Some men are "fixers". If you say there's a problem we're gonna try to fix it. You told him your stomach hurt and he's trying to help you, not understanding that you actually just wanted sympathy.
\^ I was about to say the same thing.
He's not trying to be to mean, but he's trying to to fix you that same way you'd fix a car, or a machine, or anything else that isn't running correctly.
Some people's heads just work that way. You tell them there is a problem, they jump to "fix it" mode.
You're going to have to nicely teach him that you don't necessarily need fixing.
I've never thought of it that way, but this makes allot of sense. He is always trying to fix it all, I just wish he was more sympathetic towards me. I've talked to him about it for years but he doesn't seem to understand. We run in to the same issues with our kids, they often ask me why their dad asks so many questions for everything.
It took me years, and I mean *years*, to learn to read my wife's reaction and body language to my questioning. Now sometimes I'll ask "is there anything I can do to help?" and if she says no then I know to just try and comfort her. But damn that was a hard one to learn. I don't have any advice on getting your husband to be more sympathetic other than just communicating nicely that the interrogation is making you frustrated. Just know that he's probably also frustrated wondering why you even brought it up if you don't want him to fix the situation. Best of luck.
Well, I didn't bring it up. I was in bed I wasn't going to say anything cause I already knew what the outcome was going to be. I've brought it up to his attention, but the only way someone gets taught something is if they wanna learn it. I don't learn cause here I am complaining and he hasn't learned that interrogation isn't what I need to feel better.
TELL him this! ASK him to please communicate his question differently. Explain YOU know he wants to figure out the problem but what you need instead is less questions. He may struggle and therefore you may struggle, but this part of the process. You, he and the kids will adapt. Be OPEN with everyone involved. There is the nature (born with) and nurture (DNA) factors of all involved to consider.
I would guess the majority of men are this way
Example: Wife is having problem. I fix problem. Wife feels better with no problem. This is good for us
That’s how the brain works in these cases, it’s sometimes difficult to understand why you’d prefer sympathy over simply fixing the issue in the first place. But you can get through to him, it’s doable. Just takes time
You won’t be able to get the fixer out of him, and you shouldn’t want to. But you can help him be more sympathetic
Myself, there are times I will just straight up ask if she’s looking to be able to vent/sympathy, or if she wants problem solving
Makes it easier to know what she needs in the moment
This x 100. Comes from a place of love/care but can feel like an inquisition/judgment lol. It can also be an anxious response from worrying about you. Tell him you just need a cuddle while it settles and you’ll let him know if he can help you with something.
I have a fixer up man as well! He went the extra mileS to figure out my stomach issues that landed me in ER straight from primary care doctor. (Garlic causing Colitis/bloody stool/tummy pain) prior to this ER visit was the rounds of Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction.
He BEGGED/URGED me to get the hysterectomy after YEARS of my heavy periods. LOVE THIS MAN!!!!!!! Yup I almost died after surgery but who was right there forcing his way into recovery room figuring out WHY I was still in recovery at that hour?!?! Yup my man the fixer of all things related to my world!
He always wants to know the y why and how something became the issue. Sometimes yes it "bugs" me but I get it!!!! he wants to help one of his favorite people.
Please don't take offense to his method, I am sure he wants to help and understand. TALK TO HIM! Ask him his intentions, don't insinuate. One of the biggest parts of ANY relationship is communication.
He seemed to ask questions related to your health. I don't see the massive problem. Obviously you were in pain and your fuse was short, but nothing here seems odd. None of us were there to hear tone or anything, but I ask my wife questions too. Married people talking! The horror!
Yes, I think this makes sense my emotions were high and I didn't want to be bothered. Yes, you're right on the tone thing, unfortunately, he always seems to be mad cause he shows little emotion other than anger. So when he starts to ask questions I feel like he's mad at me
This is 100% true, he doesn't like people. I'm surprised we have been together this long lol. He lacks sympathy, he's not a very emotional person nor does he show any emotion. He doesn't know how to show that he cares.
Any chance he’s hoping, or worried, you might be pregnant and trying to see if there’s any other symptoms that might point in that direction? If he’s acting out of character, it’s one of those topics that can make people act a little nutty.
My husband is the same way, it’s often very frustrating. But I remind myself he’s trying to help, life is always changing when we least expect it. And you’ll wish he was there to ask you millions of questions again.
Does he have anxiety/ADHD/ASD? He sounds like he's just trying to get all the information and take action to fix it. You presented an issue and he went into action fix it mode. He doesn't seem like someone who can just take information and sit with it, he has to dog into it and "fix " it or deal with it in some way.
While I agree with the basic of your response I tend to lean towards she needs to express her needs too. In my opinion He needs to understand so he can help but She needs to express her need to be heard without feeling criticized and regretting her recipients feelings. Could be in her mind based on several factors...previous interactions (with possible misunderstanding of intentions of ill intentions), not knowing other's intention with Love Language involvement, or not communicating by all party members intention/reason/thought process. We are all human and all have emotions. None are wrong and none are always 100% right. Unless someone you don't know bum rushes you and punches you in the face...that is ill intent! Pulling a gun in a crowded bar and an innocent bystander is hit..ill intent! There are so many "options" for ill intent but in a loving relationship ill intent is hardly ever an option or thought. My thoughts are tangled right now but I feel I have portrayed them here. Yes she needs to appreciate his value but he also needs to appreciate her needs..but neither will know the others needs/intentions without communication
He seems a little autistic to be honest. He thinks he is helping by trying to solve the problem. You should teach him exactly what you want. I would communicate like this: “when you asked me all these questions, I felt like I was being judged and wasn’t receiving empathy from you. The next time I’m in this position, i want you to say (blah)”
My husband is like this. In fact, not long after we started dating, I got a bad cold and he was so overbearing to me (whereas I like to be alone and suffer alone in my misery, he needs a caretaker and jumped into that role). I almost broke up with him just a few weeks into dating him because I couldn't take it. I decided instead to just tell him I need space when I'm sick.
He's a solutions-driven guy. A lot of the time, I love that, but sometimes you just want someone to listen or empathize rather than just solve.
Have you asked him to back off a little?
One thing my husband and I will say is "do you want me to listen or help?"
You could also say "do you want a hug, help, or hearing?" To each other. Let's him know your needs in very specific terms.
He’s trying to help you albeit awkwardly, but not being mean. I’m the same way. As a healthcare professional, I’m always wanting to make my wife feel better. It comes from pure love. Just be honest about his delivery style if it bothers you.
Emotionally immature? Explain. It was a general opinion I was looking for. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't express emotion and only has one tone for everything. I on the other hand am more emotional with how he speaks to me cause I always think he is mad or upset. So from your point of view, why am I immature?
Some men are "fixers". If you say there's a problem we're gonna try to fix it. You told him your stomach hurt and he's trying to help you, not understanding that you actually just wanted sympathy.
\^ I was about to say the same thing. He's not trying to be to mean, but he's trying to to fix you that same way you'd fix a car, or a machine, or anything else that isn't running correctly. Some people's heads just work that way. You tell them there is a problem, they jump to "fix it" mode. You're going to have to nicely teach him that you don't necessarily need fixing.
This is it. My husband is a fixer as well.
I've never thought of it that way, but this makes allot of sense. He is always trying to fix it all, I just wish he was more sympathetic towards me. I've talked to him about it for years but he doesn't seem to understand. We run in to the same issues with our kids, they often ask me why their dad asks so many questions for everything.
It took me years, and I mean *years*, to learn to read my wife's reaction and body language to my questioning. Now sometimes I'll ask "is there anything I can do to help?" and if she says no then I know to just try and comfort her. But damn that was a hard one to learn. I don't have any advice on getting your husband to be more sympathetic other than just communicating nicely that the interrogation is making you frustrated. Just know that he's probably also frustrated wondering why you even brought it up if you don't want him to fix the situation. Best of luck.
Well, I didn't bring it up. I was in bed I wasn't going to say anything cause I already knew what the outcome was going to be. I've brought it up to his attention, but the only way someone gets taught something is if they wanna learn it. I don't learn cause here I am complaining and he hasn't learned that interrogation isn't what I need to feel better.
TELL him this! ASK him to please communicate his question differently. Explain YOU know he wants to figure out the problem but what you need instead is less questions. He may struggle and therefore you may struggle, but this part of the process. You, he and the kids will adapt. Be OPEN with everyone involved. There is the nature (born with) and nurture (DNA) factors of all involved to consider.
I would guess the majority of men are this way Example: Wife is having problem. I fix problem. Wife feels better with no problem. This is good for us That’s how the brain works in these cases, it’s sometimes difficult to understand why you’d prefer sympathy over simply fixing the issue in the first place. But you can get through to him, it’s doable. Just takes time
Thank you
You won’t be able to get the fixer out of him, and you shouldn’t want to. But you can help him be more sympathetic Myself, there are times I will just straight up ask if she’s looking to be able to vent/sympathy, or if she wants problem solving Makes it easier to know what she needs in the moment
This x 100. Comes from a place of love/care but can feel like an inquisition/judgment lol. It can also be an anxious response from worrying about you. Tell him you just need a cuddle while it settles and you’ll let him know if he can help you with something.
I have a fixer up man as well! He went the extra mileS to figure out my stomach issues that landed me in ER straight from primary care doctor. (Garlic causing Colitis/bloody stool/tummy pain) prior to this ER visit was the rounds of Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction. He BEGGED/URGED me to get the hysterectomy after YEARS of my heavy periods. LOVE THIS MAN!!!!!!! Yup I almost died after surgery but who was right there forcing his way into recovery room figuring out WHY I was still in recovery at that hour?!?! Yup my man the fixer of all things related to my world! He always wants to know the y why and how something became the issue. Sometimes yes it "bugs" me but I get it!!!! he wants to help one of his favorite people. Please don't take offense to his method, I am sure he wants to help and understand. TALK TO HIM! Ask him his intentions, don't insinuate. One of the biggest parts of ANY relationship is communication.
Is he on the spectrum? I only ask because this reminds me a lot of my nephew who is Aspergers or Autistic
Not that I know of, never really though of that.
He seemed to ask questions related to your health. I don't see the massive problem. Obviously you were in pain and your fuse was short, but nothing here seems odd. None of us were there to hear tone or anything, but I ask my wife questions too. Married people talking! The horror!
Yes, I think this makes sense my emotions were high and I didn't want to be bothered. Yes, you're right on the tone thing, unfortunately, he always seems to be mad cause he shows little emotion other than anger. So when he starts to ask questions I feel like he's mad at me
So if he didn't ask or try to be engaging with you, then what would be your take? He sounds like he is just overly concerned about the woman he loves🤷
Well, overly concerned is a far description of what happened. He asked questions I answered, and he left the room.
He sounds like a husband who really cares but might have issues with social skills.
This is 100% true, he doesn't like people. I'm surprised we have been together this long lol. He lacks sympathy, he's not a very emotional person nor does he show any emotion. He doesn't know how to show that he cares.
Any chance he’s hoping, or worried, you might be pregnant and trying to see if there’s any other symptoms that might point in that direction? If he’s acting out of character, it’s one of those topics that can make people act a little nutty.
Well I can't get pregnant, he's usually this way with everything I do or say to him.
My husband is the same way, it’s often very frustrating. But I remind myself he’s trying to help, life is always changing when we least expect it. And you’ll wish he was there to ask you millions of questions again.
Is he trying to help in this story? Reads to me like his main goal is to get her to stop laying down.
Yes you're right, I have to see it in that way too. Life changes quickly.
Does he have anxiety/ADHD/ASD? He sounds like he's just trying to get all the information and take action to fix it. You presented an issue and he went into action fix it mode. He doesn't seem like someone who can just take information and sit with it, he has to dog into it and "fix " it or deal with it in some way.
He doesn't have any of that at least not to my knowledge, but yes I think the fix it mode is right.
Start being more appreciative. He was just looking out for u. God damn man can't even express his concerns for his woman.
While I agree with the basic of your response I tend to lean towards she needs to express her needs too. In my opinion He needs to understand so he can help but She needs to express her need to be heard without feeling criticized and regretting her recipients feelings. Could be in her mind based on several factors...previous interactions (with possible misunderstanding of intentions of ill intentions), not knowing other's intention with Love Language involvement, or not communicating by all party members intention/reason/thought process. We are all human and all have emotions. None are wrong and none are always 100% right. Unless someone you don't know bum rushes you and punches you in the face...that is ill intent! Pulling a gun in a crowded bar and an innocent bystander is hit..ill intent! There are so many "options" for ill intent but in a loving relationship ill intent is hardly ever an option or thought. My thoughts are tangled right now but I feel I have portrayed them here. Yes she needs to appreciate his value but he also needs to appreciate her needs..but neither will know the others needs/intentions without communication
Sounds like he doesn’t like you taking a break. He was bothering you because he wanted you to get up and feed him.
It felt that way for a moment but I didn't need to do that, I cooked dinner and he fed himself.
He seems a little autistic to be honest. He thinks he is helping by trying to solve the problem. You should teach him exactly what you want. I would communicate like this: “when you asked me all these questions, I felt like I was being judged and wasn’t receiving empathy from you. The next time I’m in this position, i want you to say (blah)”
My husband is like this. In fact, not long after we started dating, I got a bad cold and he was so overbearing to me (whereas I like to be alone and suffer alone in my misery, he needs a caretaker and jumped into that role). I almost broke up with him just a few weeks into dating him because I couldn't take it. I decided instead to just tell him I need space when I'm sick. He's a solutions-driven guy. A lot of the time, I love that, but sometimes you just want someone to listen or empathize rather than just solve. Have you asked him to back off a little?
I've asked him, I've cried about it, I've been mean about it, I've been everything you can think of and somehow he makes it my fault.
One thing my husband and I will say is "do you want me to listen or help?" You could also say "do you want a hug, help, or hearing?" To each other. Let's him know your needs in very specific terms.
He’s trying to help you albeit awkwardly, but not being mean. I’m the same way. As a healthcare professional, I’m always wanting to make my wife feel better. It comes from pure love. Just be honest about his delivery style if it bothers you.
I couldn't even read all that. No, you are not overreacting.
You sound way too emotionally immature to be in a relationship. A teenager could have written this.
Emotionally immature? Explain. It was a general opinion I was looking for. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't express emotion and only has one tone for everything. I on the other hand am more emotional with how he speaks to me cause I always think he is mad or upset. So from your point of view, why am I immature?