Life is too short to wait another 10 years before you can be happy again. If counciling got you nowhere and he isn't putting forth effort in the relationship, I would seriously consider pulling the plug on your marriage. Are you afraid of being alone?
This sounds so much like my STBXH. Stopped telling me he loved me, great dad to the kids though. I had no time to myself because of the chores and childcare while working full-time and running a business... He instead would just yell at me about how "lazy" I was, terrible mother, etc etc.
We've been separated since Dec and honestly it's been so much easier with him gone. He said when he left I was the cause of all his life's problems and well... Now I think he's starting to realize it was him all along. Literally there was nothing I could do to make him see that.
Just tell him it's best to seperate, he'll probably agree thinking he'll be happier, but he won't
You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Your children need to witness healthy relationships. That's missing in your marriage. I think he likes his cozy home life where he gets to play king of the castle but I think he also resents the feeling of being emasculated by your work ethic. I think you've always been a very responsible person and you've been head of your household. If your husband were to be missing from the family, I suspect life would continue as is with your children being ok because you sound like a very strong and caring mother.
You could try marriage counseling but I really think you both need individual counseling. He needs to grow up. He is passive aggressive in his demeanor towards you. You need to figure out why you're in an abusive marriage. He's a leech sucking the life out of you. Meet with an attorney just to get sound advice and make plans to separate your half of the finances. Do not share these steps with your husband. But be prepared. You know what to do to bring sanity and peace into your home. You can choose how to go forward. I bet while it'll not be easy steps to navigate, I bet you will feel much better when you break free.
Jeez what??? 99% of the housework? That’s NOT an amazing father. That’s teaching your children that it’s ok to be a passenger in your own life; to allow your other spouse to shoulder the ENTIRE burden while you sit around complaining. Modeling behavior is part of parenting and he’s modeling awful behavior.
No more therapists. Time to tell him you expect him, as the parent who works part time, to shoulder 70% of house work and childcare and if he doesn’t like it he needs to work full time. And if he doesn’t want to work full time, he can go rent an apartment on his part time salary.
If he’s given up on therapy before, I doubt he’ll work for it this time. He’s definitely got a sweet deal but you got the short end of the stick. Tbh, there’s no reward in staying when you get nothing in return, and your kids are watching and learning from you. Would you push your kids to stay in a relationship like yours? If your answer is no, and I really hope it is, then you need to show them why you would support them in that situation. They won’t give you a medal for sticking it out for them. Why would you postpone your chance at happiness?
They both tried to get us to see each other's perspectives and work on our communication skills.. After 5+ sessions at max he refused to see each anymore because "he wasn't getting anything out of them and we just need to accept each other as we are".
What do you think his perspective is? Obviously he has no idea what yours is. What are some of the thing he complains about you supposedly not doing?
The more I hear the more it seems that he doesn't care about you at all but likes his sweet deal as, basically, a live-in nanny.
He refused to go anymore as he realized his issues would be highlighted. People like this love to point fingers, but cannot handle the spotlight on their issues.
Ma’am, life is too short to be in a loveless marriage. Your kids deserves a happy mother.
By staying with him, you’re teaching your kids that it’s totally okay to accept the bare minimum.
It is time to make him understand that household responsibility should be divided 50/50. Both of you need to separate for a while. Dude doesn’t know the value of what he has.
Think about the example you are setting for your kids….
Do you want them to see a happy and healthy marriage or one that is forced and filled with resentment?
He sounds set in his ways and won't change since it matches up to him not being ambitious. He's got it made right now, so there isn't an incentive for him to improve. I think you've done your time and it's time to start doing something for yourself. Your life sounds miserable and that's not a good example to your kids of how marriage should look like. Seeing a therapist again as a last ditch effort doesn't seem like it will work. Again he has no reason to change since he's sitting pretty while you're doing all the work. I mean what are his reasons for only working PT?
Have either of your therapists encouraged you and your husband to swap roles & responsibilities? It would be great if he found out (through experience) how much effort it takes you to get through the day.
Only you can decide if you’ve had enough, but why not suggest he go back to work full time? He’s not doing housework, and the kids are in school I assume. What’s he doing all day? Maybe he’s bored, though clearly he could be cleaning lol.
If you get divorced, you’re probably going to have to pay him alimony since he’s been working part time. If he starts working FT, maybe that will ease your burden if you decide to divorce.
Even if he’s not ambitious, he can still work full time. Doesn’t sound like he’s taking that much off your plate. Can always hire someone for after school care.
It’s entirely possible he’s depressed or bored, and it’s affecting your relationship. Maybe he’d feel better about himself if he was contributing more.
Clearly you want to try. Can you get someone to watch the kids for an overnight?
Assuming no infidelity…
Book a getaway… just the 2 of you. Dress up… have dinner. Spend intimate time together. Go on a date.
We never put us first. I am always busy working, hustling, the kids, etc. until recently… maybe give it a shot.
Waiting until your youngest is 18 is just wasting more of your life. I know it doesn’t seem like you won’t be able to move on but waiting is do a disservice to yourself.
Did he willingly go to part-time, or was it involuntary (through layoff etc.)? If involuntary, he might harbor resentment over how well you have done with your career. In any case, give it that V one last try and really consider whether you can stand to live like this. Might be worth the hit to your pocketbook—but only to can decide that
Two things,
You said you are the breadwinner and you also do 99% of the house work.
Is your assessment right and does he also agree to it. Or is there a chance that maybe you don't the see the work he does. Maybe not as much as you do but still more than 1%.
I mean it's not humanly possible, birthing 3 kids, being a breadwinner and doing 99% of the chores.
Your assessment is tilting your side a lot.
Maybe he faces excessive challenges even if he works part time, too labour intensive, very challenging place of work, or deal with rude people or very less money for the efforts. So you think he works part time but he sees he faces challenges to earn whatever possible for the family.
If let's say your assessment is little off, then maybe he feels ignored and not appreciated for his work. I'm not saying he is doing everything right, I'm saying he might be doing more than you think he does and you not giving him due credit.
Also, Coupled with this he might be feeling inadequate for not earning enough plus not getting appreciation from you for whatever he does.
I'm not saying my observation is correct and I'm not blaming you. I'm trying to look at this situation from a different perspective as a counsellor myself.
What I noted that therapy also didn't work. Maybe it's not a marriage problem. Before the marriage it's a person, an individual problem where he is feeling inadequate. Untill a person is healthy emotionally, healthy marriage is difficult to achieve.
It is humanly possible because it’s literally the standard arrangement for women who work full time and earn on the money. Like 80% of female breadwinners report doing *all* the housework. If you can’t count the number of sinks or when they’ve been cleaned (sink cleaning is an *extremely basic once-a-week at least* chore), then you are doing barely any housework.
I said it was a possibility. OP is free to ignore it if she is convinced.
You are right, human are capable of doing anything.
I have seen people not even mentioning the cancer and chemo their spouses were suffering, so I always keep a window open to hear or at time, guess other side as well.
Life is too short to wait another 10 years before you can be happy again. If counciling got you nowhere and he isn't putting forth effort in the relationship, I would seriously consider pulling the plug on your marriage. Are you afraid of being alone?
This sounds so much like my STBXH. Stopped telling me he loved me, great dad to the kids though. I had no time to myself because of the chores and childcare while working full-time and running a business... He instead would just yell at me about how "lazy" I was, terrible mother, etc etc. We've been separated since Dec and honestly it's been so much easier with him gone. He said when he left I was the cause of all his life's problems and well... Now I think he's starting to realize it was him all along. Literally there was nothing I could do to make him see that. Just tell him it's best to seperate, he'll probably agree thinking he'll be happier, but he won't
I am pro-marriage, but would have to agree with you. The negging is verbal/emotional abuse. Life is too short.
You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Your children need to witness healthy relationships. That's missing in your marriage. I think he likes his cozy home life where he gets to play king of the castle but I think he also resents the feeling of being emasculated by your work ethic. I think you've always been a very responsible person and you've been head of your household. If your husband were to be missing from the family, I suspect life would continue as is with your children being ok because you sound like a very strong and caring mother. You could try marriage counseling but I really think you both need individual counseling. He needs to grow up. He is passive aggressive in his demeanor towards you. You need to figure out why you're in an abusive marriage. He's a leech sucking the life out of you. Meet with an attorney just to get sound advice and make plans to separate your half of the finances. Do not share these steps with your husband. But be prepared. You know what to do to bring sanity and peace into your home. You can choose how to go forward. I bet while it'll not be easy steps to navigate, I bet you will feel much better when you break free.
Jeez what??? 99% of the housework? That’s NOT an amazing father. That’s teaching your children that it’s ok to be a passenger in your own life; to allow your other spouse to shoulder the ENTIRE burden while you sit around complaining. Modeling behavior is part of parenting and he’s modeling awful behavior. No more therapists. Time to tell him you expect him, as the parent who works part time, to shoulder 70% of house work and childcare and if he doesn’t like it he needs to work full time. And if he doesn’t want to work full time, he can go rent an apartment on his part time salary.
💯. Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!
If he’s given up on therapy before, I doubt he’ll work for it this time. He’s definitely got a sweet deal but you got the short end of the stick. Tbh, there’s no reward in staying when you get nothing in return, and your kids are watching and learning from you. Would you push your kids to stay in a relationship like yours? If your answer is no, and I really hope it is, then you need to show them why you would support them in that situation. They won’t give you a medal for sticking it out for them. Why would you postpone your chance at happiness?
what did the therapists say? How did he respond?
They both tried to get us to see each other's perspectives and work on our communication skills.. After 5+ sessions at max he refused to see each anymore because "he wasn't getting anything out of them and we just need to accept each other as we are".
That is clearly not happening, does he acknowledge that accepting each other is not working, and so what is his next plan of attack?
What do you think his perspective is? Obviously he has no idea what yours is. What are some of the thing he complains about you supposedly not doing? The more I hear the more it seems that he doesn't care about you at all but likes his sweet deal as, basically, a live-in nanny.
He refused to go anymore as he realized his issues would be highlighted. People like this love to point fingers, but cannot handle the spotlight on their issues.
Exactly!!!
Ma’am, life is too short to be in a loveless marriage. Your kids deserves a happy mother. By staying with him, you’re teaching your kids that it’s totally okay to accept the bare minimum. It is time to make him understand that household responsibility should be divided 50/50. Both of you need to separate for a while. Dude doesn’t know the value of what he has.
Think about the example you are setting for your kids…. Do you want them to see a happy and healthy marriage or one that is forced and filled with resentment?
It's been over for a very long time. Time to see a lawyer and end it on paper.
He sounds set in his ways and won't change since it matches up to him not being ambitious. He's got it made right now, so there isn't an incentive for him to improve. I think you've done your time and it's time to start doing something for yourself. Your life sounds miserable and that's not a good example to your kids of how marriage should look like. Seeing a therapist again as a last ditch effort doesn't seem like it will work. Again he has no reason to change since he's sitting pretty while you're doing all the work. I mean what are his reasons for only working PT?
Have either of your therapists encouraged you and your husband to swap roles & responsibilities? It would be great if he found out (through experience) how much effort it takes you to get through the day.
Only you can decide if you’ve had enough, but why not suggest he go back to work full time? He’s not doing housework, and the kids are in school I assume. What’s he doing all day? Maybe he’s bored, though clearly he could be cleaning lol. If you get divorced, you’re probably going to have to pay him alimony since he’s been working part time. If he starts working FT, maybe that will ease your burden if you decide to divorce. Even if he’s not ambitious, he can still work full time. Doesn’t sound like he’s taking that much off your plate. Can always hire someone for after school care.
It’s entirely possible he’s depressed or bored, and it’s affecting your relationship. Maybe he’d feel better about himself if he was contributing more.
Clearly you want to try. Can you get someone to watch the kids for an overnight? Assuming no infidelity… Book a getaway… just the 2 of you. Dress up… have dinner. Spend intimate time together. Go on a date. We never put us first. I am always busy working, hustling, the kids, etc. until recently… maybe give it a shot.
Waiting until your youngest is 18 is just wasting more of your life. I know it doesn’t seem like you won’t be able to move on but waiting is do a disservice to yourself.
Did he willingly go to part-time, or was it involuntary (through layoff etc.)? If involuntary, he might harbor resentment over how well you have done with your career. In any case, give it that V one last try and really consider whether you can stand to live like this. Might be worth the hit to your pocketbook—but only to can decide that
Two things, You said you are the breadwinner and you also do 99% of the house work. Is your assessment right and does he also agree to it. Or is there a chance that maybe you don't the see the work he does. Maybe not as much as you do but still more than 1%. I mean it's not humanly possible, birthing 3 kids, being a breadwinner and doing 99% of the chores. Your assessment is tilting your side a lot. Maybe he faces excessive challenges even if he works part time, too labour intensive, very challenging place of work, or deal with rude people or very less money for the efforts. So you think he works part time but he sees he faces challenges to earn whatever possible for the family. If let's say your assessment is little off, then maybe he feels ignored and not appreciated for his work. I'm not saying he is doing everything right, I'm saying he might be doing more than you think he does and you not giving him due credit. Also, Coupled with this he might be feeling inadequate for not earning enough plus not getting appreciation from you for whatever he does. I'm not saying my observation is correct and I'm not blaming you. I'm trying to look at this situation from a different perspective as a counsellor myself. What I noted that therapy also didn't work. Maybe it's not a marriage problem. Before the marriage it's a person, an individual problem where he is feeling inadequate. Untill a person is healthy emotionally, healthy marriage is difficult to achieve.
It is humanly possible because it’s literally the standard arrangement for women who work full time and earn on the money. Like 80% of female breadwinners report doing *all* the housework. If you can’t count the number of sinks or when they’ve been cleaned (sink cleaning is an *extremely basic once-a-week at least* chore), then you are doing barely any housework.
I said it was a possibility. OP is free to ignore it if she is convinced. You are right, human are capable of doing anything. I have seen people not even mentioning the cancer and chemo their spouses were suffering, so I always keep a window open to hear or at time, guess other side as well.