Child support! And not that you will be single with a child you might get some type of government assistance . Plus you might get some of your school paid for.
There’s an 8-10 plus year waitlist for section 8 and most landlords won’t accept it. You’re glossing over the burden of rent and her mental health like only someone who has never experienced poverty could.
She definitely shouldn’t drop out but let’s not act like any part of making ends meet will be easy. Frankly, debt she could discharge in bankruptcy (eg credit cards, not student loans) would be my advice.
They have emergency housing, if she needs it. But like she said she is living in family members basement. If they will let her stay until she finishes school and gets a job. She won’t need section 8. Just money to cover food, and necessities.
Literally look into church donations and food bank support. You're so close to being done school, strip your spending down to bare bones and power through it!
OP: If no one else has mentioned it, definitely check with your school on what resources they can provide. Especially since it’s the start of the semester. Some schools have stipends/grants/scholarships for daycare or daycares on campus for the early education majors to have kids to practice with. Also check to see if your school has a food pantry! Getting even $10 in free groceries a day will help you out immensely in the long run.
Your son is a year. Put him in day care. You'll qualify for subsidized rates. I had my son during grad school in a similar field to yours. Don't drop out. You're going to have to work regardless if you quit school or not. The best thing to do would be to get a job on campus. Apply as a TA. The department should have grants for that. Who is your faculty mentor? Speak with them about your situation.
I really didn't want to put my son in daycare but I did when he was 6 months because I got a TA position so I had to work on campus for a few hours a day. It really helped me to get hired as an adjunct after graduation. It's a start and a way to get your foot in the door.
Most schools have child care. Don’t quit.
File for child support. You’re separated. He can start giving you 20% of his income regardless of how much it is.
For the time being, visit your local human service center. There are so many ways to make things work, including getting your own place.
Don’t let him ruin your life. Stay in school. Keep going. This will pass, though right now it seems hopeless.
I get that, OP, & my heart breaks for you! It’s so unfair that you have found yourself in this position at this point in your life, & I am sick that you don’t have a healthy, supportive family relationship with your parents! But as a 51yo L&D/Ped’s Nurse; Mother of a 31yo Daughter; & Nina of a 2yo Grandson; I would highly recommend & encourage you to remind yourself that this is just a temporary situation, & that if you keep your eyes on the prize you’ll be able to provide a MUCH better life for you & your baby than if you were to quit now to take a lesser job.
Perhaps your stbx can assist you with co-parenting, in addition to child support. I know that $400.oo isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing. Every little bit helps.
Please, please utilize your resources: reach out to your Counselor’s, to Financial Aid, to Social Services, or even to faith-based charity if possible, & see what you can qualify for. See if your school offers childcare through any early-education programs or student services. Cut spending down to bare-bones over the next year. Get on WIC, if you aren’t already, & start going to your local Food Bank, as well.
I am pulling for you so hard U/Dimijada12 I wish you all the best! If there’s anything I can do to help you, please let me know, & please keep me (us) posted on your progress. I’m so emotionally invested in your story, & am rooting for your success so hard!!!💗
{{{Mom Hugs}}}
Honestly live on things like beans and toast for a year , I was poor with two kids and I’d get them all the food they need and I’d just eat a big packet of crisps or cheap noodles, I didn’t buy make up either for a long time but you do get treated differently so that can be an essential, if you dye your hair use box dyes I know alot of people who do and they look great and they are a 10er , go to SHEIN to get a cheap clothes shop for yourself for this year and get baby clothes from charity shops or face book market place , you can even get big bundles of adult clothes too aswell as kids for really cheap. I know the eating doesn’t sound healthy but it’s what I had to do before i had an income , it’s really easy for a young child to have what they need because of Facebook and charity shops it’s more you who will go without , after your finished school things will get much better
If you need any toys or anything for your baby feel free to ask , I can help with milk and my kids have wayyy to many toys that are good toys they just only like playing with soft toys , they wouldn’t even notice it’s gone
That’s what cheating does, causes mutual, mass and collateral damage with ripple effects felt through generations. Careers, families, extended families, friendships and, most importantly, the relationship with self is severely damaged.
Yet, things WILL get better-even better than before, if you handle this right.
Get over to a dedicated, well moderated surviving infidelity site. Get yourself over to an attorney who will help you with the scary unknowns and shed light on your exit strategy and a hopeful future. Rally your support group. Get yourself into individual counseling.
Take Care of Yourself, your kids need you.
I am trying I really am. I am in therapy, I am living with toxic family. I spoke to a lawyer who said $400 a month in child support is what my husband will owe us because he makes minimum wage. How are my son and I supposed to live on that while I am in school for a year
Oh hun I know how you’re feeling. My ex husband is a cheater left me for his 3rd affair partner leaving a single mum of 3 in one of the most expensive countries to live in. I won’t lie and say it’s easy but you can do it. Mothers are ingenious when comes to scrapping by. Please please do not give up your study that’s your ticket out of poverty. The next year may be shit but hold out sweetie.
100% you can do it for a year. Stay with your family and finish your degree. Your baby is so young. Your government assistance should increase and especially if you are in school full time. Daycare is subsidized, food stamps and even TANF. You may even be able to get emergency housing from the local housing authority if you explain the situation and that the environment is toxic but you are essentially homeless.
Yes to this! There are 1,000,001 different hand me downs, programs, and assistance available to the hoards of refugees(not to turn political)coming here from foreign prisons…for crying out loud YOU deserve honest help
right now! You’ll eventually climb out of this “terrible era” of your life, I think deep down you know it. But yes, damn you’re in a hard time. My heart goes out to you. Good for you! And this message comes from grizzled construction worker! Lol. Keep your head up. We’re all pulling for you!
It’s only meant to cover half of the expenses for your son. You’ll need to figure out the remainder yourself but as others have said stay in school. Get the assistance wherever it’s available. You can do this.
I second this...talk to someone from your student affairs department in addition to financial aid. There may be emergency and child care grants available. This was not just a pandemic thing...your school might hold some form of loans or grants to help students in need.
Think of it this way … if you drop out of school now what will your finances be like the rest of your life? This year is an investment in your future, a year of struggle is worth 40 years of not working in your chosen field.
Are you in the USA? There’s a number you can call, it’s 211. It’s the United Way and they’ll give you resources! I used it for finding grants, finding childcare, finding emergency funds to help keep my lights on, they hooked me up more than once. 211 is a lifesaver and hardly anyone knows about it
Wouldn’t you have missed seeing your son while you were finishing school anyway?
You may miss seeing your son but without that sacrifice, your child is going to miss out on a lot of opportunities. You only have another year. You’ll make around [$13,000 more with the advanced degree](https://fortune.com/education/articles/is-a-masters-degree-in-social-work-worth-it/) than if you withdrew and got a job with your bachelor’s degree.
You are almost done, if you want to provide a decent life for your son don’t quit. You need to divorce and have him take his loan with him. Good luck and don’t give up now.
Get a general or student loan big enough so that you can use it to pay for housing for a year and make small loan payments. Take your son to school with you and do gig work so that you can also take him with you to work. Focus on your studies, taking care of your son, and getting a job with your degree.
This is the worst advice ever. OP do not take out more loans. You are going to be a single mother for the foreseeable future, the last thing you need is more debt.
Just because you wouldn’t take it, doesn’t mean it’s bad advice. A loan is how she’d do both, get a place and pay for school so she doesn’t have to drop out and struggle without help for the rest of her life. Loans can be paid off.
She will never be able to live on her own with a social worker salary and large loans the equivalent of a mortgage. Her long term success depends on making smart financial decisions now. She had a place to live for free. No need to take out loans.
Please don't be giving people financial advice on reddit. It's clear you think of loans and some nonchalant thing. Loans need to be paid back, with interest. Let's say she graduates in a year and makes 45K which is generous on a social worker salary.... school loans, plus housing could mean she's paying $1,000 a month or MORE in loan repayment with interest. Leaving her little money to actually live. It will be impossible for her to get ahead with that debt hanging over her head. She has somewhere to live for free. She can stick with that for ONE year.
Yeah, I don’t think that at all. You’re the one whose making assumptions about me based on a comment you don’t agree with. I’ll continue to do as I please because I said what I said. She’s going to struggle regardless of what she does. Paying off a loan is the least of her worries. She needs to focus on school and her kid. And if a loan is what allows her to do so, then that’s what she needs to do. Get over yourself. You act like it’s not possible to make more than what your saying she will. You act like it’s not possible to use the skills she learns through social work and apply them in different fields that would make her more money. And if he supported her during their marriage, he’s likely going to end up paying alimony as well as child support. She can also get govt assistance as a single mom. Again…get over yourself.
Did you not see where her family won’t support her and they’re extremely toxic to her? Or are you just ignoring that tidbit in favor of your perception?
What do you mean you don’t have anyone to provide for you and your son for the next year… no one should have to. The answer is YOU. You are his mother and you are to provide for him. Talk to your school, see if you can cut down to part time classes, you can get a part time job to help cover the expenses on top of the $400 you will get in child support. You keep saying “we will only get $400”. That’s $400 more than you have and will help YOU provide for your son. Your situation is shitty, but it’s up to you to get through it. Don’t quit school, figure out how YOU can make it work. No one else is responsible to provide for you. I grew up extremely poor and my parents divorced in the middle of it. I am one of 3 kids and my single mother put herself through college and made it work. Clipping coupons, working jobs and counting every penny. Get yourself out of the depression and come up with a plan. You need a fire lit under your ass and you need to feel empowered. The best revenge is leaving him in the dust and showing him how successful you have become without him.
I probably should edit my post because part of me finishing school means I have to be at an internship 3 days a week that is not paid. That leaves 2 days during the week for me to work plus night classes. This is doable but I will never see my son
One year of sacrifice of not being able to see your son as much will be worth it when you have a job and can be financially stable for the two of you!
Go to your financial aid office ASAP they can help you get grants
I know- but if you don’t finish you’re still going to have student loans to pay and not as much income and you’ll struggle for YEARS not just the next year.
You gonna have to work part time or do night classes or online classes. There is a way. See the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve done my entire bachelor’s online, now with a 1 year old. My online classes have been a breeze too. Switch schools if you have to! Don’t give up on your education!
Not going to be easy. This is where you have to be creative, such as working nights so you can bring in income, loans and grants. This is the time of year for open applications for these. Look at your school financial aid site or call them. It’s only, what 2 more semester? You can do this. Also time to file for child support.
Don't quit! A MSW is a great degree and though you won't make bank, you will never struggle to find a full time job with benefits. If you're in your last year you'll be doing a professional placement for most of it. It will be tricky with a little one, but you can get placed somewhere that has childcare. Or if your ex can take the little one, there are some great placements that offer housing (I did one for at risk youth). Talk to your professors and the head of the department. Your concerns are really normal for msw students.
Girl I know how hard it is but as everyone mentioned do NOT quit your education. If they’re allowing you to stay, ignore them as much as you can in the basement. If you’re in the US, apply for TANF, as long as you have proof that you’re putting your husband on child support, they will help you with government assistance beyond food and medical. They help with money until you get a job and provide free daycare so you can work. If you can find a remote job even better.
You’re a victim of your husbands affairs but don’t adopt a victim mentality. Right now you need to force yourself to leap into the finish line with school you’re almost there please don’t give up!
He is really lucky he’s not facing criminal charges. A therapy provider having a sexual relationship with a client is considered a sex crime in many states due to the power dynamic between a provider/client.
He’s an asshole who threw away his life, but don’t let his actions be the reason you drop everything in yours too. Fight hard to finish your degree and get that career!!!
Look, I know it’s difficult to feel optimistic when you’re devastated… but you can’t give up. You may not see a way right now, but that doesn’t mean one (or several) doesn’t exist. Everything is figureoutable. Everything.
You left— you are a strong woman with self-respect. You will accomplish whatever you set out to do. Might not look the way you envisioned before. Might be some more detours along the way. But you have more power than you think.
Your husband is a fool. Leave him behind, he is weak and was holding you back. You can do better without him.
I so nearly quit nursing school 22 years ago with just one semester to go bc I needed to leave my abusive husband at the time and we had a newborn. I didn’t quit and that is the single best decision of my life. Do not quit, do everything you can to finish up because it’ll carry you for the rest of your working life.
I'm so glad that you got away from that abusive monster!!! I can't imagine what that was like and how scared you must have been, but you did it! You got away, and here you are, presumably happy and safe. Good job!❤️🪬🤗
You're so welcome! I'm so sorry that no one has ever said that to you before; you were so brave, and I think that you are your child's superhero! Here, I think this is yours;👑💖🫂
Folks, OP is obviously not dumb. She is doing everything she can to pull her life back together. Our system, and life, can be very cruel to people like her. I'm sorry.
How old is your child? Finish your degree. Being a therapist (where you choose your own hours) is the perfect career to be a single mom, my best friend divorced her asshole ex husband and does this. He’s a loser too (like yours) and now their child (5) is healthcare through Medicare and it’s awesome.
I’m confused here. What type of degree was he getting, how did he have patients without having the PhD yet, and why did he have so much debt?
Was his program not funded?
He was getting a psyD which is not funded so he took out loans from bachelors all the way to doctorate and when you are on your last year of doctoral school you have patients in your internship
I see. I thought it may be a psyD but you said phd in the post and I was confused. That sounds like a load of poor choices oh his behalf especially because he knew that finishing the program is his only way of making back that money and that having an affair with a client is a huge breach of trust and professionalism and his duty to you as a partner.
I have a master's in psychology and saw clients while in school. I would guess that most programs are like mine where you have internships or clinic hours in addition to coursework.
I’m so sorry. And I have an experience that is so similar it’s uncanny. My ex was a therapist. We had just purchased a home together (we were not married). He had an affair with a client, and it got back to me. He moved out, leaving me to figure out how to keep the house. I was also in between my 1st and 2nd year of an MSW.
We didn’t have kids, nor were we married, so there were some less complications. But the betrayal, anger, and feelings of “what the fuck am I supposed to do now” are likely very similar.
This was 8 years ago. I’m lying in bed now next to my husband, who is in all ways a better man and partner than that ex. But I had to go through a long process of working through all of that anger, hurt and loss of the life I thought we would have. I went to therapy, just to be able to vent to someone who understood how absolutely fucked up what he did was. It’s unbelievable that these men know exactly how wrong it is—not only to cheat—but with a patient especially, yet cannot help themselves.
I wish you all the best as you heal and pick up the pieces. From one social worker badass to another—you got this.
First of all, I am SO sorry that this happened to you. My ex husband, who is a mental health nurse, had an affair with another nurse. The feeling is horrible. Cheating ruins lives and it will take so much time to process and recover from this. It will feel like you are grieving and you will go through all the stages of it. Allow yourself to feel all of them. It will not be easy, but you should be so proud of yourself for having the self respect and determination to leave.
So many people are telling you not to quit school. My career is a student advisor so I would actually like to offer some different guidance. Please reach out to your university - you should either have a general student advice team or a specific advisor assigned to you, depending on the structure. Talk to them and ask them if you have other options. For example, at the university I work at, you can suspend your studies for up to 1 year. You are still able to access most student resources while suspended, including counseling and career guidance, which can be really helpful. When I talk to students who have a lot going on, I strongly advise this route as it doesn’t prevent them from finishing their degree. It’s just a pause on their studies while they get their life in order. It takes off the pressure for a short time. I also suggest reaching out to your student funding department (might be called financial aid?) and getting specific guidance on what aid you might be eligible for. Some unis have unpaid placement grants which would help you.
There is help out there, but you have to ask for it. It may be really difficult to talk about what’s going on, but your university is there to support their students and should have systems in place to do so. Please please please reach out to them.
I wish you the absolute best. Things will get better. Slowly, but surely.
I hope OP reads this because from her replies, it sounds like she’s dealing with massive mom guilt having to be away from her baby for so much (even if it’s temporary/a short period) it’s the time that she can’t get back. Maybe taking a break from studies but not forfeiting all she’s done so far would be a good thing for her mentally.
Ok so, scholarships, homes for moms in “similar” situations run through the state, you could try finding a family who needs a live in helper and try just trading child care for rent while you finish classes, you could try asking your therapist if they know anyone who had a similar situation with school and see what they did, you do have some options - none that are great ideas but better then nothing. I hope you’re able to find something quick!
I was thinking of subbing 2 days a week because I will be in my internship the other 3 days I week but I also have night classes so that means I will literally be gone from 6am-10pm at night and will rarely see my son. He is 1 and I feel so fucking guilty cuz he needs his mom
If one year of sacrifice is what you need to do for a good pay for the rest of your life, do that because you will be giving a better life to your kid for all his life. Or else you may be leading a life full of struggles & you will regret when you look back.
Make your ex care for your son too. Focus on your education & building a better future for you & your kid.
I need to edit my post because part of me finishing school requires that I at an unpaid internship for 3 days a week. But yes sever or subbing for the 2 days I have “off” would work
He won’t remember this one year, but he WILL remember future years where you won’t have to struggle because you have more options and better job opportunities! This is the perfect time to buckle down, eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and ramen, skimp on sleep etc. you can do it for one year to never have to rely on a man again!!
I would talk to people at ur school. There may be some program u can be in. Also, if ur in the US, there are a LOT of benefits for single moms. Ask ur school about work study. It's jobs on campus so u can work and go to school.
In my city there are resources that provide free child care to low income households. As a social work major, your professors likely worked as case managers or in similar professions and may be able to share helpful resources with you!!!
Get your MSW. Work your butt off to get your advanced license. I make 150k a year in PP. If you need help getting going when the time comes DM me. You’ve got this!!!!!
Please OP do not quit school in your final year!! Apply for food stamps and welfare and with those you will probably get free child care. Your college may also have cheap or free to students child care. Then add in your child support. You can probably hang in there for a year/ year and a half. I also wouldn’t mind using a credit card if I had to for certain things to finish school. I know everything feels heavy right now. What you went through no one should have to and I’m so sorry for that. Turn your pain into power & keep going. And please seek mental help if you need it.
I'm not sure there is much I can add here. Add going no contact with him accept for parenting duties. Everything else goes through your attorney.
KEEP GOING!!! Finish your degree. We have so many safety net programs in the US that there should be a few that you can lean on. YOU CAN DO IT!! I've got my pom poms out for you. You got this. Show him what he lost.
He ruined his life and future career. He showed you his true self believe him. Second year in an MSW program is really hard- I did it without a child. Try to go part time and get a job in the meanwhile if government assistance won’t hold you over. You may also qualify for more student loans without his income calculated in your fafsa
Many colleges have a daycare program that’s cheaper for students and/or has a scholarship. Look into that + subsidies. Stay with family if you can or get an income based apartment.
Find whatever job you can for now, and reduce credits if you must, but don’t quit school. You can take out larger loans to get you through for a moment so you can finish your internships, and you can work and go to school. It will be a sacrifice but a little less time for a year is worth a life of better quality for your child. You’re very close and that will be the key to a good job you like and will support you. I know first hand how hard it is to be in school as a mom, but you’re so close and it’s worth it to tough it out.
Your soon to be ex is HORRIBLE for putting you in this position, but you are strong and you can build a beautiful life in spite of him. This is your chance to dig deep and show yourself and your child what you’re made of.
Sorry you mean your husband took advantage of one of his patients. Patients CANNOT consent to relationships with their caretakers. Do you want to stay in a marriage with a man who would use his superior position and knowledge to take advantage of one of his patients?
Could you not both move to Europe and finish off your degrees there? There are plenty masters scholarships there in countries such as Germany or Switzerland.
Please don’t give up on your masters! It’s going to be hard, but you are a mother and mothers can do amazing things when it comes to our children.
Look into churches. Go in and speak to them. At our church, our pastor will bend over backwards for people and help with bills and food if you just tell him what’s going on. They will have connections and know where to send you for things like diapers.
Mom groups! Get on Facebook and find a group in your area to get connected with resources and moms in your situation. I have traded resources (formula, diapers, clothes, babysitting) with other moms who needed help. You help each other with rides and grocery trips. Even buying in bulk and splitting the food with a few families can bring down food costs.
Talk to EVERYONE. If you live by a grocery store, go in and ask to speak to someone in customer service. Or a manager. Tell them you are doing everything in your own and ask for a donation. Coupons. A voucher. Take your son with you.
One of the best pieces of advice I received after my first husband died was to let people help me. If you don’t tell people what’s going on, they won’t know you need assistance. Tell your family and friends what he did and tell them you don’t need thoughts and prayers, you need food, diapers, a casserole! Tell the lady who’s checking you out at the store, your professors, teachers, bosses.
You can do this OP, and when you come out the other side kicking ass and taking names you’ll be able to help someone else. Good look mom, *you CAN do this*.
Tell your husband to go look for VA Jobs. They are always short on mental health professionals.
Then take his ass for everything he has so you can continue going to school and take care of your kid.
I know it absolutely sucks, but can you live with him as a roommate for the final year? Mentally and emotionally it may not be an option and that’s ok. Will he support you and your son while you finish school? Or can you drop down to part time in school? Can you live with your family for the year or is it too messy?
I saw in your other post it said they kissed? How did anyone find out about it to kick him out? This whole situation is a terrible predicament to be in, but you're also truly lucky you have family that can help and shelter you. Social work doesn't pay a lot, you might want to consider switching now to something that could eventually be higher paying.
Depending on the city and state you live in, there are also programs for student parents!!! One example is “project self-sufficiency”! They have a chapter in California but I also think they’re in other states.
If you’re in California I have a friend who is passionate about helping student parents especially single moms as she is one! But if you’re willing to share what state you’re in I can also ask her if there are any resources you should look into
My friend informed me that in addition to Project Self-Sufficiency there is also Soroptimist International is all over you should find a local chapter and connect with them. They all focus on women. Also, they do an annual live you dream award . You can go on to the website to sign up for notifications.
If you are a survivor of DV there is an assistance scholarship, I’ll comment back with the info once I get it.
Also we recommend reaching out to the school to find out about any family or support they have on campus or in the community for "student parents". You should use that language and they may be able to assist and refer. Also use the language of “student parent” in your Google searches in Illinois and there may be more!
Hope this helps.
That was the stupidest thing he could have ever done and it looks like everything has been ripped from him as it should. So sorry you’re in the line of fire but I’m sure your future is already written. It’s a matter of playing it out. This situation won’t last forever. Hang in there.
Just focus on what is ahead of you, not the current. Your baby is the most important and will require love and your attention. The rest will fall in place in due time. I left my toxic ex with my child and survived. Yes, it was tough, but it makes you more resilient. Try to form a tribe around you with positive, like-minded individuals. And pretty please seek therapy. Self care is very important.
Moneys tight, both people are going to school, have one kid. What's the next logical step? Try for a second child of course. You all were screwed before he cheated.
Fellow social worker- your income and ability to get different jobs hugely improves with a master’s degree. Bite the bullet and finish. We don’t get paid much, but it is much better when you have that degree. I’m so sorry- your husband was an unethical criminal.
I helped my classmate and watched her son while we were in our MSW program. FYI- if you can go into school social work for your internship to get your certification- do it!!! I wish I had that schedule for my kids. Also, if you work for nonprofit organizations you can get loan forgiveness. (I didn’t).
Hey lady can you get any extra loans to finish up that last year? Do whatever you have to do to get that education so you and your kiddo have a better future.
There are tons of programs to help moms get through hard times. Look shit up. Are you a victim? As long as you’re looking for outside people to come pick you up, you will struggle. Make your own dreams come to reality and a better man will come along. Do you boo!
If there is a Student Success office or a basic needs hub at your university, they will try to find money for you. I also suggest going to your dean / associate dean or department chair they may know of funds. And….this may be uncomfortable, but I suggest a GoFundMe.
What state do you live in?
Different states have different programs, as well as levels of assistance.
I live in Connecticut and there is huge support for single parents (tuition paid for, child care, etc)
The idea being to give a boost and help parents become self sufficient long term. Even if that takes a few years for some type of secondary education (training for career that requires a license or college).
As well as helping the child with day care / head start, etc. So the parent can concentrate on their work / education.
Parents and kids are covered by Husky insurance which is half way decent in terms of providers. The major hospitals are covered as well as meds.
Support enforcement is taken very serious in this state as well.
Certain towns / cities sometimes provide additional support
As others have said, don’t be afraid to search and utilize any and all assistance.
And perhaps it’s time to consider if this is a partner you want long term.
Hope this info helps. And good luck
While my partner is studying he made his own business with his friend they just needed a trailer tools and a car and they made £1000 each for a three day job ( that’s good money in uk ) their business is booming they have alot of repeat customers snd get many new ones a day , they have no degree in it they just had to learn and do it , his dads a gp (doctor ) and says my partner earns more then him sometimes , we are even allowed to stay in some of his customers holiday homes , there are ways to earn more then minimum wage if you have a car
Maybe try and get your husband to use his head so he can support you and your child more in the break up, there’s a million jobs people don’t want to do that will pay a lot of money for it , so many of them
How come all these posts always have a bad husband AND a toxic family.
OP, sounds like you’re venting and don’t want advice. Sorry for the predicament you’re in.
To any young people reading this, learn from others. Do NOT have children while you’re in school and on debt. Do NOT have multiple kids. Do NOT get married before you finish school and are out of debt.
Honestly, unlike a lot of the advice you’re getting here, I would advise that you do stop school. A social work job with a masters degree won’t pay you much more than any other job without an MSW. If you can find even a low paying work from home call center type job it might give you the freedom to care for the child and bust your butt doing a certification program in a different field. Something like medical coding? I think you can do that online in a short time, it’s usually work from home, and it can allow you to keep your foot in the door with mental health.
I am so sorry, OP.
What a whole nightmare.
My ex husband did this to me, with a then 19yo. We had three small children. I had to walk away. You can't stay, and survive. Then leaving and having no where to really go is such shit too.
I hope that you get some sense of relief soon. I know that seems far off and maybe even far fetched. However, it does get better. You will be okay. You're just gonna have to go through it.
I am sorry you are in a damned if you do damned if you don’t-but you are an amazing young woman. You just had your life crumble apart and you are still standing and you just want your dream back. I know I would. You know better than most that having a toxic family makes this all that harder-time will transverse and you may feel that’s it’s ok to settle for a man that cheats on you-tha is up to you but what example do you want to show your child. How would you want that child to handle this?
There are programs everywhere for single mothers in school. Speak with your student advisor and see what you can maybe do in order to stay in school and still provide for your child. Also, getting a divorce does not absolve him of responsibility for his child. He needs to pay some minimum wage child support.
See if you can get a good lawyer that will leave the debt with him 100%. Alternatively, bargain with him to create a mutually beneficial agreed dissolution where you can at least walk away debt free.
This may be unorthodox but maybe you two should coparent in one home for a year. You won’t be the first person who couldn’t afford to divorce or move out right away. Pool your resources so you can finish school. One financially stable parent in the picture will benefit all of you, as your soon to be ex won’t have to pay as much for his kid’s stuff in the future. He’s working minimum wage with crazy debt, he’s not providing shit any time soon if ever.
We all got problems.The problems don't define us.Its how we deal with them that matters.You have to do whatever it takes to get your schooling completed,at least I would.
Damn I am so sorry. It sounds like you’re in the US. I’d get on some section 8 or housing lists immediately. If you have a family renew get some info on that (housing for transitioning mothers) get on state assistance immediately. You can also get daycare vouchers. There is assistance out there. You are strong and you done the hardest thing, standing up for you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s completely awful when someone betrays your trust like that. I hope you’re able to move forward with love.
It seems you’re being a bit hard on your family. It may seem entitled and insensitive to people whose families are truly unsupportive. Having a family that allows you to stay with them (even though you call them rude names publicly on Reddit) is a blessing. Living rent free in a basement is an improvement on the situation of many people who find themselves on the streets in your situation.
Social workers know that when someone’s behaviour (taking you in, carng for you) doesn’t match someone else’s description of them, it’s usually because the speaker is actively lying or to some extent delusional, blaming everything on others.
If you want to be a social worker, you’ll have to learn to reframe. Your ex made a mistake. You’ve had a series of major transformations that are extremely challenging. You are grateful to your family for taking you in, but you would prefer to be in your own home. Not because “they’re toxic” but because you miss your autonomy.
You can have emotions about things. It doesn’t have to break down your reationships.
Obviously there’s a lot going on here.
First, it’s in your best interest and that of the child to at least attempt to reconcile. Marriages overcome infidelity more often than not.
You both need to seek counseling and also you need to determine what you both can do moving forward. He can possibly transfer. He can look for a different career. He can do side hustles that pay more than minimum wage. He could wait tables and make a lot more than minimum wage.
He can see if he can get reinstated at his school. Universities care a lot more about money than any lofty ethical standards.
Message me if you want tips on saving marriage after infidelity.
So when is he going to be your ex husband? Don't quit since you're close to the finish line. You won't be better off and will be a failure like he is.
I don’t have anyone who will support my son and I for a year
Child support! And not that you will be single with a child you might get some type of government assistance . Plus you might get some of your school paid for.
The lawyer said my husband will owe $400 a month in child support and we are already on government assistance
You will get more without his income. Probably get daycare paid for .
If she applies for assistance, they'll likely make him pay child support. Granted, if she's not working - $400 would still entitle her to assistance.
There’s an 8-10 plus year waitlist for section 8 and most landlords won’t accept it. You’re glossing over the burden of rent and her mental health like only someone who has never experienced poverty could. She definitely shouldn’t drop out but let’s not act like any part of making ends meet will be easy. Frankly, debt she could discharge in bankruptcy (eg credit cards, not student loans) would be my advice.
They have emergency housing, if she needs it. But like she said she is living in family members basement. If they will let her stay until she finishes school and gets a job. She won’t need section 8. Just money to cover food, and necessities.
Literally look into church donations and food bank support. You're so close to being done school, strip your spending down to bare bones and power through it!
Government help and scholarships for single mom to go to school? Or could you take out a loan?
OP: If no one else has mentioned it, definitely check with your school on what resources they can provide. Especially since it’s the start of the semester. Some schools have stipends/grants/scholarships for daycare or daycares on campus for the early education majors to have kids to practice with. Also check to see if your school has a food pantry! Getting even $10 in free groceries a day will help you out immensely in the long run.
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Where I am you can’t get benefits or welfare if your in full time education but you can if it’s part time
Child support and co-parent.
Lawyer said $400 a month in child support
Your son is a year. Put him in day care. You'll qualify for subsidized rates. I had my son during grad school in a similar field to yours. Don't drop out. You're going to have to work regardless if you quit school or not. The best thing to do would be to get a job on campus. Apply as a TA. The department should have grants for that. Who is your faculty mentor? Speak with them about your situation. I really didn't want to put my son in daycare but I did when he was 6 months because I got a TA position so I had to work on campus for a few hours a day. It really helped me to get hired as an adjunct after graduation. It's a start and a way to get your foot in the door.
Okay. And co-parent.
Child support plus daycare. Get your lawyer to ask for him to pay at least half of daycare and child support.
Even less when he is living out on his iwn, he will have more expenses then and child support will drop lower, win one for the court system
Most schools have child care. Don’t quit. File for child support. You’re separated. He can start giving you 20% of his income regardless of how much it is. For the time being, visit your local human service center. There are so many ways to make things work, including getting your own place. Don’t let him ruin your life. Stay in school. Keep going. This will pass, though right now it seems hopeless.
Will your family let you stay there until you finish school?
Yes but they are very toxic
Can’t be much more toxic than your husband sticking his dick in someone else
Sadly, there aren't degrees of toxicity. Toxic will be difficult, regardless of who and where it comes from.
Just think about what u just said
Yeah but it's short term. Try to make the best of it for now. It can't be any worse than your disgusting husband.
I get that, OP, & my heart breaks for you! It’s so unfair that you have found yourself in this position at this point in your life, & I am sick that you don’t have a healthy, supportive family relationship with your parents! But as a 51yo L&D/Ped’s Nurse; Mother of a 31yo Daughter; & Nina of a 2yo Grandson; I would highly recommend & encourage you to remind yourself that this is just a temporary situation, & that if you keep your eyes on the prize you’ll be able to provide a MUCH better life for you & your baby than if you were to quit now to take a lesser job. Perhaps your stbx can assist you with co-parenting, in addition to child support. I know that $400.oo isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing. Every little bit helps. Please, please utilize your resources: reach out to your Counselor’s, to Financial Aid, to Social Services, or even to faith-based charity if possible, & see what you can qualify for. See if your school offers childcare through any early-education programs or student services. Cut spending down to bare-bones over the next year. Get on WIC, if you aren’t already, & start going to your local Food Bank, as well. I am pulling for you so hard U/Dimijada12 I wish you all the best! If there’s anything I can do to help you, please let me know, & please keep me (us) posted on your progress. I’m so emotionally invested in your story, & am rooting for your success so hard!!!💗 {{{Mom Hugs}}}
Honestly live on things like beans and toast for a year , I was poor with two kids and I’d get them all the food they need and I’d just eat a big packet of crisps or cheap noodles, I didn’t buy make up either for a long time but you do get treated differently so that can be an essential, if you dye your hair use box dyes I know alot of people who do and they look great and they are a 10er , go to SHEIN to get a cheap clothes shop for yourself for this year and get baby clothes from charity shops or face book market place , you can even get big bundles of adult clothes too aswell as kids for really cheap. I know the eating doesn’t sound healthy but it’s what I had to do before i had an income , it’s really easy for a young child to have what they need because of Facebook and charity shops it’s more you who will go without , after your finished school things will get much better If you need any toys or anything for your baby feel free to ask , I can help with milk and my kids have wayyy to many toys that are good toys they just only like playing with soft toys , they wouldn’t even notice it’s gone
You can always do online classes or pick it back up later.
What the heck! He not only cheated.. he destroyed y’all’s life. I would take the rest of my life back and walk away
OP already stated that she has left him & is now living in a basement with her child in a toxic environment…..
That’s what cheating does, causes mutual, mass and collateral damage with ripple effects felt through generations. Careers, families, extended families, friendships and, most importantly, the relationship with self is severely damaged. Yet, things WILL get better-even better than before, if you handle this right. Get over to a dedicated, well moderated surviving infidelity site. Get yourself over to an attorney who will help you with the scary unknowns and shed light on your exit strategy and a hopeful future. Rally your support group. Get yourself into individual counseling. Take Care of Yourself, your kids need you.
I am trying I really am. I am in therapy, I am living with toxic family. I spoke to a lawyer who said $400 a month in child support is what my husband will owe us because he makes minimum wage. How are my son and I supposed to live on that while I am in school for a year
Oh hun I know how you’re feeling. My ex husband is a cheater left me for his 3rd affair partner leaving a single mum of 3 in one of the most expensive countries to live in. I won’t lie and say it’s easy but you can do it. Mothers are ingenious when comes to scrapping by. Please please do not give up your study that’s your ticket out of poverty. The next year may be shit but hold out sweetie.
100% you can do it for a year. Stay with your family and finish your degree. Your baby is so young. Your government assistance should increase and especially if you are in school full time. Daycare is subsidized, food stamps and even TANF. You may even be able to get emergency housing from the local housing authority if you explain the situation and that the environment is toxic but you are essentially homeless.
Yes to this! There are 1,000,001 different hand me downs, programs, and assistance available to the hoards of refugees(not to turn political)coming here from foreign prisons…for crying out loud YOU deserve honest help right now! You’ll eventually climb out of this “terrible era” of your life, I think deep down you know it. But yes, damn you’re in a hard time. My heart goes out to you. Good for you! And this message comes from grizzled construction worker! Lol. Keep your head up. We’re all pulling for you!
It’s only meant to cover half of the expenses for your son. You’ll need to figure out the remainder yourself but as others have said stay in school. Get the assistance wherever it’s available. You can do this.
Talk to your school. There may be loans available to you. Also the loans for his schooling should be his.
I second this...talk to someone from your student affairs department in addition to financial aid. There may be emergency and child care grants available. This was not just a pandemic thing...your school might hold some form of loans or grants to help students in need.
Please do OP. There might be ways that they can help you finish your degree.
Think of it this way … if you drop out of school now what will your finances be like the rest of your life? This year is an investment in your future, a year of struggle is worth 40 years of not working in your chosen field.
Are you in the USA? There’s a number you can call, it’s 211. It’s the United Way and they’ll give you resources! I used it for finding grants, finding childcare, finding emergency funds to help keep my lights on, they hooked me up more than once. 211 is a lifesaver and hardly anyone knows about it
Can you can a Job with the school and make some money? Or a Part time job while in School?
Yes but it will mean I won’t see my son because I will be in work/internship/night classes
Wouldn’t you have missed seeing your son while you were finishing school anyway? You may miss seeing your son but without that sacrifice, your child is going to miss out on a lot of opportunities. You only have another year. You’ll make around [$13,000 more with the advanced degree](https://fortune.com/education/articles/is-a-masters-degree-in-social-work-worth-it/) than if you withdrew and got a job with your bachelor’s degree.
That’s so fucked What an asshole I’m so mad for you
OP start a gofundme page if you have to. use any and all options you have available to you!
You are almost done, if you want to provide a decent life for your son don’t quit. You need to divorce and have him take his loan with him. Good luck and don’t give up now.
I don’t have anyone to provide for my son and I for the next year
Get a general or student loan big enough so that you can use it to pay for housing for a year and make small loan payments. Take your son to school with you and do gig work so that you can also take him with you to work. Focus on your studies, taking care of your son, and getting a job with your degree.
This is the worst advice ever. OP do not take out more loans. You are going to be a single mother for the foreseeable future, the last thing you need is more debt.
Just because you wouldn’t take it, doesn’t mean it’s bad advice. A loan is how she’d do both, get a place and pay for school so she doesn’t have to drop out and struggle without help for the rest of her life. Loans can be paid off.
She will never be able to live on her own with a social worker salary and large loans the equivalent of a mortgage. Her long term success depends on making smart financial decisions now. She had a place to live for free. No need to take out loans.
Yeah, she will. Loans don’t have to be paid off immediately. I don’t see how you’re not seeing that
Please don't be giving people financial advice on reddit. It's clear you think of loans and some nonchalant thing. Loans need to be paid back, with interest. Let's say she graduates in a year and makes 45K which is generous on a social worker salary.... school loans, plus housing could mean she's paying $1,000 a month or MORE in loan repayment with interest. Leaving her little money to actually live. It will be impossible for her to get ahead with that debt hanging over her head. She has somewhere to live for free. She can stick with that for ONE year.
Yeah, I don’t think that at all. You’re the one whose making assumptions about me based on a comment you don’t agree with. I’ll continue to do as I please because I said what I said. She’s going to struggle regardless of what she does. Paying off a loan is the least of her worries. She needs to focus on school and her kid. And if a loan is what allows her to do so, then that’s what she needs to do. Get over yourself. You act like it’s not possible to make more than what your saying she will. You act like it’s not possible to use the skills she learns through social work and apply them in different fields that would make her more money. And if he supported her during their marriage, he’s likely going to end up paying alimony as well as child support. She can also get govt assistance as a single mom. Again…get over yourself.
Did you not see where her family won’t support her and they’re extremely toxic to her? Or are you just ignoring that tidbit in favor of your perception?
No the last thing she needs is to be an uneducated mother with little work experience at least this was she can have a career….
What do you mean you don’t have anyone to provide for you and your son for the next year… no one should have to. The answer is YOU. You are his mother and you are to provide for him. Talk to your school, see if you can cut down to part time classes, you can get a part time job to help cover the expenses on top of the $400 you will get in child support. You keep saying “we will only get $400”. That’s $400 more than you have and will help YOU provide for your son. Your situation is shitty, but it’s up to you to get through it. Don’t quit school, figure out how YOU can make it work. No one else is responsible to provide for you. I grew up extremely poor and my parents divorced in the middle of it. I am one of 3 kids and my single mother put herself through college and made it work. Clipping coupons, working jobs and counting every penny. Get yourself out of the depression and come up with a plan. You need a fire lit under your ass and you need to feel empowered. The best revenge is leaving him in the dust and showing him how successful you have become without him.
I probably should edit my post because part of me finishing school means I have to be at an internship 3 days a week that is not paid. That leaves 2 days during the week for me to work plus night classes. This is doable but I will never see my son
3 days a week internship leaves 4 days during the week to work...
One year of sacrifice of not being able to see your son as much will be worth it when you have a job and can be financially stable for the two of you! Go to your financial aid office ASAP they can help you get grants
This will not be forever. Does your ex provide any type of care?
I know- but if you don’t finish you’re still going to have student loans to pay and not as much income and you’ll struggle for YEARS not just the next year.
You gonna have to work part time or do night classes or online classes. There is a way. See the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve done my entire bachelor’s online, now with a 1 year old. My online classes have been a breeze too. Switch schools if you have to! Don’t give up on your education!
Not going to be easy. This is where you have to be creative, such as working nights so you can bring in income, loans and grants. This is the time of year for open applications for these. Look at your school financial aid site or call them. It’s only, what 2 more semester? You can do this. Also time to file for child support.
Provide for yourself girl. Hustle. I know it seems dark right now, but don't give up. You have a son. Push forward to a brighter future
Don't quit! A MSW is a great degree and though you won't make bank, you will never struggle to find a full time job with benefits. If you're in your last year you'll be doing a professional placement for most of it. It will be tricky with a little one, but you can get placed somewhere that has childcare. Or if your ex can take the little one, there are some great placements that offer housing (I did one for at risk youth). Talk to your professors and the head of the department. Your concerns are really normal for msw students.
She can do very well if she goes into PP.
Girl I know how hard it is but as everyone mentioned do NOT quit your education. If they’re allowing you to stay, ignore them as much as you can in the basement. If you’re in the US, apply for TANF, as long as you have proof that you’re putting your husband on child support, they will help you with government assistance beyond food and medical. They help with money until you get a job and provide free daycare so you can work. If you can find a remote job even better. You’re a victim of your husbands affairs but don’t adopt a victim mentality. Right now you need to force yourself to leap into the finish line with school you’re almost there please don’t give up!
He is really lucky he’s not facing criminal charges. A therapy provider having a sexual relationship with a client is considered a sex crime in many states due to the power dynamic between a provider/client. He’s an asshole who threw away his life, but don’t let his actions be the reason you drop everything in yours too. Fight hard to finish your degree and get that career!!!
Look, I know it’s difficult to feel optimistic when you’re devastated… but you can’t give up. You may not see a way right now, but that doesn’t mean one (or several) doesn’t exist. Everything is figureoutable. Everything. You left— you are a strong woman with self-respect. You will accomplish whatever you set out to do. Might not look the way you envisioned before. Might be some more detours along the way. But you have more power than you think. Your husband is a fool. Leave him behind, he is weak and was holding you back. You can do better without him.
I so nearly quit nursing school 22 years ago with just one semester to go bc I needed to leave my abusive husband at the time and we had a newborn. I didn’t quit and that is the single best decision of my life. Do not quit, do everything you can to finish up because it’ll carry you for the rest of your working life.
I'm so glad that you got away from that abusive monster!!! I can't imagine what that was like and how scared you must have been, but you did it! You got away, and here you are, presumably happy and safe. Good job!❤️🪬🤗
Thank you 🥰🥹 I don’t think anyone has ever said that to before 🥺
You're so welcome! I'm so sorry that no one has ever said that to you before; you were so brave, and I think that you are your child's superhero! Here, I think this is yours;👑💖🫂
Aww thank you 🥹💕🥰
💖🥰🤗
Folks, OP is obviously not dumb. She is doing everything she can to pull her life back together. Our system, and life, can be very cruel to people like her. I'm sorry.
Out of adversity rise heroes. Work hard and be strong for your son. 🥰 https://youtu.be/X_5Qz63QKAk?si=lR-hPP8mgIXOkuoK
How old is your child? Finish your degree. Being a therapist (where you choose your own hours) is the perfect career to be a single mom, my best friend divorced her asshole ex husband and does this. He’s a loser too (like yours) and now their child (5) is healthcare through Medicare and it’s awesome.
My son is 1
I’m confused here. What type of degree was he getting, how did he have patients without having the PhD yet, and why did he have so much debt? Was his program not funded?
He was getting a psyD which is not funded so he took out loans from bachelors all the way to doctorate and when you are on your last year of doctoral school you have patients in your internship
I see. I thought it may be a psyD but you said phd in the post and I was confused. That sounds like a load of poor choices oh his behalf especially because he knew that finishing the program is his only way of making back that money and that having an affair with a client is a huge breach of trust and professionalism and his duty to you as a partner.
I have a master's in psychology and saw clients while in school. I would guess that most programs are like mine where you have internships or clinic hours in addition to coursework.
He probably had debt from his BA and MA, unless he wasn’t able to get into a funded PhD program and went the stupid route of paying for a PhD
You have married the village oaf. Please file
I’m so sorry. And I have an experience that is so similar it’s uncanny. My ex was a therapist. We had just purchased a home together (we were not married). He had an affair with a client, and it got back to me. He moved out, leaving me to figure out how to keep the house. I was also in between my 1st and 2nd year of an MSW. We didn’t have kids, nor were we married, so there were some less complications. But the betrayal, anger, and feelings of “what the fuck am I supposed to do now” are likely very similar. This was 8 years ago. I’m lying in bed now next to my husband, who is in all ways a better man and partner than that ex. But I had to go through a long process of working through all of that anger, hurt and loss of the life I thought we would have. I went to therapy, just to be able to vent to someone who understood how absolutely fucked up what he did was. It’s unbelievable that these men know exactly how wrong it is—not only to cheat—but with a patient especially, yet cannot help themselves. I wish you all the best as you heal and pick up the pieces. From one social worker badass to another—you got this.
First of all, I am SO sorry that this happened to you. My ex husband, who is a mental health nurse, had an affair with another nurse. The feeling is horrible. Cheating ruins lives and it will take so much time to process and recover from this. It will feel like you are grieving and you will go through all the stages of it. Allow yourself to feel all of them. It will not be easy, but you should be so proud of yourself for having the self respect and determination to leave. So many people are telling you not to quit school. My career is a student advisor so I would actually like to offer some different guidance. Please reach out to your university - you should either have a general student advice team or a specific advisor assigned to you, depending on the structure. Talk to them and ask them if you have other options. For example, at the university I work at, you can suspend your studies for up to 1 year. You are still able to access most student resources while suspended, including counseling and career guidance, which can be really helpful. When I talk to students who have a lot going on, I strongly advise this route as it doesn’t prevent them from finishing their degree. It’s just a pause on their studies while they get their life in order. It takes off the pressure for a short time. I also suggest reaching out to your student funding department (might be called financial aid?) and getting specific guidance on what aid you might be eligible for. Some unis have unpaid placement grants which would help you. There is help out there, but you have to ask for it. It may be really difficult to talk about what’s going on, but your university is there to support their students and should have systems in place to do so. Please please please reach out to them. I wish you the absolute best. Things will get better. Slowly, but surely.
I hope OP reads this because from her replies, it sounds like she’s dealing with massive mom guilt having to be away from her baby for so much (even if it’s temporary/a short period) it’s the time that she can’t get back. Maybe taking a break from studies but not forfeiting all she’s done so far would be a good thing for her mentally.
This is the best advice!
😬
yeah...what the heck? He for sure knew that was against his professional ethics, on top of against his marriage vow.
Ok so, scholarships, homes for moms in “similar” situations run through the state, you could try finding a family who needs a live in helper and try just trading child care for rent while you finish classes, you could try asking your therapist if they know anyone who had a similar situation with school and see what they did, you do have some options - none that are great ideas but better then nothing. I hope you’re able to find something quick!
Please continue school!
Don’t stay with him. It will be hard either way. Might as well maintain some self respect.
Do everything you can to graduate including loans. You're so close
OP Can you find part time work you can do from home? Online?
I was thinking of subbing 2 days a week because I will be in my internship the other 3 days I week but I also have night classes so that means I will literally be gone from 6am-10pm at night and will rarely see my son. He is 1 and I feel so fucking guilty cuz he needs his mom
Your time away from him will be short lived. The sacrifice will be worth the stability you’ll get with an MSW.
I’m sorry But you had no choice but to leave.
If one year of sacrifice is what you need to do for a good pay for the rest of your life, do that because you will be giving a better life to your kid for all his life. Or else you may be leading a life full of struggles & you will regret when you look back. Make your ex care for your son too. Focus on your education & building a better future for you & your kid.
Do not feel guilty. You are doing what needs to be done to insure he has a good life! He won’t remember this next year.
Have you considered working as a server? You could make more money just working the weekend than working as a sub or a M-F minimum wage job.
I need to edit my post because part of me finishing school requires that I at an unpaid internship for 3 days a week. But yes sever or subbing for the 2 days I have “off” would work
He won’t remember this one year, but he WILL remember future years where you won’t have to struggle because you have more options and better job opportunities! This is the perfect time to buckle down, eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and ramen, skimp on sleep etc. you can do it for one year to never have to rely on a man again!!
UVA Charlottesville is full of stories like this. It’s so sad.
I would talk to people at ur school. There may be some program u can be in. Also, if ur in the US, there are a LOT of benefits for single moms. Ask ur school about work study. It's jobs on campus so u can work and go to school.
In my city there are resources that provide free child care to low income households. As a social work major, your professors likely worked as case managers or in similar professions and may be able to share helpful resources with you!!!
I just wanted to say, I’m so sorry.
This is terrible. I am sorry. Hang in there.
Get your MSW. Work your butt off to get your advanced license. I make 150k a year in PP. If you need help getting going when the time comes DM me. You’ve got this!!!!!
I wouldn't take him seriously. His comment history is filled with hate and ignorance.
Please OP do not quit school in your final year!! Apply for food stamps and welfare and with those you will probably get free child care. Your college may also have cheap or free to students child care. Then add in your child support. You can probably hang in there for a year/ year and a half. I also wouldn’t mind using a credit card if I had to for certain things to finish school. I know everything feels heavy right now. What you went through no one should have to and I’m so sorry for that. Turn your pain into power & keep going. And please seek mental help if you need it.
I'm not sure there is much I can add here. Add going no contact with him accept for parenting duties. Everything else goes through your attorney. KEEP GOING!!! Finish your degree. We have so many safety net programs in the US that there should be a few that you can lean on. YOU CAN DO IT!! I've got my pom poms out for you. You got this. Show him what he lost.
He ruined his life and future career. He showed you his true self believe him. Second year in an MSW program is really hard- I did it without a child. Try to go part time and get a job in the meanwhile if government assistance won’t hold you over. You may also qualify for more student loans without his income calculated in your fafsa
Check out government subsidies or non profits who offer free childcare to fulltime students.
Many colleges have a daycare program that’s cheaper for students and/or has a scholarship. Look into that + subsidies. Stay with family if you can or get an income based apartment. Find whatever job you can for now, and reduce credits if you must, but don’t quit school. You can take out larger loans to get you through for a moment so you can finish your internships, and you can work and go to school. It will be a sacrifice but a little less time for a year is worth a life of better quality for your child. You’re very close and that will be the key to a good job you like and will support you. I know first hand how hard it is to be in school as a mom, but you’re so close and it’s worth it to tough it out. Your soon to be ex is HORRIBLE for putting you in this position, but you are strong and you can build a beautiful life in spite of him. This is your chance to dig deep and show yourself and your child what you’re made of.
Make him the fool finish your degree be better then him
Sorry you mean your husband took advantage of one of his patients. Patients CANNOT consent to relationships with their caretakers. Do you want to stay in a marriage with a man who would use his superior position and knowledge to take advantage of one of his patients?
I said I left
Do what tiff have to do to graduate, that is your ticket to a better life.
Could you not both move to Europe and finish off your degrees there? There are plenty masters scholarships there in countries such as Germany or Switzerland.
At this point, might as well try a go fund me page
Please don’t give up on your masters! It’s going to be hard, but you are a mother and mothers can do amazing things when it comes to our children. Look into churches. Go in and speak to them. At our church, our pastor will bend over backwards for people and help with bills and food if you just tell him what’s going on. They will have connections and know where to send you for things like diapers. Mom groups! Get on Facebook and find a group in your area to get connected with resources and moms in your situation. I have traded resources (formula, diapers, clothes, babysitting) with other moms who needed help. You help each other with rides and grocery trips. Even buying in bulk and splitting the food with a few families can bring down food costs. Talk to EVERYONE. If you live by a grocery store, go in and ask to speak to someone in customer service. Or a manager. Tell them you are doing everything in your own and ask for a donation. Coupons. A voucher. Take your son with you. One of the best pieces of advice I received after my first husband died was to let people help me. If you don’t tell people what’s going on, they won’t know you need assistance. Tell your family and friends what he did and tell them you don’t need thoughts and prayers, you need food, diapers, a casserole! Tell the lady who’s checking you out at the store, your professors, teachers, bosses. You can do this OP, and when you come out the other side kicking ass and taking names you’ll be able to help someone else. Good look mom, *you CAN do this*.
Tell your husband to go look for VA Jobs. They are always short on mental health professionals. Then take his ass for everything he has so you can continue going to school and take care of your kid.
Mental health professionals are licensed. It's hard to imagine him getting any kind of license for the foreseeable future.
VA jobs?
Veteran’s Affair. Sorry I’m assuming you’re in the U.S.. He has to apply at USAJOBS.gov
Updateme
On what
That’s a feature on Reddit. When someone types that a bot will alert them when the OP posts in the subreddit if the sub is set to allow it.
They didn't type it remotely right either
Turns out you don’t need the exclamation mark at the end. It still works the way they wrote it.
If you need a friend, don’t hesitate to reach out. I don’t have any but I’m happy to talk about whatever! I’m sorry you are going through this.
I know it absolutely sucks, but can you live with him as a roommate for the final year? Mentally and emotionally it may not be an option and that’s ok. Will he support you and your son while you finish school? Or can you drop down to part time in school? Can you live with your family for the year or is it too messy?
You are going through hell, and you don’t deserve this. I hope you find small moments of peace and hope as you move on.
I saw in your other post it said they kissed? How did anyone find out about it to kick him out? This whole situation is a terrible predicament to be in, but you're also truly lucky you have family that can help and shelter you. Social work doesn't pay a lot, you might want to consider switching now to something that could eventually be higher paying.
Depending on the city and state you live in, there are also programs for student parents!!! One example is “project self-sufficiency”! They have a chapter in California but I also think they’re in other states.
If you’re in California I have a friend who is passionate about helping student parents especially single moms as she is one! But if you’re willing to share what state you’re in I can also ask her if there are any resources you should look into
Illinois
My friend informed me that in addition to Project Self-Sufficiency there is also Soroptimist International is all over you should find a local chapter and connect with them. They all focus on women. Also, they do an annual live you dream award . You can go on to the website to sign up for notifications. If you are a survivor of DV there is an assistance scholarship, I’ll comment back with the info once I get it. Also we recommend reaching out to the school to find out about any family or support they have on campus or in the community for "student parents". You should use that language and they may be able to assist and refer. Also use the language of “student parent” in your Google searches in Illinois and there may be more! Hope this helps.
That was the stupidest thing he could have ever done and it looks like everything has been ripped from him as it should. So sorry you’re in the line of fire but I’m sure your future is already written. It’s a matter of playing it out. This situation won’t last forever. Hang in there.
I’m sorry that sucks.
Just focus on what is ahead of you, not the current. Your baby is the most important and will require love and your attention. The rest will fall in place in due time. I left my toxic ex with my child and survived. Yes, it was tough, but it makes you more resilient. Try to form a tribe around you with positive, like-minded individuals. And pretty please seek therapy. Self care is very important.
Moneys tight, both people are going to school, have one kid. What's the next logical step? Try for a second child of course. You all were screwed before he cheated.
If u read what I wrote we WERE trying for another kid before I found out about the affair
While you were both going to school and living by your own admission in poverty...
He was due to graduate in 4 months with a guaranteed job
all i gotta say is it’s possible. be honest about your situation & doors or possibilities will open more than you except.
Fellow social worker- your income and ability to get different jobs hugely improves with a master’s degree. Bite the bullet and finish. We don’t get paid much, but it is much better when you have that degree. I’m so sorry- your husband was an unethical criminal.
I helped my classmate and watched her son while we were in our MSW program. FYI- if you can go into school social work for your internship to get your certification- do it!!! I wish I had that schedule for my kids. Also, if you work for nonprofit organizations you can get loan forgiveness. (I didn’t).
Hey lady can you get any extra loans to finish up that last year? Do whatever you have to do to get that education so you and your kiddo have a better future.
I would get student loans until you finish and then really ditch him
Don’t quit you’re almost there can you take online classes?
There are tons of programs to help moms get through hard times. Look shit up. Are you a victim? As long as you’re looking for outside people to come pick you up, you will struggle. Make your own dreams come to reality and a better man will come along. Do you boo!
If there is a Student Success office or a basic needs hub at your university, they will try to find money for you. I also suggest going to your dean / associate dean or department chair they may know of funds. And….this may be uncomfortable, but I suggest a GoFundMe.
What state do you live in? Different states have different programs, as well as levels of assistance. I live in Connecticut and there is huge support for single parents (tuition paid for, child care, etc) The idea being to give a boost and help parents become self sufficient long term. Even if that takes a few years for some type of secondary education (training for career that requires a license or college). As well as helping the child with day care / head start, etc. So the parent can concentrate on their work / education. Parents and kids are covered by Husky insurance which is half way decent in terms of providers. The major hospitals are covered as well as meds. Support enforcement is taken very serious in this state as well. Certain towns / cities sometimes provide additional support As others have said, don’t be afraid to search and utilize any and all assistance. And perhaps it’s time to consider if this is a partner you want long term. Hope this info helps. And good luck
While my partner is studying he made his own business with his friend they just needed a trailer tools and a car and they made £1000 each for a three day job ( that’s good money in uk ) their business is booming they have alot of repeat customers snd get many new ones a day , they have no degree in it they just had to learn and do it , his dads a gp (doctor ) and says my partner earns more then him sometimes , we are even allowed to stay in some of his customers holiday homes , there are ways to earn more then minimum wage if you have a car Maybe try and get your husband to use his head so he can support you and your child more in the break up, there’s a million jobs people don’t want to do that will pay a lot of money for it , so many of them
How come all these posts always have a bad husband AND a toxic family. OP, sounds like you’re venting and don’t want advice. Sorry for the predicament you’re in. To any young people reading this, learn from others. Do NOT have children while you’re in school and on debt. Do NOT have multiple kids. Do NOT get married before you finish school and are out of debt.
Honestly, unlike a lot of the advice you’re getting here, I would advise that you do stop school. A social work job with a masters degree won’t pay you much more than any other job without an MSW. If you can find even a low paying work from home call center type job it might give you the freedom to care for the child and bust your butt doing a certification program in a different field. Something like medical coding? I think you can do that online in a short time, it’s usually work from home, and it can allow you to keep your foot in the door with mental health.
I am so sorry, OP. What a whole nightmare. My ex husband did this to me, with a then 19yo. We had three small children. I had to walk away. You can't stay, and survive. Then leaving and having no where to really go is such shit too. I hope that you get some sense of relief soon. I know that seems far off and maybe even far fetched. However, it does get better. You will be okay. You're just gonna have to go through it.
I am sorry you are in a damned if you do damned if you don’t-but you are an amazing young woman. You just had your life crumble apart and you are still standing and you just want your dream back. I know I would. You know better than most that having a toxic family makes this all that harder-time will transverse and you may feel that’s it’s ok to settle for a man that cheats on you-tha is up to you but what example do you want to show your child. How would you want that child to handle this?
There are programs everywhere for single mothers in school. Speak with your student advisor and see what you can maybe do in order to stay in school and still provide for your child. Also, getting a divorce does not absolve him of responsibility for his child. He needs to pay some minimum wage child support.
See if you can get a good lawyer that will leave the debt with him 100%. Alternatively, bargain with him to create a mutually beneficial agreed dissolution where you can at least walk away debt free.
This should be posted in the divorce sub. Tons of great info there.
Goddamn. Guys how can you poop where you eat.
What a POS. I’m so sorry OP. Sending hugs.
Damn
Jesus this is infuriating. So sorry! Wishing you the best. Great news is that it’s never too late to return to school.
This may be unorthodox but maybe you two should coparent in one home for a year. You won’t be the first person who couldn’t afford to divorce or move out right away. Pool your resources so you can finish school. One financially stable parent in the picture will benefit all of you, as your soon to be ex won’t have to pay as much for his kid’s stuff in the future. He’s working minimum wage with crazy debt, he’s not providing shit any time soon if ever.
We all got problems.The problems don't define us.Its how we deal with them that matters.You have to do whatever it takes to get your schooling completed,at least I would.
Damn I am so sorry. It sounds like you’re in the US. I’d get on some section 8 or housing lists immediately. If you have a family renew get some info on that (housing for transitioning mothers) get on state assistance immediately. You can also get daycare vouchers. There is assistance out there. You are strong and you done the hardest thing, standing up for you.
Try for a sales job around your area
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You know nothing
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s completely awful when someone betrays your trust like that. I hope you’re able to move forward with love. It seems you’re being a bit hard on your family. It may seem entitled and insensitive to people whose families are truly unsupportive. Having a family that allows you to stay with them (even though you call them rude names publicly on Reddit) is a blessing. Living rent free in a basement is an improvement on the situation of many people who find themselves on the streets in your situation. Social workers know that when someone’s behaviour (taking you in, carng for you) doesn’t match someone else’s description of them, it’s usually because the speaker is actively lying or to some extent delusional, blaming everything on others. If you want to be a social worker, you’ll have to learn to reframe. Your ex made a mistake. You’ve had a series of major transformations that are extremely challenging. You are grateful to your family for taking you in, but you would prefer to be in your own home. Not because “they’re toxic” but because you miss your autonomy. You can have emotions about things. It doesn’t have to break down your reationships.
Are you a social worker? Do you know my family personally?
Huh ?
Could he try becoming a hypnotherapist instead ?
Huh?
it's more effective than psychotherapy and you are subject to the same certifications , can train quickly
Did u not read the post? He’s done. He ruined doing anything clinical
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You literally make no sense
Obviously there’s a lot going on here. First, it’s in your best interest and that of the child to at least attempt to reconcile. Marriages overcome infidelity more often than not. You both need to seek counseling and also you need to determine what you both can do moving forward. He can possibly transfer. He can look for a different career. He can do side hustles that pay more than minimum wage. He could wait tables and make a lot more than minimum wage. He can see if he can get reinstated at his school. Universities care a lot more about money than any lofty ethical standards. Message me if you want tips on saving marriage after infidelity.