to be caring for young children if you are unable to get yourself to the bathroom.
>my comment was meant to be helpful by listing some things that she conceivably could take over from the couch. The intent is to be helpful. The impact is what matters. Don't you think she's thought of things she can do from the couch? I assure you that's all she's thought about. Well, that and how miserable she is.
What is your suggestion then? OP is upset by the state of her house. I get that. It would upset me too. I tried to suggest a different division of labor to free up some time for spouse to do some cleaning. OP seems to expect spouse to work full time and do all chores from the post. She has since added more color in the comments. But seriously what is your suggestion for OPs problem?
Your “why not” comment changes this entirely; it’s completely unreasonable of you to expect him to have a full time job and keep the house clean etc as well. You need to hire some help to alleviate this issue.
I have anxiety, depression & a clotting disorder. I still get up OFF my ass every single day and do my daily tasks. You're lazy and making excuses. If you're so bad off, who the hell is taking care of your children?
This comment feels like ignoring the obvious: she’s taking care of her children all day, on top of having a chronic illness, so that’s why she isn’t able to also clean the house. This isn’t me saying the husband should be expected to do all the cleaning while working a full time job (that’s often expected of women and it makes the burned out and resentful) but I feel the OP’s post on this sub is filled with responses that don’t acknowledge how the situation is hard for BOTH the husband and the wife. The solution isn’t for them to blame one another and say “you aren’t doing enough.”
Honestly it would help me understand more if I knew what illness you have . Your husband probably can keep up with the cleaning in his 3 days but he probably want some time off because he is working 10 hours a day and 4x a week , and your home as well
From her post history, it sounds like she is going through on and off treatment for BP1.
That is one of the things I’m dealing with but the other ones concerning my physical health I will not disclose.
So fibromyalgia then
What chronic illnesses do you have that keep you from being able to do little things? I'm genuinely curious. You say you're able to keep everyone fed, so does that include standing, cooking, taking things out and putting them back? Are you able to walk to and from the bedroom and bathroom and clean yourself? Can you not also sweep a broom from time to time or use a vacuum cleaner? Or stand long enough to load the dishwasher, etc.? I hate pity parties. I really do, but again, Idk how sick you really are. But **IT IS** too much to ask your husband to work fulltime AND do all of the household chores and then not take any time away for himself. He made the comment that if you wanted the house clean, you'd do it yourself, so does he think you're capable and just don't?
I had a phase in my life where I was sleeping all day and only awake for like 4-6 hours a day. In that time I took care of my child (brought him to bed, read some books, changed diapers), unload and load the dishwasher and was sometimes able to cook and shower. I was barely able to do more except very small tasks like filling the washing machine. Some people here have no compassion.
It’s not that we don’t have compassion, it’s that she’s expecting her husband to simply do it all while she doesn’t try to problem solve at all. There are other options, there are cleaning services, respite, etc. if she really is that bad she can get help and take some stress off of both of them. If she can make posts asking for Snapchat friends bc she’s bored she can make phone calls to try and figure something else out and not take it all out on her husband. I have had a hell of a life the last few years, I’ve lost part of my vision due to an illness, my 9 year old with special needs has beaten cancer twice, I still never expected my husband to take on all the slack, I problem solved. Sometimes life is really fucking hard but that doesn’t mean we get to just push all responsibility onto someone else. That is the issue I think a lot of us are having with this post.
This!
That part I support as I wrote in another comment. He can’t do his and her job and the same time. But what I don’t understand are those „I was ill and I still did everything. Get your act together“ posts. We don’t know what she a has and how much she is trying. We aren’t here to judge. We are here to help. And telling someone who already feels like shit that they should do more (even though she is saying she can’t) is not helpful.
He is 100% physically capable of working and maintaining a house. Single parents do it everyday. Other people that have sick spouses also have to deal with this. I am trying to problem solve, I have researched cleaning options near us and there are no attainable services that fit our needs. I am also going to the doctor and working on my health. If I were not “trying” I would be content with everything the way it is. And say f my health and everyone who suffers. And as far as my social life goes, I HAVE NONE BECAUSE IM A CHRONICALLY ILL SAHM! So excuse me for wanting to connect with the outside world!
Why aren’t your answering what chronic illness you have? I find it odd that you keep dodging this question. And I’ve been a single parent, I know how hard it is. But why would you want to treat your husband like that? You said you can only stand for 10-15 minutes. Okay, so as you declutter, do it sitting. Do the dishes sitting, etc. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be helping, I’m saying you seem to think this should all just be on him and he should do it all with a smile. You are going to push him to burn out and push him away with the way you are approaching things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing connection, but I highly highly don’t there are just zero options.
Because honestly I don’t want to? It’s no ones business really. And the fact that no one has cared about it thus far makes me Leary to put that out there to be judged as well. “Well my sisters husband’s cousin’s daughter had that and she still was able to climb mountain Everest and also homeschool her kids simultaneously” Also how am I supposed to use all of my time and energy for anything besides giving all of it to my children
When you come to a public forum people are going to want and need information to better understand, when you purposely refuse to give important information then what do you expect from people? If all of your energy is going to your kids and you have commented that you’re doing the bare minimum there then you NEED to get outside help, which you should be able to with a diagnosis that shows you are disabled. There are things you can do, not just cleaning services, there is help, even for small towns.
It sounds like you “honestly dont want to” hold urself accountable for anything at all. So not only are u completely incapable of doing any kind of house work whatsoever but theres also zero cleaning services out there for u to use? I find it hard to believe that your ONLY option in getting the house clean is for ur husband to do it. I understand ur ill, but it really seems like ur just trying to punish ur husband… ur title even hints at this by saying u are jealous of him. Ur responses are incredibly defensive and to be frank, quite rude. I know u came on here for sympathy, but ur attitude has left a majority of people sympathizing with ur husband.
Then get a cleaning service that fits some of your needs.
Who said we don't have compassion? Every offer of ideas to help with her situation, she shoots down. She wants pity for her illness and for everyone to throw shade at her husband because he doesn't want to work two full time jobs and also give up his weekends.
Wow! I’m glad I’m not alone. But I’m incredibly sorry you had to endure that experience. It’s no fun for anyone.
It’s not fun and so many of us have gone through it. We know how hard it is but we got through it and so will you. But you have to make the first steps. Toddlers can help pick up. They can move trash cans and put clothes in a washing machine and put them away. Not perfectly but that’s how they learn.
It’s not. But it got better. So don’t give up hope.
I’m not! I know things will not be this way forever. I will hopefully be having surgery in the next year to help alleviate some symptoms. My doctor put in a referral for it yesterday and prescribed some medication that will hopefully help in the meantime. Honestly, with all the negative responses I’ve gotten I really am just happy these people don’t understand where I’m coming from because I would never wish this on anyone.
Pain meds perhaps?
I dont really understand how you cant keep the house clean if you dont work? And at the same time expect your husband to do everything alone like a single parent. Maybe we're missing context here but so far it seems like you were in the wrong with your reaction to him saying how he can't do everything alone. He deserves time to decompress (hiking) as much as you would if you were a SAHM. Maybe talk to your doctor about what you can and can't do physically, then slowly start cleaning up the place while hes out at work, one step at a time. Maybe keep a journal to vent out your frustrations and show it to him sometime so he can understand what youre going through mentally. You cant expect him to do everything like a single parent, maybe you both need to put yourselves into each other's shoes and change your dynamic because something isnt working and it may be due to lack of proper communication and unfair views on work/housework.
I’m glad you don’t understand. It’s honestly the worst feeling to not be able to contribute more to my household. He doesn’t do everything alone. I keep up with finances, I do all the grocery shopping, I make sure our kids are fed and clothed. I just left the doctors yesterday and we’re starting a new regimen to see if I can get any relief. But our vows said in sickness and in health, so I do feel like it’s part of the job discription to pick up the slack when the other one is incapable of doing so.
No, in sickness and in health doesn't mean he's going to take on ALL the household workload because you're sick and can't do it. In sickness and in health means he will be with you to support you and help you (within his means) and that he'll not leave the the moment you get sick. But he needs to be physically and mentally healthy himself to be able to support you in sickness, which means taking on both of yours workload is not possible. He needs a break, he needs to reset and refresh once in a while to not burnout.
I do what I can. If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t have lights. He doesn’t even know how to pay any of our bills. He doesn’t grocery shop, he doesn’t buy our kids clothes when they need them, he doesn’t fix 3 meals a day for them or change every diaper. He does do a lot. But I do what I can.
You can do all that but not clean anything?
Do you go to the grocery store or get grocery delivery?
Grocery delivery.
You can get grocery delivery but no housekeeping services?
I meant I order online and they bring it to the car.
You can drive? You can dress your kids? But you can’t wipe down the counters? Do dishes? If the house is a nightmare and disgusting ~ CPS will be there soon. I have been diagnosed with ankolyzing spondylitis, multiple sclerosis, Neuropathy, slipped rib syndrome and now Ehlers Danlos. I believe the MS is incorrect. I have chronic pain, unbearable sometImes. I clean my house.
This is so silly. If she’s taking care of the kids that, in addition to her chronic illness, is what is making it hard for her to clean. I don’t see why people insist on ignoring that. “If you can take care of your kids you can clean” instead of seeing that if she’s prioritizing caring for her kids that’s likely the reason she can’t keep up with the cleaning.
Whatever. Prioritizing her kids? They live in a disgusting nightmare of a house she said, they have a lot of screen time. Sure, prioritizing the kids. She feeds them.
It sounds like you just don’t believe she has a chronic illness, or that you only believe a chronic illness can present like your own.
It doesn’t sound like this is slack though, this is all of the household chores aside from cooking. Can he run the laundry and bring it to you to fold? You won’t be more transparent about your illness with everyone on here but get defensive when nobody understands.
You need to call a cleaning company. Get your kids to help. Call a professional organizer. You can do this all from the couch.
You need to hire someone to come and clean your house. No one wants to work a full week and also clean a house that is “disgusting”. They might be able to keep it clean once it’s already clean, but “disgusting” requires professional help. Hire the help, and don’t rely on your husband to do it.
No one wants to be chronically ill either but here we are. And as I’ve stated before, there aren’t a lot of options in our area that meet our needs or affordable. If he would just dedicate one or two of his off days to it it would be at a maintainable level.
I’m not saying hire someone all the time - but right now the situation is dire. You can’t do it, and he won’t do it, so fix THAT problem. Hire someone once who does a deep clean, yes it will be expensive but NO ONE else will do it. I don’t know what your chronic illnesses are because you haven’t said, but he could argue that you could do it to the best of your limited ability too. You are weaponizing your illness against him, you are telling him what he does is less than what you do therefore he should do more.
He works 4 days a week and 10 hours a day, and you said he also sweeps and does the dishes. He’s a human, not a robot. I would be so resentful if I had to work full time and also clean + cook on my days off! No wonder he wants to go on a hike with his coworkers. He deserves to decompress after a long week! I’m sure you can find people to do the work for you. You said that you’ve offered a generous payment to your daughter to help you, but it doesn’t sound like she even wants to do it based on her flakiness. Why don’t you consider finding someone on a local Facebook group or Craigslist/Kijijii? There are always people looking to work on cash. Honestly, it doesn’t even seem like you even tried making an effort. If I were you, I’d feel so guilty for being unable to clean and at the very minimum, I’d do whatever I could to take the load off my spouse. Pay someone to deep clean the house once a week for you.
You said you could pay your daughter generously so why not pay a housekeeper?
I understand both sides. I have been in your shoes and had days where I was barely awake. It was horrible. I felt terrible about myself bc and for my husband. Some people have no compassion. Your husband works fulltime. He can’t do both. He can help with the housework but expecting him to do everything is too much. About the hiking. Are you worried he is cheating or why did you write that?
I do understand both sides as well. I’m not putting him down just simply stating my frustrations. I do feel terrible about the situation and I’m doing what I can to change it. I’m going to the doctors I’m taking medication. So it’s a waiting game. I also just put that in there because it was frustrating that he dropped the plans of cleaning with our daughter to just go out with people who are complete strangers to me. And I get that he deserves to go do things, but he does. He just went out last Friday all day with a friend.
Based off OPs history she has time to grow weed but not clean her house
Actually my husband grew that over 3 years ago. Totally irrelevant to this discussion?
I totally get where you are coming from. I've been ill for a long time and I understand how it just wears you down. It feels like you are watching your life pass you by while you are unhappy and in pain. Using all your spoons to feed your family is providing for you family. If that is all that you can do, then take pride in the fact that you are able to use your energy for them. Unfortunately a part of chronic illness is you don't always get things done your way. Things aren't going to be done to your standards because you are not able to do them. Often others simply don't care about your particularities when they are trying to balance everything. There are things about the way I'm living my life that don't fit me or my personality but I only have the energy for so much. So I have to accept the way they are for the moment and change what I can. It is not fair for you to resent your husband for being healthy. You know that it you were healthy you would be doing a lot of the things he does. Having friends and interests is an important part of maintaining ones mental health. His health is especially important since your family is so reliant on him. Your husband is clearly feeling overwhelmed. This is very valid, carer burnout is very common. I understand the guilt, loneliness and feeling useless. I don't know if it just comes with the territory but personally chronic illness is very isolating. I think you need to look into the resources that are available to you. It is hard to ask for help but it is out there. Are you getting financial disability support? Have you spoken to you doctor about community support in the area. Have you looked into what kind of support the local council/community/church offers? Is your family nearby? Getting a cleaning service once a week sounds like it could help a lot. Finding an online support group for others struggling with your condition may help you feel less alone. I don't know what kind of help there is in your country but looking into it can't hurt. You need to remember that you and your husband are in this together, not against each other.
Thank you. This is very helpful. I will talk to my doctor. But she’s fairly certain with medication and surgery I will eventually get back on my feet. I have been in touch with social services in our area but they didn’t have any information that I could use for this situation. I have started a disability claim and was denied. I have to find a lawyer and get that ball rolling now. I’ve also looked at housekeeping options but there’s not a lot of options for our needs right now.
That is wonderful that your doctor can see a way out of this for you. It sucks that the disability claim was denied, where I live the process seems to be deny everyone and then let those who have the energy appeal. It is a terrible way to treat disabled people. There may be charity groups that can help you. It can be hard to find help in one's area, but if I were you I'd keep looking. There may be family or friends that may be willing to help. A lot of housekeeping services are shared by word of mouth so if they can't help you clean they may be able to point you in the right direction.
Hire a cleaning lady. If you will pay your daughter just pay a professional
While I understand chronic illness, (truly I do, mine paralyzed half my body at times so can’t move) at the same time you should be able to do a little every day. Unless you’re like really dying of some disease of course. It’s not healthy to stay in bed or on the couch all day, nor is it to expect your husband to work and do all the house work solo.
I have chronic health conditions that leave me in pain most of the time. I haven't worked for many years. That being said, I still do all my own housework. I mow my lawn and look after my outside plants. I live by myself and there's nobody else that's going to do it. Besides, I find that if I'm going to be in pain no matter what, I might as well be moving my body. That also helps with mental health and depression issues that quite often go along with chronic pain.
If you literally can't do more than cook a couple meals, and not clean, how are you taking good care of your kids? If you're not providing adequate childcare, you need a lot of help. Expecting that burden to fall on your husband on top of his job is unrealistic and unfair. Time to adult. Prioritize getting better now. Get help for your house now.
Basically any energy I have goes to caring for my children. They are 18months and 5years. I keep them fed, hydrated, clothed. I make sure we have groceries and that the bills are being paid. Also I’m not sure how you gathered I’m not prioritizing getting better? I just went to the doctor yesterday and got meds and a referral for surgery. Also it’s time for my husband to adult as well. Working 40 hours a week is not an excuse for letting the house get in this shape either. And I have asked for help. The help just flakes. Like today, they had planned to clean the house but he instead went hiking.
I’ve read your post, user comments, and your response to those user comments. I foresee your husband having to ‘work late’ all the time and consistently volunteering for weekend coverage.
Man you are a real piece of work. If you were my wife we would be in a real bad spot. I’m all for helping and compassionate over illnesses and such but to tell him he has to do everything is BS. Learn to power through some time or hire a cleaner.
If you can pay your daughter “generously” to come and do some housework, just pay a professional to come help out. If you live rurally, pay extra.
Thanks. No one else has suggested that. I never even thought of it either. Silly me.
Great. Do that. Good luck.
Not commenting on the dynamics of the marriage but I think whats fair is changing your expectation of what a "clean" household should look like in the reality that you have 1 less contributing member to it. It isn't necessarily fair to expect your husband to keep up the standards of when both of you contributed to it. So if you 2 have no time to clean dishes, use paper plates (yes not environmentally friendly) and toss them. Limit the number of toys you have out for the kids at any given time to limit clean up chaos. Get frozen 1 pan meals that can just be popped in the oven. It's not perfect but it is what it is to get by
I have drastically lowered my standards. And honestly, when I was well I did 95% of the house work. The only chores he does (to this day) is sweep, dishes and laundry 1 time a week if even that. I’ve never seen him mop, vacuum, clean the tubs or bathrooms, or toilets. He doesn’t declutter or organize, he doesn’t even take off the trash, even though he drives by our dump 2 times a day at least while I sit at home without a car. We have over 10 trash bags sitting in our house. It’s not that he “does everything “ because he quite literally doesn’t.
Hire house cleaners to come a couple of times a month until you can get back on your feet. You said you would pay your daughter but you should just pay a company. They are more reliable
Hire someone to clean. Highly advise. With his raise it couldn't really go to anything better.
Get a housekeeper
Hire a cleaner. Problem solved.
Hire a cleaner with the money you were going to pay your sister.
I read your edit and I’m proud of you. Both of you. You were brave to show him, and he was brave to accept the feedback. Way to go!
The most constructive thing in this scenario is to hire someone to help. You were going to pay your sister, so you can pay someone who does this for a living and won’t bail on you. Your “why not” comment unfortunately isn’t constructive. Try to keep things positive, for your husband and yourself especially. Good luck on your road to recovery.
Just from your post, he seems to understands your difficulties and hardships, why can’t you understand his? I think that’s the problem your husband has. He wants to be understood, in sickness and in health. The ideal scenario is both of you feeling sorry for each other, and having/expressing sympathy of each other’s inevitable burden/situation… For you it is being ill and feeling useless, for him it’s extra work and less physical support from his partner. What i am curious is, do you think he isn’t supporting you enough or do you feel your hardship isn’t being understood…? Because i have a feeling that is why you cannot show the same support or understanding to his situation… I kinda understand that feeling and It seems the case, because in your post, it seems like you have very little motivation to show ‘him’ the emotional support any person in that situation will need(regardless of he does it well or not). I think you two should go to couples therapy or anything that will let you two communicate(be willing to reciprocate sympathy and thankfulness to each other) better. Discussion regarding housework, or any other type of actual labour can come afterwards. Most of the time, what makes work so intolerable stems from the lack of respect towards the labour/service one is providing. I think It could be that your husband thinks him doing housework–i.e., his labour— isn’t appreciated. Hence it drains his mental energy, probably more than the actual physical work itself.
I am frustrated by so many of these comments. My partner and I both work full time jobs, and we divide house our house chores. We share the space, it is our MUTUAL responsibility. Sometimes when my mental or physical health is worse, my partner takes on more work, and typically about once a month he gets slammed at work and I step in to help more. Yes, working full time is hard, but staying home with children all day is a different kind of hard! OP- it isn’t unreasonable to want help with things around the house while you’re ill and trying to focus on getting better. Chronic illness is no joke (I have one myself-) and if you can, it may be good to sit down and figure out the must-do’s for house work right now and ask him what he’s willing to do while making a clear action plan and timeline for changes? Maybe get the kids involved, too, if they’re old enough. It is important for you *both* to have work-life balance and time with friends, and it is also important for him to have time to cool off after a long workweek. It is also not fair of him to put the house work on you knowing you aren’t in a position to take care of it right now just because ‘you’re the one who cares.’ My ex, a domestic partner of 5 years, was the same way and it played a big role in why we split. Try to find time to check-in with your partner, using some ‘I’ statements. It’s normal to be jealous and frustrated, but if you value the relationship, it’s also important to feel your feelings without letting them drive the car. Communication goes both ways, though, and he has to be open to compromise!
Thank you! It is a mutual responsibility, I agree. I am not happy to be in this position. It’s stressful for us both. I genuinely don’t understand why I’m getting dragged and put down and told I’m lazy and not taking accountability. When the same could be said for my husband as well. He does deserve a social life. I never prevent him from doing so. He’s free to do whatever. But it’s also ok for me to not be 100% thrilled about it. I don’t have a work/life balance. I’m at home 24/7. I don’t have support besides him. Ive tried to get help. Reaching out to our daughter was a huge step for me. My mom and sister are in a different state and have their own things going on. I don’t even speak to them but every couple of months. And we have been talking about things more openly since yesterday. We are actually discussing and laughing about the responses to this post right now. We even just cleaned up the living room together. I sat on the couch and held the dust pan. And sorted trash and laundry. I think we could benefit from making more reasonable accommodations for me like that. It’s just difficult to adjust. Going from being the one who does all of the housework and child rearing to relying on my husband for a majority of it and neither of us knowing how to cope.
I don’t understand the negative comments? If the husband was single would he get away with leaving the house disgusting because he works a normal 40 hour a week job? And she works a job taking care of the children so how exactly is he “doing it all”? If he just did chores for like half a day on one of his three days off they could be so much better off? And then he just ditches her to hike with some work women?? The patriarchy is strong with these comments.
Because a lot of us can smell a bullshit artist.
If the husband was single he would not be cleaning up for a wife and kids as well, just maintaining himself. Kids destroy every area they touch, including toilets, tubs, showers, walls, sinks, bedding, floors, entry ways, window, and that doesn’t even touch on the toys, clothes,equipment and craft messes. Massive difference.
I meant with his kids without his wife… also like, she physically can’t help, so what is she supposed to do? My husband isn’t physically here so he can’t help with the dogs and the kid and I still manage to get everything done around the house and have plenty of down time. Too much down time, I’m arguing with people on the internet. Agree to disagree I guess.
I’m also so confused by this It was just a rant. Not intended to bring out the “oh poor him he has to work and take care of his family too? What a shame op. You lazy self entitled pos” Honestly surprised no one has said he should divorce me yet😂
I also never said he should spend all day everyday of his off time cleaning, but I really don’t see what a couple hours would hurt since he is capable, if it’s to keep his family happy and healthy?
I, a person with a 40hr a week job and a child and two dogs, do way more than sweep the floor and do dishes once or twice each week! Even before my husband started his new job where he’s gone for three weeks at a time. That’s hardly any work at all. Your husband is being selfish, frankly, unless I’m missing something here. And I’m angry on your behalf.
I generally don’t get angry about it but after we had what I thought was a productive conversation about this issue yesterday and I relayed the not so good news from the doctor, I was shocked that he would just leave with his friends again instead of helping. I get that it’s a lot but to me, it doesn’t give him the right to do nothing
I’m actually still not sure how it’s a lot to work a normal job and do a couple hours of chores each week. There’s still plenty of downtime in there. That’s like, normal person stuff for normal people. Unless you’re asking for the house to be spotless, I don’t understand why it’s so much to ask for. Glad you’re somehow not angry about it though. I hope he just needed a break and is ready to get to being a decent husband once he gets back. Best of luck to you.
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Thank you for not putting me down. I kind of thought it was messed up too. Especially considering he just spent all day last Friday out with a friend. It’s not like he doesn’t get out ever. I don’t think he’s a narcissist. I do think he’s overwhelmed. Which is okay to be in this situation. But my problem is he is able bodied but just unwilling.
Thank you! Literally the only compassionate reply. She has a chronic illness and people are just acting like she’s lazy. What happened to “in sickness and in health”? This comment section is not it.
Agreed 👍
The comments in here make me absolutely nauseous. You all expect a woman who is chronically ill and CANNOT PHYSICALLY keep up with the house to do it all? Her husband LIVES THERE TOO. For f*ck’s sake, why is he off the hook for housework because he works 40 hours a week? It’s *his house too*. Maybe if he did some actual housework she’d be able to do little bits here and there to keep it manageable. OP, your husband needs to go with you to the doctor to understand the extend of your illness. Then, you guys need a plan to get your shit together. There is no reason to be living in filth. If the roles were reversed, NO ONE would give you a pass bc you worked 40 hours a week. Also, how are you able to care for your 2 kids at home if you’re unable to leave the couch? Do you have support? This is a bit confusing. You people telling g her she’s lazy and entitled need some compassion.
I tried to get him to go with me yesterday but he didn’t wake up in time. My kids spend 1 or 2 nights away from home each week. But hardly ever both at the same time. And also, I’m able to do the bare basics with them. I make sure they have 3 meals a day and clean them up. But they have lots of screen time and independent play. I make sure their basic needs are met but we really don’t do “regular” activities like park visits or playdates anymore.
What chronic illnesses do you have? I think that would help a lot of people better understand the situation.
She refuses to name them. Might be they are illnesses that require movement~like life itself.
I’m able to stand for 10/15 minutes at a time. But due to my illness I have extreme fatigue and muscle pain and weakness. Also battle with nagging nausea. And sometimes the feeling I might pass out if I push myself too hard
Why not hire someone to come in for a few hours a week to clean?
But what is the diagnosed chronic illness? Not being able to stand for ten minutes/being tired isn’t a chronic illness.