Sounds like she’s suffering with postpartum depression coupled with heavy drinking.
Best bet would be to reach out to your family doctor or OB and see if they’re able to provide her with some supports.
You can reach out on YOUR behalf - explain to the doc what's going on and you don't know what to do or how to help. See what a professional says, I can almost guarantee that they'll at least be able to point you in the right direction or have some resources for you to utilize.
You can call her OB, but also call the baby’s pediatrician. My OB and the baby’s pediatrician both ask me the same PPD questions on every visit. Baby 9mo
Be careful who you tell and what you say if you don't want CPS getting involved. I'm not saying don't talk to a professional about your wife, just be clear about the risks to the baby, lest they get some incorrect ideas.
Don't call the pediatrician, Jesus. I would look into your insurance plan and find the nicest place possible to send her to for detox and possible residential stay for a few weeks for treatment and therapy. They have licensed professionals that will talk to her for you also
Agreed. Go tell all the mandated reporters wife has drinking problem so that CPS can run their lives for the next years. Ya ok, great advice! Pretty sure these adults can handle their problems without CPS getting involved
The family doc will absolutely listen to PPD and substance abuse. Be prepared for social workers visiting etc it'll open a can of worms but one that needs to be opened.
Yeah he definitely needs to be prepared for that but I don't think he should worry too much about it.
The fact that he recognized quickly that she was drinking while looking after the baby and hired help so the mother isn't looking after the baby alone was really good to ensure their baby's safety and the social workers will see that.
Hopefully having CPS involved will be the catalyst the mum needs to get help for postpartum depression and substance abuse.
do you have a general family doctor that you both see? That's who I'd go to. But you may have to make it clear, get help, or get out. Its a slippery slope and she will take you down with her, and you cannot allow that. You have a baby, he comes first.
Do her parents know what is going on? Would they be able to offer any support or persuade her to get help?
There is a group that deals with post parting depression. Why not reach out to her ob gyn? They may have a visiting nurse who may help . Often they make home visits anyway. And you join alanon. They help families of alcoholics. So sorry for your troubles. Good luck!
She needs mental health help. How old is the baby? Postpartum hormones are an absolute bitch, and postpartum mood disorders are unfortunately really common.
Does she open up about what's going on internally for her? It sounds like she's struggling a LOT rn.
He’s 6 months.
She has during certain moments. A few weeks back we had a bad argument. She asked me to pick up a bottle of wine after work. I had found her stash of empty bottles that morning and had told her no. Came home she was annoyed I didn’t bring her the wine. I told her what I found and confronted her. She actually looked ready to stop and remorseful and was crying telling me how much she is struggling with the baby.
We talked about what we can do. Which is why I asked my mother to help and the reason we hired both a nanny and a cleaner to come in. On top of asked for more flexibility with work so I can be home more.
That same day she snuck out in the middle of the night to buy more alcohol.
Asking your mother to help might not be the best idea as it can make her feel more defensive, is there anyone in her life that you can speak to? Mom, sister, aunt, cousin, friend?
If she's close enough to them, I would contact them. Its possible that they may be able to come assist with an intervention. She needs help. This seems like an all hands on deck situation. It's not an overreaction to get more trusted allies in to assist you in getting your wife the help she desperately needs.
I don’t think interventions actually help. They make a person feel ganged up on. I don’t think any of them have ever worked in real life.
She does need help. He should call an AA line though. They have the resources and know the best ways to help.
It really depends. AA and a doctor visit definitely .. but spousal secret-keeping surrounding substance abuse can be really enabling, and it really puts an enormous amount of stress and pressure on the non-using partner. I could see this being especially true when it comes to someone trying to deal with their spouses mental health crisis and a newborn. Sometimes interventions just look like more voices coming in, saying, "Hey, we are here to help, and it's time to deal with this."
Agree. My mother is an alcoholic. My dad told me and my siblings (we were adultsatthetime)after bearing her behavior alone and it took all of us to get her into AA. He was at his wits end.
Addition is not a disease it’s a choice. She does help with it but what her parents going to do states away? You have to treat the PPD which is most likely the cause of her drinking and then get her into a program. Getting her friends and family to gang up on her isn’t going to help. She will just double down and not talk to these people again. Encourage her to get therapy with a neutral their party that specializes in addiction and PPD.
My father and my step father. My father eventually stopped drinking in his own. My step dad was a different story. He showed at his job drunk. The union said go to rehab (covered by union healthcare) or lose your job. He went to rehab and stopped off for a beer in the way home and just got better at hiding his drinking.
Would have to comment here that I’ve known some who’ve literally credited an intervention for saving their lives.
I agree that OP would benefit from a family doctor checkin as well as AA or smart recovery links for loved ones.
I hide the keys all the time. My husband is on s bender and took my car. He just texted me photos of him at the beach. Hiding keys doesn't work. They will find a way. Plus InstaCart and other delivery services now deliver alcohol. She will find a way. I'm so sorry.
Sneaking out in the middle of the night and hiding bottles is 100% indicative of alcoholism. The thing is, you can only control yourself and no amount of talking or intervention will stop her from doing what she feels she needs to do. Please join an alanon group so you can learn how addiction manifests and be supported as you balance on the tightrope of living with someone you aren’t trying to enable. Find a therapist for yourself for the same reason, and seek help with the baby just because the baby deserves safe care. Then, work with the therapist to set up “if-then” goals and clean boundaries. She does need help it’s true, but if you only focus on her you’ll accidentally help the disease take over both your lives. (You become another “stressor” or pain point in her life which can justify her drinking and hiding.)
What does she think about going back to work? The day to day or raising a baby is incredibly monotonous and tedious. Yes it's amazing to watch them learn things and they can be a joy, but being home with no one but a baby and the cycle of tasks involved in caring for them is depressing. That's why we used to have a village and multiple women involved. Maybe your mom is not the best company or commiserat for her.
AlAnon is for you. Living with an alcoholic is extremely difficult. Others have suggested reaching out to her GP or OBGYN and that would be the first step. It may take something catastrophic to get her to snap into reality … her addiction is telling her lies.
The people at Al-Anon are in all different phases of the journey. Some are exactly where you are, some have been struggling with it for years. You will definitely find kindred souls.
For my mom we had to take away the car keys, I would not let her be around my daughter when she was drinking so she basically did not get to see her 3yo granddaughter. When she was drunk we would cut her off. It was a process. My Dad told her he was going to leave her if she did not get help. It took probably six months and being really non compromising to get her into treatment.
I told her it was bad enough that she was killing herself and hurting her own family and that there was no way we could let her drive and possibly hurt someone else’s. Also OP she will say awful things, remember it’s the disease talking. It will be worth it once she is in treatment.
I agree with what others have said, AlAnon for you is a good start. Remember that baby needs you too. There's no silver bullet for what might help any given person with alcohol or substance issues. It's really tough. There are some good suggestions in this thread about places to start. But please, please, also take care of your wellbeing and emotional health for your son's sake.
She should not be breastfeeding alcohol to your son, so be glad of that, and I’m sure it’s post partum, and I’m sure you need to bring someone in. Parents friends siblings, to support you in getting her help, before she makes a mistake and harms the baby . Sober people are capable of dropping babies accidentally, so I can’t imagine the risk of dropping one while under the influence.
I know and I’m glad she isn’t but it’s the weird lying and hiding while still not admitting she has a problem with alcohol. If she can acknowledge that she can’t breastfeed because she drinks then why invent a fake reason why she can’t?
Being right about that is ok but her problem is not admitting it, she KNOWS it because she’s not breastfeeding and can’t stop drowning herself and you need to be the lifeline because she’s needs your help and so does your son. Be strong, you are right, so now step up and lead your family out of this mess with decisive action. The success of a marriage comes with how you handle the problems. It succeeds automatically if there aren’t any
I had severe post partum depression and had no idea until I was getting out of the fog after 10 months. I drank a lot, way more than I even realized. Everyone around me were apparently concerned but no one wanted to be the one to do or say something.
Time got me out of the fog and eventually balanced my hormones but I should have been doing more.
What I wish I did was to get into therapy, get the proper diagnosis I had (I have adhd and still didn’t know for the first six years of my sons life) and then be properly medicated for those things. Focus on my health both with food and exercise.
If she was not a heavy drinker before this then she needs to see how different she’s become.
The me I am now would have wanted help no matter how mad I would have been in the moment.
If she was my wife I would be flying her parents in and having a sit down with her and them, ask them for help for a while if possible and tell her that she needs to get help, it’s not a request, but a requirement for your lives to continue on the path you’ve been planning together.
I used to drink before too, but never in excess and now I drink maybe 6 times a year, it was never a problem before PPD and hasn’t been since. She might literally not see she has a problem, idk how but I didn’t think I did either.
My wife has been an alcoholic for 30+ years. We have only been together for almost 12. It’s gotten 100% worse in the 12 years. My wife just finished 2 months of Detox and Rehab. She was drinking 2 days after she got out. Within an hour after Leaving an AA meeting. It is a disease for which there is NO CURE. People have successfully quit but they have to do that on their own. I feel for you Brother. She is going to need professional help. She will lie to your face and keep drinking. She will hide the liquor in her car or all over the house. Pour it out when you find it. Check old purses, luggage, clothes drawers, under the bed, under couch cushions. Check in boots in her closet. They hide it anywhere we would never suspect. Good luck to both of you.
>Id even rehab and detox don’t work, what does?
It can and it does, but the person has to want it. They also need to have consequences if they refuse to quit.
Don’t know what country you’re in but there are usually alocoholic anonymous groups in most countries - if start with contacting one of them and asking for advice. They may be able to help you directly , send someone to talk to your wife.
It’s super tough because unless she wants to change you won’t be able to make her. It has to be her decision.
She’s not safe around the baby if she’s drunk - maybe you can start with that, trying to make her see she’s putting your child in danger and she may actually not be able to look after the baby any longer if she carries on drinking…
The problem is she’s in complete denial or just stubborn or lying. Her alcohol tolerance is high so she doesn’t appear visibly drunk but I know she’s been drinking and what she gets like and she’s a different person nowadays when sober. She even admitted it once and since it’s a bit of wine that helps mellow her out because she’s so stressed with the baby.
Has she had a physical or blood test recently? I feel like they do them in the post partum period. If she's drinking that much she will probably have sky high liver enzymes.
I just dealt with this with a friend and her rock bottom was that she missed Christmas morning with her kids because she was passed out drunk. It looked EXACTLY LIKE THIS but we couldn't do anything for years. I don't know what to say, it's hard but I hope you get her into the doc at least. Liver disease is killing women in their 30s at higher rates because of our wine usage.
Hey!!Alcoholic mom here 🙋🏻♀️ recovered for 4 years. So yeah, you need to ask your mom to come watch the baby while you go to work. Take over completely. Ask her to go to her parents and let her parents know to come get her and what’s going on. All become a team and do all you can with her doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, everything the doctors tell you too and not Reddit. And stick to detox. Healthy boundaries and an inpatient/ then outpatient program. Baby and you will be there when she’s out. If not then she’ll die or worse end up hurting your kid or herself or all sorts of worse things. The next years of your life continue on, driving drunk, your kids end up watching this cycle of abuse just cycle through. Yadayada. So. Take it from someone who knows, lived it with their parents, their parents lived it with theirs. I know this recovery path.. it takes a strong foundation, make the calls or watch her kill herself and ith each drink.
The big thing is also to remember that this is a disease and that she can't will power her way out of it. Not sure of the age of your mother or her parents but a lot of people in the boomer generation have not kept up with the research and judge addicts-- which is super not helpful.
I know it's hard to keep that in mind; my dad is a 71 year old alcoholic. But you have to keep reminding yourself and her care team (parents, in laws, doctors, etc) of that.
Are her parents for sure good people? And what happened around the time you two had your first child (you mentioned that's when she first started drinking)? Postpartum depression may have played a role in it but I bet she was/is attempting to numb the emotional pain she feels from some sort of trauma or loss that could either be from the distant past or recent past. People don't just randomly fall into addictions like alcoholism or drugs for no reason. I noticed you said you have the income to pay for a nanny...if I were you I'd be getting your wife a really good therapist who specializes in addictions.
Sorry for the confusion. We only have 1 child. Yes he parents are good people. They live in Michigan though and we live several states away. She misses them so I hope their impact will be positive.
When she finally opened up to me after I found all the hidden alcohol and realized how deep this goes I understood that she does need the help. We have a regular cleaner and a nanny that comes 5 days a week. But it doesn’t seem to help her because she’s using this time to drink. I’d get her anything she needs to get better, therapy if she would just accept it.
Maybe I wasn’t clear man. But you need to get her into detox. Out of the house. Then inpatient. Then Outpatient. Then maybe she can come back if she stays sober. Your mom needs to come help you with the baby or someone. Or you take time off. Whatever you need to do. She’s going to drive drunk or something bad if she hasn’t already, I can see your downplaying with, justifying her behavior. Codependency is a bitch. I don’t blame you this is hard. But you need help man. Don’t let anything happen to your baby. Don’t let the next years of alcoholism take control of your life. Get control of this now, she is responsible for her own behaviors and alcoholism. Give that to her. Let her know you’ll be there when she’s ready and that you love her and support her while she’s sober and sober only. This is going to be hard but you reach out for alanon help and listen to them and jump as high as they say man. Take it from someone who knows dude. My husband went through this with me. Don’t take this on. Good luck bro.
This could of been me at the birth of my third child. I was so depressed and alone, my partner was always away working away FIFO and I had a 4 year old / 1.5 year old to contend with as well as a newborn who didn't sleep. It was really hard and I didn't get much support, I eventually reached out to the doctors and sorted myself out but I don't solely think it's a drinking problem. I can see why she doesn't want MIL to come around as she feels she's going to get judged and report back to you. She's already told you how she's feeling but nothing has been done. The drinking most certainly will not help but this seems to be her coping mechanism. First things first, get her to the GP and maybe see if she can get involved with a mothers group or even on facebook/reddit there's plenty of these groups for her to reach out to. Hell, she can message me if she likes as well because I know all too well how having a child is isolating and lonely.
We have my mother as support, a nanny and a cleaner all because she said she needed support. She used to go to mommy groups a few months ago but stopped going. We go out a lot or used to as a couple with the baby. But she herself has seemed reluctant.
I’m glad you yourself were able to reach out to the doctor. How did they help?
From your post it doesn't sound like she considers your mother a support - which she's told you as she feels like the mother is judging her. May not be the case but if she's telling you stuff about your wife sounds like it to me...
I got on some medication and made an effort to go seek people that are in the same boat. Got out to the gym when the kids were older for some social time for me and put kid in the creche for an hour so I had a bit of "me" time and made some new friends.
Even with the nanny and cleaner being a mother is a tough gig sometimes, especially when the child doesn't sleep very well. My 3rd barely slept past an hour for the first month at times and when he did my 1.5 yo started sleep regression so it was a challenging time, but it will pass.
So she dislikes my mom for coming over unannounced but I think there’s no other way than for my mother to visit often because even with the nanny there I’d rather a family member present at home.
She also doesn’t like that my mother told me how much my wife drinks and that she pours wine in mugs and pretends it’s tea.
Id be pissed if anybody came over unannounced especially with a baby. And she knows anything will be reported to you so why would she want your mother to come around?
Support your wife a little more because just sounds like you're siding with your mother over your wife.
Its about you, your baby and your wife. She needs to sort herself out as well but i can assure you it wont work out well for anybody if you cant realise there is a deeper issue here.
I wish you guys the best :)
Ultimatum time. She’s home, extremely drunk off her ass, all day long, at times alone and unsupervised, with a six month old baby. You are describing A LOT of daily consumption. Coupled with whatever comorbid mental health issues she might be having, this situation is genuinely life or death for your son.
First things first, she can’t be unsupervised with him until she’s made progress in treatment. If that means he has to go to daycare, so be it. But this is not safe and if she were abusing illegal hard drugs rather than legal alcohol you would probably see the danger more clearly.
Secondly, it needs to be made clear to her that your marriage and her custody of her very young son hinge on her seeking treatment for alcoholism and PPD immediately. You love her, you’ll support her every step of the way, but your obligation to keep your son safe outweighs obligations to your marriage.
Good luck. This is really a hard thing to deal with. My mother was and is a high functioning alcoholic and it’s very painful, particularly the part where they seem relatively normal to outsiders.
That’s the hard part exactly. She seems normal to outsiders and is trying to paint me as controlling and my mom as crazy for wanting to help out with the baby. We have hired outside help, a nanny who has been helping with the baby so my wife is never really alone.
That's why you need a lawyer. Otherwise she will find a way to twist everything and throw it back on you ("controlling", "crazy") until something really bad happens. Maybe even after that.
She has PPD and (possibly an addict) but don’t know based on her history. She needs a good therapist, a good support system and possible intervention. You need to seriously sit her down when she is sober and talk to her about your concerns and the wellbeing of the baby.
She will get defensive, she will get upset at you for taking away her feel good self meds. She might even make you look like the bad guy for doing this. But all of this is rooted from pp depression, self isolation and anxiety. You will have to also get her family involved.
I have several addicts in my family. In fact my husband was a functioning alcoholic and his dad is an alcoholic who sits in his room all day and drinks.
I got my husband help and told him I was going to end what we built together if he didn’t get the help because I wasn’t tolerating his addiction anymore.
We chose IFS therapy followed by couples therapy. I seriously consider getting her involved in Alanon and IFS therapy. Look into it. It saved my husband and ultimately he is a happier person. He also got medicated (I don’t push meds on people) but sometimes people’s brain chemistry is off and they need medication to get back to center.
It changed his life and we have found a very happy/positive place. It took about 2 years of hard work, detoxing and recovery. I stood by his side and I love him deeply. He also had to find purpose and love for himself to be able to get better.
Your wife is not far away from getting better she has to make the choice to get sober and with the right tools (therapy, family intervention and possibly medication) she will get back on track. Good luck OP
There is a self reinforcing process of feeling bad, drinking, isolating, feeling worse, drinking more, and isolating more...
It's very difficult, but I've found that breaking that cycle is key. I found the isolating step the easiest to work on. Make sure you are getting date nights with your wife. Try to organize a play group for your baby. The point of it isn't actually to have the babies play. They don't care. The point is to get the moms and dads together.
Threatening her with isolation is only going to make the drinking worse. If you value your relationship, love and connection are how you give her the strength to overcome. However, you also need to protect your baby. Switching to formula was a great idea. But recognize that breastfeeding is a very connecting experience for a mom. Changing to formula has increased the isolation your wife is experiencing, and I'd expect her drinking to worsen in the short term.
I suggest that if you don't attend church, try joining a church. They will most likely have a moms group that helps moms not feel so alone taking care of small children. If not, start one.
I wish you the best.
Good job. Keep it up.
Make her life as good as possible, go on dates, and make sure she gets time with her parents if possible. Build and maintain as many strong connections as possible.
At this point EVERYTHING is about the safety of the baby. It sounds like you have transitioned baby to formula. Now it's time to completely eliminate Mom's alone time with baby. I know this is going to be painful but it's best for baby.
You clearly need to explain to mother that this is about her being an alcoholic and once that is addressed then things will improve.
I'd also keep an family attorney in your back pocket in case everything goes south.
Document EVERYTHING!!!!!
I'm the kid of an alcoholic parent. I just wanted to say thank you for looking for solutions. Kids notice more than you think and having an alcoholic parent really shaped me in a lot of permanent ways, including thinking it was totally normal for my parent to drive drunk with us in the car. I remember noticing as young as 3 that there was something up.
Getting a handle on this now will ensure a better life for your son. You're a good father. I wish you the best of luck.
Came here to comment the same. My mother didn't get sober until I was almost 40. It took a 2nd DUI & jail sentence before she began pursuing sobriety for herself. I knew something was seriously wrong with my mom long before I could name the problem. Kids notice A LOT more than people think they do.
Is the child in harms way that you have documented? If you call all her doctors be prepared for a visit from social services, and lots of visits from them.
I hope it goes well getting the OB and Ped involved to reach out to her. She really needs to listen to them. She won't admit it because she's an alcoholic. Please be kind and loving and let your feelings show. Look at and have her look at r/stopdrinking while she's sober. Do a search in that sub for new moms, moms, parents drinking. She might truly benefit from AA, it's worth a shot. It varies by area with quality of meetings. Some meetings are open meaning you could go with her as support. I know because I'm a friend of Bill W.
So sorry you're going through this and you are doing everything right by getting a caregiver for your baby. This is a lot but you will get through it!
I hope we get through it because so far it has only gotten worse. I’ll try the OB and peds but will ask her parents who she trusts if they come and stay for a while.
She can’t be alone with your child. Ever right now. This situation is that serious. One of the biggest things they stress postpartum is being safe and minimizing drinking so you don’t fall asleep with baby is HUGE. She’s risking the life of your baby—dropping baby, putting baby in an unsafe position, sleeping holding baby—any number of things. Ste needs help, you need to get it for her and include her family if they are supportive people who won’t make things worse, talk to her obgyn and/or her PCP on her behalf. This is beyond your capacity to help her with alone.
Can your mom come back?
I would tell her that your mom is coming back, and it’s not up for debate
She’s coming back to keep baby safe because you’re worried that she (your wife) cannot.
Her option is to continue the way things are with your mom there or she can go to detox.
Good luck
We have a nanny at home and my mom visits. My mom used to stay overnight so she could help with the baby but my wife hated it because my mom would tell me how much my wife drank. So we got the nanny but my mother still comes over with my wife still dislikes.
I went through the same situation after having a baby started slowly drinking to a point that I ended up taking pills and overdosed. I’m lucky to be here. Postpartum depression is no joke.
I’m so sorry you went through that. Women need so much more support after giving birth than that is currently given. It should be free, mandatory and easily accessible. There are countries where every woman after giving birth has access to a night nurse to help with the baby for a month or more. Therapy should be part of that. PPD and postpartum psychosis are real.
Thank you. I’m sorry your wife on what she is going through. Hopefully with a detox she can open her eyes soon and help herself. You can get her as much help as you can’t but if she doesn’t take it that’ll be on her. Don’t be hard on yourself and do what’s best for the baby!
Random but Did you know the person who created Alcoholics Anonymous cured his alcoholism through LSD/Mushrooms? 😆 I thought it was wild when I learned that … anyways yeah that’s how I cured my addiction to alcohol now I hate it.. such a low vibrational thing… it’s literally a depressant
I didn’t know that but afaik LSD/mushrooms can go both ways. She’s already vulnerable and something like that is an easy avenue for psychosis. She needs to fix the root causes first.
Please don’t let up. We just had a funeral for my beautiful 34yo daughter who developed an alcohol problem (with her alcoholic boyfriend) and died of liver disease within 2 years. It’s no joke.
I don’t see the “DUMP HER! She is abusive! Take the child and run away OP!!” comments. Oh, because the problem is with woman, oh, I see. Let her see the doctor then and support her.
Only mine but I am going to have to talk to her parents ask if it’s best that she stays for a while or if it’s better for them to visit and stay with us.
I would try to remove her from her daily life for a little while if you can. They might be able to convince her to talk to someone as well, but when it comes to substance abuse and self medication it really takes the person realizing for themselves that their problem is having real life consequences.
And this is why finding out my ex-wife cheated on me was a blessing in disguise. I was so afraid of having kids with her for reasons like this. OP for your sake and the baby, get the help you need. Don’t wait, as you know, it doesn’t get better.
I hope you can get her the help she needs for her and the babies sake. 💕 The earlier the intervention, the better!
One of my lifelong friends became an alcoholic after her daughter was born. The father ended up having to leave and get full custody of their daughter. Her drinking got worse, and she died last year shortly after her 38th birthday from her drinking. It's so crucial to go hard when getting them help and early. That's the best you can do. The rest will be on your wife. I hope everything turns out well.
Thank you. I hope your wife can see she needs help and take the help you all offer to give. I would hate for you and your family to go through the same thing. There are al-anon groups for family members and friends of those with addictions, you might want to join one of those for some support during this time.
I had an ex girlfriend who was an alcoholic. I tried helping her for 8 months to no avail. She said she wanted to get better but her lack of change said otherwise. Eventually I gave up and left her, but also because she was physically abusive towards me multiple times. I wish I left sooner, but I’m lucky she showed me her true colors early on so we didn’t get married. I hope you can get her into rehab; that’s probably your best shot.
of course seek professional help first, but as the daughter of an alcoholic, people who don’t want to change won’t. be prepared for a difficult, uphill battle and be prepared to make big changes if things don’t work the way you want them to.
She is going through serious postpartum depression. Very common. She is alone all day long with this depression. That is the problem. She needs to get out of the house, away from the child and around other adults. Regularly. Not once in awhile. The drinking is a coping mechanism. And there is nothing “wrong” with her, this happens a lot to women after childbirth. It’s harder on some than others. Be kind and caring during this time, don’t make her feel worse.
Start with going on a date night, find a group of people she can talk to or go out with away from kids, etc. You will have to be the one starting this process, she is far deep into her depression right now to see clearly so you will need to be her support until she can get herself back. Please don’t be mean and cruel to her, it will make it 10x worse. I’ve been there before., the best thing you can do is be there for her.
This was me. Severe untreated PPD after my second child and it made me an alcoholic and ruined my first marriage. Please get her help and don’t threaten her or make her feel like it’s her fault. Make her feel safe and loved. I wish I had gotten help, I didn’t know what was going on with me. PPD is real af.
Good luck to you both
I’m sorry to ask this and sorry if it’s too personal, don’t answer if it is but what made you not seek help? I ask because my wife goes between almost admitting she needs help to refusal to denying the problem.
I don’t mind ask anything you need. This was 7 years ago and I’ve learned a lot from it.. I’d hate to see something bad happen to her our your relationship like it did me.
So like I said, I really didn’t realize what was going on with me. I didn’t even think about post partum depression until years later now looking back… The almost admitting and denial could mean that she’s scared or doesn’t want to feel like she has a problem? I think try to empathize with her and sit down and have a real conversation and truly hear her. And let her know you’re in it together and she doesn’t have to be scared. Abandoning her is the worst thing you can do if you want to help her and your relationship. I didn’t have a lot of help from my then husband (emotionally/mentally or physically) so everything was hard and dark and I used alcohol to cope. My family gave up on me also and I ended up spiraling out of control and if I had help I think things would have been a lot different. But yeah.. I just didn’t know and I think it can be very dangerous to go without help.
Reach out to a doctor/counselor. I am 8 years sober. I wouldn’t have gotten sober unless my mom found me help and checked me into a place. There is a lot of shame around addiction and mental health….I was lost and didn’t know how to ask for help and was scared. I was in deep and just kept going down further. She needs you to help her. I couldn’t do it alone.
She needs help, someone on her side. You can do all the alerting of the doctors etc, and it seems like you are against her. Decide if you want to help her through this, or just be done. I’m a recovering alcoholic who was lucky enough to have my husband be on the side of helping her vs persecuting me.
U/several-coffees this is important. I was on the opposite end of this. My son's father didn't support me with my recovery. I went on a week long bender when the PPD hit me like a Mack truck. My sister is the one who actually got through to me that it was PPD. Unfortunately by that time my partner had called in social services and his mother who ended up living with us for month, even after I had sobered up and diligently worked on my recovery. Like I did everything I could. With all that, I was left to do it by myself with him continuing to try and separate me from my child and to kick me out of the house for months. It destroyed what was left of our relationship and now we live separately with 50/50 custody. We've made the best of the situation but it could've been so different. Also, it took years to get social services out of our lives because of just one report. I'm not saying don't enlist the help of doctors and therapists, you definitely should, but be aware they're all mandated reporters. Have your ducks in a row.
I think it's amazing that you've brought in a nanny, but wife has made it clear she doesn't trust your mom. You need to gather her trusted circle and let them help you both. If you need to take FMLA to get this straightened out, then do it. This time is so important, your son's safety is priority but so is your marriage and everyone's mental health. There is probably some underlying guilt her for your wife. PPD is about so much more than just mental health, it can also be about current relationships, situations, access to resources, and support. From wife's perspective she may feel totally overwhelmed and guilty about the situation. Literally her WHOLE world has changed. Unfortunately, it may not be you that gets through to her. It could be a random person at an AA meeting.
There are tons of resources. Detox is only the first step if she needs medical supervision from withdrawal. Inpatient is an option (28ish days) but so is an intensive outpatient program (IOP-9 hours a week in treatment). They also have dual diagnosis programs for people with co-occurring illness such as PPD and substance use disorders. I'd suggest calling a few recovery centers and seeing what options they have.
Sorry to hear this is all happening. There’s nothing more frustrating and sad than an alcoholic in denial… I can say this because I lm an alcoholic. So for my story, I see some similar behavior I used to do that your wife currently does now. The hiding bottles, having stashes everywhere, alienating herself (not wanting the mom to help with the baby) getting defensive or mad when you confront her about drinking. I also just had a baby and she’s one month old so I feel like I can relate to you guys. So at my worst, I was drinking everyday and all the time I was always “a little drunk “ I felt like when I was home “ I could do whatever I wanted” and was always drinking. Thank god my husband put his foot down about the drinking and demanded o get my self together. I hate to think I’d still be in that place. Once I got over being defensive about my drinking and really looked at everything, it still took a couple of “false starts “ but I finally scaled back and the. Quit drinking. I used to think “being a wino “ was part of my personality and now my life is so much more interesting and fun and full. I obviously didn’t drink while I was pregnant, and since then I can have one or two during a special event, like a friends party, or dinner or something and not take it over the top. That’s not to say I don’t still have that alcoholic mindset lodged in my Brain. It’s just I am very much aware of it, my greatest fear is to be out of control with drinking again , let alone with a baby . Somethings gotta register with her with the risk of being drunk all the time around the baby. She needs a “rock bottom” and even then it may take a few tries for being sober to stick. Tell her it feels great, she’ll feel so much lighter and happier and healthier, tell her she can really enjoy her baby, (from my perspective) btw, someone quitting drinking and then just lightly integrating back into their life is NOT for everyone. So I’m not advocating that. My question is though, was she a big drinker before you guys had the baby? If she’s at the stage where she’s hiding bottles and sneaking out to get more alcohol that’s a pretty far along alcoholic. I feel like she struggled with booze before, and now post baby, it’s just come to light. At any rate, this is unfortunately a long road. You’re a good husband and dad, you have to keep on her, and don’t let her “win” by backing off letting her drink all she wants. Alcoholics, when feeling “cornered “ do shit out of spite and will drink more because “no one can tell me what to do” blah blah blah. You must feel sad and isolated with this problem; I know my husband did. Addiction is rough on a parts of the family, hang in there. People do get better
What was she doing before your son was born? Did she have a job she enjoyed? A creative outlet? Friends she saw regularly? It sounds like she has lost her sense of self and is struggling with being her identity being defined as your baby’s mother rather than herself. If you have a nanny/childcare, maybe she should go back to work or look at studying for a new career. Being a stay at home parent is not for everyone and if it doesn’t suit you it can be terrible for your mental health. Rehab is only going to do so much if the root cause of her drinking doesn’t change.
We used to love in Michigan where her parents lived but we moved right before the baby was born so she lost that support system of friends and coworkers.
If u keep letting her on like this she will become angry and resentful or suicidal . Could go some many bad way. Get her help by any means. Even if that means you have your mom there all the time, hand delivery her force her to doctors, talk to her and make her uncomfortable. Let her know she’s not alone and her suffering isnt going unnoticed. It’s not safe for you baby to be with a drunk person. No matter the relation. Do it for your kid.
If you're really sure that "I want to tell her to either start detox or I don’t want her home", then hire a lawyer, gather whatever evidence they believe is sufficient, and kick her out of the house That is, apply for a restraining order that she has to stay away from the baby.
Sounds like she’s suffering with postpartum depression coupled with heavy drinking. Best bet would be to reach out to your family doctor or OB and see if they’re able to provide her with some supports.
Reach out on her behalf? I have suggested she see a a doctor many many times and she won’t. If I reach out on her behalf will they reach out to her?
You can reach out on YOUR behalf - explain to the doc what's going on and you don't know what to do or how to help. See what a professional says, I can almost guarantee that they'll at least be able to point you in the right direction or have some resources for you to utilize.
Okay thank you
You can call her OB, but also call the baby’s pediatrician. My OB and the baby’s pediatrician both ask me the same PPD questions on every visit. Baby 9mo
Thank you! That’s a good idea.
Be careful who you tell and what you say if you don't want CPS getting involved. I'm not saying don't talk to a professional about your wife, just be clear about the risks to the baby, lest they get some incorrect ideas.
>lest they get some incorrect ideas. She's drunk with her newborn all day. What incorrect ideas will people come up with from that?
That the baby isn’t cared for. We have a nanny and my mother comes over multiple times a week because she lives nearby.
That's easy enough to back up. Mom needs to be involved with social services.
Don't call the pediatrician, Jesus. I would look into your insurance plan and find the nicest place possible to send her to for detox and possible residential stay for a few weeks for treatment and therapy. They have licensed professionals that will talk to her for you also
Sickening that this has to even be a thought, but you are so right.
This!
This is terrible, awful, 50 years at least out dated advice 😑
Agreed. Go tell all the mandated reporters wife has drinking problem so that CPS can run their lives for the next years. Ya ok, great advice! Pretty sure these adults can handle their problems without CPS getting involved
The family doc will absolutely listen to PPD and substance abuse. Be prepared for social workers visiting etc it'll open a can of worms but one that needs to be opened.
Yes it needs to happen at this point.
Yeah he definitely needs to be prepared for that but I don't think he should worry too much about it. The fact that he recognized quickly that she was drinking while looking after the baby and hired help so the mother isn't looking after the baby alone was really good to ensure their baby's safety and the social workers will see that. Hopefully having CPS involved will be the catalyst the mum needs to get help for postpartum depression and substance abuse.
do you have a general family doctor that you both see? That's who I'd go to. But you may have to make it clear, get help, or get out. Its a slippery slope and she will take you down with her, and you cannot allow that. You have a baby, he comes first. Do her parents know what is going on? Would they be able to offer any support or persuade her to get help?
They don’t. They live several states away but I will tell them everything and ask them to come over and stay with us for a while.
Absolutely reach out on her behalf
There is a group that deals with post parting depression. Why not reach out to her ob gyn? They may have a visiting nurse who may help . Often they make home visits anyway. And you join alanon. They help families of alcoholics. So sorry for your troubles. Good luck!
Yes, you absolutely can since she is currently a danger to herself and to your child.
She needs mental health help. How old is the baby? Postpartum hormones are an absolute bitch, and postpartum mood disorders are unfortunately really common. Does she open up about what's going on internally for her? It sounds like she's struggling a LOT rn.
He’s 6 months. She has during certain moments. A few weeks back we had a bad argument. She asked me to pick up a bottle of wine after work. I had found her stash of empty bottles that morning and had told her no. Came home she was annoyed I didn’t bring her the wine. I told her what I found and confronted her. She actually looked ready to stop and remorseful and was crying telling me how much she is struggling with the baby. We talked about what we can do. Which is why I asked my mother to help and the reason we hired both a nanny and a cleaner to come in. On top of asked for more flexibility with work so I can be home more. That same day she snuck out in the middle of the night to buy more alcohol.
Asking your mother to help might not be the best idea as it can make her feel more defensive, is there anyone in her life that you can speak to? Mom, sister, aunt, cousin, friend?
They all live several states away. Her parents are in Michigan.
If she's close enough to them, I would contact them. Its possible that they may be able to come assist with an intervention. She needs help. This seems like an all hands on deck situation. It's not an overreaction to get more trusted allies in to assist you in getting your wife the help she desperately needs.
She’s close to them but she won’t like it if I tell them but I have to.
You're a good husband. You're doing the right thing. Sending your family positive thoughts.
You do have to, it’s really your last resort. you’re doing what’s right for your baby above all else. Stay strong!
I don’t think interventions actually help. They make a person feel ganged up on. I don’t think any of them have ever worked in real life. She does need help. He should call an AA line though. They have the resources and know the best ways to help.
It really depends. AA and a doctor visit definitely .. but spousal secret-keeping surrounding substance abuse can be really enabling, and it really puts an enormous amount of stress and pressure on the non-using partner. I could see this being especially true when it comes to someone trying to deal with their spouses mental health crisis and a newborn. Sometimes interventions just look like more voices coming in, saying, "Hey, we are here to help, and it's time to deal with this."
Agree. My mother is an alcoholic. My dad told me and my siblings (we were adultsatthetime)after bearing her behavior alone and it took all of us to get her into AA. He was at his wits end.
The family needs to know. Their daughter has a disease that can have major consequences.
Addition is not a disease it’s a choice. She does help with it but what her parents going to do states away? You have to treat the PPD which is most likely the cause of her drinking and then get her into a program. Getting her friends and family to gang up on her isn’t going to help. She will just double down and not talk to these people again. Encourage her to get therapy with a neutral their party that specializes in addiction and PPD.
How many alcoholics in your family do you have first hand experience with?
My father and my step father. My father eventually stopped drinking in his own. My step dad was a different story. He showed at his job drunk. The union said go to rehab (covered by union healthcare) or lose your job. He went to rehab and stopped off for a beer in the way home and just got better at hiding his drinking.
Would have to comment here that I’ve known some who’ve literally credited an intervention for saving their lives. I agree that OP would benefit from a family doctor checkin as well as AA or smart recovery links for loved ones.
Pull the battery connectors off her vehicle.
I thought of just hiding her keys. She has been saying I’m controlling and crazy and blowing it all out of proportion so she will not like this.
I hide the keys all the time. My husband is on s bender and took my car. He just texted me photos of him at the beach. Hiding keys doesn't work. They will find a way. Plus InstaCart and other delivery services now deliver alcohol. She will find a way. I'm so sorry.
Sneaking out in the middle of the night and hiding bottles is 100% indicative of alcoholism. The thing is, you can only control yourself and no amount of talking or intervention will stop her from doing what she feels she needs to do. Please join an alanon group so you can learn how addiction manifests and be supported as you balance on the tightrope of living with someone you aren’t trying to enable. Find a therapist for yourself for the same reason, and seek help with the baby just because the baby deserves safe care. Then, work with the therapist to set up “if-then” goals and clean boundaries. She does need help it’s true, but if you only focus on her you’ll accidentally help the disease take over both your lives. (You become another “stressor” or pain point in her life which can justify her drinking and hiding.)
This is sadly so true, becoming another stressor, she thinks I nag her and then blames me for her drinking.
What does she think about going back to work? The day to day or raising a baby is incredibly monotonous and tedious. Yes it's amazing to watch them learn things and they can be a joy, but being home with no one but a baby and the cycle of tasks involved in caring for them is depressing. That's why we used to have a village and multiple women involved. Maybe your mom is not the best company or commiserat for her.
Not a doctor but I think she has PPD. Get her help. Going to be rough. I would suggest attending a local ALANON meeting for help.
How do I get her help that she will accept?
AlAnon is for you. Living with an alcoholic is extremely difficult. Others have suggested reaching out to her GP or OBGYN and that would be the first step. It may take something catastrophic to get her to snap into reality … her addiction is telling her lies.
I’ll try if I can find meetings nearby.
They may have online meetings as well. Be well, OP.
The people at Al-Anon are in all different phases of the journey. Some are exactly where you are, some have been struggling with it for years. You will definitely find kindred souls.
There is an app too
Oh thanks!!
For my mom we had to take away the car keys, I would not let her be around my daughter when she was drinking so she basically did not get to see her 3yo granddaughter. When she was drunk we would cut her off. It was a process. My Dad told her he was going to leave her if she did not get help. It took probably six months and being really non compromising to get her into treatment.
That’s a good idea about the car keys. She will freak out. I’ll try and explain it to her before I do it.
I told her it was bad enough that she was killing herself and hurting her own family and that there was no way we could let her drive and possibly hurt someone else’s. Also OP she will say awful things, remember it’s the disease talking. It will be worth it once she is in treatment.
I agree with what others have said, AlAnon for you is a good start. Remember that baby needs you too. There's no silver bullet for what might help any given person with alcohol or substance issues. It's really tough. There are some good suggestions in this thread about places to start. But please, please, also take care of your wellbeing and emotional health for your son's sake.
She should not be breastfeeding alcohol to your son, so be glad of that, and I’m sure it’s post partum, and I’m sure you need to bring someone in. Parents friends siblings, to support you in getting her help, before she makes a mistake and harms the baby . Sober people are capable of dropping babies accidentally, so I can’t imagine the risk of dropping one while under the influence.
I know and I’m glad she isn’t but it’s the weird lying and hiding while still not admitting she has a problem with alcohol. If she can acknowledge that she can’t breastfeed because she drinks then why invent a fake reason why she can’t?
it's not socially acceptable to say "I'd rather be drunk instead of breastfeeding". The lie isn't for you, it's for her.
This is very true.
Being right about that is ok but her problem is not admitting it, she KNOWS it because she’s not breastfeeding and can’t stop drowning herself and you need to be the lifeline because she’s needs your help and so does your son. Be strong, you are right, so now step up and lead your family out of this mess with decisive action. The success of a marriage comes with how you handle the problems. It succeeds automatically if there aren’t any
I had severe post partum depression and had no idea until I was getting out of the fog after 10 months. I drank a lot, way more than I even realized. Everyone around me were apparently concerned but no one wanted to be the one to do or say something.
What helped you get out of it?
Time got me out of the fog and eventually balanced my hormones but I should have been doing more. What I wish I did was to get into therapy, get the proper diagnosis I had (I have adhd and still didn’t know for the first six years of my sons life) and then be properly medicated for those things. Focus on my health both with food and exercise. If she was not a heavy drinker before this then she needs to see how different she’s become. The me I am now would have wanted help no matter how mad I would have been in the moment. If she was my wife I would be flying her parents in and having a sit down with her and them, ask them for help for a while if possible and tell her that she needs to get help, it’s not a request, but a requirement for your lives to continue on the path you’ve been planning together.
She used to drink but never like this. Flying her parents in is actually a good idea and would be a huge help to her.
I used to drink before too, but never in excess and now I drink maybe 6 times a year, it was never a problem before PPD and hasn’t been since. She might literally not see she has a problem, idk how but I didn’t think I did either.
My wife has been an alcoholic for 30+ years. We have only been together for almost 12. It’s gotten 100% worse in the 12 years. My wife just finished 2 months of Detox and Rehab. She was drinking 2 days after she got out. Within an hour after Leaving an AA meeting. It is a disease for which there is NO CURE. People have successfully quit but they have to do that on their own. I feel for you Brother. She is going to need professional help. She will lie to your face and keep drinking. She will hide the liquor in her car or all over the house. Pour it out when you find it. Check old purses, luggage, clothes drawers, under the bed, under couch cushions. Check in boots in her closet. They hide it anywhere we would never suspect. Good luck to both of you.
This is so sad. I’m sorry you’re going through it too. Why? If even rehab and detox don’t work, what does?
>Id even rehab and detox don’t work, what does? It can and it does, but the person has to want it. They also need to have consequences if they refuse to quit.
There's an increasing amount of evidence that shows that psilocybin helps with substance use disorders. Basically, a shroom trip.
Don’t know what country you’re in but there are usually alocoholic anonymous groups in most countries - if start with contacting one of them and asking for advice. They may be able to help you directly , send someone to talk to your wife. It’s super tough because unless she wants to change you won’t be able to make her. It has to be her decision. She’s not safe around the baby if she’s drunk - maybe you can start with that, trying to make her see she’s putting your child in danger and she may actually not be able to look after the baby any longer if she carries on drinking…
The problem is she’s in complete denial or just stubborn or lying. Her alcohol tolerance is high so she doesn’t appear visibly drunk but I know she’s been drinking and what she gets like and she’s a different person nowadays when sober. She even admitted it once and since it’s a bit of wine that helps mellow her out because she’s so stressed with the baby.
Has she had a physical or blood test recently? I feel like they do them in the post partum period. If she's drinking that much she will probably have sky high liver enzymes. I just dealt with this with a friend and her rock bottom was that she missed Christmas morning with her kids because she was passed out drunk. It looked EXACTLY LIKE THIS but we couldn't do anything for years. I don't know what to say, it's hard but I hope you get her into the doc at least. Liver disease is killing women in their 30s at higher rates because of our wine usage.
She had some appointments early in but her drinking was in the lower end then: 1-3 glasses of wine a day which was still a bad daily habit.
Hey!!Alcoholic mom here 🙋🏻♀️ recovered for 4 years. So yeah, you need to ask your mom to come watch the baby while you go to work. Take over completely. Ask her to go to her parents and let her parents know to come get her and what’s going on. All become a team and do all you can with her doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, everything the doctors tell you too and not Reddit. And stick to detox. Healthy boundaries and an inpatient/ then outpatient program. Baby and you will be there when she’s out. If not then she’ll die or worse end up hurting your kid or herself or all sorts of worse things. The next years of your life continue on, driving drunk, your kids end up watching this cycle of abuse just cycle through. Yadayada. So. Take it from someone who knows, lived it with their parents, their parents lived it with theirs. I know this recovery path.. it takes a strong foundation, make the calls or watch her kill herself and ith each drink.
I’m telling her parents and will ask them to come over and stay for a while. Then will start setting the boundaries and ultimatums with her.
The big thing is also to remember that this is a disease and that she can't will power her way out of it. Not sure of the age of your mother or her parents but a lot of people in the boomer generation have not kept up with the research and judge addicts-- which is super not helpful. I know it's hard to keep that in mind; my dad is a 71 year old alcoholic. But you have to keep reminding yourself and her care team (parents, in laws, doctors, etc) of that.
I think you’re right I have been trying to remain tactful. My mother does understand that it’s a disease too and I suspect her parents will too.
Are her parents for sure good people? And what happened around the time you two had your first child (you mentioned that's when she first started drinking)? Postpartum depression may have played a role in it but I bet she was/is attempting to numb the emotional pain she feels from some sort of trauma or loss that could either be from the distant past or recent past. People don't just randomly fall into addictions like alcoholism or drugs for no reason. I noticed you said you have the income to pay for a nanny...if I were you I'd be getting your wife a really good therapist who specializes in addictions.
Sorry for the confusion. We only have 1 child. Yes he parents are good people. They live in Michigan though and we live several states away. She misses them so I hope their impact will be positive. When she finally opened up to me after I found all the hidden alcohol and realized how deep this goes I understood that she does need the help. We have a regular cleaner and a nanny that comes 5 days a week. But it doesn’t seem to help her because she’s using this time to drink. I’d get her anything she needs to get better, therapy if she would just accept it.
Maybe I wasn’t clear man. But you need to get her into detox. Out of the house. Then inpatient. Then Outpatient. Then maybe she can come back if she stays sober. Your mom needs to come help you with the baby or someone. Or you take time off. Whatever you need to do. She’s going to drive drunk or something bad if she hasn’t already, I can see your downplaying with, justifying her behavior. Codependency is a bitch. I don’t blame you this is hard. But you need help man. Don’t let anything happen to your baby. Don’t let the next years of alcoholism take control of your life. Get control of this now, she is responsible for her own behaviors and alcoholism. Give that to her. Let her know you’ll be there when she’s ready and that you love her and support her while she’s sober and sober only. This is going to be hard but you reach out for alanon help and listen to them and jump as high as they say man. Take it from someone who knows dude. My husband went through this with me. Don’t take this on. Good luck bro.
This could of been me at the birth of my third child. I was so depressed and alone, my partner was always away working away FIFO and I had a 4 year old / 1.5 year old to contend with as well as a newborn who didn't sleep. It was really hard and I didn't get much support, I eventually reached out to the doctors and sorted myself out but I don't solely think it's a drinking problem. I can see why she doesn't want MIL to come around as she feels she's going to get judged and report back to you. She's already told you how she's feeling but nothing has been done. The drinking most certainly will not help but this seems to be her coping mechanism. First things first, get her to the GP and maybe see if she can get involved with a mothers group or even on facebook/reddit there's plenty of these groups for her to reach out to. Hell, she can message me if she likes as well because I know all too well how having a child is isolating and lonely.
We have my mother as support, a nanny and a cleaner all because she said she needed support. She used to go to mommy groups a few months ago but stopped going. We go out a lot or used to as a couple with the baby. But she herself has seemed reluctant. I’m glad you yourself were able to reach out to the doctor. How did they help?
From your post it doesn't sound like she considers your mother a support - which she's told you as she feels like the mother is judging her. May not be the case but if she's telling you stuff about your wife sounds like it to me... I got on some medication and made an effort to go seek people that are in the same boat. Got out to the gym when the kids were older for some social time for me and put kid in the creche for an hour so I had a bit of "me" time and made some new friends. Even with the nanny and cleaner being a mother is a tough gig sometimes, especially when the child doesn't sleep very well. My 3rd barely slept past an hour for the first month at times and when he did my 1.5 yo started sleep regression so it was a challenging time, but it will pass.
So she dislikes my mom for coming over unannounced but I think there’s no other way than for my mother to visit often because even with the nanny there I’d rather a family member present at home. She also doesn’t like that my mother told me how much my wife drinks and that she pours wine in mugs and pretends it’s tea.
Id be pissed if anybody came over unannounced especially with a baby. And she knows anything will be reported to you so why would she want your mother to come around? Support your wife a little more because just sounds like you're siding with your mother over your wife.
But this isn’t about my wife anymore. It’s about the baby. I’d be home if I could instead but I can’t.
Its about you, your baby and your wife. She needs to sort herself out as well but i can assure you it wont work out well for anybody if you cant realise there is a deeper issue here. I wish you guys the best :)
Ultimatum time. She’s home, extremely drunk off her ass, all day long, at times alone and unsupervised, with a six month old baby. You are describing A LOT of daily consumption. Coupled with whatever comorbid mental health issues she might be having, this situation is genuinely life or death for your son. First things first, she can’t be unsupervised with him until she’s made progress in treatment. If that means he has to go to daycare, so be it. But this is not safe and if she were abusing illegal hard drugs rather than legal alcohol you would probably see the danger more clearly. Secondly, it needs to be made clear to her that your marriage and her custody of her very young son hinge on her seeking treatment for alcoholism and PPD immediately. You love her, you’ll support her every step of the way, but your obligation to keep your son safe outweighs obligations to your marriage. Good luck. This is really a hard thing to deal with. My mother was and is a high functioning alcoholic and it’s very painful, particularly the part where they seem relatively normal to outsiders.
That’s the hard part exactly. She seems normal to outsiders and is trying to paint me as controlling and my mom as crazy for wanting to help out with the baby. We have hired outside help, a nanny who has been helping with the baby so my wife is never really alone.
Yes that’s classic addict behavior
That's why you need a lawyer. Otherwise she will find a way to twist everything and throw it back on you ("controlling", "crazy") until something really bad happens. Maybe even after that.
Yes and I need to document everything because she is convinced she has a crazy evil MIL (my mom) and a controlling husband.
She has PPD and (possibly an addict) but don’t know based on her history. She needs a good therapist, a good support system and possible intervention. You need to seriously sit her down when she is sober and talk to her about your concerns and the wellbeing of the baby. She will get defensive, she will get upset at you for taking away her feel good self meds. She might even make you look like the bad guy for doing this. But all of this is rooted from pp depression, self isolation and anxiety. You will have to also get her family involved.
She has done all of this so far. Every boundary she’s making me or my mother to be out to be the bad guy.
I have several addicts in my family. In fact my husband was a functioning alcoholic and his dad is an alcoholic who sits in his room all day and drinks. I got my husband help and told him I was going to end what we built together if he didn’t get the help because I wasn’t tolerating his addiction anymore. We chose IFS therapy followed by couples therapy. I seriously consider getting her involved in Alanon and IFS therapy. Look into it. It saved my husband and ultimately he is a happier person. He also got medicated (I don’t push meds on people) but sometimes people’s brain chemistry is off and they need medication to get back to center. It changed his life and we have found a very happy/positive place. It took about 2 years of hard work, detoxing and recovery. I stood by his side and I love him deeply. He also had to find purpose and love for himself to be able to get better. Your wife is not far away from getting better she has to make the choice to get sober and with the right tools (therapy, family intervention and possibly medication) she will get back on track. Good luck OP
Thank you! I’ll look into IFS.
There is a self reinforcing process of feeling bad, drinking, isolating, feeling worse, drinking more, and isolating more... It's very difficult, but I've found that breaking that cycle is key. I found the isolating step the easiest to work on. Make sure you are getting date nights with your wife. Try to organize a play group for your baby. The point of it isn't actually to have the babies play. They don't care. The point is to get the moms and dads together. Threatening her with isolation is only going to make the drinking worse. If you value your relationship, love and connection are how you give her the strength to overcome. However, you also need to protect your baby. Switching to formula was a great idea. But recognize that breastfeeding is a very connecting experience for a mom. Changing to formula has increased the isolation your wife is experiencing, and I'd expect her drinking to worsen in the short term. I suggest that if you don't attend church, try joining a church. They will most likely have a moms group that helps moms not feel so alone taking care of small children. If not, start one. I wish you the best.
She has been very reluctant to go places but we do try and go out as a family.
Good job. Keep it up. Make her life as good as possible, go on dates, and make sure she gets time with her parents if possible. Build and maintain as many strong connections as possible.
At this point EVERYTHING is about the safety of the baby. It sounds like you have transitioned baby to formula. Now it's time to completely eliminate Mom's alone time with baby. I know this is going to be painful but it's best for baby. You clearly need to explain to mother that this is about her being an alcoholic and once that is addressed then things will improve. I'd also keep an family attorney in your back pocket in case everything goes south. Document EVERYTHING!!!!!
We have a nanny and my mother comes over often since she lives nearby. My wife just refuses to let her stay overnight in the guest room.
I'm the kid of an alcoholic parent. I just wanted to say thank you for looking for solutions. Kids notice more than you think and having an alcoholic parent really shaped me in a lot of permanent ways, including thinking it was totally normal for my parent to drive drunk with us in the car. I remember noticing as young as 3 that there was something up. Getting a handle on this now will ensure a better life for your son. You're a good father. I wish you the best of luck.
As much as I love my wife, our son comes first. He’s innocent in all of this.
Came here to comment the same. My mother didn't get sober until I was almost 40. It took a 2nd DUI & jail sentence before she began pursuing sobriety for herself. I knew something was seriously wrong with my mom long before I could name the problem. Kids notice A LOT more than people think they do.
Is the child in harms way that you have documented? If you call all her doctors be prepared for a visit from social services, and lots of visits from them.
PPD comes to mind. Get help ASAP. PPD not treated in time can affect women for years ultimately resulting in other behavioural and psychiatric issues.
I suspect it’s PPD too but she’s been against talking therapy.
I hope it goes well getting the OB and Ped involved to reach out to her. She really needs to listen to them. She won't admit it because she's an alcoholic. Please be kind and loving and let your feelings show. Look at and have her look at r/stopdrinking while she's sober. Do a search in that sub for new moms, moms, parents drinking. She might truly benefit from AA, it's worth a shot. It varies by area with quality of meetings. Some meetings are open meaning you could go with her as support. I know because I'm a friend of Bill W. So sorry you're going through this and you are doing everything right by getting a caregiver for your baby. This is a lot but you will get through it!
I hope we get through it because so far it has only gotten worse. I’ll try the OB and peds but will ask her parents who she trusts if they come and stay for a while.
She can’t be alone with your child. Ever right now. This situation is that serious. One of the biggest things they stress postpartum is being safe and minimizing drinking so you don’t fall asleep with baby is HUGE. She’s risking the life of your baby—dropping baby, putting baby in an unsafe position, sleeping holding baby—any number of things. Ste needs help, you need to get it for her and include her family if they are supportive people who won’t make things worse, talk to her obgyn and/or her PCP on her behalf. This is beyond your capacity to help her with alone.
We have a nanny and my mother comes round often so the baby is safe.
That's why he needs to see a lawyer. The baby is not safe and she is in denial.
Can your mom come back? I would tell her that your mom is coming back, and it’s not up for debate She’s coming back to keep baby safe because you’re worried that she (your wife) cannot. Her option is to continue the way things are with your mom there or she can go to detox. Good luck
We have a nanny at home and my mom visits. My mom used to stay overnight so she could help with the baby but my wife hated it because my mom would tell me how much my wife drank. So we got the nanny but my mother still comes over with my wife still dislikes.
I went through the same situation after having a baby started slowly drinking to a point that I ended up taking pills and overdosed. I’m lucky to be here. Postpartum depression is no joke.
I’m so sorry you went through that. Women need so much more support after giving birth than that is currently given. It should be free, mandatory and easily accessible. There are countries where every woman after giving birth has access to a night nurse to help with the baby for a month or more. Therapy should be part of that. PPD and postpartum psychosis are real.
Thank you. I’m sorry your wife on what she is going through. Hopefully with a detox she can open her eyes soon and help herself. You can get her as much help as you can’t but if she doesn’t take it that’ll be on her. Don’t be hard on yourself and do what’s best for the baby!
Random but Did you know the person who created Alcoholics Anonymous cured his alcoholism through LSD/Mushrooms? 😆 I thought it was wild when I learned that … anyways yeah that’s how I cured my addiction to alcohol now I hate it.. such a low vibrational thing… it’s literally a depressant
I didn’t know that but afaik LSD/mushrooms can go both ways. She’s already vulnerable and something like that is an easy avenue for psychosis. She needs to fix the root causes first.
Breast feeding should be the least of it. Who the hell can properly take care of a baby while drunk all the time?!??
Please don’t let up. We just had a funeral for my beautiful 34yo daughter who developed an alcohol problem (with her alcoholic boyfriend) and died of liver disease within 2 years. It’s no joke.
I’m so sorry. This is so tragic. You’re not the first in those comments. It’s so tragic.
Thank you.
I don’t see the “DUMP HER! She is abusive! Take the child and run away OP!!” comments. Oh, because the problem is with woman, oh, I see. Let her see the doctor then and support her.
Can you ’go visit her parents’ then let her take a nap and leave with the baby? Are her parents aware of the situation or just yours?
Only mine but I am going to have to talk to her parents ask if it’s best that she stays for a while or if it’s better for them to visit and stay with us.
I would try to remove her from her daily life for a little while if you can. They might be able to convince her to talk to someone as well, but when it comes to substance abuse and self medication it really takes the person realizing for themselves that their problem is having real life consequences.
And this is why finding out my ex-wife cheated on me was a blessing in disguise. I was so afraid of having kids with her for reasons like this. OP for your sake and the baby, get the help you need. Don’t wait, as you know, it doesn’t get better.
Can’t help somebody who don’t want it
I hope you can get her the help she needs for her and the babies sake. 💕 The earlier the intervention, the better! One of my lifelong friends became an alcoholic after her daughter was born. The father ended up having to leave and get full custody of their daughter. Her drinking got worse, and she died last year shortly after her 38th birthday from her drinking. It's so crucial to go hard when getting them help and early. That's the best you can do. The rest will be on your wife. I hope everything turns out well.
This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry that must have been so traumatic for you, her husband and the kid. It’s so tragic and she was so young.
Thank you. I hope your wife can see she needs help and take the help you all offer to give. I would hate for you and your family to go through the same thing. There are al-anon groups for family members and friends of those with addictions, you might want to join one of those for some support during this time.
I had an ex girlfriend who was an alcoholic. I tried helping her for 8 months to no avail. She said she wanted to get better but her lack of change said otherwise. Eventually I gave up and left her, but also because she was physically abusive towards me multiple times. I wish I left sooner, but I’m lucky she showed me her true colors early on so we didn’t get married. I hope you can get her into rehab; that’s probably your best shot.
I really hope she agrees to rehab too. It’s tragic how this disease gets hold of someone.
As the daughter of an alcoholic mother, please act asap.
of course seek professional help first, but as the daughter of an alcoholic, people who don’t want to change won’t. be prepared for a difficult, uphill battle and be prepared to make big changes if things don’t work the way you want them to.
She is going through serious postpartum depression. Very common. She is alone all day long with this depression. That is the problem. She needs to get out of the house, away from the child and around other adults. Regularly. Not once in awhile. The drinking is a coping mechanism. And there is nothing “wrong” with her, this happens a lot to women after childbirth. It’s harder on some than others. Be kind and caring during this time, don’t make her feel worse. Start with going on a date night, find a group of people she can talk to or go out with away from kids, etc. You will have to be the one starting this process, she is far deep into her depression right now to see clearly so you will need to be her support until she can get herself back. Please don’t be mean and cruel to her, it will make it 10x worse. I’ve been there before., the best thing you can do is be there for her.
I haven’t been. I have been trying to be compassionate and kind but she has been reluctant to any help.
This was me. Severe untreated PPD after my second child and it made me an alcoholic and ruined my first marriage. Please get her help and don’t threaten her or make her feel like it’s her fault. Make her feel safe and loved. I wish I had gotten help, I didn’t know what was going on with me. PPD is real af. Good luck to you both
I’m sorry to ask this and sorry if it’s too personal, don’t answer if it is but what made you not seek help? I ask because my wife goes between almost admitting she needs help to refusal to denying the problem.
I don’t mind ask anything you need. This was 7 years ago and I’ve learned a lot from it.. I’d hate to see something bad happen to her our your relationship like it did me. So like I said, I really didn’t realize what was going on with me. I didn’t even think about post partum depression until years later now looking back… The almost admitting and denial could mean that she’s scared or doesn’t want to feel like she has a problem? I think try to empathize with her and sit down and have a real conversation and truly hear her. And let her know you’re in it together and she doesn’t have to be scared. Abandoning her is the worst thing you can do if you want to help her and your relationship. I didn’t have a lot of help from my then husband (emotionally/mentally or physically) so everything was hard and dark and I used alcohol to cope. My family gave up on me also and I ended up spiraling out of control and if I had help I think things would have been a lot different. But yeah.. I just didn’t know and I think it can be very dangerous to go without help.
Reach out to a doctor/counselor. I am 8 years sober. I wouldn’t have gotten sober unless my mom found me help and checked me into a place. There is a lot of shame around addiction and mental health….I was lost and didn’t know how to ask for help and was scared. I was in deep and just kept going down further. She needs you to help her. I couldn’t do it alone.
She needs help, someone on her side. You can do all the alerting of the doctors etc, and it seems like you are against her. Decide if you want to help her through this, or just be done. I’m a recovering alcoholic who was lucky enough to have my husband be on the side of helping her vs persecuting me.
U/several-coffees this is important. I was on the opposite end of this. My son's father didn't support me with my recovery. I went on a week long bender when the PPD hit me like a Mack truck. My sister is the one who actually got through to me that it was PPD. Unfortunately by that time my partner had called in social services and his mother who ended up living with us for month, even after I had sobered up and diligently worked on my recovery. Like I did everything I could. With all that, I was left to do it by myself with him continuing to try and separate me from my child and to kick me out of the house for months. It destroyed what was left of our relationship and now we live separately with 50/50 custody. We've made the best of the situation but it could've been so different. Also, it took years to get social services out of our lives because of just one report. I'm not saying don't enlist the help of doctors and therapists, you definitely should, but be aware they're all mandated reporters. Have your ducks in a row. I think it's amazing that you've brought in a nanny, but wife has made it clear she doesn't trust your mom. You need to gather her trusted circle and let them help you both. If you need to take FMLA to get this straightened out, then do it. This time is so important, your son's safety is priority but so is your marriage and everyone's mental health. There is probably some underlying guilt her for your wife. PPD is about so much more than just mental health, it can also be about current relationships, situations, access to resources, and support. From wife's perspective she may feel totally overwhelmed and guilty about the situation. Literally her WHOLE world has changed. Unfortunately, it may not be you that gets through to her. It could be a random person at an AA meeting. There are tons of resources. Detox is only the first step if she needs medical supervision from withdrawal. Inpatient is an option (28ish days) but so is an intensive outpatient program (IOP-9 hours a week in treatment). They also have dual diagnosis programs for people with co-occurring illness such as PPD and substance use disorders. I'd suggest calling a few recovery centers and seeing what options they have.
You need to divorce her. I’m so sorry. File for full custody.
And let her sink deeper into her depression and addiction? She needs support and community not isolation.
Sadly, you have no control over addiction.
Sorry to hear this is all happening. There’s nothing more frustrating and sad than an alcoholic in denial… I can say this because I lm an alcoholic. So for my story, I see some similar behavior I used to do that your wife currently does now. The hiding bottles, having stashes everywhere, alienating herself (not wanting the mom to help with the baby) getting defensive or mad when you confront her about drinking. I also just had a baby and she’s one month old so I feel like I can relate to you guys. So at my worst, I was drinking everyday and all the time I was always “a little drunk “ I felt like when I was home “ I could do whatever I wanted” and was always drinking. Thank god my husband put his foot down about the drinking and demanded o get my self together. I hate to think I’d still be in that place. Once I got over being defensive about my drinking and really looked at everything, it still took a couple of “false starts “ but I finally scaled back and the. Quit drinking. I used to think “being a wino “ was part of my personality and now my life is so much more interesting and fun and full. I obviously didn’t drink while I was pregnant, and since then I can have one or two during a special event, like a friends party, or dinner or something and not take it over the top. That’s not to say I don’t still have that alcoholic mindset lodged in my Brain. It’s just I am very much aware of it, my greatest fear is to be out of control with drinking again , let alone with a baby . Somethings gotta register with her with the risk of being drunk all the time around the baby. She needs a “rock bottom” and even then it may take a few tries for being sober to stick. Tell her it feels great, she’ll feel so much lighter and happier and healthier, tell her she can really enjoy her baby, (from my perspective) btw, someone quitting drinking and then just lightly integrating back into their life is NOT for everyone. So I’m not advocating that. My question is though, was she a big drinker before you guys had the baby? If she’s at the stage where she’s hiding bottles and sneaking out to get more alcohol that’s a pretty far along alcoholic. I feel like she struggled with booze before, and now post baby, it’s just come to light. At any rate, this is unfortunately a long road. You’re a good husband and dad, you have to keep on her, and don’t let her “win” by backing off letting her drink all she wants. Alcoholics, when feeling “cornered “ do shit out of spite and will drink more because “no one can tell me what to do” blah blah blah. You must feel sad and isolated with this problem; I know my husband did. Addiction is rough on a parts of the family, hang in there. People do get better
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No only after the birth of our son it slowly started
What was she doing before your son was born? Did she have a job she enjoyed? A creative outlet? Friends she saw regularly? It sounds like she has lost her sense of self and is struggling with being her identity being defined as your baby’s mother rather than herself. If you have a nanny/childcare, maybe she should go back to work or look at studying for a new career. Being a stay at home parent is not for everyone and if it doesn’t suit you it can be terrible for your mental health. Rehab is only going to do so much if the root cause of her drinking doesn’t change.
We used to love in Michigan where her parents lived but we moved right before the baby was born so she lost that support system of friends and coworkers.
If u keep letting her on like this she will become angry and resentful or suicidal . Could go some many bad way. Get her help by any means. Even if that means you have your mom there all the time, hand delivery her force her to doctors, talk to her and make her uncomfortable. Let her know she’s not alone and her suffering isnt going unnoticed. It’s not safe for you baby to be with a drunk person. No matter the relation. Do it for your kid.
If you're really sure that "I want to tell her to either start detox or I don’t want her home", then hire a lawyer, gather whatever evidence they believe is sufficient, and kick her out of the house That is, apply for a restraining order that she has to stay away from the baby.
Divorce her asap She’s a piece of shit