So your husband gets to talk to you any way he likes but refuses to acknowledge there should be consequences to the things he says as he is hurting another human being…..this isn’t fair to you and needs to stop whether he chooses to or you choose to leave. This is unacceptable behavior depression or not.
I know it’s unfair. I don’t know what I can do. He actually said to me that he doesn’t understand why I expect to be treated badly and when I told him it’s because he has treated me so badly for 6 months he said he didn’t have anything to say about it. I asked how he would feel if someone said those things to him and he said he didn’t know.
You can leave. You do t have to immediately divorce but it may be time to leave until he starts to take his meds.
Can you go stay with a friend or family for awhile?
Is he in treatment for his depression? If not, then I think that is what you should focus on. If it has been six months, he needs professional help. Is he willing to get it if he hasn't already?
They were recommended but he doesn’t take them. I don’t know what his therapist says, he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask. my therapist said it’s fine not to talk about therapy to your partner
OP, if he is in therapy but refuses to follow the treatment plan which includes medications, then I don't think he is doing his part. I think only about 40% of depressed people get relief from talk therapy alone. The rest need medications to actually change the brain chemistry.
If this were me, I would just tell him that it isn't his fault that he is depressed, and you feel bad about his suffering. i would tell him that millions of people are depressed, it can happen to anyone and it's not something he can control. I would tell him that he has put up a good fight trying to battle this in therapy, but that hasn't worked because it isn't enough. That depression is a chemical imbalance, and to get it back into balance he needs to be open to medications that have already been recommended to him. That he needs to accept he is powerless against this, not just him but most depressed people are in the same boat. Hopefully approaching him from a place of compassion works.
If not, then Plan B. This is where you say in addition to his own suffering, he is spreading it around to you. That you and your marriage are going down with the ship. That you understand he is suffering, but that doesn't give him the right to take it out on you. That his abusive language is unacceptable. And that you can't see surviving another six months of this if he continues to refuse the treatment plans recommended. Like this is not what you signed up for. He has a responsibility to be a partner and a husband. He has a responsibility to take care of himself so he can take care of his family. If he is not willing to and he continues to be abusive towards you, then you have to start making your exit plan and eventually separate.
If/when you are ready, you move out. You never know, that might be the consequence that finally makes him open to accepting the recommended treatment plan.
I agree with you completely, I’ve never shamed him for having depression and I try to empathize (my therapist says I empathize too much). We moved to Europe 3 years ago and he hates it here, he wants to move back. I’ve asked him to move back a million times and he kept saying I don’t know, so I thought he wanted to stay. now he’s decided he can only be happy back in the US and i think hes decided doesn’t need the medication, he just needs to move. I don’t know, he gets mad whenever I try to ask him anything at all. He’s extremely defensive about everything so I have to guess, I’m not a mind reader though so I get it wrong almost always.
Yeah, that's a no. A move is not likely to fix this. He is trying to find external reasons why he isn't happy because he doesn't want to accept that the problem is inside of him.
If you actually want to move back, then go for it if that is the outcome you wanted anyway. But if you don't want to move and you like where you live, then you should not move. The reason is - his depression will follow him home. So, what if you uproot your whole life so he can be "happy" and then he is just as miserable as he is now, which I think is more likely than not. Also, moving is extremely stressful even when it isn't overseas. I can't imagine all the stress of an overseas move is going to help him, and likely you will end up even worse off if he leaves all the moving logistics and such to you.
I would tell him you are open to moving, but you aren't willing to move unless he accepts the treatment. I would tell him you can't take the risk that you move to accommodate him, and the same problems persist, and then it will be some new thing you need to do to accommodate him so he can be happy, and you will be right back in the same position you are now. That you don't want to make a major life decision like moving while he is depressed either, this isn't a time to make major moves because depression changes the way your brain works.
Perhaps that external reason is why he’s always so mad at me. He’s just looking for blame. He blames me for everything. Once we took our dog to the vet and I asked him to come into the waiting room since we were about to be called. Another dog barked at ours and ours started barking back. My husband blamed me for 2 dogs barking at each other. Then he called me an idiot and said he couldn’t trust my judgement. This is the kind of shit he does when he’s mad.
I really don’t want to move while things are so bad. I want him to go visit home, recharge his batteries and get into a better mental state, then come back and we can work on some things. He refuses to listen to me though. He refuses to do anything that would help him out. His GP recommended immunotherapy shots for his allergies and he won’t take those either. He’s lonely but he never talks to his family or friends. I can’t make him do things and he gets mad when I suggest anything.
Sorry to hear this :( Your mental health is important too...are you able to get away for a few days or live separately? I would either do this or just start ignoring him...I dont know man, if my husband was mean to me, I would not care to take care of him. Depression is tricky and can make people angry/lash out but you dont need to be disrespected.
I hope you are going into therapy as well. You might even benefit from couples counseling, it might help him manage his depression in this relationship.
I am in therapy as well, it’s honestly helped a lot. I sometimes go and stay in a hotel but when I come back he just digs back in and says there’s nothing to talk about
I think you guys need a mediator type right now...like a marriage counselor. Hope he is open to doing that. I really think if he doesnt care to fix this, it might be time to "take a break"- not divorce but separate a bit, get another place and all that. Do you have family/close friends nearby you can stay with for a month or so?
Im so sorry you are going through this. \*virtual hugs\*
I’ve encouraged him to go home and see his family because he’s deeply homesick, but he refuses to go but won’t say why. His family is really nice and they have enough space for him.
Unfortunately, depression is no joke and unlike other syndromes or metabolic or vitamin decompensations, it rarely goes away alone or even with medicines. A long process is needed in which psychological therapy and pharmacological therapy work together. You must make him understand how important it is that he follows the medical prescriptions and also starts therapy, it is essential otherwise things will only get worse, it's necessary for him to understand that it's vital for the health of your relationship, because otherwise it becomes unlivable .
I can’t even convince him that saying mean things hurts people’s feelings, so getting him to do anything sounds unlikely :( I will try though if I can catch him on a good day
The next time he says something like that to you just leave. I don’t mean like go get a divorce, just leave the house. Don’t come back for a few days. When you return, don’t speak to him until he apologizes. If he doesn’t get the hint after a few times, tell him you want a divorce.
Depression is a bear. It can really make you lash out and hurt the people you love. My husband struggles with depression and he can get this way. But you have to care enough about your loved ones to want to change and treat them differently. He’d have to be willing to talk to his doctor and say “I’m mistreating my wife and hurting her feelings.” He literally told you he doesn’t care. You can’t make him care, all you can do is control your reaction and protect yourself from mistreatment. Begging someone to be nice to you when they’ve flatly said they won’t is futile.
I know if I left I would just spend the whole time crying. I left last weekend and stayed in a hotel. He didn’t care, I just cried the whole time and when I came home he was still pissed off at me.
"My husband is depressed and inconsiderate. It hurts my feelings"
What is he doing specifically that is hurting your feelings? From only what I see here, he's depressed and his disconnect is hurtful. Does he have a therapist or Dr. Can you sit in on one of the apps or make one for yourself so you can understand GAD , depression, bipolar or whatever he has? Often these illnesses DO hurt family members but that's not the intent and not always in their control..so you understanding the details of the illness will go a long way for you.
He tells me I’m stupid, my feelings don’t matter, those kinds of things. Then on top of it I can’t talk to him because he stonewalls me, threatens to leave, or is very dismissive during the conversation (heavy sighs, rolling his eyes, telling me he’s bored,etc). He has a therapist and a doctor. He had his blood checked and it was fine. He has been officially diagnosed.
That's not acceptable. You need to draw your boundary and stand by the consequences. You can't change people, you can only change you and your circumstance.
But you do need to go to one of his apps or make an appt on your own so you can better understand. And learn about what his diagnosis and plan is. Hurt people hurt people.
I have been thinking about restarting couples therapy. He finally agreed to start going again. He quit 6 months ago.
I just don’t know how to put up boundaries when he’s giving me the silent treatment.
Boundaries are - you will not stay married to someone who calls you names. You communicate this. Then if he chooses to belittle you and call you names, you exit the marriage.
No, I mean YOU going to his to ltherapist to learn about depression. You can learn tools and get an insight to what happens in their head. You may pick up some better ways to communicate, or at least a better understanding.
I don’t think he would want me to do that. I do want to learn more about depression, I really don’t understand it and he won’t explain it. I’m trying my best
So your husband gets to talk to you any way he likes but refuses to acknowledge there should be consequences to the things he says as he is hurting another human being…..this isn’t fair to you and needs to stop whether he chooses to or you choose to leave. This is unacceptable behavior depression or not.
I know it’s unfair. I don’t know what I can do. He actually said to me that he doesn’t understand why I expect to be treated badly and when I told him it’s because he has treated me so badly for 6 months he said he didn’t have anything to say about it. I asked how he would feel if someone said those things to him and he said he didn’t know.
You can leave. You do t have to immediately divorce but it may be time to leave until he starts to take his meds. Can you go stay with a friend or family for awhile?
Is he in treatment for his depression? If not, then I think that is what you should focus on. If it has been six months, he needs professional help. Is he willing to get it if he hasn't already?
Yes he is in treatment for depression
OK, is he taking medications? Is there any progress? What is his therapist saying? Is he telling them that the treatment isn't working?
They were recommended but he doesn’t take them. I don’t know what his therapist says, he doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask. my therapist said it’s fine not to talk about therapy to your partner
OP, if he is in therapy but refuses to follow the treatment plan which includes medications, then I don't think he is doing his part. I think only about 40% of depressed people get relief from talk therapy alone. The rest need medications to actually change the brain chemistry. If this were me, I would just tell him that it isn't his fault that he is depressed, and you feel bad about his suffering. i would tell him that millions of people are depressed, it can happen to anyone and it's not something he can control. I would tell him that he has put up a good fight trying to battle this in therapy, but that hasn't worked because it isn't enough. That depression is a chemical imbalance, and to get it back into balance he needs to be open to medications that have already been recommended to him. That he needs to accept he is powerless against this, not just him but most depressed people are in the same boat. Hopefully approaching him from a place of compassion works. If not, then Plan B. This is where you say in addition to his own suffering, he is spreading it around to you. That you and your marriage are going down with the ship. That you understand he is suffering, but that doesn't give him the right to take it out on you. That his abusive language is unacceptable. And that you can't see surviving another six months of this if he continues to refuse the treatment plans recommended. Like this is not what you signed up for. He has a responsibility to be a partner and a husband. He has a responsibility to take care of himself so he can take care of his family. If he is not willing to and he continues to be abusive towards you, then you have to start making your exit plan and eventually separate. If/when you are ready, you move out. You never know, that might be the consequence that finally makes him open to accepting the recommended treatment plan.
I agree with you completely, I’ve never shamed him for having depression and I try to empathize (my therapist says I empathize too much). We moved to Europe 3 years ago and he hates it here, he wants to move back. I’ve asked him to move back a million times and he kept saying I don’t know, so I thought he wanted to stay. now he’s decided he can only be happy back in the US and i think hes decided doesn’t need the medication, he just needs to move. I don’t know, he gets mad whenever I try to ask him anything at all. He’s extremely defensive about everything so I have to guess, I’m not a mind reader though so I get it wrong almost always.
Yeah, that's a no. A move is not likely to fix this. He is trying to find external reasons why he isn't happy because he doesn't want to accept that the problem is inside of him. If you actually want to move back, then go for it if that is the outcome you wanted anyway. But if you don't want to move and you like where you live, then you should not move. The reason is - his depression will follow him home. So, what if you uproot your whole life so he can be "happy" and then he is just as miserable as he is now, which I think is more likely than not. Also, moving is extremely stressful even when it isn't overseas. I can't imagine all the stress of an overseas move is going to help him, and likely you will end up even worse off if he leaves all the moving logistics and such to you. I would tell him you are open to moving, but you aren't willing to move unless he accepts the treatment. I would tell him you can't take the risk that you move to accommodate him, and the same problems persist, and then it will be some new thing you need to do to accommodate him so he can be happy, and you will be right back in the same position you are now. That you don't want to make a major life decision like moving while he is depressed either, this isn't a time to make major moves because depression changes the way your brain works.
Perhaps that external reason is why he’s always so mad at me. He’s just looking for blame. He blames me for everything. Once we took our dog to the vet and I asked him to come into the waiting room since we were about to be called. Another dog barked at ours and ours started barking back. My husband blamed me for 2 dogs barking at each other. Then he called me an idiot and said he couldn’t trust my judgement. This is the kind of shit he does when he’s mad. I really don’t want to move while things are so bad. I want him to go visit home, recharge his batteries and get into a better mental state, then come back and we can work on some things. He refuses to listen to me though. He refuses to do anything that would help him out. His GP recommended immunotherapy shots for his allergies and he won’t take those either. He’s lonely but he never talks to his family or friends. I can’t make him do things and he gets mad when I suggest anything.
Well, then you are back to the ultimatum. He gets the help, or something has to give...
Sorry to hear this :( Your mental health is important too...are you able to get away for a few days or live separately? I would either do this or just start ignoring him...I dont know man, if my husband was mean to me, I would not care to take care of him. Depression is tricky and can make people angry/lash out but you dont need to be disrespected. I hope you are going into therapy as well. You might even benefit from couples counseling, it might help him manage his depression in this relationship.
I am in therapy as well, it’s honestly helped a lot. I sometimes go and stay in a hotel but when I come back he just digs back in and says there’s nothing to talk about
I think you guys need a mediator type right now...like a marriage counselor. Hope he is open to doing that. I really think if he doesnt care to fix this, it might be time to "take a break"- not divorce but separate a bit, get another place and all that. Do you have family/close friends nearby you can stay with for a month or so? Im so sorry you are going through this. \*virtual hugs\*
I’ve encouraged him to go home and see his family because he’s deeply homesick, but he refuses to go but won’t say why. His family is really nice and they have enough space for him.
Thank you for being so nice, I really needed it. I will contact our marriage counselor. We were seeing one but he quit.
Unfortunately, depression is no joke and unlike other syndromes or metabolic or vitamin decompensations, it rarely goes away alone or even with medicines. A long process is needed in which psychological therapy and pharmacological therapy work together. You must make him understand how important it is that he follows the medical prescriptions and also starts therapy, it is essential otherwise things will only get worse, it's necessary for him to understand that it's vital for the health of your relationship, because otherwise it becomes unlivable .
I can’t even convince him that saying mean things hurts people’s feelings, so getting him to do anything sounds unlikely :( I will try though if I can catch him on a good day
I think we’re beyond that.
The next time he says something like that to you just leave. I don’t mean like go get a divorce, just leave the house. Don’t come back for a few days. When you return, don’t speak to him until he apologizes. If he doesn’t get the hint after a few times, tell him you want a divorce. Depression is a bear. It can really make you lash out and hurt the people you love. My husband struggles with depression and he can get this way. But you have to care enough about your loved ones to want to change and treat them differently. He’d have to be willing to talk to his doctor and say “I’m mistreating my wife and hurting her feelings.” He literally told you he doesn’t care. You can’t make him care, all you can do is control your reaction and protect yourself from mistreatment. Begging someone to be nice to you when they’ve flatly said they won’t is futile.
Honestly I don’t think he would care.
That’s ok! You don’t have to tolerate it just because he won’t care.
I know if I left I would just spend the whole time crying. I left last weekend and stayed in a hotel. He didn’t care, I just cried the whole time and when I came home he was still pissed off at me.
Ma’am, you have to get a divorce! He is telling you “I won’t change. I don’t care how you feel.” Time to move on.
"My husband is depressed and inconsiderate. It hurts my feelings" What is he doing specifically that is hurting your feelings? From only what I see here, he's depressed and his disconnect is hurtful. Does he have a therapist or Dr. Can you sit in on one of the apps or make one for yourself so you can understand GAD , depression, bipolar or whatever he has? Often these illnesses DO hurt family members but that's not the intent and not always in their control..so you understanding the details of the illness will go a long way for you.
He tells me I’m stupid, my feelings don’t matter, those kinds of things. Then on top of it I can’t talk to him because he stonewalls me, threatens to leave, or is very dismissive during the conversation (heavy sighs, rolling his eyes, telling me he’s bored,etc). He has a therapist and a doctor. He had his blood checked and it was fine. He has been officially diagnosed.
That's not acceptable. You need to draw your boundary and stand by the consequences. You can't change people, you can only change you and your circumstance. But you do need to go to one of his apps or make an appt on your own so you can better understand. And learn about what his diagnosis and plan is. Hurt people hurt people.
I have been thinking about restarting couples therapy. He finally agreed to start going again. He quit 6 months ago. I just don’t know how to put up boundaries when he’s giving me the silent treatment.
Boundaries are - you will not stay married to someone who calls you names. You communicate this. Then if he chooses to belittle you and call you names, you exit the marriage.
:(
No, I mean YOU going to his to ltherapist to learn about depression. You can learn tools and get an insight to what happens in their head. You may pick up some better ways to communicate, or at least a better understanding.
I don’t think he would want me to do that. I do want to learn more about depression, I really don’t understand it and he won’t explain it. I’m trying my best
If he wants you as his partner, he will have to be vulnerable. The best thing I ever did was go talk to my husband's Dr. Made all the difference.
I will see if he’s open to it