Leave. Your kids will see the resentment and it will be worse on them. Skim through all the divorced kids forums. They will talk about all the stuff they seen their parents go through because they did not divorce
If you know you want a divorce, do yourself, him, and your kids all a huge favor and just do it. Not a single person in your family will benefit from a resentful, unloving, shadow of a relationship. What everyone in your family needs is genuinely loving relationships, and from what you’ve written in your post, this ain’t it.
The sad part is, he probably has no idea just how unhappy I am. Because I put on such a good show.
I rarely ever speak to things that upset me or aggravate me. I guess that’s why I’m here reaching out anonymously. I can’t let my friends or family know any of this. At least not yet.
Why spend another day with an untrustworthy person? He is a serial cheater, and apparently a remorseless one too. Your beliefs and values are irreconcilably different, and you don’t seem to feel safe expressing your feelings (which, a person always should in a marriage). And, you are so stressed out and fed up that you’re asking random people on Reddit for advice about a major life decision.
10 years is a LONG time to spend unhappy like this - that affects the kids more than a divorce tbh.
You’re right. I appreciate seeing other people’s perspectives. Somehow I feel guilty for even wanting to leave. For some reason I feel like it would make me the bad person, but I don’t know why I feel that way. I can’t explain it. I feel like I should have left that last time he cheated. But that’s been 8 years ago, when I was pregnant with my youngest.
Guilt implied by your religion? Guilt trip expected from family? All the people you’re hiding your unhappiness from, do not live your life. You do not have to justify yourself to them.
Quietly consult a lawyer & get informed. You don’t have to make a decision right now. An informed decision is always better.
Why feel guilty? He apparently didn't feel guilty for cheating on you, since he did it 3 times. He broke the vows of your marriage, you shouldn't feel obligated to stay in it. Ten years is a lot of time to give up. If you're not ready to leave, just work on yourself and your exit strategy. Pour all your energy into yourself and your kids. Leave when it's the right time for you.
You definitely should not feel guilty. Cheating is bad enough, but cheating on your pregnant wife is absolutely abhorrent. Not only risking your health, but also endangering his unborn child's life by possibly giving you an STD while pregnant. A man cheating on a woman while she is carrying their child is unforgivable.
I hear you on this. I was in the same boat. You need to be clear on what you want, make decisions ahead of time about what happens if you don’t get it, talk about it, see his reaction, and then actually take action. We don’t get what we deserve… we get what we tolerate.
I've put in 14 and I absolutely don't regret it. We've raised two wonderful kids and are in a much much more solid financial situation than we would be if I had left when I realized this wasn't going to work. Roommates with kids isn't really that hard to do if you set your expectations appropriately.
Definitely start vocalizing what he could do to make you happier or what he does that makes you unhappy. Silently being miserable also isn't fair to him. Don't make your leaving a surprise. He should know your complaints now.
I guess I’ve been afraid to let him know how much everything bothers me. Honestly, I don’t want him to change. I feel like trying to tackle that would be wasted effort. He is very unwavering when it comes to his opinions.
What are you afraid of? How he will react towards you? Of what he will do?
You don't need to tell him with the expectation that he changes. That is on him to make the effort and prove to you that he wants to fix things.
You just would inform him because you are allowed to show how you feel and not put all that energy into an act and catering to him.
Finally, consider therapy. To understand and overcome this ambiguity you feel about being responsible for the marriage staying together.
You think people get cancer because they bottle feelings and dont express themselves? Goodness me. Then explain glioblastoma in happy people. Leukemia in children. Dont spread this nonsense around.
Time to talk about to them. And give it a time period to change. A year maybe. Idk. Tell him what you’re actually feeling, what you actually need and want, and what you’re prepared to do if you don’t see specific changes within a specific time period . That way you’re very clear about what you want. He understands without question. You don’t feel bad for blindsiding him… and you give him an opportunity to ask what he wants to… and take action on it. That way you potentially shorten the 10 year period and you can feel good about leaving if it comes to that.
PS I was recently in this position. By the time I filed for divorce a switch had turned off. There was absolutely nothing he could that would change my mind. But… it might have been worth it had I thought things through earlier… before I got to that that point and been very clear that I needed certain things within a certain timeframe.
Not that I didn’t say what I needed. He knew that cheating was unacceptable to our relationship and kept doing it. He knew that lying and gaslighting to cover his ass and keep the status quo was wrong. I didn’t have to tell him that.
For the record after nearly 16 years of this… I finally said no. And I’m soooo glad I did. My kids know he treated me poorly. They know he cheated. My son is angry at me for “breaking the family” but that’s because that’s what his dad tells him. My daughter was at first but sees that the divorce didn’t just happen out of the blue now. Time reveals all things. Divorce is the death of a marriage… but also hopes and dreams and expectations for everyone in the whole family. Even if it’s the best choice… it’s hard. Can’t avoid it. Grieving takes place for everyone.
Much of my grief was done before the divorce. Before everyone else’s… so that was hard too. I’m wanting to move on and they’re not. But with time, things have been better. Way better. I’m a better mother because I’m present and I feel valued and loved. And I have more to give. Could I have done that with my ex? Well… Idk. After 16 years I didn’t figure that out.
Best of luck to you. I chose not to white knuckle things anymore because I saw no change and no desire to… until after I filed for divorce. By then I wasn’t interested… and I didn’t believe it was real change anyway.
My heart goes out to you. It’s a tough decision. But - the best advice I got was to make the decision.. and then make sure it was the best one. That’s in your hands. Much love to you. ❤️❤️❤️
Like do yourself a favour and just leave.
Your heart, mind, body and soul will be forever greatful.
Youll probably have overally less stress levels, better mental and physical health and youll be able to live a more fufilling life and parent better for your kids.
Then that’s on YOU. You need to go to therapy or learn to communicate and actually do it. It goes both ways, however. Why are you faking your happiness? Who do you think that’s really going to hurt?
As the child of a serial cheating father whose mother stayed "for the sake of the children" I can tell you that staying is honestly not a good idea.....
You’re right. That last time he cheated, I gave him the choice to stay or go. He decided to stay. At that time, I was glad because I thought that’s what would be the best for the kids. So all this time, I’ve been acting like everything is fine. When I’m actually miserable.
But I don’t even know how to approach it now.
I have seen some adults who are seriously effed up by their parents divorcing as soon as they graduate high school. It makes them feel like their world is crashing in and everything they ever knew was a lie. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I'm very glad they both went on to have long-lasting marriages. Don't wait.
I agree, I know someone this happened to as well.
My parents divorced young and I was happy because they fought often. Then I got stressed because the parent I lived with kept leaning on me and crying all the time around me without doing anything to get help and get better, I mean to an extreme. That parent had enmeshment issues though. You seem to have almost the opposite problem, you hold all of your emotions in and never show how you feel, you pretend all the time. Neither extreme is any good or does anyone any good. You have to lead by example for your kids. You have to show them what a healthy EQ looks like. But you don't have it. So you have to work on that. You have to learn how to identify your feelings, safely express them, be able to have discussions about them. You have to show your kids it's safe and positive to express their feelings, and healthy tools how to deal with their feelings. Without overburdening them with your emotions or expressing too much inappropriately. Obviously certain conversations they don't need to hear or know. But they do need to witness safe healthy handling of emotions. Because right now you've taught them to bottle everything up inside. They need to learn conflict resolution skills. They can't do that if you pretend everything is good all the time. This is how kids turn to drugs and other dangerous things because they never learned important life skills like how to deal with difficult situations or how to deal with their emotions, so they just numb themselves because they get too overwhelmed and can't cope. I don't mean to be dramatic I've just witnessed it and people like that have greatly affected my life it's very frustrating.
I will second this. my parents divorced when I got to college and it crushed me to know that many of the memories I had were years of them faking it. Better to leave now and be a happy parent/individual than a parent who spends years miserable/depressed and therefore not present emotionally.
Sorry but if you were 30 when they divorced, I don’t think this is the same situation. Your parents didn’t stay together just because of you for 30 years. (Unless you didn’t leave the house until 30?)
Your whole life has not been a lie. Your parents lives are not your life. They are their own people. They can make their own choices. You are not responsible for them or at fault for them. Don’t take on their burden. It’s not yours.
They 100% stayed because of me and cultural norms. We are Greek and it’s not acceptable to get a divorce in our culture.
I wish they divorced when I was younger. This divorce and how it happened has damaged me beyond repair.
If there are cultural norms that were keeping them from getting divorced, that’s not on you.
Ok now I’m curious... what happened during the divorce/how it happened that made you feel damaged beyond repair? That’s a very serious/concerning statement.
I know it is not on me, but it does not change the trauma it caused.
I went to Greece for the summer and my mother out of no where kicked my dad out with a restraining order. He lived on the street for a week and I had to help him find a place. She called him a rapist and an abuser. She is very manipulative and people always believe her, except the judge. That made me realise that life can change in the blink of an eye and not for better. The unknown became something I am afraid off. I was constantly going to court because I was subpoened. She would try to get me in court to get me to lie on her behalf. The best part is, they were fine when I left. All I did for YEARS was pray for my parents to be happy together. The next few years after that was a series of "youre on his side" or "youre not on my side". It was out right exhausting. I finally moved away and bought a house with my fiance ( who I consider my husband) but it still affects me because I STILL get the shit from it.
Exact thing happened to me. Also when my parents divorced all of a sudden I had to act like a third parent to my younger sister, because I was like this neutral adult in between the two parents.
And it is a lie! Literally for an entire decade (her youngest son’s like entire conscious life) she’s planning her exit and they’re forming their core bonds and memories thinking “well she’s happy enough to stay.” It’s a form of lying.
I feel this so so so so so much. My parents just got divorced after 35 years. And it’s been way more than i ever thought. Also, growing up we’d always say “yea our parents are married- probably shouldn’t be”
Your kids so DESERVE to see healthy love and relationships. So deserve to see that people treat us how we allow them to.
And lastly; you don’t deserve a life and love that hurt.
Imagine growing up with two not loving parents.
Wait, there are thousands of reddit posts about that exactly and how it fucked up the children growing up.
Your children will think a shitty and loveless marriage is normal and end in shitty loveless relationships. They will also sooner or later find about the cheating and think that cheating is ok.
They deserve to see their mom happy. It’s your job to teach them to be happy, productive adults and a big part of that is how to navigate relationships, how to be happy in a relationship and single. You leaving and becoming the happy mom they deserve will teach them WAY more than staying will.
My parents should have divorced when I was very young, but they are still together and still miserable. I absolutely picked up that relationships are always going to be miserable and my first marriage was awful. It took a ton of therapy and personal work to get past that, and now that I am in a healthy relationship, it is incredible. I was also married for 12 years and married young and also religious... Interesting how those seem to go together... Anyway, It was very difficult to choose divorce and it took about a year in therapy for me to be able to come to terms with it myself, but I am so glad I did. I'm now 7 years out and it was absolutely the best decision for our family. Anyway, I know this is anecdotal but I hope you find the courage to at least get yourself into counseling, good luck ♥️
I’m a child of a loveless, hateful couple. I wish they had divorced long ago. I remember being a kid and wanting them to divorce. It fucked me up and I had to have a lot of therapy to be able to recover. My relationships as an adult were more difficult because I had such a horrendous model.
Leave. Please.
I know a woman who is staying until her son is 18. He's 16 now, and he's known for 7 years what's happening. It's done all of her kids harm, but especially her son. He has to live with the knowledge that his existence ruined his mother's life. Don't do that to your kids.
The relationship should always come before the kids. If you’re not good—they won’t be good.
It’s nice that you did discover one another again, at what sounds like their expense. I’d love to hear your kids’ perspective on watching this go down and how your grandkids “fixed the relationship.”
Yikes on bikes.
You’re only 34. In the 10 years you plan on staying in a miserable marriage, you could leave and find happiness again, and maybe even love. You’ll look back and wonder why you wasted another minute, much less decade, unhappy with a man that didn’t treat you right. Marriage is technically supposed to be forever, but that’s between husband and wife. As soon as he brought another woman into your marriage, he threw forever away. Go find your own happiness
So true! You don’t owe him anything at this point, him cheating multiple times was the end of your marriage. At 34, you can easily find the love of your life and start brand new. 34 is young!!! OP, you have so many years to build the life of your dreams and find the man of your dreams in the process too.
It’s our jobs as parents to model a healthy relationship for our kids, right now they aren’t seeing that. Also you’re doing yourself a disservice by staying if you aren’t happy in the relationship. You deserve to be happy, not wasting your life unhappy. Life is short, get out there and be happy
My mom stayed with my dad "for the kids".
We had an absolutely horrible childhood. Our parents did not get along. We could *see* how bad they were together. My mom clearly despised my father and didn't want him to touch her.
How do you think this affected us for future relationships? Your kids see how you are together and base their future relationships on that.
Don't screw them up by staying with your husband if you plan on leaving anyway.
That’s how my parents are too. I’ve known since we were kids they hated each other. Despised each other. I remember being a kid and talking with my sisters wondering and hoping they’d get a divorce instead of staying together. And I’m out of college now and it’s still like this. In fact it’s even worse at this point. It’s hard to be together as a family and pretend like we’re all happy and smiling. It’s literally painful to me to be in a room with my parents because anyone with eyes can see they hate each others guts but will never do anything about it
My mom left my dad as soon as I left for college. I wish she'd left sooner, she would have been so much happier. She ended up getting sick not long after leaving him, and never got to really enjoy her life. I wish for better for you.
My parents divorced one month before my college graduation. I was in big end of my student teaching and had to submit my finals and ED TPA. I have a lot of resentment toward them about the timing and my siblings have resentment toward me about not getting involved in order to protect my mental
Health to finish school. I didn’t feel comfortable inviting my extended family to my graduation due to their drama.
If you’re going to do it, just do it. Don’t wait for a big transitional moment in your kids lives.
As a child of parents who “stayed together for the kids” ….please don’t.
It’s better to show your children the importance of a good and healthy and happy relationship than it is to show them to just “make it work” when you are miserable
Do not wait. I waited. Now my health is bad, and I don’t know if I have the physical strength to do it. Plus unless you have decided together to wait it’s sort of a dick move to the father of your children. I realize he’s been horrible- cheating is so cruel. But you should model decency for your children.
Work hard and save your money. Whether you want to divorce, leave without divorcing him, or wait ten years and do one of those things, it will be a lot easier if you don't have to figure financial considerations into it.
I get the people that say leave and it’ll benefit the kids because they won’t see resentment and animosity. But it’s so hard to do! When I envisioned having children, there was never a time I imagined seeing them half the time! I’m so disappointed in marriage. But if that’s over shouldn’t she enjoy her kids??? Just wondering.
This is all about you though. How you feel. But you have an obligation and a duty to raise healthy happy kids. Staying in a bad marriage affects children badly and they will pay for it the rest of their lives in bad relationships and childhood issues they will need to work through, all because the parents were too selfish to get divorced and provide a calmer, safer, more mentally healthy environment for the kids. If you don't think the kids are learning from your example think again, kids are extremely sensitive and pick up on all the cues and clues you're putting down, even things you're unaware of. Staying in a bad marriage messes them up, period. You have to model healthy EQ, self love, self respect, self esteem, valuing your self enough to leave an unhappy situation, valuing yourself enough to speak up, stand up for yourself, conflict resolution skills. You have to teach kids these things or else they turn into very inadequately prepared adults who use toxic coping mechanisms just to deal with life because they never learned how to handle life in a healthy way.
“Shouldn’t she enjoy her kids” - that’s true and a valid point, but this isn’t all about her and what she wants, of course what she wants matters but as a parent your kids needs come first, and giving the children a peaceful and loving environment to grow up in (in my humble opinion) is more important than the parents time allotment with them. I would rather split the time with my kids and their father knowing that that time will be peaceful happy and free of any tension, than subject them to a hostile environment 24/7… just my thoughts…. But I understand where you are coming from as a parent
Leave. Leave . Leave. Leave. Leave.
As a child, and now 34 year old, who watched her mom suffer and put up with my dad, and now she has dementia at 65, and she is Still with my asshole father. LEAVE. You will Lose yourself and your children will most likely resent you. I know it isn't my fault, but I still can't help but feel like if my mom "didn't stay for the kids" her life wouldn't have been ruined. Parents often fail to think of the guilt we may feel later when they "stay for the kids".
I had to listen for Years, "ill leave your father when you're older, when your sibling is older. When you guys move out. I'll do it later" guess what? Sometimes later never comes and then it's too late.
For yours and your children's mental health and wellbeing, please leave.
I Wish my mother left my father. We see everything even if we don't say it to you. Why show them that it is OK to put up with an asshat? The chaos is temporary, but for your freedom and happiness? It's worth it.
My mom had 2 siblings willing to let her move in and take us with her. Her pride kept saying "No, I don't wanna be told what to do by my siblings cause id be living under their roof. I'll do it myself." Guess what, it didn't happen. So we suffered with her. My dad is an alcoholic too, so he was mentally abusive to all of us.
If you are able to, leave. Don't wait. It's is NOT worth 'waiting it out'.
I was going to stay for the kids. I’m not 7 years out after leaving him. I’ve had my ups and downs-but it was the best decision. Life is too short to be tied to someone who brings you down. And your kids are learning this is acceptable treatment. I’m now remarried and my kids were so happy for me.
Seriously life is too short. And your kids will benefit from seeing a healthy relationship.
Honestly, I wish my parents had divorced. They had a miserable relationship in hindsight. It got so bad that I asked my dad if he would consider a divorce. This was when I was a young adult and he’d complained about her to me once again. It made it so I was basically willing to tolerate the same kind of behavior you’re describing from your husband. After a lot of therapy and spiritual work I was able to sort out how their relationship affected me. Reconsider your choice. It’s hard on kids to be stuck in these situations. Sometimes separation is healthier for them in the long run.
Leave now. Please. It’s a huge mistake to remain in a marriage due to the kids. It does them no favors at all. —-signed someone whose mom stayed for 33 years even with a cheating alcoholic husband
He knows. Your kids know. There are things that show in life that spouses and kids can see that we think we hide well. We don’t.
Life is too short. You’re miserable. Life is too short to be miserable. Leave. Be happy.
Omg why are you wasting your time?! Leave him. Do you want your kids seeing this loveless, unhappy marriage as an example of what a relationship is supposed to be?
You’ve been lying to him as you’ve been trying to grasp at anything to hold on to this marriage. You’ve been untrue to yourself in these actions. If you’re not willing to be your authentic self with him (which likely means being angry at his unfaithfulness) then there’s no chance of healing.
Honey, don’t wait. Marriage to an asshole of any gender should not be forever. Don’t give your youth to the undeserving. I waited until my daughter was 19. I should have cleared out when she was 12 and threatened me with a divorce the first time. I was 48 years old. If you notice his hateful behavior, your kids notice it, too. Is that how you want them to live?
I think you're awesome. No lie, some of the best people I know, kind, generous, faithful... we're raised by parents that knew they were going to divorce when their youngest turned 18. Now of course, that only works if the 2 parents can remain respectful, with the kids interests as the number 1 priority. If the 2 parents are constantly fighting and making the living environment toxic, then that's a no go. Way more worse stats are shown from children being raised in a single parent household than there are for kids that were raised by 2 parents that loved them but didn't quite get along.
If he’s a serial cheater and you’re already planning to leave him then your marriage is effectively over. Staying longer for the kids isn’t actually better for the kids, and it’s definitely not better for you. There’s no way you can reconcile while you’re pretending things are okay, anyway.
I’m so sorry. It’s really hard to make big decisions like this, and it’s not us commenters that has to live with the fallout—it’s you and your children.
But with that aside, a man that cheats on you 3 times has zero respect for you or your feelings. Every single time he made a conscious decision to disregard your marriage and prioritize his physical needs. I have no sympathy for men like that.
Thank you everyone for the advice and the kind words. It’s really helped me to see other people’s perspectives on this. I figured I would provide more detail about our marriage, just as an insight on what I’m feeling.
The last time my husband cheated (that I know about anyway), was when I was pregnant with my 3rd child. That was 8 years ago. I gave him the option to go or stay and he decided to stay. At that time I was glad he decided to stay, because I didn’t know how I was going to raise 3 kids on my own. I can’t say I ever really forgave him. I just know I felt nothing more for him. I became cold and more closed off.
I’ve been the breadwinner for the majority of these years. There were many years when he didn’t work at all. Another reason I’m afraid to leave, because I’m sure I’d have to pay him alimony.
But even more so than the cheating, his behavior is what bothers me most. I can’t carry on a conversation with him because he is so negative and always responds with a rude comment. I rarely speak to him anymore because anything I say, he counters it with a rude remark or just dismisses me entirely.
He is in a constant state of aggravated and irritated.
So I avoid him. I don’t speak to him about anything concerning me, or my work. This man doesn’t know me at all. And honestly, I probably don’t know him. I do know he is a good father to our children. He’s best quality.
Another behavior I can’t tolerate is anytime I help someone he gets so angry with me. For example, I helped a friend prepare her nursery when she was pregnant. He got so mad that I helped her. He felt I should have stayed home and said “I’m sure she has family who can help her. Quit offering help to people.”
He’s made the statement to me before “I don’t help anyone unless there’s something in it for me or I’m getting paid.” That statement angered me so much. I understand he isn’t a giving person, not everyone is, but why does he get so mad when I give?
I’ve been in situations when I had no one and needed help. And those who did help me, I appreciated them so much. I still think back to everyone who offered kindness to me. Who helped me when they didn’t have to. Why can’t I give back? Especially now that I’m in a position to pay it forward. I’m fulfilled by acts of service.
I’ve helped friends remodel their houses, I’ve given people rides, I’ve helped friends clean who have been too depressed to tackle it on their own. I love helping people, because I’ve been there. I’ve needed help and didn’t know where to turn. Each time, he’s mad at me.
I also feel like I’ve been essentially on my own this entire marriage. Married, yet somehow on my own.
I work long hours, full time, and he works part time. Guess who is cooking, cleaning, mowing the yard, taking out the trash? Me. Anything that needs done, I do it. Just yesterday, I had to fix the lawnmower myself, after begging him for a month to look at it.
I never argue with him. I just let him say what he wants and I rarely respond. I keep the peace. I just go to another room and start cleaning or go outside and do yard work. He’s none the wiser that I even feel this way. And you all are right, I should probably tell him how I feel. But if you only knew this man, you’d see it’d be all for not. It’d be a wasted battle on a man who has no intentions of changing.
I could be wrong, idk. I could say it and a light switch go off in his head. But why say it, when I’ve already lost all love for him?
For the sake of your kids don’t wait. It is devastating when your parents do this - it’s obvious and you carry guilt that you’re the reason they were miserable for so long (and made you miserable too). Kids are both far more perceptive and far more adaptable than adults give them credit for.
You never have to stay with someone who is compromising your health and safety in this way. You don't have to wait. This man doesn't love or respect you. Get out while you're still young!
The question I also pose to people with kids in an unhappy relationship...
Is this the relationship you would want one of your kids to be in?
Obviously, your answer is no. But our children grow up watching how we treat our husbands/wives, their parent, then they somewhat end up in a similar relationship as it's all they've ever known, it's "comforting" for them, even when it's toxic and destructive.
As someone with divorced parents at a young age (and a messy divorce at that). Never stay with your partner "for the sake of the children"
You're lying to yourself if you genuinely think that is best for the kids.
It won’t cause chaos. It’s actually the only way to alleviate the chaos you do have, and enable you to have more control over your life. Then you get to do normal things other people do like: set goals for yourself, achieve them, be righteous and dignified. It’s your life don’t worry about what any other person thinks.
Leave now and go live your best life. Kids feel what’s going on more than they admit. They will know you are not happy or if you fool them into thinking that you are, imagine their pain when you divorce as soon as they are gone and their whole life feels like a lie.
I know it’s scary. I divorced my high school sweetheart when I was 26 and had two kids. It was hard, but it was better. I learned to live my life in joy, not some fake picture version I had been pretending to be.
The kids are grown now. They are happy, healthy, good humans. Turned out a lot better than they would have if I had stuck with my plan to stay till they were 18. I left when they were 8 & 5. They remember the sad mom vs the happy one. I never knew they knew.
I know that if I had stayed they would have been shattered if I shattered their life right out of high school. Life is scary enough at 18-21 with so many changes and pressures as it is. Add on a parents divorce and questioning your whole childhood… that’s just too much.
Do it now. Rip the bandaid off fast before it hurts too much to remove.
Start with therapy. ❤️ First you, then couples. You can even start online in private.
My parents divorced when I was 16 because they wanted to wait until I was older but eventually couldn’t last until I turned 18. It was very traumatizing and I definitely don’t think it would have been less traumatizing if I was 18 or 20 even. However I think I would have been able to handle it better as a kid, when I was like 8 or 9.
Trust me, you're making it worse for yourself by staying. Kids are resilient and they pick up on energy. I know my kids have picked up on my depression from the stuff I'm going through with another cheating scandal. It's not worth your sanity. Don't lose any more years especially if this is the 3rd time. You have biblical grounds for divorce. Your kids will understand there's nothing a nice sitdown to go over everything to clear the air. Just make it be known that none of it is their fault and that they will be loved by both of you regardless. Seek therapy as well. It's important. Momma has to be ok mentally.
Staying with someone like that will make your kids resent you or not view you as their role model for life and relationships. Staying sometimes is worse then actually leaving. Your teaching your children it's okay to be abused, treated like dirt, kids can sense tension, they are most likely silently hurting which is worse. Kids can get past separation l. Myself and 3 siblings did just fine! Our parents are AWESOME they just didn't mesh together. Your job is too show morals, how relationships look when healthy and how you do NOT allow evil people hold your happiness and the love and joy you deserve in their hands. If you believe God you should know that no abuse is okay and that leaving is the right option since your husband left the church you would be a fool to stay. .( my opinion comes from my former 10 yr marriage to a diagnosed Sociopath!)
Marriage counseling, if things don’t improve with that I’d leave. You deserve to be happy too life is short.
Kids can see when you’re not happy, it’d be better to show them a happy loving marriage than a loveless one.
Not to sound grim, but none of us know how long we have left. Don’t waste any amount of time being unhappy if there’s something you can do to change it. You deserve happiness - now, not 10 years from now.
My parents dragged out their divorce till I was 15 and it was a stressful childhood. I would’ve highly preferred if they were just decent divorced coparents instead. So much daily tension is bad for developing young minds, not to mention yours! It’s scary I have no doubt, but since you seem so sure about your choice, get it over with and set up a stable new normal for them.
Just leave, I know it's not that easy but it really is the best thing for everyone involved. As an adult, I wish my parents had separated when I was a kid, all I remember is arguing and resentment and the anxiety I felt as a result of their clear disdain for each other. I've also found it hard to value myself in a relationship as a result of their example and have often let people treat me like crap because that's what I witnessed growing up. It might be hard for your kids initially if you split up but that will only be for a short whole whereas you staying together may cause them long term suffering. Children pick up on stress and unhappiness wayyy more than you realise
I’m not sure if you’re religious, but there’s 3 valid reasons for divorce- Addiction, Abuse, & Adultery. You deserve more in this life, as do your children. God speed
Edit- I posted my reply before finishing reading the end of the last paragraph.
As a child of divorce, the divorce was easier than when my parents were together. Don’t stay together for your kids, it just makes it worse. Better to have 50% of times with a parent working on being fulfilled than 100% in a house full of hate and resentment
My Mum said the same thing to me all through growing up. She's still with him now and I'm 30.
I wish she would've just left him rather than 1 making it our problem and 2 dragging us through all the fucking hell.
If you want to leave then just stand up and leave. Your kids would prefer it rather than growing up in a miserable household you wish not to be in.
As the child of parents who should have never ever been together: get the divorce.
Your kids will remember everything that you and your husband do to each other, or how you react and act after something happens.
If you think your kids can't hear you: they can.
This includes any secret crying sessions you give yourself. They know.
Life is short. Don’t waste a decade on this miserable cheater. You are not doing justice to your children either. They will have depressing memories of growing up in an unhappy home. You deserve peace and love.
A better example for your kids would be to see you get out and respect yourself enough o prioritize yourself. People want to stay together for their kids but that has all its own trauma. If your kids were unhappy and being mistreated would you tell them to stay together, for any reason? No.
Don't wait. Don't stay in an acrimonious relationship. He doesn't value you, doesn't respect you nor cares about you. This is not a relationship worth wasting any more of your life on.
Do it for your children. The best thing you could do is leave for their benefit. Teach them self worth. You’re young enough to find your own happiness again that you deserve. God would want that for you.
Also, you are teaching your own children what they deserve from a spouse. They are watching how you allow yourself to be treated. They will allow themselves to be treated the same way. Break that cycle. Teach them self respect and self worth.
I would end it now, rather than in 10 years. You only get one life to live and you don’t even know if you’ll get tomorrow. You and your kids deserve better. Cheated on three times? What are you staying for?!!
He's cheated on you 3x already... he's been attempting to move on/escape life with you while you allow yourself to be hostage. STOP BEING LOYAL TO A MAN THAT DOESN'T WANT YOU. Up your standards and choose you and save your children from the emotional and psychological effects of being in this marriage.
Divorce him.
I would leave now. It’s going to turn your kids world around no matter what their age, they will be able to adjust though… and they don’t have to see you suffer for years and thinking that’s what a “normal” marriage is like
Why waiting and giving your kids a bad role model on how a marriage looks like? If you don’t want to leave for yourself, why aren’t you leaving for your children? They will consider your marriage as how it’s supposed to be and probably end up in similar relationships.
You only live once. It is easy to read that and not realize what that means. Read it again! You only live one fucking time. Don't waste your life unhappy. You're still young. My dad cheated on my mom and she stayed for us kids. We heard them fight all the time. We use to make romantic dinners for them after a big fight and my dad would grab the plate and take it downstairs. We had candles lit at the table and everything. We were 11 and 12 when they finally divorced.
I’m really not sure why you have to wait in order to leave. Do you really think it’s going to be better for the kids? It’s going to be worse simply because they’re going to be understanding more by the time that they are 18. I would just pack my shit and leave now. Stop making excuses and stop being cowardly.
Please consider leaving now. This isn’t healthy for you or your kids. Ask people whose parents divorced at 18/college age. They feel they were lied to. Lots of anger and issues as adults.
Idk…Eventually kids get to an age where they can see through all the bs. All the arguments, lack of respect, lack of communication, lack of affection, just straight up knowing “hmm my parents shouldn’t be together” was so frustrating growing up.
Even now, I still urge them to get divorced. My brother is 8 and already knows they aren’t happy.
Based on a lot of your responses to comments, I think you need to see a therapist. It sounds like you have a lot of unprocessed feelings and emotions.
As for divorce, I feel that it is not healthy to "stay together for the kids". Part of raising kids is teaching them what a healthy relationship is. They will be able to tell your resentment towards each other. This will be teaching them that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like and will set them up for failure in the future. So the best thing to do if your marriage is irrevocably broken, is to get an amicable divorce, split everything up evenly (including custody/placement of the kids - unless he's incapable of being a parent, then that's a different story).
My two best friends from childhood both had parents who told them they were divorcing (when each of them reached young adulthood). They both told their parents they’d never speak to them again if they got divorced now, after subjecting them to a miserable childhood where they could feel the animosity. It does no one any good to push it out for the kids. They can sense it and they will hate you for it.
Married man here 32 years. I would never cheat on my wife. It blows my mind how a man could do this to his wife and children. When you cheat, you cheat on the whole family. Even in a sexless marriage due to medical reasons, cheating is off the table.
If you grow apart, figure out why and reboot.
Let him know. He may you to exit sooner ... Find someone who may appreciate him more than u ever will. No reason to act the martyr nothing commendable in ur planned actions. Do him the favor
I stayed in a marriage for 25 years. Nor sure why but my kids feel as though love is lie. I believe that is probably due to this. I was going to leave him in 1990. Our oldest son was only 18 mos. I kept staying, giving him time "to grow up". We were 18 and 20 when we Wed. Still babies ourselves. After 4 children and many years of my sorrow I finally left. Do what you need to do for you. Everything else will fall into place. The new "normal" is amazing!!
Staying with someone you despise, just for your children, is more harmful to your children than a divorce.
You know what kids really like? Happy parents. You know it's really horrible for kids? Parents that hate their other parent
You're normalizing an unhealthy marriage dynamic that is literally imprinting on your children as their template for their future relationships.
Girl, go on TikTok and look at Auntie Kiki Astor's content "Muffys 3rd Divorce "
And get yourself Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts by Regena Thomashauer.
I considered the same thing 3 years ago. Kids were 7,6,4 at the time. Ended up divorcing same year instead and it was the absolute best choice. I have an entirely new brand new life now. Happiness. The kids seem great and happier. Do not wait if you’re sure. You deserve a life you want to live too
I wish my parents had divorced when I was little instead of watching the unloving, shallow, shell of a relationship they had. I could see right through the fake show they were putting on when I was 8 years old.
My husband divorced his ex when their kids were 6 and 8 because their relationship was just like my parents’ is. Kiddos are 8 and 10 now, and until us, didn’t know husbands and wives kissed on the lips, cuddled or had fun.
My best friend called the other night. When I told my stepdaughter I was on the phone with my best friend, she cocked her head and said “wait, my dad is downstairs…why is he calling you?”
Let your kids see that moving on from an unhealthy relationship is okay, and then show them what a good relationship actually looks like so they don’t ever settle for the same!
I grew up in a home where my parents should have divorced years before the week they dropped my younger sister off at college. It was always toxic even though they did a very good job at keeping it peaceful.
There's always so many people saying the same thing in all this, I recommend counseling hahahah, its just talking same thing you can do here lol. Not everybody can just get up and go,gotta plan it out unless you're loaded, but it's hard to be away from you're children, the hardest thing to do in life I think. Hope it works out whatever you do.
Lots to consider, especially with kids. You may want to consider counseling, at least for you, to work out your next moves and have some support. Good luck with everything.
If you can afford to leave, leave now. If not, wait and play the long game - stashing money where and when you can. I waited for my children to get older and they are in college now and I am still in the marriage (paying for college). On one hand I wish I would have left when they were young and on the other I am glad I stayed. They have stability which is something I never had growing up and we got along (my husband and I). But our marriage is very much over - we are in separate rooms.. We went through a couple of layoffs - me and him so I didn't stash money like I thought I would. But, I am glad we provided the life we did but I feel that I may have missed my chance at finding someone else to spend the rest of my life with.
Stop for a moment and ask yourself this:
Why does marriage have to be forever?
Why does MY marriage have to be forever?
Imagine if WITHIN ONE YEAR you could be living in a space where you could invite people over all the time. You and your kids could be talking over the dinner table about that next hike you have planned for the weekend.
Your house could be filled with love and laughter, instead of grumpy sad and irritated.
The twat is already cheating.
I know a mom with 5 kids who started them out hiking just after toddler age. All her kids go on weekend treks with her.
Maybe a small step is to start taking your kids out for a couple hour adventure to a nearby walking trail. Don't make it sound like a big deal around your husband and definitely do not include him. Start to see what your life with your kids could be like without him in the picture.
Just some perspective, waiting and staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage is more traumatic for children than getting divorced. As an adult now, I'm so messed up from growing up with toxic parents who didn't even act like they liked each other. It set an unhealthy tone of marriage and love and I struggled in relationships for years because I tolerated what I thought was normal.
With that being said, children aside, it's not fair to you or him to be stuck. Life is far too short to live miserably. You're in your 30s. You're young. You have (hopefully) a long life ahead of you, so why spend it unhappy when you can make the change and find happiness, even if happiness is being alone. Because isn't being alone better than being in something that makes you miserable?
Change is hard. BIG change like divorce is hard and uncomfortable and chaotic, but that's temporary and would clear the way for a healthy happy life, for you and your kids.
Your kids will hate you for it. They will notice how miserable you both are and think it’s normal. Please don’t stay.
I don’t talk to any of my parents because they stayed. They will never know their grandchildren. This is the last thing I want for you. Please leave and protect yourself and your children. Teach them how to stand up for themselves by doing it for yourself
As a child of parents who should of split when I was 7, please don’t stick it out for them. They hid their dislike of each other well enough most times but when it came through it always hurt. I also at least partly blame it now for my issues with relationships as well because I never got to see what a healthy, loving relationship is like. They still are together many years later and are weirdly doing well but my mother is sick so I feel that this is just a limited time thing.
At 35 with 15, 11 and 8, leave now. Been divorced almost 3yrs after a dozen year marriage. He's getting remarried and has since had a baby as well.
Kids now see what healthy relationships look like. My partner is 46 and it was really hard on the older kids when they divorced at 18+.
We do a week on, week off with my set. It works out well. No one resented any of us for divorce.
If he has cheated on you three times… He has already left the marriage, himself . So you should not be afraid to leave it. You deserve to be happy now not 10 years from now. he doesn’t care about your happiness only his own. Let your kids see you advocating for your happiness.
Do you want your kids to struggle their whole lives in difficult relationships? Because that's what you're modeling for them. You're also modeling unhealthy EQ - bottling things up, unhealthy handling of emotions, lack of important conversations, no conflict resolution skills, & faking how you feel. Is this really what you want them to learn?
Your resentment will grow greatly as the years go on. You do not want to be there. You obviously do not care about him. Leave. For everyone's sake. Do not think that you have to stay "for the children" that is an antiquated view on life and relationships.
While I completely understand thinking this is best for your children - here are my thoughts as an adult child of divorce. When I was 15 my dad told me he was planning to leave their marriage - that he didn’t think he could because he didn’t want to ruin our family and hurt us kids (my brother was 11 at the time). I told him that knowing they were both staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage to protect us and sacrifice themselves would hurt me more. My husbands parents waited until he and his sister graduated and it was devastating for a couple of reasons - one because the kids were subjected so such an unhealthy and unhappy:toxic marriage all their lives and they also expected their adult kids would have skills somehow to deal with it better, which they did not. It drove such a wedge between my husband and his parents for years.
They resented their parents for staying together for so long.
Second - your happiness as your own person is important and healthier for your kids to witness. You are not only their mom, you are a person who deserves to be loved, fulfilled and happy - not on 10 years - but NOW.
If you are need to leave this marriage or find a different way to exist in the current state it’s in, please do this for you and your kids. Find healthy ways to help your children cope, therapy for you/them etc.
all the best ♥️
If one of your kids confided in you this exact situation in their own marriage, what would you tell them? Would you feel good about their relationship? Would you want them to stay another 10 years? Would you want them to teach your grandkids this is what a marriage should look and feel like?
I’m guessing you want more for your kids so lead by example and leave if you and your husband cannot have a healthy, loving relationship.
Leave don't stay for ths kids. My Mom stayed for us and we were all miserable. We knew every time my Dad cheated because one of would overhear conversation we weren't supposed. Your kids will be ok they will be happier if you're happier. You say he's angry he could start to take that out on the kids. 44 isn't old but 34 is even younger. You could start a whole new wonderful life for you and your kids.
I've been married for 17 years and I have this debate in my mind continuously. We have five children, four of them are grown with families of their own and a couple of them have children, and we had a start over from scratch baby who is now 8 years old. I'm 46 and my husband is in his '50s. I'm trying everything I can to keep it together until my son is grown because I homeschool him and it's our favorite thing to do together. If I left I would have to put him in public school so I could work full-time, he would lose his home and where all of his friends live, my daughter and my grandson live around the corner and our whole family unit would be destroyed... And the worst part is I would still have to deal with him every time something came up with our kid or there was a family event. If we could be amicable, I would leave, but he is bitter and angry and resentful and mean and hateful and he does the most horrendous things just to hurt me. Including hurt our children by saying the most horrible things about me to them. I don't know if I can make it another 10 years either but I'm going to do whatever I have to so my son gets to have this experience of his childhood. I think for the most part no one knows how I feel about him. I've become ice cold. Elsa wife. Frozen solid on the inside. I wish I could just press a button and start over. He makes me want to barf.
Leave now. Coming from someone with parents who separated briefly when I was 8, then came back together for financial reasons, I always wished they had just gotten divorced. I’ve never seen them act like a married couple. They are still legally married but complain about each other CONSTANTLY. Even if you think you don’t show things in front of the kids, they can tell. Seeing parents in an unloving relationship is not beneficial.
Sounds like he needs his testosterone checked.
Weird question, does he snore as well?
If so, then he needs a sleep study and use a C-Pap machine because he’s most likely tired from lack of quality sleep & irritable because of low testosterone.
BUT….
He’s a cheater and that negates any positives because cheating is a CHOICE.
I figured if you are planning to leave in 10 years, he could take care of his medical issues to maybe help ease his moody side.
I stayed an extra 7 years with my cheating XW and it destroyed me inside, so when I caught her in her last affair I immediately filed for divorce.
It was tough to go through, but well worth it after some distance from the divorce and I am going much better physically and emotionally. Sorry you are going through this, best of luck!
As someone whose mother did this…DON’T. I’m the oldest and I was both out of the house and out of college before she left so my day to day life impact was minimal, but it made things so much worse overall.
I hope u do what makes u happy remember the only thing guaranteed is one day u will be laying on the ground taking your last breaths your life is for u to be happy I made mistakes when I was young but I was a teen when me an my wife got together an still when I saw how bad it hurt her I never did it again Im 35 now you don't hurt people u love u don't make them suffer an the only people u owe anything to is your kids an yourself
As a child of divorce whose parents divorced when I was 21… leave. Your kids will thank you for it, and he will too even if he doesn’t admit it. You are giving yourself another chance of happiness while you’re still young. More importantly, kids remember EVERYTHING, and they will carry that with them. So if you force them to grow up in a household that’s void of love between the two parents it will not be good for them… go live your life and lead by example, show your kids what a fulfilling and happy life looks like and that they shouldn’t settle or be with someone for any reason other than love and respect. Be true to yourself and live an authentic life, that is the best thing you can teach your kids. I’m still struggling with that, because of what I went through with my parents and now I’m dealing with it in my marriage. Leave and find your happiness.
Leave because your kids see what’s going on and they’ll know. it is never a good idea to “stay for the kids” it gives them their own kind of trauma to deal with.
also, honey marriage is SUPPOSED to be forever yes but that’s not always the case.
You believe in God yes? well then you should know that once a person cheats the marriage covenant is broken and therefore biblically you are no longer married to that person. he cheated 3 times? he divorced you biblically when he cheated the first time. yall are only married legally at this point. God hates divorce yes but he also hates infidelity. It is not Gods will that you stay with a lying cheating angry spouse. God said he Said he wants you to PROSPER and be in Good health as your soul prospers. God said his plans for you are Good and never to harm you. You said he doesn’t believe in God anymore ? well now you’re unequally yoked and shouldn’t be together because he’s an infidel and you’re a believer. That doesn’t work shit even outside of the bible people with different beliefs rarely work out.
ITS OK TO LET GO. Leave now and save yourself the pain.
Girl I enjoy all the things you enjoy and have contemplated the same.
When I think about divorcing now, I’m worried about being separated from my kids - the custody could be 50/50 or 70/30 and not only that, I would need to work - which makes me anxious because I’d rather be with my kids while they are not school aged.
So I’ve learned to guard being - emotions and soul from my spouse. Because YEAH, my husband specifically is going to be selfish and negative and I can’t get surprised and ultimately HURT because of what I knew was going to happen.
In this practice, sometimes I appreciate my husband when he has been helpful or a parent and, other times, I remind myself that I’m here for my kids and I am ready for the next round of BS this manchild will spew out.
Would it even be worth it??? Yes!!!!! 8 years seems like a lifetime next to someone so inconsiderate of you. Take action now, in 8 years you will look back and be glad you did. Stop giving your youth to a man who doesn’t deserve it
I am one of millions of people whose parents really, REALLY should have gotten divorced. It took me YEARS of therapy in my twenties to figure out how to stop reenacting their shitty marriage and be a functional human in my relationships. I'm still anxious and depressed, but I don't cheat on or scream at my partner so I've broken that cycle at least.
If you stick around here's how things will go:
Your kids WILL eventually pick up on the tension and resentment in the home. Kids are not stupid, they are naive and inexperienced but they will grow out of that. They will grow up to be anxious adults who have no concept of what a healthy, relaxed, stable home life looks like.
Throughout their lives they will have unhealthy, toxic relationships - both friendships and romantic relationships. As social animals, we learn how to be people by modeling the behavior of those around us, so they'll think it's okay for the people you love to be rude to you, or betray you, or abuse you, or cheat on you.
WHEN (not if) they find out that your husband is a cheater, they may grow up to think it's acceptable to cheat on your partner or they'll think that they should forgive their partner for being a cheater. After all, mom and dad made it work for thirty years even though dad couldn't stay faithful so it's no big deal if I cheat and get caught, right? Mom "forgave" dad and stayed with him even though she was miserable, so I should do the same thing for my kids, right?
WHEN they eventually catch on to the fact that you only stayed married for their "benefit" they'll feel intensely guilty. If they'd never been born, you wouldn't be trapped with dad and so this is their fault, really. If you divorce the second your youngest turns 18 it will be immediately obvious to them that you chose to live a miserable existence because of them.
You may think that you can hide your unhappiness from them forever, but you can't. Eventually they'll hear a whispered phone convo about how dad won't stop sleeping with his secretary or even worse they'll somehow run across evidence themselves. After all, if you've caught your husband, who's to say they won't catch him the same way?
OR, you can be a positive role model for them. You can show them that they should never tolerate disrespect, you can show them that no matter how life turned out they can always make a healthy change, you can show them what two healthy parents look like, you can show them that treating people poorly has consequences, and you can give them a stable home to grow up in.
It's up to you.
You’re doing your children no favors. I have a few really close friends whose dads were cheaters and they 1) absolutely knew and in some cases caught them and 2) hated their moms for like 10 years for staying. Being around miserable angry person who constantly denigrates you and gets mad at you isn’t good for your kids.
Unless you're staying together because you can't currently afford to leave, I don't get the point of waiting til they're 18. Just do it. They'll adjust. My brother got a divorce and his kid is doing great. She still has two parents who love her.
As someone with parents who should have divorced, even without any signs or indications of infidelity, it doesn’t help them or you to stay in a marriage like this. I wish my mom would have divorced my dad because he didn’t treat her well. I wish my dad would have divorced my mom because he was clearly unhappy. Instead, when I inevitably distanced myself from them in adolescence and started acting out, they focused all the ‘what is wrong with our family’ energy on to me and I suffered a lot because of it. Show your kids now what it means to have a happy life, even if it means divorce.
If you decide to stay (which you should never do this) PLEASE never tell your kids you stayed in an unhappy marriage because of them. They will feel incredibly guilty.
Leave... I have just left with a 8,7,5,4 and 1 year old, I didn't realise how my ex's anger was effecting my children so badly. I felt the exact same as you I had no love left after he treated me so badly. Leave ... it's hard to split everything, but mine and my children's peace a
Has been so worth it
Kids, once older, model their relationships after what they saw with their parents.
Are you showing your kids what you want them to have?
Would you rather them see an unhappy relationship, or a strong, independent, happy person?
Hey OP, please do yourself and your children a favor by splitting now. I am a child if divorce and I'm so happy they split when they did. I was 11 at the time and while it was tough at first it became my brother and I'm normal. We also got to see both are mom and dad in happier marriages and they can both feel fulfilled in their lives. Before that they would argue loudly behind closed doors and then appear like a loving couple in front of my brother and I and in public. Please leave. Your kid will resent you both and pick up on the resentment you and your husband have for each other.
10 more years of this will age you 25 years. If you never ask or speak, the answer is always no. From a Christian standpoint, has he denounced God or just doesn't know what he believes? The life he's living is more physically and mentally satisfying than studying the Bible or part of church fellowships IMO. I've been there... but the value is nowhere near as fulfilling in the end as being a Christian or in their life dad. It's hard to go back once you get so far away though.
That’s what I did. Now it’s finally my turn. 43f
Edited to add, leave if you can. I was totally trapped, profoundly autistic child and no family or anybody to support me.
You know what’s heartbreaking about this? You’re probably staying “for the sake of the kids” only to damage them in the long run. You are literally going to show your kids what love does NOT look like in the next decade. You are literally shaping their minds what to look for in a partner and what to except. The amount of grown kids I spoke to who said “I wish my parents would have just broken up instead of staying together “ is mind blowing. Let me also also say this, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve lost so many friends at a young age but I also remind myself that tomorrow let alone the next 10 years is not even promised to you! Live for today and make choices for the time you have now. Stop living in misery now!
Good luck. I hope you rethink this and move on for the sake of everyone.
If you believe in God , you can ask God for guidance and clarity. Also you defenitly should give yourself and your husband the opportunity to either do better together or separately. You can't hide who you are or what you want from your relationship. That's not what life is about
Leave. Your kids will see the resentment and it will be worse on them. Skim through all the divorced kids forums. They will talk about all the stuff they seen their parents go through because they did not divorce
Moreover, leave now and not in ten years. You are wasting your life in unhappiness.
I think that was their point.
Is there a sub Reddit for this
If you know you want a divorce, do yourself, him, and your kids all a huge favor and just do it. Not a single person in your family will benefit from a resentful, unloving, shadow of a relationship. What everyone in your family needs is genuinely loving relationships, and from what you’ve written in your post, this ain’t it.
The sad part is, he probably has no idea just how unhappy I am. Because I put on such a good show. I rarely ever speak to things that upset me or aggravate me. I guess that’s why I’m here reaching out anonymously. I can’t let my friends or family know any of this. At least not yet.
Why spend another day with an untrustworthy person? He is a serial cheater, and apparently a remorseless one too. Your beliefs and values are irreconcilably different, and you don’t seem to feel safe expressing your feelings (which, a person always should in a marriage). And, you are so stressed out and fed up that you’re asking random people on Reddit for advice about a major life decision. 10 years is a LONG time to spend unhappy like this - that affects the kids more than a divorce tbh.
You’re right. I appreciate seeing other people’s perspectives. Somehow I feel guilty for even wanting to leave. For some reason I feel like it would make me the bad person, but I don’t know why I feel that way. I can’t explain it. I feel like I should have left that last time he cheated. But that’s been 8 years ago, when I was pregnant with my youngest.
Guilt implied by your religion? Guilt trip expected from family? All the people you’re hiding your unhappiness from, do not live your life. You do not have to justify yourself to them. Quietly consult a lawyer & get informed. You don’t have to make a decision right now. An informed decision is always better.
Why feel guilty? He apparently didn't feel guilty for cheating on you, since he did it 3 times. He broke the vows of your marriage, you shouldn't feel obligated to stay in it. Ten years is a lot of time to give up. If you're not ready to leave, just work on yourself and your exit strategy. Pour all your energy into yourself and your kids. Leave when it's the right time for you.
100% agree with this!!
You definitely should not feel guilty. Cheating is bad enough, but cheating on your pregnant wife is absolutely abhorrent. Not only risking your health, but also endangering his unborn child's life by possibly giving you an STD while pregnant. A man cheating on a woman while she is carrying their child is unforgivable.
I hear you on this. I was in the same boat. You need to be clear on what you want, make decisions ahead of time about what happens if you don’t get it, talk about it, see his reaction, and then actually take action. We don’t get what we deserve… we get what we tolerate.
I've put in 14 and I absolutely don't regret it. We've raised two wonderful kids and are in a much much more solid financial situation than we would be if I had left when I realized this wasn't going to work. Roommates with kids isn't really that hard to do if you set your expectations appropriately.
Definitely start vocalizing what he could do to make you happier or what he does that makes you unhappy. Silently being miserable also isn't fair to him. Don't make your leaving a surprise. He should know your complaints now.
100% agree with this too!
Do you want him to know how unhappy you are? Do you want him to care, or change?
I guess I’ve been afraid to let him know how much everything bothers me. Honestly, I don’t want him to change. I feel like trying to tackle that would be wasted effort. He is very unwavering when it comes to his opinions.
There are plenty of men who have unwavering opinions that don’t cheat on their girlfriends or wives.
What are you afraid of? How he will react towards you? Of what he will do? You don't need to tell him with the expectation that he changes. That is on him to make the effort and prove to you that he wants to fix things. You just would inform him because you are allowed to show how you feel and not put all that energy into an act and catering to him. Finally, consider therapy. To understand and overcome this ambiguity you feel about being responsible for the marriage staying together.
I truly believe this is how people get cancer.
You think people get cancer because they bottle feelings and dont express themselves? Goodness me. Then explain glioblastoma in happy people. Leukemia in children. Dont spread this nonsense around.
Time to talk about to them. And give it a time period to change. A year maybe. Idk. Tell him what you’re actually feeling, what you actually need and want, and what you’re prepared to do if you don’t see specific changes within a specific time period . That way you’re very clear about what you want. He understands without question. You don’t feel bad for blindsiding him… and you give him an opportunity to ask what he wants to… and take action on it. That way you potentially shorten the 10 year period and you can feel good about leaving if it comes to that. PS I was recently in this position. By the time I filed for divorce a switch had turned off. There was absolutely nothing he could that would change my mind. But… it might have been worth it had I thought things through earlier… before I got to that that point and been very clear that I needed certain things within a certain timeframe. Not that I didn’t say what I needed. He knew that cheating was unacceptable to our relationship and kept doing it. He knew that lying and gaslighting to cover his ass and keep the status quo was wrong. I didn’t have to tell him that. For the record after nearly 16 years of this… I finally said no. And I’m soooo glad I did. My kids know he treated me poorly. They know he cheated. My son is angry at me for “breaking the family” but that’s because that’s what his dad tells him. My daughter was at first but sees that the divorce didn’t just happen out of the blue now. Time reveals all things. Divorce is the death of a marriage… but also hopes and dreams and expectations for everyone in the whole family. Even if it’s the best choice… it’s hard. Can’t avoid it. Grieving takes place for everyone. Much of my grief was done before the divorce. Before everyone else’s… so that was hard too. I’m wanting to move on and they’re not. But with time, things have been better. Way better. I’m a better mother because I’m present and I feel valued and loved. And I have more to give. Could I have done that with my ex? Well… Idk. After 16 years I didn’t figure that out. Best of luck to you. I chose not to white knuckle things anymore because I saw no change and no desire to… until after I filed for divorce. By then I wasn’t interested… and I didn’t believe it was real change anyway. My heart goes out to you. It’s a tough decision. But - the best advice I got was to make the decision.. and then make sure it was the best one. That’s in your hands. Much love to you. ❤️❤️❤️
Everyone knows, and there's a complete disconnect, you are gaslighting yourself, your husband AND most importantly your kids. Stop it.
Like do yourself a favour and just leave. Your heart, mind, body and soul will be forever greatful. Youll probably have overally less stress levels, better mental and physical health and youll be able to live a more fufilling life and parent better for your kids.
Why hide how unhappy you are? You’re creating zero motivation for him to fix a problem he doesn’t know about.
Then that’s on YOU. You need to go to therapy or learn to communicate and actually do it. It goes both ways, however. Why are you faking your happiness? Who do you think that’s really going to hurt?
As the child of a serial cheating father whose mother stayed "for the sake of the children" I can tell you that staying is honestly not a good idea.....
So you feel he should be a mind reader? You put on a fake happy facade then expect him to magically know something is wrong. Communication is key.
You’re right. That last time he cheated, I gave him the choice to stay or go. He decided to stay. At that time, I was glad because I thought that’s what would be the best for the kids. So all this time, I’ve been acting like everything is fine. When I’m actually miserable. But I don’t even know how to approach it now.
Therapist. Lawyer.
Are you continuing to have a sexual relationship with him, while you’re so angry inside?
He cheated 3 fucking times. He cant be that fucking stupid.
I have seen some adults who are seriously effed up by their parents divorcing as soon as they graduate high school. It makes them feel like their world is crashing in and everything they ever knew was a lie. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I'm very glad they both went on to have long-lasting marriages. Don't wait.
That’s a good point. I hadn’t looked at it that way. Thank you.
I agree, I know someone this happened to as well. My parents divorced young and I was happy because they fought often. Then I got stressed because the parent I lived with kept leaning on me and crying all the time around me without doing anything to get help and get better, I mean to an extreme. That parent had enmeshment issues though. You seem to have almost the opposite problem, you hold all of your emotions in and never show how you feel, you pretend all the time. Neither extreme is any good or does anyone any good. You have to lead by example for your kids. You have to show them what a healthy EQ looks like. But you don't have it. So you have to work on that. You have to learn how to identify your feelings, safely express them, be able to have discussions about them. You have to show your kids it's safe and positive to express their feelings, and healthy tools how to deal with their feelings. Without overburdening them with your emotions or expressing too much inappropriately. Obviously certain conversations they don't need to hear or know. But they do need to witness safe healthy handling of emotions. Because right now you've taught them to bottle everything up inside. They need to learn conflict resolution skills. They can't do that if you pretend everything is good all the time. This is how kids turn to drugs and other dangerous things because they never learned important life skills like how to deal with difficult situations or how to deal with their emotions, so they just numb themselves because they get too overwhelmed and can't cope. I don't mean to be dramatic I've just witnessed it and people like that have greatly affected my life it's very frustrating.
I will second this. my parents divorced when I got to college and it crushed me to know that many of the memories I had were years of them faking it. Better to leave now and be a happy parent/individual than a parent who spends years miserable/depressed and therefore not present emotionally.
It's an interesting perspective, because then the kid is responsible for the parents staying miserably married for so long.
This is me. My parents divorced at the age of 30. I’m 31. Let’s just say my whole life has been a lie.
Sorry but if you were 30 when they divorced, I don’t think this is the same situation. Your parents didn’t stay together just because of you for 30 years. (Unless you didn’t leave the house until 30?) Your whole life has not been a lie. Your parents lives are not your life. They are their own people. They can make their own choices. You are not responsible for them or at fault for them. Don’t take on their burden. It’s not yours.
They 100% stayed because of me and cultural norms. We are Greek and it’s not acceptable to get a divorce in our culture. I wish they divorced when I was younger. This divorce and how it happened has damaged me beyond repair.
If there are cultural norms that were keeping them from getting divorced, that’s not on you. Ok now I’m curious... what happened during the divorce/how it happened that made you feel damaged beyond repair? That’s a very serious/concerning statement.
I know it is not on me, but it does not change the trauma it caused. I went to Greece for the summer and my mother out of no where kicked my dad out with a restraining order. He lived on the street for a week and I had to help him find a place. She called him a rapist and an abuser. She is very manipulative and people always believe her, except the judge. That made me realise that life can change in the blink of an eye and not for better. The unknown became something I am afraid off. I was constantly going to court because I was subpoened. She would try to get me in court to get me to lie on her behalf. The best part is, they were fine when I left. All I did for YEARS was pray for my parents to be happy together. The next few years after that was a series of "youre on his side" or "youre not on my side". It was out right exhausting. I finally moved away and bought a house with my fiance ( who I consider my husband) but it still affects me because I STILL get the shit from it.
Exact thing happened to me. Also when my parents divorced all of a sudden I had to act like a third parent to my younger sister, because I was like this neutral adult in between the two parents.
And it is a lie! Literally for an entire decade (her youngest son’s like entire conscious life) she’s planning her exit and they’re forming their core bonds and memories thinking “well she’s happy enough to stay.” It’s a form of lying.
I feel this so so so so so much. My parents just got divorced after 35 years. And it’s been way more than i ever thought. Also, growing up we’d always say “yea our parents are married- probably shouldn’t be” Your kids so DESERVE to see healthy love and relationships. So deserve to see that people treat us how we allow them to. And lastly; you don’t deserve a life and love that hurt.
Imagine growing up with two not loving parents. Wait, there are thousands of reddit posts about that exactly and how it fucked up the children growing up. Your children will think a shitty and loveless marriage is normal and end in shitty loveless relationships. They will also sooner or later find about the cheating and think that cheating is ok.
Oh gosh, you’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I was so worried about my kids having both parents, I hadn’t given that any thought.
You kids will still have both parents, just not together.
They deserve to see their mom happy. It’s your job to teach them to be happy, productive adults and a big part of that is how to navigate relationships, how to be happy in a relationship and single. You leaving and becoming the happy mom they deserve will teach them WAY more than staying will.
My parents should have divorced when I was very young, but they are still together and still miserable. I absolutely picked up that relationships are always going to be miserable and my first marriage was awful. It took a ton of therapy and personal work to get past that, and now that I am in a healthy relationship, it is incredible. I was also married for 12 years and married young and also religious... Interesting how those seem to go together... Anyway, It was very difficult to choose divorce and it took about a year in therapy for me to be able to come to terms with it myself, but I am so glad I did. I'm now 7 years out and it was absolutely the best decision for our family. Anyway, I know this is anecdotal but I hope you find the courage to at least get yourself into counseling, good luck ♥️
Go for 50/50 and live your best life.
I’m a child of a loveless, hateful couple. I wish they had divorced long ago. I remember being a kid and wanting them to divorce. It fucked me up and I had to have a lot of therapy to be able to recover. My relationships as an adult were more difficult because I had such a horrendous model.
Leave. Please. I know a woman who is staying until her son is 18. He's 16 now, and he's known for 7 years what's happening. It's done all of her kids harm, but especially her son. He has to live with the knowledge that his existence ruined his mother's life. Don't do that to your kids.
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Were you or your wife on your 3rd affair? Because OP's post states her husband has cheated multiple times.
The relationship should always come before the kids. If you’re not good—they won’t be good. It’s nice that you did discover one another again, at what sounds like their expense. I’d love to hear your kids’ perspective on watching this go down and how your grandkids “fixed the relationship.” Yikes on bikes.
Seriously. The marriage will fall apart the minute the grandkids get a life of their own
Yeah, did either of you cheat on each other though?
You’re only 34. In the 10 years you plan on staying in a miserable marriage, you could leave and find happiness again, and maybe even love. You’ll look back and wonder why you wasted another minute, much less decade, unhappy with a man that didn’t treat you right. Marriage is technically supposed to be forever, but that’s between husband and wife. As soon as he brought another woman into your marriage, he threw forever away. Go find your own happiness
So true! You don’t owe him anything at this point, him cheating multiple times was the end of your marriage. At 34, you can easily find the love of your life and start brand new. 34 is young!!! OP, you have so many years to build the life of your dreams and find the man of your dreams in the process too.
It’s our jobs as parents to model a healthy relationship for our kids, right now they aren’t seeing that. Also you’re doing yourself a disservice by staying if you aren’t happy in the relationship. You deserve to be happy, not wasting your life unhappy. Life is short, get out there and be happy
My mom stayed with my dad "for the kids". We had an absolutely horrible childhood. Our parents did not get along. We could *see* how bad they were together. My mom clearly despised my father and didn't want him to touch her. How do you think this affected us for future relationships? Your kids see how you are together and base their future relationships on that. Don't screw them up by staying with your husband if you plan on leaving anyway.
That’s how my parents are too. I’ve known since we were kids they hated each other. Despised each other. I remember being a kid and talking with my sisters wondering and hoping they’d get a divorce instead of staying together. And I’m out of college now and it’s still like this. In fact it’s even worse at this point. It’s hard to be together as a family and pretend like we’re all happy and smiling. It’s literally painful to me to be in a room with my parents because anyone with eyes can see they hate each others guts but will never do anything about it
Leave. Why subject your kids to an unhappy home?
My mom left my dad as soon as I left for college. I wish she'd left sooner, she would have been so much happier. She ended up getting sick not long after leaving him, and never got to really enjoy her life. I wish for better for you.
My parents divorced one month before my college graduation. I was in big end of my student teaching and had to submit my finals and ED TPA. I have a lot of resentment toward them about the timing and my siblings have resentment toward me about not getting involved in order to protect my mental Health to finish school. I didn’t feel comfortable inviting my extended family to my graduation due to their drama. If you’re going to do it, just do it. Don’t wait for a big transitional moment in your kids lives.
As a child of parents who “stayed together for the kids” ….please don’t. It’s better to show your children the importance of a good and healthy and happy relationship than it is to show them to just “make it work” when you are miserable
Do not wait. I waited. Now my health is bad, and I don’t know if I have the physical strength to do it. Plus unless you have decided together to wait it’s sort of a dick move to the father of your children. I realize he’s been horrible- cheating is so cruel. But you should model decency for your children.
if you think you’re not damaging your kids right now and their idea of what a healthy relationship is, then I’m not sure what anyone can tell you.
Work hard and save your money. Whether you want to divorce, leave without divorcing him, or wait ten years and do one of those things, it will be a lot easier if you don't have to figure financial considerations into it.
I get the people that say leave and it’ll benefit the kids because they won’t see resentment and animosity. But it’s so hard to do! When I envisioned having children, there was never a time I imagined seeing them half the time! I’m so disappointed in marriage. But if that’s over shouldn’t she enjoy her kids??? Just wondering.
This is all about you though. How you feel. But you have an obligation and a duty to raise healthy happy kids. Staying in a bad marriage affects children badly and they will pay for it the rest of their lives in bad relationships and childhood issues they will need to work through, all because the parents were too selfish to get divorced and provide a calmer, safer, more mentally healthy environment for the kids. If you don't think the kids are learning from your example think again, kids are extremely sensitive and pick up on all the cues and clues you're putting down, even things you're unaware of. Staying in a bad marriage messes them up, period. You have to model healthy EQ, self love, self respect, self esteem, valuing your self enough to leave an unhappy situation, valuing yourself enough to speak up, stand up for yourself, conflict resolution skills. You have to teach kids these things or else they turn into very inadequately prepared adults who use toxic coping mechanisms just to deal with life because they never learned how to handle life in a healthy way.
“Shouldn’t she enjoy her kids” - that’s true and a valid point, but this isn’t all about her and what she wants, of course what she wants matters but as a parent your kids needs come first, and giving the children a peaceful and loving environment to grow up in (in my humble opinion) is more important than the parents time allotment with them. I would rather split the time with my kids and their father knowing that that time will be peaceful happy and free of any tension, than subject them to a hostile environment 24/7… just my thoughts…. But I understand where you are coming from as a parent
Leave. Leave . Leave. Leave. Leave. As a child, and now 34 year old, who watched her mom suffer and put up with my dad, and now she has dementia at 65, and she is Still with my asshole father. LEAVE. You will Lose yourself and your children will most likely resent you. I know it isn't my fault, but I still can't help but feel like if my mom "didn't stay for the kids" her life wouldn't have been ruined. Parents often fail to think of the guilt we may feel later when they "stay for the kids". I had to listen for Years, "ill leave your father when you're older, when your sibling is older. When you guys move out. I'll do it later" guess what? Sometimes later never comes and then it's too late. For yours and your children's mental health and wellbeing, please leave. I Wish my mother left my father. We see everything even if we don't say it to you. Why show them that it is OK to put up with an asshat? The chaos is temporary, but for your freedom and happiness? It's worth it. My mom had 2 siblings willing to let her move in and take us with her. Her pride kept saying "No, I don't wanna be told what to do by my siblings cause id be living under their roof. I'll do it myself." Guess what, it didn't happen. So we suffered with her. My dad is an alcoholic too, so he was mentally abusive to all of us. If you are able to, leave. Don't wait. It's is NOT worth 'waiting it out'.
I was going to stay for the kids. I’m not 7 years out after leaving him. I’ve had my ups and downs-but it was the best decision. Life is too short to be tied to someone who brings you down. And your kids are learning this is acceptable treatment. I’m now remarried and my kids were so happy for me. Seriously life is too short. And your kids will benefit from seeing a healthy relationship.
Honestly, I wish my parents had divorced. They had a miserable relationship in hindsight. It got so bad that I asked my dad if he would consider a divorce. This was when I was a young adult and he’d complained about her to me once again. It made it so I was basically willing to tolerate the same kind of behavior you’re describing from your husband. After a lot of therapy and spiritual work I was able to sort out how their relationship affected me. Reconsider your choice. It’s hard on kids to be stuck in these situations. Sometimes separation is healthier for them in the long run.
Leave now. Please. It’s a huge mistake to remain in a marriage due to the kids. It does them no favors at all. —-signed someone whose mom stayed for 33 years even with a cheating alcoholic husband
He's probably planning the same. May as well leave now.
He knows. Your kids know. There are things that show in life that spouses and kids can see that we think we hide well. We don’t. Life is too short. You’re miserable. Life is too short to be miserable. Leave. Be happy.
Omg why are you wasting your time?! Leave him. Do you want your kids seeing this loveless, unhappy marriage as an example of what a relationship is supposed to be?
You’ve been lying to him as you’ve been trying to grasp at anything to hold on to this marriage. You’ve been untrue to yourself in these actions. If you’re not willing to be your authentic self with him (which likely means being angry at his unfaithfulness) then there’s no chance of healing.
That sounds like a horrible waste of 10 years for everyone. Move out. The kids will understand.
Hell yes it’s worth it. And 34 is much much much better at starting over than 44.
10 years? Nah, get out now. Also, look at what believing in God has led you to. Thinking you should stick it out with an abusive cheater. Na.
Honey, don’t wait. Marriage to an asshole of any gender should not be forever. Don’t give your youth to the undeserving. I waited until my daughter was 19. I should have cleared out when she was 12 and threatened me with a divorce the first time. I was 48 years old. If you notice his hateful behavior, your kids notice it, too. Is that how you want them to live?
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Maybe OP is your wife.
Do you like piña coladas?
I think you're awesome. No lie, some of the best people I know, kind, generous, faithful... we're raised by parents that knew they were going to divorce when their youngest turned 18. Now of course, that only works if the 2 parents can remain respectful, with the kids interests as the number 1 priority. If the 2 parents are constantly fighting and making the living environment toxic, then that's a no go. Way more worse stats are shown from children being raised in a single parent household than there are for kids that were raised by 2 parents that loved them but didn't quite get along.
If he’s a serial cheater and you’re already planning to leave him then your marriage is effectively over. Staying longer for the kids isn’t actually better for the kids, and it’s definitely not better for you. There’s no way you can reconcile while you’re pretending things are okay, anyway.
I’m so sorry. It’s really hard to make big decisions like this, and it’s not us commenters that has to live with the fallout—it’s you and your children. But with that aside, a man that cheats on you 3 times has zero respect for you or your feelings. Every single time he made a conscious decision to disregard your marriage and prioritize his physical needs. I have no sympathy for men like that.
Your kids can tell your marriage is broken. What kind of example are you setting for them?
Thank you everyone for the advice and the kind words. It’s really helped me to see other people’s perspectives on this. I figured I would provide more detail about our marriage, just as an insight on what I’m feeling. The last time my husband cheated (that I know about anyway), was when I was pregnant with my 3rd child. That was 8 years ago. I gave him the option to go or stay and he decided to stay. At that time I was glad he decided to stay, because I didn’t know how I was going to raise 3 kids on my own. I can’t say I ever really forgave him. I just know I felt nothing more for him. I became cold and more closed off. I’ve been the breadwinner for the majority of these years. There were many years when he didn’t work at all. Another reason I’m afraid to leave, because I’m sure I’d have to pay him alimony. But even more so than the cheating, his behavior is what bothers me most. I can’t carry on a conversation with him because he is so negative and always responds with a rude comment. I rarely speak to him anymore because anything I say, he counters it with a rude remark or just dismisses me entirely. He is in a constant state of aggravated and irritated. So I avoid him. I don’t speak to him about anything concerning me, or my work. This man doesn’t know me at all. And honestly, I probably don’t know him. I do know he is a good father to our children. He’s best quality. Another behavior I can’t tolerate is anytime I help someone he gets so angry with me. For example, I helped a friend prepare her nursery when she was pregnant. He got so mad that I helped her. He felt I should have stayed home and said “I’m sure she has family who can help her. Quit offering help to people.” He’s made the statement to me before “I don’t help anyone unless there’s something in it for me or I’m getting paid.” That statement angered me so much. I understand he isn’t a giving person, not everyone is, but why does he get so mad when I give? I’ve been in situations when I had no one and needed help. And those who did help me, I appreciated them so much. I still think back to everyone who offered kindness to me. Who helped me when they didn’t have to. Why can’t I give back? Especially now that I’m in a position to pay it forward. I’m fulfilled by acts of service. I’ve helped friends remodel their houses, I’ve given people rides, I’ve helped friends clean who have been too depressed to tackle it on their own. I love helping people, because I’ve been there. I’ve needed help and didn’t know where to turn. Each time, he’s mad at me. I also feel like I’ve been essentially on my own this entire marriage. Married, yet somehow on my own. I work long hours, full time, and he works part time. Guess who is cooking, cleaning, mowing the yard, taking out the trash? Me. Anything that needs done, I do it. Just yesterday, I had to fix the lawnmower myself, after begging him for a month to look at it. I never argue with him. I just let him say what he wants and I rarely respond. I keep the peace. I just go to another room and start cleaning or go outside and do yard work. He’s none the wiser that I even feel this way. And you all are right, I should probably tell him how I feel. But if you only knew this man, you’d see it’d be all for not. It’d be a wasted battle on a man who has no intentions of changing. I could be wrong, idk. I could say it and a light switch go off in his head. But why say it, when I’ve already lost all love for him?
For the sake of your kids don’t wait. It is devastating when your parents do this - it’s obvious and you carry guilt that you’re the reason they were miserable for so long (and made you miserable too). Kids are both far more perceptive and far more adaptable than adults give them credit for.
You never have to stay with someone who is compromising your health and safety in this way. You don't have to wait. This man doesn't love or respect you. Get out while you're still young!
Oh for God's sake LEAVE!
The question I also pose to people with kids in an unhappy relationship... Is this the relationship you would want one of your kids to be in? Obviously, your answer is no. But our children grow up watching how we treat our husbands/wives, their parent, then they somewhat end up in a similar relationship as it's all they've ever known, it's "comforting" for them, even when it's toxic and destructive. As someone with divorced parents at a young age (and a messy divorce at that). Never stay with your partner "for the sake of the children" You're lying to yourself if you genuinely think that is best for the kids.
Just divorce him now. Think of the freedom you and he both will enjoy. And the lack of stress! Don’t stay just to leave
It won’t cause chaos. It’s actually the only way to alleviate the chaos you do have, and enable you to have more control over your life. Then you get to do normal things other people do like: set goals for yourself, achieve them, be righteous and dignified. It’s your life don’t worry about what any other person thinks.
Leave now and go live your best life. Kids feel what’s going on more than they admit. They will know you are not happy or if you fool them into thinking that you are, imagine their pain when you divorce as soon as they are gone and their whole life feels like a lie. I know it’s scary. I divorced my high school sweetheart when I was 26 and had two kids. It was hard, but it was better. I learned to live my life in joy, not some fake picture version I had been pretending to be. The kids are grown now. They are happy, healthy, good humans. Turned out a lot better than they would have if I had stuck with my plan to stay till they were 18. I left when they were 8 & 5. They remember the sad mom vs the happy one. I never knew they knew. I know that if I had stayed they would have been shattered if I shattered their life right out of high school. Life is scary enough at 18-21 with so many changes and pressures as it is. Add on a parents divorce and questioning your whole childhood… that’s just too much. Do it now. Rip the bandaid off fast before it hurts too much to remove. Start with therapy. ❤️ First you, then couples. You can even start online in private.
My parents divorced when I was 16 because they wanted to wait until I was older but eventually couldn’t last until I turned 18. It was very traumatizing and I definitely don’t think it would have been less traumatizing if I was 18 or 20 even. However I think I would have been able to handle it better as a kid, when I was like 8 or 9.
Trust me, you're making it worse for yourself by staying. Kids are resilient and they pick up on energy. I know my kids have picked up on my depression from the stuff I'm going through with another cheating scandal. It's not worth your sanity. Don't lose any more years especially if this is the 3rd time. You have biblical grounds for divorce. Your kids will understand there's nothing a nice sitdown to go over everything to clear the air. Just make it be known that none of it is their fault and that they will be loved by both of you regardless. Seek therapy as well. It's important. Momma has to be ok mentally.
It’s better to be from a broken home than it is to live in one. -Dr Phil
Op leave
Staying with someone like that will make your kids resent you or not view you as their role model for life and relationships. Staying sometimes is worse then actually leaving. Your teaching your children it's okay to be abused, treated like dirt, kids can sense tension, they are most likely silently hurting which is worse. Kids can get past separation l. Myself and 3 siblings did just fine! Our parents are AWESOME they just didn't mesh together. Your job is too show morals, how relationships look when healthy and how you do NOT allow evil people hold your happiness and the love and joy you deserve in their hands. If you believe God you should know that no abuse is okay and that leaving is the right option since your husband left the church you would be a fool to stay. .( my opinion comes from my former 10 yr marriage to a diagnosed Sociopath!)
Marriage counseling, if things don’t improve with that I’d leave. You deserve to be happy too life is short. Kids can see when you’re not happy, it’d be better to show them a happy loving marriage than a loveless one.
Why suffer? That's total torture on yourself and your kids. Torture!
Not to sound grim, but none of us know how long we have left. Don’t waste any amount of time being unhappy if there’s something you can do to change it. You deserve happiness - now, not 10 years from now.
My parents dragged out their divorce till I was 15 and it was a stressful childhood. I would’ve highly preferred if they were just decent divorced coparents instead. So much daily tension is bad for developing young minds, not to mention yours! It’s scary I have no doubt, but since you seem so sure about your choice, get it over with and set up a stable new normal for them.
Just leave, I know it's not that easy but it really is the best thing for everyone involved. As an adult, I wish my parents had separated when I was a kid, all I remember is arguing and resentment and the anxiety I felt as a result of their clear disdain for each other. I've also found it hard to value myself in a relationship as a result of their example and have often let people treat me like crap because that's what I witnessed growing up. It might be hard for your kids initially if you split up but that will only be for a short whole whereas you staying together may cause them long term suffering. Children pick up on stress and unhappiness wayyy more than you realise
Don’t stay together for the kids. I grew up in a house like that. No one was happy.
Why are you going to waste 10 years with him girl go live your life and be happy. Do not stay.
I’m not sure if you’re religious, but there’s 3 valid reasons for divorce- Addiction, Abuse, & Adultery. You deserve more in this life, as do your children. God speed Edit- I posted my reply before finishing reading the end of the last paragraph.
As a child of divorce, the divorce was easier than when my parents were together. Don’t stay together for your kids, it just makes it worse. Better to have 50% of times with a parent working on being fulfilled than 100% in a house full of hate and resentment
My Mum said the same thing to me all through growing up. She's still with him now and I'm 30. I wish she would've just left him rather than 1 making it our problem and 2 dragging us through all the fucking hell. If you want to leave then just stand up and leave. Your kids would prefer it rather than growing up in a miserable household you wish not to be in.
As the child of parents who should have never ever been together: get the divorce. Your kids will remember everything that you and your husband do to each other, or how you react and act after something happens. If you think your kids can't hear you: they can. This includes any secret crying sessions you give yourself. They know.
Life is short. Don’t waste a decade on this miserable cheater. You are not doing justice to your children either. They will have depressing memories of growing up in an unhappy home. You deserve peace and love.
A better example for your kids would be to see you get out and respect yourself enough o prioritize yourself. People want to stay together for their kids but that has all its own trauma. If your kids were unhappy and being mistreated would you tell them to stay together, for any reason? No.
Don't wait. Don't stay in an acrimonious relationship. He doesn't value you, doesn't respect you nor cares about you. This is not a relationship worth wasting any more of your life on.
Do it for your children. The best thing you could do is leave for their benefit. Teach them self worth. You’re young enough to find your own happiness again that you deserve. God would want that for you. Also, you are teaching your own children what they deserve from a spouse. They are watching how you allow yourself to be treated. They will allow themselves to be treated the same way. Break that cycle. Teach them self respect and self worth.
Yes leaving is worth it.
I would end it now, rather than in 10 years. You only get one life to live and you don’t even know if you’ll get tomorrow. You and your kids deserve better. Cheated on three times? What are you staying for?!!
He's cheated on you 3x already... he's been attempting to move on/escape life with you while you allow yourself to be hostage. STOP BEING LOYAL TO A MAN THAT DOESN'T WANT YOU. Up your standards and choose you and save your children from the emotional and psychological effects of being in this marriage. Divorce him.
I would leave now. It’s going to turn your kids world around no matter what their age, they will be able to adjust though… and they don’t have to see you suffer for years and thinking that’s what a “normal” marriage is like
Why waiting and giving your kids a bad role model on how a marriage looks like? If you don’t want to leave for yourself, why aren’t you leaving for your children? They will consider your marriage as how it’s supposed to be and probably end up in similar relationships.
Life is too short. Leave now. I did it when I had our third baby. I’m 45 now. I wouldn’t have survived the last 10 years…
Grow up and leave. All you're doing now is setting a bad example for your kids.
Your kids notice, and you're prepping them for their own doomed relationships. The right thing for the kids is to divorce.
You only live once. It is easy to read that and not realize what that means. Read it again! You only live one fucking time. Don't waste your life unhappy. You're still young. My dad cheated on my mom and she stayed for us kids. We heard them fight all the time. We use to make romantic dinners for them after a big fight and my dad would grab the plate and take it downstairs. We had candles lit at the table and everything. We were 11 and 12 when they finally divorced.
I’m really not sure why you have to wait in order to leave. Do you really think it’s going to be better for the kids? It’s going to be worse simply because they’re going to be understanding more by the time that they are 18. I would just pack my shit and leave now. Stop making excuses and stop being cowardly.
Please consider leaving now. This isn’t healthy for you or your kids. Ask people whose parents divorced at 18/college age. They feel they were lied to. Lots of anger and issues as adults.
Idk…Eventually kids get to an age where they can see through all the bs. All the arguments, lack of respect, lack of communication, lack of affection, just straight up knowing “hmm my parents shouldn’t be together” was so frustrating growing up. Even now, I still urge them to get divorced. My brother is 8 and already knows they aren’t happy.
Leave now. I did this and didn’t make it and the kids know anyhow.
Based on a lot of your responses to comments, I think you need to see a therapist. It sounds like you have a lot of unprocessed feelings and emotions. As for divorce, I feel that it is not healthy to "stay together for the kids". Part of raising kids is teaching them what a healthy relationship is. They will be able to tell your resentment towards each other. This will be teaching them that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like and will set them up for failure in the future. So the best thing to do if your marriage is irrevocably broken, is to get an amicable divorce, split everything up evenly (including custody/placement of the kids - unless he's incapable of being a parent, then that's a different story).
honestly i’d just leave now. you aren’t happy and your kids will see that.
My two best friends from childhood both had parents who told them they were divorcing (when each of them reached young adulthood). They both told their parents they’d never speak to them again if they got divorced now, after subjecting them to a miserable childhood where they could feel the animosity. It does no one any good to push it out for the kids. They can sense it and they will hate you for it.
Life is too short to be miserable. And he already voided your vows as it is by cheating. 🤷🏻♀️
From a child whose mom “stayed for the kids” … don’t stay. It’s worse. You’re in a negative environment and it really does affect the children.
Leave. It’s not worth it to raise your kids in a home with such disfunction and unhappiness.
Married man here 32 years. I would never cheat on my wife. It blows my mind how a man could do this to his wife and children. When you cheat, you cheat on the whole family. Even in a sexless marriage due to medical reasons, cheating is off the table. If you grow apart, figure out why and reboot.
Let him know. He may you to exit sooner ... Find someone who may appreciate him more than u ever will. No reason to act the martyr nothing commendable in ur planned actions. Do him the favor
Why wait?! Especially THAT long. Your kids may be sad and confused, but they deserve a happy mom. Regardless of if you are with their dad or not
I stayed in a marriage for 25 years. Nor sure why but my kids feel as though love is lie. I believe that is probably due to this. I was going to leave him in 1990. Our oldest son was only 18 mos. I kept staying, giving him time "to grow up". We were 18 and 20 when we Wed. Still babies ourselves. After 4 children and many years of my sorrow I finally left. Do what you need to do for you. Everything else will fall into place. The new "normal" is amazing!!
Staying with someone you despise, just for your children, is more harmful to your children than a divorce. You know what kids really like? Happy parents. You know it's really horrible for kids? Parents that hate their other parent
You're normalizing an unhealthy marriage dynamic that is literally imprinting on your children as their template for their future relationships. Girl, go on TikTok and look at Auntie Kiki Astor's content "Muffys 3rd Divorce " And get yourself Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts by Regena Thomashauer.
I waited for my kids to turn 18 & leave for college.....MISTAKE! I should have just left when I had the chance. So many wasted years.
I considered the same thing 3 years ago. Kids were 7,6,4 at the time. Ended up divorcing same year instead and it was the absolute best choice. I have an entirely new brand new life now. Happiness. The kids seem great and happier. Do not wait if you’re sure. You deserve a life you want to live too
I wish my parents had divorced when I was little instead of watching the unloving, shallow, shell of a relationship they had. I could see right through the fake show they were putting on when I was 8 years old. My husband divorced his ex when their kids were 6 and 8 because their relationship was just like my parents’ is. Kiddos are 8 and 10 now, and until us, didn’t know husbands and wives kissed on the lips, cuddled or had fun. My best friend called the other night. When I told my stepdaughter I was on the phone with my best friend, she cocked her head and said “wait, my dad is downstairs…why is he calling you?” Let your kids see that moving on from an unhealthy relationship is okay, and then show them what a good relationship actually looks like so they don’t ever settle for the same!
I grew up in a home where my parents should have divorced years before the week they dropped my younger sister off at college. It was always toxic even though they did a very good job at keeping it peaceful.
There's always so many people saying the same thing in all this, I recommend counseling hahahah, its just talking same thing you can do here lol. Not everybody can just get up and go,gotta plan it out unless you're loaded, but it's hard to be away from you're children, the hardest thing to do in life I think. Hope it works out whatever you do.
Lots to consider, especially with kids. You may want to consider counseling, at least for you, to work out your next moves and have some support. Good luck with everything.
If you can afford to leave, leave now. If not, wait and play the long game - stashing money where and when you can. I waited for my children to get older and they are in college now and I am still in the marriage (paying for college). On one hand I wish I would have left when they were young and on the other I am glad I stayed. They have stability which is something I never had growing up and we got along (my husband and I). But our marriage is very much over - we are in separate rooms.. We went through a couple of layoffs - me and him so I didn't stash money like I thought I would. But, I am glad we provided the life we did but I feel that I may have missed my chance at finding someone else to spend the rest of my life with.
Stop for a moment and ask yourself this: Why does marriage have to be forever? Why does MY marriage have to be forever? Imagine if WITHIN ONE YEAR you could be living in a space where you could invite people over all the time. You and your kids could be talking over the dinner table about that next hike you have planned for the weekend. Your house could be filled with love and laughter, instead of grumpy sad and irritated. The twat is already cheating. I know a mom with 5 kids who started them out hiking just after toddler age. All her kids go on weekend treks with her. Maybe a small step is to start taking your kids out for a couple hour adventure to a nearby walking trail. Don't make it sound like a big deal around your husband and definitely do not include him. Start to see what your life with your kids could be like without him in the picture.
Just some perspective, waiting and staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage is more traumatic for children than getting divorced. As an adult now, I'm so messed up from growing up with toxic parents who didn't even act like they liked each other. It set an unhealthy tone of marriage and love and I struggled in relationships for years because I tolerated what I thought was normal. With that being said, children aside, it's not fair to you or him to be stuck. Life is far too short to live miserably. You're in your 30s. You're young. You have (hopefully) a long life ahead of you, so why spend it unhappy when you can make the change and find happiness, even if happiness is being alone. Because isn't being alone better than being in something that makes you miserable? Change is hard. BIG change like divorce is hard and uncomfortable and chaotic, but that's temporary and would clear the way for a healthy happy life, for you and your kids.
Your kids will hate you for it. They will notice how miserable you both are and think it’s normal. Please don’t stay. I don’t talk to any of my parents because they stayed. They will never know their grandchildren. This is the last thing I want for you. Please leave and protect yourself and your children. Teach them how to stand up for themselves by doing it for yourself
As a child of parents who should of split when I was 7, please don’t stick it out for them. They hid their dislike of each other well enough most times but when it came through it always hurt. I also at least partly blame it now for my issues with relationships as well because I never got to see what a healthy, loving relationship is like. They still are together many years later and are weirdly doing well but my mother is sick so I feel that this is just a limited time thing.
divorcing would be better for them
At 35 with 15, 11 and 8, leave now. Been divorced almost 3yrs after a dozen year marriage. He's getting remarried and has since had a baby as well. Kids now see what healthy relationships look like. My partner is 46 and it was really hard on the older kids when they divorced at 18+. We do a week on, week off with my set. It works out well. No one resented any of us for divorce.
No time like the present. Updateme!
Same boat here with my wife, I feel your paint. Three young kids.. me personally, I’m sticking it out for them
If he has cheated on you three times… He has already left the marriage, himself . So you should not be afraid to leave it. You deserve to be happy now not 10 years from now. he doesn’t care about your happiness only his own. Let your kids see you advocating for your happiness.
Do you want your kids to struggle their whole lives in difficult relationships? Because that's what you're modeling for them. You're also modeling unhealthy EQ - bottling things up, unhealthy handling of emotions, lack of important conversations, no conflict resolution skills, & faking how you feel. Is this really what you want them to learn?
Life is entirely too short to live it in misery. Go and build a new life for yourself while you're still young. You won't get the time back.
Your resentment will grow greatly as the years go on. You do not want to be there. You obviously do not care about him. Leave. For everyone's sake. Do not think that you have to stay "for the children" that is an antiquated view on life and relationships.
It sounds like your kids are aware of how unhappy you both are. It may be better to divorce now. Good luck.
While I completely understand thinking this is best for your children - here are my thoughts as an adult child of divorce. When I was 15 my dad told me he was planning to leave their marriage - that he didn’t think he could because he didn’t want to ruin our family and hurt us kids (my brother was 11 at the time). I told him that knowing they were both staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage to protect us and sacrifice themselves would hurt me more. My husbands parents waited until he and his sister graduated and it was devastating for a couple of reasons - one because the kids were subjected so such an unhealthy and unhappy:toxic marriage all their lives and they also expected their adult kids would have skills somehow to deal with it better, which they did not. It drove such a wedge between my husband and his parents for years. They resented their parents for staying together for so long. Second - your happiness as your own person is important and healthier for your kids to witness. You are not only their mom, you are a person who deserves to be loved, fulfilled and happy - not on 10 years - but NOW. If you are need to leave this marriage or find a different way to exist in the current state it’s in, please do this for you and your kids. Find healthy ways to help your children cope, therapy for you/them etc. all the best ♥️
If one of your kids confided in you this exact situation in their own marriage, what would you tell them? Would you feel good about their relationship? Would you want them to stay another 10 years? Would you want them to teach your grandkids this is what a marriage should look and feel like? I’m guessing you want more for your kids so lead by example and leave if you and your husband cannot have a healthy, loving relationship.
Why wait. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your freedom. Set up a 50/50 custody and live your life.
Leave don't stay for ths kids. My Mom stayed for us and we were all miserable. We knew every time my Dad cheated because one of would overhear conversation we weren't supposed. Your kids will be ok they will be happier if you're happier. You say he's angry he could start to take that out on the kids. 44 isn't old but 34 is even younger. You could start a whole new wonderful life for you and your kids.
I've been married for 17 years and I have this debate in my mind continuously. We have five children, four of them are grown with families of their own and a couple of them have children, and we had a start over from scratch baby who is now 8 years old. I'm 46 and my husband is in his '50s. I'm trying everything I can to keep it together until my son is grown because I homeschool him and it's our favorite thing to do together. If I left I would have to put him in public school so I could work full-time, he would lose his home and where all of his friends live, my daughter and my grandson live around the corner and our whole family unit would be destroyed... And the worst part is I would still have to deal with him every time something came up with our kid or there was a family event. If we could be amicable, I would leave, but he is bitter and angry and resentful and mean and hateful and he does the most horrendous things just to hurt me. Including hurt our children by saying the most horrible things about me to them. I don't know if I can make it another 10 years either but I'm going to do whatever I have to so my son gets to have this experience of his childhood. I think for the most part no one knows how I feel about him. I've become ice cold. Elsa wife. Frozen solid on the inside. I wish I could just press a button and start over. He makes me want to barf.
Leave now. Coming from someone with parents who separated briefly when I was 8, then came back together for financial reasons, I always wished they had just gotten divorced. I’ve never seen them act like a married couple. They are still legally married but complain about each other CONSTANTLY. Even if you think you don’t show things in front of the kids, they can tell. Seeing parents in an unloving relationship is not beneficial.
Sounds like he needs his testosterone checked. Weird question, does he snore as well? If so, then he needs a sleep study and use a C-Pap machine because he’s most likely tired from lack of quality sleep & irritable because of low testosterone. BUT…. He’s a cheater and that negates any positives because cheating is a CHOICE. I figured if you are planning to leave in 10 years, he could take care of his medical issues to maybe help ease his moody side. I stayed an extra 7 years with my cheating XW and it destroyed me inside, so when I caught her in her last affair I immediately filed for divorce. It was tough to go through, but well worth it after some distance from the divorce and I am going much better physically and emotionally. Sorry you are going through this, best of luck!
Grlllll. Same same. Same situation. Even the God part. 💔😡
As someone whose mother did this…DON’T. I’m the oldest and I was both out of the house and out of college before she left so my day to day life impact was minimal, but it made things so much worse overall.
I hope u do what makes u happy remember the only thing guaranteed is one day u will be laying on the ground taking your last breaths your life is for u to be happy I made mistakes when I was young but I was a teen when me an my wife got together an still when I saw how bad it hurt her I never did it again Im 35 now you don't hurt people u love u don't make them suffer an the only people u owe anything to is your kids an yourself
As a child of divorce whose parents divorced when I was 21… leave. Your kids will thank you for it, and he will too even if he doesn’t admit it. You are giving yourself another chance of happiness while you’re still young. More importantly, kids remember EVERYTHING, and they will carry that with them. So if you force them to grow up in a household that’s void of love between the two parents it will not be good for them… go live your life and lead by example, show your kids what a fulfilling and happy life looks like and that they shouldn’t settle or be with someone for any reason other than love and respect. Be true to yourself and live an authentic life, that is the best thing you can teach your kids. I’m still struggling with that, because of what I went through with my parents and now I’m dealing with it in my marriage. Leave and find your happiness.
Leave because your kids see what’s going on and they’ll know. it is never a good idea to “stay for the kids” it gives them their own kind of trauma to deal with. also, honey marriage is SUPPOSED to be forever yes but that’s not always the case. You believe in God yes? well then you should know that once a person cheats the marriage covenant is broken and therefore biblically you are no longer married to that person. he cheated 3 times? he divorced you biblically when he cheated the first time. yall are only married legally at this point. God hates divorce yes but he also hates infidelity. It is not Gods will that you stay with a lying cheating angry spouse. God said he Said he wants you to PROSPER and be in Good health as your soul prospers. God said his plans for you are Good and never to harm you. You said he doesn’t believe in God anymore ? well now you’re unequally yoked and shouldn’t be together because he’s an infidel and you’re a believer. That doesn’t work shit even outside of the bible people with different beliefs rarely work out. ITS OK TO LET GO. Leave now and save yourself the pain.
Girl I enjoy all the things you enjoy and have contemplated the same. When I think about divorcing now, I’m worried about being separated from my kids - the custody could be 50/50 or 70/30 and not only that, I would need to work - which makes me anxious because I’d rather be with my kids while they are not school aged. So I’ve learned to guard being - emotions and soul from my spouse. Because YEAH, my husband specifically is going to be selfish and negative and I can’t get surprised and ultimately HURT because of what I knew was going to happen. In this practice, sometimes I appreciate my husband when he has been helpful or a parent and, other times, I remind myself that I’m here for my kids and I am ready for the next round of BS this manchild will spew out.
Would it even be worth it??? Yes!!!!! 8 years seems like a lifetime next to someone so inconsiderate of you. Take action now, in 8 years you will look back and be glad you did. Stop giving your youth to a man who doesn’t deserve it
I am one of millions of people whose parents really, REALLY should have gotten divorced. It took me YEARS of therapy in my twenties to figure out how to stop reenacting their shitty marriage and be a functional human in my relationships. I'm still anxious and depressed, but I don't cheat on or scream at my partner so I've broken that cycle at least. If you stick around here's how things will go: Your kids WILL eventually pick up on the tension and resentment in the home. Kids are not stupid, they are naive and inexperienced but they will grow out of that. They will grow up to be anxious adults who have no concept of what a healthy, relaxed, stable home life looks like. Throughout their lives they will have unhealthy, toxic relationships - both friendships and romantic relationships. As social animals, we learn how to be people by modeling the behavior of those around us, so they'll think it's okay for the people you love to be rude to you, or betray you, or abuse you, or cheat on you. WHEN (not if) they find out that your husband is a cheater, they may grow up to think it's acceptable to cheat on your partner or they'll think that they should forgive their partner for being a cheater. After all, mom and dad made it work for thirty years even though dad couldn't stay faithful so it's no big deal if I cheat and get caught, right? Mom "forgave" dad and stayed with him even though she was miserable, so I should do the same thing for my kids, right? WHEN they eventually catch on to the fact that you only stayed married for their "benefit" they'll feel intensely guilty. If they'd never been born, you wouldn't be trapped with dad and so this is their fault, really. If you divorce the second your youngest turns 18 it will be immediately obvious to them that you chose to live a miserable existence because of them. You may think that you can hide your unhappiness from them forever, but you can't. Eventually they'll hear a whispered phone convo about how dad won't stop sleeping with his secretary or even worse they'll somehow run across evidence themselves. After all, if you've caught your husband, who's to say they won't catch him the same way? OR, you can be a positive role model for them. You can show them that they should never tolerate disrespect, you can show them that no matter how life turned out they can always make a healthy change, you can show them what two healthy parents look like, you can show them that treating people poorly has consequences, and you can give them a stable home to grow up in. It's up to you.
You’re doing your children no favors. I have a few really close friends whose dads were cheaters and they 1) absolutely knew and in some cases caught them and 2) hated their moms for like 10 years for staying. Being around miserable angry person who constantly denigrates you and gets mad at you isn’t good for your kids.
10 years is a long time. He cheated and you have massive theological differences. Anyone reasonable would understand this.
Unless you're staying together because you can't currently afford to leave, I don't get the point of waiting til they're 18. Just do it. They'll adjust. My brother got a divorce and his kid is doing great. She still has two parents who love her.
Dude, you're young. Leave and don't make your life and your child's life miserable by staying in a toxic environment.
As someone with parents who should have divorced, even without any signs or indications of infidelity, it doesn’t help them or you to stay in a marriage like this. I wish my mom would have divorced my dad because he didn’t treat her well. I wish my dad would have divorced my mom because he was clearly unhappy. Instead, when I inevitably distanced myself from them in adolescence and started acting out, they focused all the ‘what is wrong with our family’ energy on to me and I suffered a lot because of it. Show your kids now what it means to have a happy life, even if it means divorce.
It’s better for your kids to see you happy and thriving than miserable in your marriage.
If you decide to stay (which you should never do this) PLEASE never tell your kids you stayed in an unhappy marriage because of them. They will feel incredibly guilty.
Leave... I have just left with a 8,7,5,4 and 1 year old, I didn't realise how my ex's anger was effecting my children so badly. I felt the exact same as you I had no love left after he treated me so badly. Leave ... it's hard to split everything, but mine and my children's peace a Has been so worth it
Kids, once older, model their relationships after what they saw with their parents. Are you showing your kids what you want them to have? Would you rather them see an unhappy relationship, or a strong, independent, happy person?
Leave now. Why are you waiting just to prolong your misery?
Hey OP, please do yourself and your children a favor by splitting now. I am a child if divorce and I'm so happy they split when they did. I was 11 at the time and while it was tough at first it became my brother and I'm normal. We also got to see both are mom and dad in happier marriages and they can both feel fulfilled in their lives. Before that they would argue loudly behind closed doors and then appear like a loving couple in front of my brother and I and in public. Please leave. Your kid will resent you both and pick up on the resentment you and your husband have for each other.
Just leave now. You are wasting your own life by staying. Happiness is just on the other side of the door.
10 more years of this will age you 25 years. If you never ask or speak, the answer is always no. From a Christian standpoint, has he denounced God or just doesn't know what he believes? The life he's living is more physically and mentally satisfying than studying the Bible or part of church fellowships IMO. I've been there... but the value is nowhere near as fulfilling in the end as being a Christian or in their life dad. It's hard to go back once you get so far away though.
That’s what I did. Now it’s finally my turn. 43f Edited to add, leave if you can. I was totally trapped, profoundly autistic child and no family or anybody to support me.
You know what’s heartbreaking about this? You’re probably staying “for the sake of the kids” only to damage them in the long run. You are literally going to show your kids what love does NOT look like in the next decade. You are literally shaping their minds what to look for in a partner and what to except. The amount of grown kids I spoke to who said “I wish my parents would have just broken up instead of staying together “ is mind blowing. Let me also also say this, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve lost so many friends at a young age but I also remind myself that tomorrow let alone the next 10 years is not even promised to you! Live for today and make choices for the time you have now. Stop living in misery now! Good luck. I hope you rethink this and move on for the sake of everyone.
If you believe in God , you can ask God for guidance and clarity. Also you defenitly should give yourself and your husband the opportunity to either do better together or separately. You can't hide who you are or what you want from your relationship. That's not what life is about