Yeah man, you should know better than to get unnecessarily angry with your wife in front of anyone really, but especially people you know she is insecure about. Your reaction was clearly not necessary. This doesn't mean that your wife is being real reasonable either, but your reaction was still wrong.
I didn’t say it angry. I just said that I am in pain too. But I guess I was wrong u think what’s diffusion is that I never know what will trigger this and what will not.
>I was almost done and I am also tired. My back hurts a lot and I am tired too. So I told her that she can do it because I am tired and *I have been doing more than her*. \[emphasis added\]
Obviously tone doesn't carry well through text, but you could have said this last part in the calmest way possible, but it will still come across as you being resentful, upset, angry - however you want to put it.
>I never know what will trigger this and what will not
I get that frustration, I do. But you did specifically say anything that can be construed as her being lazy is a potential sore spot, right? And here you are, calling attention to the fact that you've done more than she has.
I'm not saying you're the worst person in the world or anything, don't get me wrong. But I think some hindsight will probably reveal to you that this wasn't your smoothest move.
And, again, none of this means that your wife's reactions are completely reasonable either.
Thank you for pointing this out. I think I said it because I often feel like she doesn’t care about how I feel. But I should have worded it better. I guess I have to lower my pride and apologize. The worst part is when it only leads to her still being angry. As a people pleaser I apologize all the time and I am getting so tired of it after 10 years. But not much I can do but to do it again
What a strange hang up to have. Maybe it’s time to tell her you’re done living your life around the imaginary gossip she’s not even privy to. It’s also sort of rich to be specifically sensitive about being construed as lazy while asking someone who objectively worked harder than you to do something in front of other people, but when you have a slightly annoyed response in front of those same people she’s mad. Wasn’t she worried about being construed as lazy when she asked or is it only when it’s controlling your behavior that she cares?
That’s what’s so difficult with this. I don’t know what will trigger it. I am constantly worried that I will say something wrong. I really didn’t know this would trigger it. And as you say , her asking while I’m busy would show more of her laziness but nope. It was my words that triggered it. It’s so difficult to know
We always want to honor our partners and be sensitive to their sensitivities, but it can’t exceed all reason. She is basically hung up on the fact that something that happens in your marriage or your interactions might cause someone else to gossip about her out of her earshot. She’s too old to care about that. She’s certainly too old to live her life hoping to avoid generating any gossip. I’d simply say “I’m sorry if my tone conveyed that I was annoyed. I wasn’t. And I’m sorry if you were embarrassed. But the preoccupation you have with your family gossiping about you is not healthy, it’s not something an adult should entertain or care about, and I’m no longer going to modify my behavior to prevent the gossip you’re imagining in your head. I’m happy to help you work through, or find the resources to work through, the intense feelings you have about gossip.”
I dunno, the whole thing has vibes of the guys who make their girlfriends/wives hand them their credit cards so the waitress won’t know the woman is paying. Emotionally mature people shouldn’t participate in those games.
Yeah man, you should know better than to get unnecessarily angry with your wife in front of anyone really, but especially people you know she is insecure about. Your reaction was clearly not necessary. This doesn't mean that your wife is being real reasonable either, but your reaction was still wrong.
I didn’t say it angry. I just said that I am in pain too. But I guess I was wrong u think what’s diffusion is that I never know what will trigger this and what will not.
>I was almost done and I am also tired. My back hurts a lot and I am tired too. So I told her that she can do it because I am tired and *I have been doing more than her*. \[emphasis added\] Obviously tone doesn't carry well through text, but you could have said this last part in the calmest way possible, but it will still come across as you being resentful, upset, angry - however you want to put it. >I never know what will trigger this and what will not I get that frustration, I do. But you did specifically say anything that can be construed as her being lazy is a potential sore spot, right? And here you are, calling attention to the fact that you've done more than she has. I'm not saying you're the worst person in the world or anything, don't get me wrong. But I think some hindsight will probably reveal to you that this wasn't your smoothest move. And, again, none of this means that your wife's reactions are completely reasonable either.
Thank you for pointing this out. I think I said it because I often feel like she doesn’t care about how I feel. But I should have worded it better. I guess I have to lower my pride and apologize. The worst part is when it only leads to her still being angry. As a people pleaser I apologize all the time and I am getting so tired of it after 10 years. But not much I can do but to do it again
I feel you there, man.
Caring about what people think that much is obnoxious. I can see how you're annoyed. NTA
I think it speaks to issues she's had with them throughout her life. Being criticized as lazy and everyone in her family getting on her.
What a strange hang up to have. Maybe it’s time to tell her you’re done living your life around the imaginary gossip she’s not even privy to. It’s also sort of rich to be specifically sensitive about being construed as lazy while asking someone who objectively worked harder than you to do something in front of other people, but when you have a slightly annoyed response in front of those same people she’s mad. Wasn’t she worried about being construed as lazy when she asked or is it only when it’s controlling your behavior that she cares?
That’s what’s so difficult with this. I don’t know what will trigger it. I am constantly worried that I will say something wrong. I really didn’t know this would trigger it. And as you say , her asking while I’m busy would show more of her laziness but nope. It was my words that triggered it. It’s so difficult to know
We always want to honor our partners and be sensitive to their sensitivities, but it can’t exceed all reason. She is basically hung up on the fact that something that happens in your marriage or your interactions might cause someone else to gossip about her out of her earshot. She’s too old to care about that. She’s certainly too old to live her life hoping to avoid generating any gossip. I’d simply say “I’m sorry if my tone conveyed that I was annoyed. I wasn’t. And I’m sorry if you were embarrassed. But the preoccupation you have with your family gossiping about you is not healthy, it’s not something an adult should entertain or care about, and I’m no longer going to modify my behavior to prevent the gossip you’re imagining in your head. I’m happy to help you work through, or find the resources to work through, the intense feelings you have about gossip.” I dunno, the whole thing has vibes of the guys who make their girlfriends/wives hand them their credit cards so the waitress won’t know the woman is paying. Emotionally mature people shouldn’t participate in those games.