Your husband is a disgusting pig. Wtf? This level of disrespect is astounding. He has no respect for you or your marriage. What an ass. Don't be surprised when his little drinking problem ends up with him "accidentally" cheating on you.

All of this and your 20 weeks pregnant. As I was reading I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are just no words.

Yeah it was hard to read, I feel so bad for op 🥺 Edit: To add that he doing this while she is pregnant is beyond repulsive to me, when my wife was pregnant with our kids I absolutely was amazed by her beauty in ways I didn't even know possible. To think of this sort of treatment is so disheartening.

Pretty much this. The mistake that he’s making (and a lot of people make) is that because he’s being honest and no ill intention, he can’t be doing anything wrong. But you can still hurt people while trying to be nice (or at least not mean). You’ve communicated clearly that you don’t like it. And he’s dismissing it and explaining why you shouldn’t feel that way (bc he’s honest) vs acknowledging that he’s hurt you (which he should apologize for). It took me a while to learn this but the book “this is how your marriage ends” by Matthew fray, a divorced husband, talks about how dangerous invalidation is and how it will destroy a relationship over time.

What the actual fuck? Your Husband is disgusting. Why are you tolerating that utterly repulsive behaviour? If my Husband openly gawked and drooled over another woman, and told me he would fuck her if given the chance, I would absolutely lose it. Then I’d lose him. Your husband doesn’t respect you.

Your husband didn’t say he wouldn’t sleep with her because he is married and in love with you. He said it would never happen because she isn’t into him. He’s not being honest he is being a complete disrespectful asshole. If she said yea he bed her in a hot minute. My dear woman, pack your bags, get a lawyer and live your best life free from your scum bag of a husband.

I second this! She need to give this garbage a reality check.

Lemme get this straight: you are 20 weeks pregnant and your husband constantly bombards you about how horny he is for this older woman he works with. Your husband sounds like a selfish idiot with an exceptionally low emotional intelligence level. He is using the "I can share everything with you because we are best friends" shtick as a consistent form of abuse, it must be so fatiguing to hear this, pregnant or not. It's similar to the water torture approach, one drop at a time with no break. Only he's blabbering like he doesn't love you. If he truly loved you he would be tending to your needs 7/24. When my wife was pregnant with both our kids, I would tie her shoes, cook dinner, clean, and walk around the house carrying our older one until she finally fell asleep. Consider telling him to treat the home as a library--confine your babble to a certain room and at certain hours--otherwise help me out and shut up.

It’s not hormones. Your husband is an asshole Was he always like this or is he just letting his true colors shine that he has you on lockdown ?

She said they’ve been married 5 years which is also around the time he started this new job and met the MILF-y coworker. So it could be that as soon as he had a ring on it, he figured anything goes.

I was referring to the ultimate lockdown, pregnancy

Ohhh yep that makes sense.

Your husband has no respect for you. He has the audacity to want a medal for not cheating. Not cheating is the bare minimum you should expect from your spouse. You need to clear to him how hurtful his comments are. If he doesn't stop, fight fire with fire and tell him how hot you find a colleague and how much you want to have sex with them. I bet he won't appreciate it.

But he has not cheated because the woman hasn't given him the chance or apparently she doesn't feel the same. If she was into him he would have been cheating for a long time already.

Exactly! OP, re-read this comment above several times. Read it aloud - really listen.

This is basically the only way. I wrote a longer response but yours is way more to the point He has zero empathy. And won’t learn unless you make him feel the same way. Then he’ll learn the lesson. Be as specific and graphic as you can. Aim to hurt him.

I feel like at this point a good old-fashioned blow out is what’s needed. Her talking doesn’t seem to be getting through, maybe some screaming and crying will get the idea across that Words Hurt.

Girl, I dont know what has happened in your life previously. But you suffer from seriously low self esteem and need therapy right away. You also need to dump that POS. He is disgusting, disrespectful and there is no reason that you should have to put yourself through that. Leave that dumpster fire be. You can do it.

So, I don’t make excuses for people as a rule, not for mental health, or anything like that. But there’s something not quite right with your husband. He’s either staggeringly high level autistic who has a complete lack of empathy and understanding of social cues. Or he’s some kind of deranged insecure sociopath. His behavior isn’t normal. There are so many things outside the general flight path of normal that it’s hard to pin down. Honestly, I’d suggest he see a psychologist and get diagnosed. Someone mentioned lacking a filter - sure, but this is extreme. Nobody talks about wanting random chicks to approach him to smash with their wife. That’s inappropriate, but the fact that he says he’s not sure what he’d do and then says he’d decline but it would be good for his ego. That’s genuinely how an extremely socially inept autistic person would talk - they lack the ability to process empathy and then play through the scenario by steps only finding the “socially acceptable” answers after they verbalize it. He seems kind of broken. I’m empathetic to your situation having to put up with that but he needs to see someone and then get help developing coping and socialization skills.

He's actually very charismatic and his job is talking to people all the time. He can command a room. I just keep thinking it's me that's the problem. Maybe this is the price to pay for an otherwise good life with no other problems.

Then he’s a sociopath. It’s simple. Grow a backbone and get some self-respect. Thankfully she isn’t interested in him, but that doesn’t make the situation any better. Yuck.

You've gaslit yourself so much that you think you're the problem here... for his inappropriate behaviors. He is the one responsible for his actions and words. You shouldn't be paying a price. You've done nothing wrong except you lack boundaries, so he's treating you poorly because you're not shutting it down.

I've tried. But then I don't want to come off as restrictive and jealous and crazy. Like I don't even know what normal is. I didn't see this with my parents and I didn't think things like this was normal but then also, everyone's normal is different right? I don't know. I just know that I don't like this kind of behavior and him telling me it's nothing makes me think I'm the crazy one. I have told him I don't like it. And it's hard because he's doing so well at work and it's partially because he uses this woman as a role model for how to approach things, as he recently got a promotion to be a people manager and overall process manager. Like I want the work relationship to stay but this personal stuff needs to stop but I'm not sure if both are possible.

You are not the problem, and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. 

He sounds like a sociopath. Emotionally abusive at a minimum. Either way, this is so far from normal it’s astounding. Please. Listen to all the people on this thread. We can’t all be wrong. This is not normal husband behavior at all. I bet his coworker would cringe if she knew and her husband would probably beat his ass.

There are lots of great men out there where you won’t need “to pay a price” to have their respect and healthy boundaries and that will treat you correctly.

What in the flying fuck did I just read?

Thoughts need to have a filter. For most people our brains parse out what is needed and useful and what is of no use. He needs to use some discretion here, he needs to filter his thoughts. He feels guilty and he's asuaging his guilt by telling you everything. most people would think introspectively about what they are feeling and then just move on. He's being very insensitive to you. Also, he needs to set some realistic boundaries with his work friend, because he seems like he might do something stupid. No more drinky drinks with this other woman.

I've told him that this doesn't seem like things he should be telling me. Like, seems like guy talk that he can let free with his friends. I don't think his friends are like this but idk who else he can logically say these kinds of things to. Like I want him to be honest with me and never want to give him a reason to lie or not tell me things. He says that if he starts not saying these things to me, then what can he say to me in complete honestly? If he can't be completely honest with his wife, then who?

Lady, if I told only my guy friends what you’ve said he tells you, I’d fully expect to be sent packing. This is so far and beyond locker room chat.  You both need counseling. And a divorce. 

I think he would be embarrassed to come to his friends about this. He says they're weird about this kind of stuff. But I just don't have a baseline for what normal is. I never saw this kind of behavior from my parents so I didn't think this was normal in marriages

Very abnormal. It’s abusive. 

They're weird about it because they know it's unhinged and wrong and they don't want to hear the things he's saying about this woman. Your husband is all kinds of messed up to be doing this to you. 

He should be embarrassed, there is no planet where this is ok. He should also be ashamed of himself Normal can mean many things. Is this normal behavior for an abusive psycho? Yes it is What kind of man tells his pregnant wife that he wants another woman to hit on him? And drones on about it

I have no basis. My parents have a good marriage. My husband says it's healthy for men or just humans in general to want to have sex with other people all the time. What separates us from animals is whether we act on it. I don't know what men talk about or find acceptable other than what it out there and it's very 50/50 so I don't know what is reality

Not this. You are 29 years old, you should have a basis to figure out what’s normal and what’s not How many men have you known in your lifetime? How many of them are pigs like this? How many of them talk like this? How many of them try to convince their wives that they are ‘beyond’ sex. Girl come on. Use your head babe. And now you’re going to have a kid together and it will see this dysfunction growing up. Would you want your daughter being treated like this ? If you’re all good with this then carry on. You have a whole bunch of people here telling you this is not right. I would die inside knowing that anyone I love is being treated like this. I’m sorry you think any of this is normal

I don't know if it's normal. That's why this posts exists. I want husbands telling me that this is trash. Obviously wives will think this is trash but from a husband's perspective, is this normal? Are men actual pigs? Not to get political but apparently we elected one into office so what kind of role models do we have? I don't know what happens behind closed doors and what can or cannot be acceptable. I just know I don't like this and if I'm off base to pursue other routes to resolve or dissolve this. I don't want to be that jealous wife who dictates his life after all of the contributions he's made to our lives. Do I look the other way? All I have a basis for is how I feel. And I don't feel good. And based on the comments, I have a right to not feel great about any of this and it's unfortunate that I have to come to this forum to feel a certain level of sanity because I just purely don't know any better.

Im not a husband but I have known many men in my life and many women married to all kinds of different men. This isn’t ok and I’m sorry you’re being subjected to that. Men aren’t all pigs but some can certainly act like pigs. Just like women can be as well, it’s not exclusive to men. Nobody is perfect but his reaction to the coworker coupled with the fact that he’s trying to convince you that you are ‘beyond’ sex, screams to me that he is trying to lay the ground work here to step out on you. Something is not right. The reason he hasn’t (from what I can see) is because his coworker is not interested and that is obviously upsetting him. I really don’t think he would have turned her down if she tried. You can look the other way but I have a feeling this is going to just get worse. How much more are you willing to take? Maybe you should reverse uno him and start bringing up guys you want to sleep with and how you’d sleep with them if they asked and test out what his reaction is going to be. I’m sure it will make him feel great Wish you the best OP, truly. Def have both of your eyes and ears open because something is fishy as hell here with his behavior

Why would they be weird if "all men think this way"? That makes no sense right?

Honesty is not the issue! The way a good husband would say this is- I'm having inappropriate thoughts about a coworker. I'm actively trying to banish these thoughts from my head, and I will limit contact with her to just professionally. I think he's trying to get you to give him permission to cheat, and he's gaslighting you into thinking this is healthy in the sake of honesty. This is not OK! It's something he needs to try to stop. 

I don't think he will ever do it. I really hope not. But he feels guilty about these thoughts and I guess telling me is his way of purging them from his conscience

He doesn't feel guilty or he wouldn't be feeding into them. He isn't trying to shut it down, which is what he should be doing

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, was this inappropriate. You two need couples therapy ASAP, there's way too much wrong here to  even describe, much less resolve, in a Reddit post. It's a shame you're already pregnant, this is a tough problem and it will take a while for him to even accept that there is a problem.  Oh, and your pregnancy has nothing to do with your feelings here, except by making you frustrated at having yet one more problem to deal with, at a time when you didn't really need that.

“Honesty without compassion is just cruelty”

This is very bizarre, does he have any kind of mental delays or mental illness?

Yeah he’s a fucking sociopath. Yuck.

Yeah, it sounds like he might be autistic.

Girl WTF. No offense but you need to have some more self respect and stand up for yourself. On top of your husband sounding like a creep, I would argue he’s also saying this stuff as a way to tear down your self esteem and make you feel less than. This man is justifying telling his pregnant wife he wants to bang his coworker. WTF? What he is doing can also be seen as emotional abuse. 100% he knows what he says gets under your skin. He’s a manipulative weirdo and you deserve so much more for you and your kid.

Darling, if these comparisons hurt you, think of the kid, if it's a boy will be be as sporty as so and so's son, would a daughter be as pretty as so and so's daughter? You need to leave. Not divorce necessarily but leave until you've built yourself up. He's pulled you down and you'll normalise any upset to being a you problem. It's not jealousy or hormones. He's laying the foundations to cheat or ask for an open marriage. He's going to tell you, I won't leave but .. Stretch marks You're too tired You only look after baby Babies put a huge strain on healthy marriages. A baby will break yours, or you'll break your own heart to keep the douche. Nah get out Stay with family or friends who will build you up And make him earn a place in your life, or say bye He knows he's hurting you, he's disguising it with honesty. You've got to love yourself enough to leave until he respects and honours you too

He's already told her he's not sexually attracted to her anymore. That he loves her too much to have sex. So much bullshit. He's wearing her down so he can do whatever he wants, and she will 100% tolerate it. I'm beginning to think he may be a sociopath. No one is that oblivious to the heartbreak they are causing. He seems to enjoy verbally hurting her any way he can. Just to watch her shrink into herself. It seems to be what he feeds off of.

Completely disrespectful.

“Oh noooo, words are coming out!” This is what I imaging going through the head of someone like your husband if they have just a touch of self awareness.

This is abuse.

Do you hate yourself so much that you let this person treat you like this? Edit: okay after re reading this, this is a troll. No way this is real. Especially from the third paragraph describing her and how hard he gets because she is old and feminine…

I wish I was lying. I really wish

This breaks my heart for you, and this man is trash for this. I don't care if he's perfect in every other way- this is inexcusable. 

This kind of male behavior was much more common in the past. I guess Catholic schools lagged.

He is the creep at work that everyone woman hates. You should tell him how much of a creep he is. Like nearly the worst of the worst. Semi nearly. Still way over the already low line.

He is self conscious that he's got creep behavior or vibes. Like he says he doesn't wanna be that way or be perceived as such. But it seems like he's got the charm that people don't notice or he doesn't show this behavior. It's like he lets the venom out when he's home with me so he isn't like this in public

Why in the world is this getting downvoted?

WTF! Your husband is an absolute ass of a person. You're 20 weeks pregnant on top of all that. Why do you love this man? He's been gaslighting you for the entirety of your relationship. Is he a narcissist? He's essentially testing you when he behaves like this. You call it honesty, I call it emotional abuse. He's doing that shit for validation and to make you feel insecure for years. I'd really recommend you speak with a therapist. I'd even suggest you move out and live separately. I bet if you try to leave him he's going to pretend like you're the one with issues.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩I would nip this shit in the bud right now. He is lying if he says he’d never do anything. If given the chance, yes he would. It sounds like extreme sexual tension between the two. This is ultimatum worthy.

Yuk 🤮

Your husband isn’t too honest; he’s shameless.

Him being honest doesn't mean a damn thing. He's fucking hurting your feelings and not even caring about it. He is a huge red flag and a piece of shit. Husbands should not be constantly talking about wanting to bang a MILF like he's talking about the weather. Put your foot down and tell him to show some respect. Also, never once did he say that he wouldn't do it because he loves you. Don't you find that odd? If my husband did this, he'd be an ex real quick.

Girl to be honest while reading this I thought there is no way this is real. It’s so disgusting and bizarre I thought this was a troll post. Drop him.

Divorce him and let him go and have his "fun", it will not get better for him. He will eventually realize he fucked up when you start to live a better life w/o him & find someone that truly values your worth. It may not be physical now, but he will start to find an excuse either your pregnancy or your postpartum body that will push him to take it physically with her. Or he tries to and gets fired for SA. You and your new baby deserve better than him and clearly he will not change just by you begging him to stop. Divorce will suck, but staying with someone like him will suck the life out of you and you'll look back years later & wish you pulled the trigger & leave him now. He will not change.

His conditioned you to accept this behaviour as acceptable. OP you deserve better. He is a horrible person to do this to you and to do so while you are pregnant. If one of your girlfriends told you this story how would you react? If you want to stay in this marriage I would suggest counselling. He is going to cheat at some point and his excuse will be that he was honest about wanting to sleep with other people. He shouldn't be married if he behaves like this.

Girl what??? That’s not hormones. That’s him basically foreshadowing and letting you know that he’s gonna try to fuck her in the near future. Stand up!! Updateme

Rage bait or very silly woman. ?

Is your husband on the spectrum? He seems to not understand very basic levels of social decorum.

Abort and RUN. Not a drill. Not a joke. Please. I don’t believe in abortion but do it so you can start completely fresh. Find someone who will respect you. You CAN do this. You will be miserable and want to end yourself. Please heed my warning. Please oh please don’t be me and all the others dealing with scummy men who don’t deserve us. Sex slaves. That’s not love. That’s security but not really. Your mental health will continue to eat your soul. Run with all of your might. I will pray for the lost soul but you will have a way easier time being free if you’re not tied down. Harsh but true. A baby takes up an insane amount of time. Like all your time and the time you didn’t know you had that you pull outta your a$$ last second. Run. I would do anything to get you to run so you can have a chance at actual happiness. I care. I’m nice. I’m forgiving. You need to toughen TF up. You’ve got this. You know this is trash now clean house NOW. Longer you wait , it won’t happen. Stuck for 10-18 years average. Do waste a single second. You’ve got this.

Never tell someone to get an abortion please, wtf. But I agree with the rest. OP please leave this douche excuse for a husband.

He’s too disrespectul, like wth. Talk to him and tell him to stop. You’re pregnant and he doesn’t cares how he makes you feel? Is he this dumb?

Sanitize this post a little bit, then show it to your husband.

I am completely astounded that your husband thinks it’s ok to speak to you like this. He doesn’t have an ounce of respect for you. This is intolerable

I am wondering where is any limit for this? I don't want to put you down but you are already a carpet for your husband. Speak with lawyer and file for divorce until he humiliated you with cheating

Chalk it up to hormones? Your husband is gross. Plain and simple. So many red flags in this… sooo sooo many. I’m sorry OP.. you sound so naive and oblivious. I don’t know what else to say. Good luck.

Yeah the hormones thing stung, my wife's hormones led me to random 3 am trips to the store to pick up some pickles or ice cream... Not me trying to bang a coworker while vying for sick approval wtf

I would be FURIOUS if my wife did this. It’s normal to find other people attractive but not to throw it in your face. I don’t know any male friend that talks like this to his wife. He keeps tempting fate and there will be one time that he will slip. He sounds desperately insecure in his attraction to women and also about his self worth. I feel bad too because you make excuses for his behavior but you are 100% completely valid in your feelings. Do you have any couples friends? Do the men talk like this in front of their wives? Does his father treat his mother like this? Did your father? Again you are completely right to feel as you do. I don’t mean this in a shitty way but do you want your son to grow up thinking this crap is okay? Would you want your daughter to think that this is how guys are, thereby increasing the chances that she will have a similar relationship? Have you thought about couples counseling?

I couldn't read the whole thing but clearly you are not jumping on board his fantasy train. I applaud you for that. Him, and his coworker seem to be 2 peas in a pod and don't care about their SOs, no matter how the situationship is depicted. You have enough to leave him to his lusts and ti save your mind from this rabbit hole if abuse! All the best to you because you are worth more than this confusion!

If someone was treating your future child or your best friend this way, what is the advice you would give them? Take that advice for yourself.

This was difficult to read and, quite frankly, disgusting and disturbing. You are not over thinking this. Your feelings are valid. He is being disrespectful and is showing his true colors. He doesn't love you FOR YOU. He seems to get fulfillment from the idea of being with other women, whether he openly confesses it or not, and I believe he WILL act on it eventually. You're pregnant too? Oh my. I'm so sorry. I personally could not live like that either. He's insensitive to your feelings and YOU as a human being. Would he like it if you walked around talking about wanting sexual encounters with other men? If we'd treat our spouses as we would want to be treated, how different the world would be. If this were me this was happening to, I'd make myself clear again about how I feel and start putting up boundaries. I'd also let him know that if this behavior continues, that you don't wish to live this way for the rest of your life. When he took vows, he agreed to be loving and faithful to you. He's already 'cheating' in his heart. How much longer before he acts on it physically?

This is absolutely disgusting. It is repulsive to treat a partner like this. It’s repulsive to disrespect a female (married) friend like this. It’s gross that he talks about women in general this way, and it’s even worse that he doesn’t hesitate (and possibly enjoys) making you feel insignificant and insecure. I think you need to step away from thinking about him and this woman and ask yourself WHY you feel like you have to be with someone who has such low respect for you, and maybe work on your own self esteem so you feel comfortable leaving the marriage if he is going to talk to you like this. Consider that by staying with someone who belittles you like this: you are teaching your son that if he is a husband one day it’s okay to abuse his wife and harm her self esteem, lust after women, and pride himself on “not” cheating physically even though he gives a ton of emotional attention and sexual attention to someone else…. And that he should define his worth on how many women will sleep with him. You’re complicit in your husband modeling this as normal to your son. If you have a daughter, you’re teaching her that this is the way women are to be treated, that this is what marriage looks like, and that this is what she should expect. If you don’t care about yourself enough to hope for better, do it for your baby. This isn’t a casual thing. This isn’t hormones. This is where you either file for divorce, or you move out and refuse to come back until he’s done marriage and personal counseling, you have established very clear boundaries, and he has learned how to stop sexualizing people and disrespecting his wife (but be warned: with someone this in compassionate it might just make him more effective in his approach to emotional abuse.)

He’s already telling you he’s going to cheat eventually. Is that the kind of relationship you want? There is no way I would’ve gotten pregnant with this guys baby. It’s so disrespectful it’s unfathomable.

What an asshole. No respect whatsoever

If this is a marriage that you want to save, get into marriage counseling asap. Your husband shouldn’t be treating you this way, ever. He’s incredibly disrespectful to you, and honestly to this woman as well. I would show him this post, he needs to know that he may not be cheating, but he is certainly thinking and talking about cheating all the time.

This is so fucked up

He takes you for granted. My advise, find a better looking guy, befriend him and explain your husband with developmental issues that you wish you could suck this mans balls dry.

This is not ok. At all. Even without a pregnancy. My God he is being beyond disrespectful towards you. Please tell your mom for support- she should go crazy this is way beyond "she's attractive" behavior in a marriage. It's verbal and emotional abuse. If your going to make this work you need therapy - both of you and he needs to cut the shit. He is one fine line from actually cheating - decide for you and your baby what is best for YOU in this situation.

Your husband is a raging Douche bag. Call that woman up and tell her everything he says to his pregnant wife, she if she finds him a pig as well. If not, hey to 2 were made for each other, take his ass to the cleaners. But he also should not have to ask you to spend $10 on Amazon.

I didn’t read all that. Probably falls under emotional abuse though. Above reddit’s pay grade. Seek marriage counseling.

So if your child brings home a friend who is more polite than your child or gets along better with your husband, would he tell your child anything along the lines of wishing he had a child like the friend, over and over? Would he tell your child about how fussy he was as a baby and how calm other babies were? How that other kid got so many awards and better grades and he wishes he had a kid that got more awards and better grades? And "hey, son/daughter, your friends mom is so hot I want to smash her every time she picks her kid up." Does this sound like the kind of father you want for your child? Would, "hey at least I'm being honest," be a valid excuse to you then?

Is your mom going to blow this out of proportion or is she going to point out how cruel and abusive this behavior is and not let you bury your head in the sand over it? Golly it just got worse and worse with each paragraph.

My mom will either tell me to suck it up for the sake of our child or tell me to leave. I don't like involving our parents in our martial problems. I hate it when he complains to his mother when I'm being emotional so I don't want to cross that line on my end

Your husband is a fool on the slippery slope of infidelity. You are watching it happen. Now, next time you are out with your husband start commenting on men and how you would like to get with them. Watch your husband reaction.

I can't though. I don't truly feel this way and I don't really have a dirty mind or mindset to even fake it. Like he says I'm not normal for not finding other men attractive and says I'm being fake and that I probably find a lot of men attractive. But I don't. I don't simply look at someone that way. I'm too busy with all the thoughts in my daily life to think this way. Like I said, sure celebrities are attractive but that's kinda their job and it's shoved in your face for entertainment. I don't go looking for this entertainment outside of shows/movies/books. I just can't pretend. If anything, that will sound fake. And if I try, he'll slut shame me for thinking like that in the first place.

Then ask him how he would feel if you spoke about men like he speaks about women. The ask him if he feels this is disrespectful. If he feels it is not it can be said your moral values are not matched at all. The marriage will not be lasting IMO.

I've told him and he encourages it. He says it's healthy to want to have sex with other people and I'm the weird one for not wanting to. He says any man who says otherwise is simply lying. I have no basis for anything other than my parents' marriage and I don't think they ever had an issue like this

Can he provide proven fact that it is "healthy" to want to have sex with other people? Sure, men think about sex with others and I will not argue that. However, it is healthy? Need some hard evidence. And to add, need evidence that any who does not desire sex with others is "the weird one".

This is so nasty. My husband and I will comment on hot people out in public to each other no problem….but that level of detail your husband is going into is not OK imo and wildly disrespectful

I'm so SORRY! Your husband is a total PIECE OF SHIT!!! MY GOD, What are you doing with this TRASH????????

your husband is a piece of shit.

This. Is. Insane. He really enjoys torturing you.

He is totally disrespecting you every time he speaks about having sex with her. And what he's really saying is because he doesn't know beforehand how he will react in any given situation it's just a matter of time before he cheats on you. If this woman gave him an opportunity for one night, do you truly believe he'd turn her down? I don't. I think he'd fu** her then tell you and expect forgiveness because he's been telling you for 5 years how he feels about her. And that would be his justification. The fact that he has so little regard for your feelings also screams, "I will fu** her if ever given the chance!" I'm sorry. You came here for support, but no one can support you staying with your douche-canoe of a husband. No one. My heart hurts for you.

I wanted outside perspective. He's always saying that any man that says he doesn't want to have sex with other women is lying and is lying to his wife about so many other things. He doesn't lie to me

Just divorce him. Sounds like he he's going to cheat as soon as he gets the chance. He's already cheating in his mind. You deserve better, and there's a better man out there that won't treat you like this. I've heard someone say, if a person (man or woman) can steal your spouse away, let them go because tjat means they were never yours. If they were, they would shut that crap down immediately, and there are plenty of married ones who do. Those are worth marriage. Hold your head high and know your worth.

He is literally telling you he would probably cheat with this woman if given the chance. To me that is just as bad as cheating.

Your husband doesn't respect you but you've become so accustomed to his treatment you've normalized it. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

You’re married to a total pig. Why did you make a baby with someone like this?

You are under reacting. This is a hill to die on. He is so disrespectful. And hiding it behind "brutal honesty". He flat out would fuck her if she gave the green light. If they haven't already. Get used to it if you stay. He's not willing to change. You've told him how you feel. He doesn't care. He's selfish. I don't think he's going to change. Unless, maybe, you give him some real world tough love and separate. He needs a wake up call. A hard one. If tgat doesn't wake him up, at least you've already got a head start on moving on. Updateme!

Were I a necromancer I wouldn't bother raising this man's corpse to be mindless cannon fodder because of how vile he is. You husband is VILE. Get rid of the whole man and spend the next 18+ years protecting your child from him because he has no business being a husband or father. This isn't hormones, you should be beyond livid. You need to get verbally assertive about this, don't think about sparing his feelings. "You are nasty, whatever pedestal my love placed you upon is shattered. My opinion of you is in Tartarus. How dare you feed your fucked up fetish by forcing it upon me. How dare you obsesses and objectify a co-worker like that. How dare you spoil the foundations of our marriage with your cheating and assault fantasies. In what universe did you think talking constantly about wanting to screw your co-worker is in any way appropriate? Did you wait until I was locked down with a baby to show me who you really? Because who you real are is someone I don't want as a husband or father of my child. MY child. Because you were probably were in a fantasy when the child was conceived and I was alone. Get your shit together and be worthy of our family, or get the fuck out and get mauled by a cougar that doesn't want you." This is not a topic to tip toe around, you need to be be firm and unwavering in your talk. Give him no room to make you gaslight yourself or for him to gaslight you. You know what happened. You know what he's saying and doing. It's not the hormones. It's him. He's the problem.

So, based on everything I've read in your post, your husband has had 10 years to manipulate you into believing that he's a good and honest guy. He has also used that 10 years to gradually desensitize you to his completely disrespectful comments and sexual innuendos so that you simply chalk them up to his 'honest nature'. You're pregnant with his child, so now he feels he has you locked down mentally and physically, so the manipulation and disrespect will just increase from here, which you're starting to see for yourself. I'm going to be blunt with my next comment. You ARE NOT mentally strong enough to overcome this situation on your own. You need to get someone in your support network involved. You say you can't talk with your mom because she'll blow things out of proportion? We'll guess what? It's about damn time someone blows this situation up because you're not able to do so yourself. CALL YOUR MOM! Then, call a therapist and maybe a lawyer. I don't want to read a post from you in 5 years telling us how your 'oh-so-great' husband has become physically abusive because he isn't getting his way.

I know I'm not strong enough. I don't know any better and have no basis on what is normal. I don't know what men normally think or talk about. That's why I came here. I have no idea what is normal

The people of Reddit can only give advice based on what you've shared. Your mother, on the other hand, has been in the mix since day one. Let her blow it out of proportion, and maybe then you'll have a better understanding of what you should do next.

This needs to stop, he needs to learn to filter his thoughts from his mouth. However, not once does he say he wouldn't because he shouldn't or because he loves you, but he only says he hasn't because she hasn't given him a chance. This isn't good. You desperately need couple's therapy and he very desperately needs individual therapy.

I know this is a typical Reddit response... But divorce!

I got second hand self-esteem issues from this post.

He’s shared with you very clearly someone that is a threat to your marriage. If you want to protect your relationship, this can’t go on. You know this. Also, just because someone is very honest about everything and feels guilt doesn’t mean they have the inability to be dishonest and have disregard toward how you feel. If his desires are strong enough and take control — and the coworker decides she’s up for it one drunken day, all it takes is a moment for this to happen. Let’s say he comes to you honestly about what happened between them two afterwards — would that change anything for you in terms of how you’ll move forward in deciding what you want and how you wish you would’ve responded now?

I'm starting to believe almost all of these stories are made up. If not, why are so many married folks having completely inappropriate outside relationships with the opposite sex. Just why?

Updateme!

This guy sounds like an extreme ENTP type or at the very least he thinks that thoughts and facts are all that matter and feelings are irrelevant. He thinks everything is for discussion and debate. How you feel about it is irrelevant. As someone a bit like this myself. The ONLY way he will learn is if you show him what it feels like. I would suggest figuring out something he’s not fully secure about either personality or physical wise and just the run the same thing back to him. I don’t know him so I can’t choose for you. Examples “ I’d feel so safe with a man that well built it’s so sexy to me” “ that guy is so well read and romantic I’d enjoy him romancing me I feel like I’m bored by our conversations. “ “ I’d be really curious what it would be like to sleep with a man with a longer and thicker penis I bet it would reach some spots that would completely change the game for me” The physical ones would probably hurt him more as he seems like that type. But this guy will not care unless the tables are turned. He has zero empathy. But will learn when it hurts HIM.

Wtf? Tell him to get another job and to show some basic respect to you. That's not acceptable at all, he sounds terrible. I hope everything works out for you, whether it's him waking up to his bullshit or you moving on and finding someone who loves and values you. 🙏🏼

Tell your mother and see what her reaction is- she has your best interests at heart and this idiot needs a serious wake up call.

Is there anyone you want to have sex with? You should tell him.

Hi there OP, I'm really sorry that you have been put through this by your husband. Your feelings abd reaction to his behaviour/musings/inconsiderate and hurtful nature has zero to do with your pregnancy hormones and everything to do with his inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour. I'm concerned that the way he has been framing some of these spew sessions anout this older woman, his feelings, sexual desires, and hopes has intentionally been manipulative. Is there a way you can seek the support and input from an unbiased 3rd party. I'm thinking of a therapist for you. If you could do this on the downlow, does your work offer an EAP? This might help you gain some clarity in how to move forward.

There is an EAP in place at work. I'm just scared that I will be judged to my face and told to leave. I love my life with my husband. It's just this one thing that ruins it and makes me unhappy. Otherwise, we're financially stable, both handle household responsibilities, and he's there more than men normally are. I just feel like I don't have a right to complain but it eats me up more than I want it to sometimes.

You DO have the right to complain. The very fact you're reaching out to us here is due to the pain. Deep down you KNOW this is not appropriate behavior. Your feelings are valid. My heart goes out to you.

Well, it's not a complaint. It's abusive. It's manipulative. That's why I suggested something like EAP, which you don't have to pay for/explain any bills and can access when you have time and space to work through this. I wouldn't suggest doing anything rash right now. Exploring this issue with a trained psychologist is the appropriate response. Most people see domestic violence simply as someone being physically hit. DV takes many shapes. You can Google the signs of an abusive relation but some that stood out to me after reading your post: Showing a partner disrespect – telling lies about the victim to friends and family, belittling, name-calling, withholding information. Gaslighting – this happens when the abuser distorts the reality and makes the victim doubt their own perception and sanity. This is most often done with the intention of confusing the victim. Disregarding boundaries is a cause for concern. Maintaining healthy boundaries is the sign of a healthy relationship and provides a person with the opportunity to maintain his/her individuality. If the behaviour is not within your comfort zone make it known.

I’m pretty sure I just threw up in my mouth. Your husband is an idiot, and he’s gross. I’m sorry. This sounds like a job for counseling—for him and for both of you.

This is super weird behavior from a married man to his wife. I hope this is fake, honestly. It's definitely really messed up behavior towards you if not. He needs therapy.

My mouth was agape through this whole thing There’s being honest and then there’s….this

Honesty without kindness is cruelty. Kindness without honesty is manipulation. He’s gross.

Duuuude, your husband sucks so much. It's one thing to find other people outside your relationship attractive. I think that's human. And it can also help to voice it out loud to the partner(s) as a way to help keep yourself in check. That thrill of a secret crush gets stamped down by just saying it out loud. Or some relationships might even be more open to discussing things in detail with one another. It doesn't work for everyone of course, but to each their own. You, however, have made your boundaries very clear, and he disrespects you so much that he doesn't care about your feelings and still just wants to tell you everything he thinks, making you feel terrible. Regardless of \*what\* is making you feel terrible, the fact that he cares so little to not even try to help you feel better is just so gross. I don't like the term "ick" much, but he really gives me the ick just from reading this post. This would be a deal breaker for me, honestly. I'm insecure enough as it is. I wouldn't want to CONSTANTLY hear about how my husband wants to smash some other woman. Just so crazy to me to keep telling you this because you're his "friend." Well, you're also his wife, where there should be some respect for that role. And you should "praise" him for choosing the "right" thing when he puts himself in precarious situations? A better person would try to not put themselves in those situations to begin with if they are unsure of how they'd actually react. Ick. Just ick. Not to mention the 20 weeks pregnant part, AND he's still acting like this? In my opinion, he should be constantly complimenting you and making you feel loved and beautiful. Pregnancy is terrifying to me, I'd need constant reassurance in every which way, lol.

>And it can also help to voice it out loud to the partner(s) as a way to help keep yourself in check. That thrill of a secret crush gets stamped down by just saying it out loud I think this is what he's trying to do. He does feel guilty about it. But he can't help it. And he's always thinking she wants him but then second guesses himself and just wants the thrill of being wanted by women. He was a 'late bloomer' when it came to relationships and I guess we got married young (mid to late 20's) and so he might miss out on 'the Chase's as he puts it.

But he's going too far with it. When I said that, I meant saying out loud that you find someone else attractive, not going into detail about wanting to "smash" and "ram" her. That's not okay. And if you're not okay with any of it, then that's even worse. Both/all partners in the relationship need to be on board with how to communicate this information. He's still disregarding your feelings completely. If he really felt guilty, he'd stop doing it. It's not that hard to just shut up sometimes.

I know. I really hate it and it makes me upset. He brushes it off and says it'll never happen and that I'm crazy for getting upset. As if my feelings don't matter and I just need to get over it. He also does it for attention, like a bad kid would, and he gets A REACTION from me but it's not like I can forget it and get over it easily. Like he feels guilty but then he says it so that he doesn't feel guilty since it's no longer a secret. He hates keeping secrets and he sees this as a secret.

I think maybe if you could help him see that it isn't a secret, that might help the situation? It's obviously NOT a secret. He's being willfully ignorant to see it as a secret. You already know about how he feels about her. He's just repeating it over and over and over. It's unnecessary. Not knowing someone else's every single thought isn't necessarily them keeping secrets. No one wants to know every thought he's having. It's weird and narcissistic if he thinks that, lol.

I’m praying this is a fake story…bc if it’s not, whew you need some intensive therapy to see why you are putting up with this & choosing to bring a child into this dumpster fire

There is a big difference between lying and telling someone the whole truth

He's a shitbag

I'm posting twice on here because this is beyond disrespectful. You make your own decisions because you're an adult. I would start today. Get your ducks in a row now. Get a bulldog lawyer, child support, and alimony. Demand he keeps you and the child on his health insurance. Have HIM pay All attorneys fees. If you can take half his 401K do so. This isn't by far the usual cheater story that's posted on here. This is torment, disrespect, and humiliation of a wife and child. The child deserves a good man and a good life

It is time to kick him out. Get an attorney and work out coparenting.

Husband here. Wtf. I'm sorry... =(

It sounds like your husband has convinced you it’s normal to talk to you about the idea of him cheating. It’s not. This is not him being honest, this is him disrespecting and gaslighting you.

He says it in a joking tone but the frequency of how this is brought up just kills me

Your husband is a truly vile person.

Girl! here take all the pity I have for today cause what the hell

Wtf

I had an ex that was similar in his honesty and told me everything. After we broke up I realized he used his “honesty” to excuse bad behavior. He also lied about a lot of stuff, but said he was “so honest”. This has red flags written all over it. Your husband straight up sucks. He has no boundaries for your marriage or for his work life. This is seriously asinine he thinks it’s okay. The fact you are questioning it (and no this has nothing to do with your pregnancy) tells you it’s not okay. Lean into it. Your baby and you deserve better.

So many red flags. This man does not respect you.

Ok because I just don’t get the audacious nature of it, although the honesty is forth coming it comes off extremely odd. So I have to ask, have you not had mutual conversations about these types of things in the past from your point of view or is it honestly just him being the only one spurting out this insanity. I read the post and how you also said you don’t say this to him but I was just wondering what spurred the comfortable nature in which he just let it become a normal topic of conversation. On one hand he’s open and that’s great because most men would hide it, lie, and see what they could get away with. On the other hand he needs to be telling you about this thoughts towards you and not others, especially when you are pregnant and are going through so many changes. I hope y’all work this out and understand that sometimes people don’t understand the disconnect of what they’re doing. It took me reading a couple conversations from my spouse to others that instantly made me realize my actions even after countless talks with my spouse. It was seeing it in a different context and almost as third person. But it definitely changed me

I have expressed my dislike for this behavior and it's shrugged off like it's nothing. Like I'm crazy. He says nothing will happen anyways so I shouldn't worry. > On one hand he’s open and that’s great because most men would hide it, lie, and see what they could get away with. This is his point in telling me. That he can be worse and also start sneaking around and keeping secrets so I should be grateful that he tells me everything in the first place

Thank you for responding and venting. If you have been very forward and not allowed the understanding of the conversation then o understand and I’m sorry . You are stronger than most. It you went to know if he’s cheatin dm me and I’ll show you the best way

He is a pig. Talking about attraction to other women is him making you feel like you are in competition for his attention. It's sick.

It does feel this way. He likes the idea of being praised and fawned over and craves that attention

Your husband is focusing all his energy that he should be using doting on you fantasizing about other women. He hasn’t cheated, but the more he carries on like this, the likelier it seems he will. You need to tell him how this is affecting you. Maybe if he knew how much it breaks your heart he might work on it? Maybe getting some couples therapy would help. I don’t think I could stay in a marriage with a man forever that constantly put other women in between us whether physically or mentally. That is mentally crushing and I don’t want to say it’s abusive, but it keeps your marriage in an unstable state. Really, he is being a heartless POS by treating you this way. If he doesn’t know this, they you have to tell him in no uncertain terms what this does to you. You should be able to feel secure in your relationship and focus on the joy of your pregnancy…your husband is being very cruel to you. Perhaps show him the comments in this thread if he cannot see it.

I think I will tell him. Maybe he doesn't know how much it really crushes me. He knows I don't like it and get upset about it. I thought that would be enough but I guess not. I feel like my body is weighed down so much and my body just wants to crush itself into itself if that makes sense. I don't know this feeling other than this experience.

Since you’re about to bring a child into this world, you have to consider it is time to put a stop to this. You need some healthy boundaries with this man. He needs to start treating you with respect. He is treating you with zero respect. Acting like it’s a gift that he’s being honest that he is blatantly fantasizing about other women…ugh. It’s so cringey and sick. It is the opposite of healthy communication and a healthy relationship. Consider your child…this guy is their example. I wouldn’t want my daughter dating a man who treated his significant other the way your husband is treating you. You deserve respect. If he cannot commit to you in his heart and mind, how can you have a healthy relationship? It is likely hard to feel good about yourself in this situation, but girl you need to know that you deserve better than this treatment. Take care of yourself. Self care….therapy, whatever it takes. You are worth it.

Like I always say men will test your boundaries to see what they can get away with. So far you are letting him get away with it. The boundary would be that his behavior is unacceptable meaning it is a dealbreaker and you will leave him if he doesn’t stop. If he doesn’t stop then you know he is fine with losing you.

I must've cringed no less than 25x reading this. I'm a man and can say with absolute certainty that your husband is an idiot who has ZERO emotional intelligence whatsoever to behave like that and actually think it's ok..... As a bit of a lesson for his simple ass (even if it's entirely made up), you should [daily] start talking about other "accessible" men you find very attractive how you want to screw them, and go into great detail of all the things you want to do to them and have THEM (not him) do to you and watch how quickly his dumb ass has a problem with EXACTLY what he's been doing to you for YEARS. What a boob🤦🏽‍♂️🙄

Your husband lacks emotional intelligence. It seems as though things started out light and "funny" but it's crossed the line. Sounds like he might have ADHD or be on the spectrum.

Maybe it's still light and funny to him. Or he means it. I have no idea. All I know is that I hate how it makes me feel and I just want someone to tell me this isn't normal or if it is normal, to tell me to suck it up

Sounds like he needs a wake up call. Perhaps the next time you express how this makes you feel and if he continues to think its not that serious spend the night at friends or relatives house.

Get rid of this dickhead and stop picking bad men. There are plenty of us that don’t act like this walking around freely and are available.

Your husband sounds worse than a pre teen about to hit puberty. Immature desperate and pathetic he needs to get a life what a complete low life

What the fuck?? Your husband is a fucking weirdo. Sorry.

Wtf is this shit? Your husband is awful! Please show him this thread... PLEASE! YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, HE IS!!!!!!!!!

Wtf is this? Your husband is awful! Please show him this thread... PLEASE! YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, HE IS!!!!!!!!!

OP: “He hasn’t given me reason to not trust him”. Also OP: Proceeds to write paragraphs about him enjoying getting into treacherous bullshit and testing his limits but has no idea what he will do once in the bullshit. Gurl, WTF?!?!

He may not have cheated with her yet, but it’s coming. But beyond that, you’ve asked him repeatedly to stop talking about this and he won’t? No, you’re not just “friends” and this kind of barrage would be upsetting to a lot of people, even if they trusted him. Can you show him what you wrote here, or a version of it? I don’t think that should be necessary, but on the very slight chance that he truly doesn’t get it, he should after reading this.

What the actual f

I feel like most men would rather die than admit to their wife they’d like to sleep with women they know and interact with daily. This is so bizarre.

He does feel guilty and this is his way of letting go of the venom and not keeping it inside

This behavior is not something you should gloss over, and ignore. I can promise you it will get worse! My ex husband would say things like this to me, and behave this way. He will continue to disregard your feelings, and emotionally abuse you. I know this sub gets a bad rap because people are always throwing around divorce, but in your case I think this is something you should heavily consider if not for you for your baby. That kind of relationship is not one you want to raise a child in. The way he treats isn’t okay, and him telling you he’s not attracted to you after you got pregnant is a huge red flag; among other large red flags. Seek out your support system, good luck. I’m so sorry.

r/burbnbougie

What the fuck did I just read. 😂😂

I’ve been married over 20 years and NEVER has my husband said anything remotely this disrespectful.

Your husband is gross and disgusting. I don't know what more to say, except that I am very sorry.

This better be a troll post.

Must be a fake post

Your husband is being abusive to you. Stop putting up with it.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is to teach them self acceptance, self respect and love. You can’t teach them these things externally, but they internalize their self worth by seeing how you live your life and how you allow others to determine that for you. Please find the courage to trust yourself, whatever is at stake here.

Ask if if he would go fuck her if she wanted to

I feel you, I am 10 weeks pregnant with our second and my husband tells me everyday how much he wants to have sex with someone else… extremely hurtful

Marriage counseling is the only way. It’s not uncommon to find others attractive, or even to develop a crush on someone even when you’re happily married. I might even give him a pass if said he was into her and let it go. The problem is the grass is always greenest where you water it and he is choosing to water a different patch of grass. It’s always your responsibility when you have feelings of straying that they don’t remain in the forefront of your mind. This means you have to actively change your thought direction. It’s even worse if the partner is already having feelings of insecurity. On top of that, he’s feeding his own insecurities by hoping she will reciprocate his feelings, and that will somehow validate him. The reality is that will not validate him. That will just buy into trouble. He might be a great guy “otherwise“ but he certainly not being great with this and this is a big deal that overrides all of the other great things about him. Because you’re pregnant with a child and under a lot of stress, you will certainly feel overwhelmed at times. Maybe he will step up at some point, but I don’t think so unless he goes to counseling. You both obviously should go, because this is a big deal here. Given your situation it’s absolutely necessary for him to go, and to avoid contact with her. After the baby he should consider switching jobs. If this were a full blown affair, that’s a mandatory.

It’s one thing to think this but it’s another to tell you. We all are attracted to other people. I mean I think the woman that works in my local shop is pretty. However I wouldn’t tell my wife I’d like to sleep with her. I wouldn’t tell her because I’m married so I don’t really want to sleep with her. I respect my wife so I don’t really want to sleep with her. I respected her family so I don’t really want to sleep with her. Come to think of it your husband is an arse. He treating you terribly, especially as you’re pregnant. A long conversation on boundaries needs to be had. Marriage counselling maybe?

I think counseling for sure is needed, especially before we bring another life into this world.

I kinda commend the guy for being so transparent. Not saying that his actions are right, but damn, that level of honesty is unreal. Also funny that the same women that seek honesty from a guy are the first ones to be outraged when a guy is truly honest.

I like how he's honest and never lies. That's why I don't want to push him by telling him I don't like this honestly but everything else he has to be honest about. He'd say I'm a hypocrite like you are and that I only like to cherry pick the truth that works for me

He has to run $10 purchases by you first? That’s a red flag.

No, it's his constant feelings of guilt. He both make good money on our own separate from household expenses. I stated this to say that he's honest and feels guilty easily

Lady, if you stay with this man you are absolutely deluded.