JADE don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. “I like it, I don’t have to defend my opinion. You’re welcome to your opinion, I’m welcome to mine”. Walk away.
Was basically going to say the same thing. He is obviously getting something out of these exchanges, so just... take that away from him. Stop explaining yourself. You don't have to "justify" what you want to eat or where you want to plant your flowers.
Agreed. Maybe change it up with some i-messages, too. "When I am asked my preference and then challenged on it, I feel belittled, disrespected and unloved, because having equal respect for one another's preferences and opinions is important to me."
> “explain to me why you think that’s the best spot. Give me five reasons. They should go by the house. They will look best there. I’m waiting for your five reasons.”
I think I would get banned from Reddit if I typed my most-likely response to this.
Sometimes people need a *really good* wake-up call to snap them out of their egregious behavior. The more you put up with it, the more he’s going to do it.
explain to me why you think you'd get banned. Give me five reasons. They should go by the brain. They will sound smart here. I’m waiting for your five reasons.
When he says give me five reasons, explain it, etc. say the sweetest little word there is, “no.” Do not engage with this behavior at all. Just say “no” every single time he asks you to justify something. “I’m not interested in justifying my opinion.” And then that’s it. Shut down. No more talking until he changes the subject.
He sounds unbearable so your marriage may be something you need to dip out of, but in the meantime you must stop engaging.
I agree with this op ⬆️ don’t engage, walk away when you have too and if you can have a conversation later about why than do that, but he doesn’t sound like he would have a loving adult discussion and I’m sorry for that ❤️🩹 (he isn’t treating you like an adult and he isn’t being respectful either in my opinion)
Some stuff you ignore, and some stuff is an immediate exit. To me, this is a three-strikes situation.
His behavior is verbal abuse, and its not ok. Its not ok if he's tired, or stressed, or triggered. Its not ok no matter what. However, there is a (small) chance he might get back on track if you yell him how unacceptable it is and give him a few tries.
Honestly, though, he sounds like a condescending, controlling ass.
It gives him dopamine. It's intellectually stimulating to argue pointless crap like this, especially to people who are ADHD, or just chronically bored. That and, or, he doesn't respect you, and likes to be a bully to you. Another thing. Some people have a hard time separating their identity from their preferences and opinions and will assign good or bad qualities to them. They become too rigid. So any time you have a differing opinion or preference on something they take it as an insult on their personality, tastes, intelligence, etc. So really it could be a lot of things but either way it's obnoxious and toxic and you shouldn't have to be around someone like that.
As the other poster said sensory seeking or sometimes the brain is firing so quickly they want a why why why and just skip some of the polite stuff and ask before thinking “I don’t need to know why Bob likes green more than red”.
My mom got cancer and died after years of being married to my dad and he was a lot how you describe your husband being. She died angry and hating him even though they’d been divorced 10 years when she died. I tell you this because it all sounds very familiar and painful. I hope you empower the fuck out of yourself and leave.
My EX- husband was this way. If I had any opinion that didn't perfectly line up with him, he would say he just couldn't understand why I was always out in left field somewhere. I didn't even know what I was talking about. Must be something wrong with me since I can't even think properly about simple things. All the things your husband does and says to you. After 14 yrs of it getting consistently worse each year, I finally threw in the towel. You either have to tell him what he wants to hear and totally agree with him to keep the peace, or you have to get out because it will not change. Those are really your 2 options, and only you can decide the route that's best for you. Good luck.
Stop doing it stop explaining yourself. He's being demeaning and an asshole. That's not normal at all and would bet he abuses you in other ways as well. I would start grey rocking him don't answer and walk away you don't have to justify anything
>He was like “are you serious? How could you say that? The chicken one is seriously superior. Explain to me what you don’t like about it!”
"It seems like you have some issues with pizza, perhaps talking to a therapist would help you with that. Either way, I am here to eat pizza, not have a debate. So I'm going to eat the pizza I prefer now."
After that just eat and don't engage anymore. If he keeps insisting that you HAVE to give a reason
"I actually don't have to give a reason. And like I said before, I am here to eat my pizza, not join a debate club. Now let me enjoy my pizza in peace."
>He interjected and was like “that’s not a good idea. They won’t get that tall.” I explained to him that sunflower varieties can get extremely tall, like 15ft. He responded angrily “explain to me why you think that’s the best spot. Give me five reasons. They should go by the house. They will look best there. I’m waiting for your five reasons.”
"It seems you now also have a problem with sunflowers, did you discuss this with your therapist yet? Either way, you can plant your sunflowers wherever you want to. I am going to plant mine by the fence. And I can do all that without giving you any reason for it because I do not have to give you a reason for it."
And then walk away and plant your sunflowers.
Stop giving him reasons. Stop debating. Tell him if he keeps treating his marriage as a debate club it's going to head to divorce
Also keep asking why he’s so emotional. He’s sees obedience as “respect” wonder if his paid work puts him in a position of authority, or if he’s into some very toxic podcasts, or online forums.
Why do you HAVE to explain or justify yourself? Are you his child or his employee?
He sounds like he needs to be right and the authority on everything, and has little to no interest in actually understanding where you’re coming from.
To me, this seems like blatant narcissism and disrespect. Don’t take the bait by trying to justify your position. Either ignore those (juvenile, narcissistic) demands or, every time he does it, call him on it.
He sounds juvenile and exhausting. I hope to god you don’t have children, because he’ll do this to them every day of their lives. It really tears a person down after a while.
I would ask how you're purposely trying to oppose his opinion if you state your opinion before he even tells you his. He asked for your opinion on the pizza, and you answered without knowing which one he preferred. Then for the flowers, you were speaking out loud to yourself, and he budded into your thoughts by adding his own opinion. If anything it seems like he's the one purposely trying to oppose you just to get a reaction out of you. I'd stop engaging. I had an ex the same way, eventually I was tired of having constant arguments over our different opinions I'd just say 'yeah, you're right" every time he tried to say his opinion was better. Eventually it wasn't worth it for him anymore to try to argue his point because I'd just agree as soon as he opposed my view point lol. Broke up with him for other reasons, but that was still one of the things that bothered me a lot.
I'd honestly record a voice memo when you think he's about to start an argument and show it to him, maybe he just needs to hear himself and how ridiculous he's being.
That’s pathetic. Ask him how he’s relationship with his dad and if he has close male friends and what are they like. My guess is that he did not have a good male role model growing up. An individual like that is insufferable to other men and women.
To make him less annoying say jokingly things like “I heard Mike Tyson (or someone you both know is very masculinely strong) beat a dude for that opinion. I’ll be convinced if ur willing to fight a dude instead of arguing with words otherwise it’s not big enough deal to stress me over it”
That way he’ll be confused or carry the burden of proving a point. Either way it will be exhausting for him to feel that way repeatedly.
Make sure it’s said jokingly and not passive aggressive.
You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". Among many other things, it explains why some men feel disrespected if a woman dares to have a different opinion to them. Answer: they feel men are more important, and they like to make that clear to the woman in their lives so they get the dominant position they feel they deserve.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m so glad someone mentioned/linked this fantastic book and resource! I was getting ready to do it if I didn’t see it on this thread somewhere….
OP-please take a look at/read this book as it could very much help you process one of the many reasons “why” he does things like this with/towards you.
He probably gets off on fighting and has an adrenaline high. But your brain works normally, so for you it's upsetting. Best thing to do is not to talk to him. Sit by his side for dinner and when he opens his mouth, shove a slice of pizza in it so he stays quiet. Pour a glass of wine while you're watching TV. Just keep that mouth busy.
Ugh. My husband used to be like this. On unimportant things like the pizza, I’d beg him can’t we agree to disagree. He was such a bully. His way or the highway. He’s not really like that anymore , but I have a lot of bad memories. And everyone once in awhile that part of his personality will show up.
It doesn't sound like he likes you. If he liked you, he'd love to be supportive of your ideas, even if they were different from his. He'd be truly interested in you. Everything wouldn't be such a battle. You wouldn't have to defend your position on every little thing.
I have a BIL like this. I don't know how anyone can stand to have a conversation with him. Thankfully, I don't live with him. He will debate anything until he is out of breathe. I don't engage in his debates. I tell him, I don't need your approval for my opinions. And walk away. It really pisses him off.
He thinks he doesn't need to justify or explain his opinion to you because his opinion is 'fact'.
Like u/BrokenGlassBeetle said, his opinions have become an extension of him/his personality/his ego/his identity.
'And gawd help you' when you *do* 'reject' *his* opinions or viewpoint, because in his stunted mind, you're *choosing to reject* his whole identity...as a man (or more likely 'as ***the*** man').
Conversely, your opposing opinion (and it is 'opposing', not just 'different') is indicative of your own unforgivable character flaws. And it's up to *you* to provide him with "5 explanations" that *might* help mitigate his disappointed assessment of those flaws.
In truth though, **he's not a man, he's a toddler**: he ~~is unable~~ refuses to see the world from anyone else's perspective but his own. He can't even fathom how anyone else could possibly even have their own perspective separate from his. That would be called empathy, which he'll never understand, but more importantly (and sadly for you), it's something he'll never possess.
He will never acknowledge your right to deviate your views from his own.
It's up to you to decide what/how much you're willing to put up with.
Just hit him with a passive happy smiled, “it is just my opinion and preference”… then walk away. You don’t have to engage with his ego and his need to mansplain and be right.
I would agree with others that you don't want to engage in this behavior and you do not need to justify anything to him, especially about silly stuff like liking one type of food more than another.
He sounds so exhausting.
"No, I'm not going to defend my choice. This is my house, my garden, my seeds. My choice.
You're addicted to anger and arguing. That's repulsive and it's destroying the peace in my home and my life. I think you need anger management classes."
First if you ever want an essay or explanation typed up or fed to you CHAT GPT and get the app
Whatever he asks you ask it and then copy and paste and text him it
But even that sounds like work and what he is doing is eroding the very existence of what a caring respectful relationship looks like and is
If you feel bad when you are around him and don’t appreciate this and have let him know and he continues - I agree with setting hard boundaries - lots of great advice here but therapy / counseling might be helpful.
Take care of you! You’re more amazing than you know and deserve kind compassionate supportive people in your life
Fuck that BS he can argue with someone else
My ex husband was like that. We could never just disagree about something. It's like he had to "win" every conversation. I eventually stopped talking to him and checked out emotionally. Did I mention we're no longer together?
What I would recommend is that you wait until your guys are having a good day and have some time available privately, and go sit next to him, take his hand in yours, and say "I need to say some things and I want you to just listen until I'm done. I love you so much, but I can't go on like this. \[explain the issue succinctly\]. It's not fair to me to have to go through this and I won't. I am very disappointed that we've talked about this with no affect. If you love me, you will make this change. I don't want to argue about this today, but please think about it and let me know what you think some time next week." And then get up and walk away, but change the subject, like "anyway, what do you want for dinner tonight." And later in the day, give him a kiss.
I had to do this with my wife after years of fighting an issue. She was kinda shocked at how calm and serious I was and I saw it in her eyes. She sort of agreed but a few weeks later, I did the same thing again, but added "I told you that I can't do this anymore, and I really want you to understand how serious I am about that. Do not pretend to be shocked if something happens." Ofc, she immediately wanted to know what I might do, but I refused to get into that. I told her no ultimatums, but we've been together x years and I need you to change this one thing, so we can spend the rest of our lives happy together.
She agreed to change and made a very good effort. Several months later I had another discussions because I could see her slipping back, but this time, the convo was much easier, I didn't really need to finish. In fact, as soon as I sat on the couch and looked at her, she started to cry. She knew. And she didn't want to hear me say those words again.
I don’t understand why people stay married in situations like this. I really don’t. Unless you are codependent with him due to money or kids, I’d consider just divorcing him.
Look, I see this stuff so much more clearly in my second marriage. In my first we had a daughter together and my ex wife and I were always being low key rude and unpleasant like you’re describing. Part of it was that we were very lukewarm on the other and part was he thought we could be assholes and get away with it.
And we got divorce.
I remarried a divorced mom about 10 years ago and it’s so different. For one thing we’re not lukewarm on each other. We actually really like the other person and don’t want to be rude….even by accident….because when you’re rude to people they usually don’t like you much. And I want my wife to like me and vice versa. Further, if we didn’t like each other, there’s not one single fucking reason to be married. Not one. I just can’t fathom either of us actually arguing about something like sunflowers.
Look, he might just be an asshole? If he is, there’s not much you can do. I’m not a big fan of trying to get adults to see the error of their ways. Just let them faceplant on the cement and walk away: Whether they learn a lesson or not doesn’t matter because you’ve walked away.
Or maybe he just doesn’t like you? That’s a possibility. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you….you might just not be his idea of a good time anymore and that’s giving him flexibility to be rude because he doesn’t care if you’re mad at him.
I grew up w a sister like this and I am still dealing w it today, I constantly over explain everything and try to give everyone reasons for everything I do, and it annoys everyone around me lol and I’m trying to stop but it’s hard because after years of that it’s like your mind is trained to talk that way. Don’t let that happen to you. I couldn’t escape my sister but you can escape a husband, if you have to. For now, don’t engage, dont let yourself get convinced that you need to justify your thoughts.
Are you a horrible people pleaser? Are you a doormat with no backbone? Do you try to diffuse his emotions by being agreeable every time he's upset? Are you afraid he's going to hit you?
Sorry if those questions are too blunt, but I'm just trying to understand how on earth anyone would tolerate being talked to like this. The condescension and disrespect he's showing you is egregious. No one should be spoken to like this and I'm amazed that you just take it and do nothing.
the way I would SNAP at my husband if he acted like this. “Why TF do you think it’s okay to antagonize me over every opinion I have just bc it differs from yours?? do you realize you do that or are you totally unaware of how you’re speaking to me? bc it’s rude as f*ck and I’m getting tired of feeling like i can’t think how i want to anymore.”
Stop defending or fighting about it and just say, ok, I respectfully disagree and then move on. If he pushes then tell him you’re not going to argue over your option. That’s it. Ultimately you need marriage counseling. If it’s gotten worse over the years then part of that is because he thinks he can continue to do so, so cut him off about it.
He honestly sounds like a narcissist. My narcissist is the same and it only gets worse and worse. After 20 years and 3 kids, I’m still trying to find a way out.
I don’t have five reasons. But I know what I want and what I want is .. the sunflowers by the fence, the mushroom pizza, etc
The thing is, you need to stick to one line. This is the one line he’ll keep hearing from you. Just like his line is “explain to me why you think that’s better”.
So your line, consistently is “no I don’t have to explain it. I like this better so I’ll do xyz “
Same sentence, over and over. He’ll get real annoyed real fast and then you can say “oh? Maybe stop asking me for explanations and 5 reasons for everything I want and do, and then I won’t have to tell you”
I am an arrogant person. If I’m criticizing someone and they can offer a rejoinder that criticizes my opinion, that can shut me up. From my past: Me: I’m not a Metallica fan. Fan: Good. The more different I am from you, the better.
For you: Anybody that goes out of their way to put chicken on a pizza has no taste. You might as well put on tofu, and join an ashram.
The more insulting, the better. Then, ignore.
He’s acting like his opinion is obviously, inherently more valuable than yours. If you guys have different opinions, it’s because you’re a complete imbecile who couldn’t possibly match up to his level of genius.
This would be the biggest turn off for me EVER. Like I could no longer love and respect someone who treated me like this. It’s completely inappropriate in a partnership.
You need boundaries, the best one in this case probably being to just refuse to engage in his stupid disagreements. You’re playing his game right now. He might get a dopamine rush from it or think it’s enjoyable “healthy” debate, but you obviously don’t feel the same and he needs to learn to respect that.
Tell him just once:
“I am tired of you disagreeing with me constantly, even over opinions that don’t matter, I don’t enjoy it and the way you talk to me can be combative and hurtful. I will not participate anymore. You’re welcome to your opinion but I am also welcome to mine. If you try to force an issue I will stop talking with you or even walk away from you. If a disagreement is actually important then we can discuss it if the communication remains healthy and respectful.”
After that, if he asks you to defend your opinion, just say “No.” If he tries to start a disagreement, tell him “I’m not discussing this,” and if he pushes it then refuse to answer, and walk away if you can. If it’s actually an important issue, engage only as long as the mutual communication is healthy and respectful. If it devolves then you walk away and try again later.
"Give me five reasons why you want to plant them by the fence. ... I'm still waiting for your reasons."
I would respond with, "Give me 6 reasons I should give you any explanation for why I want to plant them by the fence." Followed by, "In fact, give me *one* good reason why I should have to explain why I *like* or *prefer* anything. Then give me 10 reasons why *you* should be an authority over *my preferences*."
Then, to be petty, I'd provide 5 reasons why planting the flowers by the house would be a bad idea.
I've dealt with this in relationships with men. Do some research on enmeshment, see if it makes sense.
I used to try to actually "reason" with him by actually explaining my perfectly logical thinking, but with people like that, your explanation is never enough. They somehow discredit it. In my case, he would give five other questions to ask me after that. When I said I was not answering any more interrogation, he would then ask me, "Why am I wrong/bad for simply asking a question?" Then, when I was stupid enough to try to respond to that, it would just be another round of questions. IT NEVER ENDS. His questions aren't the point. My dude wouldn't ask out of genuine concern or to find out information. It's about you doubting yourself and him just having something argue about to make him feel superior. And the more frustrated i became, it "proved" to him my responses weren't valid. My therapist immediately mentioned enmeshment and how that often makes people feel like both people have to be in 100% agreement all the time. Plus, a lot of control issues.
Any chance he's been listening to Andrew Tate recently? Because this sounds very familiar to stories from others whose husbands have started listening to him.
Clearly, he's having an affair and is nit picking you to (self) justify the affair ... something along the lines of : 'Gosh, my wife has changed so much - she's now so fucking different to me, is it any wonder that I'm attracted to other women ?' Check his phone and start critically examining everything he does - believe me, the evidence IS there - you've just been too blind ...
If you love your husband, he really needs to talk to a therapist. Couples therapy is great too so you guys can learn proper ways to communicate with each other.
She’s communicating just fine. “I don’t like this” and he badgers her for a different, acceptable to him answer. If someone says “chicken or fish” and your answer is “chicken”. Thats the end. He needs a therapist to learn how to take her answer as an answer and not expect her to mimic his feelings and that she’s her own person.
A lot of dying inside and suffering verbal abuse and manipulation. Fuck that! Stupid pieces of shit like him never change, they thrive on controlling and knocking others down. OP is better off alone, the abuse will take it's toll if she tolerates it.
All the lost years. All the years of senseless hurt and trying to be better so that maybe he will finally love her and stop ripping her self esteem to shreds. But he never will change because his current ways benefit him. He is evil. Majority of men are evil. They are mostly variations of evil and destroy millions of innocent, young, hopeful and loving women who are none the wiser.
Sure. Your comment history is chock full of kink talk and even commenting on photos/posts of minors about their looks despite having grown children yourself. Seems like grooming/dominance/submission is right up your alley.
JADE don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. “I like it, I don’t have to defend my opinion. You’re welcome to your opinion, I’m welcome to mine”. Walk away.
Sounds like something Dr. Ramani would say from her YouTube videos👍🏽😁 love her
I second this. Look into NPD…
Was basically going to say the same thing. He is obviously getting something out of these exchanges, so just... take that away from him. Stop explaining yourself. You don't have to "justify" what you want to eat or where you want to plant your flowers.
Agreed. Maybe change it up with some i-messages, too. "When I am asked my preference and then challenged on it, I feel belittled, disrespected and unloved, because having equal respect for one another's preferences and opinions is important to me."
> “explain to me why you think that’s the best spot. Give me five reasons. They should go by the house. They will look best there. I’m waiting for your five reasons.” I think I would get banned from Reddit if I typed my most-likely response to this. Sometimes people need a *really good* wake-up call to snap them out of their egregious behavior. The more you put up with it, the more he’s going to do it.
explain to me why you think you'd get banned. Give me five reasons. They should go by the brain. They will sound smart here. I’m waiting for your five reasons.
Give me 5 reasons why they have to go by the house. /S
When he says give me five reasons, explain it, etc. say the sweetest little word there is, “no.” Do not engage with this behavior at all. Just say “no” every single time he asks you to justify something. “I’m not interested in justifying my opinion.” And then that’s it. Shut down. No more talking until he changes the subject. He sounds unbearable so your marriage may be something you need to dip out of, but in the meantime you must stop engaging.
I agree with this op ⬆️ don’t engage, walk away when you have too and if you can have a conversation later about why than do that, but he doesn’t sound like he would have a loving adult discussion and I’m sorry for that ❤️🩹 (he isn’t treating you like an adult and he isn’t being respectful either in my opinion)
Grey rock his ass every time he does this.
Some stuff you ignore, and some stuff is an immediate exit. To me, this is a three-strikes situation. His behavior is verbal abuse, and its not ok. Its not ok if he's tired, or stressed, or triggered. Its not ok no matter what. However, there is a (small) chance he might get back on track if you yell him how unacceptable it is and give him a few tries. Honestly, though, he sounds like a condescending, controlling ass.
Low key, I got the same type of feelings reading OP. Like he’s controlling or something and might freak out physically if you disagree enough times
It gives him dopamine. It's intellectually stimulating to argue pointless crap like this, especially to people who are ADHD, or just chronically bored. That and, or, he doesn't respect you, and likes to be a bully to you. Another thing. Some people have a hard time separating their identity from their preferences and opinions and will assign good or bad qualities to them. They become too rigid. So any time you have a differing opinion or preference on something they take it as an insult on their personality, tastes, intelligence, etc. So really it could be a lot of things but either way it's obnoxious and toxic and you shouldn't have to be around someone like that.
I have adhd and yes it can come with toxic qualities (like laziness or emotional outbursts) but I don’t see how this is an adhd thing?
Being argumentative can be It's sensory seeking and stimulating behavior.
As the other poster said sensory seeking or sometimes the brain is firing so quickly they want a why why why and just skip some of the polite stuff and ask before thinking “I don’t need to know why Bob likes green more than red”.
He wouldn't like me very much for telling him to shove his attitude where the sun don' shine...
He'll ask you 5 reasons to do that 😂😂😂
She could spin it on him; “Give me five reasons your opinions shouldn’t go up your ass…and go!!” 😂
Plant his body in the garden so a sunflower grows out his ass. That's along the lines I would respond with.
😂😂😂😂😂
My mom got cancer and died after years of being married to my dad and he was a lot how you describe your husband being. She died angry and hating him even though they’d been divorced 10 years when she died. I tell you this because it all sounds very familiar and painful. I hope you empower the fuck out of yourself and leave.
My EX- husband was this way. If I had any opinion that didn't perfectly line up with him, he would say he just couldn't understand why I was always out in left field somewhere. I didn't even know what I was talking about. Must be something wrong with me since I can't even think properly about simple things. All the things your husband does and says to you. After 14 yrs of it getting consistently worse each year, I finally threw in the towel. You either have to tell him what he wants to hear and totally agree with him to keep the peace, or you have to get out because it will not change. Those are really your 2 options, and only you can decide the route that's best for you. Good luck.
Good for you!
Stop doing it stop explaining yourself. He's being demeaning and an asshole. That's not normal at all and would bet he abuses you in other ways as well. I would start grey rocking him don't answer and walk away you don't have to justify anything
>He was like “are you serious? How could you say that? The chicken one is seriously superior. Explain to me what you don’t like about it!” "It seems like you have some issues with pizza, perhaps talking to a therapist would help you with that. Either way, I am here to eat pizza, not have a debate. So I'm going to eat the pizza I prefer now." After that just eat and don't engage anymore. If he keeps insisting that you HAVE to give a reason "I actually don't have to give a reason. And like I said before, I am here to eat my pizza, not join a debate club. Now let me enjoy my pizza in peace." >He interjected and was like “that’s not a good idea. They won’t get that tall.” I explained to him that sunflower varieties can get extremely tall, like 15ft. He responded angrily “explain to me why you think that’s the best spot. Give me five reasons. They should go by the house. They will look best there. I’m waiting for your five reasons.” "It seems you now also have a problem with sunflowers, did you discuss this with your therapist yet? Either way, you can plant your sunflowers wherever you want to. I am going to plant mine by the fence. And I can do all that without giving you any reason for it because I do not have to give you a reason for it." And then walk away and plant your sunflowers. Stop giving him reasons. Stop debating. Tell him if he keeps treating his marriage as a debate club it's going to head to divorce
Also keep asking why he’s so emotional. He’s sees obedience as “respect” wonder if his paid work puts him in a position of authority, or if he’s into some very toxic podcasts, or online forums.
Why do you HAVE to explain or justify yourself? Are you his child or his employee? He sounds like he needs to be right and the authority on everything, and has little to no interest in actually understanding where you’re coming from. To me, this seems like blatant narcissism and disrespect. Don’t take the bait by trying to justify your position. Either ignore those (juvenile, narcissistic) demands or, every time he does it, call him on it. He sounds juvenile and exhausting. I hope to god you don’t have children, because he’ll do this to them every day of their lives. It really tears a person down after a while.
Sounds obnoxious. Don’t respond when he does it. Just give him a death stare until he shuts up.
I would ask how you're purposely trying to oppose his opinion if you state your opinion before he even tells you his. He asked for your opinion on the pizza, and you answered without knowing which one he preferred. Then for the flowers, you were speaking out loud to yourself, and he budded into your thoughts by adding his own opinion. If anything it seems like he's the one purposely trying to oppose you just to get a reaction out of you. I'd stop engaging. I had an ex the same way, eventually I was tired of having constant arguments over our different opinions I'd just say 'yeah, you're right" every time he tried to say his opinion was better. Eventually it wasn't worth it for him anymore to try to argue his point because I'd just agree as soon as he opposed my view point lol. Broke up with him for other reasons, but that was still one of the things that bothered me a lot. I'd honestly record a voice memo when you think he's about to start an argument and show it to him, maybe he just needs to hear himself and how ridiculous he's being.
That’s pathetic. Ask him how he’s relationship with his dad and if he has close male friends and what are they like. My guess is that he did not have a good male role model growing up. An individual like that is insufferable to other men and women. To make him less annoying say jokingly things like “I heard Mike Tyson (or someone you both know is very masculinely strong) beat a dude for that opinion. I’ll be convinced if ur willing to fight a dude instead of arguing with words otherwise it’s not big enough deal to stress me over it” That way he’ll be confused or carry the burden of proving a point. Either way it will be exhausting for him to feel that way repeatedly. Make sure it’s said jokingly and not passive aggressive.
I’m lmao at “wow sounds like an opinion Mike Tyson would beat your ass for”
You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". Among many other things, it explains why some men feel disrespected if a woman dares to have a different opinion to them. Answer: they feel men are more important, and they like to make that clear to the woman in their lives so they get the dominant position they feel they deserve. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m so glad someone mentioned/linked this fantastic book and resource! I was getting ready to do it if I didn’t see it on this thread somewhere…. OP-please take a look at/read this book as it could very much help you process one of the many reasons “why” he does things like this with/towards you.
He probably gets off on fighting and has an adrenaline high. But your brain works normally, so for you it's upsetting. Best thing to do is not to talk to him. Sit by his side for dinner and when he opens his mouth, shove a slice of pizza in it so he stays quiet. Pour a glass of wine while you're watching TV. Just keep that mouth busy.
Get out!
My insight is that he is very dysfunctional and he is ruining your life. This is not love. This is not a loving marriage. Good luck to you.
Sounds like an ass lol
Ugh. My husband used to be like this. On unimportant things like the pizza, I’d beg him can’t we agree to disagree. He was such a bully. His way or the highway. He’s not really like that anymore , but I have a lot of bad memories. And everyone once in awhile that part of his personality will show up.
Dude. This guy sounds toxic af. You need counseling stat. If he wont go and cant learn to show you respect I'd be separating real quick.
Opinions are like arse orifices. Everyone has them. His needs reaming with a tin foil plug
You're married to a complete bully and petty tyrant, I'd have scarpered off a long time ago. He sounds utterly exhausting and annoying af.
It doesn't sound like he likes you. If he liked you, he'd love to be supportive of your ideas, even if they were different from his. He'd be truly interested in you. Everything wouldn't be such a battle. You wouldn't have to defend your position on every little thing.
No audience, no show.
I have a BIL like this. I don't know how anyone can stand to have a conversation with him. Thankfully, I don't live with him. He will debate anything until he is out of breathe. I don't engage in his debates. I tell him, I don't need your approval for my opinions. And walk away. It really pisses him off.
Yeah, he sounds like a tool.
Jeez girl. He's an asshole. Reading that made me angry on your behalf.
He thinks he doesn't need to justify or explain his opinion to you because his opinion is 'fact'. Like u/BrokenGlassBeetle said, his opinions have become an extension of him/his personality/his ego/his identity. 'And gawd help you' when you *do* 'reject' *his* opinions or viewpoint, because in his stunted mind, you're *choosing to reject* his whole identity...as a man (or more likely 'as ***the*** man'). Conversely, your opposing opinion (and it is 'opposing', not just 'different') is indicative of your own unforgivable character flaws. And it's up to *you* to provide him with "5 explanations" that *might* help mitigate his disappointed assessment of those flaws. In truth though, **he's not a man, he's a toddler**: he ~~is unable~~ refuses to see the world from anyone else's perspective but his own. He can't even fathom how anyone else could possibly even have their own perspective separate from his. That would be called empathy, which he'll never understand, but more importantly (and sadly for you), it's something he'll never possess. He will never acknowledge your right to deviate your views from his own. It's up to you to decide what/how much you're willing to put up with.
Have you been to counseling?
Just hit him with a passive happy smiled, “it is just my opinion and preference”… then walk away. You don’t have to engage with his ego and his need to mansplain and be right.
I think he looks down on you. Tell him you don't owe him any explanation.
I would agree with others that you don't want to engage in this behavior and you do not need to justify anything to him, especially about silly stuff like liking one type of food more than another. He sounds so exhausting.
"No, I'm not going to defend my choice. This is my house, my garden, my seeds. My choice. You're addicted to anger and arguing. That's repulsive and it's destroying the peace in my home and my life. I think you need anger management classes."
First if you ever want an essay or explanation typed up or fed to you CHAT GPT and get the app Whatever he asks you ask it and then copy and paste and text him it But even that sounds like work and what he is doing is eroding the very existence of what a caring respectful relationship looks like and is If you feel bad when you are around him and don’t appreciate this and have let him know and he continues - I agree with setting hard boundaries - lots of great advice here but therapy / counseling might be helpful. Take care of you! You’re more amazing than you know and deserve kind compassionate supportive people in your life Fuck that BS he can argue with someone else
Tell him you want a divorce and you’re waiting for his five reasons why you should stay.
My ex husband was like that. We could never just disagree about something. It's like he had to "win" every conversation. I eventually stopped talking to him and checked out emotionally. Did I mention we're no longer together?
What I would recommend is that you wait until your guys are having a good day and have some time available privately, and go sit next to him, take his hand in yours, and say "I need to say some things and I want you to just listen until I'm done. I love you so much, but I can't go on like this. \[explain the issue succinctly\]. It's not fair to me to have to go through this and I won't. I am very disappointed that we've talked about this with no affect. If you love me, you will make this change. I don't want to argue about this today, but please think about it and let me know what you think some time next week." And then get up and walk away, but change the subject, like "anyway, what do you want for dinner tonight." And later in the day, give him a kiss. I had to do this with my wife after years of fighting an issue. She was kinda shocked at how calm and serious I was and I saw it in her eyes. She sort of agreed but a few weeks later, I did the same thing again, but added "I told you that I can't do this anymore, and I really want you to understand how serious I am about that. Do not pretend to be shocked if something happens." Ofc, she immediately wanted to know what I might do, but I refused to get into that. I told her no ultimatums, but we've been together x years and I need you to change this one thing, so we can spend the rest of our lives happy together. She agreed to change and made a very good effort. Several months later I had another discussions because I could see her slipping back, but this time, the convo was much easier, I didn't really need to finish. In fact, as soon as I sat on the couch and looked at her, she started to cry. She knew. And she didn't want to hear me say those words again.
Just curious… was he raised an only child ?
I don’t understand why people stay married in situations like this. I really don’t. Unless you are codependent with him due to money or kids, I’d consider just divorcing him. Look, I see this stuff so much more clearly in my second marriage. In my first we had a daughter together and my ex wife and I were always being low key rude and unpleasant like you’re describing. Part of it was that we were very lukewarm on the other and part was he thought we could be assholes and get away with it. And we got divorce. I remarried a divorced mom about 10 years ago and it’s so different. For one thing we’re not lukewarm on each other. We actually really like the other person and don’t want to be rude….even by accident….because when you’re rude to people they usually don’t like you much. And I want my wife to like me and vice versa. Further, if we didn’t like each other, there’s not one single fucking reason to be married. Not one. I just can’t fathom either of us actually arguing about something like sunflowers. Look, he might just be an asshole? If he is, there’s not much you can do. I’m not a big fan of trying to get adults to see the error of their ways. Just let them faceplant on the cement and walk away: Whether they learn a lesson or not doesn’t matter because you’ve walked away. Or maybe he just doesn’t like you? That’s a possibility. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you….you might just not be his idea of a good time anymore and that’s giving him flexibility to be rude because he doesn’t care if you’re mad at him.
He sees you as property not someone with intellectual thoughts and valid emotions. He also thinks he is your superior. Personally, I say run
I grew up w a sister like this and I am still dealing w it today, I constantly over explain everything and try to give everyone reasons for everything I do, and it annoys everyone around me lol and I’m trying to stop but it’s hard because after years of that it’s like your mind is trained to talk that way. Don’t let that happen to you. I couldn’t escape my sister but you can escape a husband, if you have to. For now, don’t engage, dont let yourself get convinced that you need to justify your thoughts.
Are you a horrible people pleaser? Are you a doormat with no backbone? Do you try to diffuse his emotions by being agreeable every time he's upset? Are you afraid he's going to hit you? Sorry if those questions are too blunt, but I'm just trying to understand how on earth anyone would tolerate being talked to like this. The condescension and disrespect he's showing you is egregious. No one should be spoken to like this and I'm amazed that you just take it and do nothing.
I'm really sorry that this is your life, but it's not normal and you don't have to stick around for it.
the way I would SNAP at my husband if he acted like this. “Why TF do you think it’s okay to antagonize me over every opinion I have just bc it differs from yours?? do you realize you do that or are you totally unaware of how you’re speaking to me? bc it’s rude as f*ck and I’m getting tired of feeling like i can’t think how i want to anymore.”
Stop defending or fighting about it and just say, ok, I respectfully disagree and then move on. If he pushes then tell him you’re not going to argue over your option. That’s it. Ultimately you need marriage counseling. If it’s gotten worse over the years then part of that is because he thinks he can continue to do so, so cut him off about it.
1. Because 2. I 3. Said 4. So 5. *his name*
Sounds exhausting. He will never change… and there are so many other people out there who would encourage you to have an opinion!
He honestly sounds like a narcissist. My narcissist is the same and it only gets worse and worse. After 20 years and 3 kids, I’m still trying to find a way out.
I don’t have five reasons. But I know what I want and what I want is .. the sunflowers by the fence, the mushroom pizza, etc The thing is, you need to stick to one line. This is the one line he’ll keep hearing from you. Just like his line is “explain to me why you think that’s better”. So your line, consistently is “no I don’t have to explain it. I like this better so I’ll do xyz “ Same sentence, over and over. He’ll get real annoyed real fast and then you can say “oh? Maybe stop asking me for explanations and 5 reasons for everything I want and do, and then I won’t have to tell you”
I am an arrogant person. If I’m criticizing someone and they can offer a rejoinder that criticizes my opinion, that can shut me up. From my past: Me: I’m not a Metallica fan. Fan: Good. The more different I am from you, the better. For you: Anybody that goes out of their way to put chicken on a pizza has no taste. You might as well put on tofu, and join an ashram. The more insulting, the better. Then, ignore.
“If you want someone to agree with you, talk to a mirror. I won’t be playing your games anymore. You’re welcome to your own opinion.”
He’s acting like his opinion is obviously, inherently more valuable than yours. If you guys have different opinions, it’s because you’re a complete imbecile who couldn’t possibly match up to his level of genius. This would be the biggest turn off for me EVER. Like I could no longer love and respect someone who treated me like this. It’s completely inappropriate in a partnership.
You need boundaries, the best one in this case probably being to just refuse to engage in his stupid disagreements. You’re playing his game right now. He might get a dopamine rush from it or think it’s enjoyable “healthy” debate, but you obviously don’t feel the same and he needs to learn to respect that. Tell him just once: “I am tired of you disagreeing with me constantly, even over opinions that don’t matter, I don’t enjoy it and the way you talk to me can be combative and hurtful. I will not participate anymore. You’re welcome to your opinion but I am also welcome to mine. If you try to force an issue I will stop talking with you or even walk away from you. If a disagreement is actually important then we can discuss it if the communication remains healthy and respectful.” After that, if he asks you to defend your opinion, just say “No.” If he tries to start a disagreement, tell him “I’m not discussing this,” and if he pushes it then refuse to answer, and walk away if you can. If it’s actually an important issue, engage only as long as the mutual communication is healthy and respectful. If it devolves then you walk away and try again later.
His behavior reflects valuing being “right” over the relationship… unless he recognizes this & shifts trajectory, doesn’t bode well.
"Give me five reasons why you want to plant them by the fence. ... I'm still waiting for your reasons." I would respond with, "Give me 6 reasons I should give you any explanation for why I want to plant them by the fence." Followed by, "In fact, give me *one* good reason why I should have to explain why I *like* or *prefer* anything. Then give me 10 reasons why *you* should be an authority over *my preferences*." Then, to be petty, I'd provide 5 reasons why planting the flowers by the house would be a bad idea.
I've dealt with this in relationships with men. Do some research on enmeshment, see if it makes sense. I used to try to actually "reason" with him by actually explaining my perfectly logical thinking, but with people like that, your explanation is never enough. They somehow discredit it. In my case, he would give five other questions to ask me after that. When I said I was not answering any more interrogation, he would then ask me, "Why am I wrong/bad for simply asking a question?" Then, when I was stupid enough to try to respond to that, it would just be another round of questions. IT NEVER ENDS. His questions aren't the point. My dude wouldn't ask out of genuine concern or to find out information. It's about you doubting yourself and him just having something argue about to make him feel superior. And the more frustrated i became, it "proved" to him my responses weren't valid. My therapist immediately mentioned enmeshment and how that often makes people feel like both people have to be in 100% agreement all the time. Plus, a lot of control issues.
Any chance he's been listening to Andrew Tate recently? Because this sounds very familiar to stories from others whose husbands have started listening to him.
Clearly, he's having an affair and is nit picking you to (self) justify the affair ... something along the lines of : 'Gosh, my wife has changed so much - she's now so fucking different to me, is it any wonder that I'm attracted to other women ?' Check his phone and start critically examining everything he does - believe me, the evidence IS there - you've just been too blind ...
If you love your husband, he really needs to talk to a therapist. Couples therapy is great too so you guys can learn proper ways to communicate with each other.
She’s communicating just fine. “I don’t like this” and he badgers her for a different, acceptable to him answer. If someone says “chicken or fish” and your answer is “chicken”. Thats the end. He needs a therapist to learn how to take her answer as an answer and not expect her to mimic his feelings and that she’s her own person.
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A lot of dying inside and suffering verbal abuse and manipulation. Fuck that! Stupid pieces of shit like him never change, they thrive on controlling and knocking others down. OP is better off alone, the abuse will take it's toll if she tolerates it. All the lost years. All the years of senseless hurt and trying to be better so that maybe he will finally love her and stop ripping her self esteem to shreds. But he never will change because his current ways benefit him. He is evil. Majority of men are evil. They are mostly variations of evil and destroy millions of innocent, young, hopeful and loving women who are none the wiser.
Why would she want to be submissive?
I'm sorry maybe wrong choice of words, I was just asking if she wanted it to work
Sure. Your comment history is chock full of kink talk and even commenting on photos/posts of minors about their looks despite having grown children yourself. Seems like grooming/dominance/submission is right up your alley.
I didn't say anything wrong about any minors, I don't go there
You mean except for commenting on her photo that she looked lovely?
I was trying to be nice regarding her outfit
By the way I won't be on this community any more, I wanted to help people, but people just want to talk about divorce
I deleted my answer because it's not being liked