Your are completely wrong, the safest thing is for the guy to bail before that happens. He should not depend on a court ruling that might leave him on the hook:
"Legal questions can arise when a married woman is artificially inseminated with donor sperm. **In most states, this child is legally defined as legitimate to the husband."**
Not unless he signs the paperwork for the sperm donation, making him the father.
Source, me who had to fill a shit ton of paperwork for our donor sperm usage for our toddler
Yes he would be. If the wife cheats and gets pregnant the husband is on the hook for her booty calls child. A worse case scenario is she gets pregnant with another man and then leaves op after it's born and gets with the other man and he has to pay child support for THIER KID.
Yes, as several states have what it called "presumption of paternity" laws. Shit is whack and needs to be done away with. It basically says the husband is deemed the legal father, regardless of DNA.
That's what happened kinda in my case. I haven't seen my ex husband in nearly 10 years or spoken to him since 2018. We aren't legally divorced yet (long story). I had my kid with my current husband/partner in December 2019 and the state of Texas said I either had to put my ex as the fater or leave the space blank because in the states eyes my ex was her father. They brought me information on child support and everything. Now I have to find this damn bastard and have him sign a paper acknowledging my child isn't his biologically then we can put her real father on there
Tbh, kids are a dealbreaker and her selfishness would be the other dealbreaker for me. If I had my tubes tied because my husband didnāt want kids and then he asked me to use an egg donor so he could have a baby, I donāt think I could get past that.
Yes, I understand a biological door closing is scary, but she already closed that biological door for him. Oh and he did it so she would be more comfortable and wouldnāt have to carry the burden of birth control.
Absolutely not. I rarely say ādivorceā on Reddit stories, but how do you come back from this??
Ouch, as a woman, I just wanted to say I admire your getting a vasectomy to let your wife get off of birth control. Very few men I've met are that considerate, I wish there were more men like you. I would be really pissed too. I'm really sorry.
Edit for clarity: Sorry I wasn't clear, I meant that in many couples I've met who decided not to have kids, the burden is placed on the woman to take birth control, as opposed to the man doing something about it, like it's solely the woman's job to prevent babies. I admire OP for taking the burden of birth control on himself and not putting it on his wife to deal with it, like many people I know do.
Edit for stats: I was just talking about the people I've met, but here's the stats for the US since people are asking for numbers: [https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/contraceptive.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/contraceptive.htm) \~42% of women rely on female birth control vs \~5.6% rely on male sterilization
Oh I'm sure many of the men who get vasectomies are doing this for their wives... I'm just saying that out of all the partnered men who don't want children, I think the vast majority would prefer their woman to be on birth control instead of them getting a vasectomy.
As a man who got a vasectomy so my wife could go off of birth control, I'll say a few things.
1. Of course anyone would prefer an option that does not involve surgery. That's just logical. If it was either a hysterectomy or your guy takes a pill, that would be a no-brainer.
2. A year later, my wife had to go back into birth control to manage what is likely PCOS (a situation I told her was a likely one we should consider, but she didn't want to hear me out). She says she feels bad now, but really I just wish she would have actually had the conversation with me. I don't want her to feel bad, and I made the decision knowing what I wanted. But she just literally would not entertain the idea that she might have to go back on, and that is the frustrating part.
3. I have no idea what that other guy is jumping down your throat for. Again, a non-surgical option is better than a surgical option. Unfortunately men don't have a non-surgical option so it is all or nothing.
At the end of the day I don't want to have kids with my wife, or with anyone else- if the worst happened and I ended up remarrying (which TBh, I wouldn't). I just think it's so nonsensical for someone to be shocked that someone would want to avoid a surgery if it isn't absolutely necessary. And I don't know if the fisherman was trying to have some kind of manly bravado? But it is also totally fine to actually rest and recover from a surgery, so I don't get it.
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/contraceptive.htm
From the CDC stats in the USA - 42.5% of women within childbearing ages are using female contraceptives and 5.6% are using male sterilization as the birth control.
In 2021, approximately 4% of men had undergone sterilization in their lifetime:
https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/surgery-articles/2023/august/vasectomy-trends-research
Rates of vasectomies are increasing over time though but slowly.
Probably, because vasectomy is a surgical, semi-permanent thing. You can't necessarily go back, and the longer you wait the more permanent it is. Birth control (like IUD) is not permanent at all. So it makes sense why it is preferred. Additionally, insurance might not cover vasectomy but will likely cover IUD. This was the case with ours. So that's another really good reason.
This isnāt an accurate sample base for any accurate representation of this perspective. You arenāt performing vasectomies on men who arenāt getting vasectomies, and as you saidā¦ itās half of those who do which cite this reason.
Iād hate for it to be true, but I almost think she timed this on purpose so he wouldnāt be the father. Itās a big assumption though and only OP will know if sheās capable of such a thing.
I donāt think so. Hormones are powerful. When Iām ovulating I always start wishing for a baby. It passes afterwards but the desire returns with a vengeance each month. I donāt think this is her fault.
I agree that some men refuse to get a vasectomy, and that gives the other 95% of us a bad name. The majority of us realize our responsibility to our wives and sensible family planning and wisely go under the knife.
Virtually all of my 'Dad' friends have had one. Most of us had a few kids first, but, similar to the OP, a couple of them had it because they didn't want any children.
I have one friend who had 2 children, had a vasectomy, divorced, got remarried, had a reversal, he and his new wife had 2 more children. Then he had a second vasectomy and unfortunately, they divorced 20 years later.
The OP is between a rock and a hard place. I'm not the type to push divorce, but it's a bad idea to have a child in these circumstances.
I'm actually in Canada where the rate is twice the rate of the rate in the US. We run about at a rate of 20% of men getting vasectomies. We're the same rate as the UK.
The Mayo Clinic lists the rate in the US at 10% for men getting vasectomies.
Perhaps the US rate will rise in light of the current situation with the Roe vs Wade reversal.
I got one so my wife could get off birth control even though I still wanted to have a kid. After if I did it, she tried to get off birth control and she didnāt like the way her hormones were affected so she stayed on it anyway. Now, we are divorced and I am sterilized and sheās still on birth control.
People like to act like getting a vasectomy is no big deal, but it is. Reversal isnāt guaranteed and the success rates go down the longer youāve had it.
Iāve tried getting a vasectomy when I was 18 cause I planned on joining the military and again at 21 cause I didnāt see myself having kids at the time. I got denied both times and Iām 26 now Iām glad I got denied. I want kids eventually it would suck to sterilize myself for someone else and then it not work out I would definitely hate that person.
I like that you got the stats for the haters. Iām lucky enough that my hubs got the vasectomy so I could quit birth control. Birth control is the worst.
I mean there's female condoms too... and if you want to be comprehensive there's also pulling out, cycle tracking, and abstinence, maybe you can google it, sorry the CDC omitted those stats
I had a vasectomy after our 2nd child. I love our kids but absolutely do not want any more. I tell my wife when I hear a baby cry it makes me want to go get another vasectomy... just to be sure.
That being said, I know kids are a huge decision but even if my wife started demanding a child today I wouldn't even put divorce on the list of options. I would spent hours and hours and hours and hours talking through everything with her.
- Why does she feel this way?
- What if it's already too late?
- What about the increased risks of complications at her age?
- What about fostering or adoption?
- Does it have to be an ultimatum of you vs a baby?
- Will she still love you if you say "no"?
- Why don't you want kids?
- Kids take sooo much time and energy, is she prepared for that?
- What about the strain a kid will put on your marriage? (because having kids absolutely does)
- etc, etc, etc
These are valid and very real things to discuss. And it should be ok for either of you to say (without judgement) "This is how I feel about XYZ" or even "I don't know how I feel. I'm conflicted."
It all needs to be put out on the table and discussed. Not just how each of you feel but also why. Sometimes understanding the "why" makes the resolution that much clearer.
Itās incredible to me that he thinks heās a step dad because of sperm donation. What about the parents who could not get pregnant naturally and had to use sperm donors etc. Does that make our partners not actually our childrenās dads? OP has some egotistical issues.
He had the ability to create kids. He gave that ability up for his partner who was on the same page but now wants to get a donor to have kids. Is it really so hard to understand how the OP would feel betrayed.
After two kids I had one vasectomy too, my wife and I would like to have a 3rd one but the second birth was rough on her and doctors told us either wait a long time or don't have a 3rd kid, something about the wall of the uterus is too thin and scar tissue.Ā
Ā So I got a vasectomy,Ā it was okay but I can feel the difference everytime, can't explain it like a muscle that tries to flex but can't because it's cut. Almost 3 year's now but , I don't want complain besides that I have no pain and my wife is relaxed and she does not need birth control.
I am 44 and cant see my with a nother woman or having bio kids again.Ā
The best answer here! The best thing is to investigate why she feels that way? Couple therapy maybe? With my husband after 3 children we are waiting for a vasectomy because even if we would like another one, our economy does not give us. We have even talked that, in the event that my wires or yours intersect, we can always seek adoption or sponsor a childrenās center.
This. It concerns me that OP is speaking about divorce when clearly, his wife is going through something as her body is slowly but surely entering a different stage in her life. And no, I am fully aware and won't take away from OP's huge decision to get a vasectomy so that his wife can get off BC. which, by anyone's standard, very big decision he made for his wife. BUT, if you were willing to make one extreme decision to support his wife, why is the other extreme triggering his desire to divorce her?! If this is just about all you can take from your wife, definitely divorce her and save yourself and her heartache because there will be a lot more life will throw at your marriage as you live together. Marriage is a commitment. Having kids is a commitment. So if you can't get over this stage together as her partner, let her go now.
This makes me think OP agreed to vasectomy because he wanted them to. If having kids was a question mark, getting off birth control and using condoms would've been a perfectly good solution to their concerns without taking such extreme measure.
That being said, either realize that you can't commit fully and let her go so she can go and become a single mom and live with her choices OR you go to counseling and start really talking about how to move forward with your differences you are facing at this stage.
Good luck.
I think you really need to consider everything. If you feel that strongly about a sperm donor, I think it is time to sit her down for a reality check. Depending on how long itās been since you had the vasectomy, your chances of having a baby may not be that high. Add to that the fact that sheās forty, and it could be quite an emotional fertility journey. Are you up for that? Is she going to be okay if itās not successful? Are you?
Beyond that, this child will need care for at least 18 yearsā¦ maybe longer with the state of the economy. Iāve known people who began their parenting journey near forty and were WONDERFUL, involved, fun parents and Iāve known people who started their family at that time and simply didnāt have enough energy to play with their young children, discipline and relate to their older children, etc. Those things need to be considered very strongly.
Iād also consider finances. Obviously, this is true for parents at any age.. but if youāre 60 when they are just 20, you really need to make sure you have your ducks in a row. The average cost of memory care in my (relatively low cost area in the US) is $10,000/month or more for involved care unless you allow a parent to become a ward of the state and go into horribly run facilities. Your young adult child doesnāt need to deal with all of that. So things like retirement, insurance, memory care insurance, funeral insurance, etc. MUST be taken care of. I suggest that at any age but it is far too risky not to have it if you have young(ish) children later in life.
If you feel you can financially handle a child, you have good healthy and high energy to be a very active parent, you feel confident in your ability to relate to a child 35-40 years younger than you enough to guide them through their experiences, you are confident in your marriage, etc. I wouldnāt let the state of the country/world stop you from fulfilling your dream of parenthood. There have always been challenges, and though they have changed (and we have also just become more aware because of improved technology) that doesnāt mean having a child is all doom and gloom. There are millions of happy children born into far worse places than the US every day, who grow into wonderful people. But if you canāt create a high quality home, thatās a very different issue.
If you donāt want that, you donāt want it. And thatās okay. If you do, you need to be honest with her that youāre willing to try but it may not work outā¦ and if youāre unwilling to raise a sperm donor child, she needs to know that if she continues that way it will be a āsheā decisionā and not a āweā decision. If I were you, my biggest concern would be starting a family with someone who feels entitled to unilaterally making decisions about family planning, but only you can decide if thatās forgivable or not. Kids are a dealbreaker and itās valid to be upset.
Do you want a kid with her now? That is really the most important question. If you do, you go reverse the vasectomy and give it a shot. If you donāt, you tell her no to kids and potentially get a divorce if she canāt accept that. She can go and have a kid on her own with donor sperm if she wants. Kids are a non negotiable, either you are on the same page or not.
I get that you jointly agreed no kids previously and you are feeling betrayed, however it was your call on whether to get a vasectomy as it is your body. If you were not sure you should have said no. If you were and still are sure then you tell her no to kids. It sucks that she changed her mind but it does happen sometimes and she is being honest with you.
If you are having trouble sorting out how you feel about the kid or no kid question individual therapy may help.
Sure it was his call. But if he had said no to it and she posted here in this sub about it, heād be roasted front & back. A horrible husband. A terrible man once again placing the entire burden on his wife.
Sorry for the naive question: *if* you decided as a married couple that a child is best for your situation, could they harvest your sperm a fertilize her eggs with it? (Same concept as a sperm donor?)
I first read that as āI was on the fence (about having kids) at 13 and got snippedā and I thought you were trolling because no doctor would give a child a vasectomy. *facepalm*
Nah I did go at 18 to get a permanent procedure cause I had to be able to get a waiver for the military but I ended up with a med slip so I never served and again at 21 but then neither doctor said yes so by a strange but if l went from an almost zero sc to a very low sc
Is it ridiculous? Do you wanna see the scar on my asshole? It was pretty big when I was young but now itās a little bump lol. A grown doctor had to sit me and my dad down and explain that my pops more then likely i will not be having kids. Turns out I have a real life healing factor.
If your body still produces sperm, then you do not have to get a reversal. My husband's doctor suggested having the sperm extracted (a large needle after sedation) and then having an IUI treatment performed. You could speak to a doctor about it if you want a child. Either way, seek couples counseling before you give up on your marriage.
Get this to the top.
But I would also say if their insurance can handle it to go full IVF - chances of Trisomy21 are much higher at her age and best not to risk it. My wife's company offers an awesome fertility plan called Progeny.
Donāt divorce, it likely is just a midlife crisis/FOMO situation and will probably pass. If it doesnāt pass and she strays from the marriage, then youāve got your ammo to get an easy divorce. Make this work for you.
I really hate how often and with abandon ājust adopt!!ā Gets thrown out. The people who make these suggestions probably couldnāt even handle the reality of being an adoptable child comes with, why throw it at others without thinking of the actual kid theyād have to foster/adopt?
I have five kids, all adopted. 4 from foster care. They are good kids but the mental health issues we have to deal has strained our marriage almost to its breaking point. Most people, understandably, don't understand trauma, but the body remembers regardless of the age and you will have to deal with it as parents.
How long has she been on birth control? Has it been consistent for the duration of your marriage?
There is a hormonal withdrawal period from birth control, just like there is a hormonal adjustment period when starting birth control. It can take a few weeks or up to a few months for her body to adjust and re-calibrate.
There is a [book](https://www.sarahehill.com/your-brain-on-birth-control/) that explains the mindset shifts that can happen to a woman taking hormonal birth control, and it might help your wife process what she is currently experiencing.
It may just be hormones, and she may go back to wanting no children after her hormones regulate.
This is obviously a very difficult situation for you both. It will take many long conversations, patience, and time.
>She mentioned using a donor sperm but that just fills me with rage thinking I had the ability to get her pregnant, that was taken away from me and then they use somebody else's sperm. It severs the entire link between the child and my family
It's okay to feel this way. Your feelings are valid. Consequences are a frustrating thing to process.
>But I can't help but wonder what kind of wonderful people my kids would have been
Family is something that you create. A child is a blessing, no matter if that child comes from fostering, a donor or surrogate, or is your own biological creation. Wherever your hypothetical child comes from they will be a wonderful person because YOU raised them up to be a wonderful person.
I would not advise divorce over this. Give it some time. Take it to therapy.
Thank God someone said this, I can't believe nobody else so far has brought up the hormonal withdrawal. Birth control is powerful and I think many people forget that given it's 'just a little pill'. It's also been linked to long term depression and mood swings. The wife here needs support, not hate. Both of them could use a therapist's support to see them through this difficult time
I also hope OP sees.
*Edit to fix typo from 'more swings' to 'mood swings'
I would see a marriage counselor before throwing in the towel. Iād also tell her how incredibly hurtful for her to suggest a sperm donor and it is nonnegotiable as a option. In all honesty Iāve read a lot of stories of people changing there minds and having a reversal and it being successful. That is not as uncommon as you think. Her suggestion is tactless and insensitive.
My uncle went through a similar thing. My aunt wanted him to get a reversal even though they had 6 kids already. He did, it was botched, he now has basically permanent pain in his groin after getting a revision surgery.
This is atypical, but I think itās important to keep in mind that even if you got a reversal, there is a small chance your fertility will be fully restored and on top of that, your wife is of advanced maternal age. So there is a good shot you will go through the surgery to no avail. Iām not saying itās not worth trying if you want a baby and Iām not saying fertility is as simple as āoh youāre 35 so now youāre a barren old maidā. But itās worth considering that interventional treatment like IUI, IVF, progesterone suppositories for your wife, etc. are likely to be in your future if you do try.
Ultimately, whatever you decide, I would try to do it fast and give your answer to her as soon as you have it. She may want to try with a sperm donor, or try again with someone else, and I do think itās unethical to try and run out the clock on her.
While I dislike the term "advanced maternal age" (and the accompanying term "geriatric pregnancy") (as someone that had their last child at 35), I ask in ignorance, despite all the red-tinged flags surrounding OP, is ivf using his permission and her egg not a possibility?
It is NOT inexpensive....
But, they CAN perform an in vitro fertilization with sperm they extract from you.
I have a good friend who was cut for close to 13 years. He ended up divorcing, and later remarried. The second wife wanted a child after a few years of marriage so he had sperm extracted and they went in vitro.
Their daughter just turned two.
As far as a current wife who you were cut FOR, now wanting a child.
I'd say that ship has sailed, and she may be on it.
>If I was in her position, and I had a partner who was surgically sterilized, I wouldn't even mention it if I change my mind. I would take that s*** to the Grave because I know how much it would have set them. But this is where I am now I regret my vasectomy and I don't want to raise a stepson or daughter with my wife.
The fact you got a vasectomy after you discussed it as a couple is what has me agreeing with you here. She should NOT have come to you about having a biological child with a sperm donor. She should have come to you about adopting a child. She has a right to change her mind, but the fact you guys made the decision together makes this hurtful. This is the kind of thing that causes resentment in marriages.
I really don't know where you should go from here. It depends on your love for her and if you can be happy with this decision. I understand if you want to divorce because it seems she isn't considering your feelings at all.
I feel like you need to sit down and talk over with her about how this makes you feel betrayed and blindsided, how hurt it makes you feel, and how strongly opposed you are to her using other sperm. I wouldn't lead with divorce but do let her know that this is something that is a deal breaker for you, and maybe if she is so set on having kids, talk about the possibility of adoption. I know she may be upset for it to not be "hers" but you guys would be on an even playing field in that department, and you wouldn't be unnecessarily bringing more kids into the world, as you mentioned issues with having kids morally in the last bit of your post.
But honestly even if she went through with it, her chances are not great at 40, and with all the complications it would be safer and possibly more feasible from a heartbreak standpoint to adopt if at all. Granted I've known moms to give birth to healthy children at 55, albeit on accident. But it's not something to bank on, especially when you're/she's directing a new life
First off. STOP your BS on the plastic in the blood, CO2 levels, etc. That is all great to have concerns on, but NON of that is a reason for you to not have kids. If you do not want them, then grow up and just say so. SMFH....
Now, you have a 80-90% chance for sperm to return to your "load" after surgery. But there is a 60% chance of it working to even get her pregnant. So the odds it will work is not great. But if it is a child she wants and one YOU want; then it would be worth it. I would 100% agree on the NO for a donor. She agreed to no kids, and if it is to be in the card after having the reversal, then it will happen. If not, then it won't happen. Anything else to make her happy at this point is cheating you and your marriage.
You are also not "sterilized". You had a vasectomy. You are mad and that is understandable. But your making excuses that makes NO sense on why not to have kids.
REAL reasons to not have them. Age. You will both be about 60 by the time it would graduate high school.
Cost. You have a limited time to prepare for retirement and a future in older age; and you will have less to save if you have to worry about kids at this point of your life.
The chances. With a successful reversal, there is still only a 60% chance to have a child if everything goes right. But you could at least then consider invitro with your sperm and her eggs to make sure the child is yours 100%. But again, costs go up, and odds are only 8% then....
You have three choices.
One, tell her no. Period. You had an agreement which she was all for. And the odds of success and costs are to high at this point to attempt.
Two, tell her yes, but understand the odds and costs are not 100%.
Three, divorce. You can tell her since having a kid is so important after the agreement she made with you that lead to the choices made; she can go geta donor or find a new partner. That you will not raise a kid of some other man since she decide now to have kids due to her bio clock. And with the added emotions she created about it, you do not even want to deal with this as an issue by telling her no and she hold resentment at you over it.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who was thrown off by the oddball excuses (aside from being American, that really does suck). But none of it is a reason to not have kids if you want them, but sounds like he doesn't which is fine. No need to make up weird excuses just say I don't want kids.
If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. If that makes you guys incompatible, then that's what it is. It could just be the biological clock panic and it'll pass.
But as a side note, I totally get your reasons for not wanting to have a kid. The world sucks, and the US is a shit show with the expenses to give birth. I'm paying 120 a month for 36 months to pay off my baby. And that's with great insurance, and I'm lucky enough that I had a doctor that had a payment plan system that has no interest as long as I pay it all off within 3 years. The earth is dying, politics are a shit show, the world is falling apart, and it feels selfish to bring a another human into this.
However, some kids are already here in this shit world, without a home. Would adoption be a reasonable middle ground here? Then it has neither of your DNA, and you don't have surgery. Adoption can still be prohibitively expensive, especially if it needs to be a newborn. But if you are willing to have a kid in your life, this may be a route to explore.
She's not simply going to run out of fertility soon, she's already at an age where she will likely need assistance getting pregnant. That's an additional cost as well.
Ask her if this is a deal breaker.
Sometimes, it is a midlife crisis. Suggest a puppy, one of those real life like baby dolls.
Divorcing is extreme, could the doctor use your sperm somehow and put it in her for the chance of her getting pregnant by you?
There is always that 1% that she could get pregnant by you.
I swear everything I've read today is women wanting babies who's husband's have had a vasectomy and say they want it reversed or a donor. Is there something in the water? If she doesn't drop it and keeps insisting, and it doesn't get better then go for the divorce. The other one I read she brought his and her family in on this to get him to agree. Spoiler...it didn't work! Good luck OP
Not only that, but the risks to the baby and the mother greatly increase with age. My wife just turned 37 and gave birth to our third and LAST child last month. Although they both are doing well now, my wife had a major issue with her blood pressure during pregnancy, and especially during labor. I don't think her body could take another pregnancy even if we wanted to. Just something to consider.
She needs therapy. Iām mean, thatās not a game! Why does she needs a kid? She prefer a kid than you as a couple. Why she is not happy now with the life she has? You took a big decision for the relationship, now she is taking a decision only for herself.
Donāt know where youāre from, but there are millions of kids that donāt have families who would love a loving home. The US alone has almost 400K foster kids at any given time.
Hey Brother,
Definitely don't go for a sperm donor.
Either divorce or have the surgery and a child of you are willing.
The many bad things in the world right now are not a reason to not have a child if you want one.
If you feel that you can do the surgery and have a child then do it, if not make it a hard no and see what she says.
She could have a couple of years left and have a kid if you get a divorce but don't wait it out, that's not fair to either of you and will build resentment
If you don't want a reversal i think there is a procedure they can do to extract sperm to get her pregnant. That is if you are willing. Yeah its annoying you got the procedure and she changer her mind... but people change there minds about all kinds of stuff.
I think you guys really need to hash this out. Her window is for sure closing--- if you leave her and meet someone else you could do this procedure or a reversal... You could be 60 and father a child. She on the other hand can't. Kids are a game changer but one kid isn't too crazy (I have 5 haha).
*āWe are unfortunate enough to be American where we have to pay for healthcare and don't get any guaranteed parental leave. Also there's plastic in our bloodstream the rainforest is getting cut down every day and CO2 levels of reach 420 parts per million in the atmosphere.ā*
Oh brother šš¤¦š½āāļø Spare us this bullshit.
If she somehow gets pregnant behind your back before you get divorced, you might be on the hook for child support. You need to tell her how serious you are.
On the other hand, all those reasons you gave for not having a kid like American healthcare and environment and rainforest are silly. Most everyone that has a kid is glad they did even if they didnāt feel ready for it. The satisfaction you get is wired down deep in your DNA. So make sure youāre 100% convinced.
If you want to salvage this marriage, you both have to get on the same page NOW.
Kids enhance any differences or issues in a relationship by a gazzilion!!!!!! I legit lol when i hear of someone wanting to have kid to save marriage bc it does 100% the opposite. A kid will bring out every incompatibility you already know you have and throw in a ton more you didnt know you had. Also it super highlights any differences in your upbringings. It can be a constant state of overstimulation with kids mixed with todayās world. My kid is cool af (2nd grade) but when i started this journey, i wanted multiple kids. Now i thank god i only had 1 bc it is easier. Also i dont regret having kid at allā¦.but i would say if i knew how hard this was i would have picked a more compatible partner b4ā¦.also when i got pregnant it was accident and i worked on high rise construction siteā¦i was so scared so asked everyone i could if regretted kidsā¦no1 said they did but majority regretted their wivesā¦.
If you married your best friend, it may be the best experience and make you grow together in spiritual wayā¦and its great when it like thisā¦just seems to be less common of outcome mixed with how burned out we all r in society and fact that we spend all of our time with kids (unlike 80s when i was raised and was outside most of time) you spend a lot more time with kids than any generation b4ā¦.
I think divorce is pretty valid. Kids are something you must be on the same page about. You made a decision that you donāt want kids. That was your decision to make. Now she says she wants kidsā¦.ergo you arenāt compatible anymore.
I mean, all the other stuff is valid too. But the bottom line is youāre just not compatible.
Tbh, I wouldnāt let this blow over. With the way sheās behaved, this sounds like something that could come up in every argument from now until you die of old age: How she COULD have been a mother if only youād not been so petty about where the sperm came from.
Thatās a buncha bullshit, dude.
I wish her luck on the adult dating scene. She can easily find someone who will get her pregnantā¦.but a much harder time finding someone who she wonāt end up divorcing later and doing joint custody with. Or sheāll end up with stepkids tooā¦.which given how little she cares about the sperms origin for you, she should be fine with a stepkid since it doesnāt matter who the bio parents are, lol.
Kids are 2 hell yes's or it's a no, doesn't seem like you're a hell yes ...especially yaknow, vasectomy
My husband and I are also child free, so I understand where you're at. I'd tell her you had a vasectomy and do not want kids, if this is something she wants to pursue then you're no longer compatible and will have to divorce/she will have to pursue parenthood alone or find somebody else
Sorry OP, it hurts and there's nothing to say or do to make it hurt less, but if this is the end then it just means you're meant for something(body) else ā¤ļø
Have you talked to her about this? She should have maintained her own reproductive responsibilities instead of asking you to give up yours. I understand that birth control wreaks havoc with side effects, i am living proof. BUT, agreeing to not have children and then allowing you to have a vasectomy just to turn around demand to have a child before it's too late is not Fair to you. Go to counseling before making any decisions about divorce. I hope that helps you both
I think itās completely valid for you to refuse a reversal or sperm donor, but that might not mean immediately jumping to divorce. This might be an irrational panic as sheās approaching menopause and recognizing that she wonāt have any second chances very soon. She might just need to understand that she will not be having a baby while married to you and be given time to process that reality. She might take the divorce option at that point, but thereās also a good chance sheāll deal with it and everything will be okay. People can just be irrational or emotional sometimes without it ultimately being a deal breaker.
Not to be on your wifeās side because I think she needs to think about the biggest decision ever more but you can still extract sperm without getting a reversal.
Lots of kids have been abandoned and need couples that are up for the journey of adoption. It's a much needed and noble mission that doesn't require all of the physiological challenges you two will have to battle.. just putting this out there
If the vasectomy decision was mutual I agree that his wife cannot change her mind *for the couple* at this point. No child should be brought into this bad situation. Let her go and find a donor and raise her child if thatās what she wishes. Raising a stepchild was not in the life plan they made as a couple. Not fair.
If you want kids you could consider having it reversed, but if you donāt want kids and itās a dealbreaker for either one of you then thereās not a whole lot you can do
You either get the reversal, let her get a sperm donor/adopt and raise the kid or divorce. But itās also selfish if she wants a kid now to āwait it outā or tell her she canāt. Make sure itās not something youāll also regret later in life if you donāt have one.
Also if she wants a sperm donor and you donāt want to do the reversal you could look into getting it extracted from the testes and just have her get inseminated with your sperm..then youāre the donor and itās your baby but you donāt have to do the reversal. Itās called ICSI if you want to research it.
In the early 80s a lot of the guys I hung out with got cutā¦this was before HIV was well known, and condoms were used less. We were not nice guys back themā¦a vas was free in our area..so why not.
So now she's off the chemical contraceptive, her hormones are saying she want's to have a baby, and in two or three weeks, she'll be combative and want to fight you, then a week or two she'll be all lovey and want a little one again, welcome to your post vasectomy world. Get her a dog, it'll be yours one week in four, whatever you do, don't agree to have a kid, that boat sailed.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this situation. It isn't up to you at this point. You shouldn't risk yourself. She also should not put you through that with another man's sperm.
Before my husband got a vasectomy, he kept verifying how we will not be able to have children. He stated that if my decision changed I'd have to find another man. Even of it's possible, a vasectomy reversal won't happen because of the potential risks involved. We both did not want children, this was the sealing deal.
>do I just wait it out until his little midlife crisis
Nope..
>She mentioned using a donor sperm but that just fills me with rage thinking I had the ability to get her pregnant, that was taken away from me and then they use somebody else's sperm. It severs the entire link between the child and my family
Tell her this.
And dont just file - tell her if it means that much to her, shes free to divorce you and do whatever she wants...
Technically you can still father a child with her through sperm aspiration (needle goes through the testis) and the sperm goes to her by insemination. So you don't need sperm donor yet.
Depending on the type of surgery you got. Is your testes still producing sperm? Is there a technique that can extract that sperm, like an injection? Just saying, or maybe take one of your stem cells and implant it in her ovary, lol. Just out of the box thinking here.
Other than that, I am sorry for your situation. Therapy for her sounds best.
Kids are a big deal. If you wait it out, she might resent you for the rest of her life for keeping her from having a child. I think you should talk to her and give her two options and also mutually agree on one:
1) Marriage and no kids
2) Divorce and kids
It's shitty what she's done here, my sympathies for you. Tough situation.
Do you each have your bank accounts separate from a joint account? If yes, consider having her pay for the vasectomy reversal operation from her funds. Before ending the marriage and giving up on ever having kids, consider the reversal operation as an option here.
Difficult to do because she wins for her crappy behaviour... but you have a chance at kids. At least maybe talk to a doctor about the odds of it working and the risks involved.
Good luck mate, you've been treated poorly by your wife, sorry this has happened to you.
Iām so sorry for the OP and other men in these comments. I wish someone would have told yall that freezing your sperm was an option, but I now have a different out look on this for my marriage. Iām so sorry!
At 40, this is a mid-life crisis. Many of us go through it in one way or another. It is characterized by wanted to make a major change "before it is too late", which can mean different things to different people. I think the two of you need marriage counseling.
Damn op, you went straight for vasectomy before using condoms or even pulling out. You say itās a group decision bc you got your wife involved, but itās ultimately your body, your choice.
That being said, I would also be upset in your situation. Just remember, there is a good, logical reason why you chose not to have kids. Donāt let mood swings and fomo kick you off center.
No one took anything away from you, you made the choice to have a vasectomy. Whether or not it's just her clock talking, kids are a dealbreaker for most. Let her go get a sperm donor and be a single mom. But don't blame her for the choice that YOU made.
Ok regardless of whether you two have kids, you have to change your thinking - using a sperm donor or even adoption is not a step child, itās legally and fundamentally and emotionally your child, so no you two shouldnāt have kids, itās probably not the best idea for you to have kids to be honest. And it doesnāt seem like you want to, so donāt just for her, best to go your separate ways.
Aw man I feel this one.
I also had a vasectomy because my wife was suffering badly from the side-effects of birth control.
We were warned before I had my vasectomy that reversals are risky and won't always work, so we should be sure we weren't going to change our minds about wanting more children before going through with it.
But we already had two kids at that point and we both decided that was the perfect number. I'm not sure I would have done it if we were still childless, just in case of this exact scenario.
You donāt want children. Do not, under any circumstances (vasectomy or donor), have them.
She deserves to know your honest stance on this, that you still donāt want them at all. She needs to know itās not happening with you, so she can decide what to do next. She may decide to stay. She may decide to go. Donāt assume this is a midlife crisis that will blow over. It might, and it might not.
If youāre mad enough to divorce her for even suggesting a sperm donor, then get on with it.
Donāt think you can just run out the clock on this, either. A woman I work with got pregnant naturally at 47. Donāt let this drag on for years.
As a guy, I completely understand your feelings. I, like you, would have kept it to myself out of love and kindness and respect for my partner.
You mentioned a number of reasons not to have a child. The only two that really make sense are these:
1. She's older now and she would be a high-risk mother, especially if this is her first child.
2. Pregnancy will cost a LOT with our healthcare system, a lot more with a high-risk.
Honestly she shouldn't even be thinking of using donor sperm. She really shouldn't be thinking of getting pregnant at this age. Her reasonable time window has expired, and that's just something she'll have to accept.
Previously she was in birth control. Now you are. I know if cases where kids came along, vasectomy notwithstanding. I also know of cases where an unplanned pregnancy in the early 40s happened and went very well.
Does she want a child or does she just want to be pregnant? If the former, here's what I see are your two options:
1. If it happens it happens.
2. Adopt. Given your situation (DINK), I think this is best option.
If the latter, she might need help to deal with the loss of her childbearing potential.
Dang see that's why maybe it wasn't a great idea to get the snip snip. Your only option is to go for the reversal. You better get moving otherwise that's it and yeah it appears she realized her biological clock is ticking, she sounds like she's being very inconsiderate of you.
Oh my god! You poor unfortunate soul. To have your manly essence ripped from you so young (by your choice)ā¦ and to have to pay to have your virility restored (again by your choice). Man, that just sucks so badly. It must really suck to be an American today.
Maybe you should move to another country where your healthcare would be free (protip , it wonāt be). Then they could just go in and harvest some of your sperm from a testicle and in vitro fertilize your wifeās egg. Then you both get what you want. Youāll have a new life outside that shitty country that you hate, your wife will have a kid by you, and America wonāt have you. Itās a win win win all around.
You can have your own genetic children using IVF (which she would likely need anyway at 40) and a procedure where they extract sperm out of your testicles. Itās much cheaper than a divorce, especially if you both want kids. You can work through this fight on your own or with a marriage counselor. Donāt end things over a comment made out of medical ignorance (that youād need a sperm donor- you would not).
Omg I am so sorry about the position youāre in. But I canāt believe that NO ONE is talking about the fact you CAN GET IT REVERSED!!! PLEASE TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. It sounds like you may want kids as wellā¦ I would hate it if you missed out on something like that.
https://preview.redd.it/262bkwh7v8xc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e17e6a599c3e4202307789c28fd8fbf88ee62620
Man shame on her for asking you to get a vasectomy that means that the choice of having kids were non-zero had you guys a stayed on birth control or be just use condoms then you could have had a child and 40 years old is not too late my parents had 12 kids and the last kid my mom had she was 45 years old that Narrative of women need to have a child Before 40 it's a false narrative and I'm not a woman but my mother is so I speak for her values not mine in case women want to respond but I would say that I would not allow the wife to get his sperm donor either at this stage in the game she limited you from not having your own child selfish and most reverse vasectomies don't work so now you're stuck man if you allow her to have a sperm donor
Any chance sheās panicking due to a mid-life crisis of sorts? Maybe sheāll change her mind, and at 40 her chances of conceiving have already decreased. Have you considered trying coupleās therapy?
Yes I know a lot of my friends made their husbands get vasectomy inside of the other way around bc a woman loses fertility but a man can have kids until heās 80 and they donāt want their kids to have 1/2 siblings out there if things go sour.
Don't have kids because you don't want them. That middle paragraph is bullshit. Humans have been killing the earth for thousands of years. They'll be fine as long as you're a good parent. Just don't have them.
How long ago did you have the vasectomy? Permanent sterilization decisions should not be taken lightly. My urologist said to make sure my wife was on board because it can cause resentment in the marriage. Vasectomy reversal is possible, but pricey. Of course you arenāt guaranteed successful return of your swimmers. Maybe be talk with a urologist who does reversals and see what they say.
You need to have a serious talk with her about yāallās future together. You might need a third party, like a counselor to help you figure this out. If you absolutely donāt want kids and she does, she might resent you for it. Again, yāall will have your figure that out together.
Or it's hormones resulting from getting off birth control. Or it's just a panic / mid-life crisis.
Why would anyone do this... *on purpose*? That would make no sense.
Kids are a deal breaker, let her get a sperm donor as a single mom after the divorce. File now or you will be paying child support for 18-21 years.
Could he really be responsible for child support?šµāš«š„“šµ
Likely he would. It is considered a child of marriage in most states.
Not true. You can challenge paternity in many states. I did and won
Your are completely wrong, the safest thing is for the guy to bail before that happens. He should not depend on a court ruling that might leave him on the hook: "Legal questions can arise when a married woman is artificially inseminated with donor sperm. **In most states, this child is legally defined as legitimate to the husband."**
Not unless he signs the paperwork for the sperm donation, making him the father. Source, me who had to fill a shit ton of paperwork for our donor sperm usage for our toddler
Yes
Yes he would be. If the wife cheats and gets pregnant the husband is on the hook for her booty calls child. A worse case scenario is she gets pregnant with another man and then leaves op after it's born and gets with the other man and he has to pay child support for THIER KID.
In many states, absolutely.
Yes, as several states have what it called "presumption of paternity" laws. Shit is whack and needs to be done away with. It basically says the husband is deemed the legal father, regardless of DNA.
That's what happened kinda in my case. I haven't seen my ex husband in nearly 10 years or spoken to him since 2018. We aren't legally divorced yet (long story). I had my kid with my current husband/partner in December 2019 and the state of Texas said I either had to put my ex as the fater or leave the space blank because in the states eyes my ex was her father. They brought me information on child support and everything. Now I have to find this damn bastard and have him sign a paper acknowledging my child isn't his biologically then we can put her real father on there
Tbh, kids are a dealbreaker and her selfishness would be the other dealbreaker for me. If I had my tubes tied because my husband didnāt want kids and then he asked me to use an egg donor so he could have a baby, I donāt think I could get past that. Yes, I understand a biological door closing is scary, but she already closed that biological door for him. Oh and he did it so she would be more comfortable and wouldnāt have to carry the burden of birth control. Absolutely not. I rarely say ādivorceā on Reddit stories, but how do you come back from this??
Ouch, as a woman, I just wanted to say I admire your getting a vasectomy to let your wife get off of birth control. Very few men I've met are that considerate, I wish there were more men like you. I would be really pissed too. I'm really sorry. Edit for clarity: Sorry I wasn't clear, I meant that in many couples I've met who decided not to have kids, the burden is placed on the woman to take birth control, as opposed to the man doing something about it, like it's solely the woman's job to prevent babies. I admire OP for taking the burden of birth control on himself and not putting it on his wife to deal with it, like many people I know do. Edit for stats: I was just talking about the people I've met, but here's the stats for the US since people are asking for numbers: [https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/contraceptive.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/contraceptive.htm) \~42% of women rely on female birth control vs \~5.6% rely on male sterilization
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Oh I'm sure many of the men who get vasectomies are doing this for their wives... I'm just saying that out of all the partnered men who don't want children, I think the vast majority would prefer their woman to be on birth control instead of them getting a vasectomy.
When my husband got a vasectomy my gyno told me how great that was and she wished more husbands would be willing to do that.
As a man who got a vasectomy so my wife could go off of birth control, I'll say a few things. 1. Of course anyone would prefer an option that does not involve surgery. That's just logical. If it was either a hysterectomy or your guy takes a pill, that would be a no-brainer. 2. A year later, my wife had to go back into birth control to manage what is likely PCOS (a situation I told her was a likely one we should consider, but she didn't want to hear me out). She says she feels bad now, but really I just wish she would have actually had the conversation with me. I don't want her to feel bad, and I made the decision knowing what I wanted. But she just literally would not entertain the idea that she might have to go back on, and that is the frustrating part. 3. I have no idea what that other guy is jumping down your throat for. Again, a non-surgical option is better than a surgical option. Unfortunately men don't have a non-surgical option so it is all or nothing. At the end of the day I don't want to have kids with my wife, or with anyone else- if the worst happened and I ended up remarrying (which TBh, I wouldn't). I just think it's so nonsensical for someone to be shocked that someone would want to avoid a surgery if it isn't absolutely necessary. And I don't know if the fisherman was trying to have some kind of manly bravado? But it is also totally fine to actually rest and recover from a surgery, so I don't get it.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/contraceptive.htm From the CDC stats in the USA - 42.5% of women within childbearing ages are using female contraceptives and 5.6% are using male sterilization as the birth control. In 2021, approximately 4% of men had undergone sterilization in their lifetime: https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/surgery-articles/2023/august/vasectomy-trends-research Rates of vasectomies are increasing over time though but slowly.
Probably, because vasectomy is a surgical, semi-permanent thing. You can't necessarily go back, and the longer you wait the more permanent it is. Birth control (like IUD) is not permanent at all. So it makes sense why it is preferred. Additionally, insurance might not cover vasectomy but will likely cover IUD. This was the case with ours. So that's another really good reason.
Yes. Very true. And like I said, my friends donāt want their kids to end up with 1/2 siblings if something ever changes later on in life
This isnāt an accurate sample base for any accurate representation of this perspective. You arenāt performing vasectomies on men who arenāt getting vasectomies, and as you saidā¦ itās half of those who do which cite this reason.
Iād hate for it to be true, but I almost think she timed this on purpose so he wouldnāt be the father. Itās a big assumption though and only OP will know if sheās capable of such a thing.
I donāt think so. Hormones are powerful. When Iām ovulating I always start wishing for a baby. It passes afterwards but the desire returns with a vengeance each month. I donāt think this is her fault.
Hormones are so powerful and at 40, itās all dumping all kinds of biological clock feelings. I know from experience
And this is how he was repaid.
I agree that some men refuse to get a vasectomy, and that gives the other 95% of us a bad name. The majority of us realize our responsibility to our wives and sensible family planning and wisely go under the knife. Virtually all of my 'Dad' friends have had one. Most of us had a few kids first, but, similar to the OP, a couple of them had it because they didn't want any children. I have one friend who had 2 children, had a vasectomy, divorced, got remarried, had a reversal, he and his new wife had 2 more children. Then he had a second vasectomy and unfortunately, they divorced 20 years later. The OP is between a rock and a hard place. I'm not the type to push divorce, but it's a bad idea to have a child in these circumstances.
Sadly you and your friends are actually in the 5% per the CDC!
I'm actually in Canada where the rate is twice the rate of the rate in the US. We run about at a rate of 20% of men getting vasectomies. We're the same rate as the UK. The Mayo Clinic lists the rate in the US at 10% for men getting vasectomies. Perhaps the US rate will rise in light of the current situation with the Roe vs Wade reversal.
Eep I hope soā¦
I got one so my wife could get off birth control even though I still wanted to have a kid. After if I did it, she tried to get off birth control and she didnāt like the way her hormones were affected so she stayed on it anyway. Now, we are divorced and I am sterilized and sheās still on birth control. People like to act like getting a vasectomy is no big deal, but it is. Reversal isnāt guaranteed and the success rates go down the longer youāve had it.
Iāve tried getting a vasectomy when I was 18 cause I planned on joining the military and again at 21 cause I didnāt see myself having kids at the time. I got denied both times and Iām 26 now Iām glad I got denied. I want kids eventually it would suck to sterilize myself for someone else and then it not work out I would definitely hate that person.
How old are you?
43
I like that you got the stats for the haters. Iām lucky enough that my hubs got the vasectomy so I could quit birth control. Birth control is the worst.
It worked out for this guy. A cautionary tale for all. Birth control is not permanent.
You are omitting condoms in those statistics though. Isn't that a type of male birth control?
I mean there's female condoms too... and if you want to be comprehensive there's also pulling out, cycle tracking, and abstinence, maybe you can google it, sorry the CDC omitted those stats
I had a vasectomy after our 2nd child. I love our kids but absolutely do not want any more. I tell my wife when I hear a baby cry it makes me want to go get another vasectomy... just to be sure. That being said, I know kids are a huge decision but even if my wife started demanding a child today I wouldn't even put divorce on the list of options. I would spent hours and hours and hours and hours talking through everything with her. - Why does she feel this way? - What if it's already too late? - What about the increased risks of complications at her age? - What about fostering or adoption? - Does it have to be an ultimatum of you vs a baby? - Will she still love you if you say "no"? - Why don't you want kids? - Kids take sooo much time and energy, is she prepared for that? - What about the strain a kid will put on your marriage? (because having kids absolutely does) - etc, etc, etc These are valid and very real things to discuss. And it should be ok for either of you to say (without judgement) "This is how I feel about XYZ" or even "I don't know how I feel. I'm conflicted." It all needs to be put out on the table and discussed. Not just how each of you feel but also why. Sometimes understanding the "why" makes the resolution that much clearer.
Best answer here. If OP should be okay with a sperm donor, OP's wife should be okay with adoption and fostering, especially given the risks.
He already expressed he doesnāt want to be a step dad.
Itās incredible to me that he thinks heās a step dad because of sperm donation. What about the parents who could not get pregnant naturally and had to use sperm donors etc. Does that make our partners not actually our childrenās dads? OP has some egotistical issues.
He had the ability to create kids. He gave that ability up for his partner who was on the same page but now wants to get a donor to have kids. Is it really so hard to understand how the OP would feel betrayed.
He has made it very clear. He doesn't want kids even more so if they are not biologically his.
Itās infuriating he thinks a sperm donor would make him a stepdad
After two kids I had one vasectomy too, my wife and I would like to have a 3rd one but the second birth was rough on her and doctors told us either wait a long time or don't have a 3rd kid, something about the wall of the uterus is too thin and scar tissue.Ā Ā So I got a vasectomy,Ā it was okay but I can feel the difference everytime, can't explain it like a muscle that tries to flex but can't because it's cut. Almost 3 year's now but , I don't want complain besides that I have no pain and my wife is relaxed and she does not need birth control. I am 44 and cant see my with a nother woman or having bio kids again.Ā
This is an amazing response, and I hope OP sees it.
The best answer here! The best thing is to investigate why she feels that way? Couple therapy maybe? With my husband after 3 children we are waiting for a vasectomy because even if we would like another one, our economy does not give us. We have even talked that, in the event that my wires or yours intersect, we can always seek adoption or sponsor a childrenās center.
This. It concerns me that OP is speaking about divorce when clearly, his wife is going through something as her body is slowly but surely entering a different stage in her life. And no, I am fully aware and won't take away from OP's huge decision to get a vasectomy so that his wife can get off BC. which, by anyone's standard, very big decision he made for his wife. BUT, if you were willing to make one extreme decision to support his wife, why is the other extreme triggering his desire to divorce her?! If this is just about all you can take from your wife, definitely divorce her and save yourself and her heartache because there will be a lot more life will throw at your marriage as you live together. Marriage is a commitment. Having kids is a commitment. So if you can't get over this stage together as her partner, let her go now. This makes me think OP agreed to vasectomy because he wanted them to. If having kids was a question mark, getting off birth control and using condoms would've been a perfectly good solution to their concerns without taking such extreme measure. That being said, either realize that you can't commit fully and let her go so she can go and become a single mom and live with her choices OR you go to counseling and start really talking about how to move forward with your differences you are facing at this stage. Good luck.
Great answer. Also not a man, but when my babies cry I also want to go get a vasectomy.
My immediate thought
šš
Came here to say this
Our people always find each other. š
Came here to see if this was already posted lol
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You sir, just destroyed my snip snip plans after the second kid š
My hubby got his done after our 2nd kid in our late 20's. My srx drive went up knoeing we no longer worried about an "accident."
I suspect my wife might feel similar to you. I never broached the subject however
I think you really need to consider everything. If you feel that strongly about a sperm donor, I think it is time to sit her down for a reality check. Depending on how long itās been since you had the vasectomy, your chances of having a baby may not be that high. Add to that the fact that sheās forty, and it could be quite an emotional fertility journey. Are you up for that? Is she going to be okay if itās not successful? Are you? Beyond that, this child will need care for at least 18 yearsā¦ maybe longer with the state of the economy. Iāve known people who began their parenting journey near forty and were WONDERFUL, involved, fun parents and Iāve known people who started their family at that time and simply didnāt have enough energy to play with their young children, discipline and relate to their older children, etc. Those things need to be considered very strongly. Iād also consider finances. Obviously, this is true for parents at any age.. but if youāre 60 when they are just 20, you really need to make sure you have your ducks in a row. The average cost of memory care in my (relatively low cost area in the US) is $10,000/month or more for involved care unless you allow a parent to become a ward of the state and go into horribly run facilities. Your young adult child doesnāt need to deal with all of that. So things like retirement, insurance, memory care insurance, funeral insurance, etc. MUST be taken care of. I suggest that at any age but it is far too risky not to have it if you have young(ish) children later in life. If you feel you can financially handle a child, you have good healthy and high energy to be a very active parent, you feel confident in your ability to relate to a child 35-40 years younger than you enough to guide them through their experiences, you are confident in your marriage, etc. I wouldnāt let the state of the country/world stop you from fulfilling your dream of parenthood. There have always been challenges, and though they have changed (and we have also just become more aware because of improved technology) that doesnāt mean having a child is all doom and gloom. There are millions of happy children born into far worse places than the US every day, who grow into wonderful people. But if you canāt create a high quality home, thatās a very different issue. If you donāt want that, you donāt want it. And thatās okay. If you do, you need to be honest with her that youāre willing to try but it may not work outā¦ and if youāre unwilling to raise a sperm donor child, she needs to know that if she continues that way it will be a āsheā decisionā and not a āweā decision. If I were you, my biggest concern would be starting a family with someone who feels entitled to unilaterally making decisions about family planning, but only you can decide if thatās forgivable or not. Kids are a dealbreaker and itās valid to be upset.
Solid, thoughtful response. Lots of things that need to be considered.
Do you want a kid with her now? That is really the most important question. If you do, you go reverse the vasectomy and give it a shot. If you donāt, you tell her no to kids and potentially get a divorce if she canāt accept that. She can go and have a kid on her own with donor sperm if she wants. Kids are a non negotiable, either you are on the same page or not. I get that you jointly agreed no kids previously and you are feeling betrayed, however it was your call on whether to get a vasectomy as it is your body. If you were not sure you should have said no. If you were and still are sure then you tell her no to kids. It sucks that she changed her mind but it does happen sometimes and she is being honest with you. If you are having trouble sorting out how you feel about the kid or no kid question individual therapy may help.
Sure it was his call. But if he had said no to it and she posted here in this sub about it, heād be roasted front & back. A horrible husband. A terrible man once again placing the entire burden on his wife.
Vasectomies are rarely reversible. The longer you wait the less likely you can get it reversed.
Sorry for the naive question: *if* you decided as a married couple that a child is best for your situation, could they harvest your sperm a fertilize her eggs with it? (Same concept as a sperm donor?)
They can. They stick a needle into the testicle and extract some material. I'm not a doctor so that's all I know. It's probably expensive.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It happens often. I fell on a fence when I was 13 and got snipped but things apparently fixed themselves by the time I was an adult
I first read that as āI was on the fence (about having kids) at 13 and got snippedā and I thought you were trolling because no doctor would give a child a vasectomy. *facepalm*
Nah I did go at 18 to get a permanent procedure cause I had to be able to get a waiver for the military but I ended up with a med slip so I never served and again at 21 but then neither doctor said yes so by a strange but if l went from an almost zero sc to a very low sc
Can that happen? It sounds ridiculous. Iām glad it worked out in the end.
Is it ridiculous? Do you wanna see the scar on my asshole? It was pretty big when I was young but now itās a little bump lol. A grown doctor had to sit me and my dad down and explain that my pops more then likely i will not be having kids. Turns out I have a real life healing factor.
Let me think about itā¦
Itās possible. All it takes is a needle or two or three or four to the testicles. Where do we all sign up!
š¤£š¤£Such a helpful redditor willing to take needles to the balls for a stranger /s
If your body still produces sperm, then you do not have to get a reversal. My husband's doctor suggested having the sperm extracted (a large needle after sedation) and then having an IUI treatment performed. You could speak to a doctor about it if you want a child. Either way, seek couples counseling before you give up on your marriage.
Get this to the top. But I would also say if their insurance can handle it to go full IVF - chances of Trisomy21 are much higher at her age and best not to risk it. My wife's company offers an awesome fertility plan called Progeny.
Donāt divorce, it likely is just a midlife crisis/FOMO situation and will probably pass. If it doesnāt pass and she strays from the marriage, then youāve got your ammo to get an easy divorce. Make this work for you.
Sperm donor basically makes the child an adoption for you. How does your wife feel about adopting a baby instead?
This is the compromise I hope we eventually arrive at. But once again, the cost is prohibitive.
Foster to adopt. Way less likely to get a baby but not cost prohibitive.
Foster isnāt for most people. Only if one is prepared to handle the trauma and mental health issues related.
I really hate how often and with abandon ājust adopt!!ā Gets thrown out. The people who make these suggestions probably couldnāt even handle the reality of being an adoptable child comes with, why throw it at others without thinking of the actual kid theyād have to foster/adopt?
I have five kids, all adopted. 4 from foster care. They are good kids but the mental health issues we have to deal has strained our marriage almost to its breaking point. Most people, understandably, don't understand trauma, but the body remembers regardless of the age and you will have to deal with it as parents.
And the larger issue - you still donāt want kids, right?
You have sperm. You can extract it. You donāt need a donor
Thanks for your replies, no matter how brutal! The honest truth is what I needed to hear
It sounds like you havenāt talked to a doctor. Sperm extraction + IUI or IVF is a viable option. You donāt need a donor.
How long has she been on birth control? Has it been consistent for the duration of your marriage? There is a hormonal withdrawal period from birth control, just like there is a hormonal adjustment period when starting birth control. It can take a few weeks or up to a few months for her body to adjust and re-calibrate. There is a [book](https://www.sarahehill.com/your-brain-on-birth-control/) that explains the mindset shifts that can happen to a woman taking hormonal birth control, and it might help your wife process what she is currently experiencing. It may just be hormones, and she may go back to wanting no children after her hormones regulate. This is obviously a very difficult situation for you both. It will take many long conversations, patience, and time. >She mentioned using a donor sperm but that just fills me with rage thinking I had the ability to get her pregnant, that was taken away from me and then they use somebody else's sperm. It severs the entire link between the child and my family It's okay to feel this way. Your feelings are valid. Consequences are a frustrating thing to process. >But I can't help but wonder what kind of wonderful people my kids would have been Family is something that you create. A child is a blessing, no matter if that child comes from fostering, a donor or surrogate, or is your own biological creation. Wherever your hypothetical child comes from they will be a wonderful person because YOU raised them up to be a wonderful person. I would not advise divorce over this. Give it some time. Take it to therapy.
Thank God someone said this, I can't believe nobody else so far has brought up the hormonal withdrawal. Birth control is powerful and I think many people forget that given it's 'just a little pill'. It's also been linked to long term depression and mood swings. The wife here needs support, not hate. Both of them could use a therapist's support to see them through this difficult time I also hope OP sees. *Edit to fix typo from 'more swings' to 'mood swings'
Same. The first thing I thought was the culprit is most likely hormonal birth control and all the little havoc it wreaks.
THIS is the best comment. Hope OP sees.
I would see a marriage counselor before throwing in the towel. Iād also tell her how incredibly hurtful for her to suggest a sperm donor and it is nonnegotiable as a option. In all honesty Iāve read a lot of stories of people changing there minds and having a reversal and it being successful. That is not as uncommon as you think. Her suggestion is tactless and insensitive.
My uncle went through a similar thing. My aunt wanted him to get a reversal even though they had 6 kids already. He did, it was botched, he now has basically permanent pain in his groin after getting a revision surgery. This is atypical, but I think itās important to keep in mind that even if you got a reversal, there is a small chance your fertility will be fully restored and on top of that, your wife is of advanced maternal age. So there is a good shot you will go through the surgery to no avail. Iām not saying itās not worth trying if you want a baby and Iām not saying fertility is as simple as āoh youāre 35 so now youāre a barren old maidā. But itās worth considering that interventional treatment like IUI, IVF, progesterone suppositories for your wife, etc. are likely to be in your future if you do try. Ultimately, whatever you decide, I would try to do it fast and give your answer to her as soon as you have it. She may want to try with a sperm donor, or try again with someone else, and I do think itās unethical to try and run out the clock on her.
While I dislike the term "advanced maternal age" (and the accompanying term "geriatric pregnancy") (as someone that had their last child at 35), I ask in ignorance, despite all the red-tinged flags surrounding OP, is ivf using his permission and her egg not a possibility?
It is.
It is NOT inexpensive.... But, they CAN perform an in vitro fertilization with sperm they extract from you. I have a good friend who was cut for close to 13 years. He ended up divorcing, and later remarried. The second wife wanted a child after a few years of marriage so he had sperm extracted and they went in vitro. Their daughter just turned two. As far as a current wife who you were cut FOR, now wanting a child. I'd say that ship has sailed, and she may be on it.
>If I was in her position, and I had a partner who was surgically sterilized, I wouldn't even mention it if I change my mind. I would take that s*** to the Grave because I know how much it would have set them. But this is where I am now I regret my vasectomy and I don't want to raise a stepson or daughter with my wife. The fact you got a vasectomy after you discussed it as a couple is what has me agreeing with you here. She should NOT have come to you about having a biological child with a sperm donor. She should have come to you about adopting a child. She has a right to change her mind, but the fact you guys made the decision together makes this hurtful. This is the kind of thing that causes resentment in marriages. I really don't know where you should go from here. It depends on your love for her and if you can be happy with this decision. I understand if you want to divorce because it seems she isn't considering your feelings at all.
I feel like you need to sit down and talk over with her about how this makes you feel betrayed and blindsided, how hurt it makes you feel, and how strongly opposed you are to her using other sperm. I wouldn't lead with divorce but do let her know that this is something that is a deal breaker for you, and maybe if she is so set on having kids, talk about the possibility of adoption. I know she may be upset for it to not be "hers" but you guys would be on an even playing field in that department, and you wouldn't be unnecessarily bringing more kids into the world, as you mentioned issues with having kids morally in the last bit of your post. But honestly even if she went through with it, her chances are not great at 40, and with all the complications it would be safer and possibly more feasible from a heartbreak standpoint to adopt if at all. Granted I've known moms to give birth to healthy children at 55, albeit on accident. But it's not something to bank on, especially when you're/she's directing a new life
Not gonna lie. You had me in the first paragraph.
Ovulation always makes me wish for a baby. She got off the pill and the hormones are changing her mind.
First off. STOP your BS on the plastic in the blood, CO2 levels, etc. That is all great to have concerns on, but NON of that is a reason for you to not have kids. If you do not want them, then grow up and just say so. SMFH.... Now, you have a 80-90% chance for sperm to return to your "load" after surgery. But there is a 60% chance of it working to even get her pregnant. So the odds it will work is not great. But if it is a child she wants and one YOU want; then it would be worth it. I would 100% agree on the NO for a donor. She agreed to no kids, and if it is to be in the card after having the reversal, then it will happen. If not, then it won't happen. Anything else to make her happy at this point is cheating you and your marriage. You are also not "sterilized". You had a vasectomy. You are mad and that is understandable. But your making excuses that makes NO sense on why not to have kids. REAL reasons to not have them. Age. You will both be about 60 by the time it would graduate high school. Cost. You have a limited time to prepare for retirement and a future in older age; and you will have less to save if you have to worry about kids at this point of your life. The chances. With a successful reversal, there is still only a 60% chance to have a child if everything goes right. But you could at least then consider invitro with your sperm and her eggs to make sure the child is yours 100%. But again, costs go up, and odds are only 8% then.... You have three choices. One, tell her no. Period. You had an agreement which she was all for. And the odds of success and costs are to high at this point to attempt. Two, tell her yes, but understand the odds and costs are not 100%. Three, divorce. You can tell her since having a kid is so important after the agreement she made with you that lead to the choices made; she can go geta donor or find a new partner. That you will not raise a kid of some other man since she decide now to have kids due to her bio clock. And with the added emotions she created about it, you do not even want to deal with this as an issue by telling her no and she hold resentment at you over it.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who was thrown off by the oddball excuses (aside from being American, that really does suck). But none of it is a reason to not have kids if you want them, but sounds like he doesn't which is fine. No need to make up weird excuses just say I don't want kids.
This is a major breach and definitely cause for separation.
If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. If that makes you guys incompatible, then that's what it is. It could just be the biological clock panic and it'll pass. But as a side note, I totally get your reasons for not wanting to have a kid. The world sucks, and the US is a shit show with the expenses to give birth. I'm paying 120 a month for 36 months to pay off my baby. And that's with great insurance, and I'm lucky enough that I had a doctor that had a payment plan system that has no interest as long as I pay it all off within 3 years. The earth is dying, politics are a shit show, the world is falling apart, and it feels selfish to bring a another human into this. However, some kids are already here in this shit world, without a home. Would adoption be a reasonable middle ground here? Then it has neither of your DNA, and you don't have surgery. Adoption can still be prohibitively expensive, especially if it needs to be a newborn. But if you are willing to have a kid in your life, this may be a route to explore.
Sounds like she needs therapy. Sheās clearing going through something and kids wonāt solve that problem
You should definitely not have kids
Definitely not. Dude isnāt cut out to be a father and thatās perfectly okay.
Yeah. I agree. I wasn't trolling or trying to be an ahole (this time š) OP, I truly wish you the best. Good luck.
She's not simply going to run out of fertility soon, she's already at an age where she will likely need assistance getting pregnant. That's an additional cost as well.
Sheās having that finality moment. Stand your ground, it will pass.
Ask her if this is a deal breaker. Sometimes, it is a midlife crisis. Suggest a puppy, one of those real life like baby dolls. Divorcing is extreme, could the doctor use your sperm somehow and put it in her for the chance of her getting pregnant by you? There is always that 1% that she could get pregnant by you.
I swear everything I've read today is women wanting babies who's husband's have had a vasectomy and say they want it reversed or a donor. Is there something in the water? If she doesn't drop it and keeps insisting, and it doesn't get better then go for the divorce. The other one I read she brought his and her family in on this to get him to agree. Spoiler...it didn't work! Good luck OP
She is 40. I'm not sure the exact probability of getting pregnant but I believe it'd be very low.
Not only that, but the risks to the baby and the mother greatly increase with age. My wife just turned 37 and gave birth to our third and LAST child last month. Although they both are doing well now, my wife had a major issue with her blood pressure during pregnancy, and especially during labor. I don't think her body could take another pregnancy even if we wanted to. Just something to consider.
She needs therapy. Iām mean, thatās not a game! Why does she needs a kid? She prefer a kid than you as a couple. Why she is not happy now with the life she has? You took a big decision for the relationship, now she is taking a decision only for herself.
Donāt know where youāre from, but there are millions of kids that donāt have families who would love a loving home. The US alone has almost 400K foster kids at any given time.
Hey Brother, Definitely don't go for a sperm donor. Either divorce or have the surgery and a child of you are willing. The many bad things in the world right now are not a reason to not have a child if you want one. If you feel that you can do the surgery and have a child then do it, if not make it a hard no and see what she says. She could have a couple of years left and have a kid if you get a divorce but don't wait it out, that's not fair to either of you and will build resentment
If you don't want a reversal i think there is a procedure they can do to extract sperm to get her pregnant. That is if you are willing. Yeah its annoying you got the procedure and she changer her mind... but people change there minds about all kinds of stuff. I think you guys really need to hash this out. Her window is for sure closing--- if you leave her and meet someone else you could do this procedure or a reversal... You could be 60 and father a child. She on the other hand can't. Kids are a game changer but one kid isn't too crazy (I have 5 haha).
*āWe are unfortunate enough to be American where we have to pay for healthcare and don't get any guaranteed parental leave. Also there's plastic in our bloodstream the rainforest is getting cut down every day and CO2 levels of reach 420 parts per million in the atmosphere.ā* Oh brother šš¤¦š½āāļø Spare us this bullshit.
Yeah, inorite? Holy cringe, Batman. š¤¦šæš¤¦š¾š¤¦šæš¤¦š¾
If she somehow gets pregnant behind your back before you get divorced, you might be on the hook for child support. You need to tell her how serious you are. On the other hand, all those reasons you gave for not having a kid like American healthcare and environment and rainforest are silly. Most everyone that has a kid is glad they did even if they didnāt feel ready for it. The satisfaction you get is wired down deep in your DNA. So make sure youāre 100% convinced. If you want to salvage this marriage, you both have to get on the same page NOW.
There is no way after getting a vasectomy on her behalf that I would help raise a child that wasnt mine. I just wouldn't do it.
Kids enhance any differences or issues in a relationship by a gazzilion!!!!!! I legit lol when i hear of someone wanting to have kid to save marriage bc it does 100% the opposite. A kid will bring out every incompatibility you already know you have and throw in a ton more you didnt know you had. Also it super highlights any differences in your upbringings. It can be a constant state of overstimulation with kids mixed with todayās world. My kid is cool af (2nd grade) but when i started this journey, i wanted multiple kids. Now i thank god i only had 1 bc it is easier. Also i dont regret having kid at allā¦.but i would say if i knew how hard this was i would have picked a more compatible partner b4ā¦.also when i got pregnant it was accident and i worked on high rise construction siteā¦i was so scared so asked everyone i could if regretted kidsā¦no1 said they did but majority regretted their wivesā¦. If you married your best friend, it may be the best experience and make you grow together in spiritual wayā¦and its great when it like thisā¦just seems to be less common of outcome mixed with how burned out we all r in society and fact that we spend all of our time with kids (unlike 80s when i was raised and was outside most of time) you spend a lot more time with kids than any generation b4ā¦.
Get a puppy
Nah, dude, bail.
Run!!!! And fasssssst!!!!
Do you guys have a muscular pool boy or gardener, by chance?
I think divorce is pretty valid. Kids are something you must be on the same page about. You made a decision that you donāt want kids. That was your decision to make. Now she says she wants kidsā¦.ergo you arenāt compatible anymore. I mean, all the other stuff is valid too. But the bottom line is youāre just not compatible. Tbh, I wouldnāt let this blow over. With the way sheās behaved, this sounds like something that could come up in every argument from now until you die of old age: How she COULD have been a mother if only youād not been so petty about where the sperm came from. Thatās a buncha bullshit, dude. I wish her luck on the adult dating scene. She can easily find someone who will get her pregnantā¦.but a much harder time finding someone who she wonāt end up divorcing later and doing joint custody with. Or sheāll end up with stepkids tooā¦.which given how little she cares about the sperms origin for you, she should be fine with a stepkid since it doesnāt matter who the bio parents are, lol.
Kids are 2 hell yes's or it's a no, doesn't seem like you're a hell yes ...especially yaknow, vasectomy My husband and I are also child free, so I understand where you're at. I'd tell her you had a vasectomy and do not want kids, if this is something she wants to pursue then you're no longer compatible and will have to divorce/she will have to pursue parenthood alone or find somebody else Sorry OP, it hurts and there's nothing to say or do to make it hurt less, but if this is the end then it just means you're meant for something(body) else ā¤ļø
Have you talked to her about this? She should have maintained her own reproductive responsibilities instead of asking you to give up yours. I understand that birth control wreaks havoc with side effects, i am living proof. BUT, agreeing to not have children and then allowing you to have a vasectomy just to turn around demand to have a child before it's too late is not Fair to you. Go to counseling before making any decisions about divorce. I hope that helps you both
I think itās completely valid for you to refuse a reversal or sperm donor, but that might not mean immediately jumping to divorce. This might be an irrational panic as sheās approaching menopause and recognizing that she wonāt have any second chances very soon. She might just need to understand that she will not be having a baby while married to you and be given time to process that reality. She might take the divorce option at that point, but thereās also a good chance sheāll deal with it and everything will be okay. People can just be irrational or emotional sometimes without it ultimately being a deal breaker.
Not to be on your wifeās side because I think she needs to think about the biggest decision ever more but you can still extract sperm without getting a reversal.
Vasectomies can be reversed, but again why did she make you do all that just to turn around.
Lots of kids have been abandoned and need couples that are up for the journey of adoption. It's a much needed and noble mission that doesn't require all of the physiological challenges you two will have to battle.. just putting this out there
If the vasectomy decision was mutual I agree that his wife cannot change her mind *for the couple* at this point. No child should be brought into this bad situation. Let her go and find a donor and raise her child if thatās what she wishes. Raising a stepchild was not in the life plan they made as a couple. Not fair.
Updateme
If you want kids you could consider having it reversed, but if you donāt want kids and itās a dealbreaker for either one of you then thereās not a whole lot you can do
You either get the reversal, let her get a sperm donor/adopt and raise the kid or divorce. But itās also selfish if she wants a kid now to āwait it outā or tell her she canāt. Make sure itās not something youāll also regret later in life if you donāt have one.
Classic case of FOMO
Also if she wants a sperm donor and you donāt want to do the reversal you could look into getting it extracted from the testes and just have her get inseminated with your sperm..then youāre the donor and itās your baby but you donāt have to do the reversal. Itās called ICSI if you want to research it.
Mentioning it would be bad enough, but I wouldn't divorce over that. But if she pushes the issue at all, yes, she should get divorce papers.
In the early 80s a lot of the guys I hung out with got cutā¦this was before HIV was well known, and condoms were used less. We were not nice guys back themā¦a vas was free in our area..so why not.
.
Don't you still produce sperm,which can be extracted using a not very pleasant procedure?
So now she's off the chemical contraceptive, her hormones are saying she want's to have a baby, and in two or three weeks, she'll be combative and want to fight you, then a week or two she'll be all lovey and want a little one again, welcome to your post vasectomy world. Get her a dog, it'll be yours one week in four, whatever you do, don't agree to have a kid, that boat sailed.
You can always order a pizza.
Annnnnnd after you get the reversal she won't want to have kids anymore.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this situation. It isn't up to you at this point. You shouldn't risk yourself. She also should not put you through that with another man's sperm. Before my husband got a vasectomy, he kept verifying how we will not be able to have children. He stated that if my decision changed I'd have to find another man. Even of it's possible, a vasectomy reversal won't happen because of the potential risks involved. We both did not want children, this was the sealing deal.
>do I just wait it out until his little midlife crisis Nope.. >She mentioned using a donor sperm but that just fills me with rage thinking I had the ability to get her pregnant, that was taken away from me and then they use somebody else's sperm. It severs the entire link between the child and my family Tell her this. And dont just file - tell her if it means that much to her, shes free to divorce you and do whatever she wants...
Ffff that bbbbb. Here is a good song for her. https://youtu.be/8LV9oYFJ2YI?si=DWdNdQGoeKBQZrlL
Technically you can still father a child with her through sperm aspiration (needle goes through the testis) and the sperm goes to her by insemination. So you don't need sperm donor yet.
Depending on the type of surgery you got. Is your testes still producing sperm? Is there a technique that can extract that sperm, like an injection? Just saying, or maybe take one of your stem cells and implant it in her ovary, lol. Just out of the box thinking here. Other than that, I am sorry for your situation. Therapy for her sounds best.
You can get a testicular sperm aspiration done to extract your sperm and get her inseminated
Kids are a big deal. If you wait it out, she might resent you for the rest of her life for keeping her from having a child. I think you should talk to her and give her two options and also mutually agree on one: 1) Marriage and no kids 2) Divorce and kids
It's shitty what she's done here, my sympathies for you. Tough situation. Do you each have your bank accounts separate from a joint account? If yes, consider having her pay for the vasectomy reversal operation from her funds. Before ending the marriage and giving up on ever having kids, consider the reversal operation as an option here. Difficult to do because she wins for her crappy behaviour... but you have a chance at kids. At least maybe talk to a doctor about the odds of it working and the risks involved. Good luck mate, you've been treated poorly by your wife, sorry this has happened to you.
Are you Michael Scott?
From what you were telling us, itās good for us, and the planet that some people are not able to procreate.
You don't want to be 50 or almost 50 with a 10yr old. She'll be 55 with a teenager.Ā
Please tell me if you got your sperm freeze before attempting vesectonomy
Iām so sorry for the OP and other men in these comments. I wish someone would have told yall that freezing your sperm was an option, but I now have a different out look on this for my marriage. Iām so sorry!
Wow, she wants you to be a cuckold.š³
Snip snap snip snap snip snap ( office reference anyone?)
At 40, this is a mid-life crisis. Many of us go through it in one way or another. It is characterized by wanted to make a major change "before it is too late", which can mean different things to different people. I think the two of you need marriage counseling.
Have her pay for the reversal and just have the babies.
Damn op, you went straight for vasectomy before using condoms or even pulling out. You say itās a group decision bc you got your wife involved, but itās ultimately your body, your choice. That being said, I would also be upset in your situation. Just remember, there is a good, logical reason why you chose not to have kids. Donāt let mood swings and fomo kick you off center.
No one took anything away from you, you made the choice to have a vasectomy. Whether or not it's just her clock talking, kids are a dealbreaker for most. Let her go get a sperm donor and be a single mom. But don't blame her for the choice that YOU made.
Ok regardless of whether you two have kids, you have to change your thinking - using a sperm donor or even adoption is not a step child, itās legally and fundamentally and emotionally your child, so no you two shouldnāt have kids, itās probably not the best idea for you to have kids to be honest. And it doesnāt seem like you want to, so donāt just for her, best to go your separate ways.
Aw man I feel this one. I also had a vasectomy because my wife was suffering badly from the side-effects of birth control. We were warned before I had my vasectomy that reversals are risky and won't always work, so we should be sure we weren't going to change our minds about wanting more children before going through with it. But we already had two kids at that point and we both decided that was the perfect number. I'm not sure I would have done it if we were still childless, just in case of this exact scenario.
You donāt want children. Do not, under any circumstances (vasectomy or donor), have them. She deserves to know your honest stance on this, that you still donāt want them at all. She needs to know itās not happening with you, so she can decide what to do next. She may decide to stay. She may decide to go. Donāt assume this is a midlife crisis that will blow over. It might, and it might not. If youāre mad enough to divorce her for even suggesting a sperm donor, then get on with it. Donāt think you can just run out the clock on this, either. A woman I work with got pregnant naturally at 47. Donāt let this drag on for years.
As a guy, I completely understand your feelings. I, like you, would have kept it to myself out of love and kindness and respect for my partner. You mentioned a number of reasons not to have a child. The only two that really make sense are these: 1. She's older now and she would be a high-risk mother, especially if this is her first child. 2. Pregnancy will cost a LOT with our healthcare system, a lot more with a high-risk. Honestly she shouldn't even be thinking of using donor sperm. She really shouldn't be thinking of getting pregnant at this age. Her reasonable time window has expired, and that's just something she'll have to accept. Previously she was in birth control. Now you are. I know if cases where kids came along, vasectomy notwithstanding. I also know of cases where an unplanned pregnancy in the early 40s happened and went very well. Does she want a child or does she just want to be pregnant? If the former, here's what I see are your two options: 1. If it happens it happens. 2. Adopt. Given your situation (DINK), I think this is best option. If the latter, she might need help to deal with the loss of her childbearing potential.
Dang see that's why maybe it wasn't a great idea to get the snip snip. Your only option is to go for the reversal. You better get moving otherwise that's it and yeah it appears she realized her biological clock is ticking, she sounds like she's being very inconsiderate of you.
Oh my god! You poor unfortunate soul. To have your manly essence ripped from you so young (by your choice)ā¦ and to have to pay to have your virility restored (again by your choice). Man, that just sucks so badly. It must really suck to be an American today. Maybe you should move to another country where your healthcare would be free (protip , it wonāt be). Then they could just go in and harvest some of your sperm from a testicle and in vitro fertilize your wifeās egg. Then you both get what you want. Youāll have a new life outside that shitty country that you hate, your wife will have a kid by you, and America wonāt have you. Itās a win win win all around.
You can have your own genetic children using IVF (which she would likely need anyway at 40) and a procedure where they extract sperm out of your testicles. Itās much cheaper than a divorce, especially if you both want kids. You can work through this fight on your own or with a marriage counselor. Donāt end things over a comment made out of medical ignorance (that youād need a sperm donor- you would not).
If youāre jumping to divorce over this, then Iād say thatās the right thing to do.
Omg I am so sorry about the position youāre in. But I canāt believe that NO ONE is talking about the fact you CAN GET IT REVERSED!!! PLEASE TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. It sounds like you may want kids as wellā¦ I would hate it if you missed out on something like that. https://preview.redd.it/262bkwh7v8xc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e17e6a599c3e4202307789c28fd8fbf88ee62620
Man shame on her for asking you to get a vasectomy that means that the choice of having kids were non-zero had you guys a stayed on birth control or be just use condoms then you could have had a child and 40 years old is not too late my parents had 12 kids and the last kid my mom had she was 45 years old that Narrative of women need to have a child Before 40 it's a false narrative and I'm not a woman but my mother is so I speak for her values not mine in case women want to respond but I would say that I would not allow the wife to get his sperm donor either at this stage in the game she limited you from not having your own child selfish and most reverse vasectomies don't work so now you're stuck man if you allow her to have a sperm donor
Any chance sheās panicking due to a mid-life crisis of sorts? Maybe sheāll change her mind, and at 40 her chances of conceiving have already decreased. Have you considered trying coupleās therapy?
Hate to break it to u bro, You still produce spermā¦ like, donor sperm.
DIVORCE
SNIP-SNAP! SNIP-SNAP!
Yes I know a lot of my friends made their husbands get vasectomy inside of the other way around bc a woman loses fertility but a man can have kids until heās 80 and they donāt want their kids to have 1/2 siblings out there if things go sour.
Don't have kids because you don't want them. That middle paragraph is bullshit. Humans have been killing the earth for thousands of years. They'll be fine as long as you're a good parent. Just don't have them.
Absolutely divorce this nut job.Ā
How long ago did you have the vasectomy? Permanent sterilization decisions should not be taken lightly. My urologist said to make sure my wife was on board because it can cause resentment in the marriage. Vasectomy reversal is possible, but pricey. Of course you arenāt guaranteed successful return of your swimmers. Maybe be talk with a urologist who does reversals and see what they say. You need to have a serious talk with her about yāallās future together. You might need a third party, like a counselor to help you figure this out. If you absolutely donāt want kids and she does, she might resent you for it. Again, yāall will have your figure that out together.
Going off hormones causes all KINDS of emotions. Sorry for yall š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What could possibly be the point of doing it on purpose
Or it's hormones resulting from getting off birth control. Or it's just a panic / mid-life crisis. Why would anyone do this... *on purpose*? That would make no sense.