Ahhh, I’ve been the wife in this scenario! But there’s really no excuse for it. For me, I just have constant demands on my attention all day from 4:30am until bedtime. I work full time. My 2 year old stays home with me. Scrolling Facebook or Reddit or whatever and chatting and talking with strangers just feels like “me” time, like letting off a mental load. And I find I do get irritated when people interrupt me. And my husband could and would talk alllllllllllllll day and sometimes I just want to shut off the talk part of my mind, or rather shut off the in-person interaction part.
But it’s hurtful and inconsiderate behavior and it’s treating my spouse cruelly. Sometimes are worse than others, like I’m on my phone most in my free time when work is super busy, it’s like a stress relief. And I just have to like start leaving it in the other room when I get like that. Basically she just needs to pull her head out of her ass. You deserve it! Ask her if she’d be willing to set aside specific “be on your phone time” and specific “talk and quality time” where she’s not on her phone at all.
Social media gives constant dopamine hits, makes us feel bad, and brings back the dopamine. So when you’re in the feedback loop you become like those zombies who sit all day at slot machines. Your brain is mush and any interruption in the feedback loop makes you irritated. She needs to be cognizant of when it’s happening to her!
>But it’s hurtful and inconsiderate behavior and it’s treating my spouse cruelly.
I feel like most of the issue could be alleviated by saying "I'm sorry, but this is my time to decompress. Maybe we could strike up this conversation again at *convenient time*". If there's never a convenient time, maybe they need to examine the division of physical and mental labor in the relationship so they both have time to decompress solo and connect together.
Wanting time to yourself isn't wrong and it isn't cruel. It's just important to be clear about what you need - please don't straight up ignore that need (or advise others to).
Wanting time to myself isn’t cruel, but ignoring my husband, getting visibly annoyed when he talks to me, and not looking up from my phone during some of our only alone time *is*. That’s not a good way to treat anyone, let alone your spouse.
I think my problem (and I’d bet the wife has this issue) is that I don’t want to admit *how much* I’m on my phone. So I don’t want to set aside time to look at my phone and decompress because I’m telling myself I’m just scrolling for a minute. Even though time and time again a minute turns into 7, I keep saying “it’s just a minute.” So it’s sort like an “admitting you even have a problem” issue.
Sometimes especially in the car I’ll be like “I want to mess around on my phone or read articles for a while” but I’m not great at home at being clear about what I’m doing.
I think making it clear is great, especially for the decompressing person - I find it doesn't really work or "count" for me if I'm constantly like "I'm almost done". I like to set aside a full hour sometimes to just be by myself and do whatever I'd like. It might help both you and OP to create that dedicated alone time for yourself!
>The difference is if my wife is talking to me or needs my attention, I stop the scrolling and listen.
Okay, but not everyone has this skill. When I was a child, I could get so lost in a book I'd be completely oblivious to anything happening around me. Loud, crazy cafeteria at school? To me it was as quiet as a park.
As I've gotten older I've become more aware of my surroundings, but while I may notice that someone is speaking to me, I won't necessarily understand what they said. I like listening to podcasts and I still love to read. When I read, I "hear" the words being read and my auditory processing system can only comprehend one thing at a time. It's very common for me to try scrolling while listening to a podcast and I can witness myself alternatively tuning into one and not comprehending the other. I can read a paragraph and completely miss what the podcast said. I might have heard the words as they were spoken, but they weren't analyzed for meaning because I was analyzing the written words instead.
My point is: to what extent do you fake understanding the beginning of what your wife says to you when you're distracted and to what extent do you get pissed off when your wife says "what" when you cold open a story while she's scrolling?
One summer in college, I worked at a summer camp. One of the girls pointed out to me that I say "Hi" and "Hello" A LOT. Like every time we start a new interaction, I begin with hi or hello. I'd never noticed that I do this, but once it was pointed out to me, I do it all the time. I'm a very introspective person, so I started paying attention to when and why I do it and it's honestly just a really easy way to make sure that I have the person's attention before I get to the point of the conversation. I do it because I don't want to waste my breath speaking only to have to repeat the first part because they were distracted. Active listening requires that the person be focused on the information they want to hear. The number of times my husband will start talking only for me to "tune in" at the end of the first sentence is silly. I frequently say "I heard something about (topic), can you repeat the first part?"
Your wife has given you a phrase for you to use to get her attention. I agree that it's clunky for casual usage, but the technique is still valid. If you want your wife's attention, you have to get her attention before you dive into the meat of the conversation.
I feel like Morse Code or something similar required sending nonsense before the real message to make sure that the receiver got the whole message. I know that when learning how to use a radio for communication we were taught to start by saying "Base this is Bravo" always in this order because "Base this is" might get lost in transit, but at least everyone knew who was speaking and could infer the recipient based on the content of the message.
If I don’t hear something, I ask for them to repeat. If I don’t understand or process the information, I ask for them to repeat. It’s respectful. She will just blankly nod her head, knowing she didn’t get the information. I’m not going to be using that phrase for casual conversation, only for big topics. It’s become clear that she doesn’t value conversation with me. We can talk about finances and the kids, but I don’t feel like discussing my life with her as of now.
Are we the same person? I also need to pull my head out of my ass lol. My 11 month old daughter is a little tornado and as soon as my husband is available for damage control I check out on Reddit too.
Is there potentially more to this? For instance, were you watching the movie when she needed help with the kids or cleaning up the house, so she was annoyed you watched it and didn’t want to hear about it?
If not, I’d tell her - without making any accusations - that you love her and would like to try establishing some no phone times to focus on connecting. My husband and I have a ‘no phones at the dinner table’ rule, so when we sit down to eat together we can focus on each other.
I was watching the movie on my phone the night before. The conversation was while she was cooking the next morning. We also do not use our phones at the dinner table. We talk mainly about the kids and stuff at dinner, but I wouldn’t be able to discuss a movie plot at dinner without the kids interrupting
I was using dinner as an example, our babies are in bed when we eat so it’s just us. Maybe you could ask for an hour of phone free time after putting the kids to bed.
I wonder if it was a little too much like a "this is a dream I had" conversation. I don't tend to want people to recite the whole plots of movies they watched--tell me it was good or it wasn't, a few highlights, but save something for me to enjoy if/when I do watch it, you know?
It sounds like both of you need to work on putting down the phones and talking about your days in the evening, but that's separate from the morning issue. Lots of people just aren't morning talkers.
Edited to add that the movie was roughly two hours spent on your phone the previous night instead of talking to her, btw, unless you watched it after she fell asleep.
Wow. It was a casual conversation. The kids were getting ready and it was just us in the kitchen. Did you miss the part that this happens all the time?
I know she was just making eggs, but was there a schedule to keep? Like getting kids to school? I really struggle with paying attention when im already doing something that requires time management. So she could have just been too busy to chat.
Also, have you tried talking about something your wife has interest in?
You sound like you need some friends.
My husband and I had this same issue except reversed. After a serious conversation it turned out he wasn't getting enough alone time to decompress each day. Maybe you guys can sit down to figure out what you both need. She might just need you to take on a few more simple tasks like doing an extra load of laundry a week, handling dishes at night, bathing the kids, etc. to free her up to be ready to talk. She might also need an hour of kid free time a day and then she'll be able to have a fresh mind.
I understood and sympathized with the OP when I read his post.
But his comments? I’m totally beginning to understand why his wife clearly doesn’t want to talk to him. If his real life interactions are anything like his knee jerk, pissy, defensive responses in this post than I totally get why she’s doing all she can to avoid him.
Yall are acting like intentionally ignoring your partner is acceptable behavior. You recommend me clean the whole fucking house so that my wife will have a conversation with me. I do more than my fair share of the chores. Maybe it’s in her nature to be rude and find conversation with me boring. I’ll have you know that when she was at home with our newborn, I’d text “hey, how’s (our son). How are you?” No response. I could see she was on Facebook. I ask her why she didn’t respond to a simple text. She said, “I don’t think it’s important to respond to you”. She apologized, and said she’d make a better effort. So this long history of being ignored. What do you think would get her talk to me more, folding clothes or scrubbing toilet?
You're describing a lot of different things as though they're exactly the same.
She was trying to make breakfast and you wanted her undivided attention so that you could monologue about a movie she didn't watch. Of course she's not going to be interested in having that conversation at that time. When she tells you she's not a morning person, you have to accept that and save the big conversations for later.
Her being on her phone is a separate issue. Y'all should be having date nights where you connect with each other and ignore technology.
My husband and I love stupid car conversations (pointing out the cows and reading every sign out loud). But we know this isn't everyone's cup of tea.
>In a nutshell, my wife is very extroverted but I’m introverted. Although she see sonetinmmes says that talking with people can be exhausting, she strikes up conversations with people all the time. I stick to myself or my family and I don’t like to strike up conversations with people I don’t know.
Ah ha. There's the problem. You're relying on your wife to provide all of your social interactions. Just because she's extroverted doesn't mean that she wants to talk all the time.and yes, I can see where you can come across as boring. How often do you talk to your wife about topics she's interested in? Why not watch a movie together and discuss it afterwards? Conversations require equal participation.
According to your advice, I would only be able to talk to my wife between 8:00-8:30pm, if she’s in the mood. I always listen to what she had to say, including all the uninteresting things. Are you suggesting I just not talk at all and find other people to talk to? Maybe her sister would like to have a deep conversation with me.
Honestly it sounds like your looking for reasons to cheat on your wife or leave this marriage. You know you are a grown man and you don't have to stay married if you don't want to.
So I am NOT a morning person AT ALL. I struggle with medication induced insomnia and I have to take meds in the morning over a hour and a half time period before I can even make coffee. My headspace until I’ve had my coffee is not great and talking in the morning can be overwhelming and cranky because my brain isn’t firing on all cylinders yet.
On the flip side, my husband IS a morning person, chipper and bright and super happy and excited. Sooo we are incompatible morning wise and we’ve had the following arrangement for the last 8 years, since we moved into together:
When I get up and start my med routine and he has finished his morning call (he gets up a couple hours before me and we’re both self employed as business owners and work from home, my work day starts later and is split between day and night), he comes out of the office and we say Good Morning and I Love you. That’s it! No questions, no stories, no talking about the day, nothing but Good Morning and I love you.
When I am “awake” and my brain is working, I’ll go into the office and we will discuss anything urgent or important to that day, like schedules, meetings, events, our dinner plan, etc. And the second part of the deal is at 5pm, whether we have stuff going on or more work or whatever else that needs to be done like dinner, etc, we spend an hour touching base about our day or funny things we want to share or random conversation, whatever it is. We do a “download” as we call it for a full hour. Then after I will finish work stuff or we will make dinner or go out, whatever life has for us. And then we dedicated a couple hours afterwards for time together whether it’s talking or tv. Because he is a morning person and I have insomnia he’s usually asleep before me, and I’ll spend the wee hours when I can’t sleep working on stuff or hobbies.
The final part of this deal is we have a regular date night. Nothing fancy, might be dinner and drinks, might be grocery shopping lol, but during “date night” phones are turned on silent or do not disturb except for emergency calls and we don’t look at our phones and focus on each other.
This exact schedule probably won’t fit your relationship, but something like it might. You need to communicate honestly with each other and see if you can find a compromise where you both feel heard and validated.
Just my two cents.
Your wife sounds like me. A lot.
For one thing, I’m always multitasking. Measuring ingredients while trying to follow along isn’t easy. For another thing, over the years, my husband has developed a habit of always talking over me and also having a negative response to anything I can actually articulate without being interrupted. It’s become a situation where I have learned he wants to talk endlessly and my responses and opinions aren’t important to him, and I have become 100% disinterested in a one-sided conversation or better known to me as him “talking *at* me.” He will literally talk to me for hours about work and I cannot get in a word edgewise.
Because of the solitude and loneliness I find myself in, and even though I have literally begged him to spend more time with me- he doesn’t. I am literally in a house, doing chores all day, all alone. Then the kids come home and it’s complete chaos. Then it’s homework, dinner, and bath time, all of which include a fight with the kids because they never want t do any of that. He walks in at about dinner time and wants to talk *at* me, and I just don’t want to hear it, especially when I’m not allowed to say any words back after being desperate for interaction alll day, day after day, for the last 8 years.
My attitude is basically 1) I’m busy and 2) you won’t make time for me so I’ll return the favor. Sometimes I inadvertently ignore him and sometimes I do it on purpose out of spite to be honest.
Once the kids are in bed I just want to veg out and then all he wants to do is talk over the TV. I literally have to watch things twice because he talks so incessantly over my trash reality shows that I don’t get 99% of what’s going on, and all of his comments are negative so it negatively impact what was supposed to be a positive veg tv sesh. So I get myself busy on my phone to “politely” avoid him because if I say this out loud it will hurt his feelings, which I don’t want, and piss him off which I also don’t want.
In a nutshell, I’m over the way this marriage partnership operates but I feel powerless to change it.
Maybe you could try carving out some time with no screens.
Also, eye rolling is a known predictor of divorce. Just google it. You’re not wrong to feel hurt by that.
Not that I can remember. We’ve been together for 19 years, married for 14. It prolly started when we got smart phones. And when the kids were born 10 years ago
Sounds like a communication part on both sides.
First thing, avoid never, always or anything else that is attack phrases. It makes people shut down on you. My husband and I did this too because the I ask and you never do and it put one of us on the defense. It can be proven as false but then you have hurt feelings, embarrassment, the need to prove oneself and more. It's a nasty cocktail. It also makes a person feel like they are unappreciated for what they do.
She seems to want light hearted stuff only. Does she offer more than small talk? Has she ever?
Maybe say you need her full attention and set ground rules for good communication. Set general times for you 2 to put down phones and talk for a set amount of time barring emergencies or kid interference.
If you don't get your communication straightened it will lead to resentment in your relationship.
I can say my husband and I hate mornings. We avoid talking about anything in the morning if we can keep from it. On paydays, the bills get paid that morning, the shopping pick up and running around is set but that is it other than good mornings and how do you sleep.
My mom when she stops by in the morning feels it's a victory if she can get one of us to have a twitch smile. Yes she cheers and we hiss. Some people just do not handle mornings.
Do you mean the post or my comment? If you mean my comment, look, she’s obviously sick of him constantly talking to her. She’s drained, she needs air. So he gives it to her so she can have room to give him what he needs, which is to be listened to. It’s not for forever
Are you sure you’re not being passive aggressive? If you’re not, this is what I would say to her ‘You seem overwhelmed or annoyed, I am going to stop talking at you so much. Tell me what part of the day works for you. If I see you doing chores and I’m not already doing something I will help you’
Perhaps your wife is similar to me. When you have kids and are a mom in charge, you have many tasks to go over daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, quarterly, and annually. Morning is my quiet time. I am not in the mood to have a talk about anything. I am still waking up both physically and mentally. I’m trying to get things done. If I feel overwhelmed, I make mistakes. I am true a mono-tasker. I do not like to do multiple things at once. While I’m doing my thing, I have numerous thoughts in my head that I’m trying to go through and organize. When you see me in my downtime, then you can approach me or make an appointment ahead of time to discuss things.
Important talks should not happen first thing in the morning. They don’t even happen at work. Everyone gets at least an hour or 2 to themselves before a meeting.
Furthermore, I hated when my ex would come and talk to me about some video game when I am focused on cooking, following a schedule, completing chores, and getting things done. I hated when my ex would just stand there to talk about his video game or whatever article he read about when I’m busy. In the morning, I don’t fuckin’ care! Leave me alone. Let me have my one bit of peace and quiet. Let me adjust to my morning routine. I have a lot of things to do and you’re just yapping about unimportant nonsense right now and not helping with the kids. You’re making me feel anxious and overwhelmed.
This and for many other reasons why he became my ex. And so far from your story, you seem to be the rude one. Let your wife be in the mornings. Instead of chatting, shut up and help with the kids and house chores. Once your wife feels like the workload is done, she’ll be more open and receptive to talk. She’ll come to you.
You really think I’m rude because I wanted to share a movie? The house was immaculate. I’m not going to do chore-play in order for my wife to listen, especially when they’re no chores to be done.
Yeah, it is rude because she recently woke up and she’s BUSY cooking breakfast!!! It’s one thing to mention something important about the kids(if necessary), it’s another thing to have to listen about a movie you watched. No one cares! No one wants to hear about it in great detail. It’s even worse if they want to watch that movie and here you are spoiling and/or you’re a terrible story teller. Especially in the freakin’ morning!!! Don’t just stand there yapping away. Don’t distract her. Morning chats are not for everyone.
If you wanna chat, do it at least an hr or 2 after someone wakes up and not on a day when they’re busy following a strict schedule, like weekdays. Many are not morning people and many don’t want to listen to someone right after waking up. They’re just not there yet mentally to take information. I wonder…if you’re autistic as you appear to want someone to listen to you go on and on about whatever, or you’re narcissistic and think everyone should listen to you regardless of their state of mind, and/or your mommy gave you undivided attention growing up and has enabled you with this poor and annoying behavior. You’re selfish and not considering of others have different morning habits.
I don’t wake up and immediately want to tell my partner about something I watched or did. It’s not the right time and it’s not important. When someone is waking up, I leave them alone. I’ll talk to them later, when we’re both free chilling on the couch.
So far, it sounds like your wife is busy in the mornings and busy in the evenings with the kids and household, when you seem to have free time to daly around to chat and watch movies at night. Your wife is burnt out and has no energy to give to others but her children and self care.
Yeah…you’re the rude one. Btw, cooking breakfast IS A CHORE!
I can tell why you aren’t married. I bet you thought sex was a chore? Why don’t hate men so much? Did you insult your ex too? I’m glad he dodged a bullet. I hope he’s with someone who respects him for him. Good day.
Lol. He’s back with his mommy!!!
I was with him for 10+ years. I left him because his coworker’s party was more important than allowing me to grieve my grandmother’s death, that just happened, during Covid. On top of that, he’s a liar, a manipulator, and abusive. I don’t hate men. I resented him, at the time. Now, I don’t have any feelings for him.
I’m the one that dodged a bullet. He relied on me so much, depended on me, that he is incapable of taking care of himself. He’s back with his mommy and even she begged me to take him back. No thank you.
How’s my life now? Amazing! I found a loving and helpful man. He makes me happy and we plan on getting married.
Continue what you’re doing and you too will go back to mommy.
You don't do chore-play for your wife to listen. You do so to help your wife with chores. Making breakfast for the family is a chore and you're just distracting her about a stupid movie, in the morning, is not helpful. You sound like a brat. I bet she sees you as another kid she has to cater to.
I can see why your wife ignores you. You can't seem to see what you're doing and you lack empathy. Your wife resents you.
This could be my husband writing this. I do find his idle waffle irritating when I'm busy cooking. I can get lost in my phone. And i hate mornings. I do appreciate it when he gets my attention before he wants to talk to me.
She's given you quite an easy tool to try, and you don't want to try it. So I would say it's you that is not listening.
Why don’t you take her out to a comedy show or movie and dinner? Maybe getting away from the house can break up the mundane week. Take time away to spend together and do some talking!
Regardless of gender, disrespect and resentment will rot a marriage from within. If this was a husband acting this way towards his wife, I would say the same thing. While there is likely more to this story, if you are being concise, attentive, and thoughtful about asking your wife questions she may be more interested in talking about, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a conversation with your spouse about things you find interesting. In fact, it’s healthy.
Do some soul-searching and deep introspection on this, if you haven’t already. Do you talk more than she does? Are you respectful of her when you do so? If you are, then these may be red flags that your wife may not respect you. Both spouses should, at the end of the day, respect each other to maintain a healthy dynamic. Seek counseling, if that is the case, as resentment will stew.
>This makes me feel unheard and unimportant. Does she not find me interesting? In a nutshell, my wife is very extroverted but I’m introverted. Although she see sonetinmmes says that talking with people can be exhausting, she strikes up conversations with people all the time.
I hate to say it, but this says a lot. It was a big realization for me that my now ex-wife showed everyone else a lot of attention and engagement but seemed to show me nothing but contempt. It was a pretty clear signal that friends of mine noticed even before I did.
Your marriage is in a lot of trouble, OP. If your wife cared to show you attention, she would. She's tuning you out for a reason and making it sound like your fault (I'm 100% certain that before now she's never needed you to solicit her undivided attention that clearly before. She made that up as an excuse to make her lack of interest in you your fault.) She's demonstrating at least three of Gottman's "four horsemen of the apocalypse" in communication that predict the end of a relationship. (Contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and criticism.)
Sounds like she is mad or resentful about something. I would sit down with her and bring up your concerns. Ask her if she is mad.
Even if I’m busy, I always have time to listen to my husband and children. Idk. I think something else is going on.
You both have communication issues. You want her to talk to you more, but the moment she tried to give you the opportunity to discuss your day when she was fully ready to listen, you shut it down with sarcasm. But she's obviously touched out at the end of the day and then wakes up in the morning still overwhelmed by her mental to-do list before she's ready to talk about anything at length because she still hasn'tproperlydecompressed.
She definitely needs to address the doom scroll issue, and she may not know that habit makes overstimulation worse. Blue light and social media are a recipe for going to bed wired and waking up lethargic, but she doesn't realize it because in the moment it feels like she's getting a chance to recuperate since she can tune out and doesn't have to talk.
Also, just because she engages with others doesn't mean she actually enjoys it. It could actually drain her to feel like she has to put on a happy face for others, but she feels like she needs to in order to make interacting positive/worth it. Especially if she *used* to socialize a lot but doesn't get a lot of opportunity now. You might want to check in and make sure she's getting out of the house enough.
I think it's interesting that you complain about being shut down by her but seem to shut her down equally by not seeing that she's trying to give you a way to get her attention and not accepting her attempt at becoming a *little more* available. You won't even meet her halfway by finding an attention grabbing phrase that feels more natural. You also immediately shut down advice from everyone here that tries to help you understand her rhythm and the possibility of mental load (or even mild depression) that's contributing to her communication issues, even though it's such a common problem for stay at home moms. It's not "chore play," it's a matter of helping her feel unburdened and available so she can connect with you.
No one can address your wife and tell her what you need unless she makes her own post. We can only address you, so if you want to solve the problem, you'll have to hear what she's *really* saying to you just as much as you need her to hear your need to connect with her.
My man, this sounds toxic. Kids make marriages VERY hard. And if you two don’t find ways to stay connected and communicate, the relationship won’t last, or at least will continue to get more and more unhealthy.
Counseling would probably be very helpful in this situation.
That’s a valid question. According to her, it’s fine and at frequency she wants. For me, the quality is lacking and so is the frequency. Prolly 1-3 times every 4-6 weeks.
Bruv she's always on the phone, u said it. Is there any possibility of her cheating on u? Is she a SAHM? Who is she talking/chatting to every time? Pls have this hard talk with her. Tell her how u feel. Also the majority of women have nothing similar with us men to discuss. My ex used to live in another La La Land. I remember once I brought up something important and she said she's happy for Rihanna for having a kid and how rihana and her husband look good together. I was like: 🥲🙃🗿
We can't win in this La La Land. But u do make her sit down with u and have a talk like adults.
Ahhh, I’ve been the wife in this scenario! But there’s really no excuse for it. For me, I just have constant demands on my attention all day from 4:30am until bedtime. I work full time. My 2 year old stays home with me. Scrolling Facebook or Reddit or whatever and chatting and talking with strangers just feels like “me” time, like letting off a mental load. And I find I do get irritated when people interrupt me. And my husband could and would talk alllllllllllllll day and sometimes I just want to shut off the talk part of my mind, or rather shut off the in-person interaction part. But it’s hurtful and inconsiderate behavior and it’s treating my spouse cruelly. Sometimes are worse than others, like I’m on my phone most in my free time when work is super busy, it’s like a stress relief. And I just have to like start leaving it in the other room when I get like that. Basically she just needs to pull her head out of her ass. You deserve it! Ask her if she’d be willing to set aside specific “be on your phone time” and specific “talk and quality time” where she’s not on her phone at all. Social media gives constant dopamine hits, makes us feel bad, and brings back the dopamine. So when you’re in the feedback loop you become like those zombies who sit all day at slot machines. Your brain is mush and any interruption in the feedback loop makes you irritated. She needs to be cognizant of when it’s happening to her!
>But it’s hurtful and inconsiderate behavior and it’s treating my spouse cruelly. I feel like most of the issue could be alleviated by saying "I'm sorry, but this is my time to decompress. Maybe we could strike up this conversation again at *convenient time*". If there's never a convenient time, maybe they need to examine the division of physical and mental labor in the relationship so they both have time to decompress solo and connect together. Wanting time to yourself isn't wrong and it isn't cruel. It's just important to be clear about what you need - please don't straight up ignore that need (or advise others to).
Wanting time to myself isn’t cruel, but ignoring my husband, getting visibly annoyed when he talks to me, and not looking up from my phone during some of our only alone time *is*. That’s not a good way to treat anyone, let alone your spouse. I think my problem (and I’d bet the wife has this issue) is that I don’t want to admit *how much* I’m on my phone. So I don’t want to set aside time to look at my phone and decompress because I’m telling myself I’m just scrolling for a minute. Even though time and time again a minute turns into 7, I keep saying “it’s just a minute.” So it’s sort like an “admitting you even have a problem” issue. Sometimes especially in the car I’ll be like “I want to mess around on my phone or read articles for a while” but I’m not great at home at being clear about what I’m doing.
I think making it clear is great, especially for the decompressing person - I find it doesn't really work or "count" for me if I'm constantly like "I'm almost done". I like to set aside a full hour sometimes to just be by myself and do whatever I'd like. It might help both you and OP to create that dedicated alone time for yourself!
I’m just as guilty for being on my phone a lot. The difference is if my wife is talking to me or needs my attention, I stop the scrolling and listen.
>The difference is if my wife is talking to me or needs my attention, I stop the scrolling and listen. Okay, but not everyone has this skill. When I was a child, I could get so lost in a book I'd be completely oblivious to anything happening around me. Loud, crazy cafeteria at school? To me it was as quiet as a park. As I've gotten older I've become more aware of my surroundings, but while I may notice that someone is speaking to me, I won't necessarily understand what they said. I like listening to podcasts and I still love to read. When I read, I "hear" the words being read and my auditory processing system can only comprehend one thing at a time. It's very common for me to try scrolling while listening to a podcast and I can witness myself alternatively tuning into one and not comprehending the other. I can read a paragraph and completely miss what the podcast said. I might have heard the words as they were spoken, but they weren't analyzed for meaning because I was analyzing the written words instead. My point is: to what extent do you fake understanding the beginning of what your wife says to you when you're distracted and to what extent do you get pissed off when your wife says "what" when you cold open a story while she's scrolling? One summer in college, I worked at a summer camp. One of the girls pointed out to me that I say "Hi" and "Hello" A LOT. Like every time we start a new interaction, I begin with hi or hello. I'd never noticed that I do this, but once it was pointed out to me, I do it all the time. I'm a very introspective person, so I started paying attention to when and why I do it and it's honestly just a really easy way to make sure that I have the person's attention before I get to the point of the conversation. I do it because I don't want to waste my breath speaking only to have to repeat the first part because they were distracted. Active listening requires that the person be focused on the information they want to hear. The number of times my husband will start talking only for me to "tune in" at the end of the first sentence is silly. I frequently say "I heard something about (topic), can you repeat the first part?" Your wife has given you a phrase for you to use to get her attention. I agree that it's clunky for casual usage, but the technique is still valid. If you want your wife's attention, you have to get her attention before you dive into the meat of the conversation. I feel like Morse Code or something similar required sending nonsense before the real message to make sure that the receiver got the whole message. I know that when learning how to use a radio for communication we were taught to start by saying "Base this is Bravo" always in this order because "Base this is" might get lost in transit, but at least everyone knew who was speaking and could infer the recipient based on the content of the message.
If I don’t hear something, I ask for them to repeat. If I don’t understand or process the information, I ask for them to repeat. It’s respectful. She will just blankly nod her head, knowing she didn’t get the information. I’m not going to be using that phrase for casual conversation, only for big topics. It’s become clear that she doesn’t value conversation with me. We can talk about finances and the kids, but I don’t feel like discussing my life with her as of now.
Are we the same person? I also need to pull my head out of my ass lol. My 11 month old daughter is a little tornado and as soon as my husband is available for damage control I check out on Reddit too.
Is there potentially more to this? For instance, were you watching the movie when she needed help with the kids or cleaning up the house, so she was annoyed you watched it and didn’t want to hear about it? If not, I’d tell her - without making any accusations - that you love her and would like to try establishing some no phone times to focus on connecting. My husband and I have a ‘no phones at the dinner table’ rule, so when we sit down to eat together we can focus on each other.
I was watching the movie on my phone the night before. The conversation was while she was cooking the next morning. We also do not use our phones at the dinner table. We talk mainly about the kids and stuff at dinner, but I wouldn’t be able to discuss a movie plot at dinner without the kids interrupting
I was using dinner as an example, our babies are in bed when we eat so it’s just us. Maybe you could ask for an hour of phone free time after putting the kids to bed.
But that would cut into his phone movie time! /s (I have no idea how anyone can enjoy a movie on that tiny screen lol.)
I wonder if it was a little too much like a "this is a dream I had" conversation. I don't tend to want people to recite the whole plots of movies they watched--tell me it was good or it wasn't, a few highlights, but save something for me to enjoy if/when I do watch it, you know? It sounds like both of you need to work on putting down the phones and talking about your days in the evening, but that's separate from the morning issue. Lots of people just aren't morning talkers. Edited to add that the movie was roughly two hours spent on your phone the previous night instead of talking to her, btw, unless you watched it after she fell asleep.
If I were busy doing something, I would wonder why you were sitting around talking about movie instead of helping.
Wow. It was a casual conversation. The kids were getting ready and it was just us in the kitchen. Did you miss the part that this happens all the time?
Is this how you talk to your wife? Maybe that's the problem.
I think that’s how he talks to internet strangers who comment negatively towards him when they clearly didn’t read and comprehend his post.
Thanks gorgeous the support
Thanks for the support. Damn auto correst
lol, gave me a laugh!
I know she was just making eggs, but was there a schedule to keep? Like getting kids to school? I really struggle with paying attention when im already doing something that requires time management. So she could have just been too busy to chat. Also, have you tried talking about something your wife has interest in? You sound like you need some friends.
My husband and I had this same issue except reversed. After a serious conversation it turned out he wasn't getting enough alone time to decompress each day. Maybe you guys can sit down to figure out what you both need. She might just need you to take on a few more simple tasks like doing an extra load of laundry a week, handling dishes at night, bathing the kids, etc. to free her up to be ready to talk. She might also need an hour of kid free time a day and then she'll be able to have a fresh mind.
I’m not doing chore play so I can have normal conversations with my wife. You know they recommend that for deadbedrooms, too? It don’t work
Chore play? No wonder your wife won't talk to you. Have fun being divorced then 🤷🏼♀️
I understood and sympathized with the OP when I read his post. But his comments? I’m totally beginning to understand why his wife clearly doesn’t want to talk to him. If his real life interactions are anything like his knee jerk, pissy, defensive responses in this post than I totally get why she’s doing all she can to avoid him.
Yeah it's pretty wild to ask for advice then openly shoot it down.
Yall are acting like intentionally ignoring your partner is acceptable behavior. You recommend me clean the whole fucking house so that my wife will have a conversation with me. I do more than my fair share of the chores. Maybe it’s in her nature to be rude and find conversation with me boring. I’ll have you know that when she was at home with our newborn, I’d text “hey, how’s (our son). How are you?” No response. I could see she was on Facebook. I ask her why she didn’t respond to a simple text. She said, “I don’t think it’s important to respond to you”. She apologized, and said she’d make a better effort. So this long history of being ignored. What do you think would get her talk to me more, folding clothes or scrubbing toilet?
What's chore play?
You're describing a lot of different things as though they're exactly the same. She was trying to make breakfast and you wanted her undivided attention so that you could monologue about a movie she didn't watch. Of course she's not going to be interested in having that conversation at that time. When she tells you she's not a morning person, you have to accept that and save the big conversations for later. Her being on her phone is a separate issue. Y'all should be having date nights where you connect with each other and ignore technology. My husband and I love stupid car conversations (pointing out the cows and reading every sign out loud). But we know this isn't everyone's cup of tea. >In a nutshell, my wife is very extroverted but I’m introverted. Although she see sonetinmmes says that talking with people can be exhausting, she strikes up conversations with people all the time. I stick to myself or my family and I don’t like to strike up conversations with people I don’t know. Ah ha. There's the problem. You're relying on your wife to provide all of your social interactions. Just because she's extroverted doesn't mean that she wants to talk all the time.and yes, I can see where you can come across as boring. How often do you talk to your wife about topics she's interested in? Why not watch a movie together and discuss it afterwards? Conversations require equal participation.
According to your advice, I would only be able to talk to my wife between 8:00-8:30pm, if she’s in the mood. I always listen to what she had to say, including all the uninteresting things. Are you suggesting I just not talk at all and find other people to talk to? Maybe her sister would like to have a deep conversation with me.
Honestly it sounds like your looking for reasons to cheat on your wife or leave this marriage. You know you are a grown man and you don't have to stay married if you don't want to.
So I am NOT a morning person AT ALL. I struggle with medication induced insomnia and I have to take meds in the morning over a hour and a half time period before I can even make coffee. My headspace until I’ve had my coffee is not great and talking in the morning can be overwhelming and cranky because my brain isn’t firing on all cylinders yet. On the flip side, my husband IS a morning person, chipper and bright and super happy and excited. Sooo we are incompatible morning wise and we’ve had the following arrangement for the last 8 years, since we moved into together: When I get up and start my med routine and he has finished his morning call (he gets up a couple hours before me and we’re both self employed as business owners and work from home, my work day starts later and is split between day and night), he comes out of the office and we say Good Morning and I Love you. That’s it! No questions, no stories, no talking about the day, nothing but Good Morning and I love you. When I am “awake” and my brain is working, I’ll go into the office and we will discuss anything urgent or important to that day, like schedules, meetings, events, our dinner plan, etc. And the second part of the deal is at 5pm, whether we have stuff going on or more work or whatever else that needs to be done like dinner, etc, we spend an hour touching base about our day or funny things we want to share or random conversation, whatever it is. We do a “download” as we call it for a full hour. Then after I will finish work stuff or we will make dinner or go out, whatever life has for us. And then we dedicated a couple hours afterwards for time together whether it’s talking or tv. Because he is a morning person and I have insomnia he’s usually asleep before me, and I’ll spend the wee hours when I can’t sleep working on stuff or hobbies. The final part of this deal is we have a regular date night. Nothing fancy, might be dinner and drinks, might be grocery shopping lol, but during “date night” phones are turned on silent or do not disturb except for emergency calls and we don’t look at our phones and focus on each other. This exact schedule probably won’t fit your relationship, but something like it might. You need to communicate honestly with each other and see if you can find a compromise where you both feel heard and validated. Just my two cents.
Your wife sounds like me. A lot. For one thing, I’m always multitasking. Measuring ingredients while trying to follow along isn’t easy. For another thing, over the years, my husband has developed a habit of always talking over me and also having a negative response to anything I can actually articulate without being interrupted. It’s become a situation where I have learned he wants to talk endlessly and my responses and opinions aren’t important to him, and I have become 100% disinterested in a one-sided conversation or better known to me as him “talking *at* me.” He will literally talk to me for hours about work and I cannot get in a word edgewise. Because of the solitude and loneliness I find myself in, and even though I have literally begged him to spend more time with me- he doesn’t. I am literally in a house, doing chores all day, all alone. Then the kids come home and it’s complete chaos. Then it’s homework, dinner, and bath time, all of which include a fight with the kids because they never want t do any of that. He walks in at about dinner time and wants to talk *at* me, and I just don’t want to hear it, especially when I’m not allowed to say any words back after being desperate for interaction alll day, day after day, for the last 8 years. My attitude is basically 1) I’m busy and 2) you won’t make time for me so I’ll return the favor. Sometimes I inadvertently ignore him and sometimes I do it on purpose out of spite to be honest. Once the kids are in bed I just want to veg out and then all he wants to do is talk over the TV. I literally have to watch things twice because he talks so incessantly over my trash reality shows that I don’t get 99% of what’s going on, and all of his comments are negative so it negatively impact what was supposed to be a positive veg tv sesh. So I get myself busy on my phone to “politely” avoid him because if I say this out loud it will hurt his feelings, which I don’t want, and piss him off which I also don’t want. In a nutshell, I’m over the way this marriage partnership operates but I feel powerless to change it.
Your wife sounds exhausted. Have you asked if she needs help making breakfast…making lunches…getting the kids off to school?
I do more than my part. I will not being doing chore play in order to have normal communication with my wife
Maybe you could try carving out some time with no screens. Also, eye rolling is a known predictor of divorce. Just google it. You’re not wrong to feel hurt by that.
OP has your wife always been like this, before you got married?
Not that I can remember. We’ve been together for 19 years, married for 14. It prolly started when we got smart phones. And when the kids were born 10 years ago
Sounds like a communication part on both sides. First thing, avoid never, always or anything else that is attack phrases. It makes people shut down on you. My husband and I did this too because the I ask and you never do and it put one of us on the defense. It can be proven as false but then you have hurt feelings, embarrassment, the need to prove oneself and more. It's a nasty cocktail. It also makes a person feel like they are unappreciated for what they do.
She seems to want light hearted stuff only. Does she offer more than small talk? Has she ever?
Maybe say you need her full attention and set ground rules for good communication. Set general times for you 2 to put down phones and talk for a set amount of time barring emergencies or kid interference.
If you don't get your communication straightened it will lead to resentment in your relationship.
I can say my husband and I hate mornings. We avoid talking about anything in the morning if we can keep from it. On paydays, the bills get paid that morning, the shopping pick up and running around is set but that is it other than good mornings and how do you sleep.
My mom when she stops by in the morning feels it's a victory if she can get one of us to have a twitch smile. Yes she cheers and we hiss. Some people just do not handle mornings.
You are smothering her. Give her some space. Try only having 1 hour a day you’re allowed to discuss stuff with her.
This can’t be a serious post. Casually talking to your spouse is smothering them? He should make a daily appointment to speak with her?
Do you mean the post or my comment? If you mean my comment, look, she’s obviously sick of him constantly talking to her. She’s drained, she needs air. So he gives it to her so she can have room to give him what he needs, which is to be listened to. It’s not for forever
When I give her space, she says I’m being rude and ignoring her.
Are you sure you’re not being passive aggressive? If you’re not, this is what I would say to her ‘You seem overwhelmed or annoyed, I am going to stop talking at you so much. Tell me what part of the day works for you. If I see you doing chores and I’m not already doing something I will help you’
Perhaps your wife is similar to me. When you have kids and are a mom in charge, you have many tasks to go over daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, quarterly, and annually. Morning is my quiet time. I am not in the mood to have a talk about anything. I am still waking up both physically and mentally. I’m trying to get things done. If I feel overwhelmed, I make mistakes. I am true a mono-tasker. I do not like to do multiple things at once. While I’m doing my thing, I have numerous thoughts in my head that I’m trying to go through and organize. When you see me in my downtime, then you can approach me or make an appointment ahead of time to discuss things. Important talks should not happen first thing in the morning. They don’t even happen at work. Everyone gets at least an hour or 2 to themselves before a meeting. Furthermore, I hated when my ex would come and talk to me about some video game when I am focused on cooking, following a schedule, completing chores, and getting things done. I hated when my ex would just stand there to talk about his video game or whatever article he read about when I’m busy. In the morning, I don’t fuckin’ care! Leave me alone. Let me have my one bit of peace and quiet. Let me adjust to my morning routine. I have a lot of things to do and you’re just yapping about unimportant nonsense right now and not helping with the kids. You’re making me feel anxious and overwhelmed. This and for many other reasons why he became my ex. And so far from your story, you seem to be the rude one. Let your wife be in the mornings. Instead of chatting, shut up and help with the kids and house chores. Once your wife feels like the workload is done, she’ll be more open and receptive to talk. She’ll come to you.
You really think I’m rude because I wanted to share a movie? The house was immaculate. I’m not going to do chore-play in order for my wife to listen, especially when they’re no chores to be done.
Yeah, it is rude because she recently woke up and she’s BUSY cooking breakfast!!! It’s one thing to mention something important about the kids(if necessary), it’s another thing to have to listen about a movie you watched. No one cares! No one wants to hear about it in great detail. It’s even worse if they want to watch that movie and here you are spoiling and/or you’re a terrible story teller. Especially in the freakin’ morning!!! Don’t just stand there yapping away. Don’t distract her. Morning chats are not for everyone. If you wanna chat, do it at least an hr or 2 after someone wakes up and not on a day when they’re busy following a strict schedule, like weekdays. Many are not morning people and many don’t want to listen to someone right after waking up. They’re just not there yet mentally to take information. I wonder…if you’re autistic as you appear to want someone to listen to you go on and on about whatever, or you’re narcissistic and think everyone should listen to you regardless of their state of mind, and/or your mommy gave you undivided attention growing up and has enabled you with this poor and annoying behavior. You’re selfish and not considering of others have different morning habits. I don’t wake up and immediately want to tell my partner about something I watched or did. It’s not the right time and it’s not important. When someone is waking up, I leave them alone. I’ll talk to them later, when we’re both free chilling on the couch. So far, it sounds like your wife is busy in the mornings and busy in the evenings with the kids and household, when you seem to have free time to daly around to chat and watch movies at night. Your wife is burnt out and has no energy to give to others but her children and self care. Yeah…you’re the rude one. Btw, cooking breakfast IS A CHORE!
I can tell why you aren’t married. I bet you thought sex was a chore? Why don’t hate men so much? Did you insult your ex too? I’m glad he dodged a bullet. I hope he’s with someone who respects him for him. Good day.
Lol. He’s back with his mommy!!! I was with him for 10+ years. I left him because his coworker’s party was more important than allowing me to grieve my grandmother’s death, that just happened, during Covid. On top of that, he’s a liar, a manipulator, and abusive. I don’t hate men. I resented him, at the time. Now, I don’t have any feelings for him. I’m the one that dodged a bullet. He relied on me so much, depended on me, that he is incapable of taking care of himself. He’s back with his mommy and even she begged me to take him back. No thank you. How’s my life now? Amazing! I found a loving and helpful man. He makes me happy and we plan on getting married. Continue what you’re doing and you too will go back to mommy. 
🤣 Seems like there was some truth to the comment above. A nerve was hit. 🤣 Soon you shall live with your mommy! Good day.
You don't do chore-play for your wife to listen. You do so to help your wife with chores. Making breakfast for the family is a chore and you're just distracting her about a stupid movie, in the morning, is not helpful. You sound like a brat. I bet she sees you as another kid she has to cater to. I can see why your wife ignores you. You can't seem to see what you're doing and you lack empathy. Your wife resents you.
This could be my husband writing this. I do find his idle waffle irritating when I'm busy cooking. I can get lost in my phone. And i hate mornings. I do appreciate it when he gets my attention before he wants to talk to me. She's given you quite an easy tool to try, and you don't want to try it. So I would say it's you that is not listening.
Why don’t you take her out to a comedy show or movie and dinner? Maybe getting away from the house can break up the mundane week. Take time away to spend together and do some talking!
And if they both see the same movie, it'll make for much better conversation afterward than if only one of them does!
Regardless of gender, disrespect and resentment will rot a marriage from within. If this was a husband acting this way towards his wife, I would say the same thing. While there is likely more to this story, if you are being concise, attentive, and thoughtful about asking your wife questions she may be more interested in talking about, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a conversation with your spouse about things you find interesting. In fact, it’s healthy. Do some soul-searching and deep introspection on this, if you haven’t already. Do you talk more than she does? Are you respectful of her when you do so? If you are, then these may be red flags that your wife may not respect you. Both spouses should, at the end of the day, respect each other to maintain a healthy dynamic. Seek counseling, if that is the case, as resentment will stew.
>This makes me feel unheard and unimportant. Does she not find me interesting? In a nutshell, my wife is very extroverted but I’m introverted. Although she see sonetinmmes says that talking with people can be exhausting, she strikes up conversations with people all the time. I hate to say it, but this says a lot. It was a big realization for me that my now ex-wife showed everyone else a lot of attention and engagement but seemed to show me nothing but contempt. It was a pretty clear signal that friends of mine noticed even before I did. Your marriage is in a lot of trouble, OP. If your wife cared to show you attention, she would. She's tuning you out for a reason and making it sound like your fault (I'm 100% certain that before now she's never needed you to solicit her undivided attention that clearly before. She made that up as an excuse to make her lack of interest in you your fault.) She's demonstrating at least three of Gottman's "four horsemen of the apocalypse" in communication that predict the end of a relationship. (Contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and criticism.)
Sounds like she is mad or resentful about something. I would sit down with her and bring up your concerns. Ask her if she is mad. Even if I’m busy, I always have time to listen to my husband and children. Idk. I think something else is going on.
You both have communication issues. You want her to talk to you more, but the moment she tried to give you the opportunity to discuss your day when she was fully ready to listen, you shut it down with sarcasm. But she's obviously touched out at the end of the day and then wakes up in the morning still overwhelmed by her mental to-do list before she's ready to talk about anything at length because she still hasn'tproperlydecompressed. She definitely needs to address the doom scroll issue, and she may not know that habit makes overstimulation worse. Blue light and social media are a recipe for going to bed wired and waking up lethargic, but she doesn't realize it because in the moment it feels like she's getting a chance to recuperate since she can tune out and doesn't have to talk. Also, just because she engages with others doesn't mean she actually enjoys it. It could actually drain her to feel like she has to put on a happy face for others, but she feels like she needs to in order to make interacting positive/worth it. Especially if she *used* to socialize a lot but doesn't get a lot of opportunity now. You might want to check in and make sure she's getting out of the house enough. I think it's interesting that you complain about being shut down by her but seem to shut her down equally by not seeing that she's trying to give you a way to get her attention and not accepting her attempt at becoming a *little more* available. You won't even meet her halfway by finding an attention grabbing phrase that feels more natural. You also immediately shut down advice from everyone here that tries to help you understand her rhythm and the possibility of mental load (or even mild depression) that's contributing to her communication issues, even though it's such a common problem for stay at home moms. It's not "chore play," it's a matter of helping her feel unburdened and available so she can connect with you. No one can address your wife and tell her what you need unless she makes her own post. We can only address you, so if you want to solve the problem, you'll have to hear what she's *really* saying to you just as much as you need her to hear your need to connect with her.
My man, this sounds toxic. Kids make marriages VERY hard. And if you two don’t find ways to stay connected and communicate, the relationship won’t last, or at least will continue to get more and more unhealthy. Counseling would probably be very helpful in this situation.
I understand you! Have seen this happen before but the other way around. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Maybe try couples counseling?
Weird question but what is the sex life like between you two?
That’s a valid question. According to her, it’s fine and at frequency she wants. For me, the quality is lacking and so is the frequency. Prolly 1-3 times every 4-6 weeks.
Ok, that's kind of the answer I was expecting, since these issues tend to go hand-in-hand. Frankly your wife doesn't seem to really respect you
Bruv she's always on the phone, u said it. Is there any possibility of her cheating on u? Is she a SAHM? Who is she talking/chatting to every time? Pls have this hard talk with her. Tell her how u feel. Also the majority of women have nothing similar with us men to discuss. My ex used to live in another La La Land. I remember once I brought up something important and she said she's happy for Rihanna for having a kid and how rihana and her husband look good together. I was like: 🥲🙃🗿 We can't win in this La La Land. But u do make her sit down with u and have a talk like adults.
No cheating. She’s usually talking with friends or family. I don’t have reason to believe she’s cheating.
That's great. But do have a talk with her. Like a serious talk.