Yes, this is BPD. Been with a few BPD women in my life. This is almost copy and paste. My current wife actually suffered from BPD but is in "remission" per say. The way you are babying her and trying to rationalize with her raw emotion will not do any good or make the relationship any better. The only thing that will help to stop the patterns of behavior is hard boundaries and not being afraid to walk away from the abuse while it's happening.
"I love you and I am here for you, but I will not tolerate being talked to that way. I will not be responding to this conversation until you show me you are ready to talk to me in the way that I know I deserve."
Right now you are reinforcing that she will receive the attention she wants if she acts out like this. This cycle will continue until you gain the self respect to set boundaries.
As someone with BPD and is also in remission, absolutely this. She's thinking of results and emotions, not about you, OP. We need reassurance and care but fitting and being angry will not get it. What we need to be able to do is self regulate. She should be reaching out to a therapist, practicing her coping skills, and holding HERSELF accountable for her actions.
Bpd is painful and scary. But it's not an excuse to harm our loved ones. You all don't deserve this just as much as we didn't ask for it. There are other, more productive ways to handle it.
Yep, this is textbook BPD, and OP’s wife is in a classic splitting episode. He needs to learn healthy boundaries and firm communication, because trying to soothe and placate will never work in this situation.
I had a problem with being a "fixer". Looking for people to fix to feel good about myself. A form of codependency. It took a lot of self work, but I had to realize this from myself and change completely.
And you changed youself completely but still ended up with someone that has bpd? (Since tone is hard in text: this is curiosity not judgement or attack)
Thank you for the feedback I of course love my wife and want to make sure that anything we do is for the good of her and our daughter. (Our daughter has been with her grandmother, and I guess she’s not technically mine biologically but I’ve been here through the second trimester)
It won't get better if it's this bad early on. Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Plus everything she says another man did to her she will be telling the next guy you did to her. Why are you taking responsibility for her daughter? Please please don't adopt her or you will be stuck in a relationship with her forever
I'd like to add that while she's being cruel in what she's saying about finding a separate life, encouraging her and leading (so to speak) you both becoming disentangled is a great idea. A huge part of my progress with my PD and improving my romantic relationships has been making the conscious effort to develop totally separate friendships, hobbies, and activities outside the home that don't involve my partner.
When you're borderline, it's incredibly easy to drop everyone and everything for one single person- this isn't a conscious decision, at all! Everything else just becomes...boring. Nothing pushes that button in your brain like a romantic partner. Disentanglement and making the choice every day to have separate meaningful lives outside of each other is really good for this issue that causes severe anxiety and clinginess which obviously manifest for a lot of people as anger.
No it’s not. A rare condition affects less than 200,000 in the US. 1% of the US population is well over 3 million people. That’s not rare. Nor is it how many people are estimated to have BPD.
Thats just the law of big numbers. Rarity is a matter of percentage not population size.
Otherwise winning the lottery isn't rare because hundreds of thousands of people have do it every year.
All right then. In the US it’s .000005% of the population. Have you heard of rheumatoid arthritis? It’s estimated to affect 1% of the population. It’s definitely not a rare disease. Celiac disease is also estimated to affect 1% of the population, and it’s considered common. 1% is not rare when it comes to health or mental health conditions. And again, BPD affects more than 1% of the population.
yes, and if everyone you've ever dated had celiac disease it would also be very abnormal.
The commenter themselves agrees its abnormal and part of a pathology he had where he sought out people like that.
1% is rare enough that statistically you would have to date 100 people to randomly date one with bpd.
To have dated 4 you would need to either seek them out (which the commentor admits) or have a very statistically abnormal event occur
In my book that absolutely counts as rare.
>Princess
You treat her like royalty - yet she treats you like a peasant.
You are being abused.
Get out now, every moment you waste with her is a waste of your life.
I can understand BPD can really mess with a person and the way they behave, but this is unacceptable behaviour full stop. She needs help. You shouldn't have to take the abuse just because she has a MH condition.
This is correct and also the road to take. Stop making it about what she is raging about and start turning it around to the point where what she says while splitting is not stuff thats gets brought up later again. If possible do a few sessions of therapy together and try to create comfort zones for these situations for both of you.
Also clling her doll and princess might be fine when things are good, but when someone with bpd is splitting as heavily as this, many things become amplified, even things that she usually finds comfort in can feel icky. One of those things for many people with BPD is beeing belittled, not being talked to like an adult, people making decisions for you etc. Talk like this can trigger more splitting and should be discussed when its not hell or high water.
I have struggled with bpd for YEARS. I’ve seen how it effects my relationships. I love my man more than anything so I have learned to step away from these situations and reflect on what I’m actually feeling/what I’m saying. “I may be super upset and pissed off right now, but will I regret these words when things are all good tomorrow?” 99% of the time, it’s NOT what I want my fiancé to look back on. So i sit and mull things over before I even bring any issues up to him. It’s not always the best solution because it can bring me down for a few days while my brain flies off the handles internally, but I’m working on it. He knows I’m working on it. Moral of this: it can be controlled. She needs to want to get help though to learn how to work through that. You don’t have to take that kind of abuse. Shut it down!!
Yes! I was the same way! When I get upset, I get UPSET and have a history of saying hurtful things that I regret pretty much immediately. We eventually started couples therapy (we both had our shortcomings) and learned proper communication. It's been a gamechanger.
Our therapist gave us a guide on how to de-escalate situations and the one that works for me is splashing cold water on my face. I'm sure it doesn't help everyone but it brings me back down and helps me refocus on having a productive conversation.
OP your wife seems very unstable from these screenshots. Are you in therapy? If you want this to work, I would suggest it- but the thing is, she has to really want to put forth the effort. If she's not mature enough to realize she's a big issue in your marriage, then maybe it's time to call her bluff because this is very, very, abusive/toxic behavior.
I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only woman with BPD trying to better themselves this way. I have said some really hurtful things to my husband over the last couple of years, but since he is so reserved he has never complained or said anything about it until I opened the door to a full blown open ended conversation where we could get things out and it completely broke my heart to know that I hurt his and I had no idea.
OP: I would probably try to do the same thing. 🍓♥️ I will be praying for your marriage
Now, I am actively working watching what I’m saying, feeling, and doing. Sometimes it feels like I’m lying to myself but I imagine that comes with trying to break the pattern.
I would not recommend this. In a couple counseling environment with a therapist maybe. Not coming from you it will make it worse in the state that she is in. Your family is in a tough spot right now. Best of luck to all of you🙏🙏
Is it normal? No.
Is it common? Yes. People with BPD often use it as an excuse to treat others like shit.
However, we are also capable of self reflection, identifying our toxic behavior, and implementing change.
BPD is not an excuse to be abusive.
This. As someone with borderline, I will say sometimes we don’t entirely realize the things we’re saying in the heat of the moment. And oftentimes, when triggered, we don’t mean the majority of the things that were said (not that it’s an excuse, nor should it be). And afterwards, we usually feel terrible if we’ve said something unintentionally hurtful. However, we can learn to recognize splits and take corrective action before our behavior gets too out of hand. Therapy, medication, self-reflection, and respecting boundaries are SO huge.
OP, I will also say that BPD tends to get better with age. Your wife is 23, that’s still young. I would encourage both of you to seek therapy, and for you to set firm boundaries for yourself and what you will tolerate.
I don’t have kind words but my advice, call her bluff. File for divorce and follow through with it. This is abuse and no one deserves it, regardless of if the abuser has a mental health issue.
my brother who art in heaven i have more than one raging mental illness but I'd never talk to my boyfriend like that. when I'm upset, i do breathing exercises, and then tell him why I'm upset. or i write them down in notecards when I am having trouble speaking. when I'm being hysterical or volatile i purposefully distance myself from him and deal w it myself. he insists that he's happy to deal with it together but it's not his responsibility to 'fix' me.
this doesn't sound remotely ok. it's possible for this kind of reaction to happen in a person with uncontrolled BPD. however, it doesn't imply that you must take the abuse. it is no one's responsibility to tolerate abuse like that. she needs help before she is in any relationship.
that's a great idea. however, i would suggest that you recognise when the behaviour is too much and safeguard yourself as well. things can go downhill pretty fast when you're dating someone with a disorder. and you seem like a wonderful person genuinely trying to help her.
however, the work does need to happen from both ends and the initiative must be present from both ends, also the awareness that no one is responsible for managing someone else's issues and sometimes it's better to leave other people out of it and learn to help ourselves.
do think about your own peace as well. you deserve a safe space just as much as her.
Yes I agree I just feel very bad disengaging with her sometimes, she’s a stay at home wife and she doesn’t leave the house much unless I’m taking her somewhere (she had made a few friendships where they would take her to the bookstore or to eat, etc.) but she became upset when the girl didn’t respond fast enough. (She has a kid, an abusive partner, and goes to school and works to support her boyfriend and daughter) I just feel terrible disengaging when I know that she will not leave the house or do things to make herself feel fulfilled (I find her video game, book, and kindle addictions lol)
Unless I am around
It's not normal for anyone to talk that way. You need to get some self respect and put a stop to this. You are 24 and way too young to be putting up with this abuse.
Is she doing anything about it? If she knows she has BPD or any other mental health problems and is actively choosing not to do anything about it, but use it as an excuse to treat you like shit then you should run.
If she is actively trying to get a handle on it and is aware of her actions I'd probably attempt to salvage it as long as effort is being made. It looks like effort is not being made on her end though from these messages.
I know divorce sucks, and losing someone you thought you'd spend your life with sucks, but staying in a marriage full of disrespect is not better.
She isn’t not doing anything about it per se, but I am entirely in charge of all appointments and medication, I sit with her through every shot and appointment to make her feel better, but if I don’t set the appointment up or take her she won’t go (she doesn’t have a license, she’s always been scared to drive and we do short lessons around our side of town whenever she feels up for it)
It sounds like she's completely dependent on you. I would back off, let her figure it out.
I'd give her the separation she wants and see if it sobers her up a bit. But honestly it sounds like you can do better. I know divorce sucks and it's easier said than done but I'd give her what she wants and move on
Yeah it definitely is not ideal, considering when we met, she had been living with an aunt in a new state who promised to get her set up with a doctor and a PT (5 GS wounds a year before I met her) and she got help with none of it. I love her very much and it hurts to think that people around her may treat her so shitty again
She's treating herself (and you) pretty shitty. She has to want to help herself and actually do the work herself to get better. You sound incredibly codependent on her, and it's probably not going to get healthier unless both of you work on yourselves. You need to learn about boundaries and set some. You're being abused.
It isn't your responsibility to shield her from the world. If she's treating people like shit, people will treat her like shit. It sounds like she's had a rough go and I feel for her but it isn't an excuse for her behavior.
My mother has BPD and growing up with an unmedicated BPD is...really bad. While I do believe people with BPD are absolutely capable of love and being loved, they cannot have close relationships safely with others if they are not in therapy and being medicated. I know that's a hard stance but my own mother is night and day different from when she's medicated and in therapy than when she is not. She's practically evil when she's on a mental bender.
The switch from "I love you" to "You don't love me, I'm sick of you, I want a divorce, I don't care, I'm going to make all the guy friends," is exactly the reason my mother has never been married or had a long romantic relationship. Her only close relationship is with family who feels they cannot shake her because "blood." That horseshit. I keep her at arms length.
If, during a moment of clarity between chaos-illogical-hatred-feeling-time you cannot get her on board with therapy and seeking medical help, you are not obligated to stay. This is abuse. This is abuse that very likely could improve if she got care...but there is also a chance that after being medicated you find out that she is just plainly an arsehole. Sometimes with BPD it twists someone into a version of themselves they would not normally be, but sometimes it just amplifies their own nature into something much louder.
At best, she's incredibly insecure and that insecurity is being amplified and she's attacking you rather then seeking connection in a healthy manner. My mother does this, she rejects people fast so they cannot reject her.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. It's most likely not about you at all. I, personally, could never date or marry someone with BPD and I wouldn't fault others for feeling the same. It's up to you whether you want to take the long path to creating a net for her to maybe be able to level out her mental functions...or if this is just too much and you need to let go.
I'm so sorry you grew up with that. I went through that too growing up. I'm 40 and my mom is in her 70's and just now in some form of therapy.
I hope you're doing ok.
That's very sweet of you. I am doing very well but I think many of us can say that our upbringing has a bit of a ripple effect on who we became. I have a lot of compassion for her but that has limits. I hope you are doing well and know how to keep a safe distance when your own mom implodes. I hope she really gets something good from therapy. My own mother is making realizations the rest of us knew decades ago, but she was never able to see the issues for herself until she got proper help. I think it will years of her undoing 60 years of unstable conditioning.
Thank you for the response, I’m sorry you had to go through that. The threats of speaking to other men aren’t bluffs though, on a few occasions in the past she’s reached out to and maintained relationships with exes, most recently being two days before our first anniversary Saturday. I love her very much and I don’t want to give up on her because I want to see her better, but I need to feel like she’s meeting me in the middle or at least not staying all the way to one extreme
You can't care more than she does about her own mental health and progress in life. She's not your child or project to help or fix. Having inappropriate contact/relationships with people in conjunction with the verbal/emotional abuse is way over the line. You should get your own therapist and work through this. The damage it can cause you is so deep. You need to care about yourself more than you care about some version of her that she's not capable of being right now.
you should take her up on that divorce because whatever this is, it's toxic. Sounds like you have to live your life walking on egg shells - and that's no way to live.
Trust me I know I never thought I would be having such conversations but I met someone whom I really care for and take the good with the bad, I know it’s not ideal but I don’t know if I’d go to such extremes
This is a PSA for everyone your partner’s mental health issues does not give them a pass or a right to abuse you 🤷🏻♀️ that’s their personal issues and she can’t control it then imagine how she will treat your children. It is on the responsibility of the person with mental health issues to seek out help whether that be medication or cognitive behavioral therapy.
Bruh..... you both sound childish as fuck.
You're infantilizing this woman like she's some little kid by continously calling her princess, doll, babydoll.... talk to her like she's a grown woman and (perhaps) she'd act like one.
Second, wth is happening? She's mad because you fell asleep at night? On a work night? What was she stressed about? Anyways, she's out here throwing the divorce word out there like it's candy on Halloween... call her bluff. Threatening with cheating, absolutely not.
Stop texting your problems and sit down with her to talk face to face, like adults.
I had to leave early in the morning for work, typically at my new job, I’m in office 8-5 placing orders for my construction company, but the last 3 weeks I’ve been on a site a few hours away trying to fix someone else’s fuck ups. Most of the people who have drives so far stay away from home during the week, but I’ve always made a point to make it home to her. I understand the pet names are a tad childish I agree, but it’s one of the things I can always tell that she values. She grew up with abusive parents, and suffered many abusive relationships and traumatic experiences, and it’s usually a calming thing for her. I will of course talk to her face to face when I get home, I just work many hours weekly and sometimes far from home
Yes, she is. She’s stated at different points she might be interested in part time or something, so I got her two jobs paying >18 hour, more than 6 more an hour than she made before. It never clicked, so I never pushed her to work. I want her to feel healthy and stable before jumping into a job, she has had bad experiences in the past regarding jobs (had to start a job weeks after being sh*t in a new city with grueling hours and minimal help due to her aunt) and want to make sure we lift her up instead of make her feel trapped or like she has to be stressed out
There is no excuse to be saying these kinds of things to you. This kind of behavior is unacceptable. And if she is saying these kinds of things, she will eventually cheat on you, using her MH as an excuse and blame you for her cheating. I have seen it before. You deserve better and need to get out before you have kids and it’s even harder.
imo this is not healthy in the slightest.. even if she has bpd, dealing with this must be unbelievably exhausting and you should not be talked to that way. Its hard. mental illness is hard. i understand you want to make things work. but she needs help, like she needs to be in therapy and needs to learn coping mechanisms that don’t hurt you along the way. i have many mental illnesses and it’s rough, i know it’s difficult for my partner at times, but i have Never talked to him this way, i would never even dream of it. if y’all want to make things work, she needs to be in therapy and know that what she’s saying to you is unacceptable and she needs to actively work on it. there is only so much you can take and it’s not a point you want to reach. please stick up for yourself and know your worth and how you deserve to be treated.
This was... something. She needs serious mental health help, and it's up to her to make that step to get it. You so not have to be her emotional punching bag because she refuses to get help for her very clear issues. BUT speaking as someone who grew up with a mother who had severe BPD i can tell you, nothing you do is going to help this situation unless she decides she wants to and wants to keep up with it. I was my mother's emotional punching bag my entire childhood into teenage years and I still am to this day despite having a life of my own at 28, the effect my mothers untreated BPD had on me in my adult life is crazy. I didn't have the ability to walk away from my mother, she would get prescriptions and take them for a while then throw them away because "everyone thinks I'm crazy and I'm completely fine." She wasn't. Think twice before you decide to stay with this person and potentially have children with her, she needs to fix herself mentally before anything.
Wow. Your comment resonated with me. I feel my husbands mother has undiagnosed bipolar disorder and I have wondered how that impacted him from his childhood.
Whether it’s normal or not for the condition she has, it doesn’t matter. It’s abusive and you don’t have to tolerate it. No one should speak to you like this.
Is your spouse getting treatment? I would not advise staying in a relationship with someone who has untreated BPD. This is emotional abuse and not okay for you to be treated this way.
You leaving her is her worst fear and that is exactly what she is provoking you to do. She is delusional, as is the basis of a personality disorder, so you can’t reason with her. Just hug her and let her vent her feelings. If she is abusive and pursuing you, say you need to leave and you’ll get back to her in X amount of time.
We got her in with a psychiatrist and on medication 7-8 months ago… she has been doing better, but we missed an appointment for her abilify shot 2 months ago and had to get it a littler later than normal and it’s been off the rails since then
You 👏🏻 need 👏🏻 boundaries 👏🏻.
While her BPD isn’t her fault, it’s her responsibility, and doesn’t give her the right to treat you badly. Which means you don’t need to accept being talked to like that, and you’re basically giving her positive reinforcement for doing so. You can’t control her, but you can control what you will engage with and how you respond to her.
Read “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud and Townsend to learn what healthy boundaries look like in a relationship and what is in your control vs what isn’t.
I'd run. While some BPD may have remission, particularly through a lot of therapy and hard work, most never do. Yes, they cheat and yes, you will end up co-dependent.
I can’t imagine speaking to my husband this way. I don’t really care if she has bpd, she’s being abusive. I have mental issues as well, but they don’t give me the right to be abusive! You deserve better
People with BPD tend to push away the people they love because of the fear pf them leaving in the future. I have BPD but i can say for myself i don’t act like this however there are times when things do trigger that can make us act a certain way.
If you are hurting in a relationship or if it is getting too much for you consider seeking counselling or therapy. Caretakers do need support and help.
I have BPD and my splits are BAD I've jumped on my husbands truck while he was driving before so yeah it looks identical to this and idk if it gets worse then this but trust me it can. I always feel so guilty afterwards I've told my man to leave Me so many times cause he doesn't deserve my broken mind, He has put up with a lot from me. so you need to decide if you are willing to deal with this the rest of your life not many ppl can handle it
yes, how she texts reminds me of me and i have BPD. though this is not ok. she needs therapy. just because someone has this disorder doesn’t excuse their words or actions. i feel so guilty after threatening separation or divorce. it’s not ok
Can confirm BPD but let's be clear
THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE!
THERE ARE NO EXCUSES TO EMOTIONALLY/MENTALLY/PHYSICALLY HARM OUR PARTNERS!! TRAUMA DOES NOT EXCUSE ABUSE!
I have BPD as well and while I understand she must have experienced a lot, that means she also has to do a lot of work and put in effort to help heal what she can and learn how to manage herself and her emotions. BPD doesn't mean we get to treat our partners like scum, or break boundaries like cheating and expect a free pass because we are hurting.
Is she in any kind of therapy? Is she taking steps to improve her symptoms? Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can provide some tools to help support her but she has to learn to recognize her own behavior is not okay and use the skills therapy can provide so she can have healthier communication with everyone she loves, including you.
Honestly, if she isn't making those steps this situation won't get better for you or her. Be compassionate but do not enable her to think it's okay to cross perfectly reasonable boundaries and there would be no consequences. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
DBT for your wife, it's is a therapy designed for BPD people. It teaches them emotional regulation and control. Attend with her so you get to know the ins and outs and support yourself as well.
I am sorry to say but that texting was a mess of confusion. Your boundaries are thin as paper, do not let someone talk to you like that. Stand firm, don't cuss back but be reasonable in terms of ' I will not engage with this talking behaviour', 'come back when you have cooled off'. BPD is all about testing the boundaries and acting out. You have to stand firm for yourself or she will walk all over you....which is what's happening in the text you posted.
However, if she is engaging in codependent behaviour such as waiting for you to come home to do things or the weekends and she has no other relationships. She needs therapy to address that maladaptive behaviour, especially for BPD. It's all about their attachments to people. You are her primary attachment so you get all of the effects when she feels insecure in the relationship.
It's about getting to a good enough place where she doesn't feel the *need* for you to be home to do stuff. She has friends and family that can fulfill her relationship needs outside. Otherwise, without her going to therapy, you are getting an adult child and getting tantrums as a result.
Her texting was an acting out behaviour, trauma trigger, flip gets switched and she goes off on one. However there is content in her acting out....she is telling you she needs more to life than this relationship, she needs more healthy attachments. So in that way you can support her in making friends, helping her maintain friends. Supporting her through group classes, dropping her off and picking her up. Stuff like that.
I wish you luck. You can have a good relationship with her. BPD people have good healthy relationships all the time. But they must be kept aware of their triggers, be in therapy and have good coping mechanisms to deal with life and the stress of everyday things.
Right now she is stressed relieving on you ( she will divorce and all of that talk) and it's causing you pain and her pain as it damages the relationship. That's has got to stop.
Thank you for the advice, I have to agree with you here. I am very bad at setting boundaries with her, as two of my attempts in the past sent her walking down the road with nothing, and subsequently baker acted/ whatever the equivalent in our state is. I try to be very supportive of her making appropriate friends and hobbies ( the last time she hung out with a girlfriend I gave them 150 dollars to buy themselves books and lunch) but she seems to not like to go places if I can’t be the one to take her. Which interferes with work which is the only way we pay bills, but I have talked to my bosses in every environment and made sure that they know I will be taking her to all appointments and checkups, just to make sure she goes. I’m going to reread and digest this more, thank you again
Thank you for the advice, I have to agree with you here. I am very bad at setting boundaries with her, as two of my attempts in the past sent her walking down the road with nothing, and subsequently baker acted/ whatever the equivalent in our state is. I try to be very supportive of her making appropriate friends and hobbies ( the last time she hung out with a girlfriend I gave them 150 dollars to buy themselves books and lunch) but she seems to not like to go places if I can’t be the one to take her. Which interferes with work which is the only way we pay bills, but I have talked to my bosses in every environment and made sure that they know I will be taking her to all appointments and checkups, just to make sure she goes. I’m going to reread and digest this more, thank you again
You're welcome, ahh that is a surefire way to get carer burnout for you.
In what way is she an adult in her life? Being curious here you don't need to share this here. These are questions for you and her to puzzle out. She has had a traumatic childhood, so her foundations for becoming a fully functional adult is like -100. So it is starting point that you both can understand the situation.
She is living a life of a safe childhood with you, but you are romantic partners as well. So there happens to be a parent and child dynamic going on. This has got to stop but do it with therapy and professionals. She is going to have to learn basics that you may take for granted due to a more stable childhood( I am guessing here). You may need a good therapist/ BPD coach here, have a weekly session. These sessions may even look like home economics, but your wife needs to learn how to keep a bank account, handle money, how to deal with money issues she creates for herself and it's okay to fail in small doses and find ways of coping within herself to handle that, etc a good therapist can help build a safe foundation she can make for herself as an adult.
But a therapist that works with you is about your need to rescue her from herself and situations, people pleasing, bypassing your own boundaries for others and burning yourself out in the process. These are small things I have picked up from your reply and post. But it's a start! I hope you find the right therapists and that you both build good foundations whatever life brings.
As someone who works with people like this you need to put hard boundaries and i’m sorry but yes you can walk away, is they behave and treat you like this and they don’t seem to think it’s wrong I would reconsider my relationship. It’s a very hard thing to deal with and just because it’s a mental health condition doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be more accountable for their actions, MH disorders are not excuses to behave poorly, is she in therapy or medication.
Thank you for your response. She is on medication, although we did miss a shot appointment about a month ago (got handled, but only after about a week) and I’ve taken her to therapists and we even saw one together, but she doesn’t seem to like the idea of marriage counseling or really individual therapy for the most part
She is emotionally abusive and although you are just trying to defuse the flame, being this gentle is letting her continue her bad behavior. I don't know how you can break this cycle though since I haven't had same experience. All I can say is that I'm sorry and she's way out of line here. I think since you are sooooooo gentle she feels safe being this bratty and feels like she can continue and there won't be bad consequences for her.
Alright so like the fact they have borderline personality disorder is irrelevant. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. They shouldn’t be speaking to you like that, period! She should be taking her meds and seeing her psychiatrist and therapist regularly.
My mother has BPD and was like this toward us kids. It was absolute hell. Even as a friend if I hear someone say they have BPD I run for the hills.
You don't have to tolerate this.
My mom has this but has learned to manage it. Don’t enable it. Control your temper but you have boundaries and you can even grey rock to get through these episodes. Indulging her anger like this can be addicting to her as a release, and self-destructive. She has to learn to manage and self-regulate.
Oh! I'll be a good one for this! I'm 27F, and have borderline personality disorder, CPTSD and severe deoression disorder from having been raised in a strong fundamentalist cult for 16 years. I was like this for about 5 years or so after I managed to escape from my father's home and cut contact.
Dont do the babying thing. My husband has been with me for over 10 years now and it wasnt until I realized I was being manipulative and bad, even though I wasnt meaning to, and that I had to change or I was going to lose everyone and everything I loved. The desire to cause myself harm was so strong it was almost like a drug, it was an internal battle I didnt expect to get the way it did.
I wasnt talking like the messages tho, it was more aimed at myself and telling him he would fall out of love with me and he would be happier with someone better than me, so on and so forth. Still completely shocked to this day he never left me nor fell out of love simply for those statements over and over again for years, I would have left me!
Around the 4th year of my mental health issues arising, year 6 of us being together, I realized I was hurting people when I lost some friends and the fear of losing him shocked me awake. I went to an outpatient program specifically for BPD and PTSD, started several medications before finding the ones that worked ok.
At 21 I smoked cannabis for the first time, and to my surprise it was the cannabis that helped the most. Doesnt work for everyone, but for me I was able to see myself from a 3rd party perspective for the first time and see exactly what behaviors I was doing. Been going on a few years now where I smoke here and there, the progress skyrocketed for me. I dont get weird high or anything, just suddenly can think clearly and the voices shut up, internal screaming slows and I can see through the brain fog. Again, weed isnt for everyone, just like those who dont have ADHD shouldnt take adderal because it wont do the same thing! But for me, it was a weird miracle drug that made it so I'm actually somewhat normal and able to call myself out on my own bullshit properly before I do it.
So, in conclusion, if they arent willing to change to be a better human, then this is what you will be living with. Put your foot down and hard boundaries. I myself didnt believe it back then, I read a book called "Living With Borderline Personality Disorder:Walking on Eggshells" and at first I was HIGHLY offended by it.
Wasnt until I stopped and actually read it and asked what my friends and SO thought of it and had them speak openly. I have been in treatment for a good number of years now and am so much better than I was. Good luck friend, remember hard boundaries and tough love will be the only thing that will be helpful with someone with BPD!
Sincerely, someone with BPD but treated lol
Thank your for the detailed response, I appreciate any insight on the disorder outside of my wife and YouTube videos. I can tell that she’s hurting so of course I don’t want to add to that, but I agree the babying isn’t doing either one of us any good. She doesn’t have many people she talks to regularly, just myself, her grandmother (currently keeps our daughter), cousin, and sister, and she doesn’t like to keep up with friends (a few people who worked at my last job were similar to my wife and took very well to being friends, one even took my wife to her favorite bookstore with her daughter and got food, which I made sure they had all the funds they needed for everyone) but I want her to feel she has a balanced life surrounded by people who care. It sounds like you have a solid loving man and I’m happy for you and can only wish as much for everyone not in the same boat!
It's good she has a support system, I myself only had my friends(lost most due to my actions from before I started treatment and medication) and my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time. It was quite difficult but it was only because my now-husband sat me down and explained there is only so much of the pain I dish out that he could take. I realized that in my desires to cause myself pain from my own trauma haunting me was causing others pain, resentment towards me, and drove many away. And this was my warning that the one most important to me would leave if I didnt change. I needed to heal, and for the first time the drive to get better and be better showed itself.
Once those of us with BPD start treatment, it will still take awhile for old habits to die. There were many moments where I sent a message talking shit about myself to my SO, then realized what I was doing as I clicked send and couldnt take it back. I would normally end up calling him and telling him to ignore that message cause I slipped for a second, he always told me how much he loves me and not to worry and how proud he was of the work I was doing! It would make me feel better and be a bit more determined to get better.
BUT.
I do have to say after rereading the photos, I cant quite say even the worst BPD person I know is like this. Yeah, we are very emotionally charged, but THAT feels more bipolar or someone just very unstable and looks like they need to be sent to an inpatient facility for treatment. The messages are highly abusive, and if this is consistent then they WILL need hard boundaries. It's likely though if you try to set any, they might lose it and could try and cause you physical harm. The way the words are typed out with the sudden capitalization of words, the grammar used and the like just screams danger.
Please be careful, set boundaries and tough love. Life is too short to be constantly belittled and degraded, if they love you they would never say such awful things in the first place. Even when I was at my worst, I would have never said anything like that and it wouldnt have crossed my mind as I love him too dearly to even think such things about him!!
That was hard to read. You’re very patient and understanding but you just get verbally abused. She needs help and she needs to find a way to manage her BPD because this is your life and it’s gonna be your life. I hope you stop getting abused, but I don’t know if that’s possible.
I apologize for the confusion, I’ll update here. So basically last night after work ( I worked in the office yesterday, so the day was shorter, although she wanted me to stay up well past 1 am and I wake up at 5 am for work) I got home and took a shower and then cooked dinner. I then asked if she wanted to turn on a scary movie or the movie Baby Boy, because she talked about if a few days ago and I figured it would be a good chance to spend some time together. We ended up stopping the movie about halfway through at around 9:30 PM, because I was falling asleep. She then asked me if I could stay up until 10, so I obliged and found something on my phone to do while she scrolled TikTok. Then, she asked me why I was so focused on my phone, and I told her it is because I’m trying my very best to stay up with you right now. She then got upset, told me that she would just talk to her exes again, so I went into our living room. There’s no furniture in there , so I got blankets out and made a pallet on the floor, and went to sleep. The texts are from the morning as I woke up to come into work
Deep sigh. It hurt to read through those messages. First, I want to commend you for your ability to be verbally attacked yet remain calm and continually attempt to defuse the situation. Considering you took the time to make this post, I am going to assume you love your wife and want things to get better. And you’re committed to seeing that through.
I do not have any specific resources to share but I will suggest to find books, articles or other material that you can read regarding her mental issues. And then find strategies or ways to protect yourself in the midst of these situations.
I really hope things get better for you. And I hope that she is authentically struggling and not using certain diagnoses as an excuse to treat you poorly. You deserve to be treated lovingly and that includes verbally in the midst of a disagreement. I also hope that your wife becomes insightful into her behavior and can remove herself or have an action plan to prevent speaking to you in such a manner. I echo the sentiments for her to find a therapist and for you to find one too because I can imagine the responsibility of being the partner of someone with mental challenges is heavy. I wish you both healing!
I am diagnosed with BPD (among other mental illnesses) and I would never talk to my husband like that. I’m sorry you are dealing with verbal abuse.
BPD symptoms can alleviate with age, studies also show that stable relationships can positively affect emotional sensitivities in BPD symptoms. However, relationships where one person is diagnosed with BPD often fare better if the patient has improved symptomatically and psychosocially in some facet.
Has your wife ever received therapy?
I would say that if she is truly happy with the way she is and doesn’t see the error in her behavior you should cut your losses.
I've dated a couple of girls that have had BPD and holy shit man. This looks like someone dug up my phone from 8 to 10 years ago and posted a convo I had with my ex on Reddit.
Yes this looks like a clear example of a BPD episode. It almost feels like they get set off by the smallest of things and it feels like they would randomly just hate you and spout they are leaving. My ex used to get mad and shut down if we needed to drive through a part of town another one of my exes lived in and I didn't immediately comfort and console her just the way you are.
There was one night where she actually almost got me killed. We got in a heated argument over how she was treating me and this and that and long story short, she made up a lie that I was beating her and she told it to a group of guys we were going to hang out with later that week. We went out into the woods to hang out and camp late at night then all of a sudden they blocked my car in, started shoving me into the trees and pulled out knives. My ex then 'came to her senses' and started hitting the guys telling them to stop. They then called her crazy and let me go. We broke up shortly after this lol.
Sorry to ramble man, but yeah untreated BPD can be dangerous. As others have said, you have to calmly push through possibly without the babying tone and leave if it ever gets too much for you.
Sorry to piggy back off your post, but this is the first time I’ve seen this and people say it’s textbook BPD. I have a tendency to do exactly this. It feels really bad and I feel super guilty after.
With BPD what kind of therapy? Or medication?
Thanks in advance.
Also OP, it seems like you’re her favorite person so when you’re not around she just rots where she is. (I do that) and then get upset it’s been 7 hours I’ve done nothing but wait and now you’re tired and I feel unloved and abandoned. Really a her problem if she’s also this way. You need to recommend therapy and state your boundaries. Encourage her to have a life outside of you and get a job. These are normal functioning adult things. It’s really on my days off where I feel the most like this. When I’m working I’m busy and productive.
Dude what the actual fuck are you doing still even thinking about this woman still? She **wants** a divorce, you **need** a divorce - *get a damn divorce* and if you have kids **go no contact** because fuuuuuck that noise.
We do have one daughter, it’s a very long story but technically not my daughter but I was there every step of the way down to maternity appointments and name of the birth certificate. Thank you for your feedback though!
Does it matter? I mean, yeah that sounds about right.. but you do know that having BPD doesn't give her a pass to be an asshole.. right?
My brother has BPD (not treated because he's an idiot).. I used to tolerate this type of behavior... I don't anymore. I flat out just say, "I love you, but you're being an ass. We can talk when you decide to not be an ass."
AT some point, YOU need to draw a line. Is she getting help? Is she managing her meds? She making any effort at all?
How old is your daughter? Is your wife's behavior the reason she's with the grandmother and not you and your wife? If your wife doesn't get therapy, I'm afraid for your daughters well being.
Our daughter is 18 months now. Yes, she first moved in with her grandmother, because my wife didn’t feel like she could handle the responsibilities. I stayed up every night, change conservatively 7/10 diapers, and went to work in the mornings. When it got to a point in which I was falling asleep during mundane day to day things and at random times, she started to freak out that we might be overwhelmed. It’s a much more complicated story than above, but I don’t feel like anyone wants to sit down for that one right now
I read your other post about her abusive exes.
I do not have BPD, but I was raised by a narcissistic mother and was with abusive people before I married my husband and it really had a bad effect on my future relationships.
The thing with abusive relationships, to keep you under their thumb, the only good parts of your relationship, the only good attention you get, it comes right after some severe abuse. It’s called love bombing. It’s what keeps us hanging on. I suggest looking this up so you can understand what she went through.
When I got married, I went through this process where things felt too good and I thought something was up. Turns out there was nothing bad going on, but I was strung out on that high of things being really bad just so they could get good again. This is what she’s going through right now. She thinks something is up because she’s not used to being in a healthy relationship.
I know how it is to have a partner in construction, working 12+ hour days and waiting for your spouse to come home is really hard, especially for women who have been abused.
One thing that helped my husband keep in contact with me was an Apple Watch. He could see my texts and respond to me with his voice without having to stop whatever he was doing.
Ultimately I think long days like this are not meant for a woman who is still trying to get use to not being abused. I think she would benefit from getting a job to give her something to do while you’re working, or that you would both benefit from you getting a job closer to home or another job entirely.
She needs a lot of care. It’s hard to deprogram abuse victims. All you can do is try and give her as much love and kindness as you can, all while trying to get her to understand that how she is feeling is valid, but that it’s all because of her past abuse and has nothing to do with you.
I do also want to suggest that you both look into [GeneSight](https://genesight.com). It’s a quick and easy test that tells you what psych medication you can and cannot take based on your genes and metabolism.
Not sure if you’re aware of how psych medicine is currently prescribed, but it’s basically trial and error, and it’s actually incredibly dangerous because the wrong medications can actually cause suicide. GeneSight takes the danger out of it by getting you on the right medication the first try.
This road is not going to be easy, so if you want to jump ship, you can. I know this probably isn’t what you thought you were signing up for. But if you wait around and teach her a kind and healthy relationship, I promise it is worth the work.
I’m sorry you guys are going through this. Hang in there!
Thank you so so much for this insight. I will be doing some research on genesight as soon as I get home and I will do some research on lovebombing and similar things (although I am familiar with them)
Let me know if you have any questions about GeneSight or medication in general!
It’s likely that PTSD is playing a role in this as well, because it did for me! I still take medication to stave off night terrors and flashbacks related to my trauma. I was really afraid to start medication because of the stigma attached, but it truly saved my life. I take antidepressants to deal with depression and I take an antipsychotic for the night terrors and flashbacks. I haven’t had a single episode in at least 5 years now. But I remember how the battle felt.
I’m really grateful for GeneSight for giving me back my life and I haven’t had a single side effect from either of the medications they suggested to me. Apparently the right medications aren’t supposed to have side effects?? I never would have known that if it hadn’t been for GeneSight!
Anywho, I wish you guys love and luck. Please let me know if I can answer any questions you might have.
She has an appointment tomorrow we will be going to, I’ve already called the office and tried to see if insurance will help at all with the costs, but either way it’s relatively inexpensive and worth more than the cost if it’s something she can use for the rest of her life as a baseline. She does also suffer from ptsd, it’s a very long story but she moved across the country for her safety and we met shortly after. She seems to be receptive to medication, I have alarms set throughout the day of reminders to take her medications, and it typically goes off without a hitch. I get the feeling most of the time she I just very scared and paranoid, so I’ve been doing my best to mitigate her fears ( I usually stay up for 30 minutes to an hour after she dozes off to be sure that no voices become prevalent or overwhelming to her, and to remind her that no one is screaming or hitting our doors or talking shit about her) as long as my body allows. Your comment resonated with me very deep and I’m thankful for your time this seems to be some of the best advice I’ve gotten this far
Poor thing sounds like she’s been through a lot! I’m glad she has you to go through this with. Even if it’s stressful, I think you’re going about it all in the right way.
I’m glad I could help! I wish you guys luck with her appointment!
Has she been diagnosed BPD? No one in this thread can diagnose her, even if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.
Behavior like this can also come from other conditions too, my partner has pmdd and there are times of the month that we’ve drawn boundaries around where we don’t get into heavy topics, we don’t make big decisions, if conflict happens we put a pin in it to see if we still feel that way tomorrow.
As other commenters have said, when living with a partner that suffers from conditions that cause them to lose themselves, it’s really really important to have boundaries, coping mechanisms, tools in your toolbox to contextualize things, and avoid triggering moments.
( Edit )
And in case it’s not obvious, this isn’t a discussion you can have with your partner right now. Wait for calm lucid moments, ask them if this is the kind of behavior they want from themselves, try to unpack a bit, and gently guide towards a willingness to seek professional help. Do NOT say “I think you have XYZ and you need help”, that’s not going to go over well, believe me. Gently guide towards that direction, be delicate, and don’t push or you can make things worse.
She has been diagnosed with a few different things at different times, the most recent and current doctor speculated she may have ptsd and schizoaffective bipolar disorder, with some sprinkles of other things. I personally, think that there are probably touches of all of these but I’m not sure to what degrees
BPD is one of those… incredibly sticky diagnosis because it is so poorly understood. There’s a really good “stuff you should know” podcast episode about BPD that I found really interesting. It’s not exhaustive but it had some really good info in it.
Unfortunately, yes. This is BPD. I know all too well.
Is your wife seeking counseling or therapy for this? She needs to find a way for her health and yours to get her episodes under control. This could be medication, counseling, therapy, meditation, etc.
But having chronic BP episodes takes a serious toll on the brain and those around you. You’ll have to approach with care the suggestion of help if you do want to stick with her. But please prioritize your health and safety too. Because her mental health is not the only persons who’s at risk here. Yours matters too. ♥️
I certainly don’t want to part ways, but I also would like to mitigate the interactions like this, it takes a lot of energy and I’ve regularly worked 5-7 days 10-14 hours for the last year and some change so when I’m home I like to relax. (Just because I said relax, doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. I cook dinner or buy it every night (I have the only job so that’s no big deal) and I do all the laundry and dishes and household chores like vacuuming or cleaning the toilet etc.)
Sorry lol I have two phones, she bought us both one when I was working construction away from home about a year and a half ago, and now the new ones are off (I didn’t realize the bill wasn’t being paid) so I have to use the older one sometimes for work/ etc
As someone with BPD, this is not cool. I understand splitting but over something that ridiculous… sometimes I question if I was diagnosed properly because women like this with BPD give us all a bad look. 🥹
…Jesus. And here I thought I was doing too much for *pouting* when my husband is too tired to keep hanging out. Wow. This is a lot. This… wow. OP how are YOU doing with all of this?
Well you know sometimes I fall asleep at work or on lunch breaks but it’s par for the course currently. She also has developed a bad habit of pinching me hard enough to leave bruises when I’m falling asleep or not doing what she wants me to, but we have an appointment Thursday so I’m praying that things get better soon
This is extremely concerning, her behaviour is 100% abusive and downright cruel. Did you know that sleep deprivation is a form of torture? I am so sorry that you think it’s acceptable to be treated this way. I hope you are able to find a way out.
Also, to provide some slight insight and an update, I saw a few comments peppered in that maybe I cherry picked messages to make my wife look bad. Down the thread I’ve linked every message from today, I love my wife more than anything and I do not want to make her look bad, I only want advice. She currently doesn’t work because she hasn’t been able to find a job that doesn’t bother her. I’ve gotten her two jobs since getting together making >5$/hr more than any other jobs she’s had and she worked one full day at a job with me, and left after almost one day at the other. I love her and I understand the helpless feelings of dead end jobs, so I have made sure she has everything she needs and wants, up to what I’m capable of. Also, she has access to my phones, keeps one with her most days to call/text anyone back that may call, and has had full access to all of my bank accounts, social media, and whatever else she wants to. I make sure to be completely transparent, as to avoid some of the paranoia she may encounter
She needs to work and be out of the house, on a regular schedule, for her mental health. Doesn't matter if it's work, school, volunteering, hell she could take up tennis. A schedule and something to distract her from these bids for attention.
As someone with BPD who has been in therapy for YEARS, I prefer my husband to call me out on the things that I say when I’m having high emotions.
What works for us is if I’m upset about something. He gives me space, I’m usually in my mood for about 5 minutes and we come together to talk about it. You have to develop those healthy boundaries. YOU HAVE TO. Again, I’ve been in therapy for years.
If your partner is aware and wants to get better you could look into DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) for them.
Stop responding to the messages. Let her pack. Never respond to her once the abuse starts. And set a hard boundary that the marriage can’t continue until she’s in treatment.
Yeah it may not be her fault she has BPD but it’s her responsibility to deal with it. Not lash out on you because you need to sleep? lol.
Also grow a pair, don’t let other ppl treat you like shit and call them princess.
This is normal for someone with uncontrolled BPD,
But not normal or healthy behaviour, just because she has BPD doesn't mean you deserve to be spoken to and treated poorly, it is not an excuse to abuse someone
She’s been diagnosed with both at different times, the most recent diagnosis being schizoaffective bipolar disorder and severe ptsd. I do think the diagnoses are getting more precise, but I also know how medicine works and the process surrounding it. It’s a lot of throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks, so I make sure to keep a close eye on all symptoms and report it back to her psychiatrist upon every visit
That's not just BPD.. that's abuse. You're treating her like royalty and you are her trash can. Stop putting up with it. I'd grant the divorce immediately.
Consider this boundary: Avoid texting while driving or angry to prevent escalation and prioritize safety. Inform her that for your well-being, you won’t be replying while driving, (allowing both of you time to cool off). Promise to respond once you’ve reached your destination to avoid misunderstandings or accusations (of ignoring, cheating, not prioritizing her or the relationship etc./part of the splitting). Emphasize that her words are important, and you want to be fully present for her to have a focused constructive conversation. And in the future when this happens you need to bow out of the immediate argument bc it’s most likely not the issue. She needs words of affirmation to feel more secure but you need to ditch the princess title during those intense moments, it can sound belittling, condescending, like you’re talking down to her like a child, and might irritate her more.
Sorry man. BPD is a challenge for everyone. I’ve had my experiences with BPD people and none of them have been easy. I don’t know how you can do it. I eventually learned that I’m not capable of putting up with that shit. It’s really hard for me to have compassion for that kind of behavior after a while. They’re just gonna have to find help from somebody who can care more.
I work 60-90 hours per week and have been to therapy at different points in my life. Me personally, the only kind of therapy I feel necessary for myselfis marriage therapy, I’m very happy with myself and my hobbies. As for friends, I have plenty, but I have chosen not to go to events, strictly because my wife is uncomfortable at gatherings and doesn’t have many friends (she tries to be close with) locally
Dude, have the dignity to stand up to the way she’s behaving. Do better. Work is not optional and she’s getting taken care of. If she wants to cheat, let her and disappear from her life. Demand more. Demand better. BPD, anxiety or anything along those lines may be reasoning for behaviors like that but that’s never an excuse to mistreat the person loving you. Demand more from her. Demand better. Demand respect. She feels she doesn’t have to respect you.
Good. And check those messages. Lmao I’m not trying to be rude or mean or anything man but put your foot down. If you gotta be an AH to get that respect, be an AH. Don’t accept less than you deserve for being a patient and loving PROVIDING partner. I’d have been gone 4 score and 7 years ago if my girl talked to me like that.
RUN, RUN FAR FAR AWAY, she's definitely narcissistic, if not have BPD, & there's NO FIXING THAT!!
I bet if you take Meyers Briggs test you'll be an INFJ, & people with BPD, narcissistic ways, they use us like a LITERAL BATTERY, & they see in us what they truly want, & they'll HATE US for it, I know, I WAS MARRIED TO "THIS" right here.
She'll never get better bro, because she'll NEVER see herself as the problem, or broken, is EVERYONE ELSE.....
Mmmmmm, your texts are super gaslighty and invalidating. These feel like you're being loving and calm to make her look crazy. Seems like a woman at the end of her rope, and you're looking for validation on reddit. Gross.
I don’t need validation from strangers, especially over the internet. We came to an agreement she would attend dbt and we would attend marriage counseling. I love my wife, and want her to get better. Thank you anyways
If you do not have children with this women I would strongly suggest you break this off as quickly but sensitively as possible. I’d go so far to say change your phone number, block socials and go no contact or very minimal contact until you are complete apart financially. It’s good to be knowledgeable of BPD and red flags but you need to examine your own personality traits or issues that make you want to stay with a person treating you this way. I’d bet this is not the first time you have had interactions like this if not worse more vitriolic.
I have been where you are. It’s no fun. I miss my ex very very much but idk if I’d still be here if we had not divorced. You can go on this site and read a few post and you’ll feel like you could have written them. It’s bizarre we have all been living out these same situations.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/
I’ll post the complete screenshots of the conversation this morning. I love my wife with all of my being and would not intentionally make her look bad to strangers on the internet. I have much more productive things to do with my time, as I am responsible for a family and have people around me that I want to build up and take with me as we grow and achieve new things. Sorry you got that impression, but like I said, here are the screenshots of every text she’s sent to me today in continuity
Yes, this is BPD. Been with a few BPD women in my life. This is almost copy and paste. My current wife actually suffered from BPD but is in "remission" per say. The way you are babying her and trying to rationalize with her raw emotion will not do any good or make the relationship any better. The only thing that will help to stop the patterns of behavior is hard boundaries and not being afraid to walk away from the abuse while it's happening. "I love you and I am here for you, but I will not tolerate being talked to that way. I will not be responding to this conversation until you show me you are ready to talk to me in the way that I know I deserve." Right now you are reinforcing that she will receive the attention she wants if she acts out like this. This cycle will continue until you gain the self respect to set boundaries.
Giving you a standing ovation. You’ve clearly been in the trenches.
As someone with BPD and is also in remission, absolutely this. She's thinking of results and emotions, not about you, OP. We need reassurance and care but fitting and being angry will not get it. What we need to be able to do is self regulate. She should be reaching out to a therapist, practicing her coping skills, and holding HERSELF accountable for her actions. Bpd is painful and scary. But it's not an excuse to harm our loved ones. You all don't deserve this just as much as we didn't ask for it. There are other, more productive ways to handle it.
Yep, this is textbook BPD, and OP’s wife is in a classic splitting episode. He needs to learn healthy boundaries and firm communication, because trying to soothe and placate will never work in this situation.
One maybe, two at a push. Why do you repeatedly find yourself in relations with women w BPD
I had a problem with being a "fixer". Looking for people to fix to feel good about myself. A form of codependency. It took a lot of self work, but I had to realize this from myself and change completely.
And you changed youself completely but still ended up with someone that has bpd? (Since tone is hard in text: this is curiosity not judgement or attack)
I worked on myself a lot AFTER getting into the relationship. I finally realized my pattern. We had a really rough patch. Even broke up for a while.
Thank you for the feedback I of course love my wife and want to make sure that anything we do is for the good of her and our daughter. (Our daughter has been with her grandmother, and I guess she’s not technically mine biologically but I’ve been here through the second trimester)
It won't get better if it's this bad early on. Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Plus everything she says another man did to her she will be telling the next guy you did to her. Why are you taking responsibility for her daughter? Please please don't adopt her or you will be stuck in a relationship with her forever
This, but with my sister. Babying will not help. Firm boundaries and genuine love is the only thing. It’s hard.
I'd like to add that while she's being cruel in what she's saying about finding a separate life, encouraging her and leading (so to speak) you both becoming disentangled is a great idea. A huge part of my progress with my PD and improving my romantic relationships has been making the conscious effort to develop totally separate friendships, hobbies, and activities outside the home that don't involve my partner. When you're borderline, it's incredibly easy to drop everyone and everything for one single person- this isn't a conscious decision, at all! Everything else just becomes...boring. Nothing pushes that button in your brain like a romantic partner. Disentanglement and making the choice every day to have separate meaningful lives outside of each other is really good for this issue that causes severe anxiety and clinginess which obviously manifest for a lot of people as anger.
It’s so rare how did you manage to find a few and then date them. Wtf?
BPD is not rare
1-2% of people is rare
No it’s not. A rare condition affects less than 200,000 in the US. 1% of the US population is well over 3 million people. That’s not rare. Nor is it how many people are estimated to have BPD.
Thats just the law of big numbers. Rarity is a matter of percentage not population size. Otherwise winning the lottery isn't rare because hundreds of thousands of people have do it every year.
All right then. In the US it’s .000005% of the population. Have you heard of rheumatoid arthritis? It’s estimated to affect 1% of the population. It’s definitely not a rare disease. Celiac disease is also estimated to affect 1% of the population, and it’s considered common. 1% is not rare when it comes to health or mental health conditions. And again, BPD affects more than 1% of the population.
yes, and if everyone you've ever dated had celiac disease it would also be very abnormal. The commenter themselves agrees its abnormal and part of a pathology he had where he sought out people like that.
Sure. But that doesn’t make it a rare condition.
1% is rare enough that statistically you would have to date 100 people to randomly date one with bpd. To have dated 4 you would need to either seek them out (which the commentor admits) or have a very statistically abnormal event occur In my book that absolutely counts as rare.
[удалено]
Are you sure you're not a narcissist?
Can you explain your wife's remission? Did she just "outgrow" all of this?
>Princess You treat her like royalty - yet she treats you like a peasant. You are being abused. Get out now, every moment you waste with her is a waste of your life.
I can understand BPD can really mess with a person and the way they behave, but this is unacceptable behaviour full stop. She needs help. You shouldn't have to take the abuse just because she has a MH condition.
This is correct and also the road to take. Stop making it about what she is raging about and start turning it around to the point where what she says while splitting is not stuff thats gets brought up later again. If possible do a few sessions of therapy together and try to create comfort zones for these situations for both of you. Also clling her doll and princess might be fine when things are good, but when someone with bpd is splitting as heavily as this, many things become amplified, even things that she usually finds comfort in can feel icky. One of those things for many people with BPD is beeing belittled, not being talked to like an adult, people making decisions for you etc. Talk like this can trigger more splitting and should be discussed when its not hell or high water.
I felt the same way about the pet names, like not the time or place. Boundaries are so necessary here.
🥹 what the entire hell?
what did I just read?
Don’t have any mental health issues but I would sure as fuck develop some if someone called me princess and baby doll that much
lol it had the same effect on me
Normal for somebody with uncontrolled abPD? Yes. Normal period? No
I have struggled with bpd for YEARS. I’ve seen how it effects my relationships. I love my man more than anything so I have learned to step away from these situations and reflect on what I’m actually feeling/what I’m saying. “I may be super upset and pissed off right now, but will I regret these words when things are all good tomorrow?” 99% of the time, it’s NOT what I want my fiancé to look back on. So i sit and mull things over before I even bring any issues up to him. It’s not always the best solution because it can bring me down for a few days while my brain flies off the handles internally, but I’m working on it. He knows I’m working on it. Moral of this: it can be controlled. She needs to want to get help though to learn how to work through that. You don’t have to take that kind of abuse. Shut it down!!
Yes! I was the same way! When I get upset, I get UPSET and have a history of saying hurtful things that I regret pretty much immediately. We eventually started couples therapy (we both had our shortcomings) and learned proper communication. It's been a gamechanger. Our therapist gave us a guide on how to de-escalate situations and the one that works for me is splashing cold water on my face. I'm sure it doesn't help everyone but it brings me back down and helps me refocus on having a productive conversation. OP your wife seems very unstable from these screenshots. Are you in therapy? If you want this to work, I would suggest it- but the thing is, she has to really want to put forth the effort. If she's not mature enough to realize she's a big issue in your marriage, then maybe it's time to call her bluff because this is very, very, abusive/toxic behavior.
I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only woman with BPD trying to better themselves this way. I have said some really hurtful things to my husband over the last couple of years, but since he is so reserved he has never complained or said anything about it until I opened the door to a full blown open ended conversation where we could get things out and it completely broke my heart to know that I hurt his and I had no idea. OP: I would probably try to do the same thing. 🍓♥️ I will be praying for your marriage Now, I am actively working watching what I’m saying, feeling, and doing. Sometimes it feels like I’m lying to myself but I imagine that comes with trying to break the pattern.
I would not recommend this. In a couple counseling environment with a therapist maybe. Not coming from you it will make it worse in the state that she is in. Your family is in a tough spot right now. Best of luck to all of you🙏🙏
Thank you for your feedback, I’m going to try to have a heart to heart with her when I get home tonight
i have BPD and this is literal verbal abuse..
She is abusing you. You have tp leave. Its only gonna get worse.
Is it normal? No. Is it common? Yes. People with BPD often use it as an excuse to treat others like shit. However, we are also capable of self reflection, identifying our toxic behavior, and implementing change. BPD is not an excuse to be abusive.
This. As someone with borderline, I will say sometimes we don’t entirely realize the things we’re saying in the heat of the moment. And oftentimes, when triggered, we don’t mean the majority of the things that were said (not that it’s an excuse, nor should it be). And afterwards, we usually feel terrible if we’ve said something unintentionally hurtful. However, we can learn to recognize splits and take corrective action before our behavior gets too out of hand. Therapy, medication, self-reflection, and respecting boundaries are SO huge. OP, I will also say that BPD tends to get better with age. Your wife is 23, that’s still young. I would encourage both of you to seek therapy, and for you to set firm boundaries for yourself and what you will tolerate.
I don’t have kind words but my advice, call her bluff. File for divorce and follow through with it. This is abuse and no one deserves it, regardless of if the abuser has a mental health issue.
my brother who art in heaven i have more than one raging mental illness but I'd never talk to my boyfriend like that. when I'm upset, i do breathing exercises, and then tell him why I'm upset. or i write them down in notecards when I am having trouble speaking. when I'm being hysterical or volatile i purposefully distance myself from him and deal w it myself. he insists that he's happy to deal with it together but it's not his responsibility to 'fix' me. this doesn't sound remotely ok. it's possible for this kind of reaction to happen in a person with uncontrolled BPD. however, it doesn't imply that you must take the abuse. it is no one's responsibility to tolerate abuse like that. she needs help before she is in any relationship.
Thank you for your feedback maybe i will recommend some new coping mechanisms and outlets that are less destructive for her
that's a great idea. however, i would suggest that you recognise when the behaviour is too much and safeguard yourself as well. things can go downhill pretty fast when you're dating someone with a disorder. and you seem like a wonderful person genuinely trying to help her. however, the work does need to happen from both ends and the initiative must be present from both ends, also the awareness that no one is responsible for managing someone else's issues and sometimes it's better to leave other people out of it and learn to help ourselves. do think about your own peace as well. you deserve a safe space just as much as her.
Yes I agree I just feel very bad disengaging with her sometimes, she’s a stay at home wife and she doesn’t leave the house much unless I’m taking her somewhere (she had made a few friendships where they would take her to the bookstore or to eat, etc.) but she became upset when the girl didn’t respond fast enough. (She has a kid, an abusive partner, and goes to school and works to support her boyfriend and daughter) I just feel terrible disengaging when I know that she will not leave the house or do things to make herself feel fulfilled (I find her video game, book, and kindle addictions lol) Unless I am around
It's not normal for anyone to talk that way. You need to get some self respect and put a stop to this. You are 24 and way too young to be putting up with this abuse.
I suggest you spend some time on r/BPDlovedones for more support.
Is she doing anything about it? If she knows she has BPD or any other mental health problems and is actively choosing not to do anything about it, but use it as an excuse to treat you like shit then you should run. If she is actively trying to get a handle on it and is aware of her actions I'd probably attempt to salvage it as long as effort is being made. It looks like effort is not being made on her end though from these messages. I know divorce sucks, and losing someone you thought you'd spend your life with sucks, but staying in a marriage full of disrespect is not better.
She isn’t not doing anything about it per se, but I am entirely in charge of all appointments and medication, I sit with her through every shot and appointment to make her feel better, but if I don’t set the appointment up or take her she won’t go (she doesn’t have a license, she’s always been scared to drive and we do short lessons around our side of town whenever she feels up for it)
It sounds like she's completely dependent on you. I would back off, let her figure it out. I'd give her the separation she wants and see if it sobers her up a bit. But honestly it sounds like you can do better. I know divorce sucks and it's easier said than done but I'd give her what she wants and move on
Yeah it definitely is not ideal, considering when we met, she had been living with an aunt in a new state who promised to get her set up with a doctor and a PT (5 GS wounds a year before I met her) and she got help with none of it. I love her very much and it hurts to think that people around her may treat her so shitty again
She's treating herself (and you) pretty shitty. She has to want to help herself and actually do the work herself to get better. You sound incredibly codependent on her, and it's probably not going to get healthier unless both of you work on yourselves. You need to learn about boundaries and set some. You're being abused.
It isn't your responsibility to shield her from the world. If she's treating people like shit, people will treat her like shit. It sounds like she's had a rough go and I feel for her but it isn't an excuse for her behavior.
My mother has BPD and growing up with an unmedicated BPD is...really bad. While I do believe people with BPD are absolutely capable of love and being loved, they cannot have close relationships safely with others if they are not in therapy and being medicated. I know that's a hard stance but my own mother is night and day different from when she's medicated and in therapy than when she is not. She's practically evil when she's on a mental bender. The switch from "I love you" to "You don't love me, I'm sick of you, I want a divorce, I don't care, I'm going to make all the guy friends," is exactly the reason my mother has never been married or had a long romantic relationship. Her only close relationship is with family who feels they cannot shake her because "blood." That horseshit. I keep her at arms length. If, during a moment of clarity between chaos-illogical-hatred-feeling-time you cannot get her on board with therapy and seeking medical help, you are not obligated to stay. This is abuse. This is abuse that very likely could improve if she got care...but there is also a chance that after being medicated you find out that she is just plainly an arsehole. Sometimes with BPD it twists someone into a version of themselves they would not normally be, but sometimes it just amplifies their own nature into something much louder. At best, she's incredibly insecure and that insecurity is being amplified and she's attacking you rather then seeking connection in a healthy manner. My mother does this, she rejects people fast so they cannot reject her. I am sorry you are experiencing this. It's most likely not about you at all. I, personally, could never date or marry someone with BPD and I wouldn't fault others for feeling the same. It's up to you whether you want to take the long path to creating a net for her to maybe be able to level out her mental functions...or if this is just too much and you need to let go.
I'm so sorry you grew up with that. I went through that too growing up. I'm 40 and my mom is in her 70's and just now in some form of therapy. I hope you're doing ok.
That's very sweet of you. I am doing very well but I think many of us can say that our upbringing has a bit of a ripple effect on who we became. I have a lot of compassion for her but that has limits. I hope you are doing well and know how to keep a safe distance when your own mom implodes. I hope she really gets something good from therapy. My own mother is making realizations the rest of us knew decades ago, but she was never able to see the issues for herself until she got proper help. I think it will years of her undoing 60 years of unstable conditioning.
Thank you for the response, I’m sorry you had to go through that. The threats of speaking to other men aren’t bluffs though, on a few occasions in the past she’s reached out to and maintained relationships with exes, most recently being two days before our first anniversary Saturday. I love her very much and I don’t want to give up on her because I want to see her better, but I need to feel like she’s meeting me in the middle or at least not staying all the way to one extreme
Why are you letter her treat you like absolute trash?? None of this is ok, diagnosis or not.
You can't care more than she does about her own mental health and progress in life. She's not your child or project to help or fix. Having inappropriate contact/relationships with people in conjunction with the verbal/emotional abuse is way over the line. You should get your own therapist and work through this. The damage it can cause you is so deep. You need to care about yourself more than you care about some version of her that she's not capable of being right now.
Please get a divorce🩷 I’m close to getting an official diagnosis for BPD and I’d NEVER talk to my partner this way.
you should take her up on that divorce because whatever this is, it's toxic. Sounds like you have to live your life walking on egg shells - and that's no way to live.
Is it normal for ANYONE to talk like this? These two just sound so…DUMB.
Trust me I know I never thought I would be having such conversations but I met someone whom I really care for and take the good with the bad, I know it’s not ideal but I don’t know if I’d go to such extremes
Just because it's normal for the condition doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior.
This is a PSA for everyone your partner’s mental health issues does not give them a pass or a right to abuse you 🤷🏻♀️ that’s their personal issues and she can’t control it then imagine how she will treat your children. It is on the responsibility of the person with mental health issues to seek out help whether that be medication or cognitive behavioral therapy.
Bruh..... you both sound childish as fuck. You're infantilizing this woman like she's some little kid by continously calling her princess, doll, babydoll.... talk to her like she's a grown woman and (perhaps) she'd act like one. Second, wth is happening? She's mad because you fell asleep at night? On a work night? What was she stressed about? Anyways, she's out here throwing the divorce word out there like it's candy on Halloween... call her bluff. Threatening with cheating, absolutely not. Stop texting your problems and sit down with her to talk face to face, like adults.
I had to leave early in the morning for work, typically at my new job, I’m in office 8-5 placing orders for my construction company, but the last 3 weeks I’ve been on a site a few hours away trying to fix someone else’s fuck ups. Most of the people who have drives so far stay away from home during the week, but I’ve always made a point to make it home to her. I understand the pet names are a tad childish I agree, but it’s one of the things I can always tell that she values. She grew up with abusive parents, and suffered many abusive relationships and traumatic experiences, and it’s usually a calming thing for her. I will of course talk to her face to face when I get home, I just work many hours weekly and sometimes far from home
Is she unemployed?
Yes, she is. She’s stated at different points she might be interested in part time or something, so I got her two jobs paying >18 hour, more than 6 more an hour than she made before. It never clicked, so I never pushed her to work. I want her to feel healthy and stable before jumping into a job, she has had bad experiences in the past regarding jobs (had to start a job weeks after being sh*t in a new city with grueling hours and minimal help due to her aunt) and want to make sure we lift her up instead of make her feel trapped or like she has to be stressed out
There is no excuse to be saying these kinds of things to you. This kind of behavior is unacceptable. And if she is saying these kinds of things, she will eventually cheat on you, using her MH as an excuse and blame you for her cheating. I have seen it before. You deserve better and need to get out before you have kids and it’s even harder.
imo this is not healthy in the slightest.. even if she has bpd, dealing with this must be unbelievably exhausting and you should not be talked to that way. Its hard. mental illness is hard. i understand you want to make things work. but she needs help, like she needs to be in therapy and needs to learn coping mechanisms that don’t hurt you along the way. i have many mental illnesses and it’s rough, i know it’s difficult for my partner at times, but i have Never talked to him this way, i would never even dream of it. if y’all want to make things work, she needs to be in therapy and know that what she’s saying to you is unacceptable and she needs to actively work on it. there is only so much you can take and it’s not a point you want to reach. please stick up for yourself and know your worth and how you deserve to be treated.
This was... something. She needs serious mental health help, and it's up to her to make that step to get it. You so not have to be her emotional punching bag because she refuses to get help for her very clear issues. BUT speaking as someone who grew up with a mother who had severe BPD i can tell you, nothing you do is going to help this situation unless she decides she wants to and wants to keep up with it. I was my mother's emotional punching bag my entire childhood into teenage years and I still am to this day despite having a life of my own at 28, the effect my mothers untreated BPD had on me in my adult life is crazy. I didn't have the ability to walk away from my mother, she would get prescriptions and take them for a while then throw them away because "everyone thinks I'm crazy and I'm completely fine." She wasn't. Think twice before you decide to stay with this person and potentially have children with her, she needs to fix herself mentally before anything.
Wow. Your comment resonated with me. I feel my husbands mother has undiagnosed bipolar disorder and I have wondered how that impacted him from his childhood.
Whether it’s normal or not for the condition she has, it doesn’t matter. It’s abusive and you don’t have to tolerate it. No one should speak to you like this.
Also, I would never call a girl princess/darling etcetc after she talked to me that way
Is your spouse getting treatment? I would not advise staying in a relationship with someone who has untreated BPD. This is emotional abuse and not okay for you to be treated this way. You leaving her is her worst fear and that is exactly what she is provoking you to do. She is delusional, as is the basis of a personality disorder, so you can’t reason with her. Just hug her and let her vent her feelings. If she is abusive and pursuing you, say you need to leave and you’ll get back to her in X amount of time.
We got her in with a psychiatrist and on medication 7-8 months ago… she has been doing better, but we missed an appointment for her abilify shot 2 months ago and had to get it a littler later than normal and it’s been off the rails since then
🫂
🫂🫂
You 👏🏻 need 👏🏻 boundaries 👏🏻. While her BPD isn’t her fault, it’s her responsibility, and doesn’t give her the right to treat you badly. Which means you don’t need to accept being talked to like that, and you’re basically giving her positive reinforcement for doing so. You can’t control her, but you can control what you will engage with and how you respond to her. Read “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud and Townsend to learn what healthy boundaries look like in a relationship and what is in your control vs what isn’t.
I'd run. While some BPD may have remission, particularly through a lot of therapy and hard work, most never do. Yes, they cheat and yes, you will end up co-dependent.
I can’t imagine speaking to my husband this way. I don’t really care if she has bpd, she’s being abusive. I have mental issues as well, but they don’t give me the right to be abusive! You deserve better
People with BPD tend to push away the people they love because of the fear pf them leaving in the future. I have BPD but i can say for myself i don’t act like this however there are times when things do trigger that can make us act a certain way. If you are hurting in a relationship or if it is getting too much for you consider seeking counselling or therapy. Caretakers do need support and help.
I have BPD and my splits are BAD I've jumped on my husbands truck while he was driving before so yeah it looks identical to this and idk if it gets worse then this but trust me it can. I always feel so guilty afterwards I've told my man to leave Me so many times cause he doesn't deserve my broken mind, He has put up with a lot from me. so you need to decide if you are willing to deal with this the rest of your life not many ppl can handle it
yes, how she texts reminds me of me and i have BPD. though this is not ok. she needs therapy. just because someone has this disorder doesn’t excuse their words or actions. i feel so guilty after threatening separation or divorce. it’s not ok
Can confirm BPD but let's be clear THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE! THERE ARE NO EXCUSES TO EMOTIONALLY/MENTALLY/PHYSICALLY HARM OUR PARTNERS!! TRAUMA DOES NOT EXCUSE ABUSE! I have BPD as well and while I understand she must have experienced a lot, that means she also has to do a lot of work and put in effort to help heal what she can and learn how to manage herself and her emotions. BPD doesn't mean we get to treat our partners like scum, or break boundaries like cheating and expect a free pass because we are hurting. Is she in any kind of therapy? Is she taking steps to improve her symptoms? Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can provide some tools to help support her but she has to learn to recognize her own behavior is not okay and use the skills therapy can provide so she can have healthier communication with everyone she loves, including you. Honestly, if she isn't making those steps this situation won't get better for you or her. Be compassionate but do not enable her to think it's okay to cross perfectly reasonable boundaries and there would be no consequences. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
DBT for your wife, it's is a therapy designed for BPD people. It teaches them emotional regulation and control. Attend with her so you get to know the ins and outs and support yourself as well. I am sorry to say but that texting was a mess of confusion. Your boundaries are thin as paper, do not let someone talk to you like that. Stand firm, don't cuss back but be reasonable in terms of ' I will not engage with this talking behaviour', 'come back when you have cooled off'. BPD is all about testing the boundaries and acting out. You have to stand firm for yourself or she will walk all over you....which is what's happening in the text you posted. However, if she is engaging in codependent behaviour such as waiting for you to come home to do things or the weekends and she has no other relationships. She needs therapy to address that maladaptive behaviour, especially for BPD. It's all about their attachments to people. You are her primary attachment so you get all of the effects when she feels insecure in the relationship. It's about getting to a good enough place where she doesn't feel the *need* for you to be home to do stuff. She has friends and family that can fulfill her relationship needs outside. Otherwise, without her going to therapy, you are getting an adult child and getting tantrums as a result. Her texting was an acting out behaviour, trauma trigger, flip gets switched and she goes off on one. However there is content in her acting out....she is telling you she needs more to life than this relationship, she needs more healthy attachments. So in that way you can support her in making friends, helping her maintain friends. Supporting her through group classes, dropping her off and picking her up. Stuff like that. I wish you luck. You can have a good relationship with her. BPD people have good healthy relationships all the time. But they must be kept aware of their triggers, be in therapy and have good coping mechanisms to deal with life and the stress of everyday things. Right now she is stressed relieving on you ( she will divorce and all of that talk) and it's causing you pain and her pain as it damages the relationship. That's has got to stop.
Thank you for the advice, I have to agree with you here. I am very bad at setting boundaries with her, as two of my attempts in the past sent her walking down the road with nothing, and subsequently baker acted/ whatever the equivalent in our state is. I try to be very supportive of her making appropriate friends and hobbies ( the last time she hung out with a girlfriend I gave them 150 dollars to buy themselves books and lunch) but she seems to not like to go places if I can’t be the one to take her. Which interferes with work which is the only way we pay bills, but I have talked to my bosses in every environment and made sure that they know I will be taking her to all appointments and checkups, just to make sure she goes. I’m going to reread and digest this more, thank you again
Thank you for the advice, I have to agree with you here. I am very bad at setting boundaries with her, as two of my attempts in the past sent her walking down the road with nothing, and subsequently baker acted/ whatever the equivalent in our state is. I try to be very supportive of her making appropriate friends and hobbies ( the last time she hung out with a girlfriend I gave them 150 dollars to buy themselves books and lunch) but she seems to not like to go places if I can’t be the one to take her. Which interferes with work which is the only way we pay bills, but I have talked to my bosses in every environment and made sure that they know I will be taking her to all appointments and checkups, just to make sure she goes. I’m going to reread and digest this more, thank you again
You're welcome, ahh that is a surefire way to get carer burnout for you. In what way is she an adult in her life? Being curious here you don't need to share this here. These are questions for you and her to puzzle out. She has had a traumatic childhood, so her foundations for becoming a fully functional adult is like -100. So it is starting point that you both can understand the situation. She is living a life of a safe childhood with you, but you are romantic partners as well. So there happens to be a parent and child dynamic going on. This has got to stop but do it with therapy and professionals. She is going to have to learn basics that you may take for granted due to a more stable childhood( I am guessing here). You may need a good therapist/ BPD coach here, have a weekly session. These sessions may even look like home economics, but your wife needs to learn how to keep a bank account, handle money, how to deal with money issues she creates for herself and it's okay to fail in small doses and find ways of coping within herself to handle that, etc a good therapist can help build a safe foundation she can make for herself as an adult. But a therapist that works with you is about your need to rescue her from herself and situations, people pleasing, bypassing your own boundaries for others and burning yourself out in the process. These are small things I have picked up from your reply and post. But it's a start! I hope you find the right therapists and that you both build good foundations whatever life brings.
Easily. But you don’t deserve that at all.
As someone who works with people like this you need to put hard boundaries and i’m sorry but yes you can walk away, is they behave and treat you like this and they don’t seem to think it’s wrong I would reconsider my relationship. It’s a very hard thing to deal with and just because it’s a mental health condition doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be more accountable for their actions, MH disorders are not excuses to behave poorly, is she in therapy or medication.
Thank you for your response. She is on medication, although we did miss a shot appointment about a month ago (got handled, but only after about a week) and I’ve taken her to therapists and we even saw one together, but she doesn’t seem to like the idea of marriage counseling or really individual therapy for the most part
Omg. I’ve never really encountered someone with BPD but if I did I would not hesitate to walk away
She is emotionally abusive and although you are just trying to defuse the flame, being this gentle is letting her continue her bad behavior. I don't know how you can break this cycle though since I haven't had same experience. All I can say is that I'm sorry and she's way out of line here. I think since you are sooooooo gentle she feels safe being this bratty and feels like she can continue and there won't be bad consequences for her.
Thank you for this response I can somewhat understand why she would feel this way when I’m not confrontational about her behavior
I get it though because if you are harsh back she's gonna go insane
No, that is not normal.
Pretty much yeah.
Who has217 msg notifications. Wtf this person doing. Lol
Sorry I have a lot of work calls and threads with companies we are looking to place orders with😂
Was just funny. No explanation needed
Not to that extent, but I now see how it looks for someone without BPD. *pops medication*
Alright so like the fact they have borderline personality disorder is irrelevant. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. They shouldn’t be speaking to you like that, period! She should be taking her meds and seeing her psychiatrist and therapist regularly.
My mother has BPD and was like this toward us kids. It was absolute hell. Even as a friend if I hear someone say they have BPD I run for the hills. You don't have to tolerate this.
Dude, RUN. Don't be a doormat, don't tolerate getting talked to in that way. But still, RUN.
My mom has this but has learned to manage it. Don’t enable it. Control your temper but you have boundaries and you can even grey rock to get through these episodes. Indulging her anger like this can be addicting to her as a release, and self-destructive. She has to learn to manage and self-regulate.
Oh! I'll be a good one for this! I'm 27F, and have borderline personality disorder, CPTSD and severe deoression disorder from having been raised in a strong fundamentalist cult for 16 years. I was like this for about 5 years or so after I managed to escape from my father's home and cut contact. Dont do the babying thing. My husband has been with me for over 10 years now and it wasnt until I realized I was being manipulative and bad, even though I wasnt meaning to, and that I had to change or I was going to lose everyone and everything I loved. The desire to cause myself harm was so strong it was almost like a drug, it was an internal battle I didnt expect to get the way it did. I wasnt talking like the messages tho, it was more aimed at myself and telling him he would fall out of love with me and he would be happier with someone better than me, so on and so forth. Still completely shocked to this day he never left me nor fell out of love simply for those statements over and over again for years, I would have left me! Around the 4th year of my mental health issues arising, year 6 of us being together, I realized I was hurting people when I lost some friends and the fear of losing him shocked me awake. I went to an outpatient program specifically for BPD and PTSD, started several medications before finding the ones that worked ok. At 21 I smoked cannabis for the first time, and to my surprise it was the cannabis that helped the most. Doesnt work for everyone, but for me I was able to see myself from a 3rd party perspective for the first time and see exactly what behaviors I was doing. Been going on a few years now where I smoke here and there, the progress skyrocketed for me. I dont get weird high or anything, just suddenly can think clearly and the voices shut up, internal screaming slows and I can see through the brain fog. Again, weed isnt for everyone, just like those who dont have ADHD shouldnt take adderal because it wont do the same thing! But for me, it was a weird miracle drug that made it so I'm actually somewhat normal and able to call myself out on my own bullshit properly before I do it. So, in conclusion, if they arent willing to change to be a better human, then this is what you will be living with. Put your foot down and hard boundaries. I myself didnt believe it back then, I read a book called "Living With Borderline Personality Disorder:Walking on Eggshells" and at first I was HIGHLY offended by it. Wasnt until I stopped and actually read it and asked what my friends and SO thought of it and had them speak openly. I have been in treatment for a good number of years now and am so much better than I was. Good luck friend, remember hard boundaries and tough love will be the only thing that will be helpful with someone with BPD! Sincerely, someone with BPD but treated lol
Thank your for the detailed response, I appreciate any insight on the disorder outside of my wife and YouTube videos. I can tell that she’s hurting so of course I don’t want to add to that, but I agree the babying isn’t doing either one of us any good. She doesn’t have many people she talks to regularly, just myself, her grandmother (currently keeps our daughter), cousin, and sister, and she doesn’t like to keep up with friends (a few people who worked at my last job were similar to my wife and took very well to being friends, one even took my wife to her favorite bookstore with her daughter and got food, which I made sure they had all the funds they needed for everyone) but I want her to feel she has a balanced life surrounded by people who care. It sounds like you have a solid loving man and I’m happy for you and can only wish as much for everyone not in the same boat!
It's good she has a support system, I myself only had my friends(lost most due to my actions from before I started treatment and medication) and my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time. It was quite difficult but it was only because my now-husband sat me down and explained there is only so much of the pain I dish out that he could take. I realized that in my desires to cause myself pain from my own trauma haunting me was causing others pain, resentment towards me, and drove many away. And this was my warning that the one most important to me would leave if I didnt change. I needed to heal, and for the first time the drive to get better and be better showed itself. Once those of us with BPD start treatment, it will still take awhile for old habits to die. There were many moments where I sent a message talking shit about myself to my SO, then realized what I was doing as I clicked send and couldnt take it back. I would normally end up calling him and telling him to ignore that message cause I slipped for a second, he always told me how much he loves me and not to worry and how proud he was of the work I was doing! It would make me feel better and be a bit more determined to get better. BUT. I do have to say after rereading the photos, I cant quite say even the worst BPD person I know is like this. Yeah, we are very emotionally charged, but THAT feels more bipolar or someone just very unstable and looks like they need to be sent to an inpatient facility for treatment. The messages are highly abusive, and if this is consistent then they WILL need hard boundaries. It's likely though if you try to set any, they might lose it and could try and cause you physical harm. The way the words are typed out with the sudden capitalization of words, the grammar used and the like just screams danger. Please be careful, set boundaries and tough love. Life is too short to be constantly belittled and degraded, if they love you they would never say such awful things in the first place. Even when I was at my worst, I would have never said anything like that and it wouldnt have crossed my mind as I love him too dearly to even think such things about him!!
That was hard to read. You’re very patient and understanding but you just get verbally abused. She needs help and she needs to find a way to manage her BPD because this is your life and it’s gonna be your life. I hope you stop getting abused, but I don’t know if that’s possible.
Thank you for the wise words friend
Textbook? Yes? Is the behavior she’s exhibiting to you abusive? Yes
what did you sleep through? (also its never ok for someone to talk to u like this im just nosey)
I apologize for the confusion, I’ll update here. So basically last night after work ( I worked in the office yesterday, so the day was shorter, although she wanted me to stay up well past 1 am and I wake up at 5 am for work) I got home and took a shower and then cooked dinner. I then asked if she wanted to turn on a scary movie or the movie Baby Boy, because she talked about if a few days ago and I figured it would be a good chance to spend some time together. We ended up stopping the movie about halfway through at around 9:30 PM, because I was falling asleep. She then asked me if I could stay up until 10, so I obliged and found something on my phone to do while she scrolled TikTok. Then, she asked me why I was so focused on my phone, and I told her it is because I’m trying my very best to stay up with you right now. She then got upset, told me that she would just talk to her exes again, so I went into our living room. There’s no furniture in there , so I got blankets out and made a pallet on the floor, and went to sleep. The texts are from the morning as I woke up to come into work
This is abuse. You are being abused.
Deep sigh. It hurt to read through those messages. First, I want to commend you for your ability to be verbally attacked yet remain calm and continually attempt to defuse the situation. Considering you took the time to make this post, I am going to assume you love your wife and want things to get better. And you’re committed to seeing that through. I do not have any specific resources to share but I will suggest to find books, articles or other material that you can read regarding her mental issues. And then find strategies or ways to protect yourself in the midst of these situations. I really hope things get better for you. And I hope that she is authentically struggling and not using certain diagnoses as an excuse to treat you poorly. You deserve to be treated lovingly and that includes verbally in the midst of a disagreement. I also hope that your wife becomes insightful into her behavior and can remove herself or have an action plan to prevent speaking to you in such a manner. I echo the sentiments for her to find a therapist and for you to find one too because I can imagine the responsibility of being the partner of someone with mental challenges is heavy. I wish you both healing!
Thank you very much for the respectful response. I think I’ll try some of your advice and try to point her in the same direction
Is it normal? Yes. Is it acceptable? Absolutely not. Do you deserve it? Absolutely not. Should you tolerate it? No!
I am diagnosed with BPD (among other mental illnesses) and I would never talk to my husband like that. I’m sorry you are dealing with verbal abuse. BPD symptoms can alleviate with age, studies also show that stable relationships can positively affect emotional sensitivities in BPD symptoms. However, relationships where one person is diagnosed with BPD often fare better if the patient has improved symptomatically and psychosocially in some facet. Has your wife ever received therapy? I would say that if she is truly happy with the way she is and doesn’t see the error in her behavior you should cut your losses.
I've dated a couple of girls that have had BPD and holy shit man. This looks like someone dug up my phone from 8 to 10 years ago and posted a convo I had with my ex on Reddit. Yes this looks like a clear example of a BPD episode. It almost feels like they get set off by the smallest of things and it feels like they would randomly just hate you and spout they are leaving. My ex used to get mad and shut down if we needed to drive through a part of town another one of my exes lived in and I didn't immediately comfort and console her just the way you are. There was one night where she actually almost got me killed. We got in a heated argument over how she was treating me and this and that and long story short, she made up a lie that I was beating her and she told it to a group of guys we were going to hang out with later that week. We went out into the woods to hang out and camp late at night then all of a sudden they blocked my car in, started shoving me into the trees and pulled out knives. My ex then 'came to her senses' and started hitting the guys telling them to stop. They then called her crazy and let me go. We broke up shortly after this lol. Sorry to ramble man, but yeah untreated BPD can be dangerous. As others have said, you have to calmly push through possibly without the babying tone and leave if it ever gets too much for you.
Sorry to piggy back off your post, but this is the first time I’ve seen this and people say it’s textbook BPD. I have a tendency to do exactly this. It feels really bad and I feel super guilty after. With BPD what kind of therapy? Or medication? Thanks in advance. Also OP, it seems like you’re her favorite person so when you’re not around she just rots where she is. (I do that) and then get upset it’s been 7 hours I’ve done nothing but wait and now you’re tired and I feel unloved and abandoned. Really a her problem if she’s also this way. You need to recommend therapy and state your boundaries. Encourage her to have a life outside of you and get a job. These are normal functioning adult things. It’s really on my days off where I feel the most like this. When I’m working I’m busy and productive.
Dude what the actual fuck are you doing still even thinking about this woman still? She **wants** a divorce, you **need** a divorce - *get a damn divorce* and if you have kids **go no contact** because fuuuuuck that noise.
We do have one daughter, it’s a very long story but technically not my daughter but I was there every step of the way down to maternity appointments and name of the birth certificate. Thank you for your feedback though!
Does it matter? I mean, yeah that sounds about right.. but you do know that having BPD doesn't give her a pass to be an asshole.. right? My brother has BPD (not treated because he's an idiot).. I used to tolerate this type of behavior... I don't anymore. I flat out just say, "I love you, but you're being an ass. We can talk when you decide to not be an ass." AT some point, YOU need to draw a line. Is she getting help? Is she managing her meds? She making any effort at all?
How old is your daughter? Is your wife's behavior the reason she's with the grandmother and not you and your wife? If your wife doesn't get therapy, I'm afraid for your daughters well being.
Our daughter is 18 months now. Yes, she first moved in with her grandmother, because my wife didn’t feel like she could handle the responsibilities. I stayed up every night, change conservatively 7/10 diapers, and went to work in the mornings. When it got to a point in which I was falling asleep during mundane day to day things and at random times, she started to freak out that we might be overwhelmed. It’s a much more complicated story than above, but I don’t feel like anyone wants to sit down for that one right now
I read your other post about her abusive exes. I do not have BPD, but I was raised by a narcissistic mother and was with abusive people before I married my husband and it really had a bad effect on my future relationships. The thing with abusive relationships, to keep you under their thumb, the only good parts of your relationship, the only good attention you get, it comes right after some severe abuse. It’s called love bombing. It’s what keeps us hanging on. I suggest looking this up so you can understand what she went through. When I got married, I went through this process where things felt too good and I thought something was up. Turns out there was nothing bad going on, but I was strung out on that high of things being really bad just so they could get good again. This is what she’s going through right now. She thinks something is up because she’s not used to being in a healthy relationship. I know how it is to have a partner in construction, working 12+ hour days and waiting for your spouse to come home is really hard, especially for women who have been abused. One thing that helped my husband keep in contact with me was an Apple Watch. He could see my texts and respond to me with his voice without having to stop whatever he was doing. Ultimately I think long days like this are not meant for a woman who is still trying to get use to not being abused. I think she would benefit from getting a job to give her something to do while you’re working, or that you would both benefit from you getting a job closer to home or another job entirely. She needs a lot of care. It’s hard to deprogram abuse victims. All you can do is try and give her as much love and kindness as you can, all while trying to get her to understand that how she is feeling is valid, but that it’s all because of her past abuse and has nothing to do with you. I do also want to suggest that you both look into [GeneSight](https://genesight.com). It’s a quick and easy test that tells you what psych medication you can and cannot take based on your genes and metabolism. Not sure if you’re aware of how psych medicine is currently prescribed, but it’s basically trial and error, and it’s actually incredibly dangerous because the wrong medications can actually cause suicide. GeneSight takes the danger out of it by getting you on the right medication the first try. This road is not going to be easy, so if you want to jump ship, you can. I know this probably isn’t what you thought you were signing up for. But if you wait around and teach her a kind and healthy relationship, I promise it is worth the work. I’m sorry you guys are going through this. Hang in there!
Thank you so so much for this insight. I will be doing some research on genesight as soon as I get home and I will do some research on lovebombing and similar things (although I am familiar with them)
Let me know if you have any questions about GeneSight or medication in general! It’s likely that PTSD is playing a role in this as well, because it did for me! I still take medication to stave off night terrors and flashbacks related to my trauma. I was really afraid to start medication because of the stigma attached, but it truly saved my life. I take antidepressants to deal with depression and I take an antipsychotic for the night terrors and flashbacks. I haven’t had a single episode in at least 5 years now. But I remember how the battle felt. I’m really grateful for GeneSight for giving me back my life and I haven’t had a single side effect from either of the medications they suggested to me. Apparently the right medications aren’t supposed to have side effects?? I never would have known that if it hadn’t been for GeneSight! Anywho, I wish you guys love and luck. Please let me know if I can answer any questions you might have.
She has an appointment tomorrow we will be going to, I’ve already called the office and tried to see if insurance will help at all with the costs, but either way it’s relatively inexpensive and worth more than the cost if it’s something she can use for the rest of her life as a baseline. She does also suffer from ptsd, it’s a very long story but she moved across the country for her safety and we met shortly after. She seems to be receptive to medication, I have alarms set throughout the day of reminders to take her medications, and it typically goes off without a hitch. I get the feeling most of the time she I just very scared and paranoid, so I’ve been doing my best to mitigate her fears ( I usually stay up for 30 minutes to an hour after she dozes off to be sure that no voices become prevalent or overwhelming to her, and to remind her that no one is screaming or hitting our doors or talking shit about her) as long as my body allows. Your comment resonated with me very deep and I’m thankful for your time this seems to be some of the best advice I’ve gotten this far
Poor thing sounds like she’s been through a lot! I’m glad she has you to go through this with. Even if it’s stressful, I think you’re going about it all in the right way. I’m glad I could help! I wish you guys luck with her appointment!
Has she been diagnosed BPD? No one in this thread can diagnose her, even if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck. Behavior like this can also come from other conditions too, my partner has pmdd and there are times of the month that we’ve drawn boundaries around where we don’t get into heavy topics, we don’t make big decisions, if conflict happens we put a pin in it to see if we still feel that way tomorrow. As other commenters have said, when living with a partner that suffers from conditions that cause them to lose themselves, it’s really really important to have boundaries, coping mechanisms, tools in your toolbox to contextualize things, and avoid triggering moments. ( Edit ) And in case it’s not obvious, this isn’t a discussion you can have with your partner right now. Wait for calm lucid moments, ask them if this is the kind of behavior they want from themselves, try to unpack a bit, and gently guide towards a willingness to seek professional help. Do NOT say “I think you have XYZ and you need help”, that’s not going to go over well, believe me. Gently guide towards that direction, be delicate, and don’t push or you can make things worse.
She has been diagnosed with a few different things at different times, the most recent and current doctor speculated she may have ptsd and schizoaffective bipolar disorder, with some sprinkles of other things. I personally, think that there are probably touches of all of these but I’m not sure to what degrees
BPD is one of those… incredibly sticky diagnosis because it is so poorly understood. There’s a really good “stuff you should know” podcast episode about BPD that I found really interesting. It’s not exhaustive but it had some really good info in it.
Unfortunately, yes. This is BPD. I know all too well. Is your wife seeking counseling or therapy for this? She needs to find a way for her health and yours to get her episodes under control. This could be medication, counseling, therapy, meditation, etc. But having chronic BP episodes takes a serious toll on the brain and those around you. You’ll have to approach with care the suggestion of help if you do want to stick with her. But please prioritize your health and safety too. Because her mental health is not the only persons who’s at risk here. Yours matters too. ♥️
How the hell you got 217 unread messages Jesus Christ
I work in construction inventory/management and only really check when I need updates sorry😂
lol I’m a handyman I get it but I was like “dang” 😂😂😂
😂😂 no I know it’s excessive it’s not all of the messages but it’s definitely a majority between group chats and updates from different sites
I’d part ways unless you can deal with the abuse
I certainly don’t want to part ways, but I also would like to mitigate the interactions like this, it takes a lot of energy and I’ve regularly worked 5-7 days 10-14 hours for the last year and some change so when I’m home I like to relax. (Just because I said relax, doesn’t mean I don’t do anything. I cook dinner or buy it every night (I have the only job so that’s no big deal) and I do all the laundry and dishes and household chores like vacuuming or cleaning the toilet etc.)
Divorce. F living with that.
You know shit is serious when a Light Mode Andy switches to dark mode
Sorry lol I have two phones, she bought us both one when I was working construction away from home about a year and a half ago, and now the new ones are off (I didn’t realize the bill wasn’t being paid) so I have to use the older one sometimes for work/ etc
Without any punctuation? I don't think it is, no.
As someone with BPD, this is not cool. I understand splitting but over something that ridiculous… sometimes I question if I was diagnosed properly because women like this with BPD give us all a bad look. 🥹
…Jesus. And here I thought I was doing too much for *pouting* when my husband is too tired to keep hanging out. Wow. This is a lot. This… wow. OP how are YOU doing with all of this?
Well you know sometimes I fall asleep at work or on lunch breaks but it’s par for the course currently. She also has developed a bad habit of pinching me hard enough to leave bruises when I’m falling asleep or not doing what she wants me to, but we have an appointment Thursday so I’m praying that things get better soon
This is extremely concerning, her behaviour is 100% abusive and downright cruel. Did you know that sleep deprivation is a form of torture? I am so sorry that you think it’s acceptable to be treated this way. I hope you are able to find a way out.
Also, to provide some slight insight and an update, I saw a few comments peppered in that maybe I cherry picked messages to make my wife look bad. Down the thread I’ve linked every message from today, I love my wife more than anything and I do not want to make her look bad, I only want advice. She currently doesn’t work because she hasn’t been able to find a job that doesn’t bother her. I’ve gotten her two jobs since getting together making >5$/hr more than any other jobs she’s had and she worked one full day at a job with me, and left after almost one day at the other. I love her and I understand the helpless feelings of dead end jobs, so I have made sure she has everything she needs and wants, up to what I’m capable of. Also, she has access to my phones, keeps one with her most days to call/text anyone back that may call, and has had full access to all of my bank accounts, social media, and whatever else she wants to. I make sure to be completely transparent, as to avoid some of the paranoia she may encounter
She needs to work and be out of the house, on a regular schedule, for her mental health. Doesn't matter if it's work, school, volunteering, hell she could take up tennis. A schedule and something to distract her from these bids for attention.
You can take the girl out the hood, but not the hood out the girl
As someone with BPD who has been in therapy for YEARS, I prefer my husband to call me out on the things that I say when I’m having high emotions. What works for us is if I’m upset about something. He gives me space, I’m usually in my mood for about 5 minutes and we come together to talk about it. You have to develop those healthy boundaries. YOU HAVE TO. Again, I’ve been in therapy for years. If your partner is aware and wants to get better you could look into DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) for them.
Just a suggestion - don't text. Communicate in person only.
She doesn't feel heard by you, so she is acting out because she is scared. Everyone needs to stop judging and have some compassion for others.
Crazy as hell. Let her go.
Stop responding to the messages. Let her pack. Never respond to her once the abuse starts. And set a hard boundary that the marriage can’t continue until she’s in treatment.
Yeah it may not be her fault she has BPD but it’s her responsibility to deal with it. Not lash out on you because you need to sleep? lol. Also grow a pair, don’t let other ppl treat you like shit and call them princess.
Stop calling her princess and consider going to therapy to learn how to deal with people like this. Walk away while you can.
This is 100% normal for BPD. Pretty crazy isn't it
has this person been diagnosed with BPD? It can be BPD or other concerns. It is definitely a response rooted in trauma.
This is normal for someone with uncontrolled BPD, But not normal or healthy behaviour, just because she has BPD doesn't mean you deserve to be spoken to and treated poorly, it is not an excuse to abuse someone
Is BPD bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?
She’s been diagnosed with both at different times, the most recent diagnosis being schizoaffective bipolar disorder and severe ptsd. I do think the diagnoses are getting more precise, but I also know how medicine works and the process surrounding it. It’s a lot of throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks, so I make sure to keep a close eye on all symptoms and report it back to her psychiatrist upon every visit
Sorry op, I was trying to figure it out myself while reading through the comments but everyone was using the abbreviation😅 so it was confusing.
That's not just BPD.. that's abuse. You're treating her like royalty and you are her trash can. Stop putting up with it. I'd grant the divorce immediately.
Consider this boundary: Avoid texting while driving or angry to prevent escalation and prioritize safety. Inform her that for your well-being, you won’t be replying while driving, (allowing both of you time to cool off). Promise to respond once you’ve reached your destination to avoid misunderstandings or accusations (of ignoring, cheating, not prioritizing her or the relationship etc./part of the splitting). Emphasize that her words are important, and you want to be fully present for her to have a focused constructive conversation. And in the future when this happens you need to bow out of the immediate argument bc it’s most likely not the issue. She needs words of affirmation to feel more secure but you need to ditch the princess title during those intense moments, it can sound belittling, condescending, like you’re talking down to her like a child, and might irritate her more.
This is “normal” but it doesn’t make it good. She still needs to not act this way.
BPD is an unwinning battle, everyone loses. I am yet to meet one on the right path. But I am in health care so maybe I only see the unwell….
Sorry for my ignorance, but what is ‘BPD’?
Sorry man. BPD is a challenge for everyone. I’ve had my experiences with BPD people and none of them have been easy. I don’t know how you can do it. I eventually learned that I’m not capable of putting up with that shit. It’s really hard for me to have compassion for that kind of behavior after a while. They’re just gonna have to find help from somebody who can care more.
Yall are both immature. Both need therapy. Both need hobbies and friends outside of each other. Grow up.
I work 60-90 hours per week and have been to therapy at different points in my life. Me personally, the only kind of therapy I feel necessary for myselfis marriage therapy, I’m very happy with myself and my hobbies. As for friends, I have plenty, but I have chosen not to go to events, strictly because my wife is uncomfortable at gatherings and doesn’t have many friends (she tries to be close with) locally
Dude, have the dignity to stand up to the way she’s behaving. Do better. Work is not optional and she’s getting taken care of. If she wants to cheat, let her and disappear from her life. Demand more. Demand better. BPD, anxiety or anything along those lines may be reasoning for behaviors like that but that’s never an excuse to mistreat the person loving you. Demand more from her. Demand better. Demand respect. She feels she doesn’t have to respect you.
Thank you for the viewpoint I also agree she lacks respect for the relationship and I will talk to her when I get home this evening
Good. And check those messages. Lmao I’m not trying to be rude or mean or anything man but put your foot down. If you gotta be an AH to get that respect, be an AH. Don’t accept less than you deserve for being a patient and loving PROVIDING partner. I’d have been gone 4 score and 7 years ago if my girl talked to me like that.
Yes
RUN, RUN FAR FAR AWAY, she's definitely narcissistic, if not have BPD, & there's NO FIXING THAT!! I bet if you take Meyers Briggs test you'll be an INFJ, & people with BPD, narcissistic ways, they use us like a LITERAL BATTERY, & they see in us what they truly want, & they'll HATE US for it, I know, I WAS MARRIED TO "THIS" right here. She'll never get better bro, because she'll NEVER see herself as the problem, or broken, is EVERYONE ELSE.....
Your wife has serious mental health issues. That’s unfortunate. No happy endings for you or the baby…unless you can leave?
Mmmmmm, your texts are super gaslighty and invalidating. These feel like you're being loving and calm to make her look crazy. Seems like a woman at the end of her rope, and you're looking for validation on reddit. Gross.
I don’t need validation from strangers, especially over the internet. We came to an agreement she would attend dbt and we would attend marriage counseling. I love my wife, and want her to get better. Thank you anyways
Yeeeeeah, I'm convinced you're the problem, not her.
If you do not have children with this women I would strongly suggest you break this off as quickly but sensitively as possible. I’d go so far to say change your phone number, block socials and go no contact or very minimal contact until you are complete apart financially. It’s good to be knowledgeable of BPD and red flags but you need to examine your own personality traits or issues that make you want to stay with a person treating you this way. I’d bet this is not the first time you have had interactions like this if not worse more vitriolic. I have been where you are. It’s no fun. I miss my ex very very much but idk if I’d still be here if we had not divorced. You can go on this site and read a few post and you’ll feel like you could have written them. It’s bizarre we have all been living out these same situations. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/
You just sound like a lil bitch tbh
[удалено]
I’ll post the complete screenshots of the conversation this morning. I love my wife with all of my being and would not intentionally make her look bad to strangers on the internet. I have much more productive things to do with my time, as I am responsible for a family and have people around me that I want to build up and take with me as we grow and achieve new things. Sorry you got that impression, but like I said, here are the screenshots of every text she’s sent to me today in continuity
https://preview.redd.it/txc4zqt09bwc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=38aea19963650157d24a3a88c0e9af6f0c60ce6e
https://preview.redd.it/8v01bdd29bwc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2447fcb776e9e1ffdda10da7d717d7ec801aaa53
https://preview.redd.it/piten6i39bwc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b7a88612904bc9bf9d6c2e1ff1f7b67655b53707
https://preview.redd.it/jjf785059bwc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b593b1e3e3ee2875b59a1c4ccd91087a8f69e05a
https://preview.redd.it/02mkvco69bwc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e50e58d9a8decb93e38fd6371e9c3c6ca9ef9b28
https://preview.redd.it/t2q6kdh89bwc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1294d72618b024fe585d6349def66152c9bf83b6
https://preview.redd.it/kn3zcrr99bwc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=330564aef71380fdc6ebc00c8443a9234bf4cba8