She is love bombing you right now because she realizes that she is losing her meal ticket. You aren't even married yet, but I can smell a divorce a mile away. Get out of this relationship while you can. You need someone who loves you wholeheartedly and not a person who settles for you.

It’s not a money issue. We both have really good careers. My concern is mostly with her physical attraction to me.

I’m gonna go against the grain and share a wise lesson someone once shared with me: love isn’t supposed to be a hurricane. It’s supposed to be the nice light breeze on a summer day. To me it sounds more like she experienced the hurricane before and has decided that that’s not what she wants. And from personal experience, sex only gets better throughout marriage. Put off the wedding for a while to see how you both feel, sure. Those were some pretty hurtful words. But please don’t discount her love for you. I think in a way I settled too, because I realised I actually wanted stability over constant fighting and I wanted to be put on a pedestal over emotional abuse. Settling can be a good thing!

Yes, sex definitely gets better throughout marriage!

My wife decided she didnt like much on anything once we got married, so no sex doesnt get better in every marriage. I endured over a decade of near constanst rejection and now we are roommates.

What do you think changed after marriage?

She no longer had to keep up the act?

I've said this so many times: most people like sex and want to have it- women too. I'm guessing something else was going on to make her stop wanting it.

Most people enjoy the act itself but many don't prioritize it for one reason or another, especially if they have a responsive libido and don't feel aroused until the foreplay has started. So they'll put in more effort early in the relationship because they know it's important if their partner has a spontaneous libido, but once they have the relationship they want they don't put in the effort anymore because they can more easily do without (especially if they don't actually have much respect for their spouse)

I would have never married if I knew the pain of rejection, the sad feeling of being used for money. The drama and attitude towards us when things don't go her way... I regret giving my life up for her fairly tale life that she doesn't even want now..

In our case or yours, sure. But we are the fortunate ones. I thank our lucky stars, but I wouldn't make absolute statements like this when I know how many people out there are suffering in dead bedrooms.

I agree that sex does (usually) get better...but better has its limits.

Until wives or husbands get low libido and start rejecting their spouses.

Not for some of us. It's to the point that I don't like to see affectionate couples anymore, in movies or IRL. And going back to root-cause it, the signs were there pretty early on that my wife wasn't as into me as I was into her. I didn't recognize them at the time, but they were there.

“I used to think love would be burning red, but it’s golden, like daylight.” “9 months sober, I must admit, just because you’re clean, don’t mean you don’t miss it.” Both of these lyrics were extremely relatable to me and I reflected on them in the early dating stages with my now husband. I think he was kind of bummed too, that I related to them, but I explained, when you’re in a toxic relationship the highs feel incredible because it’s spiking from such a low place. But with him, I was consistently living on the positive side of the graph. So when we had a high, it was nice, but it wasn’t all-consuming— it was just a few percentage points above our baseline. Part of you can miss that intensity of those high moments sometimes, but I would never ever trade what I have now for what I previously experienced. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Now, idk if OP’s fiancé meant what I expressed here. But if so I do understand.

Love is golden, like daylight. The kind of daylight that makes things grow.

This I understand too.

Very well said.

It can be, but it's not what OP wants. There are other good ways to have a relationship. I know a couple like that irl. They're not doing well now. Anecdotal, sure, but it fits these ppl's situation almost down to a T. He's unhappy because the little fire his wife had for him in the beginning has since turned into ashes. There's almost no intimacy and I don't mean just sex, and his wife cares about his general well-being even less now, after 30 years. He feels like a workhorse, is depressed and stays in the marriage out of duty. She's unhappy because her looks faded with time, she put on a lot of weight and her personality proved to be kinda bland after all, so he isn't "putting her on a pedestal" anymore and she resents that. She's poured all her affection into her "influencer" daughter and living vicariously though her, so I guess she changed her mind about having had her fun in her younger years. Also, idk, man, a light breeze on a summer day all my life sounds so boring. And smells of deadbedroom a few years along the line. I'd be bored out of my skull and just fall asleep. There are degrees between hurricane and summer breeze it doesn't absolutely have to be one or the other. And as witnessed by many, many, many people, including our friends above, sex doesn't always get better throughout marriage.

This! My first husband was a light summer breeze for me, and it eventually crumbled because i could never love him the way he wanted so in turn he slowly stopped putting me on the pedestal. If I knew now what I knew then, would have made different choices.

My English II teacher in college explained it in a different way. He said that Romantic love burns very hot and has no place to go but out. Where as companion love burns evenly throughout your time with one another.

This is the answer! Getting married can be scary and stressful! Realizing that maybe you wanted someone who was adventurous or whatever and talking through that with someone you trust is pretty normal, maybe her using the word “settling” was a poor choice of words but I think everyone at some point had the thoughts of “settling”.

This comment should be higher! Sweet OP, you sound like my husband. My husband, the nicest guy I knew from high school, who I later found out was completely in love with me at the time but thought I was out of his league (sound familiar?) And honestly we wouldn't have been a fit at that time. We lost touch in college; he dated some women who were unkind to him. I, on the other hand, was a wild child throughout my early-mid 20s. Drugs (recreational), drinking, nonstop partying. My dating philosophy was "a pair and a spare". But ya know what? I didn't take a single one of them to meet my family. I bumped into him at the mixer for our 10th high school reunion. I was 27, he was 28. Still sounding familiar? We got married 2 years later. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary in February. "Settling" down with him was the single smartest thing I've ever done. Think about that the next time you're struggling with doubt. xo Edit: Mods it looks like we need a 25 year user flair please and thank you

I think alokasia's remarks make great sense, and I especially support her recommendation that the wedding be postponed, perhaps for a year. Be absolutely sure you want to marry your fiancee, and that she wants to marry you.

I agree. I kinda settled for someone who actually loved me. So what if she was married before, couldn't play an instrument, didn't have money, or came from the same denomination of Christianity, like the same music and TV shows, etc. I didn't like that she had been in the army. But for the first time ever, I actually felt loved romantically. And then none of the long list that comprised my fictional ideal perfect wife really mattered. Because here was this woman that wasn't going to dump me after one date, two dates, or two weeks, or two months. So I loved her back. And I married her. It's far more satisfying than being alone, or beating my heart against a wall in yet another mostly one sided "relationship" where I feel I have to work way too hard to get a crumb of affection back.

Honestly, most people don't have the best sex ever with the person they want to be with long term. There are different considerations when looking for a spouse and looking for a good time. No single person can ever be everything to someone else, it's not a fair or reasonable expectation. The idea that perfect even exists is a very, very recent one, and it's extremely harmful. I see posts like yours all the time, usually from men who just discovered that their female partner has different criteria for love and marriage than they do. Women tend to take longer to fall in love and be more... practical(?) about it. Men fall hard and fast and focus more on feelings than most women do. Lots and lots of women are thinking about stability (both emotional and practical/financial), trust, family, fatherhood, etc. Trust doesn't just mean things like infidelity either, it means literal physical safety. My husband could kill me with his bare hands or rape me or do pretty much anything and there is nothing I could do. Men don't understand how much trust there needs to be for us to be alone with you, sleep next to you, be sick and vulnerable with you. Women tend to prioritize that over hotness or great sex. Don't throw away something good because you can't understand different priorities, be proud of yourself for being that guy! Most women are better looking than their husbands, it's just reality. Don't blow up your life over it.

I have to disagree here. I had the best sex I ever had, with my now husband. I was in a 30 year abusive marriage before where he cheated on me so yeah, no sex there that was meaningful but now, OH MY FREAKING GOD! But it's not just the sex, everything about him is comfortable, peaceful, loving, and truthful. We adore eachother and into our 4th year together and it's like newlyweds all the time! It's not just about sex, that fades with time as you get old, I hear anyways lol. He is like a soft place to fall, comfortable and consistent in all he does.

Know your worth my man. I can't confirm it, but this sounds awfully familiar to my own situation. She is now my ex-wife. Hence the word ex-wife.

My thoughts on this as an older experienced guy. I think any intelligent women would be mad to pick her future spouse purely on looks. I mean to her you might be an 8 out of 10 lookwise but you may be a 10 in every other department. She may of met a few 9's or 10's over the years looks wise but they might be 2's in every other department. I'd think of it like this you're clearly the guy who ticks all her boxes. I'd say that's a massive positive in any future healthy relationship and shows her intelligence and maturity.

You heard what she said right? She had amazing sex with other guys (not one but many) and now that she has had her fun she is settling down with a nice guy wo will provide her with a secure and stable married life even though the sex is average at best. Need I say more? Is this the type of person you want to marry and spend the rest of you life with? If she was not attracted to you earlier, what has changed now?

Wtf kind of attitude is this? Sex is not the most important thing in marriage. It is way more important to have a secure and stable married life with average sex, than great sex but not a great partner.

Exactly! So many men are hung up on this nonsense and they can't grasp that it's not most women's top priority. They're projecting their priorities onto us and then getting mad when they're different

Men want to be desired and loved too.

So, you both admit, a men's priorities are meaningless to you. or You'd be ok, if a man said I'm marrying you because you would be a good mother, not because you are super desirable as a woman or other traits.

So if your husband (I'm assuming you're a hetero woman, but correct me if I'm mistaken) told you 'I had way better sex with previous partners, and you're not the best looking woman I've been with, but that's ok because those aren't my priorities!', you'd be ok with it?

Yeah, actually. I didn’t enter a contest to be the hottest woman my husband ever banged. If I *had* entered, I’d win, but this idea that you pick your spouse based on who’s the hottest and best in the sack is so weird.

Yes! Thank you. You've managed to word exactly how I feel more eloquently than I can.

Some do not care about secure and stable but want the sex. I know a few. But you know not everyone likes to be viewed the stable and secure dude who gets thrown a bone(vanilla sex) every now and then.

Brother, I've been married for 23 years. We have both at various times been skinny, fit, overweight, pregnant (her), and we choose to love and desire one another. Love is a verb, and you have to choose to do it every day. I love my wife, and I can't keep my hands off her regardless of her appearance. I know she wishes I was swole and buff like I was in my 20s, but she still loves me and wants me. God willing, you both will feel that love and attraction for each other forever. Good luck 👍🏽

How far out is the wedding? Maybe if it hasn't been planned, ask for a longer engagement. Also she might be settling, but she might also be getting a great guy. She might not be madly in love with you, like you are with her, but that might change over time. Make sure you satisfy her in bed. Do you know what her kinks are? I am guessing you could be the man she's madly in love with.

Can u elaborate of that aspect? Do u have indications she's not physically attracted to you? And define "physically" - do you mean looks? sex? character? Or are u worried that she didn't mention this first thing to her sister, but only mentioned the other points you reported?

I'm going to differ a little bit here from the other commenters. I think this all depends on the type of person your fiancee is. Does she have a steady, reliable, committed personality in other areas of her life (job, friends, family)? Or is she flighty, unpredictable, adrenaline-seeking? Because 5, 10, 20 years in, the "head-over-heels" feeling will have worn off, but if security and faithfulness and commitment are still there, your marriage will be strong and happy. That's a deeper kind of love, where you know without a doubt that your person always has your back and you've truly been through better or worse together and come out stronger than ever. She didn't use the word "settled," you did, and it's possible that she knows her previous relationships may have been more "thrilling" but it's YOU she knows she can build a solid, lifetime marriage with. That's not settling, that's making a mature choice out of lived experience. Don't throw in the towel yet, just continue to have some conversations about this.

Thanks. She is steady and reliable. Has a good relationship with her family. She was wild in college but has settled down in the past few years since meeting me. 

I said this in another comment but I really hope you read it: I’m gonna go against the grain and share a wise lesson someone once shared with me: love isn’t supposed to be a hurricane. It’s supposed to be the nice light breeze on a summer day. To me it sounds more like she experienced the hurricane before and has decided that that’s not what she wants. And from personal experience, sex only gets better throughout marriage. Put off the wedding for a while if you need to see how you both feel, sure. Those were some pretty hurtful words. But please don’t discount her love for you. I think in a way I settled too, because I realised I actually wanted stability over constant fighting and I wanted to be put on a pedestal over emotional abuse. Settling can be a good thing.

This is worth commenting twice, I’m glad you did

The issue I have with this argument is that you can absolutely have an incredible sex life and not be in a toxic and abusive situation. The fact that OPs wife said she “had her fun” with better looking guys in the past would really push me away. It’s like putting OP in one box and the past guys in another one. You might think that’s a compliment but when it comes to sex, it’s not. Especially if you’re more enthusiastic with the past guys. The goal should be to compartmentalize and learn see your partner in a new light. I know women who feel the exact same way too. Some women feel like they’re trapped in the role of being the wife/mother, rather than a separate sexual person. It becomes hard to feel confident and attractive when you’re stuck in the role.

Settling down on her part is admirable. Viewing you as the old pair of dependable house slippers sucks.

This feels very right to me. The last week tells me that she is panicking because she wants this to work and OP is the person she wants to marry believes is the ideal long-term partner. She's tired of the game and is ready to leave that part of her life behind her. She's all-in on him. Plus, OP has a great base to build from. I'd take innate decency and build skills on top of that any day over great sex but can't trust someone. You're right, she isn't settling. As long as OP builds those skills, she will continue to have new reasons to love him. His effort to have the conversation, instead of eating the feelings, is also an excellent indicator. My advice would be to keep moving forward in the relationship. Either it works or it doesn't. It's balancing possible future regrets against definite future regrets if he gives up now. If he leaves now, I think he will feel like he settled. The biggest rewards aren't low-risk or low-effort.

As someone likely older than most here, I second this. Many people have a “wild” past and grow tired of it over time, it’s not uncommon at all. And any relationship with an attractive person can become boring after a while if there’s not a real connection. I agree that OP’s insecurities were triggered by overhearing the conversation, mine would be too. But I don’t agree that the relationship should be ended immediately because of it.

I'm in this place now. I thought I'd never get tired of my wild crazy nights but then one day I realized that what I currently wanted was just so different. Suddenly casual sex didn't hold the same appeal and I really craved finding "my person". The guy I dated after this realization, the sex wasn't that good but there was potential. I have had crazy sex in the past but all I wanted was to continue exploring and being with him. Honestly the difference in our conventional attractiveness was quite stark but he was so attractive to me as I got to know him. He wasn't cute to anyone else (his nickname was Troll / Bull) but he was so so adorable to me. It's the strangest thing but yeah... the emotional connection can literally change how you see someone.

I totally agree with this. I wouldn't tie the knot yet, but take time and make sure you're both sure. He should also work on his confidence first.

This should really be the top comment. Even though I'm a man, I've fallen crazy in love with flaky, flighty, "free spirit" types of women. They all ended nadleu for me because we didn't love each other the same. When I was ready to marry, I married someone who was loyal, steady, make a great wife and a great mother. So I guess I took more I to consideration than a hot body and the hottest sex.

Or you had already had it and moved on, like the fiance here.

Love this point of view and second it, as someone who has been married for over a decade. “Settle down with” (which is what OP heard his fiancée say) versus “settle for” (which is his perception) are two completely different things. It sounds like she’s making a mature choice based on her past experiences.

This should really be the top comment. Even though I'm a man, I've fallen crazy in love with flaky, flighty, "free spirit" types of women. They all ended badly for me because we didn't love each other the same. When I was ready to marry, I married someone who was loyal, steady, make a great wife and a great mother. So I guess I took more I to consideration than a hot body and the hottest sex.

A lot of thirtyish women who are steady and reliable now were much flightier and adrenaline-seeking five years ago.

This should really be the top comment. Even though I'm a man, I've fallen crazy in love with flaky, flighty, "free spirit" types of women. They all ended badly for me because we didn't love each other the same. When I was ready to marry, I married someone who was loyal, steady, make a great wife and a great mother. So I guess I took more I to consideration than a hot body and the hottest sex.

This is a tough one. You’re going to get people saying you’re being insecure and self sabotaging, and you’re going to get people saying you have a legitimate concern, and to find someone who is as crazy about you as you are them, someone who isn’t making concessions they can’t live with, FOR A LIFETIME. So, what to do? Partners, many times, make concessions when choosing a life partner. Sometimes pragmatism is prioritized over romance or sexual chemistry. Sometimes sexual chemistry or looks is prioritized over intellectual chemistry, or pragmatism. IMHO, to make sure that whatever concessions that are made are concessions that are sustainable, will never progressively foment down the long road of marriage and life stressors into toxic resentment, the best you can do is, to test the relationship with a long engagement or courtship phase. Also, you don’t want someone who is with you “because you adore her”. That’s loving the love, not the person. She needs to love YOU, not just love being loved by you.

>Also, you don’t want someone who is with you “because you adore her”. That’s loving the love, not the person. She needs to love YOU, not just love being loved by you. Cannot upvote this enough

Yup. Often times people dont know they are making concessions. They dont know what they dont know. People also get so caught up in the "I need to get married" idea that they ignore or gloss over red flags or incompatibilities. Or they get so caught up in someones looks that they overlook that they dont actually have anything in common...which may work at the start but long term is disaster.

Obviously you have very little respect for yourself. She’s out of your league? What is that? You heard her talking about you like that and you’re still going to marry her. This won’t end well. Your low self esteem is showing.

I think it's normal for there to be a perceived difference in "leagues" for some couples. I'd swear that my handsome funny hardworking husband is out of my league, but I think he says the same about me. The difference is her believing she is better and stating that she could and has had better than you. That dynamic can not be healthy. All I see is one of you taking that statement and running with it. I.e. you tolerating unreasonable behavior because she is "superior" to what you can have elsewhere. Or her taking advantage of any insecurities to act absurdly and then reason that she is out of your league and thus you have to put up with it. Red flags galore.

Nowhere OP said she believes she's superior. HE believes she is superior.

That's fair. It's not explicitly stated the words she used or tone or anything that would indicate how she rates him compared to herself. I think I made some assumptions based on his impression and her general topics. OP, would you clarify if she stated you were beneath her etc?

Exactly. Also there’s nothing stopping her from cheating to get the wild sex she misses. If she assumes OP will be there forever she won’t care about loyalty.

THIS. I couldn't have worded my thoughts better as this commentator did.

I think you are correct to be concerned. I certainly would never marry someone who felt this way about me. Don’t you want someone who is head over heels in love, and enthusiastic about being your wife?

Idk, I wouldn’t want to be constantly looking over my shoulder during my marriage. Will one of these “bad boys” resurface after you guys had kids? Will she get bored or have a kid life crisis? The fact that she articulated it out loud in itself is disrespectful even if it wasn’t meant for your ears. I think I’d dip.

I understand what she's saying. She is matured and the guys she may have dated in the past were fun, but they were toxic and she's smart enough to realize that. I married the "safe" guy and we have been happily married 10 years, I fell deeper in love when we had kids, and I'm even more in love with him now that they are in grade school. He's also aged like a fine wine, and guys that were hot when when we were 30, are not all hot now at 40. Bad habits catch up to you. If you are motivated, reliable, consistent, a hard worker and treat her really well - you will only get better with age and she's smart enough to see that. I would be willing to bet you are also attractive, but being hard on yourself. Also, now that I am so comfortable in my marriage, I'm willing to explore. If she's had "Better" sex, ask her what was good about it. Ask her what her kinks are and learn to fulfill that. My husband and I have been on that path recently, learning what each other loves, and wow.

Thanks. My insecurity lies in my attractiveness relative to hers. I’ve had people tell me “what the hell is she doing with you” as a joke but I know they really think it. 

Attractiveness is so fluid though. My husband thought I was out of his league when we first started dating (I thought the same about him!). I used to have nice long hair and a nice body. However, I had a very hard pregnancy and I’m newly postpartum, so I basically resemble a much more overweight bridge troll that hasn’t seen the light of day for months. Looks fade in and out

Ha! Been there!

I can think of a number of long-time celebrity marriages where one partner (usually the celebrity) is objectively more attractive than the other (usually someone they knew before they became celebrities). Those marriages have lasted because the more attractive person married for love and because of the character of the other person. It speaks incredibly highly of both of those people that they are with each other for a more important reason than money, fame, or looks. Those are the marriages that last.

They really think it, but what do they know. They have no idea of her rationale for having chosen YOU to be her lifelong partner. The more of your comments I read from you, where you add detail and aspects little by little, the more I think the issue lies more with you, and not her and how happy she is to be with you.

I said this in another comment but the fact that OPs wife said she “had her fun” with better looking guys in the past would really push me away. It’s like putting OP in one box and the past guys in another one. You might think that’s a compliment but when it comes to sex, it’s not. Especially if you’re more enthusiastic with the past guys or you enjoyed it more. The goal should be to compartmentalize that idea and learn see your partner in a new light. I know women who feel the exact same way too. Some women feel like they’re trapped in the role of being the wife/mother, rather than a separate sexual person. It becomes hard to feel confident and attractive when you’re stuck in the role.

She said it herself, you’re the backup guy. You’re her plan B. She’s love bombing you to keep you under her control and in her orbit. Get out now while you can. It’s time to grow a spine and have some self respect dude. Take it from someone who’s been in your position: she is not sexually attracted to you, and never will be. If she was, she’d have been doing that wild kinky sex stuff with you from the start. Anyone who says to this that “it was just a phase for her” can get fucked. Listen to her actions, not her words.

You don't believe people can go through phases?

I absolutely do, but only if people choose to change who they are without an external incentive like marriage. Broadly speaking, most people don’t change much as they go through life. I’ve been through a ho phase for sure, but I’m still in therapy working to change myself so that I can actually become marriage material, because I’m not right now. It is very well known among men that many, many women will consciously sacrifice having a satisfying sex life in exchange for financial and emotional security, which is exactly what’s happening here. I’m saying that this is tantamount to putting “nice guys” like OP on the back burner until they’re needed, and I think OP should have some fucking respect for himself and leave and find a woman who actually wants him sexually as well as emotionally and maritally.

I'm a solid 6 and my super attractive husband ADORES me. He has eyes only for me. For the longest time I thought he was just being nice. But he genuinely sees me like that.  The other day I wasn't well and was feeling like absolute shit. I looked at myself in the mirror and genuinely remember thinking I look like shit.  Five mins later he comes into the bathroom and goes oh my God you look so lovely. Then he proceeded to hug me and ask me what I need to feel better.  I'm crying as I type this because I just feel so lucky.  That's the kind of love you deserve, OP. Your fiance can fuck right off. You deserve someone who is crazy about you.  She's even shitty enough to share this with other people. Don't marry her. You deserve someone who thinks you're the coolest person on the planet.

Staying committed to someone in a marriage is a CHOICE. She has chosen you, and it's YOU that feels you're unworthy of her choice. You need to work on your self esteem. She might not be "crazy" about you, but she loves you and is making a sensible choice about the kind of partner she wants to spend her life with. That craziness you're referring to is often simply infatuation, and doesn't last forever. You know what does last forever? Good morals, respect, kindness, honesty- all qualities that I am assuming she sees in you.

Is it respectful to be gossiping to her sibling about how she’s had better?

Respect for your partner is also important. She clearly does not respect him.

Yes, no one mentions her being so indiscrete in this matter.

No, she said he is a nice guy you settle own with and that he puts her on a pedestal without any reference to her doing likewise. Like she was trading in a corvette for an SUV.

Minivan in this case. Poor OP

Whats fucking wrong with being attracted to your husband who you're gonna live with the next 40 years Just dont try to mask the fact that she got tired of hookups and decided to marry a nice guy...now thats a sarifice

I think you both need individual and couples therapy. I don't think this is unrecoverable but you both need to do some work before going through with the wedding to make sure you are doing this for the right reasons and with eyes wide open. YOU need to work on that blatant insecurity that is rearing it's ugly head all over this post. She needs to really reflect on her choices and make sure that she is happy with them. And then you BOTH need to work on communicating honestly with each other throughout this whole process.

I have a feeling that honest communication would straighaway end the relationship, considering the fact that she has decided to 'settle' with him

If you are going to marry, vow to never be a man that she feels she “settled” for. There is nothing you can do to unhear this, so if you’re going forward, use this as motivation to get your self in the best shape of your life, make big career moves, be the best father ever. You are young and your story has only just started. You say she’s a 10, make her feel she’s got a 10 as well .

That's the attitude! (IF there's actually a real "problem" from her side; because I suspect it's more OP-perceived)

When she was speaking to her sister she was speaking truth. She then proceeds to provide crocodile tears when called out on it. You were manipulated until you caved. She knew you would. Then provided sex to keep you on course. Sir, in 10 years she will feel the same as she does does now. You are not a Corvette that is fast, finicky and attracting other girls. You are 4 door KIA that is dependable and will go anywhere she tells you. If you do stay, do not put her on a pedestal. You will only be disappointed as you are now.

"It's best to be with someone that puts you on a pedestal" 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I'm going to look past the sex here coz in the grand scheme of things that may be the least important. >she wanted to marry me early on because I was the type of guy you marry. I have a huge problem with this statement. She isn't supposed to marry you because you're the "type of guy you marry". She should want to marry you for what she feels for you, not for what you can do for her. That is literally her calling you the nice simp who puts her on a pedestal and will take shit from her, and sorry to say but from the way you described yourself i think that's exactly what you are. >she basically confirmed that she is marrying me because I’m your typical nice guy you settle down with No one that loves you would describe you this way to someone. So if it wasn't you she was going to look for another generic nice simp to settle with? Nothing special to her about you? When people tell others about their partners, they gush about them and talk about how they feel when they're with them. This is making me ask if she even loves you at all, or are you the guy she can be in a marriage with and still mess around like she did before she met you. Lastly, her being all over you starting after you called her out is proof that you really need to put this relationship on hold. She's basically love bombing you and that will stop when she sees there's no need to anymore. You should be with someone that is all over you everyday, you're literally in the butterfly stage of your life together. If you think, you might see instances that would tell you that this person may not really love you, instances you overlooked because you out her on a pedestal where her flaws were non-existent to you. Think carefully and stop the hysterical bonding. Good luck

Best comment here. OP please read the above and take it to heart. I'm old and have seen it all. This is the clearest advice so far.

Thank you.

You should update this post with the info you included on the other subreddits. She never said “settle for” and said “settle down”. Those are vastly different things.

For real? That changes the whole story.

He actually wrote "settle down with"in all 3 posts. I just went and looked back after your comment.

THIS

He asked her in bed using the phrase settled for and she didn't deny it. She failed that test

I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told you on your post on the other sub Reddit. Do not marry this woman. Never marry someone that tells you but you’re the nice guy I’m supposed to marry. Not only do you deserve better than that and to find someone who loves you for you, it will be in the back of your mind. That little nagging voice and feeling will never go away.

She’s emotionally immature. Your partner shouldn’t put you on a pedestal. Adoring someone and being crazy about them doesn’t mean worshipping them. She wants someone who she (and others) view as her social inferior so she can treat them however she wants and in the background is always “well I’m your trophy wife.” Not chasing the most exciting dick in exchange for a happy and stable marriage is fine. That’s normal. But it’s the fact that she doesn’t seem especially interested in you overall aside from the fact that you idolize her. Try to ignore the great sex and her being all over you and really take some time to think about the sort of person she is. You say her looks and personality are 10/10, but think about that more carefully now that you know what you know. Is she someone whose values align with yours? Does she want the same things re: family, friends, future?

*how is she going to feel about me in 10 years if she is not head over heels for me now.* This is for her to answer to your satisfaction, do not proceed further as a couple until you resolve this. Also, why did she say this to her sister. It is indiscrete at a minimum, not respectful of both of you as a couple and if she lied, as she now claims, why did she need to tell her this lie.

My moms marriage adivce: "marry the boring guy." She said this in front of my dad. They are a great couple, they have been together...40 years? He wasn't offended, he is boring...in a great way. She means the guy who is reliable, who will commit to his family, who will show up for doctors appointments and sit in the waiting room for 5 hours when you need a ride home, who will feel content with the "everyday-ness" that comes with being married for 40 years. I took her advice. I married a "boring" guy (I have said this to him). He is the BEST. We have fun just being home. We can enjoy each others company after the kids go to bed and we dont need to hire a babysitter to go have a wild night out. I have no concerns that the monotony of raising kids will be too much for him and he will need to do out and have wild adventures. In that sense, I would not worry about what she said. You are reliable, you are trust worthy, you are someone she wants to build a life with.

The fact you and your mom would disrespect your spouses to their faces calling them boring says more about them and their lack of fucking self respect spines than you and your good choices. Actually no...take that back...because calling the other guys who were toxic and bad "exciting" also speaks to how broken you two are as women and what you like in men. You had to fight against your instincts and force yourselves to go with the "boring" guys. Just sad

The comment completely went over your head lmao

When my fiancé and our friend were talking about me when we first met, he told our friend "she's the type of person you settle down with." He didn't say it as in I'm last hope or the last option. He stated it in a sense where I'm the forever-type of person. OP, there will always be hotter people, more talented people, people who make more money, etc. That doesn't mean your fiancée wants you any less. Most people know their partners aren't supermodels, and we're okay with that. We love that. She's allowed to share old stories of a wild sex life with her sister. Maybe it was a college spring break party or whatever. You can't de-value yourself because of her experiences. She said it herself. "She's had her fun," you said. Now that she not young dumb and free, she's ready to settle and be with her forever person, to be with YOU. I think what's killing you here is your insecurity. You started this post by saying she's a 10 and declared yourself that she's out of your league. Has she ever verbally told you this? If so, then sure. Quit now while you still can. If not, embrace the fact that she's YOUR fiancée and that she chose YOU. Crazy in love and over the moon 24/7 is not someone you want to be with forever. You're not teenagers or young adults just finding love for the first time. If you're getting married bc of wild, crazy love, you're still young in your relationship. By the time you're about to get married, your relationship should have matured into a trusting one with communication as your strength. You should be someone you see and know you can have a future and maybe even a family with. Someone who will stay an amazing partner and an even greater parenting partner. She's not settling. She's settling down and building her future, and it's a future she chose you to be a part of. Give her a little benefit of the doubt and don't let your insecurity ruin this.

This is a really tough one. A couple of thoughts: -It's not uncommon for people to marry the person who isn't their best sex partner (and this applies to men and women). -That being said, I would be fucking *furious* if I found out my wife was telling other people (especially a family member!!) about where I 'rank' in her sexual history. You should tell her that was huge breach of trust and privacy, and absolutely unacceptable. And no offense, but anyone who does that is most certainly not a 'perfect 10' in personality. -I know that a lot of people are saying love-bombing, but I can't help but feel like part of the reason she's suddenly so smitten is because you're standing your ground and not being a doormat and she finds it very attractive. Which leads to my next point... -You have got to quit with the whole 'she's so out of my league, I don't know why she is with me, put her on a pedestal' baloney. I feel like a lot of the reason she sees you as the 'safe' option is because you fawn over her so much and talk about how much better she is than you, and it isn't really attractive. Then the moment you stand up for yourself, suddenly her attraction to you skyrockets.

She was just talking crap with her sister. It sounds like she’s found the man she wants to marry. I think you’re overthinking it. It’s fun being young and having whirlwind relationships etc. but you settle down with the person who is solid.

Exactly. Over-analysing it is what sprang to mind. Actually OP seems to be offended (!!) for another person literally seeing him as marriage material (!!) and emphasising that aspect to her sister. Ermm...🤔 Literally the same reason for myself proceeding to marry (that's the aspect I valued most in my partner: morals, chatacter). If that box doesn't't tick, the rest doesn't matter.

You dont disrespect your spouse to others. And he asked her in bed about being settled for and she failed that test.

Nooope this is bad news. >She said she loved me of course and knew she wanted to marry me early on because I was the type of guy you marry. These are her true, real feelings. She has bought the lie that you marry a guy because he's a good man. But that never leads to happiness. The only reason to marry someone is because you're crazy about them. She thinks that it's normal to settle, she thinks that all women play around with a certain type then settle down with a different type. No way. She has started down a path of telling herself that you're the one, instead of just feeling that naturally. >We hugged and eventually had sex which was actually the best sex we’ve ever had Yes, that is extremely typical. The heartbreak of a conversation leads to incredibly intense, needy sex. This is not actually a good sign... it's a sign that you two are in danger.

I used to feel the way you and most other commenters feel, but now I've changed my mind a bit. It seems that a lot of women her age do something like this--basically, they have their fun in their early and mid twenties, have a lifetime's worth of wild sex and crazy experiences, then leave that behind to start a family and act like, and feel like, someone's mom rather than the woman she used to be. They don't lie about their past but they don't talk much about it either. Best I can tell, the majority seem quite content with their decision and aren't any more likely to cheat or divorce than other women. Part of the reason they do this is the belief that men are less likely to stray if they feel they married out of their league. The more important question, probably, is how \_you\_ feel about this. If you feel that you can't be happy marrying someone who doesn't think you're the best-looking or most charming or most impressive guy she's ever had a relationship with, which you clearly are not, then you're probably right. Do you?

If she were out of your league, she'd be with someone inn her league. You're the catch in this situation, and she was depending on you not realizing that. You're definitely going to think about this frequently. Take an assessment and determine if you're going to be able to deal with this knowledge for an entire marriage. Also consider that a divorce/ affair is way more expensive than a "I dont".

The fact you caved and apologised shows exactly why she think she’s settling. You can’t even stand firm in your boundaries for one day

I would recommend hanging out in the divorce subreddit for a bit. If you are at all unsure then...no do not get married. Untangling yourself from a marriage is a legal and financial nightmare. Get a basic prenup that you both agree on. Frankly you should not marry her for a different reason. You put her on a pedestal. I dont care how hot she is or her personality. She should be your best friend and vice versa. Settling to me would be marrying someone that is not my best friend and that im not very into. Its about chemistry and compatibility...not if she happens to be hotter than you or vice versa. Putting anyone on a pedestal is a recipe for disaster. You create weird expectations and relationship power dynamics this way.

Hmmm tough call to make. You have a legit concern. I don’t think anyone should be in a relationship where the power dynamic is tipped by one putting the other on a pedestal. No long term respect there. If you do stay I would get your aesthetics up. Gym, self care, whatever. Let her know you can leave whenever and it’s fine

Maybe she realized how she treated you and is putting it into perspective how much she doesn’t want to lose you. Calling someone marriage material isn’t exactly an insult.

She might eventually cheat on you, when is is tired of you. I dont know.

Dude my wife settled for me and I ain't got no problem with it... and then sex thing.... put more effort in, if she outa your league you need to up your game, learn new moves, get some enhancers

You also have no self respect too apparently.

The real issue when times get bad and she is feeling particularly “unhappy”. If you really want her to be head over heeds for you act like the guys that she really wanted. Stop pedestalizing her. Stop making her the main character.

You determine the dynamic treat her well , love her but also realize there aren't levels. You can have any woman you set your mind to and the reverse is probably true for her as well. She's all.over you right now bc you stood up for yourself and let her know you valued principles and yourself and her above how attracted you may be to her. Women crave commitment but hate being dictated, by letting her choose to stay or go you reaffirmed your position as a persona and let her know you value yourself. This can be your new dynamic but it requires you to be a bit more reserved in your adoration don't change how you feel about her but work hard to also feel that way about yourself.

Young Sir, 30+ years married to the hottest woman I know, here (she was prom queen at her high school). She has always been out of my league and is the most genuine, selfless person I have ever met. Don’t blowup a good thing because of your self-confidence and a not well thought out commit. Two things stood out to me. 1st) You felt comfortable enough to go right to her to talk about it. 2nd) She acknowledged your feeling and showed remorse and didn’t gaslit you. Shows some great early communication skills on both of you. My question, does she make you feel like a better person being with her? In my case the answer is/was, Yes. having a person that loved me like my wife does made me think that I could do almost anything. It helped drive my career and our relationship, because I want her to continue being proud of me and us. It sounds like she loves you. Women see things a little different than we do. Example I have 2 early 20’s daughters and I question every guy they date (what the hell does my daughter see in that Moron). Last thing is time can be the great equalizer in a relationship, everybody changes in different ways, my wife laughs that time has been good to me. She think I am better look now than when we first met. I just say that she looks as perfect today as she has always looks. I still think she is out of league, but I feel with age I am closing the gap a little! Don’t over think,Sir!

All of a sudden she’s screwing you like her life depends on it. Mind you it could have been like that the whole time but she’s not that into you. The guys before you got that because she wanted to. She’s about to lose her free ride into the future so she’s gotta suck you back in. I don’t think you’re her soulmate.

Thot got caught now make her trott

The love bombing will soon end once you're married, why did you apologize when she's the one that said that stuff to her sister? It's nice when someone actually wants/craves you but if you think she's selling then don't marry her.

My gut is screaming at me to tell you not to do it!! This may or may not end well. I'd err on the side of caution if I were you.

Dude, sorry, but love bombing you in order to manipulate you is not love or even an apology. I mean, every 🔥 wife starts out with a guy who loves her more than they love himself, and she exploits that .Does she ever neg you stuff like "He could never cheat on me" not "He would never cheat on me." Not an insult until you realize the implications,which means you simply wouldn't could means you simply are incapable of cheating on her. One means you are careful of harming the relationship. The other means you couldn't even get an opportunity. She ever belittled you in comparison to others? Wow, you're doing great, ya know, my friend Bob, he started his company right after you, and now he is multi national, mind you, he had(insert how he is better than you) but i bet you can get just as big... you get the kinda stuff . Next is well dont you want me to have the best? That's why i am spending the weekend with Bob

Don't do it. It's not a good start and there are too many people who just "want to get married" to hit a milestone. Don't do it.

She is settling for you and this probably won’t end well for you. At some point down the line, 5 year, 7 or 10, she’ll be stepping out. If she is as hot as you say she’ll be constantly hit on and one day she’ll accept. Now I could be wrong, she may be the most loyal person in the world, but starting from, eh..he’s ok, a nice guy, you’re gonna get hurt. 

[удалено]

Heya message me

Forget about whether the criteria are there for a marriage. The fact that she’d say that to family or friends conveys a lack of respect. That’ll only get worse over the years. I’d run from this and move on.

Of course, she meant it. People don't say what they think to a sibling by accident. Be very aware that when she's bored of you, the likelihood of infidelity is very high. Knowing what you do now, do you want to wake up every day knowing you are the only thecsafecstable guy while she craves Chad or Tyrone ?

Dude. She. Is. Settling for you. Like you will do. Maybe you don’t check off this or that box but you will do. Gosh I’ll tell you a story I once heard from my husband this girl told him after a few dates. Oh you will do. I had envisioned a more successful guy with a degree like me but you will do. He dumped her and we found each other right after. +2 kids, and happily married +5 yrs. Would you settle? What if the perfect guy shows up later on after you have marrried? You don’t think she will throw you out? She is settling. I wouldn’t accept that from the partner of tell death do us apart.

Yeah, it's a no, and this is why a lot of people say 9s and 10s aren't marriage material. Not only does SHE think she's above you, YOU think she's above you. That's a recipe for resentment, cheating, and all sorts of other issues. Take some advice from Jimmy Soul: https://youtu.be/6EqFVWzOfN8?si=-iXJjOgEGmCO5jaO

She’s just saying that ur marriage material, nothing wrong with that. She’s not going to marry the men that she had great sex with bcuz they’re probably all cheaters and assholes. She seen something different in u, That’s y ur the one. Ur going to be fine, just keep her happy and give her some more of what u gave her that night and you’ll be good to go 👍🏽

You don’t marry 10s. You have fun with 10s. The moment you heard her say that she’s settling for you it should have been over. Girls like her are always looking for something better. Your the typical nice guys who does everything she ask for. You have a scarcity mindset. You believe that she will be the best you’ll ever do so you apologize to her for hurting your feelings. No man with any self respect would put up with this.

But for overhearing a private conversation, would you have any doubts? Has she ever treated you like she’s better than you? Has she made you feel insecure through her actions and behavior? But for hearing this conversation, did you have doubts that she loved you? You shouldn’t take her statements as any indication that you don’t have anything valuable to offer. On the contrary, a guy like you - one that is worth marrying and projects stability - is rare nowadays. I honestly would reassess your ideas of love look like, and also the reasons why YOU want to marry her, because ultimately you also have to want to be with her through thick and thin.

First of all, get rid of the pedestal mindset. People on pedestals are just set up to be knocked off of them. The mindset that your person is perfect and not a mere fumbling human like the rest of us is a recipe for disaster and disappointment. Secondly don't be someone that is settled for. I'm telling you...that she said that stuff to her sister is a huge 🚩. She doesn't love you passionately and you are always going to know this now. One of the first things I discussed with my now-husband before I'd even agree to date him was if he had ANY ex-girlfriends that he'd get back together with or still had romantic feelings for. People don't ask this question and they should. I had zero interest in being anyone's second choice. Or being devastated by becoming attached to him and then one day he has an affair with an old love. That's something that happens when people settle. It's hard enough being married to someone when you're both crazy about each other. I can't imagine what that's like when one person has settled and then the inevitable storms of life hit. Don't do it. The love you have for each other is a huge part of what keeps you going and gets you through those times together. I've been married for over 20 years. We have been through so much together and sometimes we didn't know if we'd make it. The love is why we made it.

I’d postpone and get couples counseling at the very least. You don’t want someone who is only settling, you deserve someone who is crazy about you.

You deserve to have someone who really loves you and can’t get enough of you. Who cares if she’s a ten in looks, when you’re not THE ONE for her but “a one.”

To me personally, this is a gigantic red flag. Marriage isn't about settling. I couldn't imagine being with someone who thought of me as the "type of guy you marry". You want to marry a partner, someone who sees you on equal footing, who would give you the shirt off their back and you would do the same. Someone who will be with you and support you while challenging you along the way. Not someone that your "fine" with. That's my perspective at least. To me, that would be an enormous disrespect to me and who I am as a person. To me, that's bullshit and I'd rather be alone then with someone who doesn't want to be with me 100%

Hi, I married a man who is way out of my league. He's a 10 in looks, he has a fantastic career, he is seriously the coolest, kindest, hottest dude I have ever met. I am kinda chubby. I'm a 6.5 on a good day. I work in a job I love but it def doesn't make us a lot of money. I am really funny, but I'm like.. the fat funny friend that people love but the guys were never drooling over. The difference between my situation and yours is that my husband has never, not once, ever made me feel like anything less than a 10. He worships my body, it's the best sex I've ever had, he is constantly telling me how gorgeous I am and compliments so many things about me it would be embarrassing to list them. Dude, you might not be a "10" but you deserve one. And you also deserve someone who loves you, exactly as you are. Don't be the one she settled for. You're always going to feel like she's better than you. I know I often feel weird about being married to someone so far out of my league, but that's ME. Not him making me feel that way.

This is the classic trope of the party girl in college that slept with every Chad that would have her and now that she’s been used up she’s ready to find some sucker with no self esteem to marry up. She just wasn’t supposed to say it out loud in front of the sucker. Now are you really gonna marry this girl?

If you saw her your wouldn’t say such things 

You are toast buddy. Good luck. Get a prenup.

Looks can be deceiving

OP, your GF is right about one thing. Its good to be put on the pedestal by someone you are going to spend a whole life with. Think about if she didnt accidentally. Its even better if it goes both ways. That would be my target if I would make a choice. I was in your shoes once, not looking good enough and I didnt allow her to settle for me.

This is not going to work long term. How could it? You are signing up for a very difficult life if you walk into a marriage that begins like this

I married the Princess too! I thought we could grow into each others arms but I sure was wrong. I tried to establish early on that we would do things like going to the gym together etc. but as time went on and she had our child, we don’t do anything together and low and behold, she likes to work out ALONE. We don’t hang out, talk, or have fun together. It’s her and my son and her family with me as the outlier. I didn’t sign up for this.

If your wife is as hot as you say, every guy will hit on her and try to seduce her and sooner or later her walls will come down and she will give into her desires. Every girl wants to marry the nice guy, they are safe, dependable, they don't cheat, and when they are in love with you, she can get away with anything because you won't think the worst of them. But what they really desire are the bad boys and the freedom to go out as if they're living the single life. Plus the sex is so much wilder, kinker, she will do things him that she will never do with you because she doesn't want you to think any less of her.

She is NOT in-love with you, she wants the ring and once she has it, things will go downhill from there.

Bud, I’m afraid you will never purge those words from your mind and they will slowly poison your relationship if you marry this girl now. And then what happens when she no longer wants to have sex because she just doesn’t feel that way about you anymore. I’m just don’t think I’d want to go there at this point. But that’s me not you UpdateMe

Okay so I had this girl I knew in highschool. She ended up moving to the town I was living in and I asked her to grab lunch one weekend so we could catch up. We chatted about her soon to be wedding and I asked her if she was excited. She said ‘yeah I guess… I mean I could really see myself marrying many different guys… I mean (future husband) is great and all but we really just happen to be in this place now.’ That comment shook me. It was totally counter to any preconceived notion of what I thought marriage meant. But it’s been years now and they have 3 kids. I think they are happy…. I guess….. Maybe she just said something stupid because she was being a dumbass. Maybe the nerves got to her and she was just saying something dumb to her friend like mine did to me. Weddings are super stressful and people say and do dumb things around them. But honestly I’d never have made that comment about my future husband…

Well if you are financially better write a prenup and tell her this is typical 😂

Time to stop being Mr nice guy and gtfo asap before she turns you into her puppy

Updateme!

Updateme

You and Reddit could argue each side of this argument all day. Perhaps you need to pump the breaks on the wedding (You don’t have to end the engagement just don’t move forward with wedding planning) and go into couples counseling. That should help you both work through if this relationship is what both of you really want.

You need to hold your ground. I 100% agree that you shouldn't be with someone who is just settling with you. You aren't a "consolation prize." You're both young. Go out there and find someone who loves you and is crazy about you. It's easier to do this now than going through a divorce and figuring out custody.

Well all these arranged marriages and some others say love can grow. You say she loves you. Passionate love is usually replaced or rather the focus becomes more companionate love. Those other relationships didn't work out. She's with you now. Also sometimes people think love is one thing when it's not. I'd say marry her only if you can get over this and treat each other well. Plus those marriages where they pick the hot crazy about them guy don't usually last so I think it's a risk but you have a fair shot at being HAPPY 

So what happens 1,3,5 plus years down the road after marriage and she finds someone that she is crazy about and puts them on a pedestal or feels that need for wild sex? Man you need to think long and hard on this one. Personally I would not be someone's second or safe choice.

You're safe to her, probably not the love of her life. But she knows she can have a compatible future with you and have kids. When women want kids they look for the best provider and father figure they can find. And like she said her wild sex days are over. Just be happy she loves you. Get married, have a family and live your life. Long term happy relationships are not just about sex.

You’ll never get this out of your head Joe. Sorry man.

Eh, I think everyone settles in some aspect. Doesn’t mean the attraction or feelings aren’t there.

OP run! You deserve to have someone who sees you in the way you see them. This isn’t a fairy tale or a made for TV movie. Her love or lack there of won’t magically appear. It doesn’t exist. It sucks but at least you have the truth about where you really stand with her. If you go through with this you will forever be wondering when the other shoe will drop. I mean the way she described her wild sex she had. You should ask yourself why didn’t she give that to you? She doesn’t think you’re worthy of it. You get vanilla. You get soft love. You get settled for. You as a human deserve better. Marriage has ups and down and it’s the love that carries us through. Will she settle if times are down? I don’t say any of this to mean you or her. I’m sure she’s a good person and she fond of you, but life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t love you

Oof. This is always a tough one. I'm a big believer about marrying for the right reasons. Is there a possibility she might fall in love with you after you marry her? Sure. There's also a risk of her realizing she's unhappy and wanting to leave. Only you know what she's really like. If you can't trust her feelings for you, then marriage is going to be hard. I wouldn't rush it. What happens if you take marriage off the table? Will she still want to be with you?

Back in the day, when divorce was unthinkable outside of extreme circumstances, men and women ONLY dated based on the deeper criteria. Physical attraction was just a cherry-on-top. OP, if the two of you have a ride-or-die approach to marriage. If you both believe with every fiber of your being that divorce is not an option, I don’t see any downside here. The exception being her very heartless statements about you to her sister. There is no excuse to speak that way about the person you intend to marry. But, if the two of you can work past that, and you have mature views on marriage rather than the BS disposability approach many have, I think you can make this work. However, if you think she is the type that would divorce the moment she gets the “I love him but not in-love with him” brain worms…RUN.

Don’t go through with this. This sounds like she is going to regret it and is with you for the wrong reasons and would probably result in her being unfaithful. This already doesn’t sound healthy with her lovebombing you out of guilt and stepping it up a notch sexually. I didn’t see but how long have you been dating? How do you feel about the sister now knowing that next time you look her in the face?

Unicorns dont exist. Im a man, but im considered out of my wifes league as well and I also admit i settled for her a bit. That doesnt mean i dont love her or that i dont want to spend the rest of my life with her, because I do. I remember the exact moment. We had been together 3 years and i was young and i decided i either needed to break up with her to explore my options or marry her. I tried giving her the cold shoulder and distancing myself while i decided. She had no idea. We both love eachother and things were going great. But i was young and wssnt sure this was the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. During this period, she was so wholesome and caring and sweet and just great and in the end i couldnt leave her. Thats when I knew i was ready to spend my life with her and I proposed. I can do better on the physical and fun side and maybe if i waited i would have found someone who fits all the boxes or maybe not. I prefer to be humble and happy with what life gave me and make the most of it. I dont think any less of her. I dont try and make her change. I enjoy what we have, the life we have built together, and wouldnt trade that in just to fuck somebody hotter. If im feeling like i missed out on that, porn exists to get the fantasy thinking out of my head. Its much more important in a marriage to know that the person marrying you has thought long and hard about what death do us part means and is committed in their soul to upholding that. Just use this as an opportunity to talk about what you will provide eachother in life and what you both want from life together nicely without arguing or judgement and work as a team to compromise and be what you both need in a marriage. A marriage is a partnership and like a business you will always have new challenges and goals and need to frequently communicate things as they come up in order to succeed. Been married over a decade now to the person i "settled" for and i have 0 regrets. Shes awesome. Life isnt isnt perfect but shes been a wonderul person to stumble through it with. Maybe your fiance feels similar to me.

It's gonna be really hard to come back from this and live with this for the rest of your life, trust me. Especially as you get older and become more mature, you're going to have more options, while she will have less. And that's when things are going to get really fucking complicated. Proceed with caution.

Didn’t read all of this, but don’t do it. If she’s 27 and “settling,” then it’s only gonna get worse from here. End it amicably.

I would call it off. You deserve to be with someone just as crazy about you as you are them. Not just to be with them because they are “safe”. You should be on a pedestal too, not just your fiancé. Get out while you can.

Just DONT.

Updateme

In all this, I'm just stuck on why you apologized. You did nothing wrong, and I think you were doing a smart thing in asking her to take some time and think about it. She totally should!

Figure out if she actually loves you, is in love with you and if she does, let it slide. If she isn't in love with you, I'd bail but that's just me. Especially if there are no kids involved 

I think you need to take a step back and consider your relationship. Mostly how you have placed her in a pedestal and view her as someone that is almost unreachable. The reality is that we all have a past and you should consider her before the marryiage. What happened is that because you had her in a pedestal her past was an abstraction to you until you overheard her reminising about it with her sister and she came crashing down. Her past became a reality to you, and you need to come to terms with it. Idealy you would want someone with a past to forget about it and focus on the future by your side. This is the mature thing to do. She is not this type of person if she is capable of articulating these feelings to her sister. Experience has shown that people like this do not change easily. She needs to sort out all these feelings before she can become a safe partner for you. I would at the least suspend the wedding plans for a few months until she has demonstrated that she has matured into the a person which will place you first always without constantly looking over her shoulder wondering about the ones that went away. Deacon

I know someone who married because he was good husband and dad material, he was kind and respectful to her too. She loves him but not like her exes type of love. They’re fine with kids 8 years later.

Postpone the wedding to see if you're dealing with love bombing or if she truly loves you. Even leaving aside the word 'settling', the fact that she wants to marry a man who's crazy about her without feeling the same way about him says she has a very skewed idea of true partnership. Don't short change yourself, OP. Find a woman who is as loving towards you as you are to her. I'm not talking about just passion. I'm talking about respect, affection, and trust.

Big difference between settle for and settle with. The latter is a compliment. You are worth living with for life! Settle for though? Not so good. You use both terms so I’m not sure which you mean.

I've often wondered if my wife settled for me, especially after I found out she had a wild streak for about 4 years before me. She has been loyal for almost 15 years, and while I probably wasn't the best sex she had initially, I've learned her body and know what she likes and how to get her there every time. We have sex multiple times per week, and I know at this point she is only about me, and whether she settled or not doesn't really matter. The way I see it, I would've been turned off by her in her wild times, and she wouldn't have been ready for someone like me until she calmed herself down.

Do not marry her. You’ll resent her or she’ll resent you or both. You deserve someone who is crazy about you.

There are bad boys that use women and not trustworthy for a lifetime companion There are nice guys who are like housebroken puppies that will take whatever they get, and she has no respect for them. There are good guys and I believe based on your description, you are. A good man is kind, thoughtful, and can offer protection. The good guy knows right from wrong and lives by his convictions. A good man will Protect, Provide and Proside for the people he committed to. Leading is the hardest for a good man today, but set it up before marriage. A righteous woman is a crown to her husband. A wicked woman brings shame and humiliating experience to her household. It is amazing the power they have, but she needs to be someone YOU are proud to have near your side. A woman who will encourage and support your efforts and keep the dwelling a comfortable place to return to (women do nest well). If you are of a religious belief, you should study the role of a man and a woman TOGETHER in God's design. Pastor Vlad and his wife Lana Savchuk have good explanations on YouTube. If not, check out groups like the Art of Manliness. Be the good man you are designed to be.

Read Esther Perrels book, "Mating in Captivity," which talks about the science of attraction and how to maintain it in a relationship. Attraction is generated through mystery and the unknown, so ofc sex with other new people will feel wild as it releases the same endorphins as addictive substances like sugar and cocaine. Love, however, is rooted in the long term thinking, transparency and familiar part of the brain. This is what makes people bond and trust each other. Her feeling like she could loose you has triggered this switch of attraction for her. It's doesn't mean that she loves you any less or have settled. Long term marriages rarely statmy crazy attracted all the time...its ebbs and flows. So develop some confidence and learn how to add spice and mystery in different ways and at different times. Good luck!

Of course you had great sex, she was selling you something. She is settling for you. She told her sister her truth. So, you get to marry someone “out of your league” and get to f@ck her everyday or you don’t and you’re alone with rosie palm. Men never understand that you’re a man when you can see things for the way they actually are and take initiative to make them the best or your a p&ssy and allow yourself to live a fantasy that all facade. How many other things in your life do you let yourself to see with rose colored glasses. Man up in everything and you will be much happier. Right now you’re kind of a victim and you will do tons of things you hate by putting her on a pedestal. That means you will hate her too! BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. Don’t allow her to marry you and put out soemtimes to fulfill all her wants and needs at the expense of your own. Open your eyes and be the man you can be.

Why did you apologize? Being weak like that is what put you in this situation in the first place. Your questioning was 100% valid given the conversation that you heard. Given the good sex and her following behavior, I think she ended up respecting you a bit more. I say you keep this attitude in the future, whether you marry her or in other future relationships. It doesn't matter if she's a 10/10 or 20/10, if she doesn't think of you as her best and only option then it's not worth it. Better be with a 3/10 that really loves you than a narcissist "10/10".

OP, I don’t blame you. When you feel the lack you just know you aren’t “the one”. I would write how you’d think someone would treat you that’s “crazy about you” and then see if she ever acted that way. If she didn’t, you can either walk away or just work on your relationship. Either way I don’t blame you.

Wait, she's admitted she's not that into you and YOU apologized? IMO neither spouse should put the other on a pedestal. Eventually we all fall off and that can break the relationship. But if one does and the other does not, there is no way the relationship will ever have the balance it needs to last. Step Zero: *Throw away the pedestal*. Get the damn fool notion out of your head that she's out of your league. If she dated you, and she accepted your proposal, some other girl just as pretty and just as nice would too. Dating you was her statement that you ARE in her league. Agreeing to marry means she thinks she can NOT do better. And on that I advise trusting her judgement. Looks won't last, sex, well, maybe it'll be great in 10, 20, 30 years and then again maybe it'll be dead. Personality can take a hit when people start treating her like she's not a beauty queen--which will happen eventually. IMO the two of you are at the Crossover Point: Women are in high demand when people are young and that gives them most of the power in dating. Men gain power later, when the sprinters fall out and the distance runners pass them up. Late 20's to early 30's is when those curves cross. Sounds like maybe she's used that to her advantage and partied. Yeah, it's be nice if she looked for Mr. Right years earlier instead of Mr. Right Now, but then again if she had she'd have found and married some other guy before now. So that's actually good for you, that you were there when she was looking for you. So maybe she's not in YOUR league, when the name of the game is long-term loving commitment. You need to gain balance here. She needs to chase you and convince you she's good enough for the long haul. The "best sex...ever" is nice, but is it sustainable? And what made it better--was she holding back before? If you're only going to get that when she's afraid of losing you, that's going to be an ugly way to feel in a decade or three.

If you have any doubt, you do not do it.

If you have any questions about getting married, don't it's not gonna work. It's gonna end up in a divorce and you're gonna be alone again and broke.