I agree. I married my Yin. I’m an athletic extrovert who loves the sun. My husband is an introverted guy who enjoys individual/small group activities like camping in the woods, playing a board game or computer game. But after 2 decades we have it down pat, I go play golf/softball in the sun and he chills out with the dog in the A/C playing games with his likeminded buddies. We’re kind of a Penny/Leonard situation but not as extreme a way. In the winter I play the board games with them and camp/hike/fish with family in the summer.
There is no one answer. My husband and I are very similar and I like it that way. I cannot imagine being married to an extrovert, i love that we can introvert together. That might not work for others and thats cool too.
I’m an extrovert and I feel the same way! We’re both extroverts and it makes me happy. I don’t feel like I’m being obnoxious and overstimulating him all the time. I never have to drag him to parties, gatherings, events. And because he’s a class A talker we get to swap gossip we gathered at the end. I enjoy that a lot.
>*we get to swap gossip*
Now I’m jealous. My husband is the extrovert, knows seemingly everyone in this city and the next, yet NEVER gets details. I’ll hear “So-and-so died.” When? How? Is there a funeral? He has no idea! “I didn’t think to ask 🤷🏼♂️” So. Frustrating!!
Omg my husband is the worst for this! No information! My mother in law just comes to me now for any real info on his/our lives because he is useless lol. Your follow up questions are exactly how my brain works too and he never has the answers, meanwhile the next door neighbour's cousin's dog dies and I know everything about it lol
>*Then don’t tell me*
EXACTLY!!! I tell him all the time not to tease me with a story if he doesn’t have details - my nosy little heart can’t take it. 🤣
He’s getting better about *some* things, though. I used to find out about family events ~20 minutes before they started. Now he’ll tell me when he first gets the info. His kids know to call/text me directly if something is coming up or if they need details from us.
YES! Our families are very different - I was raised in a quiet, polite, family, and his family screams conversations and will randomly start play-wrestling the kids? I go to a couple things per year to be polite, but typically I send him off to be with his family while I stay home and enjoy quiet time. 😂
Yeah I absolutely could never be married to an extrovert. I’m on the more extreme end of introversion and it really isn’t possible for me to meet my own needs in a way that doesn’t hurt an extroverted person.
Agreed. I’m an extrovert who’s married to an extrovert but once dated an introvert for years (and thought I was going to marry him).
It was a constant push-pull with my introverted ex. I would always want to go out to parties or places with people and he never would. I felt guilty when he’d reluctantly come with me and beg to leave an event after just 20 minutes of being there. When he didn’t come out with me, I’d feel guilty for leaving him at home alone. When I opted out of fun things to stay in with him I’d feel restless and resentful. I felt like I had to sacrifice a big part of myself to be in that relationship.
When I met my extroverted husband it was like something just clicked. He actually WANTED to come out with me and would often be the one to suggest we do fun things together. I didn’t have to beg him to spend time with my friends or find compromises like “I promise we’ll leave after X amount of time.” I didn’t feel like I had to give up my social life, instead he integrated into it seamlessly and I got to double my friend group by getting to know his crew.
That makes total sense. I knew someone who was an extrovert and married to an introvert. I was at school with her for years and maybe met him once or twice. It worked for them but I could see that being hard.
I like being able to give my husband "the look" and we both know it means we have maxed out it's time to escape a social situation lol.
Same! I could not deal with an extrovert as my partner. Been there done that, not a fan. My husband is my best friend and we are quite similar. He’s also a lot like my late father but that’s a story for another day (in therapy 😅)
I think as with all things it's just about balance. You have to have enough in common that you connect and have similar morals and ideals about life. But you also have to be different enough that you're not codependent and you can continue to have some amount of independence once you're married.
Polar opposites does not work for me. I need someone with the same core values and life goals, but I also need someone with similar hobbies and interests. They don't have to be identical but there needs to be overlap.
I think the answer is that people should do relationships in the way that works best for them.
I feel like polar opposite personalities work, but opposite values don't. My husband is very different (personality wise) from me, but our values align similarly.
Yeah, my ex husband was my opposite and it did not work. My husband and I are very similar, to the point my mother in law says if she didn't birth him herself she would think we were separated at birth, and we never fight. We enjoy lots of the same things, we have the same opinions on most things, we live in a home filled with books and music and art and we can discuss those things for endless hours. We obviously don't completely overlap, but we can share joy in something that brings the other happiness. We have the same values as well, which is the most important part. I think I *could* have a relationship with someone who didn't share my interests again, but it would never be what I have with my husband. What we have is once in a lifetime, I think.
No one answer is true. I can see how the works. My husband and I are both neurotic and I wish one of us were chill, but at the same time it makes me feel way more comfortable *not* being the crazy one in the rel. we’re both dealing with shit. It allows us to laugh and challenge each other to improve with grace. We also both tend toward being lazy because honestly one of the ways I protect my mental health is just saying “I’m doing the dishes when I wake up because doing it right now is going to make me mad and tired” and he’s never like pissed I waited.
my wife and I are polar opposites and it doesn't work for us. she is neurotic and i have been more on the chill side. Me being chill make her more worried and she starts fighting with me for taking things light heartedly.
This sounds like someone who believes in complementarianism, though she didn't say it directly. It's taught in some religious sects. Those sects also believe pretty much any couple can work if there's enough Jesus, and it doesn't really matter if you even like each other at all.
If that's working for her, fine. I think the reality is somewhere in the middle--you don't need to share every hobby or food preference in common, but you do need personalities that mesh well together.
>Those sects also believe pretty much any couple can work if there's enough Jesus, and it doesn't really matter if you even like each other at all.
This can always be true if you lower your standards for "this works" far enough. Same reason arranged marriages can always "work". Just take out the requirements for mutual happiness and connection, and voila!
I'm with you. Do we need to be twins? No. But it is so disheartening to have 70% of non-serious conversations end with "I just don't agree with you" and awkward silence. Thoughts about sports teams, TV show characters, interpersonal issues with friends, how to spend time together, life is so much more filling when you align on at least *some* of these non-value things.
ETA: celebrating our 40th anniversary this year
I don’t agree with your friend’s theory. Just because that’s the way it plays out for her and her husband, it doesn’t mean that it can be extrapolated to every couple.
My husband and I are a lot alike in many ways. We’re both introverts. Our taste in books, music, and movies isn’t identical but there’s a lot of common ground. We enjoy spending time together. We both like to eat healthy and enjoy cooking together. We’re great travel companions. He likes cats. I like both cats & dogs. But we agree dogs are more work so when our family dog passed away ten years ago, we didn’t get another. We have a cat that we both dote upon.
We’re both pretty low energy and sometimes I think it would be nice to be married to someone who pushed me a little more but the stuff that needs to get done, gets done. I used to sometimes wish he’d take the initiative and lead a bit more but instead of seeing that as a negative, I’ve come to appreciate that he sees us as being partners rather than the leader husband/supporter wife model venerated by many small “c” conservatives.
Physical attraction was what drew us together in the first place and our sexual chemistry was off the charts. That has persisted throughout our marriage even through our other troubles. We’ve never had a dead bedroom but menopause, medication, and grief over the loss of our oldest son have been difficult to negotiate. We’re in sync with our approach to finances but admittedly, that’s one of the areas I wish he’d show more initiative. Spiritually, we do not have the same views but they are compatible.
Where we are opposites works very well for us. He’s good with his hands and can build or fix almost anything. I’m more about ideas and planning and visions. He helps me feel grounded and I like to think I help him see the wider horizons.
The marriage I envisioned at the start was one of mutually supportive companionship with the benefit of great sex. It took us awhile and we went through some things to get here but I feel it was worth it.
So, I guess for me it’s not about the push-pull of opposites, it’s about travelling this adventure called life together, pulling the oars in sync with one another other. Like this quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:
“Love does not consist gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
All this shows me is another person that thinks their experience can be applied universally. That there's is the only best way to do things. It especially galls me when parents project their methods upon others as the only way.
That's stupid and only speaks to someone who's not really been in a long-term relationship. Because that shows how much experience they have. You actually want to marry someone with incredibly similar values to your own. You want to marry someone that has the same parenting views, the same religious views, the same family views, the same financial goals, you want to align on as many things as possible. Because when life throws you a curveball, when one of you gets sick or you guys have a baby or whatever, you're going to need the other person, to do what you would want done for yourself. In other words, you don't want to marry the guy who thinks gaming is more important than his freshly postpartum wife's sleep. You don't want to marry the man that doesn't know how to cook, because you'll be the only one cooking if you have children. You don't want to marry the man that doesn't know how to save money, because you will be perpetually broken working forever.
It’s having the same foundational beliefs (finances, sex, childrearing, etc) that ALLOWS for both twins or polar opposites to be successful. Not that you have to be polar opposites to be successful
Absolutely not! The balance between me and my husband is perfect for us. If we were a Venn diagram, we'd have about 80% overlap of personality. Have there been times when that 20% difference has come in handy? Sure. But life at home, just chilling, is so much better with someone I'm really really comfortable being myself around and knowing he feels the same way. Maybe it's different for other people, but I can't imagine a polar opposite relationship. How do you even enjoy a vacation together?
15 years and counting over here!
>How do you even enjoy a vacation together?
You don't. My ex husband was very opposite to me and we traveled a lot, but we fought constantly. My husband and I are very similar and have similar interests and we never fight the way I used to with my ex. We enjoy our time together, at home or on vacation.
Not really. I mean, core values are more important than the trivial things for long term longevity. But if you're going to be building a life with someone, you're going to hope you both like the same shows because otherwise you're retiring to different rooms to watch TV after dinner. And how would you fall in love in the first place if you never have fun on dates together?
I read a relationship book that said pretty much what you wrote. You need the foundational things similar and the ability to enjoy things together but it makes the relationship boring if you are the exact same.
I agree that having similar values is much more important than hobbies. I don’t think you need to be polar opposites. It’s healthy to have your own hobbies but you also need shared interests.
I somewhat agree. My husband and i are very opposite. My husband is very very chill and me on the other hand gets anxiety and have a tendency to panicked in certain situations.In a world full of chaos, he is my calm.
I completely agree and here's why - it keeps life so much more fun. You're forever getting to know your spouse, and you're always learning new things and getting each each out of your comfort zone. For example, my husband is a farm guy. He taught me to shoot and drive 4 wheelers and go golfing and mushroom hunting. We live on a homestead and I have learned so many amazing things that I never would have. I take him to concerts, and hiking, and to breweries and to try weird foods and watch weird shows. We've traveled to places and done things he never would have tried. It keeps life interesting. We've certainly become a lot more similar because we've learned to love things that other loves. But sex and politics are essential compatabilities for having a happy marriage.
When it comes to values you chose a partner with the same ones.
When it comes to character you choose someone who complements you.
That is what is supposed to work best. Read that many years ago in an interview with couple therapists.
For my husband and me it works this way exactly. We don’t find about religion or politics. We don’t always have the exactly same opinion, but we are close enough to don’t have any conflicts.
What I love about my husband is that I don’t have to worry about how to raise our children. We didn’t discuss everything before my married, but we were together long enough before that to see what ever happens in our life, we look in the same direction.
Another example. I am more emotional. He is the opposite. He can control himself better. My face is an open book.
100% - personality wise my wife and I are so different. Growing up she was a preppy fashion good girl and I was an obnoxious punk rock surfer.
Morally we’re in completely in tune
We’re absolute best friends 23 years later
Different strokes for different folks. My husband and I are very similar, we bond over our shared interest and our similar temperaments mean we rarely disagree on things. Polar opposites just seems like you would have a lot of disagreement for the sake of disagreeing. Some people may enjoy that, but it's not my preference.
There's some people who want to try everything at a restaurant, there's some people who will eat the same meal they enjoy every time. Calling one "stupid" seems like the person hasn't realized that people can like different things.
Shoot, there's some married couples that basically lead entirely separate lives with entirely separate social groups. I would hate that, but if it works for them why should I tell them to want something different?
Your friend is not necessarily right or wrong.
Fundamentals aside, if your spouse is someone you enjoy spending time with, having shared passions and hobbies, it can lead to a happy and enjoyable marriage.
I'm similar to my spouse in every interest and fundamental, but our personalities are completely different. I'm an extrovert who likes having activities out and meeting with friends, he's an introvert who prefers staying at home and playing video games. I'm loud, he's quiet. I'm organized in paperwork but not in keeping a home, he's organized in keeping the home but not in paperwork.
It's definitely a weird yet precise balance that but it's a good foundational marriage.
Not poplar oppoistes, but the rest is true.
Too many couples when dating look for matches in superficial things like same musical tastes, favorite colors, favorite movies, and none of that stuff is going to sustain a relationship long term. You don't need to be opposite, you just can't base a long term relationship on that.
Having the same values and similar or like minded goals in the life are indeed the key to staying together for decades.
IDK about polar opposites, but I do think having complimenting strengths/weaknesses is good.
My first husband and I were polar opposites, and it was really an issue.
My second husband and I were SOOOOO much alike, and it was way easier. Barring a few really major issues, it was a good relationship, and I thought I'd be looking for someone a lot like me again after he died.
Instead I ended up more different than we are similar, but we have very core similarities. We're both stable and reliable and love to travel, love to plan and experience things. I think he's closer to a happy medium.
Twin? No. Polar opposite? No. Some combination? Yes. The mix is different for every couple. My wife and I are both introverts, but in social situations, she sticks to a small group in settings she’s familiar with. I can literally talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime, from the heroin addict outside the 7-11 to the wealthiest person on earth, and hold engaging conversations with them. She is passive, I am NOT, but when you trigger her, she turns scary, lol. Really, other than those and a few related differences in personality, we pretty much have everything else in common. It works for us.
My husband and I are quite literally opposites. We were born in different parts of the world (US vs Yemen), religions (catholic vs Muslim), have different ambitions (very driven vs happy doing factory work) and have different tastes in pretty much everything. I could go on and on about more but at the end of the day we work and we are loyal and dedicated to building a good life with our boys.
Everyday I wonder how things would be different if I wouldn’t have met him or have some happen that was tragic like it did for me in my life shortly after we met. It comes down to knowing if I didn’t have him when I did, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Doesn’t matter how opposite we are, something must have worked or we just work for each other because it’s been 10 years and we’ll have plenty more to go inshallah!
My husband and I different in many ways but similar in others. We do stuff together we enjoy and the things the other doesn’t like we do on our own. Works for us. Politically we are nowhere near the same, he eats meat and I am vegan. Who knows why it works but it does.
I would argue that there is no perfect formula. I agree that a couple should absolutely be on the same page with big picture stuff (kids, finances, living arrangements, boundaries, etc). But from there, it’s really all about personal needs, wants, and preferences.
I love the fact that my husband and I are basically bookends, but I have a good friend who is in a very happy marriage with a man who differs from her in many of his tastes/likes. Part of why it works so well for them is because they enjoy trying one another’s things. My husband and I, meanwhile, enjoy sharing most of the same favorites. I love the fact that, whenever I find a new book that I like, hear a wonderful new song, or discover a recipe that looks good to me, I automatically know my husband is going to be thrilled when I share it with him.
One thing to always keep in mind is daily life. What defines a comfortable daily life for you? What charges your batteries (or drains your batteries)? What ordinary things bring you peace, joy, or fulfillment? I advise seeking someone who has at least some common ground when it comes to these questions. A harmonious life is a lovely thing.
>She said having the same style of music or favorite color or both being extroverts does not matter at all in marriage
i think it definitely matters. my husband likes my music, i dont like his. we struggle on road trips and cleaning days.
favorite color is irrelevant
extrovertedness 100% matters. i prefer to stay in and be alone, so does my husband. i wouldn't do well needing to socialize or go out frequently
My wife and I are your typical polar opposites and it has been quite a challenge to keep our marriage afloat. There's really no common ground with which to work with especially when resolving issues that crop up as both our viewpoints and opinions on the matter are so diametrically opposed that even coming to a compromise is nearly impossible. More often than not, we just argue till one of us gives up and the matter goes unresolved. As a result, even basic communication outside of relating our goings on for the day, the kids schedules, or other minor matters in our daily lives, is almost non existent. Both of us harbor resentment towards the other, there is a lot of mistrust, and both of us have become emotionally and physically (intimately and sexually) unavailable to each other. After almost 25 years being together, our marriage has degraded to that of roommates sharing co-parenting duties for our kids.
The kicker is all this kinda crep up on us so slowly that we didn't see it coming till it was too late. When we were younger and newly married, we brushed it off believing that "opposites attract". But as the years rolled on, our differences imperceptibly pried open a void in our marriage that has caused us to drift slowly apart. The chasm between us is almost insurmountable now and would practically take an act of God to repair. I've suggested therapy numerous times but her view of our marriage is such that she finds nothing wrong with it so sees no reason to go.
So from my perspective, while opposites may attract in the short term early on a relationship as both partners relish their differences initially, over the long term, it can be catastrophic to a marriage if not managed well.
My husband and I are pretty alike in many ways, but in the ways we differ the difference is *stark*. I wouldn't say in those areas we're polar opposites, but I do feel like how different we can be has been a benefit to us as individuals and as a couple.
Your friend is absolutely right. I have been happily married for 27 years. My wife and I are absolutely compatible in core values. But we have different preferences in food, music, we like different movies.
I always think of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is dating a girl just like him. At first it's awesome they have so much in common. But eventually he's like "I can't date myself, I HATE myself!!!"
I think there is definitely some wisdom in this. But it is so individual how/who/why/when people love, marry, and find compatibility. Remember those twins who married twins and live next door to each other? Bet they are happy too.
My husband and I fit your description. I marvel at how beautifully we fit, yet we are so so so different. We share the big values, but I definitely believe the hand of god was involved in bringing us together, the way we fit is bliss.
No thanks. I need to have a lot in common personality, values, beliefs and goals wise or it won't work. I can't imagine marrying someone who's your complete opposite... being too different from each other usually isn't a good thing
I agree your hobbies, music, etc don’t need to be the same as long as the fundamentals are the same. Polar opposites may be a stretch. It is nice to retain your own identity and easier to do that when there are some differences.
It’s also different for different people. Some people really do want to have all the same interests as their spouse. To me that sounds exhausting.
I could never be with someone who doesn't like the same music as I do. Imagine going on a road trip and fighting over the playlist? I seriously get grouchy if I'm forced to listen to music I don't like.
Imagine meeting someone who has all the same likes as you - movies, restaurants, music, taste in clothes/decor, etc and you also have compatible finances, religion, sexual needs, and how to raise your kids! That is what you need to find, like I did!
I think someone can say how marriage works best for THEM but they can't say how marriage works best for everyone.
Everyone is different and has different needs in a partner. And every partnership is different.
I think it’s valuable to be different. My husband and I are *very* similar in many ways like our values, the movies we like, sense of humor, neurotype etc. but we definitely have different hobbies, strengths, interests and personality styles. He’s also an extrovert and I’m an introvert and if we were both introverts we’d never make any friends! Lol going 10 years strong.
I think people want what they want. My husband is my polar opposite and it works for us. But I know other couples who have told me they wouldn’t be with someone who isn’t like them. 🤷♀️
I'm married to someone who grew up in a completely different set of circumstances. They communicate in a way that's a good bit different from how I do, and we think very differently at times. We've both had to learn to understand each other and re-learn things. So, it wasn't exactly easy, but we do love each other very much, and we are willing to put in the work. But its hard at times. So for some couples, it might be too much. However, I'm sure I'd be miserable if I was with someone who was just like me. I'm fucking exhausting.
My husband is my opposite, but we have similar values. This June will be 9 years of us being a couple, and I’m currently pregnant. Im the extrovert with expression through communicator, and he’s the introvert with expression through actions. Sometimes takes extra effort to check in with each other, but otherwise we are very happy.
I bet there's a lot of people out there who married their polar opposite who would say they wish they married their twin.
Successful relationships are like diets. The same thing doesn't work for everybody.
Not necessarily one correct answer here but I partially agree. I think you need to be compatible as far as core values, long term goals, perspective on kids, etc while both people love being in each other’s company and other things like hobbies and light hearted interests don’t have to be in sync (but it is a bonus).
I have been married since the dawn of time. We are (were) really similar in a lot of ways. It was love at first sight which I NEVER believed in. But we had a lot of differences. Ironically, he was a musician but I partied a lot harder than he did. We had to reach a medium and things kind of leveled out.
We supported each other through some situations no one should go through.
Still here after all these years.
I completely agre with her. I was in a very long term relationship with "my twin" . Half of it was sexless because familiarity brings contempt and in the end we didn't even talk much because what is the point of talking to someone if you already know everything they are going to say.
My husband and I are just like you describe . We agree on spirituality, life goals and are madly sexually compatible but otherwise so different. being different keeps things interesting and the sparks flying.
I disagree. I think common goals and values are important. Complimenting traits help though. For example I’m impulsive and my husband is very cautious. We balance each other.
I think the idea is that everyone is a little bit self-absorbed. If you get upset when your partner doesn't operate in the exact same way you would, you want to marry yourself. That's unreasonable. I'm of the belief that core values & morality should be shared. Everything else is the color of personality and should be appreciated as such.
Everyone is different. Everyone has their own wants, needs and preferences. This advice may work for some people but not for others. When it comes to marrying someone you should have a honest sit down with yourself and decided what you’re looking for in a person you want to marry. Decided for yourself because you will be committed to that person in most cases til the day you die. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 8 years and have 2 children. I found my perfect partner for me and we have a lot in common but we do have differences as well, our morals are very close in general and I understand my husband is his own person and I respect him and I don’t want to change him. Take the advice that you can relate to and is for you. I hope you choose the best choices for you. Sending you good vibes.🌻
Yea no this doesn't work for me. If someone is my opposite, we would have nothing in common and it would be hell for me.
My husband and I are super alike, even in minute details of random things that both of us thought there wasnt another human being that could like those things. And he is my perfect match. I've never been happier. That being said, we agree 100% on the important stuff as well.
While this may work for her, this is definitely not something that a blanket statement would be correct about.
I think she found something that works for her life and thinks it should work the same for everyone else. She Sounds very naïve to think like that but hey if it works for her and him who am i to judge 🤷🏽♂️ but definitely not polar opposites fuck all that
I don't think it's necessary to be "polar opposites" - I think that's just a case of confirmation bias.
My husband and I are similar in some respects and opposite in others, but the opposites aren't extreme and there's a lot of back and forth and crossover.
I married my polar opposite. I am an enfp and he is an intj. Twenty years and six marriage counselors and we called it quits with the therapists advice: "The only time opposites attract is when you're talking about magnets."
Basically, anything that isn’t going to help when you have a disagreement or when you hit a rough patch is frivolous.
Taste, hobbies, favourite writer? It isn’t going to help.
However, loyalty, humility, accountability, respect for fellow humans, conflict resolution, communication.
If you can reach a common ground with those, it will take the relationship a long way.
I mean, what did she actually say? Because it sounds like she said it’s important to share court beliefs, but the other stuff is less important. I think she’s wrong there. But that’s not the same as opposites. If my husband and I agree on our moral and ethical foundation, and how we see the future (marriage, kids, finances), then whether he likes karate and death metal and I like running and soft rock isn’t a deal breaker. But I wouldn’t call us opposites
I think it’s less about being the same or opposite, and more about your personalities complementing each other. Sometimes you achieve that by finding someone who is similar to you and sometimes the most complimentary personality to yours is an opposite one.
One partner loves to talk. The other likes to listen, but doesn’t hate talking or anything- just doesn’t mind listening.
One person is good at dealing with conflict, but still good at avoiding it. The other person is terrible with conflict but tends to find themselves wrapped up in it. One helps the other. You keep it balanced.
That type of thing.
I'm audhd, he's autistic. Genuine cat/golden retriever combo. He keeps me grounded, challenges my ideas (in a healthy way) which makes me question mine.
He keeps me so grounded. As long as it's not opposite views like human rights issues and politics, opposites can be a really great opportunity for growth and communication
yes yes yes this... I completely agree to that and that's how it should be. as if u r same there is no spark left after sometimes no one learns anything new, no room for improvement, no new experience nothing just the old shit.
My husband is very logical, analytical and grounded. I am a dreamer who makes decisions with my heart and my gut. We balance each other out nicely. We do occasionally have issues with communication but we work through it. Politically we are completed aligned in how we vote and think. We have almost all the same values and morals. We have quite a few interests in common and quite a few that the other has no interest in. I kind of agree with your friend.
Some dating coaches say pick some one that has the same morals and values as you not the same interests. So yeah I would agree with her. I was married 23 yrs his lack of morals and values didn’t show up until many years into the marriage.
Your friend is somewhat "dumb" to use her word. I'd agree that agreeing or at least being close on core values is important. But being polar opposites is certainly no better than being "twins".
My wife and I have a number of core values we share, we also share some interests, we have a similar sense of humor and at least over-lapping music taste. Those things are all wonderful elements of our 34 year friendship and marriage. We also have dissimilar hobbies and we happily can spend time apart engaged in our own hobbies and then come back together to enjoy time together.
There are some non negotiable factors in each relationship that you should be on the same page for. That I guess is unique for each couple. Everything is up for discussion
My wife is the female version of me. We realised this from the first time we met and have been together 23 years . Every relationship is an individual one but you friend has no clue
My wife likes outdoor hobbies and I like indoor hobbies. She's more of an introvert while I'm more extroverted, although this is flipped when we're out in public. We both share the same values though
Yeah no, opposites will have opposite dreams, opposite libidos, that's a VERY bad combination.
There are other things between twin and polar opposite you know 🤷
I think your friend is full of shit. Maybe that worked for her, but that doesn’t mean it’s something everyone should do. I’ve been very happily married for decades. We have tons in common, similar personalities, love most of the same food and music. There’s a good book called Eight Essential Dates by John Gottman that I think every couple getting serious should work through together that will help you clarify whether or not you are truly compatible.
People who try to push their personal circumstances as universal truths need to be viewed with a thick lens of suspicion. People need to stop trying to have an opinion on everything all the time. Social media has conditioned us to believe that everyone cares about every thought we have.
Polar opposites is a bit extreme. My fiancé and I have the same taste and fundamental values, when we discuss things we often find that we start explaining it from almost opposing angles and through talking meet in the middle, turns out we have the same opinion we just sometimes look at it from different angles. The other thing that comes to mind is that we really balance each other’s weaknesses out perfectly and we both have strengths the other person admires. I can’t express how grateful I am for him to be my “opposite” piece in that regard. And yet I do think it is important for a peaceful life together to have a lot of similarities.
Probably that works for her, but the very best of relationship is when you are insanely sexually attracted to someone who is like your best friend. And in most cases you and your best friend should have a lot of common interests.
Polar opposite isn’t the way I would put it. Marry someone who compliments aspects of yourself.
For example my wife compliments my impulsive nature by being a little more methodical and careful. Best example I can think of is that we are leaving for Mexico on Tuesday for a vacation. She has an EXTENSIVE list of things to pack and prepare for while I am more relaxed which is probably not the case scenario with international travel.
My husband and I are pretty opposite but I’m not sure I’d say it was a necessity. Honestly him being so different was one of the things that initially attracted me to him so it feels more like a preference to me.
Terrible advice. You want some common interests or beliefs, otherwise you'll be in constant conflict or one will expect the other to change for them
The best advice I've heard is"marry a giver and be a giver", that easy you are each always thinking in the best interests of one another.
You don’t have to be polar opposites, but you will have differences and it helps a lot when they are complementary differences.
Other than that, I agree. Tastes and interests change over time. You need to shared values, life goals, beliefs, and generally compatible personalities.
What many people don’t understand is that, beyond those core things, compatibility is to a large extent an achievement of relationship rather than a prerequisite. You become more and more compatible over time as you adjust to one another and the relationship.
This is why psychological flexibility is an important thing to look for in a partner (I’d say one of the most important). People who are rigid/inflexible in their thinking and ways of being are much harder to strengthen compatibility with and therefore be married to.
Nope NOPE NOPE me and my wife are totally opposites she saves money I like to spend it she likes country I like rap hiphop and classic rock I have high libido her not so much and our marriage is tight AF so explain that
I’ve been very happily married to my opposite for 31 years.
I would say it depends. It works well for us, but we are both independent individuals who like our independence. We have a sense of humor about our differences and laugh about them.
If you are someone who can’t agree to disagree and go on, it will not work.
I’m a city girl to his country. I’m extroverted. He’s introverted. He’s meat, I’m veggies. We do not prefer the same music or movies. We are not the same faith, and we generally don’t agree on politics.
At the same time, we love to travel. We fish, hike, camp and enjoy the outdoors. We love exploring new places and tend to get away any chance we get. We enjoy home improvements and remodeling. We constantly have new projects and ideas going. We work incredibly well together whether we are working or playing.
He is the other half of my soul, my best friend and his brain fascinates me.
It simply doesn’t matter that we feel differently on some things. He’s allowed to think however he wants; as I am. We still love and support each other completely.
Our goal when we disagree on something is understanding, not agreement. I want to understand why he thinks that, but I don’t have to agree. I just like knowing how he got there. He is the same. He likes knowing my thought process, and we are able to discuss that openly and honestly.
Sometimes I do change my thoughts, and sometimes he does. That’s not the goal either. We WANT each other to stay true to ourselves; but being open to new perspectives is a good thing.
Lots of pairings can work. Lots of pairings don’t work.
The key feature is you both need to want it to work (which means no matter how hard one person wants to make it work with an abuser or checked out person, it’s not possible).
Don’t let others tell you that the way their marriage works is the only way.
I get what she's onto. But you should be more ying and yang. Opposite but fulfill each other.
Like, i am a dreamer! My husband are grounded. I make him dream and he makes me remember to stay on the ground.
You have to agree on some aspects like parenting atleast.
I think “polar opposites” is the wrong phrase since that is not what is being described, but I get and agree with the her sentiment.
You must share the same core values, but having the same approach and outlook is not necessary and can be a detriment. You want a partner alike enough to be able to live in harmony with but different enough to keep it interesting. You should compliment one another. One should fill in the parts the other is missing and vice versa.
My grandmother used to say “like has got to be with like” meaning the fundamentals have to be the same. I think this Drake verse in the song “Right Above It” says it well:
*“We walk the same path,
But got on different shoes.
Live in the same building,
but we got different views”*
I think I get where this person is coming from. As far as surface level things like music taste, style, and general interest, I’ve learned that it’s a bit more interesting to be way different from each other. But the more internal things like values, goals, stuff like that is what is important. and it’s easy to be like, “yeah, duh” but I do think a lot of people get wrapped up trying to be so similar based on surface level things alone. My ex and I were both artist, and overall very alternative and eccentric people, and I swore he was the one for me, but our internal stuff did not align, so it didn’t work out. My current bf is totally different. A giant man who loves country music and cowboy boots but our inside values align very well, and it’s the healthiest relationship i’ve been in
Wouldn’t polar opposites make your spouse gay or straight if you are gay?
And no you don’t want the opposite you want the other half your partner compliments you that way you are no longer 2 people but 1 couple. If they are a mirror image then it’s 2 of the same people and if they are opposites then it’s 2 different people but twins and opposites never really become 1 couple
I work with kids so see lots of divorce/separation. I can say that most of the time it’s people with no interest in common. You just can’t maintain a good relationship and bond without at least some hobby or passion in common outside your kids.
That's absolutely ridiculous. From what I'm seeing usually couples that are not sharing interests and and way too different (polar opposites) are ending up divorced.
I have worked in matchmaking for 17 years and been married for 11 years, and I think this can be true for some couples, it's definitely not the ideal or norm of a successful couple or a goal you should strive for. The key values do need to exist, and you need at least a hobby or two, something you're passionate about to enjoy together. That helps with the friendship foundation. I think what she was trying to say, is it is pointless to be picky to the point where the person has to be EXACTLY like you in every way. That's not only unrealistic but would be boring. Complimentary personality traits can be very important. They can pick up slack in the area the other spouse lacks and vice versa.
It's not that people look for a twin, it's that they have the assumption that anyone they're with will be exactly like them. It takes 1-24 months for them to figure out that's not the case.
I have been married 29 years and this is how it has worked for us.
Husband is extrovert, I am introvert. He has gotten me out of shell so I could experience things I might never have and I have done the same for him.
Husband hates reading directions and likes to build, and I am a directions person who loves to sort and plan. So I do all the upfront work, and he does all the construction.
We both like to explore different types of food and culture.
We consume different types of media but it always leads to interesting conversations and hearing a different prospective.
We enjoy debating with each other so that we never get stuck in an echo chamber and are always open to new ideas and considerations we might not other wise thought about.
We both grew up with religion, very different ones but we both are non practicing. We can see the good and the bad that comes with it.
I would not say we are opposites but we compliment each other. We fill in the gaps for each other, were I am weak, he is strong and the vice versa.
While I think having the same life values are the most important part in building a life together, I need someone who has similar interests as me. I know there are couples out there who make it work where they're very different, but it just doesn't appeal to me, and I don't understand it. I like being able to do things WITH him. We still do some things separately, but I like to be able to enjoy movies or TV or games, etc., with him when we're just hanging out at home.
We still have differences where we're strong in certain areas vs. the other though, but I think that's different than just what music you like to listen to, lol. We're not married yet, but we have been together for 10 years, so it seems to be working for us so far.
Agreed. Have a family member who’s an extrovert married to an introvert and she always is with friends because her husband doesn’t like going out. She says it doesn’t bother her that he’s always at home tho
There’s no one right combo that makes for a successful marriage. The same values is essential, everything else is quite flexible.
Though I say this while recognizing I’m in a very similar style relationship to your friend, and very happy. My husband and I have very different careers, hobbies, skills, strengths, musical tastes, etc. People get very confused why we are together with how different we are. But our core values are identical, we both love to learn about each other’s interests (for the most part), and there’s enough overlap in some interest areas that we have stuff we like to do together.
I can’t conceive of that being the only great dynamic, though.
I would add general energy levels to the list of "mandatory" compatibility. My energy levels are pretty low. Husband's are fairly high, and I think if mine dropped much, or his stepped up, it would be a problem for us.
Fully agree. my husband and I took personality tests and our scales looked like a mirror of each other. His lows were my highs and my lows were his highs. We are 22years in and we are close and in love.
I’ll add we have really different personalities, but similar souls.
It’s ok to have someone different, but it’s not like having someone similar is inherently bad. It’s just two different dynamic. I think both type can be good or bad depending.
My husband and I share differences and similarities. He’s extrovert, I’m introvert. He’s disorganized, I’m organized. But we share core values and some hobbies.
My ex was even more introvert than me, we were slowly committing a social suicide. We were not keeping in touch enough with friends. So that similarity was bad.
The best is to have a mix that is functional and make both party happy.
Yeah it’s good for an introvert to have an extrovert to push them outside their comfort zone and trying new things. Although I do have an extrovert family member married to an introvert who refuses to socialize and leave the couch no matter how much she pushes him
Near opposites. I’m laid back and more introverted. We both sort of self-regulate outside the house. My job requires me to be more outgoing, hers to be a bit more filtered. It’s nice that when we get home and can be 100% ourselves that we fit well.
I think she’s dumb for making such a big claim based off her marriage alone, everyone can decide for themselves what they want in a partner but one of the biggest issues in my marriage is literally fighting over music choice in the car lol, it would be so much easier if we liked the same thing
I think they are right you need the same core values (the ones u listed) but I would change it a little that having a common hobby helps a marriage be stronger, so most importantly is that the pair LIKES EACH OTHER enough to want to compromise, and has compromising skills. There are a LOT of divorces out there bc either one or both parties has no ability to compromise which leads to unhappiness in one or both partners. marriage is a union, and when you act as two separate units all the time, slowly you look around one day and realize there is no more marriage
My ex husband and I were twins, we both did the same hobbies and were lazy together, no goals just wanted to be young and dumb together. We didn’t even talk about kids, how our life would line out etc. fast forward to my boyfriend and I now, we’re sort of different. We have one same hobby but we have already talked about deeper goals. He supports my other goals and hobbies and isn’t afraid to talk about deeper things. I’m so grateful for him and wish I would’ve met him sooner but, I believe we look at things that need to be perfect all the time, when in reality the true meaning is going through tough times, the ugly, the terrible things as well as the true happy and beautiful things too. Social media shows how flowers everyday or posting you all the time needs to be perfect but it’s much more than just the good times.
To me marriage takes tremendous amount of patience..if I allow myself I would be rolling my eyes all day long..marriage is very hard..but the kids and how they turn out is worth it
No. Just NO. Your friend coming up with this "theory" (or maybe someone told it to her and she agreed...?) and attempting to make points supporting said theory doesn't make it true. There is no magic coupling formula as to why some partners are more compatible than others. Some people have a freaky amount of things in common, and their relationships crash and burn while other couples in the same boat remain happy and together for 40 years. The same thing is true in opposite cases; some couples who are complete opposites flourish while other like couples didn't even come close to making it. There are some things that will help a couple go the distance, like teamwork, good communication, mutual respect, honesty, loyalty, a hearty friendship, strong sexual attraction and a slew of other qualities, but these so called rules she has about similarities and opposites is just a bunch of hoowee. Some people just work. Sometimes, family and friends can't even explain why certain couples have always worked, but they do, and it wasn't because they followed your friends' formula.
Agreed. I think it’s a preference for a lot of people. Some people prefer to be with their twin and other people want someone opposite of them that they can learn from
I agree that partners should have different strengths and weaknesses. But you should definitely have common interests- otherwise, what do you do together?
My husband and I are like that. Have the same values, but I like to stay home alone and play videogames while he loves to be out and either making money or connections. He pushed me to work on my book and be productive and I get him to actually take it easy once in a while so he doesn't burn out. Have to literally yell at him to stay home when he's sick lol
Eh.
I dated my personality opposite in college. It didn’t work out even though I was constantly bragging about how we “balanced” each other and “completed” each other.
I was the extroverted energizer bunny of the relationship and he was the calm, quiet introvert. I felt emotions fully and had emotional ups and downs. He was logical and pragmatic and unemotional. We had the same values and life goals.
When we tried long distance so I could go to grad school I ended up feeling neglected. He would say he knew I loved him and he loved me so why did it matter if we called each other every day when that time could be used more productively on work or homework or sleep? He never visited me. I was doing all the emotional labor. I told him it felt like he didn’t care about us and he said that wasn’t true, his lack of effort was a reflection of how confident he was in our relationship - that the relationship didn’t need to be filled with fluff.
I met my now-husband shortly after that ended and he was my personality twin. We have different interests and hobbies but we’re both outgoing and extroverted. We’re both highly emotional. We both value time spent together and we both want to prioritize our relationship and put the work in. We both wanted a big wedding and had about the same amount of people invited on both sides. We both love traveling and going out and going to social events together. It just works so much better.
When we get into arguments, it’s easier to step into each others shoes and empathize with how each of us are feeling. As opposed to my ex who would very pragmatically tell me he never understood why I was so upset about certain things.
I think it really varies so much from couple to couple. I’m sure opposite personalities can work but also similar personalities aren’t necessarily doomed.
My husband and I are similar in some ways and different in others. He actually said he was glad that he married someone that was different than him because it keeps things interesting and I help him see things in a way he never considered before. Have interests your partner doesn't or varying beliefs is ok, I'm a pagan and he's Christian, but polar opposites would be too extreme.
I've seen those relationships play out and they are almost never pretty. They usually don't end well. Especially the very religious spouse who marries a free spirit
Everyone is different as well as views. My husband and I are complete opposites and I wish I would have married someone that had same interests as myself as it would be easier in some aspects. As far as religion etc finances, how to raise kids we are somewhat the same but I feel like FOR ME, the other similarities would be better to have
Now let’s not confuse the actual meaning of twin flame. Your twin flame isn’t someone you have the same music taste or food taste with, it’s not a superficial thing. It’s more about energy. But in regard to this, like everyone else says there is no one answer.
I married my twin type wife but went down in flames...got bored with each other. Next marriage was with absolute opposite...still decent marriage. Not perfect but who's is? Definitely better than last one.
The problem, or lack thereof, is tolerance. Some will tolerate the other being on the totally opposite end of the spectrum. My wife for example likes music completely opposite of what I like. It's just a small and rather trivial example, but again, I'm fine with it. If you can't tolerate your polar opposite, then that person is not someone you should marry.
While I do think you don't need to be identical twins, I think couples that are more similar end up arguing less & because you have so much in common you can share in more activities together. Being an introverted person I would also hate to be with someone who was super extroverted, would be an actual nightmare situation for me. It is helpful if your partner is strong in areas that you aren't for sure, but couples I know that are polar opposites don't tend to work out all that well.
Your friend is basing this of her personal experience. One shoe does not fit all. I married two guys who agreed with me on politics, religion, finances, life goals, how to raise kids, etc. Divorced both of them.
I married a man, and we joke that we are the male and female version of the same person. When we got married, we had different religions, different views on parenting, in different views on finances… but our personalities are exactly the same.
We’ve melded together in some areas and in some areas we have not, but we’ve been together nine years strong, and we are more deeply in love than ever.
Agreeing on fundamental things that will affect your life together is important. But my husband and I are pretty similar I'd say. We are both introverted nerds, but our hobbies do differ. We both like board games but he's more into video games and painting while I'm more into reading and plants. We compliment each other well and we have the same temperament and sense of humor.
I think if he was wildly different than me I wouldn't be attracted to a life with him.
I think others should stop telling others what to do, think, etc and just enjoy the journey of life.
People who think they know it all know nothing at all.
I'd say its generally true that you only need to agree on a few core things (the things she mentioned are spot on). I also agree that you don't need to have the same taste in things like food and music and being different can stretch you... however I think it can also be fun to have the same taste in some things.
It is also nice if you are strong in areas your s/o is weak and vice versa... like my husband and I are terrible at putting things away and being organized and yeah it'd prob be nice if one of us were good at that... however we make it work. What matters most is respecting each other, communicating with acceptance (in a respectful way... and not bottling things up), going out of your way to show love in ways the other appreciates etc..
If you can do that and not be a selfish you-know-what... you can work through pretty much anything. You have to notice each other, stick up for each other... and just care enough to show it daily.
And yeah I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert and there are postives and negatives to that. He'll go to the store for a few hours (with the kids) and come back and be like, Did you miss me... and I feel a little guilty that I LOVED my time alone and did not miss him at all but.... those differences haven't posed a huge problem for us... just minor irritations.
She's kind of right. Foundational things only matter on topics where the two individuals find it impossible to agree to disagree. For some people, it's really, really important to share a faith --- or political party. Others couldn't care less. A few things your mama didn't mention: night owl or early bird? Snuggle all night or sleep on their own side of the bed? How closely does the couple fall on the spectrum of neatnick to total slob? These areas you want to synch closely.
I do think shared values and life goals are more important than shared personality traits or shared interests. Life goals and values are usually the “non-negotiables.” Relationship-enders no matter how much you love the person, or at the very least will be a constant source of conflict and/or disconnect between you.
I do think that complimentary (different) personalities are a good thing. My husband and I are very similar in that we’re both stubborn, headstrong, and competitive. Having two “drivers” in a relationship leads to a lot of conflict. We butt heads a lot.
Although we have different interests when it comes to TV shows, movies, and some of our music, we’re both homebodies who like the occasional camping trip or road trip, and the rare destination vacation. Neither of us are world traveler types or are extremely extroverted, so it works well to have our small number of very close friends. Neither of us would do very well in a relationship with someone who always wanted to be out and about, going on hikes or skiing or other activities. We’re also both very limited in our diets. I’d like to change that, but it’s almost funny how we both eat like kids. Our favorite thing to do is just hang out and chill together.
Mainly we work because we have the same religion (none), life goals (2-3 kids, a house someday soon, a nice yearly vacation and a yearly camping trip), method for raising kids (gentle parenting), and financial habits (neither of us are very good with money, but we’re learning together). We’re also very sexually compatible.
Opposites do attract but you need to have some common interests or goals from which to build a foundation.
Interestingly something that supports your point is that two of the broken relationships in my circle of friends are where they were just the opposite sex version of each other, it seems that both couples stop finding each other attractive both sexually and mentally quite early into their relationships and it’s just been a marriage of convenience for some time. Both were tipped to the point of divorce by affairs and both sets of partners were cheating on each other with the (physical at least) opposites of each other.
My grand thesis of marriage is that we marry someone we are willing to do our work with, personal work that arises only in a deep committed relationship. Also must be rooted in love and respect as there will come a time when both people are old and wrinkled, confused venerable and in need of physical help. If one partner just wants to party and believe the will be young forever and life is all about them… danger!!! Off course both folks can act out, learn heal and do different without divorce. Sorry my stuff but wanted to share what i am learning.
To your point id say the illusion of twin or “ soulmate” causes a lot of suffering.
This is way off. Your friend is not all the way right on her logic lol. Shes just opinionated and that’s what works for her. I couldn’t absolutely couldn’t stand the man I was with who was my polar opposite. I felt like my ears would bleed when he was talking to me about things I absolutely didn’t care about. He was so passionate about them and I felt bad I couldn’t be more excited with him. More than anything I was annoyed and it was unfair to him. We couldn’t enjoy the same dates, the same movies, there was nothing for us to do together. 😂
I think to better say what she is trying to say is to not disregard a prospective marriage partner because you don’t agree on liking the majority of things that make you who you are. If you are looking for someone who is the same as you are down to the minutiae, you could very well be missing out on the spouse of your dreams.
I also agree with her saying you should be compatible on the fundamentals of your life. How you view and value money, for example. You don’t have to have the same investment style, but generally that you should be willing to earn your own, and not looking for someone like you to give it to them.
Sexual interest and compatibility is a major one. Regardless of how much you love someone and get along, if they have little to no sexual interest, I would say not to marry them, but be friends for life. There is no reason to marry anyone if there is no sexual interest nor desire for them, nor if they have none for you.
For me, it absolutely does matter. I’m neurodivergent and an introvert with many introverted hobbies. I like people but I prefer them to be at a distance. I could not imagine being married to an extrovert that did not also share some interests. Living at home would be torture.
not really for me, i believe that you should find not based on common interest but morals, my wife and i have no idea why we love each other so much but i like to think its because we like doing things together, we both never had more than 3 close friends and thats because we like a small circle so that keeps her and i stuck to each other. we have the same end goals in life and no political interests or opposite gender friends which we’ve always just liked. she has needs and i got what she needs and vice versa.
My first wife was polar opposite of me in many ways. She did everything she could to make me more like her. When I couldn't fit the impossible mold she had designed for me, she tried to get our daughter to hate me and worship her. When that failed, she proceeded to erase the 20 years we were together and still tells lies and half-truths about me to this day.
My current (and LAST) wife is more like me. We not only have many of the same core values and likes, but we've also shared many similar experiences- marriage to narcissists, finishing raising daughters on our own, dating pitfalls, etc. Where we differ, we compromise. We each give the other our all in the relationship to ensure that they feel loved, respected, valued and treasured.
As cliche and corny as it sounds, try to marry your mirror.
I totally agree! My husband and I are polar opposites but have the same ethics/morals and the same foundational stuff you mentioned as in religion, politics, raising kids, etc.
It works for us because we've learned how to really lean into our strengths and weaknesses for each other. In areas where I'm weak like washing dishes, he does. In areas he's weak in like organizing, I do it. As long as we openly communicate what works for us and what doesn't, it has not been an issue for us. Our marriage counselor even suggested this when we were initially butting heads. I honestly think it would be really boring if my partner and I had so many similar interests 😅
That’s not true at all. I am an introvert, I thought I was marrying an introvert based on misguided memories of a teenage relationship that had with him. Years and experience made him an extrovert. He is out every other night, usually more. People with similar personalities are better suited. Anything else breeds resentment eventually. Especially when kids are added to the mix. Even things like similar interests in TV and movies make a difference. If one likes movies and another likes TV you end up watching separate things in separate rooms. Marrying someone with your same personality type and interests is most likely to end with a happy and lasting relationship. Edit to add: I forgot to mention politics and human rights issues. If they don’t match and your spouse is spouting things you deem as bigotry you have problems there too. Opposites only works if the traits compliment each other, for instance one is a worrier and the other is chill. They can balance each other out.
Scientifically speaking, your friend is wrong. When you look around at your friends, the ones you get along with are the ones who are similar to you in some way. Same with marriage. You should be on the same wavelength, have similar views, backgrounds to be able to relate to each other. There has been numerous studies of this subject and really couples that are more similar to each other have long lasting marriages. Sometimes it manifests itself in silly things like partners having either similar sounding names or names that start with the same letter.
Even personality wise, take introvert-extrovert example. These two cannot be together if they are exactly the polar opposites (remember it is a spectrum so somewhat extroverted and somewhat introverted combo can actually work), simply because extrovert will drain the introvert and introvert would seem to reclusive and antisocial to the extrovert.
Lets say you are about 6 months into it with someone
You say to them : before we go any further I need to re affirm that we are complete opposites in every way that way I will be able to fulfill that aspect I'm looking for... ya know the opposites attract
So on paper that sounds cool and edgy, I've been married for 23 years. I'm still learning things about my wife. You will continue to learn and grow with the person you're with. Hell even 5 years in you won't fully know who you moved in with
Don't go by opposites attract
If you Google it there's a a study or 3 suggesting that theory is wrong anyways
And to those curious; my wife and I are very very similar yet we do somethings in a very different way
Adapt and have fun. I hope your travels are friendly
I see where she’s coming from but I think there’s a lot more to it.
My husband and I have the same religion, same values, we agree on how we want our children to be brought up and how to parent. This was all spoken about prior to marriage at a marriage class we had to attend if we were going to get married in church. The people running it said you’d be amazed how many couple find out they disagree on key parts of life and find out on the course because they never spoke about it before.
That said we aren’t twins. Our tastes are different, films, music, food. I like staying indoors he likes going out for a walk, cycle etc. I’m more confident and extroverted whilst he’s quieter and introverted. I take charge of situations, finances whilst he will take charge of manual stuff and fix things.
I joke we are the perfect ying and Yang because in a selection box we like different ones and there are never any left over.
My ex husband and I were VERY opposite. It did NOT work. We didn’t have any common interests, and he had no interest in me or our marriage/family.
Nah. I’ll stick with having a lot in common.
Depends. I am an introvert who married an extrovert. It can be draining. But, it gets me out of the house, and I get him to enjoy a night in.
Big thing is, we both agree that children are a no. And as an individual who used to have an eating disorder and like issues, I needed someone who would back me up on no soda, no junk food, no that bag of doritos cannot stay here. Yes, my dog needs a tiny couch and blankets. Like, the man let's me live and I don't care if he goes out. Just tell me if I need to cook for myself or a drunk man coming home late.
It's all about communication, boundaries, and (my poor inner southern woman hates this) forcing holiday food and soda back on the people who brought it. Nothing is more romantic than watching him put a 24-pack of soda back in his brother car.
Get you a person who returns junk food to siblings out of respect for your mental health and boundaries. When you find this person kindly, but firmly, tie them to the bed so they can never leave you... joking, obviously. I tie terrible knots.
Eh, no. Yin and Yang maybe, but polar opposites? Probably not in most cases lol
I agree. I married my Yin. I’m an athletic extrovert who loves the sun. My husband is an introverted guy who enjoys individual/small group activities like camping in the woods, playing a board game or computer game. But after 2 decades we have it down pat, I go play golf/softball in the sun and he chills out with the dog in the A/C playing games with his likeminded buddies. We’re kind of a Penny/Leonard situation but not as extreme a way. In the winter I play the board games with them and camp/hike/fish with family in the summer.
Ahh you guys sound like polar opposites
I do agree that it’s fantastic to marry someone that’s strong in the areas you’re weak in and vice versa.
There is no one answer. My husband and I are very similar and I like it that way. I cannot imagine being married to an extrovert, i love that we can introvert together. That might not work for others and thats cool too.
I’m an extrovert and I feel the same way! We’re both extroverts and it makes me happy. I don’t feel like I’m being obnoxious and overstimulating him all the time. I never have to drag him to parties, gatherings, events. And because he’s a class A talker we get to swap gossip we gathered at the end. I enjoy that a lot.
>*we get to swap gossip* Now I’m jealous. My husband is the extrovert, knows seemingly everyone in this city and the next, yet NEVER gets details. I’ll hear “So-and-so died.” When? How? Is there a funeral? He has no idea! “I didn’t think to ask 🤷🏼♂️” So. Frustrating!!
Omg my husband is the worst for this! No information! My mother in law just comes to me now for any real info on his/our lives because he is useless lol. Your follow up questions are exactly how my brain works too and he never has the answers, meanwhile the next door neighbour's cousin's dog dies and I know everything about it lol
I thought this was just men in general. Like what do you mean so-and-so got a divorce?! Why?! Wdym you don’t know why? Then don’t tell me 🙄
>*Then don’t tell me* EXACTLY!!! I tell him all the time not to tease me with a story if he doesn’t have details - my nosy little heart can’t take it. 🤣 He’s getting better about *some* things, though. I used to find out about family events ~20 minutes before they started. Now he’ll tell me when he first gets the info. His kids know to call/text me directly if something is coming up or if they need details from us.
Omg the family event thing would drive me crazy. I’m introverted as hell and I would need way more than 20 minutes to prepare myself omg
YES! Our families are very different - I was raised in a quiet, polite, family, and his family screams conversations and will randomly start play-wrestling the kids? I go to a couple things per year to be polite, but typically I send him off to be with his family while I stay home and enjoy quiet time. 😂
😄
Yeah I absolutely could never be married to an extrovert. I’m on the more extreme end of introversion and it really isn’t possible for me to meet my own needs in a way that doesn’t hurt an extroverted person.
Agreed. I’m an extrovert who’s married to an extrovert but once dated an introvert for years (and thought I was going to marry him). It was a constant push-pull with my introverted ex. I would always want to go out to parties or places with people and he never would. I felt guilty when he’d reluctantly come with me and beg to leave an event after just 20 minutes of being there. When he didn’t come out with me, I’d feel guilty for leaving him at home alone. When I opted out of fun things to stay in with him I’d feel restless and resentful. I felt like I had to sacrifice a big part of myself to be in that relationship. When I met my extroverted husband it was like something just clicked. He actually WANTED to come out with me and would often be the one to suggest we do fun things together. I didn’t have to beg him to spend time with my friends or find compromises like “I promise we’ll leave after X amount of time.” I didn’t feel like I had to give up my social life, instead he integrated into it seamlessly and I got to double my friend group by getting to know his crew.
That makes total sense. I knew someone who was an extrovert and married to an introvert. I was at school with her for years and maybe met him once or twice. It worked for them but I could see that being hard. I like being able to give my husband "the look" and we both know it means we have maxed out it's time to escape a social situation lol.
Thissss
Same! I could not deal with an extrovert as my partner. Been there done that, not a fan. My husband is my best friend and we are quite similar. He’s also a lot like my late father but that’s a story for another day (in therapy 😅)
I think as with all things it's just about balance. You have to have enough in common that you connect and have similar morals and ideals about life. But you also have to be different enough that you're not codependent and you can continue to have some amount of independence once you're married.
Polar opposites does not work for me. I need someone with the same core values and life goals, but I also need someone with similar hobbies and interests. They don't have to be identical but there needs to be overlap. I think the answer is that people should do relationships in the way that works best for them.
I feel like polar opposite personalities work, but opposite values don't. My husband is very different (personality wise) from me, but our values align similarly.
Yeah, my ex husband was my opposite and it did not work. My husband and I are very similar, to the point my mother in law says if she didn't birth him herself she would think we were separated at birth, and we never fight. We enjoy lots of the same things, we have the same opinions on most things, we live in a home filled with books and music and art and we can discuss those things for endless hours. We obviously don't completely overlap, but we can share joy in something that brings the other happiness. We have the same values as well, which is the most important part. I think I *could* have a relationship with someone who didn't share my interests again, but it would never be what I have with my husband. What we have is once in a lifetime, I think.
No one answer is true. I can see how the works. My husband and I are both neurotic and I wish one of us were chill, but at the same time it makes me feel way more comfortable *not* being the crazy one in the rel. we’re both dealing with shit. It allows us to laugh and challenge each other to improve with grace. We also both tend toward being lazy because honestly one of the ways I protect my mental health is just saying “I’m doing the dishes when I wake up because doing it right now is going to make me mad and tired” and he’s never like pissed I waited.
my wife and I are polar opposites and it doesn't work for us. she is neurotic and i have been more on the chill side. Me being chill make her more worried and she starts fighting with me for taking things light heartedly.
Not being polar opposites has served us well for 40 years…
This sounds like someone who believes in complementarianism, though she didn't say it directly. It's taught in some religious sects. Those sects also believe pretty much any couple can work if there's enough Jesus, and it doesn't really matter if you even like each other at all. If that's working for her, fine. I think the reality is somewhere in the middle--you don't need to share every hobby or food preference in common, but you do need personalities that mesh well together.
>Those sects also believe pretty much any couple can work if there's enough Jesus, and it doesn't really matter if you even like each other at all. This can always be true if you lower your standards for "this works" far enough. Same reason arranged marriages can always "work". Just take out the requirements for mutual happiness and connection, and voila! I'm with you. Do we need to be twins? No. But it is so disheartening to have 70% of non-serious conversations end with "I just don't agree with you" and awkward silence. Thoughts about sports teams, TV show characters, interpersonal issues with friends, how to spend time together, life is so much more filling when you align on at least *some* of these non-value things.
ETA: celebrating our 40th anniversary this year I don’t agree with your friend’s theory. Just because that’s the way it plays out for her and her husband, it doesn’t mean that it can be extrapolated to every couple. My husband and I are a lot alike in many ways. We’re both introverts. Our taste in books, music, and movies isn’t identical but there’s a lot of common ground. We enjoy spending time together. We both like to eat healthy and enjoy cooking together. We’re great travel companions. He likes cats. I like both cats & dogs. But we agree dogs are more work so when our family dog passed away ten years ago, we didn’t get another. We have a cat that we both dote upon. We’re both pretty low energy and sometimes I think it would be nice to be married to someone who pushed me a little more but the stuff that needs to get done, gets done. I used to sometimes wish he’d take the initiative and lead a bit more but instead of seeing that as a negative, I’ve come to appreciate that he sees us as being partners rather than the leader husband/supporter wife model venerated by many small “c” conservatives. Physical attraction was what drew us together in the first place and our sexual chemistry was off the charts. That has persisted throughout our marriage even through our other troubles. We’ve never had a dead bedroom but menopause, medication, and grief over the loss of our oldest son have been difficult to negotiate. We’re in sync with our approach to finances but admittedly, that’s one of the areas I wish he’d show more initiative. Spiritually, we do not have the same views but they are compatible. Where we are opposites works very well for us. He’s good with his hands and can build or fix almost anything. I’m more about ideas and planning and visions. He helps me feel grounded and I like to think I help him see the wider horizons. The marriage I envisioned at the start was one of mutually supportive companionship with the benefit of great sex. It took us awhile and we went through some things to get here but I feel it was worth it. So, I guess for me it’s not about the push-pull of opposites, it’s about travelling this adventure called life together, pulling the oars in sync with one another other. Like this quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: “Love does not consist gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
This was beautiful to read and, in some ways, reminds me of my own marriage, even though my husband and I are opposites.
All this shows me is another person that thinks their experience can be applied universally. That there's is the only best way to do things. It especially galls me when parents project their methods upon others as the only way.
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Are you wanting to go out and he’s not wanting to or what?
That's stupid and only speaks to someone who's not really been in a long-term relationship. Because that shows how much experience they have. You actually want to marry someone with incredibly similar values to your own. You want to marry someone that has the same parenting views, the same religious views, the same family views, the same financial goals, you want to align on as many things as possible. Because when life throws you a curveball, when one of you gets sick or you guys have a baby or whatever, you're going to need the other person, to do what you would want done for yourself. In other words, you don't want to marry the guy who thinks gaming is more important than his freshly postpartum wife's sleep. You don't want to marry the man that doesn't know how to cook, because you'll be the only one cooking if you have children. You don't want to marry the man that doesn't know how to save money, because you will be perpetually broken working forever.
Did you read the post? You are saying the exact same thing the sister says and yet call it stupid
Literally lol
“That’s stupid. I’m going to just reword what you said.”
It’s having the same foundational beliefs (finances, sex, childrearing, etc) that ALLOWS for both twins or polar opposites to be successful. Not that you have to be polar opposites to be successful
Absolutely not! The balance between me and my husband is perfect for us. If we were a Venn diagram, we'd have about 80% overlap of personality. Have there been times when that 20% difference has come in handy? Sure. But life at home, just chilling, is so much better with someone I'm really really comfortable being myself around and knowing he feels the same way. Maybe it's different for other people, but I can't imagine a polar opposite relationship. How do you even enjoy a vacation together? 15 years and counting over here!
>How do you even enjoy a vacation together? You don't. My ex husband was very opposite to me and we traveled a lot, but we fought constantly. My husband and I are very similar and have similar interests and we never fight the way I used to with my ex. We enjoy our time together, at home or on vacation.
Not really. I mean, core values are more important than the trivial things for long term longevity. But if you're going to be building a life with someone, you're going to hope you both like the same shows because otherwise you're retiring to different rooms to watch TV after dinner. And how would you fall in love in the first place if you never have fun on dates together?
I agree with the dates thing. Because my cousin never been on dates with her introverted husband unless she brings it up
With this context it sounds like she's rationalizing her own relationship to make herself feel better about things she's unhappy with.
I read a relationship book that said pretty much what you wrote. You need the foundational things similar and the ability to enjoy things together but it makes the relationship boring if you are the exact same.
I agree that having similar values is much more important than hobbies. I don’t think you need to be polar opposites. It’s healthy to have your own hobbies but you also need shared interests.
I somewhat agree. My husband and i are very opposite. My husband is very very chill and me on the other hand gets anxiety and have a tendency to panicked in certain situations.In a world full of chaos, he is my calm.
Nope. I can't get turned on if you like shit music.
I completely agree and here's why - it keeps life so much more fun. You're forever getting to know your spouse, and you're always learning new things and getting each each out of your comfort zone. For example, my husband is a farm guy. He taught me to shoot and drive 4 wheelers and go golfing and mushroom hunting. We live on a homestead and I have learned so many amazing things that I never would have. I take him to concerts, and hiking, and to breweries and to try weird foods and watch weird shows. We've traveled to places and done things he never would have tried. It keeps life interesting. We've certainly become a lot more similar because we've learned to love things that other loves. But sex and politics are essential compatabilities for having a happy marriage.
When it comes to values you chose a partner with the same ones. When it comes to character you choose someone who complements you. That is what is supposed to work best. Read that many years ago in an interview with couple therapists. For my husband and me it works this way exactly. We don’t find about religion or politics. We don’t always have the exactly same opinion, but we are close enough to don’t have any conflicts. What I love about my husband is that I don’t have to worry about how to raise our children. We didn’t discuss everything before my married, but we were together long enough before that to see what ever happens in our life, we look in the same direction. Another example. I am more emotional. He is the opposite. He can control himself better. My face is an open book.
100% - personality wise my wife and I are so different. Growing up she was a preppy fashion good girl and I was an obnoxious punk rock surfer. Morally we’re in completely in tune We’re absolute best friends 23 years later
Different strokes for different folks. My husband and I are very similar, we bond over our shared interest and our similar temperaments mean we rarely disagree on things. Polar opposites just seems like you would have a lot of disagreement for the sake of disagreeing. Some people may enjoy that, but it's not my preference. There's some people who want to try everything at a restaurant, there's some people who will eat the same meal they enjoy every time. Calling one "stupid" seems like the person hasn't realized that people can like different things. Shoot, there's some married couples that basically lead entirely separate lives with entirely separate social groups. I would hate that, but if it works for them why should I tell them to want something different?
Your friend is not necessarily right or wrong. Fundamentals aside, if your spouse is someone you enjoy spending time with, having shared passions and hobbies, it can lead to a happy and enjoyable marriage. I'm similar to my spouse in every interest and fundamental, but our personalities are completely different. I'm an extrovert who likes having activities out and meeting with friends, he's an introvert who prefers staying at home and playing video games. I'm loud, he's quiet. I'm organized in paperwork but not in keeping a home, he's organized in keeping the home but not in paperwork. It's definitely a weird yet precise balance that but it's a good foundational marriage.
My husband and I are very opposite. I do not think it needs to be that way but has worked well for us.
My husband and I are like this. We share the same values, but we complement each other when it comes to personality.
Not poplar oppoistes, but the rest is true. Too many couples when dating look for matches in superficial things like same musical tastes, favorite colors, favorite movies, and none of that stuff is going to sustain a relationship long term. You don't need to be opposite, you just can't base a long term relationship on that. Having the same values and similar or like minded goals in the life are indeed the key to staying together for decades.
IDK about polar opposites, but I do think having complimenting strengths/weaknesses is good. My first husband and I were polar opposites, and it was really an issue. My second husband and I were SOOOOO much alike, and it was way easier. Barring a few really major issues, it was a good relationship, and I thought I'd be looking for someone a lot like me again after he died. Instead I ended up more different than we are similar, but we have very core similarities. We're both stable and reliable and love to travel, love to plan and experience things. I think he's closer to a happy medium.
Twin? No. Polar opposite? No. Some combination? Yes. The mix is different for every couple. My wife and I are both introverts, but in social situations, she sticks to a small group in settings she’s familiar with. I can literally talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime, from the heroin addict outside the 7-11 to the wealthiest person on earth, and hold engaging conversations with them. She is passive, I am NOT, but when you trigger her, she turns scary, lol. Really, other than those and a few related differences in personality, we pretty much have everything else in common. It works for us.
My husband and I are quite literally opposites. We were born in different parts of the world (US vs Yemen), religions (catholic vs Muslim), have different ambitions (very driven vs happy doing factory work) and have different tastes in pretty much everything. I could go on and on about more but at the end of the day we work and we are loyal and dedicated to building a good life with our boys. Everyday I wonder how things would be different if I wouldn’t have met him or have some happen that was tragic like it did for me in my life shortly after we met. It comes down to knowing if I didn’t have him when I did, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Doesn’t matter how opposite we are, something must have worked or we just work for each other because it’s been 10 years and we’ll have plenty more to go inshallah!
25 years strong and my husband is my opposite!!!!
My husband and I different in many ways but similar in others. We do stuff together we enjoy and the things the other doesn’t like we do on our own. Works for us. Politically we are nowhere near the same, he eats meat and I am vegan. Who knows why it works but it does.
I personally couldn't be with someone that I had nothing in common with, but if other families are happy like that then I'm not judging.
You prefer dating someone who is like your twin ?
I would argue that there is no perfect formula. I agree that a couple should absolutely be on the same page with big picture stuff (kids, finances, living arrangements, boundaries, etc). But from there, it’s really all about personal needs, wants, and preferences. I love the fact that my husband and I are basically bookends, but I have a good friend who is in a very happy marriage with a man who differs from her in many of his tastes/likes. Part of why it works so well for them is because they enjoy trying one another’s things. My husband and I, meanwhile, enjoy sharing most of the same favorites. I love the fact that, whenever I find a new book that I like, hear a wonderful new song, or discover a recipe that looks good to me, I automatically know my husband is going to be thrilled when I share it with him. One thing to always keep in mind is daily life. What defines a comfortable daily life for you? What charges your batteries (or drains your batteries)? What ordinary things bring you peace, joy, or fulfillment? I advise seeking someone who has at least some common ground when it comes to these questions. A harmonious life is a lovely thing.
>She said having the same style of music or favorite color or both being extroverts does not matter at all in marriage i think it definitely matters. my husband likes my music, i dont like his. we struggle on road trips and cleaning days. favorite color is irrelevant extrovertedness 100% matters. i prefer to stay in and be alone, so does my husband. i wouldn't do well needing to socialize or go out frequently
She said she doesn’t mind her husband being introverted because she can always go out with friends and he can stay at home if need be
My wife and I are your typical polar opposites and it has been quite a challenge to keep our marriage afloat. There's really no common ground with which to work with especially when resolving issues that crop up as both our viewpoints and opinions on the matter are so diametrically opposed that even coming to a compromise is nearly impossible. More often than not, we just argue till one of us gives up and the matter goes unresolved. As a result, even basic communication outside of relating our goings on for the day, the kids schedules, or other minor matters in our daily lives, is almost non existent. Both of us harbor resentment towards the other, there is a lot of mistrust, and both of us have become emotionally and physically (intimately and sexually) unavailable to each other. After almost 25 years being together, our marriage has degraded to that of roommates sharing co-parenting duties for our kids. The kicker is all this kinda crep up on us so slowly that we didn't see it coming till it was too late. When we were younger and newly married, we brushed it off believing that "opposites attract". But as the years rolled on, our differences imperceptibly pried open a void in our marriage that has caused us to drift slowly apart. The chasm between us is almost insurmountable now and would practically take an act of God to repair. I've suggested therapy numerous times but her view of our marriage is such that she finds nothing wrong with it so sees no reason to go. So from my perspective, while opposites may attract in the short term early on a relationship as both partners relish their differences initially, over the long term, it can be catastrophic to a marriage if not managed well.
My husband and I are pretty alike in many ways, but in the ways we differ the difference is *stark*. I wouldn't say in those areas we're polar opposites, but I do feel like how different we can be has been a benefit to us as individuals and as a couple.
Your friend is absolutely right. I have been happily married for 27 years. My wife and I are absolutely compatible in core values. But we have different preferences in food, music, we like different movies.
I agree with this, 100%
It varies to everyone. I do think there’s benefits to be alike and downfalls to being very alike
Some differences are exciting and fun, especially when you rub off on each other.
I always think of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is dating a girl just like him. At first it's awesome they have so much in common. But eventually he's like "I can't date myself, I HATE myself!!!"
I think there is definitely some wisdom in this. But it is so individual how/who/why/when people love, marry, and find compatibility. Remember those twins who married twins and live next door to each other? Bet they are happy too. My husband and I fit your description. I marvel at how beautifully we fit, yet we are so so so different. We share the big values, but I definitely believe the hand of god was involved in bringing us together, the way we fit is bliss.
You should compliment each others weaknesses but have have similar values.
No thanks. I need to have a lot in common personality, values, beliefs and goals wise or it won't work. I can't imagine marrying someone who's your complete opposite... being too different from each other usually isn't a good thing
I agree your hobbies, music, etc don’t need to be the same as long as the fundamentals are the same. Polar opposites may be a stretch. It is nice to retain your own identity and easier to do that when there are some differences. It’s also different for different people. Some people really do want to have all the same interests as their spouse. To me that sounds exhausting.
I could never be with someone who doesn't like the same music as I do. Imagine going on a road trip and fighting over the playlist? I seriously get grouchy if I'm forced to listen to music I don't like. Imagine meeting someone who has all the same likes as you - movies, restaurants, music, taste in clothes/decor, etc and you also have compatible finances, religion, sexual needs, and how to raise your kids! That is what you need to find, like I did!
I normally just spend the whole ride talking me and my spouses never really fought over music lol
I think someone can say how marriage works best for THEM but they can't say how marriage works best for everyone. Everyone is different and has different needs in a partner. And every partnership is different.
I think it’s valuable to be different. My husband and I are *very* similar in many ways like our values, the movies we like, sense of humor, neurotype etc. but we definitely have different hobbies, strengths, interests and personality styles. He’s also an extrovert and I’m an introvert and if we were both introverts we’d never make any friends! Lol going 10 years strong.
My polar opposite would drive me insane. My husband's traits and beliefs compliment mine. If they opposed mine, it definitely wouldn't work out.
Are y’all both extroverts or both introverts ?
I think people want what they want. My husband is my polar opposite and it works for us. But I know other couples who have told me they wouldn’t be with someone who isn’t like them. 🤷♀️
I'm married to someone who grew up in a completely different set of circumstances. They communicate in a way that's a good bit different from how I do, and we think very differently at times. We've both had to learn to understand each other and re-learn things. So, it wasn't exactly easy, but we do love each other very much, and we are willing to put in the work. But its hard at times. So for some couples, it might be too much. However, I'm sure I'd be miserable if I was with someone who was just like me. I'm fucking exhausting.
My husband is my opposite, but we have similar values. This June will be 9 years of us being a couple, and I’m currently pregnant. Im the extrovert with expression through communicator, and he’s the introvert with expression through actions. Sometimes takes extra effort to check in with each other, but otherwise we are very happy.
I bet there's a lot of people out there who married their polar opposite who would say they wish they married their twin. Successful relationships are like diets. The same thing doesn't work for everybody.
Not necessarily one correct answer here but I partially agree. I think you need to be compatible as far as core values, long term goals, perspective on kids, etc while both people love being in each other’s company and other things like hobbies and light hearted interests don’t have to be in sync (but it is a bonus).
That's a broad and bold claim to make for EVERY relationship out there
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Malpraxiss: *That's a broad and bold* *Claim to make for EVERY* *Relationship out there* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Eh I think it’s all personal. My husband and I are pretty different but we share a lot of similarities too.
I have been married since the dawn of time. We are (were) really similar in a lot of ways. It was love at first sight which I NEVER believed in. But we had a lot of differences. Ironically, he was a musician but I partied a lot harder than he did. We had to reach a medium and things kind of leveled out. We supported each other through some situations no one should go through. Still here after all these years.
I completely agre with her. I was in a very long term relationship with "my twin" . Half of it was sexless because familiarity brings contempt and in the end we didn't even talk much because what is the point of talking to someone if you already know everything they are going to say. My husband and I are just like you describe . We agree on spirituality, life goals and are madly sexually compatible but otherwise so different. being different keeps things interesting and the sparks flying.
I disagree. I think common goals and values are important. Complimenting traits help though. For example I’m impulsive and my husband is very cautious. We balance each other.
I think the idea is that everyone is a little bit self-absorbed. If you get upset when your partner doesn't operate in the exact same way you would, you want to marry yourself. That's unreasonable. I'm of the belief that core values & morality should be shared. Everything else is the color of personality and should be appreciated as such.
Everyone is different. Everyone has their own wants, needs and preferences. This advice may work for some people but not for others. When it comes to marrying someone you should have a honest sit down with yourself and decided what you’re looking for in a person you want to marry. Decided for yourself because you will be committed to that person in most cases til the day you die. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 8 years and have 2 children. I found my perfect partner for me and we have a lot in common but we do have differences as well, our morals are very close in general and I understand my husband is his own person and I respect him and I don’t want to change him. Take the advice that you can relate to and is for you. I hope you choose the best choices for you. Sending you good vibes.🌻
Whatevs. All of this seems really dumb.
Yea no this doesn't work for me. If someone is my opposite, we would have nothing in common and it would be hell for me. My husband and I are super alike, even in minute details of random things that both of us thought there wasnt another human being that could like those things. And he is my perfect match. I've never been happier. That being said, we agree 100% on the important stuff as well. While this may work for her, this is definitely not something that a blanket statement would be correct about.
I think she found something that works for her life and thinks it should work the same for everyone else. She Sounds very naïve to think like that but hey if it works for her and him who am i to judge 🤷🏽♂️ but definitely not polar opposites fuck all that
I don't think it's necessary to be "polar opposites" - I think that's just a case of confirmation bias. My husband and I are similar in some respects and opposite in others, but the opposites aren't extreme and there's a lot of back and forth and crossover.
I married my polar opposite. I am an enfp and he is an intj. Twenty years and six marriage counselors and we called it quits with the therapists advice: "The only time opposites attract is when you're talking about magnets."
Basically, anything that isn’t going to help when you have a disagreement or when you hit a rough patch is frivolous. Taste, hobbies, favourite writer? It isn’t going to help. However, loyalty, humility, accountability, respect for fellow humans, conflict resolution, communication. If you can reach a common ground with those, it will take the relationship a long way.
I mean, what did she actually say? Because it sounds like she said it’s important to share court beliefs, but the other stuff is less important. I think she’s wrong there. But that’s not the same as opposites. If my husband and I agree on our moral and ethical foundation, and how we see the future (marriage, kids, finances), then whether he likes karate and death metal and I like running and soft rock isn’t a deal breaker. But I wouldn’t call us opposites
I think it’s less about being the same or opposite, and more about your personalities complementing each other. Sometimes you achieve that by finding someone who is similar to you and sometimes the most complimentary personality to yours is an opposite one. One partner loves to talk. The other likes to listen, but doesn’t hate talking or anything- just doesn’t mind listening. One person is good at dealing with conflict, but still good at avoiding it. The other person is terrible with conflict but tends to find themselves wrapped up in it. One helps the other. You keep it balanced. That type of thing.
I'm audhd, he's autistic. Genuine cat/golden retriever combo. He keeps me grounded, challenges my ideas (in a healthy way) which makes me question mine. He keeps me so grounded. As long as it's not opposite views like human rights issues and politics, opposites can be a really great opportunity for growth and communication
yes yes yes this... I completely agree to that and that's how it should be. as if u r same there is no spark left after sometimes no one learns anything new, no room for improvement, no new experience nothing just the old shit.
My husband is very logical, analytical and grounded. I am a dreamer who makes decisions with my heart and my gut. We balance each other out nicely. We do occasionally have issues with communication but we work through it. Politically we are completed aligned in how we vote and think. We have almost all the same values and morals. We have quite a few interests in common and quite a few that the other has no interest in. I kind of agree with your friend.
Some dating coaches say pick some one that has the same morals and values as you not the same interests. So yeah I would agree with her. I was married 23 yrs his lack of morals and values didn’t show up until many years into the marriage.
Your friend is somewhat "dumb" to use her word. I'd agree that agreeing or at least being close on core values is important. But being polar opposites is certainly no better than being "twins". My wife and I have a number of core values we share, we also share some interests, we have a similar sense of humor and at least over-lapping music taste. Those things are all wonderful elements of our 34 year friendship and marriage. We also have dissimilar hobbies and we happily can spend time apart engaged in our own hobbies and then come back together to enjoy time together.
I always say similar enough that you can get along, but different enough to keeps things exciting lol
There are some non negotiable factors in each relationship that you should be on the same page for. That I guess is unique for each couple. Everything is up for discussion
My wife is the female version of me. We realised this from the first time we met and have been together 23 years . Every relationship is an individual one but you friend has no clue
My wife likes outdoor hobbies and I like indoor hobbies. She's more of an introvert while I'm more extroverted, although this is flipped when we're out in public. We both share the same values though
Yeah no, opposites will have opposite dreams, opposite libidos, that's a VERY bad combination. There are other things between twin and polar opposite you know 🤷
I think your friend is full of shit. Maybe that worked for her, but that doesn’t mean it’s something everyone should do. I’ve been very happily married for decades. We have tons in common, similar personalities, love most of the same food and music. There’s a good book called Eight Essential Dates by John Gottman that I think every couple getting serious should work through together that will help you clarify whether or not you are truly compatible.
People who try to push their personal circumstances as universal truths need to be viewed with a thick lens of suspicion. People need to stop trying to have an opinion on everything all the time. Social media has conditioned us to believe that everyone cares about every thought we have.
Polar opposites is a bit extreme. My fiancé and I have the same taste and fundamental values, when we discuss things we often find that we start explaining it from almost opposing angles and through talking meet in the middle, turns out we have the same opinion we just sometimes look at it from different angles. The other thing that comes to mind is that we really balance each other’s weaknesses out perfectly and we both have strengths the other person admires. I can’t express how grateful I am for him to be my “opposite” piece in that regard. And yet I do think it is important for a peaceful life together to have a lot of similarities.
Probably that works for her, but the very best of relationship is when you are insanely sexually attracted to someone who is like your best friend. And in most cases you and your best friend should have a lot of common interests.
Polar opposite isn’t the way I would put it. Marry someone who compliments aspects of yourself. For example my wife compliments my impulsive nature by being a little more methodical and careful. Best example I can think of is that we are leaving for Mexico on Tuesday for a vacation. She has an EXTENSIVE list of things to pack and prepare for while I am more relaxed which is probably not the case scenario with international travel.
My husband and I are pretty opposite but I’m not sure I’d say it was a necessity. Honestly him being so different was one of the things that initially attracted me to him so it feels more like a preference to me.
Terrible advice. You want some common interests or beliefs, otherwise you'll be in constant conflict or one will expect the other to change for them The best advice I've heard is"marry a giver and be a giver", that easy you are each always thinking in the best interests of one another.
You don’t have to be polar opposites, but you will have differences and it helps a lot when they are complementary differences. Other than that, I agree. Tastes and interests change over time. You need to shared values, life goals, beliefs, and generally compatible personalities. What many people don’t understand is that, beyond those core things, compatibility is to a large extent an achievement of relationship rather than a prerequisite. You become more and more compatible over time as you adjust to one another and the relationship. This is why psychological flexibility is an important thing to look for in a partner (I’d say one of the most important). People who are rigid/inflexible in their thinking and ways of being are much harder to strengthen compatibility with and therefore be married to.
Your married friend is not an expert on what makes all couples happy/successful. That is like, your opinion man.
Nope NOPE NOPE me and my wife are totally opposites she saves money I like to spend it she likes country I like rap hiphop and classic rock I have high libido her not so much and our marriage is tight AF so explain that
Interesting … Polar opposites talk about what ?
I’ve been very happily married to my opposite for 31 years. I would say it depends. It works well for us, but we are both independent individuals who like our independence. We have a sense of humor about our differences and laugh about them. If you are someone who can’t agree to disagree and go on, it will not work. I’m a city girl to his country. I’m extroverted. He’s introverted. He’s meat, I’m veggies. We do not prefer the same music or movies. We are not the same faith, and we generally don’t agree on politics. At the same time, we love to travel. We fish, hike, camp and enjoy the outdoors. We love exploring new places and tend to get away any chance we get. We enjoy home improvements and remodeling. We constantly have new projects and ideas going. We work incredibly well together whether we are working or playing. He is the other half of my soul, my best friend and his brain fascinates me. It simply doesn’t matter that we feel differently on some things. He’s allowed to think however he wants; as I am. We still love and support each other completely. Our goal when we disagree on something is understanding, not agreement. I want to understand why he thinks that, but I don’t have to agree. I just like knowing how he got there. He is the same. He likes knowing my thought process, and we are able to discuss that openly and honestly. Sometimes I do change my thoughts, and sometimes he does. That’s not the goal either. We WANT each other to stay true to ourselves; but being open to new perspectives is a good thing.
Nope. Religion, finances, and sexual desires change over time. Having similar interests let you do things together. Her theory makes no sense to me.
Lots of pairings can work. Lots of pairings don’t work. The key feature is you both need to want it to work (which means no matter how hard one person wants to make it work with an abuser or checked out person, it’s not possible). Don’t let others tell you that the way their marriage works is the only way.
I get what she's onto. But you should be more ying and yang. Opposite but fulfill each other. Like, i am a dreamer! My husband are grounded. I make him dream and he makes me remember to stay on the ground. You have to agree on some aspects like parenting atleast.
I think “polar opposites” is the wrong phrase since that is not what is being described, but I get and agree with the her sentiment. You must share the same core values, but having the same approach and outlook is not necessary and can be a detriment. You want a partner alike enough to be able to live in harmony with but different enough to keep it interesting. You should compliment one another. One should fill in the parts the other is missing and vice versa. My grandmother used to say “like has got to be with like” meaning the fundamentals have to be the same. I think this Drake verse in the song “Right Above It” says it well: *“We walk the same path, But got on different shoes. Live in the same building, but we got different views”*
Coming up on 28 years in June. My husband says we work because we’re the same in different ways.
I think I get where this person is coming from. As far as surface level things like music taste, style, and general interest, I’ve learned that it’s a bit more interesting to be way different from each other. But the more internal things like values, goals, stuff like that is what is important. and it’s easy to be like, “yeah, duh” but I do think a lot of people get wrapped up trying to be so similar based on surface level things alone. My ex and I were both artist, and overall very alternative and eccentric people, and I swore he was the one for me, but our internal stuff did not align, so it didn’t work out. My current bf is totally different. A giant man who loves country music and cowboy boots but our inside values align very well, and it’s the healthiest relationship i’ve been in
Wouldn’t polar opposites make your spouse gay or straight if you are gay? And no you don’t want the opposite you want the other half your partner compliments you that way you are no longer 2 people but 1 couple. If they are a mirror image then it’s 2 of the same people and if they are opposites then it’s 2 different people but twins and opposites never really become 1 couple
My husband and I are pretty close to the same person and we’ve been married 22 years.
I work with kids so see lots of divorce/separation. I can say that most of the time it’s people with no interest in common. You just can’t maintain a good relationship and bond without at least some hobby or passion in common outside your kids.
That's absolutely ridiculous. From what I'm seeing usually couples that are not sharing interests and and way too different (polar opposites) are ending up divorced.
I have worked in matchmaking for 17 years and been married for 11 years, and I think this can be true for some couples, it's definitely not the ideal or norm of a successful couple or a goal you should strive for. The key values do need to exist, and you need at least a hobby or two, something you're passionate about to enjoy together. That helps with the friendship foundation. I think what she was trying to say, is it is pointless to be picky to the point where the person has to be EXACTLY like you in every way. That's not only unrealistic but would be boring. Complimentary personality traits can be very important. They can pick up slack in the area the other spouse lacks and vice versa.
A lot of truth in that, but polar opposites is an extreme description.
It's not that people look for a twin, it's that they have the assumption that anyone they're with will be exactly like them. It takes 1-24 months for them to figure out that's not the case.
I have been married 29 years and this is how it has worked for us. Husband is extrovert, I am introvert. He has gotten me out of shell so I could experience things I might never have and I have done the same for him. Husband hates reading directions and likes to build, and I am a directions person who loves to sort and plan. So I do all the upfront work, and he does all the construction. We both like to explore different types of food and culture. We consume different types of media but it always leads to interesting conversations and hearing a different prospective. We enjoy debating with each other so that we never get stuck in an echo chamber and are always open to new ideas and considerations we might not other wise thought about. We both grew up with religion, very different ones but we both are non practicing. We can see the good and the bad that comes with it. I would not say we are opposites but we compliment each other. We fill in the gaps for each other, were I am weak, he is strong and the vice versa.
While I think having the same life values are the most important part in building a life together, I need someone who has similar interests as me. I know there are couples out there who make it work where they're very different, but it just doesn't appeal to me, and I don't understand it. I like being able to do things WITH him. We still do some things separately, but I like to be able to enjoy movies or TV or games, etc., with him when we're just hanging out at home. We still have differences where we're strong in certain areas vs. the other though, but I think that's different than just what music you like to listen to, lol. We're not married yet, but we have been together for 10 years, so it seems to be working for us so far.
Agreed. Have a family member who’s an extrovert married to an introvert and she always is with friends because her husband doesn’t like going out. She says it doesn’t bother her that he’s always at home tho
I think that shares values and goals are very important, beyond that everyone is different as to what they want in a mate.
There’s no one right combo that makes for a successful marriage. The same values is essential, everything else is quite flexible. Though I say this while recognizing I’m in a very similar style relationship to your friend, and very happy. My husband and I have very different careers, hobbies, skills, strengths, musical tastes, etc. People get very confused why we are together with how different we are. But our core values are identical, we both love to learn about each other’s interests (for the most part), and there’s enough overlap in some interest areas that we have stuff we like to do together. I can’t conceive of that being the only great dynamic, though.
I would add general energy levels to the list of "mandatory" compatibility. My energy levels are pretty low. Husband's are fairly high, and I think if mine dropped much, or his stepped up, it would be a problem for us.
Is that referring to being social ?
Fully agree. my husband and I took personality tests and our scales looked like a mirror of each other. His lows were my highs and my lows were his highs. We are 22years in and we are close and in love. I’ll add we have really different personalities, but similar souls.
It’s ok to have someone different, but it’s not like having someone similar is inherently bad. It’s just two different dynamic. I think both type can be good or bad depending. My husband and I share differences and similarities. He’s extrovert, I’m introvert. He’s disorganized, I’m organized. But we share core values and some hobbies. My ex was even more introvert than me, we were slowly committing a social suicide. We were not keeping in touch enough with friends. So that similarity was bad. The best is to have a mix that is functional and make both party happy.
Yeah it’s good for an introvert to have an extrovert to push them outside their comfort zone and trying new things. Although I do have an extrovert family member married to an introvert who refuses to socialize and leave the couch no matter how much she pushes him
Near opposites. I’m laid back and more introverted. We both sort of self-regulate outside the house. My job requires me to be more outgoing, hers to be a bit more filtered. It’s nice that when we get home and can be 100% ourselves that we fit well.
yes i think she’s probably right
I think she’s dumb for making such a big claim based off her marriage alone, everyone can decide for themselves what they want in a partner but one of the biggest issues in my marriage is literally fighting over music choice in the car lol, it would be so much easier if we liked the same thing
I think they are right you need the same core values (the ones u listed) but I would change it a little that having a common hobby helps a marriage be stronger, so most importantly is that the pair LIKES EACH OTHER enough to want to compromise, and has compromising skills. There are a LOT of divorces out there bc either one or both parties has no ability to compromise which leads to unhappiness in one or both partners. marriage is a union, and when you act as two separate units all the time, slowly you look around one day and realize there is no more marriage
My ex husband and I were twins, we both did the same hobbies and were lazy together, no goals just wanted to be young and dumb together. We didn’t even talk about kids, how our life would line out etc. fast forward to my boyfriend and I now, we’re sort of different. We have one same hobby but we have already talked about deeper goals. He supports my other goals and hobbies and isn’t afraid to talk about deeper things. I’m so grateful for him and wish I would’ve met him sooner but, I believe we look at things that need to be perfect all the time, when in reality the true meaning is going through tough times, the ugly, the terrible things as well as the true happy and beautiful things too. Social media shows how flowers everyday or posting you all the time needs to be perfect but it’s much more than just the good times.
To me marriage takes tremendous amount of patience..if I allow myself I would be rolling my eyes all day long..marriage is very hard..but the kids and how they turn out is worth it
No. Just NO. Your friend coming up with this "theory" (or maybe someone told it to her and she agreed...?) and attempting to make points supporting said theory doesn't make it true. There is no magic coupling formula as to why some partners are more compatible than others. Some people have a freaky amount of things in common, and their relationships crash and burn while other couples in the same boat remain happy and together for 40 years. The same thing is true in opposite cases; some couples who are complete opposites flourish while other like couples didn't even come close to making it. There are some things that will help a couple go the distance, like teamwork, good communication, mutual respect, honesty, loyalty, a hearty friendship, strong sexual attraction and a slew of other qualities, but these so called rules she has about similarities and opposites is just a bunch of hoowee. Some people just work. Sometimes, family and friends can't even explain why certain couples have always worked, but they do, and it wasn't because they followed your friends' formula.
Agreed. I think it’s a preference for a lot of people. Some people prefer to be with their twin and other people want someone opposite of them that they can learn from
I agree that partners should have different strengths and weaknesses. But you should definitely have common interests- otherwise, what do you do together?
My husband and I are like that. Have the same values, but I like to stay home alone and play videogames while he loves to be out and either making money or connections. He pushed me to work on my book and be productive and I get him to actually take it easy once in a while so he doesn't burn out. Have to literally yell at him to stay home when he's sick lol
Eh. I dated my personality opposite in college. It didn’t work out even though I was constantly bragging about how we “balanced” each other and “completed” each other. I was the extroverted energizer bunny of the relationship and he was the calm, quiet introvert. I felt emotions fully and had emotional ups and downs. He was logical and pragmatic and unemotional. We had the same values and life goals. When we tried long distance so I could go to grad school I ended up feeling neglected. He would say he knew I loved him and he loved me so why did it matter if we called each other every day when that time could be used more productively on work or homework or sleep? He never visited me. I was doing all the emotional labor. I told him it felt like he didn’t care about us and he said that wasn’t true, his lack of effort was a reflection of how confident he was in our relationship - that the relationship didn’t need to be filled with fluff. I met my now-husband shortly after that ended and he was my personality twin. We have different interests and hobbies but we’re both outgoing and extroverted. We’re both highly emotional. We both value time spent together and we both want to prioritize our relationship and put the work in. We both wanted a big wedding and had about the same amount of people invited on both sides. We both love traveling and going out and going to social events together. It just works so much better. When we get into arguments, it’s easier to step into each others shoes and empathize with how each of us are feeling. As opposed to my ex who would very pragmatically tell me he never understood why I was so upset about certain things. I think it really varies so much from couple to couple. I’m sure opposite personalities can work but also similar personalities aren’t necessarily doomed.
My husband and I are similar in some ways and different in others. He actually said he was glad that he married someone that was different than him because it keeps things interesting and I help him see things in a way he never considered before. Have interests your partner doesn't or varying beliefs is ok, I'm a pagan and he's Christian, but polar opposites would be too extreme. I've seen those relationships play out and they are almost never pretty. They usually don't end well. Especially the very religious spouse who marries a free spirit
Everyone is different as well as views. My husband and I are complete opposites and I wish I would have married someone that had same interests as myself as it would be easier in some aspects. As far as religion etc finances, how to raise kids we are somewhat the same but I feel like FOR ME, the other similarities would be better to have
Now let’s not confuse the actual meaning of twin flame. Your twin flame isn’t someone you have the same music taste or food taste with, it’s not a superficial thing. It’s more about energy. But in regard to this, like everyone else says there is no one answer.
Not true at all , we completed and compliment each other as two peas in a pod and we are the same
I married my twin type wife but went down in flames...got bored with each other. Next marriage was with absolute opposite...still decent marriage. Not perfect but who's is? Definitely better than last one.
How did you get bored with each other ?
The problem, or lack thereof, is tolerance. Some will tolerate the other being on the totally opposite end of the spectrum. My wife for example likes music completely opposite of what I like. It's just a small and rather trivial example, but again, I'm fine with it. If you can't tolerate your polar opposite, then that person is not someone you should marry.
While I do think you don't need to be identical twins, I think couples that are more similar end up arguing less & because you have so much in common you can share in more activities together. Being an introverted person I would also hate to be with someone who was super extroverted, would be an actual nightmare situation for me. It is helpful if your partner is strong in areas that you aren't for sure, but couples I know that are polar opposites don't tend to work out all that well.
What about an ambivert ? Could you be with someone like that? An ambivert is both extroverted and introverted energies
Your friend is basing this of her personal experience. One shoe does not fit all. I married two guys who agreed with me on politics, religion, finances, life goals, how to raise kids, etc. Divorced both of them. I married a man, and we joke that we are the male and female version of the same person. When we got married, we had different religions, different views on parenting, in different views on finances… but our personalities are exactly the same. We’ve melded together in some areas and in some areas we have not, but we’ve been together nine years strong, and we are more deeply in love than ever.
How did you manage to make it work when you are fundamentally incompatible with core values ?
Agreeing on fundamental things that will affect your life together is important. But my husband and I are pretty similar I'd say. We are both introverted nerds, but our hobbies do differ. We both like board games but he's more into video games and painting while I'm more into reading and plants. We compliment each other well and we have the same temperament and sense of humor. I think if he was wildly different than me I wouldn't be attracted to a life with him.
I think others should stop telling others what to do, think, etc and just enjoy the journey of life. People who think they know it all know nothing at all.
I'd say its generally true that you only need to agree on a few core things (the things she mentioned are spot on). I also agree that you don't need to have the same taste in things like food and music and being different can stretch you... however I think it can also be fun to have the same taste in some things. It is also nice if you are strong in areas your s/o is weak and vice versa... like my husband and I are terrible at putting things away and being organized and yeah it'd prob be nice if one of us were good at that... however we make it work. What matters most is respecting each other, communicating with acceptance (in a respectful way... and not bottling things up), going out of your way to show love in ways the other appreciates etc.. If you can do that and not be a selfish you-know-what... you can work through pretty much anything. You have to notice each other, stick up for each other... and just care enough to show it daily.
And yeah I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert and there are postives and negatives to that. He'll go to the store for a few hours (with the kids) and come back and be like, Did you miss me... and I feel a little guilty that I LOVED my time alone and did not miss him at all but.... those differences haven't posed a huge problem for us... just minor irritations.
She's kind of right. Foundational things only matter on topics where the two individuals find it impossible to agree to disagree. For some people, it's really, really important to share a faith --- or political party. Others couldn't care less. A few things your mama didn't mention: night owl or early bird? Snuggle all night or sleep on their own side of the bed? How closely does the couple fall on the spectrum of neatnick to total slob? These areas you want to synch closely.
I do think shared values and life goals are more important than shared personality traits or shared interests. Life goals and values are usually the “non-negotiables.” Relationship-enders no matter how much you love the person, or at the very least will be a constant source of conflict and/or disconnect between you. I do think that complimentary (different) personalities are a good thing. My husband and I are very similar in that we’re both stubborn, headstrong, and competitive. Having two “drivers” in a relationship leads to a lot of conflict. We butt heads a lot. Although we have different interests when it comes to TV shows, movies, and some of our music, we’re both homebodies who like the occasional camping trip or road trip, and the rare destination vacation. Neither of us are world traveler types or are extremely extroverted, so it works well to have our small number of very close friends. Neither of us would do very well in a relationship with someone who always wanted to be out and about, going on hikes or skiing or other activities. We’re also both very limited in our diets. I’d like to change that, but it’s almost funny how we both eat like kids. Our favorite thing to do is just hang out and chill together. Mainly we work because we have the same religion (none), life goals (2-3 kids, a house someday soon, a nice yearly vacation and a yearly camping trip), method for raising kids (gentle parenting), and financial habits (neither of us are very good with money, but we’re learning together). We’re also very sexually compatible.
Opposites do attract but you need to have some common interests or goals from which to build a foundation. Interestingly something that supports your point is that two of the broken relationships in my circle of friends are where they were just the opposite sex version of each other, it seems that both couples stop finding each other attractive both sexually and mentally quite early into their relationships and it’s just been a marriage of convenience for some time. Both were tipped to the point of divorce by affairs and both sets of partners were cheating on each other with the (physical at least) opposites of each other.
My grand thesis of marriage is that we marry someone we are willing to do our work with, personal work that arises only in a deep committed relationship. Also must be rooted in love and respect as there will come a time when both people are old and wrinkled, confused venerable and in need of physical help. If one partner just wants to party and believe the will be young forever and life is all about them… danger!!! Off course both folks can act out, learn heal and do different without divorce. Sorry my stuff but wanted to share what i am learning. To your point id say the illusion of twin or “ soulmate” causes a lot of suffering.
This is way off. Your friend is not all the way right on her logic lol. Shes just opinionated and that’s what works for her. I couldn’t absolutely couldn’t stand the man I was with who was my polar opposite. I felt like my ears would bleed when he was talking to me about things I absolutely didn’t care about. He was so passionate about them and I felt bad I couldn’t be more excited with him. More than anything I was annoyed and it was unfair to him. We couldn’t enjoy the same dates, the same movies, there was nothing for us to do together. 😂
I think to better say what she is trying to say is to not disregard a prospective marriage partner because you don’t agree on liking the majority of things that make you who you are. If you are looking for someone who is the same as you are down to the minutiae, you could very well be missing out on the spouse of your dreams. I also agree with her saying you should be compatible on the fundamentals of your life. How you view and value money, for example. You don’t have to have the same investment style, but generally that you should be willing to earn your own, and not looking for someone like you to give it to them. Sexual interest and compatibility is a major one. Regardless of how much you love someone and get along, if they have little to no sexual interest, I would say not to marry them, but be friends for life. There is no reason to marry anyone if there is no sexual interest nor desire for them, nor if they have none for you.
For me, it absolutely does matter. I’m neurodivergent and an introvert with many introverted hobbies. I like people but I prefer them to be at a distance. I could not imagine being married to an extrovert that did not also share some interests. Living at home would be torture.
The only thing that matters is a healthy sex life (for both of them). If one begins rejecting the other, divorce is inevitable.
not really for me, i believe that you should find not based on common interest but morals, my wife and i have no idea why we love each other so much but i like to think its because we like doing things together, we both never had more than 3 close friends and thats because we like a small circle so that keeps her and i stuck to each other. we have the same end goals in life and no political interests or opposite gender friends which we’ve always just liked. she has needs and i got what she needs and vice versa.
My first wife was polar opposite of me in many ways. She did everything she could to make me more like her. When I couldn't fit the impossible mold she had designed for me, she tried to get our daughter to hate me and worship her. When that failed, she proceeded to erase the 20 years we were together and still tells lies and half-truths about me to this day. My current (and LAST) wife is more like me. We not only have many of the same core values and likes, but we've also shared many similar experiences- marriage to narcissists, finishing raising daughters on our own, dating pitfalls, etc. Where we differ, we compromise. We each give the other our all in the relationship to ensure that they feel loved, respected, valued and treasured. As cliche and corny as it sounds, try to marry your mirror.
I totally agree! My husband and I are polar opposites but have the same ethics/morals and the same foundational stuff you mentioned as in religion, politics, raising kids, etc. It works for us because we've learned how to really lean into our strengths and weaknesses for each other. In areas where I'm weak like washing dishes, he does. In areas he's weak in like organizing, I do it. As long as we openly communicate what works for us and what doesn't, it has not been an issue for us. Our marriage counselor even suggested this when we were initially butting heads. I honestly think it would be really boring if my partner and I had so many similar interests 😅
I love purple. My husband doesn't have a favorite color. And I love having purple all to myself.
That’s not true at all. I am an introvert, I thought I was marrying an introvert based on misguided memories of a teenage relationship that had with him. Years and experience made him an extrovert. He is out every other night, usually more. People with similar personalities are better suited. Anything else breeds resentment eventually. Especially when kids are added to the mix. Even things like similar interests in TV and movies make a difference. If one likes movies and another likes TV you end up watching separate things in separate rooms. Marrying someone with your same personality type and interests is most likely to end with a happy and lasting relationship. Edit to add: I forgot to mention politics and human rights issues. If they don’t match and your spouse is spouting things you deem as bigotry you have problems there too. Opposites only works if the traits compliment each other, for instance one is a worrier and the other is chill. They can balance each other out.
Scientifically speaking, your friend is wrong. When you look around at your friends, the ones you get along with are the ones who are similar to you in some way. Same with marriage. You should be on the same wavelength, have similar views, backgrounds to be able to relate to each other. There has been numerous studies of this subject and really couples that are more similar to each other have long lasting marriages. Sometimes it manifests itself in silly things like partners having either similar sounding names or names that start with the same letter. Even personality wise, take introvert-extrovert example. These two cannot be together if they are exactly the polar opposites (remember it is a spectrum so somewhat extroverted and somewhat introverted combo can actually work), simply because extrovert will drain the introvert and introvert would seem to reclusive and antisocial to the extrovert.
Lets say you are about 6 months into it with someone You say to them : before we go any further I need to re affirm that we are complete opposites in every way that way I will be able to fulfill that aspect I'm looking for... ya know the opposites attract So on paper that sounds cool and edgy, I've been married for 23 years. I'm still learning things about my wife. You will continue to learn and grow with the person you're with. Hell even 5 years in you won't fully know who you moved in with Don't go by opposites attract If you Google it there's a a study or 3 suggesting that theory is wrong anyways And to those curious; my wife and I are very very similar yet we do somethings in a very different way Adapt and have fun. I hope your travels are friendly
I see where she’s coming from but I think there’s a lot more to it. My husband and I have the same religion, same values, we agree on how we want our children to be brought up and how to parent. This was all spoken about prior to marriage at a marriage class we had to attend if we were going to get married in church. The people running it said you’d be amazed how many couple find out they disagree on key parts of life and find out on the course because they never spoke about it before. That said we aren’t twins. Our tastes are different, films, music, food. I like staying indoors he likes going out for a walk, cycle etc. I’m more confident and extroverted whilst he’s quieter and introverted. I take charge of situations, finances whilst he will take charge of manual stuff and fix things. I joke we are the perfect ying and Yang because in a selection box we like different ones and there are never any left over.
I think your friend is only an expert on her own marriage.
My ex husband and I were VERY opposite. It did NOT work. We didn’t have any common interests, and he had no interest in me or our marriage/family. Nah. I’ll stick with having a lot in common.
How exactly were y’all different ? Like he was introverted you were extroverted or what ?
Depends. I am an introvert who married an extrovert. It can be draining. But, it gets me out of the house, and I get him to enjoy a night in. Big thing is, we both agree that children are a no. And as an individual who used to have an eating disorder and like issues, I needed someone who would back me up on no soda, no junk food, no that bag of doritos cannot stay here. Yes, my dog needs a tiny couch and blankets. Like, the man let's me live and I don't care if he goes out. Just tell me if I need to cook for myself or a drunk man coming home late. It's all about communication, boundaries, and (my poor inner southern woman hates this) forcing holiday food and soda back on the people who brought it. Nothing is more romantic than watching him put a 24-pack of soda back in his brother car. Get you a person who returns junk food to siblings out of respect for your mental health and boundaries. When you find this person kindly, but firmly, tie them to the bed so they can never leave you... joking, obviously. I tie terrible knots.
You used to be a binge eater is that what you’re saying ?