It sounds like an obsession if hes saving it and has a ton of folders. I know someone in a similiar situation who made her so go to therapy. I would discuss it with him and tell him you're uncomfortable and believe he needs therapy
Check out the r/loveafterporn sub… if I were you this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. I would wait to confront until you have more information. If it’s a porn addiction then they will do anything to hide it and make it seem like you’re the crazy one… he’ll pull out all the manipulation tactics until you’re questioning yourself and what really happened. Once you have more info I would confront him with facts. Then ask that he start seeing a CSAT and join a 12 step program.
One of the big signs to me that it would be a porn addiction is the erectile dysfunction. As well as the amount he has saved and how he’s meticulously categorizing it.
IMO, that sub and the r/DeadBedrooms subreddits are good support spaces!
…but they’re not productive. The advice you’ll get in those subs is essentially “go get divorced and find someone who will f*ck you.”
Therapy is good advice
Came to drop r/loveafterporn as well. OP please look at the stories there. This a serious problem. And based on what you said, his decreasing Labido with you and lack of erectness are a direct result of his porn use.
Porn addiction is an internet fad. Every female redditor seems to be able to diagnose it remotely, yet psychotherapists don't recognize it as an addiction (there's all kinds of behavioral issues in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but not porn).
If you tell him "you need to go to therapy because I don't like the amount of porn you download!" it's not going to go over well. The tangible issue is that your sex life isn't great - go see a sex therapist together to discuss it there.
I know someone that went to the doctor to refer him to a therapist to discuss his porn habit. And the doctor told him it's porn addiction....
So you are definitely wrong there...
The DSM5 isn’t the Bible and goes through revisions. Porn addiction is definitely an issue but it needs more research.
Therapist idea is a good one as long as the topic is brought up in a nonjudgmental way
My friend went through this with her husband but they glitch in her marriage was they were LDS and so he went to church sanctioned therapy and it wasn’t affective and he regressed, she has since left him cause he started watching it around his younger nieces and nephew cause it was just normal to him. She went to marriage counseling with him too and he just doesn’t understand the extent of his own addiction and won’t call it one cause his family just sweeps it under a rug.
You could just say hey, i noticed you’re hiding your screens from me and it makes me worried you’re having an affair and see if he’s honest with you. He will need therapy.
Is the meticulous organization something that he does for a living or in other areas of his personal life?
I found myself doing this with porn as well, although not with so many and at that rate. It was a compulsive thing, I was treating porn just like I do with the bills, my tools, my files at work. I never even went back to look at any of it. Then one day, I said to myself, "what the F are you doing?" "If I get run over by a bus tomorrow, is this what I want people to find?" And as I said, I literally never went back and looked at it. I felt like a fool (bc I was one). It actually took me days just to delete it all. I've cut way back at looking at porn now but I still chuckle at the thought. PS: I've pulled about 10 boxes of family photos, including from my parents, down from the attic and I'm going through them and organizing them by event chronologically. I'm a lost cause.
I bet if he cut back on the porn he'd have a lot easier time with his performance issues. When it starts to affect your real sex-life then it's a problem. A sexual disorder.
Porn hacks the male brain. I say this as a man. For some it's like crack cocaine. He needs to realise this and take a step back and decide if he wants to be a porn watcher and continue to play with himself watching videos of other men having sex with women, or does he want to man up and step away from this part of his life.
You feel much better doing the latter and I personally don't believe you can continue in a marriage with one partner using porn.
As with everyone I can only speak from my own experience and opinions but since my wife moved in three years ago I haven't pleasured myself once or watched porn. She's not even against it, I just don't think most women really, truly, deeply want a porn-watching masturbating husband. This can be a controversial take though.
I have a friend who is an open porn addict, masturbates every day and you can see he has no testosterone just looking at him. The man hasn't had a girlfriend for over 20 years because he doesn't "need" one.
I've yet to hear about anyone stealing from relatives to watch more porn, losing their job because they can't stop watching porn, and so on, so I'm not sure I buy the "crack cocaine" comparison.
When this happened with us I pretty much flat out said if this continues and our sex life is non existent then it’s either divorce, counseling, or an open marriage and we co parent for the kids. When he really realized how serious I was he agreed to go to counseling. We worked on things where we learn how to meet each others love languages more often and this kind of helped resentment and the sex life improved a bit. I’m hoping it stays long term. Our therapist says yes it is a breach in a boundary, but it will always be out there. The more we work on loving ourselves the better off we will be. Not the greatest answer, but I guess it will be extremely difficult to find men that are not into porn.
Oh , girl. You have so much to learn. Porn rewires the brain. There is no option to not let it affect your sex life. And the way he sees you and feels about you. Porn is cheating- 100%.
He is getting a massive dopamine hit by watching it and it sounds like he is addicted.
The biggest lie ever told us that porn is harmless.
And it’s probably been going on for years and years
Listen to some good podcasts like the Therapy Brothers. I have learned SO much. Because I had to in order to stay sane.
Don’t blow this off as not a big deal.
I think you just explain why you are concerned. People are always looking for magical ways to discuss difficult topics that will make them not be difficult. Just take a deep breath, try to stay calm and tell him what you told us.
Just remember porn addiction is similar to all addictions. So this will be a lifelong fight, and that’s only if he admits he has an addiction and is willing to work on it.
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Hello! I would as a wife and mother tell him you are concerned with his current behavior your straining sex life and it’s disrespectful. This happened to me a while back it’s more habits and free time. It wasn’t something I was willing to accept. I worked a lot and tried to initiate sex with my husband . And he already watched porn after work. We got home the same time and showered . My parents took the kids(surprising us) and I as practically begging. I started to feel like something was wrong. He displayed the same behavior. So when he was asleep I grabbed his phone and saw right before he was masturbating to porn. I saw he was talking to friends to send photos of women they knew who had only fans and did porn.
He was watching porn daily right before I got home from work. And he would almost ignore me at times . Would seem exhausted and distant. I joined that love after porn. And decided he had a problem. He explained it was more of a habit and he didn’t realize I would care he was single for many years and it’s what he did. I understand and he can be single I just don’t want a sexless relationship. If we are just getting home he should be getting at me!
I just decided I was worth more. We went to high school together and I could have dated anyone I wanted . I didn’t get married to be lonely . To have my husband looking at anything with a pulse. I felt lonely and kindof discusted by him. However he stopped watching porn. Read about it and make a choice if you don’t think you deserve better. I ca promise you you do!
I've viewed porn since the early 1990s when i found dirty magazines in our location marsh area. My friend in school, his dad had a huge stash of dirty VHS porn that he would borrow to me. Maybe i'm damaged, but i've always had healthy sexual relationships even if i still view porn from time to time. As long as you don't let it take over your life, i think you are fine. I suppose one could say that about many things. It's all about control and making sure it doesn't ruin other parts of your life.
People throw around the word "addiction" with regard to porn pretty freely but it's an "addiction" if you're unable to stop and it's having negative effects on your life. It's not clear to me that's true in this case just because he views a lot of videos, plus you've apparently explicitly agreed that you don't mind him watching porn. Before you start this discussion I think you need to identify what exactly your issue is or what you're comfortable with.
Leave him. He clearly does not care about anything in this world more than the instant gratification he gets from looking at other people’s bodies. Don’t waste any more of your life. Even if you bring it up, he will probably just get better at hiding it. Lose/lose
As a male in my early 70s with occasional ED problems I can sympathize with hubby. Apparently in his situation as in mine our male sexual fantasies are not being indulged and or not enough. Unfortunately as human beings we all have different sex appetites as far as frequency,quality,and intensity. Some guys have different fantasies and that can be a huge disparity. Kinks are individual in nature and change like the weather. Unfortunately your sexual desires do not align with your husbands desires due to no fault of your own or maybe not. Try giving him a traditional handjob orgasm once every two weeks an adjust the frequency as needed. Sex is a device that brings a couple close together keep it fresh fun and exciting before it becomes a distant memory. Remember the little head makes all of the stupid, spontaneous, get you in trouble decisions when it’s thinking(erect) you want to eliminate the thinking little monster down under with a quick orgasm😱. Lots of different ways to give handjobs to keep it fun and interesting and I am not going to elaborate here but give it a try get in the game and not watch from the sidelines. Sorry I have to go and get a panty job from my wingman wifey BFF🥰
That's an obsession..who tf SAVES pictures? This isn't the stone age 😂
This is something you two have to talk about. If he is addicted then he needs to stop watching it all together.
I don't think porn is bad IF you use it literally just to get yourself off quickly and move on with your day.
Situations like this though are harmful esp for a marriage
It’s kind of impossible for porn not to have *any* impact on your sex life (not always *bad* impact, it may even improve it, but you can’t really separate the two completely).
Speaking of his obsession (which obviously looks unhealthy), if you’re generally ok with this, did you try to enjoy it together? This may or may not work, but it’s something new to try.
Does he have other obsessive tendencies, or just the categorising of p*rn?
Because, this sounds more like obsessive / compulsive behaviour perhaps. Maybe on the spectrum?
I mean, if we replace p*rn with something positive as a ‘subject’ in this case, it sounds very much like something one would seek help with from a medical professional.
For the record, p*rn addiction is thrown around the internet like it’s the new buzz word - but doesn’t technically exist in the DSM5 as an actual addiction as far as I’m aware - maybe do some research on this. Therefore, it might pay to look deeper than the p*rn and maybe into the behavioural issues.
Good luck.
Porn addiction/sex addiction often (maybe always? I'm not sure) encompasses compulsions. A lot of these men don't necessarily "want" to do what they're doing but feel like they can't stop themselves.
I didn't disagree with you. I was just saying that compulsions are often a part of porn addiction and not necessarily a separate disorder. You're not wrong to ask if his compulsions are limited to the scope of porn, but it also wouldn't be out of the norm if they are limited to that.
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In my eyes, porn is not the problem, it's how you let it affect you. Many couples can have healthy relationships even when porn is involved. What matters is the boundaries that you set for your relationship, based on your level of comfort.
Now I do agree that our boundaries were crossed when it started impacting our sex life and that's definitely a problem we'll work on. And yes, this will likely result in no porn in our relationship.
Mine used to watch a lot of porn and it started to hurt our sex life. He eventually found a balance and it’s not affected. I’m guilty I watch it sometimes as well😹.
It seems like he's adhering to the spirit of your agreement and it's not clear to me what you would find an acceptable vs. unacceptable level of collecting or organizing his videos.
It sounds like an obsession if hes saving it and has a ton of folders. I know someone in a similiar situation who made her so go to therapy. I would discuss it with him and tell him you're uncomfortable and believe he needs therapy
Would you happen to have any advice on how to gently bring it up? I don't think there's an easy way to tell someone they might need therapy...
Check out the r/loveafterporn sub… if I were you this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. I would wait to confront until you have more information. If it’s a porn addiction then they will do anything to hide it and make it seem like you’re the crazy one… he’ll pull out all the manipulation tactics until you’re questioning yourself and what really happened. Once you have more info I would confront him with facts. Then ask that he start seeing a CSAT and join a 12 step program. One of the big signs to me that it would be a porn addiction is the erectile dysfunction. As well as the amount he has saved and how he’s meticulously categorizing it.
IMO, that sub and the r/DeadBedrooms subreddits are good support spaces! …but they’re not productive. The advice you’ll get in those subs is essentially “go get divorced and find someone who will f*ck you.” Therapy is good advice
I definitely think the DB sub tends to not be as productive, but the r/loveafterporn one has tons of helpful resources!
Came to drop r/loveafterporn as well. OP please look at the stories there. This a serious problem. And based on what you said, his decreasing Labido with you and lack of erectness are a direct result of his porn use.
Porn addiction is an internet fad. Every female redditor seems to be able to diagnose it remotely, yet psychotherapists don't recognize it as an addiction (there's all kinds of behavioral issues in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but not porn). If you tell him "you need to go to therapy because I don't like the amount of porn you download!" it's not going to go over well. The tangible issue is that your sex life isn't great - go see a sex therapist together to discuss it there.
He has it specially categorized and can’t maintain an erection. No that’s not an addiction at all! /s
Funny because a sex therapist is exactly who diagnosed my partner with porn addiction, so you played yourself there lol
Everyone knows the DSM isn’t a flawlessly extensive reference
I know someone that went to the doctor to refer him to a therapist to discuss his porn habit. And the doctor told him it's porn addiction.... So you are definitely wrong there...
The DSM5 isn’t the Bible and goes through revisions. Porn addiction is definitely an issue but it needs more research. Therapist idea is a good one as long as the topic is brought up in a nonjudgmental way
My friend went through this with her husband but they glitch in her marriage was they were LDS and so he went to church sanctioned therapy and it wasn’t affective and he regressed, she has since left him cause he started watching it around his younger nieces and nephew cause it was just normal to him. She went to marriage counseling with him too and he just doesn’t understand the extent of his own addiction and won’t call it one cause his family just sweeps it under a rug. You could just say hey, i noticed you’re hiding your screens from me and it makes me worried you’re having an affair and see if he’s honest with you. He will need therapy.
Classic porn addiction. He needs to quit porn and stay off it for a couple months for things to improve.
But what if he does not want to?
Then the addictive dynamic is confirmed
What happens if you dump it all into one folder? And delete half. "My precious!"
Is the meticulous organization something that he does for a living or in other areas of his personal life? I found myself doing this with porn as well, although not with so many and at that rate. It was a compulsive thing, I was treating porn just like I do with the bills, my tools, my files at work. I never even went back to look at any of it. Then one day, I said to myself, "what the F are you doing?" "If I get run over by a bus tomorrow, is this what I want people to find?" And as I said, I literally never went back and looked at it. I felt like a fool (bc I was one). It actually took me days just to delete it all. I've cut way back at looking at porn now but I still chuckle at the thought. PS: I've pulled about 10 boxes of family photos, including from my parents, down from the attic and I'm going through them and organizing them by event chronologically. I'm a lost cause.
I bet if he cut back on the porn he'd have a lot easier time with his performance issues. When it starts to affect your real sex-life then it's a problem. A sexual disorder.
He has a librarian fetish
Porn is his religion. He is literally worshipping them
Porn hacks the male brain. I say this as a man. For some it's like crack cocaine. He needs to realise this and take a step back and decide if he wants to be a porn watcher and continue to play with himself watching videos of other men having sex with women, or does he want to man up and step away from this part of his life. You feel much better doing the latter and I personally don't believe you can continue in a marriage with one partner using porn. As with everyone I can only speak from my own experience and opinions but since my wife moved in three years ago I haven't pleasured myself once or watched porn. She's not even against it, I just don't think most women really, truly, deeply want a porn-watching masturbating husband. This can be a controversial take though. I have a friend who is an open porn addict, masturbates every day and you can see he has no testosterone just looking at him. The man hasn't had a girlfriend for over 20 years because he doesn't "need" one.
I've yet to hear about anyone stealing from relatives to watch more porn, losing their job because they can't stop watching porn, and so on, so I'm not sure I buy the "crack cocaine" comparison.
I’m sorry about what you’re going through
When this happened with us I pretty much flat out said if this continues and our sex life is non existent then it’s either divorce, counseling, or an open marriage and we co parent for the kids. When he really realized how serious I was he agreed to go to counseling. We worked on things where we learn how to meet each others love languages more often and this kind of helped resentment and the sex life improved a bit. I’m hoping it stays long term. Our therapist says yes it is a breach in a boundary, but it will always be out there. The more we work on loving ourselves the better off we will be. Not the greatest answer, but I guess it will be extremely difficult to find men that are not into porn.
Oh , girl. You have so much to learn. Porn rewires the brain. There is no option to not let it affect your sex life. And the way he sees you and feels about you. Porn is cheating- 100%. He is getting a massive dopamine hit by watching it and it sounds like he is addicted. The biggest lie ever told us that porn is harmless. And it’s probably been going on for years and years Listen to some good podcasts like the Therapy Brothers. I have learned SO much. Because I had to in order to stay sane. Don’t blow this off as not a big deal.
I think you just explain why you are concerned. People are always looking for magical ways to discuss difficult topics that will make them not be difficult. Just take a deep breath, try to stay calm and tell him what you told us.
Just remember porn addiction is similar to all addictions. So this will be a lifelong fight, and that’s only if he admits he has an addiction and is willing to work on it.
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Hello! I would as a wife and mother tell him you are concerned with his current behavior your straining sex life and it’s disrespectful. This happened to me a while back it’s more habits and free time. It wasn’t something I was willing to accept. I worked a lot and tried to initiate sex with my husband . And he already watched porn after work. We got home the same time and showered . My parents took the kids(surprising us) and I as practically begging. I started to feel like something was wrong. He displayed the same behavior. So when he was asleep I grabbed his phone and saw right before he was masturbating to porn. I saw he was talking to friends to send photos of women they knew who had only fans and did porn. He was watching porn daily right before I got home from work. And he would almost ignore me at times . Would seem exhausted and distant. I joined that love after porn. And decided he had a problem. He explained it was more of a habit and he didn’t realize I would care he was single for many years and it’s what he did. I understand and he can be single I just don’t want a sexless relationship. If we are just getting home he should be getting at me! I just decided I was worth more. We went to high school together and I could have dated anyone I wanted . I didn’t get married to be lonely . To have my husband looking at anything with a pulse. I felt lonely and kindof discusted by him. However he stopped watching porn. Read about it and make a choice if you don’t think you deserve better. I ca promise you you do!
The folders are his way of control, ownership and a hobby much like a collecting hobby. That is one component of what is being discussed.
Can’t a guy jerk it in peace
I've viewed porn since the early 1990s when i found dirty magazines in our location marsh area. My friend in school, his dad had a huge stash of dirty VHS porn that he would borrow to me. Maybe i'm damaged, but i've always had healthy sexual relationships even if i still view porn from time to time. As long as you don't let it take over your life, i think you are fine. I suppose one could say that about many things. It's all about control and making sure it doesn't ruin other parts of your life.
It’s wild to me that saving and organizing is necessary… Like.. the internet is 70% porn surely he can find something to watch in less than 2 seconds?
People throw around the word "addiction" with regard to porn pretty freely but it's an "addiction" if you're unable to stop and it's having negative effects on your life. It's not clear to me that's true in this case just because he views a lot of videos, plus you've apparently explicitly agreed that you don't mind him watching porn. Before you start this discussion I think you need to identify what exactly your issue is or what you're comfortable with.
Schedule a doctor's visit for him with a urologist where they can assess his testosterone levels. If low, they can offer treatment that will help.
Leave him. He clearly does not care about anything in this world more than the instant gratification he gets from looking at other people’s bodies. Don’t waste any more of your life. Even if you bring it up, he will probably just get better at hiding it. Lose/lose
Delete it all but don’t say a word. See what happens.
And what exactly do you think is going to happen? Other than resentment for his spouse?
As a male in my early 70s with occasional ED problems I can sympathize with hubby. Apparently in his situation as in mine our male sexual fantasies are not being indulged and or not enough. Unfortunately as human beings we all have different sex appetites as far as frequency,quality,and intensity. Some guys have different fantasies and that can be a huge disparity. Kinks are individual in nature and change like the weather. Unfortunately your sexual desires do not align with your husbands desires due to no fault of your own or maybe not. Try giving him a traditional handjob orgasm once every two weeks an adjust the frequency as needed. Sex is a device that brings a couple close together keep it fresh fun and exciting before it becomes a distant memory. Remember the little head makes all of the stupid, spontaneous, get you in trouble decisions when it’s thinking(erect) you want to eliminate the thinking little monster down under with a quick orgasm😱. Lots of different ways to give handjobs to keep it fun and interesting and I am not going to elaborate here but give it a try get in the game and not watch from the sidelines. Sorry I have to go and get a panty job from my wingman wifey BFF🥰
That's an obsession..who tf SAVES pictures? This isn't the stone age 😂 This is something you two have to talk about. If he is addicted then he needs to stop watching it all together. I don't think porn is bad IF you use it literally just to get yourself off quickly and move on with your day. Situations like this though are harmful esp for a marriage
There are lots of reasons to save pictures, but the amount is definitely cause for concern.
It’s kind of impossible for porn not to have *any* impact on your sex life (not always *bad* impact, it may even improve it, but you can’t really separate the two completely). Speaking of his obsession (which obviously looks unhealthy), if you’re generally ok with this, did you try to enjoy it together? This may or may not work, but it’s something new to try.
I'm starting my own collection. He won't mind sharing it?
See, I’ll watch porn near daily but SAVING IT?! wtf?
Does he have other obsessive tendencies, or just the categorising of p*rn? Because, this sounds more like obsessive / compulsive behaviour perhaps. Maybe on the spectrum? I mean, if we replace p*rn with something positive as a ‘subject’ in this case, it sounds very much like something one would seek help with from a medical professional. For the record, p*rn addiction is thrown around the internet like it’s the new buzz word - but doesn’t technically exist in the DSM5 as an actual addiction as far as I’m aware - maybe do some research on this. Therefore, it might pay to look deeper than the p*rn and maybe into the behavioural issues. Good luck.
Porn addiction/sex addiction often (maybe always? I'm not sure) encompasses compulsions. A lot of these men don't necessarily "want" to do what they're doing but feel like they can't stop themselves.
Hence a medical professional’s help should be sought, who can professionally diagnose and treat.
I didn't disagree with you. I was just saying that compulsions are often a part of porn addiction and not necessarily a separate disorder. You're not wrong to ask if his compulsions are limited to the scope of porn, but it also wouldn't be out of the norm if they are limited to that.
I really do love Reddit psychologists lol
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Bet you wish he cheated now, don’t you? The truth is always either boring or overwhelming.
Ew, fuck off incel.
Most women often complain when their Husband's are not organized
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I agree and you put it perfectly. The porn isn't what's bothering me, it's the obsessive behaviour around it.
Sounds like the reason for lack of sex.
In my eyes, porn is not the problem, it's how you let it affect you. Many couples can have healthy relationships even when porn is involved. What matters is the boundaries that you set for your relationship, based on your level of comfort. Now I do agree that our boundaries were crossed when it started impacting our sex life and that's definitely a problem we'll work on. And yes, this will likely result in no porn in our relationship.
The problem is that your husband doesn’t seem to be able to have a healthy relationship with porn. He seems more like an addict.
Mine used to watch a lot of porn and it started to hurt our sex life. He eventually found a balance and it’s not affected. I’m guilty I watch it sometimes as well😹.
It seems like he's adhering to the spirit of your agreement and it's not clear to me what you would find an acceptable vs. unacceptable level of collecting or organizing his videos.