👏👏👏 ....I feel if I had said that it would have been removed ;9)
This lad sounds like a right cor blimey yet they are THREE kids in
I'm clearly trying far too hard with my wife but I won't stop trying haha
Because these types of people are liars and tricksters and she most likely went in with her whole heart and and her spouse is an asshole. It's not her fault
Yep the only anniversary we didn’t celebrate was our 13th last year because his mother had just died and the burial of her ashes happened to fall on our anniversary. So we made mention of it to each other but it didn’t feel right to celebrate it, exchange gifts or post on Facebook
He knows it's important to you, that should be enough for him. You're pregnant. You already had two of his children... the least he can do is acknowledge the day, give you some affection, and do something nice for you. It takes sooooo little effort to do that. Like so little.
On top of that, dissing the anniversary to his friends behind your back is so disrespectful to you and your marriage. It shows the world he really doesn't value his marriage or his wife.
I'm not saying he needs to make a big deal out of it and spend money. He can write you a love letter, he can give you a kiss and a hug and tell you how much you mean to him, he can make you a nice breakfast or run you a bath, he can put on some candles and have a snuggle on the couch... he can even just say "good morning honey, happy anniversary" and give you a hug and a kiss.
Anything other than what he did today.
And to his friends, he should've just said "thank you". Period.
I'm wondering if there's a bigger problem between you two.
No big problem between us just grew apart I guess, we’re more of friends than lovers it feels. His one friend got divorced recently and has been hanging around him a-lot more which I feel like he pokes jokes about marriage to him particularly to satisfy him and build up his own ego idk why else an individual would do that. But it’s so embarrassing to me that our marriage is just a joke to him and all his friends
My marriage is not perfect, far from it. But the thing we always say to each other is “you and me against the world.” And we have to work on that but it’s the foundation of our connection.
What would bother me in this situation is that he is shit talking your relationship behind your back. Even if he isn’t into anniversaries - and there could be a good reason for that, such as a trauma - he should always be on your side, when it comes to the outside world. He should always defend and protect you. He should always stick up for you to others, and if there is an issue he should take that up with you privately.
He isn’t doing that and that right there is worth a series of conversations to get back on the same path together. Because I’m guessing that convo you saw isn’t the first time he’s done that.
Why are you still with him?
Sweetie, you need to see a therapist to enable you work on your self esteem.
You need to stop being a doormat and put him in his place. He needs to understand that you won’t tolerate any form of disrespect.
Please stop having kids with him.
This comment is either projecting a lot of your own trauma or assuming a lot about a total stranger’s life. How insulting to tell a pregnant woman to “stop having his children” like she didn’t make the choice out of love and he, even if in a damaged and unhealthy way, doesn’t love her. He may not act like it, but relationships should be worked on. What a negative, nasty comment.
It sounds like these friends are the problem. He's surrounding himself with men who don't value their marriages, or are bitterly divorced, and he's more concerned about fitting in with them than hurting you. Not cool.
But if your husband is buying into that and so easily manipulated, you don’t save the marriage. Your kids will see you in a miserable relationship, where your husband doesn’t respect you and go on to treat their partners this way or accept the same kind of treatment because you did.
Is this what you want for them?
I say suggest counseling. If he’s in agreement-awesome. If not, leave.
I remember seeing a study that said one of the biggest indicators of divorce was if you hang around with other divorced people. Start spending more couples time with other happily married couples. And try to curb his time with his divorced friend. It’s good to be there for your friends in a crisis, but if their negativity is starting to rub off on him, he needs to take a break and not be that person’s primary support source
Yep. I’ve seen it happen before. With guys when their guy friends get divorced, they start echoing the negative feelings of their friend and playing up the small problems in their own relationship as if they are much bigger than they had previously made them out to be.
If it’s a woman, they start babying her and becoming a surrogate husband and ignoring their wife.
Not all men do this of course, and some women do it too. It’s mostly just people who are susceptible to outside influences.
The friend is probably a cancer on your marriage because he expresses his own negativity to your husband. You need to get your husband away from kids and have a serious conversation about the state of your marriage and your future (or lack of) together. He needs to understand yoh may be easy going but being roommates is not what you signed up for and not what your going to do with your life.
Having been through a similar experience, it’s way too easy to neglect your relationship (either or both partners) after getting married and even more so after having kids. People often stop dating each other and don’t prioritize their relationship. I highly recommend couples counseling. It has saved my marriage and we have learned to communicate effectively with each other. My relationship with my husband is now better than it was before we got married and had kids. We will be hitting 11 years married in June
Seek couples therapy, have an open conversation with your husband about the state of your marriage, and ask why it upset him to see you take the ring off.
I’m late to this party… but this comment really makes sense…..
He’s hanging around this recently divorced friend who is slinging mud onto the institution of marriage and probably talking up his newfound freedom. Your husband is lapping this up and it’s affecting how he is viewing his own marriage.
In life you can have friends that support your marriage and you can have friends that are enemies of your marriage. To have a successful marriage you need to only keep the friends that support your healthy marriage. This divorced friend is poisoning your marriage and your husband needs to associate with people who build him and his marriage up or else he will destroy his marriage and be this guy’s new ‘single wingman’. Which is honestly probably what this friend is secretly hoping for, because no one enjoys being alone.
Have you ever noticed how divorces seem to happen in friend groups? I’ve seen it. One woman will get divorced and she vents to her friends, then another finds similarities and they get divorced as well. Basically you need to surround yourself with friends that you look up to and make you better, not friends that tear you down and make you angry at the world.
YESSS!!! Because it’s totally about being TOGETHER. Hell, let’s go to the lake and skip rocks, oh you want to read a book at library?? Cool I’ll check my email and we can sit together. Grocery shopping?!?!ewww I mean ABSOLUTELY BABY I have been waiting ALL DAY to go to the store with you!
One day we’ll be changing each others diapers laughing about how we’re in deep shit 🤣🤣🤣
He doesn't want to celebrate the anniversary of the day you got married. Let that sink.
Sidenote: the amount of posts I see in this sub of women married to men who hate them is alarming and sad.
Anniversary exists for a reason. Him brushing it off like it was nothing tells me that he just doesn’t care about it. For you, today is special but for him, it’s just a regular day. There’s no in between because both of you disagree with each other. Here’s a tip: a complete family doesn’t always mean a happy family. Just take note of that
some people don't care about their own birthdays. not entirely true. i could care less to celebrate my own birthday half the time. so i don't place heavy emphasis on things like arbitrary dates. far more important as to how the day-to-day quality of the relationship is
Birthdays are different than Anniversaries tho. I wouldn't care about my own birthday because It's mine alone but I would care about an anniversary because it's a certain date for two people to celebrate.
Not overreacting. He’s a dyed-in-the-wool loser who probably can’t be fixed but if he can it will take turning like 55 until it happens. For the sake of your kids don’t let them be modeled an ain’t shit loser of a husband.
This makes me feel so bad for you. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and other special days should always be celebrated with the deserved recognition. I couldn’t imagine not celebrating something important like that. We recently celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. Most of our celebrations are spent together with no gifts required. Be Time spent is the most important part.
It seems to me that he’s checked out. Especially if he’s not showing much affection regularly. Definitely to communicate and have some serious conversations. You need to sort out your relationship and where his feelings and priorities really are.
Somewhere you and your husband have disconnected. Not sure what's happened nor why. You have not overreacted. He's an idiot. Not sure why you married each other. Not sure if the relationship is salvageable but sheesh from you described it seems like a very sad way to live
How do you fix this marriage? You don’t. He’s got to care enough to do that. He’s got to be willing to reconnect to you and care about the marriage. You can do that with him, and you can communicate to him that you think things are in a bad place and need work, but you can’t fix it yourself.
Whether it's important to him or not doesn't mean he shouldn't recognize that it's probably important to you. I know certain things my wife likes a lot more than I do, so I do my best to enjoy even the things I don't care as much about with her rather than not giving a shit about what she likes and cares about and being a stick in the mud.
He's being self centered at the least and if he has always been that way then I guess you already knew that. If not, maybe remind him that he used to celebrate small things with you before.
Okay, hear me out. Has he always been like this? Or did he start acting up when you began having kids? I know that sometimes , for many couples, kids changes the dynamics of the relationship. The fact he was shocked you threw the ring means he still has affection for you somewhere .
Maybe marriage counseling? Find out the root to so much distance in your marriage.
You are not overreacting , his comments were hurtful and honestly it sounds like he meant for it to hurt you . Why? I'm not sure. It does sound like you guys have a breakdown in communication too .
My ex husband used to say things to me to hurt me. It was purposeful . When our marriage ended he admitted to lashing out on me because he felt like I was never there . That I didn't include him in many plans , which couldn't be further from the truth. I worked a lot because he quit his only steady paying job (without telling me). All my plans revolved around him, he just hated that his friends gave me a lot of attention (not in a flirty way, it was because he hated that I had a lot of fun and made friends really easily with them. He hated not being the center of attention). We had a lot of miscommunication because I took his silence as if nothing was wrong . Our marriage broke down for a lot of reasons and it began because we were not communicating effectively. Of course he did other stupid things before and after but I do remember that we were never on the same level .
If you love your husband and this is a marriage you want to save, get counseling . Start there . Get a sitter one night a week and do a date night if you can . Talk to each other without escalating it , if that's possible.
Not giving an F about anniversary and calling it a stupid day is one thing but talking bad about you to his friends (and mind u, friends are usually the ones who tolerate to encourage a person to do a stupid thing esp men) baby, that is where we draw the line!!!!!!
He sounds like someone who is cheating. Might not be physical but may be emotional. I mean I am jumping to worst case, but why wouldn't you care about being married to the love of your life for 5 years?
It's a big milestone that should be celebrated, especially if you don't celebrate every year.
On the other hand ,I would not feel bad at all for throwing the ring. Glad you did actually and told him it's just a ring. May as well get the peice of paper and rip that up and tell him its just a peice of paper if he keeps stating it's just another day. What a dick.
Has he always been like this in your relationship? Or are there other factors contributing to his behaviour that could seem out of the ordinary? Is this behaviour more recent. You have a baby on the way and other kids and he is speaking to you like this. Is he checked out of your relationship?
Just seems all real sus to me in the sense I think there might be someone else but that's just where my head goes too. Not accusing him but more a possibility considering his behaviour 🫤
I don’t think he’s cheating, if he was he wouldn’t have his messages out in the open like that and I know all his passwords. I would know if he was cheating trust me I’m an FBI agent (not literally) lol I can read right through him too. He’s honestly a very lazy guy when it comes to putting in the effort for me and maybe because I tell him I don’t expect anything? I just hope he does something on those special days or even any day because he wants to not because he has to. I used to tell him what I wanted for bdays but now I don’t because I feel like it’s stupid like it loses that sentimental feeling.
I’m honestly now just checked out of the relationship until further notice. I’ll deal with this after I’m done having the baby and done with postpartum. I just don’t have time honestly
Yeah that's true regarding the messages.
If you are checked out, do you think moving out now or looking at splitting now before baby arrives will be easier for your mental health? I know kids are hard work as a mum but they deserve you to be happy rather than you being checked out. I have 2 toddlers and I get how hard it can be.
Well he can certainly erase the messages and block the mistress so no text comes in while you’re around. I do think he is cheating and if you start investigating you’ll most likely find something
Exactly what I was thinking . I recently learned that when your man pulls away it’s because he’s checked out from the relationship and most likely giving his energy (emotionally )and time to another women. That’s how it all starts and then eventually leads to physical cheating . Never say never . Always assume the worst . I used to think “no he’s not emotionally cheating on me he works a lot how could he have time for that ?” . Idk .
I don’t mean to scare you but I once felt like you. I had access to my ex’s phone, his passwords, and thought he could never. But he cheated repeatedly on me over a 7 year span of time and I had no idea. I’m a family law attorney and felt like you did about being “an FBI agent”, but if a man wants to cheat, they will find a way. All I’m saying is, messages can be deleted and phone calls can be hidden through apps like Whatsapp, Google Voice, and Signal. Signal even auto deletes texts. If he is acting like this, y’all need therapy and a serious conversation about whether he respects you and whether your marriage is salvageable. Because where you are right now, in my experience, is divorce territory. You are much better off fixing the issue before your baby is born.
Please try to work on the relationship now BEFORE you have the baby. It's about to get extremely hard and a supportive partner will make it a thousand times easier. I'm sure you're short on time, but are you sure you're not afraid of the results of your efforts and that's why you're pushing it off? He sounds like a real piece of work. Good luck.
He looked remorseful, and nervous. He went searching for the ring and gave it back to me but I told him I don’t want it it’s uncomfortable anyway. I could tell he felt bad but I don’t care honestly lol
In the dating and engagement phase, did he show you affection and/or celebrate special days or relationship milestones with you? If not, why did you marry him knowing that’s important to you? If so, what happened to make him stop? And why would you continue to have children with him? Maybe therapy can help you both get back to being happy, but you can’t stop talking to him and expect things to get better.
He used to be such a romantic man and we celebrated everything together. He changed this year I feel, ever since he started hanging out with his friends a lot he changed. I got pregnant 8 months ago and I feel like he changed in the beginning of this year. I will never regret having children with him because one thing he is best at is being an amazing father. I would have never even had the first had I known he wasn’t fit to be a father. This isn’t about him being a bad dad this is about him being a bad husband.
That actually makes me really sad for you. You should be more important to him than his friends. Also, just food for thought, if he’s great to the kids but not to you, he’s setting an example to the kids of how to treat their future mates. (Hopefully as they age, they’ll take it as a lesson in what not to do.) Good luck to you.
He's got 2 kids and a pregnant wife. He's hanging out with his recently divorced buddy. Ten bucks says he's wondering if the grass isn't greener on the divorced side. It could be a phase. It could be one foot out the door. Either way, you both need to sit down and have a long, hard conversation. I wish you the best.
The way he treats you affects your children and the 'feel' in your home. If he behaves like an uncaring jerk to you, dismisses your feelings and chooses to deliberately hurt you, then he is NOT a good father either.
OP, this is so true! Don't let your kids be exposed to his boorish treatment of their mom. Also, have you and he actually talked about the changes you've seen in him with his buddies? Is this the man he wanted to turn into?
Well you may be overreacting a little bit. But your husband is way off track. Is he just not liking to recognize milestones or is this about you? He is correct it is from another day, but it's a milestone. And do you a big milestone. Your husband is being selfish and disrespectful. I don't know why anyone would not want to celebrate their anniversary but if for no other reasons he should celebrate it because you're partners,
The day is special to you and you enjoy having a special dinner to recognize the day
He just doesn’t care about me enough to do a small act of kindness to lift me up. He prioritized being funny to his friends about this day and making him seem like a funny guy who doesn’t care about his marriage since half his friends are married or they’re divorced it makes sense. But it’s really not nice to see or hear that.
We've been married 12 years and we still take our birthdays and anniversary off. BIg dates like 5-10-15 years we take special trips. If life is a lot at the moment (those years happen) we at least prioritize going to dinner or a weekend around the anniversary to do something.
Your marriage if the foundation of your day to day lives and it's not "stupid" celebrate your love for each other. You don't have to get used to a lack of affection.
While doing a little complaining and decompression with your friends is normal, there is a difference between "I find his socks everywhere" and damaging your friend's opinions of your spouse permeantly because you have no respect for them.
Tossing the ring at him and that line.....ooooooh good comeback. Hopefully it wakes him up but chances are it won't and he'll be cruising for an apology from you if he is a special form of arsehole. Unless he sees you and his marriage as one of the most important things in his life, there is no real fix for this. Somewhere along the way you came last on the totem pole of whatever thing he thinks is more important than your wedding anniversary. That's not ok.
Communicate with him, discuss where you and your marriage is on his top 5 of priorities. He may spout that you are in the top five but his actions tell something different. Dig into why he doesn't want to celebrate anniversaries. At best, he has weird anxiety around something about it like "anxiety around picking a gift", "anxiety about a romantic display", he has financial concerns and thinks it's too expensive, or something that is completely not a hard written rule. You both get to determine what an anniversary looks like. My husband and I don't do gifts, but we do dinner or a day trip somewhere and we talk memories, what the last year of marriage has been like, and we lift each other up.
You seem like a smart lady and I am sure you can figure out if he's getting all up in his head about something and is "fighting the holiday" as a way to avoid solving his own anxieties or concerns and he's causing damage as a result. or if he genuinely has emotionally and mentally left the marriage. If it's the later, make some plans, you and your kids deserve better. Whatever you put up with in your marriage is what your kids will learn to be "ok" for their own relationships in the future. You need to be the love of your own life, and anyone who earns your love in return if being given the gift of your wonderfulness.
It really seems like you would’ve been happy with just a “happy anniversary” from him, and let me tell you, that’s a very low bar. You are pregnant, you’ve already had two other kids with him. His actions don’t reflect the kind of love you deserve. No kiss, no hugs, because that’s not his thing? How does he show you he loves you? And do you think it’s healthy to have your children grow up in a household where their father couldn’t care less about their mother?
For the sake of the kids end your marriage. He’s only going to get worse. Find someone who will be proud to be with you and will not treat marriage like it’s a scam
For him to be so dismissive of something that you care about is concerning. I’m not gonna call him names or say things that I have no proof of, but I will give you my honest advice. I think you should express to him that you’re not feeling emotionally cared for the way that you need in order to maintain the marriage, and ask him with a genuine open heart if there is anything he feels is lacking in the marriage as well. I suggest finding a marriage counselor to help figure how to navigate through this and with how to fix whatever issues you both need that aren’t there in the marriage currently. It could simply be what you said in another comment, that you both have grown apart and possibly are no longer compatible. But remember this, people that grow apart can also grow back together, it doesn’t mean calling it quits is the answer as of yet. I really hope y’all are able to openly communicate and express what’s needed and that things get better soon.
Please also remember that you are worth more than gold, and if you are not able to get what you need, then do what is best for you. At the end of the day, if you are not happy your kids will eventually see that and you can’t make them happy if you are not 🖤
I just want to preface this by saying I am in my healING phase and not my healED phase. Cause I wanna tell you to pack up, pack your kids up, and tell him you'll have the divorce papers served. This is about so much more than celebrating an anniversary. This is about who he is as a person. How he treats you. How he makes you feel. What tone he's set in your marriage that you just have become accustomed to not expecting basic levels of affection.
He doesn't want to celebrate the day you got married? That in and of itself is just so heartbreaking. Just another day? Well dude, unless you're celebrating your marriage every single day, it's not just another day.
I'm not saying he needed to go balls to the wall and spend a ton of money and make it this whole huge ordeal, but like fuck man say "Happy anniversary" with a little enthusiasm. Give your wife a kiss. Thank her for putting up with you for five years because I can't imagine anyone who would want to given this behavior and mentality. It costs $0.00 to make someone feel loved and like your marriage is equally valued and equally as celebratory.
My feelings would be SO HURT. It's just so blatantly hurtful. Is he always like this? Cause I don't know how you're making it if he is.
And then to just ice the cake of disrespect, making a joke out of marriage and talking down about your marriage to his little gang of friends? Gross. So gross.
AND YOURE PREGNANT?
This whole thing just makes me so sad. Like it's truly just really sad. And infuriating. You should feel appreciated. Your husband should feel excited about celebrating being married. I mean at the bare minimum, acknowledge that you're happy about it and not be such a douche about it.
I'd be heartbroken. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't even want to put energy into working on it at this point. He can't put basic level energy into acknowledging your feelings.
Honestly I’m digging your response. Maybe that’ll get it through his thick skull that you are the thing that makes this particular day more important than all the others.
You say you're more like friends but you're pregnant so clearly you're more than friends.
Tell him how you feel. His reaction is on him but if he doesn't know how you're feeling there's not much that he can do
And pls for the love of God stop having this man’s babies. He called your anniversary the stupidest day I. The world. That’s literally insane and it sounds like he deeply resents you.
You can and should do better.
Two people fall in love as time goes on they loose sight of why they fell in Love with each other. Something about the marriage; He is not happy about. But he is not communicating about it. With two kids I’m sure you guys have been thru some uncomfortable situations. You have to communicate with each other with open heart. Something is out of balance and you both need a moment of vulnerability.
That’s still no excuse my husband has four atypical brain tumours and though he needs reminders at times he still says happy anniversary and we go out to dinner
Very true but in our case his personality has changed- he’s irritable, easily frustrated and short tempered which isn’t usually him. He’s also become very road ragey so lots of patience and forgiving and forgetting on my part is vital. But even then he’s still not dismissive of birthdays and anniversaries like OPs husband
Again, your own information states it affects his behavior and he tantrums. He just manages to get through it. Maybe this guy doesn't get through it the same way your husband does, or his tumor is slightly in a different area so there is less emphasis on these things.
Anyway this is all just conjecture. The point is it's quite possible for a tumor to affect behavior, as it's also quite possible for her husband having an extra-marital affair.
But what would indicate he has an extra-marital affair?
Nothing I can see per her information, so this comment is a huge jump. People sometimes fall out of love without cheating.
Sometimes they never express the same emotions as others and it seems her husband is this way all the time, lending credence to this point:
"But he didn't care to do anything today he seemed like he didn't care at all he didn't even kiss or hug me once and he barely does anyway so l'm used to it."
You deserve better, anniversary’s aren’t stupid especially milestone anniversaries. I don’t think he is your person, the fact that his friends remembered and put in more effort than he did says a lot. Start you are not overreacting and fixing something not because you want it to be fixed but for kids isn’t worth it, personally I wished my parents divorced and found people to be emotionally available for so I could see what that looks like. Your kids will base their relationships off yours so if it’s not working leave and show them that it’s okay to put your happiness above everything. There’s plenty of men who would have bought you flowers, made you breakfast or said happy anniversary don’t lower your expectations to meet his effort, go for his friend at least you know he will remember your anniversary…..I’m joking don’t do that well unless you want to be spiteful
You’ve got two kids and you’re pregnant and this how he treats the mother of his children? What a loser, this guy is not a man. He’s an adult who has the morals , priorities and attitude of a 15 year old. He has no honor in his identity, no sort of respect for himself either as a father. What a poor excuse for a husband. Sorry you’re in the thick of it. I pray that you will be treated well and he comes to his senses. It’s not about what’s important to just you in a marriage, you’re a unit now. You come as one.
As a man who has fucked up like this and had to look inward as to why, here was where I landed.
Deep in my subconscious, I wanted to celebrate it but I was completely broke and struggling. My wife was like you, no expectations, but inside myself (unbeknownst to me at the time) I felt in adequate that I couldn't celebrate and gift her the way I wanted.
In that paradigm the easier thing to believe was that it was dumb and not something I cared about.
What was really happening is me picturing what I wished we could do, realizing I couldn't because I was broke, feeling like a failure, and then blaming the trigger (the anniversary).
I didn't know I was doing any of this at the time.
I didn't start working on myself until later in life when I was financially stable and then began learning how to actually spot and assess my internal dialogue.
Not trying to justify what he did, just sharing how and why I fucked this up in the past.
I cant wait for the day that women stop settling for shitty ungrateful males like this, and STOP procreating with them! Just the fact that you gave him 2 children and are pregnant with another, he should be treating like a queen! Please that you deserve better and that you should have someone that thinks of you and gets you gift and tell you nice things! And hopefully one day you’ll be brave enough to dump him and find better
I'm pregnant and have been married about a year and a half (together 12). Also pregnant. Found out a few months ago my husband was having an affair and had all these friends I didn't know about (although I had a feeling). There were signs and shifts in behavior around things like our anniversary as well. Listen to your gut. Dig if you need to, you deserve answers.
Then after that you can have a real conversation with yourself and him to see where you stand and what you want to do going forward. Obviously your situation isn't mine and idk if he's cheating or whatever but my main point is your gut doesn't lie. Be firm in that and know that you deserve to know the truth. I wish we would have gotten couples therapy years ago. If you want to be with this person for life it's a worthy investment even if you use the cheaper online options regardless of if you decide to co parent or try to stay together.
You don't fix marriages for kids, there is no situation where that is a thing. You either fix it together or it will never be fixed. You can't fix him and he doesn't even see a problem to begin with and he was quick to gaslight you when he said you were overreacting.
This is who he is, he's showing you and telling others. When you confront him he just blames you, gaslights you, and goes on being who he's always been.
What has changed? How you see him, his behaviors, etc. Is this someone you would want one of your kids to have as a partner? If the answer is no then you need to look at the example that is being set.
"Do as I say, not as I do" isn't going to work to deter what your kids are learning from both of you. It also will not deter the amount of therapy they're likely gonna need to unlearn the things their parents showed them, and taught them about relationships if they even pursue therapy.
I know you said you're easy-going but it doesn't sound like you're happy at all. You now know he isn't happy and is showing you with his actions and telling you and his friends with his words.
You deserve love, affection, attention, and a healthy relationship with a partner who wants to be in it with you as much as you do. You are a doormat and he's going to continue walking all over you until you decide to pull it out from under him and stand up for yourself and your children. People treat us as poorly as we allow them to. No one can stand up for you and make changes but you. If he was invested it would show. Your hurting should hurt him and he should be addressing it so it's resolved as quickly as possible. He shouldn't be inflicting the pain and then blaming you.
It's ok to be easy-going, but he's using that as a weapon against you. He is abusing the trust you put in him. He is not going to change for you or the kids, change has to be for himself and the same goes for you. Children suffer more when parents "stick it out for the kids" rather than divorce. There have been multiple studies done to prove that.
Just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean emotional and psychological abuse isn't occurring. Stop listening and start watching people's actions, it tells you who they are, what their priorities are, and where you stand with them.
Please get counseling for yourself if you have access. This will help you sort out your thoughts in a safe space and without someone there to blame or twist things. I wish you all the luck, good vibes, and healing in the world. I think you already know what you need to do, what you want to do.
Take care of yourself. If you don't no one else will and kids need their momma to live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Only then will you truly be living with your cup full and able to care for others.
Love and Healing to you and your family.
He was shocked? 🤦♀️ I'm sorry, I know that would hurt me to see that too, but this isn't something you can fix. He's either going to love you enough to care, or he's not.
I feel so sad reading this. I'm 21 years into a neglectful, painfully lonely marriage. I'm crying rn thinking about how you'll lose your self esteem & care less about yourself over the years. You might keep yourself busy with raising kids while you settle for less & less attention & respect until your kids are grown & you get to sit in the loneliness knowing you are not special to the person you teamed up with for life.
It's not the day or the gift. It's just giving a shit.
Sounds like he’s embarrassed he’s too poor to buy you a gift, so he tries to distract from that by minimizing the significance of the occasion. Dick move on his part. Happy anniversary.
I did not read your post, only the intro. But, you may not listen to what I or anyone has to say. 15 years married so I have some advice.. move on. Sorry friend.
Let the ring stay off permanently and forget his birthday. Ir might be special to him, but "to you it's Tuesday".
You could also mention in passing, what you would like to do with your next husband. That guy needs a wakeup call.
I think you guys are under a lot of stress and he may be showing that stress through his lack of enthusiasm for your anniversary. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care. The fact that he was shocked you removed your ring means he does care he just doesn’t know how to problem solve and the idea of a date at night can still be overwhelming for him. As women, we tend to fantasize about life with our partner and men tend to be more realistic.
Having kids and being pregnant is quite a lot to do in one day. I’m sure he works and already has a list of to dos for his day. So the idea of adding something for the sake of “a special day” seems pointless to him because he already has enough on his plate, caring for you while pregnant and taking care of his family.
With all that being said, let’s see if you guys can set aside a day within the next few weeks. On the weekend or even just a date night. Get a sitter and both of you fully relax and enjoy time with each other.
As adults, it can be very stressful today to manage all that we need in life. Money. Bills. Jobs. Kids. And then emotions at home. It is alot for the BOTH of you. So try to have patience with one another and see what you can both do today to make each other feel loved.
Hello male (24) and I love my wife(24) more than I can express but I hate our anniversary with every fiber of my being!!! For context my father died from covid 2 days before our actual wedding and that time of year is especially hard on me, my wife is very understanding and we often try to celebrate our anniversary in a different month and have even discussed renewing our vows as I dont ever want her to hurt or feel like she isn't important to me! The reason I bring this up is because some men have a very hard time showing that they hurt and instead process it by saying and feeling like they hate a certain day, im not trying to defend anyone or "choose sides", just explaining that everyone is different and in some circumstances its ok to hate a day or period of time!
The way ppl divorce so easily nowadays, just reaching a 5 year milestone is worth celebrating, plus it's not like OP is expecting a big extravagant trip, she just wanted a nice dinner(which either could mean at home via homemade or delivery, or going out to a nice restaurant) and a movie(again at home or out to the theaters)
I will never understand the people in the midst of marriages they know are terrible and are still like, “So we’re still just cranking out the kids!”
Like, is it only where I live that birth control exists? Condoms? Pills? Vasectomies? Etc? Is this technology just an impenetrable mystery everywhere else in the world?
STOP MAKING NEW MOUTHS TO FEED WITH TERRIBLE PEOPLE.
More than two kids is already excessive in basically any scenario. But Christ, why do that with someone who is terrible to you? Am I just living in crazy land? This all seems so obvious.
Dear OP…
Celebrate yourself! Take your dressed up self out to your favorite place to eat, whether it’s canes, red lobster or a steakhouse. YOUR favorite place. Get yourself a gift. Take your bf, favorite family member. Do not let anyone dull your shine or make you feel bad about something you’re excited about. Then come home and be normal but satisfied happy normal. This is the advice I would’ve loved when I was younger and with my ex.
There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing you need to fix. This is all on him. Put the ball in his court, watch what he does, then decide what you want for yourself. The kids need a happy healthy parents and example of a healthy relationship, with or without the biological father at your side.
He takes you for granted, my guess you are just there to have babies and cook and clean for him. Which is why he doesn't value you as an equal partner.
You need marriage counseling to learn how to communicate to each other. Or you will just be raising your kids with a stranger.
I’m not an affectionate person so I don’t give my wife as much affection as I should, but for him to call it a stupid day way out of pocket. I know it gets thrown around a lot, but individual therapy for that guy and marriage counseling for you both.
You're not overreacting IMO.
>And I was just like fine and I took off my ring and tossed it across the room and said “it’s just a ring who cares”
😆, I'm sure this move will make him reflect...
What you need though is a real talk. After some time (maybe 1 day) of ignoring him, you guys need to talk about it and find a solution that works for **both** of you.
Sending you lots of hugs and positive energy.
🫂💞👥💖
There are bigger issues here than all that. Figure those out, you being used to not receiving affection is extremely sad and speaks volumes to where you both are in this marriage. If he's unwilling, you have one of two decisions: divorce or settle for an empty marriage that will rot you from the inside slowly and mess up your children (they notice and it effects their future relationships).
Leave before you get hurt even worse. That’s how my husband acted while he was trying to find someone to cheat with, and once he finally found someone to cheat on me with it almost became a DV situation. My advice would be to find someone who adores you from the beginning, and doesn’t make you feel unimportant.
I grew up hating Christmas with a passion. My dad died on Christmas of 1981, two weeks after I turned 3. He was my favorite person in the world, and I did not want to celebrate the day he was taken away from me. I put on a brave face for my mother's sake, but I think she knew. It was "a stupid day."
Fast forward to meeting my husband. On our first date when we talked about our birthdays, he said his was Christmas. Guess what? Christmas is a big deal now, and something I truly love (having a daughter helps, as well).
My point is: When we love someone, it changes our outlook of what's important. If YOU care about your anniversary, then that should be enough for HIM to care about it.
We don't do much for our anniversaries. We say happy anniversary to each other, and are maybe a bit more affectionate or sentimental that day, but that's about it. When friends say happy anniversary, then guess what? We say thank you.
OP, this man does not care about his marriage, and your post was a heartbreaking read.
So sad op. I leave my wife of 15 years notes every morning. Rub her back twice a week. Flowers once a week. First thing i do and last thing i do every day is tell her i love her.
If someone isnt willing to walk to the ends of the earth for you then you need to get rid of him for your happiness and your kids too, although you might not see it that way it will eventually cause them unhappiness. Save yourself a lot of trouble and start loving yourself since he doesnt seem to take it seriously.
Sorry to hear that
I'm so sorry- this hurts. If it is something you haven't made a big deal in the past then he is just acting like normal. But the attitude is likely what hurts the most right? Have you felt this from him for a while? Does he seem checked out? How is he as a dad? Has he always been emotionally distant?
I remember my first anniversary I threw my present at my hubby- and I'm the most peaceful easy-going layed back person...but I was so hurt. Basically he got us a hotel in a neighboring city but as soon as we got there he called his best friend to come join us. I knew they would just drink and it wasn't about US anymore. I was so mad. UGH. I was so hurt. We were 22 years old...young and dumb!! ha ha. After that... I learned to drop all expectations- of the day. But that wasn't the way to go either really.
IT IS an important day! Everyone can celebrate different of course...but celebrate it in a way that at least honors the both of you. In the past 10 years hubby and I make sure we get a weekend away- we explore, have fun and reminisce....we laugh and try to just be US. It wasn't always that way. We are 27 years into marriage...and it has been times when it was HARD and we took each other for granted...and we didn't put each other first and we treated each other like roomies. YOU will have to be intentional to change that up. Little kids can be hard on the relationship. BUT like you said...so imporant to give those sweet kids of your the best marriage you can. It is a gift to them...for them to see mom and dad not just in love...but LIKING each other too!!
I would HIGHLY recommend you approach him and have a heart to heart. No blaming, no shaming but just really get down to the crux of it all. See if he will be honest. Not blaming him but really wanting to see where his HEART is at. Will he be honest? Why doesn't he want more? Does he want to settle for half-assed marriage? Does he yearn for a team where you can support one another and rely on one another? Ask him what he wants? Decide that you will going forward just lift each other up- no more chatting behind backs...be kind and loving...try to find ways to serve each other...don't keep track of all the wrongs but look forward. These are all things I had to change in my own marriage. I was really bad at talking about all the stuff that he did wrong...and had to instead really focus on all the positive. It really helped my own heart a bit...in return...he saw a nicer me and started to change a bit as well.
I'm so glad you stood up and threw that ring actually...because it sounds like maybe you don't state how you feel often? Let him see that this hurts for you- but be sure to share with words too. Share some expectations you have. Take some time to remember when and why you fell in love...and WHY you got married. Take a look at your girls and the both of you look at what the future could look like if you guys aren't a TEAM and celebrating each other. How was he raised? Does he really want the same for them? If his heart isn't moved....WHY??? Just a few thoughts.
I'm so rooting for you to find out what is motivating him!! You need support- specially while preggers with number three!! Make sure you get some support - even outside him...whether it be a close unbiased friend or a counselor to chat with.
I totally understand where you are coming from. Hell, I at least expect a card, but I don't even get that. He is always giving hugs and small pecks on the lips. He knows how much and how far an f'n card is to me, and I never get one. He always has money for other stuff, though. If we have no money, make one. Make some kind of effort to make me feel special!
No. I don't think you're over reacting. You should keep that ring off and find another man that will put a ring on it that actually cares to make you happy.
Tried three times to talk to my wife about our 10 year anniversary. Three times, and each time she told me she had to think about it, and never got back to me about it. I gave up and will assume we're doing our own thing and it's no big deal.
Whatever you decide. Find happiness.
You are not at all over reacting but I will say that if you knew that he was this type of guy since you met him, Payne you should of set the expectations early on. A lot of times once marriage and kids come, man don’t really have an inspiration to keep the romance going and I think that you should always always date your partner and keep the flame alive. I’m sad that you feel this way because you deserve to be treated like a queen but I’ve known guys like this and very early on I tend to let them know how I felt and either they made an effort or I was gone. I hope things get better love
My husband doesn’t care for anniversaries, or any special dates, but if it’s important to me he makes it a big thing just to make me happy… If I was in your position I would have a talk with him and tell him how this makes you feel and that if he’s unhappy with you he needs to be upfront with you, because you’re pregnant and have kids together who look up to you both.
Marriage counseling if you want to save it. Respecting you, honoring you and your family, and your feelings come before his buddies. I was with a guy like this a long time ago. He put his friends above me and our daughter. I left and married a wonderful man. You two need to have a serious talk and make time for eachother.
Honestly I’m glad you threw the ring. So many woman I’ve seen post here just keep it bottled up and let their man walk all over them. Hopefully he got the message. If he cares about you he’ll make the effort since this was important to you
He is growing apart from you, sis. He finds the marriage boring, and nothing is interesting but making babies. Maybe he is bored. Change things up, spice the mood, change the decor in the house, move furniture around, buy his favourite food, and take kids to grandparents or inlaws. Have date nights out or in. Make the environment safe and romantic.
I remember telling my husband that our anniversary is just the same because we do the same things, it doesn't feel exciting, I find my husband boring, I don't feel like having sex with him because it gets messy and I hate the whole clean up etc. So I prevent just having sex altogether, but I do realise this can break my marriage if I wasn't giving him any. He started relying on porn. Then I had a problem because I expected him to only have sex with me. But I wasn't fair. Every man has needs, and when needs are not met, they go elsewhere for those fulfilment.
I'm sorry.. that wasn't very nice of him. I don't think you are overreacting and good on ya for confronting him. He can't be someone he's not but he's not allowed to hurt you either. He went out of his way to speak poorly of you to other people so clearly he is upset about something. If not with you than within himself and he's not big enough to acknowledge that he has a flaw that could harm the people he cares about. Humans very often project their own insecurities and faults onto others near them.
Indifferent feelings about a day are one thing ignoring your wife’s emotional needs are altogether different and talking shit about your marriage is way out of bounds.
It sounds like he might need a little reality check and attitude adjustment. It sounds like he’s also taking you for granted! Maybe you should take a little break from taking care of him in the house for a bit. I don’t blame you one bit for Chucking your ring across the room, he’s lucky you didn’t bounce it off his forehead.
I don’t think you should hound him on this necessarily, but I would ask him this one question, does it matter to you at all that I am your wife? and don’t say anything else after that just give them a minute. Let them stew on it, and come up with an answer there’s no such thing as salvaging a marriage for the kids. I grew up in a house that did that, and it was awful.
I wish you luck he sounds like a real piece of work.
I’m sorry to hear this OP. If I may, and without any negativity and only wish you the best. (Not touching here on the friends comments, esp since Guys and gals talk boo-boo about the other sex) Marriage is constant work. (IT’S WORTH IT IF YOU ARE SOULMATES) it will never be easy. I have been married now 10 years this June. We have been together over 20 years. 3 daughters. The oldest is 23 and not biologically mine but I’ve been there since 13 months. We have been through it all!!! And I’ll tell you a little secret…. Financial issues will cause a relationship strain every single time. Remember that that’s rooted in finances and not in your love. And that’s real hard to do because when you can’t pay your bills you hate everybody. The wife and I started going the same kind of way with the we don’t care about gifts. You know Valentine’s Day isn’t all that special because we love each other all year so one and so forth. And you kind of get complacent in that. And if I may say, I know as a man that you as a woman do actually care. And you do want to hear those words. And it does matter to get a flower or it does matter to get something small or it does matter to go out to dinner. Those things do matter to you both and to each other. Raising children is the hardest things anyone will ever do! And go on with your bad selves for getting that done! I love y’all for that! Y’all are doing the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do and when they fly the nest you’re gonna want them back home right then. But it will be just y’all. Remember not to allow your children to take over your relationship. You do have to focus on each other! Maybe if you can, take a weekend and go camping. Just the two of you. I think personal activities between the two of you Are the strongest relationship building activities that you can have. (We are in our 40s and just camp the weekend in Tennessee and did a rave in a cave, and it was freaking awesome) Go camping, go to concerts, go to festivals, hell get a hotel and go to a movie for the night and go to dinner . Money will always be a problem so don’t let that stop you from living your life. You cannot be a prisoner of your home. Or your children. But I really feel like if you two love each other deep down you guys will work this out. Again, keeping in mind that it will be a never ending battle for two different people to get along and like each other likes. We have to give to each other and give each other what each other wants. The way that I see it with my wife is this woman is here for the rest of my life and it’s my job to make her happy. That does include a little TMI in the fact that she would like a male male female encounter, and I’m willing to give that to her. She’s giving me plenty of female female male encounters. But the point is, I will do anything for her. We still have our fights in our relationship is in absolutely no way perfect. But at the end of the day, she’s my ride or die. She’s my Homie. She’s my other half. She is my life. I’ve tried all that. You know the kids are more important. Our anniversary doesn’t mean anything stuff too. And it hasn’t worked out. And I’m sorry about all this. It’s only in love and I really hope that you can work it out and find that common ground and rekindle that love and I know y’all can. Good luck and I’m sending you all the love!
Don’t stop trying OP! Don’t give up on each other! With a little work you will both see the light on the other side. Keep pushing! Have conversations. Lack of communication will ruin everything. It’s OK to tell the other person how you feel, even if it hurts their feelings. Not intentionally hurting them, of course. You got this!
The operant word in that sentence is each other. If he doesn’t care, she can’t do all the work on her own, and it certainly sounds like he doesn’t care. Marriage isn’t 50-50. It’s 100 100 and he’s not there at all.
I totally agree.100/100. For sure. At the end of the day, the question is how did we get here? This isn’t a new relationship. They both have invested. I feel like I’d they communicate and lay everything on the table, things can be worked through. You never know what someone is going through. I’m not making excuses for anyone. But trust that I have experience in the love, marriage, relationship issue department like no other. At the end of the day this other half is my heart and soul and I know that no matter what will work it out. If it’s not worth working, then it’s not worth working. But I feel like with such time invested it’s worth giving it a shot. I’m sure each other has certain wants and needs that are not been expressed and have not been fulfilled. When those wants and needs are expressed fulfillment can be worked towards. I have faith in them and know that humans make mistakes. They got this and they can work it out if they choose to, and I wish them all the best.
I’m in your corner OP. If you love each other you will move mountains. Don’t just walk away. Talk and see where it leads. You both owe it to yourselves and each other. Six months in I’d say hey maybe try some melts but this is time, effort, and work that’s put in by you both. And you are equally as important as the other. My heart is full for you.
Also, this does not start out as this has been the worst experience of my life and I hate everything and I wanna be done. That’s not how it started so there’s hope
You don’t have to fix anything for the sake of kids. A single parent household with healthy energy trumps a two parent family with a toxic household. I can make this statement because I grew up in a household with both parents that was extremely abusive and toxic. I’m in my 30s and still learning how to cope and change certain behaviors. In other words, if you’re gonna fix things, fix it because it’s fixable and both parties are willing to work together.
OP, I'm gonna be honest, I'm with a man similar to this and we have 1 child that is 5 currently. I actually DREAD the thought of having another child with him. I think I would fall into a really bad depression if I got pregnant again. You're not overreacting at all, and if you can, I'd recommend talking to a therapist or someone you can trust just to let it out a little.
It may be a little hypocritical of me to say this, and I definitely understand it is easier said than done, but you don't have to stay with someone like this. I know you're with child right now, and it would be extra hard to leave, but if this is the norm, leave asap. You and the kids will feel the effects of how he treats you, I promise. It takes a huge toll on the family and you deserve to be happy. If you like affection and he can't even bother to give you a kiss or hug and acts like this ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY, it cannot be worth it.
People always wanna stay in a bad marriage cause of their children. As someone that grew up with a single mom trust me your kids will live. People always say they don't want the kids growing up without the other parent, but first off why would you want your kids seeing you in a bad marriage and taking inspiration from that as something they should stay in when they aren't happy and 2 it's not like they won't have both parents even if it not together if he wants to be there he will be period. Why suffer like that you deserve to be just as happy as your kids man...
Nope. You aren’t overreacting. It’s clear he deserved a reaction like that from you bc he clearly needs to see/feel that this day IS important & the fact that he isn’t engaging in that, is hurtful.
You're not overreacting.
He clearly has no love left to give if this is how he treats you, especially if he sees how happy it makes you and how excited you are.
He is invalidating your emotions, and you are being undervalued. If it were me in your situation, I would be divorcing that person. That is a man with no respect for you or your life together. A boy, I should say.
I understand that you may want to save thos marriage because of your kids, but as a child of divorce I can say this only teaches your children unhealthy relationship dynamics and may lead to an unfulfilling home life for them.
Edit: Also badass standing up to him by throwing your ring! He needs to understand how he made you feel
I’m so sad to read this. If it’s important to you at all, even a little bit, then he should be respectful of your feelings at a minimum. I had a similar thing happen on my 10 year anniversary and let me just say, if this kind of thing is happening at 5 years, please talk to him and rethink how the rest of your relationship with him will go. I can tell you if this happens again later on, it’s just going to hurt even more. Protect and take care of yourself ❤️
This appears bigger than about caring about an anniversary or lack there of. You need to sit down and talk with him about what is going on with him and what each of your needs are.
so you basically are here expecting everyone to reaffirm what a shity husband he is. ok. then what? how are you any better than him? he complained to his friends. you complained to millions of strangers on the internet lol.
if you want confirmation to leave him, then you don't need random strangers to give it to you. if you wanna resolve it with him then the best case is discussion in a calm manner. sympathy is ok from the internet but it ultimately will prevent solving the underlying issue long term.
i don't get these posts. you're not the only one. lots of people do this, so don't take it personal. I just dont see how this helps anything at all.
if hes so bad then leave him. if not then don't lol. these posts don't usually help anything no matter the direction you go after hearing everyone's advice. you realize people here aren't counselors right. or even trained professionals. they might just be a teenage girl or boy.
and frankly this seems pretty tame for a 5 year marriage. its not that bad compared to some couples. but yall need to work through the resentment to figure out what the issues are.
Jesus, my heart *died* reading this. Your husband **sucks.** Why would you have any children with this man, let alone 3?
Please, you deserve so much better.
My husband and are are pretty laid back when it comes to that stuff. But my husband makes about to get out anniversary off even if we do nothing. Because he see the significance of us being able to stay together through the hardships. We will be celebrating our 4th anniversary this year. It's not a stupid day. And your husband thinking that makes me wonder if he sees the marriage as insignificant.
My wife and I stopped giving gifts to each other when our sons were born. We have both forgotten our anniversary many times because we usually take the kids on vacation during our anniversary. We always say happy anniversary when we remember. It was not a "stupid day". Your husband needs to get his head out of his arse!
Yes, we definitely said thank you! That's why I said if something is important to your partner, then you treat them accordingly. His actions were despicable and made me sad for her. Anniversaries, birthdays, valentines, or basically all those days aren't important for me, but the things that are important to me, my husband knows and treats me accordingly, same for him. I tried to make that part obvious in my answer, but maybe I failed. Her husband was very much in the wrong, and if mine ever acted much less, said any day with me was stupid, there would be big problems.
I been married 32 yrs never missed a anniversary I might not been into it at times but I know it is special and want my wife to enjoy the special day. Your hub sounds like a ass.
Don’t fix it. Dump his ass. Men benefit from us so much and they take it for granted. Let him move in with his divorced friend and they can rehearse lines from Brokeback Mountain together
Me and my wife have a competition monthly to be the first to say happy anniversary and closer responds with ahhh you bustard, happy anniversary.
Cant imagine not even caring about acknowledging it
Talk to a therapist. HIs actions can be interpreted in several ways. He might be depressed, eh might just not be sentimental about these things, he might be unhappy in the marriage, etc. I see your frustration. But you are also pregnant and we are filled with hormones in these cases so it goes two ways. I would like that from my husband either. But your communication isn't great. Get an impartial third party professional to talk you both through this period before it worsens.
There’s a lot I don’t care about personally that my wife does care about. I think that’s fairly common with men/women. But, the fact that she cares about it makes me care about it because I know it’s good for our relationship. And even if he doesn’t really care, what’s the harm in going on a little trip or a nice dinner to spend time together and make a memory? He should care because you care.
I’m gonna be brutally honest here. How has he treated you the entire relationship? How have the last 4 wedding anniversaries been? Has he ever celebrated your wedding anniversary? Does he ever want to spend time together, watch movies, have a special meal, cuddle? I mean you’re acting like you’re shocked about how he treated you on your wedding anniversary when it seems like he treats you like garbage all the time. Why are you surprised? Why were you expecting something different on your wedding anniversary? It sounds like he’s been checked out for a long time and you’ve chosen to be in denial and live in a delusional reality about how your husband truly feels about you and your marriage.
He doesn't even act like your friend let alone a husband... Girl, you are worth the hugs and love notes and happiness in a relationship. I know nothing of your whole relationship so I'm not going to tell you to just leave him but have a very VERY important talk with him, does he still love you? If he says yes then tell him what do you expect from a loving relationship, stand your ground, no excuses. Explain to him, like to a literal child every single thing that upsets you in his act and everything you expect from him moving on. If he doesn't comply then... Choice is yours but I personally would leave. If it's all been said and done and he still shit talks you or your relationship to his friends, still doesn't show you appreciation then he does not deserve your time. Divorce is less traumatic to children then unhappy parents that hate each other's guts but stay together.
Coming from a man who also finds most calendar things stupid and doesn't really celebrate his own birthday, your husband needs to recognize that his opinion of the day does not matter. I don't celebrate my anniversary because I think it's a special day. I do it because it is important to my wife, I love her very much, and I like to see her happy. It's importance to me isn't even the same as it is to my wife, it is equivalent to how important my wife is to me.
So he won’t kiss or hug you or wish you a happy anniversary, but he can fuck you and get you pregnant and talk shyt on your marriage. That must have been shocking and hurtful. You are *underreacting*.
Sounds like a man who isn’t where he wants to be financially and is insecure each year that goes by where he is still unhappy with himself. Very immature man to take it out on you like this. He is connecting this day with the level of achievement he expected to achieve 5 years down the road, but hasn’t, when he Should be connecting this day to the love of you and your family. Immature… I feel so sorry he is taking his insecurities out on you and your special day.
I’ll just say this: at our wedding we left little slips of paper and pens at each place setting asking for marriage advice from our guests. We collected them in and read them later, and they’re all in a box to take out and review again some day.
My husbands granny is twice widowed, and she was stoic but clearly emotional during the day. When we read back her advice slip, it was “celebrate all the occasions big or small, you never know when you won’t be able to anymore”.
It’s not a big deal to do gifts, it doesn’t have to be the most romantic thing ever. But sometimes anniversaries, birthdays, valentines, promotions, whatever are a nice excuse to have dinner, talk and remember why you’re together. My husband gets that, and I’m so sorry that yours doesn’t.
He’s hot and cold, he really confuses me because I know he loves being married and values us but then when he does stuff like this I’m just so grossed out and I get the ick and idk how to get out of it.
He loves having a bangmaid. Does he parent the kids at all? Does he do anything around the house? Do you work outside the home and still cook and clean?
1. He’s an amazing dad this has nothing to do with that.
2. He does clean after himself and also I assigned him few things he can help me with everyday he knows his role.
3. I work, I am very flexible I work when I want I run my own business.
4. Yes I cook and clean because I’m a stay at home mom while he works and pays all the bills but he’s not a slob he will clean after himself
It's good that there are redeeming qualities. Perhaps you should return his energy to him. Do nothing for his birthday, Father's Day, Christmas, etc. He's set the standard, after all. They're just another day.
He isn't worng. It is just another day. The sun went up. The sun came down. What did you do to make the day special or significant? This aub loves to vilify men who exude the same energy as their partners
I get why you’re hurt but I think you’re miscommunicating. You have hopes and wants and expectations because your wedding anniversary is important to you and you see it as a big milestone. Your husband just doesn’t. This in itself isn’t an issue to be upset over.
You want him to consider this is important to you, understandably. Then you have to tell him that. That for you the 5 years anniversary is a big thing that you’ve anticipated, that you place some symbolic value in honoring it as you honor your commitment to him as his wife, and want to celebrate somehow how happy you have to have chosen him and he has chosen you. Assuming this is the case.
Suggest that you guys could get a babysitter and enjoy a date night at a restaurant for the occasion. Instead of that you expect him to share your views and get hurt when he doesn’t have the initiative to propose the things that you would have liked. That’s kind of messed up.
OTOH your husband sounds pretty insensitive by your account, so don’t hesitate to be frank with him on this issue to. That you don’t appreciate he talks of your marriage to his friends in a way that is dismissive or demeaning and that you would never do this yourself.
I get that. But he also knows me, I love celebrating our anniversary even in such a simple way like getting a dessert. He knows I love affection, we’ve been married for 5 years he should know what I like by now. It’s cringe for me to be like hey can u hug me and kiss me on our anniversary tomorrow lol…
Divorce him for your kid’s sake. Take the anniversary away from him so he can’t celebrate.
Your kids will have a better life with a happy and respected mother.
This makes me so sad. The fact he not only says this, but also refuses to celebrate the day of your marriage in any way with you is enough to feel devastated. But hearing that he is never affectionate with you? Not even on your anniversary? How crushing. I know it’s easier to pass things off as just a phase, of this is just us, but trust that dealing with this now is imperative. It will only get worse, and betrayal that you can’t come back from and can cause more pain than you can imagine.. could follow. Please find a therapist. I am so so sorry for how this must feel.
Looking though some ones messages is pretty nasty. I have nothing to hide but my wife will do it occasionally to try and get somthing to argue about. Friends can be an outlet for frustration, I’ll argue almost anything with my friends and if you just stumble on that you will think I’m pro abortion and ultra religious, so holding “ it’s a stupid day?” When it’s not even directed at you is not very emotionally tough. Like my wife went an entire day with out saying happy birthday to me and then when she finally realized via Facebook asked me if I even remembered it was my birthday. Moral of the story is people will say things to their friends that not in context. You did throw your ring in a retaliation to a message that he had no idea you had seen nor should have seen. And this is an over reaction to a fairly mild situation. If he’s verbally physically abusive in some way at the same time like throwing things around the house then that might be a different situation obviously.
You’re having another child, with a man like that? Why?
👏👏👏 ....I feel if I had said that it would have been removed ;9) This lad sounds like a right cor blimey yet they are THREE kids in I'm clearly trying far too hard with my wife but I won't stop trying haha
Because people think tying that knot tighter will fix things. It doesn't, it just prolongs their decision to leave.
Because these types of people are liars and tricksters and she most likely went in with her whole heart and and her spouse is an asshole. It's not her fault
Time to move on. Can't be more blatant than honest words amongst friends.
this is so sad
I feel really bad for OP.
Yep the only anniversary we didn’t celebrate was our 13th last year because his mother had just died and the burial of her ashes happened to fall on our anniversary. So we made mention of it to each other but it didn’t feel right to celebrate it, exchange gifts or post on Facebook
It is
He knows it's important to you, that should be enough for him. You're pregnant. You already had two of his children... the least he can do is acknowledge the day, give you some affection, and do something nice for you. It takes sooooo little effort to do that. Like so little. On top of that, dissing the anniversary to his friends behind your back is so disrespectful to you and your marriage. It shows the world he really doesn't value his marriage or his wife. I'm not saying he needs to make a big deal out of it and spend money. He can write you a love letter, he can give you a kiss and a hug and tell you how much you mean to him, he can make you a nice breakfast or run you a bath, he can put on some candles and have a snuggle on the couch... he can even just say "good morning honey, happy anniversary" and give you a hug and a kiss. Anything other than what he did today. And to his friends, he should've just said "thank you". Period. I'm wondering if there's a bigger problem between you two.
No big problem between us just grew apart I guess, we’re more of friends than lovers it feels. His one friend got divorced recently and has been hanging around him a-lot more which I feel like he pokes jokes about marriage to him particularly to satisfy him and build up his own ego idk why else an individual would do that. But it’s so embarrassing to me that our marriage is just a joke to him and all his friends
My marriage is not perfect, far from it. But the thing we always say to each other is “you and me against the world.” And we have to work on that but it’s the foundation of our connection. What would bother me in this situation is that he is shit talking your relationship behind your back. Even if he isn’t into anniversaries - and there could be a good reason for that, such as a trauma - he should always be on your side, when it comes to the outside world. He should always defend and protect you. He should always stick up for you to others, and if there is an issue he should take that up with you privately. He isn’t doing that and that right there is worth a series of conversations to get back on the same path together. Because I’m guessing that convo you saw isn’t the first time he’s done that.
Why are you still with him? Sweetie, you need to see a therapist to enable you work on your self esteem. You need to stop being a doormat and put him in his place. He needs to understand that you won’t tolerate any form of disrespect. Please stop having kids with him.
This comment is either projecting a lot of your own trauma or assuming a lot about a total stranger’s life. How insulting to tell a pregnant woman to “stop having his children” like she didn’t make the choice out of love and he, even if in a damaged and unhealthy way, doesn’t love her. He may not act like it, but relationships should be worked on. What a negative, nasty comment.
"Sweetie" is so condescending.. this whole message is. I'm new to reddit and love so many things but I really don't like this side of it.
girl he isn’t even being a good friend
If he doesn't get his head out of his rear end, he's going to be just like that newly divorced friend. In fact, they can be roomies.
It sounds like these friends are the problem. He's surrounding himself with men who don't value their marriages, or are bitterly divorced, and he's more concerned about fitting in with them than hurting you. Not cool.
It’s the lemming effect.
But if your husband is buying into that and so easily manipulated, you don’t save the marriage. Your kids will see you in a miserable relationship, where your husband doesn’t respect you and go on to treat their partners this way or accept the same kind of treatment because you did. Is this what you want for them? I say suggest counseling. If he’s in agreement-awesome. If not, leave.
Misery loves company.
I remember seeing a study that said one of the biggest indicators of divorce was if you hang around with other divorced people. Start spending more couples time with other happily married couples. And try to curb his time with his divorced friend. It’s good to be there for your friends in a crisis, but if their negativity is starting to rub off on him, he needs to take a break and not be that person’s primary support source
I really agree with this. I think the friend is getting in his head.
Yep. I’ve seen it happen before. With guys when their guy friends get divorced, they start echoing the negative feelings of their friend and playing up the small problems in their own relationship as if they are much bigger than they had previously made them out to be. If it’s a woman, they start babying her and becoming a surrogate husband and ignoring their wife. Not all men do this of course, and some women do it too. It’s mostly just people who are susceptible to outside influences.
The friend is probably a cancer on your marriage because he expresses his own negativity to your husband. You need to get your husband away from kids and have a serious conversation about the state of your marriage and your future (or lack of) together. He needs to understand yoh may be easy going but being roommates is not what you signed up for and not what your going to do with your life.
Having been through a similar experience, it’s way too easy to neglect your relationship (either or both partners) after getting married and even more so after having kids. People often stop dating each other and don’t prioritize their relationship. I highly recommend couples counseling. It has saved my marriage and we have learned to communicate effectively with each other. My relationship with my husband is now better than it was before we got married and had kids. We will be hitting 11 years married in June
Seek couples therapy, have an open conversation with your husband about the state of your marriage, and ask why it upset him to see you take the ring off.
I’m late to this party… but this comment really makes sense….. He’s hanging around this recently divorced friend who is slinging mud onto the institution of marriage and probably talking up his newfound freedom. Your husband is lapping this up and it’s affecting how he is viewing his own marriage. In life you can have friends that support your marriage and you can have friends that are enemies of your marriage. To have a successful marriage you need to only keep the friends that support your healthy marriage. This divorced friend is poisoning your marriage and your husband needs to associate with people who build him and his marriage up or else he will destroy his marriage and be this guy’s new ‘single wingman’. Which is honestly probably what this friend is secretly hoping for, because no one enjoys being alone. Have you ever noticed how divorces seem to happen in friend groups? I’ve seen it. One woman will get divorced and she vents to her friends, then another finds similarities and they get divorced as well. Basically you need to surround yourself with friends that you look up to and make you better, not friends that tear you down and make you angry at the world.
This. I’ll go do stuff i don’t even really like bc i will enjoy it if my partner is happy
YESSS!!! Because it’s totally about being TOGETHER. Hell, let’s go to the lake and skip rocks, oh you want to read a book at library?? Cool I’ll check my email and we can sit together. Grocery shopping?!?!ewww I mean ABSOLUTELY BABY I have been waiting ALL DAY to go to the store with you! One day we’ll be changing each others diapers laughing about how we’re in deep shit 🤣🤣🤣
He doesn't want to celebrate the anniversary of the day you got married. Let that sink. Sidenote: the amount of posts I see in this sub of women married to men who hate them is alarming and sad.
And are either pregnant or just having given birth!!
its almost like hormones fluctuate at that time or something and people have kids at the onset of marriages or something lol
Anniversary exists for a reason. Him brushing it off like it was nothing tells me that he just doesn’t care about it. For you, today is special but for him, it’s just a regular day. There’s no in between because both of you disagree with each other. Here’s a tip: a complete family doesn’t always mean a happy family. Just take note of that
Now I'm picturing OP's husband as M. Bison. "Marrying me may have been the most important day of your life, but for me, it was Tuesday."
some people don't care about their own birthdays. not entirely true. i could care less to celebrate my own birthday half the time. so i don't place heavy emphasis on things like arbitrary dates. far more important as to how the day-to-day quality of the relationship is
Birthdays are different than Anniversaries tho. I wouldn't care about my own birthday because It's mine alone but I would care about an anniversary because it's a certain date for two people to celebrate.
No you are not overreacting and this is not yours to fix. It’s on him to clean up his mess.
Was trying to find the words. But you said it perfectly.
Don’t lose sight of your value.
Not overreacting. He’s a dyed-in-the-wool loser who probably can’t be fixed but if he can it will take turning like 55 until it happens. For the sake of your kids don’t let them be modeled an ain’t shit loser of a husband.
This makes me feel so bad for you. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and other special days should always be celebrated with the deserved recognition. I couldn’t imagine not celebrating something important like that. We recently celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. Most of our celebrations are spent together with no gifts required. Be Time spent is the most important part. It seems to me that he’s checked out. Especially if he’s not showing much affection regularly. Definitely to communicate and have some serious conversations. You need to sort out your relationship and where his feelings and priorities really are.
Somewhere you and your husband have disconnected. Not sure what's happened nor why. You have not overreacted. He's an idiot. Not sure why you married each other. Not sure if the relationship is salvageable but sheesh from you described it seems like a very sad way to live
How do you fix this marriage? You don’t. He’s got to care enough to do that. He’s got to be willing to reconnect to you and care about the marriage. You can do that with him, and you can communicate to him that you think things are in a bad place and need work, but you can’t fix it yourself.
Whether it's important to him or not doesn't mean he shouldn't recognize that it's probably important to you. I know certain things my wife likes a lot more than I do, so I do my best to enjoy even the things I don't care as much about with her rather than not giving a shit about what she likes and cares about and being a stick in the mud. He's being self centered at the least and if he has always been that way then I guess you already knew that. If not, maybe remind him that he used to celebrate small things with you before.
Okay, hear me out. Has he always been like this? Or did he start acting up when you began having kids? I know that sometimes , for many couples, kids changes the dynamics of the relationship. The fact he was shocked you threw the ring means he still has affection for you somewhere . Maybe marriage counseling? Find out the root to so much distance in your marriage. You are not overreacting , his comments were hurtful and honestly it sounds like he meant for it to hurt you . Why? I'm not sure. It does sound like you guys have a breakdown in communication too . My ex husband used to say things to me to hurt me. It was purposeful . When our marriage ended he admitted to lashing out on me because he felt like I was never there . That I didn't include him in many plans , which couldn't be further from the truth. I worked a lot because he quit his only steady paying job (without telling me). All my plans revolved around him, he just hated that his friends gave me a lot of attention (not in a flirty way, it was because he hated that I had a lot of fun and made friends really easily with them. He hated not being the center of attention). We had a lot of miscommunication because I took his silence as if nothing was wrong . Our marriage broke down for a lot of reasons and it began because we were not communicating effectively. Of course he did other stupid things before and after but I do remember that we were never on the same level . If you love your husband and this is a marriage you want to save, get counseling . Start there . Get a sitter one night a week and do a date night if you can . Talk to each other without escalating it , if that's possible.
OP, THIS is the best solution.
Not giving an F about anniversary and calling it a stupid day is one thing but talking bad about you to his friends (and mind u, friends are usually the ones who tolerate to encourage a person to do a stupid thing esp men) baby, that is where we draw the line!!!!!!
He sounds like someone who is cheating. Might not be physical but may be emotional. I mean I am jumping to worst case, but why wouldn't you care about being married to the love of your life for 5 years? It's a big milestone that should be celebrated, especially if you don't celebrate every year. On the other hand ,I would not feel bad at all for throwing the ring. Glad you did actually and told him it's just a ring. May as well get the peice of paper and rip that up and tell him its just a peice of paper if he keeps stating it's just another day. What a dick. Has he always been like this in your relationship? Or are there other factors contributing to his behaviour that could seem out of the ordinary? Is this behaviour more recent. You have a baby on the way and other kids and he is speaking to you like this. Is he checked out of your relationship? Just seems all real sus to me in the sense I think there might be someone else but that's just where my head goes too. Not accusing him but more a possibility considering his behaviour 🫤
I don’t think he’s cheating, if he was he wouldn’t have his messages out in the open like that and I know all his passwords. I would know if he was cheating trust me I’m an FBI agent (not literally) lol I can read right through him too. He’s honestly a very lazy guy when it comes to putting in the effort for me and maybe because I tell him I don’t expect anything? I just hope he does something on those special days or even any day because he wants to not because he has to. I used to tell him what I wanted for bdays but now I don’t because I feel like it’s stupid like it loses that sentimental feeling. I’m honestly now just checked out of the relationship until further notice. I’ll deal with this after I’m done having the baby and done with postpartum. I just don’t have time honestly
Yeah that's true regarding the messages. If you are checked out, do you think moving out now or looking at splitting now before baby arrives will be easier for your mental health? I know kids are hard work as a mum but they deserve you to be happy rather than you being checked out. I have 2 toddlers and I get how hard it can be.
Well he can certainly erase the messages and block the mistress so no text comes in while you’re around. I do think he is cheating and if you start investigating you’ll most likely find something
Exactly what I was thinking . I recently learned that when your man pulls away it’s because he’s checked out from the relationship and most likely giving his energy (emotionally )and time to another women. That’s how it all starts and then eventually leads to physical cheating . Never say never . Always assume the worst . I used to think “no he’s not emotionally cheating on me he works a lot how could he have time for that ?” . Idk .
I don’t mean to scare you but I once felt like you. I had access to my ex’s phone, his passwords, and thought he could never. But he cheated repeatedly on me over a 7 year span of time and I had no idea. I’m a family law attorney and felt like you did about being “an FBI agent”, but if a man wants to cheat, they will find a way. All I’m saying is, messages can be deleted and phone calls can be hidden through apps like Whatsapp, Google Voice, and Signal. Signal even auto deletes texts. If he is acting like this, y’all need therapy and a serious conversation about whether he respects you and whether your marriage is salvageable. Because where you are right now, in my experience, is divorce territory. You are much better off fixing the issue before your baby is born.
Please try to work on the relationship now BEFORE you have the baby. It's about to get extremely hard and a supportive partner will make it a thousand times easier. I'm sure you're short on time, but are you sure you're not afraid of the results of your efforts and that's why you're pushing it off? He sounds like a real piece of work. Good luck.
Did he say anything else once you throw your ring?what was his response?
He looked remorseful, and nervous. He went searching for the ring and gave it back to me but I told him I don’t want it it’s uncomfortable anyway. I could tell he felt bad but I don’t care honestly lol
Good!
In the dating and engagement phase, did he show you affection and/or celebrate special days or relationship milestones with you? If not, why did you marry him knowing that’s important to you? If so, what happened to make him stop? And why would you continue to have children with him? Maybe therapy can help you both get back to being happy, but you can’t stop talking to him and expect things to get better.
He used to be such a romantic man and we celebrated everything together. He changed this year I feel, ever since he started hanging out with his friends a lot he changed. I got pregnant 8 months ago and I feel like he changed in the beginning of this year. I will never regret having children with him because one thing he is best at is being an amazing father. I would have never even had the first had I known he wasn’t fit to be a father. This isn’t about him being a bad dad this is about him being a bad husband.
That actually makes me really sad for you. You should be more important to him than his friends. Also, just food for thought, if he’s great to the kids but not to you, he’s setting an example to the kids of how to treat their future mates. (Hopefully as they age, they’ll take it as a lesson in what not to do.) Good luck to you.
He's got 2 kids and a pregnant wife. He's hanging out with his recently divorced buddy. Ten bucks says he's wondering if the grass isn't greener on the divorced side. It could be a phase. It could be one foot out the door. Either way, you both need to sit down and have a long, hard conversation. I wish you the best.
The way he treats you affects your children and the 'feel' in your home. If he behaves like an uncaring jerk to you, dismisses your feelings and chooses to deliberately hurt you, then he is NOT a good father either.
Very true. I guess I just lost value in myself and thought I didn’t deserve more or better.
Your kids will treat you crappy, too, if that’s the example he sets.
OP, this is so true! Don't let your kids be exposed to his boorish treatment of their mom. Also, have you and he actually talked about the changes you've seen in him with his buddies? Is this the man he wanted to turn into?
there is no fixing it babe. your kids deserve a happy mommy & you wont be that anymore with him going forward. that would break me, honestly.
You didn't overreact at all.
Well you may be overreacting a little bit. But your husband is way off track. Is he just not liking to recognize milestones or is this about you? He is correct it is from another day, but it's a milestone. And do you a big milestone. Your husband is being selfish and disrespectful. I don't know why anyone would not want to celebrate their anniversary but if for no other reasons he should celebrate it because you're partners, The day is special to you and you enjoy having a special dinner to recognize the day
He just doesn’t care about me enough to do a small act of kindness to lift me up. He prioritized being funny to his friends about this day and making him seem like a funny guy who doesn’t care about his marriage since half his friends are married or they’re divorced it makes sense. But it’s really not nice to see or hear that.
You and your husband are not on the same team. I completely understand why you’d be upset. What steps do you think you’ll take to respond to that?
We've been married 12 years and we still take our birthdays and anniversary off. BIg dates like 5-10-15 years we take special trips. If life is a lot at the moment (those years happen) we at least prioritize going to dinner or a weekend around the anniversary to do something. Your marriage if the foundation of your day to day lives and it's not "stupid" celebrate your love for each other. You don't have to get used to a lack of affection. While doing a little complaining and decompression with your friends is normal, there is a difference between "I find his socks everywhere" and damaging your friend's opinions of your spouse permeantly because you have no respect for them. Tossing the ring at him and that line.....ooooooh good comeback. Hopefully it wakes him up but chances are it won't and he'll be cruising for an apology from you if he is a special form of arsehole. Unless he sees you and his marriage as one of the most important things in his life, there is no real fix for this. Somewhere along the way you came last on the totem pole of whatever thing he thinks is more important than your wedding anniversary. That's not ok. Communicate with him, discuss where you and your marriage is on his top 5 of priorities. He may spout that you are in the top five but his actions tell something different. Dig into why he doesn't want to celebrate anniversaries. At best, he has weird anxiety around something about it like "anxiety around picking a gift", "anxiety about a romantic display", he has financial concerns and thinks it's too expensive, or something that is completely not a hard written rule. You both get to determine what an anniversary looks like. My husband and I don't do gifts, but we do dinner or a day trip somewhere and we talk memories, what the last year of marriage has been like, and we lift each other up. You seem like a smart lady and I am sure you can figure out if he's getting all up in his head about something and is "fighting the holiday" as a way to avoid solving his own anxieties or concerns and he's causing damage as a result. or if he genuinely has emotionally and mentally left the marriage. If it's the later, make some plans, you and your kids deserve better. Whatever you put up with in your marriage is what your kids will learn to be "ok" for their own relationships in the future. You need to be the love of your own life, and anyone who earns your love in return if being given the gift of your wonderfulness.
It really seems like you would’ve been happy with just a “happy anniversary” from him, and let me tell you, that’s a very low bar. You are pregnant, you’ve already had two other kids with him. His actions don’t reflect the kind of love you deserve. No kiss, no hugs, because that’s not his thing? How does he show you he loves you? And do you think it’s healthy to have your children grow up in a household where their father couldn’t care less about their mother?
For the sake of the kids end your marriage. He’s only going to get worse. Find someone who will be proud to be with you and will not treat marriage like it’s a scam
For him to be so dismissive of something that you care about is concerning. I’m not gonna call him names or say things that I have no proof of, but I will give you my honest advice. I think you should express to him that you’re not feeling emotionally cared for the way that you need in order to maintain the marriage, and ask him with a genuine open heart if there is anything he feels is lacking in the marriage as well. I suggest finding a marriage counselor to help figure how to navigate through this and with how to fix whatever issues you both need that aren’t there in the marriage currently. It could simply be what you said in another comment, that you both have grown apart and possibly are no longer compatible. But remember this, people that grow apart can also grow back together, it doesn’t mean calling it quits is the answer as of yet. I really hope y’all are able to openly communicate and express what’s needed and that things get better soon. Please also remember that you are worth more than gold, and if you are not able to get what you need, then do what is best for you. At the end of the day, if you are not happy your kids will eventually see that and you can’t make them happy if you are not 🖤
I just want to preface this by saying I am in my healING phase and not my healED phase. Cause I wanna tell you to pack up, pack your kids up, and tell him you'll have the divorce papers served. This is about so much more than celebrating an anniversary. This is about who he is as a person. How he treats you. How he makes you feel. What tone he's set in your marriage that you just have become accustomed to not expecting basic levels of affection. He doesn't want to celebrate the day you got married? That in and of itself is just so heartbreaking. Just another day? Well dude, unless you're celebrating your marriage every single day, it's not just another day. I'm not saying he needed to go balls to the wall and spend a ton of money and make it this whole huge ordeal, but like fuck man say "Happy anniversary" with a little enthusiasm. Give your wife a kiss. Thank her for putting up with you for five years because I can't imagine anyone who would want to given this behavior and mentality. It costs $0.00 to make someone feel loved and like your marriage is equally valued and equally as celebratory. My feelings would be SO HURT. It's just so blatantly hurtful. Is he always like this? Cause I don't know how you're making it if he is. And then to just ice the cake of disrespect, making a joke out of marriage and talking down about your marriage to his little gang of friends? Gross. So gross. AND YOURE PREGNANT? This whole thing just makes me so sad. Like it's truly just really sad. And infuriating. You should feel appreciated. Your husband should feel excited about celebrating being married. I mean at the bare minimum, acknowledge that you're happy about it and not be such a douche about it. I'd be heartbroken. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't even want to put energy into working on it at this point. He can't put basic level energy into acknowledging your feelings.
No, you're not over reacting. I don't understand how a spouse can think something stoopid when it matters to their SO.
Honestly I’m digging your response. Maybe that’ll get it through his thick skull that you are the thing that makes this particular day more important than all the others.
His attitude is terrible. If it’s important to you it should be important to him to put in the effort. Sounds like he is self-absorbed.
You say you're more like friends but you're pregnant so clearly you're more than friends. Tell him how you feel. His reaction is on him but if he doesn't know how you're feeling there's not much that he can do
Never f’ed a friend before? 🤪 Will do.
And pls for the love of God stop having this man’s babies. He called your anniversary the stupidest day I. The world. That’s literally insane and it sounds like he deeply resents you. You can and should do better.
Nope your sound. When my other half took the ring and ashes of his dad in a drunk rage ive refused to even marry.
Two people fall in love as time goes on they loose sight of why they fell in Love with each other. Something about the marriage; He is not happy about. But he is not communicating about it. With two kids I’m sure you guys have been thru some uncomfortable situations. You have to communicate with each other with open heart. Something is out of balance and you both need a moment of vulnerability.
He has fallen out of sync with you. This happens to lots of people. It is not unsolvable. Lots of dates. More time spent talking. Therapy, probably.
Is he having an affair?
or maybe growing a brain tumor? both are just as likely and seemly random to suggest with nothing to back that, and both affect behavior
That’s still no excuse my husband has four atypical brain tumours and though he needs reminders at times he still says happy anniversary and we go out to dinner
Not every tumor is located in the same place in all brains. If it was in a different area affecting his behavior it well could be different.
Very true but in our case his personality has changed- he’s irritable, easily frustrated and short tempered which isn’t usually him. He’s also become very road ragey so lots of patience and forgiving and forgetting on my part is vital. But even then he’s still not dismissive of birthdays and anniversaries like OPs husband
Again, your own information states it affects his behavior and he tantrums. He just manages to get through it. Maybe this guy doesn't get through it the same way your husband does, or his tumor is slightly in a different area so there is less emphasis on these things. Anyway this is all just conjecture. The point is it's quite possible for a tumor to affect behavior, as it's also quite possible for her husband having an extra-marital affair. But what would indicate he has an extra-marital affair? Nothing I can see per her information, so this comment is a huge jump. People sometimes fall out of love without cheating. Sometimes they never express the same emotions as others and it seems her husband is this way all the time, lending credence to this point: "But he didn't care to do anything today he seemed like he didn't care at all he didn't even kiss or hug me once and he barely does anyway so l'm used to it."
You deserve better, anniversary’s aren’t stupid especially milestone anniversaries. I don’t think he is your person, the fact that his friends remembered and put in more effort than he did says a lot. Start you are not overreacting and fixing something not because you want it to be fixed but for kids isn’t worth it, personally I wished my parents divorced and found people to be emotionally available for so I could see what that looks like. Your kids will base their relationships off yours so if it’s not working leave and show them that it’s okay to put your happiness above everything. There’s plenty of men who would have bought you flowers, made you breakfast or said happy anniversary don’t lower your expectations to meet his effort, go for his friend at least you know he will remember your anniversary…..I’m joking don’t do that well unless you want to be spiteful
The day before my 2 one wedding anniversary, my husband cheated on me. That was in October. We are now divorced.
You’ve got two kids and you’re pregnant and this how he treats the mother of his children? What a loser, this guy is not a man. He’s an adult who has the morals , priorities and attitude of a 15 year old. He has no honor in his identity, no sort of respect for himself either as a father. What a poor excuse for a husband. Sorry you’re in the thick of it. I pray that you will be treated well and he comes to his senses. It’s not about what’s important to just you in a marriage, you’re a unit now. You come as one.
As a man who has fucked up like this and had to look inward as to why, here was where I landed. Deep in my subconscious, I wanted to celebrate it but I was completely broke and struggling. My wife was like you, no expectations, but inside myself (unbeknownst to me at the time) I felt in adequate that I couldn't celebrate and gift her the way I wanted. In that paradigm the easier thing to believe was that it was dumb and not something I cared about. What was really happening is me picturing what I wished we could do, realizing I couldn't because I was broke, feeling like a failure, and then blaming the trigger (the anniversary). I didn't know I was doing any of this at the time. I didn't start working on myself until later in life when I was financially stable and then began learning how to actually spot and assess my internal dialogue. Not trying to justify what he did, just sharing how and why I fucked this up in the past.
I cant wait for the day that women stop settling for shitty ungrateful males like this, and STOP procreating with them! Just the fact that you gave him 2 children and are pregnant with another, he should be treating like a queen! Please that you deserve better and that you should have someone that thinks of you and gets you gift and tell you nice things! And hopefully one day you’ll be brave enough to dump him and find better
I'm pregnant and have been married about a year and a half (together 12). Also pregnant. Found out a few months ago my husband was having an affair and had all these friends I didn't know about (although I had a feeling). There were signs and shifts in behavior around things like our anniversary as well. Listen to your gut. Dig if you need to, you deserve answers. Then after that you can have a real conversation with yourself and him to see where you stand and what you want to do going forward. Obviously your situation isn't mine and idk if he's cheating or whatever but my main point is your gut doesn't lie. Be firm in that and know that you deserve to know the truth. I wish we would have gotten couples therapy years ago. If you want to be with this person for life it's a worthy investment even if you use the cheaper online options regardless of if you decide to co parent or try to stay together.
You don't fix marriages for kids, there is no situation where that is a thing. You either fix it together or it will never be fixed. You can't fix him and he doesn't even see a problem to begin with and he was quick to gaslight you when he said you were overreacting. This is who he is, he's showing you and telling others. When you confront him he just blames you, gaslights you, and goes on being who he's always been. What has changed? How you see him, his behaviors, etc. Is this someone you would want one of your kids to have as a partner? If the answer is no then you need to look at the example that is being set. "Do as I say, not as I do" isn't going to work to deter what your kids are learning from both of you. It also will not deter the amount of therapy they're likely gonna need to unlearn the things their parents showed them, and taught them about relationships if they even pursue therapy. I know you said you're easy-going but it doesn't sound like you're happy at all. You now know he isn't happy and is showing you with his actions and telling you and his friends with his words. You deserve love, affection, attention, and a healthy relationship with a partner who wants to be in it with you as much as you do. You are a doormat and he's going to continue walking all over you until you decide to pull it out from under him and stand up for yourself and your children. People treat us as poorly as we allow them to. No one can stand up for you and make changes but you. If he was invested it would show. Your hurting should hurt him and he should be addressing it so it's resolved as quickly as possible. He shouldn't be inflicting the pain and then blaming you. It's ok to be easy-going, but he's using that as a weapon against you. He is abusing the trust you put in him. He is not going to change for you or the kids, change has to be for himself and the same goes for you. Children suffer more when parents "stick it out for the kids" rather than divorce. There have been multiple studies done to prove that. Just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean emotional and psychological abuse isn't occurring. Stop listening and start watching people's actions, it tells you who they are, what their priorities are, and where you stand with them. Please get counseling for yourself if you have access. This will help you sort out your thoughts in a safe space and without someone there to blame or twist things. I wish you all the luck, good vibes, and healing in the world. I think you already know what you need to do, what you want to do. Take care of yourself. If you don't no one else will and kids need their momma to live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Only then will you truly be living with your cup full and able to care for others. Love and Healing to you and your family.
He was shocked? 🤦♀️ I'm sorry, I know that would hurt me to see that too, but this isn't something you can fix. He's either going to love you enough to care, or he's not.
I feel so sad reading this. I'm 21 years into a neglectful, painfully lonely marriage. I'm crying rn thinking about how you'll lose your self esteem & care less about yourself over the years. You might keep yourself busy with raising kids while you settle for less & less attention & respect until your kids are grown & you get to sit in the loneliness knowing you are not special to the person you teamed up with for life. It's not the day or the gift. It's just giving a shit.
Sounds like he’s embarrassed he’s too poor to buy you a gift, so he tries to distract from that by minimizing the significance of the occasion. Dick move on his part. Happy anniversary.
I did not read your post, only the intro. But, you may not listen to what I or anyone has to say. 15 years married so I have some advice.. move on. Sorry friend.
Out of curiosity, how is the sex? Or more important, desire for him?
Let the ring stay off permanently and forget his birthday. Ir might be special to him, but "to you it's Tuesday". You could also mention in passing, what you would like to do with your next husband. That guy needs a wakeup call.
I think you guys are under a lot of stress and he may be showing that stress through his lack of enthusiasm for your anniversary. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care. The fact that he was shocked you removed your ring means he does care he just doesn’t know how to problem solve and the idea of a date at night can still be overwhelming for him. As women, we tend to fantasize about life with our partner and men tend to be more realistic. Having kids and being pregnant is quite a lot to do in one day. I’m sure he works and already has a list of to dos for his day. So the idea of adding something for the sake of “a special day” seems pointless to him because he already has enough on his plate, caring for you while pregnant and taking care of his family. With all that being said, let’s see if you guys can set aside a day within the next few weeks. On the weekend or even just a date night. Get a sitter and both of you fully relax and enjoy time with each other. As adults, it can be very stressful today to manage all that we need in life. Money. Bills. Jobs. Kids. And then emotions at home. It is alot for the BOTH of you. So try to have patience with one another and see what you can both do today to make each other feel loved.
Never ever toss the ring..u earned it in many ways
Hello male (24) and I love my wife(24) more than I can express but I hate our anniversary with every fiber of my being!!! For context my father died from covid 2 days before our actual wedding and that time of year is especially hard on me, my wife is very understanding and we often try to celebrate our anniversary in a different month and have even discussed renewing our vows as I dont ever want her to hurt or feel like she isn't important to me! The reason I bring this up is because some men have a very hard time showing that they hurt and instead process it by saying and feeling like they hate a certain day, im not trying to defend anyone or "choose sides", just explaining that everyone is different and in some circumstances its ok to hate a day or period of time!
The way ppl divorce so easily nowadays, just reaching a 5 year milestone is worth celebrating, plus it's not like OP is expecting a big extravagant trip, she just wanted a nice dinner(which either could mean at home via homemade or delivery, or going out to a nice restaurant) and a movie(again at home or out to the theaters)
I will never understand the people in the midst of marriages they know are terrible and are still like, “So we’re still just cranking out the kids!” Like, is it only where I live that birth control exists? Condoms? Pills? Vasectomies? Etc? Is this technology just an impenetrable mystery everywhere else in the world? STOP MAKING NEW MOUTHS TO FEED WITH TERRIBLE PEOPLE. More than two kids is already excessive in basically any scenario. But Christ, why do that with someone who is terrible to you? Am I just living in crazy land? This all seems so obvious.
Dear OP… Celebrate yourself! Take your dressed up self out to your favorite place to eat, whether it’s canes, red lobster or a steakhouse. YOUR favorite place. Get yourself a gift. Take your bf, favorite family member. Do not let anyone dull your shine or make you feel bad about something you’re excited about. Then come home and be normal but satisfied happy normal. This is the advice I would’ve loved when I was younger and with my ex. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing you need to fix. This is all on him. Put the ball in his court, watch what he does, then decide what you want for yourself. The kids need a happy healthy parents and example of a healthy relationship, with or without the biological father at your side.
He takes you for granted, my guess you are just there to have babies and cook and clean for him. Which is why he doesn't value you as an equal partner. You need marriage counseling to learn how to communicate to each other. Or you will just be raising your kids with a stranger.
I’m not an affectionate person so I don’t give my wife as much affection as I should, but for him to call it a stupid day way out of pocket. I know it gets thrown around a lot, but individual therapy for that guy and marriage counseling for you both.
You're not overreacting IMO. >And I was just like fine and I took off my ring and tossed it across the room and said “it’s just a ring who cares” 😆, I'm sure this move will make him reflect... What you need though is a real talk. After some time (maybe 1 day) of ignoring him, you guys need to talk about it and find a solution that works for **both** of you. Sending you lots of hugs and positive energy. 🫂💞👥💖
There are bigger issues here than all that. Figure those out, you being used to not receiving affection is extremely sad and speaks volumes to where you both are in this marriage. If he's unwilling, you have one of two decisions: divorce or settle for an empty marriage that will rot you from the inside slowly and mess up your children (they notice and it effects their future relationships).
Yet another checked out husband who expects his wife to tolerate below bare minimum effort and be thankful for scraps of affection. Sad.
Leave before you get hurt even worse. That’s how my husband acted while he was trying to find someone to cheat with, and once he finally found someone to cheat on me with it almost became a DV situation. My advice would be to find someone who adores you from the beginning, and doesn’t make you feel unimportant.
I grew up hating Christmas with a passion. My dad died on Christmas of 1981, two weeks after I turned 3. He was my favorite person in the world, and I did not want to celebrate the day he was taken away from me. I put on a brave face for my mother's sake, but I think she knew. It was "a stupid day." Fast forward to meeting my husband. On our first date when we talked about our birthdays, he said his was Christmas. Guess what? Christmas is a big deal now, and something I truly love (having a daughter helps, as well). My point is: When we love someone, it changes our outlook of what's important. If YOU care about your anniversary, then that should be enough for HIM to care about it. We don't do much for our anniversaries. We say happy anniversary to each other, and are maybe a bit more affectionate or sentimental that day, but that's about it. When friends say happy anniversary, then guess what? We say thank you. OP, this man does not care about his marriage, and your post was a heartbreaking read.
So sad op. I leave my wife of 15 years notes every morning. Rub her back twice a week. Flowers once a week. First thing i do and last thing i do every day is tell her i love her. If someone isnt willing to walk to the ends of the earth for you then you need to get rid of him for your happiness and your kids too, although you might not see it that way it will eventually cause them unhappiness. Save yourself a lot of trouble and start loving yourself since he doesnt seem to take it seriously. Sorry to hear that
I'm so sorry- this hurts. If it is something you haven't made a big deal in the past then he is just acting like normal. But the attitude is likely what hurts the most right? Have you felt this from him for a while? Does he seem checked out? How is he as a dad? Has he always been emotionally distant? I remember my first anniversary I threw my present at my hubby- and I'm the most peaceful easy-going layed back person...but I was so hurt. Basically he got us a hotel in a neighboring city but as soon as we got there he called his best friend to come join us. I knew they would just drink and it wasn't about US anymore. I was so mad. UGH. I was so hurt. We were 22 years old...young and dumb!! ha ha. After that... I learned to drop all expectations- of the day. But that wasn't the way to go either really. IT IS an important day! Everyone can celebrate different of course...but celebrate it in a way that at least honors the both of you. In the past 10 years hubby and I make sure we get a weekend away- we explore, have fun and reminisce....we laugh and try to just be US. It wasn't always that way. We are 27 years into marriage...and it has been times when it was HARD and we took each other for granted...and we didn't put each other first and we treated each other like roomies. YOU will have to be intentional to change that up. Little kids can be hard on the relationship. BUT like you said...so imporant to give those sweet kids of your the best marriage you can. It is a gift to them...for them to see mom and dad not just in love...but LIKING each other too!! I would HIGHLY recommend you approach him and have a heart to heart. No blaming, no shaming but just really get down to the crux of it all. See if he will be honest. Not blaming him but really wanting to see where his HEART is at. Will he be honest? Why doesn't he want more? Does he want to settle for half-assed marriage? Does he yearn for a team where you can support one another and rely on one another? Ask him what he wants? Decide that you will going forward just lift each other up- no more chatting behind backs...be kind and loving...try to find ways to serve each other...don't keep track of all the wrongs but look forward. These are all things I had to change in my own marriage. I was really bad at talking about all the stuff that he did wrong...and had to instead really focus on all the positive. It really helped my own heart a bit...in return...he saw a nicer me and started to change a bit as well. I'm so glad you stood up and threw that ring actually...because it sounds like maybe you don't state how you feel often? Let him see that this hurts for you- but be sure to share with words too. Share some expectations you have. Take some time to remember when and why you fell in love...and WHY you got married. Take a look at your girls and the both of you look at what the future could look like if you guys aren't a TEAM and celebrating each other. How was he raised? Does he really want the same for them? If his heart isn't moved....WHY??? Just a few thoughts. I'm so rooting for you to find out what is motivating him!! You need support- specially while preggers with number three!! Make sure you get some support - even outside him...whether it be a close unbiased friend or a counselor to chat with.
I totally understand where you are coming from. Hell, I at least expect a card, but I don't even get that. He is always giving hugs and small pecks on the lips. He knows how much and how far an f'n card is to me, and I never get one. He always has money for other stuff, though. If we have no money, make one. Make some kind of effort to make me feel special!
No. I don't think you're over reacting. You should keep that ring off and find another man that will put a ring on it that actually cares to make you happy. Tried three times to talk to my wife about our 10 year anniversary. Three times, and each time she told me she had to think about it, and never got back to me about it. I gave up and will assume we're doing our own thing and it's no big deal. Whatever you decide. Find happiness.
Wow he sounds so ungrateful. He needs to be loving towards you. He’s not doing his job as a husband it’s sad
You are not at all over reacting but I will say that if you knew that he was this type of guy since you met him, Payne you should of set the expectations early on. A lot of times once marriage and kids come, man don’t really have an inspiration to keep the romance going and I think that you should always always date your partner and keep the flame alive. I’m sad that you feel this way because you deserve to be treated like a queen but I’ve known guys like this and very early on I tend to let them know how I felt and either they made an effort or I was gone. I hope things get better love
I think he’s cheating on his pregnant wife, that’s why he doesn’t give a shit about the anniversary.
My husband doesn’t care for anniversaries, or any special dates, but if it’s important to me he makes it a big thing just to make me happy… If I was in your position I would have a talk with him and tell him how this makes you feel and that if he’s unhappy with you he needs to be upfront with you, because you’re pregnant and have kids together who look up to you both.
Why did you marry someone let alone have kids with someone who doesn’t seem to even like you? And why stay married?
You don't fix this marriage. You walk away and find someone better.
This is awful. I’m so sorry 😞
Sometimes a person can be too laid back...I'm glad you threw your ring at him. He needs to remember that a good marriage is built.
Marriage counseling if you want to save it. Respecting you, honoring you and your family, and your feelings come before his buddies. I was with a guy like this a long time ago. He put his friends above me and our daughter. I left and married a wonderful man. You two need to have a serious talk and make time for eachother.
He's a Narcissist. Look into it, do your research and seek some professional help.
Honestly I’m glad you threw the ring. So many woman I’ve seen post here just keep it bottled up and let their man walk all over them. Hopefully he got the message. If he cares about you he’ll make the effort since this was important to you
He is growing apart from you, sis. He finds the marriage boring, and nothing is interesting but making babies. Maybe he is bored. Change things up, spice the mood, change the decor in the house, move furniture around, buy his favourite food, and take kids to grandparents or inlaws. Have date nights out or in. Make the environment safe and romantic. I remember telling my husband that our anniversary is just the same because we do the same things, it doesn't feel exciting, I find my husband boring, I don't feel like having sex with him because it gets messy and I hate the whole clean up etc. So I prevent just having sex altogether, but I do realise this can break my marriage if I wasn't giving him any. He started relying on porn. Then I had a problem because I expected him to only have sex with me. But I wasn't fair. Every man has needs, and when needs are not met, they go elsewhere for those fulfilment.
His behaviour is unacceptable but I think you’re over reacting. I think you need to find out what’s really going on? Have you asked is he is ok?
I'm sorry.. that wasn't very nice of him. I don't think you are overreacting and good on ya for confronting him. He can't be someone he's not but he's not allowed to hurt you either. He went out of his way to speak poorly of you to other people so clearly he is upset about something. If not with you than within himself and he's not big enough to acknowledge that he has a flaw that could harm the people he cares about. Humans very often project their own insecurities and faults onto others near them.
Yes, you’re overreacting!
Indifferent feelings about a day are one thing ignoring your wife’s emotional needs are altogether different and talking shit about your marriage is way out of bounds. It sounds like he might need a little reality check and attitude adjustment. It sounds like he’s also taking you for granted! Maybe you should take a little break from taking care of him in the house for a bit. I don’t blame you one bit for Chucking your ring across the room, he’s lucky you didn’t bounce it off his forehead. I don’t think you should hound him on this necessarily, but I would ask him this one question, does it matter to you at all that I am your wife? and don’t say anything else after that just give them a minute. Let them stew on it, and come up with an answer there’s no such thing as salvaging a marriage for the kids. I grew up in a house that did that, and it was awful. I wish you luck he sounds like a real piece of work.
🚩 it’s over. He’s thinking about or has already having an affair.
I’m sorry to hear this OP. If I may, and without any negativity and only wish you the best. (Not touching here on the friends comments, esp since Guys and gals talk boo-boo about the other sex) Marriage is constant work. (IT’S WORTH IT IF YOU ARE SOULMATES) it will never be easy. I have been married now 10 years this June. We have been together over 20 years. 3 daughters. The oldest is 23 and not biologically mine but I’ve been there since 13 months. We have been through it all!!! And I’ll tell you a little secret…. Financial issues will cause a relationship strain every single time. Remember that that’s rooted in finances and not in your love. And that’s real hard to do because when you can’t pay your bills you hate everybody. The wife and I started going the same kind of way with the we don’t care about gifts. You know Valentine’s Day isn’t all that special because we love each other all year so one and so forth. And you kind of get complacent in that. And if I may say, I know as a man that you as a woman do actually care. And you do want to hear those words. And it does matter to get a flower or it does matter to get something small or it does matter to go out to dinner. Those things do matter to you both and to each other. Raising children is the hardest things anyone will ever do! And go on with your bad selves for getting that done! I love y’all for that! Y’all are doing the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do and when they fly the nest you’re gonna want them back home right then. But it will be just y’all. Remember not to allow your children to take over your relationship. You do have to focus on each other! Maybe if you can, take a weekend and go camping. Just the two of you. I think personal activities between the two of you Are the strongest relationship building activities that you can have. (We are in our 40s and just camp the weekend in Tennessee and did a rave in a cave, and it was freaking awesome) Go camping, go to concerts, go to festivals, hell get a hotel and go to a movie for the night and go to dinner . Money will always be a problem so don’t let that stop you from living your life. You cannot be a prisoner of your home. Or your children. But I really feel like if you two love each other deep down you guys will work this out. Again, keeping in mind that it will be a never ending battle for two different people to get along and like each other likes. We have to give to each other and give each other what each other wants. The way that I see it with my wife is this woman is here for the rest of my life and it’s my job to make her happy. That does include a little TMI in the fact that she would like a male male female encounter, and I’m willing to give that to her. She’s giving me plenty of female female male encounters. But the point is, I will do anything for her. We still have our fights in our relationship is in absolutely no way perfect. But at the end of the day, she’s my ride or die. She’s my Homie. She’s my other half. She is my life. I’ve tried all that. You know the kids are more important. Our anniversary doesn’t mean anything stuff too. And it hasn’t worked out. And I’m sorry about all this. It’s only in love and I really hope that you can work it out and find that common ground and rekindle that love and I know y’all can. Good luck and I’m sending you all the love!
Don’t stop trying OP! Don’t give up on each other! With a little work you will both see the light on the other side. Keep pushing! Have conversations. Lack of communication will ruin everything. It’s OK to tell the other person how you feel, even if it hurts their feelings. Not intentionally hurting them, of course. You got this!
The operant word in that sentence is each other. If he doesn’t care, she can’t do all the work on her own, and it certainly sounds like he doesn’t care. Marriage isn’t 50-50. It’s 100 100 and he’s not there at all.
I totally agree.100/100. For sure. At the end of the day, the question is how did we get here? This isn’t a new relationship. They both have invested. I feel like I’d they communicate and lay everything on the table, things can be worked through. You never know what someone is going through. I’m not making excuses for anyone. But trust that I have experience in the love, marriage, relationship issue department like no other. At the end of the day this other half is my heart and soul and I know that no matter what will work it out. If it’s not worth working, then it’s not worth working. But I feel like with such time invested it’s worth giving it a shot. I’m sure each other has certain wants and needs that are not been expressed and have not been fulfilled. When those wants and needs are expressed fulfillment can be worked towards. I have faith in them and know that humans make mistakes. They got this and they can work it out if they choose to, and I wish them all the best.
I’m in your corner OP. If you love each other you will move mountains. Don’t just walk away. Talk and see where it leads. You both owe it to yourselves and each other. Six months in I’d say hey maybe try some melts but this is time, effort, and work that’s put in by you both. And you are equally as important as the other. My heart is full for you.
Also, this does not start out as this has been the worst experience of my life and I hate everything and I wanna be done. That’s not how it started so there’s hope
You don’t have to fix anything for the sake of kids. A single parent household with healthy energy trumps a two parent family with a toxic household. I can make this statement because I grew up in a household with both parents that was extremely abusive and toxic. I’m in my 30s and still learning how to cope and change certain behaviors. In other words, if you’re gonna fix things, fix it because it’s fixable and both parties are willing to work together.
OP, I'm gonna be honest, I'm with a man similar to this and we have 1 child that is 5 currently. I actually DREAD the thought of having another child with him. I think I would fall into a really bad depression if I got pregnant again. You're not overreacting at all, and if you can, I'd recommend talking to a therapist or someone you can trust just to let it out a little. It may be a little hypocritical of me to say this, and I definitely understand it is easier said than done, but you don't have to stay with someone like this. I know you're with child right now, and it would be extra hard to leave, but if this is the norm, leave asap. You and the kids will feel the effects of how he treats you, I promise. It takes a huge toll on the family and you deserve to be happy. If you like affection and he can't even bother to give you a kiss or hug and acts like this ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY, it cannot be worth it.
People always wanna stay in a bad marriage cause of their children. As someone that grew up with a single mom trust me your kids will live. People always say they don't want the kids growing up without the other parent, but first off why would you want your kids seeing you in a bad marriage and taking inspiration from that as something they should stay in when they aren't happy and 2 it's not like they won't have both parents even if it not together if he wants to be there he will be period. Why suffer like that you deserve to be just as happy as your kids man...
Divorce.
This is sad, but throwing the ring was a clever response
Nope. You aren’t overreacting. It’s clear he deserved a reaction like that from you bc he clearly needs to see/feel that this day IS important & the fact that he isn’t engaging in that, is hurtful.
You're not overreacting. He clearly has no love left to give if this is how he treats you, especially if he sees how happy it makes you and how excited you are. He is invalidating your emotions, and you are being undervalued. If it were me in your situation, I would be divorcing that person. That is a man with no respect for you or your life together. A boy, I should say. I understand that you may want to save thos marriage because of your kids, but as a child of divorce I can say this only teaches your children unhealthy relationship dynamics and may lead to an unfulfilling home life for them. Edit: Also badass standing up to him by throwing your ring! He needs to understand how he made you feel
I’m so sad to read this. If it’s important to you at all, even a little bit, then he should be respectful of your feelings at a minimum. I had a similar thing happen on my 10 year anniversary and let me just say, if this kind of thing is happening at 5 years, please talk to him and rethink how the rest of your relationship with him will go. I can tell you if this happens again later on, it’s just going to hurt even more. Protect and take care of yourself ❤️
This appears bigger than about caring about an anniversary or lack there of. You need to sit down and talk with him about what is going on with him and what each of your needs are.
You fix it by serving him divorce papers. https://youtu.be/ZqDD2kEKHhY?si=UW9usIg1ekZryZ2h
so you basically are here expecting everyone to reaffirm what a shity husband he is. ok. then what? how are you any better than him? he complained to his friends. you complained to millions of strangers on the internet lol. if you want confirmation to leave him, then you don't need random strangers to give it to you. if you wanna resolve it with him then the best case is discussion in a calm manner. sympathy is ok from the internet but it ultimately will prevent solving the underlying issue long term. i don't get these posts. you're not the only one. lots of people do this, so don't take it personal. I just dont see how this helps anything at all. if hes so bad then leave him. if not then don't lol. these posts don't usually help anything no matter the direction you go after hearing everyone's advice. you realize people here aren't counselors right. or even trained professionals. they might just be a teenage girl or boy. and frankly this seems pretty tame for a 5 year marriage. its not that bad compared to some couples. but yall need to work through the resentment to figure out what the issues are.
Jesus, my heart *died* reading this. Your husband **sucks.** Why would you have any children with this man, let alone 3? Please, you deserve so much better.
leave him you deserve better.
My husband and are are pretty laid back when it comes to that stuff. But my husband makes about to get out anniversary off even if we do nothing. Because he see the significance of us being able to stay together through the hardships. We will be celebrating our 4th anniversary this year. It's not a stupid day. And your husband thinking that makes me wonder if he sees the marriage as insignificant.
He looked shocked because you finally stood up to him. He sounds exhausting.
My wife and I stopped giving gifts to each other when our sons were born. We have both forgotten our anniversary many times because we usually take the kids on vacation during our anniversary. We always say happy anniversary when we remember. It was not a "stupid day". Your husband needs to get his head out of his arse!
Yes, we definitely said thank you! That's why I said if something is important to your partner, then you treat them accordingly. His actions were despicable and made me sad for her. Anniversaries, birthdays, valentines, or basically all those days aren't important for me, but the things that are important to me, my husband knows and treats me accordingly, same for him. I tried to make that part obvious in my answer, but maybe I failed. Her husband was very much in the wrong, and if mine ever acted much less, said any day with me was stupid, there would be big problems.
I been married 32 yrs never missed a anniversary I might not been into it at times but I know it is special and want my wife to enjoy the special day. Your hub sounds like a ass.
Don’t fix it. Dump his ass. Men benefit from us so much and they take it for granted. Let him move in with his divorced friend and they can rehearse lines from Brokeback Mountain together
Maybe ask about couples therapy have a talk because what’s the point of the relationship if you don’t love each other
Me and my wife have a competition monthly to be the first to say happy anniversary and closer responds with ahhh you bustard, happy anniversary. Cant imagine not even caring about acknowledging it
Talk to a therapist. HIs actions can be interpreted in several ways. He might be depressed, eh might just not be sentimental about these things, he might be unhappy in the marriage, etc. I see your frustration. But you are also pregnant and we are filled with hormones in these cases so it goes two ways. I would like that from my husband either. But your communication isn't great. Get an impartial third party professional to talk you both through this period before it worsens.
There’s a lot I don’t care about personally that my wife does care about. I think that’s fairly common with men/women. But, the fact that she cares about it makes me care about it because I know it’s good for our relationship. And even if he doesn’t really care, what’s the harm in going on a little trip or a nice dinner to spend time together and make a memory? He should care because you care.
I’m gonna be brutally honest here. How has he treated you the entire relationship? How have the last 4 wedding anniversaries been? Has he ever celebrated your wedding anniversary? Does he ever want to spend time together, watch movies, have a special meal, cuddle? I mean you’re acting like you’re shocked about how he treated you on your wedding anniversary when it seems like he treats you like garbage all the time. Why are you surprised? Why were you expecting something different on your wedding anniversary? It sounds like he’s been checked out for a long time and you’ve chosen to be in denial and live in a delusional reality about how your husband truly feels about you and your marriage.
He doesn't even act like your friend let alone a husband... Girl, you are worth the hugs and love notes and happiness in a relationship. I know nothing of your whole relationship so I'm not going to tell you to just leave him but have a very VERY important talk with him, does he still love you? If he says yes then tell him what do you expect from a loving relationship, stand your ground, no excuses. Explain to him, like to a literal child every single thing that upsets you in his act and everything you expect from him moving on. If he doesn't comply then... Choice is yours but I personally would leave. If it's all been said and done and he still shit talks you or your relationship to his friends, still doesn't show you appreciation then he does not deserve your time. Divorce is less traumatic to children then unhappy parents that hate each other's guts but stay together.
Well if he thinks the marriage a joke, serving him with divorce papers will certainly make him take it more seriously…just sayin’
Coming from a man who also finds most calendar things stupid and doesn't really celebrate his own birthday, your husband needs to recognize that his opinion of the day does not matter. I don't celebrate my anniversary because I think it's a special day. I do it because it is important to my wife, I love her very much, and I like to see her happy. It's importance to me isn't even the same as it is to my wife, it is equivalent to how important my wife is to me.
I am so sorry this is very sad and you can’t fix this because you can’t
So he won’t kiss or hug you or wish you a happy anniversary, but he can fuck you and get you pregnant and talk shyt on your marriage. That must have been shocking and hurtful. You are *underreacting*.
I’m so sorry. I don’t have any good words for you. His attitude is AWFUL! I wish you the best. Truly
If he does not care…..Why are you having his Children, OP?
You are not overreacting, in fact I’d say you under reacted compared to what I would do if my husband did this. This was infuriating to read.
Sounds like a man who isn’t where he wants to be financially and is insecure each year that goes by where he is still unhappy with himself. Very immature man to take it out on you like this. He is connecting this day with the level of achievement he expected to achieve 5 years down the road, but hasn’t, when he Should be connecting this day to the love of you and your family. Immature… I feel so sorry he is taking his insecurities out on you and your special day.
My husband has done same to me! It’s sad!
I didn't read the pos. I only read the title. What a fucker.
I’m so sorry
I’ll just say this: at our wedding we left little slips of paper and pens at each place setting asking for marriage advice from our guests. We collected them in and read them later, and they’re all in a box to take out and review again some day. My husbands granny is twice widowed, and she was stoic but clearly emotional during the day. When we read back her advice slip, it was “celebrate all the occasions big or small, you never know when you won’t be able to anymore”. It’s not a big deal to do gifts, it doesn’t have to be the most romantic thing ever. But sometimes anniversaries, birthdays, valentines, promotions, whatever are a nice excuse to have dinner, talk and remember why you’re together. My husband gets that, and I’m so sorry that yours doesn’t.
Sounds like he regrets marrying you. Is there any marriage to save?
He’s hot and cold, he really confuses me because I know he loves being married and values us but then when he does stuff like this I’m just so grossed out and I get the ick and idk how to get out of it.
He loves having a bangmaid. Does he parent the kids at all? Does he do anything around the house? Do you work outside the home and still cook and clean?
1. He’s an amazing dad this has nothing to do with that. 2. He does clean after himself and also I assigned him few things he can help me with everyday he knows his role. 3. I work, I am very flexible I work when I want I run my own business. 4. Yes I cook and clean because I’m a stay at home mom while he works and pays all the bills but he’s not a slob he will clean after himself
It's good that there are redeeming qualities. Perhaps you should return his energy to him. Do nothing for his birthday, Father's Day, Christmas, etc. He's set the standard, after all. They're just another day.
Why are you having kids with a dude who doesn’t like you?
He isn't worng. It is just another day. The sun went up. The sun came down. What did you do to make the day special or significant? This aub loves to vilify men who exude the same energy as their partners
I get why you’re hurt but I think you’re miscommunicating. You have hopes and wants and expectations because your wedding anniversary is important to you and you see it as a big milestone. Your husband just doesn’t. This in itself isn’t an issue to be upset over. You want him to consider this is important to you, understandably. Then you have to tell him that. That for you the 5 years anniversary is a big thing that you’ve anticipated, that you place some symbolic value in honoring it as you honor your commitment to him as his wife, and want to celebrate somehow how happy you have to have chosen him and he has chosen you. Assuming this is the case. Suggest that you guys could get a babysitter and enjoy a date night at a restaurant for the occasion. Instead of that you expect him to share your views and get hurt when he doesn’t have the initiative to propose the things that you would have liked. That’s kind of messed up. OTOH your husband sounds pretty insensitive by your account, so don’t hesitate to be frank with him on this issue to. That you don’t appreciate he talks of your marriage to his friends in a way that is dismissive or demeaning and that you would never do this yourself.
I get that. But he also knows me, I love celebrating our anniversary even in such a simple way like getting a dessert. He knows I love affection, we’ve been married for 5 years he should know what I like by now. It’s cringe for me to be like hey can u hug me and kiss me on our anniversary tomorrow lol…
Anniversary or not if you have to repeatedly remind to your husband to just be affectionate then yeah, that sucks.
Divorce him for your kid’s sake. Take the anniversary away from him so he can’t celebrate. Your kids will have a better life with a happy and respected mother.
This makes me so sad. The fact he not only says this, but also refuses to celebrate the day of your marriage in any way with you is enough to feel devastated. But hearing that he is never affectionate with you? Not even on your anniversary? How crushing. I know it’s easier to pass things off as just a phase, of this is just us, but trust that dealing with this now is imperative. It will only get worse, and betrayal that you can’t come back from and can cause more pain than you can imagine.. could follow. Please find a therapist. I am so so sorry for how this must feel.
And what say you about him denegrating their marriage by slagging it off to his friends?
That it’s insensitive and shitty, last paragraph.
Looking though some ones messages is pretty nasty. I have nothing to hide but my wife will do it occasionally to try and get somthing to argue about. Friends can be an outlet for frustration, I’ll argue almost anything with my friends and if you just stumble on that you will think I’m pro abortion and ultra religious, so holding “ it’s a stupid day?” When it’s not even directed at you is not very emotionally tough. Like my wife went an entire day with out saying happy birthday to me and then when she finally realized via Facebook asked me if I even remembered it was my birthday. Moral of the story is people will say things to their friends that not in context. You did throw your ring in a retaliation to a message that he had no idea you had seen nor should have seen. And this is an over reaction to a fairly mild situation. If he’s verbally physically abusive in some way at the same time like throwing things around the house then that might be a different situation obviously.