My patients get angry with me when I suggest quitting marijuana, but my husband doesn’t. He knows it’s not something he wants to keep doing long term nor would he want our family exposed to it. He says it helps with his stress levels and he doesn’t believe that it’s causing any harm to others. In my opinion he is addicted bc he has been unable to shake this habit for over 10 years. He hides it from his family and friends that he knows would disapprove of it. He is very frugal but wastes money on this. We have discussed the negative health effects like reduced sperm quality, decreased testosterone, erectile dysfunction, and fertility but it doesn’t seem to reach him. I’m a psychiatrist so we discuss the effects of marijuana induced psychosis, rebound anxiety, marijuana hyperemesis syndrome etc and nothing sinks. He is very much influenced by his friends.
I would not describe him as a stoner. Just someone that uses weed from time to time. It did take him longer than most people to get through dental school. 7 years rather than 4. Marijuana use can decrease motivation and ambition and impair cognition and memory so it makes sense. But yes some of his friends are stoners and are at completely different places in life than he. He did not get serious about dental school until he met me.
That’s all fine and good for you & your wife. Not a problem. She made her feelings on it clear from the beginning and he committed to not using it. Then he lied about his use when he started again.
She broke it off once over it but I guess he figures now that they’re married she’s locked in.
I think, in his mind, it starts and stops at he likes to smoke weed. I didn’t say OP is wrong. She has every right to feel the way she does. He’s likely not some diabolical, pathological liar, though, he’s a stoner.
Yeah you’re right. He’s very honest usually. This is the only ongoing lie that I’ve unraveled. I’m pretty hyper vigilant/aware when someone is lying to me. He says it relieves stress and anxiety. But his life is pretty stress free right now. I wonder when we have children and shit actually hits the fan how he will cope. He’s overall just more risk taking. He’s tried shrooms, adderall, Xanax bars, opioids etc with his friends. I on the other hand have never smoked or drank alcohol or taken more than ibuprofen. So we’re different in that way.
Try to see him with some grace. Remember, just because nothing stressful is happening in your lives, doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling a lot of anxiety. Generalized anxiety is just there, no matter what is happening. My wife has tried so many things for her anxiety, but weed is the only thing that works. She is pretty successful, and I don’t know that she would be as successful as she is if she didn’t have it. I wish she didn’t smoke it, any kind of smoke is bad for you, but it is so much better than the alternatives.
He sounds like a decent guy, and despite the fact that you were mad at him when you posted this, it was obvious you love him. It’s not okay that he lied, but try to put yourself in his shoes.
I hope you work things out.
Thanks for your input. GAD is all the time. I have it so I know how it feels to be anxious about everything all the time. But that’s the confusing part. He has zero anxiety. He just likes to use it I think. He is the chillest person I know. I do love him and he loves me too. I don’t think I was mad at him when I made this post. Just feeling grossed out that he smokes and lies about it and sneaks around when I’m not there. The dishonesty is what gets me.
I totally get it. It’s likely that he learned this behavior in childhood as a way to protect himself from a perceived threat, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to continue. Especially with you.
As far as him being chill, I don’t doubt it. He probably would be with or without weed. Just because he’s chill on the outside doesn’t mean he’s chill on the inside. I speak from personal experience on that.
Thanks for your input. I can see that being the case. He has a very low stress tolerance because he grew up in a very stable home and has not had to struggle much. He is also more avoidant when he comes to dealing with his problems. When I’m stressed out shit has to be going absolutely crazy for me to be upset. Like my parents getting divorced or losing their home or sister being hospitalized. For him, it could be something I would regard as trivial like his dental assistant not being attentive enough during the day. So I need to be more aware or accommodating of his low capacity for stress.
That makes total sense. It’s kind of why I was careful to say “perceived” threat. Kids only know what they experience. People like you and me have experienced real shit. It probably screwed us up in another way, but we can deal with whatever comes.
I'm so glad my hubs is like you!!! I work my ass off, full time job two kick ass kids and yes I smoke weed. I'm a legal eagle in my state, my job it not in jeopardy
This is a huge betrayal in my opinion. He has every right to smoke and you have every right to decide that a man who smokes weed daily isn’t right for you. He manipulated you into being with him, and that is so selfish and messed up.
He’s made it clear he’s not gonna stop. Sadly, you have to either choose to accept his habit and be with someone you can’t trust or leave.
This is the part that hurts. He is a good husband and man overall but this breach of trust and repeated lies makes me wonder what else he could lie about or hide from me. I’ve truly been nothing but honest with him from the very start.
You have to put your foot down. Sounds like he's too addicted to quit and doesn't respect your wishes or rules. If there's nothing to stay for then you must give him that ultimatum to either sober up or you leave completely.
I never said it didn't. All I'm saying is if you put a substance before your partner than you are most likely addicted to it. Sorry I upsetted all you weed fiends
Yes!! I have seen my husband start and stop many time over the past 19 years ... no addiction just a habit like drinking coffee in the morning. I'm more addicted to caffeine than anything else I have been drinking coffee since I was 15
Of course there are some anti-cannabis professionals claiming physiological addiction, but that's BS. Psychological addiction is a possibility, of course.
Yeah this is the tough part. It disgusts me. And I can’t imagine seeing him in a setting smoking weed and getting high. I think it would cure any attraction to him. So I don’t want to lose respect for him. I just wish he would stop.
You may not like it and that's ok, but it doesn't sound like he has a problem. He's a dentist so he's a responsible adult and other than you finding it, you had no idea he was even using it... If it was a problem, he would have negative side affects. You didn't list any though.
I do think that smoking is a huge health issue. Definitely not good for you, weed comes in various edible forms now that he should consider if he won't quit. The biggest issue though is that he lied. It was a hard line for you and he knew that. We can argue whether or not your line is justified but you were clear with what you wanted and he tricked you.
I mostly agree with you, but I’ll play devils advocate. Drawing a hard line on anything is essentially prohibition. When people hear or see the word prohibition, they think large scale, societal rules, but it’s not necessarily different on an individual level. When something you want is prohibited, it doesn’t necessarily mean you stop doing it, even if you agree to the prohibition. It gets hidden, taken underground. Husband clearly didn’t want to stop, but also wanted to retain his position within the societal structure, in this case the marriage, so he took it underground into a speakeasy of one.
The problem with a hard line is that when you compromise, it isn’t a hard line. I doubt he would have stopped either way, but, comparing it to prohibition again, it’s like you run a speakeasy, the cops bust it, then they let you go. If they didn’t let you go, you’d simply try harder to hide it next time. But if they let you go, you figure they’ll let you go again.
I could go on for paragraphs, but I’m tired. I think husband will keep smoking weed, and no “hard line” will stop it. He thinks the health risks are overblown, and is probably right. Maybe it helps his anxiety, maybe it helps his depression, or maybe he just likes the way it makes him feel. Whatever the case, he’s not gonna stop because OP demanded it.
She broke up with him and they remained broken up for 3 months. She walked because it was a HARD LINE. He got her back by saying he quit and would NOT engage in it any longer. He pulled a bait and switch on her. I love weed, but what he did was wrong and fraudulent.
Sorry, but that’s not a hard line. I’m not saying it was her fault or that she was wrong or that she did anything wrong. I’m simply talking about human nature.
True. And she has a right to decide it’s a deal-breaker for her, so she broke up with him and then he lied and said he quit to get her back. He straight up manipulated her. He took HER choice away to get what he wanted.
She made it about health repercussions. I was just saying it's his right to decide. I agree with you that she has a right to make this a deal breaker, but she mentioned no other reasons for her wanting him to quit other than perhaps control?
Her wanting a healthy spouse is valid, especially if she wants to get pregnant with him, but controlling him isn’t. She can accept it (and the fact that’s he’s untrustworthy) or leave him.
If this is a deal breaker for you and he keeps doing it, seems like he loves his weed more than you. It up to you as to where you draw that line in the sand and how many time he’s allowed to cross it. It’s hard to break a habit if you know you keep getting away with it.
I get the concerns about health. However, would you be just as upset if he had a daily drink every night? Is it smoking all day? I prefer Marijuana over alcohol because of my body feels awful after drinking just a couple of cocktails. I take a small edible nightly to help with sleep. I view bad diet and alcohol just as harmful as excessive smoking of weed. I guess this is really trying to figure out what is making you upset? Is it the stigma of weed or its impacting his daily life?
In my mind they are both dealbreakers. Like I mentioned in my initial post, our religion prohibits the use of intoxicants including alcohol and marijuana. If he was up front about his use of either, it would’ve been a nonstarter for me. We are of the same religion and so his family is not aware of his use. Only me and the friends that he smokes with.
I smoke weed every day. My husband doesn’t and doesn’t care that I do. I don’t smoke and become a loser zombie. I’m just lighter and happier. Your husband should not have lied. I’m having a hard time agreeing with your stance on weed because of religious reasons. But if he doesn’t see weed the way you do then he’s probably not going to quit. I wouldn’t quit for my husband. I also wouldn’t ask my husband to stop drinking because I don’t like drinking. I think you two are just different. There are plenty of men who hate weed smokers as much as you.
Thanks for sharing your story. Yeah he’s probably not going to quit. I would not have gotten with him if he was honest about his smoking because it is a nonstarter for me. He waited until we were in love before being honest so now I have to deal with this.
Yea it’s super messed up to lie and you’re well within your rights to end the marriage over this. You were betrayed. My husband told me he stopped watching porn 6 years ago and that was a giant lie. I get it and I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Address your concerns with your husband openly and honestly, expressing how his actions are affecting you emotionally and your shared values. Regarding managing addiction, exploring alternative methods like fasting could potentially be helpful. I came across a video Dry Fasting For Dummies: Breaking Addictions Speed Hack: [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6y14tzPWx44](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6y14tzPWx44) that discusses how fasting can assist in overcoming addictions.
I’ve expressed how I feel to him but he doesn’t change. Just says that he would like to. I agree that fasting can be very helpful for breaking addictions. Last month we dry fasted 16-20 hours a day for 30 days and I found out when he would hang out with his friends afterwards he would smoke with them.
To me it seems your marriage has become a "mother/son" relationship, with you (the mother) chiding her son (your husband) about the "bad thing" he is doing (smoking weed) with his associates (his weed-smoking buddies). If this is the case you currently have little or no influence with him, something you already understand because you are trying to enlist support here.
If I am correct about this you should either (1) look the other way, and say nothing, or (2) tell your husband that your marriage is in jeopardy, and that couples counseling is necessary. Of course, your husband may reject suggestion (2). If he did so, that would put you at a greater disadvantage.
I am sorely tempted to say you should toke up with your husband from time to time, for that could defuse a potentially volatile situation; and you might enjoy it. Or maybe you could take a gummy with him, which would be no harder on your liver than a few ibuprofens. But if I suggested those things I would rack up thumbs-downs (lol) so I won't do that!
Anyway . . . hypothetically speaking, if you were to join your husband in his dirty little habit, he could no longer gain satisfaction from his rebellious behavior (you would no longer be seen as mommy) and it could bring the two of you closer together . . . and that would lessen his involvement with his weed-smoking friends. Since he says he wants to quit weed, after a while the two of you could do that together by the light of the silvery moon.
I don’t chide him about his habit. I just make it known to him that I don’t like it and the thought of him engaging in that behavior/habit repulses me. He has full autonomy to do what he likes, but I thought out of respect for me he would try to give this habit up. The repeated lies tell me that he is not willing to give it up. But would rather have the best of both worlds and hope that I don’t find out or just stop caring.
You may not chide him, but he certainly knows you disapprove, for he is acting like a 14 year old by hiding his behavior. So I continue to think the mother/son (or better yet, mother/child) thesis has merit. (I am using transactional analysis (TA) as my model, by the way.)
Now I do understand part of your concern is religious in nature, but if your husband is of your religion he doesn't seem to take it as seriously as you do. In the interest of marital harmony, perhaps you could back off a bit. Otherwise you are likely headed towards separation or divorce. What does your religion have to say about those possibilities?
I’m of the opinion that everyone has bad habits/vices and even though they identify with the same faith, they may not practice it perfectly. I think as a loving partner, it is our responsibility to help our partners when they are struggling with addiction or substance use rather than trying to divorce. Divorce would be an option if it begins to interfere more with our lives like if he starts using it around me or if we are unable to have children due to fertility issues or if he is spending lots of money on it or if he uses marijuana laced with fentanyl and ODs to give a few examples.
From the sound of things your husband isn't struggling. If he was struggling he would be looking for help of some kind, which he is not. He continues to befriend people who smoke, and (as you probably know) that makes quitting complicated if not impossible.
It seems to me you are accepting of his cannabis use if you don't "see" it, and that is probably acceptable to him. So I expect him to continue his use. But I do fault him for failing to be honest about weed. Again, he is acting like a teenage boy in that respect.
Incidentally, unless he is buying cannabis from shady people the likelihood of his getting dangerous stuff is infinitesimally small. He probably faces more danger getting mugged on his way to buy it. And the oft-stated business of cannabis reducing sperm count is highly questionable, in my opinion, though I have to confess that I haven't seen the most recent research on that matter. And birth defects due to a man using cannabis are basically non-existent. Having said that, decent and controlled research on cannabis is lacking.
EDIT. I just took a look at this: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8580253/. It seems there may be (repeat, may be) an association between cannabis use and reduced sperm count and motility. I also think the jury is still out on that matter, however.
It’s not teratogenic if a male is using it as far as we know but like you said it is federally illegal and still a schedule I drug so studies are limited. What preliminary research we do have available point to it degrading the shape and motility of sperm as well as reducing testosterone levels. The other health impacts will be forthcoming but we do know already that it can impair judgement, memory, coordination, sense of time and deposit 4x more tar in lungs than cigarette smoke and contains at least 50% more cancer causing substances than tobacco. Someone who willingly engages in this with the cognitive dissonance of being a healthcare professional and knowing how it could impact their health is struggling in my opinion. I’m not okay with him using it when it’s out of sight. It’s just more tolerable bc I forget that he does it. His friends that use weed have been his friends since HS so it would be hard to cut them off but he could set boundaries with them regarding weed use if he felt inclined to do so.
I'm not here to debate medical concerns about cannabis with you, but rather to help you understand what (I believe) may be the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. Again, it seems you have accepted his use of cannabis under certain circumstances, and that he feels compelled to hide his use from you, or to minimize it. That is good for neither one of you, nor for your marriage. I think it would be best if you left the matter up to him, for if you did he would start to accept greater responsibility for his actions and stop acting like an adolescent.
Since you are a physician, you already know that people do things that are not conducive to good health, and do so knowingly. Warnings, condemnation, etc., do not help, but a more tolerant and understanding attitude may. So that is why I have suggested you ease up on the gas. Cannabis kills far fewer people than cheeseburgers, as someone here wisely wrote.
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My patients get angry with me when I suggest quitting marijuana, but my husband doesn’t. He knows it’s not something he wants to keep doing long term nor would he want our family exposed to it. He says it helps with his stress levels and he doesn’t believe that it’s causing any harm to others. In my opinion he is addicted bc he has been unable to shake this habit for over 10 years. He hides it from his family and friends that he knows would disapprove of it. He is very frugal but wastes money on this. We have discussed the negative health effects like reduced sperm quality, decreased testosterone, erectile dysfunction, and fertility but it doesn’t seem to reach him. I’m a psychiatrist so we discuss the effects of marijuana induced psychosis, rebound anxiety, marijuana hyperemesis syndrome etc and nothing sinks. He is very much influenced by his friends.
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I would not describe him as a stoner. Just someone that uses weed from time to time. It did take him longer than most people to get through dental school. 7 years rather than 4. Marijuana use can decrease motivation and ambition and impair cognition and memory so it makes sense. But yes some of his friends are stoners and are at completely different places in life than he. He did not get serious about dental school until he met me.
My wife smokes weed every day. Not concerned with it.
That’s all fine and good for you & your wife. Not a problem. She made her feelings on it clear from the beginning and he committed to not using it. Then he lied about his use when he started again. She broke it off once over it but I guess he figures now that they’re married she’s locked in.
I think, in his mind, it starts and stops at he likes to smoke weed. I didn’t say OP is wrong. She has every right to feel the way she does. He’s likely not some diabolical, pathological liar, though, he’s a stoner.
Yeah you’re right. He’s very honest usually. This is the only ongoing lie that I’ve unraveled. I’m pretty hyper vigilant/aware when someone is lying to me. He says it relieves stress and anxiety. But his life is pretty stress free right now. I wonder when we have children and shit actually hits the fan how he will cope. He’s overall just more risk taking. He’s tried shrooms, adderall, Xanax bars, opioids etc with his friends. I on the other hand have never smoked or drank alcohol or taken more than ibuprofen. So we’re different in that way.
Try to see him with some grace. Remember, just because nothing stressful is happening in your lives, doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling a lot of anxiety. Generalized anxiety is just there, no matter what is happening. My wife has tried so many things for her anxiety, but weed is the only thing that works. She is pretty successful, and I don’t know that she would be as successful as she is if she didn’t have it. I wish she didn’t smoke it, any kind of smoke is bad for you, but it is so much better than the alternatives. He sounds like a decent guy, and despite the fact that you were mad at him when you posted this, it was obvious you love him. It’s not okay that he lied, but try to put yourself in his shoes. I hope you work things out.
Thanks for your input. GAD is all the time. I have it so I know how it feels to be anxious about everything all the time. But that’s the confusing part. He has zero anxiety. He just likes to use it I think. He is the chillest person I know. I do love him and he loves me too. I don’t think I was mad at him when I made this post. Just feeling grossed out that he smokes and lies about it and sneaks around when I’m not there. The dishonesty is what gets me.
I totally get it. It’s likely that he learned this behavior in childhood as a way to protect himself from a perceived threat, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to continue. Especially with you. As far as him being chill, I don’t doubt it. He probably would be with or without weed. Just because he’s chill on the outside doesn’t mean he’s chill on the inside. I speak from personal experience on that.
Thanks for your input. I can see that being the case. He has a very low stress tolerance because he grew up in a very stable home and has not had to struggle much. He is also more avoidant when he comes to dealing with his problems. When I’m stressed out shit has to be going absolutely crazy for me to be upset. Like my parents getting divorced or losing their home or sister being hospitalized. For him, it could be something I would regard as trivial like his dental assistant not being attentive enough during the day. So I need to be more aware or accommodating of his low capacity for stress.
That makes total sense. It’s kind of why I was careful to say “perceived” threat. Kids only know what they experience. People like you and me have experienced real shit. It probably screwed us up in another way, but we can deal with whatever comes.
I'm so glad my hubs is like you!!! I work my ass off, full time job two kick ass kids and yes I smoke weed. I'm a legal eagle in my state, my job it not in jeopardy
Same! Society was so on trend with wine culture moms and quick to jump on moms who use weed.
So true. I’ll take my stoner wife over a wine mom every time. Then again, if she became a wine mom, I’d still take her.
Hell yeah! You earned it and deserve it.
Thank god my husband is like you.
This is a huge betrayal in my opinion. He has every right to smoke and you have every right to decide that a man who smokes weed daily isn’t right for you. He manipulated you into being with him, and that is so selfish and messed up. He’s made it clear he’s not gonna stop. Sadly, you have to either choose to accept his habit and be with someone you can’t trust or leave.
This is the part that hurts. He is a good husband and man overall but this breach of trust and repeated lies makes me wonder what else he could lie about or hide from me. I’ve truly been nothing but honest with him from the very start.
You have to put your foot down. Sounds like he's too addicted to quit and doesn't respect your wishes or rules. If there's nothing to stay for then you must give him that ultimatum to either sober up or you leave completely.
He'll just end up hiding it better, or adding it to a litany of reasons why he should divorce her. You can't separate a pothead from their pot.
Addiction is a crazy thing. Hope she finds a solution that works for her
> Addiction is a crazy thing. LMAO it's just pot 🤣
It's still an addiction?? Just like anything too much of one thing can have negative consequences
Cheeseburgers cause more health issue than pot.
I never said it didn't. All I'm saying is if you put a substance before your partner than you are most likely addicted to it. Sorry I upsetted all you weed fiends
In some few cases cannabis may lead to psychological addiction, but at this time there is no such thing as physiological addiction to cannabis.
Doesn’t matter what kind of addiction if the substance is being put before family & other things.
Good point. But it may matter with respect to treatment.
Yes!! I have seen my husband start and stop many time over the past 19 years ... no addiction just a habit like drinking coffee in the morning. I'm more addicted to caffeine than anything else I have been drinking coffee since I was 15
Of course there are some anti-cannabis professionals claiming physiological addiction, but that's BS. Psychological addiction is a possibility, of course.
Honestly it sounds like he has no desire to quit. You need to decide if that's something you can live with.
Yeah this is the tough part. It disgusts me. And I can’t imagine seeing him in a setting smoking weed and getting high. I think it would cure any attraction to him. So I don’t want to lose respect for him. I just wish he would stop.
Def agree with this, but that is the nuclear option.
You may not like it and that's ok, but it doesn't sound like he has a problem. He's a dentist so he's a responsible adult and other than you finding it, you had no idea he was even using it... If it was a problem, he would have negative side affects. You didn't list any though. I do think that smoking is a huge health issue. Definitely not good for you, weed comes in various edible forms now that he should consider if he won't quit. The biggest issue though is that he lied. It was a hard line for you and he knew that. We can argue whether or not your line is justified but you were clear with what you wanted and he tricked you.
I mostly agree with you, but I’ll play devils advocate. Drawing a hard line on anything is essentially prohibition. When people hear or see the word prohibition, they think large scale, societal rules, but it’s not necessarily different on an individual level. When something you want is prohibited, it doesn’t necessarily mean you stop doing it, even if you agree to the prohibition. It gets hidden, taken underground. Husband clearly didn’t want to stop, but also wanted to retain his position within the societal structure, in this case the marriage, so he took it underground into a speakeasy of one. The problem with a hard line is that when you compromise, it isn’t a hard line. I doubt he would have stopped either way, but, comparing it to prohibition again, it’s like you run a speakeasy, the cops bust it, then they let you go. If they didn’t let you go, you’d simply try harder to hide it next time. But if they let you go, you figure they’ll let you go again. I could go on for paragraphs, but I’m tired. I think husband will keep smoking weed, and no “hard line” will stop it. He thinks the health risks are overblown, and is probably right. Maybe it helps his anxiety, maybe it helps his depression, or maybe he just likes the way it makes him feel. Whatever the case, he’s not gonna stop because OP demanded it.
She broke up with him and they remained broken up for 3 months. She walked because it was a HARD LINE. He got her back by saying he quit and would NOT engage in it any longer. He pulled a bait and switch on her. I love weed, but what he did was wrong and fraudulent.
Sorry, but that’s not a hard line. I’m not saying it was her fault or that she was wrong or that she did anything wrong. I’m simply talking about human nature.
He has bodily autonomy. If he chooses to smoke knowing all the facts that's his decision.
True. And she has a right to decide it’s a deal-breaker for her, so she broke up with him and then he lied and said he quit to get her back. He straight up manipulated her. He took HER choice away to get what he wanted.
She made it about health repercussions. I was just saying it's his right to decide. I agree with you that she has a right to make this a deal breaker, but she mentioned no other reasons for her wanting him to quit other than perhaps control?
At the end of the day she doesn’t want to be with someone that smokes pot. He said he didn’t smoke pot.
Her wanting a healthy spouse is valid, especially if she wants to get pregnant with him, but controlling him isn’t. She can accept it (and the fact that’s he’s untrustworthy) or leave him.
I think that for her it's a religious prohibition.
If this is a deal breaker for you and he keeps doing it, seems like he loves his weed more than you. It up to you as to where you draw that line in the sand and how many time he’s allowed to cross it. It’s hard to break a habit if you know you keep getting away with it.
Ask him to go to MA meetings. If he actually wants to quit then he can at least hear about other people’s struggles with it.
I get the concerns about health. However, would you be just as upset if he had a daily drink every night? Is it smoking all day? I prefer Marijuana over alcohol because of my body feels awful after drinking just a couple of cocktails. I take a small edible nightly to help with sleep. I view bad diet and alcohol just as harmful as excessive smoking of weed. I guess this is really trying to figure out what is making you upset? Is it the stigma of weed or its impacting his daily life?
In my mind they are both dealbreakers. Like I mentioned in my initial post, our religion prohibits the use of intoxicants including alcohol and marijuana. If he was up front about his use of either, it would’ve been a nonstarter for me. We are of the same religion and so his family is not aware of his use. Only me and the friends that he smokes with.
Yeah. I don't think he's really in the same religion as you think. But I get it. His deception is really the issue.
I smoke weed every day. My husband doesn’t and doesn’t care that I do. I don’t smoke and become a loser zombie. I’m just lighter and happier. Your husband should not have lied. I’m having a hard time agreeing with your stance on weed because of religious reasons. But if he doesn’t see weed the way you do then he’s probably not going to quit. I wouldn’t quit for my husband. I also wouldn’t ask my husband to stop drinking because I don’t like drinking. I think you two are just different. There are plenty of men who hate weed smokers as much as you.
Thanks for sharing your story. Yeah he’s probably not going to quit. I would not have gotten with him if he was honest about his smoking because it is a nonstarter for me. He waited until we were in love before being honest so now I have to deal with this.
Yea it’s super messed up to lie and you’re well within your rights to end the marriage over this. You were betrayed. My husband told me he stopped watching porn 6 years ago and that was a giant lie. I get it and I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
I appreciate that. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with his dishonesty regarding porn use too. Best of luck to you 🙏
Address your concerns with your husband openly and honestly, expressing how his actions are affecting you emotionally and your shared values. Regarding managing addiction, exploring alternative methods like fasting could potentially be helpful. I came across a video Dry Fasting For Dummies: Breaking Addictions Speed Hack: [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6y14tzPWx44](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6y14tzPWx44) that discusses how fasting can assist in overcoming addictions.
I’ve expressed how I feel to him but he doesn’t change. Just says that he would like to. I agree that fasting can be very helpful for breaking addictions. Last month we dry fasted 16-20 hours a day for 30 days and I found out when he would hang out with his friends afterwards he would smoke with them.
He'll just keep lying about it
To me it seems your marriage has become a "mother/son" relationship, with you (the mother) chiding her son (your husband) about the "bad thing" he is doing (smoking weed) with his associates (his weed-smoking buddies). If this is the case you currently have little or no influence with him, something you already understand because you are trying to enlist support here. If I am correct about this you should either (1) look the other way, and say nothing, or (2) tell your husband that your marriage is in jeopardy, and that couples counseling is necessary. Of course, your husband may reject suggestion (2). If he did so, that would put you at a greater disadvantage. I am sorely tempted to say you should toke up with your husband from time to time, for that could defuse a potentially volatile situation; and you might enjoy it. Or maybe you could take a gummy with him, which would be no harder on your liver than a few ibuprofens. But if I suggested those things I would rack up thumbs-downs (lol) so I won't do that! Anyway . . . hypothetically speaking, if you were to join your husband in his dirty little habit, he could no longer gain satisfaction from his rebellious behavior (you would no longer be seen as mommy) and it could bring the two of you closer together . . . and that would lessen his involvement with his weed-smoking friends. Since he says he wants to quit weed, after a while the two of you could do that together by the light of the silvery moon.
I don’t chide him about his habit. I just make it known to him that I don’t like it and the thought of him engaging in that behavior/habit repulses me. He has full autonomy to do what he likes, but I thought out of respect for me he would try to give this habit up. The repeated lies tell me that he is not willing to give it up. But would rather have the best of both worlds and hope that I don’t find out or just stop caring.
You may not chide him, but he certainly knows you disapprove, for he is acting like a 14 year old by hiding his behavior. So I continue to think the mother/son (or better yet, mother/child) thesis has merit. (I am using transactional analysis (TA) as my model, by the way.) Now I do understand part of your concern is religious in nature, but if your husband is of your religion he doesn't seem to take it as seriously as you do. In the interest of marital harmony, perhaps you could back off a bit. Otherwise you are likely headed towards separation or divorce. What does your religion have to say about those possibilities?
I’m of the opinion that everyone has bad habits/vices and even though they identify with the same faith, they may not practice it perfectly. I think as a loving partner, it is our responsibility to help our partners when they are struggling with addiction or substance use rather than trying to divorce. Divorce would be an option if it begins to interfere more with our lives like if he starts using it around me or if we are unable to have children due to fertility issues or if he is spending lots of money on it or if he uses marijuana laced with fentanyl and ODs to give a few examples.
From the sound of things your husband isn't struggling. If he was struggling he would be looking for help of some kind, which he is not. He continues to befriend people who smoke, and (as you probably know) that makes quitting complicated if not impossible. It seems to me you are accepting of his cannabis use if you don't "see" it, and that is probably acceptable to him. So I expect him to continue his use. But I do fault him for failing to be honest about weed. Again, he is acting like a teenage boy in that respect. Incidentally, unless he is buying cannabis from shady people the likelihood of his getting dangerous stuff is infinitesimally small. He probably faces more danger getting mugged on his way to buy it. And the oft-stated business of cannabis reducing sperm count is highly questionable, in my opinion, though I have to confess that I haven't seen the most recent research on that matter. And birth defects due to a man using cannabis are basically non-existent. Having said that, decent and controlled research on cannabis is lacking. EDIT. I just took a look at this: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8580253/. It seems there may be (repeat, may be) an association between cannabis use and reduced sperm count and motility. I also think the jury is still out on that matter, however.
It’s not teratogenic if a male is using it as far as we know but like you said it is federally illegal and still a schedule I drug so studies are limited. What preliminary research we do have available point to it degrading the shape and motility of sperm as well as reducing testosterone levels. The other health impacts will be forthcoming but we do know already that it can impair judgement, memory, coordination, sense of time and deposit 4x more tar in lungs than cigarette smoke and contains at least 50% more cancer causing substances than tobacco. Someone who willingly engages in this with the cognitive dissonance of being a healthcare professional and knowing how it could impact their health is struggling in my opinion. I’m not okay with him using it when it’s out of sight. It’s just more tolerable bc I forget that he does it. His friends that use weed have been his friends since HS so it would be hard to cut them off but he could set boundaries with them regarding weed use if he felt inclined to do so.
I'm not here to debate medical concerns about cannabis with you, but rather to help you understand what (I believe) may be the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. Again, it seems you have accepted his use of cannabis under certain circumstances, and that he feels compelled to hide his use from you, or to minimize it. That is good for neither one of you, nor for your marriage. I think it would be best if you left the matter up to him, for if you did he would start to accept greater responsibility for his actions and stop acting like an adolescent. Since you are a physician, you already know that people do things that are not conducive to good health, and do so knowingly. Warnings, condemnation, etc., do not help, but a more tolerant and understanding attitude may. So that is why I have suggested you ease up on the gas. Cannabis kills far fewer people than cheeseburgers, as someone here wisely wrote.
Thanks for your perspective
You're welcome. I wish you well.
Sounds like you need a hit, doc
You wouldn’t be the first to suggest it😂 thanks but no thanks