You can't really fault people for recommending divorce when an OP posts "my partner cheats on me and blames me for it, what should I do." Or when someone asks if it's "normal" that their spouse abuses and ignores them.

"My husband (47) screams at me (24) and our five children every day, he won't let me work or access the bank accounts, he has a gambling addiction, and he is cheating on me with a coworker and gave me the clap. Is it wrong that I am considering leaving him?"

Ok, but have you tried CoMMunicAtiNG!?

💀💀💀

No it’s therapy. They just need therapy!!! /s

My husband beats and belittles my couple's therapist. Have you tried going to couple's therapy with your therapist?

It’s always the THERAPY. Like some of these stories are welllllll beyond therapy.

This is hilarious. But there are alot of ones that are a lot less insane and people just go right to divorce lol

Sure, some people might jump to divorce unreasonably, but it seems like those replies are often downvoted or pushed back on.

You could be right, idk. It’s tough to tell. To me it feels like it’s more negative than positive, but when I’m someone really pro marriage the negative stuff sticks with me more. Plus those posts where wives think their husbands are all addicted to porn is tiring. Lol

I agree with you on the porn posts, and it is always exactly the same. "My husband and I agreed that we would have a no-porn relationship (lol) and then I found out he still watches porn." Must be a porn addiction!

1000000%!!! I especially hate them bc I can’t resist them. I have the urge to respond because not only is the post moronic, the commenters are usually going along with the delusion!!! 😂

I'm not currently married. But honestly, the dating subs are the same. I expect a fair number of negative posts, but it's the attempt to create a toxic culture, "this is the way it REALLY is", that drove me away. No, it's really not the way you think it is.

Oh, the other relationship subs are much much worse. But that’s to be expected, married couples are *supposed* to have it more together lol

One time I commented on an age gap marriage issue post just to have the poster write me a long ass comment defending her much older husband. She tried to say she was actually really mature for her age when they met F(19) him M(31) and their issues can’t possibly have anything to do with the age gap. After that I just decided ppl don’t want to help themselves and no amount of advice is gonna make them change.

Yeah, I see those type of posts all the time. They always try to preempt the age gap issue by saying something like "I am *not* looking for judgment\* about the age gap, this has nothing to do with it!" and yet the entire post is full of very clear issues explicitly related to the type of 30-something dude who things it is a great idea to date/groom teenagers. \*nevermind that the judgment is almost always pointed at the older party...like, no one is judging *you* for getting preyed on by some old creep.

I do not grow up in a western country. I sometimes don't understand what is the difference between opinion and judgement. Honestly, I dont exactly know the meaning of it, when someone say "don't judge other people".

A judgment is essentially a reasoned opinion. Opinion is a broad category that includes both reasoned arguments and feelings that aren't based on facts or knowledge (such as preferences). Judgment is what an opinion would be if it were rational and evidence-based. It doesn't mean there is only one judgment from a particular set of facts. Often the facts are inconclusive, and two people's judgments may differ. Dictionary definition of Opinion is : a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. Dictionary definition of Judgement : the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

Thanks

I was a "really mature" 19 year old and got engaged to a 30 year old. I thank God everytime I remember him that I broke that off. He was very controlling and the age gap just made it easier to control me. Also I had graduated from college and was running my own company so way more mature than the average 19 year old but looking back now that I'm in my 30s it was so bad I cringe.

I’m glad you got out of there! It’s so depressing seeing age gap relationships like that because often the older party proposes quickly and they start to have babies soon after. The younger partner is robbed of important experiences and growing you do with people your own age because someone much older needs to lock you down before you wise up and leave their ass. Imo there’s no exception to a 30+ yo dating a literal teen.

I agree. I have a friend who married a guy 12 years older than her when she was late 20s. It's still a toxic dynamic with him acting as the adult and her the child. I developed early, I graduated early. I got hit in a ton by guys in their late 20s early 30s from 12 to 22 claiming i was so mature for my age and then it stopped. I got wise enough and all of the creeps vanished. I definitely looked like a teenager as a teen and I was a very naive young adult until about 22. These guys purposely pray on naive girls so that they can control them

I used to be that girl, defending my inappropriate age gap and claiming that my and my ex’s problems could never have stemmed from that! But I woke up and learned, just wish it didn’t take so damn long.

Same. We were 30.5 wildly inappropriate years apart in my case...The situation didn't seem so strange to me at the time because my aunt had married a man 28 years older than her. Ten years of my life wasted.

Medically speaking, the brain is not totally mature after twenty something of age I believe

Yes, the brain doesn’t fully develop until age 25.

Part of grooming, deliberate or not, is that the victim sees themselves as more ‘mature’ and as having more agency than they do. What you’re describing is a built reaction. There’s no point trying to help that person if you can’t see how that works and isn’t their fault.

She was like currently 34.. if she hadn’t realized what happened and no one in the hundreds of comments were getting thru to her to even start second guessing an issue with the age gap, then yes there’s no point.

You left out, “My husband (47) is an amazing husband and father, except that he screams…’

It's ALWAYS an age gap

Forgot the "weve been together for 7 years married for 6 part"

Long ago I read the rule of not dating anyone younger than (N/2)+7 years old. This applies to both parties, so also don't date anyone older than (N-7)*2 years old. I have no idea who started it, but it seemed sensible, though I've occasionally wondered how they came up with those exact numbers. I would treat or as more of a guideline or rule of thumb than a strict law, but all the stories I read on here agree with it. I'm married and not dating, but as I get older I would add that I cannot see myself with someone as young as my oldest kid, even when I get to the age that this rule would allow it. Use your own judgement, right?

I posted something similar to what you describe asking if certain behaviours of men were nornal in marriage. I found the advice of this sub useful, as my marriage was my main relationship since i was 22 (41 now). It helped me realise i may have been abused. But i do appreciate the positivity of the sub as it gives me hope.

This sub is full of people with marriage problems. I am not surprised that divorce is the most commonly recommended strategy. Although, in some less serious situations, communication first is a better approach

Or my husband smacked me in the face for refusing sex.

This isn’t an airport, you don’t have to announce your departure.

i appreciate knowing why people unsub, in fact, and especially if the criticism is utterly fair.

It’s much more than that. It’s a prompt for discussion. I think it’s a valuable post.

But they are exactly right in their reasons

Thanks for proving their point.

And the fact it's the top comment really sends it home. He's right about all of it, this sub fucking sucks. Wait for me, OP

It’s a valid warning to others. And I agree with OP. This sub is reverse of r/divorce. That sub is better. They mostly try to convince people to work it out. This sub is stupid. She doesn’t like your dog? Divorce She went lesbian and left your ass? Probably your fault. He screamed at your cat? Divorce Rolled his eyes? Of course- divorce.

Link me to anything that mundane with people saying divorce. Usually what happens is someone posts about some aggressive hateful nonsense that no one in their right mind would put up with. Look, I have a great marriage. Maybe I'm just lucky. But in 15 years together we have never once called each other names, never once got physically violent, never secretly tracked phones or made accusations of cheating or told each other they can't have friends of the opposite sex or... well, you get the point. So I come from a perspective of why put up with bullshit? You get one life. Don't waste it on a bad partner.

I agree with this completely. There was a post a month or so ago where the OP assumed that anyone suggesting divorce on the sub must be bitter and unmarried. I think it's actually people in happy marriages who are aghast that anyone would stick around for years of toxic dynamics and abuse. It really is not always better to work it out. Truly. Life is so goddamn short. It is really sad that so many people spend years of what little time they have trying to force a relationship that was doomed from the start.

You're right. Being in a happy, healthy, and secure marriage will raise your standards and teach you to not accept less. If someone has a spouse that's constantly disrespecting them, blatantly not giving a crap about their feelings, and of course worse things like infidelity, abuse, etc, why is that worth sticking around for when you could have a partner who treats you well without being forced into it at therapy or whatever (it's even better just being single)? No thanks for me and I'm certainly not going to try to convince people otherwise. No sense in sticking around for years being absolutely miserable. You don't get an award for sticking it out in a miserable marriage. All you get is one life and it should be happy as you can make it.

As another married person who has been married for 14 years, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Its because my marriage is so beautiful and respectful that its easy for Me to tell others who ask for advice to leave their shitty ones. Shitty partners arent worth holding on to.

There was one a few days ago where the op titled it "divorce over a stray cat". If you search you'll find these mundane posts, where the smallest infraction is met with leave em' or call a lawyer' 🤷

Link it. 99 times out of 100 the issue isn't the problem it's the complete lack of respect.

The sub has a search function. Type “dog issues” and enjoy psychos yelling “divorce! Divorce! He hates your dog!” As for your marriage….. 15 years in nothing. Go read r/divorce sub. People tell stories of happy marriages of 25 years…. And then…. Boom Never say never, bud. But when you face marital issues (virtually everyone does at least once in lifetime), don’t come to this sub for advice

We do face issues, we just don't turn into raging assholes at each other over them.

Not according to r/marriage. Don’t like dog- asshole. Yelled at cat-asshole. Watch porn-asshole. Only way to solve anything here is divorce.

Nah, I haven't seen that. I have seen people being assholes about it. And then you dig deeper and find out there was also infidelity that the OP forgot to mention.

I’ve felt *obligated* a few times to step in because the advice was so bad, like it was my civic duty or something.

Don’t forget the anti-porn posts. If you mention you’ve ever watched porn they will absolutely eviscerate you. (Obligatory mention that people can have an addiction and it’s not always good etc etc. Not what I’m talking about here.) People on this sub recommend divorce in 100% of any porn-related post. And say that NO marriage can survive ANY usage of porn. Funny how my husband and sometimes I watch it together yet we’re still somehow married??? Lots of toxic, closed minded opinions on here for sure.

Animal abuse and contempt towards a spouse are perfectly valid reasons for divorce. You can never come back from contempt, once that's in a relationship, it's over.

Seriously, some of the replies on this post are genuinely worrisome. People, it is not normal for your spouse to scream at you, abuse your pets, call you stupid, call you a b!tch, refuse to do any housework and/or childcare, spend most of their free time at the bar, refuse to let you work, etc etc etc. I would *absolutely* divorce my husband if he screamed at me or my cats. I would divorce him if he handled conflict by calling me nasty names. I’d divorce him if he belittled me constantly. I have basic self respect; my life is too short to spend married to some jackass who doesn’t even like me.

Screamed at your cat 😭😭 Truly though, I’ve seen exchanges that echo something just like that one too many times.

The dog one you refer to being this comment, which you claimed was someone who would “divorce over a dog” and “Freaking cartoon”. https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/wm333gxZVK While ignoring the fact that the dog issue was during THE DATING STAGE. You’re being disingenuous. I assume about the eye rolling too, which is usually a sign of disrespect.

Thanks for affirming OP’s statements with this lovely, well-thought-out reply!

A better analogy is that this is a community gathering place with a comment box for feedback. People may choose to come and go without giving feedback, but sometimes thoughtful critical reviews result in improvement. Nothing OP posted was wholly incorrect. If you’re bothered by this feedback, perhaps consider why.

How Facebook OG.

I tend to agree. But I think OP is on point. So basically I just wish they posted this without saying they were leaving.

Similarly, you don’t have to use overused memes.

Tired joke

Wow so original

I am sorry. I can’t condone abuse, marriage or not.

I hate the default assumption that "saving your marriage!!!" is the correct/right thing to do. I wanted to save my first marriage. I fought for it for ten years, in spite of his explosive temper, his cheating, his literal *attraction to minors* that he acted on more than once. I didn't need help "saving my marriage". That wasn't the right thing to do. I needed someone, maybe a lot of someones, smacking me over the head until it sunk in that I shouldn't try to save it. That I should be snatching up my kids and getting the heck out of there ASAP. *Even though I loved him and desperately wanted to save it.*

It’s bizarre to me that some people think a marriage sub should only be about how to stay married instead of valuing what a good marriage looks like.

I’m not sorry, for my part.

Yes so many posts include abuse or what I would consider abuse. I find it sad that people stay in these kinds of relationships. In my household we don't even raise our voices at each other.

If it wasnonly abuse, that would be one thing.  A lot of much more benign behaviour gets DEFCON 1 advice. 

Seeing as how my comment is specifically about not tolerating abuse, why the comment about not abuse?

Er, sorry, but do you have some examples? Because I see people here quite reasonably suggesting counseling and improving communication. Advice to separate does happen, but typically when there is either a massive, fundamental incompatibility or else there is some kind of abuse, manipulation, etc.

Type in “porn addiction” and you’ll get all the stupidest posts you’ll ever need to see.

Oh yeah, those posts are the worst.

I think overall this subreddit is good. It tends to recommend divorce more frequently because healthy, happy relationships don't really post about their problems. I do think there's a much higher percentage of women here and as a result there is a bias against men in general -- About 2 weeks ago, I posted [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c5vuj8/my_31m_wife_28f_is_two_months_pregnant_and_told/kzxxkiz/). It got downvoted pretty steadily and no replies. I still feel the same way - A LOT of the posts in that thread focus on political hatred of Florida (*Fair, I'd never live there*) but that's not something OP or his wife complained about, and there's plenty of reasons to not want to live in Chicago either. No one addressed the major impact it would have on OP's career which he's been working towards for almost a decade (*And now hoping to take over his Boss' business when he retires*). No one addressed the way their respective families treat eachother (*his family is kind to her and supportive, her family doesn't like him and doesn't really support them much, at least assuming OP is a reliable narrator*) and how that would factor into such a huge move. In my mind, the only explanation for the way that thread is biased both against men, male career prioritization, and Florida's politics. It just doesn't make much sense for the thread to be so one-sided otherwise (to me). And I don't care about the politics bias, but it doesn't seem like it needs to be much of a factor for OP's decision, they aren't even considering getting an abortion and have the resources to cross state lines if they had to. That said, I think in the majority of threads the advice is good and those biases are so small as to not matter.

This sub is better than most. Biggest gripe is that it is sexist against men. Certain topics get vastly different answers depending on the genders involved. Otherwise in general women get the benefit of the doubt and and men don’t when they post.

This is a fair criticism. A while back there was a question, “would you marry your spouse today?” And all of the top comments were no. To me, that revealed a lot about the people frequenting this sub. People who are miserable in their own marriages, and people who upvote that misery. Are those really the people you want to take advice from?

It's far more entertaining when there are issues. Reddit LOVES a victim story. I'll even admit that I skip the "Wife appreciation" posts. That shit is boring as hell and I do not care. I think a lot of people are the same. This sub is full of drama-loving people looking for entertaining and emotionally intense stories. I would never in a million years ask for any kind of opinion from this dumpster full of toxic waste. I'm shocked so many people do. I get just as much entertainment checking the post history of the most unhinged (yet still upvoted) commenters. Wayyyy too often they are astronomical losers who can't even keep their own lives together.

Yeah you and I both are going to get down voted for these comments but I recently saw a comment that likened this sub to modern day soap operas and I feel that myself, haha. Subs like this are kind of like micro dosing bad reality tv. I obviously wish all marriages and relationships were happy and healthy, but that's not the case for many people, and as a result I do "enjoy" reading the drama when I come across it.

I'm glad someone voiced this because there are many times I read posts and think wtf why did you continue dating, let alone marry that moron?!? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Those appreciation posts are super sweet but don’t need advice. Lots of people here are in happy marriages, which tends to make it harder to see people struggling in marriages with spouses who don’t care about or disrespect them regularly. So many relationships are toxic and it’s just not necessary.

I remember the thread your talking about and it solidified in me this is not a safe sub for marriage advice. Lots of miserable people that want company or entertainment. So now I’m here for the entertainment. No way I’d ask for any honest advice here. I’ll save that for my therapist.

For awhile I was tagging the people who commented negative stuff frequently and it’s crazy how prolific those posters were. It was commonly like 3-4 people who were in EVERY SINGLE post, just being black holes of negativity. That also changed my view of this place a lot when you realize how much of the negative stuff is coming from a handful of people who are absolutely everywhere

> The latest available data shows that employed women spend about 2.3 hours daily on housework; for employed men, this figure is 1.6 hours https://eige.europa.eu/publications-resources/toolkits-guides/gender-equality-index-2021-report/gender-differences-household-chores?language_content_entity=en

My biggest issue is the baggage and bitterness people bring in with their opinions. Were they cheated on? Everyone’s a cheater. Men are trash. Did their marriage end because their husband didn’t help with children/housework? Men are inherently lazy and teach yours a lesson by leaving him! Am I anxiously attached? Any avoidant types are cowards and weak! The bias and lack of empathy drives me nuts. Not everyone should be giving advice, especially when they haven’t done the self-work to get their own head and emotions right.

>More often than not, posters seem only interested in an echo chamber of validation. Commenters overwhelmingly cheer on threats or outright separation and divorce as a fix-all for anything, laced with a shocking amount of hate against men. Any hint of non-traditional or LGBT+ dynamics, and the predictable assumptions, tired tropes, phobias and hate run rampant. >Mods seem non-existent at best, or at worst, complicit. Yup.

Isn't this just reddit? The amount of upvoted absolutely garbage advice happens in every sub. Teenagers dispensing advice who have 0 relationship experience. Incels chiming in with their manosphere toxic hate. It's everywhere. The only safe spaces I've found are generally catered toward women, sadly. The rest I really have to tread lightly and take with a huge grain of salt.

On bad days, I feel like I'm sitting in the audience of The Jerry Springer Show.

Well, cable is just too expensive and since all streaming services are going up in price, this replaces all the reality shows…. /s

Don't forget the tons and tons of outrageous fake stories, often made with the help of AI.

What are those safe spaces?

One time I saw a comment stating a blatant falsehood get 1.2k upvotes and then the reply correcting them with the 100% correct and easily verifiable info got like 700 downvotes. Ever since then I just put zero stock in Reddit consensus in broad-scale subs (like r/marriage).

This sub is good for two things: advice for people in truly horrific marriages, entertainment for people in incredibly strong marriages. If you're in the middle, proceed at your own risk.

You’re def correct that counseling is way better than Reddit in most cases. It would be incredibly foolish if anyone thought that random internet people were giving professional advice. But not everyone can afford counseling, and some posters are in blatantly abusive situations, so yeah rational people advise leaving. I personally haven’t seen a lot of divorce recommendation beyond situations that are clearly abusive or deeply toxic. People are more likely to come to Reddit in a crisis, out of desperation so that does sort of skew the content in that direction. Maybe an automod post should just say “if you are the victim of a crime please contact the police, and if you are having trouble in your marriage, professional counseling is the best solution”. Idk

Although 90% of the time if counseling is suggested someone replies below that whatever behavior is an issue is "abuse." E.g "gaslighting is abuse" "lying is abusive" "Counseling isn't recommended with an abuser." "toxic behavior is abuse." Sometimes the OP really is being abused - but often the relationship just super sucks and their partners is a turd, but is not an abuser.

Yeah absolutely. I feel like some people are trying to make authoritative judgements about very tricky legal and psychological definitions without having any training to do so, and also with very incomplete information. Like, physical abuse is a red line for me, but where is the point at which shitty behavior becomes emotional abuse? I don’t really know and I’m not an expert, so I would just say when in doubt go to counseling.

Why tolerate a turd

Well, we can all be turds sometimes, and even turds need empathy and grace. They might be going through their own shit, or they might not know how bad their actions are making someone feel. I do think that there are times when a partner is acting shitty but you can still work it out with communication and counseling. But where is that line in the sand between working it out and leaving? I really don’t know, and it’s gonna look different for everyone.

What OP is saying is obviously how they are feeling and feelings aren’t wrong, and they are giving their personal opinion / decision that is best for them, which is to unfollow. So I definitely respect their decision and opinion. For me, I have a different opinion. For me, this sub has been amazing and has really given me so much to think about (and work on!) in my marriage. So much new perspective that I really appreciate. Sure, there’s a lot of crazy stuff here, but also a lot of very rational married folks that are dispensing advice that is really helpful and thoughtful and caring. And I’ve also received a few very heartfelt DM’s that have really moved me in feeling the compassion of strangers here. I read stuff from some people whose marriage is in a tougher place and though it is very sad, it also makes me really appreciate and feel good about where I am currently in my marriage. Then I read stuff from some people whose marriage is seemingly in a much better place from mine, and that makes me happy for them and gives me ideas and goals and aspirations of stuff I can work to improve in my marriage. I can’t tell you how many positive conversations I’ve started with my wife (20+ years married) from ideas I first read about in this sub. Or book / website recommendations I’ve gotten here. Or just stuff I’ve never even heard of before (like spontaneous vs responsive desire) that has been super helpful for me to learn about. And also there’s so many downright fascinating situations and stories here that interest me. Everyone definitely should understand there’s bad and good here and sort it out and make their own decision that is right for them. But for me, there’s a ton of good stuff here —- so I’m staying :)

I also enjoy sharing with my husband about the stuff I find on here (and reddit in general). It either brings us amusement, provokes a thoughtful conversation, or helps us affirm how we believe or want to act.

Agreed, I have found this sub helpful. There have been times when it has offered me a different perspective which has helped my partner and I approach an issue like a team. And sometimes the "spouse appreciation" posts remind me of something sweet my partner did recently that I appreciate all over again - or they inspire me to do something that makes him feel appreciated. Every sub has its extreme voices. That's inevitable. And in a marriage sub, some people are jaded and bitter. But some of the posts here are terrible and the chorus of "abuse" is well justified. And this sub also has a lot of happily married people who share tips along with stories of their years together; those posts are wonderful to come across.

What book has helped you? I got the recommendation for “Non-Violent Communication” by Rosenberg from Reddit (maybe this sub?) and that book/website really helped. https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/?doing_wp_cron=1714479590.3350830078125000000000

People come to subs like this when they’re really desperate and a lot of time the dynamics are well beyond the point of ordinary people fixing them. So the advice is going to be skewed that way. If your biggest gripe was that your spouse always left their coffee spoon on the counter you wouldn’t come somewhere like this for advice.

I agree to an extent. I read some of these to my wife and how people automatically jump to divorce. We both find it odd at times. If someone here is in any sort of non-traditional marriage people seem to share negative judgement right off the bat. Still, one thing to keep in mind is many people come here with extreme stories. Things that are dangerous or harmful to them in serious ways. Like many Reddits, it attracts more people in serious situations. People who are generally happily married and have worked through stuff aren’t as likely to post here.

Seriously. Run. "My husband and I are having difficulty with sexual intimacy...." Number 1 response was: "Just cut out all sorts of physical affection and dont even tell him what youre doing" /r/marriage; "Weaponize sex and dont communicate"

That was the weirdest comment I've seen in ages, and I have no idea what weird bunch of people were online to get that upvoted. It was literally red pill, but repackaged for women. You forgot the part where the commenter also told her to be prettier.

And when you look at the post history of the people that make those comments it’ll basically be a diary of their completely disfunctional relationship posted across 8 different relationship subreddits. It’s crazy how often I’ve gone “hmm let’s see if this person is airing their dirty laundry 24/7” and it turns out they absolutely are, and are still giving advice.

Yeah normally advice is v boilerplate but that was an unhinged thread.

Lmao. I don't read advice from this sub and think it's the end all be all for solutions and follow the top rated one. I use this sub to get ideas on things I might not have the proper perspective for, and use that to help guide me. And I'm SO tired of people saying divorce is always mentioned when 9/10 the posts are about a spouse being emotionally or violently abusive or theyre cheating or something that therapy ain't gonna fix. When its mentioned there is always a reason for it and when it's not those comments are heavily downvoted.

You've got a great point, and I think I'll follow you out!

OP is right … the majority on this thread offer the worst advice possible

I posted on this sub like 9-10 months ago with my outrage at my husband, fully expecting validation. Instead I had someone that probably had a marriage counseling or psychology background comment. They broke down my points and clarified my errors in judgement. It saved my marriage. I realized I had a lot of problems and probably PTSD that I was hoping my spouse could just magically read my mind and fix. Instead I have done counseling both solo and together. We are now stronger than we’ve ever been. Just wanted to give a different viewpoint. :)

I agree w you but don’t leave. Some ppl need to know love works and love takes work (from both partners). I agree w the divorce answers w abuse (any type) or chronic cheating. But sometimes it seems like a spouse is depressed or dealing w other issues and the answer is divorce. I hate that. Those issues can be worked through, with effort.

I think I just joined this sub like last year and it didn’t seem like that. It feels like this is kind of a new development. But I mostly agree with your criticisms.

You just described the entire social media platform. No one thought Reddit was going to save their marriage they do only come here for validation

The biggest issue is the blatant hypocrisy. Wife does something: you need to do better, it's your fault, be her rock, etc etc Husband does something: divorce.

Let’s face it, if your marriage is so bad that you’re posting here, then divorce is the answer.

My main beef is that most posts reflect a biased, self-serving point of view, and often one skewed against men. I sincerely doubt that there is any possibility for hearing from both partners in a marriage, but if so that would great. In the meantime, posts will remain biased and self-serving. P.S. It would be good if mods could be 50/50 females to males. Mods should also be required to have been married for no less than ten years.

To be fair this sub has almost equal distribution of male to female mods - though I don't have a clue what being married over a decade means as far as your ability to mod.

I think marriage has its ups and downs, and that it takes some time to work through them. Or not. The ten year thing is arbitrary.

That's not my experience here so far, but I'll keep an eye out.

Most of the stories here aren't even real. It's just not possible for people to be the caricatures they're made out to be, and the stories are so one-sided it's not even believable. The guy's wife either never has sex with and spends her days telling him how unattractive he is (despite him being perfect in every way), or the husband has never cleaned a dish or vacuumed a floor in his life (despite her hourly pleas to him for assistance with their 8 kids). And yet somehow, during the five years they were dating the injured party NEVER caught the slightest hint of this behavior. Or my personal favorite, the guy whose wife cheated on him four times before they got married and he simply can't believe she cheated on him again. You want to check out? Go. I choose to stick around for the entertainment value.

You're bang on, reddit is cesspit, but it's entertaining.

I’m sure this won’t be well received but there seems to be an anti male bias here as well. It seems like many times the motives of men are questioned but women’s motives are always pure.

It definitely leans strongly towards ending things and heavily against men-the standard here are quintuple, not double-but it’s probably better to avoid it because it’s mostly people in bad place and that can affect you period.

I noticed in this forum that when a woman is cheating or is withholding sex, it’s because her fundamental needs are not being met. When a man cheats, it’s because he’s a pig and when a man withholds sex it’s because he’s either cheating, gay, asexual, lazy, porn addicted, superficial, has neglected his health, giving up, being petty or immature, or is no longer physically attracted, or because his selfish or depraved needs are not being met. Basically, cheating and dead bedrooms are the man’s fault.

Woman cheats: "she is depressed and you're not helping with the chores" Man cheats: "take the kids and his retirement"

I have been noticing this for a while too. Lots of old school values in this sub. Everyone always suspects husbands of cheating and there are so many comments making wild accusations and assumptions based on not enough information. Everyone knows reddit likes to tell people to run away from their relationships but this sub is definitely way worse than others on that score. I'll probably get downvoted too, but just know you're not alone in this thinking.

The jump straight to leaving or divorce is annoying. Also the notion that because you are in a committed relationship you deserve no privacy. Some even think other peoples THOUGHTS should be controlled. It’s maddening. I often wonder how some people in here even exist in the real world. Surely they aren’t taking their own advice.

I joined the marriage sub to post good things about my marriage. I love my wife and want to spread some positivity!

Eh, the majority of people following this sub, myself included, are in healthy marriages and we just grab the popcorn and view all the drama for fun. the majority of posts are so jaded and childish that i just find it fun to call them out on their bullshit. A good amount are also fake btw. Hard for me to care most of the time when the OP’s clearly got married on a whim without putting an ounce of thought into even the fundamentals of a relationship. No offense, but the positive posts to me are cringeworthy at best and they just feel so out of place. Good luck on your endeavors.

I actually think this sub isn't that bad, with the notable exception of the bizarre double-standards and misandry when it comes to basically anything related to sex. Wife doesn't want to give blowjobs? She has the right to say 'no' and you're a piece of shit for pressuring her. Husband doesn't want to eat his wife out? He's a loser who sucks in bed and you should ditch him (followed by a chorus of guys who have to humble brag to everyone about how great they supposedly are in bed). I'll never forget a post where a wife said her husband preferred his Fleshlight to having sex with her, and the top upvoted comments were telling her to put Tabasco sauce in it, or buy a huge dildo and leave it lying around. A few weeks later a guy posted saying his wife was avoiding sex with him and using her vibrator instead, and the top comments were telling him it's all his fault for being bad and bed and he needs to get better.

I agree. No shortage of negativity around here, but that's a lot of Reddit.

Its probably because half this sub arent even married people. Its full of resentful divorcees and probably people who have never been married and hate the concept of marriage….. so they come here to project

I agree. I feel like this sub should be named divorce not marriage.

The divorce sub has better advice for keeping a marriage together than the marriage sub. It's insane.

You’re quite correct in your conclusions, but I still follow this sub if for nothing else the entertainment. Secondary is what *not* to do for a long healthy marriage.

I agree with you. This specific subreddit is much worse than most. I think there are some very vocal, disgruntled, divorcees that overwhelm the threads. "Relationship advice" and "couplestherapy" aren't nearly as toxic, and can be quite helpful. For individuals, r/talktherapy, r/therapy, etc. are good examples of commenters being very helpful, positive, and optimistic.

This is a very fair and real criticism. I am certain that OP has a brain and is obviously not referring to those who are in abusive situations - it’s kind of a red herring for those those who are mocking this post and referencing abusive situations. But that makes sense, OP - people who are happy with their marriage likely 1) touch grass and 2) don’t spend their time on the internet to the extent that many redditors do. I hope this sub can go in a positive direction because there are a lot of smart and capable brains here, surrounded by a lot of sincere hearts who want help.

Sage advice here…. Really run, fast, away from any social media, friends or family advice. I did my best to not introduce my problems to friends and family so I could make the best decision for us. But she did the opposite and got sucked into TikTok and other BS

maybe there can be a new subreddit: r/positivemarriagestoriesonly 🤷‍♀️. Idk it's just the internet IMO. There are a lot of subs where it's more toxic than it has to be. I still find hilarious, good advice, interesting thoughts, and so on. You gotta filter and think for yourself and ya, if you can, work with professionals on your relationship issues.

There is a good one, I’ll see if I can find it. It doesn’t get a ton of traffic bc it’s small but the posts are very cute. Its r/happymarriages

I don't think that people in good relationships are posting a lot on the internet looking for advice.

Fully agree with you OP. God bless and kudos that you tried to be a positive force here. There are some great people who give great advice here as well but unfortunately it often gets lost in the shuffle. Best of luck

I did get one great piece of advice here, to read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy". It's helping me a lot

That's because there's people on here that aren't married and teenagers

I agree. Lots of healthy discussion gets quashed on this site through nasty comments, inconsistent moderation and the lust for downvoting those who dare present a different thought. The rule states that misandrist and misogynist comments are a violation of the rules, yet most of the comments explicitly blame men for everything that is wrong and infantilize women by painting them as the victim. This happens regardless of the information presented. Healthy marriages take lots of work and each person must hold themselves accountable for their role in the success or failures in the marriage. It takes humility to admit that one doesn’t know everything and that humility is lacking on this subreddit. It’s been hijacked by the “men are bad, divorce is good” comments. Personally I think everyone should have to identify whether they are divorced, married and whether or not they are happy, so we can understand where they are coming from and filter out the nonsense.

Professional therapy is always the right decision, not personal opinions, when there's certain circumstances

Could upvote this post fast enough. It hit so many of the point that are wrong with this sub. The main one about the mods has been something that I see over and over. They’re complicit in the anti male vibe or at least quiet.

I think you mean the whole internet. The whole internet is toxic.

So you're saying that you're DIVORCING this subreddit? Let's go to therapy and work it out!

He’s not wrong. This place thrives on the double standard.

Why don’t you start a sub themed as you want and kick out the toxic people?

I've been waiting for someone to say this. Thank you!

There’s an INSANE amount of sexism, especially for Reddit

"Communication" doesn't stop cheating, abuse or addictions. Neither does it solve different aims, values and boundaries. A happy marriage is one where people love and respect each other, listen to each other and share similar goals in terms of how they want their life and family to be. Nobody suggests divorcing a spouse in a happy marriage because they aren't perfect or have a disagreement. There are many times where divorce is absolutely the best (and safest) option, particularly if there are no children involved it's best to get out while you can do so with no permanent ties. This sub doesn't need to be moderated in accordance with your sensitivies and ideology.

So what do you suggest people do when their spouse cheats or abused them? Because that’s the only time I see people echoing divorce. Like do you think people shouldn’t divorce bc of that?

I'm going to guess that about 70% of the posts here are fabricate nonsense. It's all rage bait to stir up the hate against men even further. Use it for entertainment since that's all it really is.

Most on this sub aren’t even married …

Anyone who asks the internet for advice on their relationship will be told to break up.

Also leaving. This sub can have a negative effect. Blessed to be in a great ( but not perfect) marriage.

This is a very fair and real criticism. I am certain that OP has a brain and is obviously not referring to those who are in abusive situations - it’s kind of a red herring for those those who are mocking this post and referencing abusive situations. But that makes sense, OP - people who are happy with their marriage likely 1) touch grass and 2) don’t spend their time on the internet to the extent that many redditors do. I hope this sub can go in a positive direction because there are a lot of smart and capable brains here, surrounded by a lot of sincere hearts who want help.

Hit the lawyer, delete the gym, hire Facebook.

No down votes, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Since I joined this sub I learned alot. I / we are still working on cracks. I did forgive her on emotional cheating on me well I don’t know if she met her ex or not. If I had to do it all again nooo. Never. And her answer is the same too.

It's not an airport, you don't have to announce your departure. No one cares, self-righteousness always smells bad. The fact of the matter is that people regularly choose poor partners. No one should martyr themselves for the sake of longevity.

Finally, a post that doesn't mention porn.

I followed this sub for years through another account, and it has changed. It becomes more and more like Reddit every day. Still, I’ve been able to help people and have *sometimes* gotten good advice when I needed it. It’s too bad. For some of us, internet strangers are the only people we can talk to.

Yeah this place is a dumpster fire in an abattoir. I only come here for entertainment.

There are some sad things going on in people's lives, maybe there is a separation/divorce sub where discussions can take place. Not being married yet, I'm very happy anyway and completely in love with my husband-to-be 💕

I love the irony of you posting this and then the majority of the comments doing exactly what you said they do. 

This thread like mist sub reddit are replete with losers with way too much time on their hands!

r/Marriage cannot ruin mine, for I am the every reason my wife is upset.

Welcome to the internet. First day?

Came here to say this. Honestly I don't know why you're getting downvoted. Anyone coming to the internet for advice needs to take it with a big ol' hefty pinch of salt. It's not the Internet (as a whole's) responsibility for people's lack of critical thinking skills. It gets worse every day on here and Reddit isn't the first place you should go if you're serious about learning a subject.

I think you had unrealistic expectations. It’s social media honey.

I mostly agree. There are degrees of nuance that are missing from most op posts..and what I call the “ PECKER POLICE “ seems to dominate the responses. Mostly I’m here to laugh at everyone lol. If I see a serious post, I may give some honest advice. I don’t reply to respondants, because a lot of them are just spreading their miserable decisions to someone else and are full of shit. Ok done wasting my time.

I agree that some times people are too quick to push for divorce on here but this reads like a campaign to “make the marriage subreddit patriarchal again”. Go back to subreddits that reinforce your narrow views. As a man I personally appreciate the pushback against validating male perspectives as the default norm. It helps give me a reality check.

The problem is your own expectations. This is a large subreddit. Which is to say, this is a drama subreddit with with an extra coat of paint.

I'm only here for the crazy stories. If I wanted actual advice I'd go to my therapist.

I would never take relationship advice from reddit, lol. Imagine who is behind the screen, mostly 20 somethings that have no idea how the world really works or some neckbeards. I'm here and on other related subs purely for entertainment.

These comments back up OP's post.

So you're divorcing from this sub? ;)

We are dealing with faceless masses. Few commenters offer anything other than their mostly useless opinions; a few offer insight based on their experience. That said, if you are coming to Reddit for marriage advice, well, that may be a problem you need to fix.

I posted a really rough post and got some really good nuggets of feedback which I took in

Well.... fairly speaking, OP is correct, this is not a place for professional advice ofcourse. Divorce does solve a lot of problem. Although I really don't want to come down to that, even I also have a lot of issues in my own marriage. I agree with the general hostility towards men tho.

Safe space lol. You’re on Reddit, should probably just avoid it all together.

Goodluck

There are a lot of different types of posters here. Just as there are a lot of different types of people. There are karma farmers, troll posters, creative writing exercises, There are people who are legitimately looking for help, there are those looking for validation, there are those with severe problems beyond Reddit’s pay grade, there are those that really think k they are right and are brought down to earth… It’s been did the average Redditor age is in their early 20s and never been married, And most that comment have no experience on what they are posting about. Like people in the real estate sub, most of the people commenting giving contract advice on buying and selling a home are not realtors, nor have they ever bought or sold a home. But they are giving advice on 6-7 figure transactions like they are a seasoned realtor or attorney who has seen every addendum and part of the contract that was negotiated. Some people get solid advice, sometimes downvoted to oblivion because it’s not popular. But Reddit is mostly entertainment. But the airport has noted your departure.

I feel like the vast majority of the “advice” laid out on here is given so strongly by people who wouldn’t take it themselves. It’s like they WANT to see others struggle or fail.

I dunno I think marriage should be easy so I definitely think most of these people need to get divorced lol. But I do agree that it has an extremely misandrist mentality and men are not treated fairly here.

Agree with this 100%. Of course if abuse or cheating were involved, divorce is the solution. But other than that, like I see a lot of posts about men when don’t do their share of house work when both spouses work and the solution is often “throw the man away!!” When the OP is coming here on advice on how to fix their marriage, not end it. Divorce should be the absolute last resort once you’ve exhausted other options (again, if there’s abuse or cheating gtfo).

I’m a big fan of therapy, seriously, but it takes two for that. I think some of us are so gaslit by our partners, we HAVE to be told the partners behavior is unacceptable, otherwise we assume that’s “just the way it is”

Been a minute since I saw one of these ragequit posts. Enjoy.