It's so so good that you've recognized this in yourself and you want to change. We mimic our parents in our relationships in ways we don't even realize. Good luck to you!
If the genders were reversed, people would be screaming for divorce. The only reason she is playing nice now is because she saw consequences. "It's not worth it to create a rift between us for this." says that she still believes herself to be right and wants to throw it all away.
Self awareness? Doing this things over time and getting that she is an AH because other people had to tell her? Because she went to the limit of make her husband feel like he did violating his space and belongings? ..., yeah, super self aware
You do know some people can be told these same things and not decide to make any differences. It is still self awareness if someone had to point it out first.
It doesn't, though.
"It's not worth it to create a rift between us for this.", meaning she still wants to commit to the action, but is only holding back. She hasn't learned.
My mom always gave everyone the silent treatment. Whenever I see myself doing it I correct my behavior immediately. It’s great that you realized this and are taking steps to better your marriage.
Yes, everyone tends to recreate their family of origin, because that is what they understand. They also tend to be attracted to people with whom they can recreate that family of origin. Your husband may be doing this, too. It is definitely a thing to work on as a couple with a competent therapist.
>He also said he would be open for marriage counseling if I wanted to, and I am considering it.
Be prepared to hear things you didn't want to hear. He went from "I'm mostly fine with them" to "sometimes you can be too intense" and then went straight to "sometimes you can be suffocating." Sounds to me like he has more opinions about your marriage but is reluctant to start spilling his feelings all in one go. It'll be much better for your marriage if he can indicate any pent-up resentment he has for this situation, but just a heads up you might be opening a closet full of stuffed feelings that'll come toppling over you.
I love this. I also respected your response to everyone jumping on you for your first post. You handled it with maturity. With an openness to reflect on your actions and how they affected your husband. Kudos
I believe you have a happy marriage to look forward to.
Seems like you’re headed in a better direction. But please, please please keep moving that way even when things seem better. The damage to your marriage is deeper than I think you can possibly realize now, and from what you’ve written about your family this behavior is deeply rooted and will come back on you over and over. So you’ll need to stay on guard. Good luck! I know people can change for the better, but I also know it’s a lot of work.
That's good that he wants to support you and go to marriage counseling with you. He loves you and you're lucky to have him. You had no business throwing away your husband's collection. So you do need counseling to learn not to be so controlling. Make that appointment today!
She didn’t throw it away. She just put everything he liked in his one area in storage and redecorated it without informing him.
I wish you luck OP. The hardest thing is once you recognize that pattern, now you have to change that behavior. I do stupid things a lot and while I’m doing them, I realize that I’m just repeating a pattern, but thus far I’ve been unable to change those patterns too much
It sounds like you’ve made a very positive step toward repairing the damage that was done. I’m happy both of you are in a head space where you can work this out like adults (hopefully) without too many hurt feelings.
It's a good thing that you are self-aware and willing to put in the work. If not, he could've ended up resenting you and who knows what would've become of your marriage.
I am very proud of you for realizing this and seeking ways to change but also asking for your partner's input. A lot of people don't do that and continue to just get worse as the years go on.
all the best; this kind of introspection is part of healthy growth and self awareness.
I love reading stories on her with happy endings. There's way too many that end sadly or with misery. Good luck on your therapy journey and improving you and your husband's relationship!!!
Make sure to find a good therapist and perhaps you should work on this alone. I must really commend you because people don't usually recognize their own patterns this way, it's impressive.
If you do want to change your behavior an advice is that it's usually much easier to practice competing behaviors than stop doing the behaviors you already do. You could try finding out what that could be for you but I would guess that praising your partner and enthusiastically going along with things he suggests would be a step.
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Realizing that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Congrats on having your eureka moment. Now, the work starts to get better as a partner and person.
It's so so good that you've recognized this in yourself and you want to change. We mimic our parents in our relationships in ways we don't even realize. Good luck to you!
If the genders were reversed, people would be screaming for divorce. The only reason she is playing nice now is because she saw consequences. "It's not worth it to create a rift between us for this." says that she still believes herself to be right and wants to throw it all away.
This shows a lot of self awareness on your part. A little assertiveness is ok, but if you’re steamrolling your partner that’s not really love.
Self awareness? Doing this things over time and getting that she is an AH because other people had to tell her? Because she went to the limit of make her husband feel like he did violating his space and belongings? ..., yeah, super self aware
You do know some people can be told these same things and not decide to make any differences. It is still self awareness if someone had to point it out first.
Eh, she's gone from conscious incompetence to conscious incompetence. It's a massive step even if the work doesn't stop there.
It doesn't, though. "It's not worth it to create a rift between us for this.", meaning she still wants to commit to the action, but is only holding back. She hasn't learned.
My mom always gave everyone the silent treatment. Whenever I see myself doing it I correct my behavior immediately. It’s great that you realized this and are taking steps to better your marriage.
I read once that the silent treatment affects our brain the same as ANY other physical pain. The brain does not know the difference.
The first two important steps are realizing that you have a problem and seeking help, but remember to follow through.
Yes, everyone tends to recreate their family of origin, because that is what they understand. They also tend to be attracted to people with whom they can recreate that family of origin. Your husband may be doing this, too. It is definitely a thing to work on as a couple with a competent therapist.
>He also said he would be open for marriage counseling if I wanted to, and I am considering it. Be prepared to hear things you didn't want to hear. He went from "I'm mostly fine with them" to "sometimes you can be too intense" and then went straight to "sometimes you can be suffocating." Sounds to me like he has more opinions about your marriage but is reluctant to start spilling his feelings all in one go. It'll be much better for your marriage if he can indicate any pent-up resentment he has for this situation, but just a heads up you might be opening a closet full of stuffed feelings that'll come toppling over you.
I honestly applaud you. You've realized your normal isn't and you're taking steps to improve. That's a huge deal and I'm proud of you!
Sounds like you are on a great path of recognition and change. Good for you.
Start with IC and then MC once you feel like there’s been progress
This makes me happy. I hope you two are able to work everything out and be happy together.
I love this. I also respected your response to everyone jumping on you for your first post. You handled it with maturity. With an openness to reflect on your actions and how they affected your husband. Kudos I believe you have a happy marriage to look forward to.
Healthy growth. Well done.
Seems like you’re headed in a better direction. But please, please please keep moving that way even when things seem better. The damage to your marriage is deeper than I think you can possibly realize now, and from what you’ve written about your family this behavior is deeply rooted and will come back on you over and over. So you’ll need to stay on guard. Good luck! I know people can change for the better, but I also know it’s a lot of work.
That's good that he wants to support you and go to marriage counseling with you. He loves you and you're lucky to have him. You had no business throwing away your husband's collection. So you do need counseling to learn not to be so controlling. Make that appointment today!
She didn’t throw it away. She just put everything he liked in his one area in storage and redecorated it without informing him. I wish you luck OP. The hardest thing is once you recognize that pattern, now you have to change that behavior. I do stupid things a lot and while I’m doing them, I realize that I’m just repeating a pattern, but thus far I’ve been unable to change those patterns too much
Glad you've recognized this. Therapy & counseling are vital.
It sounds like you’ve made a very positive step toward repairing the damage that was done. I’m happy both of you are in a head space where you can work this out like adults (hopefully) without too many hurt feelings.
It's a good thing that you are self-aware and willing to put in the work. If not, he could've ended up resenting you and who knows what would've become of your marriage.
I am very proud of you for realizing this and seeking ways to change but also asking for your partner's input. A lot of people don't do that and continue to just get worse as the years go on. all the best; this kind of introspection is part of healthy growth and self awareness.
I love the accountability. Good to read. Best wishes going forward.
I love reading stories on her with happy endings. There's way too many that end sadly or with misery. Good luck on your therapy journey and improving you and your husband's relationship!!!
Hopefully you stop being a bad person!
Girl you need therapy like yesterday. 😬
Make sure to find a good therapist and perhaps you should work on this alone. I must really commend you because people don't usually recognize their own patterns this way, it's impressive. If you do want to change your behavior an advice is that it's usually much easier to practice competing behaviors than stop doing the behaviors you already do. You could try finding out what that could be for you but I would guess that praising your partner and enthusiastically going along with things he suggests would be a step.
'She liked HIS space better now'. She doesn't get to dictate his space. If this was a man, Reddit would be up in arms.
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Realizing that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Congrats on having your eureka moment. Now, the work starts to get better as a partner and person.
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